March 01, 2018: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180301
PDF: 20180301

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m losing some weight, and I have to give all the credit to NetFlix. Now I have zero commercials, so I don’t have as much time to go to the kitchen for snacks.

I just read an article about the wages of laziness. Really? I can get paid for that?

I’ve discovered the secret to keeping the spark in your marriage: kiss your wife after shuffling your feet on the carpet.

Power tools are useless without their power source… and the same applies to Christians.

They say television adds ten pounds to you – so I took my big screen down and I only watch Netflix on my mobile phone now.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Golf is an ineffectual attempt to put an elusive ball into an obscure hole with implements ill-adapted to the purpose.” – Woodrow Wilson

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” –Jeremiah 29:11-13

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. — 1 John 4:9

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. — Ephesians 4:25

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

The arrogance of man will be brought low and the pride of men humbled; the LORD alone will be exalted in that day, and the idols will totally disappear. — Isaiah 2:17-18

Thought: Sometimes when we get “too big for our britches,” we find ourselves humbled by a natural disaster, world war, incurable disease, economic depression, or widespread social disorder. Our arrogance can be a predictor of our own impending disasters. Is there a general principle of our universe at work here? (“Pride goes before a fall.”) Or is this the active discipline of God at work? I guess the answer is “Yes!” to both of these questions. Both God and his world remind us that there is so much about our lives we can’t control. This passage, however, goes beyond the general principles and it promises an ultimate day when human arrogance will be eliminated and all false gods disappear. On that day, God’s children will rejoice and be glad! Until then, let’s walk humbly with our God.

Prayer: Dear Father in heaven, please humble me gently. I don’t want to lose my keen sense of your presence by becoming too full of myself. Neither do I want to bring disaster upon myself or those I love. Give me an undivided heart of devotion to you out of appreciation for your grace. In the name of the Lord Jesus I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 John 3:1 NIV = How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!

TODAY IS THURSDAY – MARCH 01, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
298 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is WHUPPITY SCOORIE DAY in Lanarkshire, Scotland.  This is how the town of Lanark officially welcomes Spring.  On March 1 each year, youngsters take part in the ancient custom of “Whuppity Scoorie” where they gather before 6 pm, assembling at St Nicholas church, then as the wee bell rings the hour, they run around the church three times counter-clockwise, while over their heads they swing balls made of paper and tied with a piece of string. At the end the children scramble for coins thrown by members of the local community council.  And you thought some American holidays were bizarre!

Today is NATIONAL PIG DAY. ***You can always tell a pig lover’s car. They have bumper stickers that say, “Have you hugged your ham today?” And they hog the road. We celebrate a bit differently at my house – we expand this to be “National Pig OUT Day.” That way we can celebrate with pure joy.

Today is NATIONAL PEANUT BUTTER LOVERS DAY. ***That’s me! I’m craving extra chunky right now.

Today is NATIONAL SHARE A SMILE DAY. ***Mine will be coated with peanut butter. And ham.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Asiatic Fleet Memorial Day
Baby Sleep Day
Dadgum That’s Good Day
National Black Women in Jazz & The Arts Day
Endometriosis Day or Wear Yellow Day
National Horse Protection Day
National Peanut Lovers Day
Peace Corps Day
Pig Day
Plan a Solo Vacation Day
Purim
Refired, Not Retired Day
Saint David’s Day
Self-injury Awareness Day
World Book Day
World Compliment Day
Zero Discrimination Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, MARCH 02

Dress in Blue Day
Dr. Seuss Day
Employee Appreciation Day
National Salesperson Day
National Speech and Debate Education Day
NEA’s Read Across America Day
World Day of Prayer

National Day of Action

SATURDAY, MARCH 03

I Want You To Be Happy Day
International Ear Care Day
Iditarod

National Frozen Food Day
National Mulled Wine Day
National Anthem Day
Pasty Day
Princess Day
Simplify Your Life Day
Sock Monkey Day
Soup It Forward Day
What If Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs? Day
World Birth Defects Day
World Wildlife Day

SUNDAY, MARCH 04

Academy Awards (Oscars)
*Benjamin Harrison Day
Courageous Follower Day
Daughters’ and Sons’ Day
Finisher’s Medal Day
Holy Experiment Day
Hug A G.I. Day
International Scrapbooking Industry Day
March Forth-Do Something Day
Marching Music Day
Namesake Day
National Grammar Day
Old Inauguration Day
Toy Soldier Day

MONDAY, MARCH 05

Casimir Pulaski Day
Fun Facts About Names Day
National Absinthe Day
National Poutine Day
Saint Piran’s Day
World Tennis Day

TUESDAY, MARCH 06

National Dress Day
Oreo Cookie Day
Peace Corps Day
Sofia Kovalevskaya Math Day

Unique Names Day

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 07

Cereal Day
National Be Heard Day
National Cereal Day

Discover What Your Name Means Day

THURSDAY, MARCH 08

Day for Women’s Rights & International Peace
Girls Write Now Day
International Women’s Day
International Working Women’s Day
Nametag Day
National Proofreading Day
National Peanut Cluster Day
National Retro Video Game Day
The Bikini Bottom Free (Crabcakes)
World Kidney Day

ON THIS DAY

1780: Pennsylvania became the first state to abolish slavery.

1864: Rebecca Lee became the first black woman to receive an American medical degree, from the New England Female Medical College in Boston.

1904: Glenn Miller was born in Clarinda, Iowa. His hits included “In the Mood,” “String of Pearls,” and “Moonlight Serenade.” He was leader of the U.S. Army Air Force Band when his plane crashed into the English Channel during World War II.

1913: The Federal Income Tax took effect according to the 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. ***This really should be a national day of mourning.

1941: The first FM radio station went on the air. ***Before then, AM was cool.

1962: Former newspaper reporter turned Kresge store manager Harry Cunningham opened the first Kmart in a suburb of Detroit.

1968: Singers Johnny Cash and June Carter were married in Franklin, Kentucky. Best Man was Merle Kilgore, who with June had written one of Johnny’s biggest hits, “Ring of Fire.”

1973: The New York Joffrey Ballet performed its “Deuce Coupe Ballet” for the first time. The music was 100% Beach Boys.

1977: Bank of America decided to change the name of its credit cards from Bankamericard to VISA.

1989: Researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore reported that the leading cause of injury-related deaths of U.S. children under one year old was homicide.

1991: Victoria defeated Duncanville 38-36 in the Texas girls basketball 5A state semifinals. It was tough. None of the girls on the Duncanville team had ever lost a high school basketball game. Their win streak ended at 134 games and three state titles.

1994: At the annual Grammy Awards, Whitney Houston won best female pop vocalist and record of the year for Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You.”

1997: The state of Arizona approved a proposal to install divorce vending machines to cope with the high demand for divorces.

2000: A fan of veteran hard rockers AC/DC paid $28,100 for a music lesson from the group’s lead guitarist, Angus Young. Wade Sickler of Washington state made the winning bid in an online charity auction to benefit the Nordoff-Robbins Music Therapy Foundation.

2000: By a rare unanimous vote, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill to allow most Social Security recipients to earn as much money as they want without losing any benefits.

2005: A divided U.S. Supreme Court outlawed the death penalty for juvenile criminals.

2007: Illinois officials arrested 55-year-old Sebon Brown on a rape conviction warrant issued in 1982. Brown still lived at the address listed on the warrant, which apparently had been misplaced for 25 years. When sheriff’s deputies went to his home the fugitive answered the door and was arrested.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

589: David of Wales, whose ascetic path of restraint earned him the love of all Wales (he is now the patron saint of that country), dies. His final words were, “Be joyful, brothers and sisters. Keep your faith and do the little things that you have seen and heard from me.”

1546: George Wishart was executed by Beaton.

1562: At the Massacre of Vassy, French Protestants (called Huguenots) are killed by Roman Catholics. The action set off a series of eight religious wars that lasted 36 years.

1854: Pioneer missionary Hudson Taylor lands in Shanghai, China. “My feelings on stepping ashore I cannot attempt to describe,” he wrote. “My heart felt as though it had not room and must burst its bonds, while tears of gratitude and thankfulness fell from my eyes.” Taylor would found the China Inland Mission in 1865, and he popularized the idea that missionaries should live and dress like the people they seek to evangelize.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (12 Years a Slave, Star Wars: The Force Awakens) Lupita Nyong’o, 35

  • actor (“Supernatural) Jensen Ackles, 40

  • actor (Zach on “Saved By The Bell”) Mark-Paul Gosselaar, 44

  • actress (“Stranger Things”, “Mad Men”, “Person of Interest”, “Third Watch”) Cara Buono, 47

  • actor (No Country For Old Men, Skyfall) Javier Bardem, 49

  • actor (“Wings”, “Madam Secretary”) Tim Daly, 62

  • actor/director (Opie Taylor on “The Andy Griffith Show,” Richie Cunningham on “Happy Days,” and the director of films like Splash, Apollo 13, Cinderella Man, The DaVinci Code, A Beautiful Mind) Ron Howard is 64 (audio clip)

  • actress (Daisy Duke on TV’s “The Dukes of Hazzard”) Catharine Bach 64 (audio clip)

  • actor (“Growing Pains”) Alan Thicke 70 (audio clip)

  • actor (“The A Team”, “Battlestar Galactica”) Dirk Benedict, 72

  • actor (“Ba Ba Black Sheep,” the police officer in Jingle All The Way) Robert Conrad 82 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1904 : Glenn Miller

1927 : Harry Belafonte

1930 : Benny Powell

1943 : Jerry Fisher (Blood, Sweat & Tears)

1944 : Roger Daltrey (The Who)

1944 : Mike D’Abo (Manfred Mann)

1946 : Tony Ashton (Ashton, Gardner & Dyke)

1950 : Dave Marsh

1957 : Jon Carroll (The Starland Vocal Band)

1958 : Nik Kershaw

2010 : Roger Daltrey (The Who) – Roger Harry Daltrey in London, England.

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why don’t buses have seat belts?

These days there are seat belts on school buses in many areas of the United States, mandated by law. But the vehicles used by the general public are still beltless. Given the way many urban bus drivers maneuver in heavy traffic, you might think this is a subtle attempt to winnow out the population, lowering its average age. But the reasons are much more ordinary. The main one is that adults can’t be coerced into using belts in the way that kids can. You can’t keep an adult after school or threaten to call the parents in for a little talk. Some localities have tried to get adults to use belts on buses, but they just won’t buckle up. Another reason you hear is that installing belts would add to the cost of building a bus. But you don’t think that lower profits or higher cost would be a factor, do you?

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

“Clueless” star and former Fox commentator Stacey Dash is running for Congress in California.  ***Most California voters are already clueless – so this could be the perfect match!

A New York state woman faces driving while intoxicated charges after she drove drunk to the police station to pick up her brother who had also been charged with DWI. ***So I guess it’s true – low intelligence is genetic.

Barbra Streisand paid to have her dead dog cloned… twice. ***Meanwhile, she hasn’t spent a dime on getting that nose fixed.

Apple has also announced that they’re going to open its own medical clinics for their employees.  ***But this is Apple – so everything will be three times as expensive and all medical instruments and medications will be proprietary.

Apple is planning to release three new Smartphones later this year including the largest iPhone ever.  ***How big is it?  Do you remember “Dance Dance Revolution”?

Virginia Tech head basketball coach had enough at their Monday night game and finally grabbed the P.A. microphone and ordered his team’s fans to stop swearing. His exact words were, “Quit cussin’.” ***When has yelling at college students to tell them what to do EVER worked in the history of higher education?  Has this guy never seen “Animal House”?

The council of a small town in Germany voted Monday night to keep the bell in their local church. It’s a Nazi-era bell – complete with swastika and the inscription “Everything for the Fatherland – Adolf Hitler.”  ***I think this is great.  The ringer part of a bell is called a hammer – so every time they ring the bell they’re slamming a hammer against Adolph Hitler.  I think it’s perfect!

According to a survey, payouts by the tooth fairy dropped in 2017 by 11%.  ***Thanks a lot, Donald Trump!

Disney is going to spend 2 billion Euros to improve Disneyland Paris, including a new Star Wars area.  ***Unfortunately, you’re already too late to see it – as it was a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.

Actress Heather Locklear, 56, was arrested Sunday in Thousand Oaks, CA, on suspicion of felony domestic violence.  ***I’ve said in the past that I wouldn’t mind being hit on by Heather Locklear – but this is not the way I meant it.

On a recent Southwest Airlines flight, one passenger’s “emotional support” dog reportedly bit a girl who was also on the flight. The bite happened while passengers were boarding the flight from Phoenix to Portland, Oregon.  ***The emotional pet thing on planes really needs to stop.  If you are such an emotional wreck that you can’t board a plane without bringing an animal with you – perhaps you are too much of an emotional wreck to be on a plane at all.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Recent research (Heriot-Watt University in the U.K.) found that the brain enters a meditative state when going through green spaces. The findings don’t mean the green space triggered spacing out — rather, the engagement required to walk through a green space is more effortless.  ***Meaning that actors using green screens are the most disengaged people on the planet.

Men’s Health says a Cornell University study found dieters shown a negative message about junk food like it’s evil ate 39 percent more of it than people given a positive message like it’s tasty.   ***Liking what’s bad for us… it’s the American way!

A new study indicates that grapefruit can help dieters lose weight and it may also be a good way of controlling blood sugar levels. Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, found that mice that drank grapefruit juice while eating a high-fat diet for three months gained 18 percent less weight than a control group that drank water. In addition, the mice in the grapefruit group had improved levels of glucose and insulin. ***I tried this – and it wasn’t bad once I covered it in sugar.

More than half of U.S. employees say they take business calls or check their work emails while on vacation. The convenience of laptops and mobile devices make vacation-time work easier than ever, but researchers say there is such a thing as too much work and it’s necessary that we simply unplug from the office.  ***Unplug from the office?  Heck, I’m always looking to plug IN to get my cell phone recharged.

According to new research, listening to music at work actually makes you better at your job. The study found that workers performed their tasks better if they were listening to music. More than 80% of those involved in the study had more accurate test results and worked faster if they had music going. However it should be noted, that the study was conducted on behalf of several music licensing companies so the people behind the research definitely had a stake in the results.  ***Wait… a survey that has an agenda?  Gee, you never hear of that happening!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As The Jungle Turns! Last time, Cheetah Bonita – one of the three-part-harmony-singing Cheetah Sisters came up with a brand new song to share with everyone. But it quickly became apparent that this new song not only didn’t have three part harmony – but it didn’t have any harmony at all! It was a solo!

CLOSE: I don’t know about you, but I’m already tired of Cheetah Bonita’s new Me-My-I song. Hopefully we’ll hear a new tune next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
What to do in case of a chimney fire…?

Should a fire break out in your chimney, it would be handy to have Chimfex Fire Suppressors on hand. According to the brochure, Chimfex sticks are indispensable as your first line of defense for controlling fires that occur in fireplace flues and other chimney exhaust systems. Fast, toss-in convenience allows you to react effectively to control flames and heat build-up during a chimney fire until professional help arrives. Handy, yes. Available, no. It seems the Chimfex product is no longer available due to a fire at the Chimfex factory.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN USELESS INVENTIONS

10. Non stick Cellotape

9.   Solar Powered Flash Light

8.   A black highlighter pen

7.   Glow in the dark sunglasses

6.   Inflatable Anchor

5.   Smooth Sandpaper

4.   Waterproof sponge

3.   Waterproof Teabags

2.   AC adapter for Solar powered calculators

1.   Inflatable Dartboard

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If you steal the exact same money twice, is that double-jeopardy? 

FILE #1: Douglas Holmes was in court being tried as a repeat offender, but while he was there the Kansas man thought he’d really be repeat offender! As his case proceeded and as he faced life in prison Holmes noticed the money he stole during one of his thefts on the evidence table. He just couldn’t resist. That’s right, Holmes grabbed the cash and made a run for the door. While police chased after him, the judge decided to continue the case without Holmes present in the courtroom. He was convicted of three counts of armed robbery and three counts of armed criminal action (with now more to come). A former victim who was in court to testify against Holmes said, “I can’t believe I lost my money twice.”  ***MARLAR: I hear ya, buddy… that’s how I feel every year on Tax Day.

FILE #2: A Berlin drummer was practicing so loudly in his bedroom that he did not even notice burglars breaking into his house, stealing his belongings and driving off in his car. Apparently the thieves even broke a window downstairs to get in when they heard the man pounding away on his kick drum. They took his credit cards, all the cash they could find, and his car keys.

FILE #3: A Romanian burglar was caught in the act but only because he was hungry! The 26-year-old thief packed his bags with jewelry and other valuables from the home – along with some food that he found in the fridge, including salami and olives. After the heist, he became hungry and decided to sit down and eat the olives, and that’s where he was captured.

STRANGE LAW: In Connecticut you may not sell a pickle that will fall apart if dropped 12 inches.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

You never ever put the police on hold – especially if you’re the one who called them – and even more so if you’re in the middle of an illegal drug deal!

Police in Cleveland say a man called 911 because he felt he was in danger – then asked the dispatcher to hold on while he made a drug deal. Police said Alejandro Melendez called 911 and reported that two men with guns were watching him.  Then he hung up, so the dispatcher called back.   Melendez answered and asked the dispatcher to hold on, but the dispatcher could still hear what was being said, and heard the entire transaction take place of Melendez selling heroin to one of his customers. The dispatcher called police, who found Melendez at the location he gave, had the dispatcher call his cell phone again, and said they found cocaine in his trousers.  He was arrested and charged with possessing cocaine.

PHONER PHUN

Today is “Plan a Solo Vacation Day”.  Have you ever taken a vacation somewhere alone?  If so, where did you go and what did you do all by yourself?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who slept at Bethel and dreamed about angels?

ANSWER: Jacob (Genesis 28:11-15)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to a Reader’s Digest survey, what is the #1 worry that keeps men awake at night?

ANSWER: Fear of aging.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. John F. Kennedy’s rocking chair was auctioned off for $4.5-million.  (False, $453,500)

2. Georgia is the toothpick capital of the world. (False, Maine)

3. Q-Tip Cotton Swabs were originally called Baby Gays. (True)

4. Instead of stithces, doctors in Canada use Krazy Glue.  (True – well, true enough.  They use an adhesive similar to Krazy Glue instead of stitches, lowering the possibility of bacterial infection and minimizing scarring.)

5. 93% of all greeting cards are purchased by women. (True)

6. 98% of houses in the United States have at least two television sets. (False, but 98% of homes do have at least one.)

7. A common name for pincurls is also spitcurls because woman sometimes wet their hair with their saliva before curling it. (True)

8. About 26 per cent of all indoor water used by households in Sydney, Australia are for flushing toilets.  (False, for doing laundry)

9. A washroom that was built by Lam Sai-wing is the world’s most expensive washroom. He built the washroom for his shop and everything in the washroom is made out of gold and jewels. It cost $3.5 million to build. (True)

10. About 85% or product warning labels on household products are inadequate. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

SOLAR SYSTEM IS __________ (SLOWING DOWN)

The velocity of the solar system is fallen by more than 10 percent – every month! Astronomers are alarmed. American, Polish and Swiss astronomers have been studying the phenomenon over the last year and have no explanation for this change in velocity.  And there is no perceivable change in the surrounding interstellar medium.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.
“Tell me,” said the doctor, “if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?”
The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”
“Wonderful,” said the psychiatrist.
“Or else,” continued the patient, “I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people.”
“Definitely,” said the psychiatrist.
“Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution.”
“Another interesting possibility,” agreed the doctor.
“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.”

JOKE #2
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
“Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. “In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?”

JOKE #3
A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
The Preacher was not to eager to call the mayor, who had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant & rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me any way? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”

USELESS FACTS

Researchers from the European Space Agency have determined there is lightning on Venus as well as surprising temperature swings.  ***Kind of like the atmosphere at your house if you forget your wedding anniversary.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider… ***Yet another excuse to avoid going to weddings.

FEATURED FUNNIES

JOKE FROM MARTHA RAYE
I once went for a job at an airline. The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a stewardess, and I told her — it would be a great chance to meet men.
She looked at me and said, “But you can meet men anywhere.”
I said, “Strapped down?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

AN ARMY OF ONE… COUPLE
If you can’t beat them – join them!  The Army, that is.
Donna wanted to get married, but her husband-to-be wanted to join the Army. What to do? Donna figured if she couldn’t beat him, she’d join him. That’s right after they got married, Donna and Kirk Evenson enlisted together in the Army. The Athens, Georgia, couple will start basic training, at separate bases, in the beginning of March. Nine weeks later they’ll be reunited for training as radio communication specialists. Their first assignment — a one-year stint at Fort Riley, Kansas — is together too. Army officials, who note newlyweds enlisting are pretty rare, say they’ll try to keep the couple together as long as they are on active duty.  ***MARLAR: Marriage is already tough – but can you imagine spending your days off AND your workday with your spouse?  And this close to guns and explosives?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

WILL YOU BE REMEMBERED?
See why powerful people often wear sunglasses — the spotlight blinds them to reality. They suffer from a delusion that power means something (it doesn’t). They suffer from the misconception that titles make a difference (they don’t). They are under the impression that earthly authority will make a heavenly difference (it won’t). Can I prove my point? Take this quiz:

  • Name the ten wealthiest people in the world.

  • Name the last ten Heisman trophy winners.

  • Name the last ten winners of the Miss America contest.

  • Name eight people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.

  • How about the last ten Academy Award winners for best picture or the last decade’s worth of World Series winners?

How did you do? I didn’t do well either. With the exception of you trivia hounds, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday too well. Surprising how quickly we forget, isn’t it? And what I’ve mentioned above are no second-rate achievements. These are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish.
Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners. Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:

  • Think of three people you enjoy spending time with.

  • Name ten people who have taught you something worthwhile.

  • Name five friends who have helped you in a difficult time.

  • List a few teachers who have aided your journey through school.

  • Name half-a-dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier? It was for me, too. The lesson? The people who make a difference are not the ones with the credentials, but the ones with the concern.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Do you sometimes feel God is testing you to see if you will sin?  If so, you’ve got it all wrong.
As the Union Pacific Railroad was being constructed, an elaborate trestle bridge was built across a large canyon in the West. Wanting to test the bridge, the builder loaded a train with enough extra cars and equipment to double its normal payload. The train was then driven to the middle of the bridge, where it stayed an entire day. One worker asked, “Are you trying to break this bridge?”
“No,” the builder replied, “I’m trying to prove that the bridge won’t break.” In the same way, the temptations Jesus faced weren’t designed to see if He would sin, but to prove that He couldn’t. If we will let him, he will help us when face the temptations of this life as well!

LEFTOVERS

SHE HOOKED HIM!
Getting married in of all places, the ninth hole!
The dress at Barrie and Tona Larsen’s wedding was casual. Very casual. Golf casual. In fact, the couple tied the knot on the ninth hole at the Fox Run Golf Course in Yankton. The new bride says the golfing wedding was her idea — and it was okay with her mother, too. Tona says her mom felt she needed ‘a golf partner more than a husband anyway.’ ***MARLAR: And guess how many years it will take to pay off the loan for the wedding.  Yep, fore.

LIFE… LIVE IT

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER
Want to live a really long time? Researchers at the University of California think they might have the answer!
According to a study from the University of California, researchers found that mice on a low-calorie diet lived longer than those with a higher calorie diets. They also discovered that switching a mouse from a high-calorie diet to a low-calorie diet eliminated up to 70 percent of all genetic signs of aging that the animal had previously shown. ***MARLAR: So, in other words, the fewer calories you eat each day, the longer you can expect to live.  Theoretically, if you stop eating entirely you can life forever!  But then, you’d be living without chocolate… and that’s what makes life worth living.

JUST FOR FUN

Imagine a local church bribing you to come to their services!  It’s happening at a church in Germany!
In Collinghorst, Germany, Father Burkhard Westphal finally figured out how to get more people to attend mass — bribe them! And it works! The priest said his flock of parishioners has grown three-fold after he started handing out $5 to everyone who attends Sunday mass. He defends the practice by saying, “The aim is to provoke and raise interest in the Church. I wanted to bring as many people as possible to talk about the Bible.” If it makes you feel better, he also noted that most people had put the money back during the collection anyway. (Ananova)

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ONLINE

  • Tech Support calls “YOU” for help.

  • You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.

  • When looking at road signs, you wonder why they are always “yelling” at you.

  • When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word “i” should be capitalized.

  • You have a vanity car tag with your screen name.

  • You double click your TV remote.

  • You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

How often do you lie to strangers?

Everyone tells a whopper when making small talk with strangers some of us as often as three untruths every 10 minutes. Some people tell tall tales to cover up their own insecurities when meeting new people and because it’s easier than telling the truth about themselves, reveals University of Massachusetts psychology professor Robert Feldman. Feldman says just being yourself requires more creative effort than being deceitful because it involves deciding “which attributes to emphasize and which to minimize, which impulse to follow and which to ignore.” And Feldman says folks who thought they had good radar for liars picked out a fibber’s falsehoods only 47% of the time. (National Examiner)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

If the only thing that gets you out of bed in the morning is that hot cup of coffee awaiting you in the kitchen, you can blame your parents for your caffeine dependency. It appears that coffee addiction is rooted in our genes. That is, how much caffeine you crave — be it more or less — can be found in two specific genes labeled CYP1A2 and AHR. The former is linked to the process by which the body metabolizes caffeine, while the latter regulates the activity of the CYP1A2 gene. “It’s really an incredible story,” study co-author Dr. Neil Caporaso, branch chief of genetic epidemiology at the National Cancer Institute, explained to HealthDay News. “People don’t really suspect it, but genetics plays a big role in a lot of behaviors, such as smoking and alcohol consumption. And now it turns out that it has a part in how much caffeine we drink.”  ***So if you LOVE coffee and caffeine, you can thank your parents.  If you HATE coffee and caffeine, you can thank your parents.

Many people will “friend” as many contacts as they can on Facebook, without thinking about the possible impacts of their posts, pictures and updates. To showcase how the public feels about whom they should and shouldn’t “friend,” YouTell.com and SodaHead.com have released the results of a survey detailing online connections and habits. The survey shows that 81% say you shouldn’t be friends with your boss on Facebook.  45% say you shouldn’t be friends with your co-workers on Facebook.  Only 23% are friends with their parents on Facebook.  And only 13% are friends with their children on Facebook.  ***Yes, but the question is… are you MY friend on Facebook?  That’s the most important thing.

Laughter really is the best medicine. A recent study proves that smiling and a happy attitude can slash your risk of heart attacks, strokes and other cardiovascular mishaps. Harvard School of Public Health researchers found that optimistic people suffered 50 percent fewer cardiovascular events compared to their more pessimistic peers. Twice as many women get the blues as men, and smiling may be a good weapon in the war against heart attacks. “There is still an unknown psychological mechanism as to why women are more predisposed to depression,” says psychiatrist Dr. Leo Pozuelo.”This study shows positive feelings augment a resiliency to prevent or reduce the risk of heart disease.”

If your eyes sting, burn or feel scratchy, check the medications you’re taking and talk to your physician. Certain antihistamines as well as some blood pressure pills and antidepressants can dry out the surface of your eye. She may suggest switching your medicine to a version that won’t cause the dryness. But if swapping isn’t an option, try over-the-counter artificial tears, or put a warm washcloth on your eyelids for 5 to 10 minutes each day, which increase moisture. Still have issues? You may need a prescription dry-eye medication. (Woman’s Day)

Ever wonder why some super talented guys seem to end up in a rut? Is it fear? Bad Luck? Well, a remarkable new study from University of Chicago economist Stephen Levitt, the Freakonomic guy, discovered that, when it comes to making major life changes, many people hold off simply because they’re waiting for “permission.” But he also found that even something as simple as flipping a coin can get them out of their rut. Afterward, they were happier, no matter what had forced their hand. If you’re stuck in neutral, try a technique that’s others have found helped them: Visualize yourself thriving in the new situation winning before you’ve even stepped up to the plate. It sounds trite, but it works; many a pro athlete will admit he imagines hoisting the championship trophy early in the season. And if that doesn’t get you up and moving confidently, you can always flip a coin. (Men’s Fitness)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Instead of allowing one of their fellow students to continue feeling excluded, this kindergarten class became a shining example of what it means to be kind.  According to CBC News, substitute teacher Marie McGaugh was teaching a class at Souris Regional School when one of the students told one of the girls sitting next to her that her shirt was on backwards.  As the other youngsters started to laugh at the simple wardrobe malfunction, the little girl “put her head down and turned red with embarrassment.”  McGaugh saw the student shying away from the laughter and decided to give the class a mini lecture on how putting the spotlight on a student like that could make them feel humiliated or excluded. As McGaugh was talking, however, the kids grew quiet in rapt attention. Not only that, but one of the girls quietly took her arms out of her sleeves and turned her own shirt around.  Another student shortly followed suit. Soon enough, all of the students in the class had turned their shirts around back-to-front.  “I just thought it was so caring and just so pure-hearted, they didn’t want her to feel bad,” McGaugh told the CBC. “And not a word was spoken. It was their actions that were just so powerful.”  “It was just one of those golden moments where they taught me, I didn’t teach them, they taught me… I was blessed to witness it,” she added.  (Good News Network)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

After 20 years on the lam, it was just a simple, tiny cherry pit that led to the capture of America’s “most wanted deadbeat” dad. According to the US government, Joseph Stroup owes some $560,000 in child support. He fled arrest in 1998 and at some point ended up in Alberta, Canada. Known there as Joop Cousteau, he got to know staff at a now-closed bar called the Bears Den, outside of Calgary. One day in November, Stroup, now 64, ordered an odd drink – a Cherry Coke topped with eight maraschino cherries. He then complained that a cherry pit, which he held in his hand, had caused damage to his teeth. Bar co-owner Scott Winograd thought the claim was bogus as he knew their maraschino cherries had their pits removed. After a little Googling, Winograd arrived at the Justice Department’s website, which listed Stroup as America’s most wanted deadbeat parent. Winograd said the picture was “a spitting image. Within an hour the FBI, US Marshals and the Office of the Inspector General were calling and Stroup was arrested by the Canada Border Services Agency on Feb. 1. He now faces trial in Michigan over his alleged failure to financially support four children since June 1996. (CBC)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

How did we come up with the word Oxymoron? It sounds like someone who screws up eight times while applying pimple cream.

Clapping is literally hitting yourself because you like something.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


FEBRUARY 23, 2018…

Annihilation has Natalie Portman in a science fiction film about discovering new life forms.

Every Day is a drama/romance about falling in love with someone who changes bodies every day. Stars Maria Bello.

Game Night with Jason Bateman and a group who meet weekly for games.

War With Grandpa is now opening with Robert De Niro trying to live peacefully with his grandson. It is a comedy.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.