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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160408
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Here is today’s career tip for aspiring young radio DJs. Always start your show with a witty remark designed to make the audience laugh. A remark like the one I should have used here if I hadn’t wasted this time giving career tips to aspiring young DJs.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” –Hebrews 12:1
He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he took up our infirmities and he carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. — Isaiah 53:3-4
Seek good, not evil, that you may live. Then the LORD God Almighty will be with you, just as you say he is. — Amos 5:14
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer. — Psalm 4:1
Thought: At first, this cry for help seems very demanding. However, closer inspection shows that this is really the cry of desperation. Have you been there? I surely have and I regularly hear from folks who are there now. But, read how this Psalm ends! What is the secret to surviving a long agony? I believe three things are important: 1) honesty in our prayer life with God, 2) confidence that God hears and cares even when our prayers sizzle with pain and frustration, and 3) genuine praise for God included in our prayers even when things seem bleak. It’s not a magical formula, but it is a Spirit-inspired one — check it out in Psalm 4!
Prayer: O God, please hear my cry for relief, as well as the relief of those I love, from agony, burdens, and suffering. Please answer in amazing and miraculous ways so that we may not only be relieved, but so that you may be glorified as well. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Philippians 4:8 NIV = Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
TODAY IS FRIDAY – APRIL 08, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 260 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
This is NATIONAL BIRTHPARENTS WEEK. *** A huge thanks to you parents! You have the most important and most difficult job in the entire world. You are molding our future. Guess it’s a good thing that I don’t have kids, isn’t it? Can you imagine four or five little (JOCKS) running around? The world would be doomed.
Today is BEHAVE YOURSELF DAY. *** And if you’re a parent, I don’t have to tell you how often you’ll likely use that phrase today.
Today is THANK YOU DAY. While we thank God in November for all we have, why not set aside a day every year where we thank everyone else publicly that we want to thank?
And, no pressure, but your TAXES ARE DUE IN ONE WEEK!
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
International Roma Day
National Dog Fighting Awareness Day
COMING UP NEXT
SATURDAY, APRIL 09
National Cherish An Antique Day
National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day
Jenkins Ear Day
Winston Churchill Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 10
Salvation Army Founders’ Day
Safety Pin Day
MONDAY, APRIL 11
Barbershop Quartet Day
International “Louie Louie” Day
National Teach Children To Save Day
TUESDAY, APRIL 12
International Day of Human Space Flight
National Licorice Day
Walk On Your Wild Side Day
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13
National Bookmobile Day
Thomas Jefferson Day
THURSDAY, APRIL 14
Celebrate Teen Literature Day
Children With Alopecia Day
Dictionary Day (***I’m currently reading the dictionary, so please – no spoilers. I’d rather be surprised to see how the book ends!)
International Moment of Laughter Day
National Dolphin Day
Pan American Day
Pathologists’ Assistant Day
FRIDAY, APRIL 15
Get To Know Your Customers Day
Income Tax Pay Day
Take a Wild Guess Day
That Sucks Day
ON THIS DAY
1941: Brace Beemer became the radio voice of “The Lone Ranger” after Earle Graser died in a Detroit auto accident. Graser had played the role for eight years. Beemer, who was previously the show’s announcer, was the Ranger for 14 years. (audio clip)
1953: Relatives of the great Hunkpapa Sioux medicine man Sitting Bull secretly moved his remains from Fort Yates, North Dakota, to his birthplace, the banks of the Missouri River west of Mobridge, South Dakota. The army had buried him at Fort Yates 62 years earlier.
1974: Hank Aaron of the Atlanta Braves hit his 715th career home run in a game against the Los Angeles Dodgers, breaking Babe Ruth’s record. The homer was off pitcher Al Downing.
1975: History’s oldest canary died in Hull, England. Joey, owned by Mrs. Kay Ross, was 34 years old.
1986: In a landslide, actor Clint Eastwood was elected mayor of Carmel, California. ***MARLAR: It’s not hard to win an election when you can give your constituents the, “Do you feel lucky” speech and mean it. (audio clip)
1988: The Rev. Jimmy Swaggart was defrocked by the Assemblies of God church after he rejected an order to stop preaching for a year.
1989: “Entertainment Tonight” hostess Mary Hart married producer Burt Sugarman. (audio clip)
1990: 11-year-old Richard Daff Jr. of Crownsville, Maryland, bowled a perfect game. He is believed to be the youngest bowler ever to score 300.
1992: Britain’s top humor magazine Punch published its final issue. It had lasted 151 years.
1994: The grunge rock group Nirvana’s lead singer Kurt Cobain committed suicide in his Seattle home.
1995: Associated Press reported that Virginia prisoner Robert Lee Brock’s lawsuit for $5-million against himself had been dismissed in state court. Brock claimed he had violated his own civil rights by getting himself arrested for grand larceny and asked the state to pay the $5-million because he had no income in prison.
1998: Japan slapped restrictions on the use of flashing lights on television after a “Pocket Monster” cartoon made thousands of kids sick. Some 680 children were rushed to hospitals after being thrown into fits by the cartoon show. Another 10,000 reportedly suffered convulsions and blurred vision.
2001: A Valparaiso, Indiana, couple who met through their mutual love of jogging were married in their running shorts after completing a 5-kilometer race in which they competed against their pastor and best man. During Wanda Johns’ and Clarence Melion’s wedding, the Rev. Duane Schmidt told the sweaty couple they were starting the “marathon of life.” Johns’ racing outfit included a white veil attached to a baseball cap, a wrist corsage and a white lace garter.
2006: A White House spokesman said President George W. Bush approved a leak of classified information, as charged in the I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby case, because it served a “public interest” and did not compromise security.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1378: Bartholomew Prignano is elected Pope Urban VI. Mired in political controversy even before his election (threats from masses of violent demonstrators helped drive his election), his violent demeanor did little to contradict rumors that he was insane. His electors conspired to leave Rome and name a new pope (Clement VII), starting the Great Western Schism.
1498: Savonarola is arrested. His friars fought fiercely despite his pleas that they not take up the sword.
1546: At its fourth session, the Council of Trent adopts Jerome’s Latin translation of the Bible (called the Vulgate), completed in 405, as the only authentic Latin text of the Scriptures. It became the official Bible of the Roman Catholic Church.
1857: A small group of Dutch immigrants, meeting in Zeeland, Michigan, organize the Christian Reformed Church.
1868: George Matheson, a blind hymn writer, is ordained pastor of Clydesdale parish of Innellan in Argyllshire, Scotland. He wrote the hymn “O Love that Will not Let Me Go.”
1901: After nearly 30 years of successful church planting in New Guinea, Presbyterian missionary James Chalmers (accompanied by missionary Oliver Tomkins, who had just arrived in the field) sets out to explore a new part of the islands. No one ever saw the two again. A rescue party learned the men had been clubbed to death and eaten by cannibals. When London preacher Joseph Parker heard the news, he exclaimed, “I do not want to believe it! Such a mystery of Providence makes it hard for our strained faith to recover. Yet Jesus was murdered. Paul was murdered . . . I cannot but feel that our honored and noble-minded friend has joined a great assembly.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actor (Mark on “Home Improvement”) Toran Noah Smith 32 (audio clip)
- actress (Maxie Jones on “General Hospital”, Bonnie Rockwaller on “Kim Possible”) Kirsten Storms 32 (audio clip)
- actress (Stigmata, Holes, Fast Food Nation, “Medium”) Patricia Arquette 48 (audio clip)
- actress (Moll Flanders, The Princess Bride, Unbreakable, Beowulf, Forest Gump) Robin Wright Penn 50
- actor/singer (“Smallville”, “The Dukes of Hazzard”) John Schneider 62 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1920 : Carmen McRae
1941 : J.J. Jackson
1942 : Roger “Chappo” Chapman (Family)
1947 : Steve Howe (Yes)
1947 : Larry Norman
1962 : Izzy Stradlin (Guns N’ Roses)
1963 : Julian Lennon
1964 : Biz Markie
1972 : Paul Gray (Slipknot)
1975 : Anouk
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
What’s the deal with marshmallow peeps?
Are you a “Peeps” person? If you are, then you’ve already seen and most likely purchased the pastel marshmallow creations lining the grocery store shelves. This Easter, Peeps fans will consume more than 700 million Peeps chicks, bunnies and eggs.
Over one billion individual Marshmallow Peeps are made every year for Easter, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day at Just Born’s Bethlehem, Pennsylvania factory. During the early years, it took 27 hours to create one Peep. Today, it takes six minutes. Peeps were once squeezed one at a time out of a pastry tube and their eyes were painted by hand. Now, technology can create 3,500 Peeps’ eyes per minute.
Today, Just Born is America’s largest manufacturer of seasonal marshmallow confections, with Marshmallow Peeps the top selling non-chocolate Easter candy brand for the last decade. Peeps even outsell jelly beans.
The history of Just Born, Inc. began in 1910, when Samuel Born immigrated to the U.S. from Russia. In 1932, the operation moved from Brooklyn to Bethlehem. Many of Just Born’s 400-plus employees are second and third generation candy makers.
Marshmallow Peeps came in only three colors as recently as 1995, when lavender was added. Blue Peeps were hatched for Easter 1998. Each Peep has 32 calories and 0 grams of fat.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
2016 has been a busy year for the Newsboys and the first quarter is barely even over. According to a recently Billboard article, the veteran Christian band appears in a pivotal scene in the new film God’s Not Dead 2, which hit theaters April 1. Meanwhile, their latest album, Love Riot, reached No. 1 on the Top Rock Albums chart, No. 2 on the Top Christian Albums list and No. 14 on the all-genre 200. According to the article, Love Riot represents a new chapter for the band. Drummer Duncan Phillips told Billboard “In many ways, I just feel we are getting started.”
Jamie Grace held her first ever facebook live chat this week and I think it’s safe to say that the response was positive. Jamie shared that that more than 63-thousand people joined her for the live event.
It looks like an animated version of Andrew Peterson’s The Wingfeather Saga is going to be a reality. Peterson used a kickstarter fund raiser in an attempt to raise the money needed for the project and the effort was successful. The Kickstarter wrapped up this week, raising a total of 265,881 dollars. Andrew posted: We’ll take a few days to regroup and reconnect to some kind of normalcy, then we’ll start planning how to make this film as awesome as we can make it.
Chris August shared a picture this week of his just completed, regulation NBA basketball goal. The picture was of is first shot on the goal, a fade away jumper. However, it might not be a picture he’ll keep. Chris says it was a brick.
The band For King and Country is known for their energetic concerts but so far the members of the band have been able to keep their activities on stage; at least until late last week. Joel posted: Well, it finally happened folks, I took a tumble off the stage.. But hey, at least I fell on beat! The good news is Joel is fine. He jumped right back on stage and continue the song like nothing had happened.
Citizen Way played a surprise CD release show over the weekend. The band recently released their second CD, titled Citizenway 2.0. The weekend surprise release show was held at the Imago Film Festival on the campus of Judson University, the alma mater of the members of Citizenway.
Phil Wickham is out with a new video telling the story behind the new song “Your Love Awakens Me”. Phil says we were once dead but now we’re alive. He says the song is calling all Christians to sing out that God’s love is greater than our sin. Watch the entire story behind the song video…
The members of Mercyme have the perfect plan. They suggested: pick up the God’s Not Dead 2 Soundtrack and then go see the new God’s Not Dead 2 film. Mercyme is one of 11 artists on the project. It also includes music by the Newsboys, Audio Adrenaline, Hawk Nelson, Citizenway, the Afters and more.
(No news on the weekends.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
There’s an app that will pay you to go on a walk. Bitwalking tracks steps — just like a standard fitness tracker or pedometer. As your steps rack up, so does your money. The smartphone app keeps a counter of currency along with distance traveled so users can see cents stacking up through the day. It takes 10,000 steps to generate one BW$ — which is equal to $1. ***This app isn’t for everyone though. For example, me. I’d pay at least a dollar to avoid having to take 10,000 steps.
In Oregon (Forest Grove) a woman called police to complain that she was hypnotized twice while visiting the library. ***Wait – people still go to the library?!?
A bizarre video surfaced on YouTube that purportedly shows something strange in the Thames (tems) River. The video uploader wonders if there are whales in the UK river, or if it’s a submarine. Many are simply calling it the Thames River Monster. The “creature” appears to have have two humps. ***Oh, look – something awesome and creepy! I’d better shake the camera as much as I can and not get a close up shot at all! http://ow.ly/10oBi6
President Obama calls Donald Trump’s plan to construct a wall on the southern US border with Mexico “half baked.” ***Psst… hey, Obama… the southern border fence was already approved by Congress way back in 2006. We just need a president that knows how to lead to get it done.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
We keep hearing about the health benefits from wine, but did you know that almost 10% of women say wine makes them itch? It’s called wine intolerance, and the allergy-like symptoms come mostly from a glass of red wine. The most common reactions include having nasal congestion, fleeing flushed, or feeling itchy. ***MARLAR: Women also reported that too drinking wine also brought unwanted advances by men itching to buy them more.
There’s a new trend towards what’s sometimes known as “soap-dodging”. Among those who have cut down on daily showers, baths or hair-washing were a woman who swipes a sliced lemon under her armpits instead of deodorant, another who uses baby wipes to freshen up, and a salesman who shampoos only once a month. *** Is this an attempt to be more “green” – because I’m pretty sure not showering actually adds to air pollution.
Wildlife experts report that gorillas living in Rwanda have learned on their own how to dismantle traps set by poachers. ***MARLAR: Not only that, but they then teach other gorillas by posting videos of how to do it on YouTube.
Male boss, or female? Which do you prefer? A survey from Gallup gives the edge to men, 32 to 22 percent. ***MARLAR: The remaining 46 percent of respondents were women who punched out the researchers.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Bye Bye”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Gregory, “Tennis”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Nozzles the Elephant had decided to begin writing down all of the tools Gruffy had never returned to him. But then Gruffy began writing all of the things Nozzles did wrong. That went on for a long time, and now Sully the Aardvark is at Nozzles’ house and they’re both thinking of things others do wrong… and writing them down…
CLOSE: How can so many friends keep telling each other their faults and yet still want to be in the same room together eating pizza? This is going to be one really messy pizza party unless somebody gets rid of that book! We’ll find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 09/10
OPEN: FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As The Jungle Turns! Last time, Cheetah Bonita decided she didn’t want to sing three-part harmony with her sisters any longer… she wanted to go solo. But both of her sisters hated that idea – and so did Gruffy Bear. Music in the jungle just wouldn’t be the same without that three part harmony. And then, Nozzles the Elephant stopped by…
CLOSE: Boy, it’s beginning to look like everybody wants to be solo – and nobody wants to harmonize! Tune in next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Showing off to impress your girlfriend not only rarely impresses her, but it’s usually the set up for a Moment of Duh.
18-year-old Nicholas Rogers, of England was out cruising in his car with his girlfriend when he happened upon a slower moving vehicle. Perhaps wanting to show off, Nicholas began sounding his horn, tailgating and lunging at the car in front. As Nicolas finally pulled alongside the other car, he slowed, and his female passenger made a hand gesture. The whole incident might have been fun for the couple had the other vehicle not been an unmarked police car. Rogers was fined about $200 and had three penalty points put on his license.
TOP TEN CLASSIFIEDS TO APPEAR IN THE JERUSALEM TIMES THE FIRST EASTER
- For Sale: Used Tomb. Good location! Like new! No longer occupied!
- For Sale: Temple Curtain. Subdivided by owner. (Mat. 27:51)
- For Sale: Used Wrap Collection. Excellent condition. You can have it for a song!
- For Sale: Large selection of sackcloth (mourning clothes)–men’s and women’s, various sizes and styles. No longer needed.
- Looking For Work: Two former guards. Willing to lie for right price. No Cemeteries! (Mat 28:11-15)
- Companions Wanted: Long-term relationships desired. I am dying to meet you!—Jesus Christ
- Lost Item: One body lost. Big Reward for its return!–the Sanhedrin.
- Personal to Mr. S: nah-nah, nah-nah, nah, nah–you lose!
- Personal to Jesus Christ: Well-done, Son! You da man!–Dad
- For sale: One Cross. Well used! Priceless! Best offer!
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Can you imagine escaping from prison and then not being punished for it? That’s the LAW in Columbia!
FILE #1: This is pretty bizarre. A dozen inmates had successfully escaped from Colombia’s mountain prison of Caloto, but returned the very next day to the front gates of the compound, asking to be readmitted. After visiting family and friends, the prisoners said they had opted to take advantage of a Colombian amnesty law that forgives and forgets prison breaks if fugitives return voluntarily within 72 hours.
FILE #2: As one Tennessee police officer puts it, “We can’t be everywhere all the time.” So, one Tennessee town has come up with a solution to deter speeders — a lifelike plastic cutout of a real Smyrna police officer. Sgt. Andy Miller, who posed for the picture, says “It’s meant to get people to think about it and slow down.” And he says “It’s actually worked.” The fake officer has worked so well the city is planning on getting another one. Sometimes Miller even stands behind his plastic twin and catches speeding drivers who apparently aren’t fooled by the cutout.
FILE #3: Always bring the right tools for the job. Waterloo, Iowa’s, Jacob Mason walked up to the drive-up window of a local Hardee’s restaurant and placed his order for a bacon, egg and cheese combo. Apparently thinking cash was part of the combo, Jacob crawled through the window and demanded money. Seeing as how he was armed only with a long cardboard tube covered in black tape, employees held him until police arrived.
STRANGE LAW: In St. Cloud, Minnesota, hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Before you start talking about stupid people, be sure your not one of them first!
A Slidell, Louisiana, man who struck up a conversation with a sheriff’s deputy about dumb criminals was cited when the deputy spotted a bag of marijuana protruding from his pocket. The uniformed sheriff’s deputy was at a gas station when a man walked up to him at the soda fountain. The man asked the deputy how busy he was and remarked, “There are some stupid people out there.” As they talked, the deputy noticed a plastic bag protruding from a pocket of the man’s cargo pants. When the deputy asked what was in the pocket, the man said it was empty. But the deputy persisted and asked him what was in the bag. At that point, the red-faced culprit produced a small bag of marijuana and surrendered it to the deputy, who said, “What was that you were saying about stupid people?”
It’s THANK YOU DAY (see today’s Weird Holidays), so I’m giving you 30 seconds to say “thank you”. Call in and you can thank anyone for anything on the air – you just have 30 seconds in which to do it. So, who deserves an “on-air thanks” from you?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: “I am the Lord’s servant,” ___________ answered. “May it be to me as you have said.”
ANSWER: Mary (Luke 1:38)
QUESTION: Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- The first patent issued in the U.S. was for a dietary aid. (False – In 1833, George Dulty in Wheeling was granted the first patent for a soda fountain.)
- Earthquakes occur on the moon. (True. “Moonquakes” do occur, but they happen less frequently and have smaller magnitudes than earthquakes on the Earth.)
- The only living tissue in the human body that contains no blood vessels is the transparent cornea of the eye. (True)
- There is a course on the “Films of Keanu Reeves” offered at The Art Center, College of Design in Pasadena, California. (True)
- Milton Bradley originally wanted to name the game Twister, Pretzel. (True – but they couldn’t since the name “pretzel” was already copyrighted.)
- One tree can provide enough oxygen needed for a family of four. (False – but two trees will do the job.)
- In Charles Schulz’s comic strip “Peanuts,” Snoopy was born at the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm. (True)
- The world’s fastest flying insect is a species of honeybee. (False – it’s a species of horsefly, and it can fly as fast as 90 miles per hour.)
- Rolls-Royce used to make rifles. (True – during World War I.)
- No word in the English language rhymes with orange. (True. Same goes for the words month, silver, and purple.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
______ ON ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST (MEN)
Men are going extinct and scientists have now put them on the “endangered species” list. Professor Jenna Goodman even claims the male of the species is heading for extinction by the end of this century. Professor Goodman, one of England’s most influential scientists, believes that women will win the battle of the sexes – and men will be permanently vanquished. She says that the inherent fragility of the male sex chromosome, the Y sex chromosome, means that men will no longer be able to survive in the genetic pool. The female, or X, chromosome, contains a healthy 1,000 or so genes. And girls and women have two of them. The Y chromosome started off with as many genes as its female counterpart. But over hundreds of millions of years it has crumbled away, leaving fewer than 100 genes in modern man. This includes the SRY gene, the ‘male master switch’ that determines whether an embryo is male or female. What is more, while women have two X chromosomes, men have just one, dying Y. Lacking a mate, the Y chromosome finds it more difficult to patch up mistakes and so decays away. Professor Goodman, of Cambridge University, said: ‘The X chromosome is all alone in the male but in the female it has a friend, so it can swop bits and repair itself. The Y is going to get hit in the next twenty years and then… it’ll be all over.” The Professor said the Y Chromosome has turned to “junk.” Scientists say that women will still be able to have babies from artificial sperm and some speculate that the world will be a more peaceful and joyful place.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
Jack’s wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Jack would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, “What’s the matter, Jack? Don’t you like my singing?”
Jack replied, “Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you.”
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is.”
“Of course I do,” he indignantly answered. “How could you think I would forget?” Whereupon he left for the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.
“First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the dress!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful ‘Arbor Day’ in all my life!”
SO, YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS, EH??
- In the old days, discipline for the kids was easy. You just bopped them at least once every day. If you didn’t know why, they did.
- I’ve found children to be a great comfort in your declining years. good thing too – they “declined” ya faster in the first place.
- The young Mother, tired of all the loud noise, tells her son to go outside and play with his friends. “I only have one friend.” he retorts, “and I HATE him !”
- The little girl had just finished her very first soccer match & her Mother asked her how she liked the sport. “It’s OK, I guess.” she replied. “But it’d be a lot more fun if the other team learned how to share better.”
- To any of you out there who’ve yet to have children. If you’re still deciding whether or not to bring some into this poor old world, I highly recommend you go to lunch at some fast food place and sit next to a bunch of them.
- The Mother was having more than a little bit of trouble with her pre-teen boy. She summed it up for him by saying, “Lloyd, you must live each day as if it were your last.” “No way !!!” he yelled. “I tried that last week and you grounded me.”
An Arizona thief stole dozens of free-to-borrow fantasy and fiction audio books from his local library. ***MARLAR: Ironically, most of them were crime stories.
A Michigan man says he shot a neighbor’s cow after mistaking it for a coyote. ***MARLAR: Wow – exactly how big ARE the coyotes in Michigan?
My son is so lazy he hates emptying the trash in the recycle bin on his computer.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Smelly feet cause a happy couple to break up!
A Birmingham, Alabama woman has decided that the smell of her boyfriend’s feet is the reason why their relationship can go on no more! It seems that 18-year-old Kelly Green has dropped Matt Hassett because the odor of his feet is intolerable. Devastated, Matt has tried to fix the problem by changing his socks and washing his feet twice a day, but to no avail as the smell was just too much to bear. ***MARLAR: Calling Dr. Scholls, Dr. Scholls to the emergency room please!
HOW HEAVY IS YOUR BAG?
One of my teachers had each one of us bring a clear plastic bag and a sack of potatoes. For every person we’d refuse to forgive in our life, we were told to choose a potato, write on it the name and date, and put it in the plastic bag. Some of our bags, as you can imagine, were quite heavy.
We were then told to carry this bag with us everywhere for one week, putting it beside our bed at night, on the car seat when driving, next to our desk at work.
The hassle of lugging this around with us made it clear what a weight we were carrying spiritually, and how we had to pay attention to it all the time to not forget, and keep leaving it in embarrassing places.
Naturally, the condition of the potatoes deteriorated to a nasty slime. This was a great metaphor for the price we pay for keeping our pain and heavy negativity!
Too often we think of forgiveness as a gift to the other person, and while that’s true, it clearly is also a gift for ourselves!
So the next time you decide you can’t forgive someone, ask yourself…
Isn’t MY bag heavy enough?
“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”- Mark 11:25
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
LIGHTEN THE LOAD
Read: Philippians 4:10-20
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. —Philippians 4:13
I once read about a distraught Christian woman who was extremely upset because her children had become unruly. She telephoned her husband at work one day and tearfully described the visit of a friend who had pinned this verse above the kitchen sink: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). The friend had meant well. She was trying to be helpful, but her action just made the mom feel even more like a failure.
Sometimes it’s not helpful merely to quote a Scripture verse to someone. Philippians 4:13 was Paul’s personal testimony that he had learned to be content in all situations, in plenty and in want (vv.11-12). His secret of contentment was that he could “do all things through Christ” who strengthened him (v.13).
We too can live by Paul’s secret. We can be victorious through Christ’s strength, but we shouldn’t force this truth on people who are feeling overwhelmed. Paul also wrote that we should care for one another and share in one another’s distress (Galatians 6:2; Philippians 2:4; 4:14).
We need each other, for we all have burdens to bear. Let’s use the strength Christ gives us to minister to the needs of others and find ways to lighten their loads. —Joanie Yoder
While playing a game of fetch in Germany, a man threw a stick for his dog to chase. One problem though… the dog didn’t come back with a stick. It came back with something else.
It used to be an innocent game. You’d throw the stick, the dog would run to get it and bring it back. Then you’d throw the stick again. It wasn’t a really hard game to play either, now that I think about it. But things got really complex for a German man when he threw the stick and his dog returned with something else. Not a stick… but a live hand grenade! Fortunately, it did not go off, and he called the police – who evacuated the area and had explosives experts make it safe. The dog’s owners said, “Hajo has already found loads of things. He could easily become a search dog.”
LIFE… LIVE IT
I PICKED THIS ONE FOR YOU
Gross-out warning, gross-out warning! The next story will likely make you gag… just wanted to give you fair warning.
When I was little, like in kindergarten, we used to make fun of kids that… well… how can I put this delicately? Kids that consumed their own nose candy. I’m sure you get the picture. Anyway, we made fun of those kids because, after all, that kind of thing is gross! But no one ever really stopped to think if doing that kind of t hing was healthy or not. Some scientists in Toronto who apparently have way too much time on their hands and way to much taxpayer money to play with decided to do some tests to see if eating your own “boogies” is harmful to your health or not. It turns out that a certain “mucin” actually blocks the body’s mechanism to fight a cancer cell… and if you eliminate that mucin that you might actually eliminate the cancer. So eating that… well… you know… might actually prevent you from getting cancer.
JUST FOR FUN
A dog goes to church every Sunday in Portugal… and walks 16 miles to do it!
I have to admit that, even though I should, I don’t always make it to church. But now I’m beginning to feel shamed into doing it, because it turns out that a dog in Portugal is more dedicated to going to church than I am. I drive to church – about five miles from my home. Preta the dog walks to church – every Sunday – 16 miles by herself to get there in time for the 7:30 a.m. mass! She’s done this every single Sunday for the last 3 years! And Preta doesn’t stop there. Even though she’s a dog, whenever worshippers stand up or sit down, Preta does the same. Once mass is over, she usually walks back home. Sometimes Preta will return in a car — but only with a human she knows. Congregations have grown at the church as many people come just to see Preta. ***MARLAR: So when you go to church to hear God speak, you might also hear a dog speak too. (Did you ever notice that GOD spelled backwards is DOG?)
TAXES FROM AROUND THE WORLD
Tax day, April 15th, is quickly approaching. So, Maxim magazine took the time to bring us “taxes from around the world.”
- Australia – Tax: 65 percent on cigarettes. Sure, the unflappable Aussies risk life and limb with snakes, crocs, and Australian Rules Football but their government has to protect them from the perils of smoking.
- China – Tax: 80 percent to 100 percent on foreign cars. Your old $5,000 Escort would cost $9,000 if someone in China were stupid enough to buy it.
- Turkmenistan – Tax: 100 percent on mineral water. This former Soviet republic slaps the same heavy premium on cotton mittens, saws, blankets, pillows, and mattresses, deeming them “luxury items.” Apparently, so is “tourism.”
- Costa Rica – Tax: 170 percent on foreign poultry. Costa Rica has definitely taken chicken nuggets off the value menu. And don’t try to swallow that tax with a glass of milk, as foreign dairy products garner a 96 percent mark-up.
- Sweden – Tax: 400 percent on hard liquor. Back in the 1800s, Swedes drank a whopping 46 liters of liquor a year per person. To fend off this encroaching “Irishness,” (according to them) the Swedish government slapped incredibly high taxes on alcohol.
- Japan – Tax: 1,000 percent on foreign rice. Japan has always been a good fortress to imported goods, but the Japanese will do everything shy of hari-kari to keep alien rice out of their country. No Uncle Benihana’s for you.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
CAN ANGER BE A GOOD THING?
Anger may not be so bad after all!
…Many experts think that getting angry can actually be good for you… as long as you vent your rage in constructive ways. The key to making anger work is to let it all out, because if you keep it bottled up inside, it’ll turn into a monster. How can you use the anger constructively? If you’re mad at the power company for raising rates, write a letter. Even if you don’t send it, you’ll feel better just putting your feelings on paper. ***MARLAR: However, if you’re mad at (STATION) or (THE JOCK SHOW), go ahead and send the letter, but please enclose $50 in cash for handling costs.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
For the church in China, history is being made. According to Mission Network News, for more than a century, the predominant Bible in China has been the Union translation. While still in use, it’s written in a language most contemporary Chinese people don’t speak. Now the Chinese government has granted approval for the Chinese Contemporary Bible to be printed in mass production at Amity Printing in Nanjing–the world’s largest publisher of Bibles. Officials say it’s a “first-ever in the history of the church in China to have a modern translation available for the vast number of Chinese citizens.”
Just when you think you’ve seen it all, there’s always something that’ll make you stop and say, “Hmm?” TODAY’s style and beauty expert Bobbie Thomas has uncovered the most unique and unusual finds to recently hit the beauty market. They include Spray-on nail polish, Wearable aromatherapy, and a hair tool you keep in the freezer.
Planning to get married soon? Focus on the Family has a Marriage Prep for Couples app to help you and your future spouse prepare for your upcoming marriage. http://bit.ly/1yArN8o
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. So why is it then that when Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they call each other Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy?
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 08, 2016…
Before I Wake—Everyone has dreams that are fine and not so fine. In this movie, a child keeps having nightmares that eventually come true, terribly true. The cast includes Kate Bosworth, Thomas Jane and Jacob Tremblay. “Before I Wake” is rated PG 13. No rating.
The Boss—The next Melissa McCarthy comedy and this time she portrays a Martha Stewart-type character who is sent to prison for money problems. Who is supposed to run her company when she is gone? Kristen Bell also stars and the film is directed by McCarthy’s real-life husband, Ben Falcone. “The Boss” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Demolition—The title makes one think of a demolition derby, but instead, it is about a man (Jake Gyllenhaal) who has had many tragedies in his life and is trying to pull himself together. One of his letters accidentally goes to the wrong office and Naomi Watts gets it and starts taking an interest in Jake. Chris Cooper is also in the cast. “Demolition” is rated R. No rating.
Mr. Right (opening in select cities) —This is a study of manic-depression and is a comedy. Yes, Sam Rockwell is a paid assassin who falls for the manic-depressive Anna Kendrick, who starts to think she is seeing and hearing things. Tim Roth is also in the cast. “Mr. Right” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Term Life– Vince Vaughn stars in a comedy about a man who plans robberies for other people, but is now on the run. Hailee Steinfeld and Bill Paxton are also in the cast. “Term Life” is rated PG 13. No rating.
APRIL 15, 2016…
The Jungle Book is an animated adaptation of the famed book with voices of Bill Murray and Idris Elba.
Barbershop 4: The Next Cut continues the series of keeping a barbershop open. Stars Ice Cube.
Criminal stars Kevin Costner as an ex-con with implanted memories.
Everybody Wants Some!! Is a humorous sports film about college baseball in the 1980’s.
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