April 06, 2018: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180406
PDF: 20180406

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men. — Roald Dahl, (Willy Wonka) “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”

I have to admit yesterday’s program was pretty sad — and I do want to thank the listener who sent the funeral spray.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“There are advantages to being elected president. The day after I was elected I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.” – Ronald Reagan

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? –Matthew 16:24-26

For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. — 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

After he had said this, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, “I tell you the truth, one of you is going to betray me.” — John 13:21

Thought: I can still remember my friend saying it in church one Sunday: “We think so badly of old Judas for betraying the Lord for 30 pieces of silver, but how many times do we betray him for nothing?” Ouch! What makes this so difficult for us to bear is Jesus’ anguish knowing one of his own would betray him. Let’s make every effort and call upon God’s strength so that such betrayal can never be true of us! And if it ever is, let’s make sure we run toward his grace with an honest desire to escape sin and come back to him!

Prayer: Jesus, I am sorry for the times I have broken your heart with my rebellion and neglect. Father God, I apologize for my lack of passion and zeal for your Son’s sacrifice that saved me from sin and death. I want to live more vibrantly for Jesus so others may see him and come to know him. It is in his precious and holy name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Philippians 4:6 NIV = Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – APRIL 06, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
262 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is THINK ABOUT SPRING CLEANING DAY. ***Don’t actually do it, just think about it.

Today is NORTH POLE DISCOVERY DAY. On this day in 1909 Robert E. Peary’s cook, carpenter, and blacksmith, Mathew Henson, and two Eskimo guides were the first humans to reach the North Pole. Perry arrived 45 minutes later. We don’t know which two of the four Eskimo guides got there first–Coquesh, Ootah, Eginwah, or Seegloo–which is probably why Peary took all the credit.

Today is DROWSY DRIVER AWARENESS DAY. ***Can you be aware and drowsy at the same time? I don’t think you can.

Today is NATIONAL JUMP OVER THINGS DAY. ***I don’t really celebrate this one – it takes too much effort. I will, however, jump to conclusions.

Today is NATIONAL CARAMEL POPCORN DAY. ***Okay, so I WILL jump over someone if free caramel popcorn is up for grabs.

Today is CHRISTMAS DAY. Many scholars believe it was on this day in 6 A.D. that Christ was truly born. ***So… Seasons Greetings!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Army Day
Charlie the Tuna Day
Drowsy Driver Awareness Day
Hospital Admitting Clerks Day
Hostess Twinkie Day
International Day of Sport for Development and Peace
National Pie Day
National Kids Yoga Day
National Student Athlete Day
National Walk To Work Day
New Beers Eve
Tartan Day
Teflon Day
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, APRIL 07

Day of Remembrance of the Victims of the Rwanda Genocide
Every Day is Tag Day
International Beaver Day
International Snailpapers Day
International Pillow Fight Day
Metric System Day
National Beer Day
National Girl Me Too Day
National Handmade Day
National Love Our Children Day
No Housework Day
Tangible Karma Day
World Health Day (UN)
World Health Organization Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 08

Buddah Day (Historical Birth Date)
Draw A Bird Day
International Roma Day
National Dog Fighting Awareness Da
y
Trading Cards For Grown-ups Day

MONDAY, APRIL 09

Appomattox Day
Jenkins Ear Day
Jumbo Day (Elephant
s came to US and created the word for “jumbo” meaning “big” in our language.)
National Cherish An Antique Day
National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day
Winston Churchill Day

TUESDAY, APRIL 10

ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) Day
Equal Pay Day
Free Cone Day (Ben & Jerrys)
National Be Kind To Lawyers Day
National Farm Animals Day
National Library Workers Day
National Library Day
National Sibling Day

Salvation Army Founder’s Day
Safety Pin Day

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11

Barbershop Quartet Day
International “Louie Louie” Day
National Bookmobile Day
National Pet Day
National Teach Children To Save Day
Submarine Day
World Parkinson’s Disease Day

THURSDAY, APRIL 12

Belmont-Paul Women’s Equality Monument Day
Celebrate Teen Literature Day
D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything And Read)
Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day
International Day of Human Space Flight
International Day for Street Children
National Licorice Day
Walk on Your Wild Side Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 13

American Immigration Lawyers Association Day of Action
Blame Someone Else Day
National Donate Life (Blue and Green) Day
Make Lunch Count Day
Scrabble Day
Thomas Jefferson Day

SATURDAY, APRIL 14

American Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Baby Massage Day
Children with Alopecia Day
Dictionary Day
Global Day to End Child Sexual Abuse
International Moment of Laughter Day
National Dolphin Day
National Ex-Spouse Day
National Gardening Day
National Pecan Day
Pan American Day
Pathologists’ Assistant Day
Slow Art Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 15

Jackie Robinson Day
McDonald’s Day
One Boston Day
Rubber Eraser Day
Take a Wild Guess Day
That Sucks Day
World Art Day

MONDAY APRIL 16

Boston Marathon
Emancipation Day
Foursquare Day
National Bean Counter Day
National Health Care Decisions Day
National Orchid Day
Save The Elephant Day

ON THIS DAY

6 BC: This day is believed by some Biblical scholars to be the actual date of the historical birth of Jesus Christ. ***Merry Christmas!!!!!

1868: Brigham married his 27th and last wife. Guess who invented the department store. Yep, Brigham Young. And Brigham’s first store, Zion’s Cooperative Mercantile Institute, is still operating in Salt Lake City. ***With 27 wives he HAD to have his own department store.

1896: The first modern Olympic games formally opened in Athens, Greece.

1931: A little cream-filled sponge cake called the Hostess Twinkie went on sale in the U.S. They were created in order to use shortcake baking pans when strawberries were not in season. (audio clip)

1938: Roy Plunkett invented Teflon. ***If nothing sticks to Teflon, how can they make Teflon stick to the pan?

1954: Swanson & Sons introduced a revolutionary American food product—the TV dinner. ***The stock price of Tums antacid went up drastically that same year.

1958: Arnold Palmer won his first major pro golf tournament, The Masters in Augusta, Georgia.

1968: North America’s most unusual bank opened. The Canadian Bank of Commerce set up shop in a DC-3 to serve outlying areas in the Yukon. ***You’ve heard of drive-in banks, this was a fly-out bank.

1968: The Grand Ole Opry in Nashville canceled its regular Saturday performance because of a city-wide curfew following the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King in Memphis. It’s the only canceled Opry performance.

1973: Baseball’s first ever designated hitter, New York Yankee Ron Blomberg, walked with the bases loaded against Red Sox pitcher Luis Tiant.

1980: Post It Notes were introduced. ***Can you even imagine life without Post-It Notes now? They’re so popular that they even made it to the Mir Space Station before it was shut down. The note said, “Last one out please turn off the lights.”

1982: On New York City’s Wall Street, 44-year-old Jim Priceman found an envelope containing $37-million in negotiable bearer bonds. He immediately returned them to the corporate owner and received a reward of $250. ***Which went directly into his little piggy bank so someday he could own his own monster corporation and be the big important boss that gyps his employees when they do something honorable.

1984: The National Academy of Nannies graduated its first class. ***That was a long time ago – now they’re no longer Nannies… they’re Grannies.

1992: Microsoft introduced Windows version 3.1. The DOS and Apple computer operating systems had serious competition. ***Until Windows VISTA arrived, at which point DOS and Apple felt totally vindicated.

1992: “Barney & Friends” made their TV debut. (audio clip)

1999: Toronto police said that eight out of ten motorists who lost their drivers licenses in court during a ten-day period promptly got into their cars and attempt to drive away. All eight were arrested and had their cars impounded. ***Proving that it’s usually morons that become criminals in the first place.

2000: A private company mapping the human genetic blueprint announced it had decoded all of the DNA pieces that make up the genetic pattern of a single human being.

2003: IRS notified a homeless man in Salem, Oregon, that his $6 million tax bill was a mistake. The 30-year-old, known as the “six million dollar man” by his buddies at the Union Gospel Mission, was told he owed nothing. The IRS refused to comment further on the case.

2004: The University of Connecticut’s women’s basketball team beat Tennessee 70-61 to win a third consecutive NCAA title, a day after UConn also won the men’s championship.

2005: Prince Rainier III of Monaco, one of Europe`s longest-reigning monarchs, died from multiple organ failure at the age of 81. He was succeeded by Prince Albert, one of three children he had with his late wife, American movie star Grace Kelly.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

6 BC: This day is believed by some Biblical scholars to be the actual date of the historical birth of Jesus Christ.

1249: Muslims take King Louis IX of France prisoner during the seventh crusade, which was supposed to overcome the Muslim political center in Egypt. After showing bravery in the face of torture, he was allowed to buy his freedom for a huge sum in gold—and the city of Damietta.

1528: Albrecht Durer, German painter, engraver, and designer of woodcuts, dies. Famous for his religious scenes, he may have been so influenced by Luther (whom he called “the great Christian man who has helped me out of great anxieties”) that he converted to Protestantism. His most popular work is “Praying Hands.

1735: The first Moravians from Europe arrived in America. Invited by colonial governor James Oglethorpe, ten males of the “Unitas Fratrum” landed in Savannah, Georgia after sailing from England in February.

1801: The General Conference of the Methodist Episcopal Church recognizes the new African Methodist Episcopal Church (AME). Blacks who were denied membership and/or recognition within white Methodist churches, particularly in Philadelphia and New York, formed the original AME.

1830: James Augustine Healy, the first black Roman Catholic bishop in America, was born to an Irish planter and a slave on a plantation near Macon, Georgia.

1868: Mormon church leader Brigham Young, 67, married his 27th and last wife. (In all, Brigham Young’s wives bore him 47 children.)

1932: Eric Liddell, the Olympic athlete featured in the film Chariots of Fire, makes his evangelistic debut by sharing his testimony to a group of men in Armadale, Scotland. Liddell later returned to the mission field in China, where he was born, and ministered in an internment camp following the Japanese invasion. He died in 1945 from a massive brain tumor.

1952: American missionary and Auca Indian martyr Jim Elliot wrote in his journal: “Faith makes life so even, gives one such confidence, that the words of men are as wind.”

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Reaper”, “Grounded For Life”) Bret Harrison 36 (audio clip)
  • actress (“Full House”, “Fuller House”) Candace Cameron Bure, 42 (audio clip)
  • actor (“Scrubs”, Garden State) Zach Braff is 43 (audio clip)
  • actor (“The Wonder Years”) Jason Hervey 46 (audio clip)
  • actress (Emma on “Kate & Allie”) Ari Meyers 49 (audio clip)
  • actor (Anchorman, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, “Friends”, Ant-Man) Paul Rudd, 49
  • actor (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Knocked Up) Paul Rudd 49
  • actor (“The Walking Dead”) Michael Rooker, 63
  • actress (“Taxi”, “Evening Shade”) Marilu Henner 66 (audio clip)
  • actor/voice artist (“Cheers”, the Pixar films) John Ratzenberger, 71
  • actor (Return of the Jedi) Billy Dee Williams, 81

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1916 : “Pappy” Wade Ray

1924 : Dorothy Donegan

1927 : Gerry Mulligan

1929 : Andre Previn

1937 : Merle Haggard

1942 : Christopher Franke (Tangerine Dream)

1944 : John Stax (The Pretty Things)

1944 : Michelle Phillips (The Mamas & The Papas)

1947 : Tony Connor (Hot Chocolate)

1951 : Ralph Cooper (Air Supply) Air Supply

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we call people who work off-staff “freelancers?”

The cynics among freelancers will tell you that they are called that because many clients expect them to work practically for free. They are also free to do without employee benefits such as vacations and medical coverage. On the other hand, they do get to set their own hours, write off an espresso and a croissant with a friend as a business expense, and work at home in their underwear. The term originated in the Middle Ages to describe a mercenary knight whose lance was for hire. He was free of any attachment to a particular lord and could be employed on a project-by-project basis–assault a castle, rescue a damsel, the usual stuff. Eventually the term was applied to anyone who was paid by the project or the piece.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

*****NOTE: THIS FEATURE WILL BE TAKING A BREAK FROM MARCH 31 THRU APRL 16. IT WILL RETURN TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2018.*****

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(PERENNIAL) If you’re driving through Vermont these days, watch out for the frogs! Seriously, it’s that time of the year in which the Vermont Department of Fish and Wildlife is warning motorists to drive with caution due to the seasonal migrations of frogs and salamanders. A DFW rep says, “Frogs and salamanders become active on rainy spring nights” as they search out breeding pools. These amphibian ‘hotspots’ can lead to the death of thousands of animals on a single night.” ***Anyone remember Frogger? That was an awesome video game, wasn’t it?

1 in 10 high school seniors have engaged in binge drinking. ***Well, it’s about time American students beat China at something!

Thirty-eight percent of workers admit to occasionally calling in sick when they’re not actually sick.  ***Sick of working… that’s honest though, right?

You have to wonder about the reason for this study.  In a Macquarie University study in Australia, new moms were asked to sniff unlabeled soiled diapers, and it was found that they preferred the smell of their own babies’ diaper-messes.  ***Fathers who were asked to sniff the soiled diapers preferred to punch out the researchers.

Officials in Florida are testing using unmanned aerial vehicles to track down and take out mosquitoes.  ***I’ve seen Florida mosquitoes. Those drones better have Hellfire missiles or they don’t stand a chance.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were excited at the possibility of having our next As the Jungle Turns story be about them. Unfortunately, everyone thinks the story should be about them, specifically. Everyone wants to be the star! And you just know that’s going to cause some problems, and suddenly…

CLOSE: It sounds like a really terrible, awful, disgusting, ugly, smelly, terrifying creature… maybe. Who left the giant footprints? Tune in next time – As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Waiting at long train crossings can be frustrating, but nothing is dumber than trying “to beat the train” by skirting around the gates…

…Ronald Wolf of Walbridge, Ohio, knew this, but thought he had a better idea. After waiting 20 minutes to cross a railroad track because two slow-moving trains had come in succession Wolf realized he’d have to wait some more because another slow moving train was coming. He was frustrated and didn’t want to wait any longer. His idea? Drive onto the tracks and make the third train stop so he could continue on his way. So Wolf weaved his way through the first set of gates and parked his car on the track, stood back, and waited for the train to stop. The train stopped — just after it pushed his car down the tracks a few feet! Thankfully, no one was injured. Ronald was charged with failing to yield.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN LESSONS LEARNED BY KIDS

10.  I’ve learned that girls sweat just as much as boys. — age 11

9.  I’ve learned that it always makes me feel good to see my parents holding hands. — age 13

8.  I’ve learned that you shouldn’t confuse a black crayon with a Tootsie Roll. — age 10

7.  I’ve learned that I would like to be a horse and live on a ranch, if only cowboys didn’t wear spurs. —age 8

6.  I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night”. — age 7

5.  I’ve learned that milk helps keep your bones from bending over. —age 7

4.  I’ve learned that the teacher always calls on me the time I don’t know the answer. — age 9

3.  I’ve learned how to hold animals without killing them.— age 5

2.  I’ve learned that when you have three of your wild friends in the car the driver freaks. — age 9

1.  I’ve learned that sometimes my mother laughs so hard that she snorts. —age 7

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Drinking and driving is dumb.  So is playing with matches.

FILE #1: Police in upstate New York accuse student Christopher Chianese of going through a lot of trouble to avoid a DWI court date. Now he’s in a lot more trouble. He’s charged with torching the new municipal offices in Seneca Falls that housed the court. He allegedly set fire to the building just hours before he was to answer a felony charge of driving while intoxicated. Now he faces a charge of third-degree arson and was ordered held on 200-thousand dollars cash bail. If convicted, he could get up to 15 years in prison.

FILE #2: Imagine cruising down the road and looking over to see a real live cow in someone’s back seat! It happened recently in Russia and 4 men have been arrested and charged with stealing a pregnant cow and escaping with it squeezed into their car. Police picked up the men after the 660 pound cow had traveled 37 miles in the car with her head sticking out of the window.

FILE #3: Joe Cary, who had his door shot in the middle of the day. Joe called the police, but the shooter vanished before they arrived.  When the police showed up, Joe stood outside his door… with a gun of his own.  Now, you’d think that these police officer’s would appreciate an upstanding citizen defending himself… with a gun… being waved around with one hand… while holding a bottle of vodka in the other.  Guess who was arrested?  I think I’ve seen this episode of Cops.

STRANGE LAW: In Utah, it’s against the law to fish from horseback.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A man in Los Angeles has very unusual excuse for his erratic driving.

Randall Richman says he wasn’t drinking alcohol, he had consumed lighter fluid. He was pulled over for speeding and for driving without his headlights on. The police reported that the man’s breath smelled of “an odor of an unknown alcoholic beverage.” The 32-year-old magician claims that it wasn’t liquor that was detected; it was three types of lighter fluid. Richman says he had just taught a fire-eating class in Hollywood when he was pulled over by police. The defense has worked before. In 1991, a San Francisco jury acquitted professional fire-eater Ted Maschal on similar charges.

PHONER PHUN

What’s the fastest courtship — from meeting to getting married — that you know about?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Just before the children of Israel were about to enter the Promised Land the priests stood at the Jordan River and dipped their feet into it. What happened next?
ANSWER: The water stopped and they crossed on dry ground (Joshua 3:15-17)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ‘dw’ and they are all common words.  What are those words?

ANSWER: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In 1902 the game table tennis was brought to the U.S. from Europe by Mattell. (False – Parker Brothers)

2. In a day, an elephant can drink 800 gallons of water. (False – 80 gallons)

3. The most disliked vegetable by Americans is brussels sprouts. (True)

4. When former Texas Governor James Hogg was on his deathbed he made a special request that an apple tree tree be planted at the head of his grave instead of a tombstone. (False – he wanted a pecan tree. The governor passed away on March 2, 1906, which is Texas Independence Day. The pecan tree is now the state tree of Texas.)

5. Watermelons are considered a good gift to give a host in Japan and China. (True)

6. On average, falling asleep while driving results in an average of 55 accidents per day in the United States. (False – 550 accidents per day!)

7. Chocolate was used as medicine during the 18th century. (True. It was believed that chocolate could cure a stomach ache.)

8. McDonald’s Restaurant uses 7% of the potatoes grown in the United States to make their french fries. (True)

9. The Cantaloupe was first cultivated in Cantaloupo, Italy and that is how it got its name. (True)

10. ChapStick Lip Balm can be applied to skin to stop bleeding caused by shaving. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

SOLAR FLARE HITS ______ (EARTH)

It’s a fast-moving eruption that is sending a large amount of radiation toward Earth.

The solar flare occurred at about 11 p.m. EST Saturday and will hit Earth with three different effects at three different times. The biggest issue is radiation, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s Space Weather Prediction Center in Colorado.

The radiation is a concern for massive satellite disruptions and astronauts in space. It can cause communication problems for polar-traveling airplanes, said space weather center physicist Darvin Zillman.

Radiation from Saturday’s flare arrived at Earth an hour later and will likely continue through Wednesday. Levels are considered extreme. .

The radiation – in the form of protons – came flying out of the sun at 193 million miles per hour.

“The whole volume of space between here and Jupiter is just filled with protons and you just don’t get rid of them like that,” Zillman said. That’s why the effects will stick around for weeks.

NASA’s flight surgeons and solar experts examined the solar flare’s expected effects and decided that the six astronauts on the International Space Station do not have to do anything to protect themselves from the radiation, spokesman Rob Natinas said.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.
“Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.” He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
“You’re not there, Coach,” he reported.
“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”

JOKE #2

Tim and Dianne were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds. At the tollbooth, Tim asked the attendant, “What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?”

The tollbooth attendant didn’t miss a beat. She answered, “We take the rocks out of our pockets.”

JOKE #3

One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. 
”No problem,” I told him. “Make it up the following week.”

That week came, and again he couldn’t take the test due to another funeral. 
”You’ll have to take the test early next week,” I insisted. “I can’t keep postponing it.”

“I’ll take the test next week if no one dies,” he told me.

By now I was suspicious. “How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?” I asked.

“I don’t know any of these people,” he said. “But I’m the only gravedigger in town.”

USELESS FACTS

In Seattle the manhole covers have a map of the city – and a ‘You are here’ mark.  ***So you don’t need a map in Seattle – just stop your car in the middle of traffic and crawl on the pavement to the sewer hole.

According to a recent study, small doses of chocolate every day could decrease your risk of having a heart attack or stroke by nearly 40 percent.  ***I eat at least five times that much – I must be healthy as a horse!

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE MOMMY TEST

I was out walking with my then 3 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
“Why?”
“Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.”
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”
“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, “Um, it’s on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a mommy.”
“Oh.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
I get it!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

DANGEROUS DRYERS

Ever wonder how many injuries a year are caused by bathroom hand dryers? Neither have I.

Every year a little over 1000 people in America are injured by automatic bathroom hand dryers. Apparently the injuries occur when the machines malfunction and people have their hands or other body parts sucked into the device. You should know there’s never been an injury reported with machines made in the U-S. ***MARLAR: So stay away from those sporty imports!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

FAIR IS FAIR

A Christian once visited a farmer to talk to him about Christ. “I wouldn’t come to church up there.” the farmer said. “I know old so and so church goer who claims to be a Christian and So and So who attends church there who claims to be a Christian and they don’t live any differently from me. I’m as good as they are.”

Everywhere the farmer went he told about the hypocrites in that Church. Months passed and the Christian brother went to see the farmer again.

“I want to buy a hog”, said the Christian. The farmer showed all his best hogs to him. Then they came to the runt. “I believe I will take that one” the, Christian said. BUT you don’t want that one. He’s the worst runt to the litter.

“I sure do” said the Christian. So they loaded the runt in the truck. “Now,” said the Christian “what if I take this pig here from your farm and ride all over this area telling folks that this is the kind of hogs you raise?”

“That’s not fair!” the farmer exclaimed. “I have some nice hogs and you want to show people that runt?!”

To which the Christian replied, “If it’s fair for the church it’s fair for the hogs!”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

BACKSEAT INSTRUCTION

I was driving in heavy traffic on 285, the perimeter road in Atlanta, cars moving at a fast rate of speed on all six lanes. I was in the far left lane when I realized my exit was just one away, and I needed to cross over many lanes to exit the freeway. My daughter was in the back seat and I asked her to look out the back window, telling me when I could move over, lane by lane.

She gave me specific directions – “O.K., mom” or, “after this red car,” or, “not now !” I listened to her with complete confidence that she knew what she was talking about and I never turned my own head to make sure she was correct. I followed her directions and made it to the exit lane with plenty of time to spare.
Oh that I would listen to God that way. He does tell me how to maneuver from one lane of life to another, and He is always ready, willing and able to give me those directions. I need to listen to Him and follow those directions, not turning my head and using my own eyes to plot my course. If I do this, I will make it safely to the other side of the road of life.
–Marion Smith.

LEFTOVERS

LOOK OUT PORKY PIG!

What would you do if you found your neighbor was having lunch with your pet – and your pet was the main course!
A Deming, New Mexico woman was recently at a loss when she drove into her driveway and realized that her pet pig was missing! So, like any good pet pig owner, she went looking for it with her 3-year-old son. After searching for hours, Sadie Emerson spotted a group of people having a party near their mobile home, and on the table – you guessed it – was her pet potbellied pig named “Tiny Boo”. Apparently the neighbor shot the pig with a rifle “after the animal tried to attack him” and then decided to make use of the dead pig by having a neighborhood pork barbecue. The good neighbor has been accused of cruelty to animals and will appear in court. ***MARLAR: If this is cruelty to animals, Oscar Meyer is in big trouble.

LIFE… LIVE IT

MAY I BORROW YOUR EVERYTHING?

Do you snoop when you use another person’s bathroom… want to know how many people do?

If there’s something in your medicine cabinet you don’t want anyone to see, you better hide it somewhere. A survey of Americans shows that 39-percent admit they snoop when they visit someone else’s bathroom. What’s more, 25-percent admit they USE the items they find, like make-up, combs, and lip gloss. ***MARLAR: Something to think about next time you use your toothbrush!

JUST FOR FUN

LOST POLICE OFFICER

Get lost easily? Just be glad you’re not a police officer!

If you ever get lost in Philadelphia, do not ask police officer Margo Grady for directions. The four-year veteran was trying to get to the police Special Victim’s Unit in Bridesburg, Pennsylvania. She instead ended up in Newark, New Jersey — 85 miles away from her intended destination! Police said Grady missed an exit and just kept driving. And driving. When she didn’t make it to her intended destination, police became concerned, especially when they tried to reach her by radio (she was out of radio range) and got no answer. They eventually sent out people looking for her and even employed helicopters for the search before they finally tracked her down. All told, her little tour took about four hours! ***MARLAR: I could understand this story if it were a male police officer – but this is a woman. Since when do THEY not stop and ask for directions?

FUN LIST

TWO FACES OF DOCTORS: What they say versus what they’re really thinking.

10. “This should be taken care of right away.” — I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

9. “Welllllll, what have we here…?” — He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

8. “Let me check your medical history.” — I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

7. “We have some good news and some bad news.” — The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

6. “Let’s see how it develops.” — Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

5. “Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.” — I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. –I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

4. “Let me schedule you for some tests.” — I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

3. “I’d like to prescribe a new drug.” — I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

2. “If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.” — I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

1. “Everything seems to be normal.” — Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Does being a perfectionist mean you’ll also have perfect health? Probably not. In fact, just the opposite is more likely the case.

Perfectionists, by definition, strive for the best, trying to ace exams, be meticulous at their jobs, and raise perfect children, you might assume this translates over to their health as well, with perfectionist being models for physical and mental well-being. While perfection is an impossible goal, striving for it can be a boon for one’s health, causing one to stick to exercise programs to a tee, say, or follow a strict regimen for treating chronic illnesses like type 2 diabetes. But the same lofty goals can mean added mental pressure when mistakes are made and the resistance to asking for help from others in fear of revealing one’s true, imperfect self.  In fact studies show the personality trait of perfectionism is linked to poor physical health and an increased risk of death.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

That passionate kiss you two shared last night not only set your heart aflutter, but also gave you something else: 80 million germs. Just 10 seconds of French kissing can transfer as many as 80 million microbes from one person to another, according to a study from the Netherlands. “Intimate kissing, involving full tongue contact and saliva exchange, appears to be a courtship behavior unique to humans and is common in over 90 percent of known cultures,” study author Remco Kort, from TNO’s Microbiology and Systems Biology department in the Netherlands, said in a BioMed Central news release. “To our knowledge, the exact effects of intimate kissing on the oral microbiota [microscopic living organisms] have never been studied,” Kort added. “We wanted to find out the extent to which partners share their oral microbiota, and it turns out, the more a couple kiss, the more similar they are.” One interesting finding: Germs on the tongue were more similar among couples, compared with strangers. That is, those who smooch a lot with each other share similar germs. Do keep this in mind: When it comes to germs, the mouth is a bit player as it houses only 700 types of bacteria. Compare that to the rest of the body, which has more than 100 trillion microorganisms, some of which assist with fighting disease and digesting food.

Do you notice a difference in your brainpower based on the season? It could very well be that cold temperatures or steamy, humid days can make a difference in how well you think and even in the strength of your short-term memory, reports HealthDay News of research from the University of Liege in Belgium. A study found attention skills were best near the summer solstice in June and worst near the winter solstice in December. Short-term memory was best in the fall and worst in the spring. How do the seasons affect our brainpower? It’s not totally clear, but the researchers think it is multiple factors, such as seasonal changes in humidity, temperature, the length of days and even social interaction between people that are involved.

Ladies, you get mad at him. So you stop talking to him to punish him. If you’re familiar with “the silent treatment” — either as the instigator or the receiver — you are not alone. It is the most common pattern of conflict in relationships, and it causes the most damage. Silence may be golden, but the silent treatment can ruin a relationship, according to Paul Schrodt, a professor of communication studies at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth. He arrived at this conclusion after leading a team in a meta-analysis of 74 studies that included more than 14,000 participants. The research showed that couples who engage in the demand-withdraw pattern do experience lower relationship satisfaction, less intimacy and poorer communication. And the damage can be not only emotional with feelings of anxiety and aggression, but also physical with such symptoms as urinary, bowel and other issues. The takeaway: Start talking through your problems instead of maintaining a haughty silence.

Just weeks after IKEA announced its range of pet furniture, Japanese craft collective Okawa Kagu has come out with a competing range of miniature items for cats. The pieces are scaled down versions of regular sized furniture that already exist, which means you can get matching pieces for you and your cat. Okawa Kagu is specializing in cat pieces, including sofas and beds. So if you reeeeeeally love your cat, you might want to give it a look!
http://www.womansworld.com/posts/you-can-now-buy-a-matching-sofa-for-you-and-your-cat-145745

A stormy weekend led to free electricity in Germany as wind generation reached a record, forcing power producers to pay customers the most since Christmas 2012 to use electricity. Power prices turned negative as wind output reached 39,409 megawatts on Saturday, equivalent to the output of about 40 nuclear reactors. To keep the grid supply and demand in balance, negative prices encourage producers to either shut power stations or else pay consumers to take the extra electricity off the network.  ***Shouldn’t those who live in “The Windy City” of Chicago be able to do something with this to make it more affordable to live there?
https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2017-10-30/record-winds-in-germany-spur-free-electricity-at-weekend-chart

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

How do you get more students to pass a test in order to graduate? You work harder at teaching them, right?  Right… unless you’re in California… they just want to lower the passing grade required so the students can stay dumb and graduate anyway!

There’s a high school graduation requirement in California’s government schools, and it sounds like a really good idea… it’s a high school exit exam. High school students will take the exam once a year, starting in the ninth grade, until they pass. If, by the end of their senior year, they haven’t passed the exit exam, then they don’t graduate with their class. So this should force students and teachers to be more accountable in their education, right? Wrong. Turns out that only a fourth of 9th grade students who took the test in 2001 (when this new rule was enacted) would actually pass… and that’s with the minimum passing scores set at 70 percent.  So, get this… the state board of education met to discuss – guess what? — LOWERING the passing score!  Instead of working harder to be better teachers and to make better students, they’re considering letting the kids stay dumb and passing them anyway!  Why?  Because high passing rates make happy parents and make the administrators look good. Low passing rates mean angry parents, embarrassed educators, and a slew of work needed to bring those test scores up. So instead of working harder to get the children a better education, we’ll just lower the standards so we don’t have to work as hard… yeah… I guess that’s an option.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

I went for a walk last night and my wife asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, “The whole time.”

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, “Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”

“I’d rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not.” –Lucille Ball

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


APRIL 06, 2018…

You Were Really Here—This film is a thriller taken from the novella by Jonathan Ames.  It is about trying to find a young woman (Ekaterina Samsonod) who has been kidnapped and forced into the sex trade. A detective (Joaquin Phoenix) tries to find her. Someone is just one step ahead of Joaquin. Also in the cast is John Doman. “You Were Really Here” is rated R. No rating.

Blockers—A comedy, starring John Cena, and about parents who try to prevent their teen-age daughters from that first date of going all the way. The parents do a covert operation and follow the girls.  The cast includes Lesley Mann,  Kathryn Newton, Gary Cole and Gina Gershon. “Blockers” is rated PG-13 No rating.

A Quiet Place—John Krasinski stars, wrote, and directs this film that also has his wife, Emily Blunt, as one of the cast.  It is a combination thriller-/horror film about a family whose house is invaded by strangers that hunt by sound.  What to do and just how quiet can you keep, anyway? Also in the cast are Noah Jupe and Millicent Simmonds. “A Quiet Place” is rated R. No rating.

The Endless—A horror film with another actor, Justin Benson, who wrote/directs/and stars in his film. Not much information given, but other cast members include Aaron Moorhead, Callie Hernandez and Lew Temple. “The Endless” is rated R. No rating.

Paul: An Apostle (also called The Apostle Paul)—This film is opening slowly around the country. It stars James Faulkner (“Downton Abbey”) as Paul, and a great part of the film has Paul in prison during the time Nero is Emperor. Hence, the persecution of Christians and doubts within the new church as to what to do amid all the problems they are encountering. Jim Caviezel plays Luke, a physician here, and a friend of Paul, who attempts to help him in prison. Other characters include a Roman soldier and a sick child. The early church, had its problems, and how it managed to continue is thought-provoking. “Paul: An Apostle” is rated PG 13 for violence. Rating of 2.

APRIL 13, 2018…

 Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero is a real life canine hero of WWI and he is a Boston terrier. Human star is Logan Lerman.

The Rider is based on a true story of a professional rodeo rider who overcomes difficulties.

Miracle Season is based on the true story of the Iowa City West High School  Girls  Volleyball team. Stars Erin Moriarity.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.