April 02, 2015: Thursday ONAIRprep

 

CLICK HERE FOR A .DOC VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20150402

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

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Radio doesn’t pay well – so I’m thinking about getting into dealing meth. Anyone know the best way to capture cow farts?

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

All your words are true; all your righteous laws are eternal. — Psalm 119:160

 

He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all. — Isaiah 53:5-6

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

When he [Judas] was gone, Jesus said, “Now is the Son of Man glorified and God is glorified in him.” — John 13:31

 

Thought: In the powerful old hymn “Beneath the Cross of Jesus,” we sing “my glory all the cross.” That was genuinely true of Jesus. While other human leaders try to find glory in all sorts of ways, Jesus’ path to glory was the cross, because he was not after acclaim, but wanted to obey and glorify the Father! When Judas left the Last Supper, the final stages of the process was set in motion that would bring Jesus to the horrors of Calvary. But rather than seeing the cross as his degradation, it was his way of glorifying God.

 

Prayer: Dear Lord, please forgive me for seeking the approval and recognition of others. Forgive me for being so self-centered. Forgive me for thinking of my glory and not yours. Forgive me when I have trampled on the hearts of others because I was so busy gaining attention for myself. Jesus’ example in the last week of his life shocks me back to reality and helps me realize that true greatness is found in serving you, completely, no matter the cost. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

Ephesians 4:2 NIV = Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – APRIL 02, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 268 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

This is BE KIND TO SPIDERS WEEK. So here are a few “true or false” questions about our eight-legged friends.

  1. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than a poisonous spider. (True)
  2. On average people fear spiders more than they do death. (True)
  3. The Cleveland Indians baseball team was originally called the Cleveland Spiders. (True)
  4. Each spider has its own distinct web pattern. While webs differ from spider to spider, an individual spider will always spin the exact same web. (False)
  5. A spider has transparent blood. (True)
  6. The venom in a Daddy Long Legs spider is more poisonous than a Black Widow or a Brown Recluse, but they can’t bite humans because their jaws won’t open wide enough. (True)

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

International Children’s Book Day

National Ferret Day

National Love Your Produce Manager Day

National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day

Reconciliation Day

World Autism Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, APRIL 03

Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day

Find a Rainbow Day

Pony Express Day

Tweed Day

Weed Out Hate: Sow The Seeds of Greatness Day

Hospital Admitting Clerks Day

National Walk To Work Day

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 04

Every Day is Tag Day

International Pillow Fight Day

International Day for Mine Awareness & Assistance in Mine Action

National Love Our Children Day

Passover

Tangible Karma Day

Victims of Violence Wholly Day

Vitamin C Day

World Rat Day

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 05

Easter

National Deep Dish Pizza Day

Plum Pudding Day (Eaten on Easter. If eaten on Dec 25th it’s considered “Christmas Plum Pudding” – but it’s the same recipe for either day.)

 

MONDAY, APRIL 06

Army Day

New Beers Eve

Drowsy Driver Awareness Day

Dyngus Day

Hostess Twinkie Day

International Day of Sport For Development and Peace

National Student Athlete Day

Charlie the Tune Day

Tartan Day

Tater Day (Sweet Potatoes)

Teflon Day

White House Easter Egg Roll

 

TUESDAY, APRIL 07

Day of Remembrance of the Victims o Rwanda Genocide

International Beaver Day

International Snailpapers Day

Metric System Day

National Beer Day

National Sexual Assault Awareness Month’s Day of Action (SAAM)

No Housework Day

World Health Day (UN)

World Health Organization Day

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 08

Draw a Bird Day

International Roma Day

National Dog Fighting Awareness Day

Trading Cards For Grown-Ups Day

 

THURSDAY, APRIL 09

National Alcohol Screening Day

National Cherish An Antique Day

National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day

Appomattox Day

Jenkins Ear Day

Winston Churchill Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1894: English philanthropist William D. Longstaff died at age 72. He wrote the hymn “Take Time to Be Holy.”

 

1902: The first motion picture theatre opened in Los Angeles. The Electric Theatre charged a dime to see an hour’s news reel, including the films, “The Capture of the Biddle Brothers” and “New York in a Blizzard.”

 

1924: U.S. patent #1,528,202 was issued for the Flat Tire Alarm. It was a steel spring device which, when fastened to each wheel on a car, would make a loud clacking noise if a tire lost too much air.

 

1941: In pro football’s biggest trade, Bert Bell and Art Rooney traded the Philadelphia Eagles to Alexis Thompson for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Yep, they traded franchises.

 

1942: At RCA Victor studios in Hollywood Glenn Miller and His Orchestra recorded “American Patrol.”

 

1964: The Beach Boys recorded “I Get Around.”

 

1974: Robert Opel streaked naked across the stage at the Academy Awards. Actor David Niven, who was on stage, adlibbed, “Just think, the only laugh that man will probably ever get is for stripping and showing his shortcomings.”

 

1978: “Dallas” debuted on CBS Television. It starred Larry Hagman as J.R. Ewing, Linda Gray as Sue Ellen, Barbara Bel Geddes as Miss Ellie, Patrick Duffy as Bobby, Victoria Principal as Pam, Charlene Tilton as Lucy, and Jim Davis as Jock. (audio clip)

 

1980: Toshiaki Shirai and Yukiko Nagata set the world underwater kissing record in Tokyo with a very wet kiss of two minutes 18 seconds.

 

1984: John Thompson became the first black coach to lead his team to the NCAA college basketball championship. Georgetown’s Hoyas defeated Houston 84-75 in Seattle for the win.

 

1992: Mob boss John Gotti was convicted in New York of murder and racketeering. He was later sentenced to life in prison.

 

1995: Author Norman Mailer, writing in the New Yorker, quoted KGB officials who said when Lee Harvey Oswald went hunting in Russia, he couldn’t hit anything.

 

1996: A Chinese dinosaur egg believed to be 100 million years old sold at auction in Vienna for $4,500.

 

1999: The Labor Department reported that the nation’s unemployment rate fell to a 29-year low of 4.2 percent in March 1999.

 

2001: A computer engineer in Coppull, England, found a live mouse inside the casing of a faulty PC’s hard drive. Gary Taylor said the creature caused the machine to short circuit by chewing through wires to make a nest. He thinks the rodent may have crawled into the computer through a tiny hole at the back.

 

2007: In Langley, Washington, Alden Couch went for a drive in his ’81 Impala to celebrate his 101st birthday. He would breeze through his state driver’s license test, including the dreaded parallel parking, a few days later. He limited his driving to South Whidbey Island — “The mainland is too wild” — and drives mostly to nearby Langley, to the grocery store, the gas station, and the senior center for lunch and a game of dominos. His new license expires in 2012.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

742: Charlemagne (Charles the Great) is born. When Pope Leo III crowned him “Emperor of the Romans” on Christmas Day, 800, Charlemagne announced, “Our task [as secular ruler] is externally, with God’s help, to defend with our arms the holy Church of Christ against attacks by the heathen from any side and against devastation by the infidels and, internally, to strengthen the Church by the recognition of the Catholic faith.” Indeed, within his kingdom he was far more influential in church affairs than the pope. Charles appointed and deposed bishops, directed a revision of the text of the Bible, instituted changes to the liturgy, set rules for life in the monasteries, and sent investigators to dismiss priests with insufficient learning or piety.

 

1872: Death of Samuel F. B. Morse, a prime agent in the invention of the telegraph. A Christian, the first official message he sent was, “What hath God wrought?”

 

1877: Fundamentalist Baptist evangelist Mordecai Ham is born in Allen County, Kentucky. At the end of his ministry, he claimed one million converts—including Billy Graham, who made a declaration of faith at a 1934 Ham meeting in Charlotte, North Carolina.

 

1914: Three hundred Pentecostals meet at the Grand Opera House in Hot Springs, Arkansas, for a ten-day conference. Though originally intended merely to organize annual conferences, by its close, the conference had birthed the Assemblies of God, Pentecostalism’s largest denomination.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor Chris Meloni (“Law & Order SVU”, Man of Steel) 54
  • actor (“Legacy”, “Sweet Valley High”) Jeremy Garrett 39

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1912 : Herbert Mills

1917 : Lou Monte

1928 : Serge Gainsbourg

1938 : Warner Mack

1939 : Marvin Gaye
1941 : Leon Russell

1943 : Glen Dale (The Fortunes)

1946 : Kurt Winter (The Guess Who)

1947 : Emmylou Harris

1947 : Emmylou Harris

1952 : Dave Bronze (Procol Harum)

1952 : Leon Wilkerson (Lynyrd Skynyrd)

1953 : David Robinson (The Cars)

1961 : Keren Jane Woodward (Bananarama)

1967 : Greg Camp (Smash Mouth)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How did the name Oscar (Academy Award) originate?

An Academy librarian and eventual executive director, Margaret Herrick, thought the statuette resembled her Uncle Oscar and said so. As a result, the Academy staff began referring to it as “Oscar”. By the sixth Awards Presentation in 1934, Hollywood columnist Sidney Skolsky used the name in his column in reference to Katharine Hepburn’s first Best Actress win. The Academy itself didn’t use the nickname officially until 1939. It had been referred by industry insiders and members of the press as “the Academy statuette,” “the golden trophy” or “the statue of merit.” The entertainment trade paper, Weekly Variety, attempted to popularize “the iron man.” The term never stuck.
 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

The members of Cloverton say you might smell them coming. They had to endure a 14 hour van ride through Texas and Oklahoma without air conditioning to close out their tour.

 

Tenth Avenue North says their day off in Des Moines, Iowa was a smashing success. The band members walked, ran, and ate Mammoth Burgers. But it was Jeff Owens who did the smashing part. Band members say he was trying to FaceTime with his wife while riding a skateboard and had an epic crash. But not to worry, the guys say Jeff was unharmed by the accident.

 

Chris and Jodi, of Love and the Outcome, are right at home on stage. However Chris says Jodi’s happy place is in the garden. He tweeted a picture of Jodi hard at work in their back yard with the caption Love and the Green Thumb.

 

The Sidewalk Prophets’ Ben McDonald is part of a rare group. He is one of the less than one percent who picked all four final four teams correctly. Just 860 people out of a half million bracket selections on Yahoo picked the correct Final Four teams and Ben was one of them.

 

If you can imagine a merger of Shakespeare and Family Force Five you have a basic idea of what it sounds like when Joel, from for King and Country, recites his favorite Family Force 5 lyrics. Check out the video clip at https://t.co/nQrnqSvDfa.

 

Moriah Peters is having an encouragement chain on her Twitter account. She’s encouraging those who follow her to share some encouragement with the person who replies directly above their post. Log on to @MoriahPeters to add your encouragement. And while you are there you can also check out what others had to say. At last report there were 379 comments of encouraging each other.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Man accused of posing as officer to cut into fast-food line
ODESSA, Texas (AP) — A West Texas man has been charged with impersonating an officer by using sirens and flashing lights to skip to the head of the drive-thru line at a fast-food restaurant. Odessa police say Michael Chico was arrested after an off-duty officer spotted a truck with…

 

Woman charged with stabbing boyfriend after salsa argument
AKRON, Ohio (AP) — A northeast Ohio woman has been charged with felonious assault for allegedly stabbing her boyfriend after yelling at him for eating all of the couple’s salsa. A police report says 61-year-old Ronnie Buckner told officers he was eating salsa with his girlfriend, Phyllis…
Police: Idaho man calls 911 a dozen times about bar bill
POST FALLS, Idaho (AP) — Police say a northern Idaho man called 911 a dozen times to report being overcharged at a bar and now faces a $1,000 fine and a year in jail. Post Falls police Capt. Pat Knight says an officer gave Phillip Poissonnier of Post Falls a ride home after he was kicked out…
10-foot, 300-pound metal rooster goes missing in Athens
ATHENS, Ga. (AP) — Police are searching for whoever made off with Rocket the Rusty Rooster, a 10-foot-tall, 300-pound metal sculpture stolen from its perch outside an Athens business. Lexington Vintage owner Bonnie Harris tells CBS 46 that she’s saddened by the crime, believed to have…
Police: Man crashed truck, stole forklift while intoxicated
FAIRBANKS, Alaska (AP) — Police in Fairbanks, Alaska, say a 21-year-old man drove a stolen forklift more than 3 miles while intoxicated to retrieve a truck he crashed. Police Lt. Matt Soden says just before 6 a.m. Monday, Aleksandr Glushko of Delta Junction drove off a road in a pickup and…
Officials: Pizza shop burglar steals 100 candy bars, cookies
PLEASANTVILLE, Pa. (AP) — State police in northwestern Pennsylvania are looking for a burglar who just may have some cavities — or, at least, a sweet tooth. Troopers from Franklin say whoever broke into Corky’s Pizza Shop overnight Friday into Saturday stole more than 100 chocolate bars…
Man pays fine, avoids jail for missing jury duty 11 times
SOMERSET, Pa. (AP) — A western Pennsylvania man has paid a $500 fine to avoid being jailed for missing jury duty 11 times in the last two years. Somerset County Judge D. Gregory Geary told 32-year-old Owen Fazenbaker III that he’d spend a week in jail if he didn’t pay the fine. Fazenbaker…
After uproar, Utah restaurant statue loses prominent feature    photo
HURRICANE, Utah (AP) — The small southern Utah town of Hurricane might become a little quieter after a statue of a copper bull lost its most prominent private feature this weekend. The sculpture holds a high perch above the sign for Barista’s restaurant, and owner Stephen Ward said he woke up…
4-year-old girl rides Philly bus searching for 3 a.m. snack
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — A 4-year-old Philadelphia girl has been returned safely to her parents after slipping out of her house at 3 a.m. and getting on a transit bus in search of a snack. Bus driver Harlan Jenifer said the girl swung her legs as she chanted, “All I want is a slushie.”…
Girl, 4, sneaks out, hops bus in search of 3 a.m. slushie
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — A 4-year-old girl has grabbed her purple raincoat, slipped out of her house at 3 a.m. and hopped a Philadelphia bus in search of a snack. Bus driver Harlan Jenifer says the girl swung her legs in a seat as she chanted, “All I want is a slushie.” Authorities say the girl’s…
Grandma is a centerfold: Rest home bares all for calendar    photo
AKRON, Ohio (AP) — The stars of a charity calendar are in their 80s and 90s, but that didn’t stop the men and women from an assisted living facility in Ohio from showing a little skin. Miss March, who’s 88, wears a green top hat and not much else in the calendar from Pleasant Pointe Assisted…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Next-generation GMOs: Pink pineapples and purple tomatoes    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Cancer-fighting pink pineapples, heart-healthy purple tomatoes and less fatty vegetable oils may someday be on grocery shelves alongside more traditional products. These genetically engineered foods could receive government approval in the coming years, following the OK…

 

Health providers’ stand could invite other execution methods    photo
SAN DIEGO (AP) — With the American Pharmacists Association taking a stance this week, the medical community is now united in its opposition to playing any role in capital punishment killings. That could make it increasingly difficult for corrections departments to obtain the already scarce…
3-D print technology provides ‘robohand’ to 7-year-old girl    photo
LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. (AP) — Seven-year-old Faith Lennox never thought much about putting a prosthetic limb where her missing left hand had once been. Not until the little girl learned she could design her own, strap it on easily and then jump on her bike and pedal away at speeds previously…
Texas measure cuts HIV funds, boost abstinence education
AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — Texas would cut $3 million from programs to prevent HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases and spend that money instead on abstinence education under a contentious Republican-sponsored measure tucked into the state budget Tuesday night. The GOP-controlled House…
An apple a day may not keep the doctor away, study says    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — An apple a day doesn’t necessarily keep the doctor away. That’s according to proverb-busting research that found daily apple eaters had just as many doctor visits as those who ate fewer or no apples. The findings don’t mean apples aren’t good for you but they do underscore that…
Exercising critically ill patients may help speed recovery    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The intensive care unit is a last frontier for physical therapy: It’s hard to exercise patients hooked to ventilators. Some hospitals do manage to help critically ill patients stand or walk even if they’re tethered to life support. Now research that put sick mice on tiny…
Arizona governor signs abortion drug notification mandate
PHOENIX (AP) — Gov. Doug Ducey signed a bill Monday that requires abortion providers in Arizona to tell women they can reverse the effects of a drug-induced abortion and also bars women from buying any health care plan through the federal marketplace that includes abortion coverage. The…
Britain to offer all infants meningitis B vaccine
LONDON (AP) — Britain says it will become the first country to offer all babies a vaccine for potentially fatal meningitis B after it reached a price deal with GlaxoSmithKline PLC. Government health advisers recommended use of the Bexsero vaccine last year, and the government has spent months…
Struggle to explain what motivated co-pilot in doomed flight    photo
LONDON (AP) — A disgruntled worker shoots up a workplace. A student opens fire at a high school. A pilot crashes a planeload of people into a mountainside. There may never be a convincing explanation for such devastating acts of violence, but experts say certain personality disorders such as…
Mexico double-transplant patient gets US humanitarian pass    photo
MEXICO CITY (AP) — The U.S. Department of Homeland Security gave a 90-day humanitarian pass to a 20-year-old Mexican man seeking a double heart and liver transplant, his mother said Monday. The document, which Jose Chua received and a copy of which was shared with The Associated Press, grants…
Pharmacist group says members shouldn’t aid in executions    photo
SAN DIEGO (AP) — In a move that could heighten the hurdles faced by states attempting to execute prisoners, a leading association for U.S. pharmacists has officially discouraged its members from providing drugs for use in lethal injections. The policy adopted by American Pharmacists…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

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NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Police in Akron, Ohio are searching for a man described as a serial “poopetrator” who has been terrorizing residents by pooping on — and sometimes even in — unsuspecting victims’ cars.  ***MARLAR: Remember when we’d settle for just egging someone’s car?  Apparently those days of innocence are gone.

 

A man told authorities he was able to narrowly escape an intoxicated, machete-wielding man in Delray Beach, Florida by riding off on a lawnmower.  Jose Rodas Flores faces charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and resisting an officer. ***MARLAR: The man was not SHARP enough to explain his actions, BLADING the other for the incident, and was unwilling to CUT his losses and EDGE away – rather choosing to be MOWED down by authorities.

 

PETA has made a public plea to Tim Burton after news broke that he would be directing the upcoming live-action Dumbo movie for Disney. The animal rights organization is asking the director to change the ending by giving the title character a happy ending.  ***MARLAR: Dear PETA – the story is make-believe, no animals were actually harmed in the animated film.  If this has to be explained to you, you’re probably not the right group to protect the rights of animals.

 

An ex-con who had just finished a 15-year robbery sentence has admitted he robbed the same New Jersey shoe store — and the same clerk who was still working behind the counter all these years later.  Christopher Miller robbed the Stride Rite store in Toms River a day after he was released from prison after finishing his jail term for the first robbery. Police say Miller made off with $389 and fled on foot with the employees’ cellphones.  The clerk had been notified about Miller’s release and identified the suspect as the same person who had robbed him at the store in 1999.  ***MARLAR: And there is your explanation right there – he robbed the same guy back in 1999, stealing his phone then as well – so he obviously was in desperate need of a phone upgrade.

 

 

NEWS KICKER KLASSICS…

A recent survey found women spend $125,000 on clothing in a lifetime. Even with that, 60% say they still struggle to find something to wear on a daily basis.

 

Wyoming tops the nation in chewing tobacco use, with nearly 1 in 6 adult men in that state using the product.  Government researchers found men use chew, snuff and other smokeless products at much higher rates than women.  ***MARLAR: Probably because they’re in Wyoming and there’s nothing else to do there.

 

Though parents have been teaching their children not to argue with adults for generations, research from the University of Virginia shows that young teenagers who are taught to argue effectively are more likely to resist peer pressure to use drugs or alcohol later in adolescence.   It turns out that what goes on in the family is actually a training ground for teens in terms of how to negotiate with other people.  ***MARLAR: So the next time your teenager yells at you, red-faced, screaming the word “no” – you can smile and say, “Ooooh… I’m so proud of you!”

 

Americans’ confidence in television news is at a new low, with 21% of adults expressing a great deal or quite a lot of confidence in it. This marks a decline from 27% last year and from 46% when Gallup started tracking confidence in television news in 1993. ***MARLAR: Of course, you’re hearing about this here, because there’s no way TV News is reporting it.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Low Walmart Prices”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Chonda Pierce, “Travel Packing”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals tried to make friends with a giant gorilla who’d been leaving footprints around the jungle – but that didn’t work. And they were so scared they didn’t know what to do… until finally, they stopped and prayed and asked God for help. Suddenly they heard… music!

 

CLOSE: And all the animals foxtrotted happily ever after. Well, at least until sundown. Tune in next time as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 4/5, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the story, Marvy Snuffleson’s doctor told him he had infected tonsils – and that he’s have to have surgery! But Marvy decided not to go through with it, escaped from the hospital, and now he’s floating on a bed on the high seas!
CLOSE: Will Marvy be able to change his mind and go through with the surgery, or will he still have to attend his own funeral? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Not only are the Taliban fighting against us – they’re also fighting against the phone companies!

Some time back, Afghanistan’s Taliban fighters staged attacks on telecom towers that provided cell phone service across the country. Not only did the successful attacks tweak off their fellow countrymen who no longer had phone service, some Taliban fighters now realize they’re starting to miss the convenience of phoning their fellow terrorists. The Taliban is now asking that the phone companies restore service and are promising not to attack the phone towers. As you might guess, the phone companies are skeptical and are hesitant to return. How can a war last so long when the enemy is this stupid?

 

 

TOP TEN

CELEBRITY AND FAMOUS PEOPLE TOP 10 REASONS THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD

 

  1. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

 

  1. Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

 

  1. John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

 

  1. James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

 

  1. Stan Laurel: I’m sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the pen.

 

  1. Groucho Marx: Chicken? What’s all this talk about chicken?  Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken.  My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

 

  1. Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

 

  1. Alfred E. Neumann (MAD Magazine): What? Me worry?

 

  1. Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

    1. Mr. T: If you saw me coming you’d cross the road too!

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Sometimes taking the law into your own hands is not that great of an idea.

 

FILE #1: Phil Swire of Bury, Greater Manchester, UK, decided to paint yellow “no parking” lines outside his business in order to stop cars from parking there.  Well, his plan backfired… because Phil ended up getting a $45 ticket for parking his car within 35 feet of a “no parking zone” when a traffic cop mistook his lines for the real thing.  Phil then decided to go to court to contest the ticket… which was another bonehead move, because now he faces possible prosecution for having painted the lines in the first place.

 

FILE #2: Police in Gilbert, Arizona, say a luckily for him unidentified 42-year-old man posing as a potential car buyer, stole a vehicle from the man who was trying to sell it. And how do the police know? The dunce stole the car in front of a police officer who was being interviewed by a local TV news crew while their cameras were rolling. Police quickly caught up with the guy and the film at 11 will also come in handy at his trial.

 

FILE #3: An 18-year-old man went into a Chicago muffler shop, waved a gun around and demanded money. When the kid was told the money was in a safe and that only the manager knew how to open it and he wasn’t there, he gave the employees his cell phone number and told them to call when the manager arrived so he could open the safe for him. The employees called the cops, who called the kid, who returned and waved his gun around again. The cops later opened a jail cell for him.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Baltimore, Maryland, it’s illegal to take a lion to the movies. ***MARLAR: Sorry, MGM.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

One robber shoots his father during a heist!

The elder half of a father-son robbery team pleaded guilty this week to a beer heist that ended with the dad being accidentally shot in the chest by the son. The 41-year-old father and his son were walking along a Winnipeg (Canada) street, with the dad carrying a hidden sawed-off shotgun in his clothing. The two planned to sell the weapon. Instead, the pair ran into three people who had just come out of a hotel carrying a case of beer. The dad decided to rob them of the booze, but the owner of said booze didn’t want to let go of it. In the ensuing tussle, the dad threw the gun to his son, and the boy fired it toward the man fighting with his father. Instead, the bullet hit his dad in the chest. The father has been sentenced to four years in jail and his son received 18 months probation.  ***MARLAR: Sounds to me like they’d done a little drinking before-hand as well.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What would you stand in line for? To see your favorite band or artist in concert? A particular movie due out (or that you’d like to see come out)? Great deals at some store? What would YOU stand in line several hours to see or do?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said,” In the last days the mountain of the Lord’s temple will be established as chief among the mountains; it will be raised above the hills, and peoples will stream to it.”

ANSWER: The Prophet Micah (Micah 4:1)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

ANSWER: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. Mexico City is the oldest capital city in the Americas. (True)

 

  1. New Jersey is the US state with the greatest number of hazardous waste sites. (True – 96 of them)

 

  1. All gondolas in Venice, Italy must be painted green, unless they belong to a high official. (False – they all must be painted black)

 

  1. At 840,000 square miles, Greenland is the largest island in the world. (True – it is three times the size of Texas. By comparison, Iceland is only 39,800 square miles.)

 

  1. Disney World in Orlando, Florida covers 46 square miles(30,500 acres). (True – making it twice the size of the island of Manhattan, New York.)

 

  1. Spanish was the official language of England for over 600 years. (False – French)

 

  1. China is the world’s leading importer of iron ore. (False – Japan)

 

  1. The Brooklyn Bridge is the world’s largest bridge. (False – it’s Lake Pontchartrain Causeway at New Orleans, Louisiana. It is almost 24 miles long.)

 

  1. Denver, Colorado is the highest large city above sea level in the world. (False, that would be La Paz, Bolivia, at 11,900 feet above sea-level)

 

  1. Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 6 to 8 inches a year. (True, because it’s built on top of an underground reservoir. Wells are drawing out more and more water for the city’s growing population of more than 15 million people.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

____ PLANKTON (FLYING)

Flying plankton, tiny shrimp-like creatures called copepods,  are leaping through the air and attacking fishermen.

The flying plankton typically  break through the ocean’s surface and leap through the air solely to escape predators, but recently they have been attacking fishermen around the world.

Scientists  have been investigating how the brightly-colored Pontellid copepods, which live close to the surface, are so abundant yet so conspicuous to fish.

Scientists say copepods travel further in air than in water. Predators are also left confused about where they will land, they say.

Almost all commercially important fish, including cod, pollock and whiting, feed on copepods.

In recent months, the flying plankton have exhibited unusual behavior.  They have jumped onto unsuspecting fishermen, who don’t notice them at first, and suck their blood.  There have been 27 fishermen that have died from the flying plankton over the last few weeks.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

The Reverend Jones shocked the congregation when he announced his resignation from the church and planned move to Arizona.  After the service a very distraught parishioner came to the pastor with tears in her eyes.  “Oh, Pastor Bill, we are going to miss you so much. We don’t want you to leave!”

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said, “Now, now, Liz, don’t carry on so… The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me.”

“I doubt it”, she sobbed, “That’s what Pastor Mike said when HE left!”

 

JOKE #2

In the English-as-a-second-language class, the teacher explained the difference between a watch and a clock. She told the students that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a watch.


A few days later there was a power outage, and the classroom clocks had not been reset. The teacher asked Luis, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time. Luis looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, “It is exactly ten o’watch.”

 

JOKE #3

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom, decreed: “Okay, I’m ready to hear the evidence. I’ll hear the oldest first.”

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

For Easter, the makers of marshmallow Peeps came out with Sugar-Free Peeps. ***MARLAR: What is that, an empty Peeps box?

 

In a recent poll, Jack the Ripper was named Great Britain’s greatest villain.  ***MARLAR: But Simon Cowell is demanding a recount.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

HAIR TREATMENT

A woman, trying to control her dry hair, treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed her hair several times. That night when she went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, “Do I smell like olive oil?”

“No,” he said, sniffing his wife. “Do I smell like Popeye?”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A beauty queen becomes ugly through her road rage.

Miss Fayetteville, North Carolina, 2007 Jenna Walters faced charges after she was arrested following a road rage incident. Police say she recklessly drove through traffic to harass driver Angela Thomas. Walters allegedly pulled in front of Thomas, blocked her path, then got out of her car, screaming and taunting her. Walters then drove off, only to return moments later from the other direction, bump Thomas’ car and resume screaming, then left again, only to return one more time and bump Thomas’ car from behind and yell some more. And here’s the funny part… not only was she Miss Fayetteville, North Carolina 2007 – ironically she was also voted Miss Congeniality.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

CHURCH SIGNS

  1. You are not too bad to come in. You are not too good to stay out.
    2. Come in and have your faith lifted.
    3. Come in and let us prepare you for your finals.
    4. No matter how much you nurse a grudge it won’t get better.
    5. Everything you always wanted to know about heaven and hell but were afraid to ask.
    6. [At an Arizona church in August] You think it’s hot HERE?
    7. What on earth are you doing for heaven’s sake?
    8. Fight truth decay. . .study the Bible daily.
    9. Where will you be sitting in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?
    10. Come, work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

BREAK THE ROUTINE

Read: Mark 1:32-39

When He had sent the multitudes away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray. —Matthew 14:23

When was the last time you read the Bible while sitting under an oak tree? Have you ever prayed while the cool water of a creek ran across your feet? Wouldn’t it be enjoyable to meditate on God’s Word while watching the sun come up over the horizon?

It’s not possible, of course, for all of us to do all those things—but it is possible for each of us to break the normal routine of our time alone with God. Sometimes, the habits of our devotional life can get in the way of our growing closer to God. In fact, at times they can grow stale and boring.

But there is nothing boring about a God who created the earth in all its splendor and variety. There is no lack of excitement in worshiping a Savior who was willing to die a horrible death for us and pay the penalty for our sins. There is nothing common about being indwelt by the Holy Spirit, who empowers us to accomplish God’s will.

So how do we avoid dry devotional times? By breaking the routine of the usual and adding some variety to our personal time alone with God.

In His worship, Jesus found solitary havens away from the busyness of people and ministry (Mark 1:35). We need to do the same. We need to break the routine. —Dave Branon

 

 

LEFTOVERS

MOTHER-IN-LAW VACATION
If a weeklong vacation with your mother-in-law sounds like fun you need to check out the special deal a British hotel is offering.

Couples staying at the Raven Hall Country House Hotel in North Yorkshire can get a free room for the mother-in-law if they stay six nights themselves. The enterprising hotel is viewing the mother-in-law not as a source of jokes but as a marketing opportunity. And should the arrangement last the full six nights, all those involved can have a seventh night free. The idea behind the promotion comes from the hotel’s sales and marketing manager Matthew Loades, whose own mother-in-law just so happens to run the hotel.  ***MARLAR: Sounds like someone is trying to kiss up to the boss.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Uh oh… looks like being obese has another nasty effect on the body now – dementia and Alzheimer’s!

That spare tire could go straight to your head. Researchers now say that a flabby belly in midlife can increase your risk of developing dementia and Alzheimer’s later on down the road. Past research had suggested that belly fat also increases the risk of developing diseases like diabetes, stroke and heart disease. The good news is that you can reduce the risk if you hit the treadmill now and watch what you eat. As for the numbers, people who were obese, and that’s 30 pounds or more overweight, and had collected a lot of belly fat in their 40s were 3.6 times more likely to develop dementia during their later years. For those who just have a bit of a spare tire, the increased risk was still about 1.8 times.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON VERIZON

Are they EVER going to decide whether or not cell phones cause brain cancer? There’s yet another study.

There’s another cell phone alert being issued. An award-winning cancer expert has issued a report saying that mobile phones could kill far more people than smoking or asbestos. The study says that using handsets for 10 years or more can double the risk of brain cancer. Since cancers take at least a decade to develop, and cell phones have only become commonplace in recent years, studies have been mixed. The doctor admits that mobile phones can save lives in emergencies, but concludes that “there is a significant and increasing body of evidence for a link between mobile phone usage and certain brain tumors” and believes it will be “definitively proven” in the next decade. ***MARLAR: Oh… so he’s not really saying mobile phones WILL cause cancer… it’s just a “definite maybe”. Well, in that case, forget everything I just said.

 

 

FUN LIST

SUREFIRE SIGNS THERE WON’T BE A SECOND DATE

  • Instead of a goodnight kiss, he asks if you’d mind him rifling through your purse for something to remember you by.
  • She establishes the ground rules early in the evening over latte and pepper spray.
  • She leaves you standing outside her door with an immobilizing “goodnight wedgie.”
  • While dancing, he reveals that he’s a recent widower. When you ask how recent, he says, “A week from next Thursday.”

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.

 

Pilot Out of Control

Who among us has not been shocked by the dramatic and devastating act of a German pilot this past week? We are now assured that Andreas Lubitz deliberately brought about the deaths of 150 people aboard the crashed Germanwings flight in France. The pilot had left the cabin for a few minutes and found the door locked upon his return. The rest of the details only leave us with an imagined horror of what took some eight minutes to finish.
We are gradually finding out quite a bit about this Andreas. Apparently he suffered from depression. It was debilitating enough for the 27-year-old to receive treatment. We are aware he had a “sick pass” so he would not need to fly the day of the crash. We know there are reports of vision problems—whether real or psychosomatic.
But standing out about these to me were the comments he purportedly made to a former girlfriend. In her words, he once said he was “planning a heinous act that will be remembered forever.” The woman, dubbed “Maria W,” expanded on this saying, “[He said], ‘One day I will do something that will change the whole system, and then all will know my name and remember it.’ I never knew what he meant, but now it makes sense.”
Lubitz learned to fly gliders at the age of 14. The New York Times reports that Klaus Radke, the president of the glider club, said “When I saw him as an adult compared to a youth, I thought, ‘He really amounted to something.’ He was confident, helpful. I thought, ‘Man, he’s someone who made it.’”
But his adult behavior was not so pleasant to Maria W. She said, “We spoke a lot about work and then he became another person. He became agitated about the circumstances in which he had to work, too little money, anxiety about his contract and too much pressure. During conversations he’d suddenly throw a tantrum and scream at me. I was afraid. He even once locked me in the bathroom for a long time.”
It is impossible to know how much his mental state led Andreas to commit his “heinous act.” What seems apparent, however, is that he was stable enough to make statements about wanting fame. He was rational enough to fly airplanes and function well with associates. And, at times, he apparently sought help. But not enough.
Thus, two very common attributes of human behavior left out of control come into focus: pride and selfishness. These forces, perhaps enhanced by a spiritual battle of which Lubitz was unaware, kept him from two important decisions. The first was to seek more help. The second, was to avoid the totally self focused act of taking the lives of 149 other souls to satisfy his longing to be remembered.
I’ve read nothing that would indicate he had a spiritual life. When the moral constraints of an individual rely solely on one’s own value system, why should we be surprised at such acts? Unless we are willing to be guided by the wisdom, understanding, and discernment that comes from our Creator, we operate on a different moral plane. So to speak.
Proverbs 16:18 (ESV) warns: “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” And as for being remembered, Psalm 34:16 (ESV) states: “The face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.”
May God help those families being tortured by the tragic ending of their loved ones. May God give comfort to the parents and family members of Andreas Lubitz, who also will be tortured by the memory of this terrible act. And may all of us remember that we are capable of acts much worse, were it not for the moral restraints offered us by a loving God.
The Lord is my Light. And my Salvation. Amen.
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

ALTERNATIVE SPRING BREAK IDEAS

  • STUDENTS: You’re in college and money is scarce. Skip the tropical drunk-fest and take a road trip with friends. You’d be surprised how much ground you can cover in a week, and with everyone chipping in gas money, expenses will be minimal.
  • FAMILIES: Airfare costs and lodging can really add up for a family, so for this spring break consider a camping trip. Spring isn’t too early to be sleeping outside, although you’ll want to make sure you have gear for inclement weather; that means warm sleeping bags, a tent that stands up to rain and wind, and plenty of cozy clothing. Crisp mornings and sunny spring weather are good for the soul, as are s’mores cooked over a campfire.
  • PROFESSIONALS: If you need a break from the daily grind but your budget won’t allow a full-onspring break, consider dividing the week between a long weekend away and a “staycation.”
  • ANYONE: Volunteer for a week. Non-profits such as Habitat for Humanity, Cross Cultural Solutions, and United Way offer week-long programs that cater to spring breakers.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends.

Matt Tribe is making good use of a $100 pasta pass. He recently purchased Olive Garden’s $100 never ending pasta pass, allowing him to have unlimited pasta for 7 weeks. But instead of eating the pasta himself, Matt decided to use the pass to feed hundreds of homeless people. Each day he would go to Olive Garden and pick up his pasta. Then he would deliver it to homeless people around his community. He said his goal was to feed more than 100 people and that goal had already been surpassed. http://ow.ly/L4HCf

 

Just when you thought you had everything, the next big thing arrives. Focus on the Family’s John Fuller tweeted an article about the latest, greatest coffee maker. It connects to your home wifi system and can be controlled from your iPhone or Android device. That means you can start brewing a new cup of coffee without ever leaving your bed, or on your way home from work. But John Fuller says no thanks. He says its not on his birthday or Christmas wish list. He says he’ll continue to make his coffee the old-fashioned way. http://ow.ly/Eurpt

 

Something as small as baking cookies can have a huge impact on someone else’s life. That’s the subject of a story in Focus on the Family’s Clubhouse Magazine. It tells the story of a boy in Kansas City named Brent. After seeing a homeless man with a cardboard sign that said please help, Brent asked himself “what can I do?” He eventually decided to start baking cookies and then delivering them to the City Union Mission in Kansas City, Missouri. Soon others from Brent’s middle school chipped in to help, baking 500 cookies for the rescue mission. In fact rescue mission officials say the boys became the unofficial baking crew for the organization. Brent said we weren’t trying to be recognized. We just saw a need and did something about it. http://bit.ly/1CaKYgu

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“Millions who long for immortality do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.” –Susan Ertz

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MARCH 27, 2015…

 

Killing Jesus (National Geographic Channel (television movie)—It isn’t often this critic gets to view a television movie, but it happened.  Adapted from the novel by Bill O’Reilly and  Martin Dugard, the script by Walon Green condenses 33 years of the life of Christ into 133 minutes.  Actually, it is well done. There are familiar parts of scripture and additions, such as what happened to Elizabeth after the birth of John the Baptist. There is a star-studded cast, with many being European actors, but you will recognize Stephen Moyer from “True Blood” or the late John Rhys-Davis as Annas. Haaz Sleiman plays Jesus while Joe Doyle is Judas (and what a part he has), Rufus Sewell is Caiaphas and Kelsey Grammar is King Herod. First showing is Sunday, March 29 on the National Geographic Channel, and watch for other times. “Killing Jesus” could be rated PG 13 or R for violence, especially the Crucifixion. Rating of 4.

 

Home (3 D)—This animated science fiction humorous film is about a little guy (Oh and voiced by Jim Parsons from “The Big Bang Theory”) who has run from his planetary system because he doesn’t blend in.  Well, he lands on Earth and doesn’t blend in there, either. Tip (voice of Rihanna) comes to his rescue with her cat, but the other aliens are on their trail. “Home” is rated PG. Adapted from the book “True Meaning of Smekday” by Adam Rex. Rating of 3 for animation fans.

 

The Salt Of The Earth (opening in select cities)—A documentary on the photographic work of the Brazilian photographer Sebastiano Salgado and directed by Wim Wenders.  A Cannes Film Festival selection, it will be opening slowly around the country.  Expect great cinematography. “The Salt Of The Earth” is rated PG.  No rating.

 

Get Hard—Will Ferrell has really done it…getting caught for tax evasion and going to prison. He wrongly thinks one his friends has been in prison (Kevin Hart) and has Kevin teach him how to behave in prison. Personally, I think Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder did it well in “Stir Crazy.”  Also in the cast are Alison Brie and  Craig T. Nelson.  “Get Hard” is rated R.. No rating.

 

“71” (opening in select cities)—Jack O’Connell is making a name for himself after starring in “Unbroken.” In “71,” and set in 1971, he is a British soldier, caught behind Irish IRA lines in Belfast, and trying to make it home.  There are hit squads after him.  Also in the cast are Paul Anderson and David Wilmot. “71” is rated R. No rating.

 

APRIL 01, 2015…

 

Hillsong: Let Hope Rise—a documentary from the Hillsong Churches of Australia/New Zealand and follows a tour of the Hillsong United singing group.  Film is directed by Michael John Warren. Hill Song (the church) has over 12 locations in Australia/New Zealand. “Hillsong: Let Hope Rise”  is not rated. No rating.

 

APRIL 03, 2015…

 

Furious 7 is a continuation of the car action movies and the last screen appearance of the late Paul Walker. Also stars Vin Diesel.

 

(this opening day may change) Woman In Gold stars Helen Mirren in a fact-based story about a woman trying to retrieve a stolen painting.

 

Danny Collins is a comedy with Al Pacino as an aging rock musician who tries to revive his career.

 

Effie Gray stars Dakota Fanning as Effie Gray, the wife of the famous British painter, John Ruskin.

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.