October 26, 2017: Thursday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20171026
PDF: 20171026

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Honestly, my listeners are so marvelous to me, sometimes I feel really unworthy of being so wonderful.

Forecast for today’s show: partly comedy with widely scattered corn and a severe disc jockey itch.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. — Psalm 37:5

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. –1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. — Psalm 27:14

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Woe to those who make unjust laws, to those who issue oppressive decrees, to deprive the poor of their rights and withhold justice from the oppressed of my people, making widows their prey and robbing the fatherless. –Isaiah 10:1-2

Thought: God wants us to be a generous and concerned people. We are not to be concerned about our “stuff” but the work of God and the needs of others, especially those who are powerless and can’t defend themselves.

Prayer: O Father of the fatherless, please increase my compassion and commitment to work for those who are forgotten, abused, disenfranchised, and pushed aside. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Corinthians 10:26 NIV = for, “The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it.”

TODAY IS THURSDAY – OCTOBER 26, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
61 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is ST. ELSEWHERE DAY, marking the premier of the TV show on this day in 1982. ***I was never a fan, and I was kinda glad it eventually went elsewhere. (audio clip)

Today is NATIONAL MINCEMEAT PIE DAY and it’s also MULE DAY. ***Just don’t get the two confused. The last thing I want is someone to surprise me with a mule meat pie.

Today is WORKAHOLIC STOP AND SMELL SOMETHING DAY, a day for workaholics to consider what they might be missing.  ***Like mule meat pie…

Today is NATIONAL PUMPKIN DAY. So how about a little pumpkin trivia?

Pumpkins were once recommended for?

  1. Cleaning horses

  2. Treating acne

  3. Removing freckles and curing snakebites ***

  4. Curing impotence

Some Indians used pumpkins as?

  1. Doormats ***

  2. Masks

  3. Birthing aids

  4. Skin cream

Indians used pumpkin seeds for?

  1. Medicine ***

  2. Facial masks

  3. Birth control

  4. False teeth

Pumpkins originated in?

  1. Cuba

  2. Central America ***

  3. Ecuador

  4. San Pedro

TODAY IS ALSO…

Howl at The Moon Night
Mule Day (Historical, not celebration. Honors the importation of the first Spanish Jacks to the US which were a gift from King Charles III of Spain delivered October 26, 1785 in Boston.George Washington then began breeding them in the US. For the celebration, go to March 31 or Columbia, TN )
National Day of The Deployed

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27

Black Cat Day
Cranky Co-workers Day
Frankenstein Friday
International Bandanna Day
National Breadstix (Bread Sticks) Day
Navy Day
World Day for Audiovisual Heritage

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28

Champagne Day
Make A Difference Day
National Chocolate Day
Pit Bull Awareness Day
St. Jude’s Day

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29

Internet Day
National Cat Day
Reformation Sunday
Visit A Cemetery Day
World Psoriasis Day

MONDAY, OCTOBER 30

Checklist Day
Create A Great Funeral Day
Devil’s Night or Mischief Night
Haunted Refrigerator Night
National Candy Corn Day
National Publicist Day
Speak Up For Service Day
World Audio Drama Day

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 31

Beggars’ Night
Books For Treats Day
Day of the Seven Billion
Girl Scout Founder’s Day
Halloween or All Hallows Eve
Magic Day
National Caramel Apple Day
National Knock-Knock Jokes Day
National Magic Day
National UNICEF Day
Samhain
World Cities Day

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 01

All Saints’ Day
Autistic Speaking Day
Birth of Baha’U’Llah
Birth of The Bab
Hockey Mask Day
Dia de Los Muertos (Day of The Dead)
Extra Mile Day
Give Up Your Shoulds Day
International Stress Awareness Day
National Authors’ Day
National Calzone Day
National Family Caregiver Day
National Family Literacy Day
National Go Cook For Your Pets Day
Stress Awareness Day
Prime Meridian Day
World Vegan Day

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 02

All Souls Day
Cookie Monster Birthday
International Day to End Impunity for Crimes Against Journalists
National Men Make Dinner Day (Must Cook. No BBQ Allowed!)
National Traffic Professionals Day
Plan Your Epitaph Day

ON THIS DAY

1881: In the “Gunfight at the OK Corral” in Tombstone, Arizona, Wyatt Earp, his two brothers, and “Doc” Holliday shot it out with Ike Clanton’s gang. Three members of Clanton’s gang were killed; Earp’s brothers were wounded.

1984: In Loma Linda, California, a baboon’s heart was transplanted into “Baby Fae,” a newborn with a severe heart defect. Baby Fae lived 21 days with her experimental animal heart.

1991: A Key West, Florida, man, convicted of violating a noise ordinance by playing his jazz records too loud, was sentenced to two hours listening to 101 Strings.

1997: St. Vincent’s Hospital in Green Bay, Wisconsin, issued an SOS after five babies were born and they ran out of green and gold Green Bay Packer caps and booties. Volunteer knitters rushed in to keep newborns warm in Packer colors, including even Packer blankets and quilts.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1779: Anglican clergyman and hymn writer John Newton wrote in a letter: ‘The Lord is so rich that He easily can — so good that He certainly will — give His children more than He will ever take away.

1813: Birth of Henry T. Smart, English sacred organist. Though largely self-taught, Smart published many compositions, two of which are still popular as hymn tunes: LANCASHIRE (“Lead On, O King Eternal”) and REGENT SQUARE (“Angels From the Realms of Glory”).

1889: Birth of Millar Burrows, American archaeologist. Director of the American School of Oriental Research at Jerusalem 1931-32, 1947-48), Burrows’ most popular published work was “What Mean These Stones?” (1941).

1948: The Pentecostal Fellowship of North America was organized at Des Moines, Iowa. The association is comprised of 24 Pentecostal groups and meets annually to promote unity among Pentecostal Christians.

1963: One month before his death at age 65, English apologist C.S. Lewis wrote in a letter addressed to a child: ‘If you continue to love Jesus, nothing much can go wrong with you, and I hope you may always do so.’

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • Actor (Wesley/Dread Pirate Roberts in The Princess Bride, Kiss The Girls, SAW, FBI Assistant Director Brad Follmer on “The X-Files”) Cary Elwes, 55 (audio clip)

  • actor Dylan McDermott (In The Line of Fire, Runaway Jury, “Dark Blue”, Bobby Donnell on “The Practice”) 56 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Jingle All The Way, Runaway Bride, Sleepless In Seattle) Rita Wilson, 59

  • Actress (“The Love Boat’s” cruise director Julie McCoy) Lauren Tewes, 63 (audio clip)

  • Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton 70

  • actress (“Charlie’s Angels’” Kelly Garrett) Jaclyn Smith, 70 (audio clip)

  • Game show host (“Wheel of Fortune”) Pat Sajak, 71 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1685 : Domenico Scarlatti

1911 : Mahalia Jackson

1913 : Charlie Barnet

1929 : Neal Mathews (Jordanaires)

1944 : Alan Henderson (Them)

1944 : Michael Piano (The Sandpipers)

1946 : Keith Hopwood (Herman’s Hermits)

1951 : Bootsy Collins

1952 : David Was (Was (Not Was))

1953 : Keith Strickland (The B-52’s)

1958 : Simon Lebon (Duran Duran)

1963 : Natalie Merchant

1967 : Keith Urban

1978 : Mark Barry (BBMak)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

What was Chef Boyardee’s real name?

His real name is Chef Boyardee. Well, sort of. There is a Chef Boyardee, although his name is not spelled that way. Hector Boiardi, an Italian immigrant, came to the United States in 1914 when he was only 17. Upon his arrival, he immediately got a job as a chef at New York’s Plaza Hotel, where his brother worked as a waiter. After moving to Cleveland, he perfected his spaghetti and meatball recipe in 1929. His customers kept asking for bottles of his pasta sauce so they could have it at home, and he obliged. He then added cheeses and pasta to the sauce. The results were so popular that he started to sell the products in area stores, and later in stores outside the area.

Why do we vote on a Tuesday?

Have you ever wondered why we vote on Tuesdays? Well, here is your answer. Years ago most residents of rural America had to travel a significant distance to the county seat in order to vote, Monday was not considered reasonable since many people would need to begin travel on Sunday. This would, of course, have conflicted with Church services and Sunday worship. Why the first Tuesday after the first Monday? Lawmakers wanted to prevent Election Day from falling on the first of November for two reasons. First, November 1st is All Saints Day, a Holy Day of Obligation for Roman Catholics. Second, most merchants were in the habit of doing their books from the preceding month on the 1st. Apparently, Congress was worried that the economic success or failure of the previous month might prove an undue influence on the vote! Now you know.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A legislator in Maryland is proposing a return to the death penalty using heroin and fentanyl.  ***Let that be a lesson to you heroin users.  They’re actually talking about using the stuff you are addicted to, to execute prisoners.  Maybe the stuff isn’t all that good for you.

“Star Trek: Discovery” has be renewed for another season beginning in January, 2018 on CBS All Access.  ***They had to renew the series because they didn’t have enough episodes in the first season to fit in all of the f-bombs they planned on using.

It’s now Snoop Dogg — game show host! He’s hosting a revival of the old TV game show, “Joker’s Wild” on TBS Tuesday nights.  ***The original “Joker’s Wild” looked a bit fuzzy due to the broadcasting technology of the day.  The new “Joker’s Wild” will look hazy due to the smoke from Snoop’s dressing room wafting in.

At Pittsburgh County jail in McAlester, Oklahoma, 32-year-old inmate Dustin Lance made the mistake of taking a pill he got from another inmate. The result was a 91-hour erection that left him in what he called “unbearable pain.” Making things worse, Lance said when he asked for medical help, he was mocked by jail staff who denied him any treatment. So now Lance is suing stating that staff should have known that an erection lasting so long should be a cause for concern. Lance was jailed on December 15 last year for burglary and possession of a controlled dangerous substance. Sheriff Chris Morris has been named as one of the defendants-but says he only heard about the incident when the lawsuit was filed. The lawsuit says by the time Lance was finally treated, he had already suffered permanent damage. He’s seeking $5 million in damages. ***Well here’s an idea – how about you NOT take mystery pills from complete strangers who happen to be inmates in jail with you.

Amazon Wine is going away at the end of the year. The Whole Foods purchase made it no longer necessary.  ***Well, nuts.  And I finally came up with the perfect line for it… “Amazon – we will serve no wine before its Prime.”

Ready or not, here it comes: Blue Bell has announced the return of their Christmas Cookies Ice Cream.  ***That’s right – they found the driest, blandest cookies they could find and made an ice cream flavor out of it.

The Air Force says it’s going to put its nuclear bombers on 24-hour ready alert for the first time since the end of the Cold War.  ***Kim Jong Un is creating U.S. jobs!  Thanks, Kim!

In Canada, doctors are baffled over a 21-year-old Italian woman suffering from a “most unusual” case of bleeding from her face and palms, a condition she’s had for three years. The very rare condition is called hematohidrosis – in which blood is excreted or sweated out through pores or unbroken skin. The patient tends to break out in the bloody sweating when she’s either asleep or doing something physical, and the condition seems to get worse when she’s stressed. An episode can last up to five minutes. The poor woman’s condition is so bad she’s become “socially isolated” and showed depression and panic disorder symptoms. Although it’s still not known what spurs such bleeding, different theories have emerged, including blood coagulation disorders or an overactive nervous system that reacts when a patient is under stress.  ***And you’re going to get stressed out even more when you realize you’re sweating blood!  The good news is, you’ll be a huge hit on Halloween!

In Hawaii, they’re having to lock up Spam because of people stealing it.  ***So Spam now has a black market?  Isn’t that one of the signs of the upcoming Apocalypse?

The NBA has fined Phoenix Suns rookie forward Josh Jackson $35,000 for making a hand gesture toward a fan that appeared to mimic pulling a trigger.  ***Meanwhile, children making a gun with their fingers are getting away scot-free.

Sears is cutting its ties with Whirlpool and will no longer sell their appliances.  ***In response, Whirlpool said, “Sears – you mean those guys are still in business?”

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Deer collision season is back. State transportation officials are warning drivers again that the height of deer’s mating season is October and November.  ***Sounds like “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” should actually be a Halloween song.

Apparently there is a fast-growing market for positive pregnancy tests on the Internet. Some girls want to give their boyfriends a friendly little nudge into popping the question, it would seem. ***Now THERE is a sign of a healthy relationship!

A UK study finds that people lie about how much alcohol that they drink. ***Then again, maybe they just can’t remember.

A recent report shows that the number of full-time journalists on the Capitol beat is down 40 percent since 2003.  ***It’s a crisis. In some places, Politicians are having to resort to parroting their own talking points.

A bus driver in China has been fined for posting insulting signs on the backs of seats. His signs read: “Please do not spit and litter … violators are as bad as pigs and dogs.”  *** How are those signs insulting UNLESS you spit or litter?  At which point, why would we care if you’re insulted?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were tired of paying tolls to Gruffy just so they could use the main path through the jungle. So they decided to build their own path, with no tolls. This meant Gruffy wasn’t getting anyone walking past his cave anymore… so he decided to make his path toll free too…

CLOSE: That’s kind of sad. The main thing Gruffy liked about the location of his cave was that everyone used to pass by every day, and now no one ever passes his cave. Will he sell his cave and relocate just to see his friends? Will he build a bigger and better path to attract his friends? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
(2017) Authorities in Australia say they’re “gobsmacked” by the sheer stupidity of a group of men seen swimming up to a crocodile trap in Queensland – and then getting inside the thing with the bait! The idiots were spotted getting into the mouth of the trap at the Port Douglas marina, close to where a crocodile is suspected of killing an elderly dementia patient earlier this month. The local mayor, Julia Leu, said, “This is incredibly stupid and dangerous behavior. I’m wondering if these fellows are vying for the idiots of the year award or the idiots of the century award.” Queensland Environment Minister Steven Miles said, “I’ve seen some pretty ridiculous things in my time as environment minister, particularly when it comes to crocodiles, but this one takes the cake,” noting that the traps are dangerous even without the crocodiles they’re designed to attract.

TOP TEN
SIGNS YOU ARE BETWEEN BABY BOOMER AND GENERATION X

10. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.

9. You remember the premier of MTV–or worse yet, you remember its predecessor, “Friday Night Videos.”

8. You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you (The WAYBACK seat).

6. You remember trying to guess which episode of “The Brady Bunch” it was by the first scene.

7. You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or–worst of all–what Sheriff Roscoe’s full name was.

5. You’ve ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.

4. You learned to swim at about the same time “Jaws” came out….and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.

3. You actually believed that Mikey–famed kid on the Life cereal commercials–died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.

2. Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.

1. The only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it. (

)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A well-planned robbery does not a successful robbery make!

FILE #1: In Romania, a gang of robbers broke into a bank’s headquarters in a daring overnight raid. Daring, yes, well planned, no. Had they done their homework, the three criminals would have known the bank was moving to a new location and the building was empty.

FILE #2: When all else fails, blame your lawyer. That was the philosophy of Philip Butler who was found guilty of bribery. The problem is that Butler was his own lawyer, representing himself! The West Palm Beach, Florida, defense attorney was charged with taking more than $500,000 in bribes from a family he was representing. Unfortunately, he did a lousy job of representing himself and lost the case. But ever the lawyer, he decided to appeal the decision by blaming his lawyer, arguing that he failed to tell himself about the danger of waiving competent counsel. ***MARLAR: You have to admit that he has a point – he’s obviously proven that he’s incompetent! Maybe he can bribe himself to stay out of jail!

FILE #3: Frank Jones’ mother obviously taught him to never talk with his mouth full. Ordinarily that would be good advice, except when you’ve stuffed your mouth full of marijuana after being pulled over by the cops. In an effort to hide his stash, Frank crammed all his dope into his mouth as the officers were walking to the car. The officer noticed the smell of marijuana, saw Frank’s bulging cheeks, and busted him without Frank ever saying a word.

STRANGE LAW: If a man is wearing a striped suit, you cannot throw a knife at him in Natoma, Kansas.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A West Virginia man once again confirmed that criminals are their own worst enemies.

The man was arrested for stealing a VCR, but said he was innocent. In court he pleaded, “I plead not guilty Judge, honestly, I didn’t steal the VCR. He gave it to me because he owed me for drugs.” The good news for the man was that he was not arrested for stealing the VCR. The bad news for him (and good news for everyone else) is that he now faces felony charges for possessing and selling drugs.

PHONER PHUN

You get a knock on the door at five in the morning from the fire department telling you to get out. You got the family and the pets out, the house is on fire, you have time to go grab one more thing: what do you grab?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Where is the swimmer’s breaststroke mentioned in the Bible?

ANSWER: Isaiah (“As he that swimmeth spreadeth forth his hands to swim” – Isaiah 25)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How long did the shortest war in history last?

ANSWER: The war between England and Zanzibar in 1896 lasted only 38 minutes. Zanzibar surrendered 38 minutes after England attacked.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. There are approximately ten million bricks in the Empire State Building. (True)

2. Lightning travels slower than the speed of light. (True – the lightning that we see actually goes from the ground to the sky in what is known as the “return stroke” at 1/3 the speed of light. We can’t see the initial “stepped leader” that passes from the sky to the ground.)

3. From space, the brightest man-made place is Disneyland in Anaheim, California. (False – it’s Las Vegas, Nevada)

4. Elephants truly are afraid of mice. (False – in fact, go to any zoo and chances are that the mice are living in the same quarters as the elephants. The mice eat the grain and nest in the hay that is so common to elephant habitats.)

5. The Carpenters signature song, “We’ve Only Just Begun” was written for a TV commercial. (True – it was originally part of a television commercial for a California bank. The music played in the background of a scene in which a newlywed couple had, of course, just begun their lives together. Richard Carpenter saw the commercial and sculpted it into the classic song that we know today.)

6. Actress Cheryl Ladd started her career as one of Josie and the Pussycats. (True – she was the singing voice of the character Melody on the 1970’s cartoon.)

7. Ostriches bury their heads in the sand. (False. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of eighty years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand, or even attempted to do so.)

8. Contrary to popular belief, no alligators have ever been found in the New York City sewer system. (False – one alligator was found. The 125 pound alligator was pulled out by four boys way back in 1935.)

9. The movie “The Sound of Music” had all of the music cut out in Korea. (True. A South Korean movie theater owner decided that the movie The Sound of Music was too long. His solution was to shorten the movie by cutting out all of the musical scenes!)

10. The phrase “Often a bridesmaid but never a bride” actually comes from an advertisement for Listerine mouthwash. (True! The text was written by Milton Feasley and first appeared in 1925. The advertisement was so successful that it ran for more than ten years.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

__________ SPOTTED IN BRAZIL (ALIENS)

BRAZIL –  Aliens from Planet Zeeba were spotted walking in the Amazon jungle.

There were numerous reports of aliens spotted in the jungles of Brazil.   Several of the aliens were caught on camera by two British tourists visiting the Mamaus region of the Amazon.

Standing just a few feet from a mesmerizing flashing light, were several children of the Amazon.

As biologically diverse as the Amazon is, scientists could not identify the creature and it did not appear to be a natural inhabitant of the Brazilian jungle or, Earth.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”

“How did you know that?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.

JOKE #2

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

“Please dear, I need help.” she said.

The husband ran off saying “I’ll go get some help.”

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, “I may be dying and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you.”

“The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???”

“I told you not to worry,” he said, practice stroking his putt …..”Everyone’s already agreed to let him play through.”

JOKE #3

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR DAUGHTER HAS STARTED DATING FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER

  • Switched her entire home to battery-powered candles
  • Has started wearing her hair up and added grey streaks
  • Uses the word “Woof” alot
  • Thinks stitches are attractive
  • She’s always whistling “Puttin’ on the Ritz” (
    )

USELESS FACTS

People who sleep late have more mental stamina and can outperform early risers.  ***Which means I’m only at my peak on Saturdays and Sundays.

The worst thing you can eat is any food loaded with saturated fat, or in other words, anything good. Even occasional treats like this are enough to diminish your body’s ability to defend itself against heart disease according to researchers at the University of Sydney in Australia.  ***A report from the Department of Joy Removal.

FEATURED FUNNIES

HALLOWEEN LESSONS LEARNED AT THE MOVIES

  • When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.

  • If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

  • Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

  • Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

  • If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

  • Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

  • If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

  • When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.

  • Do not take anything from the dead.

  • As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

  • Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

  • Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

  • Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

  • If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

  • If you’re searching for something that caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

  • If you find a town that looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

WHAT DID YOU LEARN AT SCHOOL TODAY?

Aaron Lawton, 11, said he thought his teacher was just kidding when he told him, “If you miss an assignment, the whole class gets to deck you.”

But a month later, when the Franklin Township, N.J., sixth-grader was late on a homework assignment, math teacher Maxie Rivers allegedly lined up the students and had them take turns hitting him. “Some of the punches were hard, some were soft and some were in between,” the boy said. Rivers’ attorney said the beating was “light-hearted” and that the kids only “tapped him kiddingly,” but a doctor found multiple bruises. Hillcrest School officials suspended the teacher with pay while they investigate the incident.  ***MARLAR: That must’ve been the School of Hard Knocks.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

PRAYER EXPERIMENT

A doctor has found that people that are prayed for do better at getting pregnant.

Dr. Rogerio Lobo, chairman of the ob-gyn department at Columbia Medical School, told reporters in October that he almost withheld publishing some of his most recent findings because they were so improbable. His team found that random groups of South Korean women had almost double the success rate with in-vitro fertilization if they had been prayed for by a group of Americans than if they hadn’t been. Dr. Lobo said there was probably some variable he had not accounted for, but he could not imagine what it might be. ***MARLAR: Hmmm… let me think… could that variable be… GOD?

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

ARE YOU WEARY?

Since we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we do not lose heart. –2 Corinthians 4:1

I read a story about a pastor of a small, rural church in Scotland. He had been forced out by his elders, who claimed they saw no fruit from his ministry. The village in which the pastor served was a difficult place. People’s hearts were cold and hostile to the truth.

During the time the pastor served, there had been no conversions and no baptisms. But he did recall one positive response to his preaching.

When the offering plate was passed during a service, a young boy placed the plate on the floor, stood up, and stepped into it. When asked to explain, he replied that he had been deeply touched by the minister’s life, and while he had no money to give he wanted to give himself wholly to God.

The boy who stepped into the plate was Bobby Moffat, who in 1817 became a pioneer missionary to South Africa. He was greatly used of God to touch many lives. And it all started with that small church and the faithful work of that unappreciated pastor.

Perhaps you see no fruit from your work for the Lord. Remain faithful! Do not lose heart, but ask God to strengthen you with His power (2 Corinthians 4:1,7). In His time and in His way, He will produce a harvest if you do not give up (Galatians 6:9). —David Roper

LEFTOVERS

LADIES & GERMS

Cold and flu season is here. Take this quiz to see how “germ-free” you are:

  • You use public restrooms. – 3 points

  • You wash your hands afterwards + 3 points

  • You open the door with your bare hand – 3 points (That is where the germs are)

  • You open the door with the paper towel you dried with then toss it. +3 points

  • Given the choice of a row of stalls you take the farthest from the door. – 3 points (that is the germiest)

  • You use the stall closest to the door. +3 points (That is the cleanest)

  • You wash your hands for at least 10 seconds under running water. -3 points

  • You wash your hands for at least 20 seconds. +3 points (minimum time under running water to kill germs)

  • You use hot water while washing your hands. -3! Points (Hot water will cause you to wash for a shorter duration, and only boiling water kills germs)

  • Showering after a workout at the gym you wear flips flops or shower shoes. +3 points

  • You do not wear shower shoes or flip flops. -3 points (Bad germs there… bad)

  • You friend brings over his new dog and he gives you a big lick / kiss. -3 points (The myth of the dogs tongue being cleaner than ours is well. A myth!)

  • You fend off the dogs kiss and settle for a pat on the head. +3 points (Statistically the dogs head has the least germs. It is the only part of his body he can’t lick!)

Your score means?

  • If you scored in the negative numbers you should head to the closest decontamination shower immediately!

  • If you scored in the positive numbers you are fairly clean and worthy of a hug!  But make sure the person you hug scored in the positive numbers first, otherwise -3!

LIFE… LIVE IT

TRICK OR TREATING SAFETY

Halloween is right around the corner! Whether you celebrate it or not, here are some safety-tips for trick-or-treaters and their parents.  The American Red Cross is offering parents some basic safety tips to enjoy a safe Halloween.

  • Always walk on the sidewalk: never in the street
  • Only cross the street at the corners
  • Don’t hide behind or cross the street between parked cars.
  • Wear light colored or reflective-type clothing to be more visible; consider using reflective tape.
  • Plan your trick-or-treat route and share it with your family
  • Have an adult escort
  • Carry a flashlight
  • Stay away from open flames and candles; many costumes can be extremely flammable
  • Only visit homes that are well-lit
  • Don’t enter a stranger’s home; accept treats at the door.
  • Use face paint for costumes rather than masks or other items that may inhibit vision
  • Be cautious of animals and stranger; dogs, cats and other animals may be startled by children in costume.
  • Have an adult inspect all treats before eating; do not eat any item if the package has been opened.

JUST FOR FUN

PLAYING COPS AND ROBBERS

A man from Germany managed to fool his wife for the past seven years on what he did for a living.

…since 1993, the man told his wife that he was a police officer, meanwhile he really worked as a railway worker. The 38-year-old man left the house each morning wearing full uniform and returned to tell his wife about cases he had worked on. He told his wife eight years ago that he was studying to be an officer. He spent long nights at home studying law until he came home proudly sporting a uniform a year later. The train worker was not satisfied just to have his wife and friends think he was a police officer. He even convinced the police in town that he was an officer from another force and was allowed to accompany a traffic patrol for a day. His deception was only discovered when he was admitted to the hospital after developing a blood clot. Police are now considering charging him with impersonating a police officer. ***MARLAR: That’s strange – when our family and friends are around my wife tells me to say I do something else for a living too.

FUN LIST

TOP FICTIONAL PRESIDENTS

A third presidential candidate has been named by the American people in a vote for Favorite On-Screen President on blockbuster.com. President David Palmer of the series “24,” played by Dennis Haysbert, was chosen in the online survey as the fantasy pick for a 2008 write-in candidate. The popular votes for best on-screen president to put on the real 2008 ballot went to:

1. President David Palmer, “24” (Dennis Haysbert) 17%

2. President Mackenzie Allen, “Commander in Chief” (Geena Davis) 16%

3. President Josiah Bartlet, “West Wing” (Martin Sheen) 16%

4. President James Marshall, “Air Force One” (Harrison Ford) 12%

5. President Thomas J. Whitmore, “Independence Day” (Bill Pullman) 12%

6. President Andrew Shepherd, “The American President” (Michael Douglas) 8%

7. President Mays Gilliam, “Head of State” (Chris Rock) 8%

8. President Tom Beck, “Deep Impact” (Morgan Freeman) 7%

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

YOUR EVIL HOME DESTROYS PHONES

Your house is a hungry smartphone monster. It turns out 51% of accidents that ruin a cell phone happen inside the home. The top five danger zones for your phone…

1. Kitchen

2. Living Room

3. Bathroom

4. Driveway

5. Bedroom

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(SAME AS YESTERDAY)

Foursquare data reveals the most popular fast-food chain in every state — and America has a clear winner. To determine the most popular fast-food chain in each state, Foursquare looked at which chains received the most visits on average per location in every state based on the total number of visits to each chain divided by the number of locations in that state. Chick-fil-A dominates, which isn’t surprising — the fried-chicken chain generates more revenue per restaurant than any other fast-food chain in the US.
http://fb.me/3nGs3wlld

How would you like to work for royalty in England?  Well, dedicated royal watchers, it’s time to brush up your resume! The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, along with Prince Harry, are in need of a senior communications officer, according to an official job listing. The position is a temporary, but it involves daily management of “news flow to the media, communicating with audiences via traditional, digital and social media.” The royals are looking for someone to take the “lead on communications plans and the delivery of engagements and overseas tours.” Applicants must have extensive experience in the field and the “ability to handle sensitive information with tact and discretion” is a must.
http://on.today.com/2gTQIoA

As if jumping into a pile of leaves wasn’t fun enough, now a website called Cash 4 Leaves actually wants to pay you for collecting them. They’re apparently dishing out $1 for a maple leaf. However, before you start sending in your whole backyard pile, it’s worth noting that Cash 4 Leaves is not looking for any old run-of-the-mill maple leaves. If you want to make some easy money from fall foliage, those leaves have to meet some pretty specific requirements.
http://www.womansworld.com/posts/cash-4-leaves-144827

The Neiman Marcus Christmas book that just hit households this week and suggests gifting trips exceeding $100,000 and a designer fridge that will set you back $50,000. Other items in the catalog include a private flight and photo session with photographer Gray Malin is available for $35,000, going on a trip to Africa to make a one-of-a-kind piece of jewelry with acclaimed designer Stephen Webster for $300,000, and matching limited-edition Rolls Royce cars for just under $1,000,000.
http://peoplem.ag/9uk1LHT

Students at an East Texas high school have responded to an atheist group’s demands that the school remove a Christian flag by bringing their own Christian flags to fly on school grounds. Many in the community of Larue, Texas, are speaking out against the nation’s leading secularist legal organization, Freedom From Religion Foundation, after it sent a letter to the Superintendent James Young of LaPoynor Independent School District on Oct. 11 to demand that LaPoynor High School stop flying a Christian flag alongside the United States and Texas flags in front of the school. Local news station KETK reported that a small group of students responded to FFRF’s demands by flying three large Christian flags from the back of pickup trucks parked in the school’s parking lot on Wednesday.
http://fb.me/3pWJD4rhq

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(SAME AS YESTERDAY)

When 87-year-old Marie Boyer fell inside her home, she thought she would die.  After slipping and falling, Marie found herself helpless on the floor of her home, unable to get back up. The doors and windows in her house were closed, so Marie’s calls for help went unheard.  For four whole days, Marie lay on the floor of her home. She was falling in and out of consciousness, dehydrated, and slowly dying.  Marie says, “I remember thinking to myself, I didn’t wanna die that way.”  Nobody heard her screams for help — but her mail carrier, Lisa Sweeney, did notice something was off at Marie’s house.  Lisa had been Marie’s mail carrier for 13 years, so she knew Marie’s habits very well. When Lisa realized that Marie’s mail and garbage were piling up in front of her home, her gut told her to call 911.  Lisa says, “I decided I should call 911. I mean, I didn’t know, but my heart told me she was inside.”  Thanks to Lisa’s call, the FDNY and NYPD broke into Marie’s home — and found her clinging to life on the floor. Lisa burst into tears when she learned that Marie was alive.  Now, Lisa and Marie have a stronger bond than ever.

Check out the video at https://www.littlethings.com/mail-carrier-saves-marie/

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(2017) Maybe you’ve heard of the bizarre obsession some seem to have with McDonald’s elusive Szechuan sauce. Just last week the burger giant managed to outrage boatloads of “Rick and Morty” fans by not having enough Szechuan sauce during a special promotion. But Rachel Marie of Macomb, Michigan not only managed to snag one of only 20 packets of the super rare sauce, but she then parlayed it into a car. The 23-year-old graphic designer is a huge fan of “Rick And Morty,” which featured the condiment as a key plot device in the Season 3 premiere, which aired in April. In the episode, series lead Rick Sanchez declares it his life mission to get the sauce, which was made in 1998 to promote the Disney animated feature “Mulan.” Since then, fans have craved the sauce. Marie drove 45 minutes to Detroit early in the morning and waited hours until the sauces became available around 2 p.m. She said, “By the time that happened, there were hundreds of people waiting. The line snaked around the building.” Marie then wanted to know just how valuable her packet of sauce was and set out to find a person willing to trade the single Szechuan sauce for a car. Then it happened, somebody traded her a 2000 Volkswagen Golf Mk4 for her coveted packet. Marie said, “He drove the car over so I know it was running.” Amazingly, both parties called it the deal of a lifetime. (Huffington Post)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Whoever says “money can’t buy you happiness” should turn over their savings to me, then step back and be prepared to stand corrected! –Todd Loushine

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

OCTOBER 20, 2017…

Geostorm—So global warming is causing storms that go from average-bad to terrible-bad-and-above. Weather people have to make up new terminology to keep track of these storms whether they be blizzards, tornados, typhoons, monsoons or hurricanes. Especially hurricanes in this year, as one after another breeds off the coast of Africa and comes hunting across the Atlantic Ocean for Puerto Rico or Haiti or Mexico, Texas, Florida and you name it. It is as though the southern part of the North American continent is fair game. “Geostorm” tells such a story of massive storms, triple tornadoes and the like, but is global warming always the cause?  Could there be something else lurking behind this, a master plan that is designed for something entirely different? This is what Gerard Butler is finding out as he is one person to go into space to photograph Earth images, finds satellites designed to do something else, and then gets quite a view of what is happening below. The special effects people have a ball here. Makes the term “Tornado Alley” sound calm. Also in the cast are Abbie Cornish, Daniel Wu, Ed Harris and Andy Garcia (always good to see him on screen.) “Geostorm” is rated R, and fasten your seat belt. Rating of 3 for fans.

1922 (opening in select cities)—Oh, what a tangled web life can sometimes be.  In this thriller, starring Thomas Jane, a farmer wants to murder someone and tries to get his son to help him. Money is involved, of course.  Also in the cast are Molly Parker and Neal McDonough (“Arrow”). “1922” is rated R. No rating.

Leatherface—There is much secrecy concerning the exact plot of  “Leatherface” that is supposed to be a prequel to the character in the “Texas Chainsaw” films of several years ago. Will we know how the person became “Leatherface?” After the first film, it took many years before fans could eat chili again. The film concerns a kidnapped policeman (Stephen Dorff) and a woman (Vanessa Grasse.) “Leatherface” is rated R and is an adult film. No rating.

Wonderstruck—Stay on your toes here, there are two stories going on. One is about a girl running away from home in 1927 and the other is about a boy running away from home in 1977.  Hmm. The girl really wants to find a woman she is star struck about and the boy wants to find his father. The cast has Oakes Fegley,  Julianne Moore, Michelle Williams and Tom Noonan. “Wonderstruck” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! A Madea Halloween—It wouldn’t be Halloween without Tyler Perry getting into costume with his character of Madea, the family member who irritates everyone. This plot is a continuation of  “Boo!” and in that one, Madea driving the old car was enough to give anyone nightmares.  Perry’s character has a built-in audience. Also in the cast are Cassi David, Patrick Lovely and Yousef Erakat.  “Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! A Madea Halloween” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

The Snowman—Imagine, doing a movie role and not having read the novels from which the character has come. Michael Fassbinder is a fast learner and he is doing the role of Harry Hole (pronounced hoh-lee), as created by Norwegian author Jo Nesbo. In this film, there is a killer who strikes on the first snowfall, hence the name. The cast also includes Rebecca Ferguson, Val Kilmer and Charlotte Gainsbourg. “The Snowman” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Only The Brave—This is the true story of the Hotshot Firefighters in Arizona who braved a massive forest fire in the Yarnell Hills, only to have tragedy within their own company. A forest fire is also a wildfire, and difficult to control. Just as policemen and firemen where there is danger and everyone else leaves—they enter. Stars of the film include Josh Brolin, Miles Teller, Jeff Bridges and Taylor Kitsch. “Only The Brave” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

OCTOBER 27, 2017…

Suburbicon has Matt Damon battling a home invasion.

Thank You For Your Service stars Miles Teller as a soldier coming back from war.

The Killing Of The Sacred Deer has Colin Farrell as a doctor married to Nicole Kidman.

The Square stars Elizabeth Moss (“The Handmaid’s Tale”) in a satire.

Professor Marston And The Wonder Woman is about the creator of the character of “Wonder Woman.” Stars Luke Evans.

Jigsaw and he’s back…..well, maybe.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.