April 15, 2015: Wednesday ONAIRprep

 

CLICK HERE FOR A .DOC VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20150415

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Remember, you must laugh at least four times during today’s show in order to claim it as an entertainment expense. –HaLife

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. –2 Corinthians 5:21

 

I want to remind you of the gospel I preached to you… that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, and that he was raised on the third day according Scriptures. — 1 Corinthians 15:1-4

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” — James 4:14-15

 

Thought: “If the Lord wills!” Do you do short term and long range planning? I do. But my planning always has an invisible asterisk: “If Lord, this is your will and your timing.” I don’t know about you, but God has shown me time and again that if I will be open to him, his timing is always better than my planning. Does that mean I quit planning? Nope. I just plan with prayer, asking for wisdom and the Holy Spirit to help me find God’s timing to know and do his will (James 1:5-6 & Ephesians 5:15-18). Life is too short to not plan with prayer and walk led by the Spirit!

 

Prayer: Not my will, Father, but yours be done this day, and all the days of my life. In Jesus’ holy name I ask it. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

1 John 4:15 NIV = If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God.

 

 

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – APRIL 15, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 255 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Tax TimeToday is TITANIC DAY. It was on this date in 1912 that the ship sank after hitting an iceberg. ***MARLAR: Titanic Day also represents that sinking feeling U.S. taxpayers are experiencing today. Yep… because today is…

 

INCOME TAX DAY. ***MARLAR: Your tax returns typically must be postmarked before midnight April 15th or they’re considered late. I’d say there’s no use griping about it, but…

 

Today is NATIONAL GRIPERS DAY. ***MARLAR: Gee… on Income Tax Day? Really?

 

Today is NATIONAL HOSTILITY DAY. ***MARLAR: Gee… on Income Tax Day? Really?

 

Today is NATIONAL TAKE A WILD GUESS DAY, a day honoring hunches, guesses, speculation, and other forms of “intuitive intelligence.” ***MARLAR: Kind of like what you did when gathering up your deductions.

 

Today is RUBBER ERASER DAY. ***MARLAR: Why is it Rubber Eraser Day? Yep – you guessed it, because in the United States, today is the day our income tax forms are due. A lot of rubber erasers will lose their lives in the final moments of today’s financial battle. Let us have a moment of silence for these brave erasers that have given and will give their all. Thank you.

 

SOME LAST MINUTE TAX TIPS TO AVOID AN IRS AUDIT

  • Don’t claim the War on Terrorism as a dependent
  • Don’t claim the voices in your head as dependents
  • Don’t pay your taxes with lottery tickets
  • Don’t list your current residence as “In a van down by the river”
  • Don’t include the yearbook page where you were voted “Most Likely To Never Be Audited”

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Holocaust Remembrance Day

Income Tax Pay Day

Jackie Robinson Day

McDonald’s Day

Rubber Eraser Day

Take a Wild Guess Day

That Sucks Day

World Art Day

National Bookmobile Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

THURSDAY, APRIL 16

Celebrate Teen Literature Day

Get To Know Your Customers Day

High Five Day

National Ask An Atheist Day

National D.A.R.E. Day

National Health Care Decisions Day

National Stress Awareness Day

National Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day

Save The Elephant Day

Holocaust Remembrance Day

 

FRIDAY, APRIL 17

Bat Appreciation Day

Blah! Blah! Blah! Day

Ellis Island Family History Day

Ford Mustang Day

Nothing Like a Dame Day

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 18

Adult Autism Day

National Columnists’ Day

National Golf Day

National Lineman Appreciation Day

Pet Owners Independence Day

World Amateur Radio Day

Auctioneers Day

Husband Appreciation Day

Record Store Day

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 19

Bicycle Day

John Parker Day

National Garlic Day

National Hanging Out Day

Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day

 

MONDAY, APRIL 20

Chinese Language Day

National Pot Smokers Day

Boston Marathon

 

TUESDAY, APRIL 21

Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day

Kindergarten Day

National Surprise Drug Test Day (because yesterday was National Pot Smokers Day)

Queen’s Birthday (real date)

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22

Administrative Professionals Day (Secretary’s Day)

Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day

Earth Day

Girl Scout Leaders Day

Global Selfie Earth Day (NASA)

In God We Trust Day

Mother Earth Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

2348 BC: According to Archbishop Usher, Noah’s Ark landed on Mount Ararat near the modern borders of Turkey, Armenia, and Iran. The natives call Ararat “the Painful Mountain” because its sudden storms, avalanches, and shifting glaciers make it almost impossible to climb. ***I love the fact that Archbishop Usher claims that Noah’s ark landed on Mt Ararat on April 15th. I thought the flood was water, not paper. –Duane Matz

 

1852: The first screw-top bottles were patented in Paris, France.

 

1912: At 12:50 a.m. EST, junior wireless operators at Cape Race, Newfoundland, received a report from the Virginian that they were trying to reach Titanic, but had lost communication. Titanic’s last signals at 12:27 a.m. were “blurred and ended abruptly.”

1934: Comic strip wife Blondie Bumstead gave birth to Alexander. She called him “Baby Dumpling.”

 

1947: Jackie Robinson became the first black player in a major-league baseball game since brothers Moses and Welday Walker played for Toledo in 1884. During his rookie year with the Brooklyn Dodgers, Robinson played first base.

 

1955: The first franchised McDonalds opened in Des Plains, Illinois. Ray Kroc, a milk shake machine salesman, had gotten the idea from a hamburger place in San Bernardino, California, run by the McDonald brothers. An opening day hamburger was 15 cents. The 49-cent Big Mac was introduced in 1968 and the 53-cent Quarter Pounder in 1971. Last year there were more than 31,000 McDonalds in 119 countries.

 

1957: Sun Records in Memphis released “Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On” by Jerry Lee Lewis. It would top the pop, country, and rhythm & blues music charts.

 

1958: During a concert in St. Louis, Buddy Holly’s Fender Stratocaster guitar was stolen.

 

1970: The Beer Can Collectors of America was incorporated. Headquartered in Fenton, Missouri, the group now includes over 100 active chapters.

 

1983: “Flashdance” starring Jennifer Beals opened in movie theaters throughout the U.S.

 

1983: Disneyland opened in Tokyo.

 

1995: Vatican police stopped animal rights activists led by singer Kate Pierson from entering St. Peter’s Square in Rome to urge Pope John Paul to back vegetarianism. The demonstrators were dressed as farm animals: a lamb, a cow, a chicken, and a pig.

 

1997: A French survey revealed that women with blue or green eyes had the best chance of living to be 120 years old.

 

2000: Cal Ripken Jr. of the Baltimore Orioles became the 24th major league player to hit safely 3,000 times.

 

2001: After a truck trailer lost a wheel and crashed New South Wales, 24,000 bottles of beer sank into the Tweed River, near the town of Tweed Heads. Suddenly, local residents appeared in full scuba gear and started retrieving the beer until police warned they could be charged with theft.

 

2004: In the season finale to the NBC reality show “The Apprentice,” Donald Trump “hired” Bill Rancic over Kwame Jackson during a segment that was telecast live.

 

2007: A landlord in Stockholm, Sweden, lost a bid to evict a woman who annoyed her neighbors by allegedly sunbathing nude, smoking outside unclothed, disposing of her trash improperly, and sexually assaulted two building workers. A rent court ruled for the landlord, but the woman appealed and the Court of Appeal found, though the woman was not a good neighbor, her behavior was not bad enough to justify eviction.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1415: Jerome of Prague, a friend of Bohemian reformer Jan Hus, is seized by church authorities meeting at the Council of Constance. Under duress, Jerome recanted his Wycliffe-influenced beliefs and accepted the authority of the pope. However, when a crowd was assembled to hear him repeat the recantation, he changed his speech and eloquently defended both Wycliffe’s teachings and the recently executed Hus. Jerome was subsequently burned at the stake.

 

1452: Italian painter and scholar Leonardo da Vinci is born in Florence, Italy. Among his most famous religious works are the Virgin of the Rocks, The Last Supper, and St. John the Baptist.

 

1638: The castle of Hara, located on the Shimabara Peninsula, Japan, falls to invaders. Masuda Shiro Tokisada defended the fortress with 37,000 Christians, 17,000 of them combatants. They fought valiantly to the end—even the women and children. After the battle, all of the survivors were subsequently beheaded, save one Judas (Yamada) who had plotted to open the castle gate to the enemy.

 

1729: Johann Bach conducts the first and only performance of St. Matthew Passion during his lifetime at a Good Friday Vespers service in Leipzig, Germany. The choral work has been called “the supreme cultural achievement of all Western civilization,” and even the radical skeptic Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) admitted upon hearing it, “One who has completely forgotten Christianity truly hears it here as gospel.

 

1889: Belgian Roman Catholic priest Joseph Damien, a missionary to lepers on Molokai, Hawaii, dies from the disease.

 

1892: Dutch devotional writer Corrie ten Boom, known for hiding Jewish refugees in her home during World War II (an act dramatized in the 1971 film The Hiding Place) is born. She also died on this date in 1983.

 

1958: The Auca, Dayuma, is baptized. Her people had killed the missionaries who first came to bring them the gospel.

 

1983: Death of Corrie Ten Boom on her 91st birthday. She protected Jews from the Nazis and was incarcerated in a concentration camp. After the war, she became an internationally known evangelist.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress Emma Watson (Harry Potter movies) is 25
  • actress (Sense and Sensibility, Stranger Than Fiction, Nanny McPhee, also in two of the Harry Potter movies along with Emma Watson – interesting!) Emma Thompson 56

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1894 : Bessie Smith

1918 : Eddy Arnold

1933 : Roy Clark

1937 : Bob Luman

1939 : Marty Wilde

1940 : Clarence Satchell (The Ohio Players)

1942 : Allan Clarke (The Hollies)

1944 : Dave Edmunds

1947 : Gerry Rafferty (Stealers Wheel)

1947 : Mike Chapman

1966 : Samantha Fox

1968 : Ed O’Brien (Radiohead)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is Jesus so frequently depicted as tall and slim with long hair?

TV, newspapers and magazines are likely to display the image of Jesus in one particular way… tall, slim, with long hair. How do they know how to depict Him? After all, He was a Jew, for whom graven images were forbidden. And don’t look in the Gospels for a description. He’s left there to your imagination. There actually is a very mundane reason for the image with which we are all familiar. In the Middle Ages and Renaissance, when the Western image of Jesus became fixed, artists themselves were likely to look that way. They painted what they knew. The probably ascetic Jesus may have been thin, and Jews, it’s been suggested, might have had long hair to set themselves off from the Romans. Jesus may also have been a man of color, but we don’t just know. And it may not really matter.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

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Francesca Battistelli says she might have set a new personal record. She says she flew on four planes in one day.

 

Phil Wickham is now out with pictures. He tweeted: Allow me to introduce you to Lottie Elizabeth Wickham, born April 12th, at 12:17AM. Attached was a picture of his third daughter along with his wife. https://t.co/k4mCF5u1ix

 

Jamie Grace is hoping to talk with a few of her social media followers. She says you can call her at 415-494-7223 and leave a voicemail. Who knows, Jamie might just call you back.

 

Kutless front man Jon Micah Sumrall is hoping to touch base with some expert turkey hunters. He tweeted: Turkey season opens here in Oregon in a couple days. I have yet to do a Turkey hunt, but thinking about trying to get a tom this year. Any tips on finding birds?

 

Natalie Grant says sometimes ballerinas from Nashville wear a different kind of slipper and her daughter is one of them. She tweeted a picture of her daughter coming out of dance class in a tutu and pink cowboy boots. https://t.co/QmxFkg6U68

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Man kills armadillo, but ricochet gunshot hits mother-in-law
LEESBURG, Ga. (AP) — Authorities say a south Georgia man shot an armadillo, but ended up accidentally wounding his mother-in-law when the bullet ricocheted off the mammal known for its hard shell. Lee County Sheriff’s deputies tell WALB-TV (http://bit.ly/1FCGUBO) that 54-year-old Larry…

 

Manufacturing firm seeks to build world’s largest surfboard    photo
PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) — A Rhode Island engineering technology and manufacturing company has set out to build the world’s largest surfboard. WPRO-AM reports (http://bit.ly/1JE6cmT) Bristol-based mouldCAM is building the board for the Visit Huntington Beach campaign in California, which hopes…
Carjacker ID’d via iPhone feature on stolen cell gets prison
NEWARK, N.J. (AP) — A man who was identified by the “find my iPhone” feature on a smartphone he stole during an armed carjacking was sentenced Monday to more than 11 years in prison. Federal prosecutors say 28-year-old Lee Carraballo, of Newark, will also have to serve five years of…
Police: Man stole pal’s car to avoid missing court hearing
RIVERDALE, N.J. (AP) — A New Jersey man has been accused of stealing a friend’s car to avoid missing a court hearing on drug charges. Twenty-one-year-old Jorge Ramirez-Sierra, of Riverdale, has been charged with unlawful taking of a means of conveyance and driving while suspended, among other…
Black bear family roams Alaska neighborhood looking for food    photo
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) — A family of five black bears is roaming an Alaska neighborhood, toppling trash cans as the group rummages for food and scaring some residents who believe the animals are the same ones seen in the area last summer. HASH(0x13d6c40) “We don’t have one bear, that’s a…
French ‘Spiderman’ scales Dubai skyscraper
DUBAI, United Arab Emirates (AP) — A French climber has scaled one of Dubai’s tallest skyscrapers, relying on just chalk and sticky tape on his fingertips to help him up the 75-storey high Cayan Tower in the emirate’s glitzy marina area. Alain Robert, 52, completed climbing the 1007-foot (307…
Vietnam vet surprised over reason for license-plate denial
ST. GEORGE, Utah (AP) — A Vietnam War veteran in Utah says he’s surprised over the reason for the denial of his request for a personalized license plate commemorating the year he was wounded and awarded a Purple Heart. Arnold Breitenbach of St. George sought a license plate with the…
Police: Teen takes cash, hands out $100 bills to classmates
MEDINA, Ohio (AP) — Police in Ohio say a middle school student took $25,000 from his grandfather and later started handing out $100 bills to his classmates. Authorities say the 13-year-old gave out thousands of dollars this week before schools officials discovered what was happening….
Cops: Reported gator in western Pa. river may never be found
BELLE VERNON, Pa. (AP) — An alligator reportedly spotted in a western Pennsylvania river may never be found — or even confirmed — but police continued to search for it Friday, the local police chief said. Nobody has seen the reptile since two people reportedly spotted it in the…
Escalator missing en route to Prague airport    photo
PRAGUE (AP) — The good news for visitors to the Czech capital: the newly expanded A line of Prague’s subway network that opened this week will comfortably take them from downtown closer than ever to the city’s international airport. The bad news: To board the No. 119 bus that covers the final…
Cat survives shock, 25-foot fall from power pole    photo
GRANTS PASS, Ore. (AP) — The owner of a 17-pound Siamese cat named Liam says he has nearly used up his nine lives after getting shocked on a power pole in Grants Pass and falling 25 feet. HASH(0x14176e0) Her husband, Jeff, went outside and the cat was lying still on the transformer at the top…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Survey: Nearly 9 in 10 US adults now have health insurance    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Underlining a change across the nation, nearly 9 out of 10 adults now say they have health insurance, according to an extensive survey released Monday. As recently as 2013, slightly more than 8 out of 10 had coverage. Whether the new number from the Gallup-Healthways…

 

Actavis: No apologies for seeking Alzheimer’s drug profits
NEW YORK (AP) — A lawyer for the Irish manufacturer of an Alzheimer’s drug urged a U.S. appeals court on Monday to let it replace a two-pill daily regimen with a single-dose version of the drug even if it cheats generic drugmakers of profits. Attorney Lisa Blatt told the 2nd U.S. Circuit…
Australia to withhold payments from parents against vaccine    photo
CANBERRA, Australia (AP) — The Australian government has ramped up pressure on parents who oppose vaccination by threatening to withhold child care and other payments from families that fail to immunize their children. The government announced this week that families could lose up to 15,000…
More than 200 sickened on San Diego-bound cruise ships
SAN DIEGO (AP) — Federal health officials say about 200 people have come down with vomiting and diarrhea aboard two San Diego-bound cruise ships. The Centers for Disease Control says 112 passengers and crew were sickened by norovirus aboard the Celebrity Infinity, which carried some 2,000…
Cancer surge in China prompts rise of special patient hotels    photo
BEIJING (AP) — Li Xiaohe has set herself up for the long haul in a cramped but sunny room in western Beijing, about a block from China’s most renowned cancer hospital. Her laundry dries on hangers and her husband cooks in a communal kitchen as she embarks on an 84-day program of chemotherapy,…
What to know about recent food recalls and bacteria listeria    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Large food recalls have forced consumers to throw away hummus and ice cream that may be contaminated with the same potentially deadly bacteria — listeria. Tainted Blue Bell ice cream products are linked to eight listeria illnesses in Kansas and Texas; three of those…
UN: Ebola still global emergency despite big drop in cases    photo
LONDON (AP) — The World Health Organization says the year-long Ebola outbreak in West Africa still qualifies as an international emergency even though the number of cases has plummeted. Last August, the U.N. health agency declared the epidemic of the lethal virus to be a global emergency…
Group hopes recycled hotel soap helps save lives worldwide    photo
LAS VEGAS (AP) — Shawn Seipler is on a mission to save lives with soap. It began about seven years ago as a tiny operation with a few friends and family in a single-car garage in Orlando, Florida, where they used meat grinders, potato peelers and cookers to recycle used soap into fresh bars….
Rural Indiana county’s HIV outbreak tops 100 cases    photo
INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — More than 100 people in southeastern Indiana have tested positive for HIV in an outbreak linked to the sharing of intravenous needles, and officials said Friday they’re trying to combat unfounded fears among drug users that they could be arrested if they take part in a…
Robert Kennedy Jr. backs off ‘holocaust’ in vaccine debate
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — Robert Kennedy Jr. on Monday apologized for describing the number of children injured by vaccines as “a holocaust” during a film screening last week. The nephew of President John F. Kennedy and son of former U.S. Attorney General Robert Kennedy used the term last…
Bird flu outbreak spreads to 3 more Midwest turkey farms    photo
SIOUX FALLS, S.D. (AP) — A bird flu outbreak that has puzzled scientists spread to three more Midwest turkey farms, bringing the number of farms infected to 23 and raising the death toll to more than 1.2 million birds killed by the disease or by authorities scrambling to contain it. The U.S….

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

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NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Amazon.com has won approval from U.S. federal regulators to test a delivery drone outdoors. According to a report in the Huffington Post, The approval is the next step in the e-commerce companies goal of sending packages to customers by unmanned aircraft. ***The White House has already been put under full alert.

 

A husband and wife in India say they are going to leave all their money to their pet monkey. The couple, who have no children, say they owe their wealth and success to the primate, who they believe has enriched their lives. ***Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.  (Does that get me into the will?)

 

After decades of debate it seems we may finally have a definitive winner in the “over vs. under” toilet paper draping debate. Writer Owen Williams pointed out on Twitter that Seth Wheeler’s original patent for his perforated toilet paper invention in 1891 shows the paper in an “over” position, indicating that that is how it’s meant to be used. ***And now countless marriages will be saved.

 

With it being Tax Day, the personal finance website WalletHub released its Tax Day 2015 By The Numbers report. According to the figures, the average wait time for a call to the IRS is 28 minutes and it takes 16 hours to complete the average tax return. There are 4 million words in the U.S. Tax Code, 5 times the number of words in the Bible. And the government expects to lose 21-billion dollars due to tax fraud.  ***Which is still less than what is lost to incompetence in Congress.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A poll has found that up to three-quarters of councils in Britain are planning to turn off street lamps or dim the lights in an attempt to save money and meet climate change targets.  But police fear that darkened streets will act as a haven for burglars, muggers and vandals – and motoring experts warn that there may be more accidents on the roads.  ***MARLAR: Yes, you might get mugged and get in horrible car accidents… but it’s for the good of the planet, so stop your whining!

 

If you want to lose weight, don’t diet by skipping breakfast. A study shows overweight men who ate eggs and lean Canadian bacon in the morning had a great sense of fullness throughout the day, compared to those who ate the extra protein at lunch or dinner.  ***MARLAR: Wait a minute… so the news here is that if I want to lose weight, I should be sure to eat?  I like that plan.

 

An apple a day?  Not in America.  Most Americans still don’t eat enough vegetables, and fruit consumption is actually dropping a little, according to a government report.   Last year about one-third of adults had two or more servings of fruit or fruit juice a day. That’s down slightly from more than 34 percent ten years ago.   ***MARLAR: How about we stop wasting money on useless studies like how many vegetables we eat, and start spending money on more important things – like making vegetables taste like chocolate.

 

Enjoy the heat this summer. Cold weather brings more than a chill to your bones, it could also raise your risk of having a heart attack. The results of a recent study show that each 1.8 degree Fahrenheit reduction in temperature on a single day is associated with around 200 additional heart attacks.   ***MARLAR: The population of Alaska is expected to die off completely in the next eighteen months.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Rush Hour”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ken Davis, “Flying”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Gruffy Bear was doing so well filling in for a bowler in a tournament that he had to cancel the checkers game he promised to Sully. In fact, this is the third time Gruffy has canceled the game… and while Sully is disappointed, at least he’s being supportive…

 

CLOSE: You had to see that one coming, didn’t you? Gruffy has to decide again whether or not he’s going to keep his promise to Sully, or if he’s going to break his promise so he can help out his new bowling friends. What will he do? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 18/19, 2015
OPEN: When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson learned that, because he ran away to avoid tonsil surgery, that his tonsils got worse and killed him! Other kids also died because they saw Marvy as a hero, and even the entire population of Razzleflabbin Island is now gone because Marvy wasn’t around to keep them from being hit by a giant tidal wave!

 

CLOSE: An entire generation of Snufflesons wiped out because Marvy wouldn’t get his tonsils taken out? What more could possibly go wrong? Tune in next time to find out what happens – as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Ever had a cyber-barbeque?

Officials responding to a complaint of smoke early one morning were led to a man barbecuing his computer’s modem in his backyard. The 39-year-old from Janesville, WI, told police he was sick of it operating so slowly, and decided to grill it up to make it work faster. His wife told police this isn’t his first time he’d destroyed a modem in anger. Previous instances, she says, have involved smashing them to bits and throwing them out windows. Police extinguished the smoldering modem, but were unable to save it. The dial-up device was unfortunately a total loss.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN U. S. TAX FACTS

 

  1. The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.

 

  1. There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions.

 

  1. Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.

 

  1. The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.

 

  1. Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.

 

  1. American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.

 

  1. The burden of compliance is the equivalent to a staff of 3 million people working full time for a year, just to comply with the taxes on individuals and businesses.

 

  1. The IRS employs 114,000 people; that’s twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.

 

  1. 60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.

 

  1. Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family’s income; that’s more than for food, clothing and shelter combined. (This is just the Federal Tax – it does not include state, local, property, sales tax, etc.!)

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Forget the doughnuts… try a cheeseburger instead! 

 

FILE #1: A suspect in a bar fight tried to avoid being arrested by offering to bribe arresting officer Deputy Mark Eastly – with a cheeseburger. “He told me that if I’d drive him to McDonald’s, he’d buy me two cheeseburgers if I let him go and didn’t take him to jail,” reports Eastly. The last of the big-time spenders, from Marathon, Florida, is being charged with a misdemeanor for the fight and now, a felony for the bribery charge.

 

FILE #2: Alvin Washington of Clifton Heights, Pennsylvania, was arrested for robbing a convenience store and was eventually sentenced to 32 years in jail for the crime. Alvin, was upset with the outcome of his trial, so he demanded a re-trial, but he needed a reason why. His idea? He was upset that he used a court-appointed lawyer and said he should have been able to act as his own legal counsel. He was granted a re-trial. At the second trial he was his own lawyer and did such a good job he no longer had to serve a 32-year sentence. Nope, now he has to serve an 80-year sentence. He was going to ask for another trial — saying an insane person represented him at his second trial — but decided to quit before he made it worse!

 

FILE #3: Police in Chatfield, Minnesota recently noticed a Honda Accord weaving down the road so they decided to pull it over. Upon doing so, they noticed a strong odor coming from the trunk, so they looked inside only to find 630 trout. The 3 occupants said they had caught the fish in a nearby river. Police doubted their story since all of the fish were twelve inches long, so they figured that they stole them from a farm or state hatchery. And that’s what they did, so they arrested the 3 men. But, even if the men were telling the truth and caught the fish from a river, their catch was 126 times the legal limit of five fish per person. So either way, they were out of luck.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Texas it is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. There are no laws against shooting a buffalo from other levels of the hotel though… at least not specifically.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Moronic Mexican Mugger. This Einstein decided he’d mug someone outside a bar in Mexico City so he could get some more tequila-cash. So he pulled his gun and held it on the next person he came across.

The person he pulled the gun on happened to be a photographer taking pictures of patrons in and around the bar. The guy waved his gun in the photographer’s face and demanded all of his valuables, and then realized that the guy had a camera. So he rethought his plan, and just asked for a few snapshots of him with his gun instead. Thursday morning, on the front page of Mexico City’s newspaper, there was the picture of the mugger, posing with his gun outside the bar. We’re guessing the guy’s was already drunk at the time and didn’t remember the incident, because police busted him at the same bar later that next day.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

  • Who turned their taxes in the earliest?
  • Who filed for the most extensions in the past for their taxes?
  • How many folks are planning on waiting in line at the post office until midnight to get your taxes in the mail?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What king passed an edict, ordering the death of babies under age two?
ANSWER: King Herod (Matthew 2:16)

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: From what is rice paper made?

ANSWER: The pith (the inner part of the trunk) of a small tree native to swampy forests of southern China and Taiwan

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. John Wilkes Booth was booked with mugshot number 54018. (False – that number belongs to Lee Harvey Oswald)

 

  1. The doorbell was invented in 1931. (False, 1831)

 

  1. The avocado has the most calories of any fruit. (True)

 

  1. The state of California raises the most turkeys out of all of the states. (True)

 

  1. Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for “Father of Lies” (False – it is Hebrew for “Lord of the Flies.” That’s where the book’s title came from.)

 

  1. In 1800, only 50 cities on Earth had a population of more than 100,000. (True)

 

  1. Pearls melt in vinegar. (True)

 

  1. Hummingbirds cannot walk. (True)

 

  1. Oranges cease to ripen after picking. (True)

 

  1. In the movie “Gandhi” 100,000 extras appeared in the funeral scene. (False – try 300,00! Approximately 100,000 of which received a small fee, and the other 200,000 did it for free.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

TWITTER _________ PAPER (TOILET)

A new site prints out your Twitter feed on rolls of toilet paper.

The site product charges $35 for four rolls of paper printed with 140-word Tweets.

The Tweets appear printed on sheets with about four Tweets per sheet.

Obviously this is fairly tongue in cheek, but we’re reasonably pleased we monetized Twitter in a way that avoided advertising,’ said founder David Gillespie, in an interview with Venturebeat, which found the company.

‘We all have other jobs, though would obviously like to make it a full-time thing. I don’t know where the revenue is, it may very well wind up needing to be funded by brands. I can’t imagine Kleenex putting their name to it.’

The site’s slogan is ‘Social Media has never been so disposable.’

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Tax time doesn’t need to be all blues — look at it as a creative moment. Consider the taxpayer ordered in for an audit of his recent returns. He showed up with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours watching the IRS accountant pore over the numbers. Finally the agent looked up. “You must be a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle,” he said.

“Why would you say that?” the taxpayer asked.

“You’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”

 

JOKE #2

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”

“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”

 

JOKE #3

Before going on vacation, I decided on the spur of the moment to have my very long, curly hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.

My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. “Did you miss me?” I asked.

“Miss you?” he echoed. “Who are you?”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

The Platypus can eat its weight in worms every day.  ***MARLAR: I know it can, but why the heck would it want to?

 

Wouldn’t you like to know who originated the income tax? Well Prime Minister William Pitt devised the first one that worked in England around 1800. The British government needed the revenue to prosecute its war with France. ***MARLAR: Pitt… how appropriate. Paying taxes is the pits, and the government’s need for our money is a bottomless pit.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

The following was overheard at a recent high society party…

“My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great,” said one lady.

She then turned to a second woman and asked, “How far does your family go back?”

“I don’t know,” was the reply. “All of our records were lost in the flood.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Recently we had a story of an Ohio man who claimed that he forgot to pay for a case of Pepsi that was at the bottom of his shopping cart has been discredited because of some surveillance tape. Tom Sturgis had claimed he was not a thief. Now, it’s been proven he truly is a thief.

On a recent stop at Giant Eagle in Brooklyn, Sturgis said he went through the self-checkout lane and bought $157 worth of groceries. He also said he forgot to include several cans of Pepsi he had underneath his cart. Outside, police arrested him on shoplifting charges. His story drew outrage and sympathy across the city, and it even got Sturgis on the radio one morning. But since then, Brooklyn police released surveillance video of Sturgis at the store on the day of his arrest. Police said Sturgis is shown with his stepson, who was bagging the groceries at the checkout line. But the video shows nothing beneath the cart while it was in the checkout line. Sturgis paid for the groceries in the cart, but police said as he left the store, he picked up the pop at a display in the vestibule, police said. He then left without paying for the new additions to his cart, police said. Brooklyn Chief Mark Tenaglia said a second video camera shows Sturgis loading six 12-packs of Pepsi into his cart before he exited the store. The total value of the soda was $21.54 with tax. Sturgis was arrested and charged with petty theft. “It was a total lie,” Sturgis said. “I did try to steal the Pepsi at Giant Eagle.” Yep… he told the truth only after he was proven to be a liar. (WPXI.com)

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

IMPOSSIBLE BECOMES HIM-POSSIBLE!

“Then Jesus said to them, `Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some.'” So they cast, and now they were not able to draw it in because of the multitude of fish.” John 21:6.

We may need to recast, to redirect, our lives. We may have cast our net everywhere but in the right place for a goodly part of our life. Then one day something may happen that suddenly recasts it, redefines it, and we find ourselves casting our net on God’s side, finally, searching for answers. Then we will find the net bursting with blessings which we never thought possible. Impossible becomes Himpossible!

There’s another thought about spreading the net, especially for those directly in God’s work of casting the net for believers. There may be few and what we consider small fish in the net, and we may find this to be true for all of life. We see others reeling in big ones and feasting on successes. But Jesus asks us to “put out into the deep water and let [our] nets down for a catch” (Luke 5:4 NIV). Our catch is His and we aren’t to worry about it.

A Source Unknown has left this for us: “Keep about your work. Let your aim be as steady as a star. Let the world brawl and bubble. You may be assaulted, wronged, insulted, slandered, wounded, and rejected; you may be abused by foes, forsaken by friends, and despised and rejected of men, but see to it with steadfast determination, with unfaltering zeal, that you pursue the great purpose of your life and object of your being until at last you can say, `I have finished the work which Thou gavest me to do.'”

Like Simon, we simply put our nets back out and let the Lord on the shore do the work!

(Patricia Erwin Nordman, Walking Through the Darkness)

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE TONGUE THAT DEFILES

Read: James 3:5-12

He who guards his mouth preserves his life, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction. —Proverbs 13:3

My words have an effect on others; they also have an effect on me. When I speak evil, I not only reveal the sin in my own heart (Luke 6:45), I also reinforce that evil and cause it to grow. Jesus said it’s not what goes into my mouth that defiles me, but what comes out. James put it another way: “The tongue . . . defiles the whole body” (James 3:6). My untamed tongue corrupts me.

On the other hand, when I refuse to give expression to impure, unkind, ungodly thoughts, I begin to choke and strangle the evil in my soul.

That’s why the wise man said in Proverbs 13:3 that we must guard our mouth. When we do that, we starve the evil that is gnawing insidiously at the root of our soul. Do we want to put an end to the evil that so easily rises within us? With God’s help, we must learn to control our tongue.

You may say, “I’ve tried to, but I have no power to subdue it.” James agreed: “No man can tame the tongue” (James 3:8). But Jesus can. Ask Him to “keep watch” over your mouth (Psalm 141:3), and hand the bridle of your tongue to Him.

Let’s echo the prayer of the hymn by Frances Havergal: “Take my lips and let them be filled with messages for Thee.” —David Roper

 

Lord, set a guard upon my lips,
My tongue control today;
Help me evaluate each thought
And watch each word I say. —Hess

 

Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles. —Proverbs 21:23

 

 

LEFTOVERS

WACKY WAYS STATES FATTEN THEIR COFFERS BY MAKING YOU PAY ODDBALL TAXES

(Sun) Every year at tax time, people fume at Uncle Sam’s piece of the pie – but wait till you see some of the wildest taxes on the books.

  • Tennessee became the 23rd state to tax illegal drugs. According to the law, you have 48 hours after acquiring your stash to report it to the Department of Revenue, which then issues stamps for you to stick on your box or bag of illegal drugs.  Officials say they won’t arrest citizens for paying the drug tax. In North Carolina, they’ve had the tax scheme for 15 years, but only 79 folks have ever come forward to get their stamps.
  • Maryland takes a bite out of flushing the toilet, with a 2004 tax rule that adds $2.50 a month to the bill of every resident hooked up to the public treatment system, and $30 a year on everyone with a septic tank. Their aim is to raise funds to clean up the Chesapeake Bay, which has been badly polluted by waste water.
  • In Alabama, playing cards cost an extra 10 cents, and the seller has to pay an extra $4 in licensing fees every year.
  • If you prefer games a little more active than cards, you might want to watch out for jock taxes. They apply to out-of-town athletes and entertainers who make money in a handful of cities or states. California invented the jock tax in 1991 as a way to make the Chicago Bulls pay for beating the L.A. Lakers. Nowadays, most states with pro sports teams levy a similar tax on visiting teams.
  • Despite the chilly winters Minnesota is doing their bit to keep fur on animals and not in coats, with a fur clothing tax. Businesses owe 6.5 percent on the sale, shipping and finance charges for any clothing in which fur makes up three times more of the garment than the next most valuable material. Lucky for Minnesota bikers, leather is tax-free.
  • But the Easy Rider crowd might want to steer clear of Arkansas, or they’ll face a tax on tattoos. Since last July, all tattoos and body piercings cost an extra 6 percent.
  • If you’re thirsty in Chicago, prepare to pay an extra 6 percent in soda fountain tax or buy your soft drinks in bottles and cans.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

BOOST YOUR BRAINPOWER

Good news. You can boost your brainpower and make “senior brain-drain” nothing but a bad memory just by doing mental exercises and adopting the right diet and lifestyle. Keep your mind youthfully resilient with techniques outlined by Dr. Molly Wagster of the National Institute on aging in Bethesda, MD.

  • Eat berries — Blueberries can rejuvenate the brain. Cranberries and strawberries also have a beneficial effect on brainpower.
  • Exercise — aerobic exercise can help improve brain function. Exercise also prompts the release of endorphins thought to fend off depression.
  • Reduce stress — Stress releases cortisol, a hormone that can damage the brain’s memory center. Meditation, relaxation and keeping a positive mental outlook will help you reduce stress.
  • Eat foods rich with vitamin E — Vitamin E, found in oils, green leafy vegetables and whole grains, is a vital brain protector. It promotes mental alertness.
  • Use your opposite hand — Most of us rely on our dominant hand to do simple tasks. Using your opposite hand for brushing your teeth, eating or working a computer mouse will engage both lobes of the brain and improve hand-brain co-ordination.
  • Challenge your brain — Discard the calculator and do the math in your head.
  • Get plenty of sleep — Sleep-deprived subjects score 30 percent lower on memory tests. Most people need 8 to 8.5 hours of sleep each night.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

I KNEW IT!

When your middle school science teacher told you that you were wrong – you may have well been right!

According to a 2-year survey conducted by John Hubisz – a North Carolina State University physics professor – 12 of the most popular science textbooks used in middle schools across the country are riddled with errors. And, according to Hubisz, 85% of children in the United States have used those books. ***MARLAR: Teachers are resting in the fact that we’ve never used what we learned in Science class anyway.

 

 

FUN LIST

WHOO HOO!  IT’S TAX TIME!

Taxes, of course, are no laughing matter. Serious consequences await those who fail to file, falsely file, knowingly underreport or otherwise throw spitballs at the system. Just ask Willie Nelson, who lost the best little golf course in Texas to back taxes. Still, every year Americans try to shave what they owe on their personal income tax returns by pushing the envelope and letting their certified public accountant make the line calls.

  • Herb Wakeford, a CPA in Raleigh, North Carolina, recalls a Pittsburgh furniture-store owner who, after years of trying unsuccessfully to sell his business, hired an arsonist to torch the place. The insurance company paid off to the tune of $500,000, which the owner dutifully reported on his income tax return. However, along with taking the proper deductions for the building, its contents and the usual business expenses, he also deducted a $10,000 “consulting fee” he had paid the arsonist. An IRS audit two years later landed them both in jail. The IRS disallowed the “consulting fee” and slapped on $6,500 in additional taxes, penalties and interest.
  • Then there was the client who insisted on deducting the cost of his television and cable service against his accountant’s advice. “His reasoning was that he was a Spanish teacher at school, and the only reason he bought the TV and had the cable was for the Spanish channels so he could be able to teach his students better,” Howard recalls. “I told him, ‘Well now, not too many people out there can deduct the cost of their TV and cable, but if you can get away with it, knock yourself out.'”
  • Back when the Society of Louisiana CPAs manned a tax hotline, few inquiries stumped them. But Al Suffrin, SLCPA’s communications and public relations director, recalls one that did: “We took a call from an ostrich farmer who wanted to know how to go about depreciating an ostrich.” Strange as it sounds, you can depreciate an ostrich or any other livestock, as long as they’re used for breeding.
  • There was a time when deductions were as plentiful as dinner mints. “Many years ago when I was a young clerk, a local CPA kept a very large glass bowl filled with receipts in his office,” recalls Nancy Reynolds of Reynolds & Associates in Naples, Florida. “If a client came in and was a little shy of deductions, they merely dipped into the bowl and helped themselves to some of those glorious deductions.”
  • Sometimes deductions seem so logical they just have to be legal. One guys asked his CPA if he could deduct the cost of his dog food. His reasoning was that his dog was security for his house, therefore the dog food became a security expense.
  • And when all other loopholes seem closed, sometimes only a higher power can help. One fine February, a rookie tax accountant completed a slam-dunk return for one of the firm’s old and trusted clients and turned it in to his boss. There followed several loud whoops of laughter from the partner’s office. It seems the client had accidentally lost his dentures when they fell in the toilet, and had claimed them on his taxes as an act-of-God casualty loss.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.

Wise Guy

Once upon a time there was a worker who was unhappy with his lot in life. Specifically, his job. It seemed like he had hit his advancement ceiling. His neighbor was likewise unhappy with his work. He needed something new and invigorating to revitalize his career. Oddly, the neighbor across the street was hurting because someone decided he was no longer a fit for the company. He was unhappy because he was unemployed.
Now, a fourth neighbor on the block wasn’t unhappy with her work at all. As a matter of fact, she was just offered a remarkable opportunity. But she lacked the right information to help her make a wise decision.
All four of these valuable workforce members had something in common. They were ripe for some wise counsel from the very creative, bestselling author Jon Acuff. Actually, they just needed his new book, Do Over.
I had Jon Acuff as a guest on my talk show this past week. It was the very day of his book release. Do Over focuses on how to build a “career savings account.” As Jon sees it, virtually everyone in the work world will face a “Career Bump,” a “Career Jump,” a “Career Ceiling” or a “Career Opportunity.” All of these would benefit greatly from learning key techniques to advancing the next step. It is a good read.
I first came across Jon Acuff as I was looking over his tongue-in-cheek writing on Stuff Christians Like. Jon has a fine sense of humor and is capable of delivering serious material in a not-so-serious way. His presentations fit the same bill.
Acuff was on the team of Dave Ramsey for a few years. Then he made his own career jump. No real warning. No big opporunity waiting. He claims it was just right time for such a move. Apparently, he likes risk. Truth be told, he was still in the throes of having a New York Times bestseller, Start.
I heard Jon deliver an excellent presentation at the weeklong course of Ramsey’s called Entre Leadership. Few speakers have such good command of an audience. His talent has been well groomed.
Certain writers and speakers have a treasured gift of giving others hope and encouragement. The sum of that encouragement often exceeds the technical quality of the message. What I mean by that can be illustrated by my former Sunday School teacher, Zig Ziglar.
Zig was not teaching rocket science. Neither is Jon. Zig was about “folksy” and real life, told in stories. Jon Acuff is a story teller as well. But the impact of the message by both of these message senders is borne out extremely well with audiences. TED talks demonstrate this. They are a form of masterful communication.
Delivering hope and encouragement, with life changing results, requires something else. One must challenge the status quo. People who genuinely want a better life must face both truth and a change of pattern or habits. You can love a new way of thinking but do you love it enough to embrace the changes required … whatever form that takes?
The very best at this was none other than the Creator of all humankind. He is more commonly referred to as Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus and His parables are legendary. His words are still changing lives every single day. Many could not, and cannot, bear up under His revolutionary style.
But who better to follow? After one of His more difficult sessions, this followed: “At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him. Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, ‘Are you also going to leave?’ Simon Peter replied, ‘Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life.’”  (John 6:66-68, NLT)
Are you learning from the wisdom teachers? Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough pull up another TED talk … or read their Bibles. 

As Mr. Miyagi would say: Banzai, Daniel-san! Banzai!

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TRUST YOUR CLERGYMAN

Sometimes donating to a favorite institution has a downside. Consider the priest who was preparing for Mass when an IRS agent arrived. The agent asked: “Father, do you know a Mr. Mahoney?”

“Why yes I do,”  the priest replied. “He’s been a member in good standing in this parish for many years.”

“Did he make a $50,000 donation to the church as he claimed on his tax return?”

Without missing a beat, the priest replied, “Rest assured he will, my son — he definitely will.”

 

 

NOW THEY HAVE EVERYTHING

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”

“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service, and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything’.”

 
FORM 1040
I just heard the most marvelous rumor of them all… that Form 1040 has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats!

 

 

LETTER

Dear IRS, I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove me from your mailing list.
 

INTAXICATION

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

 

 

SUITABLE HEART

A new arrival, about to enter a hospital, saw two white-coated doctors searching through the flower beds. “Excuse me,” he said, “have you lost something?”

“No,” replied one of the doctors. “We’re doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and need to find a suitable stone.”
 

TOP THAT

Stephen Sprenger, who owns the H&R Block on Denny Way [Seattle], says it’s that time of year:  the time for ceiling deductions.  Ceiling deductions? Sprenger says, “You ask how many miles the client drove and he looks at the ceiling and says, ‘About 8,000.'” –Jean Godden, The Seattle Times

 

 

PATRIOT’S DAY

If the Patriots thought taxation without representation was bad, what would they think it is today WITH representation? Tyranny?

 

 

IMPORTANT TAX QUESTIONS

Important questions all American taxpayers must answer before midnight tonight:

  1. Did you attach your check or money order made payable to Internal Revenue Service? And if so, do you know where your next meal is coming from?
  2. Did you attach your Forms W-2 to your return? Did you also attach the shirt off your back?
  3. Did you use your preprinted label? If not, just who do you think you are and which day next week can you come in for an audit?
  4. Did you place proper postage in the little box on the front of the envelope where it says “Place Stamp Here?” Did you also have sense enough to lick the stamp even though the IRS didn’t remind you to do it?

 

 

LETTER TO THE IRS

Enclosed is this year’s tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper.  In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).  This brings my total payment to $3429.00.  Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return.  Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw.” (See attached article…HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips head screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely, A satisfied taxpayer

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.

The words “wedding,” “surprise,” and “prank” rarely — if ever — belong in the same sentence. But Huffing Post says, this one time, the three together worked out pretty well. Mario and Elaine of Jersey City have been together through thick and thin, including Elaine’s battle with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. She was diagnosed at age 30, shortly after the two got engaged, and medical bills forced them to postpone their wedding for six years. But with the right mix of sneaky inspiration and help from the web site break.com, the couple finally tied the knot when Mario arranged a movie date for Elaine that began with a preview trailer telling the story of how they met — then turned into to an on-the-spot wedding ceremony. http://huff.to/1Mr757w

 

Having a high sense of purpose in life may lower your risk of heart disease and stroke. The new analysis defined purpose in life as a sense of meaning and direction, and a feeling that life is worth living. Researchers found that a high sense of purpose is associated with a 23 percent reduction in death from all causes and a 19 percent reduced risk of heart attack, stroke, or the need for coronary artery bypass surgery or a cardiac stenting procedure. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/03/150306132538.htm

 

A Texas dad decided to do the math and determine how much a stay-at-home mom should make a year. According to a Fox news report, he quickly realized he “can’t afford” to pay for all that his wife does. Steven Nelms listed every job his wife performs, from cleaning to cooking and caring for their 2-year-old child. After adding on financial assistant, laundry services, cleaning services, personal shopper, chef and several other responsibilities, he figured the salary for a stay-at-home mom is $73,690 a year.
http://kdvr.com/2015/04/08/dad-does-the-math-figures-stay-at-home-moms-should-make-74k-a-year/

 

A woman who spent her life caring for stray dogs received an unexpected — and surprising — tribute from the animals when she died. According to ABC News, at the funeral for Margarita Suárez in Mexico, there was a pack of stray dogs who came inside the funeral home to stand guard. Adding to the strangeness of the situation was the fact that these stray dogs were not even the same ones that the 71-year-oldhad helped during her lifetime. Suárez lived 830 miles from where her funeral service was held. Workers at the funeral home say they have never seen anything like it before. http://abcn.ws/1ErM4oJ

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

TAX QUOTES

  • Censure is the tax a man pays to the public for being eminent. –Jonathan Swift
  • A taxpayer is someone who works for the federal government but who doesn’t have to take a civil service examination. — Ronald Reagan
  • The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money. — Revenue Auditor
  • The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax! — Albert Einstein
  • The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. — George Bernard Shaw
  • The avoidance of taxes is the only pursuit that still carries any reward. — J M Keynes
  • To please universally was the object of his life; but to tax and to please, no more than to love and to be wise, is not given to men. — Edmund Burke
  • When there is an income tax, the just man will pay more and the unjust less on the same amount of income. — Plato
  • Like mothers, taxes are often misunderstood, but seldom forgotten — Lord Bramwell
  • There is no art which one government sooner learns from another than that of draining money from the pockets of the people. — Adam Smith
  • There are two distinct classes of men… those who pay taxes and those who receive and live upon taxes. — Thomas Paine
  • War involves in its progress such a train of unforeseen and unsupposed circumstances that no human wisdom can calculate the end. It has but one thing certain, and that is to increase taxes — Thomas Paine
  • In the matter of taxation, every privilege is an injustice. — Voltaire.
  • There are two systems of taxation in our country: one for the informed and one for the uninformed. — Honorable Learned Hand, US Appeals Court Justice
  • Over and over again Courts have said there is nothing sinister in so arranging one’s affairs as to keep taxes as low as possible. Everybody does so, rich and poor, and all do right, for nobody owes any public duty to pay more than the law demands. Taxes are enforced exactions, not voluntary contributions. To demand more in the name of morals is mere cant. — Honorable Learned Hand, US Appeals Court Justice
  • The haggis and European tax law have much in common. They both involve bloody processes, the end results are a mystery and those of a squeamish disposition should not get involved in the making of either. — Anon
  • Your federal government needs your money so that it can perform vital services for you that you would not think up yourself in a million years. — Dave Barry (US columnist)
  • We have from time-to-time complained about the complexity of our revenue laws and the almost impossible challenge they present to taxpayers or their representatives… Our complaints have obviously fallen upon deaf ears. — Arnold Raum (Senior US Tax Court Judge)
  • Benjamin Franklin said nothing is certain but death and taxes: but at least death doesn’t get worse every year. — Anon
  • Preparing my tax return always takes a lot of Kleenex. Not only do I cry a lot, but I wind up paying through the nose. –HaLife
  • Non-taxable income is any payments received from outer space. –HaLife
  • Remember, according to new IRS regulations, you do not have to file a return this year if, as of December 31st last year, you had been dead for one year or longer. –HaLife
  • Income tax is what we pay the government to waste our money for us. –HaLife
  • I didn’t have a medical deduction again this year, but I will as soon as I pay off my nerve transplant. –HaLife
  • I finally paid my income tax. Now I’m ready to plea bargain. –HaLife

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 10, 2015…

 

Desert Dancer—This film is a biographical one about a self-taught dancer in Iran who, with his friends, learns to dance by watching Michael Jackson videos and others artists. The government sternly disapproves and this is done in secret. Stars Afsshin, Freida Pinto, Tom Cullen and Akin Akezy. “Desert Dancer” has no rating. Rating of 2 for this particular situation.

 

The Hunting Ground—Director Amy Ziering has produced quite a documentary about rapes on the campus of the University of North Carolina. With two women willing to tell their story, the audience finds out just what happened and precautions to be taken. A college campus isn’t entirely a safe place and a forest isn’t the only place people hunt. Harrowing. “The Hunting Ground” is nor rated. Rating of 3.

 

Merchants of Doubt—A documentary about the news industry and adapted from the book by Naomi Oreskes and Erik M. Conway, directed by Robert Kenner. The audience sees what goes on in behind the scenes in news shows and sometimes it can be a bag of tricks. Just how much of the “truth” do audiences really get? The word “manipulation” comes to mind. “Merchants of Doubt” is not rated. Rating of 3.

 

While We’re Young—Ben Stiller and Naomi Watts are a couple sliding into middle-age. Ben is a filmmaker. they meet a nice young couple, Amanda Seyfreid and Adam Driver and become friends. Then, Ben and Naomi take a long, hard look at their own lives. Crisis ahead? “While We’re Young” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Danny Collins—This comedy stars Al Pacino as a fading rock star (try to imagine that) who is trying to revive his career. Enter something unexpected (really unexpected) and he decides to go with it.  Also in the cast  are Annette Bening, Bobby Cannavale, Jennifer Garner and Christopher Plummer. “Danny Collins” is rated R. No rating.

 

The Longest Ride—Based on a Nicholas Sparks novel , this film tells the story of a love affair between a bull rider (Scott Eastwood) and an artist (Britt Robertson.) Of course, there are problems, and one day Scott meets a retired champion, Ira (Alan Alda) who helps him in this situation. Also in the cast are Jon Huston and Lolita Davidovich. “The Longest Ride” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for author Nicholas Sparks fans.

 

Woman In Gold—This is based on a real life situation in which a woman (Helen Mirren) tries to regain a portrait stolen by the German Army during WWII. The painting is called “Portrait of Adele Bloch-Bauer” by Gustav Klimt. Also in the cast are Maria Altman, Katie Holmes, Charles Dance and Elizabeth McGovern (“Downton Abbey.”) “Woman In Gold” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

APRIL 17, 2015…

 

Clouds of Sils Maria stars Juliette Binoche as an actress trying to adjust to younger actresses after her roles.

 

Monkey Kingdom is a documentary about a family  of monkeys who have to move to another home. Disney Nature film.

 

Child 44 is based on Tom Rob Smith’s 2008 novel about child murders in Russia. Stars Tom Hardy.

 

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is a sequel to Kevin James earlier hit, and now Blart is doing special security in Las Vegas.

 

Unfriended uses the Internet and Skype as a tool to haunt people. Stars Heather Sossaman.

 

True Story, and based on a true incident, stars James Franco as a man in Oregon who murders his wife and children and then goes on the run.

 

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