August 24, 2017: Thursday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170824
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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I think of each new day as a blank sheet of paper — just waiting to be written on.  But what usually happens is — somebody comes along and uses it for a Kleenex.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“You have granted me life and loving kindness; and Your care has preserved my spirit.” – Job 10:12

“I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” — Jeremiah 29:11

Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. — 2 Corinthians 7:1

If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. — Matthew 6:14

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

[Speaking to the Israelites about their enemies, Moses said:] “Do not be terrified by them, for the LORD your God, who is among you, is a great and awesome God.” — Deuteronomy 7:21

Thought: What foe can defeat the people of God? None! Our God, our Deliverer, is mighty in power, awesome in holiness, and greater than any of our foes. We refuse to fear what the evil one threatens because our Savior has already ultimately defeated him.

Prayer: Abba Father, calm my fears and sooth my anxious heart. By the power of your Spirit, please bless me with boldness and confidence as I seek to live for you in a world that is often hostile to my faith and opposed to your values. I ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Romans 8:24 NIV = For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?

TODAY IS THURSDAY – AUGUST 24, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
122 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL KNIFE DAY.  ***During the first week back to school for some kids?!?!  Are these people NUTS?!?!

Today is FLITTING APPRECIATION DAY, a time to recognize those who have perfected the art of flitting around.  ***Or perhaps a day for those who can actually use the word “flitting” in a proper conversation.

WEATHER CLICHÉ DAY, marking this date in 1897 when editor Charles Dudley Warner of the Hartford Courant published the sentence, “Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.”  Many incorrectly attribute the quotation to Warner’s close friend, Mark Twain.

Today is “THE FACTS OF LIFE” DAY, marking debut of the popular NBC-TV sitcom on August 24, 1979. A spinoff from “Diff’rent Strokes,” it starred Lisa Welchel, Mindy Cohn, Nancy McKeon, Kim Fields, Charlotte Rae, and Molly Ringwald.  (

)

TODAY IS ALSO…

Knife Day
Pluto Demoted Day
Vesuvius Day
Wayzgoose Day
William Wilberforce Day
National Waffle Iron Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, AUGUST 25

International Bat Night
Brother’s Day
Kiss and Make Up Day
National Park Service Day
National Second-hand Wardrobe Day
National Whiskey Sour Day
World Daffodil Day

SATURDAY, AUGUST 26

Franchise Appreciation Day
Go Topless Day
International Tongue Twister Day
National Dog Day
National Toilet Paper Day
National WebMistress Day
Women’s Equality Day

SUNDAY, AUGUST 27

Just Because Day
The Duchess Who Wasn’t Day

MONDAY, AUGUST 28

National Bow Tie Day
Pony Express Day
Race Your Mouse Around the Icons Day
Radio Commercials Day
Crackers Over The Keyboard Day

TUESDAY, AUGUST 29

According to Hoyle Day
Individual Rights Day
International Day Against Nuclear Tests
More Herbs, Less Salt Day
National Sarcoidosis Day
National Whiskey Sour Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 30

International Cabernet Sauvignon Day
International Day of The Victims of Enforced Disappearances
International Whale Shark Day
National Grief Awareness Day
National Holistic Pet Day
National Toasted Marshmallow Day

Tug-of-War Day

THURSDAY, AUGUST 31

International Overdose Awareness Day
Love Litigating Lawyers Day
National Diatomaceous Earth Day
National Matchmaker Day

ON THIS DAY

79: Mount Vesuvius erupted, burying the cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum in volcanic ash.

1932: Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly non-stop across the U.S., traveling from Los Angeles to Newark, New Jersey, in just over 19 hours.

1956: Elvis Presley recorded “Love Me Tender.”

1968: Rocker Keith Moon of The Who drove a Lincoln into the swimming pool at the Holiday Inn in Flint, Michigan.

1981: Mark David Chapman was sentenced in New York to 20 years to life in prison for killing rock star John Lennon.

1989: Pete Rose was banned from baseball for gambling.

1990: Irish singer Sinead O’Connor prompted a boycott of her music when she refused to allow the U.S. National Anthem to be played before her New Jersey concert.

1991: In Newport, South Carolina, 15-year-old Dirk Tanis escaped from his burning home after Spuds, the family Dalmation, bit his hand to wake him up. Safely outside, Dirk then watched Spuds carry out Gizmo, a 5-month-old kitten, by the scruff of its neck.

1992: Thieves armed with a frozen rabbit smashed through the glass doors of a pub in Devon, England. They left the rabbit thawing on the bar.

1995: Microsoft released Windows-95.

1996: Four women became students at The Citadel, a military school in South Carolina that had fought in court to remain all male.

1997: A 36-year-old German man was nearly killed when he passed out during a heavy drinking session at a Munich tavern and fell on top of his beer glass. A piece of shattered glass sliced an artery in his neck.

1998: Three parties donated 24 beads to the Indian Museum of North America at the Crazy Horse Memorial in South Dakota’s Black Hills. The beads were said to be used in 1626 to buy Manhattan from the Indians.

2002: Petri Valta of Finland beat 90 other contestants from seven countries when he hurled a Nokia 5510 cell phone 219 feet to set a new world record at the Mobile Phone Throwing World Championships in Savonlinna, Finland.

2004: An investigative panel headed by former Defense Secretary James Schlesinger blamed institutional and personal failures at high levels for mistreatment of prisoners at Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

410: Alaric and the Goths sack Rome. Pagans blamed pacifist Christians and their God for the defeat. Augustine, in his massive City of God, repudiated this claim and blamed Rome’s corruption instead.

1456: The second volume of the Gutenberg Bible is bound in Mainz, Germany. This act completes a two-year project to create the first complete book printed with movable type.

1759: William Wilberforce, philanthropist and vocal abolitionist, is born in Yorkshire, England.

1662: The deadline arrives for all British ministers to publicly assent to the Book of Common Prayer (BCP). The Act of Uniformity, passed on May 19, 1662, also required the BCP to be used exclusively from this date forward. The act remains on Britain’s Statute Book, though it has been modified over the years.

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • Actor (Harry Potter movies) Rupert Grint, 29

  • model Claudia Schiffer 46

  • TV’s (original host of “The Daily Show,” host of “The Late Late Show,” the movie Old School) Craig Kilborn 54

  • Actress (Oscar for Children of a Lesser God) Marlee Matlin, 51

  • Actor (Three Men and a Baby, Cocoon) Steve Guttenberg, 58

  • Actor (Kramer on “Seinfeld”) Michael Richards, 66 (

    )

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1905 : Arthur “Big Boy” Crudup

1915 : Wynonie Harris

1924 : Louis Teicher (Ferrante and Teicher)

1938 : Mason Williams

1938 : David Frieberg (Jefferson Airplane)

1941 : Ernest Wright (Little Anthony & The Imperials)

1942 : Marshall Donald Thompson (The Chi-Lites)

1942 : Carl Mann

1942 : Jimmy Soul

1943 : John Cipollina (Quicksilver Messenger Service)

1944 : Jim Capaldi (Traffic)

1944 : Jim Brady (The Sandpipers)

1945 : Ken Hensley (Uriah Heep)

1945 : Malcolm Duncan (Average White Band)

1947 : Jim Fox (James Gang)

1948 : Jean-Michel Jarre

1951 : Michael Derosier (Heart)

1951 : Danny Joe Brown (Molly Hatchet)

1957 : Jeffrey Daniels (Shalamar)

1961 : Mark Bedford (Madness)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we call a bad dream a nightmare?

Most people when asked to guess about its origins figure that the “mare” in nightmare has something to do with horses. I could live with that. Recently I was given a hot tip on a thoroughbred and got to the betting window at the track just as the race began and the window closed. The nag won and I did not have good dreams that night. But that’s not the etymology of nightmare–not by a long shot. It comes from the Old English word “maere,” which means an incubus, a tiny demon that stands on your chest during the night, suffocating you. Why would an incubus do that to you? You probably did something to upset nature’s laws. Maybe you served white wine with red meat, wore a red suit with brown shoes, or did some other nightmarish thing.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends.)

Mark Wahlberg soared to the top of the world’s highest paid actors on an annual Forbes magazine. Wahlberg, 46, earned an estimated $68 million in 2017 thanks to his paydays for movies “Daddy’s Home 2” and “Transformers: The Last Knight.”  ***Wow – imagine what he might’ve made if he had been able to land GOOD movies!

Tiffany Trump’s recent “Roman holiday” included a stay on a friend’s yacht and over $100-thousand in car rental costs.  ***Over a hundred thousand dollars in car rentals?  How does someone do that when they’re staying ON A BOAT?

When NASA launched Voyager 1 and Voyager 2 deep into space 40 years ago, each spacecraft brought along a golden record with sights and sounds from Earth, just in case any aliens were to stumble across it. Now that the record is being re-created in a box set for humans on Earth.  ***And after seeing the list of songs chosen for the records, it’s completely understandable why aliens have decided not to visit us.

A British study claims that cats prefer spending time with humans over eating food.  ***On the flip side, humans would rather spend time with food than with cats… or with other humans for that matter.

If you bought any avocados on Facebook, they’re probably stolen. With local and global demand for avocados showing no sign of tapering off, there have been dozens of night-time raids on orchards in New Zealand by thieves. But while last year most of the stolen crops ended up in roadside fruit stands and small shops, this year thieves have had to get more creative and are taking their stolen wares to social media, like Facebook.  ***Maybe I’m just out of the loop here, but who goes grocery shopping on Facebook?

Some white supremacists taking DNA tests have discovered they’re part black.  ***That’s gotta be awkward at the Klan meetings.  Just wait until it comes out that they are also Lionel Richie fans!

A new study finds that human brains are hardwired to gossip.  ***I didn’t realize the National Enquirer conducted studies, did you?

Snack company KIND dumped 45,485 pounds of sugar in Times Square Tuesday to spark conversation about how much added sugar children consume.  ***On the plus side, New York’s rodent problem has just been solved by giving all of the rats diabetes.

It can’t be easy going through life with the last name “Grabher.” I mean you can’t even get a personalized license plate. In Nova Scotia, Canada, Lorne Grabher had a “GRABHER” license plate made for his father in 1991 to honor their German last name. But then Mr. Grabher got a letter informing him the plate would be canceled because people could “misinterpret it as a socially unacceptable slogan.” He’s now accusing the government of “discriminating” against his name. However, Department of Transportation spokesman Brian Taylor said they received a complaint that “some individuals” were taking the license plate as “misogynistic and promoting violence against women.” The phrase “grab her” took on political significance last October, when a leaked 2005 tape revealed now-U.S. President Donald Trump bragging about how he can do “anything” to women and stating, “Grab them by the…well, you know.” But Mr. Grabher said the plate has nothing to do with Trump, and stressed that he is no fan of Trump. But he added, “Nobody should be ashamed of their name.” ***Typically I’d agree, but your name is GRAB HER – like you’ve never in your entire life had someone point out to you that it means something other than just your name?  The very idea of having a “Grabher” license plate – you know it’s going to be controversial even before you put that thing on your car.

95-year-old producer Norman Lear has been given the go-ahead to produce a new series for NBC called, “Guess Who Died?”  ***At 95-years-old, has anyone considered it might be an autobiography?

Canada plans to legalize recreational marijuana in 2018. An official says Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s Liberal government will introduce legislation this spring that is expected to become law by July next year. ***At which point, everyone who said they’d leave the U.S. if Trump got elected, now have another reason to make good on their promise.

Customers and employees of Joe’s Crab Shack were stunned last week to discover the restaurants closed with no warning. The company has closed 41 restaurants so far.  ***First it was Radio Shack, now it’s Joe’s Crab Shack.  I’d be getting my resume updated if I work at Shake Shack.

A man in Germany was charged with theft and burglary after police said they found 93 pounds of women’s panties, bras and other underwear at his home. Investigators believe the man took as many as 1,500 undergarments from apartment complex laundry rooms before he was caught.  ***Well, I guess everyone needs a hobby.

The next version of Google’s Android software will be called Oreo.  ***Followed shortly thereafter by someone saying it’s racist.  Because that’s our world in 2017.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends.)

A Danish study suggests that men who are obese by age 20 die eight years earlier on average than their non-obese peers.  ***That may be true, but we die happier by eating pizza and hot fudge sundaes.

If you wash your hands in public restrooms, brush your teeth and wear antiperspirant, you’ve come in contact with triclosan, an antibacterial used in many personal care products. But, according to Time, mounting evidence has linked triclosan to bacteria resistance, hormone disruption, and possibly even liver cancer.  ***So stop washing your hands, stop brushing your teeth, and stop wearing antiperspirant and you’re good to go!

Are you on a sugar high right now?  If you’re an average American, you probably are.  The average American stays on a sugar high, eating the equivalent of 31 teaspoons of sugar each day. In addition to the obvious sugar in sodas (a 12-ounce can contains 10 teaspoons), desserts, and candy bars, sugar is a common ingredient in processed foods, from pizza sauce to crackers.  ***So expecting niceties from your boss is probably unreasonable – he’s sweet enough as it is.

If you bite your tongue or stub your toe, your first instinct is probably to yell “Ow!” But have you ever wondered why that is? According to a study, being vocal could actually help you tolerate the pain. Researchers tested how long subjects could keep their hands immersed in very cold water before they couldn’t take it anymore. They found that saying “ow” during the experiment increased the subjects’ tolerance for pain.  ***So when my wife kept saying, “Ow, ow, ow” during our wedding… that should’ve been a warning sign?

Consumer Reports says that most of the U.S. pork supply is tainted with all sorts of things including a growth hormone.  ***So… bigger bacon.  I’m not seeing a problem here.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: Wow… that’s strange. What are the odds that someone else would be writing the exact same song that Millard is just now composing? And, is it just me, or does Millard’s new song sound really, uh… familiar? Get more of the story next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Did you ever think about the fact that, somewhere out in the world, there’s a worst doctor?

If you think about it, there has to be worst doctor somewhere, right? Well we may have found him. It’s a doctor that, in five years, has operated on the wrong limb… twice! Dr. Craig DuMond was fired recently by the Adirondack Medical Centre for operating on a healthy knee. 5 years ago, he operated on the wrong hip and his colleagues did their best to help him out. In fact, since the hip incident 5 years ago, the operating room nurses started printing the word “yes” on limbs which were supposed to be operated on and they even pulled a red sock over the healthy arm or leg as a final reminder. But to no avail, he operated on the wrong limb again. ***MARLAR: So calling it a medical “practice” is accurate… he just needs a bit MORE practice.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS FOR TEENAGERS

10. No one fails a class anymore, there merely “passing impaired.”

9. You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the “exit delayed.”

8. Your bedroom isn’t cluttered, it’s just “passage restrictive.”

7. These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”

6. Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk, it’s just “closure prohibitive.”

5. Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

4. Your homework isn’t missing, its just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

3. You’re not sleeping in class, you’re “rationing consciousness.”

2. You’re not late, you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”

1. You’re not having a bad hair day, you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A bad haircut ends up in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: A woman who claims she had a “bad hair year” is suing a Wisconsin styling salon. Janesville resident Stacie Renz says it took a year for her hair to recover after getting highlights done at the Regis Salon in Janesville. She has filed for damages in Rock County Court, but the salon denies any knowledge or liability. She claims that she simply wanted highlights for her brown hair in March 1998, and it went badly. They tried fixing it by using different chemicals, and by that time, it was orange and crispy. She no longer works in the styling industry and none of the staff who were at the salon at the time of Stacie’s visit still work there.

FILE #2: A 21-year-old Arizona man stands accused of a string of robberies — and he’s probably grateful the cops caught up with him and put an end to his misfortune. At the first stickup, the hapless hooligan dropped his gun and it broke. At the second, he had to stop in mid-getaway to use an inhaler to relieve an asthma attack. And at the third, he locked himself out of his getaway car. After he finally broke into his own vehicle, the cops pulled him over for driving at night without his headlights on, bringing his life of crime to a halt.

FILE #3: A New Zealand policeman liked his job so much, he bought his police station. Jim Beardsley retires this week after 33 years, but will continue to be landlord to the Cambridge Police. The Cambridge force needed a bigger station, but didn’t want to buy it themselves, so Constable Beardsley stepped in. The force now occupies a spacious, air conditioned office, just yards from the back fence of Constable Beardsley’s house. ***MARLAR: In case there’s any confusion… buying off a police station is okay.  It’s buying off a police officer that gets you into trouble.

STRANGE LAW: Many cities have statutes preventing ministers and barbers from eating garlic or onions during their hours of business.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A man is so desperate for beer, he gets creative in finding transportation to the nearest gas station.

With a revoked license because of a previous drunken-driving conviction, Dennis Cretton shouldn’t drive. But authorities said that didn’t stop the 49-year-old man from drunkenly driving up to a gas station for more beer – on his yellow riding lawnmower.  Cretton was charged with felony aggravated driving under the influence after neighbors reported he was weaving in and out of traffic on his lawnmower. When deputies tried to stop him, authorities said Cretton drove the mower into his home’s front yard, his 12-pack of Milwaukee’s Best spilling onto the ground along the way.

PHONER PHUN

Which old movie would you like to see a remake of?

Which old movie should never be remade?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Which two disciples asked Jesus to sit at His right hand and left hand?

ANSWER: James and John (Mark 10:35-37)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How far will the average office chair with wheels travel in one-year’s time?

ANSWER: Eight miles

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Corn is an ingredient in about 300 grocery products. (False – try more than 3,000)

2. It takes 1,000 pounds of milk to make 15 pounds of cottage cheese. (False – it takes 100 pounds of milk)

3. The banana is the world’s largest herb. (True)

4. Ancient Chinese artists would never paint pictures of women’s feet. (True)

5. The average human drinks about 6,000 gallons of water in a lifetime. (False – 16,000 gallons)

6. Nolan Ryan was the first baseball player to make over $1 million dollars in a season. (True)

7. The toes of mummies were individually wrapped. (True)

8. “Mageiricophobia” is the intense fear of magic. (False – it’s the fear of having to cook)

9. Women shoplift more often than men. (True… the ratio is 4-to-1.)

10. Minnie Pearl’s famous price tag read “$1.98.” (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

CURIOSITY KILLS MARTIAN _________ (CAT)

After narrowly escaping an initial attack, the Mars rover Curiosity has reportedly run over a Martian cat. The incident comes after an already tumultuous stay on the Red Planet, as those “seven minutes of terror” that brought Curiosity down to the surface was quickly countered with a Martian swarm.

A picture of the cat-like creature’s corpse, taken by one of Curiosity’s cameras, was sent to NASA on Tuesday. The question of whether or not this planet has life was answered for all of the Earth’s naysayers within the first few hours of Curiosity’s arrival. However, the robot’s continued encounters with Martian lifeforms has provided many more questions.

How will the Martians retaliate against Earth for killing one of their precious, feline-like companions? Do cats on Mars also have nine lives? Are there Martian puppies?

Developments about the rover itself also continue to unravel. Details about the rover’s abilities have surprised many as it continues its search on Mars. From self-repair programming to a crude grappling gun that helped it escape those initial attacks, Curiosity continues to inspire awe in its design and functionality. However, many are now skeptical about the robot’s chances against advanced alien weaponry.

Weekly World News will continue to follow Curiosity as it makes its way to the Tylon Canyon, miles south of where it took the life of the Martian Cat. President Donald Trump is expected to provide a formal apology to the Martian people for the incident on Wednesday.

When reached, a PETA spokesman was unable to comment on whether the organization advocates for ethical treatment of Martian animals.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

“No thanks,” said Doug. “I’ll just have a cup of black coffee.”

“I’ll have black coffee too,” Bill said. “And please make sure the cup is clean.”

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back. “Two cups of black coffee,” she announced. “Which one of you wanted the clean cup?”

JOKE #2

A taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. 
”Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”

JOKE #3

At the scale manufacturers’ convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight. A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight. 
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: “One hundred and sixty-three.”

USELESS FACTS

The Consumers Union says 75% of people who use the internet don’t trust web sites that sell things. ***For more information, log on to our website to purchase the complete report.

This will probably come as no surprise to married women, but a University of Michigan study shows that having a husband creates an extra seven hours of extra housework a week. On the other hand, for guys who are married, having a wife saves him from an hour of chores each week.  ***I’m not seeing the downside.

FEATURED FUNNIES

SAM’S FISHING

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish. Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam’s boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam’s approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, “You can’t do this! I’ll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!”
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words: “Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

3-Year-Old Biker Dude!
In New Delhi, three-year-old Azeem Khan has been granted a special motorcycle license by the Indian DMV. Azeem had to prove he could control the powerful Royal Enfield Bullet after his dad added special extensions to the controls so he could reach them. His proud father, Shantanu Khan says of his toddler, “He is much safer than most adult drivers I know.” But Azeem, who turns four next month, is not allowed out on the main roads on his own. Dad says, “Of course I won’t let him drive on the busy roads without me on the bike as well. I trust Azeem but I don’t trust other drivers.” And the pint-sized biker already has his sights set on his next set of wheels — a Harley Davidson — which is his dream.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

Your body is a temporary house that you occupy before moving into eternity. The body itself is not evil, only the sinful nature that manipulates it. Concerning the human body, Paul first taught the Corinthians that their bodies were “actually parts of Christ” (1 Corinthians 6:15). It would be unthinkable to take Christ’s body and place it in an immoral situation! In the same way, you must consider your body as respectfully as you would Christ’s own body.
Second, Paul stated that the body is the “temple of the Holy Spirit”
(v. 19). To use it in outward sin, therefore, obviously grieves Him. If you consider an earthly temple as holy, how much more should you respect a temple where the Holy Spirit is physically present!
Finally, Paul says, “You were bought at a price.” Your body is worth the highest price ever paid for anything—the blood of Jesus. If God sets such a high price on your body, how much more should you cherish it!
Value your body, and don’t cheapen it with immorality. Refuse to yield it to the desires of the sinful nature. Keep it pure, and one day it will be glorified like Jesus’ body.

–Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

OUR MAIN CALLING

Read: Exodus 19:1-8

I bore you on eagles’ wings and brought you to Myself. —Exodus 19:4

In our performance-driven world, Christians often assume that God’s main calling on their lives is to work for Him. But working for Christ should be secondary to our devotion to Him. As Oswald Chambers warned: “The greatest competitor of devotion to Jesus is service for Him.”

I encountered this subtle “competitor” soon after the Lord led our family to start a ministry among street addicts. We loved these searching youths, and I devoted my entire attention and energy to helping them experience Christ’s saving power.

Then Derek, one of our seekers, ran back to London and to drugs. This loss shocked me into realizing that I had become so absorbed in our work that my devotion to Jesus had lost its importance. God used my distresses as “eagles’ wings” to carry me away from my worship of work and back to my first love—Jesus!

God did the same for Israel in Moses’ day. He delivered the Hebrews from an impossible taskmaster and brought them on “eagles’ wings” back to Himself (Exodus 19:4).

Praise God, Derek soon returned. Meanwhile, I had learned a lesson that’s vital for all followers of Jesus. Our God-given work must never compete with our main calling: devotion to Christ. —Joanie Yoder

Striving for souls, I loved the work too well;
Then disappointments came; I could not tell
The reason, till He said, “I am thine all;
Unto Myself I call.” —Cowman

Many Christians are strong on service but weak on worship.

LEFTOVERS

TOUGH LOVE

Want to adopt a child? Better get those boxing gloves out!  One couple has been turned down for an adoption because they don’t argue enough! As if adopting a child isn’t difficult enough as it is . . . one couple’s application to adopt a child was rejected because – get this – they don’t ARGUE enough!  A Swedish Welfare board says that the couple is unfit to be parents because they don’t have enough experience arguing with each other. According to the welfare board, ”To be able to resolve conflicts, one needs to have experience in arguing and conflict resolving. Children should grow up in an environment that allows them to argue as it will teach them about differences of opinion.”

LIFE… LIVE IT

TIPS FOR GETTING ENOUGH PHYSICAL ACTIVITY

It may sound daunting: The government says most adults should get 2 1/2 hours a week of physical activity that revs their heart rates. But if you can’t do that much, don’t give up – every little bit helps, especially as people age. “The message should always be to take it slow by setting realistic but challenging goals,” says Jack Rejeski, Wake Forest University professor of health and exercise science. He recommends a walk with friends “and before you know it, you’re through.”

Some tips:

  • The recommendation is for moderate-intensity physical activity, things like a brisk walk, water aerobics, cutting grass with a push mower, taking a dance class, doubles tennis.

  • Just doing 10 minutes at a time counts. A few 10-minute activities each day add up.

  • If you’ve been sedentary, build up gradually.

  • If you prefer more vigorous activity – like jogging or singles tennis or a fast bike ride – the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says 75 minutes a week is sufficient. One minute of vigorous activity counts for two minutes of moderate activity.

  • The CDC says moderate-intensity means you’re not breathing too hard to talk but you couldn’t sing.

  • In addition to the aerobic activity, the CDC urges muscle-strengthening activities at least two days a week. That can range from digging in the garden and yoga to push-ups or lifting weights.

JUST FOR FUN

WEDDING ROBBERY

Call it the case of the runaway bridal gowns. 

Hundreds of wedding dresses worth more than $230,000 were stolen from a Vancouver store.  Investigators were seeking clues at consignment shops, wedding stores and other businesses after the heist was discovered.  Police Inspector Tim Laidler said he had never heard of so many dresses being stolen at once.   None of the stolen dresses was reserved for a wedding, so there won’t be any unhappy brides, and only dresses up for sale were taken.  ***MARLAR: So, if you steal a dress for your own wedding, does that count as “something borrowed”?

FUN LIST

BACK-TO-SCHOOL PRE-TEST

It’s time for kids to go back to school, and as a public service, I’m here to give your kids a little back-to-school pre-test on various subjects:

HISTORY: Paul Revere made his ride through the Massachusetts countryside to:

a)      warn everybody that the British were coming;

b)      call The Minutemen to arms;

c)      see how well the new stereo system he installed on his horse sounded.

MATH: Farmer Brown has six chickens. Four chickens lay one egg a day; two chickens lay an egg every other day. In your typical story problem, the question to answer would be:

a)      how many days does it take for the chicken to lay a dozen eggs;

b)      how many eggs will the chickens lay in a year;

c)      how low does the price of eggs have to drop before Farmer Brown gives up and turns his chickens into six buckets of original recipe.

CHEMISTRY: Mixing a metal like sodium with a corrosive acid and a caustic alkali (alk-uh-lie) will produce:

a)      a salt dissolved in water;

b)      a discharge of chlorine gas;

c)      a trip to the ER.

ENGLISH: An example of a preposition is:

a)      in

b)      over

c)      “Hey, do I have the deal for you.”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THEY’RE BACK!

The movie ‘Failure to Launch’ has come true for many families. Here’s what to do when your adult child moves back home (according to author Barbara McRae)

The latest parenting challenge is dealing with emerging adults who have no intention of leaving the nest. Many 19- to 30-year-olds either return home after college – or have never left. The media refers to them as “Boomerang Kids.” Parents are worried that their kids won’t ever be motivated to start their own lives. 
This phenomenon is highlighted in the movie “Failure to Launch.” Matthew McConaughey plays Tripp, 30-something bachelor whose parents want him out of the house. They hire Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker), an “interventionist,” to help him move out. Paula has a track record of successfully boosting men’s self-confidence to spur them to want to be independent.

This story line is not as far-fetched as it may seem. Young adults are indeed becoming more difficult to coax out of their comfy childhood homes. According to Twentysomethings.com, since the ’70s, the number of 26-year-olds still living at home has nearly doubled! Here are the top four factors I’ve found that contribute to this change:

1. Kids Are Unprepared
They are overwhelmed by the prospect of responsibility or unmotivated to live independently. They would rather play it safe by staying in their familiar surroundings, playing computer games, and just hanging out.  Often such young people have grown up living a privileged lifestyle. Well-meaning parents provide their children with all the amenities of affluence. The parents are focused on doing more for their children than their parents did for them—at the expense of keeping them dependent. Kids don’t move out because they’ve got it made! 
How to Help: Teach young adults how to become self-sufficient by giving them opportunities to grow into healthy adults. Show them how to create a budget and how to save for big expenditures. Let them make their own choices and reap the consequences. Step back and let the Law of Cause and Effect happen organically; don’t rescue. Young adults need to clean up their messes; otherwise no growth takes place.

2. Kids Are Cautious or Clueless About a Career
They want a great life, but are unsure how to discover their ideal career path. They approach college with the same trial and error mindset their parents had only to find out that it no longer prepares them for today’s competitive world. 
Parents do their kids a disservice by waiting until they are 17 or 18 before initiating career-related discussions. In our dynamic society where change is a daily diet, this is much too late! It’s best to start young, at age 13. This stage of development is the perfect time to begin connecting the dots between what they love to do and possible career options. It can take years to prepare for the perfect career. Beginning early will help teens maximize their opportunities in high school and make college a much better investment. However, if this hasn’t happened…
How to Help: Parents can help young adults get career savvy by providing career coaching services on how to get hired. Young adults can begin using networking (the #1 job search technique) by conducting informational interviews with family contacts or leaders in the industries that they are considering for themselves. There’s no need to wait until mid-life to learn how to build a satisfying future.

3. Kids Have Personal Problems
They don’t have effective life coping skills, have failed relationships, are grieving some other loss, or are wrestling with a challenging life event.  In “Failure to Launch,” we learn that Tripp’s parents indulged him largely because the woman he loved died and he hadn’t gotten over his loss. When Tripp falls in love with Paula, his self-sabotaging habit of dumping a girl before she can get too close gets reactivated. Finally, his friends intervene, and Tripp eventually faces his demons–and begins his adult life… How to Help: If your young adult is struggling emotionally, don’t make the mistake of thinking it will somehow magically get better without an intervention. Tough love requires that you insist your son or daughter get professional help from a therapist or pastoral counselor so that he or she can move forward. (If you don’t know how to have that kind of conversation, consider talking to a pastoral counselor yourself.)

4. Kids Have Mounting Debt
They’ve accumulated significant credit card debt, and moving back in with their parents is a way to pay it off.  According to the National Credit Card Research Foundation, 55% of students ages 16-22have at least one credit card. If your child falls into this group, make sure you monitor spending together online. Helping your child understand how to budget and manage credit cards will be important for handling a household budget in the future… How to Help: Kids can’t learn to manage money if they don’t have any, or if parents always pay for everything. If your offspring moves back home, I recommend you charge a nominal amount for room and board. As an adult member of your household, it’s important for your young adult to contribute to household chores and expenses. If the purpose of your child’s return home is to pay off bills or a college loan, have a realistic financial plan and stick to it to make sure your young adult moves in the direction of independence.

5. And finally… Determine goals and stick to them! 

Most parents enjoy having their children visit and will consider offering some short-term help. However, indulging an adult child’s inaction does not help a son or daughter “get launched.” If your child defaults on your agreement, you might renegotiate more realistic terms; if it happens again, insisting that your child vacate the premises–as hard as that is–will help him or her launch into responsible adulthood.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends.)

If you want to lose weight, then count calories. It’s not what you eat that matters but how much. So whether you eat two big meals a day or “graze” by eating five small meals isn’t important. The only thing that counts for weight loss is the total number of calories you have consumed by day’s end, according to British researchers. Under the study, each woman consumed either two large meals or five small meals on two separate days; both types of meals contained the same total daily calories. The researchers measured the calories burned, comparing each woman’s individual daily results. Both obese and lean women burned virtually the identical number of calories over a 24-hour period, regardless of which day was analyzed. The women who ate five meals on one test day and two regular meals on the other test day burned the same amount of calories both days. Piya says that despite the conventional wisdom that grazing revs up metabolism, it doesn’t appear to be the case. The takeaway: Eat what you want when you want, but pay attention to how much you eat if you want to lose weight.

When your dog happily wags his tail and sloppily licks your hand in greeting when you arrive home, he may do more than make you smile. He may also help you to live longer by improving your heart health, according to the American Heart Association, who has dubbed the effect “Rover Rx.” People who own dogs appear to have a lessened risk of developing cardiovascular disease. Why? Your dog will get you walking — even if you don’t want to. And walking reaps huge benefits, including lower blood pressure, increased mood-related brain chemicals, lower cholesterol, healthier weight and improved stress response. While it can’t be proven that owning a pet directly reduces heart disease risk, there does appear to be an association between the two. Dogs not only make you get out and walk no matter the weather, but also provide a loving presence that can lower stress and anxiety, assuage loneliness and increase your sense of well-being and self-esteem.

Once his little brother, Daxx, is old enough to understand, Jayden Fontenot, 10, will have an amazing story to tell him about saving his life on the day he was born. According to Today.com, Fontenot not only helped his mother, Ashly Moreau, deliver his baby brother on the bathroom floor of the family’s home in Sulphur, Louisiana, his swift actions to grab a nasal aspirator saved the boy’s life when the infant initially wasn’t breathing. http://on.today.com/2wqYFdk

Some people crumble under pressure. It’s safe to say that Bowling Green State University football student Jake Suder is not one of those people. According to Today.com, The junior was challenged by his coach to make a spontaneous 53-yard field goal … with a full scholarship on the line. Bowling Green spokesman Jason Knavel confirmed to Yahoo Sports that the challenge was, in fact, completely unplanned. Head coach Mike Jinks out of the blue told him, ‘Knock this one down for a full scholarship.’ It really was organic and out of the blue.” http://on.today.com/2v1xqTn

With summer temperatures soaring, you might be tempted to throw a few water bottles in your car for just in case. Well, don’t! Leaving plastic water bottles in your car is actually a major fire hazard. Remember when kids on the playground used to try to burn ants with a magnifying glass? The same thing happens with the water bottle. The sun’s rays focus on one point and if that spot gets hot enough, flames can occur.  http://www.womansworld.com/posts/why-leaving-a-water-bottle-in-the-car-is-dangerous-139783

When your home’s laundry day comes up again, keep in mind there are six common mistakes you could be making with your dryer:

Not preparing clothes for drying

Neglecting to sort

Not Using a lint brush to dislodge and remove lint that the screen may not have captured

Not paying attention to your dryer vent pipe

Not cleaning your lint screen and moisture sensors

Ignoring the area under and around the dryer.

Find out why each of these are important at http://wapo.st/2bakX6F

SOUL-GLO

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

And now, a totally unnecessary social tip from the boss’s office. When hosting a dinner party, don’t bother mentioning whether or not the cat’s litter box is dishwasher-safe.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

AUGUST 18, 2017…

Tulip Fever—The tulip flower may look like a small resident in your flower bed, but centuries ago, the tulip was a rare flower, indeed, and fortunes could be made on color, size and shape of blossom and the best place to buy and grow tulips. In this film, adapted from Deborah Moggach’s novel, a painter (Dane DeHaan from “Valerian and The City of a Thousand Planets”)  is commissioned to paint a portrait of the wife (Alicia Vikander) of a wealthy man (Christoph Waltz.) This is the Netherlands of the 17th century when the Tulip Market was at its peak. Love blooms (couldn’t resist that) between painter and the wife, but how to run away? Hmm, there are always those tulips to consider for wealth. This film has quite a cast, including Judi Dench, Matthew Morrison, Jack O’Connell and Zach Galifianakis. Would you believe, Danny Elfman does the soundtrack?  “Tulip Fever” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for history fans and gardening buffs.

Polaroid—This film is a supernatural thriller about a camera with a curse (this time is a Polaroid camera not a video). What comes next, an Instamatic thriller? When the camera is found, and a picture is taken, the person in the photo becomes a target. The stars include Kathryn Prescott, Katie Stevens  and Mitch Pileggi. “Polaroid” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Death Note—Here is another supernatural thriller (they all come in August now?) based on a manga story. It concerns someone who has the ability to write down a name and then something bad happens to that person. (Does this pertain to checks, also?) The stars of “Death Note” include Nat Wolff, Margaret Qualley and Willem Dafoe. “Death Note” is rated R. No rating.

Villa Capri—Tommy Lee Jones is the star here and it is an action/comedy about problems within the “organization.” Actress Glenne Headly (“Dirty Rotten Scoundrels”) is one of the stars and “Villa Capri” was her last film. Unfortunately, she passed away this year. Other stars include Morgan Freeman, Rene Russo and Elizabeth Ashley. “Villa Capri” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

AUGUST 25, 2017…

Leap! is an animated film (also titled “Ballerina”) about a little girl who wants to be a dancer. Voices of Elle Fanning, Dane DeHaan and Carly Rae Jepson.

Brigsby Bear concerns the end of a children’s TV show and how it affects one child. Stars Kyle Mooney.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.