June 27, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20170627
PDF: 20170627

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Today’s show has been altered to fit your tweeters.

I’m against talking dirty on the radio. I’m for saving all those words for when I can’t start my lawn mower.

I had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamed a mad scientist kidnapped (Jock) and cloned him.

We used to be a great country, and we can be again – the instant we get rid of leggings. (And lower-back tattoos.)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it’s in your power to help them. If you can help your neighbor now, don’t say, ‘Come back tomorrow, and then I’ll help you.'” –Proverbs 3:27

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his very soul? — Mark 8:36

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. — Jeremiah 29:13

Thought: God wants us to seek him. In fact, he made us to seek him! Unfortunately, however, we often seek God along with the other things that draw our eye for a moment or two. We must never let anything detract from God having first command of our heart. Only God is worthy of our full devotion.

Prayer: Righteous God and Holy Father, please bless me with an undivided heart, one that seeks you as the first and ordering priority of my life. Forgive me, dear Lord, for letting other things distract my focus from you and interfere with my service to your Kingdom. Fill me with a holy passion for Kingdom matters above all other concerns and interests. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Daniel 6:27 NIV = “He rescues and he saves; he performs signs and wonders in the heavens and on the earth. He has rescued Daniel from the power of the lions.”

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JUNE 27, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
180 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is DECIDE TO BE MARRIED DAY.  ***I’m sure this day is for singles who’ve been debating taking the plunge, but I’d also like to challenge those of you who are already legally married.  Today, start ACTING married.  Make a point of scheduling time to just be with your wife or husband.  No special reason, just to be with them.  Resolve to give your spouse a hug and kiss before you take off in different directions for the day.  First thing when you get home, seek out your spouse and give them another hug and a kiss and tell them you love them.  If you REALLY want to take this seriously and truly decide to be married, go online to www.LoveAndRespect.com and find out how to make your marriage the best it can be.

Today is PG-13 DAY. The PG-13 movie rating was introduced on this date in 1984.  ***Nowadays, I think we need more ratings… like PG-15, PG-17, NC-NOBODY…

TODAY IS ALSO…

International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking
International Day in Support of Victims of Torture
National Canoe Day
Please Take My Children To Work Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, JUNE 27

Decide To Be Married Day
“Happy Birthday To You” Day
Industrial Workers of The World Day
National HIV Testing Day
National Sunglasses Day
PTSD Awareness Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 28

International Body Piercing Day
National Parchment Cooking Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 29

National Bomb Pop Day
National Hand Shake Day
Drive Your Corvette to Work Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 30

Drive Your Corvette to Work Day
Leap Second Time Adjustment Day
National Meteor Watch Day
NOW (National Organization For Women) Day
Social Media Day

SATURDAY, MAY 01

Canada Day
Estee Lauder Day
Hop A Park Day
International Day of Cooperatives
International Cherry Pit Spitting Day
National GSA Employee Day
National Postal Workers Day
Second Half of The Year Day
U.S. Postage Stamp Day
Zip Code Day

SUNDAY, MAY 02

I Forgot Day
Made In The USA Day
World UFO Day

MONDAY, MAY 03

Compliment Your Mirror Day
Earth at Aphelion
International Plastic Bag Free Day
Stay Out Of The Sun Day
Superman Day

TUESDAY, MAY 04

Boom Box Parade Day
Fourth of July or Independence Day
Independence From Meat Day
Indivisible Day

ON THIS DAY

1833: Prudence Crandall was arrested in Canterbury, Connecticut, for operating an academy for black women. Prudence was white.

1859: Schoolteacher Mildred Hill of Louisville, Kentucky, composed the melody to the song “Good Morning to You.” Her sister Patty wrote the lyrics. The stanza “Happy Birthday to You” was added in 1924, eight years after Mildred’s death.

1950: An 8-pound bear cub that had been seriously burned three weeks earlier in a New Mexico forest fire left for the National Zoo in Washington where he lived to the ripe old bear age of 26. Originally named Hot Foot Teddy by the firemen who saved his life, he became better known as Smokey the Bear.

1962: Former IBM salesman H. Ross Perot took $1,000 and founded Electronic Data Systems in Dallas.

1963: Vice-President Lyndon Johnson’s beagles, Him and Her, were born.

1977: In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that lawyers could advertise.

1984: Doug Domokos did a non-stop wheelie for 145 miles on the Alabama Speedway at Talladega on his Honda XR 500 motorcycle. He stopped when he ran out of gas.

1988: At age 35, singer Cyndi Lauper received her high school diploma from Richmond High in New York City. ***That’s almost as long as it took for (OTHER JOCK) to get his!

1993: New York Met pitcher Anthony Young lost his 24th straight game, a major league record.

1995: Controversial bullfighter Jesulin de Ubrique was recovering after being gored twice in Burgos, Spain. Ubrique had created an uproar among serious bullfight fans by fighting on his knees before all-female audiences. He apparently was gored while trying to kiss a bull’s horns.

1999: A 29-year-old woman was arrested in Grafton, Ohio for domestic violence and resisting arrest. After her husband allegedly stayed online several nights until 4:00 a.m. chatting with other women, she hacked his computer to pieces with a meat clever. She pleaded no contest and was fined $200. ***That’s right – she was arrested for computer hacking.

2001: A man confessed to robbing a motel in Fargo, North Dakota, because his internet research said it had the safest jail in America. The man had traveled from Florida to claim he had a bomb in his Winnie the Pooh backpack. The robber told police he was a habitual criminal and wanted to go to prison for life.

2005: A 27-year-old man was charged with disorderly conduct in Devils Lake, North Dakota, after driving an electric-powered shopping cart around a grocery store while drunk, driving into people and nearly knocking them down. Witnesses told police the man was actually driving after people. No one was hurt.

2005: Who is the oldest baseball player to hit a grand slam home run in the major leagues? Julio Franco of the Atlanta Braves hit his eighth grand slam on this date to help the Braves knock off the Florida Marlins. He was 46 years old, already the oldest player in major league history to have a two-homer game, and the oldest in the last 96 years to steal a base.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

444: Cyril, patriarch of Alexandria and author of several writings on the dual natures of Christ, dies. He opposed Nestorius, who supposedly taught there were two separate persons in the Incarnate Christ, one divine and the other human.

1736: George Whitfield preaches his first sermon.

1865: Hudson Taylor establishes the China Inland Mission, one of the most successful mission ventures in history.

1933: James Mountain, English revivalist/hymnwriter (“Like a River Glorious”), dies.

1940: The USSR returns to the Gregorian calendar after its experimental atheistic calendar fails.

1978: The Moscow Seven, Siberian believers, take refuge at the US embassy in Moscow. This was not the first such instance, but earlier occupations lasted only a few hours.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress Madilyn Sweeten (“Everybody Loves Raymond”) 26 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Spider-Man flicks, Wonder Boys, Seabiscuit) Tobey Maguire, 42

  • Actress (“Designing Women”, “Newhart”) Julia Duffy, 66 (audio clip)

  • Former presidential candidate and big-eared mega-rich guy, H. Ross Perot, 87

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1925 : Doc pomus

1945 : Bruce Johnston (The Beach Boys)

1951 : Gilson Lavis (Squeeze)

1959 : Lorrie Morgan

1961 : Margo Timmins (Cowboy Junkies)

1976 : Leigh Nash (Sixpence None the Richer)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do graduates wear those strange square caps with their gowns?

Those mortarboards are modeled after the biretta, a similar cap worn by church officials in the Middle Ages to symbolize their knowledge, experience and high place. With an optimism that borders on religious faith, the mortarboard states that the graduate has reached a similar point in life. The square cardboard was added to the top to keep the biretta’s high crown from flopping on the grad’s face – I guess so it’s easier for Grandma to get good camera shots. Now here’s what I really think: Like the beanies sported by fraternity pledges, those silly-looking mortarboards are worn by people pledging adulthood. Of course, once you get in, it ain’t near as much fun as you were promised it would be, the only food fights you are allowed to participate in are the ones your own kids start and you’re required to put a stop to, and working at a job is worse than cramming for finals. Go out into the world? Not me!

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

NOTE: THIS FEATURE WILL BE TAKING A BREAK IN JULY – NEW STORIES WILL RETURN IN AUGUST IF THE CREATOR OF THIS FEATURE DECIDES TO CONTINUE.

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Steven Curtis Chapman finally has his father’s day present and he says they may be his favorite shoes ever. Steven posted a picture of the Charlie Brown shoes given to him by his daughters and wife. They even have the words Good Grief printed on the tongue. https://www.instagram.com/p/BVnNphMhn45/

Something to look forward to from Brandon Heath. He posted: I’m writing a 5 part Whole Heart devotional series just for you. Get each one delivered directly to your inbox. http://brandonheath.net

Jonny Diaz says he’s getting old and this is how he knows it; Jonny posted: I talked to Miley Cyrus and her mom in a furniture store. I recognized her mom from HGTV, but not Miley.

Plumb posted on Instagram that her two youngest were both taking music lessons. She said she had a specific to-do list while they were busy. However, it had only one item: take a nap. https://www.instagram.com/p/BVk5HGdB9P5/

Jamie Grace is one of several Christian artists asked to write an essay for the book, What Did Jesus Ask? in partnership with Time magazine. Along with Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith, Lecrae and other leaders who often speak passionately about their Faith, Jamie shared her heart and her story. She added: such a cool thing being able to share about the most significant aspect of my life! https://www.instagram.com/p/BViUEGih5YH/

Third Day member Mac Powell says he and his daughter love being on camera but his wife isn’t as fond of the experience. Mac posted a picture in front of the security camera in Target. He caught the image onscreen with his daughter as he wife dove for cover. https://www.instagram.com/p/BVipzGnF_KY/

Jonny Diaz didn’t let a little thing like rain ruin his golf outing. He posted a picture as he and a friend hit golf balls from inside his home and said: When your golf outing gets rained out, you improvise. https://www.instagram.com/p/BVf6VzhASni/

Question of the day from Shane and Shane: What little idiosyncrasy do you love most about your church?

For King and Country was one man down while in Virginia over the weekend. Joel says his brother Luke was taking some time off. He posted: pray for Luke and Courtney’s baby, which could potentially be born quite soon! https://www.instagram.com/p/BVquyMNgWWa/

Third Day front man Mac Powell has found his twin. The Third Day road pastor, Nigel James, posted a picture of film star Bradley Cooper over the weekend and added: Looks like Mac Powell playing right-handed!! https://twitter.com/NigelJames3d/status/878323617339133954

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

For decades a 55-year-old woman in China has had appetite for dirt. Her unusual habit began some 50 years ago when she got a taste while cleaning the family home. She estimates she’s eaten 5 tons of dirt. ***Even worse, it’s Chinese dirt – meaning 20 minutes later you’re hungry to eat more of it.

A book of short stories titled Forty Minutes Late has been returned to a San Francisco library — 100 years late. Webb Johnson returned the book Friday. There was no fine. Johnson’s great grandmother had checked it out in 1917. She passed away a week before the due date. Johnson found the 1909 book in an old steamer trunk in 1996. ***So maybe it wasn’t Great-Grandma’s fault since she died before it was due – but you found the book I 1996 and are just now returning it – 21 years after you FOUND it?

An associate professor of English at an Ontario university lent her copy of a textbook to one of her students five years ago and never saw it again. That is, until she recently ordered a used replacement copy on Amazon … and her old copy arrived, complete with her name and the date written in her handwriting on the title page! Eugenia Zuroski said, “I was stunned!” She notes that it’s particularly “uncanny” because the book is “about shopping practices and how consumer markets encourage us to feel closely attached to the things we buy.” (Mashable) ***Good thing she was an English teacher and not teaching Ethics – seeing as her student just stole her book and sold it online.

A toddler in Massachusetts survived a two-story fall from a building last Wednesday thanks to his stuffed animal. The two-year-old boy of Chelsea was jumping on his bed when a hop sent him out his home window. Luckily, the boy was holding a large stuffed cow during the fall. He landed on the toy, which provided a cushion between him and the concrete sidewalk. ***I had a cow save my life once – I was starving but found a McDonald’s just in time to grab a cheeseburger. http://fxn.ws/2tUhQb1

Despite experiencing the hottest June temperatures in more than 40 years, the head teacher at Isca Academy in Devon, England, told boys shorts were not an acceptable part of the school uniform. However, she didn’t ban skirts – so guess what happened next? Yep, dozens of boys at the secondary school turned up in skirts that they had borrowed from friends or siblings. One teen described the feeling as a “nice breeze” amid the sweltering temperatures. One mother whose 14-year-old son attends the school said, “Children also don’t like injustice. The boys see the female teachers in sandals and nice cool skirts and tops while they are wearing long trousers and shoes and the older boys have to wear blazers.” Boys who wore the school’s regulation tartan skirts did not get into trouble – uh, except for the one who wore his too short. With the protest now spreading to other schools with shorts bans, Mitchell has said she is ready to reconsider the school’s dress code. ***Congratulations, boys – you stood up like real women and fought for equal rights for boys! Girl power!

Ryan Seacrest is still trying to hammer out the final details for him hosting the next incarnation of “American Idol.” The current sticking point is that Ryan wants Executive Producer credit as part of his compensation. Lionel Ritchie won’t supposedly sign on as a judge until Ryan is secured. ***Wait a minute… Lionel Ritchie is still alive?

Kim Kardashian was the top bidder at an auction for a wrist watch once owned by Jackie Kennedy. All it took was $379,000. ***What do you need a watch for, Kimmy? Do you know what also tells time? That phone you keep taking selfies with.

A Florida Lice Treatment Center says that selfies could be one of the major causes of lice with teens. ***I guess lice like to photobomb people’s pics.

Oscar-winning filmmaker Ron Howard is stepping into a galaxy far, far away for the upcoming “Star Wars” Han Solo spin-off movie after the surprise departure of its directors. ***Who would’ve thought that back in 1977 when Star Wars was released in theaters, that the red-head kid on “Happy Days” which was on television at that same time, would be directing a prequel to that movie forty years later? In fact, who knew what a prequel even was back in 1977?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The European Space Agency has suggested that we build a “Noah’s Ark” on the moon, so if the Earth is destroyed by an asteroid or nuclear holocaust, every species of plant and animal will survive. ***Yeah, but they’d be stuck on the MOON… and the moon doesn’t get cable.

According to research from the University of Chicago and the University of California at Santa Barbara, women who are seeking a long-term relationship prefer men who like children, and they are able to discern which men want to become fathers just by looking at their face. ***You can expect to see a lot more plastic surgeons passing out business cards to men now.

According to a recent study, more and more Americans are preferring to attend mega-churches. ***Probably because it’s a lot harder for people to notice if you’re skipping to stay home and watch the big game.

Remember when mom would say, “dry your hair before you go out or you’ll catch a cold?” Well, mom was wrong. Just because you leave your house with your hair wet doesn’t mean you’re going to get sick. The common cold and flu are caused by viruses, not by exposure to cold air or going out with wet hair. ***What you WILL catch, however, is more flack from Mom.

School-age children whose mothers tightly control their diets may be prone to overeating, while those with moms who pressure them to eat tend to be fussy about food, a study finds. A number of studies have found that when parents strictly control their children’s diets — either denying all unhealthy fare or pressuring them to expand their menu choices — kids may be more likely to have less-than-ideal eating habits. ***In other words, the reason I’m so fat is that my mother told me not to eat so much.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAYS EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were scared after finding what appeared to be five giant footprints from an unknown creature! They all began thinking it was a terrible, nasty, filthy, dangerous creature – maybe even a creature who’s favorite food is MONKEYS!

CLOSE: Wow… an “everything must go” sale! Brilliant! It’s going to be a lot easier to run away from a terrifying giant-footed monster if you don’t have to carry all your belongings with you while you’re running! Come to think of it… you can advertise here on the radio station. Just call 555/555-1212… ask for (local Sales Manager)… and we’ll get you started! Oh yeah… and tune in next time, for As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

You’d think it’d be something that’d be covered in Journalism 101: fish don’t have hair, and because of that, they don’t need to be around shampoo.

… apparently a Danish TV reporter missed that point – and has been convicted of animal cruelty for killing a dozen fish with shampoo. A court says Lisbeth Koelster poured dandruff shampoo into a fish tank for a 2004 TV program. The report was supposed to show that some hair products contain toxic chemicals. What it ended up showing is that guppies die when you put shampoo in their tank. A veterinarian reported the reporter to police two days after the show aired. But the case wasn’t heard until last week. Though convicted, the reporter wasn’t fined, because the court said her rights to a speedy trial had been violated.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN RESUME’ BLOOPERS

(“Resumania” is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting’s parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates’ resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here are 10 examples.)

10. “I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.” (And an eye on the “e” section of the dictionary, evidently.)

9. “Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.” (No problem …)

8.  “Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.” (Glad to hear it.)

7. “My compensation should be at least equal to my age.” (And bonuses “tied to” his shoe size?)

6. “I can play well with others.” (We’ll be sure to tell your mommy.)

5. “Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.” (A new twist on work-family balance.)

4. “My salary requirement is $34 per year.” (They say money isn’t everything.)

3.  “Previous experience: Self-employed – a fiasco.” (Definitely to the point.)

2. “I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.” (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

1. “Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.” (We’re glad you’re not bitter.)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Why would anyone WANT a plaster cast?

FILE #1: Ernest G. Johnson was recently arrested in Shreveport, Louisiana, for what we can only describe as an out of control plaster cast fetish. Posing as an insurance company employee, he was caught roaming the corridors at LSU Hospital, sneaking photographs of women wearing casts. One police detective said, “It’s like all he wants is to be in the presence of a woman with a cast on and have her attention.”

FILE #2: It was a dream come true for 2 little old ladies who took a trip to Memphis, Tennessee to honor Elvis. After taking the Graceland tour, they went to get a bite to eat. They stopped at a local shopping area and were quickly approached by a man who demanded their purses. Not missing a beat – they beat him senseless with their purses causing the guy to fall down and break his ankle. Since he could not run off, he instead used his cell phone to call 911 for help. The police came and arrested him as he was curled up in the corner while the old ladies held him down by sitting on him.

FILE #3: Thieves in the UK broke into the car of a shoe salesman and took off with 80 of today’s most fashionable shoes. The key there is that they took off with 80 shoes — not 40 pairs. The salesman was carrying around single samples of new shoe designs — not a pair among them. The bungling burglars got away with 80 right-footed shoes. Police officer Stuart Elford said, “They must have been hopping mad when they found out.”

STRANGE LAW: In Texas, it’s against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

In Wadsworth, Ohio, firefighters hit the crime-busting jackpot while dousing a fire in a new home.

It did seem strange that the guy believed to be the owner suddenly took off while they were still battling the blaze. Then it all made sense — as soon as they found the $700,000 worth of marijuana plants in the basement. A total of 239 plants were found but that’s not the only crime here. The special marijuana-cultivating system, with special plant-growing lights, was wired to the home’s electrical system in a way that bypassed the meter. Police are now looking for the owner who bought the place just under a month ago.

PHONER PHUN

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE ESPECIALLY BRAVE ON THEIR RADIO SHOW…

It’s JOB EVALUATION TIME! Just like every other job I’ve ever had, I receive annual evaluations here at the radio station.  However, what’s great about working here is that it’s not my boss that evaluates me – it’s YOU!  So evaluate away, my friends!  Email your “DJ Job Evaluation” to me at (insert your email address here) and I’ll read it on the air – or call me and give me a live on-the-spot job evaluation! Positive or negative! After all, not all job evaluations are 100% great. Where do I need to improve? What am I doing right? What would you like to hear less or more of?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Hannah was the mother of Samuel. What was the name of Hannah’s husband?
ANSWER: Elkanah (1 Samuel 1:8)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What gem was once considered a charm against drunkenness?

ANSWER: Amethyst – which gets its name from the Greek amethystos – which means “remedy for drunkenness.”

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Paula Abdul used to be a cheerleader for the Kansas City Chiefs. (False – the Los Angeles Lakers)

2. The last thing Elvis Presley ate before he died was a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich. (False, it was four scoops of ice cream and 6 chocolate chip cookies.)

3. Singer Alice Cooper once had a live rat thrown at him during a concert in Toronto. He threw the rat back at the crowd and all the publicity surrounding the incident skyrocketed his singing career. (False – it was a chicken. The rest of it is true though.)

4. The airport in La Paz, Bolivia is the world’s highest airport. (True)

5. Chicago is closer to Moscow than to Rio de Janeiro. (True)

6. If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about eight statute miles away. (False – three)

7. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. (True)

8. The dome on Monticello, Thomas Jefferson’s home, conceals a bowling alley. (False – a billiards room. In Jefferson’s day, billiards was illegal in Virginia.)

9. Female orcas (killer whales) live twice as long as male orcas. (True. The larger numbers of female orcas in a pod are because of the female’s longer lifespan, not because the males have collected a harem.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

Night Watchman Sues Over __________ __________!” (WORKING NIGHTS)
The Weekly World News claims Bernard Kipley was hired to be a night watchman for the Sandover Construction Company – until the company told him that he’d have to work nights. When he refused, he was fired. Kipley sued the company and amazingly, he won. Five minutes after he had been hired, Kipley was informed that he would be working from midnight to 8am. “I said, ‘You’re kidding me, right? I can’t work nights. That’s when all my favorite TV infomercials are on,” Kipley said. When Kipley refused the hours, the company immediately terminated him. Kipley then sued Sandover on the grounds that it discriminated against people who don’t like working nights. Surprisingly, Judge Judy Bench agreed with Kipley. “Just as there’s nothing that says a ‘night watchman’ has to be a ‘man,’ there’s no reason a night watchman can’t work during the day,” ruled the judge.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A man was watching a fisherman at work. The fisherman caught a giant trout but threw it back into the river. Next the fisherman hooked a huge pike and threw it back. Finally, the fisherman caught a little bass. He smiled and put the little bass in his bag.

“Hey,” yelled a guy who was watching. “Why did you throw back a giant trout and a huge pike and then keep a little bass?”

The fisherman yelled back, “Small frying pan.”

JOKE #2

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”

The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”

The owner screams, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!”

The clerk replies, “Of course you can!  Look at him.  He’s too afraid to cough!”

JOKE #3

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser.  He loved money more than just about anything.  Just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen.  When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.  I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”  He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

When he did die, she sat at the ceremony next to her friend.  After the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”  She brought a box over and put it in the casket.  Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.  Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!”

She said, “Listen, I’m a Christian.  I can’t go back on my word.  I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife.  “But I didn’t feel safe walking around with all of that cash, so I just wrote him a check instead.”

USELESS FACTS

A recent study suggests that most of the pain experienced while visiting the dentist actually comes from the painful thoughts you have before ever getting into the chair. ***The rest of the pain comes from being forced to sit listen to instrumental versions of Led Zeplin songs.

A small town south of Hamburg, Germany, has been conducting a test for two years and found that government workers who were allowed to sleep on the job were more efficient that employees who stayed awake. ***Oh, so THAT’S what road workers are doing – they’re being EFFICIENT!

FEATURED FUNNIES

SPORTS

Did you hear about the cross-eyed discus thrower? He didn’t break a lot of records, but he sure kept the crowd alert!

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THE WHOLE TOOTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TOOTH

The good news is Annie McLean’s dog didn’t have cancer. The bad news is the dog was almost put to sleep.

…McLean’s terrier, Robert, was originally diagnosed with cancer by a vet who suggested that the dog be put to sleep. On a hunch, she took the dog to another vet for a second opinion. That doctor correctly diagnosed that Robert didn’t have cancer, just bad teeth! Instead of being destroyed, the animal had to have 12 rotten teeth removed.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

The Bible still has the answers.

Prayer still works.

The Spirit can still move.

God still inhabits praise.

There is still anointed preaching.

There is still anointed singing.

God still pours out blessings.

There’s still room at the cross.

Jesus still loves you.

Jesus still saves.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

VIRUS

READ: 2 Corinthians 10:3-6

Bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. —2 Corinthians 10:5

Some days my computer helps me fly like an eagle. Other times, it bogs me down like a hippopotamus. On “eagle days” I’m grateful for my computer. But there are those “hippo days” when I rue the day I bought one.

Recently I’ve had to contend with a virus that invaded my computer. What bothers me most is that viruses are created maliciously. Bright people who live with a darkness in their lives want to make other people miserable. What’s worse, I permitted the virus to enter my machine by opening what I thought was an innocent e-mail.

Sin resembles a computer virus. Satan wants to destroy Christians by infecting their minds. But the apostle Paul urged the believers at Corinth to bring “every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Just as we let a virus into our computers, we also let darkness into our lives when we open ourselves unthinkingly to the godless messages that permeate our culture. We let down our guard and hardly notice the sin that infects our minds.

But by confessing our sin, reading God’s Word, and praying, we build a firewall, or barrier, to safeguard our minds. With the help of the Spirit, we’ll keep our minds from becoming unwitting hosts for unwanted guests. —Haddon W. Robinson

Heavenly Father, I’m often careless with what I allow to enter my mind. By Your Spirit, please help me to guard my mind today. By Your grace, keep me from situations that wage war on my thought life. Amen.

Guard your thoughts as you would your wallet.

LEFTOVERS

ALLIGATOR WARNING

Planning on spending some time in Florida this summer? Better watch out for the gators!

A caution has been issued in Florida: The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Bay, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.  ***MARLAR: Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Do you think you’re a lousy parent? You’re probably a much better parent than you think you are – we’ll show you how!

Here are 10 reasons you are a better parent than you think you are: (from Parenting)

  • You are the best mommy or daddy in the world for your child – Regardless of what the experts or anyone else says, in your child’s eyes you are their one and only. If you can live up to that kind of love and acceptance, you’ll be happier for it.

  • You trust your gut – Most of us try not to get too worried or upset by the proliferation of news stories about lead-poisoned toys or tragic stories of kidnapped children, but it’s not very easy. When push comes to shove, your gut can be your guide. If you feel more than a tingle of doubt, you’ll do the right thing by your child. You’re wired that way.

  • You give the best love you know how to give – Love isn’t perfect or always kind, but you want to be a good parent and you try every day to be the best parent you know how to be.

  • You feed them every day- Not always meals with enough vegetables or fruit, but you feed them, and you worry about their health. And that makes you a good parent.

  • You smile at them, beam even, and they make you proud – When you smile at your child (and you know you do, often) you are transmitting your love and tenderness. Kids are sponges and they feel every iota of that sweetness.

  • You teach them about wonderful things — You fill their heads with the wishes of childhood — Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and other wonderful creatures. Even if they don’t believe you, their eyes light up with the spark of imagination.

  • You love them unconditionally, even when you don’t like them very much – Most kids know that you love them no matter what. Even when they have tantrums in the grocery store and hit their sister or brother and refuse to eat their dinner. Even then you love them deeply.

  • You comfort them when they’re scared – Monsters, bad dreams, and things that go bump in the night hold no power over the comfort of your arms and your murmured reassurance.

  • You want your child to be happy – Almost more than anything else, you want to see evidence that your child is happy, well-adjusted, and secure. You want this for them more than you want it for yourself.

  • You are their one true love – For so many years, you are your child’s sun, moon, and stars. You are the keeper of their small open hearts, their only one. This essential truth, when fully appreciated, makes parenting the most fulfilling thing you’ll ever do.

JUST FOR FUN

ARE WE THERE YET?

What is the furthest distance you’ve driven for a road trip? The story of Joey, Josh, Adam and their venture is on the way!

What is the furthest distance you’ve gone on a road trip? Joey, Josh and Adam, three guys in their 20’s, took on a wild venture: to go on one road trip and hit all 48 contiguous states and never stop (except for gas). Josh’s father was the original planner who mapped the trip and was going to take the challenge himself several years ago. The trip never happened due to the death of his mother shortly before the journey was supposed to begin. And so the baton, or map rather, was passed on to Josh and his two buddies. The world traveled with them on their blog. The trip began in Boston and ended at the Four Corners. To make a very long story short here is what these three guys accomplished in FOUR DAYS:

  • 7,008 Miles

  • Exact time: 106 Hours and 43 Minutes

  • Saw 90 cops

  • And never got pulled over (Wow!)

  • Highest gas price: $4.15

  • Lowest gas price: $3.45

  • Showers taken: Zero (I guess ya gotta do what ya gotta do.)

FUN LIST

MONEY

  • It can buy a house … But not a home

  • It can buy a bed … But not sleep

  • It can buy a clock … But not time

  • It can buy you a book … But not knowledge

  • It can buy you a position … But not respect

  • It can buy you medicine … But not health

  • It can buy you blood … But not life

  • It can buy you sex … But not love

So you see, money isn’t everything! … It often causes pain and suffering. But because I’m your friend, I want to take away your pain and suffering. Send me all your money, and I will do the suffering for you.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Drop the hamburger – it’s a deadly weapon!

Red meat, the staple of the American diet, could send you to an early grave. The study concluded that Americans 50 and older who eat large amounts of red meat and processed meats, including cold cuts, bacon and hot dogs, face a greater risk of early death from heart disease and cancer. How much is a “large amount” of red meat? It’s not that much at all: one-quarter pound a day or the equivalent of a hamburger. ***MARLAR: I should be dead now.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Ryan Burchett found a message in a bottle last weekend on Little St. Simons in Georgia. The buoyant letter was written 36 years ago and thanks to social media he was able to connect with the original sender. Douglas Stephens sent the bottle afloat off the Atlantic coast of Florida back on June 10, 1981. Burchett found the bottle while fishing with friends in southern Georgia, 40 miles from Fernandina Beach where Stephens set the bottle adrift. http://on.mash.to/2tDnChR

The latest study by Pew Research looks at gun safety and the key responsibilities of gun owners. The study found that the majority of gun owners and non-owners alike agree that it’s essential for gun owners who live with children in the home to talk to their children about gun safety, to take gun safety courses, and to keep all of their guns in a locked place. http://pewrsr.ch/2rWve1Z

Having an American flag waving in your front yard is a great way to show your patriotism — but there is certain protocol you have to follow. With the 4th of July just around the corner, Woman’s Day magazine is out with a quick refresher, the dos and don’ts to displaying the flag. http://wmdy.us/QlMYy93

A federal appeals court upheld Mississippi’s Protecting Freedom of Conscience from Government Discrimination Act on Thursday that is considered one of the broadest religious objections measures enacted by any state. The measure ensures Christians and those who object to same-sex “marriage” will not be forced to violate their sincerely held beliefs. https://www.lifesitenews.com/news/court-upholds-mississippis-strong-religious-freedom-law

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I kid around a lot, because if I didn’t, listening to myself would drive me right up the wall.

I feel so great I may go home and wash MY half of the car.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JUNE 23, 2017…

Transformers: The Last Knight—You won’t believe this plot. There are humans on present day Earth who have genetic material going back to the time of King Arthur and this could help the war between the shape-shifting robots. Anthony Hopkins is the astronomer who figures things out, while Laura Wembly is the genetic material carrier and Mark Wahlberg is a mechanic. This is a Michael Bay film. “Transformers: The Last Knight:” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Beguiled—Clint Eastwood made a name for himself way back when, as the Civil War soldier who is wounded and cared for by girls at a Southern finishing school. In the new version directed by Sophia Coppola. Colin Farrell has the role of the soldier, while Nicole Kidman, Kirsten Dunst and Elle Fanning care for him. But then, there are emotions that go awry. The mood is dark in this Civil War drama. “The Beguiled” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Bad Batch—Here come cannibals and they have captured a young woman in Texas? It does sound familiar, doesn’t it? Someone comes to the rescue. The cast includes Jason Momoa and Suki Waterhouse. “The Bad Bunch” is rated R. No rating.

JUNE 30, 2017…

Despicable Me 3 is here and oh how fans have waited for a continuation of the animated adventures of Gru, his girls and the Minions.

Amityville: The Awakening and here we go again, with a family moving into a haunted house. What else is new?

The House stars Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler in a film about gambling in the basement.

The Little Hours concerns a man running away from his master and hiding with nuns. Stars Dave Franco.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.