September 01, 2017: Friday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170901
PDF: 20170901

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This is the (JOCK) Show. The radio program 95% of dentists listen to while they sharpen their drills

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“A man’s pride will bring him low, but the humble in spirit will retain honor.” –Proverbs 29:23

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. –Romans 12:10

There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. — Galatians 3:28

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. — Philippians 4:12

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

And they did not do as we expected, but they gave themselves first to the Lord and then to us in keeping with God’s will. — 2 Corinthians 8:5

Thought: Paul was surprised at the Macedonians’ generosity to the Lord’s work for two reasons. First, they were very impoverished and didn’t have much to share. Second, rather than viewing what they had as their own, they gave themselves to God and then to his servants who were asking for their help in ministering to others. Their example is a great reminder to us of how we need to approach our giving to help others in need.

Prayer: O Righteous Father and Holy God, forgive me for being selfish with the funds you have so richly shared with me. I want to give my heart and my life to you fully, not holding back anything from your will, and I ask you to help me know how to best use the blessings you have entrusted to me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Psalm 9:1 NIV = I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – SEPTEMBER 01, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
114 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is SING A SILLY SONG IN BED DAY.  ***You can’t get up until you do!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Bring Your Manners To Work Day
Building and Code Staff Appreciation Day
Calendar Adjustment Day
Chicken Boy’s Day
Eid-Al-Adha
Emma M. Nutt Day
International Day of Awareness for the Dolphins of Taiji
National College Colors Day
National Lazy Mom’s Day
National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day
Random Acts of Kindness Day or Be Kind Day
Save Japan’s Dolphins Day
Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 02

Bacon Day
Bison-ten Yell Day
Cow Chip Throwing days
Franchise Appreciation Day
National Buffalo Chicken Wings Days
National No Patrick Day
National Tailgating Day
National Writing Date Day
V-J Day
World Beard Day

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 03

Bowling League Day

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 04

Labor Day
Great Bathtub Race
National Wildlife Day
Newspaper Carrier Day

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 05

Newspaper Carrier Day
Another Look Unlimited Day
Be Late For Something Day
International Day of Charity
Jury Rights Day

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 06

(None Today)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 07

Google Commemoration (Founded)   Day
Grandma Moses Day
National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day
“Neither Snow nor Rain” Day
Salami Day

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 08

International Literacy Day
National Ampersand Day
National Dog Walker Appreciation Day
Pardon Day
Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurses Day
Stand Up To Cancer Day
Virgin Mary Day (birthday)
World Physical Therapy Day

ON THIS DAY

1878: Emma M. Nutt became the first female telephone operator in the U.S., for the Telephone Dispatch Company of Boston.

1905: King Zog became the first king of Albania.

1933: Harold Jenkins was born in Friars Point, Mississippi. As Conway Twitty he had 54 #1 pop and country songs. He died in 1993.

1945: RKO sold rights to the movie script “The Greatest Gift” to Frank Capra for $10-thousand. Capra turned it into a film called “It’s A Wonderful Life.”

1949: “Martin Kane, Private Eye” debuted on NBC-TV.

1956: Elvis Presley gave his mother a Cadillac—a pink Cadillac.

1979: A Los Angeles court ordered actor Clayton Moore to stop wearing his Lone Ranger mask. (audio clip)

1981: Goodman Music Company of Dallas offered a free shotgun with the purchase of any organ or piano.

1985: The wreck of the luxury liner Titanic, sunk by an iceberg in 1912, was found by French and American scientists 370 miles south of Newfoundland.

1992: Whittle Communications’ Special Report magazine published results of an extensive burglar survey that showed 32% of burglars like to browse through family photos while on the job, 27% raid the refrigerator, and 7% watch TV.

1993: In Munich, Germany, a burglar returned a violin to its owner with a note that it was out of tune. The 300-year-old violin was worth $80-thousand.

1998: Vancouver police announced that a weekend radar trap had caught 12 rollerbladers barreling along at 12 to 15 miles an hour in a 9-mile-an-hour zone. Police set up the speed trap after pedestrians complained about unsafe skating.

2002: Actress Sarah Michelle Geller married her “Scooby-Doo” co-star Freddie Prinze Jr. in Mexico.

2004: Sexual assault charges against pro basketball star Kobe Bryant were dropped at the request of the prosecution after the alleged victim refused to testify.

2005: A Silicon Valley computer engineer who lost his job because he ate two pieces of pepperoni pizza left over from a company meeting won a free Caribbean cruise for winning an Internet contest that solicited stories about outrageous firings. Jim Garrison’s story was chosen from more than a thousand entries.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

(None today)

BIRTHDAY RAP-UP

  • actor (“Felicity”, Underworld, XXX: State of the Union) Scott Speedman 42 (audio clip)

  • TV talker Dr. Phil 65

  • actress/comedianc (Nine to Five, The Incredible Shrinking Woman, “The West Wing”) Lily Tomlin 78 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1927 : Tommy Evans (The Drifters)

1931 : Boxcar Willie

1935 : Conway Twitty

1940 : Dave White (Danny and the Juniors)

1941 : Roy Head

1941 : Diane Ray

1944 : Archie Bell

1946 : Greg Errico (Sly and the Family Stone)

1947 : Barry Gibb (The Bee Gees)

1949 : Russ Field (Showaddywaddy)

1950 : Peter Hewson (Chicory Tip)

1957 : Gloria Estefan

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

What’s the difference between a comet and a meteor?

Both have provided end of the world scenarios for science fiction films as a big rock plummets out of the heavens to smash shopping malls, fast food stands, used car lots and other artifacts of advanced civilization. In reality, comets, like planets, orbit the Sun. They consist of solid matter and ice and have a tail when they pass near the Sun. Comets are heralded and hyped way in advance of their arrival but often prove to be as vivid and exciting as a cloudy day. Meteors are pieces of solid material that have broken away from some heavenly body. Rather than orbit permanently they streak toward the Earth, burning up as they hit the atmosphere. An enormous one landing in the ocean and changing Earth’s climate may have led to the extinction of dinosaurs. It certainly spoiled the weekend.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends.)

In Great Falls, Montana, a woman called 9-1-1 to complain about the quality of the meth she had just purchased. ***This is your brain on drugs – any questions?

There’s a furniture store and a bowling alley in Houston that have opened their doors to flood victims. ***New sofas, beds, recliners, a snack bar, and a working bowling alley?  With free accommodations like that people might start praying for another hurricane.

They were digging on the site of the new police and fire station in the town of Thornton, Colorado, when they uncovered a triceratops skeleton.  ***Geologists say the skeleton is almost as old as the former police and fire station they’re trying to replace.

The University of Tampa has fired a professor who suggested in a tweet that Hurricane Harvey hit Texas because the state voted G.O.P.  ***This even worse than it sounds.  Not only is he saying that Texas is being punished for voting Republican – you can only conclude then that all hurricanes are staunch Democrats.  Personally, I see that as a reason not to vote Democrat – but that’s just me.

A woman in Southern California was about to eat an organic salad recently when she found a tiny frog in the salad. She explains: “I’m halfway through my salad and as I’m going to stab another bit, I see [the frog] peeking out from under the salad. I jumped back. I screamed: ‘There’s a frog in my salad!’” So the woman and her husband put the amphibian in an old aquarium in their home and named it “Lucky.”  ***Good name.  Lucky for you that you didn’t swallow him, lucky for him you didn’t stab him with a fork.  Maybe not so lucky for the company you can now sue because they sold you lettuce with a frog living in it.

A woman who was arrested for throwing a cup of urine on a Washington, DC, bus driver says she was angry the driver told her to have a nice day, but in a sarcastic tone. She adds: “I was provoked. I hate the Metro.”  ***I’m not buying this for a moment.  She had no idea the guy was going to say “have a nice day” before she boarded the bus – but in order to throw a cup of pee on the driver, she had to already have had it.  Who walks around with a cup of urine just waiting to be offended by something?

A university freshman had a lot to celebrate after riding 2672 miles across China for the start of the new semester. He finished the trip in 22 days.  ***I’ve heard of guy biking to school from home – but I think 2,672 miles might be a bit too much if he’s planning to live at home to save money on rent.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends.)

A recent study finds that bilinguals have faster brains. ***Oh great, now they’ve got TWO things to brag about constantly.

A recent study estimates 30 out of every (m) million 100-dollar bills is a fake. So to overcome those increasingly creative counterfeiters, the National Research Council has some suggestions.  They’re calling on the government to use plastic for low-denomination notes. They also recommend using complex starburst patterns that copiers can’t reproduce.  Other ideas include using inks that change color according to temperature, and varying the feel of the paper or other material that notes are printed on.  The Council’s report warns that within ten years, even low-skill amateurs will be able to duplicate almost any two-dimensional image.  ***Just like Hollywood!

1 out of every 10 photographs ever taken in human history were taken in the last 12 months.  ***Most of which are selfies and food pics.

If you think that eating a little bag of potato chips every day won’t hurt you, think again. According to a British report, eating a bag of potato chips every day is like drinking almost five liters of cooking oil every year. However, the snack food industry is disputing the claim. They say the study over estimates the oil content by basing the calculations on large bags of potato chips.  ***Well you can’t just stop at one bag of chips.  No one can eat just one!  No one can!

A recent report shows that a new billionaire is created in China every week.  ***So, both capitalism AND communism create income inequality.  What’s your NEXT play, liberals?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard had tried everything he could think of to beat Steve Mozart. Composing music, building a sandcastle, a bridge, a boat… and nothing worked. Steve Mozart kept beating Millard to the punch, doing things faster and better. But Millard hasn’t given up yet!

CLOSE: Talk about adding insult to injury! Now not only can Millard not beat Steve Mozart at anything, but now Steve Mozart had to be called in to save Millard’s life? How will Millard ever be able to deal with this? Tune in next time for more of our story, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Where is the worst place to lock yourself out of your room?  How about at 30,000 feet!

The pilot of a Canadian airliner who went to the washroom during a flight found himself locked out of the cockpit, forcing the crew to remove the door from its hinges to let him back in. The airline says that with 30 minutes of the flight to go, the pilot went to the washroom, leaving the first officer in charge. But when he tried to get back into the cockpit, the door would not open. For about 10 minutes passengers saw the pilot bang on the door and communicating with the cockpit though an internal telephone. An airline spokesman said that at no time was the plane or passengers in danger.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS TO SAVE ELECTRICITY

10. Heat your house by importing hot air from Hawaii.

 9. Finally Take down all the Christmas lights.

 8. Breed millions of lightning bugs in your home.

 7. Keep one eye closed indoors. That way, you use less light.

 6. Ban the Electric Slide from all future parties.

 5. Train your roaches to scatter when the lights go off.

 4. Clap Off!

 3. Wind-up space heaters.

 2. Shower with your clothes on. Clean body and clean laundry at the same time!!!

 1. Ziplock baggies!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man gets shot with a shotgun for playing his radio too loud!

FILE #1: An 80-year-old Toledo woman has been booked for unloading a shotgun on a man playing his radio too loud. Lillie Clouse is sitting in a Toledo jail cell for shooting at the man after he refused to lower the volume on his car stereo outside her home. Errant pellets from the 12-gauge round hit two children, but since the shotgun was purchased in 1959, as were the shells, they didn’t have the power to penetrate the children’s clothes. The intended victim was not hit. Lillie has been booked on charges of felonious assault and is being held without bail.

FILE #2: A 2002 ruling by the Oregon Supreme Court had a major impact on police for some time.  You see, the court had ruled that all lawyers, including prosecutors, must obey the state bar association’s nearly absolute prohibitions against deceit. What this meant was, law enforcement could not engage in “undercover” and “sting” operations (which involved tricking suspects).  So child pornographers were getting away with their crimes because prosecutors and police couldn’t pretend to be underage online to get the pedophiles. Fortunately, things have changed.

FILE #3: Rafael Morgan was test driving a Porsche when he was pulled over by the cops and ticketed for doing 60 in a 35 zone. When he returned to the dealership, he quickly sped away as soon as the salesperson got out of the car. It wasn’t that difficult for the cops to track the guy down, after all he had just given the officer his address when he was ticketed. The cops just drove to his home and found the Porsche outside and Rafael inside. It was when the cops arrested him that Rafael gave the REALLY dumb criminal excuse… he told them he didn’t steal the car, he just drove it home to see if it would fit into his garage. ***MARLAR: To which they responded, “Hey, we’re not arresting you… we just want to see if your wrists can fit into these handcuffs.”

STRANGE LAW: In Minneapolis, Minnesota, double-parkers can be put on a chain gang.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Apparently, even second-hand pot smoke can affect your thinking.

This has got to be embarrassing for the NYPD. Four New York City police officers were called to an apartment house in the Bronx concerning a landlord-tenant dispute. However they became distracted by a teenager in the hallway smoking a joint so they started to chase him. That’s when a pit bull jumped out of nowhere and attacked the officers. And that’s when the gunfire broke out. 26 bullets later, we had one dead dog, one bitten officer, and three other officers wounded from each other’s gunshots.

PHONER PHUN

Men’s Health asked about corporal punishment:

  • Do you approve of spanking as a form of discipline for children? 82% said yes, 18% said no.

  • Do you, or will you, use corporal punishment on your kids? 73% said yes, 27% said no.

  • Were you spanked or physically disciplined as a child? 91% said yes, only 9% said no.

  • Is it acceptable to use an object, paddle, ruler, belt, to administer corporal punishment? 39% said yes, 61% said no.

  • Do you think any form of physical discipline beyond spanking qualifies as child abuse? 67% said yes, 33% said no.

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who commanded the sun to stand still?

ANSWER: Joshua 10:12

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What is a misomaniac?

ANSWER: A misomaniac is someone who hates everything.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The heel of a sock is called the “gore.” (True)

2. A group of jellyfish is called a “colony”. (False – a “smack.”)

3. None of the passengers of the Mayflower had middle names. (True)

4. Benjamin Franklin gave harp lessons. (False – guitar lessons)

5. A gozzard is a person who owns geese. (True)

6. A warthog only has four warts. (True — all of them on its head.)

7. Poison oak and poison ivy are members of the sunflower family. (False – the cashew family)

8. The first man to die during construction of the Hoover Dam was the father of the last man to die during its construction. (True)

9. Christopher Columbus was a redhead. (False – blonde)

10. Figs are the sweetest of all fruits. (True – they have a a 55% sugar content. The flower of the fig is inside the fruit, so there are no blossoms on fig trees. Sort of like an inside out strawberry.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ SPOTTED IN CANADA! (BIGFOOT)

Hikers in the Canadian wilderness found.. Bigfoot!

Bigfoot appeared to the men while they where hiking in the deep wilderness.  Bigfoot appeared covered in thick black hair and was seen lumbering across the mountain top.  The sighting has sparked excitement among Bigfoot fans.

In the footage the figure walks from the trees into the open, pausing briefly before disappearing back into the trees.

It remains unclear exactly where the video was shot but it is believed to have been filmed on a trail near Mission, in British Columbia.

The footage has been viewed thousands of times on YouTube with believers claiming it is evidence that the ape-like creature, known as sasquatch, actually exists.

Scientists have dismissed the Bigfoot theory, claiming it is a mixture of a hoax, folklore and incorrect identification. But Bigfoot experts have dismissed scientists as a bunch of “close-minded, eggheaded fools.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer.

All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cuts them off.

In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.

They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, “What do you want people to say at your funeral?

“I want them to say, ‘She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients,'” responded the doctor.

The teacher said, “I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, ‘He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'”

Then the lawyer said, “I’d like people to say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’

JOKE #2

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.'”

JOKE #3

At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.

“What’s it cure?” asks a member of the audience.

“Nothing we don’t already have a drug for,” the internist replies.

“Well, what’s so miraculous about it?”

“One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times.

USELESS FACTS

A Malaysian man was a bit suspicious after he received his latest telephone bill and it seemed a bit steep. He could be correct, since the bill totaled $218 TRILLION. ***That’s why you should only call people in your Top Five Friends plan.

Doctors in Mongolia are baffled by a 19-year-old girl who has been eating mud every day for 12 years but is perfectly healthy.  ***If swallowing mud were bad for you, I would’ve been dead long ago from drinking the radio station’s coffee.

FEATURED FUNNIES

There were 3 young kids who noticed that a fire truck that was passing by with it’s sirens sounding. On the front seat was a dog. Of course, they had their own explanations for this.

Little girl, “The dog is there to keep the people away from the fire while the firemen put the fire out.”

Another little girl, “No, the dog is there to give the firemen good luck.”

And last but not least a little boy firmly ended the discussion by saying, “No, no, no!!! The dog is needed to find the hydrant!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

BANK HUSTLE

Think you’re too smart to be hustled on the street? Think again! One bank chairman got hustled on the street losing his ATM card in front of his own bank!

You have millions of dollars. You are the chairman of one of Europe’s largest banks. You’ve heard it all when it comes to people ripping off the bank and its customers… so you’re an unlikely target of hustlers aren’t you? Hardly. Sir George Mathewson, chairman of the Royal Bank of Scotland was robbed at one of his own automatic teller machines after falling for a cheap street hustle. He was drawing some cash from a central London machine when two con men approached him from behind. They carefully noted his personal ID number and waited for the machine to spit out his card, before tapping him on the shoulder to tell him he had dropped a five-pound note (which is about $7.07). Sir George’s natural inclination was to bend down to pick up the supposedly dropped money, and that’s when his assailants reached over to grab the bank card and ran off. Fortunately, the bank chairman was unhurt, and the robbers didn’t get any of his money because he called the police immediately and canceled his card. ***MARLAR: If a bank chairman can get hustled, what chance does a DJ with a “C-” average from high school have?  I might as well just hand over my ATM card to the next person I see…

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE BIBLE IN 50 WORDS
God made

Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Jacob fooled
Joseph ruled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Matthew 7: 13-14. Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is easy, that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard, that leads to life, and those who find it are few.
Has the philosophy of “Peace at any price” entered into your family, invaded your church? Does the Bible say, “Narrow is the way that leads to destruction?” No! Narrow is the way that leads to life, and very few ever find it.
Do you understand that the person of Satan will always be standing as your accuser? He will attempt to bring doubt to your minds and timidity to your heart. He will intentionally bring up issues to divide the Body of Christ, i.e.… the death penalty, the authority of women in the church, the homosexual issue, should a divorced person be an elder or be allowed to remarry…etc.

For many of you, the answers to some of these issues seem obvious, but in truth, the Body of Christ is dividing over these issues, and for that matter, for reasons of far less significance.
Is it possible that God allows these issues into our lives in order to bring us to our knees? Why are we so despondent in seeking His supernatural wisdom and spiritual discernment? Isn’t it our duty to lift our heads out of the confusion of earth, long enough, to hear the solution of heaven?
Shouldn’t we be seeking His wisdom with the fear and love for Him to whom we all must eventually give an answer?

LEFTOVERS

HAIR OF THE DOG

While some people have pet dogs that fetch their slippers for them, you can now have slippers that are actually made of dogs!

Deborah Sergesketter has made slippers woven out of dog hair! She spent a year collecting eight bags of hair from Riley and Rio, her golden retrievers, after she found out a woman could spin it into yarn and then knit it into slippers. Rosemary Edmiston washed the dogs’ hair, then teased, carded and combed it before using her spinning wheel to turn it into yarn. They charge $50 per pair. ***MARLAR: They’re the only slippers that fetch themselves.

LIFE… LIVE IT

REJUVANATION

Do you feel tired every afternoon? Experts say you can beat afternoon fatigue by doing simple exercises that pep you up by relieving muscle tension.

Psychotherapist Jaqueline Ferguson suggests these exercises.

  • Head rolls: While you are seated comfortably, gently drop your head to your chest, then slowly rotate your chin to right shoulder and back to your chest five times. Then do five head rolls to your left side. Repeat three times for a total of fifteen head rolls on each side. This takes 30 seconds and relieves neck tension.

  • Shoulder shrugs: While still seated, gently raise youe right shoulder to your head six times. The repeat with your left shoulder. Then rotate your right shoulder front to back three times. Do the same with your left shoulder. This takes 30 seconds and relieves shoulder muscle tension.

  • Waist bends: While seated, let your chin touch your chest. With arms hanging at your sides, bend from the waist as far as you comfortably can. Repeat six times.

JUST FOR FUN

SCHOOL SNOOZE

Too tired to get up for class?  Wouldn’t it be great if you could just show up whenever you wanted?

Norway is introducing late opening schools for ‘lazy pupils’ who want to sleep in until the afternoon. The City Council of Oslo, Norway, is offering students aged 16 to 18 ‘late starts’ at certain schools. They will start classes after noon. School officials think pupils will do better academically if they are not forced to work while still half asleep in the mornings.  ***MARLAR: How is this preparing kids for the real world?  When is the last time anyone was employed by a company that said, “Hey, don’t worry if you can’t make it in by 8am every morning… 1pm is fine too.” 

FUN LIST

I LOVE MY COMPUTER… SHE’S A GOOD ONE

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given only feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as “she.” One of the students raised their hand and asked, “What “gender” is a computer?” The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

  • In order to get their attention; you have to turn them on.

  • They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

  • They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

  • As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

  • No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

  • The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

  • Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

  • As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Did You Get Married In Texas? Maybe You Didn’t!

Bad news married Texans. You may not be. Barbara Ann Radnofsky, a Houston lawyer and candidate for attorney general, says that a 22-word clause in a 2005 constitutional amendment designed to ban gay marriages has inadvertently endangered the legal status of all marriages in the state. The amendment, overwhelmingly ratified by Texas voters, declares that “marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman.” But it goes on to say, “This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage” and therein lies the problem. Radnofsky says that phrase and wording effectively “eliminates all marriage in Texas,” including common-law marriages. She calls it a “massive mistake” and blames the current attorney general, Greg Abbott, for allowing the language to become part of the Texas Constitution. She also says that another constitutional amendment may be necessary to reverse the problem. However not everyone agrees. Kelly Shackelford, president of the Liberty Legal Institute in Plano says, “It’s a silly argument. Any lawsuit based on the wording of the section in question would have about one chance in a trillion of being successful.” (Star Telegram)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends.)

Women are chatterboxes, while men are stoically quiet. Right? Wrong! It’s a myth that women talk more than men, according to myths Abby Kaplan, a professor of linguistics at the University of Utah and the author of “Women Talk More Than Men… And Other Myths about Language Explained.” In fact, the opposite is true. When linguistics researchers have studied men and women in a variety of settings, the common finding is that men talk more than women. However, as with most things, it depends on the situation, how well the people know one another, the nature of the task and the power structure of those involved. Kaplan says the best study on talkativeness involved 400 college students who were each given a recording device to wear for a few days. Everything each student said was recorded. The researchers found there was no difference between the average words per day for men and women.

This may come as a surprise to some married folks staying hitched through thick and thin is actually good for your long term health. A recent study shows that the divorced, widowed and never wed have more chronic health problems and less mobility as they age than people who stay in a continuous marriage. And they continue to suffer more ailments, even if they remarry. Researchers at the University of Chicago and Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore found that divorced and widowed people experienced 20% more health woes, including heart disease, cancer and diabetes. They also had a 23% increase in mobility problems, evident by trouble climbing stairs and walking short distances. Study co-author Linda Waite says the enormous financial and emotional stress associated with divorce or the death of a spouse causes permanent damage, leading to a higher incidence of American’s two biggest killers heart disease and cancer. And remarrying even happily isn’t a panacea. Says Waite: “You move from a state where you’re getting damaged to where you’re taking care of yourself, but you still have the damage.”

Many Americans are more worried about their reputation than their conscience. according to a new study from Nashville-based LifeWay Research, They worry less about guilt and fear and more about avoiding shame. Thirty-eight percent of Americans say they avoid shame the most. Thirty-one percent say guilt, while 30 percent say fear.
http://factsandtrends.net/2017/05/23/in-internet-age-americans-most-worried-about-shame/

All you need is love… but that may not include marriage. While half of us hold with tradition and believe that marriage is very important in today’s society, that view is slowly eroding. 39 percent of Americans say marriage is not only not important, but also not even necessary, according to a nationwide Harris Poll of U.S. adults. While one might think that men and women have different views on this, they aren’t actually all that far apart. Just over half of women (54 percent) say marriage is very important to them personally and just under half of men (45 percent) say the same. The idea of marriage has undergone significant changes in the past few decades. Almost three-quarters of Americans (72 percent) say, when compared to previous generations, the idea of marriage today is less important than it was. One in five (20 percent) say it is just as important and only 4 percent believe it is more important today. And, sadly, this attitude is holding consistent across the generations.

The Centers for Disease Control reports American workers are not getting enough sleep, which increases the risk of obesity, depression, heart disease, diabetes and car accidents. “If a person doesn’t get the recommended amount of sleep, they are at increased risk of injuries that could affect them or the general public if they are a commerical driver,” says study author Dr. Sara Luckhaupt. More than 30 percent of adults or 40.6 million employees sleep six or fewer hours a day, a new study found. The people who are most at risk are those who work the night shit, especially in the transportation, warehouse and health care fields. The report found that 44 percent of people who worked the night ship did not get enough shut-eye, compared with 28.8 percent of day workers. People aged 30 to 44 made up the age group most likely to be sleep deprived. The National Sleep Foundation recommends seven to nine hours of sleep nightly.

SOUL-GLO

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends.)

Blake Walsh isn’t just Kevin’s wife – she is also the woman who saved his life.
Kevin and Blake first met at summer camp when they were 13 years old. Even when they were younger, Kevin says that he though she was the prettiest girl he had ever seen. Though they in contact over instant messaging and phone calls in the following years, they eventually lost touch. After all, Kevin lived in Indianapolis and Blake lived in Michigan. But then, one year after they stopped talking, divine intervention led Blake to call Kevin out of the blue when they were 17 years old. Due to a string of events, Kevin says he was “seconds away” from taking his own life. He had already written out his suicide note and was about to do the deed when his phone vibrated in his pocket. It was Blake. As they spoke, Kevin told her that he had been planning on committing suicide. Shocked and mortified, Blake talked him down and made him promise that he would call her the next day. The two became even closer friends until they fell in love and started dating. Then, 10 years after that fateful phone call, Kevin proposed to her in 2015. During his proposal, Kevin reportedly told Blake: “I love you. Also, thanks for saving my life.”
(WATCH the video at 
http://darrenmarlar.com/2017/08/31/blake-walsh-isnt-just-kevins-wife-also-woman-saved-life/)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends.)

Taylor Swift has become a ticket-scalper to her own concerts!
Taylor Swift and Ticketmaster claim their new partnership is to help ensure tickets to her upcoming tour go to her biggest fans, not scalpers. Sounds like a great idea until you find out how it works which many are calling immoral, illegal and a ponzi scheme! The complicated process, which utilizes Ticketmaster’s new Verified Fan service, asks fans to buy Swift merchandise or promote her music on social media to earn “boosts” to their place in line for tickets, all in the hopes that when tickets go on sale, they’ve boosted themselves to the front of the line and are able to snag seats at a show. Of course, buying stuff gets you a lot more boosts than simply watching a Swift music video or posting about her online, but even that doesn’t actually guarantee you a ticket. Not surprisingly, many are calling the scheme “pay-to-play” and a “scam.” Donovan Farley at Consequence of Sound writes that Swift herself has actually become a scalper by charging extra to ensure a place in line for tickets – not the tickets themselves. Farley also notes that fans who preorder Swift’s new album, Reputation, for boosts and want to actually get it on the day it’s released have to pay an extra $48.03 shipping charge, a “nonsensical move [that] seems aimed to appease UPS, one of Swift’s many corporate partners.” And then there’s the fact that fans are encouraged to buy multiple copies of Reputation to get more boosts which Farley calls an “egregiously immoral” move. On his Lefsetz Letter, music analyst Bob Lefsetz calls the whole thing “almost a Ponzi scheme” and Swift herself a greedy, “hypocritical bully.” 
(Newser)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Even if I won the lottery, I don’t think I would quit my job.  I don’t really have it all that hard: surfing the Web looking for material and writing jokes all day.  I’d see about cutting back on that “work” stuff, though, because that part kinda stinks.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

SEPTEMBER 01, 2017…

Close Encounters Of The Third Kind (1977)—Ok, raise your hand. How many readers have this film of space alien encounters as one of their favorite, favorite films. Not to mention the killer soundtrack by John Williams. This year is the 40th anniversary of the release of  “Close Encounters” so you can see it again on the large screen. Richard Dreyfuss has gone on to other films and screen characters, but he will be remembered for the repairman, Roy, who has an encounter on a country road (remember those lights from behind?), his mashed potato episode and what the word “Mayflower” means. The words of the title come from a classification, developed by J. Allen Hynek,  if you should meet a space alien. Third Kind” means humans actually see the space aliens. Some people may stand and stare, some may run for the hills. Either way, you will have seen “something unusual.” The term “mothership” has also gained credence. The cast included Melinda Dillon, Teri Garr, Bob Balaban, Cary Guffey and Francois Truffaut (yes, he did act here.) “Close Encounters Of The Third Kind” is rated PG 13. Enjoy…and a rating of 4.

Goon: Last Of The Enforcers—Hockey fans out there, here, again, is Seann William Scott in the role of  Doug “The Thug” in the 2011 film, “Goon.” A term used for hockey enforcers, “goon,” is really a bully on ice. Scott reprises the same role in “Goon: Last Of The Enforcers.”  These films are called sports comedies, but be aware of sports violence as they use nefarious techniques to “get” their opponents and to spice up the game for fans. You see the same in wrestling (beware of what is under the ring). In “Goon,” Doug decided to temporarily retire from the game after many penalties. He actually is a nice person, but sometimes slow to catch on to situations. In the 2017 film, Doug is called out of retirement to help his team with a notorious enforcer from another team. Both scripts were co-written by Jay Baruchel, who directed the first film and acts in the second one. The action shots are good and Seann William Scott is a credible action star. Also in the cast are Alison Pill, Liev Schreiber (as Ross “The Boss”, the other “enforcer“), Marc-Andre Grondin, Kim Coates and Eugene Levy. “Goon: Last Of The Enforcers” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

Viceroy’s House (opening in select cities)—This film is a colorful story about India trying to gain independence after WWII.  The word “colonialism” has meaning here. Gillian Anderson (“X-Files”) and Hugh Bonneville (“Downton Abbey”) are the stars. Curinder Chadha is the director. “Viceroy’s House” is rated PG 13. No rating.

I Do…Until I Don’t—This is a film about marriage vows. What if…part of the marriage vow was omitted?  The line about “…till death do us part…”  Hmm. Three couples, one of which is Lake Bell and Ed Helms, are trying to figure this one out.”I Do…Until I Don’t…” is rated PG 13. No rating.

SEPTEMBER 08, 2017…

Home Again stars Reese Witherspoon as a divorcee who goes back home to live with family and finds romance again.

IT is adapted from the Stephen King thriller about a killer clown in a small Maine village. Stars Bill Skarsgard.

Rebel In The Rye is a biopic about the author J. D. Salinger (Nicholas Hoult) and creativity in writing.

9/11 is adapted from a play and concerns people trapped in an elevator during the 9/11 attack. Stars Charlie Sheen.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.