May 10, 2017: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

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BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. — 1 Corinthians 1:18

Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. — 1 Peter 2:2-3

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds… — Ephesians 4:22-23

Thought: We are made new when we become Christians. Most of us, however, have moments when the old way of life erupts and wants to make its presence known. This means that being new is a lifetime decision we must make each day. As we make that commitment and seek to follow the Lordship of our Savior, the Holy Spirit’s power (that Paul talks about all through Ephesians) is promised to us and the Spirit’s goal is to mature us to be like Christ. (Eph. 4:12-16; 2 Cor. 3:18)

Prayer: Almighty God and dear Heavenly Father, please bless me today as I seek to live as a new person — cleansed, made holy, and empowered by your Spirit. Give me a new and clean mind as I intentionally put aside my old habits and desires. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Peter 5:10 NIV = And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MAY 10, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
228 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is LEARN AS MUCH AS YOU CAN ABOUT COFFEE RAPIDS, IDAHO DAY. ***Truthfully, learning that there’s such a place as Coffee Pot Rapids, Idaho is enough for me. By the way, a recent study has shown that one hundred cups of coffee over four hours contain enough caffeine to kill an average human. Who is that a problem for? I mean, I take my coffee-drinking seriously, don’t get me wrong, but if I ever get to the point that I’m drinking one hundred cups of coffee in one sitting, I have more problems than just trying to stay awake.

Today is NATIONAL CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM DAY and NATIONAL SMALL BUSINESS DAY. ***Or you can look into starting a small business of cleaning up other people’s rooms. You can start with our General Manager’s office; it looks as if he’s gone on vacation and brought back most of Coffee Pot Rapids, Idaho.

Today is TRUST YOUR INTUITION DAY. It’s a day to pay homage to “gut” feelings and “still small voices.” ***Sometimes though, those gut feelings backfire on you. After all, somebody came up with the brilliant idea of naming their town Coffee Pot Rapids, Idaho.

YOU SHOULD TRUST YOUR INTUITION WHEN…

  • The bungee cord looks a little weak.

  • The diamond looks like a cubic zirconium.

  • The hotel you want to stay at doesn’t post pictures online.

  • The job listing says “perfect for recent grads,” and it’s full of typographical errors.

  • The meat in your fridge looks kind of grey.

TODAY IS ALSO…

National Moscato Day
Occupational Safety and Health Professionals Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 10

Bike To School Day
Dia De La Madre
Donate A Day’s Wages To Charity
National Lipid Day: 10 (Dyslipidemia)
National Night Shift Workers Day
National Third Shift Workers Day
Occupational Safety & Health Day
Receptionists Day
School Nurse Day
World Lupus Day

THURSDAY, MAY 11

Eat What You Want Day
Hostess Cupcake Day
National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day
National Foam Rolling Day
Root Canal Appreciation Day

FRIDAY, MAY 12

Child Care Provider Day
Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day
Fintastic Friday: Giving Sharks A Voice
Hug Your Cat Day
International Awareness Day for Chronic Immunological and Neurological Diseases
International Nurses Day
Limerick Day
Military Spouse Appreciation Day
National Nutty Fudge Day
Odometer Day
One Day Without Shoes Day

SATURDAY, MAY 13

Armed Forces Day Crossband Military/Amateur Radio Communications Test
American Indian Day
Baby Sitters Day
Bereaved Mother’s Day
Birthmother’s Day
Children of Fallen Patriots Day
Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day
Crouton Day
Frog Jumping Day
Hummus Day
International Migratory Bird Day
Letter Carrier’s  Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day
Mother Ocean Day
National Archery Day
National Babysitters Day
National Miniature Golf Day
National Windmill Day
Stay Up All Night
World Belly Dance Day
World Migratory Bird Day
World Fair Trade Day

SUNDAY, MAY 14

Lag B’Omer
Mother’s Day
National Chicken Dance Day
Spring Astronomy Day
The Stars and Stripes Forever Day
Underground America Day

MONDAY, MAY 15

Hyperemisis Gravidarum Awareness Day
International Day of Families
National Chocolate Chip Day
International MPS Awareness Day
National Slider Day
National Tuberous Sclerosis Day
Nylon Stockings Day
Peace Officer Memorial Day
Straw Hat Day

TUESDAY, MAY 16

Biographer’s Day
Mimosa Day
National Piercing Day
National Sea Monkey Day
Honor Our LGBT Elders’ Day

WEDNESDAY, MAY 17

International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia
National Employee Health & Fitness Day
Turn Beauty Inside Out Day
Syttende Mai
World Hypertension Day
World Telecommunications and Information Society Day
World Neurofibromatosis Day (NF Day)

ON THIS DAY

1850: Sir Thomas Lipton, the tea genius, was born. ***I still can’t figure out how he did it. I keep planting those tea bags every year, and I’ve yet to grow a single glass.

1869: A golden spike was driven at Promontory, Utah, marking completion of the first transcontinental railroad in the U.S. ***Of course, the first train arrived late.

1908: The first Mother’s Day observance took place during a church service in Grafton, West Virginia.

1909: In the Blue Grass League, Winchester’s Fred Toney pitched 17 no-hit innings before finally winning 1-0 over Lexington.

1953: After seven years in the minors, Frank Verdi was inserted into the late-inning Yankee lineup. As he walked to the plate for his first major-league at bat, the opposing coach called time to change pitchers. Yankee manager Casey Stengel sent up a pinch-hitter for Verdi, who went back to the minors two days later and never got to swing at a major league pitch. ***Do you think he even bothered telling his kids or grandkids about that? “Yeah, I made it to the big time… I warmed that bench for two days – and it was the best bench I ever sat upon!”

1963: Decca Records signed The Rolling Stones. The group had been recommended by Beatle George Harrison.

1969: Tricia Nixon’s “Masque Ball” at the White House starred the Turtles and the Temptations. Turtle Mark Volman fell of the stage — five times.

1986: Actress Heather Locklear and Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee were married.

1990: The world’s largest painting was unveiled at Armidale, NSW, Australia. Students at Robb College painted a 72,437-square-foot smiley face.

1996: In Texas a Cochran County sheriff’s deputy accidentally shot himself and a dispatcher while giving a firearm safety demonstration. Both were hospitalized with non-life-threatening leg wounds.

1999: Police in Rapids Parish, Louisiana, recognized a man wanted in Houston for aggravated assault when they saw him on Jerry Springer in a televised battle between the man and his sister. Police rushed to a local relative’s home where the family was still watching Springer and arrested the suspect.

1999: A 23-year-old Chandler, Arizona, man called police for help after he handcuffed himself and didn’t have the key. Police uncuffed the man, then quickly arrested him after a computer check revealed a warrant for failing to appear in court for driving on a suspended license.

2002: NBA owners approved the Hornets’ move to New Orleans, ending the team’s 14-year stay in Charlotte.

2002: Dr. Pepper announced it would introduce a new flavor for the first time in 117 years. They called it Red Fusion.

2003: Old Spice deodorant agreed to sponsor the annual Festival of the Pit in Battle Mountain, Nevada, dubbed by Washington Post Magazine as the nation’s armpit. The festival is held in August each year when the town is at its smelliest. Highlights usually include an armpit beauty pageant, a sweat t-shirt contest, and a “quick-draw” antiperspirant contest.

2005: Germany dedicated a new national Holocaust memorial.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1310: In Paris, 54 Knights Templar are burned alive. The Catholic Church created the Templars to protect Holy Land pilgrims from bandits, but the knights’ quick rise in power and wealth made them unpopular. Philip the Fair of France against them trumped up charges of blasphemy and homosexuality to convince Pope Clement to disband the order and persecute its members.

1692: Anglicanism is made the state church of Maryland; three years later this is overturned. Ironically, the state had been founded by Lord Baltimore to give refuge to Roman Catholics.

1886: Karl Barth, one of the most important theologians of the twentieth century and opponent of theological liberalism and political fascism (especially under Hitler), is born in Basel, Switzerland. When asked in 1962 (on his one visit to America) how he would summarize the essence of the millions of words he had published, he replied, “Jesus loves me. This I know, for the Bible tells me so.”

1887: Ian Keith Falconer, a Britisher carrying the gospel to Aden, is martyred.

1939: Three major division of the Methodist church reunite in the US after 109 years of separation.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (“Saturday Night Live”, Snakes on a Plane, Fat Albert) Kenan Thompson 39

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1899 : Fred Astaire

1909 : Maybelle Carter

1935 : Larry Williams

1938 : Henry Fambrough (The Spinners)

1940 : Arthur Alexander

1941 : Danny Rapp (Danny and the Juniors)

1946 : Dave Mason (Traffic)

1946 : Donovan

1946 : Graham Gouldman (10cc)

1947 : Jay Ferguson (Spirit, Jo Jo Gunne)

1952 : Sly Dunbar (Sly & Robbie)

1957 : Sid Vicious (The Sex Pistols)

1960 : Bono (U2). Born Paul Hewson. He later shortens his nickname from Bono Vox to simply Bono.

1967 : Young MC

1980 : Jason Dalyrimple (Soul For Real)

1985 : Ashley Poole (Dream)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Do porcupines really shoot their quills at their enemies?

There are two denizens of the woods that are peculiar in their means of defending themselves. One is the skunk, who will put up a big stink when cornered. The other is the porcupine, which looks like a walking pincushion. Most of us have come across the skunk’s calling card in the country, but I’ll bet you’ve never encountered a porcupine except in a zoo. So I’ll just have to tell you: this little charmer does not launch itty-bitty guided missiles at its foes. In fact, the animal’s first line of protection against an attacker is to run like the dickens in the opposite direction. But if cornered, the porcupine will turn its rear end to its enemy–mooned by a porcupine!–and whack it with its quill-covered tale. The other party usually gets the point.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Ever wonder what makes Mercyme front man Bart Millard happy? He posted: Nothing makes me happier than guitarist Mike Scheuchzer’s dance during “Happy Dance”. Check it out at https://www.instagram.com/p/BTQffmcg6Tr/

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo is leading by example. He posted: Just waited to make sure the automatic toilet flushed, so I’ve done my civic duty for today. You’re welcome

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett on trying to be cool: Tried to nonchalantly zip my fly on stage during a song change. Ended up zipping up the hem of my shirt and ripping a hole in it.

Song writing runs in Ryan Stevenson’s family. He shared a couple of songs on instagram written recently by his son Keegan. Check out disappeared-O and crocodile at https://www.instagram.com/p/BTZFwIPjKTt/

Congratulations to We are Messengers bass player Matthew Montgomery. The band posted a picture of Matthew in his cap and gown and added: So proud of Matthew graduating today. Summa Cum laude. The boy may be the prettiest bass player around but has brains to boot. https://www.instagram.com/p/BTwvxD4gw96/

Natalie Grant received some encouragement last weekend in the form of her six year old daughter Sadie. She posted: So today I woke up with a cloud of darkness over my head. No specific reason, just heavy sadness. But as I laid in my bunk on my bus and pressed in to the presence of God, as I began to speak HIS truth over my heart and mind, His gentle voice spoke the simplest truth over me, and He did it through the sweet voice of my 6 year old who came to me and said: “Momma, when I’m scared I tell myself that Jesus is with me. So if you’re going through something that’s not that good, I hope you go through it with Jesus.” And then Sadie told me she thought she was supposed to tell the people in the audience today the same thing. So she did. https://www.instagram.com/p/BTcNzDMhuH3/

Something new from David Crowder. He posted over the weekend: I’ve read all the comments you’ve posted this week and there are some gold in them there comments. I’ve decided to start a new feature. Every Saturday I’ll post my favorite comment of the week. The first comes from Ry Wal, who posted a picture of Crowder playing golf with the inscription: Crowder Woods. https://www.instagram.com/p/BTwgSI_F8hf/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Called “the female Donald Trump” by her detractors, Marine Le Pen lost the French election on Sunday. ***Proving once and for all that Russia can’t rig an election after all.

A man in Italy reportedly killed a woman neighbor because she taught her parrot to insult him. ***Sounds like he deserved those insults.

Facebook is said to be looking at producing their own TV series. ***It will be similar to the comedy TV show “Friends”, but none of the characters actually know each other.

Crayola is looking for suggestions for the name of its new blue Crayon. ***I hear the name “Dandelion” is now available.

California is working on a plan to tax space travel by the mile. ***Leave it to a bunch of space cases to try and tax something they don’t own. How do you tax SPACE – something that’s not only NOT in your state, it’s not on your PLANET!

Toyota has claimed the title of World’s Fastest SUV after a Toyota Land Cruiser hit 230 miles an hour on a long runway. ***Great news for families always running late to soccer practice.

A dad in Texas warned his 17-year-old son: Get in trouble in physics class one more time and I’ll be coming to school to sit next to you. Brad Howard says his son — also named Brad — likes to be the life of the party. And dad Brad has been getting emails from teen Brad’s teacher. So last week, when teen Brad acted up in class again, dad brad went to school. Dad Brad said his son’s friends seemed to enjoy it: “I think they had a good time. Especially knowing that Bradley was put in an uncomfortable situation.” ***This, my fellow Weirdos, is called “Good Parenting”! https://twitter.com/mollih04/status/860543086153302021?goal=0_c01849cdd6-8560e5a7fa-234134373

A guy in Australia found a cockroach inside his M&Ms chocolate bar — and he took four bites out of the candy before spotting it. ***He didn’t notice at first until he realized that he didn’t buy a chocolate bar with a creamy center.

Bill Clinton will write a presidential thriller with bestselling crime writer James Patterson. The President Is Missing will be published in June 2018 and is being billed as a “unique amalgam of intrigue, suspense and behind-the-scenes global drama from the highest corridors of power.” ***And who better to write a crime thriller about a President, than a President who has been accused of so many crimes?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

You may think your one true love is the most important thing in your life, but you would probably be wrong. It appears our home computers take that honor. A recent study finds that 65% of Americans spend more time with their computer than their spouse or significant other, reports Digital Trends. Kelton Research also found that 52% of us said our most recent computer problem caused us to feel anger, sadness or alienation. ***Or is that our spouses?

Americans tend to identify so much with their automobiles that they often give their cars nicknames and even talk to them while they’re driving, according to a recent AP-AOL poll. 20% of drivers name their car. The #1 nickname is Betsy, followed by Nelly, Blue and Baby. Three in 10 think their car has a gender. 23% of drivers think their cars are female while only 7% perceive their cars as being male. 62% believe the kind of car you drive tells others something about who you are as a person. ***That’s not good. What’s this say about my personality – my first car was a white 1976 Ford Bobcat two-door mini-station-wagon with wood siding we named “Woody.”

According to a study in the journal Human Factors, talking on a cell phone makes 18-to-25 year-olds drive like they’re 70. Researchers at the University of Utah found that young motorists talking on their cell phones while driving move and react more slowly and increase their risk of accidents, almost mirroring the statistics of elderly drivers. ***They also have a tendency to roll down their windows and yell “turn down your stereo you young whipper-snappers!”

Americans will keep growing fatter until 42 percent of the nation is considered obese, and having fat friends is part of the problem. This prediction by Harvard University is from the same group that reported in 2007 that if someone’s friend becomes obese, that person’s chances of becoming obese increase by more than half. ***Friends of Terri Hatcher and the Olsen Twins have no worries whatsoever.

A study by the U.S. Forest Service found less crime occurs in neighborhoods with big trees in the yards, and more crime at homes with smaller trees. Small trees may aid criminals by providing hiding places for criminals. ***Wouldn’t you think LARGE trees would be easier to hide behind? You have to wonder if the guys doing this study are working for the government because no one in the private sector would hire them.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Louis the lion – currently the king of the jungle – decided he didn’t want to be king. So all of the animals went out to find a new king… and they’ve found a really big throne – and a really big crown! Then the animals asked Louis to try the crown on…

CLOSE: The searching has finally paid off! The animals have finally found a new king! Or have they? This older lion seems to like to nap a lot. What kind of king would he be? Tune in again next time, for As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

What do you think of this statement: “WE DEMAND OUR RIGHTS IN A FREE COUNTRY TO BE SOCIALISTS!” Make any sense to you? Me neither… and that’s why it’s today’s Moment of Duh!

Get this one… some high school students who were banned from wearing socialist armbands to school, are now screaming for their right to free speech! The school district finally did allow the students to wear the armbands after lawyers said that banning the symbols —- red stars on black backgrounds —- would infringe on the students’ first amendment rights to free expression. It all started when a school bus-driver complained about the symbols. Once the armbands were banned, the socialist teens decided to act like Americans again and began demanding their free speech rights. They are now calling their victory “a triumph for free-speech rights at high schools.” According Jennifer St. Clair, 16, “This shows that just because we are students, we are not going to just roll over if someone tramples on our rights.” Jennifer helped pass out flyers and red stars after her friends were asked to remove the armbands. Let’s recap. These teenagers want to celebrate Socialism – yet once they are treated as if they are Socialists (being given no rights to free speech at all) they suddenly want to become Americans to win their right to free speech. Once they confirm their right to free speech, they then celebrate Socialism again – where they wouldn’t be allowed their right to free speech. In other words, they want to be whatever they want to be whenever they want to be it. That sounds like freedom to me.

TOP TEN

SIGNS OF A FRUSTRATED MOTHER

1. Your children know how to read HTML code but can’t operate a vacuum cleaner.
2. Your children tell you that you said “yes” and you don’t even remember the question.
3. You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time.
4. Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of “stop that!” or “no!”.
5. You can’t remember the last time you didn’t have to share your drink.
6. You mistakenly tell the kids it’s “sanity” time when you meant to say “bed” time.
7. The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it’s out to get you.
8. You dread hearing the phone ring because it’s a sure sign there’s about to be trouble amongst the children.
9. It’s finally your turn on the computer and “Touched by an Angel” is just coming on.
10.You go to sleep with “I’m bored” or “I’m hungry” still ringing in your ears.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

What’s worse than stealing a car?  Stealing a police car comes to mind…

FILE #1: Two Los Gatos, California police officers are going to be taking quite a ribbing at the donut shop. After the officers arrested Justin Paul Gorman, through an as yet unexplained series of events, Gorman managed to get behind the wheel of their police car and speed away. Ironically, the officers had just arrested Gorman on charges of auto theft.

FILE #2: The Agora newspaper reports that an armed man was trying to rob an electronics store in Sao Paulo, Brazil, when the police arrived. He held four customers hostage and wouldn’t do anything until he had a chance to talk to his mother. The cops let him call his mom on the phone to ask what to do, and she told him to release the hostages and surrender, which he did. A police spokesman said, “I never saw anything like this before; he was the classic case of a mama’s boy until the end.”

FILE #3: A man, sitting in a restaurant, receives a call on his cell phone. With little thought or concern about what other patrons might hear, he repeats the details and pick-up point for an illegal drug deal. What this man did not know, was that in the booth behind him, there were two police officers and a detective who worked in the drug enforcement division. Since the deal was to go down in 4 hours, the police had plenty of time to prepare for the
drug bust. As a result, drug enforcement officers were able to bust 6 drug dealers including a major dealer that under cover agents had been trying to capture for over 5 years. The man who once talked on the cell phone now does all his talking in a cell!

STRANGE LAW: In Portland, ME, shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Nancy Drew doesn’t have anything on a New Castle, Del., family.

They set a trap to catch the joyriders who were taking the family SUV out for a spin. Police say the owner figured someone was using the Acura MDX in the middle of the night. The owner repeatedly smelled gas and marijuana in the vehicle. So, the family rigged the SUV with a motion sensor and an alarm. The next time it was driven away, the owner called the cops. New Castle police report busting a pair 18-year-olds. Officers say the young men had been using a spare set of keys they found in the unlocked car.

PHONER PHUN

What was the best piece of advice your mom ever gave you?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What king prophesied while accompanied by a minstrel?
ANSWER: Elisha (2 Kings 4:32)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many dust mites can one gram of dust hold?

ANSWER: 500. (An ounce can hold 13,500) – gross!!

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. There were 15 Apollo flights before the first moon landing. (False, 4)

2. Walt Disney died in 1981. (False, 1966)

3. The only state whose flag still has a Union Jack in it is Hawaii. (True)

4. Bill Clinton had solar panels installed on the White House roof. (False, Jimmy Carter did)

5. Harry Truman was the only 20th-centry U.S. president without a college degree. (True)

6. The titanic was at sea only 1 day before sinking. (False, 4 days)

7. The TV show “Zorro,” was the first TV program to incorporate the use of sign language. (True)

8. Jim Belushi was the comedian that played the film role of “Fletch.” (False, Chevy Chase)

9. Rin-tin-tin and Jim Belushi’s dog in the film “K9” were both German Shephards. (True)

10. On the T.V. drama, big city cop Baretta lived in a rundown hotel with his pet rat. (False, pet Cockatoo)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

STRANGE __________ (TAKEOUT)

Last week, popular Chinese restaurant Wu’s Diamond Garden received a strange call from outside of their delivery area… way outside.

“They ordered 30 quarts of Clams and Loofa Soup, 20 Fried Wontons, 50 orders of Fishy in Scallion Sauce, and a carton of white rice,” said Diamond Garden employee Joy Luk.

“Then they asked us to deliver it to Lunar Base Beta on the Moon’s far side, apartment number 20000023. I assumed it was someone playing a joke and hung up.”

However, a half hour later there was a deafening noise in the parking lot be- hind the restaurant. Luk went outside to investigate and got the surprise of her life. “A small spaceship landed in the parking
lot, flattening some garbage cans and my Camry,” said Luk. “The door slid open and a small alien with large oval eyes emerged.”

The extraterrestrial apologized for the unusual phone call, and the dam- age, and explained that he was part of a Martian settlement on our Moon. His people had sampled Chinese food while visiting Earth and brought back leftovers, which had run out. Fortunately, they had a menu and wanted us to deliver.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

Her daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilts.”

Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, “Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming.”

JOKE #2

While on maternity leave, the woman wet to her office to show everyone her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year- old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, “Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?”

“What do you say?” she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, “You’re thin and beautiful.”

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

JOKE #3

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help.  The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he’d wiped off sweat with dirty hands.  His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt.  Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.

“Hello, there,” said the motorist.  “Say, I’ve changed a lot of tires.  Maybe I can help here.”

“You sure can,” the man with the flat tire replied wearily.  “My wife is an expert, too.  If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done.”

USELESS FACTS

A new study says we tend to spend more money if we go shopping when we’re sad. ***That’s not good. I usually get depressed halfway through my shopping when I realize I can’t afford to be shopping…

According to a new survey, nearly a quarter of British men and women said they would give up chocolate for six months in return for a 50-inch plasma TV. ***That’s a tough one, because my favorite time to eat chocolate is when I’m watching TV.

FEATURED FUNNIES

AFTER “O”

Sandi’s second-grade teacher was quizzing the students on the alphabet. “Sandi,” she said, “what comes after ‘O’?”

Sandi answered, “Yeah!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

What exactly does it mean to have a “jury of your peers?”

I love this story. The Weekly World News reports from Tailgate, Kentucky, a judge recently ruled that a man suspected of stealing cars was entitled to a jury of his peers – namely, other car thieves. Hank “Jump Start” Ford, 29, was arrested and charged with stealing a 1998 red Camaro. The case took an unusual twist when Ford’s lawyer, Fred Scottsboro, filed a motion saying that, according to the Constitution, Ford was entitled to a trial by “a jury of his peers” — and that meant other car thieves. At first Judge Hank Goss was inclined to deny the motion. But surprisingly, Judge Goss agreed. The county issued jury summons to all convicted car thieves in a 50-mile radius, including some who were still in prison. Ford took the stand and testified that he stole the car because he “really liked it,” and “couldn’t afford to buy one.” The jurors nodded sympathetically. After both sides rested, the jury deliberated for 12 minutes before finding Ford “not guilty.” Afterward, Judge Goss, the prosecutor and even Scottsboro all reported their cars were missing.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE DAY LISA LOST

By Michael T. Powers

I love sports. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about the many professional athletes of today who have developed a me-first attitude, after being raised in a win-at-all-cost generation. A generation where role models are severely lacking, and most of the headlines that capture our attention are of those athletes who are in trouble.
No, I am talking about high school sports, where lessons of life are still being learned, and where athletes still compete for the love of the game and their teammates.
I know some of you are thinking, “The high school athletes of today are just as bad!” And you would be partially right. The me-first attitude is trickling down into the high school and junior high athletes.
But in the midst of all of this is a young lady from Wisconsin.
I first met Lisa Kincaid on the volleyball court as she played for a rival high school in the conference I coach in. Many times I was on the opposing sidelines and could only watch in awe at her athleticism. The speed of a cheetah, the mental toughness of veteran, and a 32 inch vertical jump! (Unheard of for a high school girl. And she was only a sophomore!)
Starting her junior year, I was fortunate enough to coach Lisa on a USA Junior Olympic Volleyball team, and it was during these two years that my wife and I grew to love and respect her.
If anyone had a right to be cocky or proud of herself it was Lisa. Besides being one of the best volleyball and basketball players in the state, she became a track legend in the Dairy State. How good was she? She went 64 straight conference meets and never lost in any event she was entered in. She made trips to the state finals all four years she was in high school, and came away with 6 state titles. Many times she was the lone representative at the state competition for her team, and would single-handedly place her high school as high as third. While she excelled in the triple jump, long jump, 100, and 200 meter dashes, there were times when her coach needed her to fill in for other events. One particular day he asked her to run the 300 meter hurdles. She had never competed in this event before, but the coach needed her that day for the good of the team. How did she do? She not only won, she set the school record in the first and only time she competed in that event!
Never once did she ever brag about her accomplishments. In fact she felt uncomfortable talking about her achievements and would usually steer the conversation away from her and to the performances of her younger sisters or other teammates.
There was one particular track meet during Lisa’s junior year where she impressed upon me what is still good about sports these days.
It was a non-conference meet late in the year and Lisa’s coach told her he needed her to run the mile. Lisa had never done so, but agreed to do what was best for the team.
Lisa easily outdistanced the competition, but on the last lap, she “seemed” to grow “tired.” Two athletes from the other team passed her, and then so did Julie, Lisa’s teammate. She was “able to stay just behind” her teammate and cross the finish line at Julie’s heels.
Lisa “lost” an event for the first time in her track career.
You see, athletes in Lisa’s track program need to earn a set amount of points in order to earn a varsity letter. Lisa knew that Julie, who was a senior, needed to finish at least third to earn a letter for the first time. Lisa also knew that the two athletes on the other team were most likely going to beat Julie, if they ran anywhere near the times they had been running all year, but that barring an injury during the race, Julie was a lock to finish third.
But that was until the coach entered Lisa in the event. Lisa remembered all this as she lined up for the start of that race, and I had often wondered why she had a slight smile on her face after having lost for the first time ever.
After four years of working hard, Julie finally received her first varsity letter, and helped her team win the meet.
And Lisa? On that day that she lost — she earned my respect and admiration, and in my mind, she solidified herself as the role model this generation sorely needs.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE GREATNESS OF GODLINESS

READ: Genesis 47:7-12

Jacob blessed Pharaoh, and went out from before Pharaoh. —Genesis 47:10

In the eyes of most people, Jacob’s brother Esau was the greater man of the two. Through the years he had accumulated immense wealth and power. He was the ruler of the land of Edom and could have met Pharaoh on his own terms. Yet Esau, with all his earthly authority, could not have blessed Pharaoh. Only Jacob had that power (Genesis 47:10).

The spiritual is greater than the natural. God can endow a humble human being with awesome moral force. Holiness has within itself the power to master all other powers.

The Greek word for power or authority (exousia) contains the preposition ex, which means “out of” or “from.” This suggests that the ability to influence others flows from inside. It is rooted in what we are. “Do you wish to be great?” Augustine asked. “Then begin by being.” Greatness comes from holiness and nothing more.

I have a friend who makes his way through the halls of power in Washington, DC, meeting with the most prominent women and men in the world. He speaks a word or two, prays, and then walks on, but he leaves behind the lingering and compelling influence of Christ. He has the aura of greatness that surrounds all whose lives reflect the character of Jesus. It is the greatness of godliness. —David H. Roper

I want my heart His throne to be,
So that a watching world may see
His likeness shining forth in me;
I want to be like Jesus.  —Chisholm

Even a little example can have a big influence for Christ.

LEFTOVERS

Crime doesn’t pay? Apparently that’s not always true.

When Liverpool, England’s Carl Murphy was nine years old, he fell 40 feet through the roof of a building and suffered a massive skull fracture. As you may have guessed, Murphy sued the building’s owner. This despite the fact that he was trespassing at the time. Murphy alleged that if the site had a better security fence to keep him out, he wouldn’t have been injured. Luckily for the now 18-year-old Carl, he found a boneheaded judge who agreed and awarded him over $1 million in damages. Carl says that after all he’s been through, he feels that he deserves the money. Murphy, who’s since done time for robbery and assault, says he plans to spend his money on a fancy car and a big house so he has a place to live with mother…when she gets out of jail.

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO PACK A HEALTHIER LUNCHBOX

Follow this game plan for healthy lunches your kids will love.

  • Mix it up: Kids tire of sandwiches, so give them plenty of variety.  For example, mix strawberries and blueberries into low-fat vanilla yogurt with a serving of whole-grain crackers on the side; or make trail mix with a cup of Cheerios, a handful of nuts, and a cup of dried fruit, such as raisins or cranberries.

  • Keep it safe: Keep foods from spoiling by freezing a water bottle and popping it in with the lunch.  By the time your child is ready to eat, the ice will be almost melted, and the lunch will still be cold.

  • Make it fun: For young ones, use cookie cutters to create fun shapes out of a sandwich.  Try slipping a few stickers or a little “I love you” note into the lunchbox, and that same old cheese sandwich becomes much more palatable.

JUST FOR FUN

PROFESSIONAL QUIZ

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. Be sure to cover up all of the answers so you can’t cheat. Otherwise this test is useless! There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional…

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?

Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability.

RESULTS:

  • If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.

  • If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there’s hope for you.

  • If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

  • If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It’s the only way you will ever make any money.

  • If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.

FUN LIST

THINGS MOMS SAY

  • If you keep making that face, it’ll stick.

  • You have to wait an hour before you get back in the pool… because you’ll get a cramp, that’s why.

  • Yes. We’re almost there.

  • Don’t chew with your mouth open.

  • Don’t talk with your mouth full.

  • No. You can’t have that [fill in the blank]. It’ll spoil your dinner.

  • I don’t care what [fill in the blank]’s mother says.

  • Don’t put that in your mouth. You don’t know where it’s been.

  • Because those vegetables are good for you … and the children in Ethiopia are starving.

  • Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean you have to. If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HE’S SUCH A HARD WORKER

Ladies, want to find a good husband or boyfriend? Pick a workaholic.

Experts say hard-working men make the best loving partners. They say the ability to make a commitment to a job is definitely connected with the ability to be committed to a relationship. It’s a myth that workaholic men are cold, unfeeling, too concerned with making money and make insensitive marriage partners. A Harvard study of 500 men revealed that hardworking guys had the best mental health, had achieved the highest levels of maturity and they were shown to be extremely competent in personal relationships as well.  ***MARLAR: I took the opposite approach and found a good workaholic woman.  That way she is loving, a great provider, and I can continue watching Judge Judy without interruption.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

If you want a healthy brain, stay in school and take the stairs. While those two recommendations seem completely unrelated to each other, it turns out that both will help keep your brain young, slowing down the aging of gray matter, according to researchers at Montreal’s Concordia University. A study found that brain age decreases by 0.95 years for each year of education, and by 0.58 years for every daily flight of stairs climbed. In comparison to many other forms of physical activity, taking the stairs is something most older adults can and already do at least once a day, unlike vigorous forms of physical activity. This is encouraging because it demonstrates that a simple thing like climbing stairs has great potential as an intervention tool to promote brain health.

Science is now showing that chocolate cake has benefit, and the benefits increase if you eat it for breakfast. The study took place at the Syracuse University in New York. According to their results, chocolate has a positive effect on cognitive performance and if you eat it regularly, it can improve your memory and abstract thinking. According to the study, it was also important to eat chocolate before 9 o’clock in the morning. Your body converts food and energy more efficiently in the morning, so that piece of cake is less likely to end up on the waistline.

http://tipsforhome.net/health-tips/science-shows-eating-chocolate-cake-breakfast-good-brain-waistline/

Clenched fists are seen as a sign of anger, but the action can actually help control emotions, reveals a recent study that finds tightening muscles strengthens willpower. “The mind and body are closely tied together,” explain the study’s authors, who add that “merely clenching muscles” can help a person “get a grip” and that includes fighting the urge for a sinful scoop of ice cream, too. Researchers in America and Singapore observed volunteers plunge their hands in icy water for as long as they could. Those with clenched fists were able to put up with the pain twice as long. And when faced with distressing information about innocent children caught up in the Haiti earthquake, fist-clenchers were more likely to donate money, probably because their resolve to help was strengthened. Plus, it can be good for your waistline. Says an expert: “Volunteers who tensed their hands on their way to a snack shop bought less junk food.”

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MAY 05, 2017…

Guardians Of The Galaxy: Volume II—And here comes the first of the early summer blockbusters. For fans, Chris Pratt (Star Lord) is back in action with his friends the Raccoon (voice of Bradley Cooper) and Baby Groot (Vin Diesel.) Also, there are Karen Gillan, Dave Battista, Kurt Russell. and Michael Rooker. Directed by James Gunn, the group is out to find out more about Chris‘s parents, plus they have Awesome Tape 2 for company. “Guardians Of The Galaxy: Volume II” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

The Lovers—In this comedy, Debra Winger and Tracy Letts are getting a divorce and a final parting of the ways…until, they re-discover each other again. What to do? Also in the cast is Aidan Dillan. “The Lovers” is rated PG 13. No rating.

The Dinner—Richard Gere, Steve Coogan and Laura Linney star in this film about a special dinner that will determine the future of their children. It is a thriller about how parents protect their children and to what lengths they will go. “The Dinner” is rated R. No rating.

3 Generations–This is a film about a young woman who wants to change her gender. Mom is played by Naomi Watts, while the grandmother is Susan Sarandon, Elle Fanning plays the young woman. And how do the generations handle this new situation? “3 Generations” is rated R. No rating.

Chuck—Liev Schreiber is the boxer Chuck Wepner who was the inspiration for the film “Rocky” that made Sylvester Stallone famous. “Chuck” is rated PG 13. No rating.

MAY 12, 2017…

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword has Charlie Hunnam (“Sons of Anarchy”) as Arthur and getting the sword from the stone.

Snatched is a comedy about a road trip and stars Amy Schumer.

The Wall concerns snipers and stars John Cena.

The Locksmith is a horror film about crime in the south and stars Don Wallace.

Lowriders concerns the macho world of redoing cars to ride low and fast. Stars Demian Bichir and Eva Longoria.

Paris Can Wait has Diane Lane becoming tired of Hollywood and going on a road trip in France.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.