May 16, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This is (THE JOCK SHOW). We may not be the biggest radio show, and we may not be the best. But we have more nifty slogans than the other guys — and surely that counts for something.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Since the creation of the world, God’s invisible qualities — his eternal power and divine nature — have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. — Romans 1:20

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. — Ecclesiastes 11:5

From infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. — 2 Timothy 3:15

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil. — Proverbs 4:27

Thought: When I see someone swerving in and out of their lanes of traffic, I immediately go into a defensive driving mode. Whether they are drunk, sleepy, or just plain careless, I know they are dangerous. God wants us to know the same is true of us when we allow ourselves to wander by and sample every form of temptation available. Let’s stick to the straight and narrow with our eyes firmly fixed on Jesus!

Prayer: Loving Father, please forgive me for being so easily distracted by sinful temptations. Please give me wisdom to see the things that the evil one has designed for me and avoid them and resist them. Please make Jesus, his costly sacrifice, and his holy life very real to me today, and every day, as I seek to be your holy child in the corrupt world in which I live. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Matthew 5:16 NIV = In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – MAY 16, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
222 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

NATIONAL EFFECTIVENESS WEEK begins today.  ***That’s it? They just tell us it’s Effectiveness Week but nothing more specific?  Doesn’t seem all that effective, does it?

Today is SING “ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT” IN ROUNDS DAY. ***You might want to try it at the office to impress your boss. We’d try it here at the station, but no one, including myself, can carry a note in a bucket.

Today is the ANNIVERSARY OF A VOTE THAT TOOK PLACE IN WILLIAMSTOWN, MASSACHUSETTS. In 1996, the town voted 165-138 to end the 200-year-old tradition of opening the town’s annual meeting with a prayer. The ironic thing is that, even though they voted to ban the opening prayer, they took time before the vote to pray for guidance and wisdom regarding whether or not they should ban the prayer. That’s actually dumber than if they’d sung “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

TODAY IS ALSO…

Biographer’s Day
Mimosa Day
National Piercing Day
National Sea Monkey Day
Honor Our LGBT Elders’ Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 17

International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia
National Employee Health & Fitness Day
Turn Beauty Inside Out Day
Syttende Mai
World Hypertension Day
World Telecommunications and Information Society Day
World Neurofibromatosis Day (NF Day)

THURSDAY, MAY 18

Buy A Musical Instrument Day
HIV Vaccine Awareness Day
I Love Reeses Day
National Museum Day
Mother Whistler Day
Hummus Day
Visit Your Relatives Day

FRIDAY, MAY 19

Boys Club Day
Endangered Species Day
International Virtual Assistants Day
May Ray Day
O. Henry Pun-off Day
NASCAR Day
National Bike to Work Day
National Defense Transportation Day
National Pizza Party Day
National Scooter Day
National Hepatitus Testing Day
National Asian & Pacific Islander HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
World Autoimmune Arthritis Day

SATURDAY, MAY 20

Armed Forces Day:
Bay to Breakers Race
Do Dah Day
Eliza Doolittle Day
Everybody Draw Mohammed Day
National Learn To Swim Day
Preakness
Morel Mushroom Day
Weights & Measures Day

SUNDAY, MAY 21

American Red Cross Founder’s Day
End of the World or Rapture Party Day
I Need A Patch For That Day
National Wait Staff Day
Neighbor Day
Sister Maria Hummel Day
Soil Stewardship Day
Take Your Parents To The Playground Day
World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue & Development

MONDAY, MAY 22

Accountant’s Day or Accounting Day
Canadian Immigrants Day
Harvey Milk Day
International Day for Biological Diversity
National Maritime Day
US Colored Troops Day
Victoria Day
World Goth Day

TUESDAY, MAY 23

International Day to End Obstetric Fistula
Declaration of the Bab Day
International Day to End Obstetric Fistula
National Taffy Day
World Crohn’s and Colitis Day
World Turtle Day

ON THIS DAY

218: Speaking of being ineffective (see today’s Weird Holidays), Heliogabalus became Emperor of Rome. He was a terrible ruler. He appointed his hairstylist the Attorney General, and made his mother the Sun God! ***Fortunately, no one could pronounce his name to rebuke him.

1770: Fourteen-year-old Marie Antoinette married the future King Louis VI of France who was 15.

1831: David Hughes was born in London. David invented the microphone. ***If he hadn’t done that, this story would sound something like this: (yelling) “DAVID HUGHES WAS BORN IN LONDON ON THIS DAY IN 1831! DAVID DIDN’T INVENT DIDDLYSQUAT!”

1904: The automohorse was patented. The first autos tended to scare horses, so this ingenious invention was an automobile that looked like a horse.

1965: The Beach Boys sang their hit “Help Me, Rhonda” on “The Ed Sullivan Show.”

1985: Michael Jordan was named NBA Rookie of the Year. He had been drafted #3 by Chicago. In the 1984 draft, Houston took Akeem Olajuwon at #1, Portland drafted Sam Bowie #2. Dallas took Sam Perkins #4, Philadelphia got Charles Barkley at #5. Utah finally grabbed lowly Gonzaga’s John Stockton at #16.

1985: Columbia Records presented a $6.5-million check to USA For Africa, royalty earned in only two months by the single “We Are the World.” Singer Harry Belefonte was credited as the original pusher for artists to help raise money for the starving in Africa.

1988: The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police can search your garbage without a warrant if they suspect criminal activity.

1989: The Vatican condemned pornography and violence in films, specifically mentioning King Fu movies. ***It took the Vatican until 1989 to condemn pornography? What was the debate THERE?!?

1991: Fourteen Stanford University students started leapfrogging. They stopped 10 days and 999.2 miles later with a Guinness world record. ***They were trying for a thousand miles, but had to quit when half of them were run over in the highway or eaten by alligators that looked like logs.

1992: Weird Al Yankovic’s “Smell Like Nirvana” peaked at #35 in the U.S.

1996: Residents of Williamstown, Massachusetts, voted 165-138 to end their 200-year tradition of opening the annual town meeting with a prayer. Before they voted, they prayed.

1999: Near Somerset, England, a rookie bull named President suffering from nervous exhaustion brought on by having to service 80 cows was treated with acupuncture to cure the stress. Dairy farmer Richard Clothier said using drugs would endanger his farm’s organic status. The acupuncture worked and helped President relax.

2000: The New York Democratic Party nominated First Lady Hillary Clinton for the U.S. Senate, making her the first First Lady to run for public office..

2005: Sony introduced three new styles of its PlayStation 3 video game machine.

2007: Twenty-two-year-old Evonne D. Maurice pleaded guilty in federal court to trying to rob a Rhode Island bank at a drive-up window while traveling in a hired limousine. She told the driver she needed to withdraw cash from a branch bank to pay for the ride. Then she handed the teller an envelope with a note demanding money. The teller triggered an alarm. Police said the driver was unaware of the robbery attempt. Maurice was sentenced to 37 months in prison for two other Connecticut bank robberies after police found her working at a Hooters in Florida.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

583: Brendan the Navigator, founder of a Celtic monastery in Clonfert, Ireland, dies. Some Irish scholars have asserted that Brendan was among the first Europeans to reach America, nine centuries before Columbus.

1569: Dirk Willem, Anabaptist, is burned at the stake, captured only because he turned to save a pursuer who had fallen through the ice that Willem was fleeing over. The very man he rescued took him captive.

1805: Henry Martyn, a well-educated Englishman, arrives in India to aid William Carey with translation work.

1835: A few men meet in David Nasmith’s little home to found the London City Mission. Nasmith had already founded the world’s first city mission in Glasgow nine years earlier.

1945: Death of G. Campbell Morgan, one of the great expositors of the Bible. He began to preach at thirteen, but his faith faltered in face of materialism. For years he neglected his Bible. Then a change occurred. “I bought a new Bible and began to read it with an open mind and a determined will. That Bible found me. The Book gave forth a glow which warmed my heart, and the Word of God which I read therein gave to my troubled soul the relief and satisfaction that I had sought for elsewhere. Since that time I have lived for one end–to preach the teachings of the Book that found me.”

1957: Harold Jackson and Joseph Brown sign an agreement to buy land for New Tribes Mission to create a boot camp in Australia to facilitate efforts to reach Papua New Guinea for Christ.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • daughter-actress (“Beverly Hills 90210”) Tori Spelling 44 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“Growing Pains”) Tracey Gold, 48 (audio clip)

  • Actor (“Kids in the Hall,” Sky High, Pastor Dave on “That 70’s Show”) Kevin McDonald, 56 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Terms of Endearment, An Officer and a Gentleman) Debra Winger, 62

  • actor (“Remington Steele,” Dante’s Peak, The World is Not Enough, The November Man) Pierce Brosnan 64 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1913 : Woody Herman

1919 : Liberace

1929 : Betty Carter

1932 : Isaac “Red” Holt (Young-Holt Unlimited, The Ramsey Lewis Trio)

1935 : Corinthian “Kripp” Johnson (The Dell-Vikings)

1939 : Pervis Jackson (The Spinners)

1945 : Nicky Chinn

1946 : Roger Earl (Foghat, Savoy Brown)

1946 : Robert Fripp (King Crimson)

1946 : Billy Cobham

1947 : Darrel Sweet (Nazareth)

1947 : Barbara Lee (The Chiffons)

1949 : William Spooner (Grateful Dead)

1951 : Jonathan Richman (The Modern Lovers)

1953 : Richard Page (Mr. Mister)

1955 : Hazel O’Connor

1965 : Krist Novoselic (Nirvana)

1966 : Janet Jackson (Janet Damita Jo Jackson)

1968 : Ralph Tresvant (New Edition)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Were hot dogs ever made of dogs?
Nah. But when they were first introduced, people wouldn’t touch hot dogs for fear that they were made of dogs. So how did the hot dog get its strange name? Good question. The hot dog was originally called “frankfurter” after Frankfurt, Germany, its birthplace. But from the beginning people called it “dachshund sausage,” because it looked like the long, thin dog. In the US, the German sausage was especially popular with New York baseball fans, who bought the newfangled sandwich from vendors who sold them by yelling, “Get your dachshund sausages while they’re red hot.” Ted Dorgan, a leading cartoonist, thought these vendors were so comical, that he decided to lampoon them. In his cartoon, they were shown selling REAL dachshund dogs in a roll, yelling “Get your hot dogs!” at each other. The name stuck, and the rest is history.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Mercyme front man Bart Millard recently shared about their new song: ‘Even If’ is a reminder to people in difficult situations that don’t seem to go away. God is worthy long before any of those circumstances even showed up. In fact, what Christ has already done on the cross is probably the only thing we need to get through those circumstances. It’s a foundation that was built long before those difficulties came to be. This song is a declaration to God that even if He went silent and never said another word, He’s still worthy to be praised and that He’s our greatest hope in the midst of the trial.”

Tauren Wells recently shared the following thoughts about his new song Hills and Valleys: I’d love to tell you that walking with Jesus is a walk from victory to victory, blessing to blessing, but it is more often about what God does IN you, fashioning us more unto Himself. Suffering is a real part of following Jesus. This is so opposite of westernized Christianity. However, if glory is a reality than so is suffering. There is a closeness only brokenness creates.

A confession from Jimmy Needham: I’ve never spelled exercise right on the first try.

Tenth Avenue North member Jeff Owens says his experience with solar shingles has been mixed. He gave the shingles themselves a thumbs up but gave a thumbs down to the state of Tennessee for not offering to pay for power sent back to the grid.

A tidbit about Kutless guitarist James Mead. He posted this week that he has completely stopped eating sugar.

Kutless member James Mead recently explained why the band hasn’t been out on the road as much as normal. James said there are two reasons: Touring is hard and right now they are focusing on our non-profit organization EOTA Ministries. However, James added that a new Kutless album is in the works and that will have them touring again soon. https://twitter.com/wickedtfkfan/status/862456731783241728

A lot of changes for David Dunn. He recently posted that he got engaged – and got a new puppy. David shared a picture of his new Great Dane puppy on Instagram and shared a short video as he popped the question. https://www.instagram.com/p/BT0HjE9lznH/?taken-by=davidtdunn&hl=en

Jason Gray recently asked fellow artist Andrew Peterson if he knew of a good carpenter. Andrew replied with a picture of Jesus. https://www.instagram.com/p/BT9VG2Dg8Qq/

A reminder from Tobymac as you listen to the news today: “There are a lot of voices out there saying which way we should go and a lot of dialogue needs to happen but at the end of the day, we need love to break through if we are going to come together.”

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

When a Vietnam man went into surgery after being in a car accident, doctors were surprised to find a pair of scissors in his stomach that had been left there in a previous surgery, 18 years ago. ***Well no wonder he was complaining about a sharp pain in his gut – he had something sharp in his gut!

There’s research that indicates the active ingredient that gives chillies their kick can surround cancer cells and kill them off which could help develop a cure for cancer. ***Unfortunately, the pills leave your mouth on fire and no amount of water seems to be a relief.

A company in Japan has installed smartphone wipes in restrooms at Tokyo International Airport. They’ve even posted a helpful instructional video on how to use Japanese toilets as well as the new smartphone wipes. ***This might work in Japan, but in the U.S. this would go horribly wrong. Someone would get confused, think the smartphone wipe is a wet wipe, and have to be rushed to the emergency room because something went wrong with their rumpus.

Around 20% of Americans are on Internet almost constantly. ***Fess up – you’re listening to my on the web right now, ain’t ya?

An Australian helicopter pilot with the munchies landed his chopper next to a McDonald’s to grab some food. On Saturday the pilot landed his chopper on the lawn next to a McDonald’s, got out of the aircraft, entered the restaurant to get food, got back into the helicopter and flew away. ***See? THIS is why we weed McDrone Delivery to be a thing – like yesterday.

The latest incident United Airlines incent: Access codes to the cockpit doors on United planes were made public. ***The hardest job in the world right now has be the United Airlines PR Director.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

High school students spend three hours or more on the average school day playing video or computer games or using a computer for something other than school work. ***Although it can be argued that these kids were simply preparing for the future and will be more ready than the rest of us when the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse finally does take place.

Researchers have identified a gene that can cause symptoms of major depression and said it may be possible to use gene therapy to counteract its effects. ***Yeah… jeans getting too tight on me gives me the blues too.

A survey of America’s commuters reveals some interesting facts. Chief among them: many folks text and drive. ***At least, I think that’s what the story said – it was hard to read it on my phone while driving in this morning.

It’s no secret that millions of Americans are sleep-deprived, and being drowsy at the wheel is adding to the dangerous mix of cell phones and texting that drivers face each day. In a study by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety, 41 percent of drivers admitted that at some point in their lives, they had nodded off at the wheel. Eleven percent said they’d fallen asleep within the past year, and some drivers confessed they had been asleep for more than a minute on a multilane road. After analyzing the data, researchers say accidents involving sleepy drivers are responsible for significantly more accidents than previously thought. ***It’s thought that one factor is many young drivers attend public schools and are so uneducated that they think cruise control is the same as autopilot.

If you want to lose weight, don’t diet by skipping breakfast. A study shows overweight men who ate eggs and lean Canadian bacon in the morning had a great sense of fullness throughout the day, compared to those who ate the extra protein at lunch or dinner. ***Wait a minute… so the news here is that if I want to lose weight, I should be sure to eat? I like that plan.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: Oooookay. Personally, I think the song stinks. I’d much rather hear some three-part harmony – I’m sure the Cheetah sisters would too. Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

What exactly constitutes an “emergency” in your home?

A British family was not too clear on the concept of a “real emergency”. The family in Wolverhampton, England called the 9-9-9 emergency number (the equivalent to the American 9-1-1 number) in desperate need of help. But when paramedics arrived the family’s so-called emergency was that their television had broken! A spokesperson for the ambulance company rationalized that the distraught family didn’t realize the service (the 9-9-9 number) is usually reserved for fire, police or medical emergencies.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS MAY IS AN EXCITING MONTH

10. Coming Soon to a Nose Near You: Allergies!

9. Three words – Correctional Officers Week

8. Time saved writing May on checks makes up for February.

7. Playing in traffic: fun… Playing in Indy 500 traffic: exhilarating!

6. Because it is nearly done snowing in North Dakota!!!!

5. Why, what greater thrill is there than prancing around a maypole!

4. May flowers instead of April showers!

3. The School year is almost over!

2. It’s the shortest written month of the year….at least the lazy people are excited.

1. The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Four Detroit carjackers thought they had found an easy mark when they spotted a woman stopped in her car.

FILE #1: They were wrong.  The men commandeered the vehicle, but they didn’t get far It turns out that the woman had a flat tire and was waiting for a tow truck. They jumped out of that car and took off in another vehicle, leading police on a chase. However, our friends soon crashed into a fence and hit part of a brick house and were arrested.

FILE #2: A New Jersey teenager’s prank almost got her parent’s in trouble. While traveling through Pennsylvania, the 15-year-old girl thought it would be funny to hold up a sign in the window for passing motorists to see that read: “HELP WE’RE BEING KIDNAPPED!” A driver saw the sign and reported it to police, who stopped the car and issued the citation before letting the family continue with the trip.

FILE #3: An Italian teenager on trial for robbery should’ve stopped before he got himself into more trouble! The young man, on trial for allegedly robbing a Madrid taxi driver said he has a solid alibi: On the night in question he said he was in another town picking pockets. Prosecutors say he could now spend 10 years in jail for the crimes.

STRANGE LAW: In Pocatello, Idaho, “It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city’s reputation.”

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A would-be robber goes to rob a drug store… but calls on the way to say he’s coming to rob it!

A 21-year-old man was arrested after calling a drug store to say he was on the way to rob it. Police said Joshua Amell was arrested in the parking lot of an Osco Drug store. The store called police to report a robbery, and officers who arrived were told the pharmacist was on the phone with a man he believed was responsible for robbing the store. He said the man told him he had a gun and was on his way to the pharmacy to get more of the drug he’d stolen before. Amell was arrested when he pulled into the parking lot.

PHONER PHUN

Ladies, what mistakes do guys make on that first date that guarantee you’ll never see him again? Expecting to go dutch? Not opening doors for you? Trying to get a kiss on the first date? Maybe showing up in t-shirt and dirty jeans? What’s a sure fire thing guys can do on a date that makes it a LAST date?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who saved her unwise husband from the wrath of David, and later married David after the death of that husband?
ANSWER: Abigail (1 Samuel 25)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was Snow White’s sister’s name?

ANSWER: Rose Red

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. You would have found the famed “Murderer’s Row” at Fenway Park. (False, Yankees Stadium)

2. Farsi is the official language of Iraq. (False, Iran)

3. Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Mao Tse-Tung and modern military leaders used Sun Tzu’s war manual. (True)

4. G.I. Joe first appeared in a TV show. (False, a comic strip)

5. Stirlings, halifaxes and lancasters were all names of WWII bombers. (True)

6. The King of England wore motley on his body and a coxcomb on his head. (False, The Court Jester)

7. Camp Kommandant Col. Wilhelm Klink played the trumpet on TV’s “Hogan’s heroes.” (False, Violin)

8. The Fox show in which two FBI agents investigate paranormal phenomena was known as “The X-Room”. (False, “The X-Files”)

9. Kojak’s first name was Rick. (False, Theo)

10. When he was only 10 years old, Jim Carey sent his resume to Carol Burnett! (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ENTIRE TOWN LOSES _________ (MEMORY)

Deep in the heart of the Midwest, residents of one picturesque town in Missouri feel as though they all have forgotten something: their entire lives.

BLOOMSDALE, Mo. — To most Americans, last Tuesday is fresh in their minds. They may have gone to a salon, seen a movie, had a typical day at work. But in Bloomsdale, no one remembers Tuesday. In fact, not one resident remembers anything about his or her whole life.

State authorities first suspected a hoax when they came across a town of confused and wandering individuals, not sure of where they lived or what they did for a living. Families seem to have no recollection of their relationships. Not even local police can be reached, because simply, nobody remembers which residents were officers.

Now, the state of Missouri has concluded that an entire town could never orchestrate a lie so complex, with such commitment from elderly, middle-aged and younger citizens. By now, authorities say, someone would have come forward with the truth or would have broken down from intensive police questioning. So, the only alternative, according to experts, is that these people are telling the truth, and something has robbed hundreds of their memories and their lives.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.”
The taxi driver says “It’s not your fault sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver…I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”

JOKE #2

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them.

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, “Sisters, somehow I don’t think that’s going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!”

JOKE #3

A visitor to Texas once asked, “Does it ever rain out here?”

A rancher quickly answered, “Yes, it does.”

“When?” asked the visitor.

“Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?”

The visitor replied, “Yes, I’m familiar with Noah’s flood.”

“Well,” the rancher puffed up, “we got about half an inch that time.”

USELESS FACTS

Royal Caribbean has ordered a ship that fits 6400 passengers.  Some see inherent dangers in a cruise liner that big.  ***For one, Karaoke night will last that much longer.

Navel oranges got their name because the bottom of this type of orange resembles a belly button or navel. ***And if you poked at the navel, it made you need to pee.

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOLFING PASTORS

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, four pastors went out for some time on the golf course.  After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

“You guys wouldn’t be preachers by any chance?”

“Actually, yes, we are,” one pastor replied. “Why?”

“Because,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf played with such clean language!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A FIELD TRIP TO REMEMBER

Remember when you used to go on field trips in school? We never had an opportunity to really do any good on those field trips… just observe whatever it was that we were going to see. Not so for Jessica Webster! This High School senior learned a lot more than she expected during a recent field trip. Her Hallock, Minnesota, business-law class made a trip to the courthouse to learn about the legal system. They were there to see a trial — but Jessica ended up in the middle of one. It seems the jury pool was short a person and Jessica was drafted. She met the minimum requirement of being 18 and a county resident. Jessica was selected to sit on a six-person jury. The judge says she should get an “A” for doing her civic duty.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

ABC’s OF A FRUITFUL LIFE
A lways put God first in your life.
B e a true friend and you will have many friends.
C ount and thank God for your many blessings daily.
D iscipline yourself. Decide to make your life count.
E dify and encourage others consistently.
F ollow great leaders and then become one.
G ive liberally and joyfully of your time, talents and means.
H ave an attitude of gratitude.
I nvert any negatives thrown your way. Turn them into positives.
J ourney through life one step and one day at a time.
K eep written goals set ahead. Make specific plans to accomplish them.
L ove and forgive everybody.
M aximize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses.
N ever, never, never give up!
O pen the door wide when opportunity knocks.
P ractice patience. Promote peace.
Q uit bad habits by replacing them with good habits.
R ead God’s Word and other profitable material every chance you get.
S hare the Gospel whenever and wherever possible.
T ake time to appreciate everything and everyone God has given to you.
U se your God given common sense.
V isualize your dreams and stretch to reach for them.
W atch, listen and pray without ceasing.
X amine your motives on a regular basis.
Y ield to the Holy Spirit when He prompts you.
Z oom in on God’s real purpose for your life.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WALKING TALL

READ: Leviticus 26:3,12-16

I have broken the bands of your yoke and made you walk upright. —Leviticus 26:13

During my basic training in the Army, our drill sergeant worked hard week after week to transform us from a group of slouching civilians into a company of men who stood straight and walked tall. It was not an easy job. When he finally said, “You’re looking good!” we felt proud of who we were and how we had changed.

That experience came to mind when I read Leviticus 26:13, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, that you should not be their slaves; I have broken the bands of your yoke and made you walk upright.” After 400 years of slavery and hard labor, the people of Israel were burdened and discouraged. But under Moses, God led them out of bondage and put them on the road to a new life of freedom through obedience to Him.

It’s a vivid reminder of what God has done for us through Jesus Christ. Paul wrote: “Stand fast . . . in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage” (Galatians 5:1).

We don’t need to be bowed down with our sin. As we embrace the freedom of righteousness through faith in Jesus Christ, we can hold our heads high and keep walking tall. —David C. McCasland

May I stand firm, O God of truth,
For all that pleases Thee;
Undaunted by the critic’s frown,
Let nothing hinder me.  —Bosch

LEFTOVERS

ONE IF BY LAND…

The famous Old North Church, Boston’s 285-year-old beacon of the American Revolution, has just gone high-tech with the installation of LED lights! The energy-efficient lights now illuminate ceiling vaults inside the church, whose steeple was used by Paul Revere to display two lanterns as a signal about British troop movements on April 18, 1775- the night described in Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s famous poem, which included the line: “One if by land, and two if by sea.” Up until now, Old North has been dimly lit by old incandescent bulbs, which frequently burned out. The LEDs, on the other hand, are projected to last at least 25 times as longer and don’t give off as much heat as the older lights, which caused ceiling paint to peel prematurely. (AHN News) ***MARLAR: So now if we’re attacked by the British it’ll be one LED if by land, two LEDs if by sea.

LIFE… LIVE IT

INTEREST ON A WIDOWS MITE

It is estimated that if the widow’s mite had been deposited at the “First National Bank, Jerusalem” to draw four percent interest semi-annually, the fund today would total $4,800,000,000,000,000,000,000 (okay mathematicians–go figure!) If a bank on earth could multiply the widow’s mite to such an astronomical figure, think what treasures this dedicated woman will have in heaven where “moth and rust doth not corrupt!”

JUST FOR FUN

HAIR TODAY

If you’re going to be a barber – you’d better not mind having a lot of hair around you. That makes sense, right? But Bill Black takes his love of hair to a new – and eerie – extreme. A few years ago, Black attempted to make the world’s largest hair ball. Which is just a little odd. Then later, Bill sold fertilizer made from human hair. A very strange idea. Now comes an even scarier idea. A cookbook full of hair-based recipes. Yes, a cookbook with recipes that include hair!  ***MARLAR: And we won’t even discuss what’s in the angel hair pasta.

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU DON’T BELONG IN THE KITCHEN

  • Extra nacho cheese dip can be used to caulk the cracks in your foundation.

  • While making sure the spaghetti is done, you throw a piece against the wall, and the wall ducks.

  • Leftover milk doubles as cottage cheese.

  • The fish in the refrigerator is so old it actually begins to smell good!

  • The EPA won’t set foot in your home because they’re too nervous.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

It’s okay to tell your kids it’s okay to fail… okay?

Telling your kids that it’s okay to fail will actually make them fail less. Sounds reasonable, right? There’s new research to back it up. Here’s what researchers told one group of sixth graders: “Learning is difficult and failure is common, but practice will help, just like learning how to ride a bicycle.” Other groups got no such pep talk. Guess which group performed better on memory and reading comprehension tests? Yep, the kids that got the bicycle talk.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Is it bad to take a nap? If your boss has to shake you awake, then yes. But an occasional 20-minute nap to boost your productivity and put some pep in your step is perfectly fine. What’s not fine is being unable to get through the day without a siesta. “If you depend on your nap like a skydiver depends on a parachute, it means something is wrong,” says W. Christopher Winter, M.D., author of The Sleep Solution. If you’re so tired that naps “kidnap” you, then your nighttime sleep is either poor quality or insufficient. “Napping is like a multivitamin it should be a supplement, not a replacement,” Dr. Winter says. As for timing, try to do your snoozing before lunchtime. That way you augment your previous night’s sleep total instead of disrupting your upcoming night.

If this doesn’t make you buy a new toothbrush, nothing will. When you flush the toilet without first closing the lid, germy droplets of bacteria from the toilet are released into the air and will likely land on your toothbrush — and just about everything else in the bathroom, warns Donna Duberg, an assistant professor of clinical laboratory science at Saint Louis University in Missouri. We’re talking about a lot of bacteria. There are approximately 3 million bacteria per square inch in most toilet bowls. The toilet water aerosolizes with all that bacteria, spewing it 20 feet from the center of the flush. Translation: You’re brushing your teeth with toilet germs. What can you do? It’s simple. Close the toilet lid before flushing. if you leave your toothbrush out, rinse it in mouthwash or peroxide every day. Or, instead of leaving your toothbrush on the sink, store it in the medicine cabinet.

Having a feline friend is the cat’s meow when it comes to improving health, personal peace and raising kinder, gentler kids which could help explain why 33% of U.S. households have them. Research shows that caring for a kitty improves morale and encourages folks to take better care of themselves, according to Rebecca Johnson, director of the University of Missouri’s Research Center for Human Animal Interaction. While a dog can make you healthier by nagging you to go out for a brisk walk or gentle job, a purring cat can lower blood pressure and ease daily stress. And there are other benefits when it comes to the kids. “A dog will let you bang it on the head and still love you,” says Johnson. “A cat won’t do that. Children have to learn to be gentle with cats or the cat will go away.” The eye opening research has led more and more retirement communities to stock up on furry friends, proving they’re not merely considered good mousers and fun to watch they make excellent pets to promote well being.

How often should you wash jeans? Not often, it turns out. Laundering can make clothing deteriorate faster, particularly with cotton Microflora (i.e. bacteria) which can be transferred from skin to clothes. But Rachel McQueen, Ph.D., says not to worry about those microbes – the bulk of them came from your skin, so they’re not harmful. The worst side effect of not cleaning jeans is just odor, so use your nose to tell you when it’s time to toss them in the machine some people can go six months or more; others, a couple of weeks. When you’re between washing, hang them in your closet instead of in a storing them in a drawer, airing them out keeps mustiness at bay. (Women’s Health)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I arrived late today for work. So you’ll have to excuse me if I make up for it by leaving early.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MAY 12, 2017…

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword—Charlie Hunnam is getting away from “Sons of Anarchy” to go into England as Arthur. Yes, THE Arthur, who takes the famous sword from the stone and becomes ruler. Though, this Arthur was raised as a poor boy, robbed of his birthright, and has an attitude. Also in the cast are Jude Law and Eric Bana. No motorcycle in sight. “King Arthur: Legend of the Sword” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Snatched—This film is about a road trip. The special kind you take with your Mom to bond and really get to know each other. Then, there is the other kind of road trip where the daughter (Amy Schumer) is jilted and takes Mom (Goldie Hawn) with her only to find that things don’t exactly work out as planned. Also in the cast is Christopher Meloni. “Snatched” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Wall—Snipers afoot in this movie about military men being pinned down by someone and there is very little to hid behind. Stars John Cena and Aaron Taylor-Johnson. “The Wall” is rated R. No rating.

The Locksmith—A detective decides to go into the Deep South and try to solve a murder mystery. Trouble ahead, for sure. Stars Don Wallace and Sophie Scarf. “The Locksmith” is rated R. No rating.

MAY 19, 2017…

Alien: Covenant is a prequel to the original “Alien” film and what a colony ship finds on a new planet. Stars Michael Fassbinder.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul and a continuation of the adventures of being a pre-teen on a family road trip. Jason Drucker is the Kid.

Champion stars Gary Graham in a film about dirt track racing.

The Black Prince has Jason Flemyng as the last Punjab Ruler in India and he faces Queen Victoria.

Everything, Everything is a film about a girl with a rare disease who has to stay in her house. Stars Anika Nooni Rose.

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