***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! IT’S PART OF YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! Email me to get more information, FTP access and your free customized tag!)
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Here is today’s career tip for aspiring young radio DJs. Always start your show with a witty remark designed to make the audience laugh. A remark like the one I should have used here if I hadn’t wasted this time giving career tips to aspiring young DJs.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.” –Ecclesiastes 11:5 New International Version
May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. — Romans 15:5-6
The Lord’s message rang out from you not only in Macedonia and Achaia — your faith in God has become known everywhere. — 1 Thessalonians 1:8
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. — Ecclesiastes 5:2
Thought: Even in our sound-byte world, far too many words are spoken in pledge to God that go unfulfilled. Let’s thank him, praise him, and petition him. But let’s also realize that, while our prayers need to be persistent, our words don’t need to be elaborate or refined, just few in number.
Prayer: Almighty God, thank you that the Holy Spirit intercedes for me while I pray. Thank you that I don’t have to have articulate prayers to be heard. Thank you for not expecting grandiose promises from me. I come to you as your child, your humble servant who longs to live for you and praise you with all of my life. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Galatians 5:25 NIV = Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
TODAY IS THURSDAY – MAY 25, 2017
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 213 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
The GREAT AMERICAN GRUMP OUT is today. The idea is to try and go 24 hours without being grumpy or crabby. ***Now this day is just plain stupid. Only a loser would want to… oh… never mind.
Today is STAR WARS DAY. The original film opened in 32 theaters on this date in 1977.
Today is also TOWEL DAY. ***Fans of the book “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” already know the answer to the question: “Do you know where your towel is?” Mine is currently next my computer in my office.
To quote from “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”:
A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have. Partly it has great practical value – you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you – daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough. More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have “lost”. What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with.
TODAY IS ALSO…
Cookie Monster’s Birthday
National Missing Children’s Day
National Tap Dance Day
National Wine Day
Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day
Red Nose Day
Eat More Fruits & Vegetables Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
FRIDAY, MAY 26
National Chardonnay Day
National Paper Airplane Day
World Lindy Hop Day
Don’t Fry Day
Heat Awareness Day
National Polka Day
National Title Track Day
National Wig Out Day
SATURDAY, MAY 27
Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day (ARMAD)
Cellophane Tape Day
International Heritage Breeds Day
Julia Pierpont Day
SUNDAY, MAY 28
Menstrual Hygiene Day
National Hamburger Day
Sierra Club Day
Slugs Return From Capistrano Day
MONDAY, MAY 29
Learn About Composting Day
Prayer for Peace Memorial Day
International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers
Put A Pillow On Your Fridge Day
TUESDAY, MAY 30
Mint Julep Day
WEDNESDAY, MAY 31
National Senior Health & Fitness Day
What You Think Upon Grows Day
World MS Day (Multiple Sclerosis)
World No-Tobacco Day
THURSDAY, JUNE 01
Global Day of Parents
Heimlich Maneuver Day
National Dare Day
National Nailpolish Day
National Go Barefoot Day
National Olive Day
Oscar The Grouch Day
Say Something Nice Day
Stand For Children Day
ON THIS DAY
1935: Babe Ruth, playing for the Boston Braves, hit home runs 713 and 714 at Forbes Field in Pittsburgh, his final home runs. Pitcher Guy Bush served up both homers, but won the game 11-7.
1961: President John Kennedy asked the U.S. to work toward putting a man on the moon by the end of the decade. (audio clip)
1965: The fastest knockout in heavyweight title history occurred in Lewiston, Maine, when Cassius Clay KO’d Sonny Liston in 1:56 of the first round.
1968: The Rolling Stones released “Jumping Jack Flash.”
1968: St. Louis dedicated its trademark Gateway Arch, part of the city’s Jefferson National Expansion Memorial.
1969: The Hollies recorded “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother” with Elton John at piano.
1977: The movie “Star Wars” opened in U.S. movie theaters. It set a new box office record that stood until “Titanic” in 1999. Also on this day, in 1983 “The Return of the Jedi” opened, breaking box office records all over again. (audio clip)
1981: Daredevil Daniel Goodwin, wearing a “Spiderman” costume, scaled the outside of Chicago’s Sears Tower in 7½ hours. (audio clip)
1986: An estimated 7-million people joined hands to form a line they called “Hands Across America” to raise money for the nation’s homeless and hungry.
1988: Debbie Gibson’s “Foolish Beat” hit #1, making her the youngest artist, at age 17, to write, sing, and produce a #1 hit.
1990: Gary Stewart of Los Angeles set a Guinness world record by jumping 177,737 times on his pogo stick.
1991: Singer Randy Travis and Lib Hatcher were married.
1992: In Manilla, Pepsi announced that 349 was the winning $37,000-number that day in its “Number Fever” contest. Unfortunately, due to what Pepsi called a computer software glitch, 800,000 people had bottle caps with the winning number. In the resulting public relations nightmare, violence erupted as irate consumers attacked bottling plants and delivery trucks.
1992: Jay Leno became the new host of “The Tonight Show,” replacing Johnny Carson, who had hosted the late-night talk show for 29 years.
1993: The U.S. issued a patent (#5,213,234) to Ioannis Stefanopoulos of Arlington, Virginia, for his Moo Cream Pitcher, a cow-shaped pitcher that moos when it pours cream or milk.
1999: Harry Seager found a half-cent piece dated 1723 in front of the town’s 200-year-old town library. Greenfield, Massachusetts, was rebuilding Main Street and ripping up sidewalk sections that dated back a couple hundred years. Other treasure hunters found 18th and 19th century coins, brass buttons and a dozen led musket balls.
2006: Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling, former officers of Enron Corporation, were convicted in Houston federal court of conspiracy and securities fraud.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
735: Bede (“The Venerable”), father of English history, dies. In addition to his Ecclesiastical History of the English People (731), biographies of abbots, and Scripture commentaries, he wrote our primary source for the story of how Celtic and Roman Christianity clashed at the Synod of Whitby in 664.
1535: After holding Munster under siege for over a year, the army of the city’s Roman Catholic bishop breaks in, capturing and killing the radical Anabaptists who had taken control. The Anabaptists had acted on the prophecy of Melchoir Hoffman (later modified by Jan Matthys) that Christ would soon return, and only Christians in Munster would survive. During the siege, Matthys and his followers became increasingly despotic and maniacal, enjoying excesses while the people starved and introducing wild innovations such as polygamy.
1824: The Sunday and Adult Sunday School Union in Philadelphia establishes the American Sunday School Union. It purposed to use Sunday schools as a means to instill Christian and democratic values “wherever there is a population.” In 1970 it changed its name to the American Missionary Society.
1865: Evangelist and ecumenist John R. Mott is born in New York. He served 40 years with the Y.M.C.A. (while that organization was still aggressively evangelistic), chaired the 1910 Edinburgh Missionary Conference, and was named honorary president of the World Council of Churches at its inaugural session.
HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress-singer (Ruby Mendel on “Even Stevens”) Lauren Frost 32 (audio clip)
- Actor (Randy Meeks in the Scream movies, Son of the Mask) Jamie Kennedy, 47
- Actress (Wag the Dog, Volcano, Six Days Seven Nights) Anne Heche, 48
- Actor/writer (Shrek, Cat in the Hat, Wayne’s World, the Austin Powers movies) Mike Myers, 54
- actress (Pam Davidson Hinkley on TV’s “The Greatest American Hero”) Connie Selleca is 62 (audio clip)
- Muppeteer (voice of Yoda in Star Wars, Episodes 1-3, the Corrections Officer working the property desk in Blues Brothers – the warden in Blues Brothers 2000) Frank Oz 73
- actor (Lord of the Rings movies, X-Men movies) Sir Ian McKellen, 78
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1915 : Johnny Bond
1921 : Nelson Riddle
1934 : Pat Boone
1945 : Linda Scott
1947 : Ron Wood (The Rolling Stones, The Faces)
1950 : Charlene
1950 : Tom Robinson (Cafe Society)
1950 : Graham Russell (Air Supply)
1952 : John Ellis (The Vibrators)
1953 : Ronnie Dunn (Brooks & Dunn)
1958 : Barry Adamson (Magazine)
1959 : Alan Wilder (Depeche Mode)
1960 : Simon Gallup (The Cure)
1963 : Mike Joyce (The Smiths)
1967 : Roger Sanchez
1968 : Jason Donovan
1974 : Alanis Morissette
1996 : Damon Minchella (Ocean Colour Scene)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
What keeps the ice on a skating rink frozen?
The answer is a very efficient system because the ice, as you may have noticed, stays frozen even when the sun shines and the temperature borders on the balmy. The method they use to achieve this often has something in common with the process of producing pickles: brine. When you lace up and balance yourself on a blade, you are literally skating on thin ice–about two inches worth. That sits on top of a concrete base. Within the concrete are thin pipes, about an inch thick, through which flows brine at temperatures as low as –15 degrees F. or a similarly cold glycol solution (yes, that’s antifreeze!). The cold concrete keeps the ice frozen. It’s that simple. Isn’t that cool?
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
MercyMe will be on stage for the next nationwide Harvest broadcast. Greg Laurie posted: Mercyme will be with us on June 11 for Harvest America at the University of Phoenix stadium. Will you?
Danny Gokey is opening up his tour bus. Danny recently gave the Digital Tour buss organization a tour of his bus and now the video tour is available. Check out BUS INVADERS Episode 1134 at http://digtb.us/2rsLO4O
Michael Tait and Peter Furler recently sat down with CCM Magazine to talk about their new collaboration on the Newsboys song ”The Cross Has The Final Word.” Furler is a founding member of the Newsboys, providing their lead vocals until he stepped away from touring 2009. Michael Tait stepped in the spot and has been leading the band ever since. Hear their interview at http://ow.ly/wD1030bRRCC
Mathew West was on a special stage this week. He posted: Had a fun time singing at my kids’ school chapel service this morning. Hope I didn’t embarrass Lulu and Delaney too much!
A good response from the crowd when Jason Gray announced from the stage during a show this week that he stuttered. One man yelled back: “that’s OK, that means we get to hear you twice!”
Matthew West was showing off his song writing skills in the class room this week. Matthew roasted a tardy student in an amazing improv song about the student, named Jared, showing up late for class with a melted popsicle. Check out the popsicle song at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZR4VwiUg8Q – you might want to keep the audio for this one, you might get future requests for it!
A good question from Third Day member Mark Lee: What do you call it when you get a cold in late May? A warm? Whatever it’s called, I’ve got one and it is not fun.
Hannah Kerr continued her streak this week. She posted: my record of getting on the jumbotron at every Preds game continues. The Nashville Preditors NHL Hockey team came away with the victory, helping them to advance to the finals of the Stanley Cup Playoffs.
The bombing in Manchester this week hit home for worship leader Matt Redman. He posted: My wife Beth Redman spent some great years in Manchester and we have many close friends there. Sickened and saddened by the attack. Praying. https://twitter.com/matt_redman/status/866899179083243520/photo/1
The Billboard music Awards were announced earlier this week and Lauren Daigle came away with half of the awards for Christian music. She was named Top Christian Artist and her album “How Can It Be” was selected at the top Christian album. The Top Christian Song award went to Hillary Scott and The Scott Family for their song “Thy Will”. And Kirk Franklin was named the Top Gospel Artist.
(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
A suicidal man in Alaska ended up killing his girlfriend with the bullet he shot into his own head! Even more ironic – he lived! Now 21-year-old Victor Sibson is facing a second-degree murder charge over the suicide attempt which happened on April 19 in Anchorage. Prosecutors say the bullet Sibson fired traveled through his head and hit 22-year-old Brittany-Mae Haag in the armpit, striking her vital organs and fatally wounding her. In a court appearance Sunday, Victor said he couldn’t afford $250,000 bail and asked the judge: “Could we figure out if I’m guilty or not today?” ***Sounds like there might be a little brain damage there – or, maybe he just don’t care to live. I mean, the guy tried to commit suicide once – do you really think charging him with second-degree murder is going to give him reason not to do it again?
There’s apparently a live-action Pinocchio movie in the works. ***Would I lie to you about that?
A new dating app called Gatsby allows you to search through what’s available out there, while filtering out all those with a criminal record. ***Meaning this will be a complete flop in Washington D.C.
Katy Perry was offered $20 million to be a judge on the next version of “American Idol.” She said, ‘No, thanks.’ They said “How about $25 million?” Katy said, “OK!” ***Because you obviously can’t make ends meet on a paltry 20-million per year.
Kodak getting into the cell phone business. ***How cool will that be – KODAK! Your phone might be able to take pictures like a camera!
Apple is now more valuable than the city of Chicago. 40% more than the Windy City’s GDP. ***Then again, Apple isn’t continually creating regulations and raising taxes on businesses, giving them incentive to leave Apple so they can afford to stay in business.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Why do we keep going back and back and back to Facebook all day? Behavioral researchers (at the University of Innsbruck, in Austria) says it’s because we think we’ll enjoy it. They asked test participants to guess whether spending 20 minutes on Facebook would make them feel better or worse. Contrary to the findings of an earlier experiment, in which using Facebook put people in a worse mood, participants expected that using Facebook would make them feel better. ***So it’s exactly like going back to your old girlfriend. You think it’ll make you happy… but it actually makes you miserable.
Researchers (University College in London) say that eating seven servings of fruits and vegetables is healthier than five, which is the current recommendation. ***Gee, who’d a thunk it. Now pass the Kit Kats please.
Your brain works gooderer if you sleep a-lots enough. Scientists have now proven what college students, shift workers and parents know so well — the brain does not work properly after a sleepless night. California researchers confirmed this information while looking at ways to alleviate the effects of sleep deprivation and jet lag. They monitored brain activity to see how it compensates for lack of sleep. They found that the effects of sleep deprivation differed depending on what the brain was asked to do — the sleepy brain increases activity in certain regions if it has to deal with verbal problems but slows down for mathematical dilemmas. However sleeping during school or work doesn’t help the problem either. ***Lack of sleep equals lack of brain power? Boy, that explains a lot about my show, doesn’t it?
Japanese psychiatrist Makoto Natsume is warning that too much smiling can be dangerous for your mental health. Japanese employers demand that workers affix permanent smiles on their faces and even use video training to drill them into doing it unthinkingly. Dr. Natsume said he’s starting to see more and more patients who were shocked to find they can’t stop smiling, even when dealing with personal tragedies. He said that forcing people to suppress their emotions and smile constantly is threatening to spark a national epidemic of depression and mental illness. ***The good news: because of their smiles, nobody will ever know.
Nearly one-fifth of all Americans 12 years or older have hearing loss, a national survey shows, making the condition much more prevalent than previously thought. According to the study, the prevalence of hearing loss nearly doubled with every age decade, but women and blacks were less likely to have hearing loss at any age. ***At least, I THINK that’s what the study said – I couldn’t hear it very well.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, not only were the Cheetah Sisters no longer singing three-part-harmony, but nobody was singing or playing in harmony! Ever since Cheetah Bonita decided to go solo, everyone decided to go solo… and now there’s no more music in the jungle – it’s all just… well… NOISE!
CLOSE: Will Cheetah Bonita be able to run away from the squirrels? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Today’s Moment of Duh focus on a mom that was concerned about her daughter swallowing ants…
Recently, a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at a poison control center received a call from a woman that was very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The medical student quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
TOP TEN COMMANDMENTS FROM KIDS ABOUT THE SUBJECT OF LOVE
10. When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths. –Billy – age 4
9. Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. –Kari – age 5
8. Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs. –Chrissy – age 6
7. Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired. –Terri – age 4
6. Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him to make sure the taste is OK. –Danny – age 7
5. Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and my daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss. –Emily – age 8
4. Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. –Bobby – age 7
3. If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate. –Nikki – age 6
2. Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day. –Noelle – age 7
1. Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. –Tommy – age 6
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A robber’s love for alcohol, along with his dim wit, gets him caught by the police. That’s coming up in the files of Law and Disorder!
FILE #1: Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
FILE #2: Police report Christopher Hasty lost more than his pants while trying to run away. He also left his wallet behind. According to authorities in McMinnville, Tennessee, Hasty dropped his wallet while stealing stuff from cars. Officers say the wallet not only had his I-D, but his parole card, too. Residents of an apartment complex say Hasty’s baggy pants fell down while he tried to flee. Officers followed footprints and say they found him inside a nearby apartment. He now faces auto burglary and theft charges.
FILE #3: In Croatia an unidentified man handed the teller in a bank a holdup note. The quick thinking bank teller told the crook she couldn’t understand the note and could he please tell her what it said. When she kept asking him to repeat his demand he said it louder and louder until finally he lost his temper and shouted, “I have a bomb. Give me the money!” This attracted the attention of nearby security guards who wrestled him to the floor and held him until police arrived.
STRANGE LAW: In Stanfield, Oregon, animals can not reproduce within city limits.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Have to answer to police after being in a crash? No problem – blame the whole thing on your 4-year-old’s lousy driving!
Police in Pennsylvania said a man accused of drunken driving told them his 4-year-old son was at the wheel of his sport utility vehicle when it crashed into a tree. They said Albert Monroe Boyce Jr. (of Hyndman) told them his son, who was sitting on his lap, had turned the wheel too far to one side, sending the SUV careening off the road. So is the little boy going to jail? Not likely. Police said Boyce had an open 30-pack of Budweiser and a cooler in the vehicle when the crash occurred.
Today is Star Wars Day – so which movie is your favorite? Which character? And should George Lucas be sentenced to a lifetime in prison for creating Jar-Jar Binx? (audio clip)
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What Prophetess was the wife of Lapidoth?
ANSWER: Deborah (Judges 4:4)
QUESTION: What’s so special about the year 1864 when it comes to U.S. currency?
ANSWER: That’s the year the phrase “In God We Trust” first appeared on coins.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Starlet is TV-talk-show host Star Jones’s real first name. (True)
2. The length of your vocal cords determines the pitch of your voice. (True)
3. Pinto beans are used to prepare Boston Baked Beans. (False, Navy beans)
4. Arnold Schwarzenegger was the first private citizen in the U.S. to own a Hummer. (True)
5. Oscar Hammerstein II was the only person named Oscar to actually win an Oscar. (True)
6. The last Oldsmobile model to roll off the assembly line in 2004 was the Streamliner. (False, it was the Alero)
7. In fencing competition, a “barrage” is a tie-breaking bout – or fence-off. (True)
8. Arizona’s state’s flag has a Union Jack – the flag of Great Britain – in its upper left corner. (False, it’s Hawaii’s state flag that has the Great Britain flag in the corner – in honor of its history of friendly relations with the British)
9. Walt Disney sold his TV in order to purchase a one-way railroad ticket from Kansas City to California so he would begin his new career. (False, he sold his camera)
10. Scrooge McDuck was first introduced in the 1947 comic book “Christmas on Bear Mountain”. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
_______ MONSTER FOUND! (LOCH NESS)
The mystery of the Loch Ness monster has been… solved!
It is one of the greatest mysteries of the deep, and its legend has outfoxed score of investigators over the generations.
Stories, pictures and rumors about a monster living below the surface of Scotland’s deepest loch go back for decades.
But it is now hoped this grainy image of a long ‘serpent-like creature’ may finally unlock the mystery of the Loch Ness Monster.
The sonar picture, that shows a large unidentified living object deep underwater, was recorded by Loch Ness boat skipper Marcus Atkinson.
The mysterious being was recorded at a depth of 75ft in the murky water and measured nearly 5ft wide.
Mr. Atkinson’s sonar fish-finder device records the width of objects in the depths directly below his tourist boat every quarter of a second.
Image produced when his vessel was in the Loch’s Urquhart Bay showed a long moving object that had followed the boat for more than two minutes.
The consistent marks on Mr Atkinson’s sonar create a horizontal mass, which is not an indicator of length.
But excited Loch Ness monster experts have ruled out the ‘sighting’ being any other fish, seal or wood debris and believe it is proof of an unknown creature in the Loch.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”
My brother wants me to find him a summer job. He asked me to check with my boss, my friends, my business associates.
Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions Wanted section of the newspaper.
I asked him what he wanted to call himself in the ad.
He said, “A self-starter!”
The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. “What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” Her mother said.
“It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain!”
A nasal spray made from Atlantic Ocean seawater seams to ease cold and flu symptoms faster for children. In the twelve week test the noses of children given the seawater spray were less runny the second time they were checked. ***Their noses were less runny because they were caked with sea salt.
Wonder Woman creator William Moulton Marston was a psychologist and the inventor of the lie detector. ***It did not include a lasso though.
Jimmy was sent to prison for his crimes but he told the warden he wasn’t worried at all about serving his full term.
The warden asked him why, since most prisoners immediately start planning how they can get out early. Jimmy replied, “Well, my wife has never let me finish a sentence the whole time I’ve been married!”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
If you had to hire one of the seven dwarves, which would it be? If you were smart, you’d hire Grumpy!
It turns out that grumpy employees are the most creative problem-solvers, according to researchers from the Jesse H. Jones Graduate School of Management at Rice University in Houston. They say all those happy, cheerful employees that make the office an inviting and enjoyable place to work are so busy smiling that they often don’t see problems until there is a crisis. So why is a bad mood so productive? When someone is in a negative mood, he or she is usually quite motivated to get out of it. Solving a problem often does the trick.
. . . He was a murderer from the beginning and has always hated the truth. There is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44
Jesus described the devil as a murderer from the beginning of time, and this description also serves to illustrate the life of King Saul. When an evil spirit came upon Saul to possess him, he was overwhelmed with thoughts of envy and murder toward David. Time after time he tried to destroy David, even attempting to pin him to the wall with a spear (1 Samuel 18:10-11).
Satan is envious of believers because they have replaced him as worshipers and sons of God. His hatred for humankind knows no bounds. He always seeks “to steal and kill and destroy” (John 10:10), and He wants to destroy you! Jesus said that the devil is a liar and the father of lies. Saul lied to David and told him he wanted to give his older daughter Merab in marriage to him. In fact, he wanted David killed by the Philistines (1 Samuel 18:17). David’s innocence, however, was his protection. The Lord sent the Holy Spirit to knock to the ground the soldiers who chased David. Even Saul himself was knocked to the ground (19:23-24).
Let us rejoice that even though Satan attacks with lies and murderous intents, the Holy Spirit can render our enemies harmless. We will fulfill our purposes in God!
–By Larry Stockstill
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
WORDS THAT DEFILE
He who guards his mouth preserves his life, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction. —Proverbs 13:3
Recently I overheard an older woman speaking to a friend about the current obsession with dieting. “These days,” she mused, “I’m more concerned with what comes out of my mouth than what goes into it.” There’s a world of wisdom in those words.
Jesus put it this way: “Those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies. These are the things which defile a man” (Matthew 15:18-20).
What we say affects others. “There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword,” says Proverbs 12:18. But what we may overlook is the effect our reckless words have on us. When we gossip, or when we malign others, our words begin to ruin us, for we gratify the evil that is in us and strengthen it until it overthrows us.
On the contrary, when we guard our lips we strike a blow at this malevolence. “The tongue of the wise promotes health,” continues Proverbs 12:18. We protect our souls, for we weaken the very thing that lies in wait to ruin us.
Ask God to “set a guard” over your mouth and “keep watch over the door” of your lips (Psalm 141:3). Let your words promote life, not destruction. —David H. Roper
Guard well your lips, for none can know
What evils from the tongue may flow;
What guilt, what grief may be incurred
By one uncautious, evil word. —Elliott
A word from your mouth speaks volumes about your heart.
THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN
Feeling a bit claustrophobic at work? There’s good reason for that – it could be that your cubicle is shrinking!
According to a report in “Wired” magazine, the standard office cubicle has shrunk by as much as 50% in recent years, down to 30 square feet. The magazine also notes that by comparison, most coffins measure 15 square feet and the typical prison cell at San Quentin is a spacious 70 square feet. ***MARLAR: So working in a cubicle is worse than being in prison.
LIFE… LIVE IT
A GUIDE FOR COLLEGE FRESHMEN
Going off to college for the first time this year? Don’t take off yet… you’ll want to keep a few things in mind!
If this is your first year going off to college – away from your parents – here’s a few tips to make sure you don’t regret going to college.
- You can never have enough toilet paper. Hoard extra rolls whenever you can, but don’t tell anybody about it, not even your roommate.
- Leave the high school ring and the letterman’s jacket at home.
- Call your mom twice as often as you really want to.
- People who get treat packages from home and don’t share the goodies with their fellow dorm-dwellers are beneath contempt and fair game for serial pranksterism.
- Tattoos of school mascots? If you have to do it, avoid all four cheeks.
- Don’t bring your stereo with you unless you won’t be bothered when something gets spilled on it. And then again… and then again.
- Even if you’re not a sports fan, go to at least one big game your freshman year.
- Don’t download term papers from the Internet. Sure, it’s easy to Google around and find complete term papers on a myriad subjects — but it’s just as easy for instructors to see if your work matches anything floating around in cyberspace.
- Nobody cares if you cut class. This ain’t high school. If you don’t go to class, it just means that you (or your parents) are paying major dough for you to sleep in. Think about how stupid THAT is.
- Something else that is stupid is not going to church. Just because you’re away from Mom and Dad does not mean you should stop doing those things that are good for you. College is going to be a very challenging part of your life – and having God there with you the entire time, leaning on His wisdom, seeking His guidance, and relying on His strength is going to make your experience that much more fulfilling.
- Don’t kid yourself. That Monday-Wednesday-Friday class that starts at 8 a.m. is a bad idea.
JUST FOR FUN
YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY MEDICINE
If given a choice, would you rather get a shot to take medication, or would you rather get the medication by eating a baked potato? In the near future that might be a choice you’ll need to make!
What would you rather do: get a shot with a needle or eat a potato? Pretty simple choice, huh? Scientists at Cornell University have developed a potato that when eaten will ultimately convey immunity to the Norwalk virus, the most common form of food poisoning in the United States. The potatoes are genetically manipulated, producing protein fragments of the virus that the immune system will recognize and respond to when the real virus enters the body. There is no difference in taste or culinary characteristics between the modified potato and the common potato. Scientists say that in the future, vaccines may be delivered via plants instead of needles. Current work is underway to create potato-based vaccines for the human papilloma virus, which causes cervical cancer, hepatitis B bacteria, and a form of the E-Coli bacteria. The hepatitis B potato vaccine is already being tested. ***MARLAR: So now even doctors might ask “Would you like fries with that?” Pass the potato chips — I’m not feeling so well!
GRADUATION DOs AND DON’Ts…
DO wear your graduation gown proudly to graduation. DON’T wear it the next day to your fast food job.
DO toss your graduation cap in the air at the end of the ceremony. DON’T shoot it out of the air with that pistol you sneaked into school all year.
DO bring your diploma to your job interview the next day. DON’T bring your nose ring.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Daydreaming might mean you’re smarter than others around you!
A new study seems to think people that have wandering minds actually have sharper brains. The research found that those who appear to be constantly distracted have more “working memory” giving them the ability to do two things at the same time. So the next time your boss wakes you up from a good daydream during a meeting, tell him you’re sharpening your “working memory.”
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
A Baptist mother of two has filed religious discrimination and retaliation charges against a school system that threatened to fire her for privately telling a coworker she’d pray for him. The coworker, a fellow member of a Baptist church in Augusta, thanked her for her prayers. But Four days later, the school told Richardson in a coaching memorandum that “she could not use ‘phrases that integrate public and private belief systems’ while at school,” and threatened her with discipline or termination. http://ow.ly/7ClW30bY4y4
A sheriff in Montgomery County, Virginia has been ordered to remove decals from all police vehicles which read “Blessed are the peacemakers.” The county’s board of supervisors decided to take the advice of their attorney and order the sheriff of Montgomery county to remove all the decals from police vehicles. http://dlvr.it/PChsX9
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito has told graduates at an historic Roman Catholic seminary that freedom of religion and freedom of speech are under threat in the United States. Alito made the remarks during Wednesday’s graduation ceremony at the Saint Charles Borromeo Seminary near Wynnewood, Pennsylvania. He warned that the increasing impulse to ban speech some people might find offensive is challenging religious liberty. http://www.breakingchristiannews.com/articles/display_art.html?ID=21418
An off-site Bible class has been cancelled in Michigan after a parent of a student issued a complaint. Fox News reports that about 100 of the 400 children at Daisy Brook Elementary School in Fremont, Michigan attended the Bible classes which were optional and required parental approval, and which were held during lunch hour. How do you complain if it’s optional and requires a parent’s permission? http://dlvr.it/PCfPQD
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Clio Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MAY 19, 2017…
Alien: Covenant—This is a prequel to “Prometheus” and is about a colony ship called Covenant that ends up on a new planet to live on, but discovers something truly horrible. The universe is not kind with its distant life forms. The cast includes Michael Fassbinder, Noomi Repace, Katherine Waterston, Guy Pearce and James Franco. “Alien: Covenant” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul—The Kid (Jason Drucker) and his brother, Rodnick (Charley Wright) go with their parents (Alicia Silverstone and Tom Everett Scott) on a road trip to visit relatives. Yawn, what is thought by the kids to be snooze time turns into something rather funny. “Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans of the books and films.
Champion—This film about dirt racing stars Gary Graham and Andrew Cheney. It is a story of competition between two men and an accident that changes everything. Faith Renee Kennedy is also in the cast. “Champion” is rated PG. No rating.
The Black Prince (opening in select cities)— Jason Flemyng plays the last great ruler of India, the Punjab and realizes that the British Empire is there to stay, so what to do? Alexa Morden plays young Queen Victoria. “The Black Prince“ is rated PG 13. No rating.
Everything, Everything—A young girl is born with a disease that means she must stay inside during her lifetime. Oh, what to do? One thing is to watch the new neighbors next door and perhaps, a budding romance? Stars Anika Nooni Rose.
MAY 26, 2017…
Bay Watch stars Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron and need I write more?
Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales and this one stars Johnny Depp. Again—need I write more?
Drone has Sean Bean as a military drone operator who faces consequences.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.