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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160406
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men. — Roald Dahl, (Willy Wonka) “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”
I have to admit yesterday’s program was pretty sad — and I do want to thank the listener who sent the funeral spray.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? –Matthew 16:24-26
For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. — 2 Corinthians 5:14-15
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
After he had said this, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, “I tell you the truth, one of you is going to betray me.” — John 13:21
Thought: I can still remember my friend saying it in church one Sunday: “We think so badly of old Judas for betraying the Lord for 30 pieces of silver, but how many times do we betray him for nothing?” Ouch! What makes this so difficult for us to bear is Jesus’ anguish knowing one of his own would betray him. Let’s make every effort and call upon God’s strength so that such betrayal can never be true of us! And if it ever is, let’s make sure we run toward his grace with an honest desire to escape sin and come back to him!
Prayer: Jesus, I am sorry for the times I have broken your heart with my rebellion and neglect. Father God, I apologize for my lack of passion and zeal for your Son’s sacrifice that saved me from sin and death. I want to live more vibrantly for Jesus so others may see him and come to know him. It is in his precious and holy name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Philippians 4:6 NIV = Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – APRIL 06, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 262 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is THINK ABOUT SPRING CLEANING DAY. *** Don’t actually do it, just think about it.
Today is NORTH POLE DISCOVERY DAY. On this day in 1909 Robert E. Peary’s cook, carpenter, and blacksmith, Mathew Henson, and two Eskimo guides were the first humans to reach the North Pole. Perry arrived 45 minutes later. We don’t know which two of the four Eskimo guides got there first–Coquesh, Ootah, Eginwah, or Seegloo–which is probably why Peary took all the credit.
Today is DROWSY DRIVER AWARENESS DAY. *** Can you be aware and drowsy at the same time? I don’t think you can.
Today is NATIONAL JUMP OVER THINGS DAY. *** I don’t really celebrate this one – it takes too much effort. I will, however, jump to conclusions.
Today is NATIONAL CARAMEL POPCORN DAY. *** Okay, so I WILL jump over someone if free caramel popcorn is up for grabs.
Today is CHRISTMAS DAY. Many scholars believe it was on this day in 6 A.D. that Christ was truly born. *** So… Seasons Greetings!
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Drowsy Driver Awareness Day
Childhelp National Day of Hope
National Walking Day
Paraprofessional Appreciation Day
Whole Grain Sampling Day
COMING UP NEXT
THURSDAY, APRIL 07
International Beaver Day
International Snailpapers Day
Metric System Day
National Alcohol Screening Day
No Housework Day (known here as Wednesday!)
FRIDAY, APRIL 08
International Roma Day
National Dog Fighting Awareness Day
SATURDAY, APRIL 09
National Cherish An Antique Day
National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day
Jenkins Ear Day
Winston Churchill Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 10
Salvation Army Founders’ Day
Safety Pin Day
MONDAY, APRIL 11
Barbershop Quartet Day
International “Louie Louie” Day
National Teach Children To Save Day
TUESDAY, APRIL 12
International Day of Human Space Flight
National Licorice Day
Walk On Your Wild Side Day
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13
National Bookmobile Day
Thomas Jefferson Day
ON THIS DAY
1868: Brigham married his 27th and last wife. Guess who invented the department store. Yep, Brigham Young. And Brigham’s first store, Zion’s Cooperative Mercantile Institute, is still operating in Salt Lake City. ***With 27 wives he HAD to have his own department store.
1896: The first modern Olympic games formally opened in Athens, Greece.
1931: A little cream-filled sponge cake called the Hostess Twinkie went on sale in the U.S. They were created in order to use shortcake baking pans when strawberries were not in season. (audio clip)
1938: Roy Plunkett invented Teflon. ***MARLAR: If nothing sticks to Teflon, how can they make Teflon stick to the pan?
1954: Swanson & Sons introduced a revolutionary American food product—the TV dinner. ***MARLAR: The stock price of Tums went up drastically that same year.
1958: Arnold Palmer won his first major pro golf tournament, The Masters in Augusta, Georgia.
1968: North America’s most unusual bank opened. The Canadian Bank of Commerce set up shop in a DC-3 to serve outlying areas in the Yukon. ***You’ve heard of drive-in banks, this was a fly-out bank.
1968: The Grand Ole Opry in Nashville canceled its regular Saturday performance because of a city-wide curfew following the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King in Memphis. It’s the only canceled Opry performance.
1973: Baseball’s first ever designated hitter, New York Yankee Ron Blomberg, walked with the bases loaded against Red Sox pitcher Luis Tiant.
1980: Post It Notes were introduced. *** Can you even imagine life without Post-It Notes now? They’re so popular that they even made it to the Mir Space Station before it was shut down. The note said, “Last one out please turn off the lights.”
1982: On New York City’s Wall Street, 44-year-old Jim Priceman found an envelope containing $37-million in negotiable bearer bonds. He immediately returned them to the corporate owner and received a reward of $250. ***MARLAR: Which went directly into his little piggy bank so someday he could own his own monster corporation and be the big important boss that gyps his employees when they do something honorable.
1984: The National Academy of Nannies graduated its first class. ***MARLAR: That was a long time ago – now they’re no longer Nannies… they’re Grannies.
1992: Microsoft introduced Windows version 3.1. The DOS and Apple computer operating systems had serious competition. ***MARLAR: Until Windows VISTA arrived, at which point DOS and Apple felt totally vindicated.
1992: “Barney & Friends” made their TV debut. (audio clip)
1999: Toronto police said that eight out of ten motorists who lost their drivers licenses in court during a ten-day period promptly got into their cars and attempt to drive away. All eight were arrested and had their cars impounded. ***MARLAR: Proving that it’s usually morons that become criminals in the first place.
2000: A private company mapping the human genetic blueprint announced it had decoded all of the DNA pieces that make up the genetic pattern of a single human being.
2003: IRS notified a homeless man in Salem, Oregon, that his $6 million tax bill was a mistake. The 30-year-old, known as the “six million dollar man” by his buddies at the Union Gospel Mission, was told he owed nothing. The IRS refused to comment further on the case.
2004: The University of Connecticut’s women’s basketball team beat Tennessee 70-61 to win a third consecutive NCAA title, a day after UConn also won the men’s championship.
2005: Prince Rainier III of Monaco, one of Europe`s longest-reigning monarchs, died from multiple organ failure at the age of 81. He was succeeded by Prince Albert, one of three children he had with his late wife, American movie star Grace Kelly.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
6 BC: This day is believed by some Biblical scholars to be the actual date of the historical birth of Jesus Christ. ***MARLAR: Merry Christmas!!!!!
1249: Muslims take King Louis IX of France prisoner during the seventh crusade, which was supposed to overcome the Muslim political center in Egypt. After showing bravery in the face of torture, he was allowed to buy his freedom for a huge sum in gold—and the city of Damietta.
1528: Albrecht Durer, German painter, engraver, and designer of woodcuts, dies. Famous for his religious scenes, he may have been so influenced by Luther (whom he called “the great Christian man who has helped me out of great anxieties”) that he converted to Protestantism. His most popular work is “Praying Hands.
1735: The first Moravians from Europe arrived in America. Invited by colonial governor James Oglethorpe, ten males of the “Unitas Fratrum” landed in Savannah, Georgia after sailing from England in February.
1801: The General Conference of the Methodist Episcopal Church recognizes the new African Methodist Episcopal Church (AME). Blacks who were denied membership and/or recognition within white Methodist churches, particularly in Philadelphia and New York, formed the original AME.
1830: James Augustine Healy, the first black Roman Catholic bishop in America, was born to an Irish planter and a slave on a plantation near Macon, Georgia.
1868: Mormon church leader Brigham Young, 67, married his 27th and last wife. (In all, Brigham Young’s wives bore him 47 children.)
1932: Eric Liddell, the Olympic athlete featured in the film Chariots of Fire, makes his evangelistic debut by sharing his testimony to a group of men in Armadale, Scotland. Liddell later returned to the mission field in China, where he was born, and ministered in an internment camp following the Japanese invasion. He died in 1945 from a massive brain tumor.
1952: American missionary and Auca Indian martyr Jim Elliot wrote in his journal: “Faith makes life so even, gives one such confidence, that the words of men are as wind.”
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actor (“Reaper”, “Grounded For Life”) Bret Harrison 34 (audio clip)
- actress (“Full House”) Candace Cameron 40 (audio clip)
- actor (“Scrubs”) Zach Braff is 41 (audio clip)
- actor (“The Wonder Years”) Jason Hervey 44 (audio clip)
- actress (Emma on “Kate & Allie”) Ari Meyers 47 (audio clip)
- actor (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Knocked Up) Paul Rudd 47
- actress (“Taxi”) Marilu Henner 64 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1916 : “Pappy” Wade Ray
1924 : Dorothy Donegan
1927 : Gerry Mulligan
1929 : Andre Previn
1937 : Merle Haggard
1942 : Christopher Franke (Tangerine Dream)
1944 : John Stax (The Pretty Things)
1944 : Michelle Phillips (The Mamas & The Papas)
1947 : Tony Connor (Hot Chocolate)
1951 : Ralph Cooper (Air Supply) Air Supply
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Why do we call people who work off-staff “freelancers?”
The cynics among freelancers will tell you that they are called that because many clients expect them to work practically for free. They are also free to do without employee benefits such as vacations and medical coverage. On the other hand, they do get to set their own hours, write off an espresso and a croissant with a friend as a business expense, and work at home in their underwear. The term originated in the Middle Ages to describe a mercenary knight whose lance was for hire. He was free of any attachment to a particular lord and could be employed on a project-by-project basis–assault a castle, rescue a damsel, the usual stuff. Eventually the term was applied to anyone who was paid by the project or the piece.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Lauren Daigle this week announced a new video series. Starting Tuesday Lauren says she will be releasing one video each week. The new series will focus on what the Deluxe Edition of How Can It Be means to her. Be ready for video number one on the 5th.
Casting Crowns is asking for your prayers this week. Bass player Chris Huffman posted: Finished up bass, drums, keys, and guitars on the new Casting Crowns record today! Can’t wait for y’all to hear it!! Most diverse album yet.
Tobymac may preach and sing about mercy but Pastor and author Max Lucado says he’s seen the other side. He posted a picture on the links with Tobymac and speaker Randy Frazee and said: on the golf course they show me none.
Kutless guitarist James Mead traded his tour bus for a school bus this week. He posted Thursday: I’m on a schoolbus with my son’s fourth grade class today, heading out on a field trip.
Jamie Grace will join her sister Morgan Harper Nichols for a one day Singer and Songwriter Mini Camp in North Las Vegas, Nevada on April 8. The event this week is one of a number that will be held in select U.S. during 2016.
Building 429’s Jason Roy may be the front man for the band but he shared this week that not a lot has changed. He was working on a guitar and posted: After all these years I’m right back where I started… Loving working on guitars!
Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard wasn’t ready for the response he received when he took his friend for a ride on his motorcycle this week. He explained: Took my British buddy Simon for a 10 min ride on my motorcycle and had two different cars scream homophobic obscenities at us. I was shocked.
A milestone for Third Day this week. Front man Mac Powell tweeted: just found out our album Wherever You Are went platinum. Mac added: took over 10 yrs to get there…but who’s counting? The Plantinum designation is given when more than 1-million copies of an album have been sold.
The members of For King and Country will be featured on the television program The View this week. They will be talking about their new Priceless tour on Wednesday at 10:00am CT.
Shan and Shane celebrated April Fools Day by switching names. They posted: Now Everett is Barnard and Barnard is Everett.
(No news on the weekends.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Marijuana activists were not allowed to bring a 50-foot inflatable joint into the White House last weekend. ***Good decision. One high pothead tries to light that doobie up and you’ve got the Hindenburg all over again. (“Oh the humanity!”)
Astronomers at Columbia University say they have devised a way to hide our planet from hostile aliens — cloak the earth using giant lasers. ***Really? Assuming they have the technology to travel billions of light years to get to our planet, suddenly we’re going to fake them out by hiding under a sheet?
You know your country has a problem with smog when your citizens are getting lost — in the smog. A woman in China went missing after a walk, got disoriented and ended up in some woods. Her husband reported her missing, prompting a two-hour search by police. ***Sometimes, when a person tells you their mind is in a fog, they aren’t being metaphoric.
In an apparently random attack a New York City man shoved a Snickers candy bar in the face of another man and then punched him. The attacker has been charged. ***Sounds like someone was hungry and needed a Snickers bar. No, wait…
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Wyoming tops the nation in chewing tobacco use, with nearly 1 in 6 adult men in that state using the product. Government researchers found men use chew, snuff and other smokeless products at much higher rates than women. ***MARLAR: Probably because they’re in Wyoming and there’s nothing else to do there.
Children exposed to violence in video games and on TV, display similar reactions to those who witness war and acts of violence in real life, according to an Australian study. ***MARLAR: So if your child has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it could be that they’re watching too much My Little Pony.
Has anyone ever told you how much you and your mate look alike? Chances are it’s because you really do. Researchers from the University of Liverpool, in conjunction with the University of Durham and the University of St. Andrews, have determined that the longer we’re with someone, the more we grow alike in appearance. ***MARLAR: I’d like to apologize now for the way my wife is eventually going to look.
Did you know taking a break from it all actually benefits your psychological health? According to Journal Applied Research in Quality of Life studies have shown the largest boost in happiness comes from the simple act of planning a vacation. In the study, the effect of vacation anticipation boosted happiness for eight weeks. ***MARLAR: Did you catch that this is just planning the vacation? Apparently you don’t actually have to take the vacation in order to be happy, you just have to think about it! That’s right – the world of inserting memories directly into your brain (a la “TOTAL RECALL”) is actually a great mental health plan.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Typed Up, Written Down”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Kerri Pomarolli, “Holiday Inn”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals were planning a big day of playing in the wind, going to the beach, and sailing on Nozzles the Elephant’s sailboat while making paper airplanes. The whole day was planned to take advantage of the unusually windy day. But after Nozzles went to the bookstore, he stepped outside, and suddenly…
CLOSE: Well, it looks like Nozzles and Gruffy have found something to do with the day… accuse each other of stealing and not sharing. But the good news is that Nozzles found something to write in his new book of blank pages. This could get reeeeeally ugly. We’ll find out how ugly next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 09/10
OPEN: FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As The Jungle Turns! Last time, Cheetah Bonita decided she didn’t want to sing three-part harmony with her sisters any longer… she wanted to go solo. But both of her sisters hated that idea – and so did Gruffy Bear. Music in the jungle just wouldn’t be the same without that three part harmony. And then, Nozzles the Elephant stopped by…
CLOSE: Boy, it’s beginning to look like everybody wants to be solo – and nobody wants to harmonize! Tune in next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Waiting at long train crossings can be frustrating, but nothing is dumber than trying “to beat the train” by skirting around the gates…
…Ronald Wolf of Walbridge, Ohio, knew this, but thought he had a better idea. After waiting 20 minutes to cross a railroad track because two slow-moving trains had come in succession Wolf realized he’d have to wait some more because another slow moving train was coming. He was frustrated and didn’t want to wait any longer. His idea? Drive onto the tracks and make the third train stop so he could continue on his way. So Wolf weaved his way through the first set of gates and parked his car on the track, stood back, and waited for the train to stop. The train stopped — just after it pushed his car down the tracks a few feet! Thankfully, no one was injured. Ronald was charged with failing to yield.
TOP TEN LESSONS LEARNED BY KIDS
- I’ve learned that girls sweat just as much as boys. — age 11
- I’ve learned that it always makes me feel good to see my parents holding hands. — age 13
- I’ve learned that you shouldn’t confuse a black crayon with a Tootsie Roll. — age 10
- I’ve learned that I would like to be a horse and live on a ranch, if only cowboys didn’t wear spurs. —age 8
- I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night”. — age 7
- I’ve learned that milk helps keep your bones from bending over. —age 7
- I’ve learned that the teacher always calls on me the time I don’t know the answer. — age 9
- I’ve learned how to hold animals without killing them.— age 5
- I’ve learned that when you have three of your wild friends in the car the driver freaks. — age 9
- I’ve learned that sometimes my mother laughs so hard that she snorts. —age 7
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Drinking and driving is dumb. So is playing with matches.
FILE #1: Police in upstate New York accuse student Christopher Chianese of going through a lot of trouble to avoid a DWI court date. Now he’s in a lot more trouble. He’s charged with torching the new municipal offices in Seneca Falls that housed the court. He allegedly set fire to the building just hours before he was to answer a felony charge of driving while intoxicated. Now he faces a charge of third-degree arson and was ordered held on 200-thousand dollars cash bail. If convicted, he could get up to 15 years in prison.
FILE #2: Imagine cruising down the road and looking over to see a real live cow in someone’s back seat! It happened recently in Russia and 4 men have been arrested and charged with stealing a pregnant cow and escaping with it squeezed into their car. Police picked up the men after the 660 pound cow had traveled 37 miles in the car with her head sticking out of the window.
FILE #3: Joe Cary, who had his door shot in the middle of the day. Joe called the police, but the shooter vanished before they arrived. When the police showed up, Joe stood outside his door… with a gun of his own. Now, you’d think that these police officer’s would appreciate an upstanding citizen defending himself… with a gun… being waved around with one hand… while holding a bottle of vodka in the other. Guess who was arrested? I think I’ve seen this episode of Cops.
STRANGE LAW: In Utah, it’s against the law to fish from horseback.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
A man in Los Angeles has very unusual excuse for his erratic driving.
Randall Richman says he wasn’t drinking alcohol, he had consumed lighter fluid. He was pulled over for speeding and for driving without his headlights on. The police reported that the man’s breath smelled of “an odor of an unknown alcoholic beverage.” The 32-year-old magician claims that it wasn’t liquor that was detected; it was three types of lighter fluid. Richman says he had just taught a fire-eating class in Hollywood when he was pulled over by police. The defense has worked before. In 1991, a San Francisco jury acquitted professional fire-eater Ted Maschal on similar charges.
What’s the fastest courtship — from meeting to getting married — that you know about?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Just before the children of Israel were about to enter the Promised Land the priests stood at the Jordan River and dipped their feet into it. What happened next?
ANSWER: The water stopped and they crossed on dry ground (Joshua 3:15-17)
QUESTION: Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ‘dw’ and they are all common words. What are those words?
ANSWER: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- In 1902 the game table tennis was brought to the U.S. from Europe by Mattell. (False – Parker Brothers)
- In a day, an elephant can drink 800 gallons of water. (False – 80 gallons)
- The most disliked vegetable by Americans is brussels sprouts. (True)
- When former Texas Governor James Hogg was on his deathbed he made a special request that an apple tree tree be planted at the head of his grave instead of a tombstone. (False – he wanted a pecan tree. The governor passed away on March 2, 1906, which is Texas Independence Day. The pecan tree is now the state tree of Texas.)
- Watermelons are considered a good gift to give a host in Japan and China. (True)
- On average, falling asleep while driving results in an average of 55 accidents per day in the United States. (False – 550 accidents per day!)
- Chocolate was used as medicine during the 18th century. (True. It was believed that chocolate could cure a stomach ache.)
- McDonald’s Restaurant uses 7% of the potatoes grown in the United States to make their french fries. (True)
- The Cantaloupe was first cultivated in Cantaloupo, Italy and that is how it got its name. (True)
- ChapStick Lip Balm can be applied to skin to stop bleeding caused by shaving. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
SOLAR FLARE HITS ______ (EARTH)
It’s a fast-moving eruption that is sending a large amount of radiation toward Earth.
The solar flare occurred at about 11 p.m. EST Saturday and will hit Earth with three different effects at three different times. The biggest issue is radiation, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s Space Weather Prediction Center in Colorado.
The radiation is a concern for massive satellite disruptions and astronauts in space. It can cause communication problems for polar-traveling airplanes, said space weather center physicist Darvin Zillman.
Radiation from Saturday’s flare arrived at Earth an hour later and will likely continue through Wednesday. Levels are considered extreme. .
The radiation – in the form of protons – came flying out of the sun at 193 million miles per hour.
“The whole volume of space between here and Jupiter is just filled with protons and you just don’t get rid of them like that,” Zillman said. That’s why the effects will stick around for weeks.
NASA’s flight surgeons and solar experts examined the solar flare’s expected effects and decided that the six astronauts on the International Space Station do not have to do anything to protect themselves from the radiation, spokesman Rob Natinas said.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.
“Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.” He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
“You’re not there, Coach,” he reported.
“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”
Tim and Dianne were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds. At the tollbooth, Tim asked the attendant, “What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?”
The tollbooth attendant didn’t miss a beat. She answered, “We take the rocks out of our pockets.”
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. ”No problem,” I told him. “Make it up the following week.”
That week came, and again he couldn’t take the test due to another funeral. ”You’ll have to take the test early next week,” I insisted. “I can’t keep postponing it.”
“I’ll take the test next week if no one dies,” he told me.
By now I was suspicious. “How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?” I asked.
“I don’t know any of these people,” he said. “But I’m the only gravedigger in town.”
In Seattle the manhole covers have a map of the city – and a ‘You are here’ mark. ***MARLAR: So you don’t need a map in Seattle – just stop your car in the middle of traffic and crawl on the pavement to the sewer hole.
In England, a chicken named Lucky — because he helped his owner pick out winning lottery numbers — got eaten by a fox when the owner forgot to lock the coop. Lucky would pick the numbers by pecking on a calculator and won almost $2,500 on his first try. ***MARLAR: So Lucky wasn’t all that lucky, was he?
According to a new study, small doses of chocolate every day could decrease your risk of having a heart attack or stroke by nearly 40 percent. ***MARLAR: I eat at least five times that much – I must be healthy as a horse!
THE MOMMY TEST
I was out walking with my then 3 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
“Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.”
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”
“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, “Um, it’s on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a mommy.”
“Oh.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
I get it!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Ever wonder how many injuries a year are caused by bathroom hand dryers? Neither have I.
Every year a little over 1000 people in America are injured by automatic bathroom hand dryers. Apparently the injuries occur when the machines malfunction and people have their hands or other body parts sucked into the device. You should know there’s never been an injury reported with machines made in the U-S. ***MARLAR: So stay away from those sporty imports!
FAIR IS FAIR
A Christian once visited a farmer to talk to him about Christ. “I wouldn’t come to church up there.” the farmer said. “I know old so and so church goer who claims to be a Christian and So and So who attends church there who claims to be a Christian and they don’t live any differently from me. I’m as good as they are.”
Everywhere the farmer went he told about the hypocrites in that Church. Months passed and the Christian brother went to see the farmer again.
“I want to buy a hog”, said the Christian. The farmer showed all his best hogs to him. Then they came to the runt. “I believe I will take that one” the, Christian said. BUT you don’t want that one. He’s the worst runt to the litter.
“I sure do” said the Christian. So they loaded the runt in the truck. “Now,” said the Christian “what if I take this pig here from your farm and ride all over this area telling folks that this is the kind of hogs you raise?”
“That’s not fair!” the farmer exclaimed. “I have some nice hogs and you want to show people that runt?!”
To which the Christian replied, “If it’s fair for the church it’s fair for the hogs!”
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
I was driving in heavy traffic on 285, the perimeter road in Atlanta, cars moving at a fast rate of speed on all six lanes. I was in the far left lane when I realized my exit was just one away, and I needed to cross over many lanes to exit the freeway. My daughter was in the back seat and I asked her to look out the back window, telling me when I could move over, lane by lane.
She gave me specific directions – “O.K., mom” or, “after this red car,” or, “not now !” I listened to her with complete confidence that she knew what she was talking about and I never turned my own head to make sure she was correct. I followed her directions and made it to the exit lane with plenty of time to spare.
Oh that I would listen to God that way. He does tell me how to maneuver from one lane of life to another, and He is always ready, willing and able to give me those directions. I need to listen to Him and follow those directions, not turning my head and using my own eyes to plot my course. If I do this, I will make it safely to the other side of the road of life.
LOOK OUT PORKY PIG!
What would you do if you found your neighbor was having lunch with your pet – and your pet was the main course!
A Deming, New Mexico woman was recently at a loss when she drove into her driveway and realized that her pet pig was missing! So, like any good pet pig owner, she went looking for it with her 3-year-old son. After searching for hours, Sadie Emerson spotted a group of people having a party near their mobile home, and on the table – you guessed it – was her pet potbellied pig named “Tiny Boo”. Apparently the neighbor shot the pig with a rifle “after the animal tried to attack him” and then decided to make use of the dead pig by having a neighborhood pork barbecue. The good neighbor has been accused of cruelty to animals and will appear in court. ***MARLAR: If this is cruelty to animals, Oscar Meyer is in big trouble.
LIFE… LIVE IT
MAY I BORROW YOUR EVERYTHING?
Do you snoop when you use another person’s bathroom… want to know how many people do?
If there’s something in your medicine cabinet you don’t want anyone to see, you better hide it somewhere. A survey of Americans shows that 39-percent admit they snoop when they visit someone else’s bathroom. What’s more, 25-percent admit they USE the items they find, like make-up, combs, and lip gloss. ***MARLAR: Something to think about next time you use your toothbrush!
JUST FOR FUN
LOST POLICE OFFICER
Get lost easily? Just be glad you’re not a police officer!
If you ever get lost in Philadelphia, do not ask police officer Margo Grady for directions. The four-year veteran was trying to get to the police Special Victim’s Unit in Bridesburg, Pennsylvania. She instead ended up in Newark, New Jersey — 85 miles away from her intended destination! Police said Grady missed an exit and just kept driving. And driving. When she didn’t make it to her intended destination, police became concerned, especially when they tried to reach her by radio (she was out of radio range) and got no answer. They eventually sent out people looking for her and even employed helicopters for the search before they finally tracked her down. All told, her little tour took about four hours! ***MARLAR: I could understand this story if it were a male police officer – but this is a woman. Since when do THEY not stop and ask for directions?
TWO FACES OF DOCTORS: What they say versus what they’re really thinking.
- “This should be taken care of right away.” — I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
- “Welllllll, what have we here…?” — He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.
- “Let me check your medical history.” — I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
- “We have some good news and some bad news.” — The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.
- “Let’s see how it develops.” — Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
- “Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.” — I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. –I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.
- “Let me schedule you for some tests.” — I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
- “I’d like to prescribe a new drug.” — I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
- “If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.” — I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
- “Everything seems to be normal.” — Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Does being a perfectionist mean you’ll also have perfect health? Probably not. In fact, just the opposite is more likely the case.
Perfectionists, by definition, strive for the best, trying to ace exams, be meticulous at their jobs, and raise perfect children, you might assume this translates over to their health as well, with perfectionist being models for physical and mental well-being. While perfection is an impossible goal, striving for it can be a boon for one’s health, causing one to stick to exercise programs to a tee, say, or follow a strict regimen for treating chronic illnesses like type 2 diabetes. But the same lofty goals can mean added mental pressure when mistakes are made and the resistance to asking for help from others in fear of revealing one’s true, imperfect self. In fact studies show the personality trait of perfectionism is linked to poor physical health and an increased risk of death.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
How do you effectively share the Christian faith in a world where people increasingly spend their free time online? According to ChristianToday.com, That’s the challenge that’s been taken up by Glen Scrivener, an Australian-born evangelist now based in the South of England. Glen is also a poet and spoken word performer, and he’s combined his calling and his linguistic skill to create a fascinating and growing anthology of evangelistic online video content. In fact, it’s earned him the title: the most innovative Christian on YouTube. Glen’s films generally feature him speaking in tightly-woven poetic rhymes that are short enough to maintain the modern viewer’s attention, and deep and well-crafted enough to intrigue them into further exploration.
According to a new study by the Pew Research Center, women are more religious than men. The CBN report say the study, titled “The Gender Gap in Religion Around the World,” found that 84% of women from around the world identity with a faith group, compared with 79.9% of men. This devotion is despite the fact that in many religions and denominations, women do not hold positions of power. The Pew study also found that 64% of American women say they pray daily, while only 47% of men do so in the U.S. In France, only 15% of women and 9% of men prayed daily. The only religions where men tend to be more devout than women are Islam and Orthodox Judaism.
New Studies Reveals Commitment to Faith Corresponds to Decrease in Prejudice. According to a report in ChristianHeadlines.com, Two new studies of 13 European countries revealed that advocates of populist radical right parties were “relatively non-religious.” Another study from a New Zealand survey found that prejudice fell the more people were “committed to their faith.” John Shaver, the lead study author, said “People who only loosely identify with their religion are actually the most prejudiced.” Shaver said people who are only relatively religious tend to be more prejudice because “they tend to use religion “to justify their own self-interest” rather than to engage in moral reflection.”
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I went for a walk last night and my wife asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, “The whole time.”
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, “Why’d you run that stop sign?” I said, “Because I don’t believe everything I read.”
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, “Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”
“I’d rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not.” –Lucille Ball
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car.
If I had some ham, I could have some ham and eggs, if I had some eggs.
No, officer. I do not wish to give up my right to remain silent!!
I love cats. They taste like chicken.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 01, 2016…
Collide—With a title like this, you would think it would be a meteor movie, instead, Nicholas Hoult stars in a story of trying to escape from the mob. A robbery goes awry and Anthony Hopkins, as a crime boss, is after him. Also in the cast are Ben Kingsley and Felicity Jones. “Collide” is rated R. No rating.
Amityville: The Awakening—This is supposed to be a restart of the famed horror film series about residents who live in a haunted house, again, and again. Sigh. The stars are Bella Thorne and Jennifer Jason Leigh. “Amityville: The Awakening” is rated R. No rating.
Everyone Wants Some (opening in select cities)—1980’s college baseball is just about what you would expect, with girls, games and school time. Stars include Blake Jenner, Wyatt Russell and Ryan Guzman. (Do the last names of these young stars look familiar?) “Everyone Wants Some” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Pandemic (opening in select cities)— Another film set in the future and a virus gone awry. This one has a young, female doctor (Rachel Nichols) locked in a lab trying to find a cure. The original title was “Viral.” “Pandemic” is rated R. No rating.
Hunt For The Wilder People (opening in select cities)—Sam Neill stars as a crotchety New Zealander who, with his wife, takes in a foster child and tries to give him a home. Other stars are Julian Dannebon and Rachel House. “Hunt For The Wilder People” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Meet The Blacks—This comedic movie has Mike Epps and his family (with the last name of Black) winning big and leaving Chicago for Beverly Hills.. The cast includes George Lopez, Mike Tyson and Perez Hilton. “Meet The Blacks” is rated R. No rating.
Miles Ahead—This is a bio-pic of the late jazz musician, Miles Davis. Don Cheadle stars as Davis with Ewan McGregor as the Rolling Stone reporter, Dave Brill, who is trying to get an interview with Davis. We see the ups and downs of Miles Davis life. “Miles Ahead” is rated R. Rating of 2 for jazz fans.
APRIL 08, 2016…
Before I Wake has a family dealing with a child’s nightmare’s that come true. Stars Kate Bosworth.
The Boss is a Melissa McCarthy comedy movie in which is she is a business leader who goes to prison.
Demolition has Jake Gyllenhaal in a break-down after a tragedy and trying to rebuild his life.
Mr. Right is a study of manic-depression and stars Sam Rockwell and Anna Kendrick.
Term Life has Vince Vaughn in a comedy about a bank robber.
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