April 05, 2017: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170405
PDF: 20170405

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I must apologize. I’m just not myself this week. Unfortunately, several people have called up and complimented me for that very reason.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. –Romans 6:23

In Christ we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace. — Ephesians 1:7

I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. —Psalm 55:16-17 (NIV)

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Look at the land with your own eyes, since you are not going to cross this Jordan. But commission Joshua, and encourage and strengthen him, for he will lead this people across and will cause them to inherit the land that you will see. — Deuteronomy 3:27b-28

Thought: Moses led the people of Israel out of Egypt and in the wilderness, but did not get to enter into the Promised Land because of his sin. Yet, for all those years, Moses nurtured and prepared the person who would do what he could not do. That person was Joshua. Who are you training, molding, encouraging, motivating, and calling to do what you won’t be able to do? What successor will take your dreams farther than you can? Who is your Joshua?

Prayer: Holy and Righteous God, please lead me to those with whom you want me to share my life and to pass on your heritage of faith. Please open my eyes to see them. Give me strength to live my life honestly and courageously before them. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Micah 4:5 NIV = All the nations may walk in the name of their gods; we will walk in the name of the LORD our God forever and ever.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – APRIL 05, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
265 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Be thankful you don’t live in Taiwan, as today is NATIONAL TOMB SWEEPING DAY.  ***Because what we needed more than anything was a holiday to creep us out first thing in the morning.

But hey, on the upside, it’s also MAKE YOUR CHILDREN LAUGH DAY!  Today’s the day to do something really goofy they’ll still remember next year. ***Like sweeping tombs!

TODAY IS ALSO…

National Deep Dish Pizza Day
Read A Road Map Day
Childhelp National Day of Hope
National Walking Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day
Paraprofessional Appreciation Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, APRIL 06

American Immigration Lawyers Association Day of Action
Army Day
Charlie the Tuna Day
Drowsy Driver Awareness Day
National Fun at Work Day
Hostess Twinkie Day
International Day of Sport for Development and Peace
National Alcohol Screening Day
National Student Athlete Day
New Beers Eve
Tartan Day
Teflon Day
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 07

International Beaver Day
International Snailpapers Day
Metric System Day
National Beer Day
National Walk To Work Day
No Housework Day
World Health Day

World Health Organization Day

SATURDAY, APRIL 08

Baby Massage Day
Draw A Bird Day
International Roma Day
National Dog Fighting Awareness Day
Take Your Parents To The Playground Day
Trading Cards For Grown-ups Day
Slow Art Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 09

Appomattox Day
Global Day to End Child Sexual Abuse
Jenkins Ear Day
Jumbo Day
National Cherish An Antique Day
National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day
Winston Churchill Day

MONDAY, APRIL 10

ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) Day
National Farm Animals Day
National Sibling Day
Salvation Army Founder’s Day
Safety Pin Day

TUESDAY, APRIL 11

Barbershop Quartet Day
Education and Sharing Day
International “Louie Louie” Day
National Pet Day
National Teach Children To Save Day
Submarine Day
World Parkinson’s Disease Day
National Be Kind To Lawyers Day
National Library Workers Day
National Library Day

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 12

Belmont-Paul Women’s Equality Monument Day
D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything And Read)
Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day
International Day of Human Space Flight
International Day for Street Children
National Bookmobile Day
National Licorice Day
Walk on Your Wild Side Day

ON THIS DAY

1614: America’s Pocahontas married English colonist John Rolfe in Virginia.

1621: The Mayflower sailed from Plymouth, Massachusetts, to return to England. (audio clip)

1856: Educator Booker T. Washington was born in Franklin County, Virginia. An educational leader and spokesman of African-Americans, he established the Tuskegee Institute in 1881. He was inducted into the American Hall of Fame in 1945.

1977: Singer David Bowie appeared on a TV special starring Dinah Shore.

1980: In the final first-run episode of “Hawaii Five-0,” McGarrett captured his arch-enemy Wo-Fat. The series, starring Jack Lord and James MacArthur, lasted 12 years. (audio clip)

1984: Los Angeles Laker Kareem Abdul Jabbar skyhooked his 31,420th point to pass Wilt Chamberlain at the top of the NBA’s all-time scoring list.

1985: John McEnroe was quoted as saying, “Any man can beat any woman at any sport, especially tennis.”

1987: “Married … With Children” debuted on the Fox TV network. (audio clip)

1990: A Gulfport, Mississippi, man discovered that his house had been stolen. Not only that, but police had escorted the thieves and the house out of town.

1992: Sam Walton died in Little Rock at age 74. His Wal-Mart chain had made him the world’s richest man.

1993: Sherry Davis became the first female public-address-system announcer at a major league baseball park. She won the San Francisco Giant’s job over 499 others who auditioned.

1998: A sheep being held on the roof of a Cairo apartment building for slaughter during a religious festival, decided he’d rather commit suicide and jumped off the roof, breaking gas pipes when he landed, causing a gas leak, and forcing evacuation of the building.

1999: Thieves forced open a display case at the Criminals Hall of Fame Museum in Niagara Falls, Ontario, and walked out with life-size wax figure of Adolph Hitler. The museum was open, but nobody witnessed the theft.

2004: Lightning struck the jet Mexican President Vicente Fox was on near Mexico City, but the plane landed safely and no one was hurt.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1524: Swiss reformer Ulrich Zwingli marries Anna Reinhart for the second time—this time in public. In 1522, Zwingli (and 10 other priests) appealed to the bishop of Constance for permission to marry. When the bishop refused the petition, Zwingli married secretly and, later that year, resigned from the priesthood.

1621: The Mayflower sails home, leaving the Pilgrims in the New World where many die over winter.

1649: John Winthrop, the first governor of Massachusetts Bay, dies. Profoundly religious, Winthrop, who left England because of its persecution of Puritans, believed New England to be “a city upon a hill” for the world to see and emulate.

1796: Singing “Jesus, I Long for Thy Blessed Communion” as he works, Hans Nielsen Hague overflows with joy. He leaves home to spread the gospel throughout Norway, traveling 10,000 miles to preach, sparking renewal wherever he goes and suffering imprisonment ten times.

1811: Robert Raikes, founder of English Sunday schools in 1780, dies. Raikes built his Sunday schools not for respectable and well-mannered children of believers, but for (in one woman’s description) “multitudes of wretches who, released on that day from employment, spend their day in noise and riot.” In 4 years, 250,000 students were attending the schools, by Raikes’s death, 500,000, and by 1831, 1.25 million.

1887: Christian historian Lord Acton writes his famous saying “power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely” in a letter to his friend Mandell Creighton. Acton was often on the outs with the Roman Catholic church because he did not accept the doctrine of papal infallibility.

1943: Dietrich Bonhoeffer is arrested by the Nazis whom he resisted. He will be hanged in prison.

1956: The ruins of Ulrich’s church in Magdeburg are dynamited by the East Germans, despite church protests. The building dated back to 1028, had been damaged in the war, and the church had made plans to rebuild it.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Skinner on “The X-Files”) Mitch Pileggi, 65 (audio clip)

  • actress (Death at a Funeral, “Wish Me Luck”) Jane Asher 71

  • Actor (“Barney Miller’s” Det. Stanley “Wojo” Wojohowicz) Max Gail, 74 (audio clip)

  • Actor (“Law & Order’s” Asst. D.A. Ben Stone) Michael Moriarty, 76 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1922 : Gale Storm

1925 : Stan Levey

1928 : Tony Williams (The Platters)

1929 : Joe Meek

1932 : Billy Bland

1934 : Stanley Turrentine

1939 : Ronnie White (The Miracles)

1941 : Dave Swarbick (Fairport Convention)

1942 : Alan Clarke (The Hollies)

1944 : Crispian St. Peters

1944 : Nicholas Caldwell (The Whispers)
1950 : Agnetha Faltskog (ABBA)

1951 : Everett Morton (The English Beat)

1965 : Mike McCready (Pearl Jam)

1968 : Paula Cole

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is household dust grey?

Grey household dust consists mostly of sloughed-off human skin cells. Although humans are of different color, the pigments are found below the layer that generates the outer layer of dead skin. Dry skin is a translucent grey color, and consequently, so is the dust. There is no other color in it because the blood vessels are much deeper down and they are not lost as the skin grows.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Congratulations to Third Day’s Mac Powell. He posted a picture of a Candyland board and said: About to win this game for the first time in a LOOONG time! I always lose. https://www.instagram.com/p/BSOb-ewlFmc/

2017 is already shaping up to be a big year for Selah. In addition to the release of their brand-new studio album, Unbreakable, Selah is celebrating 20 years in Christian music. In honor of this career milestone, Todd Smith, Allan Hall and Amy Perry recently sat down with The Sounds Opinion to talk about artists they admire, lessons learned and bucket list moments. Read the entire interview at http://bit.ly/2nwMDIS.

Matthew West was filming teaching segments for his Hello My Name Is digital experience. He posted: Praying this curriculum and book will impact you and remind you are a child of the one true king! https://www.instagram.com/p/BSRa6KsAY4R/

Another first for Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard: Working on my first lyric video for a rap song. WOW SO MANY WORDS!

Jason Gray recently shared an interesting take on finding God’s best. He posted: At different times in my life it’s been useful to make a “to not do” list. https://www.instagram.com/p/BSO4ZNwALnK/

A confession from Casting Crown’s Megan Garrett: I’m a sucker for all the rugs. If I could change my paychecks to direct deposit in rugs, that’d actually make more sense.

Building 429 guitarist Jesse Garcia is continuing to recover. He posted this week: Went on my first run since my accident and it felt really really good. Last November Jesse fell off the stage at one of Building 429’s shows, dropping 9 feet to the ground below, and injuring his leg.

Darren Mulligan recently shared his story of going from a blasphemer to a follower of God with Focus News Entertainment. The front man of We Are Messengers has taken it upon himself to share God’s message of love and acceptance through his music as a Christian artist — a label he does not shy away from. It’s a long way from who he was before Christ. Darren described himself as an adulterer and a drunk. Read his entire testimony at http://fxn.ws/2ndtLOq

Third Day’s Mark Lee is out with a new blog titled: “There’s no such thing as secondhand faith”. He posted this week: We go to church with our family because they like it, but we haven’t bought into it. We wear a necklace with a cross on it, but don’t appreciate the love and suffering and sacrifice that the cross represents. In matters of faith, there is no secondhand. When it’s all said and done, we’re going to stand before Jesus himself, and he is going to say one of two things: “Well, done, good and faithful servant.” Or, “Depart from me, I never knew you.” http://marklee.me/2017/03/29/theres-no-such-thing-as-secondhand-faith/

Scripture is full of examples of where music is used to praise God and bring peace and joy to believers. Now the You Version Bible App is out with a 12-day devotional that will help you learn more about God’s purpose for Christian music and how to incorporate it into your daily life. Featured are artists likeMandisa, Mark Hall of Casting Crowns, and the Sidewalk Prophets. Check out the devotionals at http://bible.com/r/zZ

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Budweiser says its beer will be brewed using renewable energy by 2025. ***Let’s hope that’s the only renewable resource they use. I’d hate to hear they’re getting recycled water from barroom urinals.

Researchers claim that CEOs who play a lot of golf, run companies that tend to underperform. ***Which completely explains the state of America during the Obama Administration.

A Florida couple has set a world’s record for seniors with more than 90% of their bodies covered by tattoos. ***I would never expect that to be part of someone’s bucket list, but to each his own.

A Massachusetts man is suing Dunkin’ Donuts for putting fake butter on his bagel. ***Although the court is backed up with his lawsuits already pending about McDonald’s coffee being too hot, and how Captain Crunch has no actual crunchberries.

Swedish and Norwegian newspapers didn’t do any April Fools’ Day jokes this year because of fears they might spread “fake news.” ***Meanwhile, in America every day is April Fool’s Day!

In Florida a guy robbed a Wendy’s restaurant. During the heist the bandanna covering his face fell off. In spite of the wardrobe malfunction he got away with some cash. He returned to the same Wendy’s four days later — not to rob the place again, but to order himself some cheeseburgers and then argue with the clerk about getting incorrect change. Maybe he shouldn’t have called so much attention to himself. Almost every worker in the place recognized him. The cops were called and he was arrested. ***Although, I will admit the burgers ARE that good!

According to a new survey, Russian President Putin has an 80% approval rating. ***The remaining 20% couldn’t be interviewed as they were either dead or in prison.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Doctors and nutritionists are warning against what may be a new weight loss fad…the “cotton-ball diet.” Several YouTubers indicate it’s a safe way to lose weight, as the young girls soak cotton balls into orange juice or lemonade in order to add taste. The idea is to eat the cotton balls to limit the amount of food a person eats during the day. Extreme dieters say the cotton expands in the stomach and tricks the body into thinking its full. But health care professionals fear the diet craze could be dangerous. ***And cause cottonmouth.

About one out of every four Facebook users lies on their profile, and not just to impress that guy or gal who wouldn’t date them in high school. Sometimes, it’s about privacy. 25% of users said they falsified information in their profiles to protect their identity, up from 10% in a similar survey two years ago. ***Boy can I relate! I go by the name (JOCK NAME) on Facebook only because I don’t want people to know that I’m actually George Clooney.

It’s long been known than a smelly pair of feet bears more than a slight resemblance to a block of ripe cheese, but scientists have taken this link to the next level by making cheese from a foot. Experts have made the stomach-churning creations using bacteria from the human foot as well as a belly button and even an armpit. ***That’s right – we spent taxpayer dollars to create foot cheese. Who’s bucket list was that on?

A study by the University of Chicago seems to indicate that the older you are, the happier you are. Interviews with 28,000 Americans from 1972 to 2004 revealed 33 percent of 88-year-olds described themselves as very happy, compared to only 24 percent of those aged 18 to 22. Overall, the odds of being happy rose 5 percent with every passing decade. It’s partly because their social lives are more active than young people’s, due to church, volunteering and senior groups, plus they’ve lowered their expectations and no longer worry that they’ll never win a Nobel Prize or something. ***In other words, give up trying to accomplish anything in your life and you’ll be ecstatic!

Scientists announced that they have figured out how to generate electricity from viruses. ***During cold and flu season you’ll be able to plug your electric car directly into your nostrils.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy Bear was heading out for a picnic, singing show tunes. He wanted to go alone, but Millard the Monkey talked him into taking him along as well… but then Millard told all the other jungle animals, and now everybody is heading out for one gigantic picnic!

CLOSE: The mother of all picnic spots in order to have the mother of all picnics! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A 27-year-old Romanian refugee became a stowaway on a German flight in the most unusual way…

… he didn’t hide in the bathroom or luggage area — he latched onto the landing gear of the plane. Authorities said the man, whom they did not name, had scrambled undetected onto the forward tire of the aircraft shortly before the Berlin-bound plane took off and hauled himself into the gear shaft. The pilot was unable to retract the gear and decided to abort the flight and return to Munich. Meanwhile, the stowaway managed to survive the 23-minute flight by holding onto the landing gear of a Boeing 737. He was taken to hospital suffering from hypothermia. ***MARLAR: And you thought flying coach was bad!

TOP TEN

SIGNS YOU ARE FROM A SMALL TOWN

10. You got a fine and your parents knew within the hour.

9. You don’t give directions by street names, but by references (turn by Nelson’s house, go 2 blocks past Anderson’s, and it’s four houses left of the track field).

8. You can’t help but date a friend’s ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

7. The town next to you is considered “trashy” or “snooty”, but is actually just like your town.

6. You refer to anyone with a house newer then 1980 as “the rich people”.

5. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask you if you want a ride somewhere.

4. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

3. The closest McDonald’s is 45 miles away (or more).

2 Everyone who played sports had to play on every type of team, or there wouldn’t be enough people to have a team.

1. You can charge at all the local stores or write checks without any i.d.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A school teacher uses a firm voice to nab two criminals!

FILE #1: From Terre Haute, Indiana comes the story of a couple of teenagers who were going door to door offering to shovel snow off sidewalks. They eventually came to the home of retired school teacher Eileen Prose who wasn’t at home. The door was unlocked and our culprits decided to go inside and nose around, looking for anything they might want. About that time Mrs. Prose returned home, saw the two shovels standing outside and the front door slightly ajar and quickly figured out what was going on. First, she used her cell phone to call the cops. Then, as she approached the house, the teenagers came walking out. Using her best school teacher voice she said, “You boys are going to stay right there until the police come.” Our less-than-intelligent heroes must have had some sort of grade school flashback, because that’s just what they did. They followed their teacher’s instructions and waited quietly until the police arrived to arrest them.

FILE #2: A 35-year-old in Lisbon, Portugal was stopped while walking his pit bull without a leash. Policemen have been cracking down lately on what they call “dangerous” dogs. The man threatened the officers with his dog but the “dangerous” animal ran away leaving the man standing there.  So the man bit the officers himself. The man is now under house arrest. The pit bull is still at large.

FILE #3: A 7-year-old in Enterprise, Alabama, who apparently wanted to play with friends couldn’t wait. He drove off in his father’s truck, eventually running it into a ditch before police officers managed to coax him out of the vehicle. The boy was driving the big, dual-wheel truck erratically when other drivers called police, saying they couldn’t see anyone behind the wheel. The boy apparently got the keys while his father was sleeping, and he was trying to drive to a day care center.

STRANGE LAW: Community leaders in one California town passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Here’s an interesting story… passing out and getting locked into a bar overnight, and the bar owners Don’t Care!

A patron at the I Don’t Care Bar & Grill evidently didn’t care about leaving until it was way past closing time and the door was locked. The man, whose name was not released, told police in western Kentucky that he fell asleep inside the bar and when he got up to leave he set off the alarm.  Hopkinsville, Ky., police officers arrived a few minutes before 3 a.m. Friday to find him still locked inside the establishment and unable to find a way out. So they helped him leave the bar. No one was arrested. Evidently it’s not a crime to be left behind after closing time at I Don’t Care.

PHONER PHUN

What do you have at your house that’s broken, but you’re keeping it anyway?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What is the name of the day when the Holy Spirit came upon the disciples?
ANSWER: Pentecost (Acts 2:1-4)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

ANSWER: Strawberry

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Cherophobia is the fear of 70’s pop singers. (False – it’s the fear of laughing yourself to death.)

2. In the last 3,500 years, there have only been 230 years of peace in the civilized world. (True)

3. The three most common elements in the universe are hydrogen, helium, and carbon. (False – hydrogen, helium, and OXYGEN)

4. The woman who has appeared most on the covers of Time magazine is Hillary Clinton. (False – it’s the Virgin Mary)

5. The number of births that occur in India each year is higher than the entire population of Australia. (True)

6. Levi Strauss blue jeans with copper rivets were priced at $13.50 per dozen in 1874. (True)

7. Money is made from high quality paper. (False – it’s made out of linen.)

8. Most American car horns honk in the key of C. (False – F)

9. Most lipstick contains fish scales. (True)

10. There are 35 million digestive glands in the stomach. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_______ CAUGHT ON SUPERMARKET VIDEO (GHOST)

A grocery store in South Australia says paranormal detectives are investigating a ghost who likes flinging Fruit Roll-Ups.

Brompton IGA store owner Norm Hurst says he turned to his surveillance footage after finding a box of the fruit snacks laying in an aisle, about six meters from its original location, after he had locked up shop.

‘The previous owners told me it was haunted,’ Mr Hurst told Adelaide Now. ‘I thought, ‘yeah, whatever.’ But since we’ve owned the place, strange things have happened.’

Mr Hurst watched the CCTV footage and says he was shocked by what he saw.

‘One of the cameras shows the packet of Roll-Ups just arriving on the ground,’ he told the Herald Sun. ‘It has not just slid off, it has been thrown out of the pasta, yet, the Roll-Ups are kept 12 metres away.’

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, “The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families.”

The Baptist preacher said, “We did better than that! We gained six new families.”

The Presbyterian pastor said, “Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten biggest trouble makers!”

JOKE #2

While replacing some roof tiles, Marty fell from a ladder. His ankle broken, he called out for help – and his neighbor’s four-year-old came to his side. “Don’t worry,” she said, disappearing into her house. Minutes later she returned in her nurse’s outfit, carrying a medical bag.

Lisa’s employment search preoccupied her family for months. One day her husband told their three boys that to make things easier for mom, he had a list of jobs for them. They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: “When are the interviews?”

 “Mom,” said the little girl, “Is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?” “Yes,” said her mother, “that is the correct thing to say.” “Well then, I’m going to milk the cat!”

The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children’s ward. “Are you medical or surgical?” asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week. “I don’t know what you mean,” replied the second. “It’s simple,” replied the first. “Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?”

JOKE #3

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One young man, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water.

“What’s the matter, Mate?” asked the sick bay attendant.

”Do you feel pain?”

“No, just checking to see if I’m still watertight.”

USELESS FACTS

A new survey in the aftermath of April 1st reveals that 98.5% of people think workplace practical jokes are important for company morale. ***The remaining 1.5% are tired of having “kick me” signs taped to their backs.

The luxurious Hotel Cortisen in Austria allows dogs but has banned young children because nowadays, they’re so badly-behaved.  ***Because at least people still housebreak their dogs – you can’t always say the same for their kids.

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE DEFINITION OF AN AMERICAN…

…A man drinking Brazilian coffee out of an English cup while sitting on Danish furniture after coming in a German car from an Italian Movie, then picks up his Japanese ball point pen and writes a letter to his Congressman that something must be done about the American economy.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

In Minocqua, Wisconsin, there was a run on Trig’s Minocqua Shell station after they suddenly started selling gas for under 33 cents a gallon!

Unfortunately they never intended to be quite so generous at the pumps. At closing, an employee mistakenly entered the price of a gallon of gasoline as 32.9 cents instead of $3.29. He left about 10 p.m., but drivers could still use their credit cards to buy gas. Word of the bargain spread fast and 42 drivers sucked out 586 gallons in an hour and 45 minutes. When police saw the lines and chaos they called the store manager who ran down to the store and pushed the emergency stop.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

AN EVERYDAY PRAYER

Dear Lord,

I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I’m blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.

Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Let me continue to see sin through God’s eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive the forgiveness of God. And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus’ example-to slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It’s the best response when I’m pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can’t pray, You listen to my heart.

Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can’t find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood.

I pray for those who don’t know You intimately. I pray for those that will not share this prayer with others. I pray for those that don’t believe. But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers, for each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes, that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly.

This is my prayer.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

COSTLY CONSEQUENCES

Read: 1 Samuel 13:1-15

You have not kept the commandment of the Lord . . . . Now your kingdom shall not continue. —1 Samuel 13:13-14

I always knew that disobedience has consequences, but it came home to me forcibly in basic training during World War II. I had traveled beyond the distance allowed on my weekend pass to be with my wife Ginny, and I returned to camp late because the train had broken down. I paid for my rule-breaking—20 hours of extra duty washing pots and pans!

King Saul also learned the high cost of disobedience. He faced the prospect of fighting a huge well-equipped Philistine army with his small band of frightened and untrained followers. While waiting for Samuel to come and offer a sacrifice before going to battle, Saul became impatient and offered the sacrifice himself, even though he knew that God had given that right only to the priests. It was a costly mistake.

Saul had begun his reign with humility and compassion, and he gave God the credit (1 Samuel 11). And the prophet Samuel told him that God would have kept the kingship in his family if he had obeyed God’s command (13:13-14). But that one act of disobedience changed the course of his life. From that point on, it was a sad downhill journey.

Never forget that disobedience has consequences. And some of them may be very costly. —Herb Vander Lugt

O help me, Lord, to be afraid
Of disobedient ways;
And may I seek what pleases You,
What gives You highest praise. —Sper

The way of obedience is the only way of blessing.

LEFTOVERS

McSNOOPY

Could Snoopy signal the demise of education in China?

McDonald’s outlets in a southern Chinese city could face fines of $1,200-$12,000 after a Snoopy doll promotion turned violent. Dwindling supplies of the Snoopy doll triggered a run on the Chinese McDonalds outlets, resulting in fist fights among customers and a smashed window at one location. As if that is not bad enough, it turns out that the 34 outlets in China weren’t even licensed to sell the toy. The violation is punishable under Chinese law by a fine of anywhere between $1,200 and $12,000.  And now parents are complaining that their children’s education is on the line. Why? Because disappointed students trying to collect the full set of Peanuts dolls (and cannot get the Snoopy doll now) are too upset to continue studying. ***MARLAR: So much for China being tops in the world for education.  Their kids can’t study because they don’t have a Snoopy doll.

LIFE… LIVE IT

DON’T FORGET TO REMEMBER

Want to remember something? Chow down!

A study out of Germany shows that people are more likely to remember something if they eat immediately after learning it. The study says that the human body stores memories by activating hormones. These are the very same hormones that are released during digestion. ***MARLAR: Which explains why I always remember during mealtime that I love dessert!

JUST FOR FUN

EASTER STORY COOKIES (Print this out and keep it for next year! To be made the evening before Easter, but try this in-advance first to make sure it works! I’ve never tried it on my own.)

What You Need:

1 Cup whole pecans

1 teaspoon vinegar

3 egg whites

pinch salt

1 Cup sugar

zipper baggy

wooden spoon

tape

Bible

How to Make an Easter Impression (as well as cookies):

  • Preheat oven to 300 degrees (this is important – don’t wait until you’re half done with the recipe).

  • Place pecans in zipper baggy and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested He was beaten by the Roman soldiers. (Read John 19:1-3)

  • Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 tsp. vinegar into mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross he was given vinegar to drink (Read John 19:28-30)

  • Add egg whites to vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us life. (Read John 10:10-11)

  • Sprinkle a little salt into each child’s hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus’ followers, and the bitterness of our own sin. (Read Luke 23:27)

  • So far the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add 1 Cup sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loved us. He wants us to know and belong to him. (Read Ps. 34:8 and John 3:16)

  • Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God’s eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus. (Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:1-3)

  • Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheets. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus’ body was laid. (Read Matt. 27: 57-60).

  • Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven “OFF”. Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus’ tomb was sealed. (Read Matthew 27:65-66)

  • GO TO BED! Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus’ followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed. (Read John 16:20-22)

  • On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice the cracked surface and take a bite. The cookies are hollow! On the first Easter Jesus’ followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty. (Read Matthew 28:1-9)

VOICES IN YOUR HEAD?


How would you like a sound system without any speakers or headphones?

California’s Elwood “Woody” Norris has invented just a system. His prototype involves a square aluminum frequency emitter hooked up to a CD player. By pointing the piece of aluminum at a person, they hear what’s playing in the CD player. The so-called HyperSonic Sound system has won Woody the $500,000 annual Lemelson-MIT Prize. It works by sending a focused beam of sound above the range of human hearing. When it lands on you, it seems like sound is coming from inside your head. No word yet on when this may wind up in our homes.  ***MARLAR: I’m hearing voices!  I’m hearing voices in my head telling me to… to… to save big money at Menards!

FUN LIST

REASONS TO CELEBRATE EASTER EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT RELIGIOUS…

  • You look really good in yellow.

  • You look even better in a bunny suit.

  • You absolutely love the movie, The Ten Commandments.

  • Any Holiday that starts with a “Good Friday” can’t be all that bad.

  • You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.

  • It’s a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.

PUNS GALORE (submitted by Paul Cameron)

  • The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

  • I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

  • She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

  • A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

  • A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  • Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  • A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

  • I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  • A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

  • The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  • The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  • A backward poet writes inverse.

  • In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  • When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  • If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .

  • A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

  • Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,’Dam!’

  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  • Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  • There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TEN “SUPER FOODS!”

Want to feel better? Look no further than the end of your fork.

…Here are 10 “super foods” that can boost your immune system, your brain function, even give you a youthful glow. No prescription needed, and no pesky side effects – just dig in.

  • Tomatoes. The generous amounts of the antioxidant lycopene in tomatoes help skin maintain its youthfulness, and may reduce the risk of developing heart disease, as well as several cancers, including breast, lung, and colon.

  • Fish Oily fish. (such as salmon, sardines, and mackerel) are packed with omega-3 fatty acids that fight inflammation. They also lower blood pressure &  decrease triglyceride levels.

  • Nuts. Like fatty fish, nuts are high in omega-3s, and are great for the heart and the brain. Many studies have shown that nuts lower LDL (“bad”) cholesterol, reduce the risk of developing blood clots, and improve the lining of arteries.

  • Broccoli. All cruciferous vegetables, which include broccoli, cabbage, kale, Brussels sprouts, and cauliflower, contain cancer-fighting phytochemicals.

  • Grapes. Rich in an antioxidant called resveratrol that is an anti-inflammatory and anti-coagulant, red grapes have been shown to extend the life span of test animals. Grapes contain several other powerful nutrients that keep cancer at bay.

  • Berries. Blueberries, raspberries, and other deeply colored berries contain phytochemicals known as flavonoids. These antioxidants have been shown to improve brain function and slow the growth of some cancers.

  • Tea. Green and white teas contain large amounts of EGCG, an antioxidant linked to a lower risk of heart disease, Alzheimer’s disease, and numerous types of cancer.

  • Cranberries. Researchers at the University of Scranton in Pennsylvania found that drinking three glasses of cranberry juice daily for a month significantly raised HDL (“good”) cholesterol by 10 percent and lowered the risk of heart disease by 40 percent. Cranberries contain phytochemicals that have been found to block cancerous tumors.

  • Garlic. Garlic contains allium compounds, which keep carcinogens from entering cells. According to studies, garlic — as well as onions, leeks, and chives — lowers the risk of stomach and colon cancer.

  • Chocolate. Studies suggest that antioxidant-rich chocolate has a low dose aspirin-like effect that could help prevent both heart attacks and strokes, lower blood pressure, and improve blood flow.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

When it comes to Facebook, the number one issue that divides friends is politics. Those who say one should never talk about politics in mixed company have never logged on to Facebook. These days a typical newsfeed is peppered with links, opinions and jabs — sometimes pointed, heated and downright mean-spirited — about the latest political topics. “People are mainly friends with those who share similar values and interests. They tend to interact with them the most,” said study leader Catherine Grevet of the Georgia Institute of Technology in Atlanta. “But that means they rarely interact with the few friends with differing opinions. As a result, they aren’t exposed to opposing viewpoints.” And Facebook’s algorithms don’t help the cause. Newsfeeds are filled with the friends a person most often interacts with, typically those with strong ties.

Getting enough good sleep is one of the best ways to stay fit and healthy. So hear this. The more screen time you put in on your smartphone, computer, or tablet all day, not just near bedtime the poorer and shorter you sleep will be, says University of California, San Francisco, scientists, who analyzed data on more than 600 subjects. The culprit: Blue light emitted by screens, which hinders the sleep hormone melatonin. To fight the blues, block rays from your phone and computer with an app from justgetflux.com or twilight.urbandroid.org. (Men’s Fitness)

Instead of drinking warm milk or counting sheep to help you fall asleep, tie on your running shoes and hit the pavement or the treadmill. Maintaining a regular aerobic exercise routine during the day can keep you from lying awake at night, according to the National Sleep Foundation. Although it’s not known why this works, Dr. David Davila, who practices sleep medicine in Little Rock, Arkansas, says normally active people are more likely to get the sleep they need. About 25% of the population suffers from insomnia, and as many as 40% of older people have trouble sleeping. But the solution to insomnia may be aerobic exercise says the National Institute on Aging.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Here at the end of the show things really get boring.  The show is so dead right now, there’s a buzzard on the window sill.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for. – Will Rogers

“Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.”  – Robert Orben

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MARCH 31, 2017…

Ghost In The Shell— This science fiction film, adapted from the novel by Masamono Shirow, concerns a cyborg named “Major,” who is created for a special purpose from Section 9. ( from a film years ago starring Sharlti Copley). Of course, there are always problems with cyborgs. They want to be human, but does a human always want to be a cyborg? The cast includes Scarlett Johannson, Pilou Asbaek and Michael Pitt. “Ghost In The Shell” is rated R. No rating. (not that I’m counting, but is this the fourth science fiction/fantasy film for Scarlett?)

Boss Baby—Oh, my, just when you think you have read everything. This story concerns a smart baby who controls a corporation. Of course, there is skulduggery afoot here, because the older sibling is jealous of the baby. Some people might think most corporations are controlled by babies. This cast includes Alec Baldwin, Steve Buscemi and Lisa Kudrow. “Boss Baby” is rated PG. No rating.

The Zookeeper’s Wife—Based on a true story that happened during WWII, in which the wife of a zookeeper and her friends plotted to care for the zoo animals and also help others (The Resistance) to fight the war. Stars include Jessica Chastain, Daniel Bruhl and Michael McElhatton. “The Zookeeper’s Wife” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

APRIL 07, 2017…

Smurfs: The Lost Village has the Smurfs out to save a village from the bad guys. Smurfette is voiced by Demi Lovato.

Going in Style stars Morgan Freeman who, with friends, tries to pull off a robbery.

The Case For Christ is based on a true story about an atheist. Stars Mike Vogel.

Wonder has Julia Roberts as the mother of a child with a facial deformity.

Colossal is a science fiction film that deals with massive headaches and what happens to the world, then. Stars Anne Hathaway.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.