April 14, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

 

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160414

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Before we begin I’d just like to say, if this doesn’t work out, we’ll all meet at Burger King, stick French fries in our ears, and take pictures.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men — the testimony given in its proper time.  –1 Timothy 2:5-6

 

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. — Romans 3:23-24

 

Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow. — Psalm 144:4

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. — Galatians 4:4

 

Thought: Let’s put it in a way that we can not only hear it, we can also believe it. God made history ready for a savior and then sent his Son. That Son had to deal with all the difficulties of the Law and faced all the frailties of being a human. Our Father bought our freedom at the terrible cost of his Son’s life on a cross in front of a mob that was jeering and jealous of his popularity. He did this so that you and I could be his honored children, entitled to all of his wonderful inheritance. To put it succinctly: God’s plan, God’s Son, God’s ransom, Our glory.

 

Prayer: Thank you, Heavenly Father, for all the pain it caused you to send Jesus and to see him persecuted, ridiculed, and crucified. Thank you for redeeming me from my sinful condition, for buying me out of the death that would have been the consequence of my sins, and for giving me the gift of freedom in Christ and the gift of family all around the world through Jesus. To you belongs all glory, honor, and praise for your marvelous grace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

John 4:14 NIV = but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – APRIL 14, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 254 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is INTERNATIONAL MOMENT OF LAUGHTER DAY, a time for everyone to find time to experience the power of laughter.  ***MARLAR: And I feel honored that you’ve decided to celebrate by listening to (THE JOCK SHOW)!  Thank you!

 

Today is SPRING HULA HOOPING DAY, a day to continue spring cleaning by throwing away your old hula hoop, but not without trying it out again one more time.

 

Today is NO HOUSEWORK DAY.  ***Because you threw out your hip trying the hula hoop thing. (Duane Matz)

 

Today is DICTIONARY DAY.  ***I’m currently reading the dictionary from the beginning.  Please, no spoilers; I’d rather be surprised to see how the book ends!

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Celebrate Teen Literature Day

Children With Alopecia Day

National Dolphin Day

National Pecan Day

Pan American Day

Pathologists’ Assistant Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, APRIL 15

Get To Know Your Customers Day

Income Tax Pay Day

Jackie Robinson Day

McDonald’s Day

Rubber Eraser Day

Take a Wild Guess Day

That Sucks Day

World Art Day

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 16

Auctioneers Day

Husband Appreciation Day

National Health Care Decisions Day

National Orchid Day

National Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day

Record Store Day

Save The Elephant Day

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 17

Bat Appreciation Day

Blah! Blah! Blah! Day

Ellis Island Family History Day

Ford Mustang Day

International Haiku Poetry Day

Nothing Like a Dame Day

 

MONDAY, APRIL 18

Adult Autism Day

Boston Marathon

National Columnists’ Day

National Golf Day

National Lineman Appreciation Day

National Stress Awareness Day

Pet Owners Independence Day

World Amateur Radio Day

 

TUESDAY, APRIL 19

Bicycle Day

Education and Sharing Day

John Parker Day

National Garlic Day

National Hanging Out Day

Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day

National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20

Chinese Language Day

International Cli-Fi Day

National Cheddar Fries Day

National Pot Smokers Day

 

THURSDAY, APRIL 21

Bulldogs are Beautiful Day

High Five Day

National Ask An Atheist Day

National D.A.R.E. Day

Kindergarten Day

National Chocolate-Covered Cashews Day

National Surprise Drug Test Day (***How can it be a surprise if we know today is National Surprise Drug Test Day?)

Queen’s Birthday

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1775: The first organization for the abolishment of slavery was organized by Benjamin Franklin and Benjamin Rush.

 

1871: Canada set the denominations of its currency as dollars, cents, and mills.

 

1902: James Cash Penney opened his first store, called “The Golden Rule,” in Kemmerer, Wyoming.

 

1955: Imperial Records released Fats Domino’s “Ain’t That A Shame.”

 

1956: Ampex demonstrated its first videotape recorder. It was the size of a large freezer.

 

1958: Laurie London’s “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” knocked off Perry Como’s “Catch A Falling Star” as America’s #1 pop song.

 

1968: Rookie New York Mets pitcher Nolan Ryan won his first major league game. In six and two-thirds innings, he allowed the Houston Astros just three hits.

 

1983: The first cordless telephone, capable of operating up to 600 feet from its base, was introduced by Fidelity and British Telecom.

 

1986: Unruly baseball fans disrupted Opening Day in Toronto as hundreds ran onto the field throughout the Blue Jays-Orioles game. Police ejected 126 fans and jailed 35 others. The Orioles won.

 

1991: A dromedary camel gave birth to a 100-pound son at Busche Gardens in Tampa. Park workers nicknamed the baby Norman Schwarzkopf.

 

1996: Su Juan was crowned fattest person in Beijing and awarded $600 worth of diet food. The 5-feet-5, 27-year-old woman weighed 374 pounds. She said she was thin until she stopped judo training.

 

1998: Residents of the small northern New Mexico community of Medanales announced they had given up on having a city limits sign with town’s name spelled right. They said they’d tried several times, but the state highway department always gets it wrong.

 

2001: The Indian government hired several large monkeys to scare away thousands of smaller rhesus monkeys that had been attacking New Delhi’s civil servants and trashing state property. The fearsome-looking langur monkeys patroled New Delhi’s defense, external affairs and finance ministries – as well as the army headquarters and Delhi’s main hospital – snarling menacingly at intruders. Each guardmonkey was paid $15 a month, in bananas.

 

2006: A homeless cat saved the life of a newborn baby abandoned in the middle of the night with temperatures near zero on the doorstep of a house in Cologne, Germany. Police said the cat meowed loudly until someone woke up and opened the door to see why all the racket.  Thanks to the cat, the baby boy suffered only mild hypothermia.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1775: America’s first society to abolish slavery organizes in Philadelphia.

 

1759: George Frideric Handel, composer of the oratorio Messiah, dies at age 74 in London.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (The Grudge, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) Sarah Michelle Gellar 39
  • Actor (Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, “The Dead Zone”, The Dark Knight) Anthony Michael Hall 48 (audio clip)
  • Actor (“Everybody Loves Raymond”) Brad Garrett, 56 (audio clip)
  • actor (“Mutant X”, Lex Luthor on “Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman”) John Shea 67 (audio clip)
  • actress (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Neverland, Dragonheart, Heaven Can Wait) Julie Christie 76

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1935 : Loretta Lynn

1945 : Ritchie Blackmore (Deep Purple, Rainbow, Blackmore’s Night)

1962 : Joey Pesce (’til tuesday)

1964 : Vinnie Moore (UFO)

1969 : Martyn Le Noble (Porno For Pyros)

1974 : DaBrat

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Where do we get the term “Mad as a Hatter?”

In the 19th century, craftsmen who made hats were known to be excitable and irrational, as well as to tremble with palsy and mix up their words. Such behavior gave rise to the familiar expression “mad as a hatter”. The disorder, called hatter’s shakes, was caused by chronic mercury poisoning from the solution used to treat the felt. Attacking the central nervous system, the toxin led to behavioral symptoms.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo recently made an interesting observation He posted: I like when something says “All Purpose”. Like this all purpose sand. As if to say “it’s useful to play in OR to do your taxes”

 

The band Switchfoot recently shared the purpose behind their new project, Album 10. Front man Jon Foreman shared: we sing because hope deserves an anthem.

 

Mandisa’s god-daughter is following in her footsteps. Mandisa shared a video of a dance her god-daughter did at her school. It was to a Mandisa song and featured a move she had seen Mandisa do at her last concert.

http://twitter.com/mandisaofficial/status/716435158296039424/video/1

 

USA today is out with an article on the upcoming Steven Curtis Chapman/Third Day tour. According to the Article, it doesn’t matter who has top billing: Third Day will be Chapman’s backup band, and Chapman will function as a member of Third Day. Chapman joked “Maybe it’s the start of something new, who knows?” Third Day guitarist Mark Lee added “It’s gonna be like the peanut butter and chocolate thing,” “It just works.”

http://www.usatoday.com/story/life/music/2016/04/12/third-day-steven-curtis-chapman/82812430/

 

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo says keeping the fire alive in a relationship takes on an interesting dynamic after you are married. He posted a series of pictures this week.

The first was of planters. Jaun said: When you’re married you send pictures of planters to your wife because you were getting wood screws and she wants to see what they have. Hashtag: the magic is still alive.

Picture number 2 featured Patio furniture cushions. Jaun added: WHO SAYS YOU CAN’T KEEP THE FIRE ALIVE?

From there it got really risque. After a picture of pillows Jaun said: I’m almost embarrassed to post these now, it’s getting so flirty!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BEGtzCJTCO3/

https://www.instagram.com/p/BEGu_0SzCBD/

https://www.instagram.com/p/BEGvQWVTCBk/

 

Aaron Shust posted an insight into his personality this week. He said: Apparently I’m 51% introverted, which I guess means I can handle a conversation with a stranger with some semblance of function, but when I need to recharge, being by myself is actually helpful. I decided to hang out in Chicago for a couple freezing, windy, underdressed hours. A 30-minute ride on the Blue Line, lunch at Bongiorno’s Restaurant and a coffee at Intelligentsia Coffee was just what the doctor ordered. And a selfie…”to remember me for to by”. https://www.instagram.com/p/BEHpf3wPGfH/

 

Jenny Simmons says pregnancy is working out well for both she and her daughter. Jenny is 14 weeks pregnant and shared a picture as she and Annie enjoyed an ice cream cone. Annie doesn’t seem to mind being her mom’s sidekick when it involves ice cream.

http://twitter.com/jennysimmons/status/719962393292509184/photo/1

 

Jamie Grace is struggling to deal with the spring in Georgia. She tweeted: cold and rainy mornings. hot and gross afternoon. oh, Georgia!

 

Casting Crowns bass player Chris Huffman says he should probably become an adult sometime today. He posted: Girls in school, wife and son at neurology appointment, me at home eating cereal and watching cartoons.

 

Blanca has joined the club. The former member of Group 1 Crew is now on Snapchat. You can follow her at officialblanca.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

From upstate New York comes news of a 43-year-old ex-Marine who owns a gym and has legally changed his name to Darth Vader.  *** I wouldn’t ask him to be your personal trainer though – he won’t be satisfied until you can lift the barbells with your mind.

 

Japanese have finally done it. Bourbon, a Japan-based company, has started to sell chocolate slices packaged like Kraft cheese singles. Each pack contains five two-millimeter thick slices. Bourbon’s online shop offers bulk orders consisting of twelve, five-slice packs for 3,240 yen, about $27 US. The chocolate used to make the slices is soft and is more intense in flavor than milk chocolate.  ***And you thought a grilled cheese sandwich was awesome already!

 

A man in Halifax, Nova Scotia, faces an impaired driving charge after a concerned citizen called police to report the man was missing a front tire.  ***He didn’t help his case when he tried to blame Jesus for taking the wrong wheel.

 

Officer Brian Strockbine of New Jersey (Evesham Township Police) has been honored by his department after saving three lives in ten days. The first life Officer Strockbine saved was that of a woman who appeared to be dead on her front lawn. Strockbine was able to resuscitate the woman and discovered that she had been beaten by her husband who was allegedly attempting to kill her. During the second rescue, Strockbine pulled an unconscious woman suffering a diabetic attack from a smoking vehicle. In the third incident, he performed CPR on a woman who had reportedly stopped breathing and stabilized her.  *** Reporters are still looking for the Batmobile; it obviously has to be around this guy somewhere.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Researchers went undercover to watch parents out in the wild, and they came to the conclusion that parents using smartphones tend to ignore their children.  ***MARLAR: Nonsense!  They are answering their kids’ texts, replying to their Facebook posts, and retweeting their selfies!  Have you seen parents on Facebook and Twitter?  Every other post is ABOUT their kids!

 

The most challenging part of any weight loss program is actually staying in the program. Close to half of us drop out of weight loss programs before achieving the desired results. The main reason is the feeling we’ve gone as far as we can go with the program. If we feel we won’t lose more weight, we’ll give up.  ***MARLAR: That’s why my weight loss goal is to not have a goal.  That way I’m never disappointed!

 

Dieters who weighed themselves at least weekly lost more weight than those who didn’t, according to research from the Minneapolis Heart Institute Foundation.  ***MARLAR: But weighting yourself regularly also makes you more likely to suffer from depression.

 

A gene linked to sticky ear wax and excessive underarm odor may indicate a higher risk of cancer.  The study may give doctors another tool for predicting cancer risk. The researchers arrived at their conclusion by tracking a protein created by a gene which is associated with cancer.  The ear wax and odor problems may become lifesaving clues to the early detection and treatment of cancer.  ***MARLAR: Assuming your doctor can stomach being close enough to examine you, you waxy, smelly freak.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Wheels on Luggage”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Darren Marlar, “At the Beach”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Millard saw some horses pass by and couldn’t help but admire their shoes.  He even proclaimed his desire for a pair of those beautiful horseshoes out loud – and it was at that moment that a small badger appeared and told Millard that he could be of assistance…

 

CLOSE: Well, it looks like Gruffy may end up with a new pair of shoes now as well!  What a great salesman that badger is!  Come to think of it, I could use a new pair of shoes myself.  Join us next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 16/17

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita decided she no longer wanted to sing with her sisters and decided to go solo.  So the Cheetah Sisters held auditions to find a replacement.  And that wasn’t going very well.  And Cheetah Bonita’s solo career was also having difficulties, because the BAND wanted to be solo too!

 

CLOSE: Now even the individual band members want to have solos?  If this keeps up everybody will be doing solos – but nobody will be listening, because they’ll be too busy with their own solos!  Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A passenger from Glasgow (GLAS’-goh), Scotland, has been charged with reckless endangerment and criminal tampering for trying to get off a Delta Air Lines flight stuck on a taxiway at New York’s Kennedy International Airport.  Flight 149, bound for Las Vegas from Rome, was stopped by bad weather and congested skies after pulling away from the gate.  Authorities say when it still hadn’t taken off two hours and 45 minutes later, Robert McDonald, traveling with his wife, got up and started opening an emergency exit. Flight attendants stopped him before the evacuation chute deployed.  The jet returned to the gate, McDonald was arrested and the other passengers were rebooked on a later flight.  He did not enter a plea at his arraignment and was released pending a court hearing in May. If convicted, McDonald could get up to a year in jail.

 

 

TOP TEN

WORST NAMES FOR A SEAFOOD RESTAURANT

The Ol’ Chum Bucket

Parasite Island

It Might Be Flounder

The Festering Cod

Botulism Bay

TGI Scurvy’s

3-Mile Island Trout ‘N’ Things

Yesterday’s Sushi

The Gagging Deck Hand

Green Lobster

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Something fishy is going on in the files of Law & Disorder!

 

FILE #1: There was something fishy about the 911 call that summoned police to the scene of a stabbing in Madeira Beach, Florida. The cops arrested one man for running another through — with the sawed-off bill of a swordfish. The fight allegedly started on a dock and ended in the apartment of the victim, who recovered from his wound. His attacker was charged with aggravated battery.

 

FILE #2: A Tulsa, Oklahoma man, who forced his way into his former girlfriend’s apartment, got into a fight with the woman’s new boyfriend. During the fight, the man lost part of his ear! The new boyfriend told police he was just trying to protect himself and his girlfriend, so during the struggle he bit the intruder’s ear. Doctors were unable to reattach the ear.

 

FILE #3: Police in Australia are calling it one of the “dumbest” crimes they have ever heard of. Two crooks broke into a security company. Sixteen of 25 surveillance cameras installed at Gold Coast Security captured high quality digital video images of the burglars as alarm bells rang and the pair desperately ransacked the premises in search of valuables. The two tried to cover their faces, but only after looking directly into the cameras. Undeterred, the two stole what they thought were three video recorders. Instead, it just turned out to be three cases for video recorders. Police are using the videotape to identify the pair.

 

STRANGE LAW: It is required by Kentucky law that you must bathe (either by shower or bath) no less than once a year.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

If you want to give a pretty lady a ride home – be sure you’re driving a cool car, not a school bus.

Police in Arkansas say a drunken 44-year-old Joseph P. Fannin stole a parked school bus and then asked a woman if she wanted to go for a ride.  Police say Fannin took an El Dorado School District bus parked near a bar and left it in a motel driveway. They say a woman called them after Fannin asked if she wanted a ride.  Police say Fannin told them he’d been kicked out of the bar and got into the bus because it was “a warm, dry place.”  The school district says the driver was out of town and that the keys must’ve been left behind.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

86% of us wish our spouse would do this? Drop some weight. So, how do you delicately convince your spouse to lose weight? Do you just ask? Or is your approach more covert?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: When Hezekiah was sick unto death, what prophet told him that he was going to die?

ANSWER: Isaiah (2 Kings 20:1)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How can you say the following sentence without using any r’s? – “Richard and Robert purchased a Rottweiler.” Is there a way of saying the same thing without using the letter R? 

ANSWER: Dick and Bob bought a dog!

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. In Singapore, it is illegal to chew gum. (True)

 

  1. The drinking straw was invented in 1772. (False – 1886. It was invented by hand rolling paraffined Manila paper)

 

  1. Cars were first started with ignition keys in 1949. (True)

 

  1. Many hamsters blink one eye at a time. (True)

 

  1. Olathe, Kansas has more donut stores per capita than any other place in the world. (False – Whitby, Ontario)

 

  1. A can of Spam is opened every fourteen seconds. (False – every four seconds!)

 

  1. Howdy Doody had 48 freckles. (True)

 

  1. The percent of women who wash their hands after leaving a restroom is 80%. (True)

 

  1. The percent of men who wash their hands after using a restroom is 55%. (True)

 

  1. You breathe about 100 million times a year. (False – 10 million)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

TALKING PINK _________ (ELEPHANTS)

Zookeepers have been tending to several pink elephants for years, but this week they were shocked to learn that the pink elephants- talk!

Pink elephants were parading around a Burmese zoo over the weekend – as they do every weekend – when one of them turned to a zookeeper and said, “Peanuts.  I want some peanuts.”   The zookeeper didn’t speak English, but he was shocked to hear words come out of the elephants mouth.  A pink elephant English interpreter was brought in to work with the elephants.

The elephants haven’t stopped talking since.   Zookeepers told WWN that the pink elephants are mostly concerned with zoo conditions, their food and the amount of exercise they are getting on a daily basis.  ”They had a lot of complaints, but we are trying to accommodate all their demands,” said Bin Dowa, a zookeeper.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”

 

JOKE #2

Charles H. Spurgeon, the prince of preachers, was emphasizing to his budding preacher’s class the importance of making one’s facial expression harmonize with one’s speech.

“When you speak of Heaven,” he said, “let your face light up, let it be irradiated with a heavenly gleam, let your eyes shine with reflected glory. But when you speak of hell – well, then your ordinary face will do!”

 

JOKE #3

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. 

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.

It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Relative to their weight and size, birds are stronger than people.  ***MARLAR: In other words, do NOT tick off Big Bird.

 

Peladophobia refers to the fear of bald people.  ***MARLAR: And no, I’m not showing you the back of my head.

 

People have the tendency to chew the food on the side that they most often use their hand.  ***MARLAR: Not me – I’m right-handed but I chew on the left side.  But then, that’s because of my dental plan – I chew on the side that doesn’t hurt.

 

The silk that is produced by spiders is stronger than steel.  ***MARLAR: Which means New York City has to use the Jaws of Life to clean up after Spiderman.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

TAXPAYER’S LAMENT

Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;

Tax his chew, Tax his smoke
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.

Tax his oil, Tax his gas
Tax his notes, Tax his cash
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.

If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he’s good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he’s laid.

Put these words upon his tomb,
“Taxes drove him to his doom.”
After he’s gone, we won’t relax.
We’ll still collect the inheritance tax.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

REALLY NICE MUGGING VICTIMS

When the Bible tells you to be nice to your enemies and to smother your enemies with kindness, these people really must have taken it to heart!

After finishing their 20th anniversary dinner, Lonnie and Tammy Crawford were held up at gunpoint by a robber just outside the restaurant. The crook stole their cell phone and all the money they had in their pockets — $8. Lonnie reportedly said to the criminal, “Buddy, don’t you know you could get 10 years in prison for this?” What he said must of hit home, because the robber quickly returned to the couple saying he was down on his luck and that he had never done anything like that before. He then returned the cell phone and tried to return the money. The Crawfords said they felt he needed the money more than they did and told him to keep it. After apologizing several more times, the gunman wished the couple a happy anniversary and walked off. The couple, who said they wouldn’t press charges, just so happen to be residents of Niceville, Florida.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GOOD COOKS

When my son was 11 years old, he got a small job helping out with a traveling carnival while it was in our town.

He didn’t come home at lunch time, phoning instead to tell me he was fine and had found a few days work helping out at an exhibit. He turned up for supper as usual however after he finished work.

I asked him how he had managed at lunch and he told me he had made some new friends at the carnival, some young men who were twin brothers, and their mom and dad. They had paid him a few dollars and invited him for lunch in return for helping them set up their exhibit and wanted him to return the next day to help with other chores.

I was glad he had found new friends but a little apprehensive about the type of people that might be traveling in a carnival.

“Oh Mom, these are just normal everyday people like anyone else. They just work at a carnival instead of in a store or something. Come down tomorrow and meet them yourself,” he said.

So the next day I went to the carnival and to the exhibit he had directed me to. The twin brothers turned out to be Siamese twins, joined at the chest.

He hadn’t thought this fact was noteworthy enough to mention. When I brought it to him he said, “Yes, I noticed that too. Do you know that their mom has to make all their clothes because it’s so difficult to find anything to fit them? They’re also really good cooks. Today, Joe, the one on the right, made me spaghetti for lunch.”

What others see first in a person (or persons) is not what a child considers important.

Where I saw Siamese twins, he saw people having difficulty buying clothes that fit, and young men who were good cooks.

It was a lesson I have thought about many times over the years.

Charlotte Mansfield

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

FAITHFULNESS REQUIRED

Read: 1 Corinthians 4:1-5,14-20

It is required in stewards that one be found faithful. —1 Corinthians 4:2

Much of our attention and praise is directed toward highly visible and successful people. But occasionally we read about an ordinary, obscure person being honored for many years of faithful service. It may be a school custodian, a cafeteria worker, a handyman, or a clerk in a store who has served others in a dependable and unselfish way.

That kind of reliability often goes unnoticed, but I believe it’s a powerful picture of how we are to live. Although consistency may not be flashy, days add up to a life of great significance to God.

Paul wrote, “It is required in stewards that one be found faithful” (1 Corinthians 4:2). If we live faithfully for Christ, God has promised to reward us at His appointed time. When the Lord comes, He “will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the counsels of the hearts. Then each one’s praise will come from God” (v.5).

When we long for success, God says, “I will reward you.”

When we ache for recognition, God says, “I see you.”

When we are ready to quit, God says, “I will help you.”

Whether our service is public or private, our responsibility is the same—to be faithful. —David McCasland

 

In all the little things of life,
Yourself, Lord, may I see;
In little and in great alike,
Help me to faithful be! —Anon.

 

God doesn’t ask us to be successful but to be faithful.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

GARAGE SALE RULES

Hey, we’ve got warm weather – must be time to hit the garage sales! Here are some hints on how to have the best garage sale experience possible:

  • While everybody likes to start at the exclusive part of town, the smart shopper starts out at the OLDEST section, in terms of demographics and age of houses. The junk has had many more years to pile up, as opposed to the neighborhoods with the four or five year old houses. Your chances of getting a $300 antique for .25 also increase dramatically.
  • Bicycles are usually a bad deal at garage sales. Sure you can get one for $25 bucks, but who has the time to replace all the tires and tubes, fix the handbrakes, etc? The nicer ones are usually priced too high… it’s probably better (and safer) to spend another $120 dollars and get a new one at the Wal-Mart.
  • Home exercise equipment at garage sales is usually not worth it. You NEVER see a used Soloflex or a Nordic-Track. Rather, these sales are full of 15 year old exercise bikes (with the chain drive and the saddle seat) and lots of stuff ordered from TV that didn’t work.

 

THINGS YOU NEVER BUY USED:

  • Child car seats (they may have microscopic stress cracks from a prior impact)
  • Underwear (like you ever would?!?)
  • Mattresses
  • Eating utensils
  • Toilet plungers (yeah right)
  • Caskets (just kidding)

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

TAX RELIEF

From the folks at Hallmark.com and their creation, Maxine the Queen of Crabbiness, here are a few ways to ensure getting audited by the IRS…

  • Pay in pennies (delivered by sling slot).
  • Deduct calls made to the Psychic Network in an attempt to get winning PowerBall numbers.
  • Claim your cat as a dependent.
  • Claim charitable deductions that equal more than your income.
  • On the line that asks what you made this year, answer “Trouble.”
  • Deduct adoption costs associated with adopting a new personality.
  • Claim a home office deduction based on all the in-home counseling you give to friends and family.
  • Wait till the last minute and copy the numbers from the guy standing next to you in line at the post office.
  • Fill out your forms in yellow crayon.
  • Detail 11,215 Internet stock trades — and claim you came out exactly even.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

WAITING, WAITING, WAITING

Hey guys… hate waiting around for your woman as she tries on clothes at the mall?  You’re not alone.

According to a recent survey of 2000 men, the average man spends nearly a week of his life sitting in the car waiting to pick up his significant other.  He also spends 22 weeks of his life waiting outside the dressing room while his partner tries on clothing.  Not all at once, mind you… but it sure seems that way sometimes.  And 60% of the men surveyed said all of this waiting drives them crazy – so much so that 10% of men have actually broken up with a girlfriend or divorced a wife because of the constant waiting.  Ouch.  Even worse, 20% of men say they entertain themselves while waiting by checking out other women in the store.  ***MARLAR: This makes no sense, guys.  If you’re going to be checking out the other women in the store, what happens if you hit it off, dump your woman, and starting dating the new chick?  You met the lady while she was trying on clothes!  What makes you think you won’t be waiting for HER now?  All you’d be doing is trading in for a newer model… meaning you’re adding that many more years of waiting to your life.

 

 

FUN LIST

WEIRD LIBRARY REFERENCE QUESTIONS
All of these situations are real and some of them were mighty embarrassing. Enjoy! Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.

  • “Do you have books here?”
  • “Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?”
  • “Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?”
  • “I’m looking for Robert James Waller’s book, ‘Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'” (Actual title wanted: “Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.”)
  • “Where is the reference desk?” This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying “REFERENCE DESK”!
  • “I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?” (This is very similar to what I experience frequently at the radio station. “I heard this song a few months ago at about 3:00pm. I don’t know the name of the artist or the song, can you tell me what it is?”)
  • “Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?”
  • “Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?”
  • “Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?”
  • “I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]”
  • “I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington’s birth certificate.”
  • “I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.”
  • “Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of important stuff.”
  • “I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.”
  • “Is the basement upstairs?” (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
  • “I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months.”

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

BATTLE OF THE REDHEADS

Ronald MacDonald has been arrested for robbing Wendy’s.

Seriously!  In Manchester, New Hampshire, a 22-year-old man, whose name is really Ronald MacDonald, has been charged with stealing money from a safe at a Wendy’s restaurant. The restaurant manager called police after he found MacDonald and another employee had taken money from the office safe. Ronald told the store manager he used his driver’s license to pick the lock to the office. After repeated requests, he finally returned the stolen money — all of $133 dollars.  ***MARLAR: Which incidentally will buy you about 26 extra value meals.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

John Macarthur: “I have a friend my age getting a tattoo. I asked him what it will say. He said ‘”my name and address.’”

 

Easter may be over in the United States, but it’s about to begin in Russia. On May 1, Russians everywhere will gather together to celebrate their biggest holiday of the year. According to Mission Network News, Easter in Russia is like Christmas in the United States. It’s HUGE but many Russians do not understand the holiday. In response, this year SOAR International is helping churches convey the real meaning of the holiday by sharing Easter baskets through its “Baskets of Hope” ministry. The Easter basket are filled with snacks, toys, hygiene items along with a Bible in their own langauge.

http://bit.ly/1PIWD6G

 

Thousands of churches in the US have been asked to set aside time in their services April 17 in order to pray for persecuted Christians around the world. The Voice of the Martyrs is one of the ministries behind this effort, called “Stand With the Persecuted Sunday.” What is challenging is that they are not asking us to pray that they will be released from their suffering or that persecution will end; instead they ask us to pray that they will be FAITHFUL TO CHRIST in spite of what it costs them.

http://bit.ly/1UWb1kn

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 08, 2016…

 

Before I Wake—Everyone has dreams that are fine and not so fine.  In this movie, a child keeps having nightmares that eventually come true, terribly true. The cast includes Kate Bosworth, Thomas Jane and Jacob Tremblay. “Before I Wake” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

The Boss—The next Melissa McCarthy comedy and this time she portrays a Martha Stewart-type character who is sent to prison for money problems.  Who is supposed to run her company when she is gone? Kristen Bell also stars and the film is directed by McCarthy’s real-life husband, Ben Falcone. “The Boss” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Demolition—The title makes one think of a demolition derby, but instead, it is about a man (Jake Gyllenhaal) who has had many tragedies in his life and is trying to pull himself together. One of his letters accidentally goes to the wrong office and Naomi Watts gets it and starts taking an interest in Jake. Chris Cooper is also in the cast. “Demolition” is rated R. No rating.

 

Mr. Right (opening in select cities) —This is a study of manic-depression and is a comedy. Yes, Sam Rockwell is a paid assassin who falls for the manic-depressive Anna Kendrick, who starts to think she is seeing and hearing things.  Tim Roth is also in the cast. “Mr. Right” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Term Life– Vince Vaughn stars in a comedy about a man who plans robberies for other people, but is now on the run. Hailee Steinfeld and Bill Paxton are also in the cast. “Term Life” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

APRIL 15, 2016…

 

The Jungle Book is an animated adaptation of the famed book with voices of Bill Murray and Idris Elba.

 

Barbershop 4: The Next Cut continues the series of keeping a barbershop open. Stars Ice Cube.

 

Criminal stars Kevin Costner as an ex-con with implanted memories.

 

Everybody Wants Some!! Is a humorous sports film about college baseball in the 1980’s.

 

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WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.