April 16, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180416
PDF: 20180416

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Sorry, but I can’t take requests. If I took requests, I’d be out right now flying a kite or jumping in a lake.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE [the White House], and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof!” – John Adams

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.” For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends. — 2 Corinthians 10:17-18

Jesus said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. — Luke 9:23-24

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Hate evil, love good; maintain justice in the courts. Perhaps the LORD God Almighty will have mercy on the remnant of Joseph. — Amos 5:15

Thought: While we teach our children that we must not hate people, we also must teach them to loathe injustice, evil, prejudice, and the mistreatment of the weak. Amos reminded Israel that God demands justice be administered fairly for both rich and poor, resident and alien. Their repeated refusals of God’s will in these areas brought destruction upon their land despite their apparent affluence and power in Amos’ day.

Prayer: Holy God, I know you are furious at the injustice in so many lands and are enraged at the ethnic hatred setting our world ablaze. Please make your people, your Church, a place of justice, equity, compassion, love, racial healing, and hope. Please begin in my heart and with my hands to build this better world. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Hebrews 4:16 NIV = Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

TODAY IS MONDAY – APRIL 16, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 252 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is INTERNATIONAL MOMENT OF LAUGHTER DAY, time to set aside a moment to laugh. ***Hopefully this show has already taken care of that for you today.

Today is NATIONAL STRESS AWARENESS DAY. ***And if you’re not aware of stress… you don’t have any.

NATIONAL VOLUNTEER WEEK begins today. ***I know this should be a good thing, but when the boss demands that you recognize the spirit of the week by doing your job for no pay… it just doesn’t have that same warm and fuzzy feeling.

This is NATIONAL COIN WEEK. ***Probably because after dealing with the IRS yesterday, coins are the only thing you have left.

Today is CONSUMER AWARENESS DAY. ***The day after Tax Day… go figure. We’re now aware that we can’t afford to do any more consuming.

Today is WEAR YOUR PAJAMAS TO WORK DAY.  ***I chickened out this morning and didn’t wear mine.  All I have are the kind with feet.

YOUR BEDTIME CLOTHES REVEAL THE DEEP-DOWN YOU

Psychiatrist Dr. Douglas LaDier says what you wear to bed reveals your personality.

FOR MEN:

• Pajamas — You’re a no-nonsense kind of guy, direct and straightforward. Once you’ve committed yourself, your relationships tend to last. You are steady, hardworking and you enjoy rugged outdoor activities.

• Boxer Shorts/Briefs — You’re good at details and like order in your life. You are warm, friendly and caring. You remember birthdays, anniversaries and other important dates.

• Long Johns — You’re practical, secure about yourself, and you don’t follow trends. You work on a task until it is completed. You don’t like variety once you find a style you like, you stick with it.

• T-shirts — You’re a down-home kind of man, not easily impressed by superficial people or material possessions. You’re mellow, slow to anger and enthusiastic at work.

• Nude — You are creative, high-spirited, quick-tempered, and you have great confidence in your ability to achieve your goals. At work you’re known as an “idea man” who can quickly grasp the complexities of a problem and readily find a solution.

FOR WOMEN:

• Baby Dolls or Nightgowns — Sensitive and romantic, you’re always looking for excitement. You are also neat, orderly and meticulous about your appearance.

• Flannel or Other Heavy Pajamas — You’re a warm, caring person with a smile for everyone and a hug for those who need it. You enjoy outdoor activities like camping and hiking and you’re very practical.

• Teddy, Chemise or Camisole — You are very feminine, and you like to be coddled, petted and pampered. You love candlelight dinners.

• Childlike Pajamas — You like the warmth and coziness of a strong, safe relationship. You’re reliable and steady at work and play.

• T-shirt or Team Jersey — Generous and warm, you make friends easily. You are playful in your relationship. People confide in you, knowing you’re trustworthy.

• Nude –– You’re spontaneous, independent, and you respond to challenges at the drop of a hat. You are very trusting and like openness.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Boston Marathon
Emancipation Day
Foursquare Day
National Bean Counter Day
National Health Care Decisions Day
National Orchid Day
Save The Elephant Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, APRIL 17

Bat Appreciation Day
Blah! Blah! Blah! Day
Ellis Island Family History Day
Ford Mustang Day
Herbalist Day
Income Tax Pay Day
International Haiku Poetry Day
Malbec World Day
National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day
Nothing Like A Dame Day
World Hemophilia Day

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18

Adult Autism Day
International Amateur Radio Day
International Day for Monuments and Sites
National Columnists’ Day
National Lineman Appreciation Day
Pet Owners Independence Day
World Amateur Radio Day

THURSDAY, APRIL 19

Bicycle Day
Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Action Day
Get to Know Your Customers Day
John Parker Day
National Garlic Day
National Hanging Out Day
National Ask An Atheist Day
National D.A.R.E. Day
National Stress Awareness Day
Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 20

Chinese Language Day
International Cli-Fi Day
National Cheddar Fries Day
National Pot Smokers Day
National Teach Children to Save Day

SATURDAY, APRIL 21

Auctioneers Day
Bulldogs are Beautiful Day
Husband Appreciation Day
Kindergarten Day
National Chocolate-Covered Cashews Day
National Pro-Life T-Shirt Day
National Surprise Drug Test Day
National Yellow Bat Day
Queen’s Birthday (real date)
Record Store Day
Spring Astronomy Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 22

Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day
Earth Day
Girl Scout Leaders Day
Global Selfie Earth Day (NASA)
“In God We Trust Day” Day
Mother Earth Day
National Jelly Bean Day

MONDAY, APRIL 23

English Language Day
English Muffin Day
Impossible Astronaut Day (Dr. Who)
National Lost Dog Awareness Day
Movie Theatre Day
Talk Like Shakespeare Day
World Book & Copyright Day
World Book Night

TUESDAY, APRIL 24

Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day
Sauvignon Blanc Day
New Kids on The Block Day
World Day for Animals in Laboratories
World Meningitis Day

ON THIS DAY

1867: Wilbur Wright was born in Millville, Indiana. When it came time to decide in 1903 who would make history’s first airplane flight, Wilbur and brother Orville flipped a coin. Wilbur lost.

1889: U.S. patent #432,728 was issued for the air-conditioned hat, a hat with a wind-up exhaust fan at the back that pulled air in through vents in the front and top.

1935: The radio comedy program “Fibber McGee and Molly” premiered on the NBC Blue Network.

1940: President Franklin Roosevelt threw the first pitch of the new baseball season, a wild pitch, and broke the camera of Washington Post photographer Irving Schlossenberg.

1947: The Zoomar lens was first demonstrated at the NBC Television studios in New York City. Today even 35-millimeter cameras can use the zoom lens.

1956: On “I Love Lucy,” in an episode called “Lucy’s Italian Movie,” Lucy engages in what would become TV’s classic comedy grape-stomping scene. (audio clip)

1962: Walter Cronkite began anchoring “The CBS Evening News,” replacing Douglas Edwards.

1987: The U.S. Patent Office began accepting patent applications for new animals created by genetic engineering.

1993: A Monmouth, Illinois, man told a judge his wife could come back home and cook for him while she was out on bail awaiting trial for trying to poison him. ***Sounds like he’s the one that should be eating the prison food… he’d be safer!

1994: The first woman was inducted into the National Comedy Hall of Fame. The 50-year veteran of the Grand Ole Opry, Minnie Pearl, died in 1996.

1999: Wayne Gretzky announced his retirement from hockey.

1999: Shania Twain became the first woman to be named as Songwriter/Artist of the Year by the Nashville Songwriters Association International.

2000: As a protest against noise at Italy’s Malpensa airport, some 30 voters in a Milan suburb cast their votes in regional elections in their underwear.

2003: Michael Jordan played his last NBA game with the Washington Wizards, who lost to the Philadelphia 76ers, 107-87.

2006: Lance Nesta of Waukesha, Wisconsin, found a fruitcake in his mother’s attic his aunts had sent him in the Army in Alaska in 1962. Nesta didn’t like fruitcake so he shipped it back home and forgot about it when he left the Army. Still in its original tin, he said the 44-year-old fruitcake hadn’t changed at all, fresh as ever. But he still wouldn’t eat it.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1521: German reformer Martin Luther arrives at the Diet of Worms, convinced he would get the hearing he requested in 1517 to discuss the abuse of indulgences and his “95 Theses.” He was astounded when he discovered it would not be a debate, but rather a judicial hearing to see if he wished to recant his words. In defending himself the next day, Luther said, “Unless I can be instructed and convinced with evidence from the Holy Scriptures or with open, clear, and distinct grounds of reasoning . . . then I cannot and will not recant, because it is neither safe nor wise to act against conscience. Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me! Amen!” When negotiations over the next few days failed to reach any compromise, Luther was condemned.

1879: Bernadette Soubirous, who at age 14 became famous for her visions of the Virgin Mary at Lourdes, dies in Nevers, France. In 1933 the Roman Catholic church declaired her a saint.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

• actor (Leap of Faith, Mars Attacks, Last Days, Samuel in Witness) Lucas Haas 42

• actor (Ralphie in A Christmas Story) Peter Billingsly 46

• actor (“Martin,” Bad Boys, Big Momma’s House) Martin Lawrence 53

• actor (Duckie in Pretty In Pink, Zach on “The Trouble With Normal”, Bob on “Partners”, best known as Alan Harper on “Two And A Half Men”) Jon Cryer 53 (audio clip)

• basketball’s Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is 71

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1924 : Henry Mancini

1924 : Rudy Pompilli (Bill Haley & His Comets)

1929 : Roy Hamilton

1929 : Ed Townsend

1930 : Herbie Mann

1935 : Bobby Vinton (born Stanley Robert Vintula)

1939 : Dusty Springfield

1943 : “Lonesome” Dave Peverett (Foghat)

1947 : Gerry Rafferty (Stealers Wheel)

1947 : Lee Kerslake (Uriah Heep, Blizzard of Ozz)

1962 : Ian MacKaye (Minor Threat, Fugazi)

1963 : Jimmy Osmond (The Osmonds)

1964 : David Pirner (Soul Asylum)

1971 : Selena

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do some mushrooms glow?

If you have walked in damp woods on a dark night and you have good night vision, you may have noticed a glowing mushroom growing from a decaying log. Although glowing mushrooms are common, their glow is not usually bright enough to attract human attention.

Mushrooms that glow are attracting insects and small animals that want to eat them. Some of the spores the mushroom produces end up getting attached to the outside of the eaters, and are later deposited far away, spreading the fungus around.

Fungi have other ways of attracting potential spore-spreaders. Some, like the foul-smelling stinkhorns, emit an odor that attracts flies and beetles. Some flowering plants also use foul odors to attract the flies or other insects that pollinate them.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

*****NOTE: THIS FEATURE WILL BE TAKING A BREAK FROM MARCH 31 THRU APRL 16. IT WILL RETURN TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2018.*****

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

They savor pizza and burgers, no longer frighten children, and many of them can walk the streets without people knowing they have someone else’s cheeks, nose, lips and skin. People who have had face transplants increasingly are going public, helping to transform an operation that six years ago was daredevil theory into one that is widely accepted. At least 18 face transplants have been done around the world. ***And Mickey Rourke couldn’t be more excited.

A survey of drivers has revealed the best foods to eat while driving. Insure.com said its online survey of drivers found the motorists’ most preferred foods while behind the wheel were candy bars, French fries, potato chips and chicken nuggets. ***And in my case, preferably all at once.

Turns out all your greatest fears about pee in the pool are true! About one in five Americans say they’ve peed in the pool. Even the world’s most famous pool-user, Michael Phelps, says “everybody” does it. But for the first time, scientists have finally figured out a way to quantify just how much urine is in our pools, publishing the disgusting results Wednesday in Environmental Science & Technology Letters. A research team testing 31 pools and hot tubs in Canada found evidence of urine in every single one of them! On average, there were 8 gallons of urine in a 110,000-gallon pool. It’s even grosser for hot tubs. One hotel hot tub was found to have three times the urine level of the worst swimming pool. Researchers say they aren’t trying to turn people off of swimming; they’d just like to remind everyone to please not pee in the pool. (Environmental Science & Technology Letters) ***Well, you won’t have to worry about me – I’m not setting foot in the water ever again!

If you had to come up with $1,000 in cash right now, would you be able to do so without borrowing money or using your credit card? If so, then a survey from the National Foundation for Credit Counseling says you’re in the minority. According to the survey, 64% of Americans don’t have enough cash available to them to cover a $1,000 emergency. ***But that’s only because 64% of America’s biggest emergency is the U.S. economy.

Love can naturally lead to marriage which can naturally lead to – physical fitness? Married people are more physically fit than their single counterparts. Researchers at Stanford University say they believe married couples are more fit because the husbands and wives encourage one another to exercise. ***That’s true. My wife is always telling me to take a hike.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were selling all of their possessions and packing up to move out of the jungle as fast as possible because they were all terrified of a giant, disgusting, loud, smelly, awful giant-footed monster! But just before everyone moved, Sully the Aardvark thought about something…

CLOSE: Oh great… so maybe the monster IS real! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
There’s a very valid reason for not smoking in hospitals… and it has nothing to do with sick people. 

In Dallas, a hospital patient who was wearing an oxygen mask actually tried to light a cigarette in his hospital room. This sparked a fire that forced the evacuation of more than 100 patients, destroyed the room and melted medical equipment. A nurse at Methodist Dallas Medical Center rescued the man from his burning bed shortly after the blaze started. He suffered serious burns and was taken to the burn unit at another Dallas hospital. Fortunately no one else was hurt. Officials didn’t release the inDUHvidual’s name or condition, citing medical privacy laws.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN PERKS FOR WORKING FOR THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER

10. Meeting interesting new people, like bat-boy, and Elvis’s two headed baby

9. No more pesky “Reality Police”

8. It satisfies your lifelong goal of burning every bridge possible in the field of journalism.

7. Free backrubs from either the lady with two heads or the frog boy… your choice

6. You get kicked out of all the greatest parties on Oscar night!

5. Free upgrades of Photoshop and all the film you can manipulate!

4. Free beatings by the celebrity of your choice!

3. All those interview trips to Blzirthmork and the Crab Nebula really boost your Frequent Flyer Miles total.

2. You do the same thing Enron’s accounting firm did, but you don’t get in trouble for it.

1. You can borrow the UFO every third weekend.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Bad places to have a cell phone?  Church, weddings, movie theatres, business meetings, first dates, and… bank robberies.

FILE #1: In what could bring new meaning to the term ‘being put on hold,’ 19-year-old Lonnie Eugene Stout, of St. Johns County, Florida, lost his cell phone recently. Unfortunately, Stout lost the phone at the scene of a robbery. The not-so-quick thinking Lonnie figured he could get his cell phone back by calling his own number and arranging to pick it up. While St. Johns County Sheriff’s Deputy T.C. Coward was investigating the break in, the phone rang. The deputy identified himself, and asked to meet the owner to return the phone. Lonnie agreed and was given one phone call before being sent to the slammer.

FILE #2: How can painting toenails get you in trouble with the law?  In India, a man is wanted on charges of painting toenails. And he’s choosy about his victims. According to reports, the man will slink late at night into the bedrooms of unsuspecting and sleeping victims and paint their toenails a red or pink color. But it’s not women the man is victimizing — it’s men. So far 5 men have had their nails painted.

FILE #3: In Gothenburg, Sweden, a 21-year-old guy was with some friends as they withdrew some money from an ATM. Noticing the video camera in the machine, he decided, as a joke, to break the glass and steal the lens of the camera. Then he and his colleagues laughed as they ran down the street and threw the lens away. Unfortunately, before he took the lens, the camera captured a perfect shot of his face as he committed the crime, and the bank had a record of his friend’s withdrawal. The police put two and two together and arrested the suspect the same day.

STRANGE LAW: In the state of Connecticut you can be stopped by the police for bicycling over 65 miles per hour. ***Stopped? If you can go 65 miles per hour on a bicycle, you should be commended.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Some people don’t quite understand the concept of “keeping a low profile.”

Barbara A. Hill has problems.  Problems with authority, problems with drugs, and now problems getting out of jail.  The 21-year-old Arizona girl was recently arrested for possession of marijuana.  Oh yeah, and possession of marijuana for sale… and transportation of marijuana for sale.  And possession of a dangerous drug and possession of drug paraphernalia.  This all happened because of her problem with authority… she made a very inappropriate hand gesture to a police officer – for no apparent reason – while he drove past her car.  This prompted him to stop, of course – at which point he was able to charge her with numerous crimes.

PHONER PHUN

It’s National Volunteer Week… do you or your family spend any time volunteering around the city? Where do you volunteer, and what do you do there? What made you decide to get involved? Any suggestions on where to volunteer around town? Where’s the need?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: The Sermon on the Mount can be found in which book?

ANSWER: Matthew (Matthew 5:1 to 7:29)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Of which president did humorist Will Rogers say, “He didn’t do nothing, but that’s what we wanted done”?

ANSWER: Calvin Coolidge

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Mosquitoes prefer blondes to brunettes. (True – and they prefer children over adults)

2. No two spider webs are the same. (True)

3. Of all known forms of animal’s life ever to inhabit the Earth, only about 1 percent still exist today. (False – 10 percent, at least as far as we can tell)

4. On average, pigs live for about 5 years. (False – fifteen years)

5. Only female mosquitoes bite. (True. Females need the protein from blood to produce their eggs.)

6. Only full-grown male crickets can chirp. (True)

7. Owls have eyeballs that are triangular in shape, because of this, they cannot move their eyes. (False – their eyes are tubular. But still, it does keep them from moving their eyes.)

8. Pet parrots can eat any common “people-food”. (False – they cannot have chocolate and avocados. Both of these are highly toxic to the parrot and can be fatal.)

9. Pigs can get sunburned. (True. So can walruses and light-colored horses)

10. Prairie dogs are truly one of the canine family. (False – a prairie dog is a kind of rodent.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ EARTH FOUND WITH_______ HUMANS (SUPER)

More than 50 new alien planets — including a Super Earth with Super Humans has been discovered by the European Southern Observatory (ESO).

The newfound haul of alien planets includes 16 Super Earths, including one in which researchers have spotted more than a dozen Super Humans, who are at least 50 feet tall, according to researchers.

The planet, called HD 85512 b, has captured astronomers’ attention because it orbits at the edge of its star’s habitable zone, suggesting conditions could be ripe for the Super Humans to make a trip to Earth.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry”, said the first one.

“Me, too”, said the second. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate ’til they could eat no more. “I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up to the tree,” said the first one.
“Me neither, let’s just lay here and bask in the warm sun”, said the second.
“OK”, said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, “I love baskin’ robins.”

JOKE #2

Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account.

“The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store,” she said.

“Oh good,” he said,

“Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!”

JOKE #3

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. They all had the same story.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily,

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No sir,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

USELESS FACTS

Researchers now believe that the difference in length from your ring finger to our index finger may be an indicator of athletic ability.  ***No wonder they called me Butterfingers when I played football.

If you want to lose weight, join a soccer league. According to research from Copenhagen University in Denmark, soccer works off more fat and builds up more muscle than jogging.  ***Not from playing the game itself, but from running away from the football players who want to pulverize you because they think you’re a pansy.

FEATURED FUNNIES

RESPECTFUL FISHERMAN

Two guys are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, “That was touching. I didn’t know you had it in you.”
The first guy responds, “Well, I guess it was the thing to do – after all, I was married to her for 40 years.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THE NEW WAY TO TRAVEL?

We all try to make plans to see our parents – especially when they’re under the weather. But Istvan Beki of Budapest had a problem. He lived 155 miles away and did not have enough money to take a train. But he took the train anyway at a discounted rate… by using the Postal Service.

Yup, Istvan mailed himself to his mother! He got himself a large cardboard box, made air holes in it, got a bottle of water and some sandwiches together and told the guy at the post office to seal up the box once he got in. Apparently there are no postal regulations in Budapest against mailing oneself. The next day he saw his mother, at 1/20th the cost of the train ride.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SO LITTLE TIME

So little time to say the things
You’d really like to say –
Before you even find the words,
The time just slips away.

So little time to do the things
You feel that you must do.
So treasure, like the purest gold,
The time God’s given you.

So little time to dream your dreams,
For youth has passed its prime,
And all too soon you realize
That there’s … so little time.

So little time to reach the height
To which you’re bound to climb,
For swiftly pass the waning years,
And there’s … so little time.

So little time to pass regrets,
And less, to make amends,
Yet God can heal the deepest wounds
In chosen, cherished friends.

So little time to share God’s love
And beauty here on earth,
And know, before His endless time,
Their meaning and true worth.

Oh, yes, there is so little time
To seek the hidden door
That opens up to heaven’s time,
Where time’s forevermore.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

PANELED HOUSES

Dave Egner

Read: Haggai 2:1-9

Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses, and this temple to lie in ruins? – Haggai 1:4

The prophecy of Haggai is often overlooked in Scripture, but it holds much for us. This brief book consists of four messages from God to the Jewish exiles who had returned from Babylon. Their mission was to rebuild the temple in Jerusalem.

They started well, but then their enthusiasm waned and they turned to building houses for themselves. In his first message, Haggai asked, “Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses, and this temple to lie in ruins?” (1:4).

In message two (2:1-9), Haggai asked if anyone remembered the temple Solomon had built, and that King Nebuchadnezzar destroyed. A few elderly exiles could recall the former glory. By comparison, the abandoned work looked pitiful.

Let’s think for a moment about our work of building the church. For us, the church is the body of Christ—the believers themselves (1 Corinthians 12:27). Our mission as followers of Jesus is to become a strong, dedicated, growing, witnessing church.

How is your local congregation doing? Is it busy doing the work of God? Are you personally involved? Or have you become distracted with the work of building your own “paneled houses”?

God gives us talents to be used for Him.
Should then His work for lack of zeal decline?
His kingdom first! Our light must not grow dim—
Through faithful servants may His glory shine! —Mollon

LEFTOVERS

THREE DELICIOUS BENEFITS OF EATING CHOCOLATE

Sharper Mind: Harvard researchers found that when older adults with diabetes or hypertension and impaired blood flow to the brain drank two cups of hot cocoa daily for 30 days, 89 percent saw an improvement in blood flow during tests of memory and thinking skills, suggesting that cocoa may also reverse some of the cognitive changes that come with age or vascular disease.

Lower Blood Pressure: A daily dose of dark chocolate may help lower BP. In one small 2014 study, researchers found that when subjects ages 18 to 23 ate about a third of an ounce of dark chocolate (that was more than 75 percent cocoa) daily for a month, they experienced a decrease in blood pressure and arterial stiffness. Why? Chocolate may improve blood flow by relaxing arteries.

Better Stress Control: If you often reach for the sweet stuff when you’re under pressure, don’t beat yourself up. A recent Swiss study found that dark chocolate may help suppress the production of stress hormones from the adrenal glands in anxiety-inducing situations. Consider this permission to keep a little dark chocolate stashed in your desk drawer.

LIFE… LIVE IT

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT ME

Need to recharge your body’s batteries? Instead of taking a nap, try getting a little “me time.”

Savoring even a few minutes of it adds fuel to your being, enhancing your energy for the rest of the day,” says Carol Kauffman, Ph.D., assistant clinical professor at Harvard Medical School in Boston. “Indulging can even increase your performance at work.” To savor stolen moments, remember this:

• Start small. Close your eyes while listening to soothing tunes. Any activity can give you pep “if it calms and connects you to your core self,” she says.

• Relaxing daily is as essential as going on an annual vacation. “View each 24 hour period as a microcosm of your year, and take a break,” Kauffman says.

• You’re worth it. “You invest time in people you love, so you should be one of them,” she advises.

JUST FOR FUN

HOW TO ANNOY THE IRS

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS without getting into trouble. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.

• Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

• Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side.

• If you send two checks, they’ll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

• If you’re very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, send two or three party checks. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

• Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer’s glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn’t open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

• Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

• Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped.

• When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if it’s just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

• Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it’s on. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a supermarket sack.

• If they owe you money, being nice helps.

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU’RE A LOUSY BOWLER

• You keep score on your hands

• You had to be informed that the balls have holes

• Everyone bowling with you wears steel-toed shoes

• During a typical game, you lose three balls

• Your last name is Obama.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

YOU ARE SUCH A CHARMER!

Ladies Home Journal writer Margaret Renkl identifies the five traits of charming people:

• A Sense of Humor – More important than poise or social ease, being funny attracts people like magnets. Make someone laugh, and you’ll have an admirer.

• Insight and Passion – A charming person has a unique ability to be fully engaged in the moment. They tend to be highly intelligent, curious and creative.

• Effortless Social Grace – Your mother called it poise. A poised person knows exactly what to do and what to say in every social situation, no matter how awkward or strange.

• An Interest in Others – A charming person is a sparkling conversationalist. When a charming person asks another, “How are you?” she really wants to know the answer. “Fine” isn’t enough of a response. She asks about the other person’s life. How are the children doing? Is your sick mother getting better? There is sincere, not feigned, interest.

• Curiosity About the World – Being deeply curious about all things is a trait of charming people — from trying new foods to reading books to meeting people. They always want to know more, and that attitude is contagious in that it inspires in others a sensation of energy, deeper engagement and greater curiosity.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Here is a fun and easy little trick to be the person everyone likes: Share a laugh. Whether you’re meeting someone for the first time or want to strengthen an existing friendship that has faltered, say something that will make you both laugh. That’s the word from researchers at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia, who analyzed more than 5,500 social interactions and determined that sharing a laugh with someone now is an excellent predictor of social rewards later whether it be a friendship or a relationship between work colleagues, reports Prevention magazine. while using laughter as a foundation for a healthy relationship is old hat, what’s new about this research is that it focuses on how today’s laugh can impact something that may happen a month from now. For example, share a laugh with a client today, and you may have a better chance of closing the deal next week.

Mom was right. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Skip it, and you could increase your risk of suffering a heart attack or developing heart disease by as much as 27 percent, according to researchers from Harvard. Why? Skipping breakfast makes you hungrier, so you are more likely to have sugary morning snacks and eat more food at lunch. Those types of eating habits can lead to weight gain, hypertension, type 2 diabetes and high cholesterol, all risk factors for cardiovascular disease.

Both the hummingbird and the vulture fly over our nation’s deserts. All vultures see is rotting meat, because that is what they look for. They thrive on that diet. But hummingbirds ignore the smelly flesh of dead animals. Instead, they look for the colorful blossoms of desert plants. The vultures live on what was. They live on the past. They fill themselves with what is dead and gone. But hummingbirds live on what is. They seek new life. They fill themselves with freshness and life. Each bird finds what it is looking for. We all do. (Steve Goodier, Quote Magazine, in Reader’s Digest, May, 1990.)

The best beverage for weight loss is water. Yes, drinking an extra glass of water every day may be the secret to fighting middle-age spread and could be even more important than exercise and dieting when it comes to lowering the numbers on the bathroom scale. That’s the word from Harvard University researchers, who have conducted one of the largest and most comprehensive studies on the dietary benefits of drinking water. The 20-year study tracked the food and beverage habits of nearly 125,000 U.S. adults in their 30s, 40s and 50s. By replacing one soda a day with a glass of water, the middle-age adults in the study weighed about seven pounds less than those who didn’t drink as much water. And the more water they consumed instead of sodas, juice and whole milk, the less they gained overall. ***I’ve actually gone without my morning coffee now since the beginning of November, drinking water instead.  I should check my weight on the scale to see if it has made a difference!

How To Change Your Attitudes
Author: Catherine Pulsifer

Your outlook on life, basically your attitude can determine your happiness and success in life. Attitude is a mindset, how you view your world. Do you see the positive or do you focus on the negative? Our perception of the events in our life, and how we regard these events can be attributed to our attitude. How can you change your attitude? –        when dealing with a situation try and find the good in it. Focus on the good; do not dwell on the negative. Depending on the situation, you sometimes have to look hard to find the good but it is there. By doing this you start changing attitudes to a positive attitude rather than a negative attitude.

Change Yourself First

Remember the saying, “you can’t change other people, you can only change yourself.” So if someone tells you that you have a poor attitude, don’t try and convenience them otherwise as you won’t change their mind. When someone tells us this we have a tendency to take a defensive attitude, instead focus on how you can change.

Can you change attitudes of other people? Again, I would refer to the saying, “you can’t change other people, you can only change yourself”. You will end up becoming very frustrated if you try and change other people. Remember, you can only change yourself and how you deal with that individual.

True Reflection

The story below is a story of attitude. The individual in this story could have easily developed a “poor me” attitude, but instead he chose to focus on what he can do, his attitude reflects what a positive outlook on life can be like.

“Now I look beyond what I can’t do and focus on what I CAN.” Robert M. Hensel

Too often in life, we focus on the things we cannot do. Sometimes we cannot do things because of financial limitations, health limitations, family limitations, educational limitations, and so on. Sometimes, we end up limiting ourselves from achieving success in reaching our goals. We end up having a negative attitude which limits our ability to achieve success and happiness in our life.

Through the Internet, I have recently met an individual whom I found to be very inspiring. He has a positive attitude, he focuses on what he can do. To name a few of his accomplishments:

– he has set a world record, and is in the Guinness Book of World Records

– he is an international poet with over 900 publications

– he is an advocate for the disabled

– he is the founder of Beyond Limitations Week

– he is an Ambassador for the Harvey Ball World Smile Foundation.

– he has created his own website, http://wheelierecord.tripod.com/index.html

and the list could go on!

Unstoppable Despite Adversity

The individual is Robert M. Hensel. You see, Robert was born spina bifida; a disability that affects your sense of balance and also has an impact on your kidneys. Robert could have easily used his disability to limit his achievements, yet he has accomplished more than many. His attitude and outlook on life is one that, for me, is inspiring! To quote Robert, “I have learned that limitations open doors that have been closed, showing other ways to meet our needs.”

Let Robert be a reminder for changing attitudes. Use his motto of not focusing on what you can’t do, but, focus on what you can do!

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Alex Haley, the author of “Roots,” had an unusual picture hanging on his office wall. It was a picture of a turtle on top of a fence post. When asked, “Why is that there?” Alex Haley answered, “Every time I write something significant, every time I read my words & think that they are wonderful, & begin to feel proud of myself, I look at the turtle on top of the fence post & remember that he didn’t get there on his own. He had help.”

That is the basis of thankfulness – to remember that we got here with the help of God, & that He is the provider of every blessing we have. (SOURCE: Melvin Newland, Minister, Central Christian Church, Brownsville, TX)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting to talk.” –Fran Lebowitz

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

APRIL 13, 2018…

Beirut (opening in select cities)—This is a political drama/thriller starring Jon Hamm. He portrays a former diplomat who is called into action to save a friend from assassins. Also in the cast are Rosamund Pike (“Hostiles”) and Dean Norris. “Beirut” is rated R. No rating.

Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero—This is a true story, partially computer generated.  Stubby began as a homeless Boston terrier, who was found by a young man going off to WWI. Logan Lerman plays the man who becomes quite fond of Stubby and before you know it, Stubby is on foreign soil and, it is discovered, has special skills.  He can smell mustard gas from a distance, thus helping troops avoid that area, and he can find wounded soldiers so medics can help them. Talk about bravery. After the way, Stubby ends up being the most decorated canine ever and the first—and only—canine to be promoted to the rank of Sergeant. Helena Bonham Carter also stars, and is the narrator of the story. You will recognize Gerard Depardieu, also. “Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Rider (opening in select cities)—For western fans, this film is about a professional rodeo rider (true story) who is at the top of his game when there is a serious accident.  What to do next? What direction to go now?  The film did well at Sundance.  Cast includes Brady Jandreau, Tim Jandreau, Lilly Jandreau and Lane Scott.  “The Rider” is rated R. No rating.

Miracle Season—This dramatic film, based on a true story, is about volleyball.  Specifically, the Iowa City West High School Girls Volleyball Team.  Their captain, Caroline (Danika Yarosh), nicknamed “Line” dies in an accident and the team is devastated. What to do? Helen Hunt is their coach, and together, the team decides to “go for the gold and for Line.”  They start winning  and you can figure out the rest. Other sports films that had similar themes include “The Mighty Ducks” and “Miracle” (both hockey), “Hoosiers” for basketball, “The Replacements” and “Necessary Roughness” for football.  In this volleyball film, William Hurt is also in the cast along with Erin Moriarity. “Miracle Season” is rated PG-13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Flower (opening in select cities)—A coming-of-age film (think “Lady Bird” here), the film concerns a teenage girl (Zoey Deutch) living with her Mom (Kathryn Hahn) and the Mom’s boyfriend, Tim Heidecker. Enter, the boyfriend’s son (Joey Morgan) who has emotional problems and before you can snap your fingers, the teens are out for trouble and that includes harassing a teacher, Adam Scott. “Flower” is rated R. No rating.

APRIL 20, 2018…

Rampage stars Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) as a scientist whose friend is a large gorilla—but the gorilla keeps getting bigger and bigger…….

Super Troopers 2 has the group on the Canadian/US border. Stars Rob Lowe.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.