***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! IT’S PART OF YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! Email me to get more information, FTP access and your free customized tag!)
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Before we begin I’d just like to say, if this doesn’t work out, we’ll all meet at Burger King, stick French fries in our ears, and take pictures.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men — the testimony given in its proper time. –1 Timothy 2:5-6
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. — Romans 3:23-24
Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow. — Psalm 144:4
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. — Philippians 4:19
Thought: Throughout Scripture, God reminds us that if our trust is in him and if we share his blessings with others, he will make sure we have all that we need. How can we be sure? Look at Jesus!
Prayer: Dear Father, please forgive me for trying to find my security and hope in things other than you. I know that there is no other source of hope, freedom, and security than you. Help me tear down every idol that I may have erected that dilutes or distorts my trust in you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
John 4:14 NIV = but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.
TODAY IS FRIDAY – APRIL 14, 2017
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 254 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is INTERNATIONAL MOMENT OF LAUGHTER DAY, a time for everyone to find time to experience the power of laughter. ***And I feel honored that you’ve decided to celebrate by listening to (THE JOCK SHOW)! Thank you!
Today is SPRING HULA HOOPING DAY, a day to continue spring cleaning by throwing away your old hula hoop, but not without trying it out again one more time.
Today is NO HOUSEWORK DAY. ***Because you threw out your hip trying the hula hoop thing. (Duane Matz)
Today is DICTIONARY DAY. ***I’m currently reading the dictionary from the beginning. Please, no spoilers; I’d rather be surprised to see how the book ends!
TODAY IS ALSO…
Make Lunch Count Day
Thomas Jefferson Day
Celebrate Teen Literature Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
FRIDAY, APRIL 14
American Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Children with Alopecia Day
International Moment of Laughter Day
National Dolphin Day
National Ex-Spouse Day
National Pecan Day
Pan American Day
Pathologists’ Assistant Day
World Marbles Day
SATURDAY, APRIL 15
Jackie Robinson Day
One Boston Day
Rubber Eraser Day
Take a Wild Guess Day
That Sucks Day
Record Store Day
World Art Day
Husband Appreciation Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 16
MONDAY, APRIL 17
Bat Appreciation Day
Blah! Blah! Blah! Day
Ellis Island Family History Day
Ford Mustang Day
International Haiku Poetry Day
Malbec World Day
Nothing Like A Dame Day
TUESDAY, APRIL 18
Adult Autism Day
Income Tax Pay Day
International Amateur Radio Day
National Columnists’ Day
National Lineman Appreication Day
Pet Owners Independence Day
World Amateur Radio Day
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 19
Education & Sharing Day
John Parker Day
National Garlic Day
National Hanging Out Day
National Stress Awareness Day
National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day
Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day
THURSDAY, APRIL 20
Chinese Language Day
Get to Know Your Customers Day
International Cli-Fi Day
National Cheddar Fries Day
National Pot Smokers Day
High Five Day
National Ask An Atheist Day
National D.A.R.E. Day
FRIDAY, APRIL 21
Bulldogs are Beautiful Day
LGBT National Day of Silence
National Chocolate-Covered Cashews Day
National Day of Silence
National Donate Life (Blue and Green) Day
National Pro-Life T-Shirt Day
National Surprise Drug Test Day (yesterday was 420 Day)
National Yellow Bat Day
ON THIS DAY
1775: The first organization for the abolishment of slavery was organized by Benjamin Franklin and Benjamin Rush.
1871: Canada set the denominations of its currency as dollars, cents, and mills.
1902: James Cash Penney opened his first store, called “The Golden Rule,” in Kemmerer, Wyoming.
1955: Imperial Records released Fats Domino’s “Ain’t That A Shame.”
1956: Ampex demonstrated its first videotape recorder. It was the size of a large freezer.
1958: Laurie London’s “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” knocked off Perry Como’s “Catch A Falling Star” as America’s #1 pop song.
1968: Rookie New York Mets pitcher Nolan Ryan won his first major league game. In six and two-thirds innings, he allowed the Houston Astros just three hits.
1983: The first cordless telephone, capable of operating up to 600 feet from its base, was introduced by Fidelity and British Telecom.
1986: Unruly baseball fans disrupted Opening Day in Toronto as hundreds ran onto the field throughout the Blue Jays-Orioles game. Police ejected 126 fans and jailed 35 others. The Orioles won.
1991: A dromedary camel gave birth to a 100-pound son at Busche Gardens in Tampa. Park workers nicknamed the baby Norman Schwarzkopf.
1996: Su Juan was crowned fattest person in Beijing and awarded $600 worth of diet food. The 5-feet-5, 27-year-old woman weighed 374 pounds. She said she was thin until she stopped judo training.
1998: Residents of the small northern New Mexico community of Medanales announced they had given up on having a city limits sign with town’s name spelled right. They said they’d tried several times, but the state highway department always gets it wrong.
2001: The Indian government hired several large monkeys to scare away thousands of smaller rhesus monkeys that had been attacking New Delhi’s civil servants and trashing state property. The fearsome-looking langur monkeys patroled New Delhi’s defense, external affairs and finance ministries – as well as the army headquarters and Delhi’s main hospital – snarling menacingly at intruders. Each guardmonkey was paid $15 a month, in bananas.
2006: A homeless cat saved the life of a newborn baby abandoned in the middle of the night with temperatures near zero on the doorstep of a house in Cologne, Germany. Police said the cat meowed loudly until someone woke up and opened the door to see why all the racket. Thanks to the cat, the baby boy suffered only mild hypothermia.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1775: America’s first society to abolish slavery organizes in Philadelphia.
1759: George Frideric Handel, composer of the oratorio Messiah, dies at age 74 in London.
HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (The Grudge, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) Sarah Michelle Gellar 40
Actor (Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, “The Dead Zone”, The Dark Knight) Anthony Michael Hall 49 (audio clip)
Actor (“Everybody Loves Raymond”) Brad Garrett, 57 (audio clip)
actor (“Mutant X”, Lex Luthor on “Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman”) John Shea 68 (audio clip)
actress (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Neverland, Dragonheart, Heaven Can Wait) Julie Christie 77
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1935 : Loretta Lynn
1962 : Joey Pesce (’til tuesday)
1964 : Vinnie Moore (UFO)
1969 : Martyn Le Noble (Porno For Pyros)
1974 : DaBrat
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Where do we get the term “Mad as a Hatter?”
In the 19th century, craftsmen who made hats were known to be excitable and irrational, as well as to tremble with palsy and mix up their words. Such behavior gave rise to the familiar expression “mad as a hatter”. The disorder, called hatter’s shakes, was caused by chronic mercury poisoning from the solution used to treat the felt. Attacking the central nervous system, the toxin led to behavioral symptoms.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
A word of advice from Mark Schultz. He posted over the weekend: Found out today that iPads don’t bounce. https://www.instagram.com/p/BSmH_pGhSQZ/
A suggestion from Third Day’s David Carr: I think streaming breaking news stories ought to be exempt from ads. It’s off-putting to see a commercial right before a tragic story.
Question of the Day from Shane and Shane: What is your most overused emoji?
Jimmy Needham: Just got home from a date and our babysitter told us she killed a Black Widow inside our house…In other news, we’re moving. Tonight.
It’s Colton Dixon and David Crowder like you have never seen them before. Check out their best rendition of a man and his fox! https://www.instagram.com/p/BSaKmWtlmCy/
Point of Grace will be celebrating the groups 25th Anniversary this fall with a special Circle of Friends weekend. Right now the weekend is still in the development phase but members of Point of Grace say it will take place October 27 through 29. http://www.inspirationcruises.com/pog
NeedtoBreathe celebrated the launch of their new series Hard Love Is by featuring a series of street performers playing their song. The series captures the stories, relationships, triumphs, and challenges that help shape how different people think about Hard Love. Watch the street performer video at https://www.instagram.com/p/BSeoTbRjPfQ/
Casting Crowns Mark Hall describes himself as an extroverted introvert. He posted: My office is one of my happy places. Especially when everyone is gone
Steven Curtis Chapman was profoundly impacted by Glen Campbell early in his life. Steven posted this week: His records were some of the first I listened to as a kid and still to this day his voice and his songs have a pretty powerful effect on me. This week Steven shared a cover of one of his favorite Glen Campbell songs. He said: I hope this will bring a smile to some of your faces and encourage you to say a prayer for Glen, who is in the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s Disease, his sweet wife Kim, and his family. Listen to the cover song at https://www.facebook.com/stevencurtischapman/videos/10154837176727949/
Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo says he has definite evidence that it was date night. He posted: When you go downtown with a pretty girl, listening to 80s love songs, see a movie, and eat Italian food…you know it’s date night.
(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Close the book. Turn off the TV. You need to go to bed, turn off the light and sleep. Losing sleep does more than make you foggy the next day. It can cause a permanent loss of brain cells. And not just a few. A consistent lack of sleep can result in the irreversible loss of as much as 25 percent of brain cells, according to researchers at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and collaborators from Peking University. The study found that regularly getting the proper amount of sleep is critically important to your continued good health. And while you can get away with occasionally staying up too late, doing this repeatedly will take its toll with irreversible damage. And sleeping long hours on the weekend won’t fix it. ***Well… this explains just about everything you’d ever want to know about me.
Now there’s an online dating app that matches people by their credit scores. ***That’s got to be an exciting dating profile. “I’m looking for a man who’s passions include classical music, moonlit walks on the beach, and paying off his credit card every month…”
A British man met and married a woman after dreamt of her phone number and then sent her a text message. After dreaming of her number the man texted: “Did I meet you last night?” His random recipient was confused but decided to reply and the two began exchanging messages. Eventually they met and fell in love. *** “You don’t know me, but I dreamed of you last night – and I have your phone number…” Well that’s not creepy at all.
A woman in China advertised for a roommate and found one. The female roommate will pay $94 a month, which includes half the apartment’s twin bed. The woman described the decision to share the twin bed as a simple one: “I wanted to save money…” ***”Sleeping double in a single bed” sounds like a horrible idea for a Country song.
Video has surfaced of a man walking in a Sacramento neighborhood who was confronted by a police officer – then beaten by the cop – after he was stopped for jaywalking. ***I say beat the living snot out of the guy! Oh, wait… I thought they said he was a Jayhawker – not a jaywalker. Sorry. I’m not a big K.U. fan. Never mind, moving on.
A couple left their daughter behind in a plane after landing in a Chinese city. After parents boarded the plane with their 10-year-old daughter she sat alone at the back of the plane during the entire flight. When the aircraft landed, the parents got off the plane. During a routine check after the flight, cabin crews found the girl still asleep. ***The only thing that could make these parents worse is if they were flying United.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Buildings of all kinds — homes, offices, cafes, schools — are being constructed out of recycled shipping containers. According to David Cross, co-founder of SG blocks, a company specializing in container construction, the energy used to construct a container home is about 95 percent less than the energy used to melt (discard) the container. Yet they’re not just for the environmentally conscious! Container homes are typically cheaper and faster to build than traditionally constructed homes. And because they’re made from steel, they’re also extremely durable. ***Spending a hot summer day in a big metal box; yeah, that’s my idea of home.
Indiana State University researchers suggest you help kids get in shape by adding weights to their toys. ***Aren’t sixteen-pound yo-yos inherently dangerous?
A recent study suggests better access to stairs in office buildings — and signs reminding people to use them — might encourage workers to get more exercise. ***Key word – “might”. Now, please point me to the escalator.
Well all know that Americans don’t eat their fruits and veggies, but data from the USDA lets us count the ways. According to figures that compare actual grocery spending with what the government recommends over an eight-year period, we’re buying a fraction of green vegetables, legumes and whole fruits than what’s suggested. Instead, we buy way more juice, frozen dinners and candy. ***Well, yeah… but the candy IS fruit flavored, so it’s pretty much a non-issue.
New research says caffeine improves your memory. A team at Johns Hopkins University, found that caffeine had measurable, positive effects on both short term and long term memory. ***Now, if I could just remember where I left my coffee mug…
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear was tied up, gagged, and tossed into the river by the animals, led by Millard the Monkey, because Gruffy refused to settle on a picnic spot. But it wasn’t long before Millard was treated the same way by Sully the Aardvark… but now Sully’s floating down the river!
CLOSE: Tune in next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
A passenger from Glasgow (GLAS’-goh), Scotland, has been charged with reckless endangerment and criminal tampering for trying to get off a Delta Air Lines flight stuck on a taxiway at New York’s Kennedy International Airport. Flight 149, bound for Las Vegas from Rome, was stopped by bad weather and congested skies after pulling away from the gate. Authorities say when it still hadn’t taken off two hours and 45 minutes later, Robert McDonald, traveling with his wife, got up and started opening an emergency exit. Flight attendants stopped him before the evacuation chute deployed. The jet returned to the gate, McDonald was arrested and the other passengers were rebooked on a later flight. He did not enter a plea at his arraignment and was released pending a court hearing in May. If convicted, McDonald could get up to a year in jail.
WORST NAMES FOR A SEAFOOD RESTAURANT
The Ol’ Chum Bucket
It Might Be Flounder
The Festering Cod
3-Mile Island Trout ‘N’ Things
The Gagging Deck Hand
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Something fishy is going on in the files of Law & Disorder!
FILE #1: There was something fishy about the 911 call that summoned police to the scene of a stabbing in Madeira Beach, Florida. The cops arrested one man for running another through — with the sawed-off bill of a swordfish. The fight allegedly started on a dock and ended in the apartment of the victim, who recovered from his wound. His attacker was charged with aggravated battery.
FILE #2: A Tulsa, Oklahoma man, who forced his way into his former girlfriend’s apartment, got into a fight with the woman’s new boyfriend. During the fight, the man lost part of his ear! The new boyfriend told police he was just trying to protect himself and his girlfriend, so during the struggle he bit the intruder’s ear. Doctors were unable to reattach the ear.
FILE #3: Police in Australia are calling it one of the “dumbest” crimes they have ever heard of. Two crooks broke into a security company. Sixteen of 25 surveillance cameras installed at Gold Coast Security captured high quality digital video images of the burglars as alarm bells rang and the pair desperately ransacked the premises in search of valuables. The two tried to cover their faces, but only after looking directly into the cameras. Undeterred, the two stole what they thought were three video recorders. Instead, it just turned out to be three cases for video recorders. Police are using the videotape to identify the pair.
STRANGE LAW: It is required by Kentucky law that you must bathe (either by shower or bath) no less than once a year.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
If you want to give a pretty lady a ride home – be sure you’re driving a cool car, not a school bus.
Police in Arkansas say a drunken 44-year-old Joseph P. Fannin stole a parked school bus and then asked a woman if she wanted to go for a ride. Police say Fannin took an El Dorado School District bus parked near a bar and left it in a motel driveway. They say a woman called them after Fannin asked if she wanted a ride. Police say Fannin told them he’d been kicked out of the bar and got into the bus because it was “a warm, dry place.” The school district says the driver was out of town and that the keys must’ve been left behind.
86% of us wish our spouse would do this? Drop some weight. So, how do you delicately convince your spouse to lose weight? Do you just ask? Or is your approach more covert?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: When Hezekiah was sick unto death, what prophet told him that he was going to die?
ANSWER: Isaiah (2 Kings 20:1)
QUESTION: How can you say the following sentence without using any r’s? – “Richard and Robert purchased a Rottweiler.” Is there a way of saying the same thing without using the letter R?
ANSWER: Dick and Bob bought a dog!
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. In Singapore, it is illegal to chew gum. (True)
2. The drinking straw was invented in 1772. (False – 1886. It was invented by hand rolling paraffined Manila paper)
3. Cars were first started with ignition keys in 1949. (True)
4. Many hamsters blink one eye at a time. (True)
5. Olathe, Kansas has more donut stores per capita than any other place in the world. (False – Whitby, Ontario)
6. A can of Spam is opened every fourteen seconds. (False – every four seconds!)
7. Howdy Doody had 48 freckles. (True)
8. The percent of women who wash their hands after leaving a restroom is 80%. (True)
9. The percent of men who wash their hands after using a restroom is 55%. (True)
10. You breathe about 100 million times a year. (False – 10 million)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
TALKING PINK _________ (ELEPHANTS)
Zookeepers have been tending to several pink elephants for years, but this week they were shocked to learn that the pink elephants- talk!
Pink elephants were parading around a Burmese zoo over the weekend – as they do every weekend – when one of them turned to a zookeeper and said, “Peanuts. I want some peanuts.” The zookeeper didn’t speak English, but he was shocked to hear words come out of the elephants mouth. A pink elephant English interpreter was brought in to work with the elephants.
The elephants haven’t stopped talking since. Zookeepers told WWN that the pink elephants are mostly concerned with zoo conditions, their food and the amount of exercise they are getting on a daily basis. ”They had a lot of complaints, but we are trying to accommodate all their demands,” said Bin Dowa, a zookeeper.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”
Charles H. Spurgeon, the prince of preachers, was emphasizing to his budding preacher’s class the importance of making one’s facial expression harmonize with one’s speech.
“When you speak of Heaven,” he said, “let your face light up, let it be irradiated with a heavenly gleam, let your eyes shine with reflected glory. But when you speak of hell – well, then your ordinary face will do!”
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.
It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”
Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”
Relative to their weight and size, birds are stronger than people. ***In other words, do NOT tick off Big Bird.
Peladophobia refers to the fear of bald people. ***And no, I’m not showing you the back of my head.
People have the tendency to chew the food on the side that they most often use their hand. ***Not me – I’m right-handed but I chew on the left side. But then, that’s because of my dental plan – I chew on the side that doesn’t hurt.
The silk that is produced by spiders is stronger than steel. ***Which means New York City has to use the Jaws of Life to clean up after Spiderman.
Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas
Tax his notes, Tax his cash
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he’s good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he’s laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
“Taxes drove him to his doom.”
After he’s gone, we won’t relax.
We’ll still collect the inheritance tax.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
REALLY NICE MUGGING VICTIMS
When the Bible tells you to be nice to your enemies and to smother your enemies with kindness, these people really must have taken it to heart!
After finishing their 20th anniversary dinner, Lonnie and Tammy Crawford were held up at gunpoint by a robber just outside the restaurant. The crook stole their cell phone and all the money they had in their pockets — $8. Lonnie reportedly said to the criminal, “Buddy, don’t you know you could get 10 years in prison for this?” What he said must of hit home, because the robber quickly returned to the couple saying he was down on his luck and that he had never done anything like that before. He then returned the cell phone and tried to return the money. The Crawfords said they felt he needed the money more than they did and told him to keep it. After apologizing several more times, the gunman wished the couple a happy anniversary and walked off. The couple, who said they wouldn’t press charges, just so happen to be residents of Niceville, Florida.
When my son was 11 years old, he got a small job helping out with a traveling carnival while it was in our town.
He didn’t come home at lunch time, phoning instead to tell me he was fine and had found a few days work helping out at an exhibit. He turned up for supper as usual however after he finished work.
I asked him how he had managed at lunch and he told me he had made some new friends at the carnival, some young men who were twin brothers, and their mom and dad. They had paid him a few dollars and invited him for lunch in return for helping them set up their exhibit and wanted him to return the next day to help with other chores.
I was glad he had found new friends but a little apprehensive about the type of people that might be traveling in a carnival.
“Oh Mom, these are just normal everyday people like anyone else. They just work at a carnival instead of in a store or something. Come down tomorrow and meet them yourself,” he said.
So the next day I went to the carnival and to the exhibit he had directed me to. The twin brothers turned out to be Siamese twins, joined at the chest.
He hadn’t thought this fact was noteworthy enough to mention. When I brought it to him he said, “Yes, I noticed that too. Do you know that their mom has to make all their clothes because it’s so difficult to find anything to fit them? They’re also really good cooks. Today, Joe, the one on the right, made me spaghetti for lunch.”
What others see first in a person (or persons) is not what a child considers important.
Where I saw Siamese twins, he saw people having difficulty buying clothes that fit, and young men who were good cooks.
It was a lesson I have thought about many times over the years.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
It is required in stewards that one be found faithful. —1 Corinthians 4:2
Much of our attention and praise is directed toward highly visible and successful people. But occasionally we read about an ordinary, obscure person being honored for many years of faithful service. It may be a school custodian, a cafeteria worker, a handyman, or a clerk in a store who has served others in a dependable and unselfish way.
That kind of reliability often goes unnoticed, but I believe it’s a powerful picture of how we are to live. Although consistency may not be flashy, days add up to a life of great significance to God.
Paul wrote, “It is required in stewards that one be found faithful” (1 Corinthians 4:2). If we live faithfully for Christ, God has promised to reward us at His appointed time. When the Lord comes, He “will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the counsels of the hearts. Then each one’s praise will come from God” (v.5).
When we long for success, God says, “I will reward you.”
When we ache for recognition, God says, “I see you.”
When we are ready to quit, God says, “I will help you.”
Whether our service is public or private, our responsibility is the same—to be faithful. —David McCasland
In all the little things of life,
Yourself, Lord, may I see;
In little and in great alike,
Help me to faithful be! —Anon.
God doesn’t ask us to be successful but to be faithful.
GARAGE SALE RULES
Hey, we’ve got warm weather – must be time to hit the garage sales! Here are some hints on how to have the best garage sale experience possible:
- While everybody likes to start at the exclusive part of town, the smart shopper starts out at the OLDEST section, in terms of demographics and age of houses. The junk has had many more years to pile up, as opposed to the neighborhoods with the four or five year old houses. Your chances of getting a $300 antique for .25 also increase dramatically.
- Bicycles are usually a bad deal at garage sales. Sure you can get one for $25 bucks, but who has the time to replace all the tires and tubes, fix the handbrakes, etc? The nicer ones are usually priced too high… it’s probably better (and safer) to spend another $120 dollars and get a new one at the Wal-Mart.
- Home exercise equipment at garage sales is usually not worth it. You NEVER see a used Soloflex or a Nordic-Track. Rather, these sales are full of 15 year old exercise bikes (with the chain drive and the saddle seat) and lots of stuff ordered from TV that didn’t work.
THINGS YOU NEVER BUY USED:
- Child car seats (they may have microscopic stress cracks from a prior impact)
- Underwear (like you ever would?!?)
- Eating utensils
- Toilet plungers (yeah right)
- Caskets (just kidding)
LIFE… LIVE IT
From the folks at Hallmark.com and their creation, Maxine the Queen of Crabbiness, here are a few ways to ensure getting audited by the IRS…
Pay in pennies (delivered by sling slot).
Deduct calls made to the Psychic Network in an attempt to get winning PowerBall numbers.
Claim your cat as a dependent.
Claim charitable deductions that equal more than your income.
On the line that asks what you made this year, answer “Trouble.”
Deduct adoption costs associated with adopting a new personality.
Claim a home office deduction based on all the in-home counseling you give to friends and family.
Wait till the last minute and copy the numbers from the guy standing next to you in line at the post office.
Fill out your forms in yellow crayon.
Detail 11,215 Internet stock trades — and claim you came out exactly even.
JUST FOR FUN
WAITING, WAITING, WAITING
Hey guys… hate waiting around for your woman as she tries on clothes at the mall? You’re not alone.
According to a recent survey of 2000 men, the average man spends nearly a week of his life sitting in the car waiting to pick up his significant other. He also spends 22 weeks of his life waiting outside the dressing room while his partner tries on clothing. Not all at once, mind you… but it sure seems that way sometimes. And 60% of the men surveyed said all of this waiting drives them crazy – so much so that 10% of men have actually broken up with a girlfriend or divorced a wife because of the constant waiting. Ouch. Even worse, 20% of men say they entertain themselves while waiting by checking out other women in the store. ***MARLAR: This makes no sense, guys. If you’re going to be checking out the other women in the store, what happens if you hit it off, dump your woman, and starting dating the new chick? You met the lady while she was trying on clothes! What makes you think you won’t be waiting for HER now? All you’d be doing is trading in for a newer model… meaning you’re adding that many more years of waiting to your life.
WEIRD LIBRARY REFERENCE QUESTIONS
All of these situations are real and some of them were mighty embarrassing. Enjoy! Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.
“Do you have books here?”
“Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?”
“Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?”
“I’m looking for Robert James Waller’s book, ‘Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'” (Actual title wanted: “Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.”)
“Where is the reference desk?” This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying “REFERENCE DESK”!
“I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?” (This is very similar to what I experience frequently at the radio station. “I heard this song a few months ago at about 3:00pm. I don’t know the name of the artist or the song, can you tell me what it is?”)
“Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?”
“Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?”
“Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?”
“I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]”
“I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington’s birth certificate.”
“I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.”
“Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of important stuff.”
“I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.”
“Is the basement upstairs?” (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
“I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months.”
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
BATTLE OF THE REDHEADS
Ronald MacDonald has been arrested for robbing Wendy’s.
Seriously! In Manchester, New Hampshire, a 22-year-old man, whose name is really Ronald MacDonald, has been charged with stealing money from a safe at a Wendy’s restaurant. The restaurant manager called police after he found MacDonald and another employee had taken money from the office safe. Ronald told the store manager he used his driver’s license to pick the lock to the office. After repeated requests, he finally returned the stolen money — all of $133 dollars. ***MARLAR: Which incidentally will buy you about 26 extra value meals.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Is it better to RUN… or to WALK? The best exercise for your heart is brisk walking, and not running. It turns out, it is the distance you go, rather than the speed, that reaps the biggest health benefits, according to researchers from the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory in Berkeley, California and Hartford Hospital in Connecticut. And those benefits include reducing blood pressure and cholesterol, as well as lowering the risk of type 2 diabetes. To be sure, running is a heart-healthy exercise, but this study showed that brisk walking will give the same benefit with a far lower incidence of injury. Running and walking led to similar reductions in risk for high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes, and perhaps even heart disease, reports HealthDay News. Running reduced the risk of high blood pressure 4.2 percent, and walking reduced the risk 7.2 percent. Running reduced the risk for high cholesterol 4.3 percent, and walking lowered the risk 7 percent. Running lowered the risk for diabetes 12.1 percent, and walking reduced the risk 12.3 percent.
When you are desperate to lose weight, it’s tempting to believe there is an easy way to do it. Note to self: There isn’t. So don’t fall for one diet trick that has gone viral — and could be dangerous. It’s called the vinegar diet. In 2009, a medical study from Japan that has since been debunked, concluded that drinking one or two teaspoons of apple cider vinegar before meals would help adults lose two to four pounds over a 12-week period with no other dietary or exercise changes. It just isn’t true. Dr. Domenica Rubino, who is head of the Washington Center for Weight Management and Research in Arlington, Virginia, told WTOP News in Washington, DC, that there is no scientific evidence to back up the claim. There is one reason it might work (and it’s not good): drinking vinegar can upset your stomach so you lose your desire for food.
Fight a lot? Worried about divorce? As long as you exhibit a certain type of emotion, your marriage should be fine. Conflict is something that all couples experience. But it is not whether a couple fight and argue, but rather how they communicate during that argument that helps determine if they will stay together for the long haul, says Dr. Keith Sanford, a clinical psychologist and an associate professor of psychology and neuroscience at Baylor University in Waco, Texas. Sanford studied dozens of couples as they communicated through a fight, focusing on positive and negative communication. He found that the emotions and types of thoughts a person uses are especially important. Negative emotion can actually be a good thing. Sanford distinguishes between two types of negative emotion, “hard” and “soft.” “Hard” emotion is associated with asserting power. “Soft” emotion is associated with expressing vulnerability. Sanford and his team consistently found that hard emotion escalated fights, but they also found that soft emotion is generally beneficial for relationships. Soft emotion appears to increase a couple’s motivation to address a conflict and often leads to productive approaches toward resolving the conflict.
And you thought it was beer that could hurt your liver. Pizza can do it, too. Eating any high-fat meal–from a cheeseburger and fries to a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese–disrupts liver function, HealthDay News reports of research from Germany. And over time the rapid effect of “fat loading” could contribute to fatty liver disease. What foods are most likely to damage the liver? Butter, fatty cheeses and coconut oil lead the list, followed by fatty beef, lamb, pork, poultry with the skin, cream and other dairy products made from whole or reduced-fat (2 percent) milk. There is good news. Healthy people can overcome the effects of fat loading — in just a few days — by changing their diet. Instead of bingeing on foods with saturated fats, eat fruits, vegetables, whole grains, low-fat dairy products, poultry (without the skin), fish and nuts. Limit red meat and sugary foods and beverages.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 14, 2017…
Fate Of The Furious (No. 8 in the series)—And here we go with Vin Diesel and his pals (Jordana Brewster and Lucas Black) winding down after the last film, and Vin and Jordana are on their honeymoon. Along comes trouble with a woman (Charlize Theron) who wants Vin to go back into crime, cars and all. Hmm. Also in the cast are Dwayne Johnson, Kurt Russell, Helen Mirren (you read that right) and Scott Eastwood. “Fate Of The Furious” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.
Gifted—Raising a child is a life’s work, and in this case, it is a girl (McKenna Grace) who is considered a prodigy. Dad (Chris Evans) has to go against the school principal and his own mother, Lindsay Duncan. Olivia Spencer is a family friend. Also in the cast are Jenny Slate and Glenn Plummer. “Gifted” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Spark: Space Tail—Here is an animated story about a teenage monkey and his friends trying to save Planet Vana from the evil warlord, Zhong. This guy destroys planets and the friends want to help put other planets together. Oh, and a monster named “Kragan” is on the loose, too. Voices of Jessica Biel, Patrick Stewart, Hilary Swank and A. C. Peterson. “Spark: Space Tail” is rated PG. No rating.
APRIL 21, 2017…
Unforgettable has Katharine Heigl as the former wife who hates the new wife.
War With Grandpa stars Robert De Niro in a comedy about the grandpa who isn’t welcome.
Born In China is a documentary on the lives of young wild animals, including pandas. John Krasinki narrates.
Lost City of Z concerns the true story of Sir Percival Fawcett who was lost in the Amazon in the 1920’s. Stars Charlie Hunnam.
(new opening) Free Fire, an action film about gangs in Boston, 1978. Stars Brie Larson and Armie Hammer.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.