April 04, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160404

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW), rated PG-13. Parental guidance is suggested for anyone with an I.Q. over 13.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

In Christ we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace. — Ephesians 1:7

 

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. — Hebrews 12:2

 

After he had said this, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, “I tell you the truth, one of you is going to betray me.” — John 13:21

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Where, then, is boasting? It is excluded. On what principle? On that of observing the law? No, but on that of faith. For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law. — Romans 3:27-28

 

Thought: God’s salvation leaves us no room for boasting. We couldn’t live up to the righteous demands of the Law. When we are broken and sinful, God buys our salvation by sending Jesus and having him pay the debt of our sin. We have nothing to boast about except the overwhelmingly generous grace of God and the incredible sacrificial love of our Savior, Jesus.

 

Prayer: Thank you, Father, for redeeming me from the righteous judgment of the Law. Thank you, Jesus, for paying my debt for sin. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for cleansing me and making me holy. Thank you, God, for your incredible grace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Matthew 4:4 NIV = Jesus answered, It is written: ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’

 

 

TODAY IS MONDAY – APRIL 04, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 264 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

HATE WEEK begins today, according to George Orwell’s novel, 1984. *** Gee, there’s a great way to start the day, eh?

 

Today is PIGS BEAT IT DAY.  In 1995 Reuter news service reported that a farmer in Karnataka, India, scared wild pigs away from his crops by playing Michael Jackson tapes. *** It worked on his neighbors too.

 

Today is NATIONAL ENJOY GAINING A POUND DAY.  *** Right, like that’s ever a problem the rest of the year. Gaining weight IS the enjoyable part! Double cheese and pepperoni pizza, 2 pounds of chocolate malt balls in one sitting, 12 cans of soda in a day… heck, how can you NOT enjoy gaining weight! It’s trying to LOSE that weight that a real bummer.

 

Today is NATIONAL WORKPLACE NAPPING DAY, a time to promote napping where you work.  *** I know we had this yesterday as well, but I’m still sleepy.

 

Today is HOKEY POKEY DAY.  In 1996 Larry LaPrise died at age 83 in Wendell, Idaho. In the late 1940s, he wrote “The Hokey Pokey,” still played, danced, and skated by children throughout the world. The first group to do “The Hokey Pokey” were patrons of an Idaho ski lodge. *** Wouldn’t it be sad if you find out that the Hokey Pokey IS what it’s all about?

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

International Day for Mine Awareness & Assistance in Mine Action

National Love Our Children Day

Passover

Square Root Day

Tater Day (It’s Sweet Potatoes)

Victims of Violence Wholly Day

Vitamin C Day

World Rat Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, APRIL 05

Equal Pay Day

National Deep Dish Pizza Day

National Sexual Assault Awareness Mont’s Day of Action (SAAM)

Read a Road Map Day

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 06

Army Day

Charlie the Tuna Day

Drowsy Driver Awareness Day

Hostess Twinkie Day

International Day of Sport for Development of Peace

Childhelp National Day of Hope

National Student Athlete Day

National Walking Day

New Beers Eve

Paraprofessional Appreciation Day

Tartan Day

Teflon Day

Whole Grain Sampling Day

 

THURSDAY, APRIL 07

Day of Remembrance of the Victims of the Rwanda Genocide

International Beaver Day

International Snailpapers Day

Metric System Day

National Alcohol Screening Day

National Beer Day

No Housework Day (known here as Wednesday!)

World Health Organization Day

 

FRIDAY, APRIL 08

Buddah Day

Draw a Bird Day

International Roma Day

National Dog Fighting Awareness Day

Trading Cards For Grown-Ups Day

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 09

National Cherish An Antique Day

National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day

Appomattox Day

Baby Massage Day

“Bring Your Own Cup” Slurpee Day

Jenkins Ear Day

Jump Day

Slow Art Day

Winston Churchill Day

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 10

ASPCA Day

Global Day To End Child Sexual Abuse

National Farm Animals Day

National Sibling Day

Salvation Army Founders’ Day

Safety Pin Day

 

MONDAY, APRIL 11

Barbershop Quartet Day

Education and Sharing Day

International “Louie Louie” Day

International Table Top Day

National Pet Day

National Teach Children To Save Day

Submarine Day

World Parkinson’s Disease Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1915: McKinley Morganfield was born in Rolling Fork, Mississippi. He became one of the great blues rockers, Muddy Waters, known for “Got My Mojo Working” and “Rolling Stone.” He discovered Chuck Berry.

 

1938: After seven years of singing on the radio, Kate Smith began a new noontime talk show.

 

1960: On the same day Elvis Presley recorded “Are You Lonesome Tonight,” RCA became the first record company to begin releasing pop singles simultaneously in both mono and stereo. Its first such release was Elvis’ “Stuck on You.”

 

1964: Twelve of the Billboard Hot 100 songs were by the Beatles, including the top five in order: “Can’t Buy Me Love,” “Twist and Shout,” “She Loves You,” “I Want to Hold Your Hand,” and “Please Please Me.”

 

1967: Johnny Carson quit as host of “The Tonight Show.” He returned three weeks later with a $30,000 a week raise. (audio clip)

 

1967: The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in New York City announced his opposition to the Vietnam War.

 

1968: The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated in Memphis.

 

1974: Hank Aaron of the Atlanta Braves tied Babe Ruth’s home-run record by hitting his 714th homer in Cincinnati.

 

1988: Prudential Insurance lost $11-million in loan repayments because a typist left off three zeros at the end of a million dollar figure.

 

1992: Billionaire Sam Walton, founder of Wal-Mart, died of cancer at 74. His retail store chain helped make him one of the world’s richest men.

 

1995: Reuter news service reported that a farmer in Karnataka, India, scared wild pigs away from his crops by playing Michael Jackson tapes.

 

1996: Larry LaPrise died at age 83 in Wendell, Idaho. In the late 1940s, he wrote “The Hokey Pokey,” still played, danced, and skated by children throughout the world. The first group to do “The Hokey Pokey” were patrons of an Idaho ski lodge.

 

1999: A tanker-truck overturned near Marlborough, Connecticut, and spilled 3,000 gallons of milk. Nobody cried over it, but firefighters had to spend hours cleaning it up.

 

2002: A 16-year-old bank robber in Rochester, New York, has such poor handwriting the teller couldn’t read her note. By the time the teen was handed a bag of money, it was closing time and other employees were locking the doors. The robber wound up trapped in the foyer with the cash, where police captured her.

 

2005: The body of Pope John Paul II lay in state in St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome where millions were expected over the next three days. Cause of death for the 84-year-old pontiff was septic shock and cardio-circulatory failure.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

397: Ambrose of Milan, the most talented bishop of the early church, dies. Biblical exegete, political theorist, master of Latin eloquence, musician, and teacher, he brought Roman Emperor Theodosius I to his knees in repentance after the emperor ordered a massacre of his citizens (This marked the first time the state submitted to the church). But he is perhaps best known for teaching his most famous pupil, Augustine of Hippo.

 

1507: Martin Luther is ordained a priest in Erfurt, Germany.

 

1742: Charles Wesley preaches his famous sermon, “Awake, thou that sleepest,” to the University of Oxford. The sermon soon became Methodism’s most popular tract.

 

1968: Civil rights leader and Baptist minister Martin Luther King, Jr., is assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (American Pie, Scary Movie 2, Blade: Trinity) Natasha Lyonne 37
  • actress (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Grudge, Scooby-Doo) Sarah Michelle Gellar 39
  • Actor (Saving Private Ryan, We Were Soldiers, Roger Maris in *61) Barry Pepper, 46
  • Actress (“The Facts of Life”) Nancy McKeon, 50 (audio clip)
  • actor (The Shaggy Dog, Good Night and Good Luck, Gothika, “Ally McBeal”, Iron Man) Robert Downey Jr. 51
  • Actor (“Coach,” “The District,” the voice of Mr. Incredible in The Incredibles, TV’s “Parenthood”) Craig T. Nelson, 70 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1914 : Frances Langford

1915 : Muddy Waters

1934 : Clive Davis

1936 : Margo Sylvia (The Tune Weavers)

1938 : Michael Parks

1938 : Norro Wilson

1939 : Hugh Masakela

1940 : Sharon Sheeley

1941 : Major Lance

1942 : Kris Jensen

1948 : Carol Douglas

1948 : Berry Oakley (The Allman Brothers Band)

1948 : Pick Withers (Dire Straits)

1950 : Pip Pyle (Gong, Hatfield and the North, National Health)

1951 : Steve Gatlin (The Gatlin Brothers)

1952 : Dave Hill (Slade)

1952 : Gary Moore (Thin Lizzy)

1952 : Pete Haycock (The Climax Blues Band)

1962 : Craig Adams (The Cult)

1964 : Kid (Kid ‘N Play)

1966 : Mike Starr (Alice in Chains)

1972 : Magnus Sveningsson (The Cardigans)

1972 : Jill Scott

1973 : Kelly Price

1974 : Andre Dalyrimple (Soul For Real)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Is it true that animals are colorblind?

You may have heard that a bull never literally “sees red” when the bullfighter waves a cape in his face. It’s the movement of the cape that provokes. Animals, after all, are colorblind. Hold on, not so fast. Birds, for instance, have a marked ability to distinguish colors. They need it to spot food, such as berries, on the ground. On the other hand, most creatures of the night–including the ubiquitous house cat–have little sense of color. But they’re awfully good at picking up movement. So the next time someone tells you that all animals are color blind, tell them that it’s not such a black and white proposition.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

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NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

While a real trip to the red planet might be decades away for NASA astronauts, people on Earth can take a trip to the rusty surface of Mars using Microsoft’s HoloLens technology. According to Mashable.com, NASA will open a new exhibit this summer called “Destination: Mars” at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, featuring a tour of different sites on Mars.  ***Although I wouldn’t bother with it – I got a sneak preview and Matt Damon is nowhere to be found on the planet.

 

William Shatner is being sued for $170-million by a 59-year-old Florida radio host who claims that the “Star Trek” actor is his father. Peter Sloan, who now goes by the name Peter Shatner, says the actor had an affair with his mother in 1956.  ***He says his proof is undeniable – he’s also an egotistical narcissist, is extreme over-actor, and only books hotels through Priceline.com.

 

Chipotle Mexican Grill has applied for a trademark for “Better Burger” as part of a business diversification move to open a burger restaurant chain.  ***Because poisoning Mexican food is only step one towards global fast-food terrorism.

 

Donald Trump says he’d allow “rich Muslims” to enter the U.S. Trump’s proposed temporary ban on Muslims entering the country would apparently not apply to Trump’s wealthy Muslim friends. He explains: “I have a lot of friends that are Muslim and they call me. In most cases, they’re very rich Muslims, OK?”  ***The one-percent taking care of the one-percent!

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

According to a Gallup poll, 46% of Americans believed in Creationism as found in the Bible, 32% believed in theistic evolution (God directing creation over millions of years using evolution) and 15% believed in evolution without any divine intervention.   The statistics seem to mirror opinions from three decades ago, meaning we’ve not really changed our minds one way or the other on this matter.  ***MARLAR: Except for Scientologists, who apparently feel they were never created, but planted next to volcanoes.

 

Depressed patients are more likely to stick with talk therapy if their sessions are conducted over the phone rather than in person.  In a study, about 79 percent of people with depression whom had talk therapy sessions over the phone completed the full 18 weeks of therapy, compared with about 67 percent of patients who met with their therapist in person. People may be more likely to complete their therapy with over-the-phone sessions because they take less time, avoid transportation problems and are less expensive, according to the study.  ***MARLAR: In other words, sitting alone at home with your mobile phone is less depressing than your therapist seeing your sourpuss in person.

 

Doctors have always assumed that both human ears were basically the same. But a UCLA study of babies may change a lot of assumptions about the way the brain works, because it found that the right ear is better at picking up speech-like sounds, while the left ear is better at processing music. ***MARLAR: So one ear is for talking and one is for music…Which ear does rap go into?

 

Though parents have been teaching their children not to argue with adults for generations, research from the University of Virginia shows that young teenagers who are taught to argue effectively are more likely to resist peer pressure to use drugs or alcohol later in adolescence.   It turns out that what goes on in the family is actually a training ground for teens in terms of how to negotiate with other people.  ***MARLAR: So the next time your teenager yells at you, red-faced, screaming the word “no” – you can smile and say, “Ooooh… I’m so proud of you!”

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Energizer Bunny”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Wood, “Engaged/Mother-in-Law”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

CLOSE: Taking a windy day and making the best of it – that sounds like a great plan!  Maybe this time everything will go smoothly with our jungle friends getting together, no one will get upset, and everyone will have a fun day!  Yeah right… you know better than that!  Tune in next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 09/10

 

OPEN: FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As The Jungle Turns!  Last time, Cheetah Bonita decided she didn’t want to sing three-part harmony with her sisters any longer… she wanted to go solo.  But both of her sisters hated that idea – and so did Gruffy Bear.  Music in the jungle just wouldn’t be the same without that three part harmony.  And then, Nozzles the Elephant stopped by…

 

CLOSE: Boy, it’s beginning to look like everybody wants to be solo – and nobody wants to harmonize!  Tune in next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Hey, there are free hugs on the streets of China!  Who wants one?  Apparently, nobody.  

People in China have not warmed up to a “free hugs” campaign aimed at cheering up strangers by hugging them on the street. In fact, the tactic seems so strange that some huggers have been hauled away by police for questioning. The campaign hit the streets of a number of Chinese cities, with participants opening their arms to embrace passers-by and brandishing cards saying “free hugs” and “care from strangers.” But in one incident, police moved in and took away four huggers briefly for questioning, seemingly baffled by their wacky, Western-style activities on a busy downtown shopping street.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SPRING CLEANING TIPS FOR MEN

 

  1. Just because something is fuzzy and the kids don’t pet it, doesn’t mean you should throw it out!–Wait for it to start moving, then kill it, and throw it out!

 

  1. Remove all your old, ratty, FAVORITE shirts from the closet and hide them until your wife has done her spring cleaning, then put them back!

 

  1. Washing and waxing your car IN THE GARAGE isn’t technically considered house cleaning!

 

  1. Buying your wife a self-cleaning oven for Mother’s Day is a nice gesture, but it shouldn’t be considered your share of house cleaning for the next year!

 

  1. Just because the dog doesn’t die when drinking from the toilet isn’t an indication that the bathroom is clean enough!

 

  1. Contrary to popular male opinion, using car parts as accent pieces in the living room is ALWAYS a fashion faux pas!

 

  1. Posting a “Do Not Touch, Experiment In Progress” sign on the refrigerator door isn’t an acceptable compromise to cleaning the fridge.

 

  1. Naming and issuing birth certificates for each dust bunny, in hopes of cashing in on some future novelty item business windfall, isn’t being particularly realistic!

 

  1. Most people overlook the sanitizing benefits of flame throwers. Using flame retardant paint on your walls and furniture makes using one of these “crispy cleaners” both fun, and effective!

And the number one spring cleaning tip for men is:

 

  1. Start with the most important place first–your heart! Be like David and pray: “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10,NIV)

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

How would you like to be Hector Hernandez-Graza. Not only did the Colorado man have his car stolen, but police actually fined him too…

 

FILE #1: …Hernandez-Graza left the engine of his Honda running when he went into a shop in the city of Aurora, Colorado. He said he was only gone for three minutes when the 1988 Accord was taken. But after he explained to a police officer that he had left the engine running and the doors unlocked, the cop gave Hector a $15 fine. The law has been on the books for years and is aimed at preventing car thefts and conserving the resources of police departments that have to devote time to solving them. Hector said he understood and fortunately his car was later recovered the following day.

 

FILE #2: A Portuguese motorist who was stopped for shaving while driving his car told police he had needed to smarten up for an important meeting. The young man had the driving mirror turned toward him as he cruised along a road. ***MARLAR: “Smarten up”; what an appropriate choice of words.

 

FILE #3: Canadian prisoner David Wild is suing the government for $1.95 million, claiming that his inability to sleep well has caused him emotional distress and depression, because the guards come by at night to ensure he’s still in his cell.

 

STRANGE LAW: Myrtle Creek, Oregon has a law stating that you can not get into a boxing match with a kangaroo. ***MARLAR: You have to wonder how often something like that comes up.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Curiosity not only kills cats, it also corners confused criminals!

Here’s another tip for those contemplating a career in the potentially profitable field of drug trafficking.  That was the career field that Gary Brunner of Carmel, New York opted for and he may still be doing business today had he not made one slight miscalculation.  Gary walked into the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office to inquire as to whether there were any arrest warrants out for him.  There were and police executed them and he remains in jail awaiting a hearing.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

HATE WEEK begins today, according to George Orwell’s novel, 1984.  So, without getting too cruel about it, what things do you hate?  Here are a few to get you started…

* Form 1040

* Anybody with a 900 phone number

* People who park crooked

* Potholes

* Sales calls at home

* Alarm clocks

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who had Jesus flogged?
ANSWER: Pilate, the governor (Mark 15:15)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many Philistines were killed by Samson with a jawbone?
ANSWER: One-thousand (Judges 15:15)

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Plymouth, Mass. is the oldest city in the United States. (False – St. Augustine, Florida)

 

  1. The abbreviation ‘ORD’ for Chicago’s O’Hare airport comes from the words, “O’Hare Regional Departure”. (False – ‘ORD’ comes from the old name ‘Orchard Field.’)

 

  1. Quito in Ecuador, South America, is said to have the most pleasant climate in the world. (True. It is called the ‘Land of Eternal Spring.’ The temperature rarely drops below 46 degrees Fahrenheit during the night, or exceed 72 degrees Fahrenheit during the day.)

 

  1. Napoleon Bonaparte was the first man to set foot on all continents except Antarctica. (False – Captain Cook)

 

  1. The model ape used in the 1933 movie ‘ King Kong ‘ was eight feet tall. (False – 18 inches tall)

 

  1. The high-jump method of jumping head first and landing on their back is called the Fosbury Flop. (True)

 

  1. Powdered tea was once used as a snuff to stop bleeding noses. (True)

 

  1. The women of the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are immediately married at the age of twelve. (False – they are married at birth!)

 

  1. According to a Gallup poll, 11 percent of the US population believes in ghosts and other supernatural entities. (True)

 

  1. The largest hailstone ever recorded was 17.5 inches in diameter. (True – bigger than a basketball!)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ BUSINESS VENTURES ON EARTH REVEALED (ALIENS’)

Typically, the alien invasion is a thing of urgency and devastation. However, creatures from the tenth sector of Nebulon have taken a subtler approach to taking over the world. The contentious act of hydraulic fracturing, or “fracking,” is even more complex of an issue than previously thought.

From environmental destruction to theorized effects on human health, the process of fracturing rocks to release natural gas has garnered scorn from all corners of the Earth. But what many do not realize is that business tyrants on this planet aren’t the only ones they have to fear. An alien species known as “Plurvians” have their own investment in the practice, and though many see fracking’s harm to Earth as simply a by-product, one expert is maintaining that’s it’s all part of the
plan.

“Listen, they know we have nukes and bombs,” says Bradley McKinney, chief scientist at B.O.L.T.. Labs in Chicago. “We’ve caught up to many species in terms of how big of a boom we can make. The Plurvians aim
to get rid of humans one environmental disaster at a time. They’re investing in anti-green causes, and human moguls only care about being rich now, so they let them do whatever they want.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, “Life isn’t so bad after all,” and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

“Thank you,” he said. “I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”

“Dancing? I’m not dancing!” the armless man replied bitterly.  “My nose itches, and I can’t scratch it!”

 

JOKE #2

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty.

“Good,” says the man. “That means I must have really escaped.”

 

JOKE #3

The teacher in the bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert.

“The Lord heard you when you wailed, “If only we had meat to eat!” she began. “Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it.”

The woman paused, looked up and said…. “Hey, isn’t that the Atkins diet?”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A company in Europe is being criticized for selling tickets to a lottery to win plastic surgery.  ***MARLAR: Isn’t that what most lottery winners spend it on, anyway?

 

A recent study shows that easy listening music is not relaxing to most people. In fact, most find it to be annoying. Elevator music tends to cause most listeners to become irritable and short-tempered.  ***MARLAR: And yet we play it when people are trapped in a small box with no quick escape.  Genius.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE BIG SHOW

As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements.  Son Gary says, “We’ll make a real big thing out of it. We’ll have five hundred people. We’ll order fifty limos.”
Daughter Grace says, “Why do you want to waste money like that? We’ll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us.”
They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, “We’ll have lots of flowers. We’ll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens.”
Daughter Alice says, “What a waste! We’ll have one little bouquet, that’s enough.”
Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, “Why don’t you get me my pants? I’ll walk to the cemetery.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

I SAW THE SIGN

Do you have a weird hobby? One man’s hobby is about to destroy his marriage. The signs are obvious.

A British wife says her husband’s obsession with road signs has taken over their lives. Graham Stanton from Worcester has spent 25 years collecting 700 road signs. They fill several rooms of their house. His wife Lynne has told him to rent a warehouse to keep the signs or give up his hobby. The 53-year-old’s obsession began after he found a Men at Work sign in some bushes. ***MARLAR: Maybe that’s why we never see road construction workers actually working – they’re waiting for the sign to tell them what to do.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

LESSONS IN HUGGING

Life’s biggest lessons aren’t learned all at once. They are taught and learned time and time again over years and years. I realized this today when I was with my youngest son in the store. We were walking back and forth looking for something both good tasting and good for you when he suddenly reached over, wrapped his arms around me, and gave me a hug. This made me smile with both laughter and joy. I realized then that even though I hadn’t been able to teach my son everything over the years, I had at least been able to teach him how to hug.

I am so delighted too that all of my children have learned this lesson so well over the years. My daughter’s hugs brighten my days and uplift my soul. I have been blessed a million times over by the love and joy she so freely shares with me. My two sons’ hugs always bring happiness to my heart as well. It makes me feel good to know that they have learned two of the most important things in life: how to choose love and how to spread joy.

Remember then that every loving act you do, smile you share, and hug you give teaches all those around you as well. The lessons they share are priceless. Little by little, time after time, and year by year they teach the minds, hearts, and souls of all you touch. They spread God’s love and life’s joy everywhere. They show all who are watching how to love, how to give, and how to live.

I hope that someone was watching when my son gave out his own lesson in hugging. A single hug can warm a hundred hearts. Hugs like love, joy, laughter, and smiles travel from heart to heart and from soul to soul until they circle the world. They make us more like the angels and Earth more like Heaven. They help us to give lessons in God’s love and wisdom each time we simply open our arms and wrap them around another.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

HOW TO FACE ANOTHER DAY

Read: James 4:13-17

This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. —Psalm 118:24

World-famous cellist Pablo Casals once gave this challenging testimony: “For the past 80 years I have started each day in the same manner. . . . I go to the piano and I play two preludes and fugues of Bach. I cannot think of doing otherwise. It is a benediction on the house. But that is not its only meaning for me. It is a rediscovery of the world of which I have the joy of being a part.”

If that is how a dedicated musician daily started his waking hours, we Christians—by the enabling grace of the Holy Spirit—can surely dedicate each new day to our Lord. No matter where we are or what our situation may be, each day we can resolve to dedicate the hours before us to God’s praise. As David wrote, “This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it” (Psalm 118:24).

If you are facing loneliness or pain as once again you pick up your burden, you can draw on the Lord’s resources and be a living testimony of His all-sufficiency. If you’re filled with thanksgiving and praise, you can tell others of God’s goodness.

James reminded us that we “do not know what will happen tomorrow” (4:14). All the more reason, then, to dedicate each day to rejoicing in the Lord. —Vernon Grounds

 

This is the day the Lord hath made,
He calls the hours His own;
Let heaven rejoice, let earth be glad,
And praise surround the throne. —Watts

 

If you know Jesus, you always have a reason to rejoice.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

I’M FATMAN

Can you lose weight on a high fat diet?

Chicago nutritionist Dr. Jan Kwasniewski is promoting a high-fat, low-carb diet called the Polish Diet. It promises that you can lose weight by eating extremely high-fat foods, like kielbasa, bacon, veal brains in aspic, buttered Polish bread and eggs cooked in spicy lard, with a cup of heavy cream for a beverage. One patient on the “fit through fat” diet has dropped from a size 14 to a 4. She said we think fat is bad when it’s really good for you: it provides energy and makes you feel better. But another happy dieter says it’s not short-term; it’s a lifelong lifestyle change.  ***MARLAR: It’s already helping me lose weight: just hearing the phrase “veal brains in aspic” has killed my appetite.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

FIVE WAYS TO SABOTAGE YOUR MARRIAGE BEFORE IT STARTS

  1. Live together before you marry
  2. Get into debt
  3. Marry an unbeliever
  4. Refuse to go through premarital counseling
  5. Dream of a “soul mate”

 

How long can a sandwich survive in a plastic baggie?  One school in Germany found out… the hard way!

Piles of old unwanted sandwiches dating back to the 1970s have been found behind a radiator in a German school’s music room, ending years of confusion about the bad smell. Workers carrying out repairs on the floor of the room found a cavity behind and under the radiator where generations of children had stuffed their unwanted pack lunches. The school’s head teacher had already spent thousands of dollars for experts to examine the room to try to find the source of the smell, but they found nothing and recommended that the music teacher air the room more thoroughly.  ***MARLAR: The hard part was distinguishing the smell from the school cafeteria.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

I’M TASTING BLUE

Can the color blue fight tooth decay?  Apparently, yes! 

The ultimate cure for bad breath is on the way and it’s a blue light!  That’s the word from Nikos Soukos, who directs the Forsyth Laboratory of Applied Molecular Photo Medicine. He is developing a dental light pen that people can shine in their mouths to zap the bad bacteria that cause bad breath.  The light works by blinding the bacteria, suppressing the bad microbes and allowing healthier bacteria to flourish.  Soukos expects his dental light pen to be on store shelves in a few years.  Toothpaste and mouthwash are the best ways to fight bacteria, but Soukos is convinced his blue light will be better.  ***MARLAR: Cool… so now you can go shopping with your mouth open around K-Mart’s blue light specials and save money and your teeth at the same time!  (I don’t think drinking blue water from the toilet is going to have the desired effect though.)

 

 

FUN LIST

MURPHY’S LAW FOR CHURCHES

  • Video projectors always work before the program begins.
  • The probability of the preacher tripping over the mike cord is greater on “Bring A Friend” Sunday than any other week.
  • The largest Bible Class will show up when the teacher feels his/her worst.
  • No matter how many bulletins you print, you’ll always need one more.
  • A member living 15 miles away will be 15 minutes early; members living two blocks will be 15 minutes late.
  • The shorter the agenda, the longer the business meeting.
  • When you answer the Bible teacher’s question right, nobody remembers; when you are wrong, nobody forgets.
  • The furnace only fails when the outside temperature is more than 20 degrees below zero.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

SEVEN WAYS TO SAVE THE PLANET

Earth Day is coming up, that time of year when we all ask ourselves, What’s the least I can do? Are there ways that I can save the planet without putting in any real effort or time? Here are a few ways to help save the planet.

  1. Wash your hands sparingly. Washing many times a day wastes gallons of water, and your hands are never as dirty as you think.
  2. Turn off your watch when you’re not checking the time.
  3. Stop bread waste. Place condiments on both sides of the bread and use just one slice. This saves on oven-baking time and is perfect for today’s low-carb lifestyle.
  4. Create your own ecologically friendly products. For example, toothpaste: My recipe includes mint gum, peanut butter, and mayonnaise. The consistency and color is perfect, with no tubes clogging up the landfill.
  5. When throwing away books, be sure to break the spines first. Unbroken books can lodge in the throats of bears and cougars.
  6. Don’t walk — run! Running saves time, propelling you to incredible sales and discounts faster.
  7. Wear socks with sandals. My personal favorite.  A socks/sandals combo says to others, “I don’t care about how I look, I care about our natural environment.” You will also save money on expensive habits like having a social life.  Spend it on shrubs and flowers instead.

 

 

LITTLE LEAGUE TEAM TOO GOOD TO BE ALLOWED TO PLAY

Can a little league team be too good to be allowed to play against other teams?  That’s the story in Apache Junction, Arizona!

The Apache Junction Little League team known as “The Hooks” have been terminated from this baseball season … and parents are furious.

The League’s governing board accused the team’s coaches of rigging the player draft system in their favor so they could get some of the best players. The team denies it, and the 8, 9 and 10-year-old players say they’re tired of being harassed for being too good.

One Hooks player said, “I just think they’re jealous and they want to make up stories.”  Another player said, “Our whole family doesn’t like being called cheaters… we’re being called liars too.”

This kids’ baseball team being called a bunch of cheaters isn’t sitting well with moms and dads who are outraged their kids’ baseball season is ruined after a month of practices. The team hasn’t played in real games yet.

Apache Junction’s Little League Board told upset parents their kids will have to join other teams if they want to play this season.

Parents say their children are depressed. They worry breaking the little players away from all of the friends they’ve made takes away all of the fun.

On April 1, The Apache Junction Little League Board issued the following statement in response to this story:

In Little League, one of the responsibilities of the governing board members to maintain the integrity of the league.  The Apache Junction bylaws state, “Membership may be terminated by resignation or action of the Board of Directors. The Board of Directors, by a two-thirds vote of those present at any duly constituted meeting, shall have the authority to discipline or terminate the membership of any Member of any class when the conduct of such person is considered detrimental to the interests of the local League and/or Little League Baseball.” Based on the above bylaw, a unanimous decision was made with the support of District 7 to terminate the membership of two coaches, with a third coach voluntarily resigning.  The decision made affected coaches only; all players remain members of the league and are encouraged to continue to play. For players affected, provisions have been made. Refunds will be issued to those requesting them by Friday of this week.  Apache Junction Little appreciates the continued support of our community

 

PHONER: What is your response to this story as a parent? 

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

The 11 difficult questions you need to ask before getting married

  1. Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose?
  2. Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers?
  3. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?
  4. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?
  5. What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?
  6. Can you deal with my doing things without you?
  7. Do we like each other’s parents?
  8. How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.?
  9. Do you know all the ways I say “I love you”?
  10. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?
  11. How do you see us 10 years from now?

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/03/23/fashion/weddings/marriage-questions.html?_r=1

 

A 23-year-old Toronto student living at home just got schooled about failing to give his mother the respect she deserves. After the two got into an argument that both sides agreed stemmed from a misunderstanding, the mother drew up a $39,254 bill, charging him for just a fraction of the ways she has supported her son since he moved back home 13 months ago. You can see the actual invoice here: http://on.today.com/1T3YJ7O

 

Contrary to the long-running joke, the stereotype of the “dumb blonde” is, well, just plain dumb. According to MSN.com, researchers found that women and men with natural blonde hair had IQ scores similar to people with other hair colors. And, women with natural blonde hair actually had a slightly higher average IQ score than those with brown hair, red hair or black hair. Researchers looked at data from nearly 10,900 white American baby boomers who had IQ tests in 1980.

http://www.msn.com/en-us/health/medical/scientists-debunk-dumb-blonde-myth/ar-BBqMS4H?li=BBnba9O

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Today’s (JOCK SHOW) was only a test.  If it had been an actual (JOCK SHOW), you would’ve been entertained and be feeling pretty good right now.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 01, 2016…

 

Collide—With a title like this, you would think it would be a meteor movie, instead, Nicholas Hoult stars in a story of trying to escape from the mob. A robbery goes awry and Anthony Hopkins, as a crime boss, is after him.  Also in the cast are Ben Kingsley and Felicity Jones.  “Collide” is rated R. No rating.

 

Amityville: The Awakening—This is supposed to be a restart of the famed horror film series about residents who live in a haunted house, again, and again. Sigh. The stars are Bella Thorne and Jennifer Jason Leigh. “Amityville: The Awakening” is rated R. No rating.

 

Everyone Wants Some (opening in select cities)—1980’s college baseball is just about what you would expect, with girls, games and school time.  Stars include Blake Jenner, Wyatt Russell and Ryan Guzman. (Do the last names of these young stars look familiar?) “Everyone Wants Some” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Pandemic (opening in select cities)— Another film set in the future and a virus gone awry. This one has a young, female doctor (Rachel Nichols) locked in a lab trying to find a cure. The original title was “Viral.” “Pandemic” is rated R. No rating.

 

Hunt For The Wilder People (opening in select cities)—Sam Neill stars as a crotchety New Zealander who, with his wife, takes in a foster child and tries to give him a home. Other stars are Julian Dannebon and Rachel House. “Hunt For The Wilder People” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Meet The Blacks—This comedic movie has Mike Epps and his family (with the last name of Black) winning big and leaving Chicago for Beverly Hills.. The cast includes George Lopez, Mike Tyson and Perez Hilton. “Meet The Blacks” is rated R. No rating.

 

Miles Ahead—This is  a bio-pic of the late jazz musician, Miles Davis.  Don Cheadle stars as Davis with Ewan McGregor as the Rolling Stone reporter, Dave Brill, who is trying to get an interview with Davis. We see the ups and downs of Miles Davis life. “Miles Ahead” is rated R. Rating of 2 for jazz fans.

 

APRIL 08, 2016…

 

Before I Wake has a family dealing with a child’s nightmare’s that come true. Stars Kate Bosworth.

 

The Boss is a Melissa McCarthy comedy movie in which is she is a business leader who goes to prison.

 

Demolition has Jake Gyllenhaal in a break-down after a tragedy and trying to rebuild his life.

 

Mr. Right is a study of manic-depression and stars Sam Rockwell and Anna Kendrick.

 

Term Life has Vince Vaughn in a comedy about a bank robber.

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.