April 14, 2018: Saturday ONAIRprep

ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.

Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at darren@marlarhouse.com to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!

**********
PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180414
PDF: 20180414

**********

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Before we begin I’d just like to say, if this doesn’t work out, we’ll all meet at Burger King, stick French fries in our ears, and take pictures.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men — the testimony given in its proper time. –1 Timothy 2:5-6

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. — Romans 3:23-24

Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow. — Psalm 144:4

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. — Philippians 4:19

Thought: Throughout Scripture, God reminds us that if our trust is in him and if we share his blessings with others, he will make sure we have all that we need. How can we be sure? Look at Jesus!

Prayer: Dear Father, please forgive me for trying to find my security and hope in things other than you. I know that there is no other source of hope, freedom, and security than you. Help me tear down every idol that I may have erected that dilutes or distorts my trust in you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

John 4:14 NIV = but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

TODAY IS SATURDAY – APRIL 14, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
254 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is INTERNATIONAL MOMENT OF LAUGHTER DAY, a time for everyone to find time to experience the power of laughter.  ***And I feel honored that you’ve decided to celebrate by listening to (THE JOCK SHOW)!  Thank you!

Today is SPRING HULA HOOPING DAY, a day to continue spring cleaning by throwing away your old hula hoop, but not without trying it out again one more time.

Today is NO HOUSEWORK DAY.  ***Because you threw out your hip trying the hula hoop thing. (Duane Matz)

Today is DICTIONARY DAY. ***I’m currently reading the dictionary from the beginning. Please, no spoilers; I’d rather be surprised to see how the book ends!

TODAY IS ALSO…

American Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Baby Massage Day
Children with Alopecia Day
Dictionary Day
Global Day to End Child Sexual Abuse
International Moment of Laughter Day
National Dolphin Day
National Ex-Spouse Day
National Gardening Day
National Pecan Day
Pan American Day
Pathologists’ Assistant Day
Slow Art Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SUNDAY, APRIL 15

Jackie Robinson Day
McDonald’s Day
One Boston Day
Rubber Eraser Day
Take a Wild Guess Day
That Sucks Day
World Art Day

MONDAY APRIL 16

Boston Marathon
Emancipation Day
Foursquare Day
National Bean Counter Day
National Health Care Decisions Day
National Orchid Day
Save The Elephant Day

TUESDAY, APRIL 17

Bat Appreciation Day
Blah! Blah! Blah! Day
Ellis Island Family History Day
Ford Mustang Day
Herbalist Day
Income Tax Pay Day
International Haiku Poetry Day
Malbec World Day
National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day
Nothing Like A Dame Day
World Hemophilia Day

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18

Adult Autism Day
International Amateur Radio Day
International Day for Monuments and Sites
National Columnists’ Day
National Lineman Appreciation Day
Pet Owners Independence Day
World Amateur Radio Day

THURSDAY, APRIL 19

Bicycle Day
Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Action Day
Get to Know Your Customers Day
John Parker Day
National Garlic Day
National Hanging Out Day
National Ask An Atheist Day
National D.A.R.E. Day
National Stress Awareness Day
Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 20

Chinese Language Day
International Cli-Fi Day
National Cheddar Fries Day
National Pot Smokers Day
National Teach Children to Save Day

SATURDAY, APRIL 21

Auctioneers Day
Bulldogs are Beautiful Day
Husband Appreciation Day
Kindergarten Day
National Chocolate-Covered Cashews Day
National Pro-Life T-Shirt Day
National Surprise Drug Test Day
National Yellow Bat Day
Queen’s Birthday (real date)
Record Store Day
Spring Astronomy Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 22

Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day
Earth Day
Girl Scout Leaders Day
Global Selfie Earth Day (NASA)
“In God We Trust Day” Day
Mother Earth Day
National Jelly Bean Day

MONDAY, APRIL 23

English Language Day
English Muffin Day
Impossible Astronaut Day (Dr. Who)
National Lost Dog Awareness Day
Movie Theatre Day
Talk Like Shakespeare Day
World Book & Copyright Day
World Book Night

TUESDAY, APRIL 24

Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day
Sauvignon Blanc Day
New Kids on The Block Day
World Day for Animals in Laboratories
World Meningitis Day

ON THIS DAY

1775: The first organization for the abolishment of slavery was organized by Benjamin Franklin and Benjamin Rush.

1871: Canada set the denominations of its currency as dollars, cents, and mills.

1902: James Cash Penney opened his first store, called “The Golden Rule,” in Kemmerer, Wyoming.

1955: Imperial Records released Fats Domino’s “Ain’t That A Shame.”

1956: Ampex demonstrated its first videotape recorder. It was the size of a large freezer.

1958: Laurie London’s “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” knocked off Perry Como’s “Catch A Falling Star” as America’s #1 pop song.

1968: Rookie New York Mets pitcher Nolan Ryan won his first major league game. In six and two-thirds innings, he allowed the Houston Astros just three hits.

1983: The first cordless telephone, capable of operating up to 600 feet from its base, was introduced by Fidelity and British Telecom.

1986: Unruly baseball fans disrupted Opening Day in Toronto as hundreds ran onto the field throughout the Blue Jays-Orioles game. Police ejected 126 fans and jailed 35 others. The Orioles won.

1991: A dromedary camel gave birth to a 100-pound son at Busche Gardens in Tampa. Park workers nicknamed the baby Norman Schwarzkopf.

1996: Su Juan was crowned fattest person in Beijing and awarded $600 worth of diet food. The 5-feet-5, 27-year-old woman weighed 374 pounds. She said she was thin until she stopped judo training.

1998: Residents of the small northern New Mexico community of Medanales announced they had given up on having a city limits sign with town’s name spelled right. They said they’d tried several times, but the state highway department always gets it wrong.

2001: The Indian government hired several large monkeys to scare away thousands of smaller rhesus monkeys that had been attacking New Delhi’s civil servants and trashing state property. The fearsome-looking langur monkeys patroled New Delhi’s defense, external affairs and finance ministries – as well as the army headquarters and Delhi’s main hospital – snarling menacingly at intruders. Each guardmonkey was paid $15 a month, in bananas.

2006: A homeless cat saved the life of a newborn baby abandoned in the middle of the night with temperatures near zero on the doorstep of a house in Cologne, Germany. Police said the cat meowed loudly until someone woke up and opened the door to see why all the racket. Thanks to the cat, the baby boy suffered only mild hypothermia.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1775: America’s first society to abolish slavery organizes in Philadelphia.

1759: George Frideric Handel, composer of the oratorio Messiah, dies at age 74 in London.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Little Miss Sunshine) Abigail Breslin, 21

  • actress (The Grudge, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) Sarah Michelle Gellar 40

  • actor (The Pianist, The Village, King Kong, Predators) Adrien Brody, 44

  • Actor (Sixteen Candles, Weird Science, “The Dead Zone”, The Dark Knight) Anthony Michael Hall 49 (audio clip)

  • Actor (“Everybody Loves Raymond”) Brad Garrett, 57 (audio clip)

  • actor (“Mutant X”, Lex Luthor on “Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman”) John Shea 68 (audio clip)

  • former baseball player Pete Rose, 76

  • actress (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Neverland, Dragonheart, Heaven Can Wait) Julie Christie 77

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1935 : Loretta Lynn

1945 : Ritchie Blackmore (Deep Purple, Rainbow, Blackmore’s Night)

1962 : Joey Pesce (’til tuesday)

1964 : Vinnie Moore (UFO)

1969 : Martyn Le Noble (Porno For Pyros)

1974 : DaBrat

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Where do we get the term “Mad as a Hatter?”

In the 19th century, craftsmen who made hats were known to be excitable and irrational, as well as to tremble with palsy and mix up their words. Such behavior gave rise to the familiar expression “mad as a hatter”. The disorder, called hatter’s shakes, was caused by chronic mercury poisoning from the solution used to treat the felt. Attacking the central nervous system, the toxin led to behavioral symptoms.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

*****NOTE: THIS FEATURE WILL BE TAKING A BREAK FROM MARCH 31 THRU APRL 16. IT WILL RETURN TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2018.*****

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were selling all of their possessions and packing up to move out of the jungle as fast as possible because they were all terrified of a giant, disgusting, loud, smelly, awful giant-footed monster! But just before everyone moved, Sully the Aardvark thought about something…

CLOSE: Oh great… so maybe the monster IS real! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
A passenger from Glasgow (GLAS’-goh), Scotland, has been charged with reckless endangerment and criminal tampering for trying to get off a Delta Air Lines flight stuck on a taxiway at New York’s Kennedy International Airport.  Flight 149, bound for Las Vegas from Rome, was stopped by bad weather and congested skies after pulling away from the gate.  Authorities say when it still hadn’t taken off two hours and 45 minutes later, Robert McDonald, traveling with his wife, got up and started opening an emergency exit. Flight attendants stopped him before the evacuation chute deployed.  The jet returned to the gate, McDonald was arrested and the other passengers were rebooked on a later flight.  He did not enter a plea at his arraignment and was released pending a court hearing in May. If convicted, McDonald could get up to a year in jail.

TOP TEN

WORST NAMES FOR A SEAFOOD RESTAURANT

The Ol’ Chum Bucket

Parasite Island

It Might Be Flounder

The Festering Cod

Botulism Bay

TGI Scurvy’s

3-Mile Island Trout ‘N’ Things

Yesterday’s Sushi

The Gagging Deck Hand

Green Lobster

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Something fishy is going on in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: There was something fishy about the 911 call that summoned police to the scene of a stabbing in Madeira Beach, Florida. The cops arrested one man for running another through — with the sawed-off bill of a swordfish. The fight allegedly started on a dock and ended in the apartment of the victim, who recovered from his wound. His attacker was charged with aggravated battery.

FILE #2: A Tulsa, Oklahoma man, who forced his way into his former girlfriend’s apartment, got into a fight with the woman’s new boyfriend. During the fight, the man lost part of his ear! The new boyfriend told police he was just trying to protect himself and his girlfriend, so during the struggle he bit the intruder’s ear. Doctors were unable to reattach the ear.

FILE #3: Police in Australia are calling it one of the “dumbest” crimes they have ever heard of. Two crooks broke into a security company. Sixteen of 25 surveillance cameras installed at Gold Coast Security captured high quality digital video images of the burglars as alarm bells rang and the pair desperately ransacked the premises in search of valuables. The two tried to cover their faces, but only after looking directly into the cameras. Undeterred, the two stole what they thought were three video recorders. Instead, it just turned out to be three cases for video recorders. Police are using the videotape to identify the pair.

STRANGE LAW: It is required by Kentucky law that you must bathe (either by shower or bath) no less than once a year.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

If you want to give a pretty lady a ride home – be sure you’re driving a cool car, not a school bus.

Police in Arkansas say a drunken 44-year-old Joseph P. Fannin stole a parked school bus and then asked a woman if she wanted to go for a ride. Police say Fannin took an El Dorado School District bus parked near a bar and left it in a motel driveway. They say a woman called them after Fannin asked if she wanted a ride. Police say Fannin told them he’d been kicked out of the bar and got into the bus because it was “a warm, dry place.” The school district says the driver was out of town and that the keys must’ve been left behind.

PHONER PHUN

86% of us wish our spouse would do this? Drop some weight. So, how do you delicately convince your spouse to lose weight? Do you just ask? Or is your approach more covert?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: When Hezekiah was sick unto death, what prophet told him that he was going to die?

ANSWER: Isaiah (2 Kings 20:1)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How can you say the following sentence without using any r’s? – “Richard and Robert purchased a Rottweiler.” Is there a way of saying the same thing without using the letter R?

ANSWER: Dick and Bob bought a dog!

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In Singapore, it is illegal to chew gum. (True)

2. The drinking straw was invented in 1772. (False – 1886. It was invented by hand rolling paraffined Manila paper)

3. Cars were first started with ignition keys in 1949. (True)

4. Many hamsters blink one eye at a time. (True)

5. Olathe, Kansas has more donut stores per capita than any other place in the world. (False – Whitby, Ontario)

6. A can of Spam is opened every fourteen seconds. (False – every four seconds!)

7. Howdy Doody had 48 freckles. (True)

8. The percent of women who wash their hands after leaving a restroom is 80%. (True)

9. The percent of men who wash their hands after using a restroom is 55%. (True)

10. You breathe about 100 million times a year. (False – 10 million)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

TALKING PINK _________ (ELEPHANTS)

Zookeepers have been tending to several pink elephants for years, but this week they were shocked to learn that the pink elephants- talk!

Pink elephants were parading around a Burmese zoo over the weekend – as they do every weekend – when one of them turned to a zookeeper and said, “Peanuts.  I want some peanuts.”   The zookeeper didn’t speak English, but he was shocked to hear words come out of the elephants mouth.  A pink elephant English interpreter was brought in to work with the elephants.

The elephants haven’t stopped talking since.   Zookeepers told WWN that the pink elephants are mostly concerned with zoo conditions, their food and the amount of exercise they are getting on a daily basis.  ”They had a lot of complaints, but we are trying to accommodate all their demands,” said Bin Dowa, a zookeeper.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”

JOKE #2

Charles H. Spurgeon, the prince of preachers, was emphasizing to his budding preacher’s class the importance of making one’s facial expression harmonize with one’s speech.

“When you speak of Heaven,” he said, “let your face light up, let it be irradiated with a heavenly gleam, let your eyes shine with reflected glory. But when you speak of hell – well, then your ordinary face will do!”

JOKE #3

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. 

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.

It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

USELESS FACTS

Relative to their weight and size, birds are stronger than people.  ***In other words, do NOT tick off Big Bird.

Peladophobia refers to the fear of bald people.  ***And no, I’m not showing you the back of my head.

People have the tendency to chew the food on the side that they most often use their hand.  ***Not me – I’m right-handed but I chew on the left side.  But then, that’s because of my dental plan – I chew on the side that doesn’t hurt.

The silk that is produced by spiders is stronger than steel.  ***Which means New York City has to use the Jaws of Life to clean up after Spiderman.

FEATURED FUNNIES

TAXPAYER’S LAMENT

Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;

Tax his chew, Tax his smoke
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.

Tax his oil, Tax his gas
Tax his notes, Tax his cash
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.

If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he’s good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he’s laid.

Put these words upon his tomb,
“Taxes drove him to his doom.”
After he’s gone, we won’t relax.
We’ll still collect the inheritance tax.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

REALLY NICE MUGGING VICTIMS

When the Bible tells you to be nice to your enemies and to smother your enemies with kindness, these people really must have taken it to heart!

After finishing their 20th anniversary dinner, Lonnie and Tammy Crawford were held up at gunpoint by a robber just outside the restaurant. The crook stole their cell phone and all the money they had in their pockets — $8. Lonnie reportedly said to the criminal, “Buddy, don’t you know you could get 10 years in prison for this?” What he said must of hit home, because the robber quickly returned to the couple saying he was down on his luck and that he had never done anything like that before. He then returned the cell phone and tried to return the money. The Crawfords said they felt he needed the money more than they did and told him to keep it. After apologizing several more times, the gunman wished the couple a happy anniversary and walked off. The couple, who said they wouldn’t press charges, just so happen to be residents of Niceville, Florida.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GOOD COOKS

When my son was 11 years old, he got a small job helping out with a traveling carnival while it was in our town.

He didn’t come home at lunch time, phoning instead to tell me he was fine and had found a few days work helping out at an exhibit. He turned up for supper as usual however after he finished work.

I asked him how he had managed at lunch and he told me he had made some new friends at the carnival, some young men who were twin brothers, and their mom and dad. They had paid him a few dollars and invited him for lunch in return for helping them set up their exhibit and wanted him to return the next day to help with other chores.

I was glad he had found new friends but a little apprehensive about the type of people that might be traveling in a carnival.

“Oh Mom, these are just normal everyday people like anyone else. They just work at a carnival instead of in a store or something. Come down tomorrow and meet them yourself,” he said.

So the next day I went to the carnival and to the exhibit he had directed me to. The twin brothers turned out to be Siamese twins, joined at the chest.

He hadn’t thought this fact was noteworthy enough to mention. When I brought it to him he said, “Yes, I noticed that too. Do you know that their mom has to make all their clothes because it’s so difficult to find anything to fit them? They’re also really good cooks. Today, Joe, the one on the right, made me spaghetti for lunch.”

What others see first in a person (or persons) is not what a child considers important.

Where I saw Siamese twins, he saw people having difficulty buying clothes that fit, and young men who were good cooks.

It was a lesson I have thought about many times over the years.

Charlotte Mansfield

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

FAITHFULNESS REQUIRED

Read: 1 Corinthians 4:1-5,14-20

It is required in stewards that one be found faithful. —1 Corinthians 4:2

Much of our attention and praise is directed toward highly visible and successful people. But occasionally we read about an ordinary, obscure person being honored for many years of faithful service. It may be a school custodian, a cafeteria worker, a handyman, or a clerk in a store who has served others in a dependable and unselfish way.

That kind of reliability often goes unnoticed, but I believe it’s a powerful picture of how we are to live. Although consistency may not be flashy, days add up to a life of great significance to God.

Paul wrote, “It is required in stewards that one be found faithful” (1 Corinthians 4:2). If we live faithfully for Christ, God has promised to reward us at His appointed time. When the Lord comes, He “will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the counsels of the hearts. Then each one’s praise will come from God” (v.5).

When we long for success, God says, “I will reward you.”

When we ache for recognition, God says, “I see you.”

When we are ready to quit, God says, “I will help you.”

Whether our service is public or private, our responsibility is the same—to be faithful. —David McCasland

In all the little things of life,
Yourself, Lord, may I see;
In little and in great alike,
Help me to faithful be! —Anon.

God doesn’t ask us to be successful but to be faithful.

LEFTOVERS

GARAGE SALE RULES

Hey, we’ve got warmer weather coming – it must be time to hit the garage sales! Here are some hints on how to have the best garage sale experience possible:

  • While everybody likes to start at the exclusive part of town, the smart shopper starts out at the OLDEST section, in terms of demographics and age of houses. The junk has had many more years to pile up, as opposed to the neighborhoods with the four or five year old houses. Your chances of getting a $300 antique for .25 also increase dramatically.
  • Bicycles are usually a bad deal at garage sales. Sure you can get one for $25 bucks, but who has the time to replace all the tires and tubes, fix the handbrakes, etc? The nicer ones are usually priced too high… it’s probably better (and safer) to spend another $120 dollars and get a new one at the Wal-Mart.
  • Home exercise equipment at garage sales is usually not worth it. You NEVER see a used Soloflex or a Nordic-Track. Rather, these sales are full of 15 year old exercise bikes (with the chain drive and the saddle seat) and lots of stuff ordered from TV that didn’t work.

THINGS YOU NEVER BUY USED:

  • Child car seats (they may have microscopic stress cracks from a prior impact)
  • Underwear (like you ever would?!?)
  • Mattresses
  • Eating utensils
  • Toilet plungers (yeah right)
  • Caskets (just kidding)

LIFE… LIVE IT

TAX RELIEF

From the folks at Hallmark.com and their creation, Maxine the Queen of Crabbiness, here are a few ways to ensure getting audited by the IRS…

  • Pay in pennies (delivered by sling slot).

  • Deduct calls made to the Psychic Network in an attempt to get winning PowerBall numbers.

  • Claim your cat as a dependent.

  • Claim charitable deductions that equal more than your income.

  • On the line that asks what you made this year, answer “Trouble.”

  • Deduct adoption costs associated with adopting a new personality.

  • Claim a home office deduction based on all the in-home counseling you give to friends and family.

  • Wait till the last minute and copy the numbers from the guy standing next to you in line at the post office.

  • Fill out your forms in yellow crayon.

  • Detail 11,215 Internet stock trades — and claim you came out exactly even.

JUST FOR FUN

WAITING, WAITING, WAITING

Hey guys… hate waiting around for your woman as she tries on clothes at the mall?  You’re not alone.

According to a recent survey of 2000 men, the average man spends nearly a week of his life sitting in the car waiting to pick up his significant other.  He also spends 22 weeks of his life waiting outside the dressing room while his partner tries on clothing.  Not all at once, mind you… but it sure seems that way sometimes.  And 60% of the men surveyed said all of this waiting drives them crazy – so much so that 10% of men have actually broken up with a girlfriend or divorced a wife because of the constant waiting.  Ouch.  Even worse, 20% of men say they entertain themselves while waiting by checking out other women in the store.  ***MARLAR: This makes no sense, guys.  If you’re going to be checking out the other women in the store, what happens if you hit it off, dump your woman, and starting dating the new chick?  You met the lady while she was trying on clothes!  What makes you think you won’t be waiting for HER now?  All you’d be doing is trading in for a newer model… meaning you’re adding that many more years of waiting to your life.

FUN LIST

WEIRD LIBRARY REFERENCE QUESTIONS
All of these situations are real and some of them were mighty embarrassing. Enjoy! Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.

  • “Do you have books here?”

  • “Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?”

  • “Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?”

  • “I’m looking for Robert James Waller’s book, ‘Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'” (Actual title wanted: “Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.”)

  • “Where is the reference desk?” This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying “REFERENCE DESK”!

  • “I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?” (This is very similar to what I experience frequently at the radio station. “I heard this song a few months ago at about 3:00pm. I don’t know the name of the artist or the song, can you tell me what it is?”)

  • “Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?”

  • “Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?”

  • “Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?”

  • “I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]”

  • “I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington’s birth certificate.”

  • “I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.”

  • “Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of important stuff.”

  • “I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.”

  • “Is the basement upstairs?” (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

  • “I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months.”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

BATTLE OF THE REDHEADS

Ronald MacDonald has been arrested for robbing Wendy’s.

Seriously!  In Manchester, New Hampshire, a 22-year-old man, whose name is really Ronald MacDonald, has been charged with stealing money from a safe at a Wendy’s restaurant. The restaurant manager called police after he found MacDonald and another employee had taken money from the office safe. Ronald told the store manager he used his driver’s license to pick the lock to the office. After repeated requests, he finally returned the stolen money — all of $133 dollars.  ***MARLAR: Which incidentally will buy you about 26 extra value meals.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Is it better to RUN… or to WALK? The best exercise for your heart is brisk walking, and not running. It turns out, it is the distance you go, rather than the speed, that reaps the biggest health benefits, according to researchers from the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory in Berkeley, California and Hartford Hospital in Connecticut. And those benefits include reducing blood pressure and cholesterol, as well as lowering the risk of type 2 diabetes. To be sure, running is a heart-healthy exercise, but this study showed that brisk walking will give the same benefit with a far lower incidence of injury. Running and walking led to similar reductions in risk for high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes, and perhaps even heart disease, reports HealthDay News. Running reduced the risk of high blood pressure 4.2 percent, and walking reduced the risk 7.2 percent. Running reduced the risk for high cholesterol 4.3 percent, and walking lowered the risk 7 percent. Running lowered the risk for diabetes 12.1 percent, and walking reduced the risk 12.3 percent.

When you are desperate to lose weight, it’s tempting to believe there is an easy way to do it. Note to self: There isn’t. So don’t fall for one diet trick that has gone viral — and could be dangerous. It’s called the vinegar diet. In 2009, a medical study from Japan that has since been debunked, concluded that drinking one or two teaspoons of apple cider vinegar before meals would help adults lose two to four pounds over a 12-week period with no other dietary or exercise changes. It just isn’t true. Dr. Domenica Rubino, who is head of the Washington Center for Weight Management and Research in Arlington, Virginia, told WTOP News in Washington, DC, that there is no scientific evidence to back up the claim. There is one reason it might work (and it’s not good): drinking vinegar can upset your stomach so you lose your desire for food.

Fight a lot? Worried about divorce? As long as you exhibit a certain type of emotion, your marriage should be fine. Conflict is something that all couples experience. But it is not whether a couple fight and argue, but rather how they communicate during that argument that helps determine if they will stay together for the long haul, says Dr. Keith Sanford, a clinical psychologist and an associate professor of psychology and neuroscience at Baylor University in Waco, Texas. Sanford studied dozens of couples as they communicated through a fight, focusing on positive and negative communication. He found that the emotions and types of thoughts a person uses are especially important. Negative emotion can actually be a good thing. Sanford distinguishes between two types of negative emotion, “hard” and “soft.” “Hard” emotion is associated with asserting power. “Soft” emotion is associated with expressing vulnerability. Sanford and his team consistently found that hard emotion escalated fights, but they also found that soft emotion is generally beneficial for relationships. Soft emotion appears to increase a couple’s motivation to address a conflict and often leads to productive approaches toward resolving the conflict.

And you thought it was beer that could hurt your liver. Pizza can do it, too. Eating any high-fat meal–from a cheeseburger and fries to a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese–disrupts liver function, HealthDay News reports of research from Germany. And over time the rapid effect of “fat loading” could contribute to fatty liver disease. What foods are most likely to damage the liver? Butter, fatty cheeses and coconut oil lead the list, followed by fatty beef, lamb, pork, poultry with the skin, cream and other dairy products made from whole or reduced-fat (2 percent) milk. There is good news. Healthy people can overcome the effects of fat loading — in just a few days — by changing their diet. Instead of bingeing on foods with saturated fats, eat fruits, vegetables, whole grains, low-fat dairy products, poultry (without the skin), fish and nuts. Limit red meat and sugary foods and beverages.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


APRIL 13, 2018…

Beirut (opening in select cities)—This is a political drama/thriller starring Jon Hamm. He portrays a former diplomat who is called into action to save a friend from assassins. Also in the cast are Rosamund Pike (“Hostiles”) and Dean Norris. “Beirut” is rated R. No rating.

Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero—This is a true story, partially computer generated.  Stubby began as a homeless Boston terrier, who was found by a young man going off to WWI. Logan Lerman plays the man who becomes quite fond of Stubby and before you know it, Stubby is on foreign soil and, it is discovered, has special skills.  He can smell mustard gas from a distance, thus helping troops avoid that area, and he can find wounded soldiers so medics can help them. Talk about bravery. After the way, Stubby ends up being the most decorated canine ever and the first—and only—canine to be promoted to the rank of Sergeant. Helena Bonham Carter also stars, and is the narrator of the story. You will recognize Gerard Depardieu, also. “Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Rider (opening in select cities)—For western fans, this film is about a professional rodeo rider (true story) who is at the top of his game when there is a serious accident.  What to do next? What direction to go now?  The film did well at Sundance.  Cast includes Brady Jandreau, Tim Jandreau, Lilly Jandreau and Lane Scott.  “The Rider” is rated R. No rating.

Miracle Season—This dramatic film, based on a true story, is about volleyball.  Specifically, the Iowa City West High School Girls Volleyball Team.  Their captain, Caroline (Danika Yarosh), nicknamed “Line” dies in an accident and the team is devastated. What to do? Helen Hunt is their coach, and together, the team decides to “go for the gold and for Line.”  They start winning  and you can figure out the rest. Other sports films that had similar themes include “The Mighty Ducks” and “Miracle” (both hockey), “Hoosiers” for basketball, “The Replacements” and “Necessary Roughness” for football.  In this volleyball film, William Hurt is also in the cast along with Erin Moriarity. “Miracle Season” is rated PG-13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Flower (opening in select cities)—A coming-of-age film (think “Lady Bird” here), the film concerns a teenage girl (Zoey Deutch) living with her Mom (Kathryn Hahn) and the Mom’s boyfriend, Tim Heidecker. Enter, the boyfriend’s son (Joey Morgan) who has emotional problems and before you can snap your fingers, the teens are out for trouble and that includes harassing a teacher, Adam Scott. “Flower” is rated R. No rating.

APRIL 20, 2018…

Rampage stars Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) as a scientist whose friend is a large gorilla—but the gorilla keeps getting bigger and bigger…….

Super Troopers 2 has the group on the Canadian/US border. Stars Rob Lowe.

 # # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.