March 21, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20170321
PDF: 20170321

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m really not ready to go on with the show yet. My wife and I had an argument this morning, and I still have her car keys up my nose.

Gas prices are insane right now. I’m beginning to think keeping my childhood tricycle wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

It is by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth … Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved. –Acts 4:10-12

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. — Romans 15:13

Beyond all question, the mystery of godliness is great: He appeared in a body, was vindicated by the Spirit, was seen by angels, was preached among the nations, was believed on in the world, was taken up in glory. — 1 Timothy 3:16

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. — Genesis 3:6

Thought: Ouch! We’ve known the way of sin for thousands of years. Yet we sometimes still follow the same path. We’re lured by something pleasing to our eyes. We pause for closer inspection of it, allowing ourselves to be caught up in its desirability. We dabble in it and play with it. We then participate in the sin. Finally, we involve others in sin. You’d think we would have learned the pattern and would have stopped by now. So with the help of the Holy Spirit, why don’t we start trying to do just that?

Prayer: Father, please forgive me for my rebellious and sinful heart. I want to live wholly for you. I don’t want to be captured by the allure of sin or tempted by worldly passions, but I do want to passionately live a godly life for your glory. In Jesus’ mighty name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

John 3:21 NIV = But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – MARCH 21, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
278 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is SINGLE PARENTS DAY, dedicated to recognizing issues related to single-parent families. ***Hats off to all of you single parents… I don’t know how you do it. My wife and I can’t even work things out to get the kitty-litter box emptied each week.

ANONYMOUS GIVING WEEK begins today.  ***Please send all checks and money orders payable to (JOCK) care of… (THIS STATION)…

Today is NATIONAL TEENAGER’S DAY, a day for adults to try to understand teenagers. ***Here’s a tip. Talk on a cell phone for hours, throw your clothes on the floor, eat everything in the refrigerator that’s not a vegetable, and then wear an ear-buds to bed while listening to music cranked up to “11”.

It’s still ACT HAPPY WEEK.  ***It doesn’t matter if you truly are happy, just ACT happy – will ya?  The rest of us don’t want to deal with your sourpuss attitude.

Today is NATIONAL MEMORY DAY.  ***In celebration of. . . um. . . I can’t recall.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Afghanistan Day
National Agriculture Day
International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination
International Day of Forests and The Tree
International Day of Nowruz
Memory Day
National Common Courtesy Day
National Day of Action On Syringe Exchange
National Renewable Energy Day
National Single Parent Day
Poetry Day
Spring Fairy Fun Day
Twitter Day
World Down Syndrome Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22

As Young As You Feel Day
Education and Sharing Day
International Day of The Seal
National Goof-off Day
Tuskegee Airmen Day
World Day for Water (aka World Water Day)

THURSDAY, MARCH 23

National Puppy Day
National Chia Day
National Tamale Day
Near Miss Day
OK Day
World Meteorological Day

FRIDAY, MARCH 24

International Day for the Right to the Truth Concerning Gross Human Rights Violations and for Dignity of Victims
National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
Red Nose Day
US Snow Shoe Days
World Tuberculosis Day

SATURDAY, MARCH 25

Be Mad Day
Earth Hour (Not to be confused with Earth Day. This pertains to turning off lights.)
Endometriosis March Day
International Day of Remembrance of The Victims of Slavery and The Transatlantic
International Day of Solidarity with Detained and Missing Staff Members
National Day of Celebration of Greek & American Democracy
National Medal of Honor Day
Old New Year’s Day
Pecan Day
Tolkien Reading Day
Vaffeldagen (Waffle Day)

SUNDAY, MARCH 26

Legal Assistants Day
Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
Mothering Sunday
Purple Day: 26
Spinach Day

MONDAY, MARCH 27

Celebrate Exchange Day
Mule Day
Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day

TUESDAY, MARCH 28

American Diabetes Association Alert Day
Barnum & Bailey Day
Be Mad Day
Virtual Advocacy Day
Weed Appreciation Day

ON THIS DAY

1617: While on a goodwill trip with husband John Rolphe, America’s best-known princess, Pocahontas, died in Gravesend, England, of either smallpox or pneumonia. She was believed to be 22.

1747: During a violent storm at sea, 22-year-old English slave ship captain John Newton dramatically became a Christian. He abandoned the slave trade and became an Anglican minister for 43 years. He composed the song “Amazing Grace.”

1790: Thomas Jefferson reported to President Washington in New York as the new secretary of state.

1939: Singer Kate Smith recorded “God Bless America.”

1964: The Beatles released “Can’t Buy Me Love.” The record already had sold 2.1 million copies, the largest worldwide advance record sale.

1965: Some 3,000 civil rights demonstrators led by the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. began their march in Alabama from Selma to Montgomery.

1977: Mrs. James Duck of Memphis became history’s fastest mother. Her triplets were born naturally in under two minutes. ***Instead of a blanket the doctor asked the nurse for a catcher’s mitt.

1980: The TV show Dallas left viewers wondering, “Who Shot J.R.?” When the series resumed in the fall, 300-million viewers in 57 countries tuned in to see Kristin pull the trigger. (audio clip)

1989: Dick Clark announced he would leave American Bandstand after hosting the TV show for 33 years. His replacement was 26-year-old David Hirsh. ***Who still looked older than Dick Clark.

1990: In a sermon Tammy Faye Bakker said, “Love has no nose … poor people sometimes don’t smell too good, so love can have no nose.” ***And apparently love has no tact either.

1991: Leo Fender died at age 82. He built the first solid-body electric guitar to be mass-produced, the Fender Broadcaster, in 1948. Renamed the Telecaster in 1950, Fender’s guitar became the mainstay of both country and rock musicians. The Fender Precision, introduced in 1950, was the first electric bass.

1994: The Chicago White Sox cut former NBA star Michael Jordan and sent him to the minor leagues.

1994: “Schindler’s List” won best picture at the 66th Academy Awards; Holly Hunter was named best actress for “The Piano” and Tom Hanks won best actor for “Philadelphia.”

1995: New Jersey dedicated the Howard Stern Rest Area along Route 295.

1999: Sheriff Tom Jones in Colby, Kansas, told reporters some prisoners liked their new black-and-white striped uniforms with the old-fashioned round convict caps because they made them “look professional.” Other prisoners thought the uniforms were demeaning. ***Well, we can’t have prisoners being unhappy now, can we?

2000: A divided U.S. Supreme Court ruled the government lacked authority to regulate tobacco as an addictive drug.

2002: Caught red-handed with a duffel bag full of liquor, cigarettes and cigars stolen from a convenience store, a Louisiana man blamed his “evil twin brother” after being shown surveillance video of him breaking into the store. Franklinton police said the suspect did indeed have a brother, but he was neither a twin nor evil.

2005: The Pew Hispanic Center reported the number of undocumented residents in the United States totaled 11 million people.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1146: At the urging of Bernard of Clairvaux (one of the most famous theologians and monks of his day), France’s King Louis VII announces he will lead the Second Crusade to regain the crusader capital of Edessa. When he failed two years later, Christians were devastated that a crusade preached by a moral exemplar and led by royalty could fail.

1556: After denying earlier forced recantations, Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Cranmer, a crucial figure in the English Reformation and author of the Book of Common Prayer, is burned at the stake by Queen Mary. He reportedly thrust his arm into the flames, saying the hand that had signed the recantations should be the first to burn.

1685: German organist and composer Johann Sebastian Bach is born in Eisenach, Germany. Though largely unrecognized in his day and forgotten for years after his death, he has since become recognized as one of history’s unequalled musical masters. But music was never just music to Bach. Nearly three-fourths of his 1,000 compositions were written for use in worship. Between his musical genius, his devotion to Christ, and the effect of his music, he has gained recognition in many circles as the “Fifth Evangelist.

1747: Slave trading sea captain John Newton dramatically converts to Christianity during a violent storm. He is best known for penning the hymn “Amazing Grace”.

1778: Charles Wesley, brother of John and author of 8,989 hymns (including “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing,” “And Can It Be,” “O for a Thousand Tongues to Sing,” “Love Divine, All Loves Excelling,” “Jesus, Lover of My Soul,” “Christ the Lord Is Risen Today,” “Soldiers of Christ, Arise,” and “Rejoice! the Lord Is King!”), dies at age 81.

1871: Journalist Henry M. Stanley, on assignment for the New York Herald, begins his search for David Livingstone in Africa. After he found him (and uttered the famous words “Dr. Livingstone, I presume?”), the Scottish missionary converted him. Stanley was persuaded to return to Africa years later to continue missionary work and exploration.

1900: After the death of its founder, evangelist Dwight L. Moody, Chicago’s Bible Institute for Home and Foreign Missions changes its name to Moody Bible Institute.

1965: Baptist minister Martin Luther King, Jr., leads more than 3,000 civil rights demonstrators on a march from Selma, Alabama, to Montgomery. By the time they reached their destination four days later, the group had expanded to 25,000.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • TV talker & actress (Sleepless In Seattle, A League of Their Own) Rosie O’Donnell 55

  • actor (Godzilla, Inspector Gadget, Ferris Beuler’s Day Off) Matthew Broderick is 55 (audio drop)

  • actor (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Lost in Space, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Book of Eli) Gary Oldman 59

  • actor (The Rocketeer, The Living Daylights – 007) Timothy Dalton 73

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1685 : Johann Sebastian Bach

1839 : Modest Mussorgsky

1902 : Son House

1918 : Sir Charles Thompson

1919 : Billy Joe Hunter

1923 : Mort Lindsey

1930 : Otis Spann

1936 : Solomon Burke

1941 : John Boylan

1943 : Viv Stanshall (The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band)

1945 : Rosemary Stone (Sly and the Family Stone)

1946 : Ray Dorset (Mungo Jerry)

1949 : Eddie Money

1950 : Roger Hodgson (Supertramp)

1951 : Conrad Lozano (Los Lobos)

1951 : Russell Thompkins, Jr. (The Stylistics)

1953 : Robert Johnson (KC and the Sunshine Band)

1957 : Sean Dickson (The Soup Dragons)

1957 : Jonas Berggren (Ace Of Base)

1967 : MC Maxim (The Prodigy)

1968 : Andrew Copeland (Sister Hazel)

1980 : Deryck Whibley (Sum 41)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How does a bill-changing machine or soda machine determine that your dollar bill is or isn’t counterfeit?

Do you, like me, take it personally when one of your bills is rejected? Only my therapist knows just how badly this electro-magnetic authority figure makes me feel. In passing judgment, the machine checks for several characteristics. For instance, by passing a light through it, the changer examines your bill’s gross density (my Junior High School gym teacher would have scored high). It also uses light rays to check the alignment of thin lines embedded in your bill. A magnet generates a signal from the ink in your bill and it had better match the one characteristic of the ink used in printing real bills. The machine also measures the exact length of your bill. It’s a good thing the bill changer doesn’t also measure the sweat on my palms while I await it’s verdict. After 30 seconds I’ll sign any confession it prints out. (Source: HOW DO THEY DO THAT? By Caroline Sutton)

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Plumb’s teen age hairdo is remarkable similar to the look her dog is now sporting. She post: So I’m at my moms today looking through old pictures doing research for the book I’m writing and I came across a real doozy. I found a picture of me from when I was 13. Check out Plumbs hair comparison at https://www.instagram.com/p/BRgY_BTBzGj/.

Advice to herself from Casting Crowns Megan Garrett: If ever your body and mind are shutting down and you decide to drink coffee at 9pm just to make it through the show-don’t. #listentothevoiceoftruth

The best part of waking up? Aaron Shust says it’s Coffee and Jesus in the Back of the tour bus. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRgSsd4AjfG/

Third day member David Carr is keeping busy while on break from touring with the band. He posted a picture of their remodeled bathroom and added: Glad to be almost finished with this project!

https://twitter.com/davidcarr3d/status/840581833016369152/photo/1

Worship leader Paul Baloche wants to know: Whatever happened to whistling? Folks used to whistle while they worked. Do you ever whistle?

Chris Tomlin jokingly posted that Max Lucado may soon take Oprah’s place. Chris posted after being interviewed by Max: What a fun time…you had me sharing about things I’ve never talked about before. Well done. https://twitter.com/MaxLucado/status/839937409416572929

Steven Curtis Chapman was sporting a custom made Seattle Seahawks jersey over the weekend. On the Road Show tour stop in that community Steven was presented with a jersey from the local team with his name on the back. He wore it for that night’s show. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRxG6VllvwN/

Building 429 was joined by a future hall of fame pitcher during their workout over the weekend. Chris Carpenter joined the band for their workout. He was a member of the 2011 world series champions. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRwVCYXh5i-/

The members of 7eventh Time Down posted a picture while experiencing the Jordan River in Israel over the weekend. They added: This is the Bible verse behind the meaning of 7eventh Time Down. 2 Kings 5:14 “So he went down and dipped himself in the Jordan seven times, as the man of God had told him, and his flesh was restored and became clean like that of a young boy.” https://www.instagram.com/p/BRvYx4ml0Gu/

Mercyme front man Bart Millard was on a Daddy/Daughter dance over the weekend. He posted a picture as he headed out with his two daughters. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRy8kGQARkO/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

According to a poll of US adults, more than a third feel that the most frightening small creature is the snake, followed by rats, spiders and cockroaches. ***And then divorce lawyers.

New research shows young people who become sleep deprived by using the internet into the small hours are much more likely to become mentally ill in later life. Lack of sleep may help explain the puzzling increase in mental illness among young people in recent decades. And regularly staying up late to surf the internet and chat on social networking sites could be one reason young people are sleeping less, according to the research. The study of about 20,000 young people found that those who slept fewer than five hours a night were three times more likely to become psychologically distressed. ***Which explains the content of 86% of all late-night Twitter posts.

According to a recent study, men have to work harder deciphering what women are saying because they use the auditory part of the brain that processes music, not human voices. It’s not the pitch of the woman’s voice, but rather the vibration and number of sound waves that cause the problem. ***At least I think that’s what my wife told me… I wasn’t really listening.

It’s no secret Americans are drinking less soda. Now that trend is starting to take its toll on the restaurant industry. A recent report by the NPD Group found that over the past five years, Americans ordered 4% fewer beverages at restaurants — a whopping 2 billion fewer servings. *** Well, if Pepsi wants to start sending me free cans on a daily basis I’ll be happy to try and pick up the slack.

Don’t overcook your french fries or toast. A new study (by UK’s Food Standards Agency) measured the amount of acrylamide — a cancer-causing toxin — in roasted potatoes, fries and toast prepared in the home. The FSA’s chief scientific adviser said the new research showed the need for roast potatoes and fries to be cooked to only “a light golden color” and that bread should be toasted to “the lightest color acceptable”. ***In fact, rather than use a toaster for your bread, you might suggest boiling it.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were completely exhausted from trying to keep up with their own schedules. They didn’t have time for all of their chores, didn’t have time for friends, meetings, even quick conversations! After collapsing from the stress, a group of very peaceful turtles wandered by…

CLOSE: Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another episode in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A University in Canada tried to be considerate of the blind… but ended up in a Moment of Duh!

Canada’s University of Alberta in Edmonton has proudly unveiled a new poster readable by the blind — it’s embossed with Braille letters describing the pictures on the poster. The posters, commissioned by the university’s human resources department, is one of a series on human-rights themes. There’s only one problem though. In all 25 locations where the Braille poster is displayed, they are unreadable, since the posters are incased in glass.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS YOUR COMPUTERS IS ON THE SIDEWALK, NINE STORIES BELOW

10. The life-like golf game was more realistic than you thought.

9. There is no ten-story building in your town.

8. You heard that getting some fresh air would help make a virus go away.

7. It jumped out of the window, all by itself, honest!

6. It must have heard the ice cream truck coming.

5. As you unfortunately discovered, capes do not give computers the ability to fly.

4. How else were you supposed to stop all the pop-ups?

3. It was “either you or that computer.” This time you happened to guess right.

2. It committed spamicide.

1. Grandma still thinks it’s a typewriter, and she hits the “Carriage Return” the old way. (What’s a carriage return?!)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A German man decides to make a little money by impersonating a police officer!

FILE #1: In Munich, Germany the crowds at the annual Oktoberfest celebration can get a little rowdy. So our Law & Disorder hero decided to help the police out by fining some of the more rowdy celebrants. He would flash an ID and demand payment of $25 on the spot, threatening arrest if they didn’t comply. When one of his “perps” refused to pay up, our hero, not really a police officer, decided to “arrest” him anyway and hauled him off to the nearest police station. Upon arrival, it was our hero who was busted for impersonating an officer. And that ID he was flashing? It turned out to be a fake driver’s license with a photo of Elvis on it.

FILE #2: Toe-licking could become a criminal offense in the Netherlands after a man who licked the toes of several women was released by police without charges. The unnamed toe-licker was arrested in Rotterdam earlier this week after a woman who had been sunbathing said he unexpectedly licked her bare foot. Other women had also complained, and the 35-year-old man has reportedly been pursuing his fetish for years, but prosecutors said they are powerless to stop him. Because a lick of the foot doesn’t qualify as a crime. Lawmakers are working to change the law.

FILE #3: A Madison, Wisconsin, police officer responded to a 911 disconnect call at a home with the dispatcher reporting that the phone line was constantly busy on callback.  Upon arriving at the home, which had all drapes pulled tightly closed, he found a note attached to the door reading, “Nothing can hurt me. Nothing can make me scared. No one can take me.”  After getting assistance, while preparing to take appropriate tactical action in response to the obvious threat the police finally reached the homeowner by phone.  Did you figure it out yet?  Turns out the owner’s 3-year-old son had a nightmare and he posted the note on the door to scare off any bad things and the same little troublemaker, while playing with the phone, inadvertently dialed 9-1-1.

STRANGE LAW: Women in Morrisville, Pennsylvania are required by law to purchase a permit before wearing lipstick in public.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

One robber shoots his father during a heist!

The elder half of a father-son robbery team pleaded guilty this week to a beer heist that ended with the dad being accidentally shot in the chest by the son. The 41-year-old father and his son were walking along a Winnipeg (Canada) street, with the dad carrying a hidden sawed-off shotgun in his clothing. The two planned to sell the weapon. Instead, the pair ran into three people who had just come out of a hotel carrying a case of beer. The dad decided to rob them of the booze, but the owner of said booze didn’t want to let go of it. In the ensuing tussle, the dad threw the gun to his son, and the boy fired it toward the man fighting with his father. Instead, the bullet hit his dad in the chest. The father has been sentenced to four years in jail and his son received 18 months probation.  ***Sounds to me like they’d done a little drinking before-hand as well.

PHONER PHUN

What strange items can you not do without? For example, I have a lighter on me almost all the time. I don’t smoke, never did, don’t ever intend to, have never had a need to start a fire, but still I carry a lighter at all times because my dad once told me I should. Not sure why though. How about you – do you always carry something with you that isn’t really necessary?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What nation did God say would have its towns and fields cursed because of disobedience?
ANSWER: Israel — Deuteronomy 28:15-16

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

ANSWER: Boxing

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. There was a time in Japan where a wife being left handed was a grounds for divorce. (True)

2. The most overdue book in the world was borrowed and returned 28 years later. (False – 288 year later, borrowed from Sidney Sussex College in Cambridge, England)

3. Apples are grown around the world more than any other fruit. (False, grapes)

4. The first American president to deliver a speech over the radio was Theodore Roosevelt. (False, Warren G. Harding.)

5. The largest type of penguin is the Emperor Penguin. (True – it can stand to be almost 3.5 feet tall and weigh more than 90 pounds.)

6. The stapler was invented in Spring Valley, Colorado. (False, Minnesota)

7. The sun shrinks five feet every hour. (True)

8. 7-Eleven was the first convenience store to have television advertising. (True – the animated commercial ran in 1949 and had a singing rooster and owl.)

9. In 1783, the hot air balloon was invented Washington D.c. (False, France)

10. The word “McJob” has been added in the Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary. (True. It is defined as “a low-paying job that requires little skill and provides little opportunity for advancement.”)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ALIEN FOAM KILLING _______ (HOGS)

Aliens are using expanding foam, which seems to grow on manure pits, to cause hog farms to explode.

Six farms have blown up in the last week – killing thousands of animals, mostly hogs – after methane trapped inside the alien foam caught a spark.

There’s no stopping it: the foam has now been spotted growing on one in four farms across the Midwest.

“This has all started in four months ago when the Gootans first landed on Earth,” said Professor Sam Benton of the University of Wisconsin. .”We have no idea why they are using this foam, but we can’t seem to identify it and we definitely can’t control it.”

The foam appears to capture gases emitted by bacteria living in the manure which gathers in pits under barns on farms.

Even when the foam or muck is cleared, it creeps back.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your darn cat.”

JOKE #2

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother.  “Make three wishes,” she told her mother, “and I’ll grant them.”

Her mom first asked for world peace.  Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.  Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children.  Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, “I wish to have a trim figure again.”

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.  “I’ll need more power for this!” she exclaimed.

JOKE #3

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

USELESS FACTS

About 20% of people eat a diet composed entirely of just 10 or fewer foods.  ***And six of those are chocolate.

“Acre” literally means the amount of land plowable in one day.  ***So in my case an “acre” would be four-foot square.

FEATURED FUNNIES

CHEERFUL GIVING

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl.

Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.

“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

TO THE BATCAKE! (audio clip)

You’ve heard of people finding a fly in their soup, but what would you do if you found a bat in your cake?

People sometimes try to be romantic by putting things in cakes for their loved ones to find. Rings, necklaces, dead bats. A woman in Rome recently found a dead bat in the middle of her vanilla cream cake. Turns out it was not from her boyfriend though, it probably just fell from the roof in the bakery and got mixed in before anyone was able to notice. ***MARLAR: Maybe this is how that children’s rhyme got started.  “Batty Cake, Batty Cake…”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

MOTHERS HANDS

Louisa Godissart McQuillen

Night after night, she came to tuck me in, even long after my childhood years. Following her longstanding custom, she’d lean down and push my long hair out of the way, then kiss my forehead.

I don’t remember when it first started annoying me – her hands pushing my hair that way. But it did annoy me, for they felt work-worn and rough against my young skin. Finally, one night, I lashed out at her: “Don’t do that anymore – your hands are too rough!” She didn’t say anything in reply. But never again did my mother close out my day with that familiar expression of her love.

Lying awake long afterward, my words haunted me. But pride stifled my conscience, and I didn’t tell her I was sorry. Time after time, with the passing years, my thoughts returned to that night. By then I missed my mother’s hands, missed her goodnight kiss upon my forehead. Sometimes the incident seemed very close, sometimes far away. But always it lurked, hauntingly, in the back of my mind.

Well, the years have passed, and I’m not a little girl anymore. Mom is in her mid-seventies, and those hands I once thought to be so rough are still doing things for me and my family. She’s been our doctor, reaching into a medicine cabinet for the remedy to calm a young girl’s stomach or soothe a boy’s scraped knee. She cooks the best fried chicken in the world . . . gets stains out of blue jeans like I never could . . . and still insists on dishing out ice cream at any hour of the day or night. Through the years, my mother’s hands have put in countless hours of toil, and most of hers were before perma-pressed fabrics and automatic washers!

Now, my own children are grown and gone. Mom no longer has Dad, and on special occasions, I find myself drawn next door to spend the night with her. So it was that late one Thanksgiving Eve, as I drifted into sleep in the bedroom of my youth, a familiar hand hesitantly stole across my face to brush the hair from my forehead. Then a kiss, ever so gently, touched my brow. In my memory, for the thousandth time, I recalled the night my surly young voice complained: “Don’t do that anymore – your hands are too rough!” I reacted involuntarily. Catching Mom’s hand in mine, I blurted out how sorry I was for that night. I thought she’d remember, as I did. But Mom didn’t know what I was talking about. She had forgotten – and forgiven – long ago.

That night, I fell asleep with a new appreciation for my gentle mother and her caring hands. And the guilt I had carried around for so long was nowhere to be found.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

DIVINE INTERRUPTIONS

David Roper

Read: Luke 10:29-37

A certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was. And when he saw him, he had compassion. – Luke 10:33

A Samaritan made his way down to Jericho and encountered a wounded Jew lying alongside the road. Others had hurried by, too busy with their own affairs to be interrupted.

But the Samaritan, who was hated by the Jews and would be expected to pass by, “had compassion.” He “bandaged his wounds, . . . set him on his own animal, brought him to an inn, and took care of him” (Luke 10:33-34).

God’s will comes to us in strange ways, often in the form of interruptions. Just when we think our duties are done for the day and we’ve settled in for a quiet evening at home, someone calls on the telephone or shows up on our doorstep asking for our time. “Are you busy?” they ask.

The best thing to do is to stop looking at these intrusions as interruptions. Instead, we should take them as opportunities that God is sending us to serve those in need—to listen well, to show love, to help them on their journey toward intimacy with God.

One early Christian writer, Jean-Pierre de Caussade, said, “Love is the duty of the present moment.” No matter what else we may have planned, love is our duty.

“Who is my neighbor?” I ask. Jesus answers, “The person in need I’m sending your way.”

Lord, if I’m feeling rushed today,
I need your eyes to help me see
That when an interruption comes
It is an opportunity. —Sper

An interruption may be a divine appointment.

LEFTOVERS

Zero tolerance policies in schools… regarding HUGGING?

Administrators at Pequot Lakes (Minn.) School have cracked down — no more hugs, they say, since they’re “unnecessary.” Hugging was a standard greeting at the school, so distressed administrators forbade them. Even though the hugs are used to express feelings and to make people feel better, tough. If a teacher catches a student hugging too often, it’s off to detention with them. According to principal Chuck Arns, hugging has a tendency to change the atmosphere in school. ***MARLAR: Hey Chuck, why don’t you ask the teachers at Santana High, Columbine, Northern Illinois University, and Newton, Connecticut which “atmosphere” they would prefer.

  • PHONER: What do you think? Is the school overreacting, or is it a good idea that kids aren’t allowed to touch each other at all? If this happened to your child, how would you react?

LIFE… LIVE IT

GET SOME SLEEP
Fighting off insomnia on a regular basis? Here are some simple tips to beat insomnia and get a good night’s sleep:

  • Do something dull before retiring. Do your taxes, read a phone book, sort your laundry. A little of this boredom goes a long way toward promoting sleep.

  • Drink milk before bedtime. Milk contains substance that relax the body. And the great news is it doesn’t even have to be warm to be effective. Warm it only if you like that way.

  • Keep the bedroom dark. Light interferes with sleep. Even when your eyes are closed, they still perceive light. Avoid nightlights and illuminated clock dials, and close the shades if light from the outside comes through the window.

  • Keep the bedroom cool and the bed warm. The ideal sleeping situation is to be bundled warmly in a snug bed in a room that’s well ventilated and a little bit chilly.

  • Enjoy herbal tea before bed — but not too much of it. Many people sip relaxing teas made from chamomile, passionflower, hawthorn and other herbs to help them get their rest. But remember, drinking too much of any liquid before bedtime can have the opposite effect, particularly if you have a sensitive bladder.

  • Use your bed for only one thing: sleep. Well, okay maybe two things. The point is, if you like to read yourself to sleep, or knit or work puzzles, do these activities in a favorite chair or sofa. We want our minds to associate bed with sleep.

JUST FOR FUN

THIS IS MY COUNTRY

Want to start your own country? One man has discovered it’s much easier than he thought it would be.

Looking to create your own country? Looking for a new country to become a citizen of? Well, I can’t imagine too many people wanting to denounce their citizenship of this country, but there are about 3,000 Pakistanis that want to become citizens of a new country named Ladonia. Only one problem though… the country doesn’t exist. Ladonia is the brainchild of Lark Vilks, who set aside a half-mile square (one kilometer) piece of land and named it Ladonia a few years ago. He did this to protest an attempt by Swedish authorities to remove two large abstract works of art he built. But Mr. Vilks had no idea how popular the incredibly small “country” would become… with a little help from the internet. The web site already had 6,000 registered “citizens” to this imaginary country. It became such a large problem for Lark that he has now shut down the website, fearing that all of these people actually believed it was a real country… and not being able to supply housing or jobs for his new “citizens”.

FUN LIST

YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING OLD WHEN

  • You get up to change the channel and decide as long as you’re up, you might as well go to bed.

  • You sit down to breakfast and hear “snap, crackle, and pop” and you haven’t even poured the milk on your cereal yet.

  • You wonder why everyone else is starting to mumble.

  • When doing the “Hokey Pokey”, you “put your left hip out” and it stays out.

  • One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Beware of all those “healthy” food labels – those foods may not really be all that healthy!

More and more “healthy” buzzwords are appearing on food packages. But proceed with caution. Just because a product lacks fat, gluten or sugar doesn’t mean it’s healthier.

  • Fat-Free: You might think you’re making a healthy choice, but eating certain fat-free foods may cause you to gain, not lose weight.

  • Gluten-Free: If you don’t have gluten sensitivity, think twice before ditching gluten: being gluten-free doesn’t automatically make a product better for you. Some gluten-free breads have up to 13 times more fat and 16 times more protein than others.

  • Diet Soda: To most, the word “diet” equals weight loss. But diet soda may not be holding up its end of the bargain. A recent study showed people who drank two or more diet sodas daily had a six-times-greater increase in waist circumference at the end of the 10-year study.

  • Organic: People asked to rate “organic” versus “conventional” yogurt, cookies and potato chips overwhelmingly said they thought they were healthier.  The catch? All products in the study were actually identical, just labeled differently.

  • Trans-Fat Free: Since 2006, the FDA has required food manufacturers to list reportable amounts of trans fat on the Nutrition Facts label. But here’s the thing: food manufacturers don’t have to report the trans-fat content if it’s less than 0.5 gram per serving.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

If you don’t sleep on your side, you might consider trying to do so. Sleeping on your side — as opposed to your back or stomach — appears to more effectively remove brain waste and so could help reduce your chances of developing Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s and other neurological diseases, according to researchers at Stony Brook University. While we sleep, our brains are actively in clean-up mode, sweeping up the junk and gunk that accumulate while we are awake – kind of like a computer defragmenting. In the Stony Brook study, researchers found sleeping on the side is the best position to most efficiently remove waste from the brain. Brain waste includes certain proteins and chemicals that negatively affect brain processes if they build up and could contribute to the development of Alzheimer’s disease and other neurological conditions. Side sleeping, also called lateral sleeping, is the most common sleep position for both humans and animals, including animals in the wild. We may have been created by God this way simply because it is the best position for the brain.

Hey ladies, if you tend to rise before your alarm – and your husand is still in dreamland you’re not alone. A McGill University study shows that women’s internal clocks are set ahead of men’s, often causing you to wrap up your sleep sooner. Study author Diane B. Boivin, M.D., Ph.D., says don’t fight it. You’ll feel more rested if you go to bed when you’re tired enough for sleep and try to wake up at the same time every day. She adds, “Nobody said you had to change out of your pjs.” (Redbook)

A woman is being praised for lending a generous helping hand to a dad in need when an airline agent denied his toddler daughter a free seat on the plane as he was checking in. He thought his daughter would be able to fly for free. But he soon found out she was over the age limit by just two months. That’s when Debbie Bolton stepped in. She pulled out her credit card and paid $749 for the little girls ticket. http://cbsn.ws/2mDmdDy

Christianity is growing rapidly in the mostly Muslim nation of Bangladesh; so rapidly that it’s becoming a problem for Islamic leaders in the country. “In the last 12 months, more than 20,000 Muslims have converted to Christianity. http://fw.to/WTOjWkV

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Wow, I can’t believe I survived another on-air shift drinking this radio station’s coffee. That’s got to be proof God exists.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MARCH 17, 2017…

Beauty and the Beast —How many films on this topic have already been made? It doesn’t matter because each one will earn a gazillion dollars anyway. This time around, Dan Stevens (“Downton Abbey”) has the role of the Beast who waits in his enchanted castle for a beautiful girl to love him. Enter Emma Watson as “Belle,“ and the castle includes talking cups, saucers, teapot, etc. These characters are played by Luke Evans, Ewan McGregor (oh, he is Gaston), Emma Thompson as Mrs. Potts and Stanley Tucci. Get ready to have everyone in your family singing familiar songs. “Beauty and the Beast” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

Free Fire—This action film is set in Boston in 1978 when two gangs meet in a deserted warehouse and decide to settle things once and for all. The tag line for the film is “All Guns, No Control.” The cast includes Enzo Cilenti, Sam Reilly, Brie Larson, Armie Hammer and Sharlto Copley. “Free Fire” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Belko Experiment—Similar to Tom Hiddleston’s “High Rise” of last year, this film is set in Columbia and concerns locking 80 American executives in a high-rise where a mysterious voice (aren’t they always??) tells them what to do to, and if you don’t, you die. Stars include Tony Goldwyn, Michael Rooker and John C. McGinley. “Belko Experiment” is rated R. No rating.

MARCH 24, 2017…

Power Rangers is a remake of the TV series and the kids are back in action.

Chips concerns the two motorcycle policeman from the TV series. Stars Dax Shepard.

Wilson has Woody Harrelson as a man who has yet to met his teenage daughter.

Life is a science fiction movie concerning astronauts on a space station. Stars Ryan Reynolds.

Their Finest Hours centers on making a British propaganda film during WWII. Stars Gemma Atherton.

Tommy’s Honour concerns the early game of golf in 19th century Scotland. Stars Sam Neill.

Car Dogs is a term for low down used car salesmen. The best film about this is “Used Cars” with Kurt Russell. The cast of “Car Dogs” includes George Lopez.

Last Fall is set in Liberia during a civil war there. Stars Javier Bardem.

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