April 09, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep

ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.

Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at darren@marlarhouse.com to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!

**********
PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180409
PDF: 20180409

**********

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Well, I’m all set for another award-winning program: shirt pressed…. hair combed…. fingernails freshly bitten…. let’s get started!

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Being president is like running a cemetery: you’v’e got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.” – Bill Clinton

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. –1 John 1:9

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. — James 5:16

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. — Psalm 143:1

Thought: Some days are just plain tough! Those we care about are hurting. Our plans are falling through. Our prayers seem to bounce off the ceiling and fall at our feet. We cry out to God — sometimes in anger, sometimes in desperation, but especially for mercy. We need relief! We need hope! We need the Father to respond.

Prayer: Faithful and righteous God, loving Father, please come to my aide and bring me relief from my struggles with sin, with disease, with discouragement, with friends who are untrue, and with enemies who work for my humiliation and destruction. I need your help. I need your mercy. O, dear Father, I need to know your presence and power in my life today. In Jesus’ sweet name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 John 4:9 NIV = This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.

TODAY IS MONDAY – APRIL 09, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
259 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

unds heavier than the pimple it produced.

This is NATIONAL MIME WEEK. ***And to celebrate, I’ve decided to do the rest of my report in pantomime. First, I’ll perform “Man in a box.” (long moment of silence). Wow, I ought to do this more often… I’m not usually this entertaining.

Today is NATIONAL CHERISH AN ANTIQUE DAY. ***Buy something nice for your wife.

Today is NATIONAL FUN AT WORK DAY.  ***Well, not so far it isn’t. Okay… who’s not celebrating around here?!?!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Appomattox Day
Jenkins Ear Day
Jumbo Day (Elephant
s came to US and created the word for “jumbo” meaning “big” in our language.)
National Cherish An Antique Day
National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day
Winston Churchill Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, APRIL 10

ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) Day
Equal Pay Day
Free Cone Day (Ben & Jerrys)
National Be Kind To Lawyers Day
National Farm Animals Day
National Library Workers Day
National Library Day
National Sibling Day

Salvation Army Founder’s Day
Safety Pin Day

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11

Barbershop Quartet Day
International “Louie Louie” Day
National Bookmobile Day
National Pet Day
National Teach Children To Save Day
Submarine Day
World Parkinson’s Disease Day

THURSDAY, APRIL 12

Belmont-Paul Women’s Equality Monument Day
Celebrate Teen Literature Day
D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything And Read)
Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day
International Day of Human Space Flight
International Day for Street Children
National Licorice Day
Walk on Your Wild Side Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 13

American Immigration Lawyers Association Day of Action
Blame Someone Else Day
National Donate Life (Blue and Green) Day
Make Lunch Count Day
Scrabble Day
Thomas Jefferson Day

SATURDAY, APRIL 14

American Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Baby Massage Day
Children with Alopecia Day
Dictionary Day
Global Day to End Child Sexual Abuse
International Moment of Laughter Day
National Dolphin Day
National Ex-Spouse Day
National Gardening Day
National Pecan Day
Pan American Day
Pathologists’ Assistant Day
Slow Art Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 15

Jackie Robinson Day
McDonald’s Day
One Boston Day
Rubber Eraser Day
Take a Wild Guess Day
That Sucks Day
World Art Day

MONDAY APRIL 16

Boston Marathon
Emancipation Day
Foursquare Day
National Bean Counter Day
National Health Care Decisions Day
National Orchid Day
Save The Elephant Day

ON THIS DAY

1913: On opening day at Ebbets Field, new home of the Brooklyn Dodgers, fans had to wait an hour to get in because nobody brought the key. Then there was no flag to salute for The National Anthem. Then the Dodgers lost to Philadelphia 1-0.

1965: Major-league baseball’s first indoor game was played at the opening of the Houston Astrodome. President Lyndon Johnson was there, but Texas governor John Connally threw out the first ball. In an exhibition game the Houston Colt-45s beat the New York Yankees 2-1.

1973: Carly Simon received a gold record for the single, “You’re So Vain.”

1984: Robert Duvall won the Oscar as Best Actor for his role as a country singer in Tender Mercies.

1988: Singer Brook Benton died of a spinal disease at age 56.

1988: Elders returned to Bikini Atoll to begin cleaning up the island where no one had lived since the nuclear testing of the 1940s.

1988: The final episode of the action drama The New Adventures of Beans Baxter aired on The Fox Network.

1992: U.S. President George Bush fell suddenly ill at a state dinner in Japan. He became pale, slumped in his chair, and threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister. (video clip)

1993: The Colorado Rockies set a National League baseball record by drawing 80,227 fans to their first game.

1994: Actress Judy Geeson was playing a chain-smoker in the play Faith Healer at a New Haven, Connecticut, theater, when a man in the audience stood up and said, “You’re gonna kill yourself smoking that much!” Then he yelled as he walked out, “Smoking is prohibited in this theater anyway!” (audio clip)

1996: The Church of England was in uproar after actress Ruth Ford was cast in the role of God in the annual York Mystery Plays.

1998: New Zealand’s conservation minister proposed firing the Easter Bunny and replacing him with the Easter Kiwi. Nick Smith said the bunny was one of New Zealand’s major pests and that the kiwi would be better for the environment and for kids.

2002: Former Arthur Andersen auditor David B. Duncan pleaded guilty in Houston federal court to ordering the shredding of Enron documents, and agreed to cooperate with prosecutors.

2002: Scientists at the Army Soldier Systems Center in Massachusetts introduced a vacuum-sealed battlefield sandwich edible for up to three years. Using an array of chemicals to seal the meat and inhibit bacterial growth, the scientists had produced pepperoni and barbecue chicken indestructible sandwiches, and were experimenting with pizzas, bagels, burritos and even the staple peanut butter sandwich.

2005: Britain’s Prince Charles married Camilla Parker Bowles, who took the title Duchess of Cornwall.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1626: English philosopher of science Sir Francis Bacon dies. After a dizzying rise to political power (he was named Lord Chancellor in 1618) and a bribery scandal, Bacon retired to writing. He introduced the essay form to the English language and wrote The New Atlantis, which mixed his scientific approach and his Christian beliefs. “Knowledge is the rich storehouse for the glory of the Creator and the relief of man’s estate,” he wrote. “A little philosophy inclined man’s mind to atheism, but depth in philosophy bringeth men’s minds about to religion.”

1761: English devotional writer William Law dies. His writings, such as A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life, greatly influenced George Whitefield and John Wesley though they later distanced themselves when Law wrote of the indwelling of Christ in the soul.

1816: Richard Allen and others organize the African Methodist Episcopal Church in Philadelphia. The next day he was named the denomination’s first bishop, thereby becoming the first black bishop in the United States. A few years earlier, Allen and his colleagues had left the Methodist Episcopal Church when it removed blacks from “white” seats during prayer.

1906: In Los Angeles, Holiness minister William Seymour and several associates experience what they called the “baptism of the Spirit,” marked by speaking in tongues. This launched the three-year “Azusa Street Revival,” considered the first major public event of Pentecostalism.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Stevie in Mystery Alaska) Ryan Northcott 38

  • actress (“The Cosby Show)” Keshia Knight Pulliam is 39 (audio clip)

  • actress (Miranda on “Sex And The City”) Cynthia Nixon 52 (audio clip)

  • actress (Anna, Her Alibi, “Dancing With The Stars”) Paulina Porizkova 53 (audio clip)

  • actor (Flight of the Phoenix, The Day After Tomorrow, The Rookie, Cold Creek Manor, Frequency) Dennis Quaid 64

  • actress (“Scrubs,” “Nurse,” Olivia on “The Waltons”) Michael Learned 79 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1887 : Florence Beatrice Price

1932 : Carl Perkins

1941 : Kaye Adams

1943 : Terry Knight

1944 : Gene Parsons (The Byrds, The Flying Burrito Brothers)

1945 : Emil Stucchio (The Classics)

1948 : Dave “Chico” Ryan (The Happenings, Sha Na Na, Bill Haley & His Comets)

1969 : Kevin Martin (Candlebox)

1977 : Gerard Way (My Chemical Romance)

1987 : Jesse McCartney

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

What came first, the orange or the color Orange?

The color is named after the fruit. The English version of the word comes from Old French, but originally it comes from the Arabic word, naranj. Since the fruit was (probably) native to India, the origin is in the languages there, but the exact origin has long been lost to the ages. The House of Orange (referring to the Dutch royal family or William and Mary of England) and the use of the term in reference to Irish politics is of a different origin. It derives from the town of Orange on the Rhone river in France and is etymologically unrelated to the color or the fruit.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

*****NOTE: THIS FEATURE WILL BE TAKING A BREAK FROM MARCH 31 THRU APRL 16. IT WILL RETURN TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2018.*****

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

According to Reader’s Digest, reading to kids at bedtime in American homes has decreased by over 80% since 1960. ***Probably because today’s new parents don’t know how to read.

According to a recent study, staff in popular restaurants may be going deaf because of the noise levels. Dinnertime noise levels at certain restaurants can frequently top 85 decibels — about as loud as heavy city traffic — and go up as high as 105 decibels — the equivalent of a packed dance club. ***This totally explains my marriage. The restaurant was so busy and loud that when I was drunk and asked her, “will you carry me”, she heard “will you MARRY me.”

Bolivia’s health ministry announced a novel idea to cheer up carnivores worried by the World Health Organization’s warning that red meat “probably” causes cancer: switch to llamas. The health ministry’s head of food and nutrition said, “We have very good meats like llama, with a low percentage of fat that are beneficial if consumed in moderation.” ***So what do you think… leg of llama?

A recent study discovered that a few glasses of wine a week could ward off depression. Two to seven glasses a week cuts your risk by 32%. ***Two to seven glasses of wine an hour also does the trick – but you can’t remember the next morning.

A study from Miami University in Oxford, Ohio, finds a brisk walk can nix brain drain. People completed mental tasks more efficiently after a 20-minute stint on the treadmill than after resting. Exercise may expand the brain’s processing ability, says lead researcher Benjamin Sibley, Ph. D. Try a lunchtime walk so you can stay sharp in the afternoon. ***Looking back on the lame delivery of my jokes so far this morning, I think I’m going to go take a brisk walk around the radio tower now.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were terrified and began to panic after coming across something they’d never seen before in the jungle – they found five giant footprints to a terrible, awful, disgusting, ugly, smelly, terrifying creature! Maybe. Unfortunately, nobody’s really seen the creature itself.

CLOSE: Maybe Nozzles is right… we really don’t know what made the footprints – or even if they’re real! Right now we’re just scared of stuff we’re imagining! Just imagine what will happen next… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
A letter from a hospital to a patient is the subject of today’s Moment of Duh!

University Hospitals Coventry recently sent Ronald Cooksey a letter, informing him that he is a “non-emergency patient” and comforting him with the news that his chances for surviving his surgery are good. “There is a difference between patients like you, who are on our waiting list for elective surgery, and emergency patients who need to have surgery in a hurry because their condition has become unstable or life-threatening,” the letter explained. Yes, it is undeniably true that there IS a difference between Ronald Cooksey and other patients. Ronald Cooksey is DEAD… having died from his “non-emergency” heart condition a year earlier.  So it should come as no surprise that, upon receiving this letter, the family became a bit upset – and contacted a lawyer.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN CLASSIFIEDS TO APPEAR IN THE JERUSALEM TIMES THAT FIRST EASTER

10. For Sale: Used Tomb. Good location! Like new! No longer occupied!

9. For Sale: Temple Curtain. Subdivided by owner. (Mat. 27:51)

8. For Sale: Used Wrap Collection. Excellent condition. You can have it for a song!

7. For Sale: Large selection of sackcloth (mourning clothes)–men’s and women’s, various sizes and styles. No longer needed.

6. Looking For Work: Two former guards. Willing to lie for right price. No Cemeteries! (Mat 28:11-15)

5. Companions Wanted: Long-term relationships desired. I am dying to meet you!–Jesus

4. Lost Item: One body lost. Big Reward for its return!–the Sanhedrin.

3. Personal to Mr. S: nah-nah, nah-nah, nah, nah–you lose!

2. Personal to JC: Well-done, Son! — Dad

1. For sale: One Cross. Well used! Priceless!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Why would an inmate just released from prison want to break back in to prison?

FILE #1: In Malawi, notorious criminal Witala Soko was released from prison after serving six years for burglary. Days later, Soko broke back into prison and stole two rifles, three pairs of handcuffs and a police communications radio. Soko was eventually captured again and will likely be returned to his familiar prison cell on the new burglary charges.

FILE #2: 25-year-old Alvin Gist robbed the First American Check Cashing store in Louisville, Kentucky. Unfortunately, Gist didn’t get the gist of not robbing the same check cashing store where you’re a regular customer. Yes, they recognized him and when police paid a visit to his apartment they found the money and the clothes he wore during the robbery.

FILE #3: When committing a robbery, the element of surprise always comes in handy. Unfortunately, this was news to Michigan’s Kasey Allan and David Connell. The duo went into a gas station and warned the cashier they were coming back with guns to rob the place and gave her a detailed plan of the crime. Those details included cutting her in for a piece of the action if she cooperated. The cashier cooperated, but not with the crooks. She called police and when the robbers returned as promised police made the easy arrest.

STRANGE LAW: In Maine all Christmas decorations must be down by January 14th or you will receive a $50 fine.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Today’s Brain on Drugs might pass you by if you don’t pay close attention!

Police surrounded a stolen car that finally ran out of gas in Westboro, Massachusetts and driver Ronald D. Raymond asked them to “Hold on a minute” as he finished his beverage… an alcoholic beverage.

PHONER PHUN

My how times have changed. I’m hearing stories now of people breaking up with each other via text messaging. Did someone ever break up with you via text or email? How did you handle it?

If you could wipe your memory and watch any movie over again for the “first” time, what movie would you pick?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said, “It is my judgment, therefore, that we should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God.”?

ANSWER: Paul (Act’s 15:19)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: If you drilled a hole straight through the center of the earth from New York City, where would you end up?

ANSWER: Perth, Australia

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The letters “O-u-g-h” can be pronounced in five different ways. (False. It can be pronounced EIGHT different ways! The following sentence contains them all: “A ROUGHT-coated, DOUGH-faced PLOUGHMAN strode THROUGH the streets of SCARBOROUGH, COUGHING and HICCOUGHING THOUGHTFULLY.)

2. The correct response to the Irish greeting, “Top of the morning to you,” is “and a top of the morning to you too.” (False. It’s, “and the rest of the day to yourself.”)

3. The expletive, “Holy Toledo,” refers to Toledo, Ohio. (False – it refers to Toledo, Spain, which became an outstanding Christian cultural center in 1085.)

4. The idiom “pillar of salt” means to have a stroke, or to become paralyzed and dead. (True)

5. When you say something is the “ultimate” in it’s category, product, or field, you’re saying it’s the “last”. (True. The last thing to happen is the ultimate. The next-to-last is the penultimate, and the second-to-last is the antepenultimate.)

6. The ridges on the sides of coins are called reeding. (True. They are also called milling.)

7. The right side of a boat was called the starboard side because that’s where people used to look at the stars. (True. Astronavigators used to stand out on the plank – which was on the right side of the boat – to get an unobstructed view of the stars. The left side was called the port side because that was the side that you put in on at the port.)

8. Many of the sweaters worn by Mr. Rogers on the popular television show, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, were actually knitted by his real mother. (True)

9. On September 9, 1950 dubbed laughter (a laugh track) was used for the first time on television. It was used for the sitcom “I Love Lucy.” (False – it was for the sitcom “The Hank McCune Show”

10. The first female guest host of Saturday Night Live was actress Vivian Vance. (False, Candace Bergen)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GIANT-SIZED _______ INVADE FLORIDA! (RATS)

Giant rats are running wild in the Florida Keys!

The voracious rats first appeared in 1999 after they escaped from a local exotic pets breeder – and they’ve been multiplying like crazy and getting bigger and bigger – and bigger.

Yikes!

These adult rats can reach nineteen pounds.

These giant Gambian pouch rats are everywhere on Florida’s Grassy Key despite concerted efforts by conservation officials to eradicate them.

Officials worry that the voracious rats, which grow to nineteen pounds, might wipe out some crops and upset the delicate ecological balance if they manage to reach the Florida mainland.

And citizens are running scared.  ”They are ferocious.  I’d rather face a lion,” said Jeb Markham of Key West.

South Florida has become a virtual dumping ground for exotic animals from across the globe – and the gigantic rats love eating them all.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

One day a professor was giving a big test to his students.  He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.  The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note that said, “A dollar per point.”

The next class the professor handed back the tests.  The student received his test and $64 change.

JOKE #2

A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in added pounds – and girth – was being shown a Jeep by a salesman at an auto dealership.

When the salesman’s pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the typical line, “Now what would it take to get you into one of these?”

Looking at the Jeep’s high front seat, the woman replied, “Probably a crowbar.”

JOKE #3

The fourth-grade class was studying the development of the auto industry. The teacher had emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs. At the end of the unit, she gave a test including the question: “What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable?”

One of the brightest students in the class wrote: “0% financing.”

USELESS FACTS

A study says procrastination among adults is getting worse. ***Maybe.  Actually, they haven’t actually gotten around to finishing the study yet.

Stanford researchers report that people who wear pedometers walk 2,000 more steps per day than people who don’t wear pedometers.  ***Really?  But how do they know that? Think about it. How do they know how many steps people without pedometers took? Wouldn’t they only way they could know require that person wearing a pedometer?

FEATURED FUNNIES

PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE

Miss Smith and Little Johnny’s father were having a parent teacher conference. Miss Smith said to Little Johnny’s father, “Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.”

Little Johnny’s father asked, “What’s that?”

“With grades like these, he couldn’t possibly be cheating.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

The Holy Bible… the graphic novel?

A Japanese author (Ajinbayo Akinsiku) has created a heavily abridged version of the Bible, in the graphic novel style. Called the “Manga Bible,” the work was recently published in the United States, with the goal of making Jesus more “accessible” to a younger, religion-indifferent generation. Along with the illustrations, the Manga Bible uses contemporary dialogue and action scenes. In one example, Noah is seen taking census on the Ark and says, “That’s 11,344 animals? Aargh! I’ve lost count again. I’m going to have to start from scratch!” (New York Times)

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

As I started weeding my flower boxes, a friend came by to pay for an item she had purchased from me. Perfect, I thought. Now I can buy a new camera. While taking a photojournalism class at college, the shutter on my camera had suffered a fatality. Since I couldn’t afford either the repair or a new camera, this timely sale was just the solution I needed. As I resumed my duties, the Holy Spirit reminded me of the little boy I had met while on a mission trip building an orphanage in Bolivia three months earlier. I had promised God that someday I would help that little boy. Was that day now? But how could I finish my photojournalism class without a camera? I fought back and forth- little boy, camera – and then finally decided: I would send the money to Bolivia, and if God wanted me to finish my class, He would provide me with a solution. I immediately wrote out a check and put it in the mailbox. An hour later the mail carrier arrived. Not only did he pick up my check, but he also left me a handful of bills. At the bottom of the pile lay an unmarked envelope. I couldn’t believe what it contained- an unexpected check for the mount of a new camera. –Thea Hansen

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GOD’S VITAMINS

  • Anxious? Take Vitamin A. (Romans 8:28 = And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.)
  • Blue? Take Vitamin B. (Psalm 103:1 = Bless the LORD, O my soul; And all that is within me, bless His holy name!)
  • Crushed? Take Vitamin C. (1 Peter 5:7 = Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.)
  • Depressed? Take Vitamin D. (James 4:8 = Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.)
  • Empty? Take Vitamin E (Psalm 100:4 = Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise.)
  • Fearful? Take Vitamin F. (Isaiah 41:10 = Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’)
  • Greedy? Take Vitamin G. (Luke 6:38 = Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.”)
  • Hesitant? Take Vitamin H. (Isaiah 52:7 = How beautiful upon the mountains Are the feet of him who brings good news, Who proclaims peace, Who brings glad tidings of good things, Who proclaims salvation, Who says to Zion, “Your God reigns!”)
  • Insecure? Take Vitamin I. (Philippians 4:13 = I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.)
  • Jittery? Take Vitamin J. (Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.)

LEFTOVERS

What have you learned from going to the movies?

After so many years in existence, I’ve learned a lot in this life… and along with my parents, teachers, spiritual leaders, friends, and others – I’ve also learned a few things from going to movies. Actually, to be honest, I’ve learned the hard way that a lot of the things that I see in movies are NOT true. According to the movies, we’re supposed to believe that…

  • It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

  • A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

  • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

  • When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

  • No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, or volcanic eruption will ever go into shock.

  • Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

  • Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

  • Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

  •  An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

PHONER: Now – how about you add to the list! Give me a call and let me know what other things you’ve learned from watching movies!

LIFE… LIVE IT

You might be burning extra calories right now and not even realize it!

Some of the boring things you do in the office every day are actually helping you burn calories. For example…

  • Running an energetic meeting in front of your boss burns up 177 calories per hour!

  • Cleaning up your desk and surrounding area: 177 calories per hour

  • Delivering mail throughout the office: 177 calories per hour

  • Xeroxing and stapling or filing papers while standing: 147.5 calories per hour

  • Writing a project proposal by hand: 102 calories per hour

  • Typing on your computer: 96 calories

  • Sitting through a staff meeting: 88.5 calories

***Can you feel that burn? Come on now, type… 2… 3… 4… file… 6… 7… 8… staple… 2… 3… 4…

JUST FOR FUN

HOW DIRTY ARE YOU?

A Glamour poll of nearly 1000 women, analyzed by Billy Goldberg, M.D., and Mark Leyner, authors of “Let’s Play Doctor,” found which habits are unhealthy — and which are filthy but fine.

  • Ever wear dirty clothes? A full 85% of women have — just draw the line at underwear (which 52% of poll-takers have re-worn).

  • The five-second rule? More than 40% of women eat food that’s fallen on the floor. — Researchers tossed food on grimy flooring and found that it was germy after just a few seconds.

  • Go barefoot at the gym? 32% of women admitted doing it — Sorry, going barefoot is not a good thing to do at the gym. Even if you’re not worried about slipping on wet feet, you should be wary of the stuff found in sweaty, steamy places that can cause athlete’s foot and plantar warts.

  • Brush your teeth every night? 43% of poll-takers said they don’t — Skip brushing and you’re giving the germs in your mouth time to multiply, especially since the production of bacteria-killing saliva decreases when you sleep.

  • How often do you shower? Almost a third of women said they don’t lather up every day — It depends on how much you sweat. Unhealthy? No.

  • Wash up after using the bathroom? 24% of women don’t do it every time — A little time at the sink will prevent those germs from finding their way into your mouth and causing you nasty gastrointestinal distress. Hand washing is the single most effective way to prevent the transmission of disease of almost any kind.

FUN LIST

TELL TALE SIGNS YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO AT WORK

  • You’ve read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for this year.

  • You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

  • You’ve definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.

  • You decide to see how many Red Bulls you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

  • People come into your office frequently… to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

  • No longer content with merely photocopying your rear, you now scan it and enhance it with Photoshop.

  • The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Could eating less extend your life?  It seems to work for monkeys.

…A 20-year study of rhesus monkeys found cutting calories by almost a third slowed their aging and fended off death.  It backs up what scientists have long known about mice, worms and flies, that their lifespan can be extended by deep, long-term cuts in what should be normal consumption.  And the study found the monkeys didn’t just live longer, they were healthier. The calorie-cut monkeys had less than half the incidence of cancerous tumors or heart disease as the monkeys who ate normally. Brain scans showed less age-related shrinkage in the dieting monkeys. They also retained more muscle, something else that tends to waste with age.  The question for scientists now is whether that kind of calorie-cutting would have a similar effect on humans. ***MARLAR: So my choice is to live longer… or live not quite as long but still get my Milk Duds?

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

If you like drinking hot cocoa every day, don’t stop!  Drinking two cups of hot chocolate a day could help preserve your memory and keep your thinking skills sharp, according to researchers from Harvard Medical School in Boston, Massachusetts. Of the 60 participants, 18 had impaired blood flow to the brain at the start of the study. Those people had an 8.3 percent improvement in the blood flow to the working areas of the brain by the end of the study, while there was no improvement for those who started out with regular blood flow. The people with impaired blood flow also improved their times on a test of working memory, with scores dropping from 167 seconds at the beginning of the study to 116 seconds at the end. There was no change in times for people with regular blood flow. Half of the study participants received hot cocoa that was rich in the antioxidant Flavanol, while the other half received Flavanol-poor hot cocoa. There were no differences between the two groups in the results.

This story actually scared me a little bit because I know people this would apply to.  If you consume an energy drink more than once a day, listen up!  For three weeks, a Florida construction worker drank four or five energy drinks per day to help keep up with his intense workload. Then his body went crazy. Reporting in the British Medical Journal, the 50-year-old man started gulping down energy drinks on the job but suddenly began vomiting after about three weeks. Soon, his skin turned yellow, but it wasn’t the caffeine or even the sugar that was the problem. It turned out to be liver damage and a biopsy confirmed he had acute hepatitis, believed to have been brought on by high intake of vitamin B3, or niacin, found in his energy drink of choice. Just one actually contained 200% of the daily recommended dose! In safe quantities, niacin — also found in green vegetables, meat, and eggs — can improve cholesterol levels and liver function and lower cardiovascular risk. But it also wreaks havoc on the body if too much is consumed. Though the man’s daily intake of 160 to 200 milligrams was below the toxic level, the accumulation of niacin over three weeks was enough to do serious damage. Luckily, the guy recovered and was told to avoid similar niacin-rich products in the future. (British Medical Journal)

Snooze beats the blues. People who get six to nine hours of sleep a night are less likely to be depressed than those who get less sack time, according to new research. “These results are important because they provide more information about the importance of getting enough sleep,” which is usually six to nine hours a night,” says Dr. Charles Bae, neurologist at the renowned Cleveland Clinic Sleep Disorders Center in Ohio. “People may already expect that their quality of life could be decreased when they do not get enough sleep, but they may not realize sleeping too much can also have a negative impact.”

Getting along with your co-workers dramatically boosts your lifespan. A 20 year study concluded that workers who do not get along with their fellow employees on the job have a whopping 140 percent greater chance of dying over the next two decades than those who get plenty of social support. The study underlines the importance having friends and a good social life are to health. And since so much time is spent on the job, having a supportive social network at the office is a key to better health. “We spend most of our waking hours at work, and we don’t have much time to meet our friends during the weekdays,” explains study head Dr. Sharon Toker at Israel’s Tel Aviv University. “Work should be a place where people get the necessary emotional support.”

If your desk is messy and your boss looks bewildered, just say this: “People with untidy workspaces think outside the box.” It’s true. While neat desks are linked with many positive behaviors, such as generosity, a messy desk appears to promote creative thinking and new ideas, reports HealthDay News. The research found that those who worked in the tidy space were more likely to donate to the charity and choose an apple instead of a candy bar. That is, they did the “right” thing — the thing that was expected of them.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The end of the show already? My, how time flies when they make you clean the washrooms during the songs.

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself. — Peter da Silva

Correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer? — George Price

Pet sitting for the vacationing neighbors and their pet just died. Hope to replace it with a look-alike so they won’t blame me. Where do I go to buy a pet rock? – Darren Marlar

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things. – Jilly Cooper

“Fortunately, my parents were intelligent, enlightened people. They accepted me for what I was, a punishment from God.” — David Steinberg

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


APRIL 06, 2018…

You Were Really Here—This film is a thriller taken from the novella by Jonathan Ames.  It is about trying to find a young woman (Ekaterina Samsonod) who has been kidnapped and forced into the sex trade. A detective (Joaquin Phoenix) tries to find her. Someone is just one step ahead of Joaquin. Also in the cast is John Doman. “You Were Really Here” is rated R. No rating.

Blockers—A comedy, starring John Cena, and about parents who try to prevent their teen-age daughters from that first date of going all the way. The parents do a covert operation and follow the girls.  The cast includes Lesley Mann,  Kathryn Newton, Gary Cole and Gina Gershon. “Blockers” is rated PG-13 No rating.

A Quiet Place—John Krasinski stars, wrote, and directs this film that also has his wife, Emily Blunt, as one of the cast.  It is a combination thriller-/horror film about a family whose house is invaded by strangers that hunt by sound.  What to do and just how quiet can you keep, anyway? Also in the cast are Noah Jupe and Millicent Simmonds. “A Quiet Place” is rated R. No rating.

The Endless—A horror film with another actor, Justin Benson, who wrote/directs/and stars in his film. Not much information given, but other cast members include Aaron Moorhead, Callie Hernandez and Lew Temple. “The Endless” is rated R. No rating.

Paul: An Apostle (also called The Apostle Paul)—This film is opening slowly around the country. It stars James Faulkner (“Downton Abbey”) as Paul, and a great part of the film has Paul in prison during the time Nero is Emperor. Hence, the persecution of Christians and doubts within the new church as to what to do amid all the problems they are encountering. Jim Caviezel plays Luke, a physician here, and a friend of Paul, who attempts to help him in prison. Other characters include a Roman soldier and a sick child. The early church, had its problems, and how it managed to continue is thought-provoking. “Paul: An Apostle” is rated PG 13 for violence. Rating of 2.

APRIL 13, 2018…

 Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero is a real life canine hero of WWI and he is a Boston terrier. Human star is Logan Lerman.

The Rider is based on a true story of a professional rodeo rider who overcomes difficulties.

Miracle Season is based on the true story of the Iowa City West High School  Girls  Volleyball team. Stars Erin Moriarity.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.