April 07, 2015: Tuesday ONAIRprep

 

CLICK HERE FOR A .DOC VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20150407

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This morning my tongue feels like I used it to loosen a few screws. Regular screws — and I have a Phillips tongue. –TomsLake

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. — Luke 12:6-7

 

Now as Jesus was going up to Jerusalem, he took the twelve disciples aside and said to them, “We are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of Man will be betrayed to the chief priests and the teachers of the law. They will condemn him to death and will turn him over to the Gentiles to be mocked and flogged and crucified. On the third day he will be raised to life!” — Matthew 20:17-19

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord. — John 20:19

 

Thought: Overjoyed would be an understatement! After having every dream shattered, now they share the unspeakable joy of seeing what was not possible and experiencing what was unthinkable. The power available to them is now unlimited and their future is without boundary. Jesus, their Teacher, is Lord of all and their future is in his hands.

 

Prayer: I praise you, O mighty God, for raising Jesus from the dead and for the assurance that I will one day be with you and with all those who love you. Thank you for doing what is not possible and giving me faith in what is unimaginable. Please use this power to conform my character to your will and to the example of Christ. In Christ Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

Philippians 4:7 NIV = And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

 

TODAY IS TUESDAY – APRIL 07, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 263 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is NATIONAL COFFEE CAKE DAY.  *** I’ll take mine double-white, double-sweet with an extra shot of espresso!

 

This is FAMILIES LAUGHING THROUGH STORIES WEEK, time to tell funny family stories. *** So how about it – what are you family’s funny stories?

 

Today is NO HOUSEWORK DAY, no bed-making, no dishes, no trash, no guilt (sponsored by the Wellness Permission League of Lebanon, Pennsylvania at 717-279-0184). Some call today LET SOMEONE ELSE CLEAN DAY. *** Known here simply as “Tuesday.”

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Day of Remembrance of the Victims o Rwanda Genocide

International Beaver Day

International Snailpapers Day

Metric System Day

National Beer Day

National Sexual Assault Awareness Month’s Day of Action (SAAM)

No Housework Day

World Health Day (UN)

World Health Organization Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 08

Draw a Bird Day

International Roma Day

National Dog Fighting Awareness Day

Trading Cards For Grown-Ups Day

 

THURSDAY, APRIL 09

National Alcohol Screening Day

National Cherish An Antique Day

National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day

Appomattox Day

Jenkins Ear Day

Winston Churchill Day

 

FRIDAY, APRIL 10

ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) Day

National Farm Animals Day

National Siblings Day

Salvation Army Founders’ Day

Safety Pin Day

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 11

Baby Massage Day

Barbershop Quartet Day

Education and Sharing Day

International “Louie Louie” Day

International Table Top Day

National Pet Day

National Teach Children to Save Day

Slow Art Day

Submarine Day

World Parkinson’s Disease Day

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 12

D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything And Read)

Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day

International Day of Human Space Flight

Global Day to End Child Sexual Abuse

International Day for Street Children

Walk On Your Wild Side Day

 

MONDAY, APRIL 13

Scrabble Day

Thomas Jefferson Day

Undiagnosed Children’s Awareness Day

 

TUESDAY, APRIL 14

Children With Alopecia Day

Dictionary Day

Equal Pay

International Moment of Laughter Day

National Be Kind To Lawyers Day

National Dolphin Day

National Library Workers Day

National Library Day

National Pecan Day

Pan American Day

Pathologists’ Assistant Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1860: Will Kellogg was born in Battle Creek, Michigan. Will’s physician brother John developed corn flakes and other cereals to serve to patients at his mental hospital, and Will founded the Kellogg company to market the cereals. (audio clip)

 

1864: To raise money for charity, the first camel race in America was held in Sacramento.

 

1902: The Texas Fuel Company was founded just outside Beaumont, Texas. Later it became known as Texaco, now owned by Shell.

 

1927: An audience in New York saw an image of U.S. Commerce Secretary Herbert Hoover in the first successful long-distance demonstration of television.

 

1949: The Rodgers and Hammerstein musical “South Pacific” opened on Broadway. (audio clip)

 

1952: “I Love Lucy” became the #1 TV show with an episode entitled, “The Marriage License.” (audio clip)

 

1963: Golfer Jack Nicklaus won his first Masters title. He was 23 years old.

 

1966: The U.S. found a hydrogen bomb it had lost off the coast of Spain. It was fine.

 

1970: Actor John Wayne received an Oscar for Best Actor for his role in “True Grit.

 

1997: An Amsterdam university began offering a course entitled “Madonna 101.”

 

1998: Three inmates at New York’s Rikers prison were indicted after one smuggled a gun into the jail and another shot the third in the leg as part of a scheme to sue the city. The mastermind, as you might expect, was the guy who got shot.

 

1999: An Israeli couple was hospitalized for fatigue after kissing in Tel Aviv for 30 hours and 45 minutes. Dror Orpaz and Karmit Tsubera set a world record and won a trip around the world. But they were really tired.

 

2002: Police in Moss, Norway, said they caught an assault suspect trying to escape naked on a single roller skate. They’ve charged the man after he allegedly attacked a woman delivering his newspaper. The woman said the man was angry at the number of advertising flyers that came with his paper, so he hit her over the head repeatedly with the paper. Though not hurt seriously, she said it was a little scary.

 

2003: The U.S. Supreme Court voted upheld a 50-year-old Virginia law making it a crime to burn a cross as an act of intimidation.

 

2005: The popular painkiller Bextra was removed from the U.S. market and a warning was put on Celebrex after the Food and Drug Administration cautioned that similar prescription drugs could lead to risk of heart attack or stroke.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1199: England’s King Richard I, the “Lionhearted,” dies at age 41. Richard, as one of the three leaders of the Third Crusade, negotiated Christian access to Jerusalem.

 

1498: Franciscan friars arrange an “ordeal by fire” in Florence to settle the dispute between reforming preacher Jerome Savonarola and Pope Alexander VI. Alexander had excommunicated Savonarola for preaching against papal corruption; Savonarola responded by calling for the pope to step down. If Savonarola’s friend Fra Domenico could walk safely between two walls of fire, God was supposedly on the Florentine city-manager’s side. But Savonarola never sent Domenico out. The crowd rioted, Savonarola’s power crumbled, and he was soon arrested, tortured, and executed.

 

1541: On his thirty-fifth birthday, Francis Xavier, cofounder of the Society of Jesus (Jesuits), sets sail from Lisbon, Portugal, for Goa, India. The first Roman Catholic missionary there, he also traveled to Japan, Sri Lanka, and other countries in Asia. It is hard to say how many people Xavier, the Roman Catholic patron saint of all missions, converted; the figure goes as high as 1 million, but modern scholars peg the number around 30,000. Jesuits claim 700,000.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Comedian/TV host (“MTV Jams,” The Brothers, Any Given Sunday) Bill Bellamy, 50
  • Actor (Master & Commander, Gladiator, Cinderella Man, A Beautiful Mind) Russell Crowe, 51
  • actor-director (Around the World in 80 Days, Rush Hour 1,2,3, Shanghai Knights, Shanghai Noon) Jackie Chan 61
  • Actor (Miracle Dogs, Ghosts of Mississippi, Capt. John McIntyre “Trapper” on TV’s “M*A*S*H”) Wayne Rogers, 82 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1908 : Percy Faith

1915 : Billie Holiday

1920 : Ravi Shankar

1923 : Mongo Santamaria

1935 : Bobby Bare

1937 : Charlie Thomas (The Drifters)

1938 : Spencer Dryden (Jefferson Airplane, New Riders of the Purple Sage)

1943 : Mick Abrahams (Jethro Tull)

1946 : Bill Kreutzmann (Grateful Dead)

1947 : Pat Bennett (The Chiffons)

1948 : Carol Douglas

1949 : John Oates (Hall & Oates)

1951 : Janis Ian

1952 : Bruce Gary (The Knack)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Where do we get the term, “long in the tooth?”

“Long in the tooth,” meaning “old,” was originally used to describe horses. As horses age, their gums recede, giving the impression that their teeth are growing. The longer the teeth look, the older the horse.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Hawk Nelson frontman Jon Steingard is finding an interesting difference between Twitter and Instagram. He did a poll on both asking if he should grow a beard or go clean shaven. Jon says his Instagram followers overwhelmingly said to grow a beard. Twitter followers, on the other hand, unanimously said no beard.

 

Paul Baloche admitted that he recently was binging on a bag of Cheetos. He said it wasn’t his proudest moment and wanted some company, going on to ask: What’s your late night “shame snack”?

 

Jonny Diaz: I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

 

Don’t mess with Jeremy Camp’s wife Adie. She tweeted that she is a martial arts addict and attached a picture of her self and her daughter preparing for a workout. Adie Camp said it’s the best workout ever.

 

There is dissension in the ranks at Casting Crowns. Frontman Mark Hall tweeted this week: dear Skittles, we would like our lime green skittles back now please. Sincerely everyone. However bass player Chris Hoffman replied: the lime Skittle taste like the smell of floor cleaner. No thanks. Mark asked: Are you positive? Maybe you should try some floor cleaner and make sure. But Chris left no doubt regarding his position on the matter. He shot back: in the word of Si Robertson, “NAH!” We’ll keep you up to date on the continuing saga. No word on if mediation will be required.

 

Another groaner from Citizenway: What do sea monsters eat? Fish and Ships.

 

Chonda Pierce says she has a whole mound of new material. The Christian comedian says a girlfriend talk to her into signing up for online dating site. Chonda added that, although she didn’t find a man, she did find a lot of new material. She tweeted: I’m not sure if I should laugh or cry. I’m also not sure if I have enough tattoos. This is going to be a hoot.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Alaskans wonder: When will the ice on the river break up?
FAIRBANKS, Alaska (AP) — People who want to participate in Alaska’s biggest guessing contest have until Sunday to buy tickets for the Nenana Ice Classic. Thousands of people each year pay to try to guess the exact date and time the ice will break up on the Tanana River in Nenana. Each guess…

 

Not a whopper: Pot-bellied pig creates stir at Burger King
BOSWELL, Pa. (AP) — Did you hear the one about the pot-bellied pig at Burger King? Pennsylvania State Police swear it’s not a whopper. Troopers from the Somerset barracks were called to the restaurant on U.S. Route 30 near Boswell in southwestern Pennsylvania after the pet wandered from its…
DNA testing for dog poop on the rise in Seattle area
SEATTLE (AP) — Frustrated with dog owners who refuse to clean up after their pets, an increasing number of apartments in Seattle are opting to use DNA testing to identify the culprits. HASH(0x13df910) Erin Atkinson, property manager at Potala Village Apartments in Everett says the messes are…
Roaming ‘disorderly’ goat corralled after head-butting door
PARAMUS, N.J. (AP) — A “disorderly” goat has been corralled in northern New Jersey, and authorities are now trying to determine who owns the wayward animal. Two Paramus police officers nabbed the small white goat shortly after 5 p.m. Saturday. The department says on its Facebook page they…
Driving lesson ends with teen hitting building, 3 gas meters
WOODBRIDGE, N.J. (AP) — New Jersey police say a teenager who had just received her learner’s permit drove into an apartment building and struck three gas meters after hitting the accelerator instead of the brake. The 16-year-old was getting a driver’s lesson from her father Thursday night in…
Police in Central Texas help round up buffalo on the loose
ROUND ROCK, Texas (AP) — A buffalo that roamed away from home has been recaptured after being cornered by police in Central Texas in a chase through a residential area. Round Rock police were dispatched Friday morning when the owner reported the buffalo jumped some fences at a rural property…
Cambodian cinema puts brakes on ‘Furious 7’ competition
PHNOM PENH, Cambodia (AP) — A cinema chain in the Cambodian capital has apologized for what it called a “Fast and Furious Competition,” which was criticized for encouraging participants to drive fast and post online photos of their speedometers. Legend Cinemas had launched the competition…
Utah man returns 75-pound bag of cash found on highway
SALT LAKE CITY (AP) — A Utah man got a surprise when he stopped to pull a large orange bag off the highway, fearing that it would become a traffic hazard. HASH(0x1420780) “I thought it was going to be light. I reached down to grab it, and I couldn’t move it,” Kennedy said. Approximately 4…
Judge says court battle over giant emerald can proceed
LOS ANGELES (AP) — A Los Angeles judge has ruled a trial can go forward to determine ownership of an emerald weighing 840 pounds that was hauled out of a Brazilian mine more than a decade ago. The 180,000-carat emerald is at the center of a court battle between gem traders, miners, real…
No charges in Snow Kone Joe-Mr. Ding-a-Ling ice cream fight    photo
GLOVERSVILLE, N.Y. (AP) — A judge has dismissed stalking and harassment charges filed against an ice cream truck operator who had been accused of trying to run his rival, Mr. Ding-A-Ling, out of their small New York town. Prosecutors in Fulton County say a judge in Gloversville dismissed the…
Candidate died in 2012, but his name might be on 2015 ballot
LEXINGTON, Ky. (AP) — Perennial candidate Gatewood Galbraith died in 2012, but that might not stop his name from appearing on the 2015 ballot for Kentucky governor. No, he’s not running from beyond the grave. Terrill Wayne Newman, 68, of Pulaski County legally changed his name on Tuesday to…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Texas grocery chain H-E-B pulls all Blue Bell products    photo
SAN ANTONIO (AP) — Texas grocery chain H-E-B is pulling Blue Bell Ice Cream from shelves as a precaution after a recall of some of the ice cream maker’s products that were connected to three deaths in Kansas. H-E-B, with more than 300 stores in Texas and northern Mexico, said the decision…

 

Indiana begins needle exchange in county with HIV outbreak    photo
AUSTIN, Ind. (AP) — Health officials in Indiana on Saturday began a needle-exchange program Saturday in a county where an HIV outbreak among intravenous drug users has grown to nearly 90 cases. Scott County’s needle-exchange program was created through an emergency executive order signed by…
Tax refunds for many take hit or get bump from health law    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — As the April 15 tax deadline nears, people who got help paying for health insurance under President Barack Obama’s law are seeing the direct effect on their refunds — hundreds of dollars, for better or worse. The law offers tax credits so people without access to…
Dallas hospital seeks dismissal of nurse’s suit over Ebola
DALLAS (AP) — A hospital operator denied allegations of poor training and improper preparation in seeking dismissal of a lawsuit by a nurse who contracted Ebola while caring for the first U.S. patient to succumb to the deadly disease. HASH(0x141a010) Pham, who remains employed at Texas Health…
Campaigner of rare premature aging condition dies at 17    photo
LONDON (AP) — A campaigner who raised awareness of the rare genetic condition progeria, which causes those affected to age about eight times faster than average, has died at age 17. The U.S.-based Progeria Research Foundation said Hayley Okines, from East Sussex in England, died Thursday at…
Chicago businessmen follow promise of medical marijuana    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — Late one Saturday night, Rob Sampson had a confrontation with his 15-year-old daughter about marijuana. But it was his daughter doing the confronting and it was Sampson defending the drug. Sampson and his wife, after a long night of polishing his new company’s applications to…
Study: NYC health workers’ ethics are compromised in jails    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — New York City jail health workers say their medical ethics are often compromised by the demands of treating patients who are also prisoners, such as when they witness guards’ use of force or are asked to approve stints in solitary confinement, according to a first-of-its-kind…
Pfizer stops China vaccine sales as import license expires
Pfizer has stopped selling its Prevnar 7 pneumonia vaccine in China after its import license expired, but the U.S. drugmaker still intends to launch the world’s most widely used vaccine, Prevnar 13, in that market. The world’s second-biggest drugmaker by revenue said that it stopped sales…
Behind the wheel: 3 of 4 teens drive, fewer in bigger cities
NEW YORK (AP) — A new government study finds about 3 out of 4 older teens are driving, but rates vary widely by state and city. Hawaii had the lowest percentage of teen drivers, at 53 percent. North Dakota and South Dakota had the largest proportions, at about 90 percent. The teen driving…
Appeals court: Yoga doesn’t bend rules on religious freedom    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — Yoga taught in a San Diego County school system is not a gateway to Hinduism and doesn’t violate the religious rights of students or their parents, a California appeals court ruled Friday. The 4th District Court of Appeal in San Diego upheld a lower court ruling that tossed…
Imported drug-resistant stomach bug spreading in US    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — A drug-resistant strain of a nasty stomach bug made its way into the U.S. and spread, causing more than 200 illnesses since last May, health officials said Thursday. Many cases were traced to people who had recently traveled to the Dominican Republic, India or other countries….

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

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NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Ryanair is promising to sell one-way trans-Atlantic flights for just $15. The flights won’t happen for awhile, and there are some catches. Travelers can expect to pay fees for just about everything on the flight.  ***MARLAR: Still, it would be totally worth it – especially if we can buy one-way tickets for people like Kanye West, Justin Bieber and Azealia Banks. And anyone with the last name of Kardashian.  (Feel free to add more to the list.)

 

In a study done by the creators of the smartphone app Bartrendr (it’s like Yelp for beer), 40% of Americans can’t spell Budweiser.  ***MARLAR: Duh.  That’s why we just say “Bud”.  (Ironically, this study is done by an app that’s name is purposely misspelled without the last “e” in the word “Bartender”.  Hypocrites.)

 

A suspected car thief in Madera, California came up with a unique disguise recently: he spray-painted his face black. Police arrested Jose Espinoza after he fled from a stolen car parked near his home. He returned to his house a little while later, but this time his face was covered in black spray paint in an attempt to disguise himself. A post on the Madera Police Department’s Facebook page noted: “The camouflage was ineffective.”  ***MARLAR: Hey, this guy was in black face – so this counts as a hate crime, right?

 

It may have been the easiest driving while intoxicated arrest ever made by the New York State Police.  Authorities say a trooper was driving a marked patrol car when he stopped to fill his gas tank at a convenience store in Brunswick, near Albany.  While the trooper was gassing up, state police say, a 50-year-old man from nearby Troy pulled in and parked next to the trooper’s car. Police say the man got out of his vehicle and walked directly into the trooper’s car.  Officials say the man showed obvious signs of intoxication and was questioned by the trooper. Police say the man failed field sobriety tests and was arrested for DWI. Trooper say his blood-alcohol content was 0.18 percent, more than twice the legal limit.  ***MARLAR: He was also charged with damage of police property because his breath stripped the paint off the patrol car.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A study by the U.S. Forest Service found less crime occurs in neighborhoods with big trees in the yards, and more crime at homes with smaller trees.  Small trees may aid criminals by providing hiding places for criminals.  ***MARLAR: Wouldn’t you think LARGE trees would be easier to hide behind?  You have to wonder if the guys doing this study are working for the government because no one in the private sector would hire them.

 

A new chemical could make human teeth ‘cavity proof’ – and do away with the need for visits to the dentists forever.  The chemical wipes out all the bacteria that cause cavities in just 60 seconds in tests. It could be on the market in 14 to 18 months.  ***MARLAR: I would say this is exciting – but this wouldn’t be a big change in my lifestyle, I already gave up flossing back in 1992.

 

People who are thin apparently still need to worry about fat on the INSIDE.  Some doctors now think that the internal fat surrounding vital organs like the heart and liver could be as dangerous as the more obvious external fat that bulges underneath the skin.  ***MARLAR: So you can be a 99-pound weakling, and still be morbidly obese?  What’s the point of trying anymore?

 

Americans will keep growing fatter until 42 percent of the nation is considered obese, and having fat friends is part of the problem.  This prediction by Harvard University is from the same group that reported in 2007 that if someone’s friend becomes obese, that person’s  chances of becoming obese increase by more than half.  ***MARLAR: Friends of Laura Flynn Boyle and Calista Flockhart have no worries whatsoever.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Mascara With Mouth Closed”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Kenn Kington, “Road Construction”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Gruffy Bear and Sully the Aardvark were just sitting down to play checkers… something they both looked forward to very much every week. As Sully was getting the lemonade ready, there was a knock at the door from a lost grizzly bear, and Gruffy was trying to give him directions…

 

CLOSE: Oh boy… not only has Gruffy left Sully without playing checkers, but now Gruffy’s new friend the grizzly bear – I can’t seem to remember his name right now – is sinking in quick sand! Will Gruffy be able to save him? Tune in next time to find out – As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 11/12, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffelson had just escaped from the hospital in order to avoid getting his tonsils out. Unfortunately, a Razzleflabbin named Clarence has the job of showing Marvy what happened because he didn’t have the surgery! And it’s not pretty.

 

CLOSE: This story gets more and more grim by the day! Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Spelling errors cause a bank robber to get caught before he ever gets the cash!

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America in San Francisco, walked into the branch and wrote “this is a stikkup (spelled S-T-I-K-K-U-P). Put all your muny (spelled M-U-N-Y) in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

 

 

TOP TEN

SIGNS YOU ARE LIVING IN THE YEAR 2015…

 

  1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
  2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
  3. You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your family of three.
  4. You text the person who works at the desk next to you.
  5. Your reason for not staying in touch with family or friends is that they’re not on Facebook or Twitter.
  6. You pull up into the driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you with the groceries.
  7. Every commercial has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
  8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
  9. You get up in the morning and stand in line for your morning coffee.
  10. You watch reality shows to fulfill your dreams of life.

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The files of Law & Disorder are coming up next, with the story of men trying to purchase drinks at a 7-Eleven by giving the store a stolen car!

 

FILE #1: Robert Lamar and Richard Landers stole a Jeep Cherokee from a repair shop. They then headed over to the nearest 7-Eleven and offered to trade the Jeep for two six packs. The clerk declined the offer, of course, and called the cops but the two men were long gone before police arrived. End of story, right? Wrong. Keep in mind we’re dealing with stupid criminals here. They returned to the same store two days later and again offered to trade the Jeep for two six packs. This time they weren’t so lucky. An officer arrived in time and arrested them.

 

FILE #2: Dutch pedestrians asked a policeman to stop a fight between a cat and a giant rat. They didn’t want to get involved themselves because the rat was around 12 inches long. The Roosendaal city policeman separated the animals using a broom. He hit the rat on the back, but the broom broke in half. The rat survived. With half of the broom he brushed the rat into nearby stream. The cat had meanwhile made an exit.

 

FILE #3: A Florida man may have learned a lesson when he tried to rob a missionary couple last week in a motel in Tallahassee, Florida. According to reports, the man broke into the couple’s room as they were putting their luggage away while claiming to have a gun. It was then that the 45-year-old Missionary woman pushed the bandit out of the room, telling him, “we’re as poor as you are.” The suspect apologized and left on foot.

 

STRANGE LAW: Women Beware! In Pennsylvania, you must obtain a permit in order to wear cosmetics.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Perhaps we should say today’s “Brain on Drugs” story is more like “Your CAR on Drugs.”

In Louisiana, a reliable family car suddenly developed a tendency to decelerate, leading to the discovery that it had been driven for years with $40,000 worth of cocaine stashed in the gas tank. A suburban New Orleans family had bought the ’96 Toyota Camry from a used car lot in 1997. When the car started losing speed, it was taken to a mechanic, who discovered two bricks of cocaine wrapped around the vehicle’s fuel line. The wrapping had apparently come loose recently. The car’s owners are not involved in drug trafficking, but their names were withheld in case the owners of the stash come looking for them. Investigators will now attempt to work backward and see where that vehicle had originated.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

This is FAMILIES LAUGHING THROUGH STORIES WEEK, time to tell funny family stories. ***MARLAR: So how about it – what are you family’s funny stories?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In whose tomb was Ish-bosheth’s head buried?

ANSWER: Abner’s (2 Samuel 4:12)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: There are fourteen punctuation marks in English  grammar.  Can you name at least half of them?

ANSWER: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,  quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. The three most common seasonings found in an American home are seasoned salt, chili powder and cinnamon. (True)

 

  1. The word oregano means “joy of the fields” in Greek. (False – it means “joy of the mountains”)

 

  1. Ancient Egypt physicians once used jolts from electric eels on their patients to treat arthritis. (False – but close. They used electric catfish)

 

  1. Romans used to believe that walnuts could cure head ailments. (True. During the time of the Renaissance they believed so, since the shape of a walnut is similar to that of a brain.

 

  1. Over 1.2 billion people in the world live on less than $1 a day. (True)

 

  1. Some Roman statues had detachable heads. (True – so the heads could be changed for others.)

 

  1. Wham-O manufactured 20,000 hula hoops a week at the peak of hula hoop popularity in 1958. (False – 20,000 hula hoops a DAY!)

 

  1. Approximately 125 million yards of fabric have been used for Barbie and her friends dolls since 1959. (True)

 

  1. Baskin Robbins plain vanilla ice creams accounts for 25% of their sales. (True)

 

  1. Dairy Queen first was opened in Joliet, Illinois. (True – in 1940)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

________ BANNED IN NEW JERSY (HUGGING)

Chris Christie has followed the Matawan-Aberdeen Middle School, and has banned hugging anywhere in New Jersey.

“We are a no hugging state,”  Governor Chris Christie reportedly told reporters yesterday.  “If  we catch anyone hugging it will be a $100 fine for the first offense, $250 or the second offense and $1,000 for the third.  After that, it’s jail.”

Christie got the idea from Matawan school district that decided that middle school children shouldn’t hug each other.  “It’s not normal or natural,” said school superintendent John Jacobus.  “If kids hug, then the next thing you know there having babies and we can’t have that happen in our school.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A father in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn’t allowed.
“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man said.
“That’s OK Dad,” the son says, “The police car right behind us did the same thing.”

 

JOKE #2

At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: “First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.”

“Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. “Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated…”

A voice from the audience cut in: “Well, there go the rest of us!”

 

JOKE #3

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just got home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, “Honey, I’m home!”

“And just where have you been?” she replied sharply. “It’s after seven o’clock!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Scientists in China found the remains of a prehistoric mammal about the size of a cat with the remains of a tiny dinosaur called a “parrot dinosaur” in its stomach. It was startling because it’s the first proof mammals hunted dinosaurs. The conventional theory is that early mammals were timid creatures the size of chipmunks, cowering from giant reptiles.  ***MARLAR: Of course mammals ate dinosaurs – how else do you explain Fred and Barney eating brontosaurus burgers? (audio clip)

 

Eating at home can save you some cash. But a study warns that relying on cookbooks to prepare food can be a recipe for disaster — in terms of calories.  ***MARLAR: With or without a recipe, my cooking is STILL a disaster.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOT MILK?

What do you get when you cross a cow with a mule?
Milk with a real kick to it.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

AND THE COW JUMPED OVER THE MOON… AND FELL TO EARTH

This is probably one of my favorite stories of all time – and it’s completely true!

Early in 1997, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship’s loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane’s hold and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

“Now that I am old and gray, do not abandon me, O God. Let me proclaim your power to this new generation, your mighty miracles to all who come after me.” Psalm 71:18

The psalmist was concerned that he not be forsaken until God declared His power to the next generation. Every generation must know firsthand the power of God.

It is not enough to hear about how God visited the previous generation in great power, wonders, and miracles. Our generation must see that power manifested.

Without a true manifestation of the power of God, each generation grows progressively dubious of God’s reality. “One day Jesus called together his twelve apostles and gave them power and authority to cast out demons and to heal all diseases” (Luke 9:1). This action was more than simple religious protocol—it was a transferal of Jesus’ power to the next generation. What would have happened to the world if Christ had departed without giving anyone the same power He had to help people?
The same power that flowed from Christ’s robes to heal the woman with the issue of blood is available today. From generation to generation, God’s power has been passed on. Now it is our turn to rise up and show God’s power to the next generation.

–By Larry Stockstill

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THEY WOULDN’T LET ME

Read: Matthew 11:20-30

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. —Matthew 11:28

A woman was trapped on the top floor of a burning building. Flames and smoke blocked every way of escape. When firefighters arrived, one of the men scrambled up a ladder to the window where the woman was screaming for help, and with outstretched arms he offered to save her. But when she looked down and saw the great distance to the ground below, she panicked and drew back into the room.

The man attempting the rescue begged her to trust him for her safety, but his pleas were not heeded. In senseless fear she retreated beyond the fireman’s reach. Finally, being forced to return to the ground, he said with tears in his eyes, “I did everything I could to save her, but she wouldn’t let me!”

Those words made me think of the spiritual peril facing so many people. Jesus longs to forgive their sins, but they stubbornly resist His offer of salvation. By refusing to trust Him, they are like the woman who perished in the flames even though she could have escaped.

Dear friend, right now believe on the Lord Jesus! He invites you to come to Him (Matthew 11:28). Don’t be among those of whom the Lord must say, “I did everything I could to save them, but they wouldn’t let Me!” —Richard De Haan

 

Why do you wait, dear brother?
The harvest is passing away;
Your Savior is longing to bless you,
There’s danger and death in delay. —Root

 

Faith is the hand that receives God’s gift.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

MONKEY SEE MONKEY DO

Proof that evolution is NOT true!
New research in Nature magazine suggests that apes and monkeys might have an equivalent of the Golden Rule for behavior. The idea that primates are paying one another for labor with the intention of being paid back proves true especially when it comes to hunting. You see, one chimpanzee or monkey can’t easily bag a prey by itself, so it recruits others to help with stalking and corralling. Then, when the prey is in hand, the hunter shares the prey with its helpers, which reinforces the cooperative behavior for future hunts. ***MARLAR: This obviously disproves the theory of evolution; humans can’t share like that.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

I.D. THEFT

Law enforcement authorities are becoming increasingly worried about a sudden, sharp rise in the incidence of identity theft, the outright pilfering of people’s personal information for use in obtaining credit cards, loans and other goods. ***MARLAR: You know, this whole identity theft deal doesn’t really worry me all that much. I mean, if I can’t obtain credit cards, loans or other goods with my own identity, what makes somebody else think they’re going to?

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

POLITICS ARE JUST PLAIN BORING
Where will our future politicians come from? They could be few and far between. A survey from job information company Recruit Co. said that 21.4 percent of boys and 26.7 percent of girls picked politics as their least desired career choice. It ranked lower than high rise construction work and the army. Some of the high school seniors surveyed viewed a life of politics as “boring”, “awful” and believed political work “doesn’t matter”. A majority of the girls surveyed said they would like to become actresses. ***MARLAR: Hone those acting skills ladies, and you could have a great career in politics!

 

 

FUN LIST

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR A PASTOR

  • Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
  • Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
  • Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
  • Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied.
  • Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the “Gong Show,” “Beavis and Butthead” and “Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”
  • Good News: Your women’s softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men’s softball team.
  • Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
  • Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation.
  • Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
  • Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
  • Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It’s in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to “decorate” your house.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.

 

Pilot Out of Control

Who among us has not been shocked by the dramatic and devastating act of a German pilot this past week? We are now assured that Andreas Lubitz deliberately brought about the deaths of 150 people aboard the crashed Germanwings flight in France. The pilot had left the cabin for a few minutes and found the door locked upon his return. The rest of the details only leave us with an imagined horror of what took some eight minutes to finish.
We are gradually finding out quite a bit about this Andreas. Apparently he suffered from depression. It was debilitating enough for the 27-year-old to receive treatment. We are aware he had a “sick pass” so he would not need to fly the day of the crash. We know there are reports of vision problems—whether real or psychosomatic.
But standing out about these to me were the comments he purportedly made to a former girlfriend. In her words, he once said he was “planning a heinous act that will be remembered forever.” The woman, dubbed “Maria W,” expanded on this saying, “[He said], ‘One day I will do something that will change the whole system, and then all will know my name and remember it.’ I never knew what he meant, but now it makes sense.”
Lubitz learned to fly gliders at the age of 14. The New York Times reports that Klaus Radke, the president of the glider club, said “When I saw him as an adult compared to a youth, I thought, ‘He really amounted to something.’ He was confident, helpful. I thought, ‘Man, he’s someone who made it.’”
But his adult behavior was not so pleasant to Maria W. She said, “We spoke a lot about work and then he became another person. He became agitated about the circumstances in which he had to work, too little money, anxiety about his contract and too much pressure. During conversations he’d suddenly throw a tantrum and scream at me. I was afraid. He even once locked me in the bathroom for a long time.”
It is impossible to know how much his mental state led Andreas to commit his “heinous act.” What seems apparent, however, is that he was stable enough to make statements about wanting fame. He was rational enough to fly airplanes and function well with associates. And, at times, he apparently sought help. But not enough.
Thus, two very common attributes of human behavior left out of control come into focus: pride and selfishness. These forces, perhaps enhanced by a spiritual battle of which Lubitz was unaware, kept him from two important decisions. The first was to seek more help. The second, was to avoid the totally self focused act of taking the lives of 149 other souls to satisfy his longing to be remembered.
I’ve read nothing that would indicate he had a spiritual life. When the moral constraints of an individual rely solely on one’s own value system, why should we be surprised at such acts? Unless we are willing to be guided by the wisdom, understanding, and discernment that comes from our Creator, we operate on a different moral plane. So to speak.
Proverbs 16:18 (ESV) warns: “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” And as for being remembered, Psalm 34:16 (ESV) states: “The face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.”
May God help those families being tortured by the tragic ending of their loved ones. May God give comfort to the parents and family members of Andreas Lubitz, who also will be tortured by the memory of this terrible act. And may all of us remember that we are capable of acts much worse, were it not for the moral restraints offered us by a loving God.
The Lord is my Light. And my Salvation. Amen.
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

BOOK ‘EM

The victim of a hit-and-run accident says he won’t press charges if the driver reads the Bible every day. Al Knowles, a 90-year-old pastor from the US, was hit by a Taiwanese driver as he was out walking in Taipei. The driver fled but was arrested soon after the accident. Knowles, who suffered minor injuries, says the driver can make amends by reading the Bible. Knowles, who has lived in Taiwan for 25 years, gave the driver two Bibles, one in English and the other in Chinese. The driver accepted his offer, but he will still be charged by the public prosecutor. ***MARLAR: Either way, he’s having “the book” thrown at him.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends.

A 77-year-old grandma started weight training to stay in shape four years ago. Now Willie Murphy, who weight in at just 105 pounds, can dead lift 215 pounds. Willie says she can shovel her own snow, lift her grandchildren, and carry her own groceries. She’s won several seniors awards for her power lifting abilities. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zjhSlJN-Qw

 

A nanny is being hailed as a hero after running barefoot through a burning house to save the five year old boy she was watching. Alyson Myatt awoke early one morning to find the house already engulfed in flames. But she didn’t hesitate. She ran through the flames from her bedroom on the first floor to Aiden’s bedroom on the second floor. She grabbed Aiden and then when back down the stairs to where she and Aiden could exit the house safely. Official say Aiden didn’t receive a single scratch or burn thanks to Allison’s quick response. On the other hand, Allison wasn’t as fortunate. She received 3rd degree burns on her feet and burns to her hands as well and is still recovering. http://bit.ly/1zJo5es

 

Kayla Montgomery is one of the fastest young distance runners in the country. But that’s not what makes her story special. Kayla also has multiple sclerosis. She was diagnosed with the disease early in her freshman year of high school. But that didn’t stop her from running. She says she decided to make the most out of ever day. Even though she totally losses all feeling in her legs during a race, she went on to become one of the fastest girls in the entire state of North Carolina, ending up as the girls state 3200 meter champion in the final race of her career.  Don’t let that personal thorn in your side stop you from doing what you were called to do!  http://bit.ly/1rTnQih

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child … she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 01, 2015…

 

Hillsong: Let Hope Rise (opening in select cities)—a documentary from the Hillsong Churches of Australia/New Zealand and follows a tour of the Hillsong United singing group.  Film is directed by Michael John Warren. Hill Song (the church) has over 12 locations in Australia/New Zealand. “Hillsong: Let Hope Rise: is not rated. No rating.

 

**Note: “Woman in Gold” starring Helen Mirren as a woman trying to retrieve a lost painting is now due to open April 10.

 

APRIL 03, 2015…

 

Furious 7—This film will be remembered as the last movie for the late actor, Paul Walker. His brothers are stand-in’s in some scenes as Walker had finished most of his work before his tragic accident. Basically the story has Jason Stratham as the villain out for revenge for the death of his brother a film ago. The fan favorites are back with Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez, Lucas Black, Tyrese Gibson and Jordana Brewster. Plenty of action here and one hopes the series can continue. It has a built-in audience. “Furious 7” is rated PG 13. Rated 3 for fans.

 

Effie Gray (opening in select cities)—Dakota Fanning stars in this film in which she plays Effie, the wife of 19th century British painter, John Ruskin (Greg West.)  Problems in the marriage and Effie doesn’t know what to do. Also in the cast is Tom Sturridge as the painter John Everett Mellais. “Effie Gray” is rated R. No rating.

 

APRIL 10, 2015…

 

Desert Dancer (opening in select cities) is a Middle East film about a young man and his friends who want to learn to dance but the government forbids it.

 

The Hunting Ground is a documentary that concerns the subject of rape on a college camp. Directed by Amy Ziering.

 

Merchants of Doubt, a documentary by Robert Kenner that shows what goes on behind presenting the news. It sometimes is like a stage show.

 

While We’re Young stars Ben Stiller and Naomi Watts as a middle-age couple who meet a younger couple, become friends, and then take a look at their own lives.

 

The Longest Ride is adapted from the Nicholas Sparks novel about a bull-rider and artist who fall in love. Stars Scott Eastwood and Britt Robertson.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.