April 07, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160407

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This morning my tongue feels like I used it to loosen a few screws. Regular screws — and I have a Phillips tongue. –TomsLake

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.  — Luke 12:6-7

 

Now as Jesus was going up to Jerusalem, he took the twelve disciples aside and said to them, “We are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of Man will be betrayed to the chief priests and the teachers of the law. They will condemn him to death and will turn him over to the Gentiles to be mocked and flogged and crucified. On the third day he will be raised to life!” — Matthew 20:17-19

 

On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord. — John 20:19

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Do not envy a violent man or choose any of his ways, for the LORD detests a perverse man but takes the upright into his confidence. — Proverbs 3:31-32

 

Thought: While many are seeking a cure for the rampaging violence that destroys lives, threatens schools, and makes our streets unsafe, why has no one bothered to remind us what God’s wise servant taught us centuries ago? Let’s not let any person, real or fictional, be our hero if his or her fame is built on violence. The son of Israel’s most famous warrior understood this better than anyone. Surely the Son of the Most Powerful on High said it best: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”

 

Prayer: Almighty God, save us from the violence of our culture and the worship of violence that pervades our land. Please give us heroes who are true peacemakers. In addition, dear Father, please give us eyes to see them and the courage to honor them. In Jesus’ name I ask it. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Philippians 4:7 NIV = And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – APRIL 07, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 261 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is NATIONAL COFFEE CAKE DAY.  *** I’ll take mine double-white, double-sweet with an extra shot of espresso!

 

This is FAMILIES LAUGHING THROUGH STORIES WEEK, time to tell funny family stories.  *** So how about it – what are your family’s funny stories?

 

Today is NO HOUSEWORK DAY, no bed-making, no dishes, no trash, no guilt.  Some call today LET SOMEONE ELSE CLEAN DAY.  *** Known here simply as “Thursday.”

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Day of Remembrance of the Victims of the Rwanda Genocide

International Beaver Day

International Snailpapers Day

Metric System Day

National Alcohol Screening Day

National Beer Day

No Housework Day (known here as Wednesday!)

World Health Organization Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, APRIL 08

Buddah Day

Draw a Bird Day

International Roma Day

National Dog Fighting Awareness Day

Trading Cards For Grown-Ups Day

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 09

National Cherish An Antique Day

National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day

Appomattox Day

Baby Massage Day

“Bring Your Own Cup” Slurpee Day

Jenkins Ear Day

Jump Day

Slow Art Day

Winston Churchill Day

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 10

ASPCA Day

Global Day To End Child Sexual Abuse

National Farm Animals Day

National Sibling Day

Salvation Army Founders’ Day

Safety Pin Day

 

MONDAY, APRIL 11

Barbershop Quartet Day

Education and Sharing Day

International “Louie Louie” Day

International Table Top Day

National Pet Day

National Teach Children To Save Day

Submarine Day

World Parkinson’s Disease Day

 

TUESDAY, APRIL 12

D.E.A.R. Day (Drop Everything And Read)

Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day

International Day of Human Space Flight

International Day For Street Children

National Be Kind to Lawyers Day

National Library Workers Day

National Library Day

National Licorice Day

Walk On Your Wild Side Day

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13

National Bookmobile Day

Scrabble Day

Thomas Jefferson Day

Undiagnosed Children’s Awareness Day

 

THURSDAY, APRIL 14

Celebrate Teen Literature Day

Children With Alopecia Day

Dictionary Day (***I’m currently reading the dictionary, so please – no spoilers.  I’d rather be surprised to see how the book ends!)

International Moment of Laughter Day

National Dolphin Day

National Pecan Day

Pan American Day

Pathologists’ Assistant Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1860: Will Kellogg was born in Battle Creek, Michigan. Will’s physician brother John developed corn flakes and other cereals to serve to patients at his mental hospital, and Will founded the Kellogg company to market the cereals. (audio clip)

 

1864: To raise money for charity, the first camel race in America was held in Sacramento.

 

1902: The Texas Fuel Company was founded just outside Beaumont, Texas. Later it became known as Texaco, now owned by Shell.

 

1927: An audience in New York saw an image of U.S. Commerce Secretary Herbert Hoover in the first successful long-distance demonstration of television.

 

1949: The Rodgers and Hammerstein musical “South Pacific” opened on Broadway. (audio clip)

 

1952: “I Love Lucy” became the #1 TV show with an episode entitled, “The Marriage License.” (audio clip)

 

1963: Golfer Jack Nicklaus won his first Masters title. He was 23 years old.

 

1966: The U.S. found a hydrogen bomb it had lost off the coast of Spain. It was fine.

 

1970: Actor John Wayne received an Oscar for Best Actor for his role in “True Grit.

 

1997: An Amsterdam university began offering a course entitled “Madonna 101.”

 

1998: Three inmates at New York’s Rikers prison were indicted after one smuggled a gun into the jail and another shot the third in the leg as part of a scheme to sue the city. The mastermind, as you might expect, was the guy who got shot.

 

1999: An Israeli couple was hospitalized for fatigue after kissing in Tel Aviv for 30 hours and 45 minutes. Dror Orpaz and Karmit Tsubera set a world record and won a trip around the world. But they were really tired.

 

2002: Police in Moss, Norway, said they caught an assault suspect trying to escape naked on a single roller skate. They’ve charged the man after he allegedly attacked a woman delivering his newspaper. The woman said the man was angry at the number of advertising flyers that came with his paper, so he hit her over the head repeatedly with the paper. Though not hurt seriously, she said it was a little scary.

 

2003: The U.S. Supreme Court voted upheld a 50-year-old Virginia law making it a crime to burn a cross as an act of intimidation.

 

2005: The popular painkiller Bextra was removed from the U.S. market and a warning was put on Celebrex after the Food and Drug Administration cautioned that similar prescription drugs could lead to risk of heart attack or stroke.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1199: England’s King Richard I, the “Lionhearted,” dies at age 41. Richard, as one of the three leaders of the Third Crusade, negotiated Christian access to Jerusalem.

 

1498: Franciscan friars arrange an “ordeal by fire” in Florence to settle the dispute between reforming preacher Jerome Savonarola and Pope Alexander VI. Alexander had excommunicated Savonarola for preaching against papal corruption; Savonarola responded by calling for the pope to step down. If Savonarola’s friend Fra Domenico could walk safely between two walls of fire, God was supposedly on the Florentine city-manager’s side. But Savonarola never sent Domenico out. The crowd rioted, Savonarola’s power crumbled, and he was soon arrested, tortured, and executed.

 

1541: On his thirty-fifth birthday, Francis Xavier, cofounder of the Society of Jesus (Jesuits), sets sail from Lisbon, Portugal, for Goa, India. The first Roman Catholic missionary there, he also traveled to Japan, Sri Lanka, and other countries in Asia. It is hard to say how many people Xavier, the Roman Catholic patron saint of all missions, converted; the figure goes as high as 1 million, but modern scholars peg the number around 30,000. Jesuits claim 700,000.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Comedian/TV host (“MTV Jams,” The Brothers, Any Given Sunday) Bill Bellamy, 51
  • Actor (Master & Commander, Gladiator, Cinderella Man, A Beautiful Mind) Russell Crowe, 52
  • actor-director (Around the World in 80 Days, Rush Hour 1,2,3, Shanghai Knights, Shanghai Noon) Jackie Chan 62

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1908 : Percy Faith

1915 : Billie Holiday

1920 : Ravi Shankar

1923 : Mongo Santamaria

1935 : Bobby Bare

1937 : Charlie Thomas (The Drifters)

1938 : Spencer Dryden (Jefferson Airplane, New Riders of the Purple Sage)

1943 : Mick Abrahams (Jethro Tull)

1946 : Bill Kreutzmann (Grateful Dead)

1947 : Pat Bennett (The Chiffons)

1948 : Carol Douglas

1949 : John Oates (Hall & Oates)

1951 : Janis Ian

1952 : Bruce Gary (The Knack)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Where do we get the term, “long in the tooth?”

“Long in the tooth,” meaning “old,” was originally used to describe horses. As horses age, their gums recede, giving the impression that their teeth are growing. The longer the teeth look, the older the horse.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Casting Crowns Mark Hall is a rough taskmaster. The band is in the studio working on their next album and violinist Melodee Devevo says her fingers may fall off. She shared a picture of her swollen fingers and posted: Mark Hall just killed me on one of the new songs!

http://twitter.com/MelloDee/status/715918152908013568/photo/1

 

The end of Winterjam 2016 marked the end of an era for The Sidewalk Prophets.The Sunday night show was the final night for drummer Justin Nace. In February members of the band announced that Justin would be retiring after 9 years in the group. They said Sunday night’s concert was a tough one.

http://twitter.com/swprophets/status/716458807535112192/photo/1

 

Third Day’s Mac Powell said he was doing his job as a good father over the weekend by providing his son Cash with a nutritious breakfast. It included English fritters with, in Mac’s words, just a hint of powdered sugar. However, Mac version of a hint of powdered sugar may be a little different then the rest of ours. He shared a picture of the pastry covered in a thick blanket of the white power.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDsz4LRgm4z/

 

Danny Gokey wasn’t above taking advantage of his daughters illness. He posted that she wasn’t feeling well over the weekend but added: she’s real cuddly right now so I’m taking full advantage of it! http://twitter.com/dannygokey/status/716046386198880256/photo/1

 

Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer found the perfect spot for doing a series of tour interviews over the weekend. He posts a picture from his hammock in the back yard as he prepared to start taking calls.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDqYCHWFbV9/

 

Plumb was at the offices of Family Life Today last week. She’s on a break from the Beautiful Offerings tour with Big Daddy Weave so used the time to visit the Family Life headquarters in Arkansas. She sang several songs and also shared how Family Life impacted her own marriage redemption story. http://twitter.com/FamilyLifeOrg/status/715305110394445829/photo/1

 

No rest for the members of For King and Country. Their run with Winterjam wrapped up over the weekend and the bands next run, Priceless the Tour, kicks off on April 6th. The first stop will be in New Mexico. Dates are planned across the country throughout the month of April.

 

The Bible Tour gets underway this coming weekend and Matthew West is a part. Also part of this years run are the Sidewalk Prophets, Aaron Shust, Love and the Outcome and Blanca. Matthew says practice got underway early this week and he says it’s a little like auditioning for American Idol. Matthew shared a picture of the rest of the artists, all on folding chairs, watching closely as he practiced his song for the tour.

 

Feeling stressed. Group 1 Crew front man Manny posted a video this week on dealing with stress. He was on his way to Denver to shoot 3 videos in 3 days and was feeling extremely stressed when God dropped a little word on him. Manny said: Don’t rush your blessings.

http://fb.me/5fxfBlWaT

 

Colton Dixon is in LA this week for the American Idol finale. Colton arrived in town earlier this week to begin rehearsing for the final show that will take place tonight (Thursday). He says it’s like a family reunion.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

The thin, lightweight glass on your smartphone could soon be found on your car. Ford will be the first to use Gorilla Glass for a windshield and rear window in the new Ford GT sports car.  *** But keep in mind, just like the glass on your phone, it still won’t protect your car if you drop it in the toilet.

 

Twitter has reached a deal with the NFL to stream Thursday Night Football games. Twitter reportedly paid around $10 million for the 10-game package.  *** The tough part will be forcing the players and coaches to keep their expletive-filled conversations to 140 characters or less.

 

“Glamour” magazine’s all-plus-size issue includes Amy Schumer along with Adele and Ashley Graham as one of the “women that inspire us.” But they did it without telling her first. Schumer then shared photo of her name in the magazine on Instagram, writing: “I think there’s nothing wrong with being plus size.” But “Glamour put me in their plus size only issue without asking or letting me know and it doesn’t feel right to me.”  ***Take all the press you can find, Amy.  I don’t put a lot of stock in your 15-minutes of fame lasting much longer and you’re going to need all the press you can get.

 

A high school student from Long Island, New York, has got some celebrating to do and one monumental decision to make. Augusta Uwamanzu-Nna was accepted to all eight Ivy League schools in the United States.  ***You gotta feel sorry for her younger siblings – there is no competing with this no matter how well you do in school.  “Oh, you got an A+ again?  Well good for you – but how many Ivy League schools have you been accepted to, hmmm?”

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A recent survey found women spend $125,000 on clothing in a lifetime. ***Even with that, 60% say they still struggle to find something to wear on a daily basis.

 

People who are thin apparently still need to worry about fat on the INSIDE.  Some doctors now think that the internal fat surrounding vital organs like the heart and liver could be as dangerous as the more obvious external fat that bulges underneath the skin.  ***MARLAR: So you can be a 99-pound weakling, and still be morbidly obese?  What’s the point of trying anymore?

 

A study by the U.S. Forest Service found less crime occurs in neighborhoods with big trees in the yards, and more crime at homes with smaller trees.  Small trees may aid criminals by providing hiding places for criminals.  ***MARLAR: Wouldn’t you think LARGE trees would be easier to hide behind?  You have to wonder if the guys doing this study are working for the government because no one in the private sector would hire them.

 

Americans will keep growing fatter until 42 percent of the nation is considered obese, and having fat friends is part of the problem.  This prediction by Harvard University is from the same group that reported in 2007 that if someone’s friend becomes obese, that person’s chances of becoming obese increase by more than half.  ***MARLAR: Friends of Terri Hatcher and the Olsen Twins have no worries whatsoever.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Uphill Battle”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Bob Smiley, “Pink and Cuddly”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Nozzles the Elephant had just purchased a new book… a book with no title, filled with nothing but blank pages.  He was wondering what to write in the book, when suddenly he was talking with Gruffy and thought it’d be a good to write down the tools Gruffy had borrowed from him to keep a record…

 

CLOSE: Oh great… now everyone’s getting into it.  It won’t be long and we’ll have an entire book filled with nothing but complaints about how people treat one another.  That can’t be good for friendships!  Our story continues next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 09/10

 

OPEN: FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As The Jungle Turns!  Last time, Cheetah Bonita decided she didn’t want to sing three-part harmony with her sisters any longer… she wanted to go solo.  But both of her sisters hated that idea – and so did Gruffy Bear.  Music in the jungle just wouldn’t be the same without that three part harmony.  And then, Nozzles the Elephant stopped by…

 

CLOSE: Boy, it’s beginning to look like everybody wants to be solo – and nobody wants to harmonize!  Tune in next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Spelling errors cause a bank robber to get caught before he ever gets the cash!

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America in San Francisco, walked into the branch and wrote “this is a stikkup (spelled S-T-I-K-K-U-P). Put all your muny (spelled M-U-N-Y) in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

 

 

TOP TEN

SIGNS YOU ARE LIVING IN THE YEAR 2016…

 

  1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
  2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
  3. You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your family of three.
  4. You text the person who works at the desk next to you.
  5. Your reason for not staying in touch with family or friends is that they’re not on Facebook or Twitter.
  6. You pull up into the driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you with the groceries.
  7. Every commercial has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
  8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
  9. You get up in the morning and stand in line for your morning coffee.
  10. You watch reality shows to fulfill your dreams of life.

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The files of Law & Disorder are coming up next, with the story of men trying to purchase drinks at a 7-Eleven by giving the store a stolen car!

 

FILE #1: Robert Lamar and Richard Landers stole a Jeep Cherokee from a repair shop. They then headed over to the nearest 7-Eleven and offered to trade the Jeep for two six packs. The clerk declined the offer, of course, and called the cops but the two men were long gone before police arrived. End of story, right? Wrong. Keep in mind we’re dealing with stupid criminals here. They returned to the same store two days later and again offered to trade the Jeep for two six packs. This time they weren’t so lucky. An officer arrived in time and arrested them.

 

FILE #2: Dutch pedestrians asked a policeman to stop a fight between a cat and a giant rat. They didn’t want to get involved themselves because the rat was around 12 inches long. The Roosendaal city policeman separated the animals using a broom. He hit the rat on the back, but the broom broke in half. The rat survived. With half of the broom he brushed the rat into nearby stream. The cat had meanwhile made an exit.

 

FILE #3: A Florida man may have learned a lesson when he tried to rob a missionary couple last week in a motel in Tallahassee, Florida. According to reports, the man broke into the couple’s room as they were putting their luggage away while claiming to have a gun. It was then that the 45-year-old Missionary woman pushed the bandit out of the room, telling him, “we’re as poor as you are.” The suspect apologized and left on foot.

 

STRANGE LAW: Women Beware! In Pennsylvania, you must obtain a permit in order to wear cosmetics.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Perhaps we should say today’s “Brain on Drugs” story is more like “Your CAR on Drugs.”

In Louisiana, a reliable family car suddenly developed a tendency to decelerate, leading to the discovery that it had been driven for years with $40,000 worth of cocaine stashed in the gas tank. A suburban New Orleans family had bought the ’96 Toyota Camry from a used car lot in 1997. When the car started losing speed, it was taken to a mechanic, who discovered two bricks of cocaine wrapped around the vehicle’s fuel line. The wrapping had apparently come loose recently. The car’s owners are not involved in drug trafficking, but their names were withheld in case the owners of the stash come looking for them. Investigators will now attempt to work backward and see where that vehicle had originated.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

This is FAMILIES LAUGHING THROUGH STORIES WEEK, time to tell funny family stories.  ***MARLAR: So how about it – what are you family’s funny stories?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In whose tomb was Ish-bosheth’s head buried?

ANSWER: Abner’s (2 Samuel 4:12)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: There are fourteen punctuation marks in English  grammar.  Can you name at least half of them?

ANSWER: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,  quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The three most common seasonings found in an American home are seasoned salt, chili powder and cinnamon. (True)

 

  1. The word oregano means “joy of the fields” in Greek. (False – it means “joy of the mountains”)

 

  1. Ancient Egypt physicians once used jolts from electric eels on their patients to treat arthritis. (False – but close. They used electric catfish)

 

  1. Romans used to believe that walnuts could cure head ailments. (True. During the time of the Renaissance they believed so, since the shape of a walnut is similar to that of a brain.

 

  1. Over 1.2 billion people in the world live on less than $1 a day. (True)

 

  1. Some Roman statues had detachable heads. (True – so the heads could be changed for others.)

 

  1. Wham-O manufactured 20,000 hula hoops a week at the peak of hula hoop popularity in 1958. (False – 20,000 hula hoops a DAY!)

 

  1. Approximately 125 million yards of fabric have been used for Barbie and her friends dolls since 1959. (True)

 

  1. Baskin Robbins plain vanilla ice creams accounts for 25% of their sales. (True)

 

  1. Dairy Queen first was opened in Joliet, Illinois. (True – in 1940)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

________ BANNED IN NEW JERSY (HUGGING)

Chris Christie has followed the Matawan-Aberdeen Middle School, and has banned hugging anywhere in New Jersey.

“We are a no hugging state,”  Governor Chris Christie reportedly told reporters yesterday.  “If  we catch anyone hugging it will be a $100 fine for the first offense, $250 or the second offense and $1,000 for the third.  After that, it’s jail.”

Christie got the idea from Matawan school district that decided that middle school children shouldn’t hug each other.  “It’s not normal or natural,” said school superintendent John Jacobus.  “If kids hug, then the next thing you know there having babies and we can’t have that happen in our school.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A father in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn’t allowed.
“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man said.
“That’s OK Dad,” the son says, “The police car right behind us did the same thing.”

 

JOKE #2

At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: “First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.”

“Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. “Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated…”

A voice from the audience cut in: “Well, there go the rest of us!”

 

JOKE #3

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just got home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, “Honey, I’m home!”

“And just where have you been?” she replied sharply. “It’s after seven o’clock!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Scientists in China found the remains of a prehistoric mammal about the size of a cat with the remains of a tiny dinosaur called a “parrot dinosaur” in its stomach. It was startling because it’s the first proof mammals hunted dinosaurs. The conventional theory is that early mammals were timid creatures the size of chipmunks, cowering from giant reptiles.  ***MARLAR: Of course mammals ate dinosaurs – how else do you explain Fred and Barney eating brontosaurus burgers? (audio clip)

 

Eating at home can save you some cash. But a study warns that relying on cookbooks to prepare food can be a recipe for disaster — in terms of calories.  ***MARLAR: With or without a recipe, my cooking is STILL a disaster.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOT MILK?

What do you get when you cross a cow with a mule?
Milk with a real kick to it.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

AND THE COW JUMPED OVER THE MOON… AND FELL TO EARTH

This is probably one of my favorite stories of all time – and it’s completely true!

Early in 1997, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship’s loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane’s hold and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

“Now that I am old and gray, do not abandon me, O God. Let me proclaim your power to this new generation, your mighty miracles to all who come after me.” Psalm 71:18

The psalmist was concerned that he not be forsaken until God declared His power to the next generation. Every generation must know firsthand the power of God.

It is not enough to hear about how God visited the previous generation in great power, wonders, and miracles. Our generation must see that power manifested.

Without a true manifestation of the power of God, each generation grows progressively dubious of God’s reality. “One day Jesus called together his twelve apostles and gave them power and authority to cast out demons and to heal all diseases” (Luke 9:1). This action was more than simple religious protocol—it was a transferal of Jesus’ power to the next generation. What would have happened to the world if Christ had departed without giving anyone the same power He had to help people?
The same power that flowed from Christ’s robes to heal the woman with the issue of blood is available today. From generation to generation, God’s power has been passed on. Now it is our turn to rise up and show God’s power to the next generation.

–By Larry Stockstill

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THEY WOULDN’T LET ME

Read: Matthew 11:20-30

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. —Matthew 11:28

A woman was trapped on the top floor of a burning building. Flames and smoke blocked every way of escape. When firefighters arrived, one of the men scrambled up a ladder to the window where the woman was screaming for help, and with outstretched arms he offered to save her. But when she looked down and saw the great distance to the ground below, she panicked and drew back into the room.

The man attempting the rescue begged her to trust him for her safety, but his pleas were not heeded. In senseless fear she retreated beyond the fireman’s reach. Finally, being forced to return to the ground, he said with tears in his eyes, “I did everything I could to save her, but she wouldn’t let me!”

Those words made me think of the spiritual peril facing so many people. Jesus longs to forgive their sins, but they stubbornly resist His offer of salvation. By refusing to trust Him, they are like the woman who perished in the flames even though she could have escaped.

Dear friend, right now believe on the Lord Jesus! He invites you to come to Him (Matthew 11:28). Don’t be among those of whom the Lord must say, “I did everything I could to save them, but they wouldn’t let Me!” —Richard De Haan

 

Why do you wait, dear brother?
The harvest is passing away;
Your Savior is longing to bless you,
There’s danger and death in delay. —Root

 

Faith is the hand that receives God’s gift.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

MONKEY SEE MONKEY DO

Proof that evolution is NOT true!
New research in Nature magazine suggests that apes and monkeys might have an equivalent of the Golden Rule for behavior. The idea that primates are paying one another for labor with the intention of being paid back proves true especially when it comes to hunting. You see, one chimpanzee or monkey can’t easily bag a prey by itself, so it recruits others to help with stalking and corralling. Then, when the prey is in hand, the hunter shares the prey with its helpers, which reinforces the cooperative behavior for future hunts.  ***MARLAR: This obviously disproves the theory of evolution; humans can’t share like that.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

I.D. THEFT

Law enforcement authorities are becoming increasingly worried about a sudden, sharp rise in the incidence of identity theft, the outright pilfering of people’s personal information for use in obtaining credit cards, loans and other goods.  ***MARLAR: You know, this whole identity theft deal doesn’t really worry me all that much. I mean, if I can’t obtain credit cards, loans or other goods with my own identity, what makes somebody else think they’re going to?

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

POLITICS ARE JUST PLAIN BORING
Where will our future politicians come from? They could be few and far between. A survey from job information company Recruit Co. said that 21.4 percent of boys and 26.7 percent of girls picked politics as their least desired career choice. It ranked lower than high rise construction work and the army. Some of the high school seniors surveyed viewed a life of politics as “boring”, “awful” and believed political work “doesn’t matter”. A majority of the girls surveyed said they would like to become actresses. ***MARLAR: Hone those acting skills ladies, and you could have a great career in politics!

 

 

FUN LIST

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR A PASTOR

  • Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
  • Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
  • Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
  • Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied.
  • Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the “Gong Show,” “Beavis and Butthead” and “Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”
  • Good News: Your women’s softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men’s softball team.
  • Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
  • Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation.
  • Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
  • Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
  • Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It’s in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to “decorate” your house.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

BOOK ‘EM

The victim of a hit-and-run accident says he won’t press charges if the driver reads the Bible every day. Al Knowles, a 90-year-old pastor from the US, was hit by a Taiwanese driver as he was out walking in Taipei. The driver fled but was arrested soon after the accident. Knowles, who suffered minor injuries, says the driver can make amends by reading the Bible. Knowles, who has lived in Taiwan for 25 years, gave the driver two Bibles, one in English and the other in Chinese. The driver accepted his offer, but he will still be charged by the public prosecutor. ***MARLAR: Either way, he’s having “the book” thrown at him.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Did you ever doubt that Noah could have built an ark so large all those animals could have fit on it? According to CBN News, visual proof is here as the Noah’s ark re-creation near Williamstown is close to completion. CBN news recently went behind the scenes at Ark Encounter as the giant ark as it comes together. Ken Ham, founder of Answers in Genesis and head of the Creation Museum says “This is 510 feet long, 85 feet wide, 51 feet high.” Ark Encounter opens to the public July 7, and Ham said there’s a special reason for that. “In Genesis 7:7 it says that’s when Noah and his family entered the ark,” Ham explained. “So we thought the 7th of the 7th would be a good time to open.”

http://go.cbn.com/7779

 

Technology just gets more amazing by the day.  Facebook introduced a new feature on Tuesday that will allow people with visual impairments to hear descriptions of photos, aiming to make the company’s social media apps more useful and accessible. According to Time, The feature, called automatic alternative text, uses object recognition technology to describe a photo, listing the items, people and scenery that it might contain. Previously, Facebook said, someone using a screen reader could only hear the name of a person and that the person had shared a photo. Now, they can also hear what’s included in the image.

http://ti.me/1q3oEAY

 

This has GOT to be a first!  The Bible could be adopted as a symbol of Tennessee, after the legislature narrowly approved a bill designating “the Holy Bible as the official state book.” The measure now goes to Gov. Bill Haslam. According to NPR, The Senate version of the legislation was sponsored by Sen. Steve Southerland who noted the importance of the Bible in Tennessee’s history – both in its role as a historic record of important family milestones and as the heart of the state’s multimillion–dollar Bible-printing industry. He singled out publishers who have headquarters in Nashville: Thomas Nelson, Gideons International, and United Methodists Publishing House.

http://n.pr/1UT6UWo

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child … she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 01, 2016…

 

Collide—With a title like this, you would think it would be a meteor movie, instead, Nicholas Hoult stars in a story of trying to escape from the mob. A robbery goes awry and Anthony Hopkins, as a crime boss, is after him.  Also in the cast are Ben Kingsley and Felicity Jones.  “Collide” is rated R. No rating.

 

Amityville: The Awakening—This is supposed to be a restart of the famed horror film series about residents who live in a haunted house, again, and again. Sigh. The stars are Bella Thorne and Jennifer Jason Leigh. “Amityville: The Awakening” is rated R. No rating.

 

Everyone Wants Some (opening in select cities)—1980’s college baseball is just about what you would expect, with girls, games and school time.  Stars include Blake Jenner, Wyatt Russell and Ryan Guzman. (Do the last names of these young stars look familiar?) “Everyone Wants Some” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Pandemic (opening in select cities)— Another film set in the future and a virus gone awry. This one has a young, female doctor (Rachel Nichols) locked in a lab trying to find a cure. The original title was “Viral.” “Pandemic” is rated R. No rating.

 

Hunt For The Wilder People (opening in select cities)—Sam Neill stars as a crotchety New Zealander who, with his wife, takes in a foster child and tries to give him a home. Other stars are Julian Dannebon and Rachel House. “Hunt For The Wilder People” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Meet The Blacks—This comedic movie has Mike Epps and his family (with the last name of Black) winning big and leaving Chicago for Beverly Hills.. The cast includes George Lopez, Mike Tyson and Perez Hilton. “Meet The Blacks” is rated R. No rating.

 

Miles Ahead—This is  a bio-pic of the late jazz musician, Miles Davis.  Don Cheadle stars as Davis with Ewan McGregor as the Rolling Stone reporter, Dave Brill, who is trying to get an interview with Davis. We see the ups and downs of Miles Davis life. “Miles Ahead” is rated R. Rating of 2 for jazz fans.

 

APRIL 08, 2016…

 

Before I Wake has a family dealing with a child’s nightmare’s that come true. Stars Kate Bosworth.

 

The Boss is a Melissa McCarthy comedy movie in which is she is a business leader who goes to prison.

 

Demolition has Jake Gyllenhaal in a break-down after a tragedy and trying to rebuild his life.

 

Mr. Right is a study of manic-depression and stars Sam Rockwell and Anna Kendrick.

 

Term Life has Vince Vaughn in a comedy about a bank robber.

 

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