July 05, 2017: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170705
PDF: 20170705

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Hello again, and welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW), the only radio show that actually cleans your radio while you listen. Parts and service not included.

I may not have blown off one of my fingers yesterday, but don’t let that fool you… I still love America.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? –Matthew 16:26

Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done and proclaim that his name is exalted. —Isaiah 12:4 (NIV)

Correct me, LORD, but only with justice — not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing. — Jeremiah 10:24

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.” — Matthew 6:1

Thought: Compassion is not for personal glory, just as it is not a private internal emotion. Christian compassion must always motivate us to act in the best interest and for the greater good of those in need, without calling attention to ourselves or our sacrifices. God provides what we need to bless others and takes care of the reward when our goal is to please him and to be used by him to bless others who are in need.

Prayer: Loving God and tender Shepherd, use me each day to be a blessing to someone in need. Please open my eyes and ears to see those around me who need emotional support or financial help. Please give me the courage to bless them and lead them closer to you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Genesis 7:5 NIV = And Noah did all that the LORD commanded him.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – JULY 05, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
173 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is LEFTOVER BURPING DAY, a day for those who ate too much barbecue and potato salad on the 4th to try to regain some semblance of belly control. ***I gain belly control with a full-body girdle. It works wonders.

Today is NATIONAL APPLE TURNOVER DAY. ***Okay, so it’s stem down. What do I do now?

Today is WORK WITHOUT YOUR HANDS DAY. ***Good timing, seeing as you might’ve blown your fingers off yesterday celebrating Independence Day.

Today is INDEPENDENCE DAY IN ALGERIA AND VENEZUELA. ***I wonder if they celebrate by blowing off their fingers too?

TODAY IS ALSO…

Bikini Day
Work Without Your Hands Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, JULY 06

Fried Chicken Day
International Kissing Day or World Kiss Day
Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day

FRIDAY, JULY 07

Chocolate Day
Father-Daughter Take A Walk Together Day
Global Forgiveness Day
Taos Pueblo Pow Wow
Tell The Truth Day
Victims of The Dallas, Texas Attack Day
Wayne Chicken Day

SATURDAY, JULY 08

Bald Is In
Body Painting Day
Carver Day
Coca Cola Day
Grange Day
Math 2.0 Day
SCUD Day

SUNDAY, JULY 09

NONE TODAY

MONDAY, JULY 10

Don’t Step On A Bee Day
International Town Criers Day
Piña Colada Day
Teddy Bears’ Picnic Day

TUESDAY, JULY 11

Bowdler’s Day
Cheer Up The Lonely Day
Day of The Five Billion
National Rainier Cherries Day
Slurpee Day or 7-11’s Birthday
World Population Day
Chick-fil-A’s Cow Appreciation Day

WEDNESDAY, JULY 12

Night of Nights
Simplicity Day

ON THIS DAY

1942: Though his family had produced 30-million automobiles, Edsel Ford of Detroit was not allowed to obtain a new car because of strict wartime rationing. ***What’s the point of being rich if you can’t buy off those in power to get special privileges? Bummer.

1946: Four days after the U.S. dropped an atomic bomb on Bikini Atoll, designer Louis Reard introduced a new 2-piece woman’s swimsuit at a fashion show in Paris. He proclaimed the suit the “ultimate” concept and called it the bikini. ***And unlike Bikini Atoll, this bikini did not bomb.

1947: Larry Doby signed a contract with baseball’s Cleveland Indians, becoming the first black player in the American League.

1948: My Favorite Husband starring Lucille Ball debuted on CBS Radio. Lee Bowman co-starred with Lucy as “two people who live together and like it.”

1954: Elvis Presley recorded for the first time in Memphis with guitarist Scotty Moore and bass slapper Bill Black. The result was Sun record #209, “That’s All Right, Mama” and “Blue Moon of Kentucky.”

1975: Arthur Ashe defeated Jimmy Connors to become the first black men’s singles champion at Wimbledon.

1980: Tom Shufflebotham charmed 511 worms out of the ground in 30 minutes at the World Worm Charming Championships in Willaston, England. Worm charmers ply their talent by shaking the ground (digging?) with various garden tools. Water may not be used. ***Ladies, on the other hand, don’t really consider Tom that much of a charmer… probably because he uses the same methods on them.

1985: The New York Mets scored five runs in the 19th inning to beat the Braves 16-13 in Atlanta. Game totals: 46 hits, 29 runs, and two rain delays in 6 hours and 10 minutes. Fourth of July fireworks followed the game at 4:00 a.m.

1989: The pilot episode of ”Seinfeld” premiered. NBC originally called the show “The Seinfeld Chronicles.” (audio clip)

1991: After three years of restoration, a new law was imposed on the opening of the Trevi Fountain in Rome, banning the throwing of coins into the fountain.

1993: Dave Lampson of Centreville, Virginia, received a tax statement from IRS claiming he owed $68-billion! He was to pay $500 a month for 11-million years. An IRS official said it was a computer error.

2002: Baseball’s Ted Williams — The Kid, Splendid Splinter, Teddy Ballgame, and The Thumper — died at age 83. He was likely the greatest hitter in baseball.

2003: An Estonian couple won the Wife-Carrying World Championship in Sonkajarvi, Finland, for the third straight year. Leaping timbers and wading through waist-high water, Egle Soll carried Margo Uusorg over the 760-foot course in just over a minute. Estonian couples have won the race every year since 1998 when they introduced a new style of carrying their partners upside down over their backs.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1439: At the Council of Florence, the Decree of Union (‘Laententur Coeli’) was signed, creating an official theological union between the Eastern (Orthodox) and Western (Catholic) churches. Unfortunately, the Eastern Church at large never accepted the document and a full working unity between these two major churches.

 

1768: English founder of Methodism John Wesley wrote in a letter: “We are reasonable creatures, and undoubtedly reason is the candle of the Lord. By enlightening our reason to see the meaning of the Scriptures, the Holy Spirit makes our way plain before us.”

 

1865: William Booth founds The Christian Mission to work among London’s poor and unchurched. Later, he changed the mission’s name to the Salvation Army.

1903: Death of English theologian William Burt Pope, 81. His Compendium of Christian Theology (1875-76) set forth the most powerful systematic arguments of his day for the holiness doctrine in Methodism.

 

1962: Death of Helmut Richard Niebuhr, 67. Christian Ethics professor at Yale for 30years, Niebuhr is better remembered for his popular and oft-reprinted 1951 classic, Christand Culture — a work that explores available options of relating one’s personal faith to the world’s highest and noblest principles.

 

1963: In an instruction given by the Holy Office, disposal of the dead by cremation was officially granted sanction by the Catholic Church. (Belief in the resurrection of the dead had previously made cremation repugnant to many Christians.)

1985: Bob Chappel of Wycliffe Bible Translators is murdered by ambushers who open fire on his van near Lea, Papua.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

actress (“Nurse Jackie”, “Sopranos”, “Oz”) Edie Falco 54 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1912 : Mack David

1913 : Smiley Lewis

1938 : “Snuff” Garrett

1941 : Terry Cashman (Cashman & West, The Buchanan Brothers)

1943 : Robbie Robertson (The Band)

1950 : Huey Lewis; Born Hugh Anthony Cregg III on Jul. 5, 1950 in New York City, New York.
Singer/songwriter /harmonicist/actor. Formed the News in San Francisco, California. Huey Lewis and the News SongFacts

1950 : Michael Monarch (Steppenwolf)

1959 : Marc Cohn

1973 : Bengt Lagerberg (The Cardigans)

1980 : Jason Wade (Lifehouse)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

How come we have those two little ridges in the middle of our upper lip?

The ridges are as plain as the nose on your face, under which they sit, occupying some pretty important facial real estate. But what have they done for you lately? The ridges are the medial band and the lateral band and the valley between them is known as the philtrum, Greek for “love charm.” The Greeks thought the upper lip, if turned on end, looked like Cupid’s bow. Anyway, enough kissy, kissy. The ridges that create the philtrum are there to protect several delicate bones that come together right beneath them, one of which is the bone that holds your nostrils apart. That’s pretty darned important. Were your two nostrils to collapse into one big hole, who knows? The next time you sneezed, you might blow your brains out.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

An R2-D2 unit sold at an auction on Wednesday for $2.76 million. The 43-inch tall unit, which was made from parts used on screen throughout the original trilogy, was the most expensive piece of memorabilia at the auction. There is no information on who purchased the item.  ***But witness said he won the auction by telling all the other bidders “This is not the droid you’re looking for.”

Sorry to break it to you, but you’ll be doing all of us a big favor if you just keep you vacation photos off Facebook this summer – because we don’t care.  Nobody does.  No pre-night out selfies, no pictures of cocktails and definitely no sappy posts referring to your travel companion as “this one.” In fact, in a new study by Aviva, 73% of people said they hate seeing other people’s vacation pics online. And the most unpopular pose of all is taking a picture of your legs on the beach and asking “hot dogs or legs?” Nevertheless, the research also found that 77% of us will post vacation pics on Facebook anyway. Of those who do, one in five admit they do it to show off where they are and one in ten admit they do it just to make others jealous back home. ***In other words – people who post vacation photos are not your friends!

At one of her concerts last week, Adele broke her own personal records by dropping a total of 44 F-bombs.  ***It’s good to have goals in life.

Just six months after leaving FOX News, Greta Van Susteren has suddenly announced she’s leaving MSNBC.  ***Turns out she likes reporting to actual viewers after all

57-year-old Alfred Zoppelt has been working at the famous Belvedere Museum, a castle in Vienna that houses a major art collection, for the last 23 years. However Mr. Zoppelt was abruptly fired after they found out it had one very bad habit — namely, regularly washing his hands and face with his own urine! Surprised, Zoppelt said his adherence to “urine therapy” was previously “never a problem.” But his notice from Belvedere says he was fired because “you regularly rub urine into your skin, particularly the face and hands. With this, you soil your place of work and threaten the health of your co-workers.” Believers in urine therapy claim all kinds of medical and cosmetic benefits but those have not been proven. ***Plus… EWWWW!!!

In Gainesville, Florida, a 36-year-old woman managed to lose three fingers after she tried to wake up her boyfriend with fireworks. Yes, fireworks! The woman and her boyfriend told police they had been drinking before the incident at their apartment. The woman said she was holding a fireworks novelty item in her hand when she lit the fuse. She had been planning to toss the device out the front door, thinking it would make enough noise to wake her boyfriend. Instead, the device exploded in her hand, tearing off her thumb, middle and ring fingers. Ouch! The blast was so powerful that police said they found one bone remnant embedded in the ceiling. ***Next time, you might want to try an alarm clock.

Illinois, Connecticut and New Jersey are all having some serious financial troubles. For now, Illinois has suspended their state lottery.  ***How irresponsible do you have to be as a state to lose money with the lottery?  People are giving you money, and you only reward a small portion of it to the winners – how are you losing money on that?

A Georgia woman is suing Emory University Hospital after she underwent surgery and later discovered doctors had accidentally left a camera inside of her.  ***Now those are some leaked photos NOBODY wants to see!

Police in Fremont, California, are on the hunt for a man who broke into a cell phone repair store. The robbery must’ve been spur-of-the-moment: security video show the man robbing the store with a shirt wrapped around his face and socks on his hands. ***Yeah, that sounds stupid – but catch the beginning of the story again – police are “on the hunt for a man” meaning they’ve not yet caught this guy.

Someone is buying Staples for $6.9 billion.  ***Wow – how much do you think they had to pay for the stapler?

In Brookfield, Wisconsin, a 26-year-old man’s pizza order went awry when he mistakenly submitted an online order for carryout rather than delivery. He realized the mistake about an hour later and called Toppers Pizza to have it delivered. But he flew into a rage when his food arrived cold, and after airing his grievances in a phone call, he actually drove down to the store and began hurling the pizza, breadsticks and a few obscenities at Toppers employees. He later admitted to police that he threw the food, and added that he “made a mistake and didn’t want to hurt anybody.”  ***Hey, if you’d driven to the store in the first place you’d have hot pizza and breadsticks!

The body of a woman was found in an Oklahoma Wal-Mart. The door had been locked for days and everyone just assumed it was out of order.  ***I can understand the shoppers thinking that –but what about the Wal-Mart employees?  Are you telling me nobody ever checks or cleans the restrooms in a Wal-Mart?

A proposed bill in the Philippines would send people to jail for not singing along enthusiastically with the national anthem. ***So I guess we know where Colin Kapernick will NOT be spending his vacation time.

It would appear the less desirable elements of society simply have no appreciation for the finer points of culture — in particular, classical music. In Columbus, Ohio, shoppers and employees of the United Dairy Farmers convenience store say they have considerably fewer people hanging around, hassling and panhandling from customers since the business started blaring classical music. Shopper Allie Beck says the classical music is so loud she can hear it all the way down the street. But she says it is an improvement over all the people who used to ask for change or bother passers-by outside the store.  ***Instead of beggars asking for money to buy a fifth, you’re now treated to Beethoven’s Fifth!

Rob Lowe admitted recently in an interview that he once saw an actual bigfoot. ***Then again, he’s an actor – so he lies for a living… and he has a new paranormal show coming soon.  So you might want to take that with a grain of salt.

Disneyworld’s Hall of Presidents, which has been closed since January in order to add a new President Trump robot, has reportedly pushed its reopening to the fall.  ***They’re having problems with the new Trump robot because it keeps pausing its speaking to tweet.

Michelle Rodriguez has appeared in five of the eight “The Fate of the Furious” films, but says she could be done with the franchise if changes are not made. She wants bigger roles for women. ***Translation – she wants bigger roles for Michelle Rodriguez.

It’s been five years since the finale. Now it appears that a “Jersey Shore” reunion is in the works. ***Followed shortly thereafter by the moon turning red, and the waters turning to blood.

Pandora is shutting down in Australia.  ***But then, Men At Work haven’t come out with a new album in decades, so it’s no great loss.

Homeless shelters in Chicago will start serving Starbucks coffee with meals.  ***So now the homeless drink better coffee than you do – and they don’t have to pay for it!

 A jewelry store thief in India picked the wrong target. His demand to hand over a display case of diamonds was met with the gun of the shop’s owner. And since the shops owner is also a police captain, the robber was immediately placed under arrest. ***He even patrols the streets in India?  Wow – Officer Karma really gets around!

The family of a pair of miniature schnauzers were distraught when the dogs disappeared in thick fog while on a walk. They thought they would never see Charlie and Theo again. Their owners launched a rescue operation and more than 120 people showed up to help find Charlie and Theo. After 96 hours of searching, as a last resort the family decided to cook sausages at the spot where the dogs were last seen. A short time later Charlie and Theo appeared.  ***I’m happy for the family, but how on earth do you get 120 people to search for just two dogs?  You can’t get that many to search for a missing child in the forest but you can for a couple of schnauzers?!?!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The Czech Republic’s Prague Zoo has come up with a new use for elephant dung: making paper. The zoo has joined forces with a hand paper mill to process the manure to be used in traditional paper-making techniques. The director for the paper mills says the 420-year-old mill has made paper from all sorts of materials but elephant dung “is something new for us.”  ***Elephant dung paper – perfect for gossip rags and Washington D.C politicians.

Computers may be necessities, but they’re not exactly beloved. In an online survey by the University of Maryland, 20 percent of respondents said they’d gotten so angry at a computer that they’d “crashed” it by throwing it to the floor. Others admitted cursing, smashing and microwaving their computers. One man said he’d thrown his laptop in a deep fryer, and three men had shot their computers. ***You have to expect a little attitude from your computer when you keep calling it “Mac.”

What freaks you out? Snakes? Clowns? Spiders? Whatever it is, just admit it freaks you out.  Research (University of California, Los Angeles) discovered that trying to talk yourself out of the fear doesn’t help you get over the fear.  ***Unless all you have to fear is fear itself… at which point you’re screwed.

Leave it to Spanish researchers to discover that caffeine and glucose — found in those longtime office favorites, coffee and doughnuts — actually make you smarter.  Researchers at the University of Barcelona discovered that the caffeine-glucose combo boosts your brain in terms of attention and memory.  ***No wonder cops are so smart… they LIVE on coffee and doughnuts.

If you’re looking to stash some cash at home, you don’t want to hide it somewhere obvious — like under a mattress or in your dresser drawer. You want to put it someplace that no sticky-fingered person would think to look.   AOL asked its readers where they squirrel away their secret cash:  In the Tampon Box, In a Bra, In a Toilet Paper Roll,  In a Fake Drain, In the Hamper, in an old purse, In a Fake Plant, In a Can,  In their Tax Files, Inside a Picture Frame, In a Vacuum,  In Between Cement Bags, In an Old Winter Coat,  Inside a Wooden Door,  Inside Curtain Rods, even Under the Litter Box.  ***Of course, now we know to look in those places too, so you’ll need to be more creative now.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were selling all of their possessions and packing up to move out of the jungle as fast as possible because they were all terrified of a giant, disgusting, loud, smelly, awful giant-footed monster! But just before everyone moved, Sully the Aardvark thought about something…

CLOSE: Oh great… so maybe the monster IS real! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Sometimes actors and actresses get pretty cocky and full of themselves when it comes to landing a role they really want. But be careful if you don’t cast them in the part they desire – they might explode!

An actress in the United Kingdom is upset that a leading opera company did not cast her in the role of the ”blushing teenage daughter,” (a virgin who is afraid of men) in Gilbert and Sullivan’s musical, ‘the Pirates of Penzance’. She’s so upset that she’s suing. But the opera company is sticking to their guns. They feel they made the right decision on this one. So why didn’t they cast her as the virgin? Easy… they’d didn’t think she’d be very convincing in the part – considering she’s six months pregnant.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS IT IS WAY TOO HOT

10. Baked Alaska is being used in reference to the entire state, not just the name for a delightful dessert.

9. The pizza you ordered is actually the same temperature that it came out of the oven when the delivery guy FINALLY gets it to your door.

8. The water in your swimming pool can be used to cook vegetables.

7. Your wife finally gives up her flannel footie pajamas.

6. You can cook a full meal in your crock pot without ever plugging it in.

5. Your church budget committee finally authorizes turning on the air conditioning in the sanctuary.

4. Al Gore takes credit for inventing air conditioning.

3. Your kids are toasting marshmallows — by sticking them out the window.

2. Water comes out of the “cold” faucet at the same temperature as the “hot” faucet.

1. “Ice Cube” forced to change his name to “Wet Spot.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The ice cream man is arrested!

FILE #1: Demetrius Woods seemed to have a thriving business going selling ice cream out of his little truck. That was until police noticed that all of his customers were adults and some of them were buying ice cream at very strange hours. So they decided to check in on Mr. Ice Cream Man. And in his freezer they found not Drumsticks and Popsicles but six large bags of marijuana. He’s keeping cool in jail now.

FILE #2: A gang of armed robbers has been arrested by police after their latest victim spotted them sipping drinks near the mobile phone shop they had just raided. The shop’s owner was going to make a police report when he saw the thieves’ car at a roadside drink stand. So he called police who surrounded the four robbers and arrested them without any trouble.

FILE #3: James Jacobs of Miami, was taken to the police station for a Breathalyzer test. After he spent too much time in the men’s room, police checked on Jacobs and found him lying unconscious on the bathroom floor with blue foam oozing from his mouth. Apparently, Jacobs had stuck a blue toilet bowl-cleaning disk into his mouth, hoping the smell would cover his alcohol breath. ***Now that’s what I call a potty-mouth!

STRANGE LAW: Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend, Indiana.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Buying up newspapers to keep people from reading them doesn’t mean that the news inside the paper won’t get read anyway.

Jack William Pacheco has more copies of this week’s edition of The Chowchilla News than he’ll ever need. The Chowchilla, California, resident went around town Wednesday morning, buying every copy he could in an attempt to prevent word from getting out about his arrest for alleged methamphetamine possession. The story of his arrest was on the front page. Pacheco estimated that he bought 500 to 600 copies of The Chowchilla News from the newspaper’s office, gas stations, convenience stores and a coin-operated news rack. But 500 more copies were printed the next day.

PHONER PHUN

(Buuuuuuuuuuuuurp.) What did you eat too much of yesterday?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who slept at Bethel and dreamed about angels?

ANSWER: Jacob (Genesis 28:11-15)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: It covers 50 percent of the earth. What is it?

ANSWER: The Pacific Ocean

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. 96% of people put the peanut butter on first when making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (True)

2. California consumes more tofu than any other product. (False – bottled water)

3. California has issued 6 drivers licenses to people named “Jesus Christ.” (True)

4. The world’s shortest river is the “D” river in Delaware. (False – Oregon. It’s only 120 feet long. It connects Devil’s lake to the nearby Pacific Ocean.)

5. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. (True)

6. Arizona is the driest state in the U.S.. (False – Nevada. Each year it averages 7.5 inches of rain.)

7. In Utah, it is illegal to swear in front of a dead person. (True)

8. Salt Lake City, Utah has a law against carrying an unwrapped ukulele on the street. (True. ***MARLAR: Perhaps they are afraid someone might play it?)

9. Arizona was the last of the 48 adjoining continental states to enter the Union. (True)

10. It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Nevada. (False – Arizona)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ SKULL FOUND! (BIGFOOT)

A scientist in Idaho found a fossilized Bigfoot skull.

Ralph Barnkopf came by the West Coast offices of WWN and showed us a Bigfoot skull he found in the woods outside Boise.

“It’s a Bigfoot skull, for sure.  I’d bet my life on it,”  Ralph told WWN.

We contacted a number of Bigfoot experts.   Dr. Lee Blanton of Alberta, Canada confirmed that the Barnkopf skull was, indeed, a Bigfoot skull.

“I was looking for some fossils,” the 69-year-old “semi-retired” anthropologist told WWN, “and I was kind of drawn to something in the ground.”

It was a rock, sticking up out of the dirt.

“So I went and dug it out, and you couldn’t tell what it was ’cause the head was face down; all you could see was the back of it,” he said. “But when I dug it out you could see the face, perfect.”

The skull tips the scales at 70 pounds and is the first Bigfoot skull found in modern times.

“I’ve been tracking and watching for Bigfoot,” Barnkopf said. “I’m very curious, interested in that, and wanted to get footage on it ’cause I’ve ran across him a couple of times.”

“I think people need to be more aware, open their eyes and be more aware of what’s around us,” he said. “Because I think there’s a lot of ancient (things), and fossils and different things, around us that if people would just kind of open their eyes to they’d see that we walk past them every day.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question
until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?”
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf goober!”

JOKE #2

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this, let’s say we have a man making contest.”

To which the scientist replied, “OK, great!”

But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”

JOKE #3

An elderly woman walked into a country church. An usher greeted her at the door and asked, “Where would you like to sit?”

“The front row, please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “This minister is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No,” he said.

“I’m the minister’s mother,” she replied.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“No,” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

USELESS FACTS

In Cyprus, a 2,500 year old coffin was found with painted scenes from Homer’s epics.  ***Homer?  Wow… The Simpsons really HAVE been around for a long time!

Builders us a measurement called R-value. It’s the amount of resistance to heat offered by a material and is useful in calculating its value as insulation. For example, wood siding has an R-value of 0.8. ***The movie industry uses a similar measurement, but in their case, it signifies how much heat the product is likely to generate.

FEATURED FUNNIES

SUMMERTIME CAMPFIRE

Now that summer is here, camping will be a favorite past-time for many of you.  For the neophytes, to start a good campfire just follow these simple directions…

  • Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

  • Bandage left thumb.

  • Chop other fragments into smaller pieces.

  • Bandage left foot.

  • Make pile structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)

  • Light match.

  • Try to light match again.  Match may be damp.

  • Repeat (without swearing) “A scout is cheerful” and light match.

  • Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and putting your face close, blow gently into base of fire.

  • Apply burn ointment to nose.

  • When fire is burning, collect more wood.

  • Upon discovering that fire has gone out while searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled “kerosene.”

  • Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

  • Re-label can to read “gasoline.”

  • When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

  • When thunderstorm has passed, repeat steps above.

  • Maybe cheat by adding crumpled newspaper.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

HIGHER EDUCATION

Imagine being paid to attend sporting events at your college! One school in Missouri did exactly that!
No word on whether they are still doing this or not, but in 2000, students at William Woods University could not only get scholarships for playing football, but could also get money for just watching football. The school in Fulton, Missouri, was concerned about their students’ lack school spirit, so they offered financial incentives for students to participate in school functions. Students who had contracted to attend school functions, received up to $5,000 a year in tuition breaks. Under the program students earned spirit points for attending sporting events, taking in an art exhibit, or even serving on student government. According to the dean of admissions at William Woods University, the program was in response to rising student apathy. ***MARLAR: They’re so excited they even changed the school cheers to, “We got
money, yes we do. We got cash, how ‘bout you?”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

TEN THINGS GOD CAN’T DO

by Maise Sparks

10. God can’t get tired.

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary.-Isaiah 40:28

9. God can’t take on a job he can’t handle.

Ah, Lord God! Behold, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for you.-Jeremiah 32:17

8. God can’t be unholy.

And one cried to another and said: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!”-Isaiah 6:3

7. God can’t be prejudiced.

In truth I perceive that God shows no partiality. But in every nation whoever fears him and works righteousness is accepted by him.-Acts 10:34-35

6. God can’t break a promise.

My covenant I will not break, nor alter the word that has gone out of my lips. -Psalm 89:34

5. God can’t remember sins he’s chosen to forget.

I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake; and I will not remember your sins.-Isaiah 43:25

4. God can’t make a loser.

Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ. -2 Corinthians 2:14

3. God can’t abandon you.

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, he is the one who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. -Deuteronomy 31:6

2. God can’t stop thinking about you.

How precious also are your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with you.-Psalm 139:17-18

1. God can’t stop loving you.

Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.-Jeremiah 31:3

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

HANDYMAN

On my workbench, I have 3 friends, well 4 to be exact: WD-40, Liquid Wrench, Butane Quick Start and Carburetor Cleaner. And I am a “hands-on” kind of guy. For example, I hate these idiot lights on dashboards that only light up when there is trouble. I love it when the lawn mower starts at the first half-pull and jumper/booster cables are not necessary. The wheels of our push lawn mower gave out, so I substituted them with baby carriage wheels. It bothers me when my oldest daughter says, “Daddy can’t fix it no more.” Immediately, the looks of everyone says it all, “What happened?”
But it does happen that motors fail. A friend borrowed our car this past spring and the engine quit. The idiot light failed to go on at the right time. I turned the radiator cap and smelled, not anti-freeze but gasoline. Yes, the motor had overheated and had to be replaced. Recently, an expensive electric motor to the tune of $500 gave out. Adding to my woes, our 15-year-old lawn mower’s belt and magnito switch were replaced but as I tried starting the machine, nothing happened. Indeed, something was wrong with our lawn mower–it was toast.
Girls may call it a bad hair day. The practical say, “That’s life, buddy.” D.L. Stewart writes in Wayne Rice’s booklet, Understanding Your Teenager, “As a man and father, our children look at us as strong, confident, never feeling pain or fear. There wasn’t a leaky faucet he couldn’t fix or an engine that he couldn’t get running again.
Mechanics never fooled him, salesmen never conned him. He was always calm in emergencies, always cool under fire. He never cried. But why do the faucets now drip twice as fast? Why do engines that sputtered before we started working on them go stone-dead under our wrench?”
Men are not always what we make ourselves out to be. Mothers tend to be honest, cry, are close to the surface, do not pretend. But the male species has to know exactly where we are going, where the fuses are, why the sump pump doesn’t work, when brake shoes need to be replaced and be able to repair the flat tire. But somehow,
this father, like many others, is scared, foolishly weak, and at times, just wants to put his head under the pillow and cry. Perhaps one day I will tell my daughter this, on Father’s Day or a birthday.
In the meantime, this father, this man, takes ample comfort in a few verses from Colossians 1. Verse 17 says, “God is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” So I will take comfort that He is there, and everything will work out under His plans, His timing, His schedule. For me this is why being a Christian gives me so much more assurance that I may be foolishly weak but my Father is in control. I may hide my head under the pillow but there is a rainbow of promise on the distant horizon; He doesn’t mind my tears of frustration. My four friends on my workbench may run dry but He will never run out on me.

LEFTOVERS

BELT SOMEONE TODAY

The latest fashion trend with teens in Norway? Wearing airline equipment!
Teenagers in Norway are stealing airplane seat belts to keep up their baggy pants. Thieves are able to uncouple the two-part belts from the seats without tools, join the two parts together at the back and then use them as belts for their pants. Braathens Airways said it was trying to find ways to fix the belts more securely. An average of five belts a day are stolen. Braathens, which operates mainly on domestic routes and has about 400 flights daily, cannot easily trace belt thieves since it does not allocate seats on domestic flights. ***MARLAR: How many of you are actually relieved that there’s a new teen fashion trend that actually keeps kids pants UP?!

LIFE… LIVE IT

BILL OF NO RIGHTS

Yesterday we celebrated the birth of our country. And this country began with a bill of rights. Unfortunately, many people seem to be a bit confused as to what rights the Bill of Rights really gives us.

…We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone — not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots and probably always will be.

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; don’t sue the tool manufacturer and expect them to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

And finally, you do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness — which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

JUST FOR FUN

GRAFFITI ART

When is it a good thing for a janitor not to clean up graffiti? When it’s not really graffiti.
A janitor at a Washington state high school got a little carried away while cleaning. The maintenance man at Ferris High School in Spokane wiped away a wall of graffiti. Except it wasn’t graffiti, it was mural dedicated to the graduating class. Dawn Hunter, who spent over 60 hours painting the aft by aft mural, walked in on the janitor who thought he was just doing his job. The manager of Spokane school district’s downtown maintenance office apologized for the mistake and offered Hunter a sheet of wood on which to redo the art work. The school has offered to hang it in the senior hall, complete with a plaque. Hunter is taking the mistake in stride. “I feel this is going to be a positive message for kids. Bad things happen in life, but you keep going. You can’t give up.” ***MARLAR: An embarrassed janitor asked, “That stuff on the bathroom walls – is that art too?”

FUN LIST

GIRLS, YOU KNOW YOU’RE ON A BAD DATE WHEN…

  • You order a Double Whopper and he says, “Hey, my name ain’t Rockefeller, honey!”

  • You’ve never heard someone speak with such passion about an ant farm.

  • Your dinner reservations are under, “Loser, party of 2.”

  • He’s especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp.

  • Calls to tell you he’ll pick you up, just as soon as the stand off with the police is over.

  • He’s been on Judge Judy and Jerry Springer, twice.

  • When he picks you up he asks you to try not to get your heels stuck in the spokes…

  • He says, “You want to order dessert? Mom said it was okay to spend my entire allowance this week!”

GUYS, YOU KNOW YOU’RE ON A BAD DATE WHEN…

  • You catch her giving her phone number to the guy cleaning your windshield.

  • She keeps calling you “Bachelor Number Two.”

  • She says, “Whoa! Is it 7:15 already?”

  • She transitions the conversation by saying, “That’s enough about me. What do you think about me?”

  • She comments, “My last boyfriend is there on the mantle… in the urn.”

  • She challenges you to arm wrestle while calling you “little fella?”

  • She lunges at you several times with her spork.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HOW SUPERMARKETS ARE SET UP TO MAKE YOU SPEND MORE

(msn.com) Food companies pay a small fortune to supermarkets for prime display space, including eye-level shelves and “end caps”, or displays at the end of aisles. If you want to save money, check out the higher and lower shelves for less-pricey and store-brand items.  Also concentrate your spending around the perimeter of the store, where the basics of produce, dairy and meat are sold.  The interior features the stuff that’s more profitable, including highly processed and “convenience” food.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Two orphaned sisters separated decades ago in South Korea have been reunited after being hired at the same hospital in Florida. The women, now both in their 40s, were stunned to learn that they were related, having not seen each other since the early 1970s. Both women had suffered tragic losses and spent time at orphanages in South Korea before being adopted by American families. http://bit.ly/2sKOe28

A retiring Williamsville middle school principal said goodbye to students and staff and endorsed his successor while lip-synching Stevie Wonder in a video posted on YouTube. Fran McGreevy went out from Casey Middle School wearing sunglasses and sitting behind a piano in a music video with teachers and staff dancing to “Faith,” a song from the soundtrack of the 2016 animated film “Sing.” McGreevy is retiring after 18 years in the Williamsville Central School District.  http://bit.ly/2rYCGW5

How does it make sense to ban prayer in a Christian school?  A Christian preschool in Sweden has been prohibited from saying grace during mealtimes and teaching Bible lessons. Heatstreet reports that the preschool in Umea, Sweden was told that guiding children in prayer before meals and doing snack times accompanied by Bible lessons violated Sweden’s Education Act which prohibits schools from incorporating confessional elements into class time and also ensures that children are able to opt out of religious activities. http://dlvr.it/PQSrT6

Women’s Day magazine is out with 18 Cost-Effective Ways to Stay Cool This Summer. Suggestions range from closing curtains on the sunny side of the house to planting trees. Check out the complete list at http://wmdy.us/y31BOCX.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there’s a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is located in: Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas.  Our dipsticks are located in Washington, D.C.  –Jeff Hess

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JUNE 30, 2017…

Despicable Me 3—OK, fans, settle down, your favorite animated characters are back and the Minions, too. Dru (voice of Steve Carell) and his beloved (Kristen Wiig) are together with the three girls. In this plot, Dru meets his long-lost brother (also voiced by Carrell) and of course, there is mayhem. “Despicable Me 3” is rated PG. Rating of 4 for fans.

The Little Hours—The premise for this film does sound vaguely familiar. Dave Franco is trying to get away from his boss (Nick Offerman) so he decides to hide in a house of nuns. Would you believe Molly Shannon is one of the nuns and John C. Reilly plays the role of a priest? “The Little Hours” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

The House—Want to make some fast cash?  How about starting a gambling room in the basement. That’s right. Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler do just that. The cash will send their daughter to college. There will be all sorts of entertainment, plus gambling. It’s those side issues like parking, neighbors, and so on. “The House” is rated PG 13. No rating, but this borders on being an adult film.

Amityville: The Awakening—This is a re-do of the original film about a family moving into a house where murders had been committed. Of course, the place is haunted with a capital “H.” Bella Thorne stars as the young woman who is caught up in this horror. “Amityville: The Awakening” is rated R. No rating.

Baby Driver—Not to get this film confused with “Boss Baby,” this movie concerns a young get-away driver (Ansel Elgort) who plays music to keep his active mind from being distracted. His reputation is with the wheel. Ansel goes along with a difficult robbery planned by Jon Hamm and Kevin Spacey. “Baby Driver” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

JULY 07, 2017…

The Big Sick concerns a stand-up comic (Kamail Nanjiani) who loves a girl (Zoe Kazan) from another culture.

Spider-Man: Homecoming is yet another beginning for Peter Parker, this time played by Tom Holland. Iron Man is also in the cast.

A Ghost Story  stars Casey Affleck and Rooney Mara as a couple who cope with a ghost.

Patti Cake$ (opening in select cities) is a documentary about a young woman who wants to turn rap music into her life’s work. Danielle Macdonald, who stars, is from Australia.

City Of Ghosts (opening in select cities) is a documentary about journalists covering news stories in Syria.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.