Sadly, after so many years, it is time to close down ONAIRprep as well as the audio feature “Daily Dose of Weird News”. I don’t wish to do so, but due to some health issues, I just cannot keep up with the demanding time it takes to put it all together each day. It was fun while it lasted but I need to re-prioritize my life to put other things first and take care of myself and my family.
So, the final day of ONAIRprep will be posted this coming Saturday, June 30th, to finish out the month. The final Daily Dose of Weird News audio feature will be posted Tuesday, June 26th.
You all have paid subscriptions, so you will need to cancel your subscriptions before you they get automatically renewed through PayPal. You can cancel your subscription immediately by unsubscribing through this link: http://ow.ly/ppcI30kF84t. It will require you to sign in to your PayPal account and cancel your subscription so you are not charged again. Do not worry, even if you unsubscribe today you will still be able to get the prep for the remainder of this month along with the prep below via links.
While the service is closing down, I do not want any of you to be at a loss for material – especially as many of you still have time left on your subscriptions. Too make up for that, I have uploaded all of the radio show prep from last year (2017) as well as everything that has been created so far this year (2018) into zip files for you to download and save to your hard drives. All of the ONAIRprep elements I use every single day are there and the only thing that would be different for each date would be the NEW news kickers which, of course, would be outdated – but the EVERGREEN news kickers could still be used for years to come. This gives you 90% of the prep which you can keep forever; just be sure to download these zip files sometime this week before the ONAIRprep portion of my website gets shut down. Here are links to the zip files…
If you would like to have Marie Asner continue to provide movie reviews for your show/station, you can email her directly at firstname.lastname@example.org.
If you have any questions, please let me know. It has been a true privilege to server each and every one of you, and to entertain your listeners through the writing I’ve done over the years. Someday I may be able to come back to this, as I know I’m going to miss it. But it appears God has other plans for me at this time.
Thank you in advance for your understanding, and God bless you, your station, and your listeners.
Sincerely Yours and HIS,
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Today’s show has been altered to fit your tweeters.
I’m against talking dirty on the radio. I’m for saving all those words for when I can’t start my lawn mower.
I had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamed a mad scientist kidnapped (Jock) and cloned him.
We used to be a great country, and we can be again – the instant we get rid of lower-back tattoos.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it’s in your power to help them. If you can help your neighbor now, don’t say, ‘Come back tomorrow, and then I’ll help you.'” –Proverbs 3:27
What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his very soul? — Mark 8:36
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. — Jeremiah 29:13
Thought: God wants us to seek him. In fact, he made us to seek him! Unfortunately, however, we often seek God along with the other things that draw our eye for a moment or two. We must never let anything detract from God having first command of our heart. Only God is worthy of our full devotion.
Prayer: Righteous God and Holy Father, please bless me with an undivided heart, one that seeks you as the first and ordering priority of my life. Forgive me, dear Lord, for letting other things distract my focus from you and interfere with my service to your Kingdom. Fill me with a holy passion for Kingdom matters above all other concerns and interests. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to email@example.com.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Daniel 6:27 NIV = “He rescues and he saves; he performs signs and wonders in the heavens and on the earth. He has rescued Daniel from the power of the lions.”
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – JUNE 27, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 180 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is DECIDE TO BE MARRIED DAY. ***I’m sure this day is for singles who’ve been debating taking the plunge, but I’d also like to challenge those of you who are already legally married. Today, start ACTING married. Make a point of scheduling time to just be with your wife or husband. No special reason, just to be with them. Resolve to give your spouse a hug and kiss before you take off in different directions for the day. First thing when you get home, seek out your spouse and give them another hug and a kiss and tell them you love them. If you REALLY want to take this seriously and truly decide to be married, go online to www.LoveAndRespect.com and find out how to make your marriage the best it can be.
Today is PG-13 DAY. The PG-13 movie rating was introduced on this date in 1984. ***Nowadays, I think we need more ratings… like PG-15, PG-17, NC-NOBODY…
TODAY IS ALSO…
Decide To Be Married Day
“Happy Birthday To You” Day
Industrial Workers of The World Day
Micro-, Small-, And Medium-Sized Enterprises Day
National HIV Testing Day
National Parchment Cooking Day
National Sunglasses Day
PTSD Awareness Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
THURSDAY, JUNE 28
International Body Piercing Day
National Bomb Pop Day
National Hand Shake Day
Ryan Moran Day
FRIDAY, JUNE 29
Drive Your Corvette to Work Day
World Scleroderma Day
SATURDAY, JUNE 30
California Avocado Day
National Haskap Berry Day
Leap Second Time Adjustment Day
National Meteor Watch Day
NOW (National Organization For Women) Day
Social Media Day
SUNDAY, JULY 01
Estee Lauder Day
Fast of Tammuz
Hop A Park Day
National GSA Employee Day
National Postal Workers Day
Resolution Renewal Day
Second Half of The Year Day
U.S. Postage Stamp Day
Zip Code Day
MONDAY, JULY 02
I Forgot Day
Made In The USA Day
Second Half of The Year Day
World UFO Day
TUESDAY, JULY 03
Compliment Your Mirror Day
International Plastic Bag Free Day
Stay Out Of The Sun Day
WEDNESDAY, JULY 04
Boom Box Parade Day
Fourth of July or Independence Day
Independence From Meat Day
THURSDAY, JULY 05
Work Without Your Hands Day
FRIDAY, JULY 06
Earth at Aphelion
Fried Chicken Day
International Kissing Day or World Kiss Day
Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day
SATURDAY, JULY 07
Father-Daughter Take A Walk Together Day
Global Forgiveness Day
International Day of Cooperatives
International Cherry Pit Spitting Day
Tell The Truth Day
Victims of The Dallas, Texas Attack Day
SUNDAY, JULY 08
Coca Cola Day
Math 2.0 Day
ON THIS DAY
1652: America’s first traffic law went into effect prohibiting riding horses “at the gallop” in the New Amsterdam settlement (which later was renamed New York). ***The speed limit was 3 miles an hour, which, if you drive in New York, you know is still in effect today.
1833: Prudence Crandall was arrested in Canterbury, Connecticut, for operating an academy for black women. Prudence was white.
1847: That New York and Boston were linked by telegraph wires. ***The very first message, of course, was “-.– .- -. -.- . . … / … ..- -.-. -.-” which translates into “Yankees suck.”
1859: Schoolteacher Mildred Hill of Louisville, Kentucky, composed the melody to the song “Good Morning to You.” Her sister Patty wrote the lyrics. The stanza “Happy Birthday to You” was added in 1924, eight years after Mildred’s death.
1950: An 8-pound bear cub that had been seriously burned three weeks earlier in a New Mexico forest fire left for the National Zoo in Washington where he lived to the ripe old bear age of 26. Originally named Hot Foot Teddy by the firemen who saved his life, he became better known as Smokey the Bear.
1955: The first seat belt legislation was enacted in Illinois. ***Actually, in the first bill, it was seat belts and garters. Times were different.
1962: Former IBM salesman H. Ross Perot took $1,000 and founded Electronic Data Systems in Dallas.
1963: Vice-President Lyndon Johnson’s beagles, Him and Her, were born.
1977: In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that lawyers could advertise.
1984: Doug Domokos did a non-stop wheelie for 145 miles on the Alabama Speedway at Talladega on his Honda XR 500 motorcycle. He stopped when he ran out of gas.
1988: At age 35, singer Cyndi Lauper received her high school diploma from Richmond High in New York City. ***That’s almost as long as it took for (OTHER JOCK) to get his!
1993: New York Met pitcher Anthony Young lost his 24th straight game, a major league record.
1995: Controversial bullfighter Jesulin de Ubrique was recovering after being gored twice in Burgos, Spain. Ubrique had created an uproar among serious bullfight fans by fighting on his knees before all-female audiences. He apparently was gored while trying to kiss a bull’s horns.
1999: A 29-year-old woman was arrested in Grafton, Ohio for domestic violence and resisting arrest. After her husband allegedly stayed online several nights until 4:00 a.m. chatting with other women, she hacked his computer to pieces with a meat clever. She pleaded no contest and was fined $200. ***That’s right – she was arrested for computer hacking.
2001: A man confessed to robbing a motel in Fargo, North Dakota, because his internet research said it had the safest jail in America. The man had traveled from Florida to claim he had a bomb in his Winnie the Pooh backpack. The robber told police he was a habitual criminal and wanted to go to prison for life.
2005: A 27-year-old man was charged with disorderly conduct in Devils Lake, North Dakota, after driving an electric-powered shopping cart around a grocery store while drunk, driving into people and nearly knocking them down. Witnesses told police the man was actually driving after people. No one was hurt.
2005: Who is the oldest baseball player to hit a grand slam home run in the major leagues? Julio Franco of the Atlanta Braves hit his eighth grand slam on this date to help the Braves knock off the Florida Marlins. He was 46 years old, already the oldest player in major league history to have a two-homer game, and the oldest in the last 96 years to steal a base.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
444: Cyril, patriarch of Alexandria and author of several writings on the dual natures of Christ, dies. He opposed Nestorius, who supposedly taught there were two separate persons in the Incarnate Christ, one divine and the other human.
1736: George Whitfield preaches his first sermon.
1865: Hudson Taylor establishes the China Inland Mission, one of the most successful mission ventures in history.
1933: James Mountain, English revivalist/hymnwriter (“Like a River Glorious”), dies.
1940: The USSR returns to the Gregorian calendar after its experimental atheistic calendar fails.
1978: The Moscow Seven, Siberian believers, take refuge at the US embassy in Moscow. This was not the first such instance, but earlier occupations lasted only a few hours.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actor (“The Walking Dead”) Chandler Riggs, 19
actress Madilyn Sweeten (“Everybody Loves Raymond”) 27 (audio clip)
reality TV star Khloe Kardashian, 34
Actor (Spider-Man flicks, Wonder Boys, Seabiscuit) Tobey Maguire, 43
Writer/director J.J. Abrahms, 52
Actress (“Designing Women”, “Newhart”) Julia Duffy, 67 (audio clip)
Former presidential candidate and big-eared mega-rich guy, H. Ross Perot, 88
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1925 : Doc pomus
1945 : Bruce Johnston (The Beach Boys)
1951 : Gilson Lavis (Squeeze)
1959 : Lorrie Morgan
1961 : Margo Timmins (Cowboy Junkies)
1976 : Leigh Nash (Sixpence None the Richer)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Why do graduates wear those strange square caps with their gowns?
Those mortarboards are modeled after the biretta, a similar cap worn by church officials in the Middle Ages to symbolize their knowledge, experience and high place. With an optimism that borders on religious faith, the mortarboard states that the graduate has reached a similar point in life. The square cardboard was added to the top to keep the biretta’s high crown from flopping on the grad’s face – I guess so it’s easier for Grandma to get good camera shots. Now here’s what I really think: Like the beanies sported by fraternity pledges, those silly-looking mortarboards are worn by people pledging adulthood. Of course, once you get in, it ain’t near as much fun as you were promised it would be, the only food fights you are allowed to participate in are the ones your own kids start and you’re required to put a stop to, and working at a job is worse than cramming for finals. Go out into the world? Not me!
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
In Italy, under the cover of night and armed with a blowtorch, thieves made off with 25,000 pounds of precious Parmesan cheese with a street value of $300,000 from a warehouse. ***Police are staking out grocery stores looking for anyone attempting to buy 50 tons of pasta and red sauce.
How young is too young for a kid to have their own tablet? Well, it’s up to each child’s parent, but age two seems really young. A survey finds 1 in 4 kids under the age of 2 has their own tablet. Their own. More than a third of 3 to 5-year-olds have their own tablet. ***Big deal – I had my own tablet as a child myself. It had lined notebook paper inside and the cover was red with a big Indian Chief on the front.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
People who are thin apparently still need to worry about fat on the INSIDE. Some doctors now think that the internal fat surrounding vital organs like the heart and liver could be as dangerous as the more obvious external fat that bulges underneath the skin. ***So you can be a 99-pound weakling, and still be morbidly obese? What’s the point of trying anymore?
In England, a woman claims she can’t leave the house because she’s allergic to Wi-fi signals and cell phones. ***Which is strange, because I didn’t think life was possible without them.
Liquid baby names are a hot thing right now. Liquid means names are becoming increasingly soft-sounding, ditching hard consonants for a whole lot of vowels. Examples: Liam, Ethan, Ava and Amelia. ***Oh, well that’s better than the liquid names I was thinking of… like Coffee, Coke, and Lake Michigan. Those would be terrible baby names.
If you’re feeling bummed out, you might want to try working out. A recent study found that just 30 minutes of brisk walking immediately boosted the mood of depressed patients and gave them the same quick boost they might otherwise have sought from cigarettes, caffeine or binge eating. Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin found that depressed people who walked for 30 minutes reported feeling more vigorous and had a greater sense of psychological well-being. ***Conversely, it also helps you feel good to tell people who are annoying you to take a hike.
Any dieter knows that it’s hard to keep off weight you’ve lost. Now a study finds that even a year after dieters shed a good chunk of weight quickly, their hormones were still insisting, “Eat! Eat! Eat!” The findings suggest that dieters who have regained weight are not just slipping back into old habits, but are struggling against a persistent biological urge. ***Yeah, it’s called HUNGRY.
Astronomers at Columbia University say they have devised a way to hide our planet from hostile aliens — cloak the earth using giant lasers. ***Really? Assuming they have the technology to travel billions of light years to get to our planet, suddenly we’re going to fake them out by hiding under a sheet with a flashlight?
Wyoming tops the nation in chewing tobacco use, with nearly 1 in 6 adult men in that state using the product. Government researchers found men use chew, snuff and other smokeless products at much higher rates than women. ***Probably because they’re in Wyoming and there’s nothing else to do there.
Depressed patients are more likely to stick with talk therapy if their sessions are conducted over the phone rather than in person. In a study, about 79 percent of people with depression whom had talk therapy sessions over the phone completed the full 18 weeks of therapy, compared with about 67 percent of patients who met with their therapist in person. People may be more likely to complete their therapy with over-the-phone sessions because they take less time, avoid transportation problems and are less expensive, according to the study. ***In other words, sitting alone at home with your mobile phone is less depressing than your therapist seeing your sourpuss in person.
Doctors have always assumed that both human ears were basically the same. But a UCLA study of babies may change a lot of assumptions about the way the brain works, because it found that the right ear is better at picking up speech-like sounds, while the left ear is better at processing music. ***So if one ear is for talking and the other is for music… which ear does rap go into?
Though parents have been teaching their children not to argue with adults for generations, research from the University of Virginia shows that young teenagers who are taught to argue effectively are more likely to resist peer pressure to use drugs or alcohol later in adolescence. It turns out that what goes on in the family is actually a training ground for teens in terms of how to negotiate with other people. ***So the next time your teenager yells at you, red-faced, screaming the word “no” – you can smile and say, “Ooooh… I’m so proud of you!”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was working on his evil plan to finally get the best of Steve Mozart. The plan began by getting several copies of Mozart’s music copied at the Franciscan Monkey Copy Shop, and then he placed all of the new, bad copies of the music on all of the music stands…
CLOSE: Boy, that Steve Mozart really is the luckiest guy in the world! So, now that Millard has once again tried to sabotage Mozart’s concert, will he succeed? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
You’d think it’d be something that’d be covered in Journalism 101: fish don’t have hair, and because of that, they don’t need to be around shampoo.
… apparently a Danish TV reporter missed that point – and has been convicted of animal cruelty for killing a dozen fish with shampoo. A court says Lisbeth Koelster poured dandruff shampoo into a fish tank for a 2004 TV program. The report was supposed to show that some hair products contain toxic chemicals. What it ended up showing is that guppies die when you put shampoo in their tank. A veterinarian reported the reporter to police two days after the show aired. But the case wasn’t heard until last week. Though convicted, the reporter wasn’t fined, because the court said her rights to a speedy trial had been violated.
TOP TEN RESUME’ BLOOPERS
(“Resumania” is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting’s parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates’ resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here are 10 examples.)
10. “I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.” (And an eye on the “e” section of the dictionary, evidently.)
9. “Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.” (No problem …)
8. “Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.” (Glad to hear it.)
7. “My compensation should be at least equal to my age.” (And bonuses “tied to” his shoe size?)
6. “I can play well with others.” (We’ll be sure to tell your mommy.)
5. “Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.” (A new twist on work-family balance.)
4. “My salary requirement is $34 per year.” (They say money isn’t everything.)
3. “Previous experience: Self-employed – a fiasco.” (Definitely to the point.)
2. “I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.” (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)
1. “Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.” (We’re glad you’re not bitter.)
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Why would anyone WANT a plaster cast?
FILE #1: Ernest G. Johnson was recently arrested in Shreveport, Louisiana, for what we can only describe as an out of control plaster cast fetish. Posing as an insurance company employee, he was caught roaming the corridors at LSU Hospital, sneaking photographs of women wearing casts. One police detective said, “It’s like all he wants is to be in the presence of a woman with a cast on and have her attention.”
FILE #2: It was a dream come true for 2 little old ladies who took a trip to Memphis, Tennessee to honor Elvis. After taking the Graceland tour, they went to get a bite to eat. They stopped at a local shopping area and were quickly approached by a man who demanded their purses. Not missing a beat – they beat him senseless with their purses causing the guy to fall down and break his ankle. Since he could not run off, he instead used his cell phone to call 911 for help. The police came and arrested him as he was curled up in the corner while the old ladies held him down by sitting on him.
FILE #3: Thieves in the UK broke into the car of a shoe salesman and took off with 80 of today’s most fashionable shoes. The key there is that they took off with 80 shoes — not 40 pairs. The salesman was carrying around single samples of new shoe designs — not a pair among them. The bungling burglars got away with 80 right-footed shoes. Police officer Stuart Elford said, “They must have been hopping mad when they found out.”
STRANGE LAW: In Texas, it’s against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
In Wadsworth, Ohio, firefighters hit the crime-busting jackpot while dousing a fire in a new home.
It did seem strange that the guy believed to be the owner suddenly took off while they were still battling the blaze. Then it all made sense — as soon as they found the $700,000 worth of marijuana plants in the basement. A total of 239 plants were found but that’s not the only crime here. The special marijuana-cultivating system, with special plant-growing lights, was wired to the home’s electrical system in a way that bypassed the meter. Police are now looking for the owner who bought the place just under a month ago.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE ESPECIALLY BRAVE ON THEIR RADIO SHOW…
It’s JOB EVALUATION TIME! Just like every other job I’ve ever had, I receive annual evaluations here at the radio station. However, what’s great about working here is that it’s not my boss that evaluates me – it’s YOU! So evaluate away, my friends! Email your “DJ Job Evaluation” to me at (insert your email address here) and I’ll read it on the air – or call me and give me a live on-the-spot job evaluation! Positive or negative! After all, not all job evaluations are 100% great. Where do I need to improve? What am I doing right? What would you like to hear less or more of?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Hannah was the mother of Samuel. What was the name of Hannah’s husband?
ANSWER: Elkanah (1 Samuel 1:8)
QUESTION: What gem was once considered a charm against drunkenness?
ANSWER: Amethyst – which gets its name from the Greek amethystos – which means “remedy for drunkenness.”
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Paula Abdul used to be a cheerleader for the Kansas City Chiefs. (False – the Los Angeles Lakers)
2. The last thing Elvis Presley ate before he died was a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich. (False, it was four scoops of ice cream and 6 chocolate chip cookies.)
3. Singer Alice Cooper once had a live rat thrown at him during a concert in Toronto. He threw the rat back at the crowd and all the publicity surrounding the incident skyrocketed his singing career. (False – it was a chicken. The rest of it is true though.)
4. The airport in La Paz, Bolivia is the world’s highest airport. (True)
5. Chicago is closer to Moscow than to Rio de Janeiro. (True)
6. If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about eight statute miles away. (False – three)
7. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. (True)
8. The dome on Monticello, Thomas Jefferson’s home, conceals a bowling alley. (False – a billiards room. In Jefferson’s day, billiards was illegal in Virginia.)
9. Female orcas (killer whales) live twice as long as male orcas. (True. The larger numbers of female orcas in a pod are because of the female’s longer lifespan, not because the males have collected a harem.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
Night Watchman Sues Over __________ __________!” (WORKING NIGHTS)
The Weekly World News claims Bernard Kipley was hired to be a night watchman for the Sandover Construction Company – until the company told him that he’d have to work nights. When he refused, he was fired. Kipley sued the company and amazingly, he won. Five minutes after he had been hired, Kipley was informed that he would be working from midnight to 8am. “I said, ‘You’re kidding me, right? I can’t work nights. That’s when all my favorite TV infomercials are on,” Kipley said. When Kipley refused the hours, the company immediately terminated him. Kipley then sued Sandover on the grounds that it discriminated against people who don’t like working nights. Surprisingly, Judge Judy Bench agreed with Kipley. “Just as there’s nothing that says a ‘night watchman’ has to be a ‘man,’ there’s no reason a night watchman can’t work during the day,” ruled the judge.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A man was watching a fisherman at work. The fisherman caught a giant trout but threw it back into the river. Next the fisherman hooked a huge pike and threw it back. Finally, the fisherman caught a little bass. He smiled and put the little bass in his bag.
“Hey,” yelled a guy who was watching. “Why did you throw back a giant trout and a huge pike and then keep a little bass?”
The fisherman yelled back, “Small frying pan.”
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”
The owner screams, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!”
The clerk replies, “Of course you can! Look at him. He’s too afraid to cough!”
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser. He loved money more than just about anything. Just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.” He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
When he did die, she sat at the ceremony next to her friend. After the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She brought a box over and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!”
She said, “Listen, I’m a Christian. I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “But I didn’t feel safe walking around with all of that cash, so I just wrote him a check instead.”
A recent study suggests that most of the pain experienced while visiting the dentist actually comes from the painful thoughts you have before ever getting into the chair. ***The rest of the pain comes from being forced to sit listen to instrumental versions of Led Zeplin songs.
A small town south of Hamburg, Germany, has been conducting a test for two years and found that government workers who were allowed to sleep on the job were more efficient that employees who stayed awake. ***Oh, so THAT’S what road workers are doing – they’re being EFFICIENT!
Did you hear about the cross-eyed discus thrower? He didn’t break a lot of records, but he sure kept the crowd alert!
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
THE WHOLE TOOTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TOOTH
The good news is Annie McLean’s dog didn’t have cancer. The bad news is the dog was almost put to sleep.
…McLean’s terrier, Robert, was originally diagnosed with cancer by a vet who suggested that the dog be put to sleep. On a hunch, she took the dog to another vet for a second opinion. That doctor correctly diagnosed that Robert didn’t have cancer, just bad teeth! Instead of being destroyed, the animal had to have 12 rotten teeth removed.
THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
The Bible still has the answers.
Prayer still works.
The Spirit can still move.
God still inhabits praise.
There is still anointed preaching.
There is still anointed singing.
God still pours out blessings.
There’s still room at the cross.
Jesus still loves you.
Jesus still saves.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
READ: 2 Corinthians 10:3-6
Bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. —2 Corinthians 10:5
Some days my computer helps me fly like an eagle. Other times, it bogs me down like a hippopotamus. On “eagle days” I’m grateful for my computer. But there are those “hippo days” when I rue the day I bought one.
Recently I’ve had to contend with a virus that invaded my computer. What bothers me most is that viruses are created maliciously. Bright people who live with a darkness in their lives want to make other people miserable. What’s worse, I permitted the virus to enter my machine by opening what I thought was an innocent e-mail.
Sin resembles a computer virus. Satan wants to destroy Christians by infecting their minds. But the apostle Paul urged the believers at Corinth to bring “every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Just as we let a virus into our computers, we also let darkness into our lives when we open ourselves unthinkingly to the godless messages that permeate our culture. We let down our guard and hardly notice the sin that infects our minds.
But by confessing our sin, reading God’s Word, and praying, we build a firewall, or barrier, to safeguard our minds. With the help of the Spirit, we’ll keep our minds from becoming unwitting hosts for unwanted guests. —Haddon W. Robinson
Heavenly Father, I’m often careless with what I allow to enter my mind. By Your Spirit, please help me to guard my mind today. By Your grace, keep me from situations that wage war on my thought life. Amen.
Guard your thoughts as you would your wallet.
Planning on spending some time in Florida this summer? Better watch out for the gators!
A caution has been issued in Florida: The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Bay, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. ***MARLAR: Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Do you think you’re a lousy parent? You’re probably a much better parent than you think you are – we’ll show you how!
Here are 10 reasons you are a better parent than you think you are: (from Parenting)
You are the best mommy or daddy in the world for your child – Regardless of what the experts or anyone else says, in your child’s eyes you are their one and only. If you can live up to that kind of love and acceptance, you’ll be happier for it.
You trust your gut – Most of us try not to get too worried or upset by the proliferation of news stories about lead-poisoned toys or tragic stories of kidnapped children, but it’s not very easy. When push comes to shove, your gut can be your guide. If you feel more than a tingle of doubt, you’ll do the right thing by your child. You’re wired that way.
You give the best love you know how to give – Love isn’t perfect or always kind, but you want to be a good parent and you try every day to be the best parent you know how to be.
You feed them every day- Not always meals with enough vegetables or fruit, but you feed them, and you worry about their health. And that makes you a good parent.
You smile at them, beam even, and they make you proud – When you smile at your child (and you know you do, often) you are transmitting your love and tenderness. Kids are sponges and they feel every iota of that sweetness.
You teach them about wonderful things — You fill their heads with the wishes of childhood — Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and other wonderful creatures. Even if they don’t believe you, their eyes light up with the spark of imagination.
You love them unconditionally, even when you don’t like them very much – Most kids know that you love them no matter what. Even when they have tantrums in the grocery store and hit their sister or brother and refuse to eat their dinner. Even then you love them deeply.
You comfort them when they’re scared – Monsters, bad dreams, and things that go bump in the night hold no power over the comfort of your arms and your murmured reassurance.
You want your child to be happy – Almost more than anything else, you want to see evidence that your child is happy, well-adjusted, and secure. You want this for them more than you want it for yourself.
You are their one true love – For so many years, you are your child’s sun, moon, and stars. You are the keeper of their small open hearts, their only one. This essential truth, when fully appreciated, makes parenting the most fulfilling thing you’ll ever do.
JUST FOR FUN
ARE WE THERE YET?
What is the furthest distance you’ve driven for a road trip? The story of Joey, Josh, Adam and their venture is on the way!
What is the furthest distance you’ve gone on a road trip? Joey, Josh and Adam, three guys in their 20’s, took on a wild venture: to go on one road trip and hit all 48 contiguous states and never stop (except for gas). Josh’s father was the original planner who mapped the trip and was going to take the challenge himself several years ago. The trip never happened due to the death of his mother shortly before the journey was supposed to begin. And so the baton, or map rather, was passed on to Josh and his two buddies. The world traveled with them on their blog. The trip began in Boston and ended at the Four Corners. To make a very long story short here is what these three guys accomplished in FOUR DAYS:
Exact time: 106 Hours and 43 Minutes
Saw 90 cops
And never got pulled over (Wow!)
Highest gas price: $4.15
Lowest gas price: $3.45
Showers taken: Zero (I guess ya gotta do what ya gotta do.)
It can buy a house … But not a home
It can buy a bed … But not sleep
It can buy a clock … But not time
It can buy you a book … But not knowledge
It can buy you a position … But not respect
It can buy you medicine … But not health
It can buy you blood … But not life
It can buy you sex … But not love
So you see, money isn’t everything! … It often causes pain and suffering. But because I’m your friend, I want to take away your pain and suffering. Send me all your money, and I will do the suffering for you.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Drop the hamburger – it’s a deadly weapon!
Red meat, the staple of the American diet, could send you to an early grave. The study concluded that Americans 50 and older who eat large amounts of red meat and processed meats, including cold cuts, bacon and hot dogs, face a greater risk of early death from heart disease and cancer. How much is a “large amount” of red meat? It’s not that much at all: one-quarter pound a day or the equivalent of a hamburger. ***MARLAR: I should be dead now.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Many academic studies agree: We are happiest in our youth and in our old age. And we are unhappiest in middle age when the pressures and demands of family and job are at their peak. Think of a U shape, where we’re happy at the two top points and unhappiest at the dip. Here’s the good news: The best way to assuage the unhappiness of our 40s and 50s is by being married. That’s the word from Canadian economists Shawn Grover and John Helliwell, who have concluded that while married people are happier in general, the “happiness bonus” from marriage is strongest in middle age. And that’s exactly when you need it the most. However, marriage alone is not enough. It also has to be a good marriage, and the happiness bonus is even stronger — by about twice as much — when the husband and wife consider each other their best friend.
So how can you prevent eyestrain when you’re on a computer? The “one-word answer,” blink. “When you stare at a monitor, your blink rate drops to 20 per minute to 7, and that dries out your eyes,” says Kimberly Cockerham, M.D. So think “blink,” and if your orbs are still arid, try preservative free eyedrops. And to relieve fatigue, obey the 20-20-20 monitor rule: Look at something 20 feet away for 20 seconds every 20 minutes.
Jet lag might make you dumb. In a study from the University of California at Berkeley, hamsters exposed to simulated jet lag formed half as many new neurons as unexposed hamsters, and they botched a learning and memory test. Jet lag may interfere with rats as well as human body clocks by throwing brain function out of step with local time.
Why does Mr. Williams always camp out overnight to buy the last electronic gadget while Miss Anderson is happy to bide her time before buying? It’s the “last name effect,” says a recent study. The “Journal Of Consumer Research” study shows that he first letter of your last name at birth determines how quick you are to snatch up retail items. “Children develop time dependent responses based on the treatment they receive,” say researchers. “In an effort to account for these inequities, children late in the alphabet will more quickly and ‘buy early’ when last name is not a factor. “Likewise, those with last names early in the alphabet will be so accustomed to being first that opportunities to make a purchase will not matter very much, they will ‘buy later.'”
Here is a quick and easy way to make others think you are smart and perhaps even an intellectual: Use your middle initial when you write your name. Psychologists Wijnand A. P. van Tilburg and Eric R. Igou of the University of Limerick in Ireland performed seven different experiments to see how the inclusion of middle initials affects a name’s perceived social status. In one of those experiments, volunteers were asked to read and rate a scientific article that was attributed variously to:
David F. Clark
David F.P. Clark
David F.P.R. Clark
The study volunteers were most impressed with the article when the author’s byline was David F.P.R. Clark. Even David F. Clark beat out David Clark. Specifically, Tilburg and Igou found that adding middle initials to authors’ names increased how well others thought of not only the quality of their writing, but also the perception of their intellectual status and achievements. Remember, the same article was reviewed by the volunteers with the only difference being the middle initials in the author’s name, but the presence of those middle initials added intellectual heft, reports Time magazine.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
I kid around a lot, because if I didn’t, listening to myself would drive me right up the wall.
I feel so great I may go home and wash MY half of the car.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JUNE 22, 2018…
Damsel—It is the wild West and Robert Pattison is trying to find his girlfriend (Mia Wasikowska). Does this look familiar? See “Under The Silver Lake.” Anyone on the West Coast checking script content lately? “Damsel” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Under The Silver Lake—Andrew Garfield wants a date with his neighbor and then she disappears. What to do? Does this look familiar? See “Damsel.” Strange things happen in the summertime. Also in the cast are Riley Keough and Topher Grace. “Under The Silver Lake” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Boundaries—The word “boundaries” can mean many things from national countries to emotional limits. In this movie, well, Grandpa is kicked out of his retirement home because he sells weed, the son (grandson) draws questionable pictures and Mom (Vera Farmiga) has just about had it with everyone. Then, comes the road trip. I’m sure you had had your share, too, and I remember the time crossing the Alps in July with four adults in a small VW and the much-older driver had never driven in snow before. Yes, there was a blizzard that day, too. We were caught in a tunnel and each car had a five minute delay before leaving the tunnel and heading downhill—in our case, it was mostly sideways. At the end of the day, it really was “Thank you, Lord.” So, in “Boundaries,” the cast has their problems, too, and others in the film are Kristen Schaal and Lewis MacDougall. “Boundaries” is rated PG-13. Rating of 2.
JUNE 29, 2018…
Sicario: Day Of The Soldado continues the story of Alejandro (Benicio Del Toro) from “Sicario” and what happens next as he goes against drug cartels.
Leave No Trace concerns a father and daughter who try to live by themselves. Stars Ben Foster.
Uncle Drew has Kyrie Irving portraying an aging sports legend who wants to do the game again.
Woman Walks Ahead has an American portrait painter who wants to do Chief Sitting Bull. Stars Jessica Chastain.
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