April 17, 2015: Friday ONAIRprep

 

CLICK HERE FOR A .DOC VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20150417

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And a reminder… you must be at least this tall to listen to my show.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. — 1 John 5:12

 

This is why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him. If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. — Romans 13:6-7

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever. Every day I will praise you and extol your name for ever and ever. — Psalm 145:1-2

 

Thought: The way we praise God forever, the way we honor our pledge to give him glory for all the days of our life, is really pretty simple: we do it today. As long as we praise God today, the forever takes care of itself. So as you commit to lift high the name of God and praise him for all eternity, remember the place it starts: praise God today — not only in the things that you say, but also in the way that you live!

 

Prayer: Mighty God and loving Father, today I want to tell you how marvelous and wonderful I believe you to be. You are righteous, faithful, holy, and merciful. You are tender, loving, and yet magnificent in glory and incomparable in strength. You have redeemed me from my sin and given me hope beyond my own death. You have filled my life full of good people and have promised me a home with you. You, O God, are without peer and without rival. You are my King, my awesome and majestic Father. In Jesus’ name I praise you, today and forever. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

1 John 4:17 NIV = In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.

 

 

TODAY IS FRIDAY – APRIL 17, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 253 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is TOOTHBRUSH APPRECIATION DAY, a day to wonder how life would taste without your toothbrush.  ***MARLAR: I’ve decided to give this a try, and this morning I intend to find out if my co-host will notice.

 

Today is NATIONAL CHEESE BALL DAY. ***MARLAR: I’ve been told not to talk about this day, though. Apparently the boss is getting a bit fed up with the amount of honesty I’ve been using recently when talking about him on the air.

 

tumblr_ma1n09NVIL1qap72po1_500Today is BLAH BLAH BLAH DAY, a day to stop smoking, take out the trash, lose weight, empty the cat litter, get a job, quit a job, or whatever. ***MARLAR: So it’s a day to do whatever it is you need to do, I guess. I’ll be using this day to not talk about our boss being a cheese ball.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Bat Appreciation Day

Ellis Island Family History Day

Ford Mustang Day

Nothing Like a Dame Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, APRIL 18

Adult Autism Day

National Columnists’ Day

National Golf Day

National Lineman Appreciation Day

Pet Owners Independence Day

World Amateur Radio Day

Auctioneers Day

Husband Appreciation Day

Record Store Day

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 19

Bicycle Day

John Parker Day

National Garlic Day

National Hanging Out Day

Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day

 

MONDAY, APRIL 20

Chinese Language Day

National Pot Smokers Day

Boston Marathon

 

TUESDAY, APRIL 21

Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day

Kindergarten Day

National Surprise Drug Test Day (because yesterday was National Pot Smokers Day)

Queen’s Birthday (real date)

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22

Administrative Professionals Day (Secretary’s Day)

Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day

Earth Day

Girl Scout Leaders Day

Global Selfie Earth Day (NASA)

In God We Trust Day

Mother Earth Day

 

THURSDAY, APRIL 23

English Language Day

Impossible Astronaut Day

National Lost Dog Awareness Day

Movie Theater Day

Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day

Talk Like Shakespeare Day

World Book & Copyright Day

World Book Night

 

FRIDAY, APRIL 24

Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day

National Hairball Awareness Day

New Kids on The Block Day

National Teach Your Children to Save Day

Satchmo Days begin

World Meningitis Day

Arbor Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1810: Lewis Norton of Troy, Pennsylvania, patented Pineapple Cheese.

 

1912: Al Jolson recorded “Ragging the Baby to Sleep” for the Victor Talking Machine Company. Reportedly, the record sold a million copies in two years, the first “unofficial” gold record.

 

1947: Jackie Robinson got his first hit for the Brooklyn Dodgers when he beat out a bunt.

 

1950: The wrestling program at Hollywood Stadium was canceled when ten of the wrestlers refused to perform on a televised event. The wrestlers said televising matches would hurt paid attendance.

 

1953: Facing pitcher Chuck Stobbs, Mickey Mantle hit major-league baseball’s longest regular season home run at Griffith Stadium in Washington, D.C.—565 feet. The ball eventually was found in the backyard of a home a full block away from the stadium. (A minor leaguer, “Dizzy” Carlyle, hit a 618-foot homer in 1929 at Emeryville, California.)

 

1960: Singer Eddie Cochran died in Bath, England, from severe brain injuries sustained in a car crash near Chippenham. Gene Vincent was seriously injured in the accident.

 

1964: At the New York World’s Fair, Ford Motor Company introduced the Mustang. Base price was $2,368.

 

1964: The FBI lab reported that it could not determine the lyrics on the Kingmen’s recording “Louie Louie.”

 

1967: “The Joey Bishop Show” debuted on ABC-TV late night, opposite Johnny Carson. Joey, announcer Regis Philbin and Johnny Mann’s music lasted just over 2 years, but couldn’t beat Carson.

 

1970: Paul McCartney released his first solo album, “McCartney.” It included a self-interview that confirmed the Beatles had broken up.

 

1980: Police in Lansing, Michigan, arrested three adult sisters for running around their neighborhood nude after smearing their bodies with mustard. The ladies said they were looking for the Garden of Eden.

 

1985: The U.S. Postal Service unveiled its new 22-cent “Love” stamp. Showing the set of TV’s The Love Boat as a backdrop, the stamp became one of the postal service’s biggest sellers.

 

1987: An armed Easter bunny robbed a store in Manchester, Ohio, and escaped with $655.00. No one was hurt.

 

1990: A 21-year-old man pleaded no contest to 732 charges of disturbing the peace and driving with a suspended license in Torrance, California. Rather than face 275 years in jail, the man agreed to move away from neighbors who said he drove his Volkswagen across their lawns every day for 366 consecutive days.

 

2003: A 34-year-old research scientist who’d had too much to drink stumbled home and fell asleep in a house where he had lived seven years earlier. Police were called when a teenager came home to find the intruder asleep in the teenager’s bed in Axbridge, England. Police took the scientist to his own home and did not file charges.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1521: The German Martin Luther was excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church. The Church’s action was based on Luther’s attacks against the papacy and the sale of indulgences. A practice common at the time, a person’s sins were pardoned through the purchase of an indulgence letter.

 

1708: Ambrose, Archbishop of Moscow from 1768-1771 is born. In 1771, in the middle of an outbreak of the plague, Ambrose (who is known for his translations of the Hebrew psalter and some Greek and Latin fathers) was martyred by a mob when he removed an icon from the church to prevent the spread of infection.

 

1937: With Mussolini’s troops occupying Ethiopia, Sudan Interior Mission missionaries who had started a small church among the previously devil-worshiping Wallamo tribe are forced to leave the country. “We knew God was faithful,” one missionary wrote. “But still we wondered—if we ever come back, what will we find?” The missionaries returned in July 1943 to find that, despite severe persecution by Italian soldiers, the Christian community had grown from 48 members to 18,000.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

actress (“Alias”, Elektra, Daredevil, 13 Going on 30) Jennifer Garner is 43 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1882 : Artur Schnabel

1934 : Don Kirschner

1936 : Tony Bellus

1940 : Billy Fury

1943 : Roy Estrada (Captain Beefheart, Mothers of Invention, Little Feat)

1944 : Bobby Curtola

1948 : Jan Hammer

1954 : Michael Sembello

1955 : Pete Shelley (The Buzzcocks)

1964 : James Keenan (Tool)

1967 : Liz Phair

1970 : Redman

1974 : Victoria Adams (The Spice Girls)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is there no channel one on broadcast TV?

You just can’t count on broadcast TV to count. When the rest of the world begins counting things with the number one, our TVs begin counting with the number two. That’s because there is only a limited amount of broadcast bandwidth to go around. The part that would be used by channel one was long ago allocated to mobile radios… a.k.a. CB Radios. So, in reality, channel one is being used to warn people that there’s a cop up ahead.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Tenth Avenue North has been snap chatting for some time. Now other bands are starting to join in. Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard and Building 429’s Jason Roy both recently announced that they are also on Snapchat.

 

Please keep Casting Crowns front man Mark Hall in your prayers. This weekend will be Casting Crowns first concerts since his kidney surgery. Just this past weekend Mark was forced to go back to bed after taking on a little to much.

 

Chris August will make his debut at the Grand Ole Opry. His first ever performance on the famous stage will take place this Saturday.

 

Aaron Shust had to reschedule his home session online concert this week. He said the broadcast will instead be held on June 30th. Aaron will also have a Christmas album session, featuring his Christmas project, on July the 28th.

 

Rebecca St. James will be part of another movie this summer. The Christian artist and author says her next acting job will be in the new film Faith of Our Fathers. It will release in theaters on July 1.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Wolverine tries to escape from carrier at New Jersey airport
NEWARK, N.J. (AP) — Authorities say a wolverine tried to escape from its metal carrier at a New Jersey airport and had to be tranquilized. Joe Pentangelo with the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey says officers were called to Terminal C at Newark Liberty International Airport on…

 

Jail to inmates: Buy underwear in commissary or go commando
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Buy underwear from the commissary or go commando. That’s a new policy from one Ohio jail that’s grown tired of finding contraband hidden in undergarments sent to inmates by relatives and friends. Franklin County Commissioners on Tuesday approved a $95,000, one-year…
Chimp Tushi turns drone-buster in Dutch Burgers’ Zoo    photo
ARNHEM, Netherlands (AP) — Beware! Chimp Tushi at the Dutch Burgers’ Zoo is a real drone-buster. When the zoo sent a drone over the chimpanzee enclosure for a better look at how their 14 apes live, the response was swift. With the unfamiliar intruder coming close to them, 23-year-old female…
Up with umlauts: Lindstrom, Minnesota, to get its dots back
ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) — Minnesota Gov. Mark Dayton is playing punctuation police when it comes to the state’s road signs — umlauts included. The governor issued an executive order Wednesday to restore the two small pronunciation marks above the ‘o’ on the sign outside of Lindström. The…
School for strippers might have kept going, if not for noise
TAMPA, Fla. (AP) — If not for the loud parties, the owner of a $2 million mansion on Florida’s Gulf Coast might have continued operating a training school for strippers next door to an exclusive gated community. The Tampa Tribune reports (http://bit.ly/1aw4mb1 ) the all-night, liquor-fueled…
Elusive mountain lion captivates LA then quickly vanishes    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — A celebrity mountain lion transformed a wealthy hillside neighborhood into a paparazzi-like scene of scrambling photographers before eluding everyone Tuesday and quietly slipping away. The 125-pound beast, easily recognizable by the collar and ear tag wildlife officials…
Farmer names calf born with heart in neck ‘Cardio Brisket’
MARIANNA, Pa. (AP) — A calf born with its heart in its neck is thriving on a western Pennsylvania farm despite the unusual deformity. Tom Leech, the Amwell Township farmer who owns the 6-week-old calf, researched the disorder on the Internet and found just two instances, one in Kentucky in…
Man kills armadillo, but ricochet gunshot hits mother-in-law
LEESBURG, Ga. (AP) — Authorities say a south Georgia man shot an armadillo, but ended up accidentally wounding his mother-in-law when the bullet ricocheted off the mammal known for its hard shell. Lee County Sheriff’s deputies tell WALB-TV (http://bit.ly/1FCGUBO) that 54-year-old Larry…
Huge metal rooster found in forest following Georgia heist
ATHENS, Ga. (AP) — Authorities say the hunt for a 10-foot metal rooster stolen from outside an Athens, Georgia, business has ended in a forest, where Rocket the Rusty Roster was discovered under a pile of wood. Lexington Village owner Bonnie Harris says she’s grateful the sculpture has been…
80-year-old Alabama grandfather goes to prom for first time
ALBERTVILLE, Ala. (AP) — An 80-year-old grandfather in northern Alabama has experienced his first high school prom after going as his granddaughter’s date. James “Poppa” Drain of Albertville told WHNT-TV (http://bit.ly/1zdHNOS) his granddaughter, Joy Webb, asked him to be her date for…
Houston hospital says woman has given birth to 5 girls    photo
HOUSTON (AP) — A Houston hospital says a woman has delivered five girls in what it believes is the first set of all-female quintuplets born in the U.S. The Woman’s Hospital of Texas say Danielle Busby had her babies by cesarean section April 8. Doctors say the children, born premature at 28…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Disney-linked measles outbreak soon to be over in California    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — A measles outbreak that began at Disneyland and reignited debate about vaccinations is nearing an end. The outbreak will be declared over in California on Friday if no new cases pop up, according to the California Department of Public Health. Disease investigators worked…

 

Powdered alcohol creator tries to get ahead of state bans
AUGUSTA, Maine (AP) — The creator of powdered alcohol is furiously trying to fend off efforts to ban the product in Maine and across the country before it even hits stores. After winning federal approval last month, Palcohol founder Mark Phillips is preparing to soon begin selling the powder,…
Study questions accuracy of certain tumor-only gene mapping
WASHINGTON (AP) — More cancer patients are getting the genes in their tumors mapped to help guide their treatment. New research suggests that isn’t always accurate enough, and a second test could help ferret out the culprit genes. Cancer involves two sets of genetic code — your own and…
At Manila’s autism-friendly cafe, it’s A-OK to be different    photo
MANILA, Philippines (AP) — Guided by a therapist and cue cards, Jose Canoy carefully removed a waffle from the griddle, turned off the waffle maker and asked for a serving plate from the kitchen staff at Manila’s brightly-decorated Puzzle Cafe. Each of Canoy’s next moves were similarly laid…
Ukraine’s disabled condemned to life in institutions    photo
KIEV, Ukraine (AP) — An international rights group said in a report Thursday that growing numbers of disabled children in Ukraine are being condemned to life in orphanages and institutions blighted by neglect and abuse. Disability Rights International said its three-year investigation found…
Finally, Congress OKs bill reshaping Medicare doctors’ fees    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Conservatives hated that it’s expected to swell federal deficits over the coming decade. Liberals complained that it shortchanged health programs for children and women. But after years of complaints and failed efforts, huge majorities of both parties in Congress finally…
Canine flu outbreak sickens hundreds of dogs in Midwest    photo
MADISON, Wis. (AP) — A canine flu outbreak has sickened many dogs in the Midwest, and veterinarians are cautioning pet owners to keep their dogs from going nose-to-nose with other four-legged friends. The University of Wisconsin-Madison’s School of Veterinary Medicine says the virus has…
California vaccine bill stalls; will come back next week    photo
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — A California vaccination bill that has generated intense debates pitting personal rights against public health stalled in the state Senate Wednesday, with lawmakers saying it could unconstitutionally deprive unvaccinated children of an adequate education by barring…
FDA approves new type of heart failure drug from Amgen    photo
TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — Patients with chronic heart failure, a disabling, deadly disease that worsens as the heart gradually pumps less efficiently, are getting a much-needed new option with U.S. approval Wednesday of a novel drug from Amgen Inc. Corlanor is the first medication in a dozen years…
California vaccine bill stalls; will come back next week    photo
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — A California vaccination bill that has generated intense debates pitting personal rights against public health stalled in the state Senate Wednesday, with lawmakers saying it could unconstitutionally deprive unvaccinated children of an adequate education by barring…
Obama says Ebola-fighting goal is to prevent any new cases    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Citing significant gains in fighting the Ebola outbreak in West Africa, President Obama declared Wednesday that the international goal now is to prevent any new cases of the deadly virus in the afflicted region. “We’ve seen major progress,” Obama said during a White House…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

Join my new Facebook group, download the free app for Apple or Android, subscribe to my YouTube channel, sign up or my newsletter, visit my Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and more at www.DailyDoseOfWeirdNews.com! [Theme music provided by Turner Broadcast Music Library and 615 Music.]

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Judicial Watch reports the terrorist organization ISIS has landed in Mexico. According to Charisma News, Juarez is one of the deadliest cities in the world – home to drug cartels, rampant murder and now an Islamic State training ground. Mexican authorities have reportedly uncovered an ISIS training camp in the Mexican city—just 8 miles from El Paso, Texas. Mexican intelligence sources report that ISIS intends to exploit the railways and airport facilities in the vicinity of Santa Teresa, NM.  ***But not to worry, because Obama says the borders are secure, so we’re completely safe.  Right?  Riiiiiight?

 

Police on Wednesday arrested a man who flew his tiny, one-person helicopter onto the West Lawn of the US Capitol. A 60-year-old Florida mailman intent on making a public statement about corruption in Congress flew his aircraft through restricted airspace and landed outside the Capitol. Police have not explained how the aircraft got around security. The area is a no-fly zone. ***I’ll explain… telling someone “this is a no-fly zone” does not mean that there is now magically an invisible force field keeping people from flying there.  It’s kinda like saying our southern border is secure while ISIS has a training camp eight miles from it.

 

An alleged underage drinker apparently avoided a ticket by beating a cop in a game of rock, paper, scissors during a Texas music festival last weekend. In a video, the girl who’d allegedly been drinking won the game by throwing rock while the officer went with scissors. Video of the victory went viral and now the three law enforcement officers on the scene at the time are in hot water.  *** Their union rep plans on throwing rock during their sentencing hearing.

 

An Apple iPad which belonged to Pope Francis fetched $30,500 at auction this week, with proceeds going to a school for the poor in Uruguay. Last year, a Harley-Davidson he had received as a gift fetched $257,681.  ***It’s strange how something changes in value depending on who owned it.  The Pope owns a motorcycle and suddenly it’s worth more a quarter million dollars… while I try to sell my 1999 Ford Taurus and not only does nobody want it, but I have to pay someone to tow it away.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

High school students spend three hours or more on the average school day playing video or computer games or using a computer for something other than school work.  ***Although it can be argued that these kids were simply preparing for the future and will be more ready than the rest of us when the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse finally does take place.

 

Researchers have identified a gene that can cause symptoms of major depression and said it may be possible to use gene therapy to counteract its effects.  ***MARLAR: Yeah… jeans getting too tight on me gives me the blues too.

 

A survey of America’s commuters reveals some interesting facts. Chief among them: many folks text and drive.  ***MARLAR: At least, I think that’s what the story said – it was hard to read it on my phone while driving in this morning.

 

It’s no secret that millions of Americans are sleep-deprived, and being drowsy at the wheel is adding to the dangerous mix of cell phones and texting that drivers face each day.   In a study by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety, 41 percent of drivers admitted that at some point in their lives, they had nodded off at the wheel. Eleven percent said they’d fallen asleep within the past year, and some drivers confessed they had been asleep for more than a minute on a multilane road.  After analyzing the data, researchers say accidents involving sleepy drivers are responsible for significantly more accidents than previously thought.  ***MARLAR: It’s thought that one factor is many young drivers attend public schools and are so uneducated that they think cruise control is the same as autopilot.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Noah’s Mosquitos”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Gordon Douglas, “Weird Stuff”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

Last time, Gruffy Bear was so caught up with his bowling skills during a tournament that he kept canceling his checkers game with Sully. In fact, he’s even waved it off as unimportant and told Sully to play with Nozzles the Elephant instead… Nozzles the elephant?

 

CLOSE: So Gruffy isn’t on the bowling team anymore… but he told Sully to play checkers with Nozzles the Elephant. Looks like breaking promises is catching up to Gruffy. Can he mend his friendship with Sully? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 18/19, 2015
OPEN: When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson learned that, because he ran away to avoid tonsil surgery, that his tonsils got worse and killed him! Other kids also died because they saw Marvy as a hero, and even the entire population of Razzleflabbin Island is now gone because Marvy wasn’t around to keep them from being hit by a giant tidal wave!

 

CLOSE: An entire generation of Snufflesons wiped out because Marvy wouldn’t get his tonsils taken out? What more could possibly go wrong? Tune in next time to find out what happens – as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Today’s Moment of Duh takes place in a bank… but on the TELLERS side of the counter!

Apparently, our inDUHvidual (who’s name has not been released) didn’t see anything strange when Dorothy Livingston opened a new account at the First National Bank of Newport, Pennsylvania with a one million dollar bill! The teller actually opened the account and Dorothy promptly withdrew some of the money and transferred some to her husband’s account. Of course someone higher up the bank food chain finally caught on and Dorothy was promptly arrested. Just in case you still can’t figure out what’s wrong with this story — the largest bill the U.S. has ever made was the $100,000 bill which existed for about three weeks in 1930 and was used only to transfer funds between Federal Reserve banks. Today, any bills over $100 are being withdrawn from public circulation when they are turned into banks.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS RUNNING IS NOT FOR YOU

  1. Excess Ringing in the Ears and Flashing Lights, especially if they’re on an ambulance taking you to the hospital
  2. Constantly being followed by cars with “Wide Load” signs and flashing lights can be distracting.
  3. After completing the NYC Marathon, you submit your cab receipt to your corporate sponsor.
  4. You consider waiting for the bus an extreme sport.
  5. The camera men from the T.V. show COPS can outrun you.
  6. You’ve been at it for 2 weeks and have no idea how to get home.
  7. Your thighs keep rubbing together and setting your underwear on fire.
  8. Your town doesn’t have an ice cream truck you can chase after.
  9. You ran for a block and were so out of breath you thought you busted a lung.
  10. Running? Is that a new video game?

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Not only does crime not pay, it sometimes stinks too!

 

FILE #1: Police who were chasing a man after a traffic stop got an unlikely assist from a skunk, who sprayed the suspect in the face. Kenneth Rideout was nailed after he ran into the woods. He was wanted for violating release conditions stemming from a domestic assault. The skunk didn’t stop Rideout but it slowed him down enough that police officers were able to catch up with him. The cop car reeked of skunk by the time they made it to the police department.

 

FILE #2: Sometimes it pays to be chicken. Harold Harper of Salt Lake City, Utah robbed a KFC restaurant, but couldn’t drive away because he locked his keys inside his car. No problem. He just ran off and eluded authorities by running away. A short while later, while the police were at the restaurant taking the report, somebody noticed that Harper had returned with a coat hanger and was standing by his car trying to get in. He’s now in lock-up, eating the prison’s idea of chicken flavored meat products.

 

FILE #3: A female clown from New York State has been banned from wearing her costume after being convicted of charity theft. Melinda Shipman was recently sentenced to 4 months in jail and was given 5 years probation after she kept $1,600 she’d collected for the family of a child who died from cancer. The woman, also known as Minnow the Clown, was also ordered to give the family the money and to perform community service.

 

STRANGE LAW: In New York, a license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

When the cops stopped by Suzanne Meyers’ Roseville, Mich., home with an arrest warrant, she was at a loss: she didn’t remember being cited for alcohol possession…

… 14 years ago. “I’ve been racking my brain. I don’t even remember this,” she said. “A warrant’s a warrant,” shrugged a police spokesman. “The officer had no way of knowing it happened when she was 16 years old.” A judge threw out the ancient charge, but Meyers still has no idea what it was about. “I have never even had a speeding ticket.”

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What’s the longest time you’ve gone without brushing your teeth?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What were the original names of Abraham and Sarah?

ANSWER: Abram and Sarai (Genesis 17:5, 15)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What day is the middle day of the year-in non-leap years?

ANSWER: July 2. There are 182 before it and 182 after it.

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. Rats are carnivorous. (False – they are omnivorous, eating nearly any type of food, including dead and dying members of their own species.0

 

  1. Crowds of up to 15,000 are common for major badminton tournaments in Malaysia and Indonesia. (True)

 

  1. The name hockey–as the organized game came to be known—has been attributed to the French word for “shepherd’s stick.’ (True – the word is “hoquet” – “shepherd’s stick”)

 

  1. The United States has more donut shops per capita than Canada. (False – other way around)

 

  1. The world’s fastest flying insect is a type of beetle. (False – it’s a species of horsefly, and it can fly as fast as 90 miles per hour)

 

  1. John Milton used only 800 different words in his poem, “Paradise Lost.” (False – 8,000)

 

  1. When a queen ant dies, so does the entire colony. (True, because no new worker ants are born)

 

  1. Nearly one million deaths worldwide are caused by measles each year. (True)

 

  1. Shakespeare introduced mystery fiction’s first fictional detective – August C. Dupin. (False, the author was Edgar Allan Poe, in his 1841 story, “The Murders in the Rue Morgue.”)

 

  1. In the original draft of “Gone With The Wind”, Scarlet O’Hara was named “Pansy O’Hara.” (True. Margaret Mitchell wrote Gone with the Wind between 1926 and 1929. In her early drafts, the main character was named “Pansy O’Hara” and the O’Hara plantation we know as Tara was called “Fountenoy Hall.”)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ DIDN’T DO IT (O.J.)

A private investigator proves that the real  killer of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman was… Jason Simpson, O.J.’s son.

In a new book, ‘OJ is Innocent and I Can Prove It,’ William C. Dear alleges Simpson went on trial, and was acquitted of murder, in an effort to deflect attention from the true killer: His son Jason.

Dear says Simpson was at the crime scene — but not until after his ex-wife and her friend had been stabbed to death.

After a six-year investigation, Dear says he has found circumstantial evidence that links Jason Simpson, 41, to the murders.

The private eye claims he dug through Jason Simpson’s garbage and his abandoned storage locker in search of new evidence, the New York Post reported.

In the search, Dear says he found a hunting knife that forensic experts say is the murder weapon that was never recovered during the police investigation.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

As U.S. tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop waiting for fellow tourists.

An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

“America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.”

“Yes, I am.” said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, “Is he your husband?”

“Yes,” she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered, “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.”

The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, ” She’s not for sale.”

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “Well, obviously, I was totally stunned by his question.  I’ve never in my life been made such a shocking offer as this ridiculously embarrassing proposal.  Besides … how could I possibly get 100 camels back home?”

 

JOKE #2

A boy, who was a witness in court, was asked by a lawyer: “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I thought so! Who was it?”

“My father, sir.”

“And what did he tell you?”

“He said the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, I would be all right.”

 

JOKE #3

Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD

Close, but not close enough. I drove through the following week and found it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read YEILD (with the E and the I reversed).

About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

New research from Vanderbilt University claims that aggression is rewarding to people, just like food & drugs. ***MARLAR: They even reported it through gritted teeth.

 

A new study finds that you can still be a little overweight, perhaps even obese, and still be fit. If you’re not fit, it doesn’t take as much as you might think to get in shape, either. Experts say that 30 minutes of moderate activity at least five days a week can get you out of the hazardous low-fit category.  ***MARLAR: I’m in pretty good shape if “moderate activity” means arm stretches to the bowl of peanut butter cups.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOLFING PREACHER

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.”

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

God smiled. “Think about it — who can he tell?”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

WHERE’S THE BEEF?

Are you a fan of unusual dishes? If so, there’s a place in England that you’ve got to try!

Ever had Indian food? Not native American, mind you… no… Indian. As in “from India”. If so, then you likely know what curry is. But you’ve likely never had cobra, frog, or zebra curry, have you? What about camel, buffalo, kangaroo, ostrich or alligator curry? No? There’s a new restaurant in England where the chef imports these meats especially for his own curry recipes. As weird as it sounds, the customers love it. The chef says the unusual dishes may sound un-appetizing, but once you try them, you’re hooked. You’re most likely broke as well, because the dishes can be as expensive as $100 per serving! ***MARLAR: So, in other words, you’re paying $100 to do something that the thought of makes you sick. Kinda like paying taxes.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

ONE THING

Joseph J. Mazzella

I can remember what a scary time it was after our home burned down when I was a boy. We weren’t sure where we were going to live. We had lost everything in the fire. We didn’t even have any clothes to wear. Thankfully, we were surrounded by caring people. Our church, community, and extended family all rushed to help us. It was such a blessing seeing this outpouring of love. I can remember too during this time the moment that I stopped being afraid.  A woman was bringing some winter coats into the temporary home we were renting. When my Mom thanked her she said, “Honey, that is what we are all here for.” I knew then that everything was going to be alright, because I realized that we are all here to love each other.

Sometimes it amazes me how often we forget this. Life is so simple and yet we make it so complicated. We rush around trying to do a million different things that we think are so important. In the end, though, there is only one thing that matters and that is Love. All of life comes down to this one thing. It is the one thing we are meant to learn. It is the one thing we are meant to do. It is the one thing we are meant to choose. And it is the one thing we are meant to share. It is what life is all about.

If you want to live then you need to love. You need to love God. You need to love yourself. And you need to love others. You need to bring some winter coats to a family in need. You need to cheer up a sick friend. You need to help a neighbor fix up their home. You need to hold a crying child in your arms and comfort them. You need to offer a word of encouragement and kindness to a hurting heart. You need to take the hand of a loved one and let them know just how much you care about them. You need to smile and give your joy to everyone you meet. You need to do the one thing that makes life worth living. It is, after all, what we are all here for.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

I SWEAR!

People in Michigan must be so proud. They’ve got Timothy Boomer, the “cussin’ canoeist.” They’ve got Steven Clevenger, the “cussin’ coach.” And finally, Jeffery Richards, the “school bus cusser.” What state wouldn’t be just glowing with pride to have these citizens?

All three of these “pride and joys” have had press coverage recently because they haven’t yet learned to control their mouths. This is a big deal, not because people in Michigan swear more or less than they do in other places, but it’s just that they have this 103-year-old law about swearing in front of children and they actually enforce it!

Mr. Boomer’s trial began a couple of years ago. The national news anchors joked about the silliness of the judicial proceeding. Obviously, they thought this kind of language (the same foul word used more than 75 times in a few minutes) was so common that it was ridiculous to try to protect the innocent ears of children.

You know… I was taught that using vulgar words reveals a small mind and a tiny vocabulary. That’s pretty obvious when an offensive word is used as a noun, a verb, and an adjective in the same sentence! Some of the Proverbs make a real point of warning us to control our speech. They connect the use of one’s mouth with being a wise person or a fool.

It’s certainly bad enough that we have to listen to that kind of language all around us. But when we hear a Christian use bad language, our hearts (along with our ears) especially hurt! As believers, we would all hope that no “unwholesome talk” would ever come out of our mouths (Ephesians 4:29). But does it ever come into our minds? Luke 6:45 tells us that our words overflow from what is in our hearts. Controlling our thoughts can be tough, especially if we hear bad language all day long at work, in the dorm, at sports events, with friends. That’s why it’s essential to fill our minds with what is good, not with evil.

Obviously, God cares about the words we use and our testimony to others. And what about Timmy, Stevie, and Jeffy–those language offenders in Michigan? Maybe the courts will order their mamas to wash their mouths out with soap!

 

 

LEFTOVERS

STOP BUGGING ME!!!

Upon finding a cockroach in the kitchen, most people would do just about anything to get rid of it. But would you make your house explode…?

…a lady in Los Angeles recently did just that – and almost killed herself in the process. She thought it’d be a great idea to light 30 bug bombs simultaneously. During set up, her furnace lit and caused the big bang to happen throughout her house. The explosion smashed windows and even lifted off her roof! The lady was been treated for first and second degree burns.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

ORGANIZE YOUR FILES

Eileen Roth, author of “Organizing for Dummies,” recommends these quick checklists to get organized. Use W-A-S-T-E to decide whether something’s worth keeping:

  • W — Worthwhile. If the item isn’t worth saving, toss it. If it is, move on to the next four questions.
  • A — Again. Will you use this item more than once?
  • S — Somewhere else. Can you find it somewhere else or borrow it if you need it?
  • T — Toss. Will anything happen if you throw it out? If you need it for tax or legal reasons, for example, keep it.
  • E — Entire. Do you need the whole thing, the complete catalog, for example, when you only want to order from one page? If not, keep what you need and toss the rest.

Use R-E-M-O-V-E to clear off your desk:

  • R — Reduce all the distractions on your desktop, such as knickknacks or this morning’s mail. Put them on top of a file cabinet or bookcase instead.
  • E — Everyday use. Only keep things you use often on top of your desk.
  • M — Move items to the preferred side, whether you’re a “righty” or “lefty.” Put the phones, pens, pencils and pads within easy reach. Put the telephone on the opposite side so you can write with your preferred hand.
  • O — Organize like items together so you can find them easily.
  • V — View your time. Keep an organizer and clock on your desk.
  • E — Empty the center. Clear off space in the middle of your desk so you can work on the project at hand.

Use R-A-P-I-D Response to sort mail and create stacks for each category:

  • R — Read. Magazines, newsletters, etc.
  • A — Attend. Notices and invitations for seminars, workshops, meetings.
  • P — Pay. Bills.
  • I — Important. All unknown incoming mail that needs sorting.
  • D — Dump. Mail you know you won’t read or need.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

SCRATCH AND SNIFF BILL PAYING

As many bills as we have to pay every month, wouldn’t it be great if we could at least enjoy licking the stamps? That’s what Switzerland thinks – and it’s doing something about it.

The Swiss have a new stamp. If you had to choose a scent for a Swiss postage stamp what would you choose? Nope, it’s not cheese. Try again. That’s right… chocolate! In fact, the stamp looks like a square of chocolate on an open foil wrapper. The chocolate scent is sealed in tiny capsules in the stamp, all one has to do is rub the stamp lightly to release it. ***MARLAR: That’s right – it’s a scratch and sniff. And at only half a calorie per stamp, you can afford to lick all day while paying your bills and not have it go directly to your hips.

 

 

FUN LIST

WAYS TO TELL YOU HAVE A BAD HAIRDRESSER

  • Autographed picture of “Mr Clean.”
  • He’s drinking the blue stuff the combs are soaking in.
  • The wall is lined with different sized soup bowls.
  • Since leaving the salon, five people have called you “Kramer.”
  • Don King walks up to you and says, “Dude, who screwed up your hair?!?”

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.

Wise Guy

Once upon a time there was a worker who was unhappy with his lot in life. Specifically, his job. It seemed like he had hit his advancement ceiling. His neighbor was likewise unhappy with his work. He needed something new and invigorating to revitalize his career. Oddly, the neighbor across the street was hurting because someone decided he was no longer a fit for the company. He was unhappy because he was unemployed.
Now, a fourth neighbor on the block wasn’t unhappy with her work at all. As a matter of fact, she was just offered a remarkable opportunity. But she lacked the right information to help her make a wise decision.
All four of these valuable workforce members had something in common. They were ripe for some wise counsel from the very creative, bestselling author Jon Acuff. Actually, they just needed his new book, Do Over.
I had Jon Acuff as a guest on my talk show this past week. It was the very day of his book release. Do Over focuses on how to build a “career savings account.” As Jon sees it, virtually everyone in the work world will face a “Career Bump,” a “Career Jump,” a “Career Ceiling” or a “Career Opportunity.” All of these would benefit greatly from learning key techniques to advancing the next step. It is a good read.
I first came across Jon Acuff as I was looking over his tongue-in-cheek writing on Stuff Christians Like. Jon has a fine sense of humor and is capable of delivering serious material in a not-so-serious way. His presentations fit the same bill.
Acuff was on the team of Dave Ramsey for a few years. Then he made his own career jump. No real warning. No big opporunity waiting. He claims it was just right time for such a move. Apparently, he likes risk. Truth be told, he was still in the throes of having a New York Times bestseller, Start.
I heard Jon deliver an excellent presentation at the weeklong course of Ramsey’s called Entre Leadership. Few speakers have such good command of an audience. His talent has been well groomed.
Certain writers and speakers have a treasured gift of giving others hope and encouragement. The sum of that encouragement often exceeds the technical quality of the message. What I mean by that can be illustrated by my former Sunday School teacher, Zig Ziglar.
Zig was not teaching rocket science. Neither is Jon. Zig was about “folksy” and real life, told in stories. Jon Acuff is a story teller as well. But the impact of the message by both of these message senders is borne out extremely well with audiences. TED talks demonstrate this. They are a form of masterful communication.
Delivering hope and encouragement, with life changing results, requires something else. One must challenge the status quo. People who genuinely want a better life must face both truth and a change of pattern or habits. You can love a new way of thinking but do you love it enough to embrace the changes required … whatever form that takes?
The very best at this was none other than the Creator of all humankind. He is more commonly referred to as Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus and His parables are legendary. His words are still changing lives every single day. Many could not, and cannot, bear up under His revolutionary style.
But who better to follow? After one of His more difficult sessions, this followed: “At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him. Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, ‘Are you also going to leave?’ Simon Peter replied, ‘Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life.’”  (John 6:66-68, NLT)
Are you learning from the wisdom teachers? Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough pull up another TED talk … or read their Bibles. 

As Mr. Miyagi would say: Banzai, Daniel-san! Banzai!

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

You can dramatically reduce your blood pressure reading without spending a dime at the drugstore…

All you need to do is go out and make a friend. Researchers at the University of Utah’s Department of Psychology have discovered that people who had a strong network of friends and were involved in regular social activities had blood pressure readings that were much lower than those who spend most of their time alone.  ***MARLAR: I always thought it was my friends that were causing the high blood pressure!

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.

For many young celebrities, fame came along as soon as they were old enough to carry a tune, walk onto a stage or handle their own musical instrument. For Ann Turner Cook, stardom came much earlier — when she was just 4 months old. You may not recognize that name, but you’ll certainly recognize her face. Cook, now 88, is the original Gerber baby whose bright-eyed image has become iconic at grocery stores around the world and has lasted from generation to generation. Cook’s foray into fame happened in 1928, when Gerber held a contest to find a face for their new advertising campaign. Yet, despite being one of the most recognizable children of all time, Cook hasn’t paid much attention her long-standing modeling gig over the last nine decades. See what she looks like now at http://huff.to/1NaLZdS.

 

Hyundai used 11 Genesis sedans to help a 13-year-old girl from Houston send a message to her father. As part of their “A Message to Space” ad campaign, the company was tasked with using 11 vehicles to send a message to Stephanie’s father. The obstacle? He’s currently on the International Space Station. Hyundai chose the Delamar Dry Lake in Nevada for the 2.14 square-mile “Steph love’s you!” message. The message is also the largest tire track image ever created, as determined by Guinness World Records.  (See pics at: http://ow.ly/LGWiN)

 

Best video of the week? The couple who told no one the gender of their unborn baby. After she was born family and friends learned her gender, either when they visited new mom’s hospital room or on video chat. But that’s not the best part — the new mom and dad actually had TWIN girls. They knew it all along but decided to also keep that little detail a secret.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggXJ5G8JCt8

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I don’t think I’d make a good parent, because I’m the kind of person who lets a kid run with scissors because it develops good hand-eye coordination. –Michele Stone

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 17, 2015…

 

Unfriended—Another film with found footage, the story is about the past year, when a high school student commits suicide from being bullied. A year later, friends (and not so friendly people) are online when someone interrupts and says they will eventually die. What to do? Stars Heather Sossaman. Another working title was “Cyper Natural.” “Unfriended” is rated R. No rating.

 

Monkey Kingdom—This movie is a Disney Nature documentary about a family of Toque Macaque monkeys living in jungles near Laos and have to move when hostile monkeys come along. The mother takes her babies (including one called “Kip”),  to a new location and it is a dangerous journey. “Monkey Kingdom” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for nature fans. Narrator is Tina Fey.

 

Child 44 (opening in select cities)—Based on Tom Rob Smith’s novel of  2008, it has Tom Hardy starring as a Russian police detective who gets involved in a case of murdered children under the Stalin regime. Also in the cast are Noomi Rapace, Vincent Cassel and Joel Kinneman. “Child 44” is rated R. No rating.

 

Paul Blart: Mall Cop—Kevin James co-wrote this film that continues the adventures of his character, Paul Blart, Mall Cop. This time, Paul is doing security in Las Vegas and, of course, gets into many adventures. The first film was a hit. The cast includes Neal McDonaugh, David Henne and Raini Rodriguez. “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of Kevin James.

 

Clouds of Sils Maria (opening in select cities)—This film is really a study of three women working to put on a play by a noted playwright. Juliette Binoche is seen as the lead actress in a younger role and then studying for an older role in the same play, while Kristen Stewart is her assistant and Chloe Grace Morentz is auditioning for the role that Juliette used to play. How gracefully do people age, especially those in front of the spotlight?  “Clouds of Sils Maria” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

True Story—Based on the memoir by newspaperman Michael Finkel, this is the story of convicted murderer Christian Longo, who killed his wife and three children in Oregon, then escaped to Mexico. Finkel was an alias he used. James Franco stars as Longo, with Jonah Hill as Michael Finkel, and Gretchen Moi. “True Story” is rated R. No rating.

 

 

APRIL 24, 2015…

 

Little Boy is a story of a child during WWII who decides he wants to end the war.

 

The Water Diviner has the directing debut of actor Russell Crowe as a farmer in central Europe, trying to find his sons in a war.

 

Infinitely Polar Bear (opening in select cities) is a Mark Ruffalo comedy about married life with children.

 

The Age Of Adaline  is a romance film that stars Blake Lively as a woman who doesn’t age.

 

Ex Machina is a science fiction film about making a robot that is almost human. Stars Domhnall Gleeson.

 

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.