April 11, 2018: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180411
PDF: 20180411

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Up next, it’s the new, improved, tartar-controlled, (JOCK SHOW)!

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“I sit here all day trying to persuade people to do things they ought to have the sense to do without my persuading them. That’s all the power of the president amount to.” – Harry S. Truman

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

If we live, we live to the Lord: and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. — Romans 14:8

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. — Galatians 2:20

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. — Colossians 2:6

Thought: “New and improved!” That’s the key marketing tag to re-introduce an older product that has fallen out of the public perception. Make a few changes, then re-market the old product. Paul wants the Colossians to know that Jesus does not need to be “new and improved.” Instead, they need to follow him as Lord just as they did when they first became Christians. That is our need, too. Our lives need to be rooted and nurtured in Christ Jesus as Lord, full of thankfulness for God’s incredible gift of grace in his Son.

Prayer: Loving Father and Almighty God, thank you for the gift of your grace given to me in Jesus Christ. Forgive me when I get fascinated by what is simply new or when wanderlust hits and I want something novel. Please make my walk with Jesus fresh each day. Strengthen my appreciation that his lordship in my life will help me face the difficult circumstances along the way and greet the exciting new opportunities each day with joy, strength, hope, and power. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 John 4:11 NIV = Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – APRIL 11, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
257 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL DANDELION DAY.  ***Oooh… an entire day dedicated to pretty weeds!

Today is 8-TRACK TAPE DAY.  ***10 points if you still have 8-track tapes at home, and double points if you have a working 8-track player!  Triple points if you have your working player still hooked up to your home stereo and use it regularly!  (I’m sure a great majority of people listening have no clue whatsoever what an eight-track tape even is. Before music was available on the Internet, before you could buy music on CDs, even before music could be purchased on cassette tapes, there was the eight track tape.  The good thing about eight-track was that it could hold a lot of songs… a lot more than cassettes, and even CDs. The bad thing is that you could never rewind to get to your favorite song. Using the fast forward feature, if you missed the beginning of the song you’d have to go through the entire tape again to get back to where you wanted to be.  The eight-track tape is still in use today all over the world if you keep an eye out.  Eight-track tapes are used as drink coasters, door stops, they prop open windows, are used as clay pigeons…)

Today is BARBERSHOP QUARTET DAY.  ***Ironically, most men who like barbershop quartets today are those who’ve lost the need for a barber.  They probably still own eight-track tapes too. (audio clip)

Today is DAY OF SILENCE. ***Which is preferable to anyone singing barbershop.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Barbershop Quartet Day
International “Louie Louie” Day
National Bookmobile Day
National Pet Day
National Teach Children To Save Day
Submarine Day
World Parkinson’s Disease Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, APRIL 12

Belmont-Paul Women’s Equality Monument Day
Celebrate Teen Literature Day
D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything And Read)
Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day
International Day of Human Space Flight
International Day for Street Children
National Licorice Day
Walk on Your Wild Side Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 13

American Immigration Lawyers Association Day of Action
Blame Someone Else Day
National Donate Life (Blue and Green) Day
Make Lunch Count Day
Scrabble Day
Thomas Jefferson Day

SATURDAY, APRIL 14

American Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Baby Massage Day
Children with Alopecia Day
Dictionary Day
Global Day to End Child Sexual Abuse
International Moment of Laughter Day
National Dolphin Day
National Ex-Spouse Day
National Gardening Day
National Pecan Day
Pan American Day
Pathologists’ Assistant Day
Slow Art Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 15

Jackie Robinson Day
McDonald’s Day
One Boston Day
Rubber Eraser Day
Take a Wild Guess Day
That Sucks Day
World Art Day

MONDAY APRIL 16

Boston Marathon
Emancipation Day
Foursquare Day
National Bean Counter Day
National Health Care Decisions Day
National Orchid Day
Save The Elephant Day

TUESDAY, APRIL 17

Bat Appreciation Day
Blah! Blah! Blah! Day
Ellis Island Family History Day
Ford Mustang Day
Herbalist Day
Income Tax Pay Day
International Haiku Poetry Day
Malbec World Day
National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day
Nothing Like A Dame Day
World Hemophilia Day

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18

Adult Autism Day
International Amateur Radio Day
International Day for Monuments and Sites
National Columnists’ Day
National Lineman Appreciation Day
Pet Owners Independence Day
World Amateur Radio Day

ON THIS DAY

1868: U.S. Army Commander Ulysses S. Grant was stopped for speeding in his horse-drawn buggy. Three months later he was stopped again and fined $5.00.

1882: U.S. patent #256,265 was issued for the Block Clock. It was an alarm clock mounted over the bed that, at a set time, dropped two dozen small wood blocks on the sleeper.

1921: Iowa became the first state to impose a tax on cigarettes.

1929: Popeye made his first appearance as a supporting character in a comic strip in Hearst’s New York newspapers.

1934: At the top of Mt. Washington in New Hampshire, wind gusts up to 231 miles per hour were recorded, the strongest gusts ever measured on Earth. ***The amount of wind caused talk of changing the name from “Mount Washington” to “Mount Washington D.C.”

1956: Elvis Presley held his first recording session with the Jordanaires, cutting the single track “I Want You, I Need You, I Love You.” The same day, James Brown debuted on Billboard’s R&B chart with “Please, Please, Please.”

1961: Bob Dylan made his professional singing debut in New York City’s Greenwich Village. He sang “Blowin’ in the Wind.”

1962: The New York Mets played their first regular season game. Managed by Casey Stengel, the Mets lost their first ten games.

1970: Paul McCartney announced that he would no longer record with John Lennon. ***Beatles fans everywhere yelled out, “Get back! Get back! Get back to where you once belonged.”

1979: Rebels and exiles backed by Tanzanian forces seized control of Uganda’s government deposing the brutal dictator Idi Amin.

1981: Guitarist Eddie Van Halen and actress Valerie Bertinelli were married in Los Angeles.

1986: Kellogg’s of Battle Creek, Michigan, stopped an 80-year tradition of tours of its breakfast-food plant, believing that spies from other companies were taking the tours to steal company secrets.

1989: The U.S. issued a patent (#4,821,247) to Reginald Grooms of Conway, South Carolina, for his Ear-Mounted Alarm Clock, a digital alarm clock so tiny it can be hidden in your ear and awaken you without bothering your spouse.

1990: Astronomers at Lowell Observatory in Arizona named four asteroids after John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Starr.

1999: Florida accountant Jim Akin finished his annual count of dollar bills stapled to the walls and ceiling at McGuire’s Irish Pub & Brewery in Pensacola. Since 1977 customers had signed and stapled up 175,000 dollar bills, which every April have to be inventoried and reported to the IRS.

2003: Thieves broke into a safe and stole $1,020 — from a prison. A spokesman for Spring Hill Prison near Aylesbury, England, said the crime took place in the prison’s reception area.

2006: More than a million immigrants and their supporters in some 150 U.S. cities rallied peacefully against a congressional clampdown and possible deportations.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

627: Hilda of Whitby is baptized. One of the most influential women of the Dark Ages, she founded Whitby, discovered and promoted Caedmon (an early English poet), and trained five bishops.

1079: Stanislaus, Polish bishop of Krakow, is martyred. Whether or not he attempted to overthrow King Boleslaw II (called Boleslaw the Cruel) is debatable; he certainly excommunicated the evil king. In return, Boleslaw deemed him a traitor and had Stanislaus murdered.

1506: Pope Julius II lays the foundation for the new St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome. Builders delayed its completion until 1626 due to its immense cost, size, and other factors. Indulgences sold to fund the construction drew criticism from Protestant reformers, most memorably Martin Luther.

1567: Thomas Aquinas, the greatest Christian philosopher of the Middle Ages, is elevated to the status of Doctor of the Church.

1836: George Mueller, leader of the Plymouth Brethren movement, opens his famous orphanage on Wilson Street in Bristol. By 1875, Mueller’s orphanage provided care for over 2,000 children, a work sustained not by regular fundraising but by thousands of “answers to prayer.

1861: Sarah Platt Haines Doremus becomes the first president of the Women’s Union Missionary Society of America for Heathen Lands. She became known as the “Mother of Missions.”

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • singer/actress (Eragon, “The Tudors”) Joss Stone (full name, Joscelyn Eve Stoker), 31

  • actress (“The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe”, “Pan Am”, The Aviator, Lars and the Real Girl) Kelli Garner, 34

  • actress (Crash, “Blue Bloods”, “NCIS”, “Spin City) Jennifer Esposito, 45

  • actress (Lady Killers, Wolves of Wall Street, Mystery Men) Louise Lasser is 79

  • actor (Another Mr. Sloane/Ned Bolger on TV’s “Alias,” Chiun in Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins) Joel Grey 86 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1918 : Jimmy Lewis

1935 : Richard Berry

1943 : Tony Victor (The Classics)

1946 : Bob Harris

1954 : Chris Difford (Squeeze)

1958 : Stuart Adamson (Big Country)

1961 : Doug Hopkins (The Gin Blossoms)

1965 : Nigel Pulsford (Bush)

1966 : Lisa Stanfield

1969 : Cerys Matthews (Catalonia)

1970 : Dylan Keefe (Marcy Playground)

1979 : Sebastien Grainger (Death from Above 1979)

1987 : Joss Stone

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Painting eggs dates back to Western Europe’s 15th century. When czars ruled Russia, royal families were given Fabergé eggs as Easter gifts. Carl Fabergé created his eggs out of gold, silver and jewels from the 1880s to 1917. They opened to show tiny figures of people, animals, plants or buildings. In pre-Christian times, colored eggs were used as a calling for good spirits.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

*****NOTE: THIS FEATURE WILL BE TAKING A BREAK FROM MARCH 31 THRU APRL 16. IT WILL RETURN TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2018.*****

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

The fastest-growing demographic for plastic surgery? Senior citizens! With people living longer than ever and baby boomers entering old age, look for plastic surgery among those 65 and older to continue its remarkable growth. The New York Times reports there were 84,685 procedures last year alone. ***Happy birthday, Grandma – we bought you Kim Kardashian’s butt!

Is your belly button an innie? Then you are less healthy than people with an outie. Research shows if your belly button is an innie and not an outie, your belly button is home to at least 60 to 100 or more species of bacteria, fungi and yeasts. ***On the plus side, you never have to feel lonely.

While you haven’t showered and you’re running on two hours of sleep after an all-night Netflix streaming marathon, at least you’ve got plenty of company. A poll (by Nielsen) reveals that binge-watching is a real thing. Turns out that 88 percent of Netflix users and 70 percent of Hulu Plus users have packed three or more episodes of a TV show into a single day. ***Since when is watching three episodes of a show in the same day considered bingeing? I call that “my lunch break”.

How can you tell if someone is happy? Most of us would say by looking at the smile, listening to the laughter or seeing that unmistakable twinkle in the eye. While these are all true measures of a happy disposition, we also tell if others are happy in a much less obvious way: their scent. And we’re not talking about their choice of perfume or cologne. We mean their sweat. European researchers have demonstrated — at least in the lab — that human beings pick up on others’ positive emotions via chemicals secreted in their sweat. ***So if you want to be sure your loved one appreciates the Christmas gift you give them this year, have them expose an armpit.

Squirming in your seat, short walks and getting up to fetch a drink is good for your health. A recent study shows that obese people who spend their days slumped in a chair could boost their wellness simply by fidgeting or moving about. Just 30 minutes of light exercise a day is enough to help the heart and lungs, say researchers who examined inactive and active overweight people. Most of the volunteers were so sluggish they typically walked at 3 mph, but half an hour of easy activity was enough to give their healthier circulatory and respiratory systems. Says study leader Ashlee McGuire of Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario, Canada: “If we just increase our incidental activity slightly a little more housework or walking down the hall to speak to a co-worker instead of sending an e-mail we can really benefit our health in the long run.” ***I’m giving this a try. When I watch YouTube videos now I’m also twiddling my thumbs.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals were so scared of a giant-footed monster (a monster that no one had ever really seen, but assumed existed because they saw the footprints) that they’ve all decided to pack up their belongings, and sell everything they own to make it easier to run away!

CLOSE: Who’s going to buy furniture from a skunk? Not without a LOT of Febreeze, at least. And now all of the jungle animals have just as much junk as they started with, they’re still in the jungle, and there is still a giant-footed creature on the loose that nobody has seen! Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Self-defense classes are pretty popular – just make sure you’re not taking a class in Tai Kwon DUH!
It’s not Tai Kwon Do, it’s Tai Kwon DUH!  Aarti Rishi, a 20-year-old first-degree black belt, was substituting for the regular Sensei at a Dojo in Bayonne, New Jersey. Guess she thought she’d be a show off and instructed one of the students to shoot an arrow at her. She was supposed to catch it with her hand. Instead she caught it with her left eye! The regular Sensei, Chris Cherchio, said had he been there, he never would have allowed such stunt adding, “That’s not the kind of school we run.” In the meantime, Aarti’s going to be all right… as long as you consider going throughout the rest of your life with just one eye all right!

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS TO CHANGE YOUR HAIR COLOR

10. You already lied about your weight on your driver’s license; there’s no reason that anything else should be completely accurate.

9. Gunmetal grey just isn’t as fetching as it may sound.

8. Last resort! Hopefully the aliens won’t recognize you.

7. Last Halloween some kid tried to carve a jack-o-lantern in your head.

6. It clashes with your iPod.

5. You’ve always wanted to be a twin, but all you’ve got is a parrot.

4. Bright purple hair still looks dark brown on black and white security cameras in convenience stores.

3. So you can stand out as an individual, just like everyone else.

2. Anything is better than your current shade of “clear.”

1. You’re the ditzy, talentless younger sister tired of being mistaken for your ditzy, talentless older sister.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Who needs a semi-automatic when you have an ice scraper?

FILE #1: In Cedar Rapids, Iowa, Derdre Rodriguez chased down a burglar and held him at bay with an unusual weapon of choice — an ice scraper. She told officers that when she came home, she heard someone jump out of a back window. She then saw 16-year-old Jake Merfeld running across the yard, carrying jewelry, cell phones and a video game. So she chased him down and when she caught him, hit him on top of the head with the ice scraper and he surrendered. She then made the teen boy pick up the property he dropped while trying to escape. He was treated for a cut on his head, now faces a second-degree burglary charge.

FILE #2: There is such a thing as getting too tough on crime — like when we throw common sense out the window and start treating our good citizens like bank robbers — over an obvious mistake. Thus was the fate of Tom Sturgis in Cleveland, Ohio. Tom had gone grocery shopping and paid $157.20 at one of those self-checkout counter. Problem was that he forgot to ring up the case of sodas he had under his cart and was walking out of the store when security asked to see his receipt. When Tom realized his mistake, he offered to gladly go back to the line and pay for the sodas. But the security guard refused and told Tom that the situation was similar to a bank robbery! So they called police and Tom was charged with petty theft.

FILE #3: Note to self: When robbing banks, taxis don’t make good getaway vehicles. Police in East Point, Georgia, easily caught Marcus Chisholm after he called a taxi to take him to and from the Sun Trust bank branch that he allegedly robbed. The cab driver gave officers Chisholm’s address and identified him in the bank’s surveillance video. Police picked Chisholm up at his apartment a few hours after the robbery.

STRANGE LAW: Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown in Florida.  And thank goodness for that.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A Vallejo, California, couple promised to take each other for better or for worse. The worse part came a lot sooner than they expected.
A fight broke out at their wedding party and when police returned for a second time they treated both the groom and his cousin to a toast with a Taser. The bride and groom spent their wedding night in jail after officers took this man and this woman to be their lawfully arrested inmates – he for resisting arrest, she for public intoxication.

PHONER PHUN

What’s the dumbest thing that you and your significant other have fought over?  One Orange County, FL woman stabbed her husband after a fight over hot dogs for dinner!  That’s pretty frivolous!  What’s the silliest thing you and your significant argued about?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was the name of the secretary that wrote the book of Romans for Paul?
ANSWER: Tertius (Romans 16:22 = “I Tertius, who wrote this epistle, salute you in the Lord.”)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was Kelly’s last-name in “Saved by the Bell”?
ANSWER: Kapowski (audio clip)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Electric refrigerators were first sold to American housewives in 1916, at a cost of $90. (False – $900!)

2. In 1956, 80% of all U.S. households had a refrigerator, but only 8% of British households had one. (True)

3. The country whose residents eat at sit down restaurants the least is Hong Kong. (False – Russia. Russians eat at restaurants an average of 0.3 meals per month. Residents of Hong Kong eat out at sit down restaurants the most at 8.7 meals per month.)

4. Women’s hearts beat faster than men’s. (True)

5. When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit. (True)

6. Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets. (True)

7. Bubble gum contains rubber. (True)

8. You can only smell 1/10th as well as a dog. (False – 1/20th)

9. In high school, Robin Williams was voted “Most Likely to Succeed.” (False – he was voted “Least Likely to Succeed”)

10. Only 85% of all Americans know that the sun is a star. (False – worse, it’s only 55% that know.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

SNOWMAN ATTACKS _____ IN MOSCOW (TRAIN)

A snowman jumped in front of a moving train!

Passenger train “Moscow – Novy Urengoy” had to make an emergency stop in the Kirov region, after the train ran over a snowman. The snowman “emerged” on the tracks. The collision resulted in a technical malfunction for the locomotive. The train continued traveling as soon as the malfunction was fixed.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, “I am a taxi driver from New York City.”
The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the minister steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water.
The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, “That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?”
The angel replies, “Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray.”

JOKE #2

Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger mellowed, and I decided to give the driver another chance.

During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver’s windshield: “Please don’t take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don’t say I never towed you!”

JOKE #3

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.”

The doctor says, “OK. Touch your elbow.”

The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.

The doctor, surprised, says “Touch your head.”

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts terribly. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says “We’ve found your problem.”

“Oh yeah? What is it?”

“You’ve broken your finger!”

USELESS FACTS

A survey of Glamour Magazine readers resulted in 50% of Glamour readers saying they would throw a “divorce party.”  ***Which is even more shallow than actually reading Glamour Magazine.

A skin care clinic in Bangkok, Thailand, was raided by the Public Health Ministry for allegedly prescribing superglue as an acne remover.  ***Good call; I’d think Super Glue would make your zits more permanent.

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE PERFECT EMPLOYEE

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2. hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without

3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always

5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10. classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be

11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13. executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

WHAT QUALIFIES AS A LEGITIMATE TAX DEDUCTION?
Here are some actual tax deductions from a firm in Cupertino, California

  • A San Jose couple donated a halibut to the Salvation Army. The wife caught it while on an Alaskan vacation. They claimed the fish weighed 700 pounds, and at the market price of $7.99 a pound, they paid for their vacation with the write-off.

  • A father deducted the cost of a musical instrument and lessons for his son, who played the clarinet to help correct an overbite.

  • A cat owner deducted the cost of the kitty because it was trained to alert its hearing-impaired master to unusual sounds.

  • How about childbirth-damaged carpet? Nobody gave birth on it, but a woman who conducted Lamaze classes in her family room claimed pregnant women were wearing out the carpet during their exercises.

  • A paraplegic’s doctor recommended swimming as therapy, so the woman built a glamorous pool with water-spouting cupid statues. The IRS allowed a $70,000 deduction, including five grand for the cupids.

  • One man wrote off a wig. He bought the rug to relieve his mental stress of going bald.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

A TRUE STORY OF COURAGE AND LOVE
David L. Kuzminski
Walking down a path through some woods in Georgia, I saw a water puddle ahead on the path. I angled my direction to go around it on the part of the path that wasn’t covered by water and mud. As I reached the puddle, I was suddenly attacked!  Yet I did nothing for the attack was so unpredictable and from a source so totally unexpected.
I was startled as well as unhurt, despite having been struck four or five times already. I backed up a foot and my attacker stopped attacking me. Instead of attacking more, he hovered in the air on graceful butterfly wings in front of me. Had I been hurt I wouldn’t have found it amusing, but I was unhurt, it was funny,
and I was laughing. After all, I was being attacked by a butterfly!
Having stopped laughing, I took a step forward. My attacker rushed me again.
He rammed me in the chest with his head and body, striking me over and over again with all his might, still to no avail.
For a second time, I retreated a step while my attacker relented in his attack. Yet again, I tried moving forward. My attacker charged me again. I was rammed in the chest over and over again. I wasn’t sure what to do, other than to retreat a third time. After all, it’s just not everyday that one is attacked by a butterfly. This time, though, I stepped back several paces to look the situation over. My attacker moved back as well to land on the ground. That’s when I discovered why my attacker was charging me only moments earlier. He had a mate and she was dying. She was beside the puddle where he landed. Sitting close beside her, he opened and closed his wings as if to fan her. I could only admire the love and courage of that butterfly in his concern for his mate. He had taken it upon himself to attack me for his mate’s sake, even though she was clearly dying and I was so large. He did so just to give her those extra few precious moments of life, should I have been careless enough to step on her.
Now I knew why and what he was fighting for. There was really only one option left for me. I carefully made my way around the puddle to the other side of the path, though it was only inches wide and extremely muddy. His courage in attacking something thousands of times larger and heavier than himself just for
his mate’s safety justified it. I couldn’t do anything other than reward him by walking on the more difficult side of the puddle. He had truly earned those moments to be with her, undisturbed. left them in peace for those last few moments, cleaning the mud from my boots when I later reached my car.
Since then, I’ve always tried to remember the courage of that butterfly whenever I see huge obstacles facing me.
I use that butterfly’s courage as an inspiration and to remind myself that good things are worth fighting for.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE GLORIOUS SUNSET
M. R. De Haan, M.D.
Read: Psalm 71:9-18
At evening time it shall happen that it will be light. – Zechariah 14:7
It is wonderful to be young, with clear sight, acute hearing, elastic step, pulses drumming to the march of exhilarating health. But old age has glories that youth cannot know. It is a blessed old age indeed if it ends brightly at evening time.
Old age celebrates the harvest—youth the sowing. Like fruit in the fall, the harvest of old age will either dry up and wither, or grow mellow and sweeter as it ripens.
You cannot escape the advancing years. Youth stays long enough only to strengthen our shoulders for the burdens ahead. Life leads inevitably to the evening time. But the best things are the oldest things—things that have endured and stood the test of time. God Himself—though not bound by time—is called the Ancient of Days (Daniel 7:9).
So don’t be ashamed to own your age. Everything that abides must become old: mountains, rivers, oceans, stars.
But the evening time of life can be bright only if we have the One who is the Light as our evening Sun. Nothing is sadder than an aging person facing eternity without Jesus. And nothing is sweeter than a gently mellowing Christian, still growing and resting in Christ as he faces God’s tomorrow with confidence.

So I journey with rejoicing
Toward the city of God’s light,
While each day my joy is deeper,
And the pathway grows more bright. —Hoffman

It is a strange thing that, while all would live long, none would be old. —Benjamin Franklin

LEFTOVERS

PAIN IN THE NECK
Ever have an ache in your body, but are not sure how you hurt yourself? A woman from Yonkers, New York, dealt with a pain in her neck for three days before finally seeing a doctor. The doctor found the source of the pain…

… a bullet! Apparently she had been shot in the neck, but was not aware of it! The 23-year-old woman, whose name was not made public, told police she began feeling pain, and noticed a small amount of blood. Four days later she went to the hospital because the pain had not subsided. An X-ray revealed a small caliber bullet lodged in her neck. Detectives and the woman are still trying to figure out when she was shot. ***MARLAR: How would you like to have this lady’s tolerance for pain? This lady gets shot and doesn’t even realize it for four days! I cry like a baby if I stub my toe on the coffee table in the middle of the night!

LIFE… LIVE IT

If you want to lose weight, you might want to skip the gym and hit the hay.

French researchers now say that an extra hour of sleep could be the key to losing weight. Of course, it still makes sense to make time for exercise and you still need a good diet, but after going over some 30 previous studies, the researchers noticed a link between weight gain and lack of sleep. There are two key hormones in our bodies that regulate the fat. Grehlin makes people hungry, slows metabolism and decreases the body’s ability to burn body fat, and leptin regulates fat storage. When we lose sleep, we lose appetite-cutting leptin and gain appetite-causing grehlin. Of course, the best time to start the habit of getting a good night’s sleep and fighting off obesity is when you’re young and the researchers say that each extra hour of sleep cuts a child’s risk of becoming overweight by nine percent.

JUST FOR FUN

TIME TRAVELING CHIROPRACTOR
Do you think he requires a Delorian traveling 88 miles per hour?
In Athens, Ohio, a chiropractor who claims he can treat anyone by going back in time to when an injury occurred has attracted the attention of state regulators. Now a hearing has been scheduled for James Burda who has been accused of being “unable to practice chiropractic according to acceptable and prevailing standards of care due to mental illness, specifically, Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type.” But James says he’s not mentally ill — it’s just that he possesses a skill he discovered by accident while driving six years ago. He calls his treatment “Bahlaqeem” — basically a made up word — and charges nothing for his first “visit,” usually by phone or Internet. Subsequent treatments are $60. He also offers a money back guarantee and says he’s treated hundreds of patients and reports nine out of 10 patients are satisfied.  ***MARLAR: This is a total sham.  If you discovered that you somehow had the ability to travel back and forth through time, would your first idea be, “Saaaay… I could place people’s spines back into alignment!”?  Of course not – you’d immediately go after the Power Ball numbers. (audio clip)

FUN LIST

TAX RELIEF

From the folks at Hallmark.com and their creation, Maxine the Queen of Crabbiness, here are 10 ways to ensure you get audited by the IRS…

  • Pay in pennies (delivered by sling slot).

  • Deduct calls made to the Psychic Network in an attempt to get winning PowerBall numbers.

  • Claim your cat as a dependent.

  • Claim charitable deductions that equal more than your income.

  • On the line that asks what you made this year, answer “Trouble.”

  • Deduct adoption costs associated with adopting a new personality.

  • Claim a home office deduction based on all the in-home counseling you give to friends and family.

  • Wait till the last minute and copy the numbers from the guy standing next to you in line at the post office.

  • Fill out your forms in yellow crayon.

  • Detail 11,215 Internet stock trades — and claim you came out exactly even.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR SPEEDING (PEOPLE USE THESE, BUT THEY PROBABLY WON’T WORK FOR YOU!)

The top ten excuses for speeding, according to a Georgia State Trooper: (so if you NEED an excuse, try to come up with something other than one of these…)

1. I just didn’t realize it.

2. I was traveling with the flow of traffic.

3. I was passing someone.

4. My speedometer must be wrong.

5. But I had my cruise control set at such and such.

6. Your radar must be wrong.

7. Running late for something.

8. I’m on vacation.

9. I was trying to get to a rest room.

10. This is someone else’s car.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

If you are one of the 35 percent of adults who have trouble falling asleep, try a simple, 10-minute “Tension Tamer” routine developed by physicians at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, MD. Just before you go to bed, close your eyes and mentally focus on a serene and inviting place — that is, your happy place. For example, it could be waves softly crashing on a sunny beach or a cool, quiet lake surrounded by trees gently blowing in a spring breeze. While you’re in your happy place, breathe slowly and deeply. Feel the tension lift. This technique was tested by Dr. Arn Eliasson, a research consultant with the Integrative Cardiac Health Project, a health promotion and cardiac risk reduction program at Walter Reed. 65 percent of the study participants improved their perceived level of stress with the “Tension Tamer” routine, although 34 percent reported worse levels of stress. Those whose stress improved also had significant improvement in sleep quality, including taking less time to fall asleep and experiencing less daytime fatigue.

Hungry? Grab a handful of nuts. It doesn’t matter if it’s peanuts or pistachios. People who snack on any kind of nut are 20 percent less likely to die from any cause, according to researchers from the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, Brigham and Women’s Hospital and the Harvard School of Public Health. And that’s not all! People who eat nuts regularly are also thinner than those who don’t eat them, a finding that should alleviate the widespread worry that eating a lot of nuts will lead to weight gain. Overall, those who eat nuts daily have a 20 percent reduction in death from all causes. Specifically, there is a reduction of 29 percent in deaths from heart disease and an 11 percent reduction in deaths from cancer.

The more education you have, the greater your stress at work. Specifically, highly-educated individuals who hold a master’s degree or doctorate, are not only dealing with complex workplace problems, but also have more difficulty balancing work and home life, according to a study by GfK Custom Research North America. BusinessNewsDaily reports this is bad news for employers, since these workers suffer from high levels of stress that result in high turnover of what are arguably the most-valued members of a company’s staff. “They are just under a huge amount of stress,” Thomas Hartley, vice president of GfK Customer Loyalty and Employee Engagement, told BusinessNewsDaily. “It is really important that companies are aware that a third of their employees could be feeling like that.”

Eating in front of the TV makes you snack more later, a study in the journal Appetite reports. Female volunteers ate lunch one day while watching the tube and one day away from it. When offered cookies several hours after each meal, the women ate 20% more post-telly session. TV watching may cause you to space about what you ate, leading to overeating, says lead study author Suzanne Higgs, Ph.D., of the University of Birmingham in England. Can’t avoid distractions? Snap a cell photo of your meal and refer to it before you slip into snack mode.

Here is a real nail biter. Medical experts are no longer saying chewing your fingernails is a bad habit, it’s now a mental disorder. Millions of people just cannot help biting their nails painfully down to the quick and that classifies them as someone who has a full-fledged obsessive-compulsive disorder, the American Psychiatric Association announced in their latest issue of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. That puts nail biting right up there with such OCD habits as repetitive hand washing and hair pulling. The mental disease is characterized by unreasonable thoughts and fears that lead to such repetitive behavior. But do not fret if you know someone who occasionally nibbles on their nails it is only worrisome if the action becomes destructive, including damaging the hands or triggering repeated infections, say the experts. “As with hair pulling and skin picking, nail biting is not a disorder unless it is impairing, distressing, and meets a certain clinical level of severity,” notes psychiatrist Dr. Carol Mathews, of the University of California, San Francisco. “That is not the vast majority of nail biters.”

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

The sight of a terrified little girl about to have an MRI scan gave Doug Dietz a different perspective on his work as an industrial designer at GE Healthcare — and led to a project that has turned imaging departments at 27 children’s hospitals into small theme parks. The idea was to transform a frightening medical test into a voyage on a spaceship, a visit to a pirate island and other adventures. Imaging departments became elaborate sets. Technicians became amateur actors with scripts. And children were given starring roles. As a result of the change, technicians say children are now excited about the tests rather than frightened.
http://archive.jsonline.com/business/by-turning-medical-scans-into-adventures-ge-eases-childrens-fears-b99647870z1-366161191.html/

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

You have no idea how good you have it here.  In (OTHER TOWN), there’s a new self-service radio station. They mail you three CDs in a row and you play ’em yourself.  You mail back the CDs and they send you two commercials to read.  It’s a new idea they call “listener involvement”.  In (OTHER TOWN) they think way outside the box.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


APRIL 06, 2018…

You Were Really Here—This film is a thriller taken from the novella by Jonathan Ames.  It is about trying to find a young woman (Ekaterina Samsonod) who has been kidnapped and forced into the sex trade. A detective (Joaquin Phoenix) tries to find her. Someone is just one step ahead of Joaquin. Also in the cast is John Doman. “You Were Really Here” is rated R. No rating.

Blockers—A comedy, starring John Cena, and about parents who try to prevent their teen-age daughters from that first date of going all the way. The parents do a covert operation and follow the girls.  The cast includes Lesley Mann,  Kathryn Newton, Gary Cole and Gina Gershon. “Blockers” is rated PG-13 No rating.

A Quiet Place—John Krasinski stars, wrote, and directs this film that also has his wife, Emily Blunt, as one of the cast.  It is a combination thriller-/horror film about a family whose house is invaded by strangers that hunt by sound.  What to do and just how quiet can you keep, anyway? Also in the cast are Noah Jupe and Millicent Simmonds. “A Quiet Place” is rated R. No rating.

The Endless—A horror film with another actor, Justin Benson, who wrote/directs/and stars in his film. Not much information given, but other cast members include Aaron Moorhead, Callie Hernandez and Lew Temple. “The Endless” is rated R. No rating.

Paul: An Apostle (also called The Apostle Paul)—This film is opening slowly around the country. It stars James Faulkner (“Downton Abbey”) as Paul, and a great part of the film has Paul in prison during the time Nero is Emperor. Hence, the persecution of Christians and doubts within the new church as to what to do amid all the problems they are encountering. Jim Caviezel plays Luke, a physician here, and a friend of Paul, who attempts to help him in prison. Other characters include a Roman soldier and a sick child. The early church, had its problems, and how it managed to continue is thought-provoking. “Paul: An Apostle” is rated PG 13 for violence. Rating of 2.

APRIL 13, 2018…

 Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero is a real life canine hero of WWI and he is a Boston terrier. Human star is Logan Lerman.

The Rider is based on a true story of a professional rodeo rider who overcomes difficulties.

Miracle Season is based on the true story of the Iowa City West High School  Girls  Volleyball team. Stars Erin Moriarity.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.