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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180412
PDF: 20180412
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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I asked the boss what I could do to improve my show. When I walked out of his office he was still talking.
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“The pay is good and I can walk to work.” – John F. Kennedy
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. –Psalm 62:7
Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought. — Jeremiah 17:7-8
Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. — 1 Peter 2:11
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
(From VerseOfTheDay.com)
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. — Philippians 4:5
Thought: Extravagant over-reaction! That’s what we’re programmed to seek and to display in our modern world of sound bytes and over-hyped personality. But gentleness, that moderating grace in the midst of chaos and conflict, is so vital to bring the peace of God to conflict-laden churches, families, and relationships. How can we be gentle, how can we restrain from over-reacting to the wounds, offenses, and slights that come our way? The Lord is near! He is our vindication. He is our example. He is our comfort. He is our hope. He is our strength. He is near. We are not alone and our destiny, reputation, and value are not up to us to establish or to defend.
Prayer: O LORD, my Father God, please be ever near me as I seek to be your person of character in the middle of the chaos and conflict around me. I ask that your presence be made known and that my character reflect that presence in all that I do and say today, each day that follows. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
1 John 4:12 NIV = No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
TODAY IS THURSDAY – APRIL 12, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 256 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is SPAM THE INTERNET DAY. On this day in 1994, the Internet became commercial when two authors spammed 6,000 Usenet newsgroups with a commercial ad. ***Thanks a lot, guys.
Today is EAT ALL YOUR SNACKS BEFORE THE MOVIE EVEN STARTS DAY. ***I hate when that happens. I cannot watch a movie without a giant Mr. Pibb and a big box of Milk Duds – but I always wait until the movie starts before I dig into the Duds. My wife, on the other hand, eats ALL of her popcorn during the trailers and then forces me to go get more. I have to leave the theatre – and by the time I come back the movie has already started; I’m completely lost with the plot, and I can’t find my wife because it’s so dark and I end up sitting next to some other guy sitting in the back of the theatre who can’t find his wife either.
Speaking of movie snacks – today is HOT DOG DAY as well as NATIONAL LICORICE DAY. ***Would you believe there are so many different kinds of licorice that they actually have a Licorice of the Month Club? Makes you wonder if there’s a hot dog flavored licorice. Can’t be any more disgusting than black licorice.
Today is INTERNATIONAL TEENS AGAINST ZITS DAY. ***Now this is the best example of a complete waste of a holiday if I’ve ever seen one. International Teens Against Zits Day? Can you describe a time when a teenager (or anyone else for that matter) was NOT against zits?
Today is THANK YOU SCHOOL LIBRARIAN DAY. ***I’m telling you, without that Dewey Decimal System, I’d probably have ended up in a much worse and lower paying job… like maybe being a radio station’s Program Director.
Speaking of our station management, today is NATIONAL TAP DANCE PARTY DAY. ***When it comes to tap dancing, our General Manager here at the station is phenomenal. I asked him for a raise just last week, and you should have seen the tap dancing he did around the answer! Amazing! Oh yeah… and speaking of our boss… today is BIG WIND DAY too.
This is NATIONAL GARDEN WEEK. ***And if dandelions count as flowers, I have the most beautiful garden in the neighborhood!
Today is VOTE LAWYERS OUT OF OFFICE DAY. ***How many lawyer jokes are there? Actually, there are only three… the rest are all true stories.
TODAY IS ALSO…
Belmont-Paul Women’s Equality Monument Day
Celebrate Teen Literature Day
D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything And Read)
Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day
International Day of Human Space Flight
International Day for Street Children
National Licorice Day
Walk on Your Wild Side Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
FRIDAY, APRIL 13
American Immigration Lawyers Association Day of Action
Blame Someone Else Day
National Donate Life (Blue and Green) Day
Make Lunch Count Day
Scrabble Day
Thomas Jefferson Day
SATURDAY, APRIL 14
American Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Baby Massage Day
Children with Alopecia Day
Dictionary Day
Global Day to End Child Sexual Abuse
International Moment of Laughter Day
National Dolphin Day
National Ex-Spouse Day
National Gardening Day
National Pecan Day
Pan American Day
Pathologists’ Assistant Day
Slow Art Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 15
Jackie Robinson Day
McDonald’s Day
One Boston Day
Rubber Eraser Day
Take a Wild Guess Day
That Sucks Day
World Art Day
MONDAY APRIL 16
Boston Marathon
Emancipation Day
Foursquare Day
National Bean Counter Day
National Health Care Decisions Day
National Orchid Day
Save The Elephant Day
TUESDAY, APRIL 17
Bat Appreciation Day
Blah! Blah! Blah! Day
Ellis Island Family History Day
Ford Mustang Day
Herbalist Day
Income Tax Pay Day
International Haiku Poetry Day
Malbec World Day
National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day
Nothing Like A Dame Day
World Hemophilia Day
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18
Adult Autism Day
International Amateur Radio Day
International Day for Monuments and Sites
National Columnists’ Day
National Lineman Appreciation Day
Pet Owners Independence Day
World Amateur Radio Day
THURSDAY, APRIL 19
Bicycle Day
Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Action Day
Get to Know Your Customers Day
John Parker Day
National Garlic Day
National Hanging Out Day
National Ask An Atheist Day
National D.A.R.E. Day
National Stress Awareness Day
Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day
ON THIS DAY
1833: Charles Gayler of New York City patented the fireproof safe. ***And if you had money to burn, you could afford it!
1861: The U.S. Civil War began. ***Although calling it “civil” is a complete misstatement.
1862: Union volunteers stole a Confederate train near Marietta, Georgia, but were later caught. ***Well, duh — like it would be hard to follow the tracks.
1892: The citizens of Lockport, New York, became the first people to cast ballots using a voting machine. ***The recounts still have not been completed.
1939: Woody Herman’s orchestra recorded the big band classic “Woodchopper’s Ball.”
1954: In New York City Bill Haley & the Comets recorded “Thirteen Women” and “(We’re Gonna) Rock Around the Clock” for Decca Records.
1967: Jim Brown made his TV acting debut on NBC’s “I Spy,” which starred Bill Cosby and Robert Culp. “I Spy” was the first TV series with a black co-star. (audio clip)
1972: The first Fan Fair opened in Nashville. Almost no fans came to see Loretta Lynn, Porter Wagoner, Roy Acuff, Minnie Pearl, Ernest Tubb, and Bill Monroe. ***Sounds like the first Fan Fair was more like a Fan Unfair!
1985: Kevin “Catfish” McCarthy set a world record by completing a 341-hour shower at Buffalo State College. That’s 14.2 days in the shower. ***He then walked out of the dorm to go to class… and it rained on him.
1985: Scientists said they had measured the exact distance between the earth and the sun to within a couple of inches. ***And we needed to have that exact measurement because?
1990: An 8-foot alligator strolled into a store in Spring Hill, Florida, and attacked a vacuum cleaner. ***I’m guessing he got upset after running the vacuum over that one piece of lint over and over again without picking it up… it makes me attack the vacuum too.
1995: Marcello Pagliacci of Taranto, Italy, returned a winning lottery ticket to a deaf and mute boy who thought it was worthless and threw it away. The ticket was worth 100-million lire or $59,000. ***The boy was speechless.
1995: On “Late Night with David Letterman,” actress Drew Barrymore jumped on Dave’s desk, did a bump and grind, opened her blouse, and flashed the host.
1997: Italian firemen punched through two layers of bulletproof glass to rescue the Holy Shroud of Turin from a ferocious fire at the 15th Century Turin Cathedral.
1998: A federal appeals court in San Francisco awarded the rights to the record “Louie Louie” to the Kingsmen, the group that recorded it in 1963. The court agreed that the group had missed out on decades of royalties on the top-selling record.
1999: A 75-year-old German war veteran apologized to an 87-year-old French woman for stealing her ham during the war in 1944. Hans Kupperfahrenberg said he was retreating in Normandy and was starving, but he never felt right about stealing Louise Marie’s ham. ***So 55 years later, he returned to Normandy, and gave the ham back to her. Bon appetite! (Actually stopped by and purchased a new ham for her.)
2002: An armed robber held up a shopkeeper in Amsterdam and told the victim he’d wait for the police in a nearby park. A half hour later, the robber got tired of waiting and walked to the police station and gave himself up. He had to show his gun before police believed him. Police said the 38-year-old robber was homeless and wanted to be arrested so he had somewhere warm and dry to sleep.
2004: Barry Bonds hit his 660th home run to tie Willie Mays for third on baseball’s career homer list.
2005: Thousands turned out at a Shanghai city park for the Pig Olympics. The trained pigs, a midget species from Thailand, raced over hurdles, jumped through hoops, dove and swam in shows twice a day. The shows proved popular because most residents of the large Chinese city had few opportunities to see pigs in action.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1204: The armies of the Fourth Crusade captured Constantinople and established the Latin Empire.
1572: French-born Swiss reformer Theodore Beza (John Calvin’s successor) wrote in a letter to Scottish reformer John Knox: “They whose citizenship is in heaven ought to have their whole dependence on heaven.”
1799: The Church Missionary Society was organized in London under the original name of the Society for Missions in Africa and the East. This Anglican missions agency currently works in fields located in Africa, Ceylon, India, Pakistan, Iran, Palestine and the Far East.
1850: Adoniram Judson, pioneer Baptist missionary to India and Burma, and Bible translator, dies during a sea voyage. He and his wife, Ann, were the foremost American missionary heroes of their day.
1882: The Evangelical Reformed Church in Northwest Germany was created by royal decree when the king of Prussia ordered the 124 “reformed” congregations scattered throughout the area to become incorporated as an independent territorial church.
1914: An 11-day constitutional convention in Hot Springs, Arkansas, ended. During its sessions, the Assemblies of God denomination was founded.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (Terminator 3, The Rainmaker, Romeo & Juliet, Little Women) Claire Danes 39
- actress (“House”, “Once Upon a Time”) Jennifer Morrison, 39
- actress (Alexandra Hudson on TV’s “North Shore,” Prue Halliwell on TV’s “Charmed,” Brenda Walsh on TV’s “Beverly Hills 90210”) Shannen Doherty 47 (audio clip)
- actor-writer (The Untouchables, Ocean’s Eleven, Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen, The Godfather Part 3) Andy Garcia 63
- TV talker David Letterman is 71 (audio clip)
- actor (“The Wonder Years) Dan Lauria, 71
- actor (“Modern Family”, Governor Eric Baker in TV’s “The West Wing,” Al Bundy on TV’s “Married With Children”) Ed O’Neill 72 (audio clip)
BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1909 : Lionel Hampton
1916 : Russ Garcia
1917 : Helen Forrest
1919 : Billy Vaughn
1921 : Shakey Jake Harris
1925 : Ned Miller
1930 : Tiny Tim
1938 : Judy Lynn
1940 : Al Jarreau
1940 : Herbie Hancock
1942 : Larry Ramos (The Association)
1944 : John Kay (Steppenwolf)
1950 : David Cassidy
1951 : Alexander Briley (The sailor from Village People)
1956 : Herbert Grönemeyer
1957 : Vince Gill
1958 : Will Sergeant (Echo And The Bunnymen)
1962 : Art Alexakis (Everclear)
1964 : Amy Ray (Indigo Girls)
1970 : Nicholas Lofton Hexum (311)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Why do we wear new clothes for Easter?
Wearing new clothing on Easter originated in 300 A.D. with the first Christian emperor, Constantine, who declared that his court members should wear their finest clothes on Easter. New clothes also signify new beginnings. In early times, people who were baptized at the Easter Vigil dressed in white robes, which they would wear throughout the week to symbolize their new life.
NEWS KICKERS
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
*****NOTE: THIS FEATURE WILL BE TAKING A BREAK FROM MARCH 31 THRU APRL 16. IT WILL RETURN TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2018.*****
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Hey, ladies… if your hubby has been letting himself go a bit lately, here’s why — men give up trying to be trendy and cool at the age of 46. Most say they’re not in great shape anymore and have stopped worrying about how they look, and a third of guys could care less about the health implications of what they eat. ***In other words, I’ve been 46-years-old since the age of twelve.
For years people who doodle during meetings were considered to be not paying attention or daydreaming. But now researchers are telling us that doodling can be a sign of creativity and deeper thought on the subject at hand than those who don’t doodle. One study found that people who doodle can remember a higher percentage of what was talked about that those who don’t doodle. ***I don’t really have anything to add to this story… I just like saying the word doodle cuz it’s a funny word.
It could be that how fat you are is determined not just by what you put in your stomach, but also by what’s already there. Researchers found that fat people — and fat mice, for that matter — have more of a particular kind of bacteria in their gut than skinny mice and skinny people do. They’re not sure if more of the bacteria makes you fat — or if fat people grow more of the bacteria. But the lead author of the study in the journal “Nature” says it appears that a “microbial component” may contribute to obesity. ***That’s right… I’m not a glutton, I just have a bacterial infection!
Have you seen the TV ads that show people talking about how they send in their old gold jeweler and receive wads of cash? Well, consumer watch-dog groups warn thatCash4Gold may promise to give you cash for your gold, but it’s a scam. We are being told that unknowing customers are getting only pennies on the dollar for their gold. You would better off going down to your local jewelry store and selling it face to face. ***Or you can donate it to the radio station – come on down!
A guy in England (Nottingham) has the biggest collection of Smurf memorabilia in the world — some 1,200 items. ***And in answer to your other question, yes – of course he still lives with his mother.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were frantically trying to sell all of their possessions so they could run away from the jungle to escape a giant-footed creature that nobody has really even seen yet – just footprints. And the sales were so great, that everyone bought everyone else’s stuff, so now all of the animals have just as much stuff as they started with! Except one animal… who’s still working on his sign!
CLOSE: I’m sure Millard is just kidding about that. That is one smart skunk! Tune in again next time for more of our story, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
A spelling error spells embarrassment for one Illinois college basketball team.
A great Moment of Duh from 2002. At Western Illinois University, not one basketball team member had noticed, for several games, and after appearing in uniform in their media guide, and then not until someone pointed it out to them, that “Illinois,” emblazoned across their white home team tops, was misspelled “I-L-L-I-N-I-O-S.”
TOP TEN
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE GOLF MORE EXCITING
10. Each foursome has to have a minister, a priest and a rabbi…that ALWAYS turns out funny!
9. Replace caddies with WWF Wrestlers.
8 Audi twin turbo, four-wheel drive golf carts!!!!
7. New rule: One in six golf balls must actually be a tiny piniata filled with Tootsie Rolls.
6. Give all the golfers real tough sounding names like “Sabre Tooth” Tiger Woods or “Black” Jack Nicklaus.
5. Spectators who applaud with that annoying “golf clap” are forced to become “goalie” for next hole.
4. Combine it with sharpshooting. (It worked for skiing!!)
3. In addition to the water hazards and sand traps throw in some snake pits.
2. Deduct 2 strokes from your final score for each opponent hit with the ball from over 50 yards away
1. Lakes … BORING; Lava … INTERESTING!
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Have a court date for a hearing about you allegedly stealing a car? Don’t have transportation? Steal a car!
FILE #1: Miami’s Thomas Mink did exactly that. With his court date looming and not having transportation, Thomas decided to forego the bus, the taxi and even hitchhiking and decided to get to his car theft hearing by stealing a car. Seeing as God is a just God, the Mercedes Thomas stole was outfitted with a GPS tracking system. The company that monitors the tracking device alerted Miami police after the car’s owner reported the vehicle stolen. Officers tracked the car to the courthouse parking lot where Thomas was reportedly about to drive away. Several squad cars blocked his exit and, not surprisingly, Thomas told a television news crew during his arrest that he was high at the time.
FILE #2: When a 27-year-old Winnipeg man ran out of gas, he decided to flag down a police cruiser for help in pushing his van out of the way of traffic. Police obliged and quickly discovered the motorist had a suspended license. Upon further investigation, cops found an undisclosed amount of crack cocaine and crystal meth and a weapon in the vehicle. To make matters worse, officers also discovered that the other man with him was wanted on an arrest warrant and busted him, too.
FILE #3: A 29-year-old German man snuck over to his neighbor’s apartment and tried to break in by prying open a lock with his credit card. It didn’t work. The card snapped in half leaving behind his name and account details for the police.
STRANGE LAW: In Morrisville, Pennsylvania, woman must have a permit to wear cosmetics.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
Ever heard of a drunk driver pulling over a police officer?
In all his years patrolling the streets of Vernon, Vermont, Police Chief Ian McCollin has pulled over plenty of drunk drivers. However, he just had the tables turned on him. While heading south on Route 142 he was flagged down by another motorist. As he slowed down to help the man, Chief Ian noticed the driver pulled behind him. When Ian pulled his cruiser to the shoulder, the man pulled alongside, rolled down his passenger-side window and made an astonishing proclamation. He told the chief, “I’ve been looking for a police officer to arrest me. I’m drunk!” Although a bit suspicious, as Chief Ian approached the vehicle, it became apparent that the guy’s assertions were true and then some. 28-year-old Bryan Condo, who had a history of previous DUIs, registered more than four times the 0.08 legal limit to drive. Of his new captive Ian said, “He was a gentleman, very polite and very cooperative. I think he was just looking for help.”
PHONER PHUN
I was recently reminded about how I once broke a molar, had to get a temporary cap, and then while I was out of town I broke that as well. All I could consume for sustenance was Slim Fast. I found myself missing food – mostly pizza. If you could only eat one thing every day for a month, what would it be?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: When God instructed the Israelites to drive the nations out of the promised land, who was to be spared?
ANSWER: No one (Deuteronomy 7:1-2)
QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE
QUESTION: What was the first letter Vanna White every turned over on “Wheel of Fortune?” (BONUS: What word/phrase was that first letter a part of?)
ANSWER: The letter “T”… part of the Title Puzzle “General HospiTal.”
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. A “duffer” is Australian slang for a cheater at golf. (False – it’s slang for a cattle thief)
2. In 1500 B.C. in Egypt a fat woman was considered beautiful. (False – the shaved head was considered the ultimate in feminine beauty. Egyptian women removed every hair from their heads with special gold tweezers and polished their scalps to a high sheen with buffing cloths.)
3. In Elizabethan England the spoon was a novelty. (True. It was such a prized rarity, that people carried their own folding spoons to banquets.)
4. Qantas, the Australian airline, is an acronymn. (True. It stands for Queensland and Northern Territories Aerial Service.)
5. Popcorn has been served in movie theaters since 1948. (False – 1912)
6. John Adams was the first President to display fireworks at the White House. (True)
7. Even though Dr. Seuss wrote successful books for children, he never had any of his own. (True)
8. Tea Bags were invented in 1904 in China. (False, they were invented by Thomas Sullivan of New York City. He first used them to send samples to his customers instead of sealing it in more expensive tins.)
9. Chili is the official state dish of Texas. (True)
10. While drug-sniffing dogs are trained to bark like crazy, go “aggressive” at the first whiff of the right powder, bomb-sniffing dogs are trained to go “passive”. (True – lest they set off a motion sensor or a noise sensor or any number of other things that might go kablooie.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
MEN ON “__________ _______ ” LIST! (“ENDANGERED SPECIES”)
Men are going extinct and scientists have now put them on the “endangered species” list. Professor Jenna Goodman even claims the male of the species is heading for extinction by the end of this century. Professor Goodman, one of England’s most influential scientists, believes that women will win the battle of the sexes – and men will be permanently vanquished. She says that the inherent fragility of the male sex chromosome, the Y sex chromosome, means that men will no longer be able to survive in the genetic pool.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
JOKE #1
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree, and the pastor greets the family. “Pastor,” Johnny says, “I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust.”
“That’s right, Johnny, I did,” he says.
“And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust.”
“Yes, I’m glad you were listening,” the pastor replies. “Why do you ask?”
“Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed ’cause there’s someone either comin’ or goin’!”
JOKE #2
Two men are in a bank when armed robbers break in.
One robber rushes the teller windows, one guards the door and the third bank robber stands in the middle of the bank and yells, “Right! Everyone up against the wall and empty your pockets. We want valuables, watches and wallets.”
The first man jams something into his buddy ‘s hand.
“What’s this?” asks his friend without looking down.
“It’s that $100 I owe you” answers his friend.
JOKE #3
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However it took the old man two days to assemble the toy. Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.
USELESS FACTS
Archaeologist are baffled by the discovery of a rare coin dating back to 200 A.D., because it appears to depict the profile of a space alien. The crowned figure has large, almond-shaped eyes and a tiny nose and mouth. The flip side of the coin shows a Stonehenge-like temple. ***Which proves that aliens not only lived among us in ancient times… they also had Laundromats.
A recent study links video game playing with aggressive behavior in young adults. ***Fortunately, they’re so out-of-shape that they’re easy to outrun.
FEATURED FUNNIES
TURNING THE TABLES
A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Four small children scurried around her. Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there. “Here,” she said, handing him the coats, “This time you put the children into their coats, and I’ll go honk the horn.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Imagine taking a simple blood test to determine if you have cancer. It’s coming soon to a doctor’s office near you.
A blood test so sensitive that it can spot a single cancer cell lurking among a billion healthy ones is moving one step closer to being available at your doctor’s office. Boston scientists who invented the test and health care giant Johnson & Johnson are joining forces to bring it to market. Four big cancer centers also will start studies using the experimental test this year. Stray cancer cells in the blood mean that a tumor has spread or is likely to, many doctors believe. A test that can capture such cells has the potential to transform care for many types of cancer, especially breast, prostate, colon and lung. Initially, doctors want to use the test to try to predict what treatments would be best for each patient’s tumor and find out quickly if they are working.
INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION
HE DART GAME
A young lady named Sally, relates an experience she had in a seminary class, given by her teacher, Dr. Smith. She says Dr. Smith was known for his elaborate object lessons. One particular day, Sally walked into the seminary and knew they were in for a fun day. On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts. Dr. Smith told the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow them to throw darts at the person’s picture.
Sally’s girlfriend drew a picture of a girl who had stolen her boyfriend. Another friend drew a picture of his little brother. Sally drew a picture of a former friend, putting a great deal of detail into her drawing, even drawing pimples on the face. Sally was pleased at the overall effect she had achieved.
The class lined up and began throwing darts, with much laughter and hilarity. Some of the students threw their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart. Sally looked forward to her turn, and was filled with disappointment when Dr. Smith, because of time limits, asked the students to return to their seats. As Sally sat thinking about how angry she was because she didn’t have a chance to throw any darts at her target, Dr. Smith began removing the target from the wall.
Underneath the target was a picture of Jesus. A hush fell over the room as each student viewed the mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged marks covered His face and His eyes were pierced. Dr. Smith said only these words, “In as much as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me.” Matthew 25:40. No other words were necessary. The tear-filled eyes of each student focused only on the picture of Christ.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
THE NEW IRRATIONAL VERSION OF THE BIBLE
This collection of comments about the Bible was actually written by children.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked “Am I my brother’s son?” Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came to in pears. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birthmark. Jacob was a partridge who had twelve sons. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by Jezebel. Then he slayed the Philistines with the ax of the apostles. People who lived in Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is so hot that it is cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle to Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the Manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.” The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels. The epistles were the wives of apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taxi man. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Unfortunately, children are not the only ones who misinterpret or misunderstand the Bible. Adults, too, are often Biblically illiterate. That’s why it’s important to read the Bible for yourself and to attend Bible studies and
classes that will help you to learn what the Bible really says and means. The Bible is God’s love letter to you. It is full of wonderful stories and teachings that are not only very interesting, but they will help you to live a happier, more successful life.
LEFTOVERS
JUST DON’T GET HER MAD!
29-year-old Nicola Hughes is a hero… well, sort of. Turns out she caught a mugger, but didn’t really catch a mugger.
Nicola Hughes single-handedly caught a mugger on the streets by striking him with her purse. Only one problem though… he wasn’t really a mugger, he was just playing one on television! Turns out a film crew was only filming a mugging reconstruction for a TV show, but Nicola thought it was the real thing. As the actor-mugger finished his scene and ran away like a real mugger would do, Nicola – not seeing the TV crew – smacked him in the head with her handbag – leaving him lying on the ground with a bloody nose. Although it was a mistake, the police did commend Ms. Hughes on her bravery. ***MARLAR: She’s now being scouted by the World Wrestling Federation… they need someone that can act violently without a script.
LIFE… LIVE IT
MEN DON’T HAVE A CLUE
Since the days of Adam and Eve, gals have known one thing with certainty — men don’t have a clue. And, no doubt, guys feel the same way about women. But Barbara and Allan Please, authors of “Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes,” have some advice that can help both sexes get a grip on what’s going on and make a lasting love connection.
HERE’S A TEST FOR THE LADIES. DO YOU AGREE WITH THESE STATEMENTS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN?
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Nagging will pay off in the long run — No. Stop nagging and re-train him. Leave his dirty shorts and wet bath towel on the floor until he figures out they don’t wash themselves. He’s not stupid, only lazy.
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He should enjoy shopping as much as you do — Never. Men find shopping stressful. But he can be trained if you go “hunting” for only one item. It’s like bagging game. And keep shopping jaunts to 30 minutes or less with no browsing.
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Without a remote to channel surf, he’s lost — True. Accept this fact. If it drives you crazy, get another TV and snuggle down with your pet and a good tearjerker.
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They’re stupid not to ask for directions — Wrong. Incredibly, men have an innate ability to find their way without asking for help. But it can’t hurt to keep a map in the car. If you’re really lost, ask for a potty break and he can get directions without admitting he’s up the creek without a paddle.
GUYS HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT WOMEN? SEE IF YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH THESE STATEMENTS, THEN CHECK OUT THE PEASES’ TIPS FOR HOW YOU CAN GET ALONG BETTER:
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She wants you to solve her problems — Wrong. Instead of instructing and problem-solving, listen and be supportive. Believe it or not, women can, and do, figure out solutions to their difficulties. All they need is your support and a hug.
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Women have too many shoes — Never. Accept it. There’s no such thing as too many shoes. Stop counting and find something else to obsess about.
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Women make such a big deal over the toilet seat being up — True. If you’ve never fallen into a toilet in the middle of the night, you won’t understand why it’s such a big deal. The perfect solution is his and hers toilets. If this can’t be arranged, be gallant and put the seat down.
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They beat around the bush, instead of getting to the point — True. Men and women communicate on different levels. You want her to get to the point, and she will — eventually. Sit back, nod and agree, don’t offer any solutions since you don’t have a clue and give her a big smooch when she’s done.
JUST FOR FUN
AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT, “LET ME OUT OF HERE!”
It’s a reality show starring a pig. And no, we’re not talking about “The Bachelor.”
If you’re much into reality shows, you know that Big Brother was pretty popular for a while. Germany has their own version of the popular show, and along with the human cast, there was also a pet pig. Well, there was until recently. Apparently the pig ran away. After several days on the lamb, er uh, pig, whatever… after several days, Konrad the pig has been recaptured. Konrad dashed for freedom while no one was watching, snuck through the garden gate, and found a hole in the fence. Unfortunately, Konrad was caught by a security guard as he tried to wriggle his way to liberty under the fence. During his escape attempt, Konrad the pig hurt his snout and hooves. He’s been ordered to undergo a few days of rest and relaxation before being sent back onto the set of Germany’s Big Brother TV show. ***MARLAR: How bad does a reality series have to be when it stinks so bad that even the PIG tries to escape from it?
FUN LIST
RULES FOR GOOD HOUSEKEEPING
It’s springtime! And that means SPRING CLEANING! But, in order not to overdo it, here are a few helpful hints to keep it easy.
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It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
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Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
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Never make fried chicken wearing only your underwear.
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Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
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You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
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Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
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Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
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When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
THE TOP FIBS TOLD BY PEOPLE (Lifestyle Magazine)
I am not condoning lying… it is a sin. But what about little white lies? Are they okay? No. But that doesn’t seem to stop most people. 1600 people were surveyed about “little white lies” they’ve told others… and these were the top fibs.
- Your baby is so cute.
- Hold on, I’ll connect you right away!
- You really shouldn’t have spent so much
- This is a limited time offer, and is yours free only if you call now!
- She’s not overweight, she’s big-boned
- You get this one, next one’s on me.
- “Two And a Half Men?” Nope, I only watch PBS.
- Well, we can still be good friends.
- Go ahead, he’s never bitten anybody.
- Then you take a left, you can’t miss it.
- It’s delicious but I can’t eat another bite.
- Go ahead, you can tell me, I won’t get mad.
- This car is like, brand new!
- Mom, Dad, I need my own place so I can have some peace and quiet to study.
- The new ownership shouldn’t affect you, everything will remain the same.
- Put that map away, I know how to get there.
- You don’t need it in writing, it’s my personal guarantee!
- It’s alright, it happens to everyone.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Looking for any easy way to improve your health? Go to church this weekend. A recent article by Yale educated Dr. Chauncey Crandall encourages attending church as a way to improve your health. In the recent article Dr. Crandall wrote: “As a cardiologist, I use every tool at my disposal to help my patients win their battles against heart disease. In addition to cholesterol-lowering drugs, cardiac medications, tests, and procedures, I also frequently recommend that my patients give their local church a try. In fact, I’ve found this to be one of my most effective therapies.”
Dining on dairy may make your next trip to the dentist a little easier. Cheese helps neutralize the acidity in your mouth and may prevent tooth decay, a study in General Dentistry found. All dairy products are good for your teeth, but cheese is especially beneficial due to its tyramine content. This substance increases saliva and helps raise the pH of plaque, minimizing add adage to the enamel, according to the study. A bonus benefit. A British study review found that people who consumed especially large amounts of dairy about 14 ounces a day, had a lower risk of developing type 2 diabetes than those who consumed less. (Men’s Health)
Do you tend to buy junk food for the ones you love when shopping? When you are food shopping, be selfish: You’re more likely to bring home junk if you’re buying for your family or friends, a recent University of Miami study reveals. The scientist found people stocking up for themselves made healthier choices than those shopping for others. We buy healthy foods for ourselves in an effort to avoid eating junk, the scientists say. When we shop for others, this discipline erodes. Ask your family for a list of what they want and stick to it.
Australian researchers have concluded that consuming chocolate regularly appears to improve mental skills. Specifically, people who ate chocolate at least once a week performed better on multiple cognitive tasks, compared to those who ate chocolate less frequently. A study found that those who ate chocolate at least once a week performed better and this relationship between chocolate and better performance held up even when researchers took into account age, gender, education, cholesterol, blood pressure and alcohol intake. What is the magic ingredient in chocolate? Flavonoids. Found in many plant-based foods, flavonoids account for about 20 percent of the compounds present in cocoa beans. They appear to protect against the normal decline of mental skills as people age. The takeaway in one word: Moderation. While chocolate is arguably a healthy food, it is also packed with fat and sugar, so it must be balanced against a healthy diet and lifestyle.
Ladies – have you ever wondered why your man pays no attention to you when you are at home but then complains when you go out? Steven Stosny, PH.D., co-author of “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It,” clears things up: “He is paying attention to you, but in his own way. Men see relationships more as a place to relax than a dynamic interaction. So while you feel like he’s ignoring you, he’s comforted by your mere presence and feels he’s honoring your relationship by unwinding around you. But when you leave, he loses that sense of connection, making his secure base – you – suddenly seem less secure. It’s worth making more obvious forms of connection touching, cuddling, giving him a hug, part of your everyday routine, both because it will make you happier and because it will help him feel more content when you’re not around.”
SOUL-GLO
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!
(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(2017) The Census Bureau is considering changes to its race and ethnicity questions that would reclassify some minorities who were considered “white” in the past, a move that may speed up the date when America’s white population falls below 50 percent. According to Yahoo, Census Director John Thompson told The Associated Press this week that the bureau is testing a number of new questions. The possible changes include allowing Latinos to give more details about their ethnic backgrounds and creating a new, distinct category for people of Middle Eastern and North African descent. *** The U.S. Census Bureau – doing it’s best to keep the spread and rise of racism alive since 1903!
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation!
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 06, 2018…
You Were Really Here—This film is a thriller taken from the novella by Jonathan Ames. It is about trying to find a young woman (Ekaterina Samsonod) who has been kidnapped and forced into the sex trade. A detective (Joaquin Phoenix) tries to find her. Someone is just one step ahead of Joaquin. Also in the cast is John Doman. “You Were Really Here” is rated R. No rating.
Blockers—A comedy, starring John Cena, and about parents who try to prevent their teen-age daughters from that first date of going all the way. The parents do a covert operation and follow the girls. The cast includes Lesley Mann, Kathryn Newton, Gary Cole and Gina Gershon. “Blockers” is rated PG-13 No rating.
A Quiet Place—John Krasinski stars, wrote, and directs this film that also has his wife, Emily Blunt, as one of the cast. It is a combination thriller-/horror film about a family whose house is invaded by strangers that hunt by sound. What to do and just how quiet can you keep, anyway? Also in the cast are Noah Jupe and Millicent Simmonds. “A Quiet Place” is rated R. No rating.
The Endless—A horror film with another actor, Justin Benson, who wrote/directs/and stars in his film. Not much information given, but other cast members include Aaron Moorhead, Callie Hernandez and Lew Temple. “The Endless” is rated R. No rating.
Paul: An Apostle (also called The Apostle Paul)—This film is opening slowly around the country. It stars James Faulkner (“Downton Abbey”) as Paul, and a great part of the film has Paul in prison during the time Nero is Emperor. Hence, the persecution of Christians and doubts within the new church as to what to do amid all the problems they are encountering. Jim Caviezel plays Luke, a physician here, and a friend of Paul, who attempts to help him in prison. Other characters include a Roman soldier and a sick child. The early church, had its problems, and how it managed to continue is thought-provoking. “Paul: An Apostle” is rated PG 13 for violence. Rating of 2.
APRIL 13, 2018…
Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero is a real life canine hero of WWI and he is a Boston terrier. Human star is Logan Lerman.
The Rider is based on a true story of a professional rodeo rider who overcomes difficulties.
Miracle Season is based on the true story of the Iowa City West High School Girls Volleyball team. Stars Erin Moriarity.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.