April 17, 2018: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180417
PDF: 20180417

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And a reminder… you must be at least this tall to listen to my show.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only legitimate object of good government.” – Thomas Jefferson

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. — 1 John 5:12

This is why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him. If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. — Romans 13:6-7

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever. Every day I will praise you and extol your name for ever and ever. — Psalm 145:1-2

Thought: The way we praise God forever, the way we honor our pledge to give him glory for all the days of our life, is really pretty simple: we do it today. As long as we praise God today, the forever takes care of itself. So as you commit to lift high the name of God and praise him for all eternity, remember the place it starts: praise God today — not only in the things that you say, but also in the way that you live!

Prayer: Mighty God and loving Father, today I want to tell you how marvelous and wonderful I believe you to be. You are righteous, faithful, holy, and merciful. You are tender, loving, and yet magnificent in glory and incomparable in strength. You have redeemed me from my sin and given me hope beyond my own death. You have filled my life full of good people and have promised me a home with you. You, O God, are without peer and without rival. You are my King, my awesome and majestic Father. In Jesus’ name I praise you, today and forever. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 John 4:17 NIV = In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – APRIL 17, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
251 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is TOOTHBRUSH APPRECIATION DAY, a day to wonder how life would taste without your toothbrush.  *** I’ve decided to give this a try, and this morning I intend to find out if my co-host will notice.

Today is NATIONAL CHEESE BALL DAY. ***I’ve been told not to talk about this day, though. Apparently the boss is getting a bit fed up with the amount of honesty I’ve been using recently when talking about him on the air.

Today is BLAH BLAH BLAH DAY, a day to stop smoking, take out the trash, lose weight, empty the cat litter, get a job, quit a job, or whatever. ***So it’s a day to do whatever it is you need to do, I guess. I’ll be using this day to not talk about our boss being a cheese ball.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Bat Appreciation Day
Blah! Blah! Blah! Day
Ellis Island Family History Day
Ford Mustang Day
Herbalist Day
Income Tax Pay Day
International Haiku Poetry Day
Malbec World Day
National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day
Nothing Like A Dame Day
World Hemophilia Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18

Adult Autism Day
International Amateur Radio Day
International Day for Monuments and Sites
National Columnists’ Day
National Lineman Appreciation Day
Pet Owners Independence Day
World Amateur Radio Day

THURSDAY, APRIL 19

Bicycle Day
Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Action Day
Get to Know Your Customers Day
John Parker Day
National Garlic Day
National Hanging Out Day
National Ask An Atheist Day
National D.A.R.E. Day
National Stress Awareness Day
Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 20

Chinese Language Day
International Cli-Fi Day
National Cheddar Fries Day
National Pot Smokers Day
National Teach Children to Save Day

SATURDAY, APRIL 21

Auctioneers Day
Bulldogs are Beautiful Day
Husband Appreciation Day
Kindergarten Day
National Chocolate-Covered Cashews Day
National Pro-Life T-Shirt Day
National Surprise Drug Test Day
National Yellow Bat Day
Queen’s Birthday (real date)
Record Store Day
Spring Astronomy Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 22

Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day
Earth Day
Girl Scout Leaders Day
Global Selfie Earth Day (NASA)
“In God We Trust Day” Day
Mother Earth Day
National Jelly Bean Day

MONDAY, APRIL 23

English Language Day
English Muffin Day
Impossible Astronaut Day (Dr. Who)
National Lost Dog Awareness Day
Movie Theatre Day
Talk Like Shakespeare Day
World Book & Copyright Day
World Book Night

TUESDAY, APRIL 24

Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day
Sauvignon Blanc Day
New Kids on The Block Day
World Day for Animals in Laboratories
World Meningitis Day

ON THIS DAY

1810: Lewis Norton of Troy, Pennsylvania, patented Pineapple Cheese.

1912: Al Jolson recorded “Ragging the Baby to Sleep” for the Victor Talking Machine Company. Reportedly, the record sold a million copies in two years, the first “unofficial” gold record.

1947: Jackie Robinson got his first hit for the Brooklyn Dodgers when he beat out a bunt.

1950: The wrestling program at Hollywood Stadium was canceled when ten of the wrestlers refused to perform on a televised event. The wrestlers said televising matches would hurt paid attendance.

1953: Facing pitcher Chuck Stobbs, Mickey Mantle hit major-league baseball’s longest regular season home run at Griffith Stadium in Washington, D.C.—565 feet. The ball eventually was found in the backyard of a home a full block away from the stadium. (A minor leaguer, “Dizzy” Carlyle, hit a 618-foot homer in 1929 at Emeryville, California.)

1960: Singer Eddie Cochran died in Bath, England, from severe brain injuries sustained in a car crash near Chippenham. Gene Vincent was seriously injured in the accident.

1964: At the New York World’s Fair, Ford Motor Company introduced the Mustang. Base price was $2,368.

1964: The FBI lab reported that it could not determine the lyrics on the Kingmen’s recording “Louie Louie.”

1967: “The Joey Bishop Show” debuted on ABC-TV late night, opposite Johnny Carson. Joey, announcer Regis Philbin and Johnny Mann’s music lasted just over 2 years, but couldn’t beat Carson.

1970: Paul McCartney released his first solo album, “McCartney.” It included a self-interview that confirmed the Beatles had broken up.

1980: Police in Lansing, Michigan, arrested three adult sisters for running around their neighborhood nude after smearing their bodies with mustard. The ladies said they were looking for the Garden of Eden.

1985: The U.S. Postal Service unveiled its new 22-cent “Love” stamp. Showing the set of TV’s The Love Boat as a backdrop, the stamp became one of the postal service’s biggest sellers.

1987: An armed Easter bunny robbed a store in Manchester, Ohio, and escaped with $655.00. No one was hurt.

1990: A 21-year-old man pleaded no contest to 732 charges of disturbing the peace and driving with a suspended license in Torrance, California. Rather than face 275 years in jail, the man agreed to move away from neighbors who said he drove his Volkswagen across their lawns every day for 366 consecutive days.

2003: A 34-year-old research scientist who’d had too much to drink stumbled home and fell asleep in a house where he had lived seven years earlier. Police were called when a teenager came home to find the intruder asleep in the teenager’s bed in Axbridge, England. Police took the scientist to his own home and did not file charges.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1521: The German Martin Luther was excommunicated from the Roman Catholic Church. The Church’s action was based on Luther’s attacks against the papacy and the sale of indulgences. A practice common at the time, a person’s sins were pardoned through the purchase of an indulgence letter.

1708: Ambrose, Archbishop of Moscow from 1768-1771 is born. In 1771, in the middle of an outbreak of the plague, Ambrose (who is known for his translations of the Hebrew psalter and some Greek and Latin fathers) was martyred by a mob when he removed an icon from the church to prevent the spread of infection.

1937: With Mussolini’s troops occupying Ethiopia, Sudan Interior Mission missionaries who had started a small church among the previously devil-worshiping Wallamo tribe are forced to leave the country. “We knew God was faithful,” one missionary wrote. “But still we wondered—if we ever come back, what will we find?” The missionaries returned in July 1943 to find that, despite severe persecution by Italian soldiers, the Christian community had grown from 48 members to 18,000.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

actress (The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo) Rooney Mara, 33

actress (“Alias”, Elektra, Daredevil, 13 Going on 30) Jennifer Garner is 46 (audio clip)

actor (Lord of the Rings) Sean Bean, 59

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1882 : Artur Schnabel

1934 : Don Kirschner

1936 : Tony Bellus

1940 : Billy Fury

1943 : Roy Estrada (Captain Beefheart, Mothers of Invention, Little Feat)

1944 : Bobby Curtola

1948 : Jan Hammer

1954 : Michael Sembello

1955 : Pete Shelley (The Buzzcocks)

1964 : James Keenan (Tool)

1967 : Liz Phair

1970 : Redman

1974 : Victoria Adams (The Spice Girls)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why is there no channel one on broadcast TV?

You just can’t count on broadcast TV to count. When the rest of the world begins counting things with the number one, our TVs begin counting with the number two. That’s because there is only a limited amount of broadcast bandwidth to go around. The part that would be used by channel one was long ago allocated to mobile radios… a.k.a. CB Radios. So, in reality, channel one is being used to warn people that there’s a cop up ahead.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Ford has designed a baby crib that simulates a car ride. ***That’s great for the baby – but what about Mom and Dad? How about a Ford vehicle that simulates an adult crib so we can get some shuteye on the way to work?

A California man pulled out a BB gun and shot at a restaurant he’d just left because they wouldn’t sell him curly fries. Why?  Because the restaurant doesn’t serve curly fries.

In the UK a woman reported the theft of her small sedan from its parking spot. Less than four hours later the car’s owner recognized her vehicle being driven in a funeral procession. She called police, who stopped the car and arrested the thief, who was a distant relative of the deceased. ***A car thief who values family.  That gives you the warm and fuzzies, doesn’t it?

Police in Sweden arrested a man who was using a vacuum cleaner to suck coins out of city-owned parking meters. He used a set of stolen keys to open the meter and the vacuum cleaner to clean out the meter because the space was too small to stick his hand into.  ***This is what happens when politicians campaign on the idea of “Change”.

After three days, animal rescuers in Britain were finally able to get a stranded cat out of a 60-foot tree. Shortly after the kitty was brought back to earth it ran up another tree. True story.

Russian TV was telling viewers the other day to pack essentials for the upcoming World War III.  ***Meanwhile, the United States is telling all of its viewers that “Roseanne” is the number one hit comedy show on television!

The Seahawks had plans to bring in Colin Kaepernick for a workout as they search for a backup quarterback for Russell Wilson, but postponed the meeting when he said he would not promise to stop kneeling during the national anthem if he were to play next season.  ***So apparently “getting a job” is not at the top of Colin’s “to do” list.

As Khloe Kardashian’s due date approaches, not just rumors-but also video evidence-of her baby daddy, Tristan Thompson, cheating on her, have surfaced.  ***But so far there is absolutely no evidence that she was cheated on by Donald Trump.

Khloe Kardashian is producing a new true-crime TV show called “Twisted Sisters.”  ***Couldn’t that just as easily be the new title of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”?

Magician David Copperfield is testifying in a multimillion-dollar injury case filed by an audience member who was left brain damaged by a Las Vegas trick that went wrong. Cox was plucked from the audience for Copperfield’s disappearing act – but when assistants hustled him through a darkened, secret passageway he tripped and fell on construction debris, slamming his head into the floor. He suffered a traumatic brain injury, had two fusion surgeries on his neck and shoulder surgery.  ***At which point David Copperfield exclaimed, “Ta daaaa!”

Former house speaker John Boehner has joined the advisory board of a Marijuana company.  ***Wouldn’t working for a bunch of potheads only increase the chances of them mispronouncing his last name as “Boner”?

DJ Khaled is getting heat for posting a Snapchat video of himself pouring Belaire sparkling wine and Ciroc vodka over his Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal.  ***That is pretty insane.  Wine and vodka go much better with Cocoa Puffs.

Will Ferrell says he’s unhurt and very grateful to be after last week’s car accident. ***Apparently all those years of awful SNL skits and terrible movies finally paid off with his being able to crash and burn and still somehow have a career.

Now there’s a Taylor Swift fan who says he robbed a bank to impress her.  ***Which of course is stupid, because Taylor can BUY any bank she wants.

Oakland catcher Bruce Maxwell who knelt during the National Anthem has been arrested on gun charges.  ***So apparently he believes in both the first AND second amendments!

In Pulaski County, Kentucky, deputies say 36-year-old Kenneth Gill went to a home on Holiness Church Road in the Tateville community and stood in the road spinning nunchucks. According to an arrest citation, Gill tried to get a 15-year-old boy to “come down into the road and fight him.” Gill then stepped onto the property, saying he was the owner and had a right to because he was a Kentucky State Trooper, before leaving the area. After a lengthy search, deputies say a neighbor found Gill under a porch. While being arrested, Gill told deputies that he was an FBI agent, and had to be forced into a patrol car. He’s been charged with impersonating a peace officer, resisting arrest, carrying a concealed weapon, disorderly conduct (2nd degree), wanton endangerment (2nd degree), terroristic threatening (3rd degree) and criminal trespassing (3rd degree).  ***Hey, if you’re going to be a moron, you may as well be a COMPLETE moron and go full-throttle with it.

A woman declined to sing the National Anthem at a minor league baseball game in Nevada because she couldn’t wear her gun.  ***Gee… of only somebody else, anybody else in the entire stadium without a gun who knew the words to the “Star Spangled Banner”…

R. Lee Ermey, famous for his portrayal of Gunnery Sgt. Hartman in the 1987 film Full Metal Jacket, has died at age 74.  ***I fully expect to hear news that he verbally dressed-down his own undertaker and during the funeral called his pallbearers “maggots”.

CBS News accidentally published Barbara Bush’s obituary Sunday on their website. It was yanked off after a couple of hours.  ***Yep.  That’s how excited the mainstream media is to report the death of a Bush.

Meghan Markle secretly flew back into the U.S. last week to begin the paperwork needed to become a citizen of the U.K. ***At which point half of Hollywood exclaimed, “What – we can do that?!?!  Can we go with you?!?!?!”

Amy Schumer has parted ways with her manager because she used to date the man that is now her husband.  ***Yeah – that could be a complete train wreck.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he feels “good, not great” as he recovers from heart surgery.  ***Ex-wife Maria Shriver was interviewed shortly after the heart surgery and was quoted as saying, “I’m just surprised to find out that he had one.”

A tape has resurfaced on YouTube with Hillary Clinton saying during a speech that she hasn’t driven a car since 1996.  ***No wonder she lost the election – she didn’t have the drive!

In Defuniak Springs, Florida, 24-year-old Aaron Keith Clark learned real quick that taunting deputies while on your four-wheeler with a beer in your hand is a really bad idea. Deputies had attempted a traffic stop on three four wheelers for driving on a county maintained road. Two of the four wheelers stopped while a third fled from the scene. That was Mr. Clark who later returned to the traffic stop and began taunting the deputy and driving in circles in the middle of the road shouting “Come and get me!” The four-wheeler accelerated rapidly toward the front of a patrol car and swerved around it. Clark was also seen holding a beer can in his left hand and yelling as he went by. Ultimately, deputies arrested Clark at his residence and he was taken into custody. He told deputies he did not remember the incident due to being intoxicated. He also apologized. He’s charged with fleeing and attempting to elude and reckless driving. ***And if you can be charged for being a redneck, he’d get life in prison.

Believe it or not, there’s now a book that identifies which animals fart.  ***I smell a best seller!

A Phoenix mom is being accused of using a taser to get her son going on Easter Sunday so they’d get to church on time.  ***Some kids are harder to wake up than others.

Apparently, the Tide Pod fad is fading. Now, it’s on to condom snorting.  ***All you parents must be so proud.

Ireland will be opening its first-ever nude beach this month.  ***Do you think those moons will also be yellow like the ones in Lucky Charms?

Hillary Clinton was reportedly paid $7,000 less than Snooki to speak at Rutgers.  ***Because losing the Presidential election wasn’t embarrassing enough.

Lindsay Lohan has lost a lawsuit against “Grand Theft Auto V” where she claims her image was used without her permission.  ***To recap – a game called grand theft did not commit grand theft.

A New York judge is being accused of breaking into a neighbor’s home and stealing underwear.  ***So it is confirmed – judges DO wear something under that robe.

A Kentucky couple, Harold Holland and Lillian Barnes-got divorced nearly 50 years ago. They got remarried on April 14. ***It took them fifty years to cool-off from the initial argument.

A 24-year-old in China faces multiple charges after he crashed his vehicle into a roadside wall around 10:30 PM. He suffered minor injuries and was taken to a hospital. But instead of seeing a doctor, the man helped himself to an ambulance while no one was looking. He didn’t get far — crashing the ambulance while still on hospital property.  ***Obviously a rotten driver – which is how this whole story got started with him crashing into a wall.

Jimmy Kimmel is spending a lot of his time apologizing lately. For mocking Melania Trump’s accent and to FOX commentator Sean Hannity.  ***Don’t worry though – he doesn’t mean a word of it.

“Black Panther” has passed “Titanic” at number three on the all-time box office list.  ***Plus it doesn’t have an annoying Celine Dion song, so it’s even more awesome.

In Russia, a 27-year-old woman was embalmed alive when doctors accidentally put her on a formaldehyde-based drip instead of saline during a surgery.  ***YIKES!  I don’t think “Die young and leave a good looking corpse” was intended as a mandate.

A false alarm gave a small town in Norway a scare, as the sirens made everyone think for a while they were being invaded by Russia.  ***But then they realized they were being invaded by the Women’s Walk and they were even more terrified.

According to a new survey, Russian President Putin has an 80% approval rating. ***The remaining 20% couldn’t be interviewed as they were either dead or in prison.

A study shows a surprising number of women are not comfortable in the nude — even in front of their own husbands. According to the study, one out of three women just say “no” to their birthday suit if their partner is in the room. Seventy-nine percent of women admitted to reservations about showering or changing in front of other women in a locker room.  And men? Being naked isn’t as big a deal. According to the survey, guys are strutting around naked almost twice as much as their female counterparts in any given day. ***Well yeah – have you seen this gorgeous hunk of dude, that I am?  Of COURSE I’m struttin’ my stuff!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Is the Internet keeping your family apart? A recent study says families in the U.S. are spending less time together. And while the study by the Annenberg Center for the Digital Future doesn’t place the blame on the Internet, it does note that the decline in family time does coincide with a rise in Internet use and the popularity of social networks. ***However, they have noticed a dramatic increase of people texting family members in the other room.

In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. ***Now you know where the diminishing bee population has gone to… they’ve all been drafted into Major League Soccer.

Facebook and Twitter are more tempting than cigarettes and sex. Researchers at the University of Chicago discovered through an online poll that the urge to interact through tweets and comments was stronger than sex and cigs. In fact, researchers concluded that social networking was the hardest desire to resist. ***Well, at least it’s a lot cheaper.

A recent study reveals 15% of adults in the U.S. don’t use the Internet or email — at all. Some don’t use the Internet because they find it confusing or too hard, but 3.3 million simply have no interest. ***It’s also hard to keep up with the new technology for adults. Like this morning – I spent 45-minutes trying to shave with my electric razor only to discover it was a wireless mouse.

A recent study reveals that almost one third of American workers are too smart for their jobs. Too many people study the arts in college rather than business and science, which is more in demand by employers. As a result, these art majors end up in lower level jobs for which they are over-educated (kind of like being a DJ on the radio!). ***I can hear it now… “Okay, that’s a Big Mac and a Super-Sized Pibb. Would you like fries with that? Also, what’s your opinion of Picasso’s blue period? Please drive around.”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the animals were scared senseless – to the point of selling all of their possessions and wanting to move – all because of a mysterious giant-footed monster that’s been leaving footprints in the jungle! But Sully had an idea… maybe it’s all a big joke!

CLOSE: If this keeps up, we’re never going to find out where those giant footprints came from! I can’t believe all of the jungle animals are such cowards! But then, I don’t have to deal with mysterious, giant footprints suddenly appearing in my yard! Tune in for more of our story next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Today’s Moment of Duh takes place in a bank… but on the TELLERS side of the counter!

Apparently, our inDUHvidual (who’s name has not been released) didn’t see anything strange when Dorothy Livingston opened a new account at the First National Bank of Newport, Pennsylvania with a one million dollar bill! The teller actually opened the account and Dorothy promptly withdrew some of the money and transferred some to her husband’s account. Of course someone higher up the bank food chain finally caught on and Dorothy was promptly arrested. Just in case you still can’t figure out what’s wrong with this story — the largest bill the U.S. has ever made was the $100,000 bill which existed for about three weeks in 1930 and was used only to transfer funds between Federal Reserve banks. Today, any bills over $100 are being withdrawn from public circulation when they are turned into banks.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS RUNNING IS NOT FOR YOU

10. Excess Ringing in the Ears and Flashing Lights, especially if they’re on an ambulance taking you to the hospital

9. Constantly being followed by cars with “Wide Load” signs and flashing lights can be distracting.

8. After completing the NYC Marathon, you submit your cab receipt to your corporate sponsor.

7. You consider waiting for the bus an extreme sport.

6. The camera men from the T.V. show COPS can outrun you.

5. You’ve been at it for 2 weeks and have no idea how to get home.

4. Your thighs keep rubbing together and setting your underwear on fire.

3. Your town doesn’t have an ice cream truck you can chase after.

2. You ran for a block and were so out of breath you thought you busted a lung.

1. Running? Is that a new video game?

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Not only does crime not pay, it sometimes stinks too!

FILE #1: Police who were chasing a man after a traffic stop got an unlikely assist from a skunk, who sprayed the suspect in the face. Kenneth Rideout was nailed after he ran into the woods. He was wanted for violating release conditions stemming from a domestic assault. The skunk didn’t stop Rideout but it slowed him down enough that police officers were able to catch up with him. The cop car reeked of skunk by the time they made it to the police department.

FILE #2: Sometimes it pays to be chicken. Harold Harper of Salt Lake City, Utah robbed a KFC restaurant, but couldn’t drive away because he locked his keys inside his car. No problem. He just ran off and eluded authorities by running away. A short while later, while the police were at the restaurant taking the report, somebody noticed that Harper had returned with a coat hanger and was standing by his car trying to get in. He’s now in lock-up, eating the prison’s idea of chicken flavored meat products.

FILE #3: A female clown from New York State has been banned from wearing her costume after being convicted of charity theft. Melinda Shipman was recently sentenced to 4 months in jail and was given 5 years probation after she kept $1,600 she’d collected for the family of a child who died from cancer. The woman, also known as Minnow the Clown, was also ordered to give the family the money and to perform community service.

STRANGE LAW: In New York, a license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

When the cops stopped by Suzanne Meyers’ Roseville, Mich., home with an arrest warrant, she was at a loss: she didn’t remember being cited for alcohol possession…

… 14 years ago. “I’ve been racking my brain. I don’t even remember this,” she said. “A warrant’s a warrant,” shrugged a police spokesman. “The officer had no way of knowing it happened when she was 16 years old.” A judge threw out the ancient charge, but Meyers still has no idea what it was about. “I have never even had a speeding ticket.”

PHONER PHUN

What’s the longest time you’ve gone without brushing your teeth?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What were the original names of Abraham and Sarah?

ANSWER: Abram and Sarai (Genesis 17:5, 15)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What day is the middle day of the year-in non-leap years?

ANSWER: July 2. There are 182 before it and 182 after it.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Rats are carnivorous. (False – they are omnivorous, eating nearly any type of food, including dead and dying members of their own species.)

2. Crowds of up to 15,000 are common for major badminton tournaments in Malaysia and Indonesia. (True)

3. The name hockey–as the organized game came to be known—has been attributed to the French word for “shepherd’s stick.’ (True – the word is “hoquet” – “shepherd’s stick”)

4. The United States has more donut shops per capita than Canada. (False – other way around)

5. The world’s fastest flying insect is a type of beetle. (False – it’s a species of horsefly, and it can fly as fast as 90 miles per hour)

6. John Milton used only 800 different words in his poem, “Paradise Lost.” (False – 8,000)

7. When a queen ant dies, so does the entire colony. (True, because no new worker ants are born)

8. Nearly one million deaths worldwide are caused by measles each year. (True)

9. Shakespeare introduced mystery fiction’s first fictional detective – August C. Dupin. (False, the author was Edgar Allan Poe, in his 1841 story, “The Murders in the Rue Morgue.”)

10. In the original draft of “Gone With The Wind”, Scarlet O’Hara was named “Pansy O’Hara.” (True. Margaret Mitchell wrote Gone with the Wind between 1926 and 1929. In her early drafts, the main character was named “Pansy O’Hara” and the O’Hara plantation we know as Tara was called “Fountenoy Hall.”)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Adulting Classes Now All the Rage with _______” (Milennials)

Classes teaching basic life skills like folding sheets, changing a tire and cooking dinner are popping up everywhere. Hey – if you’re lame parents don’t teach you, then…

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

As U.S. tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop waiting for fellow tourists.

An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

“America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.”

“Yes, I am.” said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, “Is he your husband?”

“Yes,” she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered, “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.”

The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, ” She’s not for sale.”

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “Well, obviously, I was totally stunned by his question.  I’ve never in my life been made such a shocking offer as this ridiculously embarrassing proposal.  Besides … how could I possibly get 100 camels back home?”

JOKE #2

A boy, who was a witness in court, was asked by a lawyer: “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I thought so! Who was it?”

“My father, sir.”

“And what did he tell you?”

“He said the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, I would be all right.”

JOKE #3

Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD

Close, but not close enough. I drove through the following week and found it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read YEILD (with the E and the I reversed).

About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.

USELESS FACTS

Research from Vanderbilt University claims that aggression is rewarding to people, just like food & drugs. ***They even reported it through gritted teeth.

A recent study finds that you can still be a little overweight, perhaps even obese, and still be fit. If you’re not fit, it doesn’t take as much as you might think to get in shape, either. Experts say that 30 minutes of moderate activity at least five days a week can get you out of the hazardous low-fit category.  ***I’m in pretty good shape if “moderate activity” means arm stretches to the bowl of peanut butter cups.

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOLFING PREACHER

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.”

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

God smiled. “Think about it — who can he tell?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

WHERE’S THE BEEF?

Are you a fan of unusual dishes? If so, there’s a place in England that you’ve got to try!

Ever had Indian food? Not native American, mind you… no… Indian. As in “from India”. If so, then you likely know what curry is. But you’ve likely never had cobra, frog, or zebra curry, have you? What about camel, buffalo, kangaroo, ostrich or alligator curry? No? There’s a new restaurant in England where the chef imports these meats especially for his own curry recipes. As weird as it sounds, the customers love it. The chef says the unusual dishes may sound un-appetizing, but once you try them, you’re hooked. You’re most likely broke as well, because the dishes can be as expensive as $100 per serving! ***MARLAR: So, in other words, you’re paying $100 to do something that the thought of makes you sick. Kinda like paying taxes.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

ONE THING

Joseph J. Mazzella

 I can remember what a scary time it was after our home burned down when I was a boy. We weren’t sure where we were going to live. We had lost everything in the fire. We didn’t even have any clothes to wear. Thankfully, we were surrounded by caring people. Our church, community, and extended family all rushed to help us. It was such a blessing seeing this outpouring of love. I can remember too during this time the moment that I stopped being afraid.  A woman was bringing some winter coats into the temporary home we were renting. When my Mom thanked her she said, “Honey, that is what we are all here for.” I knew then that everything was going to be alright, because I realized that we are all here to love each other.

Sometimes it amazes me how often we forget this. Life is so simple and yet we make it so complicated. We rush around trying to do a million different things that we think are so important. In the end, though, there is only one thing that matters and that is Love. All of life comes down to this one thing. It is the one thing we are meant to learn. It is the one thing we are meant to do. It is the one thing we are meant to choose. And it is the one thing we are meant to share. It is what life is all about.

If you want to live then you need to love. You need to love God. You need to love yourself. And you need to love others. You need to bring some winter coats to a family in need. You need to cheer up a sick friend. You need to help a neighbor fix up their home. You need to hold a crying child in your arms and comfort them. You need to offer a word of encouragement and kindness to a hurting heart. You need to take the hand of a loved one and let them know just how much you care about them. You need to smile and give your joy to everyone you meet. You need to do the one thing that makes life worth living. It is, after all, what we are all here for.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

I SWEAR!

People in Michigan must be so proud. They’ve got Timothy Boomer, the “cussin’ canoeist.” They’ve got Steven Clevenger, the “cussin’ coach.” And finally, Jeffery Richards, the “school bus cusser.” What state wouldn’t be just glowing with pride to have these citizens?

All three of these “pride and joys” have had press coverage recently because they haven’t yet learned to control their mouths. This is a big deal, not because people in Michigan swear more or less than they do in other places, but it’s just that they have this 103-year-old law about swearing in front of children and they actually enforce it!

Mr. Boomer’s trial began a couple of years ago. The national news anchors joked about the silliness of the judicial proceeding. Obviously, they thought this kind of language (the same foul word used more than 75 times in a few minutes) was so common that it was ridiculous to try to protect the innocent ears of children.

You know… I was taught that using vulgar words reveals a small mind and a tiny vocabulary. That’s pretty obvious when an offensive word is used as a noun, a verb, and an adjective in the same sentence! Some of the Proverbs make a real point of warning us to control our speech. They connect the use of one’s mouth with being a wise person or a fool.

It’s certainly bad enough that we have to listen to that kind of language all around us. But when we hear a Christian use bad language, our hearts (along with our ears) especially hurt! As believers, we would all hope that no “unwholesome talk” would ever come out of our mouths (Ephesians 4:29). But does it ever come into our minds? Luke 6:45 tells us that our words overflow from what is in our hearts. Controlling our thoughts can be tough, especially if we hear bad language all day long at work, in the dorm, at sports events, with friends. That’s why it’s essential to fill our minds with what is good, not with evil.

Obviously, God cares about the words we use and our testimony to others. And what about Timmy, Stevie, and Jeffy–those language offenders in Michigan? Maybe the courts will order their mamas to wash their mouths out with soap!

LEFTOVERS

STOP BUGGING ME!!!

Upon finding a cockroach in the kitchen, most people would do just about anything to get rid of it. But would you make your house explode…?

…a lady in Los Angeles recently did just that – and almost killed herself in the process. She thought it’d be a great idea to light 30 bug bombs simultaneously. During set up, her furnace lit and caused the big bang to happen throughout her house. The explosion smashed windows and even lifted off her roof! The lady was been treated for first and second degree burns.

LIFE… LIVE IT

ORGANIZE YOUR FILES

Eileen Roth, author of “Organizing for Dummies,” recommends these quick checklists to get organized. Use W-A-S-T-E to decide whether something’s worth keeping:

  • W — Worthwhile. If the item isn’t worth saving, toss it. If it is, move on to the next four questions.

  • A — Again. Will you use this item more than once?

  • S — Somewhere else. Can you find it somewhere else or borrow it if you need it?

  • T — Toss. Will anything happen if you throw it out? If you need it for tax or legal reasons, for example, keep it.

  • E — Entire. Do you need the whole thing, the complete catalog, for example, when you only want to order from one page? If not, keep what you need and toss the rest.

Use R-E-M-O-V-E to clear off your desk:

  • R — Reduce all the distractions on your desktop, such as knickknacks or this morning’s mail. Put them on top of a file cabinet or bookcase instead.

  • E — Everyday use. Only keep things you use often on top of your desk.

  • M — Move items to the preferred side, whether you’re a “righty” or “lefty.” Put the phones, pens, pencils and pads within easy reach. Put the telephone on the opposite side so you can write with your preferred hand.

  • O — Organize like items together so you can find them easily.

  • V — View your time. Keep an organizer and clock on your desk.

  • E — Empty the center. Clear off space in the middle of your desk so you can work on the project at hand.

Use R-A-P-I-D Response to sort mail and create stacks for each category:

  • R — Read. Magazines, newsletters, etc.

  • A — Attend. Notices and invitations for seminars, workshops, meetings.

  • P — Pay. Bills.

  • I — Important. All unknown incoming mail that needs sorting.

  • D — Dump. Mail you know you won’t read or need.

JUST FOR FUN

SCRATCH AND SNIFF BILL PAYING

As many bills as we have to pay every month, wouldn’t it be great if we could at least enjoy licking the stamps? That’s what Switzerland thinks – and it’s doing something about it.

The Swiss have a new stamp. If you had to choose a scent for a Swiss postage stamp what would you choose? Nope, it’s not cheese. Try again. That’s right… chocolate! In fact, the stamp looks like a square of chocolate on an open foil wrapper. The chocolate scent is sealed in tiny capsules in the stamp, all one has to do is rub the stamp lightly to release it. ***MARLAR: That’s right – it’s a scratch and sniff. And at only half a calorie per stamp, you can afford to lick all day while paying your bills and not have it go directly to your hips.

FUN LIST

WAYS TO TELL YOU HAVE A BAD HAIRDRESSER

  • Autographed picture of “Mr Clean.”

  • He’s drinking the blue stuff the combs are soaking in.

  • The wall is lined with different sized soup bowls.

  • Since leaving the salon, five people have called you “Kramer.”

  • Don King walks up to you and says, “Dude, who screwed up your hair?!?”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

You can dramatically reduce your blood pressure reading without spending a dime at the drugstore…

All you need to do is go out and make a friend. Researchers at the University of Utah’s Department of Psychology have discovered that people who had a strong network of friends and were involved in regular social activities had blood pressure readings that were much lower than those who spend most of their time alone.  ***MARLAR: I always thought it was my friends that were causing the high blood pressure!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Drinking two cups of hot chocolate a day could help preserve your memory and keep your thinking skills sharp, according to researchers from Harvard Medical School in Boston, Massachusetts. Of the 60 participants, 18 had impaired blood flow to the brain at the start of the study. Those people had an 8.3 percent improvement in the blood flow to the working areas of the brain by the end of the study, while there was no improvement for those who started out with regular blood flow. The people with impaired blood flow also improved their times on a test of working memory, with scores dropping from 167 seconds at the beginning of the study to 116 seconds at the end. There was no change in times for people with regular blood flow. Half of the study participants received hot cocoa that was rich in the antioxidant flavanol, while the other half received flavanol-poor hot cocoa. There were no differences between the two groups in the results.

The most pleasing diet success secret ever: Fill up on healthy foods you actually like. When men and women focused on consuming good for you eats they enjoyed, they were more likely to reach their health goals than those who concentrated on avoiding beloved “bad” foods, found a new study in Psychology and Marketing. Concentrating on what you can eat and can eat more of is a better long-term strategy than dwelling on forbidden fare, which only leads to junk food cravings, says study co-author Meredith David, PhD, assistant professor of marketing at Baylor University in Waco, Texas. “When we tell ourselves we can’t eat certain things, we’re unintentionally setting ourselves up for a more difficult path to success,” she explains. (Health)

Ladies, you get mad at him. So you stop talking to him to punish him. If you’re familiar with “the silent treatment” — either as the instigator or the receiver — you are not alone. It is the most common pattern of conflict in relationships, and it causes the most damage. Silence may be golden, but the silent treatment can ruin a relationship, according to Paul Schrodt, a professor of communication studies at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth. He arrived at this conclusion after leading a team in a meta-analysis of 74 studies that included more than 14,000 participants. The research showed that couples who engage in the demand-withdraw pattern do experience lower relationship satisfaction, less intimacy and poorer communication. And the damage can be not only emotional with feelings of anxiety and aggression, but also physical with such symptoms as urinary, bowel or erectile dysfunction. The takeaway: Start talking through your problems instead of maintaining a haughty silence.

If you want to sleep better at night, then change your diet. People who eat less fiber and more saturated fat and sugar are far more likely to experience lighter, less restorative and more disruptive sleep, according to researchers from Columbia University Medical Center in New York City. And the opposite is also true. Those whose diets have a greater amount of fiber, higher protein and less saturated fat and sugar, are able to fall asleep faster and spend more time in the stage of deep, slow wave sleep. Specifically, saturated fat is responsible for less slow wave sleep, while sugar is associated with more arousals from sleep. The study’s most astonishing finding: A single day of greater fat intake and lower fiber is enough to disrupt sleep that night.

Do you wash your coffee mug each day at the office?  Stop!  You’re probably better off never washing your mug at all!  Officials now say it’s fine to never wash your coffee mug, as long as you’re not sharing it with anybody else. Infectious-disease expert Jeffrey Starke said the vast majority of germs in the cup came from the person who used the cup. Even if you drink from it while sick, it’s pretty hard to re-infect yourself with the same mug; most viruses don’t live long outside the body. In the article originally posted in the Wall Street Journal Starke said just leaving your mug unwashed may be a safer bet than the alternative: scrubbing it with the communal sponge in the office kitchen. He added “The sponge in the break room probably has the highest bacteria count of anything in the office.” Starke said.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(Good News Network) It has been called one of the “top ten recoveries of all time”—and the actual timing of this resurrection involving a two-year-old boy became a miracle to those who witnessed it.  Dylan Askin was first rushed to the hospital from his home in Shelton Lock, England at Christmas in 2015. Not only had one of his lungs entirely collapsed, but 80% of the surface area was covered in cysts.  The toddler was diagnosed with pulmonary Langerhans cell histiocytosis, an extremely rare form of lung cancer that affects only one-in-ten-million people.  As the boy continued to fight the disease, he developed bacterial pneumonia and fell into a coma.  Three months later, Dylan’s parents became resigned to their son’s passing when doctors at Queens Medical Hospital told them his condition was not looking good at all. Heartbroken, they agreed to take him off life-support systems on the holy day known to Christians as Good Friday.  “They told us things were looking bleak and that we weren’t going to get him back,” Dylan’s mother Kerry told the Daily Mail. “All the settings on all the machines were at their highest and he was still struggling. We had him christened, all his family came from all over to say goodbye, including his big brother.”  Just as Dylan was about to be let go, however, his heart rate returned to normal and his parents immediately told the doctors to wait. Their resilient youngster was not giving up yet.  During the next two days, the boy had recovered so much that he was sent home on Easter Sunday.  Now, at four years old, Dylan’s family announced this week that he had beaten the cancer entirely and made a full recovery in what his parents and doctors called, “an Easter miracle”.  “I am not massively religious, but I did think it was a miracle,” says Kerry. “When we told our eldest son, he said ‘he’s like Jesus’—rising from the dead.” (Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=PmlNVb1LhF0)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(From 2006) If you can believe this, four families met with severe tragedy after an out-of-control tractor-trailer crash on the New Jersey Turnpike back in 2006 killed four people — one from each family. In the ultimate insult to injury, the New Jersey Turnpike Authority actually filed a lawsuit demanding payment from the families of those killed– presumably to recoup clean-up costs and damage to the roadway. However, after a New York Post reporter asked New Jersey Turnpike Authority attorney William Ziff for a comment, he rushed to the Union County courthouse and withdrew the lawsuit.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I don’t think I’d make a good parent, because I’m the kind of person who lets a kid run with scissors because it develops good hand-eye coordination. –Michele Stone

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


APRIL 13, 2018…

Beirut (opening in select cities)—This is a political drama/thriller starring Jon Hamm. He portrays a former diplomat who is called into action to save a friend from assassins. Also in the cast are Rosamund Pike (“Hostiles”) and Dean Norris. “Beirut” is rated R. No rating.

Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero—This is a true story, partially computer generated.  Stubby began as a homeless Boston terrier, who was found by a young man going off to WWI. Logan Lerman plays the man who becomes quite fond of Stubby and before you know it, Stubby is on foreign soil and, it is discovered, has special skills.  He can smell mustard gas from a distance, thus helping troops avoid that area, and he can find wounded soldiers so medics can help them. Talk about bravery. After the way, Stubby ends up being the most decorated canine ever and the first—and only—canine to be promoted to the rank of Sergeant. Helena Bonham Carter also stars, and is the narrator of the story. You will recognize Gerard Depardieu, also. “Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Rider (opening in select cities)—For western fans, this film is about a professional rodeo rider (true story) who is at the top of his game when there is a serious accident.  What to do next? What direction to go now?  The film did well at Sundance.  Cast includes Brady Jandreau, Tim Jandreau, Lilly Jandreau and Lane Scott.  “The Rider” is rated R. No rating.

Miracle Season—This dramatic film, based on a true story, is about volleyball.  Specifically, the Iowa City West High School Girls Volleyball Team.  Their captain, Caroline (Danika Yarosh), nicknamed “Line” dies in an accident and the team is devastated. What to do? Helen Hunt is their coach, and together, the team decides to “go for the gold and for Line.”  They start winning  and you can figure out the rest. Other sports films that had similar themes include “The Mighty Ducks” and “Miracle” (both hockey), “Hoosiers” for basketball, “The Replacements” and “Necessary Roughness” for football.  In this volleyball film, William Hurt is also in the cast along with Erin Moriarity. “Miracle Season” is rated PG-13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Flower (opening in select cities)—A coming-of-age film (think “Lady Bird” here), the film concerns a teenage girl (Zoey Deutch) living with her Mom (Kathryn Hahn) and the Mom’s boyfriend, Tim Heidecker. Enter, the boyfriend’s son (Joey Morgan) who has emotional problems and before you can snap your fingers, the teens are out for trouble and that includes harassing a teacher, Adam Scott. “Flower” is rated R. No rating.

APRIL 20, 2018…

Rampage stars Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) as a scientist whose friend is a large gorilla—but the gorilla keeps getting bigger and bigger…….

Super Troopers 2 has the group on the Canadian/US border. Stars Rob Lowe.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.