February 28, 2018: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180228
PDF: 20180228

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)! You might enjoy what you are about to hear a lot more if you do so from a safe distance.

They should make No-Doze Coffee Creamer.

Nothing messes up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Wednesday.

If it first you don’t succeed, maybe you should do it the way I told you to in the beginning.

Dear Facebook: They are not “suggested friends”; they are “people I’m intentionally trying to avoid.”

Toilet paper and your smart phone have a lot in common – both are essential when going to the bathroom.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.” – John F. Kennedy

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. –2 Chronicles 7:14

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. — 1 Corinthians 13:6-7

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he? — Isaiah 2:22

Thought: How many times have you been disappointed by someone for whom you voted, betrayed by a friend, been abandoned by a loved one, or let down by a church leader? While we love others and care about them, every other person in our world is just like us — a flawed human being who breathes the same air and walks the same ground as we do. Only One is worthy of our ultimate trust. He showed us by sacrificing what was most precious to him so we could know his love. Let’s not put our hope in other mere mortals; only God can safeguard our trust. Let’s put our hope in him!

Prayer: Father, you know the broken places in my heart that were caused by the failure of people in my life. I confess that I have sometimes become disillusioned with your way because of the failures and inconsistencies in your people. Deep down I know, dear Father, that their failures do not mean your failure, but it is hard for it not to feel that way. Call me close to you. Give me a more gracious heart toward those who fail me. Establish my faith, strong and firm in you, O LORD. In you I put my trust. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Acts 2:28 NIV = You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence.’

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – FEBRUARY 28, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
299 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL TOOTH FAIRY DAY.

Today is GOD, YOU MAY BE A WINNER DAY. On this date in 1997, God was given a chance to win a sweepstakes. American Family Publishers’ Sweepstakes mailed a letter to the Bushnell Assembly of God in Florida, which read “God, you may already be a sweepstakes winner.”

Today is NATIONAL PUBLIC SLEEPING DAY. ***Join the professional sleepers – grab a shovel, find an orange barrel, and lean.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Pink Shirt Day
Floral Design Day
Inconvenience Yourself Day
National Tooth Fairy Day
Rare Disease Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, MARCH 01

Asiatic Fleet Memorial Day
Baby Sleep Day
Dadgum That’s Good Day
National Black Women in Jazz & The Arts Day
Endometriosis Day or Wear Yellow Day
National Horse Protection Day
National Peanut Lovers Day
Peace Corps Day
Pig Day
Plan a Solo Vacation Day
Purim
Refired, Not Retired Day
Saint David’s Day
Self-injury Awareness Day
World Book Day
World Compliment Day
Zero Discrimination Day

FRIDAY, MARCH 02

Dress in Blue Day
Dr. Seuss Day
Employee Appreciation Day
National Salesperson Day
National Speech and Debate Education Day
NEA’s Read Across America Day
World Day of Prayer

National Day of Action

SATURDAY, MARCH 03

I Want You To Be Happy Day
International Ear Care Day
Iditarod

National Frozen Food Day
National Mulled Wine Day
National Anthem Day
Pasty Day
Princess Day
Simplify Your Life Day
Sock Monkey Day
Soup It Forward Day
What If Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs? Day
World Birth Defects Day
World Wildlife Day

SUNDAY, MARCH 04

Academy Awards (Oscars)
*Benjamin Harrison Day
Courageous Follower Day
Daughters’ and Sons’ Day
Finisher’s Medal Day
Holy Experiment Day
Hug A G.I. Day
International Scrapbooking Industry Day
March Forth-Do Something Day
Marching Music Day
Namesake Day
National Grammar Day
Old Inauguration Day
Toy Soldier Day

MONDAY, MARCH 05

Casimir Pulaski Day
Fun Facts About Names Day
National Absinthe Day
National Poutine Day
Saint Piran’s Day
World Tennis Day

TUESDAY, MARCH 06

National Dress Day
Oreo Cookie Day
Peace Corps Day
Sofia Kovalevskaya Math Day

Unique Names Day

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 07

Cereal Day
National Be Heard Day
National Cereal Day

ON THIS DAY

1836: At the Alamo, Davy Crockett on fiddle and John McGregor on bagpipes tried to drown out the Mexican troops’ song of death.

1953: Scientists James Watson and Francis Crick discovered the structure of DNA, the molecule that contains the human genes.

1966: Liverpool’s Cavern Club, made famous by The Beatles, closed with debts of $17,000. The stage was sawed into small pieces and sold.

1977: Comedian Eddie Anderson died at age 71. He had appeared almost 20 years on radio and 15 years on television as Jack Benny’s personal valet, Rochester.

1983: The concluding episode of the long-running television series “M*A*S*H” drew what was then the largest TV audience in U.S. history. (audio clip)

1984: Michael Jackson won eight Grammy Awards and his first Pepsi commercial premiered.

1989: The world’s largest litter bin was placed in London’s Covent Gardens. The sponsor was Kentucky Fried Chicken.

1990: England’s richest man, the Duke of Westminster, pleaded guilty to speeding, was fined $200, and was banned from driving for two weeks.

1993: A gun battle erupted at a compound near Waco, Texas, when ATF agents tried to serve warrants on the Branch Davidians. Four federal agents and six Davidians were killed as a 51-day standoff began.

1996: Britain’s Princess Diana agreed to a divorce from Prince Charles, ending a marriage that began in 1981. She said it was “the saddest day of her life.”

2000: A woman in Mozambique gave birth to a baby girl in a treetop where she had living above raging flood waters for four days. An hour later, Sophia Pedro and her daughter were rescued after a medic swung down from a helicopter to cut the newborn’s umbilical cord. Floods had forced about 1 million people from their homes.

2003: The Food and Drug Administration announced the drug ephedra would soon bear warnings the popular herb could cause heart attacks or strokes and death.

2005: The animal welfare group Compassion in World Farming released results of a studies showing cows bear grudges, nurture friendships and become excited by intellectual challenges. The research found cows were capable of strong emotions like pain, fear and even anxiety about the future. But if farmers provide the right conditions, cows could also feel great happiness. The studies found similar traits in pigs, goats and chickens.

2007: Finally, 15-year-old Jennifer Mee of St. Petersburg, Florida, stopped hiccupping for the first time in more than a month. Jennifer’s hiccups began Jan. 23 during her first period science class, and did not stop until late on Feb 28. No one could explain or cure the problem. At times, she hiccuped as many as 50 times aminute.

2007: While washing potatoes from a bag purchased at a market near Naples, Italy, a 74-year-old woman discovered one of the potatoes was a U.S, made, world War II grenade. Police, who detonated the grenade, said it could have exploded if she had dumped it into the pot on the stove. Police said the grenade was covered with so much dirt potato pickers may not have noticed it.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

398: John Chrysostom, the greatest preacher of the early church, becomes bishop of Constantinople. So well-regarded was his preaching that he earned the name Chrysostom: “golden-mouth.” He was exiled in 403 for his outspoken criticism of his congregation, including Empress Eudoxia. After the church recalled him, he again offended Eudoxia, who exiled him again. He died three years later.

1857: American Congregational clergyman Charles Sheldon, author of more than 50 books and editor of the Christian Herald, is born in Wellsville, New York. His most famous work, In His Steps (1896), sold more than 23 million copies and spawned the recent “What Would Jesus Do?” phenomenon.

1784: Wesley signs the deed of declarations establishing the Methodist Conference. At first he had tried to work within the Church of England.

1877: Decree makes Chinese Christians equal to other citizens.

1909: Pastor Zamora announces the formation of La Iglesia Evangelica Metodista las Islas Filipinas, an independent national Filipino church which becomes very successful.

1958: Dave Wilkerson tries to speak to a judge in behalf of gang members and gets ridiculed. He went on to begin a work with New York gangs.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“Heroes”) Ali Larter, 42

  • actor (Oh Brother, Where Art Thou) John Turturro, 61

  • actress (“Saturday Night Live,” Pennies from Heaven, The Jerk) Bernadette Peters 70 (audio clip)

  • actor (Herb on “WKRP in Cincinnati”) Frank Bonner, 76

  • actor (Captain Merrill Stubing on “The Love Boat”) Gavin MacLeod, 87

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1904 : Jimmy Dorsey

1916 : Dinah Shore

1940 : Joe South

1940 : Gretchen Christopher (The Fleetwoods)

1942 : Brian Jones (Rolling Stones founding member)

1944 : Barbara Acklin

1957 : Cindy Wilson (The B-52’s)

1957 : Phillip Gould (Level 42)

1957 : Ian Stanley (Tears For Fears)

1969 : Pat Monahan (Train)

1976 : Ja Rule

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Is there really such a thing as being tone deaf?

It’s real. The aural equivalent of being color blind, tone deafness means that everything sounds as if it’s in a monotone. You can’t tell one note from another. You can’t appreciate your spouse singing in the shower, listen to the latest Christian CD, or tell the difference between TV commercial jingles. Hmmm… I guess it has at least ONE redeeming side-effect!

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A man in the UK was stunned after finding a shark in his garden when it fell from the sky. Colin Hill spotted the two-foot long catshark around lunchtime Thursday. He believes the shark was picked up by an over-ambitious seagull that dropped it mid-flight.  ***Either that, or the SyFy Channel is filming a movie in his neighborhood.

“Star Wars” star Mark Hamill has finally gotten his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  ***It took time, but they finally made room for him after someone realized he didn’t yet have a star… yet Shrek and The Rugrats do.  Seriously.  They do.  Look it up.

A United Airlines flight from New Jersey to Tampa was delayed after a passenger escaped the plane by opening the emergency exit door and jumping off using the inflatable slide! United Airlines Flight 1640 was parked at the gate at Newark Liberty International Airport when the passenger popped a chute and slid down. When officers arrived, the panicked passenger was yelling that he had mistakenly gotten on the wrong flight. The passenger, 25-year-old Troy Fattun, was placed under arrest and the flight was delayed for more than five hours.  ***But now he gets to tell everyone he got to slide down the airplane slide – something we’ve all wanted to do, c’mon… admit it.  Totally worth it.

Billy Graham will be buried in a coffin made by prisoners to reflect on his simple lifestyle. ***The man continues to be a shining example even in death.

Dunkin’ Donuts has announced three new coffee flavors inspired by popular Girl Scout cookies. The trio of new flavors includes Thin Mint, Coconut Caramel, and Peanut Butter Cookie. All three flavors will be available nationwide beginning Monday. ***This is great news.  Up to now I’ve been crumbling up Thin Mints into dust and sticking them in the coffee filter.

At an Italian fashion show over the weekend, instead of models carrying the new line of purses down the runway, Dolce and Gabbana had drones fly them by for all to see.  ***Critics still complained the drones looked too fat to be modeling.

Kosovo likes America. The country features an 11-foot statue of former President Clinton, a replica of the Statue of Liberty, and a man who named his favorite wolf after President Trump. In fact, this small, southeastern European nation of nearly 2 million largely ethnic Albanians has been named the most pro-America nation in the world. In the latest Gallup World Poll, Kosovo gave the current U.S. administration a 75 percent approval rating — the top score. This loyalty has its roots in the brutal 1998-1999 war with Serbia. The United States led NATO airstrikes that drove away Serbian strongman Slobodan Milosevic’s army.  ***What a bizarre world we live in.  Kosovo likes America more than America likes America.

The 90th Academy Awards are this Sunday, with Jimmy Kimmel hosting. ***So you can go ahead and assume there will be a lot of Republican backlash this coming Monday morning.

Well, that didn’t take long. Josh Duhamel has been seen out and about with actress Eiza Gonzalez, after his split with Fergie.  ***Any possibility of his wanting to get back with Fergie disappeared after her Star Spangled butchering.  Who wants to be around that kind of criticism?

China is taking steps to remove their president’s term limits so that when Xi Jinping’s second five-year term is over, he can stay as leader for life.  ***Heeeey… how about we do that here so we can keep Trump a while longer!  Who’s with me?  <Let the hateful comments begin…>

Spurs Head Coach Gregg Popavich called Fox News host Laura Ingraham’s ” shut up and dribble” comments about LeBron James “arrogant.” Popavich said that “to me, when I heard about it, it was an unbelievable show of arrogance for a talking head to try and tell someone else if they can speak, what they can speak about, when and where to do it.” ***Of course he did this while telling Laura Ingraham how to speak, what she can speak about, and when and where to do it.

The California Democratic party is NOT endorsing longtime Senator Diane Feinstein. But instead, is endorsing her progressive rival, state Senate leader Kevin de Leon.  ***Apparently the decent into financial abyss just wasn’t taking place fast enough for Californians.

Last Sunday, a Pennsylvania church held a blessing for AR-15s.  ***That’s a tough church.  I wonder if for communion they’ve traded in the unleavened bread and wine for spicy Doritos and whiskey shots.

President Trump is said to be pushing to have his longtime personal pilot, John Dunkin, to be named head the Federal Aviation Administration.  ***And then after that, the man who drives the garbage truck in his New York neighborhood will made Secretary of the Interior, and Dora the Explorer is being suggested for Secretary of Education.

A new study shows that just under 80% of all Americans own a smartphone.  ***Of those smartphone users, only 20% were smarter than the phone.

They had a very rare snowy day in Rome, causing schools to close and roads to shut down.  ***For comparison, it was like Dallas, Texas receiving a few flurries and the entire city shutting down in a panic thinking it was a snowpocalypse.

The American men’s team that upset Sweden in curling to win the gold medal were mistakenly given the women’s curling gold medal. ***Wow – even the Olympic medals are transgender now.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(PERENNIAL) A fear of being sued has led many cities to ban sledding. ***And lawyers won’t stop until all joy in life has been removed entirely.

(PERENNIAL) A report says UFO sightings are at an all-time high. ***But then, you see a lot of space-cases around Oscars time.

Chicago is known as “the windy city,” but its reputation is exaggerated. Among the 68 windiest cities in the U.S., it ranks only 21st. Cheyenne, Wyoming and Great Falls, Montana top the list. ***When it comes to hot wind, top of the list is Washington, D.C.

A study from the University of Buffalo in New York found that couples who smoke weed together have a significantly lower rate of fighting and domestic violence. And their main theory why is — drum roll, please — marijuana mellows you out and makes you happy. When people are happy, they don’t fight. ***Unless you’re having money problems and can’t afford weed… or you can’t afford bail money for the spouse that was just arrested for trying to buy weed… then maybe this whole marijuana thing could be an issue.

A new study shows that young people are becoming so reliant on electronic devices that they can no longer remember everyday details like their phone numbers.  ***Don’t worry, kids. The NSA’s got you covered.

Women wearing her man’s clothing can often be sexy. Like the button-down dress shirt she wears instead of a nightgown. Oh yeah. And now, supposedly, women are wearing men’s underwear. At department store Marks & Spencer, the barometer of underwear in the UK, women are now buying more men’s underwear than men, and while it can’t be confirmed how many girls are buying for their guys, they do know that a particular line of boxers is walking out the door and ending up on women. ***Word of caution – this does not work the other way around, boys.  Do not fit yourself for a sexy teddy.

New research says that doctors cut the umbilical cord too soon.  ***Finally – a problem that doesn’t apply to me.  My mom didn’t cut my umbilical cord until I got married and moved out of the house.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: Oooookay. Personally, I think the song stinks. I’d much rather hear some three-part harmony – I’m sure the Cheetah sisters would too. Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
A Valentine’s Day disappointment is today’s Moment of Duh!

An Oklahoma City woman was disappointed when, on Valentine’s Day, she did not receive a marriage proposal from her boyfriend. How disappointed was she? She stabbed her boyfriend below the ear; he was treated for a minor wound and released. ***MARLAR: I’m guessing she won’t be seeing a marriage proposal for Easter either.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN LEAST-AMAZING INVENTIONS

10. “High-Definition Pants”

9. “The Surface-to-Air Banjo”

8. “Tivo for Kitties”

7. “Exxon Mobil Low-Carb gasoline”

6. “Nose muffs”

5. “Shower head with built-in GPS”

4. “The Rusty Schick Quattro”

3. “Windex Glass Cleaner/Mouthwash”

2. “Walk-in iPod”

1. “Baby’s First Tanning Booth”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Two teenagers are caught with their pants down at a bank robbery!

FILE #1: A couple of young bank robbers were done in by, of all things, their pants! The two teenagers who robbed a bank in Bloomington, Illinois were unable to get away because they wore their pants too low and loose. Apparently, they had to keep stopping to pull up their pants and police ended up catching up with them.

FILE #2: A Dallas police officer got himself in trouble for eating on the job. Raymond Dethloff Jr. was suspended for eating a McDonald’s chicken sandwich he took from a crashed car at an accident scene. The 16-year-old girl to whom the sandwich belonged had been taken away in an ambulance with minor injuries.

FILE #3: Thieves broke into the home of Ivan and Oscar Lim and made off with a DVD player, video camera, movies and cash but they didn’t know that they were being watched by a webcam! The two Australian brothers set up a “wanted” Web site to display the photos in the hopes of catching the thieves. The brothers’ site contains information about the case, several photos of the alleged burglars and information on how to set up a webcam.

STRANGE LAW: In Maryland it is illegal to flip a coin to determine who buys coffee and who buys ice cream on Sunday.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Sadly, an Inverness, Florida, man didn’t operate his brain as fast as he did his car.

…23-year-old Jerry McKay was spotted zooming down a street at 71 mph. Needless to say driving like this tends to attract the attention of police. This is especially bad if you happen to be cooking meth in your car, which Jerry was doing at the time. In addition to drug charges, Jerry was also charged with driving with a suspended license and speeding.

PHONER PHUN

The other day my wife was going through the fridge and found a bottle of salad dressing that expired four years ago! What’s the oldest thing in your fridge or pantry?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who slept at David’s door while he was home on furlough?

ANSWER: Uriah (2 Samuel 11:9)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What percentage of Americans admit to “re-gifting”? 

ANSWER: Approximately 50%. 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Due to precipitation, for a few weeks, K2 is taller than Mt. Everest. (True)

2. A galactic year is 250 thousand Earth-years. (False – it’s 250 MILLION Earth-years. This is the time it takes for our solar system to make one revolution around the Milky Way Galaxy.)

3. Ferdinand Porsche, who later went on to build sports cars bearing his own name, also designed the original Volkswagen. (True – in 1936)

4. Amish people do not believe in the use of aerosal air fresheners. (True)

5. Water is American’s favorite beverage. (False – water ranks #2, and milk is #3. Soda is #1. The average American drinks about 52 gallons of soft drinks per year.)

6. Being unmarried can shorten a man’s life by ten years. (True)

7. DC-10, the name of an airplane stands for “Douglas Commercial.” (True)

8. Every U.S. bill regardless of denomination costs just 4 cents to make. (True)

9. Fires onland generally move faster downhill than uphill. (False)

10. If someone was to fly once around the surface of the moon, it would be equal to a round trip from New York to London. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

TITANIC _______ FOUND (VIOLIN)

The violin played by Wallace Hartley when his band defiantly played as the doomed Titanic sank – was recently found.

Tests have proven that the instrument band leader Wallace used when he and his seven fellow musicians drowned in the disaster over 100 years ago is authentic.

Author Steve Turner, who wrote a book about the Titanic band, said: “I was suspicious at first but when I looked closely I could only conclude that this was the real thing or the result of an extremely elaborate, and well informed, hoax. I am convinced it is genuine.

When Wallace’s body was found in the Atlantic, his violin was reportedly strapped to his chest. But its whereabouts have been a mystery ever since.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A burglar broke into a radio personality’s house and told the DJ, “One move and you’re dead. I’m looking for money.”

The DJ replied, “Hang on – I’ll get a light and help you look.”

JOKE #2

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped onhim. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on theground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed toget the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.“Was that all you wanted?” Tim replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in my shoe!”

JOKE #3

A math teacher was carrying a compass, protractor and calculator as he tried to board an airplane and set off the metal detector. He was immediately taken into custody. The guards explained, “We suspect he belongs to the Al-gebra group and he was carrying tools of math instruction.”

USELESS FACTS

Scientists in the Netherlands have found a way of training wasps to detect drugs and bombs. ***How’s that for giving new meaning to “sting operation”?

Someone who suffers from “anatidaephobia” believes that somewhere, somehow a duck or goose is constantly watching them. ***Wait… is it still a phobia if you know for positive that it’s true?

FEATURED FUNNIES

SINGING LESSONS

Jimmy: ‘Hey, Mike! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.

Mike: ‘To tell the truth, I’m really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
Jimmy: ‘What? Let me get this straight… You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?’
Mike: ‘Well, yeah. After all, you know, he’s a parrot fish.’
Jimmy: ‘Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.
Mike: ‘That’s what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he’s terribly off-key and it’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?’

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

SON’S REWARD

If you are a parent and are looking for a unique way to reward your son or daughter for being good – let me tell you what one father did that got him into a whole mess of trouble!

Barry Colvert really loves his son. In fact, he loves his son so much that he looks for ways to reward him. Not long ago, Barry noticed that his son ate everything on his plate, did all of his homework, and even cleaned his room without asking! So, as a reward, Barry let his son drive the car for a while with dad in the passenger seat. That’s a great father-son picture, isn’t it? Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you – it was at night. The headlights were still off. They ran a stop sign. They smashed into another car. And, oh yeah – Barry’s son is only seven years old. Police couldn’t believe what had happened, and when they questioned Barry, he insisted that it was that other car’s fault, not his. “I’m certainly not responsible,” he said. “I just had a few beers.” ***MARLAR: I have to agree with him on that. A story like this sure doesn’t happen with a responsible adult in charge.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

I AM THANKFUL FOR…

….the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
….the taxes I pay because it means I am employed.
….the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
….a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
….my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

….the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.
….all the complaining about our government because it means we have freedom of speech.
….my large heating bill because it means I am warm.
….the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.
….the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means  I am alive.
….the piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby.
….weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.
….and your friendship.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(audio clip) Shows like, “American Idol”, “America’s Got Talent” and “The Voice” draw millions to watch people trying to make it to the top.  Every week, it seems, a new entertainment awards show appears (albeit with the same old list of guests performing at each). Every sports season seems to have two parts: getting ready for the playoffs, then the race to the championship. Even political coverage always seems to center on who is winning, rather than more complex issues of government and policy.

Everybody loves a winner; we don’t even bother considering losers enough to hate them. The pressure to win pervades every aspect of our lives. So at this juncture, it might be wise to remember the ultimate champion, the one who exceeds even Don King-zone hype: Jesus Christ.

The church in Colosse needed a reminder. Its members faced false teaching about what was necessary for salvation. For some first-century losers, Christ alone did not seem enough. So before Paul began teaching the Colossians, he did a quick review session on the One whose name we carry as believers. Colossians 1:9-14 sets it up; the next 6 verses deliver the knockout punch.

The passage answers the question “Who’s No. 1?” with an undeniable choice: Christ Himself. Run down the list: He created all things, is before all things, holds all things together. . . . By the time you reach the end, Jesus has taken an insurmountable lead.

Our society will always worship its “winners,” and we can appreciate their accomplishments. But we should never lose sight of the ultimate champion: our Savior, Jesus Christ. When you’re obsessed with who’s winning and losing, reflect on the One who has won. Trust in Him.

One day every knee will bow, and everyone will agree that Christ is the undisputed winner. Why wait until then? Once we answer the “Who’s No. 1?” question, we have a good start at settling other issues.

LEFTOVERS

EYEBROW SOCKS

When do you wear socks on your head?  When you need… eyebrows…?

Down in Sheffield, Louisiana, 27-year-old Steve Simpson either has the funniest or cruelest friends of all time — we’re not sure which. Steve was about to be married when his buddies shaved off his eyebrows during his bachelor party the night before. But clever Steve got downright creative and picked off threads from his black socks and then glued them to his face. His bride Alison Ward had no idea what happened until she saw him at the church and noticed his eyebrows moved when he spoke. Allison said, “I could have killed him! He looked like Groucho Marx. But I see the funny side now.” You’ll be happy to know Steve’s eyebrows did grow back during the honeymoon.

LIFE… LIVE IT

WATER

Are you drinking enough water each day? You might be surprised what it could do for you.

  • 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated (this likely applies to half the world’s population).

  • In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.

  • Even MILD dehydration will slow down one’s metabolism by as much as 3%.

  • One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.

  • Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

  • Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

  • A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.

  • Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

***MARLAR: Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? I’m not. And none of this is probably going to change that.

JUST FOR FUN

BEARY STRANGE

Zoos in Japan really take things seriously… like training their staff in the unlikely event that a polar bear escapes – but how they train for this is a real bear in itself!

Want to go to one of the safest zoos in the world? Then you’ll likely have to travel to Japan. They are so safety-conscious at Tokyo’s Ueno Zoo that they actually hold drills to practice catching a polar bear on the off-chance that one escaped. The concern is that, if an earthquake were to happen, the walls of the polar bear pit would fall and the bears would escape. But how do you train for something like this? Easy; you get some guy to wear a bear suit, run around the zoo, and then chase him down. Oh yeah – and not only did they net the guy in the bear suit, but they tranquilized him too! ***MARLAR: How’s that for a career decision! “I’ve got 12 years of public school behind me, I’ve graduated with a bachelor’s degree in business, and now it’s time to go get a job where I can get shot at while wearing a bear suit!”

FUN LIST

NEED A CHEAP SECURITY SYSTEM? POST A NOTE!

Can’t afford a full-blown security system for your home? Then just stick a note on the door! If you don’t think that will work, well, it really depends on what you write on the note!

  • Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

  • Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. – Any sign of that book we sent for, “The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats”?

  • Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

  • To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck.

  • Selma, don’t come in! The boa constrictor got loose again.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

GAS PROBLEMS?

With gas prices to continue going up, it’s a good time for a few tips on how to get more miles per tank:

  • Use cruise control. This feature will boost gas mileage by about 15%.

  • Idle as little as possible. If you’re going to be stuck in one place for more than a couple of minutes, like a long drive through line, turn off your engine, it’ll save about 20% in fuel costs.

  • Don’t buy high-test. The notion that premium fuel improves mileage is a myth.

  • Chill first, drive second. Driving aggressively, with jack rabbit starts and slamming your foot on the brake to stop, wastes more gasoline than any other motoring flaw more than 30%, in fact.

  • Don’t sweat the AC. Word is that turning on the air conditioner is more fuel efficient than rolling down the windows. Truth is, it makes very little difference, so do what makes you comfy.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

To be interesting to others, be interested in them. You have just met a lovely stranger and you want to make a good impression. How should you handle your end of the conversation? You could describe your recent promotion, new car, or impressive friends. Or you might keep things light and balanced, asking questions like, “What do you do?” and replying in kind. Alternatively, you could ask many questions and spend more time responding to the other person’s answers than you do offering your own. Many people are reluctant to take the last approach, concerned that their questioning will come off as intrusive. But research on responsiveness which includes perceiving others’ feelings, respecting their points of view, and expressing care, suggested to Karen Huang and colleagues at Harvard University that asking more questions might actually improve perceptions of the asker. The advice is clear: Get your conversation partner talking, listen closely, and follow up. This person may not learn a lot about you, but could still like you more because you’ve met an emotional need to be heard and responded to. (Psychology Today)

If you always forget to reapply sunscreen, this patch could help. ‘My UV Patch’ is a waterproof skin patch that can be used with a smartphone app to detect UV levels and send reminders to reapply sunscreen. The app even lets you choose your skin type. https://twitter.com/mashable/status/919181500926398464/video/1

Science has finally proven what passionate poems, sappy songs and romantic novels have been telling us for ages true love exists and never dies. Psychologists scanned the brains of old married folks and discovered that many of the spouses’ minds lit up just like randy teenagers at the sight of their mates even after more than 20 years of wedded bliss. Lead researcher Arthur Aron says, “The findings go against the traditional view of romance that it drops off sharply in the first decade but we’re sure our results are real.”

A recent study looked at where people turn when making a difficult decision. ChristianToday.com reports that the study, conducted by ComRes, found that, when facing a difficult decision, the majority of people will consult friends and family (77 percent), over half will turn to the internet to search for answers (51 percent), six percent say they turn to prayer, and only four percent look to social media platforms such as Facebook and Twitter.  ***Glad to see that last one at only four percent – I really don’t need you coming to me asking for life advice.  http://dlvr.it/PtjDRr

Science has finally proven what passionate poems, sappy songs and romantic novels have been telling us for ages true love exists and never dies. Psychologists scanned the brains of old married folks and discovered that many of the spouses’ minds lit up just like randy teenagers at the sight of their mates even after more than 20 years of wedded bliss. Lead researcher Arthur Aron says, “The findings go against the traditional view of romance that it drops off sharply in the first decade but we’re sure our results are real.”

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Tess Aboughoushe was just leaving a chiropractor’s appointment last Wednesday when she suddenly found herself in the middle of what felt like a scene from a movie.  Aboughoushe had been returning to her office in downtown Edmonton when she heard a woman down the street yell that a man had stolen her wallet.  Sure enough, a man started running away from the scene of the crime – but not before Aboughoushe could take off after him.  After chasing him for two blocks, Aboughoushe rounded the corner into an alleyway and found that the burglar had stopped running and had started to cry instead.   “He came out from behind the dumpster and says, in a conciliatory way, ‘Here is the wallet, I can’t do this anymore, I’m sorry, just take it, take it,’” she told CBC Radio’s Edmonton AM.  “So I took the wallet, and the woman caught up soon after. I gave it back to her and he stayed there, apologizing a lot.”  Recognizing that the man was distressed, Aboughoushe took him to a café down the street and bought him a large black coffee.  The man explained that he had come to the city with his friend from Calgary, but they had ditched him in Edmonton without any money.  Aboughoushe did her best to console the man before showing him how to get to the public library where he could seek help from the social workers on staff. She says that she hopes that the man gets the help that he needs, and she has no regrets over her actions from that day.  “You kill more flies with honey than you do with vinegar,” she said. “I wanted to show him some compassion.”  (Good News Network)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

January Neatherlin has pleaded guilty to abandoning children at her illegal day care center in Bend to visit a tanning salon. As part of her plea agreement, other charges were dropped. She had been facing 122 charges of first-degree criminal mischief, first-degree criminal mistreatment and recklessly endangering another person. This is far more serious than you may think and the Deschutes County District Attorney’s office is recommending a 35-year prison sentence!! Neatherlin will be sentenced in March. Her guilty plea comes after a day-long settlement conference. A four-week trial in April has been canceled. Neatherlin, 32, was arrested March 15 after police found seven children younger than 5 drugged and unattended at her Little Giggles Daycare in Bend while she was at a tanning salon. Seven of the criminal mistreatment charges relate to the children found in March. The other four criminal mistreatment charges are from previous incidents with children in Neatherlin’s care in 2013, 2015 and 2016. She has been in Deschutes County Jail almost a year since her arrest in March. While in custody, she allegedly tried to convince three inmates to confess to her crimes, offering one $50,000, according to court documents. (Oregon Live)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“The people who oppose your ideas the most are those who represent the establishment that your ideas will upset.” –Anthony J. D’Angelo, The College Blue Book

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


FEBRUARY 23, 2018…

Annihilation has Natalie Portman in a science fiction film about discovering new life forms.

Every Day is a drama/romance about falling in love with someone who changes bodies every day. Stars Maria Bello.

Game Night with Jason Bateman and a group who meet weekly for games.

War With Grandpa is now opening with Robert De Niro trying to live peacefully with his grandson. It is a comedy.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.