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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I’ve looked all over for my Milk Duds box. I hope nobody threw it away — it has this month’s fan mail in it.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. — Ephesians 2:10
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive he crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. — James 1:12
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. — Philippians 4:6
Thought: Anxiety is worry over things which we cannot control and which we do not remove from our thoughts. Anxiety dominates and controls a passive mind and a troubled heart, filling both with doubt, fear, and dread. But, anxiety cannot be removed; it must be replaced. We remove our anxiety by giving our concerns an dworries to the Lord, trusting him to care for us. Then, as we give him thanks for what he has done and what he is doing in our lives, we replace those concerns and worries with a genuine sense of his presence. As a result, our confidence in his future for us can return.
Prayer: Father, I know you love me. You have done so much to bless and save me. I deliberately place the worries and concerns of my heart in your hands… (specifically mention the things that burden your heart today). Father, I also want to thank you for the many ways you have blessed me over my life… (specifically mention blessings you have received from God). Now, dear Father, please fill my heart with your Spirit and my mind with the sense of your presence and peace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
1 Chronicles 4:10 NIV = Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain. And God granted his request.
TODAY IS MONDAY – APRIL 10, 2017
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 258 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is PREVENT CRUELTY TO ANIMALS DAY. **And, if you’re talking scientifically, humans are animals too. So it could also be Prevent Cruelty To Humans Day. But that information is coming to you a bit late, because you’re already being tortured listening to this show.
EXPLORE YOUR CAREER OPTIONS WEEK begins today. ***Sponsored by my boss who uttered those words to me just yesterday.
Today is DUST THE CEILING FAN DAY. ***And you thought your spring-cleaning was done, didn’t you?
Today is GOLFERS DAY. ***Hit the ball… chase the ball… hit the ball… chase the ball… retrieve your clubs from the water hazard… no thank you.
Today is NATIONAL SIBLINGS DAY. ***It comes only once a year – which is just about right, as that’s about as often as siblings are capable of being nice to each other.
Today is CHILDREN’S DAY IN FLORIDA. ***The rest of the year Florida belongs to the senior citizens.
TODAY IS ALSO…
ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) Day
National Farm Animals Day
National Sibling Day
Salvation Army Founder’s Day
Safety Pin Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
TUESDAY, APRIL 11
Barbershop Quartet Day
Education and Sharing Day
International “Louie Louie” Day
National Pet Day
National Teach Children To Save Day
World Parkinson’s Disease Day
National Be Kind To Lawyers Day
National Library Workers Day
National Library Day
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 12
Belmont-Paul Women’s Equality Monument Day
D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything And Read)
Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day
International Day of Human Space Flight
International Day for Street Children
National Bookmobile Day
National Licorice Day
Walk on Your Wild Side Day
THURSDAY, APRIL 13
Make Lunch Count Day
Thomas Jefferson Day
Celebrate Teen Literature Day
FRIDAY, APRIL 14
American Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Children with Alopecia Day
International Moment of Laughter Day
National Dolphin Day
National Ex-Spouse Day
National Pecan Day
Pan American Day
Pathologists’ Assistant Day
World Marbles Day
SATURDAY, APRIL 15
Jackie Robinson Day
One Boston Day
Rubber Eraser Day
Take a Wild Guess Day
That Sucks Day
Record Store Day
World Art Day
Husband Appreciation Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 16
MONDAY, APRIL 17
Bat Appreciation Day
Blah! Blah! Blah! Day
Ellis Island Family History Day
Ford Mustang Day
International Haiku Poetry Day
Malbec World Day
Nothing Like A Dame Day
ON THIS DAY
1912: The RMS Titanic set sail from Southampton, England, on its ill-fated maiden voyage. (audio clip)
1933: Presbyterian minister Henry Van Dyke died at age 81. He wrote the book, The Story of the Other Wise Man, and the hymn “Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee.”
1956: Singer Nat “King” Cole was attacked and severely beaten by a group of racial segregationists while onstage at the Municipal Hall in Birmingham.
1957: In an episode called “Ricky the Drummer,” 16-year-old Ricky Nelson made his singing debut on his family’s TV show “The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet.” Rick sang “I’m Walking.”
1958: Dick Clark devoted an hour of his “American Bandstand” afternoon TV show to the memory of Chuck Willis who had died earlier in the day from peritonitis at age 30. Willis hits included: “C.C. Rider,” “Betty and Dupree,” and “What Am I Living For?”
1962: One of the original Beatles, Stu Sutcliffe, died of a brain tumor at age 22. He played bass, but left the group to study art. He created the group’s shaggy, brushed-forward hairstyles.
1967: Frank and Nancy Sinatra became the first father-daughter duet in history to hit #1 on Billboard’s pop chart, with the song “Somethin’ Stupid.”
1970: In a press release accompanying promotion copies of a new solo album, Paul McCartney stated he would no longer work with the Beatles. McCartney sued to dissolve the group on December 31, 1970. The formal dissolution came four years later.
1986: When a Salem, Oregon, movie theater offered half-price tickets to see “Young Sherlock Homes” to anyone dressed as a movie star, 400 costumed customers showed up. Unfortunately, the star dressed as Edward G. Robinson pulled a gun and robbed the box office.
1988: Thirteen cars, 13 pianos, and the rest of Liberace’s estate went on the auction block. One piano brought $42,500.
1990: Singer Sinead O’Connor’s album, “I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got,” sold a half-million copies in one day.
1993: Police in Charles City, Virginia, easily tracked an accused drug dealer after he bolted and ran into the woods late at night. He was wearing athletic shoes equipped with battery-operated flashing lights.
1999: The Miami Heat humiliated the Chicago Bulls, 82-49, holding the Bulls to the lowest NBA point total since the introduction of the shot clock.
1999: Women serving in the Danish army were furious when a male supply officer purchased brassieres, all the same size, for 500 women soldiers. The officer said the manufacturer claimed 34-C would fit 90% of Danish women. The women vehemently disagreed.
2000: Ken Griffey Jr. became the youngest player in baseball history to hit 400 home runs. He was 30 years, 141 days old.
2002: A 25-year-old Westport, New Zealand man facing charges of driving without a license had an auto accident on his way to court. He collided with the judge who was due to hear his case. No one was physically hurt. The case was rescheduled before a different judge.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1829: English evangelist William Booth, founder and first general of the Salvation Army, is born in Nottingham. In 1865, Booth and his wife, Catherine, set out to reach the desperate poor and unchurched by conducting open-air meetings with lively music; preaching in theaters, bars, and jails; and creating large-scale plans to relieve poverty. His organization launched what became one of the most successful religious revivals in the modern era.
HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actor (Secondhand Lions, Artificial Intelligence: A.I., The Sixth Sense “I see dead people.”) Haley Joel Osment 29
- singer/actress (A Walk To Remember, The Princess Diaries, Chasing Liberty, Saved) Mandy Moore 33
- actor-comedian (Runaway Jury, The Time Machine, Evolution, Bedazzled) Orlando Jones 49
- actor (Dragonslayer, Dr. Larry Fleinhardt in TV’s “Numb3rs,” John Cage on TV’s “Ally McBeal”) Peter MacNicol 63
- actor (Into the Sun, Out of Reach, Half Past Dead, Fire Down Below and a lot of other movies with three-word titles) Steven Seagal 64
- actor (Dr. Zhivago, The Thirteenth Warrior, TV’s “The Ten Commandments” mini-series) Omar Sharif 85
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1911 : Martin Denny
1921 : Sheb Wooley
1932 : Nate Nelson (The Flamingos)
1936 : Bobbie Smith (The Spinners)
1947 : Bunny Livingston (Bob Marley & The Wailers)
1950 : Eddie Hazel (Funkadelic)
1950 : Dave Peverett (Foghat, Savoy Brown)
1957 : Steve Gustafson (10,000 Maniacs)
1959 : Babyface
1960 : Afrika Bambaataa
1970 : Kenny Lattimore
1970 : Mike Mushok ( Staind)
1970 : Q-Tip
1975 : Chris “Ender” Carrabba (Dashboard Confessional)
1979 : Sophie Ellis-Bextor
1980 : Bryce Soderberg (Lifehouse)
1984 : Mandy Moore
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
How is the date for Easter determined each year?
There are two different formulas for Easter, since there are two Easters, in most years. The basic formula is: the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox (March 20, the first day of spring). This results in the holiday landing any time between March 22 and April 25. But there is another formula. In the Eastern Orthodox religion, the formula is: the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox after Jewish Passover. That is why the two Easters rarely coincide.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
A reminder from Mandisa: “I am a Jesus girl who can step on the scale and see the numbers as an indication of how much my body weighs, and not as an indication of my worth.”
A thought from Third Day’s David Carr: What if you gave yourself the freedom to eat whatever you wanted to today? No guilt/shame. Reverse psychology often has surprising results.
A question from Casting Crowns Megan Garrett: Are you truly southern if you don’t rush outside to move all your ferns from the covered porch to the yard when it’s raining?
This past weekend, Ellie Holcomb made her debut on the stage that she’s dreamed of performing on her entire life, Nashville’s famed Grand Ole Opry. Performing two songs from her current release Red Sea Road, she was introduced to the stage by long-time Opry members The Whites. Holcomb blogged about the experience on her website, sharing “I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve the night before because I was so excited for my Opry moment to come that I couldn’t fall asleep for the life of me! https://t.e2ma.net/share/inbound/t/fpdoic/fhz75d
The Afters Josh Havens was recently in Australia with his family and says he’s so glad they flew to the right Sydney. Josh shared a picture of a guy who accidentally flew to Sydney, Canada and added…Apparently it happens more often than you’d think
GREAT PHONER IDEA AS WELL – ASK LISTENERS TO FILL IN THE BLANK! During a recent trip to New York, the members of NeedtoBreathe spent some time talking with people about what HARDLOVE means to them. They posted: we heard some amazing stories and views on life, struggle, happiness and love. What came out of that is our new HARD LOVE is ________ series. To celebrate the launch, we wanted to share a video we made with the help of some hugely talented street performers. We asked them to learn and play their own version of HARD LOVE on the spot. https://www.facebook.com/NEEDTOBREATHE/videos/10155156761064813/
Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard is still waiting. He posted a picture of his wife at two days overdue, still living life too the fullest. She was spending time in the couples pool while waiting for the birth of their first child.
The Rend Collective Family is growing. The band posted a sonogram photo this week and added: Thankfully we have toured with Chris Tomlin so I’m prepared to be a good good father! Name suggestions welcome! https://www.instagram.com/p/BShMXvoBkJ8/
New music is finally available from Clay Crosse. The long time artist released Streets of Capernaum last week. The single, written by Crosse, is his first new music since the songs from the 2013 album titled “reDedication.” The song ponders Jesus’ possible nostalgia about the time he spent in Capernaum during the peak of his earthly ministry. http://dlvr.it/NpVYff
Natalie Grant is representing her industry. She posted a picture with her husband earlier this week and added: Headed to Capitol Hill to speak to law makers on behalf of music creators for Grammys On The Hill. I’m honored The Recording Academy thought I was knowledgeable enough to speak about copyright laws, but just incase, I’m really glad this super intelligent guy is coming with me because he makes me sound smarter. https://www.instagram.com/p/BSgjvrTBgNR/
(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
A man has celebrated his 105th birthday by becoming the world’s oldest person to ride a roller coaster. Jack Reynolds said he was “amazed” by his first ride in 80 years. He celebrated his milestone birthday on the Twistosaurus attraction at North Yorkshire’s Flamingo Land theme park before being presented with his official framed Guinness World Record certificate. ***It took a while to finally get his photo though, he lost his toupee and teeth during the ride.
A new Yale study claims that drinking a glass of wine works out our brain more than anything else we consume. ***The wine workout. Up next… Wine Zumba!
A coal-mining museum in the heart of coal country is turning to solar power in an effort to save money and help the surrounding community. ***This is going to put environmentalists in quite the predicament. They’re using solar power, which environmentalists want… but they’re a coal-mining company, which environmentalists despise. This should be interesting to watch.
Oreos just launched a new limited edition flavor called “Cookies & Creme.” ***Wait… so Oreo-flavored Oreo’s?
A Writers Guild strike is looming and if things aren’t settled, the writers will walk May 2nd. The biggest impact: all the late-night shows, from Kimmel to Fallon and everyone in-between, along with SNL, would be shut down. ***So it might actually improve the quality of television viewing.
While Beyonce famously said: “If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it,” she never really addressed how said ring should be paid for. Well 30-year-old William Oliver of Atlanta has come up with a rather novel approach for financing the $15,000 engagement ring he wants to buy for his girlfriend – a GoFundMe page. Oliver says he was inspired to make a big show of his love for his girlfriend after she bought him 30 gifts for his 30th birthday. So why then isn’t he using his own money? Oliver says crowdfunding is a chance to “let everybody who loves us show us.” That way he can buy a ring that “WE ALL can be proud of.” Not everyone’s real happy about this. Many on social media say the whole idea is ridiculous and the Macon Telegraph points out that the average engagement ring in 2016 cost $6,163 – less than half what Oliver is proposing (lame pun intended). But it doesn’t look like it’s working anyway – despite being shared more than 12,000 times since March 28, Oliver’s GoFundMe page has raised less than $600.
Comedian Don Rickles died of kidney failure on Thursday at his home in Los Angeles. He was 90. ***Thanks for the laughs, you hockey puck!
Last week police in Fresno, California, shared information on an unknown woman who’s claiming to be a mermaid. She goes by the name Joanna. Police say when they found her, her hair was wet, she was “mostly naked” and had been in the water. Investigators also noted that she had “webbed toes on both feet.” They’re currently looking for her family. ***I’d do a search for “King Triton” and see if he knows where his daughter is.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Doctors are increasingly diagnosing ailments related to smartphones & tablets, like “text claw” and “iPosture”. ***People might take the problem more seriously if those conditions didn’t sound like fighting stances from “The Karate Kid”.
Male boss, or female? Which do you prefer? A survey from Gallup gives the edge to men, 32 to 22 percent. ***The remaining 46 percent of respondents were women who punched out the researchers.
Wildlife experts report that gorillas living in Rwanda have learned on their own how to dismantle traps set by poachers. ***Not only that, but they then teach other gorillas by posting videos of how to do it on YouTube.
There’s a new trend towards what’s sometimes known as “soap-dodging”. Among those who have cut down on daily showers, baths or hair-washing were a woman who swipes a sliced lemon under her armpits instead of deodorant, another who uses baby wipes to freshen up, and a salesman who shampoos only once a month. ***Is this an attempt to be more “green” – because I’m pretty sure not showering actually adds to air pollution.
We keep hearing about the health benefits from wine, but did you know that almost 10% of women say wine makes them itch? It’s called wine intolerance, and the allergy-like symptoms come mostly from a glass of red wine. The most common reactions include having nasal congestion, fleeing flushed, or feeling itchy. ***Women also reported that too drinking wine also brought unwanted advances by men itching to buy them more.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals were on the lookout for the perfect picnic spot so they could have the perfect picnic. They’ve already passed some great places, and everyone wanted to stop and have their picnic… but Gruffy still isn’t satisfied, and is insisting they move on!
CLOSE: Is he kidding?!?! There can’t possibly be a better spot than that – and everyone is hungry and tired! What more does Gruffy want? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Think you hate dealing with cell phones? You can’t hate them near as much as Avon!
In Britain, Avon did an “Avon Calling” promotion that backfired big-time. They offered a free mobile phone to anyone buying over $27 (US) worth of skin cream. They expected 60,000 takers. Instead, they got about 750,000. They couldn’t get enough phones and were flooded with complaints. They’re now sending out vouchers good for a phone when the stock comes back in. An Avon spokeswoman called it “a learning experience for us,” noting that the offer did say “subject to availability.” ***MARLAR: They’re hoping the cream smoothes things over.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY JESUS IS WAY BETTER THAN THE EASTER BUNNY
10. The Easter Bunny has big feet and a furry tail. Jesus did a big feat with wood and nails!
9. The Easter Bunny proves you can have too much of a good thing (chocolate). Jesus proves you can’t have too much of a God thing!
8. No one ever got sick of an over consumption of grace, mercy and forgiveness.
7. What would you rather have–dirty hands, or a clean heart?
6. The phrase, “He who has floppy ears, let him hear…” just doesn’t cut it!
5. Rabbits eat their fill from our gardens. Jesus said, “Not my will…” in the garden.
4. What would you rather do… gain weight, or gain salvation?
3. Plastic eggs have a toy inside. The empty tomb means joy inside!
2. The Easter Bunny hides stuff, but Jesus brings all things to light! “He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts.”(2 Corinthians 4:5)
1. “Rabbits twitch their nose; but Jesus arose!
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Is there ever a legitimate reason to park in a no-parking zone? Not according to one police officer.
FILE #1: A British traffic cop swooped down on Sue Butcher recently, giving her a $72 parking fine. Her offense? She’d pulled her car over to the side of the road in a no-parking zone. However, she did so only for a couple of minutes… in order to tend to her asthmatic four-year-old son who had stopped breathing. Despite explaining to the officer what was happening, he still refused to back down. But we’re not done yet… the woman took her pleas to the city council – and they refused to tear up the ticket… that is, until the case got some attention in the media. The council then scolded the officer saying he was “over-zealous.” Well… it takes one to know one.
FILE #2: How exactly does someone get away with this unnoticed? Police in Virginia, Minnesota are looking for someone who stole an ATM from the Virginia Regional Medical Center. The ATM had an undetermined amount of money inside and it was stolen from the medical center’s main lobby. What’s worse is the criminal, apparently maximizing the resources at hand, used a wheelchair to cart the thing off! So far — no arrests or clues!
FILE #3: Three Rhode Island men have been arrested after a brawl over a plastic chair worth about $12 that none of the men owned. Several of those involved in the brawl fell off a dock into the harbor, and three men took off in a boat when police arrived on the scene. They were forced to swim to shore after hitting a rock and taking on water
STRANGE LAW: In the state of California, it is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Sometimes people are so incredibly dumb that they really shouldn’t even be on this show… but I just can’t resist this one.
A Kansas man got a wire coat hanger stuck in his throat. Just that sentence right there bears repeating. A Kansas man got a wire coat hanger stuck in his throat. Now – what on earth was he doing with a coat hanger down his throat, you might ask? Good question… but the answer is just as insane. He got the coat hanger stuck in his throat as he was trying to remove a balloon that he’d swallowed. Yeah – he swallowed a balloon. I’ll pause yet again. It gets better… the balloon was filled with cocaine. Okay… so why is this genius swallowing cocaine filled balloons? Well, get this. He says it was an accident. His excuse is that someone put the balloon in his drink at a party and he accidentally swallowed it. Right – like the guy didn’t notice a large piece of rubber filled with white powder floating in his drink. Even if you didn’t notice it in the drink, don’t you think your brain would indicate that something was odd when the texture of what’s in your mouth suddenly changes from wet and wonderful to the taste of an old inner-tube?!? Anyway, the man needed emergency surgery to remove both the hangar as well as the balloon. Police say he could face possession charges. That sounds like perhaps the cops don’t buy his story any more than we do.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done on a dare? (audio clip)
What do your friends and family love, and insist that you should also love… but you absolutely hate? (For me, it’s Doctor Who, and any movie with Adam Sandler.)
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Nicodemus put how many pounds of myrrh and aloes on the body of Jesus?
ANSWER: One Hundred pounds. (John 19:39 = And there came also Nicodemus, which at the first came to Jesus by night, and brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about an hundred pound weight.)
QUESTION: How long is Three-Mile Island?
ANSWER: Three Mile Island is only 2.5 miles long
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. The General Lee cars used in the popular show The Dukes of Hazards were 1973 Dodge Chargers. (False – 1969 Dodge Chargers) (audio clip)
2. The name of the hotel on the popular children’s T.V. show Sesame Street is “The Henson Cafe”. (False – “The Furry Arms”) (audio clip)
3. In 1968, a man played with a yo-yo while testifying in Congress and was found in contempt. (True – Abbie Hoffman)
4. In the United Kingdom, three million people play bingo every year. (True)
5. Namco, who are the manufacturers of Pac Man the video game, has estimated that the original arcade game has been played over 10 billion times by individuals. (True) (audio clip)
6. Tohru Iwatani, the inventor of the video game Pac-Man, came up with the idea when he saw a pizza with a slice missing at a dinner party. (True)
7. It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Illinois in that state. (False – but it’s the law in Arkansas!)
8. Golf was banned in England in 1457. (True – because it was considered a distraction from the serious pursuit of archery.)
9. The short-term memory capacity for most people is between five and nine items or digits. (True. This is one reason that phone numbers were kept to seven digits for so long.)
10. Before 1859, baseball umpires were seated in padded chairs behind home plate. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
___________ WASHES ASHORE (SEA MONSTER)
A crazy sea monster washed ashore!
South Carolina believes they are dealing with a whole different kind of sea monster. An alarmingly large and strange-looking body of some kind of aquatic creature washed up on the coastal state’s Folly Beach.
Not knowing what the corpse could be, locals started claiming it was some kind of unknown sea monster. A South Carolina aquarium vet quickly dispelled this belief, identifying the freaky fish as a very large sturgeon. Several species of sturgeon are native to North America, with the Atlantic sturgeon being the type found in the South Carolina area. All species of this swimmer are known to grow to massive sizes. The Atlantic Sturgeon usually grows to be around 10 feet long and 300 pounds, but can grow to be as big as 15 feet long and 800 pounds.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good … mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”
Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.”
Three-year-old Charlotte received a certificate of achievement following her last swimming class. When Mary’s husband came home from work that evening, Mary handed him the cherished award.
“Charlotte, would you like to tell your daddy what this is?” Mark asked.
Charlotte thought for a moment. “Daddy,” she exclaimed in her proudest, most confident voice, “this is my terrificate!”
The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.
He’s tan. He’s cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
Physicists at two colleges in Massachusetts say they’ve developed a technique that allows them to bring particles of light to a screeching halt. ***Which we already know how to do in (YOUR CITY) by opening the light bill.
Fredric Baur invented the Pringles can. When he passed away in 2008, his ashes were buried in one.
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
“Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” he asked.
“No, thanks,” replied one of the vultures. “They’re carrion.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
The three words, “That’s so gay,” have landed a California high school girl in the principal’s office.
It was Rebekah Rice’s comeback when a few classmates razzed her about her Mormon upbringing with questions like, “Do you have ten moms?” That’s when she replied, “That’s so gay.” There’s now a lawsuit. The teen’s parents say the high school violated her free speech rights when they came down on her for using a phrase common in youth culture. The school has a policy against the putdown, triggered in part from the beating of a gay student. But Rice says it’s stupid to believe she was referring to anyone’s sexual orientation. In recent years, gay rights advocates and educators have tried teaching students that it’s hurtful to use the word “gay” as an all-purpose term for something disagreeable. ***MARLAR: It’s also hurtful for people to make fun of you or your religious beliefs. Why are we not hearing anything about that?
TREASURES THAT CAN’T BE STOLEN
A thief made off with a lot of my worldly goods, but not the things that mattered most.
By Jennifer Haupt
A few months ago, I was on a business trip and checked my cell phone for messages in between my morning and afternoon meetings. There was one message, the one you never want to hear: “Honey, it’s me,” said my husband Eric, trying to sound nonchalant and doing a horrible job. “Call me as soon as you can. It’s important.”
It’s important. Those words rang in my head as I dashed off to my next meeting, no time to call Eric back until hours later. By that time, I was panicked with the possibilities. ”What’s wrong? Is someone hurt? Are the boys OK?” I fired into the phone when Eric picked up. When he told me we’d been robbed, a wave of relief flooded through me. As I walked back to my hotel that evening, I gave thanks that everything with real value to me was still waiting for me at home.
The thief had worked fast, filling a laundry basket with what he could carry: cameras and loose cash from my oldest son’s room; a small TV, a video camera, an iPod from the kitchen; some old coins and the jewelry box from my dresser. There was only one item I really felt sad about losing: a cocktail ring of my great-grandmother’s, a modest sapphire surrounded by diamond chips, set in delicate silver. I hadn’t taken this heirloom out of its box for years, and I’d never worn it because it was a size too small. I had no idea what it was worth and that night when I returned to my hotel, I called my mom to ask about it.
Our conversation turned to the great-grandmother whom I knew so little about. My mom started telling me stories of the grandmother she lived with during her childhood, in a small apartment over a deli that was my great-grandfather’s sole investment and which pulled the entire family through the Depression.
I remembered the delectable cheesecakes of my childhood that my mom’s Uncle Milt used to send every Christmas cross-country from that very same deli. I thought how ironic it was that the thief who took my keepsakes had actually given me the opportunity to stash away all of these family memories.
Months later when the insurance check arrived, I realized that no amount of money could replace the sentiment that those tiny diamond chips held. So instead of buying a new ring, I decided to spend the money on a trip to visit my parents. I also bought a new notebook and a tape recorder; I had a million questions I wanted to ask my mom and dad about their parents, uncles, aunts, and all of the other relatives I knew so little about.
Memories. These are the real family jewels that nobody can steal from you. And yet, so often these precious gems slip away with time, never to be recovered.
During the three-hour flight, as I thought of more and questions to ask my folks, I smiled and raised my complimentary juice glass to the mystery thief who had given me such a wonderful gift.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Read: Mark 2:1-12
When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic, “Son, your sins are forgiven you.” —Mark 2:5
A young cowboy with no regard for God traveled to San Francisco and began a life of revelry, spending the money he had earned while working on the range. One night he staggered to his hotel room and slept until late the next day. When he awoke, he saw a small book on a nightstand near his bed and picked it up. It was the gospel of Mark. Disgusted, he threw it on the floor.
That evening, the book had once again been laid beside the bed. When he saw it in the same place the third day, he decided to read it. He found the book so interesting he couldn’t lay it aside. He later testified, “I learned that the Son of God said to a paralyzed man, ‘Your sins are forgiven you,’ and praised a poor widow for giving her last two coins. I was impressed when Jesus took little children in His arms and blessed them. And then, in spite of the unjust way He was treated, He went to the cross to save sinners. When I read why He died, I saw my own guilt and found peace in believing.” From that day forward, that cowboy became a different man and spent many years giving copies of the book of Mark to others.
We too must reach as many as possible with the convicting Word. The gospel is truly powerful. —Henry Bosch
O what joy awaits you, sinner,
When you heed Christ’s “Come to Me.”
To each seeking soul He whispers,
“I have now forgiven thee!” —Bosch
The gospel is sent to break hard hearts and to heal broken ones.
Ever met the REAL Mr. and Mrs. America? Even stranger – they aren’t Americans.
After visiting New York, a couple from Manchester, England, loved the United States of America so much they have named themselves after us. Their names are now Bob and Jolene America. Originally, their names were Paul and Lindsey, but they wanted to sound like Americans, so now it’s Bob and Jolene America. They love America so much, they even insist friends call them by their new names in an American accent. To further “Americanize” themselves, they drive a white Cadillac and have decorated their home with American flags and pictures of Elvis. Their dream is to someday move to America.
LIFE… LIVE IT
IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER
Wouldn’t life be easier if it would run like a computer?
…Instead of going to the gym, you could get your daily exercise simply by clicking on RUN! To add or remove someone in your life, you could just click SETTINGS and CONTROL PANEL. Looking pretty lousy one day? Adjust your DISPLAY SETTINGS. If the kids are making too much noise you could turn off the speakers. Lose your car keys? Click on FIND. Need to make some tough decisions regarding finances or relationships? No problem, click on HELP. We could click on SEND NOW and a pizza would be on its way. And finally, when all else fails and you see no way of cleaning up your life, start over by pressing CTRL+ALT+DELETE!
JUST FOR FUN
Looking for great bargains? Forget eBay – check out the police department!
If you’re looking for a bargain on jewelry, artwork, vehicles, electronics and whatever else, you may want to skip eBay and talk to the police. A website called PropertyRoom.com auctions off unclaimed items from police department evidence rooms with most bids starting at $1. Their first auction was held in January 2001 and has grown to where they now have items from more than 1,000 police departments. It also helps out the police departments because they get a piece of the action and don’t have to devote man hours to selling it themselves.
TOP FIVE REASONS AN ELEPHANT COULD NEVER BE PRESIDENT
Trunk always in the way at state dinners
Prime minister of India always wants to sit on his back
During state of the union speech, is distracted by mouse
Constant peanut breath
Even if he was a Democrat, he’d still look like a Republican
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
GARAGE SALE SEASON IS UPON US!
From organization expert, Emilie Barnes-suggestions for successful garage sales.
Set your date-Saturday is usually best. Advertise the time and location in the local paper – but don’t list your phone number.
Make signs-Use brightly colored poster board, print in large letters “Garage Sale,” the date, time, and address. Post in prominent areas (using your own stakes). Remember to take these down after the sale.
Get your sale items together-Start collecting items weeks in advance. Get rid of everything you really don’t use: old books, clothes, videos, kitchen gadgets. You may want to invite neighbors to join your sale. The more items you have the more people you will draw.
Organize your items-Display items in categories: toys in one area, books in another, etc. Have an extension cord available to show that electric items work.
Set your prices-Keep your prices down. Remember, you want to get rid of items. Show prices on cardboard in each area – for example, “books $1.00.” Set prices in increments of 50 cents. It’s easier to make change. Use colored stickers with each seller’s name, so you can track who sold what. Designate one person as cashier, so all money goes only through that person. Make up some boxes of misc items, especially kids items, marked 10 cents, and 25 cents. Kids love to buy things too! When it’s over, don’t bring anything that didn’t sell back into the house or garage. Donate it to a charity.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
A new mobile app helps the visually impaired identify their surroundings. The app scans an item’s shape and pattern and then identifies it to the person holding the phone. It recognizes 1,000 every day items without connecting to the internet. https://twitter.com/thisisinsider/status/845742111169294336/video/
In July 2006, Lt. Dan Miller, of Lake County Fire Rescue, in Florida, got a call from a woman that said she was going to drop off a baby. Nearly 11 years later, Miller, now a chief, recently came face-to-face with the girl he helped rescue for the first time after naming a fire truck in her honor. http://abcn.ws/2p1LTv0
Charlie Daniel’s has proposed cities become “a sanctuary for the unborn.” “How about some cities declaring themselves a sanctuary for the unborn and refuse to abide by the federal laws allowing abortion,” Daniel’s tweeted Thursday. The 80-year-old’s tweet was in response to several large cities across the country’s decision to shield illegal immigrants from deportation. http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2017/03/31/charlie-daniels-calls-for-sanctuary-cities-for-unborn.html
World Vision is asking supporters to run or walk 6 kilometers on May 6. The organization shared that 6K is the average distance that people in the developing world walk for water — water that is often contaminated with life-threatening diseases. On Saturday, May 6th, 2017, people from around the globe will walk or run an average distance for an extraordinary cause. Each participant’s registration of $50 goes to World Vision’s Water Initiatives.
Hey, if your kid racked up purchases in the Amazon Appstore without your permission between 2011 and 2016, the company might owe you some money. The Federal Trade Commission and Amazon settled on a deal this week where Amazon will pay around $70 million to parents whose children made in-app purchases without their consent. As part of the deal Amazon also drops its appeal against a court ruling that found it hadn’t done enough to make sure parents gave their permission for purchases made in apps like freemium games. The FTC has already reached similar settlements with Apple and Google for failing to provide enough parental control over such purchases. Thomas Pahl, chief of the FTC’s Bureau of Consumer Protection said, “This case demonstrates what should be a bedrock principle for all companies — you must get customers’ consent before you charge them.” When Amazon first launched its Appstore, it didn’t require passwords for the in-app purchases that feature in many games designed for children. On particularly extreme example is the Ice Age Village game which offered a $99.99 in-app purchase. The FTC says more details on the refund program will be announced soon. (NBC News)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
If they ever perfect time travel, the first thing I’ll do is travel back to last Monday and change my maximum bid on eBay for that “Alvin and the Chipmunks” CD box set. –Steiner Sellers
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 07, 2017…
Smurfs: The Lost Village–Yes, your friends are back in their second animated movie. This time, Smurfette (voice of Demi Lovato) is told to take friends, leave the forest and hunt for the Lost Village, before the evil Wizard gets there. The chase is on. Voices of Ariel Winter, Julia Roberts, Michelle Rodriguez, Mandy Patinkin and Rainn Wilson. “Smurfs: The Lost Village” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.
Going In Style—Three people have remained pals for years and years. A certain bank has managed to take their money and they want it back, so plan something special. Stars are Morgan Freeman, Joey King, Christopher Lloyd and Ann-Margaret. “Going In Style” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
The Case For Christ—Based on a true story, a journalist (Mike Vogel) who is also an atheist decides to research Christ, as Mike’s wife is now a Christian. This film is a comedy/drama and also stars Faye Dunaway, Robert Forster and Frankie Faison.. The journalist finds unexpected information. “The Case For Christ” is rated PG. Rating of 2.
Wonder—This film is the story of a young boy who has a facial deformity. It is time for a new school and he has to gather courage to meet everyone there, plus give them a lesson in life. Julie Roberts is the mother while Jacob Tremblay is the little boy and Mandy Patinkin is the grandfather. Colin Wilson is also in the cast. “Wonder” is rated PG. Rating of 2.
Colossal—And you thought it was bad when you had a headache? In this film, Anne Hathaway is the woman with the headaches and when she has them, catastrophe’s happen around the world. Also in the cast are Dan Stevens (yes, the one from “Downton Abbey” and “Beauty and the Beast”) and Tim Blake Nelson. “Colossal” is rated R. No rating.
APRIL 14, 2017…
Fate Of The Furious, No. 8 and here goes Vin Diesel and his gang against the bad guys in Cuba and even along the Barents Sea. Fasten seat belts.
Gifted is a film about raising a child prodigy with parents and teachers sometimes at odds. Stars Olivia Spencer and Chris Evans.
Spark: A Space Tail is an animated film about saving a planet from an evil warlord. Some familiar? Voices of Patrick Stewart and Jessica Biel.
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