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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Wasn’t sure I’d still be here for the show today. About an hour ago I put instant coffee in the microwave and briefly ended up in 1985.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Whatever situation’s I face, I will start, continue, and finish them with God’s Word.” –Revelation 1:8
Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil, to take part in wicked deeds with men who are evildoers; let me not eat of their delicacies. —Psalm 141:4
My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense — Jesus Christ the Righteous One. — 1 John 2:1
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
(From VerseOfTheDay.com)
He answered me, “The sin of the house of Israel and Judah is exceedingly great; the land is full of bloodshed and the city is full of injustice. They say, ‘The LORD has forsaken the land; the LORD does not see.'” — Ezekiel 9:9
Thought: In times of evil and adversity, God’s people can lose sight of the Father’s “great and precious promises.” God has faithfully kept these promises through the ages. This past faithfulness is our reminder that we can trust his promise of the salvation we will fully experience with him one day. Even in our darkest night, God has not forsaken us. He sees and knows what we do and how we feel. Quite often, however, the LORD is watching to see how we will live in tough times. He wants us to show that we will be faithful during these times. He wants us to see that he can be trusted and that he still is at work in our world and in our lives. So let’s be faithful, trusting that the God who preserved Israel and brought through Israel the promised Messiah will also preserve and bless us!
Prayer: In my times of darkest struggle or of loftiest joy, dear LORD, please help me to be found faithful to you and to your will. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
1 Corinthians 9:26 NIV = Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air.
TODAY IS TUESDAY – SEPTEMBER 26, 2017
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 89 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
This is DOG SCOUTS OF AMERICA DAY. ***And they can earn their “Humanities” badge by helping little old poodles across the street. (Don’t buy their cookies though – they taste like dog biscuits.)
Today is DEATH BY POTATO DAY. On this day in 1820 Daniel Boone died at age 85. His favorite dish was baked sweet potatoes. He ate too many and died of indigestion. ***But hey, he died happy!
Today is SHAMU DAY. The first surviving killer whale born in captivity was born at Orlando’s Sea World on September 26, 1985. ***You’d think going around and around in a circle non-stop would be a boring life for a whale, but it doesn’t seem to bother NASCAR drivers at all.
This is NATIONAL FARM ANIMALS AWARENESS WEEK. ***Actually, “awareness” is a bit of a stretch. A recent Gallup Poll of barnyard fowl showed that only three chickens in ten could name the President of the United States. You can’t call that “awareness.”
TODAY IS ALSO…
Compliance Officer Day
Johnny Appleseed Day
National Dumpling Day
National Voter Registration Day
Shamu the Whale Day
Situational Awareness Day
World Contraception Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
Ancestor Appreciation Day
Banned Websites Awareness Day
Crush A Can Day
Google’s Birthday
National Women’s Health & Fitness Day
National Woman Road Warrior Day
World Tourism Day
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
Fish Tank Floorshow Night
National Drink Beer Day
National Good Neighbor Day
International Right To Know Day
World Maritime Day
World Rabies Day
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
Ask A Stupid Question Day
Hug A Vegetarian Day
International Coffee Day
MAGS Day
Mutation Day (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
National Biscotti
National Attend Your Grandchild’s Birth Day
National Gay Men HIV AIDS Awareness Day
Save The Koala Day
Support Purple for Platelets Day
Vegan Baking Day
VFW Day
World Heart Day
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
Blasphemy Day
Fall Astronomy Day
Family Health and Fitness Day USA
International Translation Day
National Ghost Hunting Day
National Public Lands Day
National Mulled Cider Day
Nickelodeon’s Worldwide Day of Play
Save Your Photos Day
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 01
Ashura
CD Player Day
Change A Light Day
Country Inn Bed & Breakfast Day
Fire Pup Day
International Coffee Day
International Day of Older Persons
Intergeneration Day
International African Diaspora Day
International Blessings of The Fishing Fleet Day
International Music Day
Model T Day
National Book It! Day
National Lace Day
National Walk Your Dog Day
Vegan Baking Day
World Vegetarian Day
World Communion Day
MONDAY, OCTOBER 02
Child Health Day
Day of Unity
Guardian Angels Day
International Day of Non-violence
National Custodial Workers Day
Peanuts (Cartoon) Day
Phileas Fogg’s Wager Day
World Day of Architecture
World Day of Bullying Prevention / Blue Shirt Day
World Farm Animals Day
World Habitat Day
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 03
Techies Day
ON THIS DAY
1789: Thomas Jefferson was appointed America’s first Secretary of State.
1914: The Federal Trade Commission was established.
1820: Daniel Boone died at age 85. His favorite dish was baked sweet potatoes. He ate too many and died of indigestion.
1950: United Nations troops recaptured Seoul, the capital of South Korea, from the North Koreans.
1956: It was Elvis Presley Day in his hometown of Tupelo, Mississippi.
1957: The musical “West Side Story” opened on Broadway.
1960: Richard M. Nixon and John F. Kennedy took part in the first televised presidential debate.
1962: “The Beverly Hillbillies” debuted on CBS-TV, starring Buddy Ebsen, Irene Ryan, Donna Douglas, and Max Baer Jr. The show lasted nine seasons. The theme, “The Ballad of Jed Clampett,” was recorded by Lester Flatt & Earl Scruggs. (audio clip)
1969: “The Brady Bunch” premiered on ABC-TV. (audio clip)
1975: “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” premiered in Westwood, California. It’s probably still playing somewhere. The cult classic starred Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon, and Barry Bostwick.
1981: Houston’s Nolan Ryan pitched his 5th no hitter, shutting down the Dodgers 5-0.
1986: Bobby Ewing returned from the dead to take a shower on “Dallas” in one of television’s more or less memorable episodes. (audio clip)
1986: William H. Rehnquist was sworn as the 16th chief justice of the Supreme Court.
1994: Jury selection began in Los Angeles for the double murder trial of O.J. Simpson. One year later to the day, the prosecution began closing arguments. He was acquitted of both charges.
2002: A 39-year-old man ordered a limousine to pick him up at a hotel in Moline, Illinois after he robbed a bank there. Unfortunately for the robber, his driver was a retired police officer, who tipped off police that a suspicious passenger had just paid $335 in cash for a ride to Chicago. State troopers arrested the suspect at a nearby truck stop.
2002: In Belo Horizonte, Brazil, an escaped prisoner flagged down a bus to make his getaway only to find it was full of policemen looking for him. Sergio Vilas Boas escaped from a police station and stopped the first bus he saw. Boas was arrested originally for carrying three handguns at a soccer match.
2005: U.S. Army PFC Lynndie England, seen in widely distributed photos with inmates at Iraq`s Abu Ghraib prison, was convicted at Fort Hood, Texas, of conspiracy and prisoner abuse. Two days later, the military court sentenced her to three years in prison.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1460: Pope Pius II assembles European leaders, then delivers a three-hour sermon to inspire them to launch a new crusade against the Turks. The speech works, but then another speaker, Cardinal Bessarion, adds a three-hour sermon of his own. After six hours of preaching, the European princes lose all interest in the cause; they never mount the called-for crusade.
1897: Charles C. Overton, a Sunday school superintendent at Brighton Chapel, Staten Island, spontaneously promotes the idea of a Christian flag. The Rally Day speaker hadn’t shown up, so Overton gave an extemporaneous address on Christian meanings for the elements of the American flag. The red, white, and blue cross flag Overton later helped devise was first sewn around 1907 and continues to be used in some churches.
BIRTHDAY RAP-UP
- Actor (Passion of the Christ, Frequency, Thin Red Line, “Person of Interest”) Jim Caviezel, 49
- actress (Mary Ingalls on “Little House on the Prairie”) Melissa Sue Anderson 55 (audio clip)
- Actress (Terminator: Judgement Days, Dante’s Peak) Linda Hamilton, 61
- Game show host (“The Weakest Link”) Anne Robinson, 73
BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1898 : George Gershwin
1901 : Ted Weems
1918 : John “The Cool” Zacherle
1925 : Marty Robbins
1926 : Julie London
1931 : George Chambers (The Chambers Brothers)
1941 : Joe Bauer (The Youngbloods)
1945 : Bryan Ferry (Roxy Music)
1947 : Lynn Anderson
1948 : Olivia Newton-John
1948 : Stuart Tosh (The Alan Parsons Project)
1954 : Craig Chaquico (Jefferson Airplane)
1954 : Cesar Rosas (Los Lobos)
1955 : Carlene Carter
1962 : Tracey Thorn (Everything But The Girl)
1965 : Cindy Herron (En Vogue)
1972 : Shawn Stockman (Boyz II Men)
1981 : Christina Milian
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Why do we say that a crazy person is “loco?”
First, let’s clear up some confusion. This is not related to the old railroad slang word, which was simply short for locomotive. If you think they’re the same, you don’t know one end from another. Crazy railroad people aren’t loco, they just have a loose caboose. But I digress. The word “loco” comes from a weed found in the Southwest. This plant, a narcotic, is actually called the locoweed and it drove cattle nuts when they ate it. It became a synonym for craziness in the West in the 1840s and came into widespread use about four decades later. Did you ever see a bull run amok? Crazy, man.
NEWS KICKERS
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
This is just crazy. There was a home in Florida that was spared by Hurricane Irma… but last week, was swallowed by a sinkhole. ***Is this a real story, or are they filming another “Final Destination” movie?
White House adviser and presidential son-in-law Jared Kushner apparently used a private email account to communicate with White House staffers. ***Please tell me it’s from a private server sitting in his bathroom. That would be toooo good!
Cher says she keeps her costumes in a special, temperature-controlled unit to preserve them. ***Rumor has it that’s also where she keeps her birthday suit.
A new study says that more than 1 in 8 Americans are alcoholics. ***I’ll drink to that!
A so-called “Christian numerologist” predicted the world would end last Saturday. ***So… I’m just checking — did it? I was king hoping for a little bit better than this in the afterlife.
If a woman finds that the kind and considerate man she has lived with for years suddenly stops helping with the laundry and taking out the trash, it’s probably because the couple got married. Researchers have found cohabiting couples are far more likely than those who are married to split housework evenly — but after the wedding they revert to the typical stereotype, with the woman taking on the great majority of tasks. ***Well yeah – why do you think we ask you to marry us?
Data shows that Amazon’s price cuts at Whole Foods resulted in an increase of 25% more shoppers. ***Lower prices equals more customers – who would’ve thunk it? ARE YOU LISTENING, FERRARI?!?!
A study says cheat days may help dieters lose weight. ***Honestly, I didn’t read any farther than that.
If you have put on weight since you tied the knot, if might mean you are happily wed. New research in Health Psychology found that over four years, both happily married men and women raised their BMIs by 0.12 every six months. Unhappy couples, however, stayed the same size. ***So I’m fat and happy. I can accept that.
General Mills says it will bring back Trix cereal with artificial colors and flavors. ***So the current version will be called “New Trix” and the old version being brought back will be labled “Trix Classic”.
On average, 1700 Americans a year go to the emergency room after injuring an eye with a toothbrush. ***Dear America… you’re doing it wrong.
In a speech, Bill Gates apologized to Microsoft users for Control-Alt-Delete to start windows instead of having a separate button. ***Dude, if you’re going to apologize, I’d start by saying you’re sorry for the blue screen of death. Am I right, Weirdos?
A big desk, especially in a corner office, is the best sign you have made it in the corporate world. But something quite ominous can happen when executives sit behind those mammoth desks in cavernous offices with lots of room to spread out to work: They are more likely to become greedy. That lush corporate environment in which they work day in and day out makes them feel far more powerful than they have ever felt before. And it’s not just big desks that can cause this. Big car seats do the same, and you don’t have to be a highly-paid top corporate executive to relate to this. You just have to drive an SUV. That’s the word from researchers at Columbia University in New York City, who have concluded that having a sense of power — and big desks or big car seats lead to this — can encourage a range of dishonest behavior. This includes such things as stealing, cheating, lying, unethical behavior, willfully breaking traffic laws and parking illegally. As in, the rules by which the rest of us abide don’t seem to apply to these “big” people. ***Fair warning, world… my wife wants to buy a truck!
A café in Wales has come up with a unique way of deterring pesky pigeons from bothering its customers. The owners of Coffee Fresco (in Swansea) provide water pistols for their customers to aim at any pigeon that lands on their table. ***I say we bring this to restaurants in the United States – and aim at spoiled brat kids who won’t stop screaming.
A semi-truck carrying 40,000-pounds of vodka overturned in North Carolina. ***Even if you’re not drinking and driving – the road is.
Former U.S. President Bill Clinton’s debut novel — “The President Is Missing,” co-authored with prolific thriller writer James Patterson — will not hit shelves for almost a year, will be adapted into a Showtime series. ***I’ve not read it, but my guess is that it’s about the nation’s first female President who then disappears and the first gentlemen is really happy about it.
Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton’s new book “What Happened” has already sold 300,000 copies. ***Mostly to people with the last name of “Clinton”.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Want to live to be 100 or older? Your odds are better if you are a woman. Statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau revealed that for every 100 women that make it to at least 100, there are only 20.7 men who do the same. But, the statistics also revealed that getting to 100 isn’t an easy feat. Fewer than two people out of 10,000 will make it to that ripe old age. ***So you have to wonder if it’s worth living to 100 – seeing as all your friends are dead.
More than a quarter of Americans lie about flossing their teeth, and 36 percent say they would rather do an unpleasant activity like doing taxes or cleaning the toilet. ***Which is still better than flossing with your toilet brush.
Nearly half of all American workers gripe about being burned out even though they didn’t use up all their vacation days last year. According to a recent survey by Yahoo Hot Jobs, 45% didn’t take all their time off, while 39% say they were too exhausted to go on a “real” vacation. Another 36% claim to be too busy to take time off, 34% say the high cost of going somewhere keeps them going to the office, while 32% want to save vacation days for real emergencies. ***I know exactly how frustrating that can be, working too hard and not taking time off… so here’s my plan for you. Work hard, and give ME your vacation time. I’m willing to make the sacrifice for you.
A Duke University study found that most Americans today are very isolated and have no close friends to confide in. ***I hope you don’t mind me telling you this story, but I have nobody else to talk to.
A proposed law in Italy would jail parents for up to six years for imposing “reckless and dangerous eating behavior,” including veganism, on kids under 17. ***I say we expand that to the U.S. – and require a night in jail for each time they tell you they are a vegan. They’d never see their freedom.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk was generously helping his niece, Rita with her math homework. Well, “helping” isn’t the right word, because the truth of the matter is that Rita wasn’t doing any of the work herself – she was letting her uncle answer all of the questions for her.
CLOSE: Unbelievable! Even though Racquet knows he shouldn’t do the work for Rita, he ends up doing it anyway – because she’s learned how to manipulate him. She’s pretty smart… but what happens when they finally DO get to long division? Find out, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
I hope you weren’t deaf during Hurricane Irma – if so, you might’ve had no idea what was going on!
As Hurricane Irma was advancing on Florida, here is the message deaf residents of Manatee County received regarding a mandatory evacuation: “Help you at that time to use bear big.” Jason Hurdich, a Clemson University professor and expert in American Sign Language says he couldn’t understand 95% of what a deaf interpreter was signing during the Sept. 8 briefing from the Manatee County Emergency Operations Center. County officials tell WPTV they were “in a pinch” to find a qualified professional interpreter for the briefing, so they asked an employee – county lifeguard Marshall Greene, whose brother is deaf. But Hurdich says the results were “horrible and embarrassing.” Greene spent most of the briefing signing complete nonsense while using the signs for “monsters” and “pizza.” “Something went horribly wrong,” says Charlene McCarthy, whose company, VisCom, typically provides deaf interpreters to the county. Now the deaf community is seeking an apology from the county. As for Greene, his family says he was willing to step in and help out during an emergency. (Newser) ***I don’t think you can truthfully call that “helping out”.
TOP TEN
TOP TEN PERKS OF BEING PERKY
10. You never have to hear concerned individuals remark, “Gee, you look tired! Are you feeling okay?”
9. You can annoy people yet be too cute to slap.
8. You actually have a viable reason to use the word “effervescent.”
7. You have plenty of energy to dodge the things your irritated co-workers throw at you.
6. You need no experience, sense, or IQ to be hired at any airport.
5. All the people who hate you for being perky tend to be too lazy to actually cause you any harm.
4. You can save thousands a year on caffeinated beverages.
3. All awkward silences are now filled with interesting and informative stories about your cat and significant other.
2. You are able to find a bright side to everybody hating you for always looking on the bright side
1. Why gee whillakers, it’s just so much fun!”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A story that Colonel Sanders would not be pleased about.
FILE #1: Ignoring a possible nasty case of bird flu, 37-year-old John Morahan, of Saratoga Springs, Florida is accused of putting a roasted chicken in his pants in an effort to steal it. When the store manager approached Morahan about the chicken, Morahan bit the manager on the forearm. No word on whether that tasted like chicken, but Morahan was charged with petit larceny, second-degree assault, and second-degree robbery. ***MARLAR: And now he’s a JAIL BIRD.
FILE #2: Floyd Brown picked the wrong place to rob, because he had no idea what he was getting himself into when he decided to rob an Anchorage, Alaska, Holiday Inn. Brown walked up to the hotel clerk at the front desk — pretended to have a gun — and demanded all the money in the cash register. Meanwhile, Mike Collins, a hotel guest who was near the front desk ready to check out, snuck away to get help from a nearby conference room. Unbeknownst to the robber, the Holiday Inn was in the middle of hosting a two-week police training conference. Within seconds there were 30 cops there to apprehend the would-be criminal. Next time, maybe he’ll pay attention to the big banner in the lobby welcoming the police!
FILE #3: For most thief’s, getting through the door is the main obstacle on the way to a robbery. But for David Lee Johnson, the doors were just the main thing! Police have arrested Johnson in connection for a six-week robbing spree of 19 antique doors from people’s houses. Police finally caught the man while he was trying to sell the doors to a nearby antique store. The doors were valued between $500 and $2,000 apiece. Police Sergeant Ed Tomba said that after the arrest, “We haven’t had a door stolen since. Knock on wood.” Sounds like an open and shut case.
STRANGE LAW: In South Dakota it’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
(2017) In Darlington, Pennsylvania, 24-yera-old Kevin Cook was too drunk to drive and he knew it. He sort of did the right thing by getting someone to come drive him home. Problem was the person he got was 8-years-old. When another driver saw the child driving and almost wrecking the car twice, they called 911. The girl told police Cook made her switch seats so he could get behind the wheel before they arrived. Police say Cook was so drunk he couldn’t finish a field sobriety test. He be in jail now. (Arkansas Online)
PHONER PHUN
Does anyone do great farm animal noises? Call in and give us your best!
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who was the first metal craftsman in the Bible?
ANSWER: Tubal-Cain (Genesis 4:22)
QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE
QUESTION: The average baby will spend 2.2 hours a day doing what?
ANSWER: Crying
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. The main purpose for the gold earrings once worn by pirates and sailors was to pay for their burials. (True)
2. Electric eels can deliver shocks up to 550 volts. (True)
3. A group of finches is called a covey (False – it’s a “charm.”)
4. One-time ruler of Egypt, Mohammed Ali, once created two infantry regiments made up entirely of one-eyed soldiers. (True – not the boxer though!)
5. President Ulysses S. Grant was the first President to display fireworks at the White House. (False – it was John Adams.)
6. “Pogonology” is the study of mathmatical shapes. (False – it’s the study of beards.)
7. Iranian women competed in the Olympics for the first time at the 2008 Beijing Games. (False – but it hasn’t been long. Their first time was in 1995 in Atlanta.)
8. “Corduroy” comes from the French, “cord du roi,” or “cloth of the king.” (True)
9. In the Czech Republic, peas are thrown at brides and grooms rather than rice. (True)
10. Typically, a $1 bill lasts only 18 months in circulation. (True. Also, $5 bills last two years, $10 bills last three years, $20 bills last four years, and $50 and $100 bills make it about nine years.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
________ BODIES FOUND IN HIMALAYAS (ALIEN)
American and Nepalese authorities have recovered the bodies of six aliens ship from an ice pack near the summit of a Himalayan mountain peak.
A UFO expert, Dr. John Malley, made the discovery, with his team from the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials. Dr. Malley charges that the governments of both countries are conspiring to keep the discovery secret for fear of causing a global panic if all the facts are made public.
The pictures he took of the bodies were seized by Nepalese authorities – with American government officials in the room!
“They took the photos and they have seized the bodies of the aliens. They also took the eight fragments of a Gootan spaceship – but they don’t want us to know anything about it,” said Henri Degois, president of a Paris-based watchdog group Scientists for Truth in UFO Reporting, which accompanied Dr. Malley in his exploration of the alien site.
“The cover-up is not only in excusable, it is outright criminal,” said Degois.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
JOKE #1
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on … very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
JOKE #2
My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.
“I went to the bookstore,” she explained. “And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same darn book. I had bought it a couple of years ago. . .
JOKE #3
Mrs. Jones called the doctor’s office and was met with this response by the secretary. “This is Dr. Whitman’s office. What would you like to talk about?”
Mrs. Jones was disturbed by this response and replied sarcastically, “I want to order a hamburger with fries. For goodness’s sake, why would I call a doctor if I didn’t feel sick? I’m very sick. I need to see the doctor.”
“Fine,” replied the secretary, “I can make an appointment for you. Let me see, ahhhh yes, I have an appointment one week from next Friday.”
“Great,” said Mrs. Jones, “I’ll have my mortician drop me off then!”
USELESS FACTS
If you were to rub garlic on the heel of your foot, it would be absorbed by the pores and eventually show up on your breath. ***Of course, there are much more enjoyable ways to get bad breath, but they call cause smelly feet.
Jail inmates in Pasco County, Florida are complaining about having to wear the black-and-white-striped uniforms on outside work details. One man said the new prisoner uniforms made them “look like convicts.” ***Kudos to the fashion designers! Well done!
FEATURED FUNNIES
ABSTRACT NOUN
“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Meet the female Chuck Norris!
(2017) They’re calling Angela McQueen the female Chuck Norris. She’s the incredibly brave math and PE teacher at Mattoon High School in Illinois who took down the16-year-old school cafeteria shooter and saved who knows how many lives in the process. Witnesses say McQueen did exactly as she was taught in recent active shooter training, grabbing the shooter’s arm to take away his ability to aim – he fired multiple shots into the ceiling after McQueen grabbed him – and taking him to the ground. The student was then disarmed by a school resource officer. Police Chief Jeff Branson said, “I can’t tell you how impressed I am with her.” A Mattoon student put it another way: “Mrs. McQueen is Chuck Norris, basically.” McQueen turned down requests for comment, but her mother, Barbara McQueen, says, “When she saw the situation and, you know, ‘Okay, this kid’s going to kill somebody if I don’t do something,’ she just took action.'” On the Mattoon High School website, McQueen – who scored more than 1,000 points as a high-school basketball star – says she became a teacher “to make the world a better place.” (Chicago Tribune)
INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION
Do you know how powerful your prayers are?
They flow out of your mouth and they go out and find anybody that you want to pray for, wherever they are. It doesn’t matter who or where they are, God doesn’t even have to have their address, and He already knows it. It’s the power of the Spirit of God, and nothing can limit the power of the Spirit of God. It’s the Elixir of Heaven! It doesn’t matter what you pray for, it is just absolutely marvelous! Every one of you has power! It’s sad that we don’t pray more for people, because there are so many people we could pray for and help. Don’t you think you should pray for them? When you think about someone, you can send out a little prayer, just like a tracer. But a thought about someone or something is not a prayer; a thought is just like an employee who’s standing there waiting for a command, an order. And if he just stands there and waits, he’ll never get anything done. A thought is only the beginning of a prayer. When you pray a prayer in Jesus’ name, it runs just like a messenger. That’s the difference. Just thinking about them is not going to do it. You have to put feet to your prayer and send it and say, “Oh God, please help them, in Jesus’ name. I love them and I want you to help them!” You have to send the messenger. You have to pray the prayer. There is so much that you will never know that you didn’t accomplish because you didn’t pray. When you think about someone that you love, or someone that you feel sorry for or that you know needs help, it’s God by His Holy Spirit who is putting that thought in your mind. It’s just like a telephone call! You’re like the telephone exchange, and God sends the main call from His Spirit to your mind. But it’s up to you to make the connection, to send it on to the party that needs to receive it. But if you only think about them and then you just cut if off, it’s like you’re turning the phone off on God! It’s like God’s trying to make a phone call and He gives you the number and wants you to put it through. You’re the operator. God is the One whose calling, but He tries to put it through you because He wants to show you what love really is.
— Johan Lourens from South Africa
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
WHEN IT’S HARD TO PRAY
Read: Romans 8:26-27
There is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. —Psalm 139:4
The Bible tells us that God knows our every thought and every word on our tongue (Psalm 139:1-4). And when we don’t know what to pray for, the Holy Spirit “makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered” (Romans 8:26).
These biblical truths assure us that we can have communication with God even without a word being spoken, because He knows the intentions and desires of our heart. What a comfort when we are perplexed or in deep distress! We don’t have to worry if we can’t find the words to express our thoughts and feelings. We don’t have to feel embarrassed if sometimes our sentences break off half-finished. God knows what we were going to say. We don’t have to feel guilty if our thoughts wander and we have to struggle to keep our minds focused on the Lord.
And for that matter, we don’t have to worry about a proper posture in prayer. If we are elderly or arthritic and can’t kneel, that’s okay. What God cares about is the posture of our heart.
What a wonderful God! No matter how much you falter and stumble in your praying, He hears you. His heart of infinite love responds to the needs and emotions of your own inarticulate heart. So keep on praying! —Vernon Grounds
Prayer is the soul’s sincere desire,
Unuttered or expressed,
The motion of a hidden fire
That trembles in the breast. —Montgomery
Prayer does not require eloquence but earnestness.
LEFTOVERS
STOP THAT RACKET!
One of the hottest selling CD’s in New Zealand is also one of the most annoying too! It’s 64 minutes of loud lawnmower noise.
The astro-turf covered CD of lawnmower noise is the brainchild of Geoff Marsland. Marsland said he came up with the CD as a way of combating noisy inconsiderate neighbors in apartment buildings. “If your neighbors have a party Saturday night fairly late … what you do is you get up at seven o’clock in the morning, put the hour of lawn mowing sound on and go out to a cafe,” Wellington said. The album is his second. He previously sold around 4,200 copies of an album of urban noise such as a car alarm sounding off, a revving motorcycle, and three minutes of a baby crying. ***MARLAR: Hey, if you want to annoy someone with a CD, just record my show, take out the songs, and make a CD of me talking for 64 minutes. My wife tells me that’s enough to drive anyone nutzoid.
LIFE… LIVE IT
A new study finds that parents who use baby powder, lotion or shampoo on their infants may be exposing them to controversial chemicals with some nasty side effects.
…The chemicals are called phthalates and in testing of 163 babies with an average age of 13 months, seven or more types of phthalates were found in their systems. Previous studies have linked the chemicals to reproductive abnormalities, allergies and eczema. They warn that unborn children and infants are especially vulnerable to these chemicals. Incidentally, babies don’t need lotions since it’s the one time in your life that your skin is perfect. If your baby does have a patch of dry skin, use petroleum jelly, which doesn’t absorb into the system so much.
JUST FOR FUN
MARGARINE MIRAGE
As if advertising in the grocery store isn’t straight forward enough, soon you’ll be seeing ads floating right in the middle of the aisles!
Attention shoppers! You may soon see images of advertised products floating in mid-air at the supermarket! The images come from an appliance the size of a vending machine, and it projects still or moving images about 16 inches (40cm) in size which the human eye perceives as floating in mid-air. According to Holomedia, the makers of the device, “Preliminary studies showed that these images achieve a faster and more lasting memory imprint.” In other words… they’re more likely to make you buy something than traditional advertising. ***MARLAR: Great… like I don’t have enough hallucinations already when thinking of food.
FUN LIST
THINGS PEOPLE DON’T THINK WHEN THEY SEE A CHRISTIAN SYMBOL ON YOUR CAR
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Look! Let’s stop that car and ask those folks how we can become Christians.
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Don’t worry, Billy, those people are Christians. They must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour.
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What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit-filled brothers and sisters.
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Isn’t it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?
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Dad, how come people who drive like that don’t get thrown in jail? Can we get a bumper sticker like that, too?
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Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they get raptured, that car’s gonna be all over the road!
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Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer.
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No, that’s not garbage their throwing out of their windows, Bert. It’s probably gospel tracts for the road workers.
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Oh boy, we’re in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God’s cars.
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Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won’t know that we love Jesus!
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
ELEPHANT KIDNAPS WOMAN
A female tourist visiting a Ugandan game park ignored warnings to stay away from a male elephant. She got too close while trying to snap a picture, and the precocious pachyderm picked her up in his trunk and ran into the bushes. Wildlife officials have launched an intensive search for the missing woman. ***MARLAR: The only good thing about an elephant kidnapping you… chances are the ransom will only be peanuts.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
IS YOUR HOUSE MAKING YOU FAT? We know ice cream, pizza and milkshakes can make us fat, but how can a house do that? It’s all in the floor plan, according to University of Notre Dame and Cornell University researchers. Open floor plans that remove visual and physical barriers between people and food may contribute to overeating. The opposite also holds true. People who live in homes with enclosed kitchens consume fewer calories. A study found when students ate in the open plan within view of the kitchen and buffet table, they were more likely to go back for seconds — and eat more food. On average, students made about 10 percent more serving trips in the open floor plan than the closed plan. And each time they got up to get more food they ate, on average, about 170 additional calories. The takeaway: An easy and painless way to reduce the number of calories you eat could be as simple as facing away from the serving area.
No matter where you work or what you do, chances are you will feel the most stressed on Tuesdays. And if you want to be even more specific, the stress will peak at 11:45am. That’s the word from researchers at Clasado Ltd., the U.K. company that makes the health supplement Bimuno. Conventional wisdom maintains that Monday is the most stress-filled day. But most workers coast through Monday, spending the day getting their brain in gear and catching up with gossip from the weekend through social networking sites. 53% of those polled admitted they don’t do much work on Monday, and 10% said they spend a lot of this work day on Facebook and Twitter.
The most powerful point of view may be a simple admission of “I don’t know.” That’s the word from Duke University researchers, who have determined that “intellectual humility” — an awareness that your beliefs may be incorrect — may make you better able to make decisions and increase your tolerance. Intellectual humility is the opposite of intellectual arrogance or conceit. People who are intellectually humble are open-minded, and while they do have strong beliefs, they recognize their fallibility and are willing to be proven wrong on matters large and small. Led by Mark Leary, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke, found people who displayed intellectual humility also did a better job evaluating the quality of evidence — even in mundane matters. For instance, when presented with arguments about the benefits of flossing, intellectually humble people correctly distinguished strong, fact-based arguments from weak ones. The characteristic also affected people’s views on politicians who “flip-flop.” Intellectually humble Republicans were more likely than other Republicans to say that they would vote for a politician whose position on an issue changed over time, due to new evidence. They were also less likely to criticize that politician for “flip-flopping.” There was less variability among Democrats. Whether intellectually arrogant or humble, Democrats were generally less likely to criticize a politician for changing his mind.
Adding toppings to your dishes may seem like a fun way to boost flavor, but it could cause to overeat. The thinking is that the more textures and taste sensations you have in a meal, the less likely you will be to stop eating or feel satiated, since your taste buds and brain get excited by food variety. So instead of topping your frozen yogurt with chocolate chips, fruit chunks, sprinkles, coconut flakes and slivered almonds, stick to just one add-on. Two exceptions to the rule: if you are loading a meal with good for your vegetables or spices, according to Lauren Slayton, author of “The Little Book of Thin.” (Woman’s Day) ***I guess I’ll have to stop using caramel and whipped cream on top of my pepperoni pizza.
https://darrenmarlar.com/2017/09/25/lose-weight-making-food-boring/
Therapists Rubin Naiman, Ph.D. (a sleep and dream specialist at the University of Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine in Tucson), and Deidre Barrett, Ph.D., (a psychologist, at Harvard Medical School, and author of “The Committee of Sleep”) say that naked dreams can be a sign of embarrassment or vulnerability, since we tend to associate nudity with exposure. Some dreams, like your landlord’s cameo, might just be random, but recurring ones can alert you to insecurities you might not have realized you had, so use them to tackle those feelings in real life. You could be nervous about an annual review coming up. Or that your former peers at the reunion will see you as a failure. Jot down the details when you wake up; logging them will help you tease out the reasons behind the drams. If they cause you stress or sleep loss, consult a therapist. (Women’s Health)
https://darrenmarlar.com/2017/09/25/whats-deal-dreaming-im-naked/
SOUL-GLO
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Steffan Williams may only be 8 years old, but he has already saved half a dozen lives in his hometown.
…The Welsh youngster, who enjoys spending his days paddling along the coast of New Quay, first spotted three people in distress from his kayak near the end of August. Williams navigated over to the stranded tourists – an elderly woman and two teenagers – only to discover that they had hunkered down on a rock after being trapped out at sea by the tide. Williams then retrieved a dingy from the shore, returned to the tourists, and towed them back to safety. The trio was grateful for his help, and gave him a thank you tip of some cash. Then, just two days later, the 8-year-old was kayaking along the coast once more when he saw two young men standing on a rock at sea, whistling for help and waving to get his attention. Their phones had run out of battery power, and the two boys were cold, tired, hungry, and trapped on the rock without the ability to call for assistance. This time, Williams alerted the coast guard, who used a rescue boat to pick up the boys from the rock. The shoreline is notoriously dangerous for tourists who use the beach as a shortcut to get to nearby campsites. Many of these visitors then become trapped by the rising tide. If it had not been for Williams’s assistance, five people may have faced a much more treacherous fate. “People often get caught out by the tides in New Quay as they try to go backwards and forwards from the town to the caravan sites,” Steffan told Wales Online. “I just helped when I could.” Williams father Huw, who also works in the coast guard, said that he was extremely proud of his son’s heroism. Steffan plans on working alongside his father on the coast when he turns 17.
TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!
(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Walmart has managed to make shopping even easier… or, actually… lazier!
(2017) With the new home delivery grocery craze one would be tempted to think shopping couldn’t get any lazier. Walmart just raised the bar. It what seems to be a never-ending competition with Amazon – Walmart is now is testing out a grocery delivery service in which the delivery person actually enters the customer’s home and puts the groceries away in their refrigerator and freezer! The new service, which is being tested in Silicon Valley, is a partnership with August Home, which makes smart locks and other home tech, according to Reuters. The service is only available to August Home customers for the moment. Of course this could be a very tough sell. Response on the story from Business Insider readers include: “There is not a chance in hell I would let them in my house when I am not home.” Another says, “What moron would ever let a stranger into their home for any reason … my dogs [would] eat them alive.” (Fortune)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
“If law school is so hard to get through… how come there are so many lawyers?” –Calvin Trillin
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
SEPTEMBER 22, 2017…
Kingsmen: The Golden Circle—Yes, a sequel to the 2015 movie, “Kingsmen: The Secret Service,” that introduced us to the spies with weapons that are tongue-in-cheek to James Bond. In the first film, a young man, Eggsy (Taron Egerton) was selected to be a Kingsman, of Great Britain, and taught by Harry (Colin Firth.) Now, there are the Statesman (guess what country) and they are Halle Berry, Channing Tatum and Jeff Bridges. Every spy group needs a villain and I present Julianne Moore as “Poppy,” who sits in the middle of a jungle complete with a main street straight out of the 1950’s. Of course, she wants to reign supreme with a certain product and everyone is out to stop her. Among the specialized weapons are a deadly lasso and a mechanical dog that attacks on command. Guess German Shepherds wanted too much money. All of this is under the direction of Matthew Vaughn, who also directed the first film. “Kingsmen: The Secret Service” was average at the box office, but enough to have this second film, so fans, here you are. “Kingsmen: The Golden Circle” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Battle Of The Sexes—Go back in time for this one, back to 1973 and a tennis match between a man, Bobby Riggs (played by Steve Carell) and a woman, Billie Jean King (Emma Stone) to prove who was the stronger, and hence, the winner of this match. This was the BIG MATCH of its time with 90 million viewers. The story actually centers on their private lives, with Riggs the older one. Also in the cast are Sarah Silverman and Elisabeth Shue. “Battle Of The Sexes” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans who remember this tennis match.
The LEGO Ninjago Movie—Yes, LEGO fans, another movie is here. This time, Lloyd (voice of Dave Franco) is out to protect Ninjago City against a warlord named Garmandon (voice of Justin Theroux). Guess what…the warlord is also Lloyd’s father. Also in the cast of voices is Jackie Chan. “The LEGO Ninjago Movie” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.
Stronger—Jake Gyllenhaal takes on the role of Jeff Bauman, who lost both legs from the Boston Marathon bombing in 2013. This is a story of courage, hardship, and building a new life when you world has crumbled around you. Tatiana Maslany (“Orphan Black”) plays his girlfriend. “Stronger” is rated R. Rating of 3.
Victoria and Abdul—Can anyone who is the monarch of a nation have a private life? Actually, yes, and this film details the true story of a friendship between Great Britain’s Queen Victoria (played by Dame Judi Dench) and a representative from India, Abdul, who is a Muslim, and played by Ali Fazal. The young man introduced Queen Victoria to a new freedom in her life such as tasting new food, Being also knows as the Empress of India, Victoria was surprised to know what she did not know about India, and set about, with Abdul’s help, to learn about the country she ruled. This included eating different food and actually laughing and enjoying herself as she neared the end of her reign. Judi Dench also had a somewhat controversial role in “Mrs. Brown” (great soundtrack there) in which it was hinted she liked the man who took care of the royal horses. Being a monarch is a lonely place to be, and friendships are hard to come by, when you rule in a world of everyone asking for favors from you. “Victoria and Abdul” gives us a glimpse into a break in protocol, and is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.
SEPTEMBER 29, 2017…
American Made has Tom Cruise as the real life double spy, Barry Seal.
Flatliners stars Ellen Page as one of a group of medical students who try to cross over into death and come back. The first film, years ago, starred Kiefer Sutherland.
Mark Felt – The Man Who Brought Down The White House has Liam Neeson in the title role.
Our Souls At Night stars Robert Redford and Jane Fonda in a special romance.
Woodshock has Kirsten Dunst as a woman experimenting with drugs.
‘Til Death Due Us Part stars Taye Diggs in a film about a controlling marriage.
Lucky (opening in select cities) has Harry Dean Stanton as an atheist.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.