***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! IT’S PART OF YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! Email me to get more information, FTP access and your free customized tag!)
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Please remember: The calendar may say it’s Spring — but here in (CITY), it’s not officially springtime until a city crew throws a refrigerator or something else large into that pothole on (STREET).
I discovered something on the way to work today. I can save five minutes on my way to work by not stopping at red lights. I figure, you see one red light, you’ve seen ’em all.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. — 1 Samuel 16:7
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him. — Philippians 1:29
Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. — Isaiah 1:17
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment. — Proverbs 10:21
Thought: Righteous people have a way of blessing others with their words. It may be their word of encouragement, their carefully chosen speech, their advice full of wisdom, their message of comfort, their truth in teaching, or their faithfulness to their promises. No matter what form, the words of righteous people are a blessing. But fools don’t listen to the righteous. They plot their own course refusing truth, wisdom, and godliness only to find their lives lost to meaninglessness and folly.
Prayer: Father God, Author of all truth and wisdom, please give me the ability to discern those around me who are truly righteous and the wisdom to listen to what they say. Please help me avoid the pitfalls of pride and arrogance as I humbly seek to hear your truth in those whose lives are conformed to your character. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
John 3:30 NIV = He must become greater; I must become less.
TODAY IS THURSDAY – MARCH 30, 2017
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 271 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is CHECK FOR CHANGE IN EVERY COIN RETURN YOU PASS DAY. ***It’s a habit you get into when you’re working in radio.
Today is NATIONAL BADMINTON DAY. ***Which makes me wonder, if there’s a Badminton, is there also a Goodminton somewhere? And why aren’t we playing that instead?
It’s PENCIL & ERASER DAY. It was on this date back in 1858 that Hyman L. Lipman attached an eraser to the end of his pencil. ***For a while, he erased everything he had written. Then he moved the eraser to the other end of the pencil.
Today is NATIONAL DOCTOR DAY. Dr. Crawford Long of Georgia became the first doctor to use anesthesia during an operation way back in 1842. ***Unfortunately, the patient didn’t survive. The next time he performed surgery, he gave the anesthesia to the patient instead of himself – he had much better results that way.
TODAY IS ALSO…
World Bi-polar Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
FRIDAY, MARCH 31
Bunsen Burner Day
Cesar Chavez Day
International Hug A Medielvalist Day
International Transgender Day of Visibility
National Prom Day
National “She’s Funny That Way” Day
SATURDAY APRIL 01
April Fools or All Fools Day
Boomer Bonus Days
International Tatting Day
Library Snap Shot Day
National Fun Day
Poetry & The Creative Mind Day
Reading is Funny Day
Sorry Charlie Day
St. Stupid Day
US Air force Academy Day
Every Day is Tag Day
International Pillow Fight Day
National Love Our Children Day
Tangible Karma Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 02
International Children’s Book Day
National Ferret Day
National Love Your Produce Manager Day
National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
World Autism Day
World Autism Acceptance Day
MONDAY, APRIL 03
TUESDAY, APRIL 04
International Day for Mine Awareness& Assistance in Mine Action
National Sexual Assault Awareness Day of Action
Victims of Violence Wholly Day
Vitamin C Day
World Rat Day
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 05
National Deep Dish Pizza Day
Read A Road Map Day
Childhelp National Day of Hope
National Walking Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day
Paraprofessional Appreciation Day
THURSDAY, APRIL 06
American Immigration Lawyers Association Day of Action
Charlie the Tuna Day
Drowsy Driver Awareness Day
National Fun at Work Day
Hostess Twinkie Day
International Day of Sport for Development and Peace
National Alcohol Screening Day
National Student Athlete Day
New Beers Eve
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Day
ON THIS DAY
1853: Vincent Van Gogh was born. Van Gogh was the eccentric painter who cut off his ear and sent it to his girlfriend. ***What most people don’t know is that his girlfriend then decided to take him back, but he gave up when he never heard from her.
1855: Kansas voted to retain slavery in one of history’s most unusual elections. Kansas had only 2,000 registered voters, but 6,000 people voted, most of them from Missouri. ***After all, what are neighbors for?
1858: Hymon Lipman of Philadelphia patented the first pencil equipped with an eraser. He made a fortune. ***Because in those days not that many people could write, but almost everybody could erase.
1867: U.S. Secretary of State William Seward reached agreement with Russia to purchase the territory of Alaska for $7.2 million, a deal widely ridiculed as “Seward’s Folly.”
1957: The single “Fraulein” by Bobby Helms debuted on U.S. country music charts, where it stayed for an incredible 52 weeks.
1964: The TV game show “Jeopardy” debuted on NBC. Art Fleming hosted 2,500 consecutive daytime shows. The later syndicated version was hosted from 1984 by Alex Trebeck. (audio clip)
1970: Polio victim David Ryder left Los Angeles for New York City. He walked 2,960 miles in 4½ months on crutches.
1974: John Denver reached the top of the music charts with, “Sunshine on My Shoulders,” his first number one song. Three other Denver singles reached the top: “Annie’s Song,” “Thank God I’m a Country Boy,” and “I’m Sorry.” “Take Me Home Country Roads” made it to number two.
1981: U.S. President Ronald Reagan was shot and seriously injured outside a Washington, D.C., hotel by John W. Hinckley Jr. White House press secretary James Brady, a Secret Service agent, and a District of Columbia police officer also were wounded.
1989: Singer Gladys Knight pulled off a first in Las Vegas. For the first time since elementary school, she performed without the Pips.
1990: “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” opened in movie theaters throughout the U.S. (audio clip)
1993: South African KwaZulu leader Mangosuthu Buthelezi finished his annual state-of-the-state address to the KwaZulu legislature. He began on March 12 and spoke continuously during weekday business hours. He read 427 pages and waited for the translation from English to Zulu.
1993: In “Peanuts,” Charlie Brown hit his first home run. (audio clip)
1994: Thieves broke into a security company in Bedminster, England, and stole 13 empty safes.
1998: The automaker BMW purchased Rolls-Royce for $570 million.
1999: As he inaugurated a new roller coaster in Williamsburg, Virginia, Fabio got a shock when a bird crashed into his face. Spattered with blood, the model was taken to a local hospital, treated for minor cuts, and released.
2002: The Queen Mother Elizabeth of England died in her sleep at Windsor outside London at age 101.
2001: New research showed British women had the most hair-free armpits and legs in Europe. The Austrian study shows 80% of British women regularly shave their legs and armpits. Italy, Spain and France were within 5% of the British total. Austria had Europe’s hairiest women with only 38% of women shaving.
2006: Journalist Jill Carroll, a freelance reporter for the Christian Science Monitor, was freed in Baghdad after being held for 82 days by kidnappers.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1135: Birth of Moses Maimonides, medieval Jewish scholar. Considered the foremost Talmudist of the Middle Ages, his most important writing was Guide to the Perplexed (1190), in which he tried to harmonize Rabbinic Judaism with the increasingly popular Aristotelianism of his day.
1492: The Jews were expelled from Spain by Inquisitor-General Tom’s Torquemada (Spanish Inquisition).
1533: Thomas Cranmer is consecrated Archbishop of Canterbury, England’s highest religious post. Believing himself subject to the king, Henry VIII, he granted the monarch’s annulment ending his marriage to Catherine of Aragon. This touched off the English Reformation, and Cranmer became its chief architect. He is also known for writing the first Book of Common Prayer.
1771: English founder of Methodism John Wesley wrote in a letter: “Suffer all, and conquer all.”
1820: The first Protestant missionaries arrive at the Sandwich Islands, now known as Hawaii, and are welcomed by King Kamehameha II.
1858: Episcopal minister Dudley Tyne, burdened for the salvation of husbands and fathers, speaks to a rally of 5,000 men in Philadelphia. “I would rather this right arm were amputated at the trunk than that I should come short of my duty to you in delivering God’s message,” he said. Over 1,000 men were converted. Two weeks later, Tyne lost his right arm in a farming accident, and he died soon after. His last words, “Stand up for Jesus, father, and tell my brethren of the ministry to stand up for Jesus,” inspired the hymn “Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus.
1863: Ownership of Wilberforce University in Ohio was transferred to the African Methodist Episcopal Church. The school had been founded seven years earlier by the Methodist Episcopal Church.
1917: All imperial lands, as well as lands belonging to monasteries, were confiscated by the Russian provisional government.
HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actor (Mark Vanacore on “Ed”) Michael Genadry 39 (audio clip)
Actor (“All My Children”) Mark Consuelos, 47 (audio clip)
Model/actress (“Baywatch”) Donna D’Errico, 49 (audio clip)
Actor (“Beverly Hills 90210”) Ian Ziering, 53 (audio clip)
Comedian/actor/writer (“Mad About You”) Paul Reiser, 60 (audio clip)
Actor (Rubeus Hagrid in the Harry Potter movies) Robbie Coltrane, 67
Actor (Bullworth, Bonnie & Clyde, Reds, Dick Tracy) Warren Beatty, 80
Actor (“The Addams Family’s” Gomez Addams, Buddy on “Night Court”) John Astin 87 (audio clip)
Game show host (“Hollywood Squares”) Peter Marshall, 87 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1913 : Frankie Laine
1914 : Sonny Boy Williamson
1930 : Rolf Harris
1941 : Graeme Edge (The Moody Blues)
1943 : Kenny Forssi (Love)
1944 : Ronnie Rice (The New Colony Six)
1945 : Eric Clapton (born Eric Patrick Clapp)
1948 : Jim “Dandy” Mangrum (Black Oak Arkansas)
1950 : Dave Ball (Procol Harum)
1955 : Randy VanWarmer
1963 : MC Hammer
1964 : Tracy Chapman
1968 : Celine Dion
1979 : Norah Jones
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
What’s the difference between an opera and an operetta?
My guess would be that operettas are just teeny, tiny, little operas. I’d be wrong. Operas are usually sung through, having little or no spoken dialogue. Operettas are less serious, with frothy, sentimental plots that have happy endings. They have spoken dialogue and simpler, easier to whistle music. They also tend to have more dancing than do operas. It’s from operettas that the modern musical evolved.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Rend Collective says it’s all in a name. The Irish worship band commented during their toe tapping set on the Road Show: “Where you come from this is called a hoedown but where we come from it’s called a shindig.” https://www.instagram.com/p/BSCrdK2l3gv/
Mike Donehey of Tenth Avenue North says there are specific moments that are especially special on the Winter Jam tour. He posted: We weren’t made to feel good about ourselves. We were designed to forget ourselves in the adoration of God. There is nothing quite like an arena of people losing themselves by getting caught up in Him.
Matthew West is out with a new feature called Day One Devotional. The new series is based on the life of Alyssa. Matthew posted: I’m honored to continue to share her story through a new Day One Devos series inspired by her incredible life and testimony. https://www.facebook.com/matthewwest/videos/10154610855837809/
Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer is using his wife as a test subject. He is building a tree house and wanted to test it’s structural integrity so he built a temporary swing and had his wife test it. Mike posted: So Far So Good. https://www.instagram.com/p/BR_0YOvBUxN/
Kenova, West Virginia native Michael W. Smith has earned three GRAMMY’s and 45 Dove Awards, scored 32 No. 1 hits and sold more than 15 million albums. According to CCM Magazine, the member of the Gospel Music Hall of Fame will now pick up an award from his home state. The West Virginia Music Hall of Fame has announced Smith will be one of the six inductees for the class of 2018. The induction ceremony will be held February 10, 2018. http://bit.ly/CCM-Swv
Colton Dixon shared his favorite Bible verse this week. It’s Col 3:11: There is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. https://twitter.com/SXMTheMessage/status/844811987032825856
Third Day’s Mac Powell was having fun at the NeedtoBreathe Golf Classic this week. He joined the band during their show for a rendition of Johnny B. Goode. Check out Mac on verse three by clicking on the link at https://www.instagram.com/p/BSMPjgelr_j/
Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave Frey will be getting married soon, but not without a bachelor party. He posted that several lifelong friends drove across the country recently to help him celebrate his bachelor weekend. But the weekend didn’t change Dave’s mind. He followed his picture with the guys with a picture of he and his true love. Dave posted: Even time at Target can be romantic with my love! Hurry up wedding day. https://www.instagram.com/p/BSHsuDpjriB/
It’s been a tough week for Jason Gray. He posted this week: After a brave 9 year battle with cancer, my step dad, Mark, passed away. https://www.instagram.com/p/BSJQ_7bgHm_/
(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Germany say our ancestors had the same odds of dying at age 30 as men today face at age 72. The most advances in longevity have actually been made in the past 100 years. However, living longer does have at least one downside: Money. Making our savings last through a 30-year retirement is difficult at best and impossible at worst. Governments worldwide are not prepared to make up the difference. The International Money Fund reported in 2012 that if the average life span increased just three years by 2050, the cost of aging would increase by 50 percent. Add that to the news that NASA had possibly created a reverse-aging pill to give to Mars astronauts for the long trip, and what happens once that hits the commercial market?!?!
Friday is National Crayon Day and Crayola is going to use that day to announce that they’re retiring a color from their 24-count box. It’s the first time they’ve done that in 100 years and they’ll let us know which one on Friday. ***No doubt followed Saturday by someone screaming racism because “that color represents my cultural background!”
There was talk that Kanye West was in talks with NBC about a reboot of “American Idol.” Kanye says “not true.” ***So we can all breath a collective sigh of relief.
Italy is looking at becoming the first country to offer paid menstrual leave. ***Not for the women – but for the men who have to be around the at work every month.
As many Millennials are struggling to figure out their career paths, Loraine Maurer’s story may serve as an inspiration. Maurer, a 94-year-old great-grandmother from Indiana, celebrated 44 years of service at McDonald’s the other day. And she’s not retiring. Maurer gets up at 3 AM for her 5 AM shifts on Fridays and Saturdays, has worked at several locations of the chain in Evansville, Indiana, since 1973, when her husband retired due to a disability. ***I’m going to take a wild guess and say she hasn’t once picketed about not getting paid fifteen dollars per hour.
In Egypt a woman was stopped at a border crossing after guards noticed that she looked “strangely fat.” The woman’s shape raised suspicions and a body search by a female border guard turned up three crocodiles strapped to her waist. The animals, each about 20 inches long, were concealed underneath her loose robe. ***Good thing they found the crocodiles. If not, it would mean they targeted a woman for being strangely fat simply because she was strangely fat – and that is not politically correct.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
California is raising the minimum wage to $15-an-hour by the year 2022. ***Which, by then might actually buy you a quarter pounder with cheese.
Children aged four and under who get less than 10 hours of sleep a night are nearly twice as likely to be overweight or obese five years later, according to researchers from the University of California and University of Washington in Seattle. According to the National Sleep Foundation, toddlers aged 1 to 3 years old should sleep for 12 to 14 hours a night; preschoolers, aged 3 to 5 years old, should sleep 11 to 13 hours, and 5- to 10-year-olds should get 10 to 11 hours. Teens should get 8.5 to 9.25 hours of sleep nightly. ***In other words, sloth is good for you.
If you are thinking of quitting smoking, it is probably Monday. Researchers monitored Google searches for five years and almost every week, searches about kicking the habit peaked on Mondays. ***Of course, Mondays are also the most stressful day of the week, which is exactly when you feel you need a cigarette.
A new study shows that more and more Americans are taking laptop computers on vacation with them in order to get ahead on work-related projects. ***But they make up the difference by goofing off more at work.
Half of Americans drink a soda or sugary beverage each day – and some are downing a lot. One in 20 people drinks the equivalent of more than four cans of soda each day, even though health officials say sweetened beverages should be limited to less than half a can. Sweetened drinks have been linked to the U.S. explosion in obesity and related medical problems, and health officials have been urging people to cut back for years. Some officials have proposed an extra soda tax and many schools have stopped selling soda or artificial juices. ***Stopped selling soda? Well then, what are people using to wash down their morning cookie breakfast?
Emergency room visits for school-age athletes with concussions has skyrocketed in recent years, suggesting the intensity of kids’ sports has increased along with awareness of head injuries. ***So beginning immediately, all chess club members must wear helmets.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffelson nailed down the hands on the island’s calendar clock so everyone would think every day was Saturday! Unfortunately, it’s been many, many days of Saturdays. There’s no food, and everyone is at each other’s throats wondering who is to blame!
CLOSE: Now that Marvy has come clean with what he’s done, will Razzleflabbin Island get back to normal? Will Karl stay? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Coca-Cola is being sued… by a Judge!
A German judge is suing Coca-Cola, accusing them of causing his diabetes because he drank two cans a day – which he says contributed to his getting the disease and because they never put a warning on the can to the effect of, “not for long-term consumption.” He plans a similar lawsuit against the Mars candy company. ***MARLAR: The scariest part of this story is not that he might win his lawsuit, but that he’s a JUDGE and bringing this thing to court. Unbelievable.
TOP TEN USES FOR THE EMPTY TOMB
10. A storage locker for teens until they turn twenty-four. Just make sure you roll the stone back in place!
9. The set for the new reality show — “ex-soldier stories”! (Matt. 28:4)
8. The collective graveyard for all the single socks of the world to unite!
7. The perfect solution for your ONE weakness — your Bay City Rollers collection!
6. Transform it into a home for over-the-hill garden gnomes and pink flamingos!
5. Post a sign: “The Ultimate Getaway Location!”
4. Entomb all copies of “The Dukes of Hazzard” movie!
3. Entomb all copies of “Gilligan’s Island” before Hollywood can make the movie!
2. As a place to store the empty cross!
1. As a reminder that when it seems the most impossible, God keeps His promises!
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Police say a man used a pitchfork to attempt to rob a Key West bank.
FILE #1: Fred Simunovic was charged with armed robbery after police spotted him at the Key West ferry terminal trying to sail to Fort Myers. Police say Simunovic threatened a teller at the Keys Federal Credit Union with a pitchfork in a trash bag, then ran out with an undisclosed amount of money. Police found Simunovic fleeing for the ferry.
FILE #2: Three Scottish store robbers took $30,000 worth of cash, stamps and phone cards from a store. They also decided to disable the store’s video cameras. Apparently, they were having trouble seeing what they were doing though, and removed their masks so they could better see the cameras. Of course, that made it easier for the police to see them too… and the men were quickly arrested, using the close-up pictures from the security camera system as evidence.
FILE #3: A Minnesota man called police to report that a safe containing cash was stolen from his house. So police arrived only to find bicycle tracks leading away from the scene of the crime and the bicycle tracks eventually led to the crooks demise. You see, officers noticed that the rider stopped frequently, leaving a square imprint in the snow at each stop – an imprint the same size as the stolen safe. The trail eventually led to the man’s backyard, where police found the safe and arrested a 20 year old man in the yard. And yes, the bike was stolen too.
STRANGE LAW: You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a New Hampshire tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
If you’re planning on creating a club for illegal activities, it’s probably best not to advertise it.
A Springfield, Illinois man was arrested just hours after emailing the media about his medical marijuana club. Officers arrested Scott Carriere, seized 50 marijuana plants and up to 500-grams of the drug. Carriere says he gave his name and address to officials and sent an email about the club to local reporters. His email states “I have opened a medical marijuana club in Springfield. I just wanted you to know. It is currently being run out of my residence. I am accepting customers and suppliers. Thank you.” The email also included his home address.
Do you hide spare keys outside your house? A friend of mine hides hers under a flower pot. But I told her that’s the first place thieves will look! And you certainly don’t want to put a key under your doormat or above the door! So, where are the best places outside to hide a house key?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Which group did not believe in the resurrection from the dead?
ANSWER: Sadducees (Matthew 22:23)
QUESTION: A wealthy man named Richard Ellis had been counting his money. When he finished, he accidentally left a $100.00 bill on his desk. But when he returned for it a short while later, it was gone. Only two other persons could have seen the bill. One was the maid; the other was the butler. The maid told him that she had hidden it for safekeeping under a green book that was on the desk. But when they looked the bill was not there. The butler said he had found the bill where the maid had left it. He had placed it inside the book, where he thought there was less chance that somebody would find it. He had written down the page numbers so that he would not forget them. The bill was between pages 35 and 36, he said. But when they looked, there was no money in the book. After Mr. Ellis had talked to the maid and the butler, he called the police. He was sure he knew who had taken the money. Who was it, and how did he know?
ANSWER: The butler did it. Mr. Ellis knew the butler was lying because pages 35 and 36 in a book are always printed on opposite sides of the same piece of paper.
QUESTION: What was the picture on the cover of the very first LIFE magazine?
ANSWER: In 1936 the cover of the first issue of Life magazine carried a photo of a doctor slapping a newborn baby and the caption, “Life begins!”
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. The Mississippi River is the longest in the world. (False – at 4,145 miles, it’s the Nile River)
2. Easter is the first Sunday after the first Full Moon after March 21. (True)
3. When England and the American colonies adopted the Gregorian calendar on September 14th, 1752, eleven days disappeared. (True)
4. The Concord travels so fast that it’s possible to arrive at your destinations 2 hours earlier than when you left your departure city. (True. Flying from London to New York by Concord, due to the time zones crossed, you can arrive 2 hours before you leave.)
5. If the sun stopped shining suddenly, it would take eight hours for people on earth to be aware of the fact. (False – eight minutes.)
6. If you add up the numbers 1-100 consecutively (1+2+3+4+5 etc) the total is exactly one million. (False – it’s 5,050)
7. The first city to have over a million in population was Chicago, IL. (False – London, England.)
8. Since 1972, about 1 trillion cans have been produced. (False -3 trillion. Placed end-to-end, they could stretch to the moon about a thousand times.)
9. A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court. (True)
10. Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be molded with the hands. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
THE DRACULA _______ RETURNS! (FISH)
LONDON – The Dracula Fish, who once attacked women in Eastern Europe, has returned!
Detectives reported last night that the Dracula Fish, who hasn’t been seen anywhere in the world in over fifty years, has been attacking women in the Hyde Park area of London.
The Dracula Fish is a vampire fish: that is half-human, half-fish. He is a translucent fish that can exist outside water only at night. The Dracula Fish first appeared in Romania in the early 1950s, but has not been seen since.
“We have several dozen women that have been bitten in Hyde Park. They all describe the perpetrator the same way – a man with a fish head, a hot male body, and who bites and sucks their blood,” said Detective Ian Frax of Scotland Yard.”
“We’ve been working on the case for about a year now. We wanted to make sure that the Dracula Fish did in fact exist and now we have proof. We’ve analyzed the bite marks and saliva found on the victims and matched the DNA to evidence found in the attacks in Romania in the 1950s,” said Flax. ” It is our duty to alert Londoners that the Dracula Fish is back and women must be alert.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
The manager of a Mega-Store came to check on his new salesman. “How many customers did you serve today?” the manager asked.
“One,” replied the new guy.
“Only one?” said the boss. “How much was the sale?”
The salesman answered, “$85,334.”
Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.
“First I sold a man a fishhook,” the salesman said. “Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested he’d need a boat – he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV.”
The amazed boss asked, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?”
“No,” the new salesman replied. “He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife’s migraine. I told him, ‘Your weekend’s shot. You should probably go fishing.'”
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence with… “I think I’d throw up!”
One night my Dad, a retired U. S. Army Colonel, was watching a program on TV about paratroopers. As one D-Day jumper began to comment, he exclaimed, “That’s Jack Norton! I served in both Korea and Vietnam with him.”
Then, after watching the man speak for a few moments, he quietly remarked……
“You know you’re getting old when you have more friends on the History Channel than in the news.”
Being a workaholic is so common in Japan that workers have trouble unwinding and relaxing during a week’s vacation. ***I know what a vacation is – but what is the word “workaholic”? I refuse to believe that’s a real word.
In 1907, an ad campaign for Kellogg’s Corn Flakes offered a free box of cereal to any woman who would wink at her grocer. ***Do that today and you’re arrested for sexual harassment.
BRINGING A RABBIT BACK TO LIFE
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what’s wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The blonde says, “Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. The back of the can reads, “Hair Spray – Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
COCA-COLA FROM YOUR FAUCET
It sounds like every kid’s dream: Coca-Cola flowing out of the faucet just like water. The dream could be a reality. According to a spokesperson for Coke, the company has developed a system, which would supply the soft drink to apartment blocks through a central source. A vat of concentrated syrup in the basement would be mixed with purified water and supplied on demand to residents. ***MARLAR: Now all you need is a sliding glass door and a fry vat! “Would you like fries with your tap-water Coke?”
But you brought us to a place of great abundance.—Psalm 66:12
Three powerful verses in Proverbs 11 remind us of the ageless principles of giving. First, you cannot outgive God. Proverbs 11:24 says, “It is possible to give freely and become more wealthy, but those who are stingy will lose everything.” Giving is the secret to abundance and increase. Second, if you purpose in life to “refresh others” (Proverbs 11:25) and not just be concerned for yourself, God will be sure to supply your own needs as well. You must make it your goal in life to bring joy and happiness to others through generously giving to them. You will be personally refreshed from watching their joy, and God will make certain that someone comes along occasionally to refresh you! Finally, if you hoard what you have been given instead of sharing it, you will be cursed instead of blessed (Proverbs 11:26). Because giving is so much a part of God’s nature, your gift brings you into His heavenly economy. Even though you may have a need, invest in others, and you will gain, prosper, and be crowned with blessing!
–By Larry Stockstill
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
WHO HATES BOYS?
Read: Titus 2:1-8
Treat younger men as brothers. –1 Timothy 5:1
Apparently, the market is bad for “snips and snails and puppy dog tails.” Or, to quote author Christina Hoff Summers, “It’s a bad time to be a boy in America.”
She might have a point. In her newest book The War Against Boys, Summers claims that in today’s politically correct environment, boys are punished for doing what boys are more likely to do–playing hard, refusing to sit still in class and work–basically just being boys.
She claims that many people in our society today are promoting feminine qualities instead. The result is that young boys are taught that their natural behavior is wrong; it’s even an unhealthy condition that requires therapy or prescription drugs.
“Boys need discipline, respect, and moral guidance,” Summers writes. “Boys need love and tolerant understanding. They do not need to be pathologized [treated as if they are sick].”
The differences between boys and girls seem as apparent as they have for centuries. Even in his letter to Titus, Paul gave his younger disciple specific instructions for older and younger men and women.
It’s not surprising that Paul’s first advice was to “encourage the young men to be self-controlled” (Titus 2:6). (Do I hear a shout from the ladies?) In fairness, Paul also suggested self-control by older men and younger women. His words that follow encourage young men to integrity, seriousness, and soundness of speech.
Gender differences cause lots of arguments. But there is one obvious similarity: Both men and women must submit to God’s standards for the way we should behave. Perhaps the most liberating thing anyone can do–male or female–is to ignore a cultural standard for behavior and rely on the Word of God.
Boys will be boys and girls will be girls. The most important issue, however, is that believers in Jesus Christ must be believers. Beyond that, the sugar and spice and snips and snails become much easier to deal with. –JC
THE CROOKED POLICE STATION
There’s something crooked at police headquarters near the nation’s capital. In fact, just about everything is crooked because the police headquarters in this Washington suburb is sinking. Alexandria’s Public Safety Center is built on a landfill and has sunk four inches in the last 14 years. The floor is so slanted, barbells in the police weight room roll away. The police union says the crooked department is a safety hazard. But county officials say it’s more like a nuisance and renovations are under study. ***MARLAR: In the meantime, capturing criminals for bribery is a lot easier because crooks keep hearing about the crooked police station and think it applies to the officers as well.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Do you have trouble getting to sleep at night? We might have an easy solution for you!
If you have trouble getting shut-eye, you might want to get a cat. Researchers in France say that people who cuddle up with a cat report more satisfying sleep than people who don’t own cats. What’s more, having two, three or four cats is even better. ***MARLAR: But once you get to about 18, then you become a crazy cat lady. Albeit, a well-rested, crazy cat lady.
JUST FOR FUN
What’s the worst thing you’ve dropped in the toilet and had to fish out?
Police in North Platte, Nebraska, have a case with bite. They were called to the home of a 55-year-old woman who dropped her false teeth in the toilet. The toilet backed up and the lady’s boyfriend called a plumber. The plumber charged $50 to retrieve the dentures, which the boyfriend paid. But the boyfriend refused to give the teeth to woman until he was paid back. ***MARLAR: Truth be known, he thought that keeping her false teeth would give him some peace and quiet for a while.
ACTUAL DRIVING ACCIDENT EXCUSES
- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have. (thank goodness… imagine if he did own that tree yet it was still at the wrong house – how would you explain that?!?)
- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. (I’m sure that did the trick)
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. (I’d fall asleep after driving for forty years too!)
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. (I have problems with my universal joint all the time too… I find BenGay works wonders though)
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. (I think the term “parked” needs to be explained a bit further to this guy)
- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident. (So now the accident is the sign’s fault. It must be – after all, it just jumped right out of nowhere! )
- I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull. (from the sound of this statement, I don’t doubt it)
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Want to percolate new friends, make your spouse see things your way or help a stubborn co-worker loosen up and come around to your way of thinking?
…Treat them to a coffee break, complete with a refill. New research says a moderate amount of caffeine, such as that found in two cups of coffee increases the ability to be influenced. And since The European Journal of Social Psychology study also proves that people are more susceptible to suggestion first thing in the morning, a strong brew gives you a double shot at peddling your influence. ***MARLAR: Now you know why I’m such a pushover when you call to request a song. (audio clip)
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Love a good juice detox? Getting into gluten-free baking? Taking antioxidant dietary supplements with your meals? You’re being trolled – at least according to a large team of researchers who investigated peer-reviewed studies on a variety of recent nutrition fads. In fact, the American College of Cardiology reports that many of these diet trends are not only just hype, some may be harming you – especially when it comes to heart health. The lead author says, “There is sort of mass confusion about what foods are healthy or not healthy.” Some of their findings include that juices bring in far too much sugar and not enough fiber, and that our bodies are already our best detoxers, filtering out “toxins” without freaking out our bodies with sugar spikes. While avoiding gluten isn’t harmful in and of itself, “there is no evidence that avoidance of gluten by healthy individuals will result in weight loss or that gluten promotes weight gain.” And if you’ve become a coconut oil addict, well, sorry: “Current claims of documented health benefits of the [coconut and palm] oils are unsubstantiated and use of these oils should be discouraged.” And finally, they write that fruits and veggies, and especially berries, are the healthiest source of antioxidants, but there is no compelling evidence that antioxidant supplements are helpful. Adds Popular Science: “You probably already know what a heart-healthy diet looks like: leafy greens, fresh fruits, and taking it easy when it comes to calories.” (American College of Cardiology)
Parents who constantly hover like helicopters over their children’s every move are detrimental to their overall health and welfare, reveals a recent North Carolina State University study. Fussy moms and dads prevent healthy play, causing kids to be less active, and often interrupt them, making kids more sedentary. “It’s a Catch-22 for today’s parents,” says lead researcher Dr. Jason Bocarro. “Many parents are worried about the safety of their children, so they tend to hover. “The worry is, especially as we are seeing childhood obesity become an epidemic in this country, hovering is keeping kids from running around and playing with their friends and neighbors and instead sitting in front of the computer or TV.” The research team studied children at play in public parks and often saw helicopter parents interfering with their kids’ play. Researchers hope public park designers will provide more seating so parents can watch their kids have a ball.
Back in the day, we worked 9 to 5. Then it became 8 to 5. Now the regular office workday can begin before the sun rises and end when it’s dark — even in the summer. All work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy. Not to mention Jill. So achieving that ever elusive work-life balance becomes critical. The best way to do it is to exercise. That’s the word from researchers at Saint Leo University, Saint Louis University, University of Houston-Victoria and Illinois State University. who have concluded that exercise affects how we feel about our work-life balance. Conflict between work and home can be categorized in two ways. Work interference with family describes typical job-based pressures that can lead to interference of family time, be it psychological or actual time spent away from the family due to work. Family interference with work is when personal issues find a way into the workday and compete with work time. Individuals who exercised regularly were more confident they could handle the interaction of their work and home life and were less likely to be stressed at work.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny the rest of your life…would you choose hard or soft tacos?
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
“As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.” -Oscar Wilde
“Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.” -Will Rogers
“My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.” -Wendy Leibman
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MARCH 24, 2017…
Power Rangers—Here they come and if you don’t know about the Power Rangers, you are about to learn. They are teens with special powers that keep the bad guys away from their town of Angel Grove. The cast includes Naomi Scott, Becky G., and Dave Montgomery. “Power Rangers” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.
Wilson—It seems that this is a familiar plot these days, about a man who learns he has a teenage daughter and wants to meet her. He is rich and she isn’t. Woody Harrelson is the father and the rest of the cast includes Laura Dern, Judy Greer and Cheryl Hines. “Wilson” is rated R. No rating.
Chips—The motorcycle police are back on patrol big time. The series is still on TV and Erik Estrada was “Ponch,” this time played by Michael Pena. His sidekick is Jon (Dax Shepard) and together they go after the bad guys, with a touch of humor, too. Also in the cast are Vincent D’Onofrio and Adam Brody. “Chips” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.
Their Finest Hour (opening in select cities)—During WWII, the Germans were making effective propaganda films, so the British decided to try this, too. A production company was set up and it was awkward at first, with a touch of humor, but then they began to do well at it. So there. The cast includes Gemma Atherton, Sam Clafin and Bill Nighy. “Their Finest Hour” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Car Dogs—Here is a group of car salesman who will really try to persuade people to buy cars from them. Kurt Russell’s “Used Cars” is still the best one about this. “Car Dogs” has a cast of George Lopez, Josh Hopkins and Cory Hardrict. “Car Dogs” is rated R. No rating.
Tommy’s Honour (opening in select cities)—This film is about the early beginnings of the game of golf in the 19th century in Scotland. Those who brave snow in the wintertime to go out to the links will appreciate the film. The cast includes Sam Neill, Peter Mullan and Jack Lowden. “Tommy’s Honour” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.
Last Fall—This is a love story set against a civil war in Liberia. Charlize Theron is a medical doctor who works there and falls in love, but there are always problems during war time. The cast includes Javier Bardem and Jean Reno. “Last Fall” is rated R. No rating.
MARCH 31, 2017…
Ghost In The Shell is a science fiction film about a cyborg. Stars Scarlett Johansson.
Boss Baby concerns a baby who runs an office. I’m not making this up. Stars Alec Baldwin.
Zookeeper’s Wife has Jessica Chastain in WWII trying to save zoo animals.
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