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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
This morning my tongue feels like I used it to loosen a few screws. Regular screws — and I have a Phillips tongue. –TomsLake
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. — Luke 12:6-7
Now as Jesus was going up to Jerusalem, he took the twelve disciples aside and said to them, “We are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of Man will be betrayed to the chief priests and the teachers of the law. They will condemn him to death and will turn him over to the Gentiles to be mocked and flogged and crucified. On the third day he will be raised to life!” — Matthew 20:17-19
On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord. — John 20:19
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Do not envy a violent man or choose any of his ways, for the LORD detests a perverse man but takes the upright into his confidence. — Proverbs 3:31-32
Thought: While many are seeking a cure for the rampaging violence that destroys lives, threatens schools, and makes our streets unsafe, why has no one bothered to remind us what God’s wise servant taught us centuries ago? Let’s not let any person, real or fictional, be our hero if his or her fame is built on violence. The son of Israel’s most famous warrior understood this better than anyone. Surely the Son of the Most Powerful on High said it best: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”
Prayer: Almighty God, save us from the violence of our culture and the worship of violence that pervades our land. Please give us heroes who are true peacemakers. In addition, dear Father, please give us eyes to see them and the courage to honor them. In Jesus’ name I ask it. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Philippians 4:7 NIV = And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
TODAY IS SATURDAY – APRIL 07, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 261 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL COFFEE CAKE DAY. ***I’ll take mine double-white, double-sweet with an extra shot of espresso!
This is FAMILIES LAUGHING THROUGH STORIES WEEK, time to tell funny family stories. ***So how about it – what are your family’s funny stories?
Today is NO HOUSEWORK DAY, no bed-making, no dishes, no trash, no guilt. Some call today LET SOMEONE ELSE CLEAN DAY. ***Known here simply as any day ending in a “y”.
TODAY IS ALSO…
Day of Remembrance of the Victims of the Rwanda Genocide
Every Day is Tag Day
International Beaver Day
International Snailpapers Day
International Pillow Fight Day
Metric System Day
National Beer Day
National Girl Me Too Day
National Handmade Day
National Love Our Children Day
No Housework Day
Tangible Karma Day
World Health Day (UN)
World Health Organization Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
SUNDAY, APRIL 08
MONDAY, APRIL 09
Jenkins Ear Day
Jumbo Day (Elephants came to US and created the word for “jumbo” meaning “big” in our language.)
National Cherish An Antique Day
National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day
Winston Churchill Day
TUESDAY, APRIL 10
ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) Day
Equal Pay Day
Free Cone Day (Ben & Jerrys)
National Be Kind To Lawyers Day
National Farm Animals Day
National Library Workers Day
National Library Day
National Sibling Day
Salvation Army Founder’s Day
Safety Pin Day
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11
Barbershop Quartet Day
International “Louie Louie” Day
National Bookmobile Day
National Pet Day
National Teach Children To Save Day
World Parkinson’s Disease Day
THURSDAY, APRIL 12
Belmont-Paul Women’s Equality Monument Day
Celebrate Teen Literature Day
D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything And Read)
Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day
International Day of Human Space Flight
International Day for Street Children
National Licorice Day
Walk on Your Wild Side Day
FRIDAY, APRIL 13
American Immigration Lawyers Association Day of Action
Blame Someone Else Day
National Donate Life (Blue and Green) Day
Make Lunch Count Day
Thomas Jefferson Day
SATURDAY, APRIL 14
American Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Baby Massage Day
Children with Alopecia Day
Global Day to End Child Sexual Abuse
International Moment of Laughter Day
National Dolphin Day
National Ex-Spouse Day
National Gardening Day
National Pecan Day
Pan American Day
Pathologists’ Assistant Day
Slow Art Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 15
Jackie Robinson Day
One Boston Day
Rubber Eraser Day
Take a Wild Guess Day
That Sucks Day
World Art Day
MONDAY APRIL 16
ON THIS DAY
1860: Will Kellogg was born in Battle Creek, Michigan. Will’s physician brother John developed corn flakes and other cereals to serve to patients at his mental hospital, and Will founded the Kellogg company to market the cereals. (audio clip)
1864: To raise money for charity, the first camel race in America was held in Sacramento.
1902: The Texas Fuel Company was founded just outside Beaumont, Texas. Later it became known as Texaco, now owned by Shell.
1927: An audience in New York saw an image of U.S. Commerce Secretary Herbert Hoover in the first successful long-distance demonstration of television.
1947: The U.S. experienced it’s first-ever telephone strike. ***For several weeks, people had to resort to writing letters to order a pizza.
1949: The Rodgers and Hammerstein musical “South Pacific” opened on Broadway. (audio clip)
1952: “I Love Lucy” became the #1 TV show with an episode entitled, “The Marriage License.” (audio clip)
1963: Golfer Jack Nicklaus won his first Masters title. He was 23 years old.
1966: The U.S. found a hydrogen bomb it had lost off the coast of Spain. It was fine.
1970: Actor John Wayne received an Oscar for Best Actor for his role in “True Grit.
1997: An Amsterdam university began offering a course entitled “Madonna 101.”
1998: Three inmates at New York’s Rikers prison were indicted after one smuggled a gun into the jail and another shot the third in the leg as part of a scheme to sue the city. The mastermind, as you might expect, was the guy who got shot.
1999: An Israeli couple was hospitalized for fatigue after kissing in Tel Aviv for 30 hours and 45 minutes. Dror Orpaz and Karmit Tsubera set a world record and won a trip around the world. But they were really tired.
2002: Police in Moss, Norway, said they caught an assault suspect trying to escape naked on a single roller skate. They’ve charged the man after he allegedly attacked a woman delivering his newspaper. The woman said the man was angry at the number of advertising flyers that came with his paper, so he hit her over the head repeatedly with the paper. Though not hurt seriously, she said it was a little scary.
2003: The U.S. Supreme Court voted upheld a 50-year-old Virginia law making it a crime to burn a cross as an act of intimidation.
2005: The popular painkiller Bextra was removed from the U.S. market and a warning was put on Celebrex after the Food and Drug Administration cautioned that similar prescription drugs could lead to risk of heart attack or stroke.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1199: England’s King Richard I, the “Lionhearted,” dies at age 41. Richard, as one of the three leaders of the Third Crusade, negotiated Christian access to Jerusalem.
1498: Franciscan friars arrange an “ordeal by fire” in Florence to settle the dispute between reforming preacher Jerome Savonarola and Pope Alexander VI. Alexander had excommunicated Savonarola for preaching against papal corruption; Savonarola responded by calling for the pope to step down. If Savonarola’s friend Fra Domenico could walk safely between two walls of fire, God was supposedly on the Florentine city-manager’s side. But Savonarola never sent Domenico out. The crowd rioted, Savonarola’s power crumbled, and he was soon arrested, tortured, and executed.
1541: On his thirty-fifth birthday, Francis Xavier, cofounder of the Society of Jesus (Jesuits), sets sail from Lisbon, Portugal, for Goa, India. The first Roman Catholic missionary there, he also traveled to Japan, Sri Lanka, and other countries in Asia. It is hard to say how many people Xavier, the Roman Catholic patron saint of all missions, converted; the figure goes as high as 1 million, but modern scholars peg the number around 30,000. Jesuits claim 700,000.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
Comedian/TV host (“MTV Jams,” The Brothers, Any Given Sunday) Bill Bellamy, 53
Actor (Master & Commander, Gladiator, Cinderella Man, A Beautiful Mind) Russell Crowe, 54
actor-director (Around the World in 80 Days, Rush Hour 1,2,3, Shanghai Knights, Shanghai Noon) Jackie Chan 64
director (The Godfather trilogy, Apocalypse Now) Francis Ford Coppola, 79
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1908 : Percy Faith
1915 : Billie Holiday
1920 : Ravi Shankar
1923 : Mongo Santamaria
1935 : Bobby Bare
1937 : Charlie Thomas (The Drifters)
1943 : Mick Abrahams (Jethro Tull)
1946 : Bill Kreutzmann (Grateful Dead)
1947 : Pat Bennett (The Chiffons)
1948 : Carol Douglas
1949 : John Oates (Hall & Oates)
1951 : Janis Ian
1952 : Bruce Gary (The Knack)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Where do we get the term, “long in the tooth?”
“Long in the tooth,” meaning “old,” was originally used to describe horses. As horses age, their gums recede, giving the impression that their teeth are growing. The longer the teeth look, the older the horse.
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
*****NOTE: THIS FEATURE WILL BE TAKING A BREAK FROM MARCH 31 THRU APRL 16. IT WILL RETURN TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2018.*****
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were terrified and began to panic after coming across something they’d never seen before in the jungle – they found five giant footprints to a terrible, awful, disgusting, ugly, smelly, terrifying creature! Maybe. Unfortunately, nobody’s really seen the creature itself.
CLOSE: Maybe Nozzles is right… we really don’t know what made the footprints – or even if they’re real! Right now we’re just scared of stuff we’re imagining! Just imagine what will happen next… As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Spelling errors cause a bank robber to get caught before he ever gets the cash!
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America in San Francisco, walked into the branch and wrote “this is a stikkup (spelled S-T-I-K-K-U-P). Put all your muny (spelled M-U-N-Y) in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
SIGNS YOU ARE LIVING IN THE YEAR 2018…
10. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
9. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
8. You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your family of three.
7. You text the person who works at the desk next to you.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with family or friends is that they’re not on Facebook or Twitter.
5. You pull up into the driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you with the groceries.
4. Every commercial has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
3. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
2. You get up in the morning and stand in line for your morning coffee.
1. You watch reality shows to fulfill your dreams of life.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
The files of Law & Disorder are coming up next, with the story of men trying to purchase drinks at a 7-Eleven by giving the store a stolen car!
FILE #1: Robert Lamar and Richard Landers stole a Jeep Cherokee from a repair shop. They then headed over to the nearest 7-Eleven and offered to trade the Jeep for two six packs. The clerk declined the offer, of course, and called the cops but the two men were long gone before police arrived. End of story, right? Wrong. Keep in mind we’re dealing with stupid criminals here. They returned to the same store two days later and again offered to trade the Jeep for two six packs. This time they weren’t so lucky. An officer arrived in time and arrested them.
FILE #2: Dutch pedestrians asked a policeman to stop a fight between a cat and a giant rat. They didn’t want to get involved themselves because the rat was around 12 inches long. The Roosendaal city policeman separated the animals using a broom. He hit the rat on the back, but the broom broke in half. The rat survived. With half of the broom he brushed the rat into nearby stream. The cat had meanwhile made an exit.
FILE #3: A Florida man may have learned a lesson when he tried to rob a missionary couple last week in a motel in Tallahassee, Florida. According to reports, the man broke into the couple’s room as they were putting their luggage away while claiming to have a gun. It was then that the 45-year-old Missionary woman pushed the bandit out of the room, telling him, “we’re as poor as you are.” The suspect apologized and left on foot.
STRANGE LAW: Women Beware! In Pennsylvania, you must obtain a permit in order to wear cosmetics.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
Perhaps we should say today’s “Brain on Drugs” story is more like “Your CAR on Drugs.”
In Louisiana, a reliable family car suddenly developed a tendency to decelerate, leading to the discovery that it had been driven for years with $40,000 worth of cocaine stashed in the gas tank. A suburban New Orleans family had bought the ’96 Toyota Camry from a used car lot in 1997. When the car started losing speed, it was taken to a mechanic, who discovered two bricks of cocaine wrapped around the vehicle’s fuel line. The wrapping had apparently come loose recently. The car’s owners are not involved in drug trafficking, but their names were withheld in case the owners of the stash come looking for them. Investigators will now attempt to work backward and see where that vehicle had originated.
This is FAMILIES LAUGHING THROUGH STORIES WEEK, time to tell funny family stories. ***So how about it – what are you family’s funny stories?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: In whose tomb was Ish-bosheth’s head buried?
ANSWER: Abner’s (2 Samuel 4:12)
QUESTION: There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
ANSWER: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. The three most common seasonings found in an American home are seasoned salt, chili powder and cinnamon. (True)
2. The word oregano means “joy of the fields” in Greek. (False – it means “joy of the mountains”)
3. Ancient Egypt physicians once used jolts from electric eels on their patients to treat arthritis. (False – but close. They used electric catfish)
4. Romans used to believe that walnuts could cure head ailments. (True. During the time of the Renaissance they believed so, since the shape of a walnut is similar to that of a brain.
5. Over 1.2 billion people in the world live on less than $1 a day. (True)
6. Some Roman statues had detachable heads. (True – so the heads could be changed for others.)
7. Wham-O manufactured 20,000 hula hoops a week at the peak of hula hoop popularity in 1958. (False – 20,000 hula hoops a DAY!)
8. Approximately 125 million yards of fabric have been used for Barbie and her friends dolls since 1959. (True)
9. Baskin Robbins plain vanilla ice creams accounts for 25% of their sales. (True)
10. Dairy Queen first was opened in Joliet, Illinois. (True – in 1940)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
________ BANNED IN NEW JERSY (HUGGING)
The governor of New Jersey has followed the Matawan-Aberdeen Middle School, and has banned hugging anywhere in the state.
“We are a no hugging state,” the governor reportedly told reporters yesterday. “If we catch anyone hugging it will be a $100 fine for the first offense, $250 or the second offense and $1,000 for the third. After that, it’s jail.”
He got the idea from Matawan school district that decided that middle school children shouldn’t hug each other. “It’s not normal or natural,” said school superintendent John Jacobus. “If kids hug, then the next thing you know there having babies and we can’t have that happen in our school.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A father in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn’t allowed.
“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man said.
“That’s OK Dad,” the son says, “The police car right behind us did the same thing.”
At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.
The master of ceremonies began: “First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.”
“Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. “Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated…”
A voice from the audience cut in: “Well, there go the rest of us!”
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just got home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, “Honey, I’m home!”
“And just where have you been?” she replied sharply. “It’s after seven o’clock!”
Scientists in China found the remains of a prehistoric mammal about the size of a cat with the remains of a tiny dinosaur called a “parrot dinosaur” in its stomach. It was startling because it’s the first proof mammals hunted dinosaurs. The conventional theory is that early mammals were timid creatures the size of chipmunks, cowering from giant reptiles. ***Of course mammals ate dinosaurs – how else do you explain Fred and Barney eating brontosaurus burgers? (audio clip)
Eating at home can save you some cash. But a study warns that relying on cookbooks to prepare food can be a recipe for disaster — in terms of calories. ***With or without a recipe, my cooking is STILL a disaster.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a mule?
Milk with a real kick to it.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
AND THE COW JUMPED OVER THE MOON… AND FELL TO EARTH
This is probably one of my favorite stories of all time – and it’s completely true!
Early in 1997, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship’s loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane’s hold and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
“Now that I am old and gray, do not abandon me, O God. Let me proclaim your power to this new generation, your mighty miracles to all who come after me.” Psalm 71:18
The psalmist was concerned that he not be forsaken until God declared His power to the next generation. Every generation must know firsthand the power of God.
It is not enough to hear about how God visited the previous generation in great power, wonders, and miracles. Our generation must see that power manifested.
Without a true manifestation of the power of God, each generation grows progressively dubious of God’s reality. “One day Jesus called together his twelve apostles and gave them power and authority to cast out demons and to heal all diseases” (Luke 9:1). This action was more than simple religious protocol—it was a transferal of Jesus’ power to the next generation. What would have happened to the world if Christ had departed without giving anyone the same power He had to help people?
The same power that flowed from Christ’s robes to heal the woman with the issue of blood is available today. From generation to generation, God’s power has been passed on. Now it is our turn to rise up and show God’s power to the next generation.
–By Larry Stockstill
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
THEY WOULDN’T LET ME
Read: Matthew 11:20-30
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. —Matthew 11:28
A woman was trapped on the top floor of a burning building. Flames and smoke blocked every way of escape. When firefighters arrived, one of the men scrambled up a ladder to the window where the woman was screaming for help, and with outstretched arms he offered to save her. But when she looked down and saw the great distance to the ground below, she panicked and drew back into the room.
The man attempting the rescue begged her to trust him for her safety, but his pleas were not heeded. In senseless fear she retreated beyond the fireman’s reach. Finally, being forced to return to the ground, he said with tears in his eyes, “I did everything I could to save her, but she wouldn’t let me!”
Those words made me think of the spiritual peril facing so many people. Jesus longs to forgive their sins, but they stubbornly resist His offer of salvation. By refusing to trust Him, they are like the woman who perished in the flames even though she could have escaped.
Dear friend, right now believe on the Lord Jesus! He invites you to come to Him (Matthew 11:28). Don’t be among those of whom the Lord must say, “I did everything I could to save them, but they wouldn’t let Me!” —Richard De Haan
Why do you wait, dear brother?
The harvest is passing away;
Your Savior is longing to bless you,
There’s danger and death in delay. —Root
Faith is the hand that receives God’s gift.
MONKEY SEE MONKEY DO
Proof that evolution is NOT true!
New research in Nature magazine suggests that apes and monkeys might have an equivalent of the Golden Rule for behavior. The idea that primates are paying one another for labor with the intention of being paid back proves true especially when it comes to hunting. You see, one chimpanzee or monkey can’t easily bag a prey by itself, so it recruits others to help with stalking and corralling. Then, when the prey is in hand, the hunter shares the prey with its helpers, which reinforces the cooperative behavior for future hunts. ***MARLAR: This obviously disproves the theory of evolution; humans can’t share like that.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Law enforcement authorities are becoming increasingly worried about a sudden, sharp rise in the incidence of identity theft, the outright pilfering of people’s personal information for use in obtaining credit cards, loans and other goods. ***MARLAR: You know, this whole identity theft deal doesn’t really worry me all that much. I mean, if I can’t obtain credit cards, loans or other goods with my own identity, what makes somebody else think they’re going to?
JUST FOR FUN
POLITICS ARE JUST PLAIN BORING
Where will our future politicians come from? They could be few and far between. A survey from job information company Recruit Co. said that 21.4 percent of boys and 26.7 percent of girls picked politics as their least desired career choice. It ranked lower than high rise construction work and the army. Some of the high school seniors surveyed viewed a life of politics as “boring”, “awful” and believed political work “doesn’t matter”. A majority of the girls surveyed said they would like to become actresses. ***MARLAR: Hone those acting skills ladies, and you could have a great career in politics!
GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR A PASTOR
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the “Gong Show,” “Beavis and Butthead” and “Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”
Good News: Your women’s softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men’s softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It’s in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to “decorate” your house.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
The victim of a hit-and-run accident says he won’t press charges if the driver reads the Bible every day. Al Knowles, a 90-year-old pastor from the US, was hit by a Taiwanese driver as he was out walking in Taipei. The driver fled but was arrested soon after the accident. Knowles, who suffered minor injuries, says the driver can make amends by reading the Bible. Knowles, who has lived in Taiwan for 25 years, gave the driver two Bibles, one in English and the other in Chinese. The driver accepted his offer, but he will still be charged by the public prosecutor. ***MARLAR: Either way, he’s having “the book” thrown at him.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child … she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 06, 2018…
You Were Really Here—This film is a thriller taken from the novella by Jonathan Ames. It is about trying to find a young woman (Ekaterina Samsonod) who has been kidnapped and forced into the sex trade. A detective (Joaquin Phoenix) tries to find her. Someone is just one step ahead of Joaquin. Also in the cast is John Doman. “You Were Really Here” is rated R. No rating.
Blockers—A comedy, starring John Cena, and about parents who try to prevent their teen-age daughters from that first date of going all the way. The parents do a covert operation and follow the girls. The cast includes Lesley Mann, Kathryn Newton, Gary Cole and Gina Gershon. “Blockers” is rated PG-13 No rating.
A Quiet Place—John Krasinski stars, wrote, and directs this film that also has his wife, Emily Blunt, as one of the cast. It is a combination thriller-/horror film about a family whose house is invaded by strangers that hunt by sound. What to do and just how quiet can you keep, anyway? Also in the cast are Noah Jupe and Millicent Simmonds. “A Quiet Place” is rated R. No rating.
The Endless—A horror film with another actor, Justin Benson, who wrote/directs/and stars in his film. Not much information given, but other cast members include Aaron Moorhead, Callie Hernandez and Lew Temple. “The Endless” is rated R. No rating.
Paul: An Apostle (also called The Apostle Paul)—This film is opening slowly around the country. It stars James Faulkner (“Downton Abbey”) as Paul, and a great part of the film has Paul in prison during the time Nero is Emperor. Hence, the persecution of Christians and doubts within the new church as to what to do amid all the problems they are encountering. Jim Caviezel plays Luke, a physician here, and a friend of Paul, who attempts to help him in prison. Other characters include a Roman soldier and a sick child. The early church, had its problems, and how it managed to continue is thought-provoking. “Paul: An Apostle” is rated PG 13 for violence. Rating of 2.
APRIL 13, 2018…
Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero is a real life canine hero of WWI and he is a Boston terrier. Human star is Logan Lerman.
The Rider is based on a true story of a professional rodeo rider who overcomes difficulties.
Miracle Season is based on the true story of the Iowa City West High School Girls Volleyball team. Stars Erin Moriarity.
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