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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160411
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Up next, it’s the new, improved, tartar-controlled, (JOCK SHOW)!
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
If we live, we live to the Lord: and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. — Romans 14:8
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. — Galatians 2:20
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. — Colossians 2:6
Thought: “New and improved!” That’s the key marketing tag to re-introduce an older product that has fallen out of the public perception. Make a few changes, then re-market the old product. Paul wants the Colossians to know that Jesus does not need to be “new and improved.” Instead, they need to follow him as Lord just as they did when they first became Christians. That is our need, too. Our lives need to be rooted and nurtured in Christ Jesus as Lord, full of thankfulness for God’s incredible gift of grace in his Son.
Prayer: Loving Father and Almighty God, thank you for the gift of your grace given to me in Jesus Christ. Forgive me when I get fascinated by what is simply new or when wanderlust hits and I want something novel. Please make my walk with Jesus fresh each day. Strengthen my appreciation that his lordship in my life will help me face the difficult circumstances along the way and greet the exciting new opportunities each day with joy, strength, hope, and power. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
1 John 4:11 NIV = Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
TODAY IS MONDAY – APRIL 11, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 257 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL DANDELION DAY. *** Oooh… an entire day dedicated to pretty weeds!
On this day in 1934 at the top of Mt. Washington in New Hampshire, wind gusts up to 231 miles per hour were recorded, the strongest gusts ever measured on Earth. *** The amount of wind caused talk of changing the name from “Mount Washington” to “Mount Washington D.C.”
Today is 8-TRACK TAPE DAY. *** 10 points if you still have 8-track tapes at home, and double points if you have a working 8-track player! Triple points if you have your working player still hooked up to your home stereo and use it regularly! (I’m sure a great majority of people listening have no clue whatsoever what an eight-track tape even is. Before music was available on the Internet, before you could buy music on CDs, even before music could be purchased on cassette tapes, there was the eight track tape. The good thing about eight-track was that it could hold a lot of songs… a lot more than cassettes, and even CDs. The bad thing is that you could never rewind to get to your favorite song. Using the fast forward feature, if you missed the beginning of the song you’d have to go through the entire tape again to get back to where you wanted to be. The eight-track tape is still in use today all over the world if you keep an eye out. Eight-track tapes are used as drink coasters, door stops, they prop open windows, are used as clay pigeons…)
Today is BARBERSHOP QUARTET DAY. *** Ironically, most men who like barbershop quartets today are those who’ve lost the need for a barber. They probably still own eight-track tapes too. (
Today is DAY OF SILENCE. ***MARLAR: Which is preferable to anyone singing barbershop.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Barbershop Quartet Day
International “Louie Louie” Day
National Teach Children To Save Day
COMING UP NEXT
TUESDAY, APRIL 12
International Day of Human Space Flight
National Licorice Day
Walk On Your Wild Side Day
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13
National Bookmobile Day
Thomas Jefferson Day
THURSDAY, APRIL 14
Celebrate Teen Literature Day
Children With Alopecia Day
Dictionary Day (***I’m currently reading the dictionary, so please – no spoilers. I’d rather be surprised to see how the book ends!)
International Moment of Laughter Day
National Dolphin Day
Pan American Day
Pathologists’ Assistant Day
FRIDAY, APRIL 15
Get To Know Your Customers Day
Income Tax Pay Day
Take a Wild Guess Day
That Sucks Day
SATURDAY, APRIL 16
Husband Appreciation Day
Record Store Day
Save The Elephant Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 17
Bat Appreciation Day
Blah! Blah! Blah! Day
Ellis Island Family History Day
Ford Mustang Day
Nothing Like a Dame Day
MONDAY, APRIL 18
Adult Autism Day
National Stress Awareness Day
Pet Owners Independence Day
ON THIS DAY
1868: U.S. Army Commander Ulysses S. Grant was stopped for speeding in his horse-drawn buggy. Three months later he was stopped again and fined $5.00.
1882: U.S. patent #256,265 was issued for the Block Clock. It was an alarm clock mounted over the bed that, at a set time, dropped two dozen small wood blocks on the sleeper.
1921: Iowa became the first state to impose a tax on cigarettes.
1929: Popeye made his first appearance as a supporting character in a comic strip in Hearst’s New York newspapers. (
1956: Elvis Presley held his first recording session with the Jordanaires, cutting the single track “I Want You, I Need You, I Love You.” The same day, James Brown debuted on Billboard’s R&B chart with “Please, Please, Please.”
1961: Bob Dylan made his professional singing debut in New York City’s Greenwich Village. He sang “Blowin’ in the Wind.”
1962: The New York Mets played their first regular season game. Managed by Casey Stengel, the Mets lost their first ten games.
1979: Rebels and exiles backed by Tanzanian forces seized control of Uganda’s government deposing the brutal dictator Idi Amin.
1981: Guitarist Eddie Van Halen and actress Valerie Bertinelli were married in Los Angeles.
1986: Kellogg’s of Battle Creek, Michigan, stopped an 80-year tradition of tours of its breakfast-food plant, believing that spies from other companies were taking the tours to steal company secrets.
1989: The U.S. issued a patent (#4,821,247) to Reginald Grooms of Conway, South Carolina, for his Ear-Mounted Alarm Clock, a digital alarm clock so tiny it can be hidden in your ear and awaken you without bothering your spouse.
1990: Astronomers at Lowell Observatory in Arizona named four asteroids after John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Starr.
1999: Florida accountant Jim Akin finished his annual count of dollar bills stapled to the walls and ceiling at McGuire’s Irish Pub & Brewery in Pensacola. Since 1977 customers had signed and stapled up 175,000 dollar bills, which every April have to be inventoried and reported to the IRS.
2003: Thieves broke into a safe and stole $1,020 — from a prison. A spokesman for Spring Hill Prison near Aylesbury, England, said the crime took place in the prison’s reception area.
2006: More than a million immigrants and their supporters in some 150 U.S. cities rallied peacefully against a congressional clampdown and possible deportations.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
627: Hilda of Whitby is baptized. One of the most influential women of the Dark Ages, she founded Whitby, discovered and promoted Caedmon (an early English poet), and trained five bishops.
1079: Stanislaus, Polish bishop of Krakow, is martyred. Whether or not he attempted to overthrow King Boleslaw II (called Boleslaw the Cruel) is debatable; he certainly excommunicated the evil king. In return, Boleslaw deemed him a traitor and had Stanislaus murdered.
1506: Pope Julius II lays the foundation for the new St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome. Builders delayed its completion until 1626 due to its immense cost, size, and other factors. Indulgences sold to fund the construction drew criticism from Protestant reformers, most memorably Martin Luther.
1567: Thomas Aquinas, the greatest Christian philosopher of the Middle Ages, is elevated to the status of Doctor of the Church.
1836: George Mueller, leader of the Plymouth Brethren movement, opens his famous orphanage on Wilson Street in Bristol. By 1875, Mueller’s orphanage provided care for over 2,000 children, a work sustained not by regular fundraising but by thousands of “answers to prayer.
1861: Sarah Platt Haines Doremus becomes the first president of the Women’s Union Missionary Society of America for Heathen Lands. She became known as the “Mother of Missions.”
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (Lady Killers, Wolves of Wall Street, Mystery Men) Louise Lasser is 77
- actor (Another Mr. Sloane/Ned Bolger on TV’s “Alias,” Chiun in Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins) Joel Grey 84 (
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1918 : Jimmy Lewis
1935 : Richard Berry
1943 : Tony Victor (The Classics)
1946 : Bob Harris
1954 : Chris Difford (Squeeze)
1958 : Stuart Adamson (Big Country)
1961 : Doug Hopkins (The Gin Blossoms)
1965 : Nigel Pulsford (Bush)
1966 : Lisa Stanfield
1969 : Cerys Matthews (Catalonia)
1970 : Dylan Keefe (Marcy Playground)
1979 : Sebastien Grainger (Death from Above 1979)
1987 : Joss Stone
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Painting eggs dates back to Western Europe’s 15th century. When czars ruled Russia, royal families were given Fabergé eggs as Easter gifts. Carl Fabergé created his eggs out of gold, silver and jewels from the 1880s to 1917. They opened to show tiny figures of people, animals, plants or buildings. In pre-Christian times, colored eggs were used as a calling for good spirits.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Third Day and Steven Curtis Chapman are asking for your help. The two will be touring together soon but they have a problem. The long time bands have a combined 80 number 1 Singles. That means a lot of their well known songs won’t get played. So Third Day and Steven Curtis are asking for your input. They want you to help them choose which songs to play on the road. Simply share your thoughts on their Instagram page.
Big Daddy Weave got a surprise when they woke up Thursday morning. The band was in the Upper Peninsula on their way to a concert in Wisconsin and woke to find snow on the ground. Members of the band pointed out that the calendar says it’s spring and suggested that a snow day might be in order but, instead, the snow melted off the roads and the show went on as scheduled.
Casting Crowns Melodee Devevo was having a tough social media day this week and she wasn’t getting much sympathy from the rest of the band.
She posted: I need a favor, twerps. I have lost all my contacts so if you have my phone number, text me and tell me who you are so I can store it. Thanks.
Then she added: That last one was supposed to say tweeps not twerps. Stupid autocorrect!
Casting Crowns front man Mark Hall replied: Call us twerp and then ask for our digits. It’s a wonder you’re not still single.
Love and the Outcome are turning by time. Their record company posted this week: Be on the lookout for your very own Lowe and the Outcome cassette coming soon! It will feature their song The God I Know.
Hillsong United hinted this week that they may soon be releasing another live CD. When a fan posted on twitter: Would love if you recorded another live album, members of the band replied: We may have some very exciting news in the next month!
Tenth Avenue North’s Jeff Owen is looking for some help. He posted on twitter this week: Writing a song about fear and anxiety. What makes you anxious? (***Not a bad phone topic either!)
Meredith Andrews says counseling and faith helped heal her marriage. The worship leader recently talked with Guideposts magazine. She said her latest album, Deeper, was written while in the trenches of one of the most difficult seasons of her eight-year marriage to husband Jacob Sooter. The pair, who have three children, found themselves at a crossroads in their relationship just one year ago. Stress from adding two babies to their family, moving from their home base of Chicago to Nashville and the demands of Andrews’ music career had the couple questioning whether they would actually be able to make “happily ever after” work. The healing began a few days before Valentines day of 2015 with a proposition by Jacob – a weekend getaway to reconnect as a family. Meredith says that was turning point. Read the entire article here:
Meredith Andrews hopes to put an end to people thinking that her son is a girl. She posted a before and after picture this week and said: This kid underwent quite the transformation today. No more, “she’s so cute!” Meredith added: 3 years and 2 months of hair gone bye bye.
It’s been almost 2 1/2 years since the son of Casting Crowns Chris Huffman received his new heart. Chris posted this week: April is Donate Life Month. It is also special because Silas was born in April. The Huffmans had to wait 100 long days before they got the call that a donor had been found for Silas, giving him a new chance at life. Chris said: If you aren’t signed up to be an organ donor would you think about doing it today in honor of Silas. We don’t need our organs when we die so why not give someone like Silas a second chance at life? You can sign up at donatelife.net
(No news on the weekends.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Authorities in Indian River County, Florida arrested a man after he allegedly tried to break into the county jail by ramming his car into the front door and then trying to climb a fence. The suspect, 24-year-old Patrick Rempe, was arrested when he got tangled in the fence’s razor wire. He apparently was there to see a friend. ***Whom he’ll be seeing a lot of now.
A New York woman was arrested after she bit an employee of a Vermont store when he attempted to retrieve underwear she had allegedly stolen from the store. The woman is accused of biting loss-prevention officer Richard Durham, of the TJ Maxx store. He told police the woman kicked him, slapped his glasses off of his face and bit his thumb after he had taken her purse to check for the stolen underwear. Police say Durham retrieved the $21.50 underwear from the woman’s bag. ***TJ Maxx? Are we sure this isn’t a Walmart story? This sounds like a Walmart shopper.
A woman who gave birth in the back of a taxi in Delhi, India, recently has named her baby Uber. ***That’s got to be a slap in the face to guy driving the Taxi.
On the web, a woman says she’s been invited to a wedding and tickets are $150. That’s right, the bride and groom are charging admission to their wedding! ***Which is fine by me – so long as the bride and groom are donning battle armor and dueling each other with swords and clubs during the wedding vows.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
According to a study in the journal Human Factors, talking on a cell phone makes 18-to-25 year-olds drive like they’re 70. Researchers at the University of Utah found that young motorists talking on their cell phones while driving move and react more slowly and increase their risk of accidents, almost mirroring the statistics of elderly drivers. ***MARLAR: They also have a tendency to roll down their windows and yell “turn down your stereo you young whipper-snappers!”
Americans tend to identify so much with their automobiles that they often give their cars nicknames and even talk to them while they’re driving, according to a recent AP-AOL poll. 20% of drivers name their car. The #1 nickname is Betsy, followed by Nelly, Blue and Baby. Three in 10 think their car has a gender. 23% of drivers think their cars are female while only 7% perceive their cars as being male. 62% believe the kind of car you drive tells others something about who you are as a person. ***MARLAR: That’s not good. What’s this say about my personality – my first car was a white 1976 Ford Bobcat two-door mini-station-wagon with wood siding we named “Woody.”
You may think your one true love is the most important thing in your life, but you would probably be wrong. It appears our home computers take that honor. A recent study finds that 65% of Americans spend more time with their computer than their spouse or significant other, reports Digital Trends. Kelton Research also found that 52% of us said our most recent computer problem caused us to feel anger, sadness or alienation. ***MARLAR: Or is that our spouses?
A recent report shows that home births have risen to the highest level in decades. ***Probably because it’s the only place you can go where you don’t have to worry they won’t take Obamacare.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “One-armed man”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Paul Aldrich, “7-Eleven”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Nozzles the Elephant had a journal and was writing down everything bad anyone had ever done to him. Then Sully the Aardvark came over and began doing the same thing, and then came Racquet the Skunk and Gruffy Bear! Now everyone is writing down bad things about everyone else!
CLOSE: For a second there I thought someone finally made the right decision by throwing that book out the window! How can all these friends say such nasty things about each other… all because of this dumb little blank book! Of course, now they’ll probably write something in it about me saying they’re all dumb – and that it’s a dumb little blank book. Boy, I hope that pizza arrives soon – maybe that’ll take all of our minds off of this! We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 16/17
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita decided she no longer wanted to sing with her sisters and decided to go solo. So the Cheetah Sisters held auditions to find a replacement. And that wasn’t going very well. And Cheetah Bonita’s solo career was also having difficulties, because the BAND wanted to be solo too!
CLOSE: Now even the individual band members want to have solos? If this keeps up everybody will be doing solos – but nobody will be listening, because they’ll be too busy with their own solos! Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Self-defense classes are pretty popular – just make sure you’re not taking a class in Tai Kwon DUH!
It’s not Tai Kwon Do, it’s Tai Kwon DUH! Aarti Rishi, a 20-year-old first-degree black belt, was substituting for the regular Sensei at a Dojo in Bayonne, New Jersey. Guess she thought she’d be a show off and instructed one of the students to shoot an arrow at her. She was supposed to catch it with her hand. Instead she caught it with her left eye! The regular Sensei, Chris Cherchio, said had he been there, he never would have allowed such stunt adding, “That’s not the kind of school we run.” In the meantime, Aarti’s going to be all right… as long as you consider going throughout the rest of your life with just one eye all right!
TOP TEN REASONS TO CHANGE YOUR HAIR COLOR
- You already lied about your weight on your driver’s license; there’s no reason that anything else should be completely accurate.
- Gunmetal grey just isn’t as fetching as it may sound.
- Last resort! Hopefully the aliens won’t recognize you.
- Last Halloween some kid tried to carve a jack-o-lantern in your head.
- It clashes with your iPod.
- You’ve always wanted to be a twin, but all you’ve got is a parrot.
- Bright purple hair still looks dark brown on black and white security cameras in convenience stores.
- So you can stand out as an individual, just like everyone else.
- Anything is better than your current shade of “clear.”
- You’re the ditzy, talentless younger sister tired of being mistaken for your ditzy, talentless older sister.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Who needs a semi-automatic when you have an ice scraper?
FILE #1: In Cedar Rapids, Iowa, Derdre Rodriguez chased down a burglar and held him at bay with an unusual weapon of choice — an ice scraper. She told officers that when she came home, she heard someone jump out of a back window. She then saw 16-year-old Jake Merfeld running across the yard, carrying jewelry, cell phones and a video game. So she chased him down and when she caught him, hit him on top of the head with the ice scraper and he surrendered. She then made the teen boy pick up the property he dropped while trying to escape. He was treated for a cut on his head, now faces a second-degree burglary charge.
FILE #2: There is such a thing as getting too tough on crime — like when we throw common sense out the window and start treating our good citizens like bank robbers — over an obvious mistake. Thus was the fate of Tom Sturgis in Cleveland, Ohio. Tom had gone grocery shopping and paid $157.20 at one of those self-checkout counter. Problem was that he forgot to ring up the case of sodas he had under his cart and was walking out of the store when security asked to see his receipt. When Tom realized his mistake, he offered to gladly go back to the line and pay for the sodas. But the security guard refused and told Tom that the situation was similar to a bank robbery! So they called police and Tom was charged with petty theft.
FILE #3: Note to self: When robbing banks, taxis don’t make good getaway vehicles. Police in East Point, Georgia, easily caught Marcus Chisholm after he called a taxi to take him to and from the Sun Trust bank branch that he allegedly robbed. The cab driver gave officers Chisholm’s address and identified him in the bank’s surveillance video. Police picked Chisholm up at his apartment a few hours after the robbery.
STRANGE LAW: Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown in Florida. And thank goodness for that.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
A Vallejo, California, couple promised to take each other for better or for worse. The worse part came a lot sooner than they expected.
A fight broke out at their wedding party and when police returned for a second time they treated both the groom and his cousin to a toast with a Taser. The bride and groom spent their wedding night in jail after officers took this man and this woman to be their lawfully arrested inmates – he for resisting arrest, she for public intoxication.
What’s the dumbest thing that you and your significant other have fought over? One Orange County, FL woman stabbed her husband after a fight over hot dogs for dinner! That’s pretty frivolous! What’s the silliest thing you and your significant argued about?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What was the name of the secretary that wrote the book of Romans for Paul?
ANSWER: Tertius (Romans 16:22 = “I Tertius, who wrote this epistle, salute you in the Lord.”)
QUESTION: What was Kelly’s last-name in “Saved by the Bell”?
ANSWER: Kapowski (
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Electric refrigerators were first sold to American housewives in 1916, at a cost of $90. (False – $900!)
- In 1956, 80% of all U.S. households had a refrigerator, but only 8% of British households had one. (True)
- The country whose residents eat at sit down restaurants the least is Hong Kong. (False – Russia. Russians eat at restaurants an average of 0.3 meals per month. Residents of Hong Kong eat out at sit down restaurants the most at 8.7 meals per month.)
- Women’s hearts beat faster than men’s. (True)
- When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit. (True)
- Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets. (True)
- Bubble gum contains rubber. (True)
- You can only smell 1/10th as well as a dog. (False – 1/20th)
- In high school, Robin Williams was voted “Most Likely to Succeed.” (False – he was voted “Least Likely to Succeed”)
- Only 85% of all Americans know that the sun is a star. (False – worse, it’s only 55% that know.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
SNOWMAN ATTACKS _____ IN MOSCOW (TRAIN)
A snowman jumped in front of a moving train!
Passenger train “Moscow – Novy Urengoy” had to make an emergency stop in the Kirov region, after the train ran over a snowman. The snowman “emerged” on the tracks. The collision resulted in a technical malfunction for the locomotive. The train continued traveling as soon as the malfunction was fixed.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, “I am a taxi driver from New York City.”
The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the minister steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water.
The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, “That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?”
The angel replies, “Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray.”
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger mellowed, and I decided to give the driver another chance.
During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver’s windshield: “Please don’t take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don’t say I never towed you!”
This guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.”
The doctor says, “OK. Touch your elbow.”
The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doctor, surprised, says “Touch your head.”
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts terribly. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.
Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says “We’ve found your problem.”
“Oh yeah? What is it?”
“You’ve broken your finger!”
A survey of Glamour Magazine readers resulted in 50% of Glamour readers saying they would throw a “divorce party.” ***MARLAR: Which is even more shallow than actually reading Glamour Magazine.
A skin care clinic in Bangkok, Thailand, was raided by the Public Health Ministry for allegedly prescribing superglue as an acne remover. ***MARLAR: Good call; I’d think Super Glue would make your zits more permanent.
THE PERFECT EMPLOYEE
- Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
- hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
- wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
- thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
- finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
- measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
- breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
- vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
- knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
- classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
- dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
- promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
- executed as soon as possible.
Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
WHAT QUALIFIES AS A LEGITIMATE TAX DEDUCTION?
Here are some actual tax deductions from a firm in Cupertino, California
- A San Jose couple donated a halibut to the Salvation Army. The wife caught it while on an Alaskan vacation. They claimed the fish weighed 700 pounds, and at the market price of $7.99 a pound, they paid for their vacation with the write-off.
- A father deducted the cost of a musical instrument and lessons for his son, who played the clarinet to help correct an overbite.
- A cat owner deducted the cost of the kitty because it was trained to alert its hearing-impaired master to unusual sounds.
- How about childbirth-damaged carpet? Nobody gave birth on it, but a woman who conducted Lamaze classes in her family room claimed pregnant women were wearing out the carpet during their exercises.
- A paraplegic’s doctor recommended swimming as therapy, so the woman built a glamorous pool with water-spouting cupid statues. The IRS allowed a $70,000 deduction, including five grand for the cupids.
- One man wrote off a wig. He bought the rug to relieve his mental stress of going bald.
A TRUE STORY OF COURAGE AND LOVE
David L. Kuzminski
Walking down a path through some woods in Georgia, I saw a water puddle ahead on the path. I angled my direction to go around it on the part of the path that wasn’t covered by water and mud. As I reached the puddle, I was suddenly attacked! Yet I did nothing for the attack was so unpredictable and from a source so totally unexpected.
I was startled as well as unhurt, despite having been struck four or five times already. I backed up a foot and my attacker stopped attacking me. Instead of attacking more, he hovered in the air on graceful butterfly wings in front of me. Had I been hurt I wouldn’t have found it amusing, but I was unhurt, it was funny,
and I was laughing. After all, I was being attacked by a butterfly!
Having stopped laughing, I took a step forward. My attacker rushed me again.
He rammed me in the chest with his head and body, striking me over and over again with all his might, still to no avail.
For a second time, I retreated a step while my attacker relented in his attack. Yet again, I tried moving forward. My attacker charged me again. I was rammed in the chest over and over again. I wasn’t sure what to do, other than to retreat a third time. After all, it’s just not everyday that one is attacked by a butterfly. This time, though, I stepped back several paces to look the situation over. My attacker moved back as well to land on the ground. That’s when I discovered why my attacker was charging me only moments earlier. He had a mate and she was dying. She was beside the puddle where he landed. Sitting close beside her, he opened and closed his wings as if to fan her. I could only admire the love and courage of that butterfly in his concern for his mate. He had taken it upon himself to attack me for his mate’s sake, even though she was clearly dying and I was so large. He did so just to give her those extra few precious moments of life, should I have been careless enough to step on her.
Now I knew why and what he was fighting for. There was really only one option left for me. I carefully made my way around the puddle to the other side of the path, though it was only inches wide and extremely muddy. His courage in attacking something thousands of times larger and heavier than himself just for
his mate’s safety justified it. I couldn’t do anything other than reward him by walking on the more difficult side of the puddle. He had truly earned those moments to be with her, undisturbed. left them in peace for those last few moments, cleaning the mud from my boots when I later reached my car.
Since then, I’ve always tried to remember the courage of that butterfly whenever I see huge obstacles facing me.
I use that butterfly’s courage as an inspiration and to remind myself that good things are worth fighting for.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
THE GLORIOUS SUNSET
M. R. De Haan, M.D.
Read: Psalm 71:9-18
At evening time it shall happen that it will be light. – Zechariah 14:7
It is wonderful to be young, with clear sight, acute hearing, elastic step, pulses drumming to the march of exhilarating health. But old age has glories that youth cannot know. It is a blessed old age indeed if it ends brightly at evening time.
Old age celebrates the harvest—youth the sowing. Like fruit in the fall, the harvest of old age will either dry up and wither, or grow mellow and sweeter as it ripens.
You cannot escape the advancing years. Youth stays long enough only to strengthen our shoulders for the burdens ahead. Life leads inevitably to the evening time. But the best things are the oldest things—things that have endured and stood the test of time. God Himself—though not bound by time—is called the Ancient of Days (Daniel 7:9).
So don’t be ashamed to own your age. Everything that abides must become old: mountains, rivers, oceans, stars.
But the evening time of life can be bright only if we have the One who is the Light as our evening Sun. Nothing is sadder than an aging person facing eternity without Jesus. And nothing is sweeter than a gently mellowing Christian, still growing and resting in Christ as he faces God’s tomorrow with confidence.
So I journey with rejoicing
Toward the city of God’s light,
While each day my joy is deeper,
And the pathway grows more bright. —Hoffman
It is a strange thing that, while all would live long, none would be old. —Benjamin Franklin
PAIN IN THE NECK
Ever have an ache in your body, but are not sure how you hurt yourself? A woman from Yonkers, New York, dealt with a pain in her neck for three days before finally seeing a doctor. The doctor found the source of the pain…
… a bullet! Apparently she had been shot in the neck, but was not aware of it! The 23-year-old woman, whose name was not made public, told police she began feeling pain, and noticed a small amount of blood. Four days later she went to the hospital because the pain had not subsided. An X-ray revealed a small caliber bullet lodged in her neck. Detectives and the woman are still trying to figure out when she was shot. ***MARLAR: How would you like to have this lady’s tolerance for pain? This lady gets shot and doesn’t even realize it for four days! I cry like a baby if I stub my toe on the coffee table in the middle of the night!
LIFE… LIVE IT
If you want to lose weight, you might want to skip the gym and hit the hay.
French researchers now say that an extra hour of sleep could be the key to losing weight. Of course, it still makes sense to make time for exercise and you still need a good diet, but after going over some 30 previous studies, the researchers noticed a link between weight gain and lack of sleep. There are two key hormones in our bodies that regulate the fat. Grehlin makes people hungry, slows metabolism and decreases the body’s ability to burn body fat, and leptin regulates fat storage. When we lose sleep, we lose appetite-cutting leptin and gain appetite-causing grehlin. Of course, the best time to start the habit of getting a good night’s sleep and fighting off obesity is when you’re young and the researchers say that each extra hour of sleep cuts a child’s risk of becoming overweight by nine percent.
JUST FOR FUN
TIME TRAVELLING CHIROPRACTOR
Do you think he requires a Delorian traveling 88 miles per hour?
In Athens, Ohio, a chiropractor who claims he can treat anyone by going back in time to when an injury occurred has attracted the attention of state regulators. Now a hearing has been scheduled for James Burda who has been accused of being “unable to practice chiropractic according to acceptable and prevailing standards of care due to mental illness, specifically, Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type.” But James says he’s not mentally ill — it’s just that he possesses a skill he discovered by accident while driving six years ago. He calls his treatment “Bahlaqeem” — basically a made up word — and charges nothing for his first “visit,” usually by phone or Internet. Subsequent treatments are $60. He also offers a money back guarantee and says he’s treated hundreds of patients and reports nine out of 10 patients are satisfied. ***MARLAR: This is a total sham. If you discovered that you somehow had the ability to travel back and forth through time, would your first idea be, “Saaaay… I could place people’s spines back into alignment!”? Of course not – you’d immediately go after the Power Ball numbers. (
From the folks at Hallmark.com and their creation, Maxine the Queen of Crabbiness, here are 10 ways to ensure you get audited by the IRS…
- Pay in pennies (delivered by sling slot).
- Deduct calls made to the Psychic Network in an attempt to get winning PowerBall numbers.
- Claim your cat as a dependent.
- Claim charitable deductions that equal more than your income.
- On the line that asks what you made this year, answer “Trouble.”
- Deduct adoption costs associated with adopting a new personality.
- Claim a home office deduction based on all the in-home counseling you give to friends and family.
- Wait till the last minute and copy the numbers from the guy standing next to you in line at the post office.
- Fill out your forms in yellow crayon.
- Detail 11,215 Internet stock trades — and claim you came out exactly even.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR SPEEDING (PEOPLE USE THESE, BUT THEY PROBABLY WON’T WORK FOR YOU!)
The top ten excuses for speeding, according to a Georgia State Trooper: (so if you NEED an excuse, try to come up with something other than one of these…)
- I just didn’t realize it.
- I was traveling with the flow of traffic.
- I was passing someone.
- My speedometer must be wrong.
- But I had my cruise control set at such and such.
- Your radar must be wrong.
- Running late for something.
- I’m on vacation.
- I was trying to get to a rest room.
- This is someone else’s car.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Dressing modestly is slowly becoming a more mainstream fashion trend, thanks in large part to religious Jewish and Muslim women who are bridging the gap between honoring their traditions while expressing their style. According to the Huffington Post, Sisters-in-law Mimi Hecht and Mushky Notik, the founders of MIMU MAXI who are also Hasidic Jews, say that Many women, regardless of their religious affiliations, would cite ease and comfort as top priorities when choosing what to wear. MIMU MAXI follow the requirements of Jewish law and modest dressing, which include higher necklines, sleeves past the elbow and longer lengths, but they say they are also clothes that they want to wear. And honestly, after seeing some of the photos, I think I’d rather see women dressed like this as well. Still extremely attractive, but modest and respectful.
While Christianity seems to be losing the popularity contest in America, elsewhere in the world it’s exploding in growth. Although Iran is one of the most difficult places in the world to be a Christian, the underground house church movement there is growing rapidly. “Thousands upon thousands” of people in Iran are becoming Christians annually, according to Open Doors USA spokeswoman Emily Fuentes. In the World Magazine report, she added: “The house churches are causing such rapid growth in conversions it is unmatched by any other country in the Middle East.” According to Mohabat News, estimates suggest the underground church network could include as many as 1 million people, but Fuentes said it is difficult to accurately quantify its size. Operation World recently ranked Iran as the country with the fastest growing evangelical population in the world.
A High school baseball team has been giving naming rights for their coach’s baby after winning 14 games. According to Mashable.com, Palm Bay, Florida, coach Rob Querry promised the Heritage High School Panthers they could name his unborn child if they won 14 games. And win 14 games they did. The Panthers were a long shot to achieve their goal. When Querry proposed the deal, they hadn’t won a single game. But the desire to name a human child is a powerful one, and the Panthers pulled through with the first winning season in team history. The name they picked is “Benny Smalls” named after Scotty Smalls and Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez from the baseball movie The Sandlot. Benny is due in September.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
You have no idea how good you have it here. In (OTHER TOWN), there’s a new self-service radio station. They mail you three CDs in a row and you play ’em yourself. You mail back the CDs and they send you two commercials to read. It’s a new idea they call “listener involvement”. In (OTHER TOWN) they think way outside the box.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 08, 2016…
Before I Wake—Everyone has dreams that are fine and not so fine. In this movie, a child keeps having nightmares that eventually come true, terribly true. The cast includes Kate Bosworth, Thomas Jane and Jacob Tremblay. “Before I Wake” is rated PG 13. No rating.
The Boss—The next Melissa McCarthy comedy and this time she portrays a Martha Stewart-type character who is sent to prison for money problems. Who is supposed to run her company when she is gone? Kristen Bell also stars and the film is directed by McCarthy’s real-life husband, Ben Falcone. “The Boss” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Demolition—The title makes one think of a demolition derby, but instead, it is about a man (Jake Gyllenhaal) who has had many tragedies in his life and is trying to pull himself together. One of his letters accidentally goes to the wrong office and Naomi Watts gets it and starts taking an interest in Jake. Chris Cooper is also in the cast. “Demolition” is rated R. No rating.
Mr. Right (opening in select cities) —This is a study of manic-depression and is a comedy. Yes, Sam Rockwell is a paid assassin who falls for the manic-depressive Anna Kendrick, who starts to think she is seeing and hearing things. Tim Roth is also in the cast. “Mr. Right” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Term Life– Vince Vaughn stars in a comedy about a man who plans robberies for other people, but is now on the run. Hailee Steinfeld and Bill Paxton are also in the cast. “Term Life” is rated PG 13. No rating.
APRIL 15, 2016…
The Jungle Book is an animated adaptation of the famed book with voices of Bill Murray and Idris Elba.
Barbershop 4: The Next Cut continues the series of keeping a barbershop open. Stars Ice Cube.
Criminal stars Kevin Costner as an ex-con with implanted memories.
Everybody Wants Some!! Is a humorous sports film about college baseball in the 1980’s.
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