July 28, 2017: Friday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170728
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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And now it’s the new and improved tartar-controlled (JOCK SHOW)!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.” –James 1:21

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. — Hebrews 11:1

Be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” — 1 Peter 5:5

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. — Romans 6:23

Thought: If we get paid what we deserve, we’re not going to like our wages. On the other hand, God, who is rich in mercy and grace, gives us his gift because of the sacrifice of Jesus and not what we deserve. I don’t know about you, but that surely does make me want to serve him more passionately and faithfully!

Prayer: Glorious and gracious Father, holy and perfect in every way, thank you that your sacrificial grace bridges the great gulf between your righteousness and my imperfection. Thank you for the gift of eternal life. May my mortal life be holy and pleasing to you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

2 Samuel 7:28 NIV = O Sovereign LORD, you are God! Your words are trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – JULY 28, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
149 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL SHAMPOO OUTDOORS DAY. ***My boss likes to do it while playing in the sprinkler.  He’s such a child sometimes.

This is NATIONAL MILK CHOCOLATE DAY. ***Isn’t that every day?

Today is NATIONAL HAMBURGER DAY.  ***Which leads directly into our next holiday…

Today is NATIONAL DRIVE-THRU DAY, marking the birth of America’s first drive-thru chain, Jack-in-the-Box, on this date in 1951.  ***We have a 31-Flavors here in town with a drive-thru as well.  How does that work?  With the flavors changing all of the time, never knowing what’s on the menu, it’d take you forever to go through the drive-thru!  And, sure enough, it’d be the person in front of you that wants the numerous taste-spoons to sample all the new flavors… and all you’re wanting is a scoop of vanilla in a cake cone.  It’s that kind of stuff that results in road rage!  Or in this case, Rocky Road rage.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Buffalo Soldiers Day
Lumberjack Day
National Milk Chocolate Day
National Get Narly Day
National Talk in An Elevator Day
World Hepatitis Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, JULY 29

Army Chaplain Corps Anniversary:
International Chicken Wing Day
Lasagna Day
National Chicken Wing Day
National Dance Day
National Lipstick Day
Rain Day
System Administrator Appreciation Day

SUNDAY, JULY 30

Cheesecake Day
Father-In-Law Day
Friendship Day
Health Care Now!  Medicare’s Birthday
International Day of Friendship
National Chicken and Waffles Day
National Support Public Education Day
Paddle for Perthes Disease Awareness Day
Paperback Book Day
World Day Against Trafficking in Persons

MONDAY, JULY 31

National Mutt Day
Uncommon Instruments Awareness Day
World Ranger Day

TUESDAY, AUGUST 01

Girlfriend’s Day
Lughnasa
Mead Day
National Minority Donor Awareness Day
National Night Out
Respect For Parents
Rounds Resounding Day
Spider-Man Day
Tisha B’Av
US Air Force Day
World Lung Cancer Day
World Wide Web Day
World Scout Scarf Day

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 02

Earth Over Shoot Day or Ecological Debt Day
International Albarino Day
National Coloring Book Day
Take A Penny/Leave A Penny Day

THURSDAY, AUGUST 03

Friendship Day
Watermelon Day
India Pale Ale Beer Day

FRIDAY, AUGUST 04

Braham Pie Day or Homemade Pie Day
Coast Guard Day
International Beer Day
Tomboy Tools Day
Twins Day
National Chocolate Chip Day
Single Working Women’s Day
Social Security Day

ON THIS DAY

1586: Sir Thomas Harriot introduced potatoes to Europe. ***”Look, Your Majesty. I bring you…starchy thighs!

1821: Peru declared its independence from Spain. ***Meanwhile, Spain reacted by saying, “Wait – we owned Peru? Where is that?!”

1866: Beatrix Potter was born in England. In 1894, in a letter to a critically ill child, she told a story of four little rabbits: Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, and Peter. The story, since published in 17 languages, was inspired by her own pet rabbit, Benjamin H. Bouncer.

1866: The metric system became a legal measurement system in the United States. ***And apparently was only incorporated into regular use by drug dealers.

1896: The city of Miami was incorporated. Population: 260.

1914: Harry Fox and his Orchestra introduced a new dance at the New Amsterdam Roof Garden in New York City. It became known as the foxtrot.

1914: World War I began.

1931: Congress made “The Star Spangled Banner” the U.S. second national anthem. ***The first being Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back.”

1939: Singer Judy Garland recorded “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with the Victor Young Orchestra for Decca Records. It became one of the top songs of the century in the film The Wizard of Oz.

1971: At RCA’s Nashville studios, Charley Pride recorded “Kiss An Angel Good Morning.” Lead guitarist: Billy Grammer.

1973: Over 600-thousand attended history’s largest rock festival at New York’s Watkins Glen raceway. Headliners were the Grateful Dead, the Allman Brothers, and the Band.

1973: Six Million Dollar Man Lee Majors married Charley’s favorite Angel Farrah Fawcett. (audio clip #1, audio clip #2)

1988: IBM announced a price hike on older models. ***So if you wanted to date a model over twenty-three, it was going to cost you.

1996: Reuters news service reported Dr. Jochen Heuer of Luebeck, Germany, not only performed a successful kidney transplant operation, but also provided his own kidney for the transplant.  ***So he takes his own kidney out and places it into somebody else.  Either he’s the toughest man ever to walk the face of this planet, or he operated on someone under the influence of morphine and ether.   

1998: In Chandler, Arizona, four witnesses lifted a 2,400-pound car high enough for a 13-year-old boy trapped under it to crawl clear. Abraham Villa suffered severe cuts and bruises when the auto hit his bicycle and dragged him several feet.

1998: Monica Lewinsky was given total immunity from prosecution in exchange for grand jury testimony in the investigation of her relationship with President Bill Clinton.

2001: An electricity company in Italy started sending bills to dead people and leaving them on their graves. The bills were sent to tombs when the company could not trace relatives who had asked for graves to be lit up at night. The company said it hoped relatives visiting the graves would pay them.

2002: An Indian dairy firm began marketing instant Holy Cow Dung to help urban Hindus perform their rituals properly. Hindus sanctify places of worship by sprinkling them with a mixture of cow dung and water before conducting rituals. The packaged cow dung is sold in cities where cattle are scarce.

2002: Cycling champion Lance Armstrong won his fourth straight Tour de France.

2004: Democrats nominated Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts to oppose Republic incumbent George W. Bush in the November presidential election.

2006: Very hot summer weather swept across much of the U.S. and parts of Europe, leaving a growing death toll. By late July, California reported 126 heat-related deaths. High temperatures reached as far north as Bismarck, N.D., which reported 112 degrees.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1148: Too weak to retake Edessa from the Muslims, the armies of the Second Crusade beseige Damascus. They blundered and were forced to retreat within five days. Believers throughout Christendom were shocked and devastated that a crusade preached by a moral exemplar (Bernard of Clairvaux) and led by royalty (King Louis VII of France and Emperor Conrad III of Germany) would fail.

1727: Moody, stiff young preacher Jonathan Edwards marries Sarah Pierrepont, a lively 17-year-old. The union proved happy and produced 11 children, six of who were born on Sundays. This caused a bit of a scandal, because people then believed children were born the same weekday they were conceived. Nonetheless, people admired the marriage, including George Whitefield, who declared, “A sweeter couple I have not seen”.

1881: American Presbyterian theologian J. Gresham Machen is born in Baltimore.

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • actress (“Saved By The Bell”, Any Given Sunday, The First Wives Club) Elizabeth Berkley 45 (audio clip)

  • actress (Gloria on “All in the Family”, Babette Dell on “Gilmore Girls”) Sally Struthers 69 (audio clip)

  • actress (Pat MacDougall on “Everybody Loves Raymond”) Georgia Engel 69 (audio clip)

  • actress (Billie Newman on “Lou Grant”) Linda Kelsey 71 (audio clip)

  • cartoonist (“Garfield”) Jim Davis 72

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1901 : Rudy Vallee

1915 : Frankie Yankovic

1937 : Peter Duchin

1938 : George Cummings (Dr. Hook)

1943 : Mike Bloomfield

1945 : Rick Wright (Pink Floyd)

1946 : Jonathan Edwards

1948 : Steve Morse (Deep Purple)

1949 : Simon Kirke (Free, Bad Company)

1949 : Peter Doyle (The New Seekers)

1949 : Steve Took (T-Rex)

1962 : Rachel Sweet

1990 : Soulja Boy

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

The United States used to have a state called Franklin. Whatever happened to that state?

Throughout history, many important things have been lost, but it takes an extraordinary level of historical absent-mindedness to misplace an entire state. However, that’s if you think Franklin was a state, as most trivia books are only too glad to do. In 1784, this territory, controlled by North Carolina, was left unprotected when a series of complicated real estate negotiations between that state and the federal government went awry. The territory’s settlers, in limbo, declared themselves the state of Franklin and elected a governor. But no one recognized them and four years later North Carolina reestablished control. Territory shifted a great deal in the early Republic, and in 1796, the former “state” of Franklin ended up as the great state of Tennessee. Conclusion: people who take the “statehood” of Franklin seriously are living in a state of confusion.

(Edited from Tricky Trivia)

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service says it will attempt to save an endangered ferret species in Montana by using a drone that will shoot M&Ms loaded with vaccines. *** Instead of being endangered, the ferrets will now just become obese.

 A terrified woman in the UK called for help after finding a tarantula the “size of her hand” in a cabinet in her home. When help arrived they found the eight-legged creature was a plastic toy.  ***I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say her kids are boys.

A coffee shop in Brooklyn, New York, is now featuring an $18 cup of coffee.  ***Which would be a great deal if you got free refills… for life.

Facebook has been displaced by Instagram as the worst social networking site for cyber bullying.  ***I guess poking just isn’t what it used to be.

According to a recent study, South Korea drinks more hard liquor than any other nation, pounding down an average of 13.7 shots a week. ***Kim Jong Un is their next-door-neighbor… can you blame them?

President Trump spoke at the White House Wednesday afternoon to the American Legion Boys Nation and Auxiliary Girls Nation, two groups in which young men and women are acting as “senators” for their respective states and participating in a mock lawmaking processes.  ***Unlike the adult senators, the kids have already passed a new healthcare bill and have moved on to solving the immigration problem.

A Florida man accused of making $7 billion in fraudulent wire transfers told the court he stole the money because Jesus wanted him to be wealthy.  ***Let’s see… Jesus is the son of God… God said, “thou shalt not steal”… nah, I’m thinking that wasn’t Jesus you heard from, pal.

According to the Weather Channel, Fall weather will reportedly be extremely hot in the United States.  The East coast, the South, and the Midwest will all experience higher-than-average temps starting in September and lasting all the way through November. The only spot spared from the unseasonal balminess is the Northwest.  ***But then, they are wrong half them time when predicting rain in the next 24-hours, so I wouldn’t put much stock in what they say is going to happen three months from now.

Mississippi is considering bringing back the firing squad as a method of execution. ***Well that should throw a few liberals into a tizzy.

In D.C. on Tuesday, a secret service agent accidentally shot himself when his weapon went off.  ***Or he was just that desperate to get away from POTUS.

A guy in Italy faked his own kidnapping to keep his wife from finding out he crashed her new car. And now the poor guy could face criminal charges.  ***Which is still better than dealing with the wrath of his wife.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

In a new survey, more than half the teens questioned are saying that they feel “addicted” to their mobile devices — and they’re not alone. Around 27 percent of parents admit to struggling to put the phone down as well.  ***And c’mon, let’s face it – you’re (reading/hearing) this on your mobile right now, aren’t you?

Sometimes you just have to take a vacation from the news. A recent study confirms what we’ve all known — bad news stresses us out. It’s worse for women though. Reading depressing news effects both men and women, but women hold on to the stress much longer than guys. On the other hand, men probably shake off the stress by forgetting the stories faster. Women tend to remember the details to bad news far longer than men.  ***Of course the women remember the bad things longer – how else can they throw it back in our faces during an argument several years later?  “Oh yeah, well you didn’t come home until 3am that one night in October of 2008!”

While modern cars are getting lighter, drivers are getting heavier — and America’s fuel economy may be feeling the weight. The Allstate Blog says that obese Americans are wasting more than 1 billion gallons of fuel per year. The Department of Energy says an extra 100 pounds lowers a vehicle’s mpg capacity by up to 2 percent. Automakers are using less steel and lighter plastics to reach higher fuel standards, but more than a third of adults are obese and that number is expected to increase.  ***What’s worse, is when you pull into the drive-in, order a rack of ribs and brontosaurus burgers, and it tips your car over.

CBS News has reported that sea levels will be up by four feet by the year 2214.  ***Far, far into the future so nobody will be embarrassed or even remember this prediction when it turns out to be false.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Gruffy Bear was doing so well filling in for a bowler in a tournament that he had to cancel the checkers game he promised to Sully. In fact, this is the third time Gruffy has canceled the game… and while Sully is disappointed, at least he’s being supportive…

CLOSE: You had to see that one coming, didn’t you? Gruffy has to decide again whether or not he’s going to keep his promise to Sully, or if he’s going to break his promise so he can help out his new bowling friends. What will he do? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A New Jersey man trying to exterminate insects ended up exterminating his entire apartment instead.

Isias Maceda was uninjured in the accident, but 80% of his apartment was destroyed, Eatontown, New Jersey, police said. The accident occurred as Maceda was spraying for pests in his kitchen. Somehow the bug spray ignited and a blast blew out the apartment’s front windows and triggered a fire that quickly spread. The Saturday blaze also caused smoke damage to the apartment upstairs.

TOP TEN

TOP 10 WAYS TO KNOW YOU’RE A SENIOR CITIZEN

10. You’re the life of the party… even when it only lasts ’till 8 pm.

9. You’re very good at opening childproof caps… with a hammer.

8. You’re usually interested in going home before you get to where you’re going.

7. You’re good on a trip for at least an hour without your aspirin, antacid, etc.

6. You’re the first one to find the bathroom wherever you go.

5. You’re awake many hours before your body allows you to get up.

4. You’re very good at telling stories… over and over and over and over…

3. You’re aware that other people’s grandchildren are not nearly as bright as your own.

2. You’re so cared for… long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care…

1. You’re not grouchy, you just don’t like traffic, waiting, children, telephone, politicians, and nosy DJs who remind you how old you are.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

It pays to get a good night’s sleep.

FILE #1: That’s what one juror found out the hard way after yawning in court. Superior Court Judge Craig Veals said, “You yawned rather audibly there. As a matter of fact, it was to the point that it was contemptuous.” The juror said he was sorry, but that he was bored. The judge then admonished him for having a lousy attitude and fined him $1,000. The juror paid the fine after it was reduced to $100 and as it turned out he wasn’t even selected to serve.

FILE #2: The man who allegedly broke into the Houdini Museum in Scranton, Pennsylvania, was unable to escape from police. 25-year-old Charles Watkins was charged with a felony count of attempted burglary and misdemeanor charges of criminal trespass and loitering. The museum co-founder and director, Dorothy Dietrich, said, “He’s going to need more than Houdini to escape from this problem.” Fortunately nothing was taken or badly damaged during the break-in.

FILE #3: Call it the case of the dead cells – both telephones and the ones in the brain. Employees at a Telefonica Movistar cell-phone store in Morelia, Mexico say they arrived one morning to find that the store had been broken into. An examination of the shop revealed the only items missing were hollow replica phones for display that are completely useless for making calls. Employees say the clueless thieves overlooked real cell phones and cash in another part of the shop. Store owners nonetheless reported the theft to local police, who are investigating.

STRANGE LAW: In Florida, if an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A federal appeals court is saying N-O to a nasty note on T-P.

Texas prison inmate George Morgan sent a vulgar message to a prosecutor written on a piece of toilet paper. He claimed he was just exercising his constitutional right of free speech. But a federal appeals court upheld a lower court ruling tossing out his claim. The court said prison administrators had the right to dock Morgan 15 days of good time credits for the T-P stunt. Morgan is serving a 23-year term on drug dealing charges.

PHONER PHUN

‘Tis the season for grilling burgers – and most of us are traditionalists. Lettuce, tomato, cheese, ketchup, mustard, pickle… but that’s not for all of us. An elderly man who is a friend of mine has had his taste-buds change in his age… the other day my wife saw him put grape jelly on his cheeseburger! Eww! What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen someone put on a burger?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What did Jacob call the place where God spoke to him?

ANSWER: Bethel (Genesis 28:19)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

A quick test on how quick you can think on your feet!

This riddle must be done in your head – NOT using paper and a pen. Please do not cheat. Do this in your head as I tell it to you!

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 30.

Add another 1000.
Now add 20.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.
What is the total? (answer below)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Did you get 5000? If so you are incorrect. Try it again! Still get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don’t believe it? Check it with your calculator!

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Bayer® Aspirin was the first drug ever to be marketed in tablet form. (True. First marketed in 1899 as a powder, by 1900 aspirin was being compressed into a water-soluble tablet.)

2. ‘Soldiers disease’ is a term for valium addiction. (False – morphine addiction. The Civil War produced over 400,000 morphine addicts.)

3. The stomach of an adult can hold 1.5 liters of material. (True)

4. About one half of Australia is covered by deserts. (False – one fifth.)

5. Strangeray Springs cattle station in South Australia is the largest ranch in the world. (True – its area measures 30,029 square kilometers – only slightly smaller than the European country of Belgium.)

6. Israel is half the size of the state of Maine. (False – it’s only a quarter of the size of Maine!)

7. The Japanese national anthem is only four lines long. (True.)

8. The standard single oar used by gondoliers in Venice is 14 feet long. (True)

9. The Old Chinese Telephone Exchange in San Franciso required operators to memorize every phone number of every single one of the company’s 2,400 clients. (True – because the Chinese believed it was rude to refer to a person as a number. Operators were also required to be proficient in English and five Chinese dialects.)

10. The ancient Egyptians worshipped cats as Gods. (True. And any cat owner can tell you that cats have never gotten over it!)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

STUDY: CONGRESS FILLED WITH _________ (MORONS)

A groundbreaking study has determined that 83% of the members of Congress are certified morons!

The Kennedy School of Government did a longitudinal study over the last 30 years that looked at the average IQ of members of Congress – the Senate & House of Representatives.

The study found that, despite the many advanced degrees from prestigious universities, and despite the fact that many in Congress are millionaires, the average IQ of U.S. Representatives is 101.   The average IQ of U.S. Senators, is surprisingly, even lower at 98.

“We spent one hour a month with each member of Congress over the last thirty years.  We gave them a number of IQ tests – including math problems, verbal problems and analytic reasoning problems.  The results were consistent year-in-year out.  Members of Congress are morons,” said Professor Thomas Turley of Harvard.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A honeymooning couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned about the room being bugged. The groom says, “I’ll look for a bug.” He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. “A-HA!” Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, “How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?”

The groom says, “Why are you asking me all of these questions?”
The hotel manager says, “Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!”

JOKE #2

Johnny’s Mother looked out the window and noticed him “playing church” with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. 
She smiled and went about her work.  A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.  She called out, “Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!”

Johnny looked up at her and said, “He should have thought about that before he joined my church.”

JOKE #3

Little Johnny was attending his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, “I pledge allegiance to the flag…”

When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.
 “Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart.”

Little Johnny replied, “It is over my heart.”

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, “Why do you think that is your heart?”

“Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, ‘Bless your little heart,’ and my Grandma wouldn’t lie!”

USELESS FACTS

In the 1960s Gatorade was supposed to be the magic sports elixir. In the 70s many athletes consumed bee pollen to energize themselves to the max. A few years ago a Chinese coach who trained record-breaking long-distance runners claimed that they ran faster when they snacked on worms. ***MARLAR: That’s AFTER spending twenty minutes heaving in the men’s room once you’ve eaten them.

A $20-million German lottery winner says he plans to build the world’s largest pigeon coop. The unidentified man lives in a modest apartment with his family so he said the first thing he will do is buy a house in the country far enough from neighbors so he can build his giant pigeon hotel without disturbing anyone.  ***MARLAR: I might also suggest he purchase a giant shovel.

FEATURED FUNNIES

LINE OF DUTY, OR JUST A LINE?
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Want to get a free gift from your teacher at school? No problem… just show up late all the time and get rewarded for it!

In going to school and showing up late, what happens to you? You’re usually punished for it, right?  Detention, failing that day’s work, you’re AT LEAST written up for it!  But not in Manchester, England. If you show up late to school there, they give you a free alarm clock! Staff at St James’ Primary School hope the scheme will ensure children turn up on time for lessons. Teacher Gwen Osborne came up with the idea after a brother and sister who were always late for class told her they didn’t have their own clock. ***MARLAR: Why didn’t I think of this in school? First I would have said that I didn’t have a clock… and the school would give me one. I’d then say that I couldn’t concentrate on studies because I didn’t have food at home, and maybe I’d get free school lunches!  And then, I’d say that I’m late to school all of the time because I didn’t have a car…

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP


There is a gift of friendship
That God has give to me,
He put you there to help me
With the things I can not see,

A friend is someone special
Who’s always there for you,
In good times and in bad
A friend will see you through,

God’s the one who gives us friends
This is his special gift,
Our friends are always there
When we need that extra lift,

There are certain things
That only friends can share,
And also when I need you
I know that you’ll be there,

You know you have a friend
For you have a friend in me,
I’ll always be there to help you
With the things you can not see.

By Melinda Tanner

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

POOLS

Last night it rained. Lots of rain. Lots of thunder and lightning. This morning the river seemed to be hustling along more rapidly than yesterday. From our balcony, I spied a small pool and kept watching it for fish. The guide that accompanied us on our first fly-fishing adventure said to look for trout in the pools of the river. Sure enough, when the sun was full out, shining down, I could see a beautiful rainbow trout. He was so still I’d have thought he was dead if he hadn’t been upright in the water. In the quieter spots of our lives – the pools – where there’s not a lot of motion, there is still something going on. There may not be the hustle-bustle -rush -and turmoil of everyday life. Yet all around is a bubbling, effervescent world whose waters flow around us continually. There is still life there, in the resting. Life and renewal and refreshing. When it is time, we’ll move out of the pool and into the current, back into the rapid flow of the river. In the book of songs, in the Bible, it says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” Thank God for the pools He provides for us in our lives.
(Contributed by Sally Kennedy)

LEFTOVERS

HICCUPS, ARE THEY CONTAGIOUS?

There’s a hiccup epidemic in Madrid. A hiccup epidemic may sound funny, but for 11-hundred people in a neighborhood in Madrid, Spain, it’s no joke. The epidemic is said to have been going on for three months, and nothing has been able to cure its victims, 500 of whom are hospitalized. Researchers say the epidemic may be linked to a gas leak that occurred right around the time the mass hiccuping started. 

LIFE… LIVE IT

THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN
If you are feeling claustrophobic at work, there’s good reason – your cubicle may be shrinking.

…According to a report in “Wired” magazine, the standard office cubicle has shrunk by as much as 50% in recent years, down to 30 square feet. The magazine also notes that by comparison, most coffins measure 15 square feet and the typical prison cell at San Quentin is a spacious 70 square feet. ***MARLAR: So work is better than death, but worse than prison!

JUST FOR FUN

MONKEY BUSINESS

A man wearing only boxer shorts jumps into the gorilla exhibit at the Bronx Zoo!

Need evidence that evolution isn’t possible? This should do it for you.  A man recently stripped down to his boxer shorts, scaled a high fence and jumped into the Bronx Zoo’s gorilla exhibit. A quick-thinking zoo employee was able to herd the gorillas into their feeding cages before the man could come near them. After about 15 minutes, police arrested the man. And as he was being led away, police asked him why he did it. “I want to be at one with the monkeys,” he said. Not surprisingly, he was taken to a hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. ***MARLAR: See? Evolution CAN’T be true… in this case it’s the apes that are the more intelligent ones.

FUN LIST

MURPHY’S LAWS REGARDING WORK

  • Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

  • You can go anywhere you want, if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

  • Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous”.

  • To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

  • Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

  • You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

  • If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

  • When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

  • You will always get the greatest recognition for the job that you least like.

  • The longer the title, the less important the job.

  • Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

BODY MYSTERIES REVEALED…

Did you ever want to know something about the human body but were afraid to ask, or you didn’t know who to ask? Here are some answer to “odd body” questions you’ve wanted to know:

  1. Can my nose grow bigger? — You remember the story of “Pinocchio?” Every time he told a lie his nose grew bigger. In fact the Pinocchio effect is very real, at least to some extent. Your nose gets slightly larger or smaller depending on blood flow. What you eat, temperature, illness, allergies, even emotions such as anger can alter the size of your nose. It is common for people to feel they have a temporarily stuffy nose after eating. Some even say they can feel it expanding or contracting. The size difference is tiny. Yet if you measure your nose throughout the day, you’d find that it does get smaller or bigger but not like poor Pinocchio’s.

  2. What are hiccups? — A hiccup is an irritation of the diaphragm that causes a spasm. First, the diaphragm contracts involuntarily. Second, when air is inhaled, the space between the vocal cords snaps shut with a characteristic clicking sound, which is what we hear when we hiccup.

  3. Why do I have fingerprints? — Fingerprints are visible parts of the rete ridges, where the skin’s epidermis dips down into the dermis forming an interlocking structure. Our unique print configurations are due to the semi-randomness of ridge and dermal-structure growth. Fingerprints help us grip and handle objects the way car tires grip the road. A system of troughs, ridges and grooves helps channel water from our fingers and toes. This results in a better gripping ability.

  4. Why can’t I tickle myself? — The “tickle response” is involuntary and cannot be self-induced. It has been suggested that tickling with gentle movement of fingertips excites certain small, fine nerve endings or “touch” sensors just beneath the surface of the skin. These are located all over the body, but especially on the palms and soles.

  5. Why do my feet swell in airplanes? — For the same reason they swell on the ground – inactivity. On an airplane you’re confined and sitting, gravity forces blood and other fluids to the lowest body point – your feet. Feet normally swell during the day. Podiatrists recommend stretching to minimize swelling.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

It’s a rare individual who gets through an entire day without telling a lie. Most are harmless, so-called “white lies” that are told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Others are bigger lies that are told to protect ourselves. It turns out that telling the truth when you’re tempted to lie can actually improve your mental and physical health. On average, the typical American lies about 11 times a week. “We wanted to find out if living more honestly can actually cause better health,” said lead author Anita E. Kelly, a professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame. “We found that the participants could purposefully and dramatically reduce their everyday lies, and that in turn was associated with significantly improved health.” Over the course of the 10-week study, the link between less lying and improved health was significantly stronger for participants in the no-lie group. for example, when participants in the no-lie group told three fewer white lies than they did in other weeks, they experienced, on average, about four fewer mental-health complaints, such as feeling tense or melancholy, and about three fewer physical complaints, such as sore throats and headaches.

Just because your commute is 20 seconds long and your dress code is a T-shirt and underpants doesn’t mean stress can’t find you in your home office. To explore how our ubiquitous digital devices are affecting telecommuters or those who work remotely, a study looked at employees in 15 countries, including the U.S., U.K., and Japan. The researchers found that although there are many positives to working from home or off-site like increased autonomy, better flexibility, no commute, the way that the workday can spill over into your personal time can be a big negative. They reported that 41 percent of mobile employees felt stressed, compared with only 25 percent of the cubicle jockeys, and a full 42 percent had trouble sleeping, with only 29 percent of office workers reporting insomnia according to a report in International Labor Organization. (Men’s Fitness)

Put the coffee cup down. Don’t go anywhere near that soda machine. If you want to jolt yourself awake around 3pm when you get the afternoon doldrums, climb up and down the nearest set of stairs. That’s the word from researchers at the University of Georgia in Athens, who found that 10 minutes of walking up and down stairs at a regular pace does more to make you feel energized than drinking a cup of coffee or a can of soda. A study found that neither caffeine nor exercise caused large improvements in attention or memory, but stair-walking was associated with a small increase in motivation for work, albeit temporary. Why the stairs? Office workers can go outside and walk, but weather can be less than ideal. And a lot of people working in office buildings have access to stairs, so it’s an option to keep some fitness while taking a short break from work.

Well here’s a not-so-fun fact about summer.  Will one really bad sunburn lead to melanoma? It’s a question many wonder, especially since it’s a rare person who never suffered a severe burn as a child or teenager. That’s especially true for those born before sunscreen was popularly available — and we knew to use it. And if one bad burn can cause skin cancer, what can you do about it now? “We’re still waiting for a definitive one-sunburn study to show us exactly how much melanoma risk increases with one blistering burn, but to the best of our knowledge, it seems like the answer is about 50 percent,” explained R. Neil Box, an investigator at the University of Colorado Cancer Center and president of the Colorado Melanoma Foundation. “One bad burn as a child makes you half-again more likely to develop melanoma as an adult.” About 250,000 people are diagnosed with melanoma annually, and 60,000 people will die from this most dangerous form of skin cancer. while the increased risk accompanying one bad burn is still imprecise, studies show that the overall lifetime risk of developing melanoma climbs 80 percent with five blistering burns in childhood.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Motivation is not going to strike you like lightning. And motivation is not something that someone else – nurse, doctor, family member – can bestow or force on you. The whole idea of motivation is a trap. Forget motivation. Just do it.” — American Medical Journal, as quoted in “Developing the Leader Within You”, page 110

Good thing we’re at the end of the show now.  I just realized that when I ate before the show, instead of eating my rice cake, I ate my Styrofoam coffee cup.  And it tasted better.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JULY 28, 2017…

Atomic Blonde—When Charlize Theron dives into a role, she really does it. The actress trained for hours a day for months getting the stunts right.  This film concerns a British female spy in the 1980’s who is supposed to gather information to help bust a spy ring in Berlin. With all the action here—and watch those deadly spike heels—Theron goes into battle as Lorraine Broughton. She is in Berlin, just before the big crack in The Wall. The plot is adapted from the graphic novel by Anthony Johnston and Sam Hart called “The Coldest City.”  James McAvoy plays Lorraine’s contact, while Sofia Boutella (“Star Trek: Beyond”) is a French agent. Director David Leitch was once a stunt double for Brad Pitt and directed  “Captain America: Civil War.“ “Atomic Blonde” has action sequences that go on longer than what is usual in an action film. Plus, there is a rocking soundtrack. Fasten your seat belts. “Atomic Blonde” is rated R and is an adult movie. Rating of 2 for fans of the genre.

An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth To Power (documentary)—The first “Inconvenient Truth” documentary with Al Gore won an Academy Award in 2006. Now, we have an update on the situation.  From melting icebergs to typhoon victims, the audience see what is happening to the world as the climate slowly warms up. What can be done? Gore knows. “An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth To Power” stars Al Gore. Rated PG 13. No rating.

The Emoji Movie—The little creatures that seems to decorate everything in cyber land now have their own animated film. The theme of the movie is that one emoji thinks he is imperfect because he can’t express emotion. What to do? Voices of T. J. Miller, Patrick Stewart and James Corden. “The Emoji Movie” is rated PG. No rating.

From The Land Of The Moon (opening in select cities)—is  French films starring Marion Cotillard. She goes into an arranged marriage to a land owner in Spain only to fall for a war veteran (Louis Garret.) What to do? “From The Land Of The Moon” is rated R. No rating.

The Incredible Jessica James (opening in select cities)—In this romance, a woman who writes plays (Jessica Williams) falls for Chris O’Dowd who has recently been divorced. Will this work out? The story is set in New York. “The Incredible Jessica James” is rated PG 13. No rating.

AUGUST 04, 2017…

The Dark Tower is adapted from the Stephen King books and stars Matthew McConaughey and Idris Elba.

Detroit is directed by Kathryn Bigelow and is centered on the Detroit Riots. Stars Anthony Mackie.

Ingrid Goes West has Aubrey Plaza befriending someone on Instagram. It had to happen.

Wind River concerns an Indian Reservation murder. Stars Jeremy Renner.

Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature continues the animated  adventures of the little creatures and voiced by Will Arnett.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.