March 13, 2017: Monday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170313
PDF: 20170313

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Yesterday, (OTHER JOCK / THE BOSS) and I were playing Frisbee in the hall, but we had to stop because his teeth were getting sore.

If someone became addicted to counseling how would you treat them?

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Do not be afraid of sudden fear nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes; for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught.” – Proverbs 3:25-26

God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship him in spirit and in truth. — John 4:24

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear but like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my righteousness will never fail. — Isaiah 51:6

Thought: I don’t know about you, but sometimes the Bible is so brutally honest it hurts! We consider our world, our earth, to have been here a long time and assume it will be here a long time more. But God reminds us that it is temporary! We are even more temporary: just like flies, we’re here for a short while, and then we’re gone. But not gone, gone! Christians are just gone from the temporary existence of earth because our lives are caught up with Christ in God’s salvation which lasts forever and God’s righteousness that will never end or fail.

Prayer: O Righteous Father who hears my prayers and strengthens me for the journey, thank you for the assurance that what I have as a Christian with you goes beyond the boundaries of death, the limitations of my humanity, and the vulnerabilities of my weaknesses. Thank you that I am tied to you and your salvation and that because of Jesus, you see me as your righteous and holy child. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Thessalonians 3:13 NIV = May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.

TODAY IS MONDAY – MARCH 13, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
286 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is GOOD SAMARITAN INVOLVEMENT DAY. ***Many people forget that Samaria was a true, honest-to-gosh place. That being said, does anyone even know a Samaritan nowadays? Even a Samaritan-American? If not, Good Samaritan Involvement Day is going to be a bit difficult.

  • PHONER: When is the last time a complete stranger did something nice for you? What did they do? Call us and let us know – maybe we can encourage a few random acts of kindness today!

Today is NATIONAL OPEN AN UMBRELLA INDOORS DAY.  ***Open an umbrella indoors and see if anything bad happens.  It won’t… unless you do it next to the china cabinet.

Today is COMMONWEALTH DAY in the United Kingdom.  ***Maybe we should all move to the UK… wealth is common there!

TODAY IS ALSO…
Donald Duck Day
Earmuffs Day
Fill Our Staplers Day
Good Samaritan Involvement Day
Itra-Uterine Growth Awareness Restriction (IUGAR) Day
K-9 Veterans Day  Link
Ken Doll Day
L. Ron Hubbard Day
Napping Day
National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day
*Smart & Sexy Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

TUESDAY, MARCH 14

International Ask A Question Day
International Day of Action for Rivers Link
MOTH-ER Day
Organize Your Home Office Day
Potato Chip Day Link
Pi Day (as in the math pie = 3.14159265 etc.) Link
National Pie Day Link
Save a Spider Day Link

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15

Brain Injury Awareness Day Link
Brutus Day
Buzzards Day Link
Ides of March
International Day of Action Against Canadian Seal Slaughter Link
Kick Butts Day Link
National Shoe The World Day
True Confessions Day
World Consumer Rights Day Link

THURSDAY, MARCH 16

Absolutely Incredible Kid Day
Black Press Day
Campfire Girls Day
Companies That Care Day Link
Curlew Day
Freedom of Information Day
Goddard Day Link  Link
Lips Appreciation Day
No Selfies Day
St. Urho’s Day Link Link

FRIDAY, MARCH 17

St. Patrick’s Day Link
National Day of Action Against Bullying and Violence  Link
National Irish Coffee Day Link

SATURDAY, MARCH 18

Awkward Moments Day
Corn Dog Day Link
BYO Cup Day (7-11) Link
Forgive Mom and Dad Day
International Sports Car Racing Day Link
National Biodiesel Day
Worldwide Quilting Day) Link
Play The Recorder Day

SUNDAY, MARCH 19

Client’s Day Link
Goddess of Fertility Day
National Certified Nurses Day Link
National Chocolate Caramel Day Link
National Poultry Day Link
Operation Iraqi Freedom Day
Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day

MONDAY, MARCH 20

Alien Abduction Day
Atheist Pride Day
Bed-in For Peace Day (Beatles – John and Yoko)
Great American Meat Out Day Link
International Day of Happiness Link  Link
French Language Day Link
Kiss Your Fiancée Day
National Native HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Proposal Day
Snowman Burning Day
Spring (Vernal Equinox) 6:29 am EDT
Well-Elderly or Wellderly Day
World Storytelling Day Link
Won’t You Be My Neighbor Day
World Day of Theatre for Children and Young People Link

ON THIS DAY

1961: Ricky Nelson recorded “Travelin’ Man.” It became his second #1 song. “Poor Little Fool” reached #1 in 1958.

1964: 28-year-old Kitty Genovese was stabbed to death in Queens, New York. The murder occurred over several hours during which the killer left and returned, yet not one of 37 witnesses called police.

1975: Singers George Jones and Tammy Wynette were divorced after a stormy 6-year marriage.

1982: John Jaszowski of Milwaukee hit 12 consecutive strikes to become the youngest bowler ever to roll a perfect game. John was 11 years old.

1983: The Larry King Live show premiered on CNN.

1987: Bryan Adams’ “Heat of the Night” became the first commercially released cassette single in the U.S.

1988: Gallaudet University, a liberal arts college for the hearing-impaired since 1864 in Washington, D.C., chose I. King Jordan to become the school’s first deaf president.

1990: A blind man robbed a bank in Vallejo, California, then asked the teller to guide him out of the building. She refused, and he was still trying to find his way out when police arrived.

1991: Romanian peasant Calin Florea dug up his prize German-made Lanz tractor, which he had buried in his garden 35 years earlier to prevent a communist co-op from confiscating it. He cleaned the engine and it cranked right up.

1996: The Nigerian news agency reported that a woman waiting in line three hours for gasoline gave birth to a baby girl. Others in line at the service station nicknamed the baby “Fuel Crisis.”

1997: A lock of British naval hero Lord Nelson’s hair sold at auction for $8,096.

2002: President Bush declared Iraqi President Saddam Hussein was a menace and had to be dealt with, and Osama bin Laden had been reduced to a marginal figure in the war on terrorism.

2002: On Fox’s “Celebrity Boxing.” Tonya Harding beat Paula Jones, Danny Banaduce whipped Barry Williams and Todd Bridges defeated Vanilla Ice.

2006: U.S. Customs agents in California found 250 bogus billion dollar bills while investigating a man charged with currency smuggling. The investigation led agents to a West Hollywood apartment where they found the stash of yellowing and wrinkled one billion dollar bills with an issue date of 1934 and bearing a picture of President Grover Cleveland.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1456: Johann Gutenberg first publishes the Bible on his printing press with movable type.

1569: Roman Catholics defeat the Huguenots at Jarnac, France. Condé, the Huguenot leader, is killed.

1815: Presbyterian medical missionary James Hepburn is born in Milton, Pennsylvania. In the course of his missions work, he compiled the first Japanese-English dictionary and supervised the first complete translation of the Bible into Japanese.

1892: Charles Henry Packhurst preaches his famous documented sermon against Tammany Hall corruption in New York, helping to bring about reform in that city.

1925: Austin Peay, governor of Tennessee, signs the “Butler Bill,” prohibiting any teaching that contradicted the Genesis creation story. By July, John Scopes was on trial for violating the legislation and the “trial of the century” had begun.

1925: Tennessee prohibits the teaching of evolution in public schools. This ban led to the Scopes Monkey trial in which William Jennings Bryan prosecuted Scopes (who was found guilty of violating the law). Court rulings have not allowed prohibitions like Tennessee’s to stand.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Gremlins, “Mr. Belvedere”) Tracy Wells 45 (audio clip)

  • actress (Monica Reyes in “The X-Files,” Elizabeth Bartlet Westin in “The West Wing”) Annabeth Gish 46 (audio clip)

  • actress (Julie Hastings on “7th Heaven”) Deborah Raffin 64 (audio clip)

  • Donald Duck 83

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1939 : Neil Sedaka

1940 : Daniel Bennie (The Reflections)

1949 : Donald York (Sha Na Na)

1960 : Adam Clayton (U2)

1978 : Common

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

What causes jet lag?
Scientists long ago ruled out airline food and forced exposure to hours of droning conversation from the bore in the seat next to you as causes. The funny thing is that the cause most people would point to, a change in time zones with the accompanying confusion with meal and bed times is also apparently not the only answer. Many people flying North to South, without changing time zones, also suffer from jet lag. (That surprised me, too!) So what else could be the cause? Most likely it’s the pressurized cabin with its low humidity, the plane’s vibration, engine noise, and radiation from the high altitude. In other words, your body is being assaulted while you sit there with your seat belt fastened. The solution? Drink plenty of water, move around the cabin, and take vitamin supplements. (And next time take the train, but not if you’re crossing the ocean.)

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Joey Feek died of cervical cancer on March 4, 2016 at the age of 40. She may be gone, but, according to People Magazine, her songs are about to get a second life. Feek won a Grammy this year as one half of the husband and wife country duo Joey + Rory, and now a collection of her solo material will be released on April 7 through Gaither Music Group. Physical copies of the release will include a 48-page booklet, including stories and pictures from throughout the duo’s marriage and career. http://peoplem.ag/Tt5xG2a

Steven Curtis Chapman was on Fox news last week, talking about faith, family and music. Steven just released his memoir, Between Heaven and the Real World. However, if you missed the live broadcast, you can now check it out online. http://video.foxnews.com/v/5353230963001/?playlist_id=930909787001

Mercyme announced this week that they will be releasing three songs from their new album Lifer through Cracker Barrel Old Country Store. In advance of the release, the members of the band were at Cracker Barrel last week to play an acoustic version of one of those songs. Check out their rendition of “His Eye Is On The Sparrow”. https://www.facebook.com/crackerbarrel/videos/1239008126148952/

Selah is celebrating 20 years of ministry with a new album. The trio celebrated their 20th anniversary last week and posted: Thank you for supporting us all these years! On March 24 Selah will release their next album. The 13 song project is titled Unbreakable. http://flyt.it/Unbreakable

Be on the look for Steven Curtis Chapman at a book store near you. He posted: never know where I will pop up to sign books. Today I sneaked (or is it snuck…or snucked) into Hudson Books at the Orlando Airport. Where will I “snake” next to do some secret signing? https://www.instagram.com/p/BRZIza6hZ1s/

Mandisa’s new album will come out later this year but music from the project is already available. The song Unfinished is available for download already. Mandisa says the message of the song is that, even with all of my mistakes, God is not done making me into a masterpiece; that He’s still working on me. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRa_KYYBluN/

Matt Maher would appreciate your prayers. He and Mandisa are both currently on Tobymac’s Hit’s Deep tour and Mandisa posted this week: Please pray for Matt and his family. He had a family emergency and had to step away from the tour. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRcAi5rBp-2/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A 14-year-old boy in Denmark, armed with a metal detector, found a crashed German aircraft on his family farm this week. The remains of the pilot were still inside. ***Exciting beginning of a new Indiana Jones movie… or creepy ending of the life of actor/pilot Harrison Ford?

Identical twins in New York were named their high school valedictorian and salutatorian. ***I can’t tell you which is which though.

Police in China detained a man for threatening to kill his ex-girlfriend and her family after he dressed as a suicide bomber by strapping himself with sausages. The suspect threatened to blow himself up along with the family outside their home unless his girlfriend came out to talk. ***His girlfriend saw right through him though, and shouted, “Go ahead – blow yourself up! We all know you’re full of bologna!”

In Springfield, Missouri, 19-year-old Victoria Vanatter allegedly allowed her intoxicated boyfriend to cut her arm and drink her blood while the two were discussing vampires. But then they got into an argument and she reportedly stabbed him. Vanatter pleaded not guilty to charges of first-degree domestic assault and armed criminal action. She claims he repeatedly hit her during the argument and she finally stabbed him in the back and shoulder in self-defense. Officers responding to Vanatter’s 911 call said they found the bloodied couple, a heart drawn in blood on a living room wall, and “I’m sorry” scrawled in blood along with another heart on a kitchen counter. On the boyfriend’s bare chest was a symbol of a cross that also appeared to be drawn in blood. Vanatter told investigators that she routinely cut herself so she could drink her own blood and “believed she could become a serial killer.” Her boyfriend refused to cooperate with police and insisted his knife wounds were self-inflicted. ***Sounds like they deserve each other.

Kelly Osbourne says her mom, Sharon, is getting surgery for a pinched nerve in her back. ***Strange. I’d have thought with her family it would’ve been a pain in the butt.

A federal judge on Wednesday dismissed a lawsuit accusing Cher of using a typeface created by Brooklyn, NY, graphic designer for her 2013 album “Closer to the Truth” without permission. ***I’m confused.. so does this mean that she didn’t break the law when using the typeface, or does it mean the judge is a Cher fan?

It looks more and more like Joe Piscopo is going to make a run at governor in New Jersey. ***Okay people, listen up – just because Ronald Reagan was in show business before becoming a great politician, doesn’t all you are capable of doing that. I’m talking to you, Joe Piscopo, Al Franken, Jesse Ventura, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Donald Trump, Ted Nugent, the late Sonny Bono. Just go back to entertaining people, will ya? That’s really all you’re qualified to do. Well, except for you, Sonny – you’re good where you are.

A burger-flipping robot has just completed its first day on the job at CaliBurger, a hamburger chain in California, replacing humans at the grill. ***Way to go, $15-per-hour crowd… you can blame yourselves for this one.

Two Wisconsin men are facing theft charges for allegedly stealing diapers. Police (in Fox Crossing) allege the men stole nearly 1,800 cases of diapers — valued at more than $45,000 — from a charitable organization that provides goods to families in need. ***If your kid is pooping so much that you need to steal over 100,000 diapers – you might want to take that little rug rat to a doctor.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

If you take a lunchtime run, walk, or stroll, you’ll return to work feeling less stressed if you exercise in a park. Finnish researchers found that even short-term visits to nature areas have positive effects on perceived stress relief. ***Or if you’re in a rush, skip the park walk and listen to the song MacArthur Park.

Too much sugar will make you stupid, according to researchers. The suggestion follows tests in the laboratory comparing high-fructose corn syrup, which is six times sweeter than cane sugar and a common ingredient in processed foods, with omega-3 fatty acids, known to aid memory and learning. In an experiment on rats, one group had a sugary diet for six weeks and another was fed healthily. At the start of the study, published in the Journal of Physiology, the University of California team tested how well the rats navigated a maze – placing landmarks to help them learn the way. Six weeks later, the researchers tested the rats’ ability to recall the route. Study co-author Professor Fernando Gomez-Pinilla said the rats fed just a sugary diet were slower and their brains had declined. He said: ‘Eating a high-fructose diet over the long term alters your brain’s ability to learn and remember information. ***Even worse, it took them six tries to finally spell “fructose” correctly.

Racial and ethnic minorities now make up more than half the children born in the U.S. – surpassing births of white children. ***So, that makes Caucasians a minority now, right? What government programs am I now qualified for?

Watching TV is killing you. A recent study found an association between people who watch loads of TV and living shorter. By tracking death rates and lifestyle survey responses, the study found that for people over 25, for every hour of TV watched, their lifespan shortened by 22 minutes. ***I should be dead by now.

Experts are saying print newspapers could one day become a “luxury item”. ***Still worth the money, though. Ever try to housebreak a puppy using an iPad?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: And you thought YOU were busy! Tune in again next time – if you have time, that is – to see what the jungle animals do about their own time problems! As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

With or without a red cape, playing with bulls is a DUHngerous game!

Saying that a father put his son’s life in danger, a Spanish judge has revoked the parental visitation rights of a man who took his ten-year-old son running with the bulls in Pamplona. Spanish television showed the boy smiling as he ran ahead of a pack of charging bulls with his father. The images didn’t sit well with city officials, who fined the boy’s father 200 dollars. According to city regulations, runners in the festival must be 18 years old. It also angered the man’s ex-wife, who took her case to the police after she saw the footage.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS LEARNED FROM VIDEO GAMES

10. The thumb will someday evolve into the mightiest muscle in the body.

9. up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start

8. Just because you can play DDR (Dance, Dance Revolution) does NOT mean you can dance.

7. If you have been kidnapped it’s better to call a plumber than the cops

6. Jumping is one of life’s most important skills.

5. The phrase “seen one, seen ’em all” is particularly true in regards to terrorists, guards, scientists, and cops.

4. Newton’s laws of physics are just loose guidelines.

3. You can carry a pistol, an AK-47, a rocket launcher, a knife, a mini-gun, and a bloody chainsaw and nobody will get suspicious.

2. Guards will always walk in a simple easily memorized pattern.

1. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Sometimes, even criminals worry about how they look in public!

FILE #1: Clifford Myles of Thunder Bay, Ontario, decided to give police officers an exciting chase when he was being pulled over for his erratic driving.  Instead of stopping, Clifford drove onto a grocery store parking lot, where he slammed into several shopping carts.  Not being able to beat the cops AND the shopping carts, Clifford abandoned the car and decided to make it a chase on foot.  But wait!  It was a Wednesday.  Apparently Wednesdays are when Clifford gets a haircut.  So he stepped into a nearby salon for a quick trim.  Now we’re talkin’ genius: chased by cops, overcome by shopping carts, Clifford stops for a haircut.  At least his hair looked good at the arraignment, later that same day.

FILE #2: In Brooklyn, New York, Abdullah Darby sent a threatening letter to the cops, filled with a white powder and concluding with the words “Catch me if you can.” The New York cops were up to the challenge, even though Darby made it easy for them. Right after “Catch me if you can” he signed his real name. And he included his return address on the envelope.

FILE #3: William Fogarty forgot to pay a parking ticket… 60 years ago.  The 86-year-old intended to pay it the same week he received it in Norfolk, Virginia– even going so far as to purchase a $1 money order to pay the $1 ticket.  But he forgot to send it in. About a month ago, as he was looking through a box of collectibles, William discovered a wallet with the money order inside. So he wrote a letter to the Norfolk Police Department and included the money order. Norfolk police says Fogarty’s money order will not be cashed. Instead, it will be framed and displayed in the department’s museum.

STRANGE LAW: A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him in Paulding, OH.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

If you keep buying alcohol when you’re drunk, and you get hurt – is it the fault of the alcohol sellers? That’s the case one man is trying to make in a lawsuit!

A Florida man who said he was shocked by 13,000 volts of electricity after climbing up a transformer in a “drunken stupor” has sued six bars and stores that allegedly sold him alcohol. Ed O’Rourke also named Tampa Electric Co. as a defendant in the lawsuit. He said the utility did not do enough to prevent him from slipping into a fenced, gated and locked sub station and scaling the electrical transformer one night in May 1996. O’Rourke was thrown more than 40 feet from the transformer and burned over 60 percent of his body, leaving him with permanent immobility in his right arm and severe scarring. According to the lawsuit, O’Rourke is “unable to control his urge to drink alcoholic beverages” and that the bars and stores negligently served or sold him alcohol despite his “continual consumption.”

PHONER PHUN

Would you rather give up the television or your smart phone for a week?

In what ways do you want your children to be like you? In what ways do you not want them to be like you?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was King Solomon talking about when he said that “it biteth like a serpent, and stingeth like an adder.”
ANSWER: Wine (“Don’t let the sparkle and smooth taste of wine deceive you. For in the end it bites like a poisonous serpent; it stings like a viper.” –Proverbs 23:31-32)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Researchers say the more of these two foods you eat, the less your chance of having asthma. What two foods do they suggest you eat more of?

ANSWER: Carrots and tomatoes

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Americans fill in 54 acres of crossword puzzles each day. (True)

2. In ancient Athens, every third man worked with marble. (True)

3. Woody Woodpecker’s hometown was Lawrence. (False – Puddleburgh)

4. A woodpecker can peck 200 times a second. (False – 20 times a second)

5. You can get 7.5 thousand toothpicks out of a cord of wood. (False – 7.5 million!)

6. Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo, is the novel that contains the longest sentence in literature. (True. The sentence has 823 words.)

7. Alaska doesn’t have any counties. (True)

8. Waterskiing was originally called “plank-gliding”. (True – in England.)

9. The real name of the Riddler (of Batman fame) is E. Nigma. (True – the “E” stands for Edward.)

10. The revolving star on the back of a cowboy’s spurs is called a “rowel.” (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_______ PLOT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD (WITCHES)

A global network of powerful witches and Satanists hold the fate of the world in their hands – warns a terrorism expert.

Sorcerers, all of them practiced in the black arts, are present in every nation on Earth.  They usually keep in close touch by cell phone and now – by text.  And they are plotting to – takeover the world.

“Their aim is, quite simply, to pave the way for the arrival of their master, known in the Bible as the Beast whose number is 666,” says writer Tim Blish, the world’s top Wiccan researcher.  ”In other words, Satan, the Antichrist.

“They’re working hard for world domination, so the Antichrist will easily ascend to power.  And the horrifying thing is that they will likely be successful.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Stumpy goes to his first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Stumpy walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

JOKE #2

“I caught a 250-pound marlin the other day!”

“That’s nothing. I was fishing and hooked a lamp from an old Spanish ship. In fact, the light was still lit!”

“If you blow out the light, I’ll take 200 pounds off the marlin!”

JOKE #3

While waiting in line at the bank, Walter developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took Walter’s check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check. “Why not?” Walter asked incredulously.

“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact,” she continued, “our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000.”



“It can’t be!” he cried. “You have to be kidding!”



“Yes, I am,” she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. “But you will notice that your hiccups are gone.”

USELESS FACTS

The FDA reports that meat from cloned animals is perfectly safe to eat.  ***Plus, it’s great for making double cheeseburgers.

The average American spends about $6 a week on lottery tickets. ***This just in… the average American loses about $6 a week on the lottery.

FEATURED FUNNIES

YOU ASKED

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, “Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?”
“No, dear, not at all,” he replied, “Our house isn’t blue.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

One UPS delivery driver’s life is saved after an auto accident due to the cargo he was carrying in his truck!

After a UPS driver was involved in a crash on an icy road near Keene, New Hampshire, he was rushed to the hospital with a head injury. Unfortunately, when they got him to the medical center, it was discovered that the machine used to do the necessary tests was broken, although the parts were on order. Sure enough, after checking the status of the order, hospital personnel discovered that the parts needed to fix the machine had been shipped via UPS… and were on the very truck that just crashed and required the UPS guy to be in the hospital and need the tests!  The parts were retrieved, and the UPS driver is recovering nicely.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?

Robert R. Thomas

Hurricane Bertha left me in a bad mood. I had managed to maintain my sour disposition for several days in spite of the attempts of almost everybody to cheer me up. I had leaks in my ceiling at the gallery, the floors were flooded, the showcases dirty, there was no air conditioning or electricity, and I had over one hundred artists calling me to see if their work had been damaged. On top of all that, I had to drive over to Jacksonville in the pouring rain and choking heat, and the air conditioner in my truck had quit working. I was not happy.

As I motored along North Carolina’s Highway 24 to Jacksonville, my faithful truck was trying to tell me something . . Something important like . . . YOU FORGOT TO BUY GAS! For the first time in my life I had run out of gas. I’d always smirked at the friends and family who’d done this, as if to say, “How could you be so stupid? There’s a gauge on the dashboard to tell you that your tank is empty, and all you have to do is read it.”I was right: There was a gauge, and it said EMPTY.

I was not happy. I coasted to the side of the road, saying several things about my own mental abilities . . . Several things about Hurricane Bertha . . . And vowing to sit there until the darn truck rotted and fell apart. As I contemplated the possibility of getting a job with the French Foreign Legion, I heard a motorcycle pull up

beside me: a big, throaty, rumbling, growling Harley-Davidson. I opened my door and was face to face with a throwback to the 1960s. Snakes were painted all over his face shield and helmet and tattooed all over his body. He wore the traditional Harley-Davidson garb: denim jacket, jeans and biker boots. Chains hung from every available hook or loop. His hair was so long that he had it doubled up and tied to keep it out of his wheels. The Harley was straight out of Easy Rider – extended front fork; suicide rack on the back; black, purple and green paint job, and the gas tank painted to look like a skull with glowing green eyes.

“S’wrong?” he said. His shield and helmet completely masked his face

“I’m out of gas,” I whispered.

“B’right back.” And he rode off.

About fifteen minutes later he returned with a can of gas. When I offered to pay him he said, “Wait till ya get to the station.”

I started my truck and drove the two or three miles to the station as he followed along (in the pouring rain). Again I offered to pay him. He said, “Pay the guy inside. Everything okay now?”

I said yes.

He said, “See ya!” And off he rode down Highway 24 toward Jacksonville, hair undone and flying in the wind, Harley roaring and throwing up spray from the pavement.

After pumping twenty-four dollars worth of gas, I went into the station and gave the attendant thirty dollars. He said, “It’s only four dollars. The other guy paid twenty and said to tell you to ‘pass it on, Brother.'”

I will always remember the kindness of the snakes-and-chains stranger on the Harley with the glowing green eyes, and I will never again judge anyone by their looks (a promise I had often made to myself). And I will always wonder, “Who was that masked man?”

As for the twenty dollars . . . I passed it on.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

STAY IN THE SUNSHINE – Richard De Haan

Read: John 15:5-17

If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love. – John 15:10

In his book The Best Is Yet To Be, Henry Durbanville told the story of a little girl in London who won a prize at a flower show. Her entry was grown in an old cracked teapot and had been placed in the attic window of a rundown tenement house. When someone asked how she managed to raise such a lovely flower in such an unlikely environment, she said she moved it around so it would always be in the sunlight.

Durbanville then reminded his readers of Jesus’ words, “As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love” (John 15:9). We learn from this that we too must keep ourselves continually in the warmth of Christ’s love.

We abide in Christ’s love when we show love to others. Jesus made this clear when He said, “If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love . . . . This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends” (vv.10,12-13).

We feel the warmth of Christ’s love when we obey His commandment to love and serve others. That’s the way to stay in the sunshine.

Our love for God is seen in our love for others.

LEFTOVERS

I SPY

In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in Washington, D.C. Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described. To my great surprise, it did — and a cellophane-wrapped letter was inside. After a moment’s hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter. An unidentified reader had penned, “Good book, wasn’t it?”

LIFE… LIVE IT

What is the secret to getting a solid 7 to 8 hours of sleep?

…Head for the kitchen and enjoy one or two of these 10 foods. They relax tense muscles, quiet buzzing minds, and/or get calming, sleep-inducing hormones – serotonin and melatonin – flowing. Yawning yet? Here are some foods that are good bedtime foods (from Yahoo Food):

  • Bananas. They’re practically a sleeping pill in a peel. In addition to a bit of soothing melatonin and serotonin, bananas contain magnesium, a muscle relaxant.

  • Chamomile tea. The reason chamomile is such a staple of bedtime tea blends is its mild sedating effect.

  • Warm milk. It’s not a myth. Milk has some tryptophan – an amino acid that has a sedative – like effect – and calcium, which helps the brain use tryptophan.

  • Honey. Drizzle a little in your warm milk or herb tea. Lots of sugar is stimulating, but a little glucose tells your brain to turn off orexin, a recently discovered neurotransmitter that’s linked to alertness.

  • Potatoes. A small baked spud won’t overwhelm your GI tract, and it clears away acids that can interfere with yawn-inducing tryptophan.

  • Oatmeal. Oats are a rich source of sleep – inviting melatonin, and a small bowl of warm cereal with a splash of maple syrup is cozy – plus if you’ve got the munchies, it’s filling too.

  • Almonds. A handful of these heart-healthy nuts can be snooze-inducing, as they contain both tryptophan and a nice dose of muscle-relaxing magnesium.

  • Flaxseeds. When life goes awry and feeling down is keeping you up, try sprinkling 2 tablespoons of these healthy little seeds on your bedtime oatmeal.

  • Whole-wheat bread. A slice of toast with your tea and honey will release insulin, which helps tryptophan get to your brain, where it’s converted to serotonin and quietly murmurs “time to sleep.”

  • Turkey. It’s the most famous source of tryptophan, credited with all those Thanksgiving naps. But that’s actually modern folklore. Tryptophan works when your stomach’s basically empty, not overstuffed, and when there are some carbs around, not tons of protein.

JUST FOR FUN

QUICK FLIGHT TO THE ISLANDS

It was the fastest vacation ever… a flight to Hawaii from Washington and back in less than 24 hours!

It was a very short trip to paradise for one 13-year-old boy: He flew from Washington to Hawaii and back in less than a day. The unidentified teen managed to charge the airline ticket online to his mother’s credit card — and got himself to the airport and aboard the flight to Maui. But his mom figured out where he was going at her expense, so a Maui County officer met him on his arrival. The boy was booked on a return flight, and was back home before midnight. The boy’s mother realized her son was missing and checked their home computer, which showed he had ordered a plane ticket to Hawaii. His mother sentenced him to “two years of yard work” to cover the cost of his ticket.  ***MARLAR: “Aw, Mom – how about a break?  Like maybe two years of yard work… in Hawaii?”

FUN LIST

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF JESUS WERE ON EARTH TODAY?

If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be wanted by…

  • the FDA and the BATF for turning water into wine without a license

  • the EPA for killing fig trees

  • the AMA for practicing medicine without a license

  • the Health Department for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness

  • the NEA for teaching without a certificate

  • OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket

  • the FAA for flying without an airplane

  • the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life

  • the EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission) for not choosing a woman apostle

  • the Zoning Department for building mansions without a permit

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

We try to avoid sewer humor here on the show – but how about toilet paper?  Can we talk about that?

Philadelphia police have arrested a man who stole a truckload of toilet paper! The truck was stolen after its driver left the engine running to warm it up, but officers caught the thief using a satellite tracking system installed on the truck to pinpoint its location. The 44-year-old man claims that he was going to sell the 18,000 rolls of toilet paper on the streets. ***MARLAR: This guy was ready to sell 18,000 rolls of toilet paper… on the street?  Is there a black market for toilet paper that I don’t know about?  Do you know ANYONE who’s “Jonesin” for a roll of 2-ply?

  • PHONER: He planned to sell 18,000 roles of toilet paper on the street? How uncreative! If you had 18,000 roles of toilet paper, what would YOU do with it?

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

The state of Kentucky has passed a bill to protect the right to religious expression in public schools. The impetus for the bill was due to a censorship issue that occurred around Christmastime. School officials reportedly censored the scene from the beloved “A Charlie Brown Christmas” in which the character Linus talks about the true meaning of Christmas. The school in Johnson County censored the scene from the school’s Christmas production. Read the full story at http://dlvr.it/NZrWJ8

The Archbishop of Canterbury is to launch a new training session aimed at helping Christians to share their faith. The video will be available for download and use in churches from March 20 and is part of Thy Kingdom Come – the global ‘wave of prayer’ between Ascension and Pentecost (May 25 to June 4, 2017). You can learn more about it at http://bit.ly/2n2eHqu

JellyTelly has announced the next series in their popular 5 Minute Family Devotionals. According to merge pr, The new original series began on Monday, March 6 and is available on YouTube and the JellyTelly streaming video app. Each of JellyTelly’s devotionals features a short video that tells a Bible story, a Bible verse, and a variety of short discussion questions and prayer prompts. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_oVYDT613F6viE3JENV-Yg

Daylight Savings Time is back.. so we lost an hour heading into Sunday morning. According to the National Sleep Foundation, the loss of just one hour’s sleep can make sleep-deprived people more accident-prone, increasing the risk of highway crashes. Studies have found up to a 17% increase in fatal car crashes in the four days immediately after the switch to Daylight Saving Time. The average adult needs about eight hours of sleep each night, yet more than a third of American adults sleep fewer than seven hours a night. Lack of sleep interferes with the daily activities of approximately 35% of those adults, studies show. Because it’s not so easy to reset the body’s internal clock, even those who get plenty of sleep may find themselves feeling disoriented, cranky or groggy today. It’s much like a case of jet lag, and the rule of thumb is that it will take the body clock one day to adjust for each hour of time change. So hopefully that means tomorrow you’ll feel a-okay again.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. –Timothy Leary

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MARCH 10, 2017…

My Scientology—This is a documentary about Scientology and made by Louis Theroux who investigated the church. Among those interviewed are Rob Altar, Jefferson Hawkins and Tom Cruise. “My Scientology” has no rating but could be PG 13. No rating.

Leap!—An animated film about an orphan girl who wants to become a dancer, actually a ballerina. Isn’t this the dream of little girls? In this story, she travels to Paris and takes another name. Voices include Elle Fanning, Dane DeHaan and Carly Rae Jepson. “Leap!” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

Kong: Skull Island–Ready for gigantic? Here comes Kong and he is the largest of all, on his island with various creatures. Of course, the island is hidden and discovered in the Pacific Ocean and about to be explored by scientists and soldiers. The cast includes Tom Hiddleston, John Goodman and Samuel L. Jackson. “Kong: Skull Island” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans and you know who you are. Godzilla, where are you?

Raw—This is a French made horror film (subtitles) about a young medical student who is a vegetarian, but during a hazing gets a taste for meat. Oh, my, you can see it coming. The cast includes Garance Manilleix, Ella Rumff and Rabuh Ouella. “Raw” is rated R and an adult film. No rating. (another title for this film was “Freaking.“)

The Last Word—Shirley MacLaine stars in this comedy/drama of a successful business woman who wants to write her obituary beforehand. She hires someone (Amanda Seyfried) to assist her. Do opposites attract? Hardly. Also in the cast are Philip Baker Hall and Tom Everett Scott. “The Last Word” is rated R. No rating.

Ottoman Lieutenant—This drama set in the early 1900’s concerns a young woman who visits the Middle East and falls in love. What to do? This is war crisis time. The cast includes Michele Huisman, Hura, Josh Hartnett and Sir Ben Kingsley. “Ottoman Lieutenant” is rated R. No rating.

The Great Wall—Why was The Great Wall built? To keep people in or keep them out? Matt Damon finds out as he is in prison near The Wall and finds out just what it’s purpose is. Think “Lord of the Rings” characters here. “The Great Wall” is rated R. No rating.

MARCH 17, 2017…

Beauty and the Beast and this one has a whooper of a cast with Dan Stevens (“Downton Abbey” as the Beast and Emma Watson (“Harry Potter”) as Belle.

Free Fire is an action film about gang violence set in Boston in the 1970’s. Stars Armie Hammer.

Belko Experiment—Similar to Tom Hiddleston’s “High Rise” of last year, it is about people locked in a high-rise and figuring out how to survive. This film has Tony Goldwyn in it.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.