June 26, 2017: Monday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170626
PDF: 20170626

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

First, we’ll have the reading of the minutes from yesterday’s show: 20 minutes after 6:00, 10 minutes before 7:00, 18 minutes after 8:00, and 23 minutes until 9:00.

My new diet allows me to have two large eggs for breakfast. Does anyone know where I can buy ostrich eggs?

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Love never fails….” –1 Corinthians 13:8

“Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see them?” declares the Lord. “Do not I fill heaven and earth?” declares the Lord. — Jeremiah 23:24

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. — Psalm 73:23-26

Thought: In times of confusion, we can take comfort that while we may not understand everything while here on earth (read Psalm 73:1-22), God will be faithful. Everything we have and know here on earth is subject to decay, but our relationship with the LORD is our strength forever. He will not abandon, fail, or forget us.

Prayer: Almighty God, thank you for being with me always, especially in those moments when life is most confusing and my fears most troubling. Please give me faith to not only ask you honest questions, but to also trust you even when things don’t look like they are all that good for those who believe in you. Please help my faith hold firm as I wait for your mighty vindication of your people. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Matthew 6:26 NIV = Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

TODAY IS MONDAY – JUNE 26, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
181 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL STRAWBERRY PARFAIT DAY. ***Strawberry Shortcake’s sweeter cousin.

Today is LOG CABIN DAY. ***Celebrate with syrup or Lincoln Logs! Or use both together for a permanent log cabin structure.

TODAY IS ALSO…

America’s Kids Day
Color TV Day
Day of The Seafarer
Descendants Day
Eid-Al-Fitr
Global Beatles Day
Leon Day
Log Cabin Day
National Catfish Day
Ratha Vatra

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

MONDAY, JUNE 26

International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking
International Day in Support of Victims of Torture
National Canoe Day
Please Take My Children To Work Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 27

Decide To Be Married Day
“Happy Birthday To You” Day
Industrial Workers of The World Day
National HIV Testing Day
National Sunglasses Day
PTSD Awareness Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 28

International Body Piercing Day
National Parchment Cooking Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 29

National Bomb Pop Day
National Hand Shake Day
Drive Your Corvette to Work Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 30

Drive Your Corvette to Work Day
Leap Second Time Adjustment Day
National Meteor Watch Day
NOW (National Organization For Women) Day
Social Media Day

SATURDAY, MAY 01

Canada Day
Estee Lauder Day
Hop A Park Day
International Day of Cooperatives
International Cherry Pit Spitting Day
National GSA Employee Day
National Postal Workers Day
Second Half of The Year Day
U.S. Postage Stamp Day
Zip Code Day

SUNDAY, MAY 02

I Forgot Day
Made In The USA Day
World UFO Day

MONDAY, MAY 03

Compliment Your Mirror Day
Earth at Aphelion
International Plastic Bag Free Day
Stay Out Of The Sun Day
Superman Day

ON THIS DAY

1819: The bicycle was patented by WK Clarkson, Jr. of New York City. ***But, since no one had patented the chain and lock, he lost the first eight bikes he built.

1830: King George IV of England died at age 67. He was England’s fattest king and most profligate. He ate pigeons—lots of pigeons.

1944: In a unique 6-inning exhibition game to raise money for U.S. War Bonds, the New York Yankees played the Brooklyn Dodgers and the New York Giants. Final score: Dodgers 5, Yankees 1, Giants zip.

1946: The first two-piece brief swimsuit was shown in public. The bikini was worn by a model at a press party. Louis Reard, incidentally, called his creation: “four triangles of nothing.” ***And now it’s down to three triangles. What happened to that rear-end triangle, Louis?

1949: Billboard magazine renamed its “Hillbilly Music Chart” as “Country & Western.”

1974: The first supermarket bar code was swiped on a pack of Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum, in Troy, Ohio. ***Because the CIA insisted on it.

1975: Singers Sonny and Cher Bono finalized their divorce. Four days later Cher married musician Greg Allman. The marriage lasted only nine days. ***She threatened to divorce him as well if he began singing “I Got You Babe.”

1977: Elvis Presley closed his concert at Market Square Arena in Indianapolis with “Can’t Help Falling In Love With You.” It was his last concert. He died seven weeks later.

1980: Frances Haskell died at age 89. In 1930 she was the first female Texas Ranger.

1981: Virginia Campbell of Mountain Home, Idaho, took her coupons and rebates and bought $26,460 worth of groceries. She paid only 67 cents. She would have received a refund of $12.97, but she decided to get film and flashbulbs after the bill was totaled.

1985: Philadelphia Phillies organist Wilbur Snapp played “Three Blind Mice” following a call by umpire Keith O’Connor. O’Connor was not amused and Snapp was ejected from the game. ***But not before playing The Beatles’ “Help!” while being dragged out of the box.

1989: Canada updated its coins with a new likeness of Queen Elizabeth. ***The new coins are lighter than the previous ones because of all the wrinkles they had to add.

1990: Phoenix recorded an official high temperature of 120 degrees. The next day it would reach 122. ***Which is almost as hot as it is in the on-air studio right now. Close… but not quite.

1991: Francis Johnson’s world record 8.7-ton ball of twine, which he had been building since 1950, was moved to a prominent place in downtown Darwin, Minnesota, where more people could see it. ***Right… because I’m sure there was a tremendous public outcry that they couldn’t see more string.

1992: Female temperance patrols in India’s state of Manipur reported they had grown to 30,000 members and were successful in reducing male drinking problems, which had led to wife-beating and unemployment. The women captured drinkers, tied them naked to a donkey, and paraded them through town. And promised to do it again if they kept drinking. ***So the donkeys promised to stop. (audio clip)

1998: A Canadian student took a store mannequin to his prom. ***This fall he and the mannequin will celebrate another anniversary together.

1999: A 2-year-old rooster named Henry crowed 42 times in 30 minutes to win 46th annual Rooster Crow in Rogue River, Oregon. The record 112 crows was 7set by a rooster named White Lightning in 1978.

2003: Strom Thurmond, the longest-serving senator in U.S. history, died in Edgefield, South Carolina, at age 100. He had been a U.S. senator for 47 years.

2003: A 24-year-old man in Fort Myers, Florida, facing 30 years in prison for allegedly selling cocaine, left court during his trial and never returned. He missed out on the jury’s innocent verdict.

2007: A Washington State trooper arrested two men for speeding on I-5 in Snohomish County. The trooper said the 2005 BMW 330i and the 2007 Honda Accord sounded like an airplane whizzing by at 141 miles an hour. He caught up to the pay when they stopped to let a passenger switch cars. Both drivers were jailed on reckless driving charges.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1097: The armies of the First Crusade (1096-99) occupied the ancient Byzantine city of Nicea.

1515: William Tyndale is licensed with his MA. He places the Bible above philosophy making an English translation of God’s word which becomes the basis the Authorized version.

1702: Birth of Philip Doddridge, an English Nonconformist clergyman. Doddridge authored 370 hymn- texts, of which ‘O Happy Day That Fixed My Choice’ is still sung today.

1839: Scottish clergyman and missionary Robert Murray McCheyne wrote in a letter: “Joy is increased by spreading it to others.”

1892: Birth of Pearl S. Buck, American Presbyterian missionary to China and author of the 1931 best-seller, The Good Earth.

1932: Edith Seville and Francis Schaeffer both rise to refute Unitarian, end up marrying. The two become evangelists to intellectuals. Francis will team up with Dr. C. Everett Koop to produce the film series:  Whatever Happened to the Human Race?

1955: The first Southern Baptist congregation was formally organized in Las Vegas, with 33 charter members. It was the second Southern Baptist church established in Nevada.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“Grace Under Fire”, “8 Simple Rules”, Galaxy Quest) Kaitlin Cullum 31

  • actor (Batman & Robin, “The Practice”, “Grey’s Anatomy”, “NCIS: Los Angeles”) Chris O’Donnell 47 (audio clip)

  • actor Sean Hayes (“Will and Grace”, The Bucket List, The Three Stooges) 47 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1893 : Big Bill Broonzy

1910 : Colonel Tom Parker

1940 : Billy Davis, Jr. (The 5th Dimension)

1943 : Georgie Fame

1955 : Mick Jones (The Clash)

1956 : Chris Isaak

1957 : Patti Smith

1959 : Stef Burns (Huey Lewis and the News)

1961 : Terri Nunn (Berlin)

1967 : Mark Decloedt (EMF)

1968 : Colin Greenwood (Radiohead)

1973 : Gretchen Wilson

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Just how dead is the Dead Sea?

It’s pretty obvious that a real estate developer did not name this body of water between Jordan and Israel. Imagine trying to sell beachfront property with that moniker! The Dead Sea is so called because of the high salt content of its waters. That spells instant death for fish that happen to wander in, as they occasionally do from the Jordan River. In fact it kills most animal and plant life–with the exception of tourists, who love the property of the salt water that makes it so easy to float on. Bacteria survive in the Dead Sea, though, as do brine shrimp and a class of plants called halophytes that love salt water. So it’s not entirely dead, although not exactly a wild and crazy place, either.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett: I tried on some overalls today and found out I’m shaped much like a minion.

Casting Crowns Juan Devevo probably should stick to music. He posted: how irresponsible is putting a lawn mower blade on an edger?

Speaker and author Anita Renfroe has a question: Is it possible to drink so much caffeine that you can kinda feel your liver jumping?

Brandon Heath: Don’t believe the lies in your head. Give God your Whole Heart and see the healing he can do! Share with somebody who could use some encouragement today!

Switchfoot will be celebrating two decades of ministry in 2017. Members of the band posted over the weekend: Happy Anniversary to The Legend Of Chin (our first album)! Stay tuned to find out how we’re celebrating the past two decades later this year… https://twitter.com/switchfoot/status/876092514188500992/photo/1

Jamie Grace is giving her drum set away. In her latest Jamie Grace show video Jamie talks about a recent trip to Taco Bell and also announces the giveaway of her drum set. https://youtu.be/4Ye-ph11yCw

Steven Curtis Chapman is celebrating 100,000 fans on instagram. He posted: To celebrate all 100,000 of you for following along here on Instagram, we are giving away a signed copy of “Between Heaven and the Real World”, an SCC T-Shirt, and a limited edition “Between Heaven and the Real World” coffee mug! To sign up visit https://www.instagram.com/p/BVnphbzBPGD/

Tauren Wells is out with a preview of his new album Hills and Valleys. The new project released last week but, before purchasing it, you can check out Tauren’s 12 minute overview of the new CD. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-CNAEeWw4M&feature=youtu.be

Third Day guitarist Mark Lee took the family to visit an Internet sensation this week. Mark and his family met April the Giraffe on World giraffe Day. April gained fame when thousands watched and waited for her to give birth on a live video feed. #worldgiraffeday #thatsreallyathing https://twitter.com/thirdday/status/877641940728135681/photo/1

Jason Crabb can now add the title of “Reverend” to his resume. According to CCM Magazine, he officiated the wedding of his drummer Neiman Davis to Rachel Johnson in Lebanon, TN. http://bit.ly/CCMpics-617b2

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Johnny Depp, speaking onstage Thursday at Glastonbury Festival in Somerset, England, said this about President Trump: “This is going to be in the press and it’ll be horrible. But I like that you’re all a part of it. When was the last time an actor assassinated a president?” ***Of all the bandwagons you could’ve chosen to jump on, you chose the career-destroying Kathy Griffin one?

President Trump was recorded on video recently driving his golf cart over a well-manicured green at his New Jersey golf course. Driving onto greens is considered a serious faux pas among golfers. ***Then he started making bets with other golfers on the course and cranked up Journey’s “Any Way You Want It” on the stereo installed in his golf bag.

Cher is blaming Nancy Pelosi for that loss in Georgia the other night. ***She’s had two failed marriages, a variety show, a daughter who had a sex change operation… so obviously she’s the right person to listen to when it comes to political analysis.

A faculty adviser at Vista Murrieta High School in Southern California has been fired after it came to light that the adviser had rigged the election for class president. ***Vladimir Putin has refused to return calls from reporters.

North Korea says that President Trump is a “psychopath” who may launch a preemptive strike against them to distract from his problems at home. ***Pot… meet Kettle.

According to a new survey, the #1 thing most Americans want to do on their vacations: nothing. ***Hey, good news! I’m actually offering Marlar House vacation packages starting at $1,000 per person where you can stay in my basement for a week and do… nothing! The perfect vacation! Don’t talk to your travel agent – just email me directly.

Well it appears Mr. Kim Jong Un is just as insecure as the rest of us – and is self-conscious about his body – specifically, his ears. North Korea has strangely taken to photoshopping its leader’s ears, which a pair of non-proliferation experts picked up on. Dave Schmerler of the James Martin Center for Nonproliferation Studies and Jeffrey Lewis of the Middlebury Institute of International Studies at Monterey say they’ve noticed several photos in which editing specifically targets Kim’s ears. As Lewis puts it, “He doesn’t like his ears, or so it seems.” This cosmetic alteration and others like it are likely designed “to help Kim look a bit more handsome than he is in real life,” Lewis says. His ears aren’t Kim’s greatest cause for distress, apparently. The chairman of South Korea’s parliamentary intelligence committee says Kim is limiting public appearances and travel over fears that there’s a plot to cut his head off, per the Korea Herald. ***Hey, you can do THAT with PhotoShop too!

A Texas woman has had 8 surgeries so far, with her goal — to look like Melania Trump. ***I would make a comment about how stupid this is, but I’m just glad someone is not trying to look like a Kardashian.

The median age for Americans has risen to 38 years old. ***Hey, I’m above average!

Burger King has started serving Lucky Charms milkshakes made with ice cream, syrup, marshmallows and Lucky Charms cereal. ***They’re free if you can prove you’re a real leprechaun.

In Shelton, Connecticut, 33-year-old Lance Churchill would do well to choose his battles a little more wisely. He’s facing charges after police said he got into an altercation with a 5-year-old – yes, a 5-year-old. This went down last Friday at the Apple Tree daycare. Churchill was visiting for a Father’s Day party where all of the children’s fathers were invited. Police say a child “playfully took the Father’s Day card that Churchill received from his son and ran around the room with it.” That’s when Churchill, who is 6 feet 4 inches tall and weighs 270 pounds, chased after the child, picked him up over his head, and then pinned him to the ground and screamed at him. Daycare staff took the child away from Churchill and called the police. When officers arrived Churchill allegedly “wanted the 5-year-old boy arrested.” Instead, they arrested Mr. Churchill and charged him with risk of injury to a minor and disorderly conduct. ***Next time, pick on somebody your own size, Lance.

Good news Oregon – your fresh meat supply just became more plentiful! Thanks to a new bill passed overwhelmingly by the Legislature and signed by the governor, motorists who crash into animals can now harvest the meat to eat. Yep, it’s now legal to eat roadkill in Oregon! ***That’s right Oregonians, you’ll never again have to worry about running out of possum in your freezer!

Amazon is launching its own fashion service allowing people to try clothes for a week before buying. ***That’s great, because I could use some new underwear.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The next time your spouse hides out in front of the TV instead of helping with chores, you might want to share this with him or her. Researchers (University of Missouri, Brigham Young University, Utah State University) found that married couples are happier if they share household responsibilities. The researchers surveyed 160 couples married for an average of five years with at least one child under age five. ***So we’ll be happier if I pick up some household chores? Hmmm… I don’t think I want to risk that.

So what do men obsess about the most? A British survey of men says they are just as body-obsessed as women. Remember when a man’s middle-aged gut was a symbol of his manliness? Not anymore. Fully one-third of men said they hated their fat tummies and 25 percent had issues with their entire bodies. ***I had an opinion on this… but then I looked in the mirror, so I have no comment.

Secondhand smoke kills more than 600,000 people worldwide every year, according to a recent study. In the first look at the global impact of secondhand smoking, researchers analyzed data from last year for 192 countries. They found 40 percent of children and more than 30 percent of non-smoking men and women regularly breathe in secondhand smoke. ***Because second-hand smoke is so dangerous, the FDA is now requiring graphic warning-labels be placed on the foreheads of all smokers.

Is eating organic food, which costs more, really better for me? Stanford University doctors dug through reams of research to find out – and concluded there’s little evidence that going organic is much healthier, citing only a few differences involving pesticides and antibiotics. Eating organic fruits and vegetables can lower exposure to pesticides, including for children – but the amount measured from conventionally grown produce was within safety limits. Nor did the organic foods prove more nutritious. ***But it is a lot more expensive, so it has that going for it.

A recent poll shows that inactivity is kids’ biggest health problem. ***Don’t worry though, I’m sure they’re already making an app for that.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAYS EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were terrified and began to panic after coming across something they’d never seen before in the jungle – they found five giant footprints to a terrible, awful, disgusting, ugly, smelly, terrifying creature! Maybe. Unfortunately, nobody’s really seen the creature itself.

CLOSE: Maybe Nozzles is right… we really don’t know what made the footprints – or even if they’re real! Right now we’re just scared of stuff we’re imagining! Just imagine what will happen next… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

There are two options in life… dying, or living with lawyers.

Today’s Moment of Duh shows us that committing suicide isn’t always as easy as it sounds. A Hong Kong woman jumped from the roof of a building in an attempt to kill herself. She failed though, and landed on a car. Now that car’s owner is suing the lady for $25,700 – the damages to the car. As if that’s not strange enough, the lady is now saying she won’t pay for the damages because the guy was illegally parked, and if he had not been parked there she would be dead now.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD’VE LEFT OUT OF YOUR RESUME

10. Your self awarded PhD from The School Of Hard Knocks

9. The fact that you’re a level fourteen Paladin with a mighty Vorpal blade.

8. Honors: Voted Most Likely to be on “Cops” – Class of 1997

7. Letter of recommendation from your 3rd grade teacher.

6. Solitaire Champion of 2002.

5. The decorative butterfly stickers you added “for effect”.

4. Excellent with that thingie, the one with the bits and the noise.

3. Fluent in Klingon and currently studying Wookie.

2. Leadership Rolls: Used to be the head French-fry guy.

1. World record holder for high score on Minesweeper.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Why would anyone WANT a plaster cast?

FILE #1: Ernest G. Johnson was recently arrested in Shreveport, Louisiana, for what we can only describe as an out of control plaster cast fetish. Posing as an insurance company employee, he was caught roaming the corridors at LSU Hospital, sneaking photographs of women wearing casts. One police detective said, “It’s like all he wants is to be in the presence of a woman with a cast on and have her attention.”

FILE #2: It was a dream come true for 2 little old ladies who took a trip to Memphis, Tennessee to honor Elvis. After taking the Graceland tour, they went to get a bite to eat. They stopped at a local shopping area and were quickly approached by a man who demanded their purses. Not missing a beat – they beat him senseless with their purses causing the guy to fall down and break his ankle. Since he could not run off, he instead used his cell phone to call 911 for help. The police came and arrested him as he was curled up in the corner while the old ladies held him down by sitting on him.

FILE #3Thieves in the UK broke into the car of a shoe salesman and took off with 80 of today’s most fashionable shoes. The key there is that they took off with 80 shoes — not 40 pairs. The salesman was carrying around single samples of new shoe designs — not a pair among them. The bungling burglars got away with 80 right-footed shoes. Police officer Stuart Elford said, “They must have been hopping mad when they found out.”

STRANGE LAW: Bowling is forbidden in Evanston, IL.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

In Wadsworth, Ohio, firefighters hit the crime-busting jackpot while dousing a fire in a new home.

It did seem strange that the guy believed to be the owner suddenly took off while they were still battling the blaze. Then it all made sense — as soon as they found the $700,000 worth of marijuana plants in the basement. A total of 239 plants were found but that’s not the only crime here. The special marijuana-cultivating system, with special plant-growing lights, was wired to the home’s electrical system in a way that bypassed the meter. Police are now looking for the owner who bought the place just under a month ago.

PHONER PHUN

The guy who cuts my hair was telling me that he bought some gorgeous wheels for a classic car that he’s always wanted to own. Not the car mind you, just the wheels. He bought wheels to a car he doesn’t even own! What’s the most unusual thing YOU ever bought on E-Bay?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What is the only gospel to mention Jesus’ riding on a donkey?
ANSWER: Matthew (Matthew 21:1-9)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What everyday office item was invented in 1899 by Norwegian, John Vaaler?

ANSWER: The paperclip

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. (True)

2. There is about 1/4 pound of salt in every gallon of seawater. (True)

3. Blondes have more hair than dark haired people do. (True)

4. Six ounces of orange juice contains the minimum daily requirement for vitamin C. (True)

5. A famous 19th century bullfighter, Lagarijo, killed 867 bulls in his career. (False – he killed 4,867!)

6. Abraham Lincoln’s mother died when she drank milk. (True, the milk of a cow that grazed on poisonous snakeroot)

7. Adolf Hitler wanted to be an architect. (True, but he failed the entrance exam at the architectural school in Vienna)

8. After the death of the genius, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, his brain was removed by a pathologist and put in a jar for future study. (False – that was Albert Einstein)

9. Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned his wife or mother. (True, because they were both deaf.)

10. Astronaut Neil Armstrong’s mother’s maiden name was “Moon.” (False – but Buzz Aldrin’s mother’s maiden name was! Buzz was the second man to step onto the Moon in 1969.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

STUDY PROVES MOST _______ ARE DWARFS! (ALIENS)

Most aliens who visit Earth are dwarfs who stand less than 4 feet tall! So says physicist David Webb.

Dr. Webb analyzed nearly 2,000 close encounters and found that aliens fall into three classes.

“Most numerous are those in the dwarf class,” he said. “Generally, they wear helmets and metallic reflecting suits. Very often they are seen in pairs gathering samples from the ground and trees. They don’t generally communicate with humans.”

The second group is comprised of human-like beings from 5 to 6 feet tall, said Dr. Webb.

“They are seen in groups of three or more and involved in the so-called abduction cases. There is often communication with humans.”

In the final category are the giants that appear to be at least 7 feet tall, he said.

“All of these classes of aliens tend to wear one-piece coveralls or jumpsuits that are tight-fitting all the way down to the hands,” continued Dr. Webb.

“Not too many carry weapons but generally these extraterrestrials tend to control the situation.

“Sometimes a witness is paralyzed by an apparent ray gun device,” he said. “But often he’s just paralyzed without any obvious weapon.”

Dr. Webb found that of the nearly 2,000 cases:

26 percent involved aliens seen entering or leaving a UFO.

17 percent involved aliens observed in a UFO.

17 percent involved an alien near a spacecraft.

16 percent involved seeing an alien but not a UFO.

10 percent involved witnesses who were actually taken aboard a UFO.

7 percent involved an alien seen in the area where UFO sightings have previously occurred.

2 percent involved communication with the alien.

The remaining 5 percent don’t fit into any categories.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?” The judge said that was true.

“Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.

The judge thought for a moment, and replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man then proceeded to look directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”

JOKE #2

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

“Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?”

The woman replied, “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

JOKE #3

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

“Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?”

USELESS FACTS

Another word for hiccups is “singultus.”

A study in New Zealand found that older people could live longer, healthier lives if they just took a walk and drank a glass of chocolate milk every day.  ***Dang, I have to walk too?

FEATURED FUNNIES

SUSPENDED STOVE

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest. No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place – 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location – it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

“Fascinating,” said the psychologist. “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb.”

“Nonsense!” replied the engineer. “The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.”

“With all due respect,” interrupted the theologian, “I’m sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries.”

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. “I had plenty of wire, but not much stove pipe.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

BAD DAY?

And you think you have it tough driving in rush hour traffic… imagine being caught on the outside of a train and dragged through a tunnel!

A man in Calcutta went on a terrifying train ride when train doors slammed shut before he could get into the train, grabbing his arms while leaving him on the outside. People inside the train held his arms while the train, traveling at about 30 MPH, went through the tunnel between the two stations, with everyone fearing he would be bashed against the tunnel walls during the horrifying 3 minute ride. The emergency alarm knob was not functioning. And why didn’t the conductor see the man hanging from the train when it was about to leave the station? Seems some incompetent camera installer placed the cameras incorrectly so the conductor could only see part of the train. The people on the train were incensed and heckled and attacked the train driver at the next stop, prompting the union to strike, on the spot, demanding ”safety at work.” The three hour strike ended when officials promised to post police on all the platforms and near booking counters. ***MARLAR: So, how was your commute to work?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

DIRECTIONS TO HIS HOUSE

1. Make a Right onto “Believeth Boulevard.”

2. Keep straight and go through the Green Light, which is Jesus Christ.

3. From there, you must turn onto the “Bridge of Faith,” which is over troubled water.

4. When you get off the bridge, make a Right turn and Keep Straight.

5. You are on the “King’s Highway” – Heaven-bound.

6. Keep going for three miles: One mile for the Father, One for the Son, and One for the Holy Ghost.

7. Then, exit off onto “Grace Blvd.”

8. From there, make a Right turn on “Gospel Lane.”

9. Keep Straight and then make another Right on “Prayer Boulevard.”

10. As you go on your way, Yield Not to the traffic on “Temptation Avenue.”

11. Also, AVOID “Sin Street” because it is a dead end.

12. Pass up “Envy Drive.”

13. Also, pass “Hypocrisy Street,” “Gossiping Lane,” and “Backbiting Boulevard,” but you have to go down “Long-suffering Lane,” “Persecution Boulevard,” and “Trials and Tribulations Avenue.”

14. But that’s alright, because VICTORY Boulevard is straight ahead!

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Have you ever seen a situation that you wanted to help with, but figured that you, as one person, couldn’t really make a difference? That’s what a man named Hur thought.

How often have you thought or said, “But I’m just one person. Will this little act for God, which is all I am able to do, really make a difference to anyone?” Have you decided, “This is an impossible situation; there’s no way I can help”?

While camping at a place called Rephidim, the Israelites were attacked by the Amalekites. While the Israelite army, led by Joshua, went out to do battle, Moses climbed to the top of a hill and held up his hands to God. As long as Moses’ hands were raised, the battle went the Israelites’ way; whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning (Exodus 17:11).

After a while, the inevitable happened. Moses grew tired. Picture the scene in your mind. The man standing on the mountain, gazing up at the heavens, his tired arms falling to his side in spite of himself. Down in the valley, the weary Israelite army was feeling the battle slowly slipping away from them.

Enter brother Aaron and Hur. They’re not warriors to get out there and fight. They’re not doctors either, and they know of no miracle drug to revive Moses’ strength. But there’s one little thing–something very simple–they can do. Any guesses? Right! They can hold up Moses’ hands for him. And they do. And the Israelites emerge triumphant.

Although Aaron, brother of Moses, is well-known, many have never even heard of Hur. He performed no great deeds, fought no great battles, composed no great songs, and made no great speeches. All he did was hold up Moses’ hand. Such a little thing to do, wasn’t it? But it spelled victory, instead of defeat, for the Israelites.

One person, one word, one deed–like the tiny mustard seed that Jesus spoke of in Matthew 17:20. With God’s transforming power at work, there’s no knowing what mighty deeds can be accomplished by God through our “little” words and deeds. Small acts of kindness, simple words of encouragement or appreciation, a prayer, or even something as simple as holding someone’s hand can accomplish more than you can imagine!

LEFTOVERS

GO FLY A KITE


It was the most terrifying “kite flying story” since Ben Franklin decided to fly a kite in a thunderstorm. Chris Grimes of the UK had a big 10 feet by 4 feet kite that he was flying on a seemingly calm day. That was until the wind picked up! Following a sudden gust of wind, the 17-year-old boy was lifted 25 feet into the air carrying him through air and finally putting him down in another town. At one point Chris almost dropped into a river twenty-feet deep, but managed only to skim the surface. Another gust of wind hoisted him back up, but not before his pants were soaked. In fact, they were so wet and heavy they fell off while he was flying. A relieved Grimes finally landed injury-free safely in another town.

LIFE… LIVE IT

RULES FOR A GREAT MARRIAGE

With divorce rates soaring to more than 50 percent of all marriages, the big question today is: How can we stay together?

Experts agree that the most important factors to a good marriage are communication, a deep commitment and genuine caring. “A great marriage can enrich your life,” write the authors of “12 Hours To A Great Marriage.” The authors, Howard J. Markman, Ph.D., Scott M. Stanley, Ph. D., Susan L. Blumberg, Ph.D., Natalie H. Jenkins and Carol Whiteley, have drawn from their own experiences in wedded bliss at the University of Denver’s Center for Marital and Family Studies to produce an informative, easy to use manual. These are their eight simple rules for a better marriage:

  • Stay Calm — Keep talks constructive, not destructive and accusatory.

  • Take A Time-Out — Fights are easy to start and hard to stop. Yell “peanut butter” or “macaroni” if things get out of hand. That means everyone stops, takes a deep breath and has a good laugh.

  • Speak Clearly — Make statements that reflect your feelings; “I feel hurt. I feel sad.” rather than assuming what your partner thinks “You don’t care. You are selfish.”

  • Listen — State your gripe, then wait for a reply. Repeat the answer to stay on the right track without misinterpretation.

  • Deal With It — Don’t wait for a problem to escalate. Talk about issues when they arise.

  • Have Fun — Sharing leisure time and doing things you both enjoy is important for staying together and being happy.

  • Keep Love Alive — Even if the initial rush of romance has passed, stay connected physically by holding hands and kissing. If you’ve grown apart, discuss what’s gone wrong, then find a way to fix it.

  • Forgive — In any relationship, someone will be hurt. It’s important to say: “I’m sorry” and mean it. Empty words are worthless.

JUST FOR FUN

ARE WE THERE YET?

Where’s the furthest you’ve gone on a road trip? Joey, Josh and Adam, three guys in their 20’s, took on a wild venture: to go on one road trip and hit all 48 contiguous states and never stop (except for gas). Josh’s father was the original planner who mapped the trip and was going to take the challenge himself several years ago. The trip never happened due to the death of his mother shorty before the journey was supposed to begin. And so the baton, or map rather, was passed on to Josh and his two buddies. The world traveled with them on their blog. The trip began in Boston and ended at the Four Corners. To make a very long story short here is what these three guys accomplished in FOUR DAYS:

  • 7,008 Miles

  • Exact time: 106 Hours and 43 Minutes

  • Saw 90 cops

  • And never got pulled over (Wow!)

  • Showers taken: Zero (I guess ya gotta do what ya gotta do.)

FUN LIST

EXCUSES TO EXPLAIN WHY YOU’RE NOT COMING TO WORK TODAY…

  • I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

  • When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t leave the bathroom, but I feel good about it.

  • I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

  • I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

  • The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

  • The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TOP 10 WAYS TO STAY YOUNG



1. Enjoy the simple things in life.

2. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. This gives you a great aerobic workout! Become known for your hearty laugh.

3. Keep company with only cheerful people. Grouches will just drag you down.

4. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, etc. Let your home be your refuge.

5. Keep learning. Keep your brain active by learning new things – like more about the computer, crafts, gardening, etc. An idle brain is the devil’s workshop.

6. Don’t take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next town, a foreign country, but leave the guilt behind.

7. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, seek help.

8. Throw out nonessential numbers – like age, weight, height.

9. Let the tears fall. Grieve when you need to but endure and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.

10. At every opportunity, tell the people you love that you do love them. They need to hear it as much as you need to say it!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

The Savings Experiment discusses the best day and time to go grocery shopping in order to get the lowest prices. When it comes to grocery shopping, we know it’s wise to not to go on an empty stomach, but when should you head to the supermarket to bag the best bargains? Believe it or not, there’s actually one day of the week that’s better than the rest. That’s right, savvy savers. While it may be most convenient for you to shop on the weekends, it’s more economical to tackle your grocery list on Wednesdays. According to Lifehacker, this mid-week day is when many grocery stores release new sale ads, but also honor the previous week’s sales items. That means you’ll have more sale items at your fingertips. MyGroceryDeals.com also confirmed that Wednesday is the best day of the week for grocery shopping. (dailyfinance.com)

A conservative Christian student at a private college in Florida says he was suspended after he opposed his Muslim professor, who said that the crucifixion of Jesus was a hoax. Marshall Polston, a 21-year-old sophomore, was suspended from Rollins College in Winter Park, Fla. In late March for being a “threat of disruption.” http://dlvr.it/NlG9tG

When it’s pizza night and you want the most food for your money, always order a large pie — even if you’re eating alone. NPR reporter Quoctrung Bui did the math so you don’t have to. Bui analyzed 74,476 pizza prices from 3,678 pizza restaurants nationwide to find out how the price of pizza changes with the size of the pie. The bottom line, according to NPR, is that one 16-inch pizza has about the same area as one and one-third 14-inch pizzas or four 8-inch pizzas. It may seem like a 16-inch pizza is twice as large as an 8-inch pizza, but it’s actually four times as big. Since a pizza is a circle, the area increases with the square of the radius. And that is why a larger pizza is a better bargain. A 16-inch pizza costs, on average, about $16.59. To get the same amount of food buying 8-inch pizzas, you would have to buy four pizzas, which will run you $33, on average. That’s pretty much double the price of a 16-inch pizza.

Forget bug sprays that are loaded with near-toxic chemicals. Instead, you can keep mosquitoes out of your yard this summer with garlic. Best of all, you can do this without wearing a necklace of the stinky garlic bulbs. Instead, use a commercial garlic spray on your plants and grass. “There is absolutely no harm and great potential benefit to go out and get a commercial garlic spray and spray it in your backyard,” says Mike McGrath, the garden editor of WTOP News in Washington, DC. Does it stink? McGrath admits that it will make your yard smell like an Italian restaurant for a few hours, but once the garlic spray dries, you won’t smell it. However, the skeeters will. The garlic spray will provide mosquito deterrence for up to 10 days, reports WTOP News. Garlic spray only works on plants and grass. It won’t work on your skin. “If you are just going to be outside, and you want to protect yourself without using the chemical repellent DEET, there is a product based on the lemon-scented herbs,” said McGrath.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” –Fran Lebowitz

“Radio should be approached the same way as everything else – with an idea.  So many run-of-the-mill radio ads tend to be conversations between people talking about the product.  And that’s not an idea.” — Chris Kyme, Creative Director
 (Bang! Agency, Hong Kong)

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JUNE 23, 2017…

Transformers: The Last Knight—You won’t believe this plot. There are humans on present day Earth who have genetic material going back to the time of King Arthur and this could help the war between the shape-shifting robots. Anthony Hopkins is the astronomer who figures things out, while Laura Wembly is the genetic material carrier and Mark Wahlberg is a mechanic. This is a Michael Bay film. “Transformers: The Last Knight:” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Beguiled—Clint Eastwood made a name for himself way back when, as the Civil War soldier who is wounded and cared for by girls at a Southern finishing school. In the new version directed by Sophia Coppola. Colin Farrell has the role of the soldier, while Nicole Kidman, Kirsten Dunst and Elle Fanning care for him. But then, there are emotions that go awry. The mood is dark in this Civil War drama. “The Beguiled” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Bad Batch—Here come cannibals and they have captured a young woman in Texas? It does sound familiar, doesn’t it? Someone comes to the rescue. The cast includes Jason Momoa and Suki Waterhouse. “The Bad Bunch” is rated R. No rating.

JUNE 30, 2017…

Despicable Me 3 is here and oh how fans have waited for a continuation of the animated adventures of Gru, his girls and the Minions.

Amityville: The Awakening and here we go again, with a family moving into a haunted house. What else is new?

The House stars Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler in a film about gambling in the basement.

The Little Hours concerns a man running away from his master and hiding with nuns. Stars Dave Franco.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.