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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Yesterday afternoon after the show, I saw a guy with a sign that said, “WHERE WILL YOU SPEND ETERNITY?” which freaked me out because I was on my way to the Motor Vehicle Agency. –Arj Barker
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“The problem to be solved is, not what form of Government is perfect, but which of the forms is least imperfect.” – James Madison
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
To me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. — Philippians 1:21
For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. — 1 Corinthians 1:18
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. — Philippians 4:4-5
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. — Colossians 4:5-6
Thought: Jesus warned about our giving account for every idle word. Paul takes it a step further and emphasizes how important this is with those who don’t know Christ. We want to seize every opportunity when around those who are not Christians and show kindness, care, and control in the way we use our speech. Someone’s eternal destiny may be resting on our conversations with them.
Prayer: Holy and Righteous God, I know you hate it when your people wound and drive unbelievers away. Please help me display a winsome attitude with all people, but especially those who do not yet know Jesus as their Lord and Savior. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware.
You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV = So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – APRIL 18, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 250 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is INTERNATIONAL SPECIAL LIBRARIANS DAY. ***That’s sweet – a whole day dedicated to librarians with special needs; like those who never could learn the Dewey Decimal System.
This is NATIONAL BUILDINGS SAFETY WEEK. ***It’s just my opinion, but don’t you think that the safety of buildings should be a priority more often than just one week per year? How about a National Buildings Safety All Of The Time celebration?
Today is PET OWNERS INDEPENDENCE DAY, a day for pet owners to sleep all day and let the pets do the work. ***Oh, if it were only that simple! I’d LOVE to get our cat, Patches, to clean the bathroom – but she even freaks out just watching us take a shower. “Hey, how can you just stand there and let the water pour all over you?!?! Are you CRAZY?!?! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take to lick yourselves dry now?!?!”
Today is NATIONAL ANIMAL CRACKERS DAY. ***And if you think you’re animals are going to do the work for you today, well then you’re a little crackers as well.
TODAY IS ALSO…
Adult Autism Day
International Amateur Radio Day
International Day for Monuments and Sites
National Columnists’ Day
National Lineman Appreciation Day
Pet Owners Independence Day
World Amateur Radio Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
THURSDAY, APRIL 19
Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Action Day
Get to Know Your Customers Day
John Parker Day
National Garlic Day
National Hanging Out Day
National Ask An Atheist Day
National D.A.R.E. Day
National Stress Awareness Day
Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day
FRIDAY, APRIL 20
Chinese Language Day
International Cli-Fi Day
National Cheddar Fries Day
National Pot Smokers Day
National Teach Children to Save Day
SATURDAY, APRIL 21
Bulldogs are Beautiful Day
Husband Appreciation Day
National Chocolate-Covered Cashews Day
National Pro-Life T-Shirt Day
National Surprise Drug Test Day
National Yellow Bat Day
Queen’s Birthday (real date)
Record Store Day
Spring Astronomy Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 22
Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day
Girl Scout Leaders Day
Global Selfie Earth Day (NASA)
“In God We Trust Day” Day
Mother Earth Day
National Jelly Bean Day
MONDAY, APRIL 23
TUESDAY, APRIL 24
Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day
Sauvignon Blanc Day
New Kids on The Block Day
World Day for Animals in Laboratories
World Meningitis Day
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25
Administrative Professionals Day or Secretary’s Day
East Meets West Day (aka Elbe Day)
Hairstylists Appreciation Day
Hug A Plumber Day or Plumbers Day
International Guide Dogs Day
International Marconi Day
International Noise Awareness Day
License Plates Day
National Mani-pedi Day
Malaria Awareness Day
Parental Alienation Day
Red Hat Society Day
World Penguin Day
National Golf Day
ON THIS DAY
1775: Paul Revere began his famous ride from Charlestown to Lexington, Massachusetts, to warn American colonists the British were coming.
1877: Charles Cros wrote a paper that described the process of recording and reproducing sound. In France, Mr. Cros is still recognized as the inventor of the phonograph. In the U.S., Thomas Edison gets the credit.
1923: Yankee Stadium opened in the Bronx, New York. It was baseball’s first three-tiered stadium. The Yankees defeated the Boston Red Sox 4-1.
1924: Simon & Schuster published the first Crossword Puzzle Book.
1936: Gene Autry, the Singing Cowboy, recorded “Back in the Saddle Again.”
1945: St. Louis Brown outfielder Pete Gray went one for four in his first major league game. Pete had only one arm.
1966: Bill Russell was named player-coach of the Boston Celtics, the first African-American coach in the NBA.
1979: 18-year-old Andreas Mihavecz was discovered near death in a government holding cell in Hochst, Austria. A passenger in an auto accident, he apparently was forgotten and given neither food nor water for 18 days. He survived.
1981: Tom Seaver of the Cincinnati Reds struck out Cardinal Keith Hernandez to became only the fifth pitcher in major league history to earn 3,000 career strikeouts. But the Cardinals won the game, 10-4.
1990: A jury awarded a St. Louis woman $27,500 in damages from a man who bit her in a bar. The woman testified that the bite caused such “searing and throbbing pain,” she could not sit down for three days. ***Oh, so that’s where he bit her.
1991: Charlie Kovacs of Seymour, Victoria, Australia, set the world camper speed record by towing his Roadster camper at a speed of 126.76 miles an hour. ***But his kids still kept yelling, “Are we there yet!”
1999: Wayne Gretzky played his last National Hockey League game as his New York Rangers lost to Pittsburgh 2-1 in overtime at Madison Square Garden.
2001: A San Francisco man was arrested for a string of bank robberies after he dropped a receipt with his name on it at one bank and left his resume at another. Police said the 37-year-old bandit was intoxicated during the robberies.
2002: Actor Robert Blake was arrested in the shooting death of his wife, Bonny Lee Bakley. Blake, who played Little Beaver as a child in 20 movies and later was TV’s “Baretta,” was acquitted of murder but found liable in a civil case.
2003: Scott Peterson was arrested in San Diego in the death of his wife, Laci, who was eight months pregnant when she vanished on Christmas Eve.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1161: Theobald, Archbishop of Canterbury, dies. He repeatedly quarreled with his superiors about church appointments and other political questions, but he the influential French abbot Bernard of Clairvaux supported him. Theobald helped strengthen the English church and build the career of Thomas Becket, whom he recommended as chancellor to England’s newly crowned King Henry.
1587: English Protestant historian John Foxe, author of Actes and Monuments of Matters Happenning to the Church (the shorter version is now known as Foxe’s Book of Martyrs), dies at age 71.
1870: Isabella Thoburn opens her school, one of the first for the women of India. Seven frightened girls are coaxed to attend.
1874: Having died nearly a year earlier (May 1, 1873) in what is now northern Zambia, missionary-explorer David Livingstone (whose remains had been brought, as his tombstone reads, “by faithful hands over land and sea”) is interred in London’s Westminster Abbey.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (“Superstore”, “Ugly Betty) America Ferrera, 34
Actress (“Sabrina the Teenage Witch”) Melissa Joan Hart 42 (audio clip)
actor (“Mr. Robot”, Broken Arrow) Christian Slater, 50
actress (“ER”, Payback) Maria Bello, 51
TV host Conan O’Brien 55
Actor (Will on “Will & Grace”) Eric McCormack, 55 (audio clip)
Actress (Daphne Moon on “Frasier”) Jane Leeves, 57 (audio clip)
actor (Rick Decker on “As the World Turns,” Jeff Colby on “Dynasty”) John James 62 (audio clip)
actor (Less Than Perfect, “Heroes”) Eric Roberts, 62 (audio clip)
Actor (Barry Dekumbis on “Ally McBeal,” Ira Buchman on “Mad About You”) John Pankow 64 (audio clip)
actor (Ghostbusters, Honey I Shrunk the Kids) Rick Moranis, 65
actress (Ferris’ mom in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) Cindy Pickett, 71
Actor (John Q, Riding In Cars With Boys, Any Given Sunday, The General’s Daughter, True Crime) James Woods, 71
Actress (the original The Parent Trap, That Darn Cat) Hayley Mills, 72
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1918 : Tony Mottola
1924 : Clarence “Gatemouth” Brown
1935 : Paul Rothchild
1938 : Hal Galper
1939 : Glen Hardin (The Crickets)
1940 : Mike Vickers (Manfred Mann)
1946 : Lennie Baker (Sha Na Na)
1946 : Hayley Mills
1946 : Skip Spence (Quicksilver Messenger Service, Moby Grape, Jefferson Airplane)
1958 : Les Pattinson (Echo And The Bunnymen)
1966 : Ana Voog (The Blue Up)
1970 : Greg Eklund (Everclear)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Why do we call a worldly person “sophisticated?”
This is all about wise guys. It starts with the ancient Greek word sophos, which meant wise. But it’s not a straight line from there to sophisticated. In the 4th century B. C., a school of philosophy that emphasized verbal cleverness and skillful arguing over deep, serious thought was called sophistry. (The ancient Greeks didn’t have a word for smarty-pants… and the word “lawyer” came much later.) Medieval Latin continued this line of thought, applying the word “sophisticare” to mean adulterating something or watering it down. As the word morphed into sophisticated, a transformation of its meaning also occurred. By around 1700, sophisticated meant artificial (not far from adulterated), and unsophisticated came to mean pure and natural, the opposite of artificial. It was almost 1900 before sophisticated evolved yet again from the negative sense of artificial to the positive meaning of complex, knowledgeable, and worldly… much like yours truly. (Source: www.worldwidewords.com)
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Starbucks is opening its first store in Uruguay. ***Which is great news… unless you’re black.
Adam Rippon and Tonya Harding will be in the next season of “Dancing With The Stars.” ***And Adam will undoubtedly be wearing knee guards.
There is a very small group of people who believe that the world is coming to an end and that “the rapture” will begin on April 23rd. All based on astrological signs. ***Never mind the fact that the guy predicting this has been wrong multiple times before. Just consider those “warm up” predictions!
A new study says sitting at your desk all day may damage your brain and increase your chance of dementia. ***In a related study, it appears sitting at your desk all day may damage your brain and increase your chance of dementia.
An 80-year-old man in Arizona is on trial for robbing a bank. ***The trial sentencing phase should be interesting. No matter how much time he is given, it’s going to be a life sentence.
For what it’s worth, the IRS audit rate is at its lowest in the past 15 years. ***A giant sigh of relief was heard from the White House.
A Canadian company is planning to make drones that can carry a 400-pound payload. ***Meaning I can now afford my only private air travel!
They say that baseball viewership is at its lowest in a decade. ***Hey – maybe the players should begin protesting the National Anthem! It did wonders for the NFL!
They’ve found 170 million-year-old fossils in Scotland belonging to the largest dinosaurs that ever roamed the earth. The Sauropods grew to be up to 49-feet tall and weighed 10-tons. ***Although Rosie O’Donnell swears she has never been to Scotland.
The 20-city sweepstakes to see which city will become Amazon’s second headquarters will be decided by December 31. Which ever city is chosen, Amazon plans to spend $5 billion building the new headquarters and hire 50,000 well-paid high-tech workers to work there. ***So… better luck next time, any town in Florida.
McDonald’s is tripling the tuition money they are offering restaurant workers who want to pursue a college degree. ***Bad news – it’s only for their Hamburger University, where a degree will give you the qualifications to pursue a career where you can ask, “would you like a hot apple pie with that?”
A new study claims that going to concerts actually helps you live longer. ***Unless they are boy-band concerts. Then it just feels like you’re living longer because time slows down to a crawl.
Major credit card companies Mastercard, Visa, American Express and Discover have eliminated the need for shoppers to sign receipts for credit and debit sales. It’s going to be entirely up to the merchant. ***Seeing as they never check your I.D. anymore anyway, what’s the point? Seriously – when is the last time you used a debit or credit card and the sales clerk asked to see your drivers license? NEVER – exactly. You could give them a credit card with the name “Manuel Noriega” and they wouldn’t bat an eye.
A study says a sudden loss of wealth increases the risk of dying early. ***Either that, or you wish you were dead.
There’s a new report that says legal pot could outsell soft drinks by 2030. ***Even worse – because of the munchies you get, it’s even more fattening!
A survey says that one third of Millennials believe the Earth might be flat. ***It’s great to see schools are doing such a wonderful job educating our kids – ain’t it?
A Kansas man has donated 32 gallons of blood over the past 64 years. ***I’m really hoping it was his own… otherwise this is a really creepy story.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Could your kitchen at home pass a restaurant inspection? New research suggests that at least one in seven home kitchens would flunk the kind of health inspection commonly administered to restaurants. The small study from California’s Los Angeles County found that only 61 percent of home kitchens would get an A or B if put through the rigors of a restaurant inspection. At least 14 percent would fail – not even getting a C. ***Of course, this is just one part of the equation. Home cooking might also be dangerous if your mother-in-law is cooking.
Here’s a simple way to have a happier marriage: touch while sleeping. In a study (University of Herfordshire), 94% of couples who touched while sleeping said they were happier. For couples who are hands-off (and arms and legs and toes), only 68% are happy. ***Obviously these researches never tried to get to sleep with my wife’s 2-degrees-below-zero feet in the arch of their backs.
Do you “Google” your dates? Lots of people do. Katie Laird, a Web marketing professional from Houston, advises her friends to use the power of the Internet search giant. Laird adds that “googling” your dates will help you learn things about them that you likely won’t learn during the actual date… both bad and good. She says there’s an upside to cyberspace dating. She says she met her future husband online. ***Times sure have changed, haven’t they? Before Google existed, if you googled your date you’d get a slap in the face.
A study finds that television may actually do no harm to babies. Research has determined that viewing TV before age two has no impact on a child’s learning ability. ***Because it requires absolutely zero brain cells to watch.
The bare minimum of exercise is good enough suggests a study concluding that just 15 minutes of daily physical activity increases your life expectancy by 14 percent, or three years, over your lazy counterparts. ***But then, those last three years of life kinda suck anyway, so why get all sweaty every day for fifteen minutes?
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were determined to find out what kind of creature was making giant footprints in the jungle… but then they decided not to because they were scared. But then they got brave and moved forward… and then they got scared again. And now…
CLOSE: Finally… now we’re making some progress! What will the jungle animals find when they get back to the giant footprints? Will Millard become monster food, or will this all turn out to be a giant joke? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Today’s Moment of Duh tells us what not to do during tax season… or anytime for that matter.
Now that tax day is finally past, I feel it’s safe to give you a particular Moment of Duh that I’ve been saving. I didn’t want to give you any ideas that might land you in jail if you tried them. Here’s an example of what NOT to do in filing your taxes. In Queens, New York, Michael Graham has been busted by the IRS after he filed 1800 bogus tax returns, hoping to collect $1.6 million in fraudulent refunds. Instead he only received one refund, worth about $900. He slipped up when he cited employers that did not exist and used consecutive social security numbers on his returns. He’s now doing three to ten in federal prison.
TOP TEN THINGS TO DO WITH 100,000 BUNGEE CORDS
10. Tug-of-War across the ocean
9. Save on gas by hooking them to your bumper before you leave the house. Then on the way home just pop it in neutral baby!
8. When the next tornado comes, your trailer ain’t going nowhere!
7. Connect them all to form a giant rope, placing a G.P.S. locater on one end. Flush that end down the toilet, and see where it ends up
6. Make 50,000 pairs of giant suspenders.
5. Become the envy of the neighborhood by making the worlds largest hammock.
4. Make the International Space Station turn a profit by starting the world’s highest bungee jump.
3. Give the Statue of Liberty dreadlocks.
2. Bounce the moon like a yoyo.
1. From: Acme Inc. To: Wylie Coyote Contents: (1) 25 ft Deluxe Slingshot Frame
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A very successful bank robbery becomes unsuccessful in the files of Law & Disorder.
FILE #1: From Cleveland, comes the story of Jesus Ortega who had just pulled off a successful bank robbery. Now he was faced with the question of what to do with his cash. Three bags of it in small bills. He decided to go to another bank and open up a savings account. He slipped up when he told the teller he was homeless and unemployed and the cash was donated to him. The suspicious teller called the cops who identified him as the thief. He assured his place in the files of Law & Disorder when, as the cops were leading him out, he shouted back to the teller and asked her what interest rate he would be getting.
FILE #2: If you can’t do something because it’s illegal, you shouldn’t get angry. That’s what a man in Germany learned. The 38-year-old filled up his tank at a gas station, only to be told by the station’s cashier that they wouldn’t take his money. The reason? It was fake money. The cashier didn’t have to call the police to report the man, though. No. The man got so angry that he drove off to the police station to complain that the gas station would not accept his fake currency! They also found out that he didn’t have a valid driver’s license either!
FILE #3: A high school student in Georgia ruined his school’s 20th birthday celebration by jumping into a 16-foot long cake. Benjamin Jamieson, who said he did it as a dare, was arrested and taken away in handcuffs after his principal called the police. The school board at Lassiter High School later decided not to press charges but he has been suspended from school for five days.
STRANGE LAW: Frightening a baby is against the law in Mole, Missouri.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
Some helpful tips for would-be drug traffickers.
Tip #1: Don’t be a drug-trafficker.
Tip #2: If you decide to be a drug-trafficker, don’t traffic your drugs in a stolen car.
Tip #3: If you decide to be a drug-trafficker and traffic your drugs in a stolen car, don’t then park your car illegally in a handicapped parking zone.
An alert Greenwood Village, Colorado police officer noticed just such a scenario. When the officer approached the vehicle and talked to two teenage girls in the car, he noticed that the steering column had been damaged. It didn’t take Kojak to put two and two together and when he took the girls into custody for auto theft, one of them mentioned there were illegal drugs in the vehicle; at which point this kind of traffic came to a screeching halt.
THE OREO PERSONALITY TEST
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee…).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. But that’s okay, not to worry, you’re normal.
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You’re very tidy and orderly. You’re very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do.
4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What are the four rivers in the Garden of Eden?
ANSWER: Pishon, Gihon, Tigris, and Euphrates. (Genesis 2:11-14)
QUESTION: What was the name of Tonto’s horse in the TV series of the Lone Ranger?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Almonds are the only nuts mentioned in the Bible. (False – pistachios are mentioned also)
2. The first child ever born on the continent of Antarctica wasn’t born until 1978. (True)
3. The average person takes between 8,000 and 10,000 steps a day. (True, according to the American Podiatric Association)
4. There are 21 flowers on each Oreo cookie. (False – 24)
5. Ancient Latin and Aramaic are related to every modern language, but not to one another. (True)
6. Orchids release a chemical that intoxicates hummingbirds. (False – but it does intoxicate bees)
7. The average age of a new grandparent in the U.S. is 57. (False – it’s 47!)
8. The rhesus monkey is the only animal that can be taught to hum a tune. (True)
9. The average American eats 16 slices of pizza a year. (False – 46)
10. There are lyrics to the theme song from Star Trek. (True!)
STAR TREK THEME LYRICS
The rim of the star-light
is wand’ring in star-flight
He’ll find a star-clustered reaches
Strange love a star woman teaches.
His journey ends never
Hi star trek
Will go on forever.
But tell him
While he wanders his starry sea
Remember, remember me.
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
TITANIC SUNK BY _______ (MOON)
Researchers have concluded that a rare lunar event was the real cause of the sinking of the Titanic.
Exceptionally high tides caused by a rare conjunction of celestial events could have placed the fateful iceberg in the Titanic’s path.
The Titanic collided with an iceberg the night of April 14, 1912 and sank within hours, with the loss of around 1,500 lives.
And according to a team at Texas State University, an unusually close approach of the moon three months earlier could have raised water levels, refloating hundreds of beached icebergs.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A Baptist man lived in a traditional Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics were driven crazy because, while they were morosely eating fish, the Baptist was outside barbecuing steaks. The Catholics worked on the Baptist, attempting to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after much pleading and some threats, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Baptist to a priest who sprinkled Holy Water on the man while saying, “Born a Baptist, Raised a Baptist, Now a Catholic!”
The Catholics were ecstatic but this was short-lived for, the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue once again drifted through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rushed to the ex-Baptist’s house to remind him of his new diet. They found him standing over the cooking steaks, sprinkling water on the meat and saying, “Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish!”
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”
“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”
“Wow! Does that really work?”
“You bet it does.”
“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”
“You’re the sixth,” he said.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
The American Academy of Pediatrics says there’s no evidence that over-the-counter cold and cough medicines actually work in children under 6. ***But it does make them go to sleep faster.
The worst soda for your teeth is RC Cola, followed by Cherry Coke and Coke. That’s the word from a study by the Southern Illinois University School of Dental Medicine that concludes that exposing teeth to soft drinks, even for a short period of time, causes dental erosion. ***Which is why I’m switching to carbonated coffee.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from Utah, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Not only do dogs bite, so do some cops!
Here’s how to literally take a bite out of crime. Two police officers in Calcutta, India, have been suspended from duty because one of them bit the hand of a truck driver. Did he bite the man in a struggle; was the truck driver resisting arrest? No. The police officer bit the man because the truck driver refused to pay a bribe to the police. Apparently, police officers in Calcutta are very poorly paid and often ask for or accept bribes from drivers to tear up traffic tickets, but this truck driver would have no part of that. He wanted to go about paying it the legal way. The investigation is still in the works.
CROCUSES FROM MY FATHER
Joan Wester Anderson
It was an autumn morning in 1971, shortly after our family moved into our first house. The children were upstairs unpacking, and I was looking out the window at my father, moving around mysteriously on the front lawn. My parents lived nearby, and Dad had visited us several times already. “What are you doing out there?” I called to him.
He looked up, smiling. “I’m making you a surprise.” What kind of a surprise, I wondered. Knowing my father, an engaging and quixotic man, it could be just about anything. But Dad would say no more and caught up in the busyness of our new life, I eventually forgot about the surprise.
Until one raw day in late March when, again, I glanced out the window. Dismal. Overcast. Little piles of dirty snow still stubbornly littering the lawn, as boots and wet mittens cluttered our closets. I had always hated Chicago winters—would this one ever end? And yet…was it a mirage? I strained to see what I thought was something pink, miraculously peeking out of a drift. And was that a dot of blue across the yard, a small note of optimism in this gloomy expanse? I grabbed my coat, and headed outside for a closer look.
They were crocuses, not neatly marching along the house’s foundation (where I never could have seen them from the window), but scattered whimsically throughout the front lawn. Lavender, blue, yellow and my favorite pink–little faces bobbing in the bitter wind, they heralded the hope I’d almost lost. See? they seemed to say. You’ve survived the long dark winter. And if you hang on a little longer, life will be beautiful again.
Dad. I smiled, remembering the bulbs he had secretly planted last fall. What could have been more perfectly timed, more tuned to my needs. How blessed I was, not only for the flowers, but for him.
My father’s crocuses bloomed each spring for the next few seasons, bringing that same assurance every time they arrived: Hard times almost over, light coming, hold on, hold on… Then, apparently, the bulbs could produce no more. A spring came with only half the usual blooms. The next season, about 1979, there were none. I missed the crocuses, but my life was busier than ever, and I had never been much of a gardener. I would ask Dad to come over and plant new bulbs, I thought. But I never did.
Our father died suddenly, on one exquisitely beautiful day in October, 1985. We grieved intensely, deeply, but cleanly, because there was no unfinished business, no regrets or lingering guilt. We had always been a faith-filled family, and we leaned on it now. Of course Dad was in heaven. Where else would such a beloved person go? He was still a part of us; in fact, he could probably do even more for his family now that he was closer to God.
And if I wondered, just a little, in the quiet darkness of my room, if I unwillingly questioned what I had been taught because faith suddenly seemed to demand more bravery than I could muster, no one else ever knew. We suffered. We handled our pain. We laughed and cried together. Life went on.
Four years passed, and on a dismal day in spring 1989, I found myself running errands and feeling depressed. Winter blahs, I told myself. You get them every spring. It’s chemistry. Perhaps. But it was something else too. Once again I found myself thinking about Dad. This was not unusual—we often talked about him, reminiscing and enjoying our memories. But now in the car, my old unspoken concern surfaced. How was he? And, although I hated to wonder, where was he? I know that I know that I know, I told God in the familiar shorthand I often use. But do You think that You could send a sign, just something little, that Dad is home safe with You?
Immediately I felt guilty. God had been very good to me, and He had a right to expect something in return. But sometimes, I told myself as I turned into our driveway, faith is so very hard.
Suddenly I slowed, stopped and stared at the lawn. Small gray mounds of melting snow. Muddy grass. And there, bravely waving in the wind, one pink crocus.
Hold on, keep going, light is coming soon… There was no way, I knew, that a flower could bloom from a bulb more than eighteen years old, one that hadn’t blossomed in over a decade. But there the crocus was, like a hug from heaven, and tears filled my eyes. God had heard. And He loved me, so much that He had sent the reassurance I needed in a tenderly personal way—so there would be no doubt.
The pink crocus bloomed for only one day. April 14th. My father’s birthday. But it built my faith for a lifetime.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Paul Van Gorder
Read: Ephesians 6:5-9
Serve the Lord with gladness; come before His presence with singing. – Psalm 100:2
As a boy, I never shared my father’s enthusiasm for the soil. For several summers he had a little plot of ground in the country where he planted a garden. It provided physical therapy and relaxation for him, as well as a bountifully laden table for family and friends.
Back then, a hand-pushed plow was used to break up the ground, and the initial plowing, therefore, was often difficult. I remember helping my dad load his cultivator into the trunk one day and going with him to his garden. When we arrived, he prepared to make the first furrow while I took the lunch basket and picked a comfortable seat under the shade of an apple tree.
I was totally unsuspecting as I observed my father attach a rope to both handles of the cultivator and make a harness. Soon an unwilling boy was in front of that plow. Dad pushed and I pulled—and grumbled. Up one row and down another—over and over again. How miserable I was doing my duty!
Sometimes when we’re asked to serve the Lord in a particular way, we reluctantly accept, but we do so only out of a sense of obligation. When that happens, we need to pray for a willing spirit so that we can “serve the Lord with gladness” (Psalm 100:2).
I am happy in the service of the King,
I am happy, oh, so happy;
Through the sunshine and the shadow I can sing,
In the service of the King. —Ackley
© 1912, The Rodeheaver Co.
A willing spirit changes the drudgery of duty into a labor of love.
A teacher in Ohio has gotten herself in a “sticky” situation with the parent’s of one of her students. Kim Longino-Johnson from Cleveland is suing her son’s fourth-grade teacher for pouring Elmer’s glue over her son Christopher. In her lawsuit of $600,000, she states that he has suffered physical and psychological damage. Christopher was peeling dried glue from his hands when his teacher, Marilyn Burns, intentionally poured glue all over his head, face and other parts of his body. The teacher, who was suspended without pay for one day after the incident, was said to be suffering from a ‘heightened level of stress’ after taking on additional students and organizing extra activities for her pupils. ***MARLAR: And now she’s dealing with a $600,000 lawsuit. Yeah, that should help her stress levels decline.
LIFE… LIVE IT
THE SNACK-FOOD AMENDMENT?
Sometimes I talk about insane lawsuits on the show, and usually I side with the defendants because, hey, these are insane lawsuits! This time, I’m not sure WHO I should side with.
The mother of a 13-year-old girl is suing the owners of a train station because they arrested the girl after she ate potato chips on the train station’s property. The train station has a ban on eating and drinking at the station and the girl is suing the station’s owners for violating her constitutional rights. ***MARLAR: Constitutional rights? I find it amazing that just because someone doesn’t like something or doesn’t think it’s fair that they suddenly claim that it’s unconstitutional. WHERE in the Constitution does it say we have the right to eat potato chips? She ought to be suing the school district for not teaching her the Constitution. Or maybe she can sue her parents for not teaching her common sense.
JUST FOR FUN
PUMP AND GRUNT
A bodybuilder has been banned from an England gym for grunting too loudly when he lifts weights. Staff at the Sam Jones gym say Paul Hayman is upsetting other members when he works out and grunts loudly. The British Weightlifters’ Association claim that no one in the gym has ever complained about the moaning or groaning before. They defend that it is purely an involuntary reaction.
STUFF YOU’LL NEVER HEAR ON TELEVISION
- “Since absolutely nothing interesting happened today, we’re just going to give you the weather and call it a night.”
- “Due to the extremely graphic nature of this program, we’ve changed our minds and decided not to show it at all.”
- “Since our ministry has all the money it needs at present, we won’t be asking for any funds for the next six months.”
- “We’re going to be running a least eight commercials now, so this would be a good time for you to get a snack.”
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Exercise can reduce your risk of stroke.
You can reduce your risk of stroke by up to 64 percent by getting some exercise every day. The key is moderation, both in the amount of time you spend exercising and in the intensity of your workouts. You don’t have to train like an athlete to get the full benefit. A brisk 45-minute walk will do the trick,, as will 45 minutes of fairly vigorous housework. Gardening, biking, swimming and weight training are all good alternatives. If you opt for weights, use lighter resistance and aim for a high number of repetitions for each exercise. ***MARLAR: I’ve already begun biking five miles every day. And fortunately scooters don’t use a lot of gas.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
More and more researchers are finding that gratitude doesn’t just make you feel like a better person, it’s actually good for your health. Professor and researcher Robert A. Emmons puts it this way: “Clinical trials indicate that the practice of gratitude can have dramatic and lasting effects in a person’s life. It can lower blood pressure, improve immune function and facilitate more efficient sleep.” One recent study from the University of California San Diego’s School of Medicine found that people who were more grateful actually had better heart health, specifically less inflammation and healthier heart rhythms. They showed a better well-being, a less depressed mood, less fatigue, and they slept better. Gratitude has the opposite effect of stress. Another study found that gratitude can boost your immune system. Stressed-out law students who characterized themselves as optimistic actually had more disease-fighting cells in their bodies. And in another study people who keep a gratitude journal have a reduced dietary fat intake—as much as 25 percent lower. Stress hormones like cortisol are 23 percent lower in grateful people. And having a daily gratitude practice could actually reduce the effects of aging to the brain.
For nearly 30 years, London-based reptile enthusiast and musician Steve Ludwin has been injecting snake venom. It may now help save thousands of lives, as researchers search for a new antidote based on his body’s response to the toxic fluids. Over the years Mr Ludwin has injected the venom of some of the world’s most dangerous snakes, including the black mamba and cobras. He claimed that it has strengthened his immune system so much he has not suffered from a cold in 15 years. Now a team of researchers at the University of Copenhagen embarked on producing an anti-venom using his antibodies.
How do you know if what you have is a cold or the flu? Peter Hibberd, M.D. told NewsHealthMax that the best way to distinguish between a cold and the flu is by a rapid test your doctor can give in the office. However, clinical symptoms can help you figure it before you call your physician. if it’s a cold you’ll likely have nasal congestion, a minor sore throat, a dry cough and possibly a low-grade fever. The common cold typically comes and goes in about six days, and few of us suffer any complications. When you get a cold, you can usually go to work as this is a mild illness. if it’s the flu you will experience a sudden onset of all-over body aches, a fever over 100 degrees Fahrenheit, cough, congestion, nausea, weakness, loss of appetite and even vomiting. Influenza is a serious illness — so serious that it is difficult to go to work because you are too ill and too weak.
People who brag that they can eat anything they want and still fit into their skinny jeans may have an “unfair” advantage over the rest of us – skinny genes (not denim – but DNA). According to a study in the journal Natural, those lucky ones have 28 special genes that form a portion of chromosome 16 and people without it are 43 times more likely to be morbidly obese. While scientist have detected genetic material that leads to flab, this is the first found that pushes people to be slender. Researchers say that everyone normally has a copy of each chromosome from each parent, giving them two copies of every gene. But sometimes sections of a chromosome can be duplicated or deleted, resulting in abnormal genes. “This is the first genetic cause of extreme thinness to be identified,” says study spearhead Dr. Phillipp Froguel of Imperial College London. “It is also the first example of a deletion and a duplication of one part of the genome having opposite effects. If we can discover why this results, it could lead to new obesity treatments.”
Cool a heated situation-Not seeing eye to eye? Its sounds silly, but if you both hold something cold like a chilled glass of water (or even better, wine) as you hash things out, it will help, possible because cool temps make us more accepting of another point of view, says a new Dutch study. At the very least, sips could stop you from saying mean stuff.
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Instead of emptying their coffers on commercial advertising, this Texas church decided to spend their money on something much more meaningful. On Easter Sunday, a pastor at the Covenant Church of Carrollton, Texas announced that they had bought out and forgiven $100,000 worth of medical debt for local families. The church made the transaction through RIP Medical Debt – an American nonprofit that buys up and abolishes medical debt. Since medical debt can be bought by collection agencies for a fraction of what they’re worth, $100,000 translates to over $10 million in medical debt that has now been lifted off the shoulders of struggling Texas families. (Read the full story: https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/instead-of-paying-for-advertising-church-abolishes-10m-in-medical-debt-for-local-families)
(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Big news that House Speaker Paul Ryan is stepping down. But don’t worry – even if he never works another day in his life, he’s got that Congressional pension to fall back on. Ryan, at 48, is just two years away from being eligible for a pension under what’s known as the Federal Employees’ Retirement System. Under the formula laid out in this Congressional Research Service study, Ryan would be eligible for an annual pension of nearly $76,000, based on 20 years as an elected House member. Throw in his years as a congressional staffer, and the total rises to $84,930, says researcher Alex Baumgart of the Center for Responsive Politics. The same system entitles lawmakers to Social Security benefits and the so-called Thrift Savings Plan, which is similar to a 401(k). Baumgart notes that members of Congress aren’t required to disclose financial interest in or any income gained from federal retirement systems and the Thrift Savings Plan, and Ryan has not disclosed the information. A Ryan spokeswoman didn’t respond to a request for comment on whether Ryan had declined to enroll in FERS. The Center for Responsive Politics, meanwhile, puts Ryan’s personal net worth at just over $6 million as of 2016. His wife is a former tax attorney who also received a big inheritance when her mother died. Whatever else Ryan does in the future, he won’t be able to lobby for one year, thanks to a statutory “cooling off” period for ex-House members. (Market Watch)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
You MIGHT be a radio program director if:
If you take your coffee break and bathroom break at around :22, :38, & :52.
If your ‘best friends’ work at record companies and only call between 1 and 3 on Friday…
If you’ve scolded your family for talking on a quarter hour….
If you’ve asked your minister about his reference to “The (good) Book”…
If, when asked where you live you’ve given a response like “Arlington/Dallas/Fort Worth”…
If you’ve grounded your five year old for saying “uhhhh”…..
If they ask your age at the DMV and you answer “18-34″….
If you’ve ever listened to a station with a stopwatch in your hand…
If you discipline your children by telling them they’ve been “day parted”…
If you wish ‘time and temperature’ gave the time two ways…7:35, that’s 25 before 8…
If someone comments on the quality of your church choir, and you say “I’m still waiting on the research for that”…
If you’ve had lunch this week on ‘trade out’….
If more than 50% of your home music collection is labeled “Promotional-Not for sale”..
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 13, 2018…
Beirut (opening in select cities)—This is a political drama/thriller starring Jon Hamm. He portrays a former diplomat who is called into action to save a friend from assassins. Also in the cast are Rosamund Pike (“Hostiles”) and Dean Norris. “Beirut” is rated R. No rating.
Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero—This is a true story, partially computer generated. Stubby began as a homeless Boston terrier, who was found by a young man going off to WWI. Logan Lerman plays the man who becomes quite fond of Stubby and before you know it, Stubby is on foreign soil and, it is discovered, has special skills. He can smell mustard gas from a distance, thus helping troops avoid that area, and he can find wounded soldiers so medics can help them. Talk about bravery. After the way, Stubby ends up being the most decorated canine ever and the first—and only—canine to be promoted to the rank of Sergeant. Helena Bonham Carter also stars, and is the narrator of the story. You will recognize Gerard Depardieu, also. “Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.
The Rider (opening in select cities)—For western fans, this film is about a professional rodeo rider (true story) who is at the top of his game when there is a serious accident. What to do next? What direction to go now? The film did well at Sundance. Cast includes Brady Jandreau, Tim Jandreau, Lilly Jandreau and Lane Scott. “The Rider” is rated R. No rating.
Miracle Season—This dramatic film, based on a true story, is about volleyball. Specifically, the Iowa City West High School Girls Volleyball Team. Their captain, Caroline (Danika Yarosh), nicknamed “Line” dies in an accident and the team is devastated. What to do? Helen Hunt is their coach, and together, the team decides to “go for the gold and for Line.” They start winning and you can figure out the rest. Other sports films that had similar themes include “The Mighty Ducks” and “Miracle” (both hockey), “Hoosiers” for basketball, “The Replacements” and “Necessary Roughness” for football. In this volleyball film, William Hurt is also in the cast along with Erin Moriarity. “Miracle Season” is rated PG-13. Rating of 3 for fans.
Flower (opening in select cities)—A coming-of-age film (think “Lady Bird” here), the film concerns a teenage girl (Zoey Deutch) living with her Mom (Kathryn Hahn) and the Mom’s boyfriend, Tim Heidecker. Enter, the boyfriend’s son (Joey Morgan) who has emotional problems and before you can snap your fingers, the teens are out for trouble and that includes harassing a teacher, Adam Scott. “Flower” is rated R. No rating.
APRIL 20, 2018…
Rampage stars Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) as a scientist whose friend is a large gorilla—but the gorilla keeps getting bigger and bigger…….
Super Troopers 2 has the group on the Canadian/US border. Stars Rob Lowe.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.