April 13, 2018: Friday ONAIRprep (FRIDAY THE 13TH)

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180413
PDF: 20180413

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Hello and welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)! And please, in the interest of time, kindly hold your applause until the entire program is over.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“You have to stand every day three or four hours of visitors. Nine-tenths of them want something they ought not to have. If you keep dead still they will run down in three or four minutes. If you even cough or smile they will start up all over again.” – Calvin Coolidge

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.”  — Titus 2:7-8

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. — 1 Peter 2:24

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. — Ephesians 4:15

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. — Ephesians 4:2-3

Thought: Effort, sweat, and dedication seem to have become the profanity of western Christianity. To our age of grace-abusers, the Holy Spirit reaches out with his truth and reminds us that relationships on earth, even those in Jesus’ Church, are going to require a lot of effort, gritty love, personal sacrifice, and rigorous determination. If we read Jesus’ prayer for unity in John 17, how could we not make every effort to keep his Body unified and our relationship with his people loving and patient? Since our salvation was purchased at the cost of Jesus’ sweat and blood, how can we balk when our best efforts are required to preserve the unity of his family?

Prayer: Dear Heavenly Father, forgive my impatience with others and lack of forgiveness for them. Stir your Spirit within me to curb my tongue, soften my heart, and extend more of an effort to others who need your blessing. Please use me to be a peacemaker in your Kingdom, O Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Philippians 4:13 NIV = I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – APRIL 13, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
255 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is BLAME SOMEONE ELSE DAY.  ***I had something funny to say about this, but my cat jumped onto the computer keyboard and deleted it all – at which point I forgot what I’d written. Stupid cat.

Today is BUTCH CASSIDY’S BIRTHDAY. ***I loved him in “The Partridge Family.” Or was Butch the one in the “Hardy Boys?”

TODAY IS ALSO…

American Immigration Lawyers Association Day of Action
Blame Someone Else Day
National Donate Life (Blue and Green) Day
Make Lunch Count Day
Scrabble Day
Thomas Jefferson Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, APRIL 14

American Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Baby Massage Day
Children with Alopecia Day
Dictionary Day
Global Day to End Child Sexual Abuse
International Moment of Laughter Day
National Dolphin Day
National Ex-Spouse Day
National Gardening Day
National Pecan Day
Pan American Day
Pathologists’ Assistant Day
Slow Art Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 15

Jackie Robinson Day
McDonald’s Day
One Boston Day
Rubber Eraser Day
Take a Wild Guess Day
That Sucks Day
World Art Day

MONDAY APRIL 16

Boston Marathon
Emancipation Day
Foursquare Day
National Bean Counter Day
National Health Care Decisions Day
National Orchid Day
Save The Elephant Day

TUESDAY, APRIL 17

Bat Appreciation Day
Blah! Blah! Blah! Day
Ellis Island Family History Day
Ford Mustang Day
Herbalist Day
Income Tax Pay Day
International Haiku Poetry Day
Malbec World Day
National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day
Nothing Like A Dame Day
World Hemophilia Day

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18

Adult Autism Day
International Amateur Radio Day
International Day for Monuments and Sites
National Columnists’ Day
National Lineman Appreciation Day
Pet Owners Independence Day
World Amateur Radio Day

THURSDAY, APRIL 19

Bicycle Day
Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Action Day
Get to Know Your Customers Day
John Parker Day
National Garlic Day
National Hanging Out Day
National Ask An Atheist Day
National D.A.R.E. Day
National Stress Awareness Day
Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 20

Chinese Language Day
International Cli-Fi Day
National Cheddar Fries Day
National Pot Smokers Day
National Teach Children to Save Day

ON THIS DAY

1742: The first performance of Handel’s “Messiah” took place in Dublin, Ireland.

1743: Thomas Jefferson was born. Jefferson invented the swivel chair, the folding bed, and Chicken-a-la-King. He introduced the waffle to America, wrote the Declaration of Independence, and played the fiddle. He also was president of the U.S. ***But nobody’s perfect.

1796: The first elephant arrived in America. Everybody thought it was a giant possum at first. ***Imagine coming across that as road kill!

1851: Frank W. Woolworth was born. Woolworth turned a little five-and-dime store into a fortune. ***We still have five-and-dime stores today, actually. They’re called gumball machines.

1860: The Pony Express made its first mail delivery. ***It was still slow back then… the mail carrier picked up the mail in 300 B.C.

1899: Alfred Butts was born. While unemployed during the Depression, he invented a crossword-puzzle game called Scrabble. Twenty years later, in 1952, Macy’s became interested and a manufacturer offered Butts three cents a game for the rights to mass produce Scrabble. He took it.

1926: Antonino Rocca, who would become one of professional wrestling’s earliest stars, was born in Treviso, Italy, weighing in at birth at 18-pounds 1-ounce. Moments after he was born, Mrs. Rocca delivered his 9-pound twin sister.

1958: Van Cliburn of Kilgore, Texas, took top honors at the Soviet Union’s Tchaikovsky International Piano Contest in Moscow. He was the first American to win the award.

1964: Sidney Poitier became the first black performer in a leading role to win an Academy Award for his work in “Lillies of the Field.”

1965: King of the Road Roger Miller won five Grammies, a record that stood until 1984 when Michael Jackson took eight. In 1999 Carlos Santana also won eight.

1965: 16-year-old Lawrence Wallace Bradford Jr. was appointed by New York Republican Jacob Javits to be the first African-American page of the U.S. Senate.

1969: An Australian Siamese cat named Blue Danielle had 13 kittens. It’s no longer a record, but it deserves honorable mention.

1980: The Broadway musical “Grease” closed after 3,883 performances. (audio clip)

1991: Burglars torched the safe at a Sydney, Australia, travel agent’s office and burned up $72-thousand in cash.

1992: A new soft drink, Crystal Pepsi, was introduced in Dallas, Denver, and Providence.

1996: 26-year-old Eric Strickland won a million dollars in Dallas by running ten straight racks without missing a shot in a nine-ball billiards tournament. He had made one other perfect run when he was 11 years old.

1998: A Swiss couple was arrested for shepherding while intoxicated after they brought five sheep on a public bus into downtown Zurich.

1998: Dolly, the world’s first cloned sheep, gave natural birth to a healthy baby lamb.

2001: A woman in Stalybridge, England, decided she’d had enough. After the 5th repairman in 15 months could not repair her dishwasher, she locked the doors and refused to let him leave her house. The repairman phoned his boss and the company agreed to give her a new machine.

2006: Kevin Holder was arrested again after a brief chase in Lincoln, Nebraska. He had burglary tools in his possession. It was Kevin’s 226th arrest, including criminal mischief, marijuana possession, assault, resisting arrest, and cocaine possession. He served three prison terms for felonies. His rap sheet was 43 pages long.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

655: Martin, pope from 649 to 655, dies in banishment. History remembers him as the last pope venerated as a martyr.

1059: Pope Nicholas II decreed that future popes could be elected by cardinals only.

1534: Sir Thomas More, Lord Chancellor of England, refuses to take the oath to the English succession. One year later, Henry VIII indicted him for treason and had him beheaded.

1598: The Edict of Nantes was promulgated by France’s King Henry IV (of Navarre), granting his Huguenot (Protestant) subjects a large measure of religious freedom. (The Edict remained in effect for 87 years.)

1829: In the Emancipation Act, the English Parliament grants freedom of religion to Roman Catholics. Within three weeks, the first Catholic was elected to Parliament.

1853: Loyola College in Baltimore was chartered under Roman Catholic auspices.

1939: Delegates from independent Baptist churches in Shafter, Oildale, Lamont and Taft organized the first association of Southern Baptists in California.

1948: At the Antioch Baptist Church of Portland, representatives of 15 local congregations organized the Baptist General Convention of Oregon-Washington, the first organization of its kind in the Pacific Northwest.

1986: Pope John Paul II visits a Jewish synagogue in Rome, marking the first such visit by a pope in recorded history.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Silver Spoons,” “NYPD Blue”, “Scrubs”, “24”) Rick Schroder is 48 (audio clip)
  • actress/comedian (The Perfect Man, Christmas with the Kranks, “The Caroline Rhea Show,” “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”) Caroline Rhea 54 (audio clip)
  • actress (“Miami Vice,” “One Life To Live”, “Damages”) Saundra Santiago 61 (audio clip)
  • actor (Hellboy, The Magnificent Seven, TV’s “Beauty & The Beast” series, “Sons of Anarchy”) Ron Perlman 68
  • actor (Wally on “Leave It To Beaver”) Tony Dow 73 (audio clip #1, audio clip #2)
  • actor (The Cooler, The Firm, Goodfellas, Dick Tracy, and TV’s “Law & Order”) Paul Sorvino 79

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1906 : Bud Freeman

1934 : Horace Kay (The Tams)

1936 : Tim Field (The Springfields)

1940 : Lester Chambers (The Chambers brothers)

1942 : Bill Conti

1943 : Eve Graham (The New Seekers)

1944 : Brian Pendleton (The Pretty Things)

1944 : Jack Casady (Jefferson Airplane/Starship, Hot Tuna)

1945 : Lowell George (Little Feat)

1946 : Al Green

1946 : Roy Loney (The Flamin’ Groovies)

1951 : Max Weinberg (E Street Band)

1951 : Peabo Bryson

1954 : Jimmy Destri (Blondie)

1955 : Louis Johnson (The Brothers Johnson)

1957 : Wayne Lewis (Atlantic Starr)

1962 : Hillel Slovak (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

1966 : Marc Ford (The Black Crowes)

1972 : Aaron Lewis (Staind)

1975 : Lou Bega

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do my eyes hurt when looking at the computer too long while at work? I’m using my eyes all day anyway, right?
The eyes work harder when viewing objects up close, particularly on a computer monitor, it is the proximity of the VDT screen to the eyes that causes eyestrain, not “radiation” emitted from the screen. According to the American Academy of Ophthalmology, using a computer or video display terminal will not harm your eyes.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

*****NOTE: THIS FEATURE WILL BE TAKING A BREAK FROM MARCH 31 THRU APRL 16. IT WILL RETURN TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2018.*****

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A team of scientists has reported the results of an experiment producing viable sperm using the stem cells of mice. The Kyoto University researchers managed to induce mice stem cells into creating sperm precursors, which were transplanted into infertile male mice. The mice then produced sperm that was successfully used to fertilize eggs in a lab dish. The offspring were healthy and fertile, according to a paper published in the scientific journal “Cell”. ***This is miraculous news – because I’m sure we were all extremely worried that the mice population might die off.

A new survey finds that teens spend more time with “media” each day than sleeping. ***So if you want to get your teen’s attention, you might consider starting a YouTube channel.

A survey of Facebook users finds we’re unhappy when a post doesn’t get any likes or comments. In fact, 72% of us say no reaction to a post can affect our mood, while just one like or comment can make things right again. ***Also, I’ve posted this to Facebook, could you please like and comment on it?

Sad shoppers are getting sadder. Findings from a recent study show when we’re feeling blue and socially isolated, we shop. Shopping, meanwhile, makes us even more depressed and alone. To fix it, we shop—and the vicious cycle continues. ***So shopping doesn’t make you happy… could someone PLEASE convince my wife of this? I can’t afford for her to be depressed any longer!

Internet addiction among kids in Japan has become so prevalent – one statistic holds that half a million of them suffer from it – that the government is investing in “immersion projects” to break this dependency. These Internet “fasting” camps are for kids who need some rehab. There’s total Internet blackout, with things like outdoor activities and team games instead. ***But good luck getting these kids to play tennis, golf, or bowling without a wireless controller in their hands.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the animals were trying to sell all of their belongings to move out of the jungle and get away from a giant-footed monster, but they all bought other people’s belongings… all except Racquet the Skunk. He’s just giving stuff away! For FREE! Why do you think that is?

CLOSE: Could that be it? Could the giant-footed creature really just be a huge practical joke? Is there really no danger at all? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Today’s Moment of Duh comes from my own family’s observations on the job!

My aunt works in the library of a school and sometimes has to oversee the computers that students use. One afternoon she noticed a young man sitting in front of one of the workstations with his arms crossed across his chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes she noticed that he was still in the same position, only now he was impatiently tapping his foot. Finally, my aunt approached him and asked if he needed help. He replied, “It’s about time! I pressed the F1 button for help over twenty minutes ago!”

TOP TEN

SIGNS YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You read a newspaper.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s medical procedures.

You send money to PBS.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You got cable just to get the weather channel.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The burglary career of one crook in Romania recently came to an embarrassing end.

FILE #1: When he broke into the home of a 75-year-old retiree identified only as Anica D., the guy likely thought it would be easy money. When the crook attacked her, Anica yelled for help, but nobody came, so she took matters into her own hands. Using some karate moves she had picked up from a self-defense TV show, Anica immobilized her attacker and then called police who arrested the man.

FILE #2: Police in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, sick and tired of cell phone thefts, have launched a new weapon against the culprits. As soon as thefts are reported, stolen phones are sent a Short Message System text message every three minutes noting “This device is pinched. Purchase or sale is an offense,” and signing the note “the police.” A police spokesman admitted “the idea is to drive the thieves mad” and make the phones virtually unusable.

FILE #3: Overweight police are a BIG problem in the northern Philippines and those officers who have had too many donuts have been ordered to climb the Mount Pinatubo volcano once a month as part of a physical fitness campaign. If their waist is over 34 inches they are required to make the climb beginning the first week of April and once a month after that. The 2-hour trek to Pinatubo’s peak is a popular activity for tourists.

STRANGE LAW: The state of Kansas prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

It wasn’t the beauty of the paintings that caught the eye of Customs agents. It was their drug-sniffing dog turning up his nose at the art that stopped the show.

Federal officials in Arizona say a man was taken into custody after Customs and Border Protection officers found 90 pounds of marijuana hidden in the frames of six large paintings in his vehicle.  Officers selected the man’s vehicle for a routine inspection Friday at the border crossing in Douglas, Ariz., and their dog showed an interest in the paintings.  An X-ray revealed the marijuana in the frames.  The agency says the paintings were professionally done and the frames were nicely constructed.  The man was turned over to Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

PHONER PHUN

Ladies, what’s the best compliment a man has ever given you?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Whom did Paul refer to as “fellow workers in Christ” and “risked their lives” for him?

ANSWER: Priscilla and Aquila (Romans 16:3)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was the first word that the blind Helen Keller learned in sign Language from her teacher Annie Sullivan?

ANSWER: Water

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

01. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people. (True)

02. Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are. (True. Probably because it’s the men who drive them crazy.)

03. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head. (True – supposedly.)

04. In 75% of American households, men manage the money and pay the bills. (False – women do!)

05. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette. (True – in South Bend, Indiana)

06. About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. (True. The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.)

07. It’s against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas. (True)

08. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze. (True – very helpful while smiling during the cold winter months!)

09. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific. (True)

10. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

____ DOLPHINS (FLYING)

Bottlenose dolphins released from captivity have been seen – flying through the skies!

The Miami dolphins were released after being kept cooped up for six years in poor conditions.  Within minutes of their release, they were seen flying overhead.

Some onlookers were stunned when they saw the dolphins flying for extended periods of time.  ”It’s the most incredible thing I ever saw,” said Boyd Lindsay of Tampa.  ”Them dolphins were flying in they sky, looked like they could go a long way.  I’m still in shock.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

“My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth.”

“Really? What did he get?”

“Fifteen years.”

JOKE #2

Alan went to the store the other day to pick out a new tie for an upcoming wedding. He found one that matched his suit but it didn’t have a price tag on it. So Alan asked the clerk, “Hey, buddy, how much is this tie?”

He said, “Sixty-five dollars.”

Alan said, “What? I can buy a pair of shoes with that kind of money.”

He said, “Maybe, but how would a pair of shoes look around your neck?”

JOKE #3

There’s a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed, blowing a whistle, and then walking off the field.
At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.


The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

USELESS FACTS

A pizzeria in Florence, Italy, was fined nearly $4,000 (US) for a hygiene violation after a customer found a human tooth baked into the crust of his pizza. The diner paid the bill but declined an offer of a free dinner and pressed legal charges. The owner’s lawyer said the heavy fine was “insanity,” and demanded, “How is the owner of the pizzeria going to force employees to go to the dentist every day or strap a lid over their mouths?”  ***How about if he just offers a dental plan?

The University of Utah was the first major sports school to give scholarships for competitive video gamers. ***Why couldn’t this have happened when I had the top score on Q*Bert back in 1982?

FEATURED FUNNIES

DISASTER

Did you hear about the disaster at a major U.S. University? The scientists were cloning monkeys and one of them blew up. The scientist are trying to determine what went wrong by sifting through the Reeses pieces.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A HALLMARK MOMENT

When it comes to their birthdays, cousins Ruth Rose and Elizabeth Reynolds can always count on getting birthday card from each other. In fact, they count on getting the same card each birthday. The cousins, who grew up together in Omaha, have exchanged the same greeting card well over 100 times since 1950.  Rose first picked the card for Elizabeth’s 37th birthday in 1950. Last week, Elizabeth returned it again to Rose for Rose’s birthday.  The first mailing cost a nickel. But the yearly notes and poems plus a half-century’s inflation have pushed the postage to $1.65.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

MAYBE
Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Maybe when the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don’t see the one which has been opened for us.
Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.
Maybe it is true that we don’t know what we have got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

OUR WORK VERSUS OUR VALUE
The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. — Genesis 2:15

Man was created to have seven basic needs. Each of us has a need for dignity, authority, blessing and provision, security, purpose and meaning, freedom and boundary, intimate love and companionship. When we go outside God’s provision to meet these needs, we get into trouble.
Every man has a need to work and gain satisfaction in caring and seeing something come from his efforts. Many of our basic needs are derived from our work; it was one of the first acts God did for man in the Garden of Eden. He gave him responsibility to care for and work the Garden. God knew man needed to be productive. He needed to gain satisfaction from his work.

The danger of this is when we allow our work to be our complete source of purpose and meaning in life. This leads to a performance-based life. A performance-based life says, “As long as I perform in my work, I am acceptable to myself and others.”

This is a subtle trap for all of us. It can lead us to become workaholics if we are seeking acceptance through what we do. Sometimes this can be on a subconscious basis. Our value must be centered in Christ, not in what we do. If we lose our job or our business, this should not devastate us if we are centered in Him. It will certainly create difficulties, but God is the orchestrator of all the events in our lives for His purposes. Even difficult times have purposes.
Today, ask the Lord if you have a proper balance in your work life. Is Christ the central focus? If you work long hours, ask yourself why. You might discover that God may not be the central focus.

LEFTOVERS

MIKEY LIKES IT, PERLEY LOVES ‘EM
I like my Cocoa Pebbles… I loved them even more when I was seven years old. But I’m not sure I loved them as much as THIS kid loved HIS cereal!

Perley King. He is the 7-year-old kid from Washington, who decided to take his sister’s car for a drive to buy some Cheerios! Perley awoke early on a Saturday morning to find no Cheerios in the house. Instead of waking his parents, the young man attempted to drive to the store to buy some. With his dog Bear in the passenger seat, Perley alternated between stretching his foot to the gas pedal and sitting up to peer over the steering wheel. Police caught up with him three miles from his home before he did any damage to himself or others. Young Perley stepped out of the car with his hands up. And while his parents punished him, General Mills, the maker of Cheerios, rewarded him with a year’s supply of the cereal and a new bike. ***MARLAR: Don’t you agree — there’s no better way to let a kid know what he did was wrong and dangerous then by buying him a bike and a year’s supply of Cheerios? Yeah, that’ll show him.

LIFE… LIVE IT

CLUTTER AWARENESS

First, if you’re not aware that you have clutter, this is the least of your problems.  Make an appointment with an eye doctor.  However, the rest of us do understand that we may have problems with clutter, but don’t really know what to do about it.  We want our homes to feel more positive, and removing clutter can help make that happen.  Here are a few tips:

  • Make A Date With Your Clutter — Be serious about getting rid of clutter. Set a day to start. Be reasonable with yourself about just how much you can accomplish. Give yourself a set amount of time to accomplish it.

  • Start Small — A big room might be too overwhelming so start with something small, like a drawer. Take it easy and do one thing, finish it, and then do another small thing.

  • Organize Your Stuff — Divide the big project of clearing clutter into smaller, more manageable clutter projects. Make a to do list and check off each thing you finish. Have separate bags or boxes for (1) borrowed items (2) things to sell for hurricane relief (3) gifts you’ll give to others (4) garbage.

  • Transforming Your Clutter Into Cash – Wouldn’t it be great if you could un-clutter your home and help victims of hurricane Katrina at the same time?  You can!  You can sell your items on eBay and donate the proceeds to the American Red Cross or other relief groups. eBay has a special Giving Works program for charity listings where people can buy items that support nonprofit organizations. The items you auction will be grouped with other items that are specifically being auctioned to help charities. And shoppers can search for items that are being auctioned to help charities. But if you are unable to auction items online you can help out the old fashioned way by having a yard sale and donating the proceeds to the Red Cross or other relief organizations. You can also combine your items with friends and family and have a neighborhood, civic association or church sale.

JUST FOR FUN

MY APPETITE WILL GO ON
If you always wanted to experience what the food on the Titanic tasted like, without having to get on a sinking ship, we have the answer for you…

…You can visit the “La Bagatelle” in Scotland. Restaurant goers in Edinburgh will have the chance to sample the final first class dinner aboard the doomed ocean liner that hit an iceberg and sank on its maiden voyage on April 14, 1912. The luxurious “Last Dinner on the Titanic” will be recreated using traditional ingredients and technology. Diners would be offered dishes ranging from asparagus salad with champagne, poached salmon with mousseline sauce and peaches in Chartreuse jelly chocolate. ***MARLAR: I’m assuming the salads feature “iceberg lettuce”! (“I’ll never let go, Jack! I’ll never let go of my fork!”)

FUN LIST

WHO SHOULD BE BANNED FROM THE HEALTH CLUB

Glamour magazine ran an article that discussed the top ten types of people who should be banned from a health club or gym. And here they are:

  • Treadmill cell-phone gabbers. These people are the same psychos that weave in and out of traffic while talking on their cell phones and putting the rest of us in danger.
  • Shower nose-blowers. I’m sure why you’d understand why I wouldn’t care for that. My granddad used to do that when he went hunting… disgusting.
  • Walkman Mariah Wannabes. I don’t mind you listening to the walkman… just don’t sing along!
  • Weight room romeos. You know, the guys strutting around with their big sweaty muscles, hitting on the ladies and thinking they are just so ultra cool? Do they not realize that being drenched in sweat also means that they smell like it too?
  • Mirror mongers. I understand that you go to the gym so you can look better in the mirror… but there are no rules saying you must look in the mirror constantly while you’re AT the gym!
  • Stair climber hoverers. The people who are perpetually “next up” on whatever machine you happen to be using. Just standing there… standing and waiting.
  • Fountain spitters. Water is for drinking, not for rinsing… especially at the public water fountain.
  • Bench press grunters and screamers. Ooh, wow. I see you lifting that really heavy dumbbell. It must be painful because you’re screaming. Wow, I’m impressed.
  • Locker room exhibitionists. Usually the same guys that are continually in front of the mirror or hitting on the ladies.
  • Pre-aerobics chili-eaters. Nuff said.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

WHAT TO DO WHEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE

Tips from a real police officer.

  1. Always stay in the car.

  2. Pull over as soon as it is safe to.

  3. The most important rule to follow is to pull over in a safe area.

  4. Keep your hands on the wheel as the trooper or officer approaches your vehicle.

  5. It’s ok to complain, but don’t use profanity. In some states it can get you arrested for disorderly conduct.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Putting in overtime to get ahead will eventually mess up your head, says a study published by the American Journal Of Epidemiology. Too much work can make you forgetful, less clever and doomed to suffer dementia, according to tests given to 2,200 civil servants. “The study shows that long working hours have a negative effect on cognitive performance in middle age,” says lead researcher Dr. Marianna Virtanen. “The link between cognitive impairment and dementia later in life is clearly established.” On average each week, 8% of the bureaucrats studied worked more than 55 hours, 53% put in from 41 to 55 hours and 39% clocked fewer than 40 hours. In their early 50s, the workers were given brain function tests. And the scores revealed that both reasoning power and vocabulary had declined the most in people who worked the most overtime.

Slouching when you sit can send you into a funk. That is the conclusion of researchers who found that slumping sitters are more likely to be depressed than those with ramrod straight spines. Slouching when walking also promotes the blues, say the San Francisco State University scientists. These findings go along with previous studies that claim movement and exercise can keep you from getting down. The conclusions were based on a simple study. Researchers had 110 students walk down a corridor in a slouched pose, and then do it again except this time they were told to skip down the hallway. Afterward, they were asked to rate their energy levels. They reported feeling a drop in energy when slouching, while skipping gave them an energy boost. Also, the students who felt depressed reported lower energy levels following a slouched walk. Health Education Professor Erik Peper believes assuming a better body posture can actually boost mood. “It is very similar to the principle of ‘Fake it till you make it,'” he explains. “You can convince your body to have more energy.”

The next time you get in a bad mood, take heart in this: You have far superior critical thinking skills than all those annoying happy people around you. That’s the word from researchers at the University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia, who have determined that grumpy people are not only better at decision-making, but also less gullible. Lead study author and psychology professor Joe Forgas says cheerfulness fosters creativity, while gloominess breeds attentiveness and careful thinking, reports the BBC News. Why? Grumpy people are better able than happy people to cope with demanding situations because of the way the brain promotes information processing strategies. “Whereas a positive mood seems to promote creativity, flexibility, cooperation and reliance on mental shortcuts, negative moods trigger more attentive, careful thinking, paying greater attention to the external world.”

Do not judge a book by its cover, the saying goes. Now there is proof that the old adage is really true. According to researchers at the Open University in Britain and the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, there is a big difference in what we think beautiful people are as compared to what they really are. We tend to believe, for instance, that attractive women are agreeable, extroverted, conscientious, open to experiences and emotionally stable. Not necessarily so, says the research psychologists’ study. In fact, they are conformists who tend to be submissive, and they are totally into self-promotion. In other words, says the research, pretty girls are a lot more boring than we think they are. “Beauty is a conformist conspiracy,” says one study analyst, Stephen Bayley. “And the conspirators include the fashion, cosmetics and movie business.” The result, he says, is that perfect people are “flawlessly dull.” Says researcher Lihi Segal-Caspi of the Open University: “The results from this study indicated that beautiful people may tend to focus more on conformity and self-promotion that independence and tolerance.”

Think you have no time to get fit? If you have one minute to spare, you do have the time. A single minute of very intense exercise produces health benefits that are similar to longer, traditional endurance training, according to researchers from McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario. So there goes the number one excuse for not getting in shape: There is not enough time. “This is a very time-efficient workout strategy,” says Martin Gibala, a professor of kinesiology at McMaster and lead author of the study. “Brief bursts of intense exercise are remarkably effective.” And you don’t have to be on a stationary bike to reap the benefits. “The basic principles apply to many forms of exercise,” he says. “Climbing a few flights of stairs on your lunch hour can provide a quick and effective workout. The health benefits are significant.”

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

FRIDAY THE 13TH STUFF

Do you have paraskedvidekatriaphobia? 

Better question… can you pronounce paraskedvidekatriaphobia better than I can?  Anyway, if you have paraskedvidekatriaphobia today is a nasty day for you.  Paraskedvidekatriaphobia is a fear of Friday the 13th.  It seems kind of silly to be afraid of an ordinary day, doesn’t it?  The 13th of the month is bound to land on a Friday every once in a while – but some people get so weirded out about it that they have to see a psychologist!  They don’t freak when the first day of the month lands on a Sunday – which is what is required in order to get a day like today… but no matter.  It’s the 13th day landing on a Friday, that’s the only thing they think about.  A lot of people really do think that Friday the 13th is unlucky, and they can’t face it without professional help.  Unfortunately, our society has many odd superstitions.  One athlete refuses to eat anything but chicken on game day.  Others are concerned about “lucky” numbers… avoiding stepping on certain lines on the field, or having the same seat on the bench all of the time.  But as Christians, one thing we should not suffer from is paraskedvidekatriaphobia, because superstitions should not have any hold or power over us.  It’s God that has the power over us, and He is truly all-powerful… nothing we do or believe can change that.  That includes luck… bad or good.  We need to be devoted to an all-powerful GOD… not an all-powerless superstition.

FRIDAY THE 13TH BAD LUCK According to superstition, it’s bad luck today to…

  • Begin a new job or a trip

  • Cut off both ends of a loaf of bread

  • Flip your mattress

  • Put new shoes on the table

  • Leave your hat on the bed

  • Walk under a ladder

  • Pour water on a windowsill

  • Plant potatoes

  • Lean a broom on a bed

  • Open an umbrella indoors

  • Do housework

  • Wear new clothes

  • Cut your hair

  • Sneeze to your left side

  • Have a black cat cross your path

Of course, I think all of that is complete nonsense.  Yet, while I’m not superstitious, there are a few other areas that I do feel there is bad luck in.  It’s bad luck to…

  • Spit in the air while looking up.

  • Run through a parking lot with your eyes closed.

  • Climb on your roof when your pain pill is kicking in.

  • Drive your car on the wrong side of the road.

  • Discipline a gang of kids wearing matching bandanas.

  • Talk about a bomb when walking to your plane terminal.

  • Take a laxative before leaving on a road trip.

  • Stick your finger in a fan while it’s on.

  • Touch an electrical outlet when standing in water.

TODAY IS FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH – Can you guess what “13” we’re talking about?

“Houston, we’ve got a problem” (Apollo 13)

Not in a lot of buildings (13th floor)

USA (13 original colonies)

“Change water into wine” (13 people seated at “The Last Supper”)

Miami Dolphin quarterback (#13, Dan Marino)

“You’re Gonna Miss Me” (the 60’s hit by a band called Thirteenth Floor Elevators)

Amount of donuts (baker’s dozen, which is 13)

George Clooney (Ocean’s 13, the movie)

Jennifer Garner (the movie “Thirteen going on 30”)

Abolishment of slavery (The 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution)

SPEAKING OF THIRTEEN…

The Great Seal of The United States has:

13 levels of the truncated pyramid

13 letters in “E Pluribus Unum”, which appears in the banner running through the eagle’s beak on the right side of the bill’s reverse

13 letters in the phrase “Annuit Coeptis”, which appears over the pyramid on the left side of the bill’s reverse

13 stars above the Eagle

13 leaves on the olive branch

13 olives on the olive branch

13 arrows held by the Eagle

13 bars on the shield

BE AFRAID… BE VERY AFRAID You already know that people who fear closed-in places suffer from “claustrophobia,” but do you know what to call a fear of bald people? It’s “peladophobia.” Here’s a list of phobias, because the next time someone tells you their darkest fear, you may not be able to help him conquer it, but at least you’ll be able to tell them what it’s called.

Arachibutyrophobia – Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth and soaking up saliva.

Helminthophobia – Fear of getting worms.

Logophobia – Fear of words. Victims quake at the sight of books or even at listening to another person talk.

Eisoptrophobia – Fear of mirrors.

Erythrophobia – Fear of blushing. Some people live in terror of others seeing them with a red face. It starts a vicious cycle because the more self-conscious they become about it, the more they blush.

Pogonophobia – Fear of facial hair. Sufferers cringe at the sight of face stubble, and absolutely panic at seeing a full beard.

Lachanophobia – Fear of vegetables. Don’t talk to sufferers about eating spinach, green beans or broccoli, these people are terrified by the mere sight of the stuff.

Levophobia – Fear of objects to the left side of the body.

Dextrophobia – Fear of objects to the right side of the body.

Alektorophobia – Fear of fowl – in other words, being chicken of chickens.

Caligynephobia – Fear of beautiful women. It affects both men and women!

Clinophobia – Fear of going to bed. Sadly, folks with this fear often suffer from insomnia, which in turn promotes stress, making the condition worse.

Paraskidvikatriaphobia – Fear of Friday the 13th!

SOME LESS COMMONLY KNOWN PHOBIAS

Anananany: The inability to stop spelling ‘banana’ once you’ve started.

Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, a duck is watching!

Angoraphobia: The fear of soft sweaters and rabbits.

Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked “Who goes there?”

Friggaphobics: People who fear Fridays.

Genuphobia: The fear of knees.

Graphophobia: The fear of writing.

Heortophobia: The fear of holidays.

Iophobia: The fear of rust.

Katagelophobia: The fear of ridicule.

Lyssophobia: The fear of insanity.

Peniaphobia: The fear of poverty.

Phobaphobia: The fear of fear itself.

Phronemophobia: The fear of thinking.

Quadriphobia: The fear of 4-way stops and not knowing who goes next.

SUPERSTITIONS

Of course, as Christians we don’t believe (or shouldn’t believe) in any of this stuff… but it’s fun to take a look at some of the ridiculous things people believe in out of insecurity.  Here are a few common superstitions:

  • A rabbit’s foot brings good luck (try telling that to the rabbit!)

  • Step on a crack, break your mother’s back (I tried this once when I was grounded… it doesn’t work)

  • You can break a bad luck spell by turning seven times in a clockwise circle (sounds like you’d be more likely to break your arm by spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down!)

  • Garlic protects from evil spirits (Gee, and to think Jesus died for nothing…)

  • At the end of a rainbow is a pot of gold (and a little leprechaun that gets really possessive over his Lucky Charms!)

  • Clothes worn inside out will bring good luck (and laughter from your peers)

  • If you blow out all of the candles on your birthday cake with the first breath you will get whatever you wish for (Has that worked for ANYBODY?  I’m still waiting for the sports car in the driveway with a giant bow on it.)

  • To have a wish come true using a wishbone, two people make a wish, then take hold of each end of the bone and pull it until it separates. The person with the longer end gets his or her wish (my problem was that I always wished I’d be the winner of the wishbone breaking contest)

  • An itchy palm means money will come your way (either that or your personal hygiene needs some attention

  • A beginner will always have good luck: beginner’s luck (so if you have a new job, do your best to keep wearing that “trainee” name tag as long as possible!)

  • Eating fish makes you smart (fish heads, fish heads, rolly-polly fish heads…)

  • A cricket in the house brings good luck (and madness if it keeps you up all night with its chirping)

  • It is bad luck to sleep on a table (this is a big problem for people?)

  • A bird that comes in your window brings bad luck (and bird droppings all over the house)

  • If the bottom of your feet itch, you will make a trip (to the drugstore for athlete’s foot medicine)

  • Animals can talk at midnight on Christmas Eve (the only explanation for those Christmas TV specials like Rudolph)

  • A person cannot drown before going under three times (this is disturbing… somebody had to do a study to come to this conclusion – meaning that instead of saving the poor soul they were counting how many times they went under before they stayed under)

  • Washing a car will bring rain (this one is true, as I can’t remember even one time it didn’t rain after I washed my car.  Car washing also brings bird droppings!)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“It’s not that I don’t want to listen to people. I very much want to listen to people; I just can’t hear them over my talking.” –Paula Poundstone

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


APRIL 13, 2018…

Beirut (opening in select cities)—This is a political drama/thriller starring Jon Hamm. He portrays a former diplomat who is called into action to save a friend from assassins. Also in the cast are Rosamund Pike (“Hostiles”) and Dean Norris. “Beirut” is rated R. No rating.

Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero—This is a true story, partially computer generated.  Stubby began as a homeless Boston terrier, who was found by a young man going off to WWI. Logan Lerman plays the man who becomes quite fond of Stubby and before you know it, Stubby is on foreign soil and, it is discovered, has special skills.  He can smell mustard gas from a distance, thus helping troops avoid that area, and he can find wounded soldiers so medics can help them. Talk about bravery. After the way, Stubby ends up being the most decorated canine ever and the first—and only—canine to be promoted to the rank of Sergeant. Helena Bonham Carter also stars, and is the narrator of the story. You will recognize Gerard Depardieu, also. “Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Rider (opening in select cities)—For western fans, this film is about a professional rodeo rider (true story) who is at the top of his game when there is a serious accident.  What to do next? What direction to go now?  The film did well at Sundance.  Cast includes Brady Jandreau, Tim Jandreau, Lilly Jandreau and Lane Scott.  “The Rider” is rated R. No rating.

Miracle Season—This dramatic film, based on a true story, is about volleyball.  Specifically, the Iowa City West High School Girls Volleyball Team.  Their captain, Caroline (Danika Yarosh), nicknamed “Line” dies in an accident and the team is devastated. What to do? Helen Hunt is their coach, and together, the team decides to “go for the gold and for Line.”  They start winning  and you can figure out the rest. Other sports films that had similar themes include “The Mighty Ducks” and “Miracle” (both hockey), “Hoosiers” for basketball, “The Replacements” and “Necessary Roughness” for football.  In this volleyball film, William Hurt is also in the cast along with Erin Moriarity. “Miracle Season” is rated PG-13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Flower (opening in select cities)—A coming-of-age film (think “Lady Bird” here), the film concerns a teenage girl (Zoey Deutch) living with her Mom (Kathryn Hahn) and the Mom’s boyfriend, Tim Heidecker. Enter, the boyfriend’s son (Joey Morgan) who has emotional problems and before you can snap your fingers, the teens are out for trouble and that includes harassing a teacher, Adam Scott. “Flower” is rated R. No rating.

APRIL 20, 2018…

Rampage stars Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) as a scientist whose friend is a large gorilla—but the gorilla keeps getting bigger and bigger…….

Super Troopers 2 has the group on the Canadian/US border. Stars Rob Lowe.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.