April 16, 2016: Saturday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160416

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Sorry, but I can’t take requests. If I took requests, I’d be out right now flying a kite or jumping in a lake.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.” For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.  — 2 Corinthians 10:17-18

 

Jesus said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. — Luke 9:23-24

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Hate evil, love good; maintain justice in the courts. Perhaps the LORD God Almighty will have mercy on the remnant of Joseph. — Amos 5:15

 

Thought: While we teach our children that we must not hate people, we also must teach them to loathe injustice, evil, prejudice, and the mistreatment of the weak. Amos reminded Israel that God demands justice be administered fairly for both rich and poor, resident and alien. Their repeated refusals of God’s will in these areas brought destruction upon their land despite their apparent affluence and power in Amos’ day.

 

Prayer: Holy God, I know you are furious at the injustice in so many lands and are enraged at the ethnic hatred setting our world ablaze. Please make your people, your Church, a place of justice, equity, compassion, love, racial healing, and hope. Please begin in my heart and with my hands to build this better world. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Hebrews 4:16 NIV = Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – APRIL 16, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 252 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is INTERNATIONAL MOMENT OF LAUGHTER DAY, time to set aside a moment to laugh.  ***MARLAR: Hopefully this show has already taken care of that for you today.

 

Today is NATIONAL STRESS AWARENESS DAY.  ***MARLAR: And if you’re not aware of stress… you don’t have any.

 

NATIONAL VOLUNTEER WEEK begins today.  ***MARLAR: I know this should be a good thing, but when the boss demands that you recognize the spirit of the week by doing your job for no pay… it just doesn’t have that same warm and fuzzy feeling.

 

This is NATIONAL COIN WEEK. ***MARLAR: Probably because after dealing with the IRS yesterday, coins are the only thing you have left.

 

Today is CONSUMER AWARENESS DAY. ***MARLAR: The day after Tax Day… go figure.  We’re now aware that we can’t afford to do any more consuming.

 

Today is WEAR YOUR PAJAMAS TO WORK DAY.  ***MARLAR: I chickened out this morning and didn’t wear mine.  All I have are the kind with feet.

 

 

YOUR BEDTIME CLOTHES REVEAL THE DEEP-DOWN YOU

Psychiatrist Dr. Douglas LaDier says what you wear to bed reveals your personality.

 

FOR MEN:

  • Pajamas — You’re a no-nonsense kind of guy, direct and straightforward. Once you’ve committed yourself, your relationships tend to last. You are steady, hardworking and you enjoy rugged outdoor activities.
  • Boxer Shorts/Briefs — You’re good at details and like order in your life. You are warm, friendly and caring. You remember birthdays, anniversaries and other important dates.
  • Long Johns — You’re practical, secure about yourself, and you don’t follow trends. You work on a task until it is completed. You don’t like variety once you find a style you like, you stick with it.
  • T-shirts — You’re a down-home kind of man, not easily impressed by superficial people or material possessions. You’re mellow, slow to anger and enthusiastic at work.
  • Nude — You are creative, high-spirited, quick-tempered, and you have great confidence in your ability to achieve your goals. At work you’re known as an “idea man” who can quickly grasp the complexities of a problem and readily find a solution.

 

 

FOR WOMEN:

  • Baby Dolls or Nightgowns — Sensitive and romantic, you’re always looking for excitement. You are also neat, orderly and meticulous about your appearance.
  • Flannel or Other Heavy Pajamas — You’re a warm, caring person with a smile for everyone and a hug for those who need it. You enjoy outdoor activities like camping and hiking and you’re very practical.
  • Teddy, Chemise or Camisole — You are very feminine, and you like to be coddled, petted and pampered. You love candlelight dinners.
  • Childlike Pajamas — You like the warmth and coziness of a strong, safe relationship. You’re reliable and steady at work and play.
  • T-shirt or Team Jersey — Generous and warm, you make friends easily. You are playful in your relationship. People confide in you, knowing you’re trustworthy.
  • Nude –– You’re spontaneous, independent, and you respond to challenges at the drop of a hat. You are very trusting and like openness.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Auctioneers Day

Husband Appreciation Day

National Health Care Decisions Day

National Orchid Day

National Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day

Record Store Day

Save The Elephant Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, APRIL 17

Bat Appreciation Day

Blah! Blah! Blah! Day

Ellis Island Family History Day

Ford Mustang Day

International Haiku Poetry Day

Nothing Like a Dame Day

 

MONDAY, APRIL 18

Adult Autism Day

Boston Marathon

National Columnists’ Day

National Golf Day

National Lineman Appreciation Day

National Stress Awareness Day

Pet Owners Independence Day

World Amateur Radio Day

 

TUESDAY, APRIL 19

Bicycle Day

Education and Sharing Day

John Parker Day

National Garlic Day

National Hanging Out Day

Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day

National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20

Chinese Language Day

International Cli-Fi Day

National Cheddar Fries Day

National Pot Smokers Day

 

THURSDAY, APRIL 21

Bulldogs are Beautiful Day

High Five Day

National Ask An Atheist Day

National D.A.R.E. Day

Kindergarten Day

National Chocolate-Covered Cashews Day

National Surprise Drug Test Day (***How can it be a surprise if we know today is National Surprise Drug Test Day?)

Queen’s Birthday

 

FRIDAY, APRIL 22

Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day

Earth Day

Girl Scout Leaders Day

Global Selfie Earth Day (NASA)

“In God We Trust” Day

Mother Earth Day

National Jelly Bean Day

Passover

Satchmo Days (22-24)

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 23

English Language Day

Impossible Astronaut Day

National Dance Day

National Lost Dog Awareness Day

Movie Theater Day

Talk Like Shakespeare Day

World Book & Copyright Day

World Book Night

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 24

Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day

National Pet Parents’ Day

Pinhole Photography Day

Mother, Father Deaf Day

New Kids On The Block Day

World Meningitis Day

 

MONDAY, APRIL 25

DNA Day
Eeyore’s Birthday

Hairstylists Appreciation Day

Hug a Plumber Day (Plumbers Day)

International Marconi Day

License Plates Day

National Mani-Pedi Day

Malaria Awareness Day

Parental Alienation Day

Red Hat Society Day

Save the Frogs Day

Sense of Smell Day

Spring Astronomy Day

World Day for Animals in Laboratories

World Penguin Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1867: Wilbur Wright was born in Millville, Indiana. When it came time to decide in 1903 who would make history’s first airplane flight, Wilbur and brother Orville flipped a coin. Wilbur lost.

 

1889: U.S. patent #432,728 was issued for the air-conditioned hat, a hat with a wind-up exhaust fan at the back that pulled air in through vents in the front and top.

 

1935: The radio comedy program “Fibber McGee and Molly” premiered on the NBC Blue Network.

 

1940: President Franklin Roosevelt threw the first pitch of the new baseball season, a wild pitch, and broke the camera of Washington Post photographer Irving Schlossenberg.

 

1947: The Zoomar lens was first demonstrated at the NBC Television studios in New York City. Today even 35-millimeter cameras can use the zoom lens.

 

1956: On “I Love Lucy,” in an episode called “Lucy’s Italian Movie,” Lucy engages in what would become TV’s classic comedy grape-stomping scene. (audio clip)

 

1962: Walter Cronkite began anchoring “The CBS Evening News,” replacing Douglas Edwards.

 

1987: The U.S. Patent Office began accepting patent applications for new animals created by genetic engineering.

 

1993: A Monmouth, Illinois, man told a judge his wife could come back home and cook for him while she was out on bail awaiting trial for trying to poison him.  ***MARLAR: Sounds like he’s the one that should be eating the prison food… he’d be safer!

 

1994: The first woman was inducted into the National Comedy Hall of Fame. The 50-year veteran of the Grand Ole Opry, Minnie Pearl, died in 1996.

 

1999: Wayne Gretzky announced his retirement from hockey.

 

1999: Shania Twain became the first woman to be named as Songwriter/Artist of the Year by the Nashville Songwriters Association International.

 

2000: As a protest against noise at Italy’s Malpensa airport, some 30 voters in a Milan suburb cast their votes in regional elections in their underwear.

 

2003: Michael Jordan played his last NBA game with the Washington Wizards, who lost to the Philadelphia 76ers, 107-87.

 

2006: Lance Nesta of Waukesha, Wisconsin, found a fruitcake in his mother’s attic his aunts had sent him in the Army in Alaska in 1962. Nesta didn’t like fruitcake so he shipped it back home and forgot about it when he left the Army. Still in its original tin, he said the 44-year-old fruitcake hadn’t changed at all, fresh as ever. But he still wouldn’t eat it.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1521: German reformer Martin Luther arrives at the Diet of Worms, convinced he would get the hearing he requested in 1517 to discuss the abuse of indulgences and his “95 Theses.” He was astounded when he discovered it would not be a debate, but rather a judicial hearing to see if he wished to recant his words. In defending himself the next day, Luther said, “Unless I can be instructed and convinced with evidence from the Holy Scriptures or with open, clear, and distinct grounds of reasoning . . . then I cannot and will not recant, because it is neither safe nor wise to act against conscience. Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me! Amen!” When negotiations over the next few days failed to reach any compromise, Luther was condemned.

 

1879: Bernadette Soubirous, who at age 14 became famous for her visions of the Virgin Mary at Lourdes, dies in Nevers, France. In 1933 the Roman Catholic church declaired her a saint.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Leap of Faith, Mars Attacks, Last Days, Samuel in Witness) Lucas Haas 40
  • actor (Ralphie in A Christmas Story) Peter Billingsly 44
  • actor (“Martin,” Bad Boys, Big Momma’s House) Martin Lawrence 51
  • actor (Duckie in Pretty In Pink, Zach on “The Trouble With Normal”, Bob on “Partners”, best known as Alan Harper on “Two And A Half Men”) Jon Cryer 51 (audio clip)
  • basketball’s Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is 69

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1924 : Henry Mancini

1924 : Rudy Pompilli (Bill Haley & His Comets)

1929 : Roy Hamilton

1929 : Ed Townsend

1930 : Herbie Mann

1935 : Bobby Vinton (born Stanley Robert Vintula)

1939 : Dusty Springfield

1943 : “Lonesome” Dave Peverett (Foghat)

1947 : Gerry Rafferty (Stealers Wheel)

1947 : Lee Kerslake (Uriah Heep, Blizzard of Ozz)

1962 : Ian MacKaye (Minor Threat, Fugazi)

1963 : Jimmy Osmond (The Osmonds)

1964 : David Pirner (Soul Asylum)

1971 : Selena

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do some mushrooms glow?

If you have walked in damp woods on a dark night and you have good night vision, you may have noticed a glowing mushroom growing from a decaying log. Although glowing mushrooms are common, their glow is not usually bright enough to attract human attention.

Mushrooms that glow are attracting insects and small animals that want to eat them. Some of the spores the mushroom produces end up getting attached to the outside of the eaters, and are later deposited far away, spreading the fungus around.

Fungi have other ways of attracting potential spore-spreaders. Some, like the foul-smelling stinkhorns, emit an odor that attracts flies and beetles. Some flowering plants also use foul odors to attract the flies or other insects that pollinate them.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

A good question from Kutless member James Mead: What do you focus on throughout the day? The light, or the darkness? God loves you and He wants to be present in every space in your life. He will show everyone around you His love for them through His love for you. Shed this skin of darkness.

 

Natalie Grant recently heard Mercy Me singing “ lawless” on the radio and she says it made her giggle. She posted: I’m giggling at the time my Sadie sang “the cross has made you vomit!” at top of her lungs! Of course, the song says, “the cross has made you flawless” but clearly Sadie wasn’t listening that closely.

 

Comedian Bob Smiley: There’s many ways to wake up. ‘OH NO! Dad, the toilet!!!!’ is not my favorite.

 

The Studio is locked up and so is the new Switchfoot record. Front man Jon Forman posted this week: Album #10 is headed to NYC to get mastered! I’m so excited for you all to hear it…

 

Shane and Shane were in the studio this week recording new music. However, Shane Barnard says: occasionally you cut timber. He shared a picture as he took a break from cutting songs and spent some time with a chain saw cutting down trees.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDym6YuPRQ9/

 

Natalie Grant says Nashville is getting bigger and she is not a big fan. Natalie posted this week: Stop growing. My twins’ school is 12 miles away and it took 90 minutes to get there and back.

 

Mercyme’s Bart Millard downloaded an app for his 5 yr old to play with this week. Does he like it? We may never know. Bart admitted that his 5 year old hadn’t gotten to play with it yet because Bart was having to much fun with it.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BDywLRUEk0a/

 

Jaun Devevo shared some home schooling tips. Both Jaun and his wife Melodee are members of Casting Crowns and home school their children since they spend so much time on the road. Jaun posted: (1) make them do house projects while learning and also getting along with each other, (2) Have your kids pick up pine cones in the yard and call it Nature or PE or something while you take a nap.

 

Jamie Grace says her allergies can be rough. She posted: I get genuinely sad that I’m allergic to raw fruit…and salad…and kale.

 

The artist KJ52 recently posted: Post workout naps are the best. Kutless member James Mead replied: Delete “post workout.”

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Scream at Bottom of Lungs”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Tim Hawkins, “Costco”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, a small badger had managed to convince all of the jungle animals that if they bought fancy shoes from him, they’d all be the envy of their friends.  Unfortunately, it’s kind of impossible for everyone to be the envy of everyone, so Millard decided to get even fancier shoes…

 

CLOSE: Doggone it… and I just bought these shoes too.  I can’t afford to keep doing this on my salary.  And how can Millard afford to buy an even fancier pair than the fancier pair he bought after buying the original fancy pair of shoes?  He doesn’t even have a job!  How much longer are we all going to keep doing this?  Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 16/17

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita decided she no longer wanted to sing with her sisters and decided to go solo.  So the Cheetah Sisters held auditions to find a replacement.  And that wasn’t going very well.  And Cheetah Bonita’s solo career was also having difficulties, because the BAND wanted to be solo too!

 

CLOSE: Now even the individual band members want to have solos?  If this keeps up everybody will be doing solos – but nobody will be listening, because they’ll be too busy with their own solos!  Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

There’s a very valid reason for not smoking in hospitals… and it has nothing to do with sick people. 

In Dallas, a hospital patient who was wearing an oxygen mask actually tried to light a cigarette in his hospital room. This sparked a fire that forced the evacuation of more than 100 patients, destroyed the room and melted medical equipment. A nurse at Methodist Dallas Medical Center rescued the man from his burning bed shortly after the blaze started. He suffered serious burns and was taken to the burn unit at another Dallas hospital. Fortunately no one else was hurt. Officials didn’t release the inDUHvidual’s name or condition, citing medical privacy laws.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN PERKS FOR WORKING FOR THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER

  1. Meeting interesting new people, like bat-boy, and Elvis’s two headed baby
  2. No more pesky “Reality Police”
  3. It satisfies your lifelong goal of burning every bridge possible in the field of journalism.
  4. Free backrubs from either the lady with two heads or the frog boy… your choice
  5. You get kicked out of all the greatest parties on Oscar night!
  6. Free upgrades of Photoshop and all the film you can manipulate!
  7. Free beatings by the celebrity of your choice!
  8. All those interview trips to Blzirthmork and the Crab Nebula really boost your Frequent Flyer Miles total.
  9. You do the same thing Enron’s accounting firm did, but you don’t get in trouble for it.
  10. You can borrow the UFO every third weekend.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Bad places to have a cell phone?  Church, weddings, movie theatres, business meetings, first dates, and… bank robberies.

 

FILE #1: In what could bring new meaning to the term ‘being put on hold,’ 19-year-old Lonnie Eugene Stout, of St. Johns County, Florida, lost his cell phone recently. Unfortunately, Stout lost the phone at the scene of a robbery. The not-so-quick thinking Lonnie figured he could get his cell phone back by calling his own number and arranging to pick it up. While St. Johns County Sheriff’s Deputy T.C. Coward was investigating the break in, the phone rang. The deputy identified himself, and asked to meet the owner to return the phone. Lonnie agreed and was given one phone call before being sent to the slammer.

 

FILE #2: How can painting toenails get you in trouble with the law?  In India, a man is wanted on charges of painting toenails. And he’s choosy about his victims. According to reports, the man will slink late at night into the bedrooms of unsuspecting and sleeping victims and paint their toenails a red or pink color. But it’s not women the man is victimizing — it’s men. So far 5 men have had their nails painted.

 

FILE #3: In Gothenburg, Sweden, a 21-year-old guy was with some friends as they withdrew some money from an ATM. Noticing the video camera in the machine, he decided, as a joke, to break the glass and steal the lens of the camera. Then he and his colleagues laughed as they ran down the street and threw the lens away. Unfortunately, before he took the lens, the camera captured a perfect shot of his face as he committed the crime, and the bank had a record of his friend’s withdrawal. The police put two and two together and arrested the suspect the same day.

 

STRANGE LAW: In the state of Connecticut you can be stopped by the police for bicycling over 65 miles per hour.  ***MARLAR: Stopped?  If you can go 65 miles per hour on a bicycle, you should be commended.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Some people don’t quite understand the concept of “keeping a low profile.”

Barbara A. Hill has problems.  Problems with authority, problems with drugs, and now problems getting out of jail.  The 21-year-old Arizona girl was recently arrested for possession of marijuana.  Oh yeah, and possession of marijuana for sale… and transportation of marijuana for sale.  And possession of a dangerous drug and possession of drug paraphernalia.  This all happened because of her problem with authority… she made a very inappropriate hand gesture to a police officer – for no apparent reason – while he drove past her car.  This prompted him to stop, of course – at which point he was able to charge her with numerous crimes.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

It’s National Volunteer Week… do you or your family spend any time volunteering around the city?  Where do you volunteer, and what do you do there?  What made you decide to get involved?  Any suggestions on where to volunteer around town?  Where’s the need?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: The Sermon on the Mount can be found in which book?

ANSWER: Matthew (Matthew 5:1 to 7:29)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Of which president did humorist Will Rogers say, “He didn’t do nothing, but that’s what we wanted done”?

ANSWER: Calvin Coolidge

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Mosquitoes prefer blondes to brunettes. (True – and they prefer children over adults)

 

  1. No two spider webs are the same. (True)

 

  1. Of all known forms of animal’s life ever to inhabit the Earth, only about 1 percent still exist today. (False – 10 percent, at least as far as we can tell)

 

  1. On average, pigs live for about 5 years. (False – fifteen years)

 

  1. Only female mosquitoes bite. (True. Females need the protein from blood to produce their eggs.)

 

  1. Only full-grown male crickets can chirp. (True)

 

  1. Owls have eyeballs that are triangular in shape, because of this, they cannot move their eyes. (False – their eyes are tubular. But still, it does keep them from moving their eyes.)

 

  1. Pet parrots can eat any common “people-food”. (False – they cannot have chocolate and avocados. Both of these are highly toxic to the parrot and can be fatal.)

 

  1. Pigs can get sunburned. (True. So can walruses and light-colored horses)

 

  1. Prairie dogs are truly one of the canine family. (False – a prairie dog is a kind of rodent.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ EARTH FOUND WITH_______ HUMANS (SUPER)

More than 50 new alien planets — including a Super Earth with Super Humans has been discovered by the European Southern Observatory (ESO).

The newfound haul of alien planets includes 16 Super Earths, including one in which researchers have spotted more than a dozen Super Humans, who are at least 50 feet tall, according to researchers.

The planet, called HD 85512 b, has captured astronomers’ attention because it orbits at the edge of its star’s habitable zone, suggesting conditions could be ripe for the Super Humans to make a trip to Earth.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry”, said the first one.

“Me, too”, said the second. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate ’til they could eat no more. “I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up to the tree,” said the first one.
“Me neither, let’s just lay here and bask in the warm sun”, said the second.
“OK”, said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, “I love baskin’ robins.”

 

JOKE #2

Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account.

“The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store,” she said.

“Oh good,” he said,

“Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!”

 

JOKE #3

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. They all had the same story.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily,

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No sir,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Researchers now believe that the difference in length from your ring finger to our index finger may be an indicator of athletic ability.  ***MARLAR: No wonder they called me Butterfingers when I played football.

 

If you want to lose weight, join a soccer league. According to research from Copenhagen University in Denmark, soccer works off more fat and builds up more muscle than jogging.  ***MARLAR: Not from playing the game itself, but from running away from the football players who think you’re a pansy.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

RESPECTFUL FISHERMAN

Two guys are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, “That was touching. I didn’t know you had it in you.”
The first guy responds, “Well, I guess it was the thing to do – after all, I was married to her for 40 years.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THE NEW WAY TO TRAVEL?

We all try to make plans to see our parents – especially when they’re under the weather. But Istvan Beki of Budapest had a problem. He lived 155 miles away and did not have enough money to take a train. But he took the train anyway at a discounted rate… by using the Postal Service.

Yup, Istvan mailed himself to his mother! He got himself a large cardboard box, made air holes in it, got a bottle of water and some sandwiches together and told the guy at the post office to seal up the box once he got in. Apparently there are no postal regulations in Budapest against mailing oneself. The next day he saw his mother, at 1/20th the cost of the train ride.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SO LITTLE TIME

So little time to say the things
You’d really like to say –
Before you even find the words,
The time just slips away.

So little time to do the things
You feel that you must do.
So treasure, like the purest gold,
The time God’s given you.

So little time to dream your dreams,
For youth has passed its prime,
And all too soon you realize
That there’s … so little time.

So little time to reach the height
To which you’re bound to climb,
For swiftly pass the waning years,
And there’s … so little time.

So little time to pass regrets,
And less, to make amends,
Yet God can heal the deepest wounds
In chosen, cherished friends.

So little time to share God’s love
And beauty here on earth,
And know, before His endless time,
Their meaning and true worth.

Oh, yes, there is so little time
To seek the hidden door
That opens up to heaven’s time,
Where time’s forevermore.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

PANELED HOUSES

Dave Egner

Read: Haggai 2:1-9

Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses, and this temple to lie in ruins? – Haggai 1:4

The prophecy of Haggai is often overlooked in Scripture, but it holds much for us. This brief book consists of four messages from God to the Jewish exiles who had returned from Babylon. Their mission was to rebuild the temple in Jerusalem.

They started well, but then their enthusiasm waned and they turned to building houses for themselves. In his first message, Haggai asked, “Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses, and this temple to lie in ruins?” (1:4).

In message two (2:1-9), Haggai asked if anyone remembered the temple Solomon had built, and that King Nebuchadnezzar destroyed. A few elderly exiles could recall the former glory. By comparison, the abandoned work looked pitiful.

Let’s think for a moment about our work of building the church. For us, the church is the body of Christ—the believers themselves (1 Corinthians 12:27). Our mission as followers of Jesus is to become a strong, dedicated, growing, witnessing church.

How is your local congregation doing? Is it busy doing the work of God? Are you personally involved? Or have you become distracted with the work of building your own “paneled houses”?

 

God gives us talents to be used for Him.
Should then His work for lack of zeal decline?
His kingdom first! Our light must not grow dim—
Through faithful servants may His glory shine! —Mollon

 

 

LEFTOVERS

THREE DELICIOUS BENEFITS OF EATING CHOCOLATE

 

Sharper Mind: Harvard researchers found that when older adults with diabetes or hypertension and impaired blood flow to the brain drank two cups of hot cocoa daily for 30 days, 89 percent saw an improvement in blood flow during tests of memory and thinking skills, suggesting that cocoa may also reverse some of the cognitive changes that come with age or vascular disease.

 

Lower Blood Pressure: A daily dose of dark chocolate may help lower BP. In one small 2014 study, researchers found that when subjects ages 18 to 23 ate about a third of an ounce of dark chocolate (that was more than 75 percent cocoa) daily for a month, they experienced a decrease in blood pressure and arterial stiffness. Why? Chocolate may improve blood flow by relaxing arteries.

 

Better Stress Control: If you often reach for the sweet stuff when you’re under pressure, don’t beat yourself up. A recent Swiss study found that dark chocolate may help suppress the production of stress hormones from the adrenal glands in anxiety-inducing situations. Consider this permission to keep a little dark chocolate stashed in your desk drawer.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT ME

Need to recharge your body’s batteries?  Instead of taking a nap, try getting a little “me time.” 

Savoring even a few minutes of it adds fuel to your being, enhancing your energy for the rest of the day,” says Carol Kauffman, Ph.D., assistant clinical professor at Harvard Medical School in Boston. “Indulging can even increase your performance at work.” To savor stolen moments, remember this:

  • Start small. Close your eyes while listening to soothing tunes. Any activity can give you pep “if it calms and connects you to your core self,” she says.
  • Relaxing daily is as essential as going on an annual vacation. “View each 24 hour period as a microcosm of your year, and take a break,” Kauffman says.
  • You’re worth it. “You invest time in people you love, so you should be one of them,” she advises.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

HOW TO ANNOY THE IRS – IN CASE YOU’RE RUNNING A BIT LATE WITH YOUR RETURN

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS without getting into trouble. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.

  • Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
  • Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side.
  • If you send two checks, they’ll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.
  • If you’re very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, send two or three party checks. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
  • Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer’s glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn’t open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
  • Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
  • Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped.
  • When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if it’s just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
  • Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it’s on. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a supermarket sack.
  • If they owe you money, being nice helps.

 

 

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU’RE A LOUSY BOWLER

  1. You keep score on your hands
  2. You had to be informed that the balls have holes
  3. Everyone bowling with you wears steel-toed shoes
  4. During a typical game, you lose three balls
  5. Your last name is Obama.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

YOU ARE SUCH A CHARMER!

Ladies Home Journal writer Margaret Renkl identifies the five traits of charming people:

  • A Sense of Humor – More important than poise or social ease, being funny attracts people like magnets. Make someone laugh, and you’ll have an admirer.
  • Insight and Passion – A charming person has a unique ability to be fully engaged in the moment. They tend to be highly intelligent, curious and creative.
  • Effortless Social Grace – Your mother called it poise. A poised person knows exactly what to do and what to say in every social situation, no matter how awkward or strange.
  • An Interest in Others – A charming person is a sparkling conversationalist. When a charming person asks another, “How are you?” she really wants to know the answer. “Fine” isn’t enough of a response. She asks about the other person’s life. How are the children doing? Is your sick mother getting better? There is sincere, not feigned, interest.
  • Curiosity About the World – Being deeply curious about all things is a trait of charming people — from trying new foods to reading books to meeting people. They always want to know more, and that attitude is contagious in that it inspires in others a sensation of energy, deeper engagement and greater curiosity.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

On Thursday, March 24, a Logan County student did something virtually unheard of in today’s society — preached in the hall of a school. Logan High School Junior Skyler Miller drew a sizable group of students who settled on the floor of the school hall and listened to his sermon. Miller said “I had been praying for a long time that Jesus would send me into the hall to preach the gospel because I wanted to be fearless and bold for him just like the disciples and apostle Paul.” He added, “About 20 minutes before I did it he told me, ‘Today is the day Skyler. Go be a light and let the broken know who I am.’”

https://loganbanner.com/news/6207/revival-in-the-halls-of-logan-high

 

Harvest Church’s Greg Laurie’s sermon on the unforgivable sin is going viral as he examines what it means to blaspheme the Holy Spirit. While God forgives the deepest rebellions and most impure hearts, He does have a limit. Laurie says “The only sin that God will not forgive is the sin that we will not confess.” But that’s not all. “There is a point of no return, there is an unforgivable sin.” It’s the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. Watch the entire video by clicking on the link at christianartistnews.info

http://www.charismanews.com/culture/56256-greg-laurie-this-is-the-real-unforgivable-sin

 

A judge has banned a British Muslim man from taking his son to church after the man’s ex-wife found out and filed a complaint. According to ChristianHeadlines.com, The International Business Times reports that the boy lives with his mother, but sees his father every other weekend. His father began bringing him to church because he found comfort there after the divorce. But when his mother found out, she applied to the court and won the order which prevents the boy being taken to any Christian building.” Andrea Williams of England’s Christian Legal Center says “The wife is using the law to coerce and silence a father’s right to determine his son’s religious experience.” “This would not have happened the other way around,” Williams continued. “If a Christian parent was trying to deny a child access to a mosque, there would be a huge outcry and claims of Islamophobia.”

http://dlvr.it/KwskKL

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting to talk.” –Fran Lebowitz

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 15, 2016…

 

The Jungle Book—Adapted from the book for the screen, this movie is in animation and about the boy, Mowgli (Neel Sethi) who is raised by wolves and was brought to them by a black panther (Ben Kingsley).  When a Bengal tiger (Idris Elba) wants no humans in the jungle, Mowgli and his friends go on a journey to find out who he really is. Voices include Bill Murray, Lupita Nyong’o, Scarlett Johansson and Christopher Walken. “The Jungle Book” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Barbershop 2: The Next Cut—Film Four in the series about owning a barbershop and how one has to become inventive in fighting street gangs.  The cast includes Ice Cube, Cedric The Entertainer, Regina Hall, Bernie Mac, Anthony Anderson and Common. “Barbershop 2: The Net Cut” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Criminal—Kevin Costner is an ex-con with a ;mission in his head.  He has implanted memories and must complete someone else’s mission. The CIA is involved. Also in the cast are Gary Oldman, Tommy Lee Jones and Gal Godot (the new Wonder Woman.). “Criminal” is rated R. No rating.

 

Everybody Wants Some!!—A comedy directed by Richard Linklater, this film is about college baseball in the 1980’s. You could write about any sport and put this title on it, but baseball is the theme here and the stars are Zoey Deutch, Ryan Guzman and Blake Jenner. “Everybody Wants Some!!” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Hardcore Henry—The over-used story of a vigilante (Sharlto Copley) trying to find a kidnapped wife, but this time, the action is viewed through the eyes of the vigilante, who has been brought back to life (think of television’s “Second Chance”) as a soldier. The cast includes Haley Bennett, Tim Roth and Will Stewart.  “Hardcore Henry” is rated R. No rating.

 

APRIL 22, 2016…

 

The Huntsman: Winter’s War has Chris Hemsworth back as The Huntsman and this time against two evil sisters.

 

A Hologram For The King stars Tom Hanks, based on Dave Eggers novel, as a salesman going to the Middle East to get a big contract.

 

The Meddler is about a lonely widow whose daughter doesn’t like her meddling, so points her in another direction. Stars Susan Sarandon.

 

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