April 10, 2018: Tuesday ONAIRprep

ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.

Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at darren@marlarhouse.com to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!

**********
PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180410
PDF: 20180410

**********

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’ve looked all over for my Milk Duds box. I hope nobody threw it away — it has this month’s fan mail in it.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Being a president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There’s nothing to do but stand there and take it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. — Ephesians 2:10

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive he crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. — James 1:12

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. — Philippians 4:6

Thought: Anxiety is worry over things which we cannot control and which we do not remove from our thoughts. Anxiety dominates and controls a passive mind and a troubled heart, filling both with doubt, fear, and dread. But, anxiety cannot be removed; it must be replaced. We remove our anxiety by giving our concerns an dworries to the Lord, trusting him to care for us. Then, as we give him thanks for what he has done and what he is doing in our lives, we replace those concerns and worries with a genuine sense of his presence. As a result, our confidence in his future for us can return.

Prayer: Father, I know you love me. You have done so much to bless and save me. I deliberately place the worries and concerns of my heart in your hands… (specifically mention the things that burden your heart today). Father, I also want to thank you for the many ways you have blessed me over my life… (specifically mention blessings you have received from God). Now, dear Father, please fill my heart with your Spirit and my mind with the sense of your presence and peace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Chronicles 4:10 NIV = Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain. And God granted his request.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – APRIL 10, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
258 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is PREVENT CRUELTY TO ANIMALS DAY. ***And, if you’re talking scientifically, humans are animals too. So it could also be Prevent Cruelty To Humans Day. But that information is coming to you a bit late, because you’re already being tortured listening to this show.

EXPLORE YOUR CAREER OPTIONS WEEK begins today.  ***Sponsored by my boss who uttered those words to me just yesterday.

Today is DUST THE CEILING FAN DAY. ***And you thought your spring-cleaning was done, didn’t you?

Today is GOLFERS DAY. ***Hit the ball… chase the ball… hit the ball… chase the ball… retrieve your clubs from the water hazard… no thank you.

Today is NATIONAL SIBLINGS DAY. ***It comes only once a year – which is just about right, as that’s about as often as siblings are capable of being nice to each other.

Today is CHILDREN’S DAY IN FLORIDA. ***The rest of the year Florida belongs to the senior citizens.

TODAY IS ALSO…

ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) Day
Equal Pay Day
Free Cone Day (Ben & Jerrys)
National Be Kind To Lawyers Day
National Farm Animals Day
National Library Workers Day
National Library Day
National Sibling Day

Salvation Army Founder’s Day
Safety Pin Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11

Barbershop Quartet Day
International “Louie Louie” Day
National Bookmobile Day
National Pet Day
National Teach Children To Save Day
Submarine Day
World Parkinson’s Disease Day

THURSDAY, APRIL 12

Belmont-Paul Women’s Equality Monument Day
Celebrate Teen Literature Day
D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything And Read)
Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day
International Day of Human Space Flight
International Day for Street Children
National Licorice Day
Walk on Your Wild Side Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 13

American Immigration Lawyers Association Day of Action
Blame Someone Else Day
National Donate Life (Blue and Green) Day
Make Lunch Count Day
Scrabble Day
Thomas Jefferson Day

SATURDAY, APRIL 14

American Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Baby Massage Day
Children with Alopecia Day
Dictionary Day
Global Day to End Child Sexual Abuse
International Moment of Laughter Day
National Dolphin Day
National Ex-Spouse Day
National Gardening Day
National Pecan Day
Pan American Day
Pathologists’ Assistant Day
Slow Art Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 15

Jackie Robinson Day
McDonald’s Day
One Boston Day
Rubber Eraser Day
Take a Wild Guess Day
That Sucks Day
World Art Day

MONDAY APRIL 16

Boston Marathon
Emancipation Day
Foursquare Day
National Bean Counter Day
National Health Care Decisions Day
National Orchid Day
Save The Elephant Day

TUESDAY, APRIL 17

Bat Appreciation Day
Blah! Blah! Blah! Day
Ellis Island Family History Day
Ford Mustang Day
Herbalist Day
Income Tax Pay Day
International Haiku Poetry Day
Malbec World Day
National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day
Nothing Like A Dame Day
World Hemophilia Day

ON THIS DAY

1912: The RMS Titanic set sail from Southampton, England, on its ill-fated maiden voyage. (audio clip)

1933: Presbyterian minister Henry Van Dyke died at age 81. He wrote the book, The Story of the Other Wise Man, and the hymn “Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee.”

1956: Singer Nat “King” Cole was attacked and severely beaten by a group of racial segregationists while onstage at the Municipal Hall in Birmingham.

1957: In an episode called “Ricky the Drummer,” 16-year-old Ricky Nelson made his singing debut on his family’s TV show “The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet.” Rick sang “I’m Walking.”

1958: Dick Clark devoted an hour of his “American Bandstand” afternoon TV show to the memory of Chuck Willis who had died earlier in the day from peritonitis at age 30. Willis hits included: “C.C. Rider,” “Betty and Dupree,” and “What Am I Living For?”

1962: One of the original Beatles, Stu Sutcliffe, died of a brain tumor at age 22. He played bass, but left the group to study art. He created the group’s shaggy, brushed-forward hairstyles.

1967: Frank and Nancy Sinatra became the first father-daughter duet in history to hit #1 on Billboard’s pop chart, with the song “Somethin’ Stupid.”

1970: In a press release accompanying promotion copies of a new solo album, Paul McCartney stated he would no longer work with the Beatles. McCartney sued to dissolve the group on December 31, 1970. The formal dissolution came four years later.

1986: When a Salem, Oregon, movie theater offered half-price tickets to see “Young Sherlock Homes” to anyone dressed as a movie star, 400 costumed customers showed up. Unfortunately, the star dressed as Edward G. Robinson pulled a gun and robbed the box office.

1988: Thirteen cars, 13 pianos, and the rest of Liberace’s estate went on the auction block. One piano brought $42,500.

1990: Singer Sinead O’Connor’s album, “I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got,” sold a half-million copies in one day.

1993: Police in Charles City, Virginia, easily tracked an accused drug dealer after he bolted and ran into the woods late at night. He was wearing athletic shoes equipped with battery-operated flashing lights.

1999: The Miami Heat humiliated the Chicago Bulls, 82-49, holding the Bulls to the lowest NBA point total since the introduction of the shot clock.

1999: Women serving in the Danish army were furious when a male supply officer purchased brassieres, all the same size, for 500 women soldiers. The officer said the manufacturer claimed 34-C would fit 90% of Danish women. The women vehemently disagreed.

2000: Ken Griffey Jr. became the youngest player in baseball history to hit 400 home runs. He was 30 years, 141 days old.

2002: A 25-year-old Westport, New Zealand man facing charges of driving without a license had an auto accident on his way to court. He collided with the judge who was due to hear his case. No one was physically hurt. The case was rescheduled before a different judge.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1829: English evangelist William Booth, founder and first general of the Salvation Army, is born in Nottingham. In 1865, Booth and his wife, Catherine, set out to reach the desperate poor and unchurched by conducting open-air meetings with lively music; preaching in theaters, bars, and jails; and creating large-scale plans to relieve poverty. His organization launched what became one of the most successful religious revivals in the modern era.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Secondhand Lions, Artificial Intelligence: A.I., The Sixth Sense “I see dead people.”) Haley Joel Osment 30
  • singer/actress (A Walk To Remember, The Princess Diaries, Chasing Liberty, Saved) Mandy Moore 34
  • actor-comedian (Runaway Jury, The Time Machine, Evolution, Bedazzled) Orlando Jones 50
  • actor (Dragonslayer, Dr. Larry Fleinhardt in TV’s “Numb3rs,” John Cage on TV’s “Ally McBeal”) Peter MacNicol 64
  • actor (Into the Sun, Out of Reach, Half Past Dead, Fire Down Below and a lot of other movies with three-word titles) Steven Seagal 66
  • actor (Dr. Zhivago, The Thirteenth Warrior, TV’s “The Ten Commandments” mini-series) Omar Sharif 86

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1911 : Martin Denny

1921 : Sheb Wooley

1932 : Nate Nelson (The Flamingos)

1936 : Bobbie Smith (The Spinners)

1947 : Bunny Livingston (Bob Marley & The Wailers)

1948 : Fred Smith (Blondie, Television)

1950 : Eddie Hazel (Funkadelic)

1950 : Dave Peverett (Foghat, Savoy Brown)

1957 : Steve Gustafson (10,000 Maniacs)

1959 : Babyface

1960 : Afrika Bambaataa

1970 : Kenny Lattimore

1970 : Mike Mushok ( Staind)

1970 : Q-Tip

1975 : Chris “Ender” Carrabba (Dashboard Confessional)

1979 : Sophie Ellis-Bextor

1980 : Bryce Soderberg (Lifehouse)

1984 : Mandy Moore

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

How is the date for Easter determined each year?
There are two different formulas for Easter, since there are two Easters, in most years. The basic formula is: the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox (March 20, the first day of spring). This results in the holiday landing any time between March 22 and April 25. But there is another formula. In the Eastern Orthodox religion, the formula is: the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox after Jewish Passover. That is why the two Easters rarely coincide.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

*****NOTE: THIS FEATURE WILL BE TAKING A BREAK FROM MARCH 31 THRU APRL 16. IT WILL RETURN TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2018.*****

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A poll by Harris Online found that Americans have a wide range of religious beliefs. Not surprisingly, 90 percent believe in God, while 84 percent believe in miracles. Over 70 percent believe in angels, 69 percent believe in Hell and 68 percent believe in the devil. 51 percent believe in ghosts, about 33 percent believe in UFOs and witches, 31 percent believe in astrology, 27 percent believe in reincarnation, and somehow, despite 90 percent believing in God, 42 percent also believe in Darwin’s theory of evolution. ***What I think is strange is that 90 percent believe in God, but only 84 percent believe in miracles. So does that mean six percent believe God is a slacker?

The hottest new wedding activity is to trash the wedding dress after the ceremony. Yes, that dress that likely cost several hundred dollars. The most popular way so far to “trash the dress” is for the groom to use it as a paintball target with the bride still in it. ***That’s good, let’s just kick off the marriage with a good ole round of domestic violence.

Can singing take away your pain? Doctors in Australia hope so. As part of a new pain-management program, doctors at Royal North Shore Hospital in Sydney have been prescribing three half-hour singing sessions a week for three weeks. The program involves patients suffering from long-term and incurable pain such as back injuries and arthritis. So far, doctors claim that singing made people fell less tense, less tired and more vigorous for a week after one half-hour session. ***And if after that time it still doesn’t work, the doctors stop singing and ask you to do so instead. (Soon you’ll be hearing your doctor, “Sing four show tunes and call me in the morning”.)

Stanford University reports that child-like reasoning is how fish determine their social pecking order. ***They reached this conclusion after observing which fish sat at the “cool table” in the cafeteria.

A British safari park is asking visitors to stop wearing animal prints. It confuses the animals. ***For five hours a woman was stalked by a zebra trying to get her cell phone number.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were scared after finding what appeared to be five giant footprints from an unknown creature! They all began thinking it was a terrible, nasty, filthy, dangerous creature – maybe even a creature who’s favorite food is MONKEYS!

CLOSE: Wow… an “everything must go” sale! Brilliant! It’s going to be a lot easier to run away from a terrifying giant-footed monster if you don’t have to carry all your belongings with you while you’re running! Come to think of it… you can advertise here on the radio station. Just call 555/555-1212… ask for (local Sales Manager)… and we’ll get you started! Oh yeah… and tune in next time, for As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Think you hate dealing with cell phones?  You can’t hate them near as much as Avon!

In Britain, Avon did an “Avon Calling” promotion that backfired big-time. They offered a free mobile phone to anyone buying over $27 (US) worth of skin cream. They expected 60,000 takers. Instead, they got about 750,000. They couldn’t get enough phones and were flooded with complaints. They’re now sending out vouchers good for a phone when the stock comes back in. An Avon spokeswoman called it “a learning experience for us,” noting that the offer did say “subject to availability.”  ***MARLAR: They’re hoping the cream smoothes things over.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS WHY JESUS IS WAY BETTER THAN THE EASTER BUNNY

10. The Easter Bunny has big feet and a furry tail. Jesus did a big feat with wood and nails!

9. The Easter Bunny proves you can have too much of a good thing (chocolate). Jesus proves you can’t have too much of a God thing!

8. No one ever got sick of an over consumption of grace, mercy and forgiveness.

7. What would you rather have–dirty hands, or a clean heart?

6. The phrase, “He who has floppy ears, let him hear…” just doesn’t cut it!

5. Rabbits eat their fill from our gardens. Jesus said, “Not my will…” in the garden.

4. What would you rather do… gain weight, or gain salvation?

3. Plastic eggs have a toy inside. The empty tomb means joy inside!

2. The Easter Bunny hides stuff, but Jesus brings all things to light! “He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts.”(2 Corinthians 4:5)

1. “Rabbits twitch their nose; but Jesus arose!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Is there ever a legitimate reason to park in a no-parking zone?  Not according to one police officer.

FILE #1: A British traffic cop swooped down on Sue Butcher recently, giving her a $72 parking fine.  Her offense?  She’d pulled her car over to the side of the road in a no-parking zone.  However, she did so only for a couple of minutes… in order to tend to her asthmatic four-year-old son who had stopped breathing.  Despite explaining to the officer what was happening, he still refused to back down.  But we’re not done yet… the woman took her pleas to the city council – and they refused to tear up the ticket… that is, until the case got some attention in the media.  The council then scolded the officer saying he was “over-zealous.”  Well… it takes one to know one.

FILE #2: How exactly does someone get away with this unnoticed? Police in Virginia, Minnesota are looking for someone who stole an ATM from the Virginia Regional Medical Center. The ATM had an undetermined amount of money inside and it was stolen from the medical center’s main lobby. What’s worse is the criminal, apparently maximizing the resources at hand, used a wheelchair to cart the thing off! So far — no arrests or clues!

FILE #3: Three Rhode Island men have been arrested after a brawl over a plastic chair worth about $12 that none of the men owned. Several of those involved in the brawl fell off a dock into the harbor, and three men took off in a boat when police arrived on the scene. They were forced to swim to shore after hitting a rock and taking on water

STRANGE LAW: In the state of California, it is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Sometimes people are so incredibly dumb that they really shouldn’t even be on this show… but I just can’t resist this one.

A Kansas man got a wire coat hanger stuck in his throat. Just that sentence right there bears repeating. A Kansas man got a wire coat hanger stuck in his throat. Now – what on earth was he doing with a coat hanger down his throat, you might ask?  Good question… but the answer is just as insane. He got the coat hanger stuck in his throat as he was trying to remove a balloon that he’d swallowed.  Yeah – he swallowed a balloon. I’ll pause yet again. It gets better… the balloon was filled with cocaine. Okay… so why is this genius swallowing cocaine filled balloons? Well, get this. He says it was an accident. His excuse is that someone put the balloon in his drink at a party and he accidentally swallowed it.  Right – like the guy didn’t notice a large piece of rubber filled with white powder floating in his drink. Even if you didn’t notice it in the drink, don’t you think your brain would indicate that something was odd when the texture of what’s in your mouth suddenly changes from wet and wonderful to the taste of an old inner-tube?!? Anyway, the man needed emergency surgery to remove both the hangar as well as the balloon. Police say he could face possession charges. That sounds like perhaps the cops don’t buy his story any more than we do.

PHONER PHUN

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done on a dare? (audio clip)

What do your friends and family love, and insist that you should also love… but you absolutely hate?  (For me, it’s Doctor Who, and any movie with Adam Sandler.)

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Nicodemus put how many pounds of myrrh and aloes on the body of Jesus?
ANSWER: One Hundred pounds. (John 19:39 = And there came also Nicodemus, which at the first came to Jesus by night, and brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about an hundred pound weight.)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How long is Three-Mile Island?

ANSWER: Three Mile Island is only 2.5 miles long

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The General Lee cars used in the popular show The Dukes of Hazards were 1973 Dodge Chargers. (False – 1969 Dodge Chargers) (audio clip)

2. The name of the hotel on the popular children’s T.V. show Sesame Street is “The Henson Cafe”. (False – “The Furry Arms”) (audio clip)

3. In 1968, a man played with a yo-yo while testifying in Congress and was found in contempt. (True – Abbie Hoffman)

4. In the United Kingdom, three million people play bingo every year. (True)

5. Namco, who are the manufacturers of Pac Man the video game, has estimated that the original arcade game has been played over 10 billion times by individuals. (True) (audio clip)

6. Tohru Iwatani, the inventor of the video game Pac-Man, came up with the idea when he saw a pizza with a slice missing at a dinner party. (True)

7. It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Illinois in that state. (False – but it’s the law in Arkansas!)

8. Golf was banned in England in 1457. (True – because it was considered a distraction from the serious pursuit of archery.)

9. The short-term memory capacity for most people is between five and nine items or digits. (True. This is one reason that phone numbers were kept to seven digits for so long.)

10. Before 1859, baseball umpires were seated in padded chairs behind home plate. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

___________ WASHES ASHORE (SEA MONSTER)

A crazy sea monster washed ashore!

South Carolina believes they are dealing with a whole different kind of sea monster. An alarmingly large and strange-looking body of some kind of aquatic creature washed up on the coastal state’s Folly Beach.

Not knowing what the corpse could be, locals started claiming it was some kind of unknown sea monster. A South Carolina aquarium vet quickly dispelled this belief, identifying the freaky fish as a very large sturgeon.
Several species of sturgeon are native to North America, with the Atlantic sturgeon being the type found in the South Carolina area. All species of this swimmer are known to grow to massive sizes. The Atlantic Sturgeon usually grows to be around 10 feet long and 300 pounds, but can grow to be as big as 15 feet long and 800 pounds.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good … mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault.  She talks too much in school.  I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.”

JOKE #2

Three-year-old Charlotte received a certificate of achievement following her last swimming class. When Mary’s husband came home from work that evening, Mary handed him the cherished award.

“Charlotte, would you like to tell your daddy what this is?” Mark asked.

Charlotte thought for a moment. “Daddy,” she exclaimed in her proudest, most confident voice, “this is my terrificate!”

JOKE #3

The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.

MR.POTATO HEAD

He’s tan. 
He’s cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. 
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

USELESS FACTS

Physicists at two colleges in Massachusetts say they’ve developed a technique that allows them to bring particles of light to a screeching halt.  ***Which we already know how to do in (YOUR CITY) by opening the light bill.

Fredric Baur invented the Pringles can. When he passed away in 2008, his ashes were buried in one.

FEATURED FUNNIES

VULTURES TRAVEL
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
“Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” he asked.
“No, thanks,” replied one of the vultures. “They’re carrion.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

The three words, “That’s so gay,” have landed a California high school girl in the principal’s office. 

It was Rebekah Rice’s comeback when a few classmates razzed her about her Mormon upbringing with questions like, “Do you have ten moms?” That’s when she replied, “That’s so gay.”  There’s now a lawsuit. The teen’s parents say the high school violated her free speech rights when they came down on her for using a phrase common in youth culture.  The school has a policy against the putdown, triggered in part from the beating of a gay student.   But Rice says it’s stupid to believe she was referring to anyone’s sexual orientation.  In recent years, gay rights advocates and educators have tried teaching students that it’s hurtful to use the word “gay” as an all-purpose term for something disagreeable.  ***MARLAR: It’s also hurtful for people to make fun of you or your religious beliefs.  Why are we not hearing anything about that?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

TREASURES THAT CAN’T BE STOLEN

A thief made off with a lot of my worldly goods, but not the things that mattered most.
By Jennifer Haupt

A few months ago, I was on a business trip and checked my cell phone for messages in between my morning and afternoon meetings. There was one message, the one you never want to hear: “Honey, it’s me,” said my husband Eric, trying to sound nonchalant and doing a horrible job. “Call me as soon as you can. It’s important.”
It’s important. Those words rang in my head as I dashed off to my next meeting, no time to call Eric back until hours later. By that time, I was panicked with the possibilities. ”What’s wrong? Is someone hurt? Are the boys OK?” I fired into the phone when Eric picked up. When he told me we’d been robbed, a wave of relief flooded through me. As I walked back to my hotel that evening, I gave thanks that everything with real value to me was still waiting for me at home.

The thief had worked fast, filling a laundry basket with what he could carry: cameras and loose cash from my oldest son’s room; a small TV, a video camera, an iPod from the kitchen; some old coins and the jewelry box from my dresser. There was only one item I really felt sad about losing: a cocktail ring of my great-grandmother’s, a modest sapphire surrounded by diamond chips, set in delicate silver. I hadn’t taken this heirloom out of its box for years, and I’d never worn it because it was a size too small. I had no idea what it was worth and that night when I returned to my hotel, I called my mom to ask about it.

Our conversation turned to the great-grandmother whom I knew so little about. My mom started telling me stories of the grandmother she lived with during her childhood, in a small apartment over a deli that was my great-grandfather’s sole investment and which pulled the entire family through the Depression.

I remembered the delectable cheesecakes of my childhood that my mom’s Uncle Milt used to send every Christmas cross-country from that very same deli. I thought how ironic it was that the thief who took my keepsakes had actually given me the opportunity to stash away all of these family memories.

Months later when the insurance check arrived, I realized that no amount of money could replace the sentiment that those tiny diamond chips held. So instead of buying a new ring, I decided to spend the money on a trip to visit my parents. I also bought a new notebook and a tape recorder; I had a million questions I wanted to ask my mom and dad about their parents, uncles, aunts, and all of the other relatives I knew so little about.
Memories. These are the real family jewels that nobody can steal from you. And yet, so often these precious gems slip away with time, never to be recovered.

During the three-hour flight, as I thought of more and questions to ask my folks, I smiled and raised my complimentary juice glass to the mystery thief who had given me such a wonderful gift.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

CONVICTING WORD

Read: Mark 2:1-12

When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic, “Son, your sins are forgiven you.” —Mark 2:5

A young cowboy with no regard for God traveled to San Francisco and began a life of revelry, spending the money he had earned while working on the range. One night he staggered to his hotel room and slept until late the next day. When he awoke, he saw a small book on a nightstand near his bed and picked it up. It was the gospel of Mark. Disgusted, he threw it on the floor.

That evening, the book had once again been laid beside the bed. When he saw it in the same place the third day, he decided to read it. He found the book so interesting he couldn’t lay it aside. He later testified, “I learned that the Son of God said to a paralyzed man, ‘Your sins are forgiven you,’ and praised a poor widow for giving her last two coins. I was impressed when Jesus took little children in His arms and blessed them. And then, in spite of the unjust way He was treated, He went to the cross to save sinners. When I read why He died, I saw my own guilt and found peace in believing.” From that day forward, that cowboy became a different man and spent many years giving copies of the book of Mark to others.

We too must reach as many as possible with the convicting Word. The gospel is truly powerful. —Henry Bosch

O what joy awaits you, sinner,
When you heed Christ’s “Come to Me.”
To each seeking soul He whispers,
“I have now forgiven thee!” —Bosch

The gospel is sent to break hard hearts and to heal broken ones.

LEFTOVERS

Ever met the REAL Mr. and Mrs. America? Even stranger – they aren’t Americans.

After visiting New York, a couple from Manchester, England, loved the United States of America so much they have named themselves after us. Their names are now Bob and Jolene America. Originally, their names were Paul and Lindsey, but they wanted to sound like Americans, so now it’s Bob and Jolene America. They love America so much, they even insist friends call them by their new names in an American accent. To further “Americanize” themselves, they drive a white Cadillac and have decorated their home with American flags and pictures of Elvis. Their dream is to someday move to America.

LIFE… LIVE IT

IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER

Wouldn’t life be easier if it would run like a computer?

…Instead of going to the gym, you could get your daily exercise simply by clicking on RUN! To add or remove someone in your life, you could just click SETTINGS and CONTROL PANEL. Looking pretty lousy one day? Adjust your DISPLAY SETTINGS. If the kids are making too much noise you could turn off the speakers. Lose your car keys? Click on FIND. Need to make some tough decisions regarding finances or relationships? No problem, click on HELP. We could click on SEND NOW and a pizza would be on its way. And finally, when all else fails and you see no way of cleaning up your life, start over by pressing CTRL+ALT+DELETE!

JUST FOR FUN

Looking for great bargains? Forget eBay – check out the police department!

If you’re looking for a bargain on jewelry, artwork, vehicles, electronics and whatever else, you may want to skip eBay and talk to the police. A website called PropertyRoom.com auctions off unclaimed items from police department evidence rooms with most bids starting at $1. Their first auction was held in January 2001 and has grown to where they now have items from more than 1,000 police departments. It also helps out the police departments because they get a piece of the action and don’t have to devote man hours to selling it themselves.

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE REASONS AN ELEPHANT COULD NEVER BE PRESIDENT

  • Trunk always in the way at state dinners

  • Prime minister of India always wants to sit on his back

  • During state of the union speech, is distracted by mouse

  • Constant peanut breath

  • Even if he was a Democrat, he’d still look like a Republican

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

GARAGE SALE SEASON IS UPON US!

From organization expert, Emilie Barnes-suggestions for successful garage sales.  

  • Set your date-Saturday is usually best.  Advertise the time and location in the local paper – but don’t list your phone number.

  • Make signs-Use brightly colored poster board, print in large letters “Garage Sale,” the date, time, and address.  Post in prominent areas (using your own stakes). Remember to take these down after the sale.

  • Get your sale items together-Start collecting items weeks in advance.  Get rid of everything you really don’t use: old books, clothes, videos, kitchen gadgets.  You may want to invite neighbors to join your sale.  The more items you have the more people you will draw.

  • Organize your items-Display items in categories: toys in one area, books in another, etc.  Have an extension cord available to show that electric items work.

  • Set your prices-Keep your prices down. Remember, you want to get rid of items.  Show prices on cardboard in each area – for example, “books $1.00.”   Set prices in increments of 50 cents.  It’s easier to make change.  Use colored stickers with each seller’s name, so you can track who sold what.  Designate one person as cashier, so all money goes only through that person.  Make up some boxes of misc items, especially kids items, marked 10 cents, and 25 cents.  Kids love to buy things too!  When it’s over, don’t bring anything that didn’t sell back into the house or garage.  Donate it to a charity.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Men who pop a daily multivitamin appear to have a moderately lower risk for developing cancer, according to researchers at Brigham and Women’s Hospital and the Veterans Administration Boston Healthcare System. This is the first large study to test the effectiveness of multivitamins in preventing cancer. And the findings are a bit of a surprise. Previous, smaller studies have found that multivitamins not only don’t help prevent chronic diseases, but also might even increase the risk of cancer. That means a daily multivitamin pill can cut the chance of developing cancer by 8 percent. While the multivitamins had no effect on preventing prostate cancer, which accounted for half the cases of cancer, they did lower the risk for all other types of cancer by 12 percent.

Owning a dog can slash the risk of childhood obesity. Researchers discovered that kids who have a furry four-legged friend are more active, get more exercise and are less sedentary than those who have no canines in the castle. Studying child heart health, the scientist measured the number of steps walked and time spent outside, noting moderate to vigorous levels of activity in children ages 9 and 10. The results were consistent for boys and girls. It could mean that dog family kids move more while playing or walking their mutt versus non-dog family kids, who instead tend to play on the computer or watch television. Dr. Christopher Owen, a professor of epidemiology at St. George’s University of London, where the study was conducted, says that having a hyper hound to play with can reduce the odds of obesity and diabetes in children. He notes: “It will confer a benefit on their health.”

A recent study says that drinking a glass of wine can equate to an hour of exercise. The researchers responsible for the study, published in Journal of Physiology in May, discovered that resveratrol, a “natural compound” found in certain fruits, nuts, and red wine, could actually “enhance exercise training and performance.” But there’s more. Jason Dyck, the principal investigator for the study, tells Science Daily that resveratrol can also offer the same benefits working out does. “I think resveratrol could help patient populations who want to exercise but are physically incapable. Resveratrol could mimic exercise for them or improve the benefits of the modest amount of exercise that they can do.” The only bad news? Not-red wines don’t count (sorry, Chardonnay-lovers), and it only works with one glass — so chugging a bottle a week doesn’t equate to four to six gym sessions.  ***But don’t let those little, itty bitty downsides take away from the bigger picture here!

It’s game day, and you’re suiting up. Not to play. You’re a fan. A rabid fan. And you know that your favorite team is depending on you. If you wear that lucky shirt, the team will win. You know full well this is irrational behavior, but you do it anyway. Your choice of clothing will have no effect on whether your team will win or lose. But guess what? You’re not the only one who wears a lucky shirt — and sort of, kind of believes in its power. It turns out that even smart, educated, emotionally stable adults believe in superstitions that they recognize are unreasonable. And someone was paid to study this! Researchers from the University of Chicago Booth School of Business concluded that even when people recognize their belief does not make sense, they can still allow that irrational belief to influence how they think, feel and behave. The takeaway: Keep wearing your lucky shirt. Who knows? It may work.

The Baker’s Dozen is a unit of measurement that everyone can get excited about. If something is measured in a Baker’s Dozen, it’s always gonna be something delightful; a baker’s dozen of bear claws, a baker’s dozen of donuts, and a baker’s dozen of Danishes. But why is a baker’s dozen not a dozen at all? According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, the excessive measuring technique dates back to the Middle Ages in England. Back then, there were stern penalties for bakers who skimped on how much bread was in any given bag of bread sold to a customer. Before the rules were put in place, a baker could overprice an undersized loaf of bread and cheat their patrons. So, the Baker’s Dozen was born out of overcompensation. The rules required the baked good prices to directly correlated with the amount of flour used. But many bakers didn’t own scales, so it was pure pan-demonium. A baker would throw in an extra roll, or even two, just to make sure they weren’t shorting their wheat-noshing commoners. (Reader’s Digest)

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

More and more, Americans believe in the power of prayer to positively affect their health. Over 22,000 adults were asked in a recent University of Massachusetts survey if they prayed for good health and 49 percent say they did. That is up from 43 percent result from over 30,000 adults polled in a 2002 National Health Interview Survey. Shockingly, in a similar poll in 1999, only 14 percent of those surveyed said they had prayed for health. According to the analysis, published in the journal Psychology Of Religion And Spirituality, the increased use of prayer cuts across folks of all ages. However, the research showed that women, older and married people, as well as those whose health status had changed, for better or for worse, were more likely than others to pray. Folks experiencing episodes of depression and dental pain also turned to prayer at high rates. “We were surprised,” said study coauthor Amy Wachholtz, director of health psychology at University of Massachusetts.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If they ever perfect time travel, the first thing I’ll do is travel back to last Monday and change my maximum bid on eBay for that “Alvin and the Chipmunks” CD box set. –Steiner Sellers

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


APRIL 06, 2018…

You Were Really Here—This film is a thriller taken from the novella by Jonathan Ames.  It is about trying to find a young woman (Ekaterina Samsonod) who has been kidnapped and forced into the sex trade. A detective (Joaquin Phoenix) tries to find her. Someone is just one step ahead of Joaquin. Also in the cast is John Doman. “You Were Really Here” is rated R. No rating.

Blockers—A comedy, starring John Cena, and about parents who try to prevent their teen-age daughters from that first date of going all the way. The parents do a covert operation and follow the girls.  The cast includes Lesley Mann,  Kathryn Newton, Gary Cole and Gina Gershon. “Blockers” is rated PG-13 No rating.

A Quiet Place—John Krasinski stars, wrote, and directs this film that also has his wife, Emily Blunt, as one of the cast.  It is a combination thriller-/horror film about a family whose house is invaded by strangers that hunt by sound.  What to do and just how quiet can you keep, anyway? Also in the cast are Noah Jupe and Millicent Simmonds. “A Quiet Place” is rated R. No rating.

The Endless—A horror film with another actor, Justin Benson, who wrote/directs/and stars in his film. Not much information given, but other cast members include Aaron Moorhead, Callie Hernandez and Lew Temple. “The Endless” is rated R. No rating.

Paul: An Apostle (also called The Apostle Paul)—This film is opening slowly around the country. It stars James Faulkner (“Downton Abbey”) as Paul, and a great part of the film has Paul in prison during the time Nero is Emperor. Hence, the persecution of Christians and doubts within the new church as to what to do amid all the problems they are encountering. Jim Caviezel plays Luke, a physician here, and a friend of Paul, who attempts to help him in prison. Other characters include a Roman soldier and a sick child. The early church, had its problems, and how it managed to continue is thought-provoking. “Paul: An Apostle” is rated PG 13 for violence. Rating of 2.

APRIL 13, 2018…

 Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero is a real life canine hero of WWI and he is a Boston terrier. Human star is Logan Lerman.

The Rider is based on a true story of a professional rodeo rider who overcomes difficulties.

Miracle Season is based on the true story of the Iowa City West High School  Girls  Volleyball team. Stars Erin Moriarity.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.