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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)! Because sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“A righteous man who walks in his integrity — How blessed are his sons after him.” –Proverbs 20:3
[The Lord says] “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” — Isaiah 41:10
Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through a prophetic message when the body of elders laid their hands on you. — 1 Timothy 4:14
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?” — Matthew 6:25
Thought: God gives beauty to the flowers and life to grass. In the grand scheme of things, these are transitory and insignificant. He sent his Son from Heaven to save us. So, he most definitely is going to give us what we need until we go home to live with him!
Prayer: Loving Father and Almighty God, forgive my distraction over temporal things. I do believe that you have given me everything I need in Jesus and in the gracious abundance of your blessings. In the precious name of Jesus I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
2 Samuel 7:29 NIV = Now be pleased to bless the house of your servant, that it may continue forever in your sight; for you, O Sovereign LORD, have spoken, and with your blessing the house of your servant will be blessed forever.”
TODAY IS SATURDAY – JULY 29, 2017
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 148 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
This is REG MORRIS DAY. In 1988 Reg Morris of Walsall, England, crawled on his hands and knees a world record 28.5 miles. You may recall that three years earlier Reg carried a brick 61 miles. ***Okay, maybe you WON’T recall that… because nobody cares.
Today is NATIONAL LASAGNA DAY. ***There is nothing funny to say about this one – I believe we should all, out of a deep feeling of respect, celebrate it though.
Today is NATIONAL PHOTOGRAPH YOUR CHILDREN WHEN THEY’RE NOT LOOKING DAY. ***My parents did that to my brother while he was potty-training… and then used the photos to blackmail him when he was in junior-high school.
Today is BAJDKBAM DAY, a day to act silly and goofy. ***Or just SOUND silly and goofy trying to pronounce the word “bajdkbam”.
TODAY IS ALSO…
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
SUNDAY, JULY 30
Health Care Now! Medicare’s Birthday
International Day of Friendship
National Chicken and Waffles Day
National Support Public Education Day
Paddle for Perthes Disease Awareness Day
Paperback Book Day
World Day Against Trafficking in Persons
MONDAY, JULY 31
TUESDAY, AUGUST 01
National Minority Donor Awareness Day
National Night Out
Respect For Parents
Rounds Resounding Day
US Air Force Day
World Lung Cancer Day
World Wide Web Day
World Scout Scarf Day
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 02
Earth Over Shoot Day or Ecological Debt Day
International Albarino Day
National Coloring Book Day
Take A Penny/Leave A Penny Day
THURSDAY, AUGUST 03
India Pale Ale Beer Day
FRIDAY, AUGUST 04
SATURDAY, AUGUST 05
SUNDAY, AUGUST 06
MONDAY, AUGUST 07
Assistance Dog Day
National Psychic Day
Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day
Professional Speakers Day
Purple Heart Day
ON THIS DAY
1866: Thomas Chisholm was born. The American Methodist pastor wrote 1,200 poems, one of which became the familiar hymn “Great Is Thy Faithfulness.”
1955: Johnny Cash recorded “Folsom Prison Blues.” He had written the song after seeing the movie Inside the Walls of Folsom Prison. The song hit in 1956 and again in 1968.
1957: Jack Paar debuted as host of “The Tonight Show.” The late-night NBC-TV show had been hosted previously by Steve Allen and Ernie Kovaks. Guest hosts filled in for six months in 1962, then came Johnny Carson and Jay Leno.
1963: Peter, Paul and Mary released “Blowin’ In The Wind.”
1967: Louis Armstrong recorded “What A Wonderful World.” He insisted on singing the song only once. ABC Records used the first and only take.
1981: Hundreds of millions watched on television as Britain’s Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer were married at St. Paul’s Cathedral in London. Even North American networks carried the ceremony live though it was in the wee hours of the morning. The couple divorced in 1996.
1988: Federal regulators shut down the largest bank in Texas, First RepublicBank of Dallas, and sold it to North Carolina National Bank.
1988: Reg Morris of Walsall, England, crawled on his hands and knees a world record 28.5 miles. You may recall that three years earlier Reg carried a brick 61 miles.
1995: InStyle magazine reported that fitness guru Richard Simmons had outfitted his minivan with doggie seats and special airbags to protect his new Dalmatian puppies.
1996: Carl Lewis won his ninth Olympic gold medal by winning the long jump competition., tying swimmer Mark Spitz for most golds by an American athlete.
2002: An American explorer who had survived seven expeditions to the Antarctic cut off three toes mowing his lawn. The 53-year-old explorer, from Galena, Illinois, was forced to delay an eighth Antarctic trip by several months. He said the embarrassment was almost as bad as losing the toes.
2003: Boston’s Bill Mueller became the first player in major league history to hit grand slam home runs from both sides of the plate in a game. He also hit a third homer in a 14-7 win against the Rangers in Texas.
2005: Astronomers announced that they’d discovered a new planet larger than Pluto in orbit around the sun.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1030: Viking king Olaf Haraldsson, patron saint of Norway, dies in the battle of Stiklestad. Though limited in his ability to force his countrymen to convert during his reign, his death was later hailed as a miracle-filled martyrdom and, as his legend grew, it spurred on Christians converting the country. In time, Olaf became one of the most well-known saints of medieval Christendom, and his relics in Norway became one of Europe’s most popular pilgrimage destinations.
1794: In a converted blacksmith’s shop in Philadelphia, former slave Richard Allen assembles a group of black Christians who had faced discrimination in the local Methodist Episcopal Church. They formed the Bethel African Methodist Episcopal Church, the mother church of the African Methodist Episcopal Church, now known throughout the world.
1833: English abolitionist William Wilberforce dies a mere three days after England abolishes slavery.
1965: M. R. DeHaan, founder of the Radio Bible Class, is seriously injured in a car accident.
1968: Pope Paul VI publishes his encyclical “Humanae Vitae,” which condemns artificial birth control methods.
actor (Feardotcom, Blade, Cold Creek Manor) Stephen Dorff 44
actor (“Star Trek: The Next Generation”, “Eureka”) Wil Wheaton 46 (audio clip)
actor (Oh God! Book Two) Rodney Allen Rippy 49
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1887 : Sigmund Romberg
1917 : Henry D. “Homer” Haynes (Homer and Jethro)
1933 : Randy Sparks (The New Christie Minstrels)
1946 : Neal Doughty (REO Speedwagon)
1947 : Carlo Paul Santanna (Paper Lace)
1953 : Geddy Lee (Rush)
1953 : Patty Scialfa (Bruce Springsteen‘s E Street Band)
1959 : John Sykes (Whitesnake)
1966 : Martina McBride
1967 : Chris Gorman (Belly)
1973 : Wanya Morris (Boyz II Men)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
How much of a tree that’s been cut for timber actually ends up as usable wood?
The timber industry goes against the grain of cost efficiency. Between the tree and your dining table, most of what was originally standing ends up as waste. Picture yourself dismembering a carrot for a salad. You begin by lopping off the top, right? Lumberjacks do the same to a tree, removing its top and its branches before they even yell “timber”. By the time what’s left is on its way to a mill, as much as half of its original volume is gone. Another twenty-five percent is left in the sawmill, much of it as sawdust. Hey, they have to have something to put on the barroom floor, don’t they? Another eighth is wasted in machining the lumber for the final product. That leaves as little as an eighth of the original tree. ***You could say all that is left is a chip off the old block. (Edited from Tricky Trivia)
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NEW NEWS KICKERS…
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear was substituting in a bowling tournament and was bowling better than he’d ever bowled before. Unfortunately, every time Gruffy bowled well, it meant the team moved to the next level… and Gruffy would have to keep canceling his checkers games with Sully. He’s already cancelled three times… will he do it to Sully again?
CLOSE: That’s not good… Gruffy is now so caught up in himself and his bowling skills that he’s about to lose a good friend. Will he snap out of it? Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Cutbacks and layoff are never fun – but they can be funny!
Walkers Potato Chips, a Pepsi-owned British potato chip company, just laid off 250 employees. Laying off 250 workers at one time doesn’t take a lot of genius, unless you consider that the person who did the laying off still has his job. But the true Moment of DUH is in the details of the firings. Each person who was fired received a nice parting gift from his ex-employer. You guessed it… the goodbye “gift” was a bag of potato chips.
TOP TEN COUNTRY PEARLS OF WISDOM
1. Don’t name a pig you plan to eat.
2. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
3. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
4. A bumble-bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
5. Don’t skinny dip with snapping turtles.
6. Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain’t helpful.
7. Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
8. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
9. Meanness don’t happen overnight.
10. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Some people try to steal cable TV. Others try to steal cable TV repair trucks!
FILE #1: A Brighthouse Networks cable repairman was in a cherry picker truck fixing lines 25 feet in the air when a Bakersfield, California, man decided to steal the vehicle. The thief tore down several phone lines before crashing into a utility pole. Repairman Curtis Bartell got a wild ride but did not suffer any major injuries. The 29-year-old thief was arrested less than 24 hours later.
FILE #2: If you know the police have a warrant out for your arrest, paranoia can be your worst enemy! When Daniel Willard Rhodes saw a police helicopter overhead, he dove into a storm drain to escape the manhunt. The Largo, Florida, man knew there was a warrant out for his arrest for violating probation and figured the cops were on to him. But as he crawled around the storm drain system, he got lost. The next day, he found a street opening and called up to a passerby, begging for rescue. The passerby called 911, bringing a full-scale response from rescue crews — including sheriff’s deputies, who had the joy of informing Rhodes that the helicopter hadn’t been looking for him, and that they don’t use choppers to search for people with small-time warrants.
FILE #3: Police in central New Jersey say they arrested a man for burglary after he returned to the victim’s house in Rahway to apologize. Rahway police arrested 35-year-old Craig Fletcher of Elizabeth shortly after the homeowner told them a man had just rung his doorbell, apologized for the break-in and ran off on foot. The homeowner said he interrupted the burglary. He chased the burglar, who had stuff three laptops and an Xbox game console into a backpack. The intruder threw the bag down and got away.
STRANGE LAW: In Port Huron, Michigan, the speed limit for ambulances is only 20 m.p.h.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
If you’re going to pass someone on the highway, first make sure your brain isn’t on drugs!
James Davis was in a hurry. And you know how frustrating it is when the car in front of you is just creeping along. That’s what was happening, so he decided to express his irritation by honking at the car. That in itself isn’t such a bad idea. It’s the fact that the slow traveling car was a police cruiser that got him into trouble. Things got even worse when the cops pulled him over to see what the rush was and discovered Mr. Davis was intoxicated. He’s been arrested.
How Far Would You Drive To Save On Gas? If you could save 20-cents per gallon, how far would you go? 5-10 miles? 10-15? 15-20? More?
If you could do the same work for the same pay but live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Into how many parts did the soldiers divide Jesus’ garments?
ANSWER: Four parts (John 19:23 = Then the soldiers, when they had crucified Jesus, took his garments, and made four parts, to every soldier a part; and also his coat: now the coat was without seam, woven from the top throughout.)
QUESTION: How many muscles does the average garden-variety caterpillar have in its head?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. The United States would fit into the continent of Africa three-and-a-half times. (True)
2. There are approximately three thousand lakes in Alaska. (False – there are more than three million! The largest, Lake Iliamna, is the size of Connecticut.)
3. In proportion, if Jupiter were a basketball, then the sun would be the size of the Louisiana Super Dome. (True)
4. One Neptune year lasts 5 Earth years. (False – 165 years)
5. 570 gallons of paint would be needed to paint the outside of the White House. (True)
6. By law, information collected in a U.S. census must remain confidential for seventy-two years. (True)
7. Centuries ago in India, a person could get their nose chopped off for breaking the law. (True)
8. “Barf” means “snow” in the Persian language. (True)
9. Native Americans once used woodpecker scalps as jewelry. (False – as currency)
10. During the course of a year, the average person walks four miles to make their bed. (True… assuming you make your bed!)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
_____ PASSES SPACE STATION (ALIEN SPACESHIP)
(From July 25, 2011) An alien spaceship based by the International Space Station – shooting warning lasers as it went by. The crew aboard the International Space Station were shocked to see a purple spaceship circle the space station in a threatening manner. They astronauts were all sleeping at the time and said that the spaceship seemed to “come out of nowhere.” The crew from Expedition 28 has only been on the International Space Station since June. The astronauts alerted NASA immediately of the breech in ISS security. “They broke through our force field with ease,” said astronaut Kevin Janowick. NASA, however, could not see any evidence of the spaceship, but the astronauts all confirmed seeing it and felt that they were in “extreme danger.” ***MARLAR: Even more interesting than space aliens – apparently, according to this story, the space station has force fields! Who knew?
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
“What happened to you?” asked the bystander of the man lying on the sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor. The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. “Well, the last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took one look at her and said, ‘Well, Honey, … at least you tried.'”
This is hilarious – no wonder some people were so offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades – even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2
To complain about what we do – Press 3
To swear at staff members – Press 4
To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year – Press 8
To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
To complain about school lunches – Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!
Doctors studying airline passengers say being crammed in a tight airplane seat for hours could result in something called “economy class syndrome,” which is a blood clot in the leg that can actually be fatal. ***Not to worry though – the airline food will kill you first.
Scarlett Johansson, who is the face of cosmetics giant L’Oreal, admits she isn’t afraid to use plastic surgery in the future to avoid growing old ungracefully. She says, “I will definitely have plastic surgery — I don’t want to become an old hag!” ***But apparently she is fine with being shallow.
I bet you don’t know what day this is”, said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: “Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?” With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.
The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.
His wife was indeed surprised: “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
YOU MIGHT SAY HE’S JUST A FRUIT, BUT…
When God calls you to something… you do it! Right? What if God called you to wear a silly little red pepper costume and jump up and down at a grocery store for a living? You guessed it… it’s a true story.
Kenny Carter is now known as Peppy the Pepper at the Super Fresh Stop. His job? Just greet people at the door. And Kenny claims that God actually told him to do it – TOLD him to be a vegetable! Apparently, it was a very intense worship service that Kenny was in when God spoke to him. Kenny did not believe it at first, but God spoke to him again. “You will be a vegetable.” Before venturing forth in his new God-given career, Kenny used to be a drug-dealer and a pimp. He’d spent many years in jail and rehab as well. After the church service, Kenny asked a friend to make him a pepper costume, he made up a song, and then asked his store manager to let him try out his act on shoppers. The shoppers love it, and now Kenny travels around the entire grocery chain. ***MARLAR: You know, people are called to different things, I guess. And who am I to say that God couldn’t call a guy to be a vegetable? But, ironically, look at Kenny’s life… if he’d continued in the drug abuse, he may have ended up as a vegetable anyway. I think God appreciates that kind of irony, don’t you?
It was a rainy bone-chilling night. A young seminary student was working in a homeless shelter which housed over 100 and on this cold evening more had come to be housed than there were cots or mats. As often happens when there is a shortage, disagreements broke out. The minority groups argued that they were not being fairly treated. It was beginning to look like emotions were getting out of hand – more than the employee, the young seminary student, in charge could handle. Then the door opened and in stumbled a tattered man. With the unsteady gate of the inebriated, he managed to get to a mat in the middle of the room, plop down, pull off his boots, and immediately go to sleep.
Just as quickly everyone in the room became acutely aware of the stench from those boots and feet. Someone suggested that he be taken to the shower. It was impossible to awaken him. Well, then, carry him to the shower. But he weighed over 200 lbs. Then the seminary student thought of washing the feet where he was. No basin was available, so he went to the kitchen, found a bowl which he filled with warm water. The only soap quickly available was the lemon-scented dish soap, so he put that in the water. Finding a towel, he took the towel and water to the sleeping odoriferous man. Kneeling beside him, he requested that someone take the boots outside to air. Then he began trying to take off the encrusted socks. He finally managed, and sent them to the garbage outside the building. Then one by one, he put the man’s feet in the bowl and gently washed away the grime from his feet and ankles. The lemon scent from the soap helped the smell little. The water quickly became black. The seminary student was almost finished when
he happened to glance to see that he was surrounded. He obviously was the center of attention. What would be their response.
Completing his task, he slowly rose. The first face he noticed was a black man who normally wore a scowl. He was smiling, then he saw that everyone else was smiling also. Some who had taken both a mat and a cot, now shared the mat with someone who had none. In a spirit of helpfulness, everyone settled down to sleep, having received the greatest sermon this young preacher might ever preach.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
DO WHAT YOU CAN
Read: Mark 14:1-9
She has done what she could. —Mark 14:8
As Mary of Bethany gave her best to Jesus (Mk. 14:1-9), so each of us must give in our own way the best we have to the Lord. Our efforts may not seem significant, but God can use them for His glory.
D. L. Moody told the story of a man who was crossing the Atlantic by ship. He was terribly seasick and confined to his cabin. One night he heard the cry “Man overboard!” But he felt that there was nothing he could do to help. Then he said to himself, “I can at least put my lantern in the porthole.” He struggled to his feet and hung the light so it would shine out into the darkness.
The next day he learned that the person who was rescued said, “I was going down in the dark night for the last time when someone put a light in a porthole. As it shone on my hand, a sailor in a lifeboat grabbed it and pulled me in.”
Everyone holding forth his own light, or using his one talent, no matter how small, will help accomplish God’s purpose on this earth, and will thus glorify the Savior. What a joy it will be when the Master looks into your eyes in that future day and with a loving smile of approval says, “Well done, good and faithful servant . . . . Enter into the joy of your Lord” (Mt. 25:21).
AND HE LIVES ON 34TH STREET
A Utah man has changed his name to Santa Claus.
…A state district court originally banned David Porter from taking the name saying it might have a “chilling effect” on anyone who wanted to sue him in the future. (Imagine trying to sue Santa Claus… you Grinch!) But the Utah Supreme Court in Salt Lake City has now given its blessing to the name swap. Mr. Claus, who bleaches his naturally red hair white every month, said: “I have a big bushy white beard. I have a big tummy and glasses. I look pretty authentic.” He also takes the month of December off to make appearances at private parties. ***MARLAR: How can you take the month of December off from work and still call yourself Santa Claus?
LIFE… LIVE IT
Is working out with a heart condition a bad idea? Turns out it may not be so bad after all!
Telling heart patients to really push themselves during exercise sounds risky. But a growing body of research suggests that a workout routine athletes use to get in shape may do the same for some patients. Some scientists and clinics are backing the use of high-intensity interval training, which involves short spurts of intense exercise at 85 to 95 percent of maximum heart rate alternating with periods of moderate exercise. Heart patients have traditionally built up fitness with steady sessions of aerobic exercise aimed at keeping the heart beating at about 70 percent of its maximum rate. That’s meant to give the heart a workout without risking chest pain or a cardiac event.
JUST FOR FUN
At what age does a man look at himself in the mirror and think, “You know, I think I’d look pretty good in sandals, black knee socks, plaid shorts with a wide-white belt… ooh, and also a yachting cap!” Men have traditionally made bad fashion/grooming choices.
The shaved-head look: Just when the comb-over went out of style, every balding man started shaving his head. Michael Jordan looks great with a shaved head; you do not.
Hair plugs: You never see “Phase 2” of a guy with hair plugs. It always looks like somebody just plowed their head and planted corn.
Toupees: Another bad idea from the French. A Crepe Suzette is a pancake, an Escargot is a snail, a Biscotti is a burnt cookie, and a toupee is a WIG! Trying to conceal baldness by wearing a wig is like trying to hide a big gut by wearing a black tank top.
Untrimmed ear and nose hair: These are men who never learned to color inside the lines. You look like you’re in the first stages of turning into a werewolf. And some of these guys will also wear a wig!
Suspenders AND a Belt: What is the plan here? Is the belt for function and the suspenders for fashion? These guys are probably wearing boxers AND briefs, or glasses AND contacts. The only thing I can figure is that these guys have a deep-seated fear of being trouser-jacked.
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
“Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: ‘Lunch will be gin at 12:15.’ Please correct to read ’12 noon.’ “
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp.
We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
How old are you, really? Is it true that age is only in the mind? You’re as young as you feel? We’ll find out if you’re an old geezer or not coming up with a quick quiz! Grab a piece of paper and a pen or pencil!
In the 1940’s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located on a car? a. On the floor shift knob b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch c. Next to the horn (Answer… “B” – On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late ’60s to catch on.)
The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used? a. Capture lightning bugs b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing c. Large salt shaker (Answer… “B”… to sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?)
Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters? a. Cows got cold and wouldn’t produce milk b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top. (Answer… “C”… cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.)
Name a formerly popular chewing gum named for a game of chance? a. Blackjack b. Gin c. Craps! (Answer: “A”… Blackjack Gum)
What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II? a. Suntan b. Leg painting c. Wearing slacks (Answer… “B”… special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.)
What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn’t tell whether it was coming or going? a. Studebaker b. Nash Metro c. Tucker (Answer… “A”… 1946 Studebaker.)
Which was a popular candy when you were a kid? a. Strips of dried peanut butter b. Chocolate licorice bars c. Wax coke shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside (Answer… “C”… wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.)
How was Butch wax used? a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust (Answer… “A”… wax for your flat top [butch] haircut.)
Before in-line skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes? a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key b. Woven straps that crossed the foot c. Long pieces of twine (Answer… “A”… with clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.)
As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision? a. Consider all the facts b. Ask Mom c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo (Answer… “C”… Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.)
What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940’s? a. Smallpox b. AIDS c. Polio (Answer… “C”… Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.)
“I’ll be down to get you in a ________, Honey” a. SUV b. Taxi c. Streetcar (Answer… “B”… Taxi. Better be ready by half past eight!)
What was the name of Caroline Kennedy’s pet pony? a. Old Blue b. Paint c. Macaroni (Answer… “C”… Macaroni.)
What was Duck-and-Cover? a. Part of the game of hide and seek b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill (Answer… “C”… Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.)
What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show? a. Princess Summer Fall Winter Spring b. Princess Sacajewea c. Princess Moonshadow (Answer… “A”… Princess Summer Fall Winter Spring. She was another puppet.)
What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school? a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window c. Wrote another pupil’s name on the top, to avoid your failure (Answer… “A”… Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.)
Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases? a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos (Answer… “B”… Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.)
Praise the Lord, and pass the _________? a. Meatballs b. Dames c. Ammunition (Answer… “C”… Ammunition, and we’ll all be free.)
What was the name of the singing group that made the song “Cabdriver” a hit? a. The Ink Spots b. The Supremes c. The Esquires (Answer… “A”… The all male, all black group: The Ink spots.)
Who left his heart in San Francisco? a. Tony Bennett b. Xavier Cugat c. George Gershwin
(Answer… “A”… Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.)
17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.
12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.
0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for an old geezer or you are younger than springtime!
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
It’s a rare individual who gets through an entire day without telling a lie. Most are harmless, so-called “white lies” that are told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Others are bigger lies that are told to protect ourselves. It turns out that telling the truth when you’re tempted to lie can actually improve your mental and physical health. On average, the typical American lies about 11 times a week. “We wanted to find out if living more honestly can actually cause better health,” said lead author Anita E. Kelly, a professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame. “We found that the participants could purposefully and dramatically reduce their everyday lies, and that in turn was associated with significantly improved health.” Over the course of the 10-week study, the link between less lying and improved health was significantly stronger for participants in the no-lie group. for example, when participants in the no-lie group told three fewer white lies than they did in other weeks, they experienced, on average, about four fewer mental-health complaints, such as feeling tense or melancholy, and about three fewer physical complaints, such as sore throats and headaches.
Just because your commute is 20 seconds long and your dress code is a T-shirt and underpants doesn’t mean stress can’t find you in your home office. To explore how our ubiquitous digital devices are affecting telecommuters or those who work remotely, a study looked at employees in 15 countries, including the U.S., U.K., and Japan. The researchers found that although there are many positives to working from home or off-site like increased autonomy, better flexibility, no commute, the way that the workday can spill over into your personal time can be a big negative. They reported that 41 percent of mobile employees felt stressed, compared with only 25 percent of the cubicle jockeys, and a full 42 percent had trouble sleeping, with only 29 percent of office workers reporting insomnia according to a report in International Labor Organization. (Men’s Fitness)
Put the coffee cup down. Don’t go anywhere near that soda machine. If you want to jolt yourself awake around 3pm when you get the afternoon doldrums, climb up and down the nearest set of stairs. That’s the word from researchers at the University of Georgia in Athens, who found that 10 minutes of walking up and down stairs at a regular pace does more to make you feel energized than drinking a cup of coffee or a can of soda. A study found that neither caffeine nor exercise caused large improvements in attention or memory, but stair-walking was associated with a small increase in motivation for work, albeit temporary. Why the stairs? Office workers can go outside and walk, but weather can be less than ideal. And a lot of people working in office buildings have access to stairs, so it’s an option to keep some fitness while taking a short break from work.
Well here’s a not-so-fun fact about summer. Will one really bad sunburn lead to melanoma? It’s a question many wonder, especially since it’s a rare person who never suffered a severe burn as a child or teenager. That’s especially true for those born before sunscreen was popularly available — and we knew to use it. And if one bad burn can cause skin cancer, what can you do about it now? “We’re still waiting for a definitive one-sunburn study to show us exactly how much melanoma risk increases with one blistering burn, but to the best of our knowledge, it seems like the answer is about 50 percent,” explained R. Neil Box, an investigator at the University of Colorado Cancer Center and president of the Colorado Melanoma Foundation. “One bad burn as a child makes you half-again more likely to develop melanoma as an adult.” About 250,000 people are diagnosed with melanoma annually, and 60,000 people will die from this most dangerous form of skin cancer. while the increased risk accompanying one bad burn is still imprecise, studies show that the overall lifetime risk of developing melanoma climbs 80 percent with five blistering burns in childhood.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Now I suppose I have to go home and mow the lawn. I couldn’t quite convince my wife that it’s a natural habitat for the spotted owl.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JULY 28, 2017…
Atomic Blonde—When Charlize Theron dives into a role, she really does it. The actress trained for hours a day for months getting the stunts right. This film concerns a British female spy in the 1980’s who is supposed to gather information to help bust a spy ring in Berlin. With all the action here—and watch those deadly spike heels—Theron goes into battle as Lorraine Broughton. She is in Berlin, just before the big crack in The Wall. The plot is adapted from the graphic novel by Anthony Johnston and Sam Hart called “The Coldest City.” James McAvoy plays Lorraine’s contact, while Sofia Boutella (“Star Trek: Beyond”) is a French agent. Director David Leitch was once a stunt double for Brad Pitt and directed “Captain America: Civil War.“ “Atomic Blonde” has action sequences that go on longer than what is usual in an action film. Plus, there is a rocking soundtrack. Fasten your seat belts. “Atomic Blonde” is rated R and is an adult movie. Rating of 2 for fans of the genre.
An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth To Power (documentary)—The first “Inconvenient Truth” documentary with Al Gore won an Academy Award in 2006. Now, we have an update on the situation. From melting icebergs to typhoon victims, the audience see what is happening to the world as the climate slowly warms up. What can be done? Gore knows. “An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth To Power” stars Al Gore. Rated PG 13. No rating.
The Emoji Movie—The little creatures that seems to decorate everything in cyber land now have their own animated film. The theme of the movie is that one emoji thinks he is imperfect because he can’t express emotion. What to do? Voices of T. J. Miller, Patrick Stewart and James Corden. “The Emoji Movie” is rated PG. No rating.
From The Land Of The Moon (opening in select cities)—is French films starring Marion Cotillard. She goes into an arranged marriage to a land owner in Spain only to fall for a war veteran (Louis Garret.) What to do? “From The Land Of The Moon” is rated R. No rating.
The Incredible Jessica James (opening in select cities)—In this romance, a woman who writes plays (Jessica Williams) falls for Chris O’Dowd who has recently been divorced. Will this work out? The story is set in New York. “The Incredible Jessica James” is rated PG 13. No rating.
AUGUST 04, 2017…
The Dark Tower is adapted from the Stephen King books and stars Matthew McConaughey and Idris Elba.
Detroit is directed by Kathryn Bigelow and is centered on the Detroit Riots. Stars Anthony Mackie.
Ingrid Goes West has Aubrey Plaza befriending someone on Instagram. It had to happen.
Wind River concerns an Indian Reservation murder. Stars Jeremy Renner.
Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature continues the animated adventures of the little creatures and voiced by Will Arnett.
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