April 01, 2018: Sunday ONAIRprep

ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.

Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at darren@marlarhouse.com to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!

**********
PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180401
PDF: 20180401

**********

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Here it is April: the bird is in the meadow… the farmer is in the field… and I’m in a shoebox looking for a business-lunch receipt from last July.

Remember, when troubled by embarrassing itching, try (THE JOCK SHOW). It probably won’t help, but who knows?

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. They are corrupt, they have done abominable works; There is none that doeth good.” — Psalms 14:1 (emphasis added)

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. — 2 Corinthians 5:21

“You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet.” — John 13:13-14

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. — Galatians 3:24

Thought: Galatians reminds us again and again that law cannot make us righteous or save us, not even the Old Testament Law. However, the Law does one very important thing. It leads us to Christ. We recognize right and wrong because of the Law. We recognize our failures, imperfections, sins, transgressions, and weaknesses because of the Law. Most of all, we recognize our need for a Savior because of the Law. Praise God for the Law. Praise God a hundred times more for Jesus!

Prayer: Thank you, dear Heavenly Father, that the goal of your Law was to bring me to Jesus. It helps me appreciate his perfection. It helps me know my sinfulness. Most of all, it helps me realize that his sacrifice gives me what the Law cannot — your righteousness. Father, I do truly believe with all my heart that Jesus came to die for me and give me life. In Jesus’ name, and because of Jesus’ righteousness, I thank you! Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Ephesians 4:1 NIV = As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.

TODAY IS SUNDAY – APRIL 01, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
267 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is APRIL FOOL’S DAY. ***Today we honor fools everywhere… not just those in Washington D.C.

Today is RECONCILIATION DAY, a time for forgiving, a day to write a letter, make phone call to mend a broken relationship. ***Sure, you may feel like a fool while doing it, but what better day to feel like a fool than April 1st?

Today is INTERNATIONAL CHILDREN’S BOOK DAY, marking Hans Christian Anderson’s birthday. ***You have to wonder about some of his books though. Like “The Emperor’s New Clothes.” How is it appropriate for kids to be reading about some guy walking around naked?

Today is NATIONAL PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY DAY. ***What better snack to go with your children’s book?

Speaking of books, this is TALKING BOOK WEEK. ***I’m all for talking books, especially for those of us that don’t have time to sit and read a lot. But if I have to listen to (NEXT JOCK’S) tape of Green Eggs and Ham one more time I’m gonna flush it down the toilet.

Today is INTOLERANCE DAY. ***Top of the list – (NEXT JOCK’S) Green Eggs and Ham audio book.

And finally, not to ruin your day or anything, but your TAXES ARE DUE IN TWO WEEKS.

TODAY IS ALSO…

American Crossword Puzzle Day
April Fools  or All Fools Day
Atheist Day
Boomer Bonus Days
Easter
International Tatting Day
Library Snap Shot Day
Myles Day
National Fun Day
Plum Pudding Day
Poetry & The Creative Mind Day
Reading is Funny Day
Sorry Charlie Day
St. Stupid Day
US Air force Academy Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

MONDAY, APRIL 02

Dyngus Day
International Children’s Book Day
Mule Day
National Ferret Day
National Love Your Produce Manager Day
National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
Reconciliation Day
Tater Day ( It’s Sweet Potatoes)
White House Easter Egg Roll
World Autism Day
World Autism Acceptance Day

TUESDAY, APRIL 03

Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day
Fan Dance Day
Find A Rainbow Day
Pony Express Day
Tweed Day
Weed Out Hate
World Party Day

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 04

Childhelp National Day of Hope
International Day for Mine Awareness& Assistance in Mine Action
Jeep 4×4 Day

National Sexual Assault Awareness Day of Action
National Walking Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day
Paraprofessional Appreciation Day
Victims of Violence Wholly Day
Vitamin C Day
World Rat Day

THURSDAY, APRIL 05

Gold Star Spouses Day
National Fun at Work Day
National Alcohol Screening Day
National Burrito Day
National Deep Dish Pizza Day
Read A Road Map Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 06

Army Day
Charlie the Tuna Day
Drowsy Driver Awareness Day
Hospital Admitting Clerks Day
Hostess Twinkie Day
International Day of Sport for Development and Peace
National Pie Day
National Kids Yoga Day
National Student Athlete Day
National Walk To Work Day
New Beers Eve
Tartan Day
Teflon Day
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Day

SATURDAY, APRIL 07

Day of Remembrance of the Victims of the Rwanda Genocide
Every Day is Tag Day
International Beaver Day
International Snailpapers Day
International Pillow Fight Day
Metric System Day
National Beer Day
National Girl Me Too Day
National Handmade Day
National Love Our Children Day
No Housework Day
Tangible Karma Day
World Health Day (UN)
World Health Organization Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 08

Buddah Day (Historical Birth Date)
Draw A Bird Day
International Roma Day
National Dog Fighting Awareness Da
y
Trading Cards For Grown-ups Day

MONDAY, APRIL 09

Appomattox Day
Jenkins Ear Day
Jumbo Day (Elephant
s came to US and created the word for “jumbo” meaning “big” in our language.)
National Cherish An Antique Day
National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day
Winston Churchill Day

ON THIS DAY

1778: New Orleans businessman Oliver Pollock created the dollar symbol ($) by adding a vertical line through a capital “S.”

1853: Cincinnati became the first U.S. city to pay firefighters a regular salary.

1866: Congress passed a civil rights law guaranteeing equal rights to all persons born in the United States except Indians.

1889: The first commercial dishwashing machine in America was sold in Chicago.

1963: The soap opera “General Hospital” debuted on daytime television. The wedding of Luke and Laura in 1981 drew the largest audience ever to watch a daytime soap. (audio clip)

1967: The Country Music Hall of Fame opened in Nashville, a glass and brick museum shaped like a barn. The first inductees: Jimmie Rodgers, Hank Williams, Fred Rose, Ernest Tubb, Roy Acuff, and Tex Ritter.

1976: After Steve Jobs sold his Volkswagen and Steve Wozniak sold his programmable calculator, the two pooled their $1,350, created a computer circuit board in Jobs’ garage, and formed Apple Computer.

1985: Sports Illustrated carried a profile of a New York Mets wonderkid named Sidd Finch who could throw a baseball 168 miles an hour. Readers should have recognized an April Fool’s joke by the by-line: author George Plimpton, widely known for his hoaxes.

1990: It became illegal in Salem, Oregon, to be within two feet of a nude dancer.

1991: Doll doctor Cherie Gervais of San Rafael, California, closed her doll hospital after 18 years because of the rising cost of medical care. She continued to doctor dolls from her home.

1997: Russia’s Tass news agency reported that an alligator named Gena, hatched from a quail’s egg aboard the Mir space station, had bitten a U.S. astronaut. It was Tass’s best April Fool’s Day story.

1998: When a pit bull jumped a fence and attacked Bonnie, her German shepherd, 39-year-old Belinda Bechtold of Woodbridge, New Jersey, jumped in to save her dog. The pit bull finally let go of Bonnie’s neck when Belinda bit his ear as hard as she could. Bonnie had to have stitches, Belinda suffered scraped knees and a dislocated thumb.

2003: An ice cream maker in Fredonia, New York, introduced his newest flavor, suffering succotash. Scott Aldrich mixed corn and lima beans with vanilla ice cream and threw in pimentos for color. For more than 20 years, the Aldrich Beef and Ice Cream Parlor has made a bizarre flavor to honor April Fool’s Day.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1548: Parliament orders the publication of the Book of Common Prayer (BCP). Though Thomas Cranmer is rightly credited with the final form of the BCP, he worked with a committee of scholars, including Reformer Martin Bucer, to shape his famous liturgy.

1745: David Brainerd begins his missionary work among the Native Americans of New Jersey, having previously worked in Massachusetts and Pennsylvania. The New Jersey natives showed more interest than most, but Brainerd died of tuberculosis only two years into his work there. Still, his diary, published by Jonathan Edwards, became a major force in promoting missions work, inspiring missionaries like William Carey, Henry Martyn, and Thomas Coke.

1756: First Moravian missionaries arrive in Jamaica. It was the Moravians who led the Protestant church back to a recollection of their responsibility to preach the gospel to those who had never heard the good news. Moravians on shipboard led John Wesley to a true understanding of the gospel.

1860: American Baptist Free Mission Society Jonathan Goble and his wife arrive at Kanagawa Japan, some of the first Protestant missionaries to enter Japan

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Being Human”, “Cavemen”, Jimmy Olson in Superman Returns) Sam Huntington 36

  • actress (“Smallville”, “The Huntress”, “Nash Bridge”, 48 Hours, Superman 3) Annette O’Toole 65

  • Actress (Love Story, “Dynasty”) Ali MacGraw is 79

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1866 : Ferruccio Busoni

1897 : Lucille Bogan

1932 : Debbie Reynolds

1934 : Jim Ed Brown (The Browns)

1939 : Rudolph Isley (The Isley Brothers)

1942 : Alan Blakely (The Tremoloes)

1942 : Frank Gari

1943 : Phil Margo (The Tokens)

1944 : Ronnie Lane (The Small Faces, The Faces)

1945 : John Barbata (Jefferson Airplane)

1948 : Jimmy Cliff

1954 : Jeff Porcaro (Toto)

1961 : Mark White (ABC)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

WHY DO WE CELEBRATE APRIL FOOLS DAY?

Truth is we really don’t know where the tradition of playing pranks on people came from. There are a few theories floating around though.

When the western world used the Julian calendar, the year began on March 25th because they celebrated the start of a new year with the start of spring. However since that fell in the Holy Week, the celebrated it on the first of April. However when we switched to the Gregorian calendar in the 1500s, we moved the New Year to the first of January. According to the most widely told story, those who still celebrated the New Year on April 1st were called April fools.

The Encyclopedia of Religion and the Encyclopedia Britannica thinks that the timing of April Fool’s Day is directly related to the arrival of Spring, when nature ‘fools’ humans with erratic weather.

The Country Diary of Garden Lore has a theory that April Fools Day commemorates “the fruitless mission of the rook (the European crow) who was sent out in search of land from Noah’s flood-surrounded ark.”

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

*****NOTE: THIS FEATURE WILL BE TAKING A BREAK FROM MARCH 31 THRU APRL 16. IT WILL RETURN TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2018.*****

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson and all of the Razzleflabbins were running away, terrified of The Plaid Guy! Marvy was running so hard and was so scared that he even dropped his teddy-bear – but then he fell down, and before he could get up, the Plaid Guy was right on top of him!

CLOSE: Well… it’s good to know that The Plaid Guy is actually a friendly guy… but you have to wonder… living alone all these years, how good can his seven cup salad really be? We’ll find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
They were arrested, mugshotted, and forced to give DNA samples.  And they were only twelve years old!

British police officers in a small town in England arrested, photographed and DNA-sampled three twelve-year-old kids recently.  What terrible crime could these kids have committed to get mug shots and mouth swabs for DNA samples from the cops?  Oh, and they served two hours in jail.  So what horrendous crime did they commit?  They climbed a tree. Yes.  They climbed it.  A cherry tree.  And, according to the police report, they were seen damaging the tree as they climbed it.  Translation: a few limbs cracked, as they tend to do when a kid climbs a tree.  ***MARLAR: Wow, summer just got a lot less fun.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CAR IS A LEMON

10. It has an orange slow moving vehicle sign on the back.

9. Your mechanic pays YOU to take it somewhere else

8. Its picture keeps showing up in ads for auto insurance

7. The warranty is in pencil with many words crossed out

6. The birds won’t even go near it (We’ll leave it at that…)

5. You leave the car downtown overnight and someone adds a radio and hubcaps

4. Instead of being named after a horse it is named after a species of slug

3. You decide to buy wading boots to get through the oil spots on your driveway

2. Manual suggests screaming “Yabba dabba doo” as you slap your feet to the pavement

1. Two Words: Manual Airbag

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man calls the fire department, but ends up in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: A three-person fire crew in Kingman, Arizona, went to Jeffrey Cullen’s home when he reported a tree fire. But they found no blaze. Instead, Cullen told firefighters he wanted a cat rescued from his tree and knew they would only respond to a fire call. A battalion chief told Cullen to call animal control or wait for the cat to get hungry and come down. Cullen apparently didn’t like the response, so he went back into his house, got a small revolver and came outside shooting. The firefighters and a 12-year-old boy who had come to see the fire truck ran for their lives. No one was injured and Cullen has been charged.  ***MARLAR: No word on the cat in the tree.

FILE #2: Police in Daytona Beach are investigating the burglary of a home. That home belongs to Daytona Beach’s police chief. The burglary apparently took place while the chief was away giving a lecture on crime prevention.

FILE #3: You don’t have to get up too early to fool some criminals. Police in South Africa decided to throw a party with celebrity guests, top entertainment and prizes for all those with invitations. As you may have guessed, all those with invitations were nearly 200 of the country’s most wanted crooks. 20 of them bit on it and their prizes included mug shots and fingerprints.

STRANGE LAW: Portland, Maine, shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

It’s easy for the police to nab you when you’re sitting there waiting for them. 

Police had an easy time catching a man suspected of driving under the influence. He was waiting for them in his car – where they said he was passed out in the driver’s seat in the drive-thru at a fast food restaurant.  According to police, another customer found the Houston man unconscious at the drive-thru around 3 a.m. Thursday. The other customer took the keys out of the ignition and called police, who arrested the man on suspicion of driving under the influence.  Police said the man passed out because of a combination of alcohol and prescription drugs.

PHONER PHUN

Favorite April Fool’s Day pranks. Tell us about a prank you pulled on someone else or, one you heard was pulled on someone, or better yet, one that someone pulled on you that was successful!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said, “First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for you all, that your faith is spoken of throughout the whole world.”?

ANSWER: Paul (Romans 1:8)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Which weighs more – a pound of feathers or a pound of gold?

ANSWER: Sounds like a trick question for April Fool’s Day, right? It’s not. In reality, a pound of feathers weighs more than a pound of gold. Feathers are weighed by avoirdupois weight which has 16 ounces to the pound. Gold is weighed by troy weight which has 12 ounces to the pound. So, a pound of feathers weighs four ounces more than a pound of gold.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In 1855, dentist Robert Arthur was the first to use lead to fill cavities. (False – he was the first to use gold.)

2. The rate of triplets are one set in every 490,000 births. (False – that’s for quadruplets.)

3. On Neptune, a year lasts 65 Earth years. (False – 165 Earth years)

4. Some herons in Japan use insects as bait rather than food. (True – they pick up insects and cast them on the water, luring fish up to be speared by the herons’ beaks.)

5. It’s estimated that 80% of direct mail advertising is thrown away without it being opened. (False, 40%)

6. The movie “Jaws” was based on true events. (True – although loosely. The story was based on the Jersey Shore shark attacks of 1916, in which four people were killed and one was seriously injured.)

7. The average popping temperature for popcorn is around 347° Fahrenheit. (True)

8. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is to keep horses from walking up them. (True. In the old days, fire engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. So spiral staircases were installed.)

9. Non-dairy creamer is flammable. (True.)

10. Texas is the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

NFL TO BECOME ________ FOOTBALL LEAGUE (FLAG)

The NFL is changing its rules to outlaw tackling.  It will now be a flag football league.

The NFL has been under a great deal of pressure to make the game safer.   NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell met with President Barack Obama last week.  In closed door discussions, the President told Goodell that football was much too violent and that Goodell had to do something about the violence or the President said, “I will.”

So, the NFL announced the most drastic rule change in the history of the sport.  It has banned tackling.

“It’s just too dangerous out there for our players,” Goodell reportedly told ESPN.    ”There’s too many injuries, too many negative health issues for our players as they get older.   And, frankly, the lawsuits from former players are having a negative impact on the league.”

The NFL feels that fans will grow to love the new flag football league.  ”The game is essentially the same,” said an NFL insider.  ”Players still run, pass and kick.  There is tackling – but instead of hitting a player, you grab a flag.  The fans may love the game even more, because there will be more finesse to the game. We are excited about it.”

But the league’s all-time leading rusher, Emmitt Smith, thinks the NFL should have its own head examined.

“They’ve absolutely lost their minds,”  Smith said.  Many other players echoed Smith’s sentiment. There were also major protests from fans in every city across the country.

Senators from 12 states said they would bring the matter up on the Senate Floor.  But they are not hopeful that they can change the NFL’s mind.  ”President Obama doesn’t want tackling in football and he has said he will do everything in his power to take the NFL down if it doesn’t ban tackling,” said a Senator from Wisconsin.  ”The NFL really has no choice.”

So, get ready for your Fantasy Flag Football League!

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete said to the salesman, “We really like it, but I don’t think we can afford it.”

The salesman said, “You just make a small down payment, and then you don’t make another payment for six months.”

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, “Hey, who told you about us?”

JOKE #2

“Mr. Clark, I’m afraid I have bad news,” the doctor told his anxious patient. “You only have six months to live.”

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. “I can’t possibly pay you in that time.”

“Okay,” the doctor said, “let’s make it nine months.”

JOKE #3

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, “Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever

seen.”

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, “You know … I think I just heard a discouraging word.”

USELESS FACTS

Interesting idea at a library in Kentucky. If kids have a late fee they can pay it off by reading books.  ***Isn’t that how the late fees occurred to begin with?

A Men’s Health poll found 50% of men think it’s possible to love more than one woman at a time.  ***In a related study, it was found that 50% of men were discovered to be delusional.

FEATURED FUNNIES

FOOTBALL FAN TO THE RESCUE

Two boys are playing football when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young Chicago Bears Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Bears fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in Chicago, I just assumed you were.” said the reporter and starts again. “Little Cubs Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” he continued writing in his notebook.
“I’m not a Cubs fan either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Bears or Cubs. What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Green Bay Packers fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Cheese Head Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Are there loopholes in the anti-smoking laws? Some people in Minnesota may have found one!

The Minnesota Department of Health declared that bars that hold “Theater Nights” are in violation of the state’s strict anti-smoking law. The law bans smoking in most public places except theaters where actors in plays have to smoke. So some bars have been declaring “Theater Nights,” and claiming that all the customers are actors involved in an improv theatrical performance, and their cigarettes are props. A state official called it an obvious attempt to circumvent the “Freedom to Breathe Act.”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

“Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. Stop criticizing others, or it will all come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven. If you give, you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full measure.” Luke 6:37-38. It is no accident that the word forgive comes from the word give. Jesus taught both principles in conjunction with each other. If you forgive, you will receive forgiveness. If you give, others will also give to you. The spirits of forgiveness and giving are opposite from the spirits of the devil. People in the world lash out at anyone who mistreats or abuses them. Jesus said, however, “God blesses you who are hated and excluded and mocked and cursed because you are identified with me, the Son of Man. When that happens, rejoice! Yes, leap for joy! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. . ..” (Luke 6:22-23). He also encouraged His disciples to love, do good, and pray for those who mistreated them (vv. 27-28). In the same passage He continued, saying, “Give what you have to anyone who asks you for it; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back” (v. 30). You are called to be God’s channel of mercy. He wants to use you to pour His grace and blessing upon the world. You must not block that flow through unforgiveness or stinginess. You must let forgiveness and giving flow. When you do, God will bless you, “full measure, pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, and running over” (Luke 6:38). Give and forgive. “Then your reward from heaven will be very great….” (v. 35).

–By Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

HOW TO FAIL SUCCESSFULLY

Read: 1 John 1:5-2:2

If anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. —1 John 2:1

Inventor Charles Kettering has suggested that we must learn to fail intelligently. He said, “Once you’ve failed, analyze the problem and find out why, because each failure is one more step leading up to the cathedral of success. The only time you don’t want to fail is the last time you try.” Kettering gave these suggestions for turning failure into success: (1) Honestly face defeat; never fake success. (2) Exploit the failure; don’t waste it. Learn all you can from it. (3) Never use failure as an excuse for not trying again. Kettering’s practical wisdom holds a deeper meaning for the Christian. The Holy Spirit is constantly working in us to accomplish “His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13), so we know that failure is never final. We can’t reclaim lost time. And we can’t always make things right, although we should try. Some consequences of our sins can never be reversed. But we can make a new start, because Jesus died to pay the penalty for all our sins and is our “Advocate with the Father” (1 John 2:1). Knowing how to benefit from failure is the key to continued growth in grace. According to 1 John 1:9, we need to confess our sins—it’s the first step in turning our failure into success. —Dennis De Haan

Onward and upward your course plan today,
Seeking new heights as you walk Jesus’ way;
Heed not past failures, but strive for the prize,
Aiming for goals fit for His holy eyes. —Brandt

Failure is never final for those who begin again with God.

LEFTOVERS

GREATEST APRIL FOOLS DAY JOKES OF ALL TIME

In 1992 National Public Radio’s Talk of the Nation program announced that Richard Nixon, in a surprise move, was running for President again. His new campaign slogan was, “I didn’t do anything wrong, and I won’t do it again.”

In 1965 BBC TV featured an interview with a professor who had just invented a device called “smellovision.” This miraculous technology allowed viewers to experience directly in their own home aromas produced in the television studio. The professor offered a demonstration by cutting some onions and brewing coffee. A number of viewers called in to confirm that they distinctly experienced these scents as if they were there in the studio with him. Since no aromas were being transmitted, whatever these viewers thought they smelled coming out of their TV sets must be chalked up to the power of suggestion.

In 1996 the Taco Bell Corporation announced that it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. Incidentally, Taco Bell also reported as fact that sales increased by $500,000 on April 1st and $600,000 on April 2nd over the prior week’s same day sales.

In 1993 a German radio station announced that officials in Cologne had just passed an unusual new city regulation. Joggers going through the park would be required to pace themselves to go no faster than six mph. Any faster, it was felt, would unnecessarily disturb the squirrels who were in the middle of their mating season.

In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a “Left-Handed Whopper” specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, “many others requested their own ‘right handed’ version.”

In Canada, CHEZ FM fooled the listeners one April Fools Day making listeners believe that it was the last day that the treasury would honor all the two-dollar bills still in circulation. The same year they had people going through their change looking for the mysterious two-dollar coins that had mistakenly been minted from real gold.

On 1 April 1957 on BBC’s show Panorama opened with a line about Spring coming early this year, prompting the spaghetti harvest in Switzerland to be early as well. In the normal news manner, spaghetti’s oddly uniform length was explained as the result of years of dedicated cultivation. The report stated that the ravenous spaghetti weevil had been conquered.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Are you scared of a society without cash? A paperless, coinless society? It’s already happened in Pennsylvania.

… at least, for lunch period. A fingerprint identification program used in three Pennsylvania school districts allows pupils to pay for cafeteria lunches without carrying cash. Students place their index fingers on small scanners, and a template matches them with their electronic print. ***MARLAR: So now, instead of the bullies threatening you with a knuckle sandwich to get your lunch money, they just steal your knuckles.

JUST FOR FUN

APRIL FOOL’S TRIVIA

In France, April Fools day is called “Poisson d’Avril” meaning April Fish. The tradition is that French children will tape paper fish to the backs of their friends. When they would discover the fish on their back, the prankster would yell “Poisson d’Avril!” The origin of this is unknown.

In Scotland the April fool is called April “gowk” which is Scottish for cuckoo. The Cuckoo is an emblem of simpletons.

An April Fool is defined as: “One who is sportively imposed upon by others on the first day of April.”

Websters Dictionary defines a fool as: 1. One destitute of reason, or of the common powers or understanding; an idiot, a natural. 2. A person deficient in intellect, one who acts absurdly, or pursues a course contrary to the dictates of wisdom, one without judgment; a simpleton; a dolt. 3 One who acts contrary to moral and religious wisdon; a wicked person. 4. One who counterfeits folly; a professional jester or buffoon, a retainer formerly kept to make sport, dressed fantastically in motley, with ridiculous accouterments.

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU NEED A NEW COMPUTER

  • It’s been three days since you started booting up

  • Your monitor is the size of a washing machine

  • And they now have color monitors, you know

  • Letters on keyboard are in Babylonian

  • When you try to connect your iPod to your computer, it says “Ewwww”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

START YOUR ENGINES!

Is breakfast REALLY the most important meal of the day?


Just like a car needs gas, your body also needs fuel to run properly. Breakfast is the best way to jump-start you for the day. Breakfast gives you a great opportunity to fortify yourself with calcium, complex carbohydrates, protein, and other essential nutrients. In fact, you may even feel the need for less food overall if you regularly eat a good breakfast. But beware! A heavy, fat-laden breakfast can literally weigh you down for the rest of the day and may lead to heartburn or increased cholesterol in your body. Make a few wise choices and you can start your day healthier and feel great, too.

APRIL FOOLS!

The web site Hoaxes.org is out with their annual list of the top 100 hoaxes from history. From a romance between Margaret Thatcher and Mikhail Gorbachev in the 80s to Taco Bell’s purchase of the Liberty Bell in the 90s, the site has a complete look at the best of the best hoaxes. http://hoaxes.org/aprilfool/P90

On this day in 1700, English pranksters begin popularizing the annual tradition of April Fools’ Day by playing practical jokes on each other. Although the day, also called All Fools’ Day, has been celebrated for several centuries by different cultures, its exact origins remain a mystery. Some historians speculate that April Fools’ Day dates back to 1582, when France switched from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar. Historians have also linked April Fools’ Day to ancient festivals such as Hilaria, which was celebrated in Rome at the end of March and involved people dressing up in disguises. In modern times, people have gone to great lengths to create elaborate April Fools’ Day hoaxes. Newspapers, radio and TV stations and Web sites have participated in the April 1 tradition of reporting outrageous fictional claims that have fooled their audiences. http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/april-fools-tradition-popularized

This April Fools’ Day, don’t let the kids get the best of you. It’s time to play a few funny tricks on them. After all, adults can get in on the silliness, too! http://www.parenting.com/gallery/family-friendly-april-fools-day-pranks

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I was so tempted to tell my boss today “I quit!”, but I was afraid he’d be happy about it and not give me enough time to say “April Fool!” — Darren Marlar

“To be or not to be… that is the question.” Unless you want French fries, in which case the question is “Can I have fries with that?” –Skyf Kentry

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


MARCH 30, 2018…

Ready Player One—Steven Spielberg directs this film that is based on an Ernest Cline novel from 2011. It is a science fiction film, set in 2045 and in a world where the reality everyone lives in is just too hard to bear. People live in barren cities and use a virtual reality world to exist. The outside world is something like “Blade Runner.”  Enter Mark Rylance (remember him from “Dunkirk”) as the man who is head of the Oasis Corporation, along with Simon Pegg. In Mark’s later years. they set up a game called “Anorak,” supposed to be unsolvable. Well, tell that to teens. If you win the game, you get an enormous amount of money and life away from this present place. Now,  everyone goes to solve the game, so if you don’t play, it means, you like to remain just where you are. “Ready Player One” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

Acrimony—Taraji P. Henson, who makes a name for herself in the television series, “Empire,” now plays a betrayed wife in Tyler Perry’s newest film, “Acrimony.” Woe to the husband, played by Lyriq Bent. Also in the cast is Crystie Stewart. “Acrimony” is rated R. No rating.

Loveless (opening in select cities)—A husband and a wife (Boris and Zenya) quarrel all the time. They don’t seem to notice their son, Alyosha.  One day, after a heated argument, they notice the boy is missing A massive search begins, and in the meantime, how does the couple deal with this enormous loss—a missing child. “Loveless” is rated R. Rating of 2. Subtitles.

APRIL 06, 2018…

You Were Never Really Here has Joaquin Phoenix in a thriller about a kidnapped young woman.

Blockers is a comedy starring John Cena about a father trying to stop his daughter from serious dating.

A Quiet Place has John Krasinski as the actor/writer/director of this thriller that also stars his wife, Emily Blunt. Keep quiet when the prowlers come.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.