April 19, 2015: Sunday ONAIRprep

 

CLICK HERE FOR A .DOC VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20150419

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I was at the post office the other day and had to make a couple of copies for my tax returns.  Where else but the post office would they bolt a copy machine to the floor that doesn’t work?

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. –Matthew 7:24-25

 

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. — Romans 13:8

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ. — Colossians 2:17

 

Thought: In the world of religious ideas, Paul reminds the Colossian Christians that while the shiny religions around them may sound good and may better fit their desired lifestyle, these religions are only a shadow of what God offers us in Jesus. In Jesus, we have reality: spiritual reality and human reality. God has become one of us in Jesus so we could be one with him. What is real is what we find in Jesus.

 

Prayer: Give me focus, O Lord, to follow your Son with all my heart. I know so many other religious ideas are out there, but I also know that only Jesus showed how much you love me by dying for me and saving me from sin and death. I want to not only trust him and follow him, I want my character to be conformed to his. In the name of the only true Savior, Jesus Christ, I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

Philippians 4:19 NIV = And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

 

 

TODAY IS SUNDAY – APRIL 19, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 251 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is SNAKES RETURN TO IRELAND DAY. ***MARLAR: I had no idea the IRS was even based in Ireland, did you?

 

Today is NATIONAL GARLIC DAY.  ***MARLAR: Perfect for keeping away vampires, co-workers, and members of the opposite sex.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Bicycle Day

John Parker Day

National Garlic Day

National Hanging Out Day

Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

MONDAY, APRIL 20

Chinese Language Day

National Pot Smokers Day

Boston Marathon

 

TUESDAY, APRIL 21

Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day

Kindergarten Day

National Surprise Drug Test Day (because yesterday was National Pot Smokers Day)

Queen’s Birthday (real date)

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22

Administrative Professionals Day (Secretary’s Day)

Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day

Earth Day

Girl Scout Leaders Day

Global Selfie Earth Day (NASA)

In God We Trust Day

Mother Earth Day

 

THURSDAY, APRIL 23

English Language Day

Impossible Astronaut Day

National Lost Dog Awareness Day

Movie Theater Day

Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day

Talk Like Shakespeare Day

World Book & Copyright Day

World Book Night

 

FRIDAY, APRIL 24

Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day

National Hairball Awareness Day

New Kids on The Block Day

National Teach Your Children to Save Day

Satchmo Days begin

World Meningitis Day

Arbor Day

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 25

Bob Wills Day

DNA Day

Eeyore’s Birthday

Hairstylists Appreciation Day

Hug a Plumber Day / Plumbers Day

International Marconi Day

License Plaes Day

National Mani-pedi Day

Malaria Awareness Day

National Dance Day

National Go Birding Day

National Herb Day

Parental Alienation Day

Penguin Day

National Rebuilding Day

Red Hat Society Day

Save The Frogs Day

Sense of Smell Day

Spring Astronomy Day

World Day for Animals in Laboratories

World Healing Day

World Veterinary Day

World Tai Chi & Qigong Day

World Penguin Day

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 26

Doo Dah Day

Hug An Australian Day

National Help a Horse Day

Audubon Day

Mother, Father Deaf Day

National Kids and Pets Day

National Pretzel Day

National Pet Parent’s Day

Pinhole Photography Day

Richter Scale Day

World Intellectual Property Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1927: Actress Mae West was convicted of “indecent behavior” in her Broadway production of “Sex.” She was sentenced to 10 days in jail and fined $500. ***MARLAR: Nowadays the production would be rated G.

 

1956: Prince Rainier III married American actress Grace Kelly, transforming her into Princess Grace of Monaco.

 

1980: For the first time in history, women took the top five spots on Billboard’s country music chart. #1: Crystal Gayle, “It’s Like We Never Said Goodbye.” #2: Dottie West, “A Lesson In Leavin’.” #3: Debby Boone, “Are You on the Road to Lovin’.” #4: Tammy Wynette (with George Jones), “Two Story House,” #5: Emmylou Harris, “Beneath Still Waters.”

 

1985: In Berkeley Township, New Jersey, Central Regional High School’s Al Leiter used an 85-mile-an-hour fastball to strike out 32 batters on the way to a 0-0 tie! The game was called after 13 innings because, in Leiter’s words, “I have to go screw my arm back in place.”

 

1988: Chinese radio began playing western pop music for the first time, ranging from Glenn Miller to Madonna. “Roll Over Beethoven” was banned for being disrespectful to Beethoven.

 

1988: Sonny Bono was sworn in as mayor of Palm Springs, California.

 

1990: Fearing his staff of eight lawyers and seven Ph.D.s was too brainy, Vice President Dan Quayle told them to start reading People magazine to get in touch with the real world. ***MARLAR: Even worse, in the memo he spelled “People” P-E-O-P-L.

 

1994: A California court ordered the city of Los Angeles to pay Rodney King $3.8-million in damages for a 1991 beating by police. ***MARLAR: But he blew it all and came back with “Can’t we all get a loan?”

 

1995: A museum in The Hague paid $25-thousand at a London auction for a 300-year-old bird egg. The 15-inch egg, one of history’s largest, was laid by the now-extinct Madagascan Great Elephant Bird. ***MARLAR: It became extinct after hanging itself to death on a tree limb from its nose.

 

1996: At the site where the Murrah federal building once stood, hundreds of mourners paused for 168 seconds of silence on the first anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing that killed 168 and injured another 500.

 

1998: A British inventor who couldn’t stand the smell of his grandson’s sneakers invented a sneaker with a refillable deodorant reservoir in the heel. He claimed sneakers remained odor free while undergoing rigorous sniff testing. ***MARLAR: This shoe inspected by nose #2…

 

2001: A 24-year-old German man climbed down a 50-foot-deep unused well to retrieve his mobile phone on the grounds of a mediaeval castle at Stolberg. He got the phone, but then got stuck and had to use it to call for help. Emergency workers pulled the man from the well . He was not injured.

 

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany was elected pope. He took the name Benedict-the-16th.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

526: Justinian I is crowned Roman Emperor in Constantinople’s magnificent cathedral, the Santa Sophia. Attempting to restore political and religious unity in the eastern and western empires, he ruthlessly attacked pagans and heretics and created the Code of Justinian, a massive restructuring of law (including much regarding the relationship of church and state) that would be the basis of legislation for nearly a millennium.

 

1054: Pope Leo IX dies. Because Leo refused the title of Ecumenical Patriarch to Michael Cerularius (Patriarch of Constantinople) and demanded recognition of the filioque clause (the western addition to the Nicene creed that asserts “the Holy Ghost . . . proceeds from the Father and the Son), he is usually assigned responsibility for the final break between Eastern and Western Christianity, though the conventional date for the schism is July 16.

 

1529: In Germany at the Diet of Spires (Speyer), a document signed by Lutheran leaders in fourteen cities lodged a “protest” which demanded a freedom of conscience and the right of minorities. Henceforth, the German Lutheran Reformers were known as “Protestants.”

 

1560: German reformer Philip Melanchthon dies. The leader of the German reformation after the death of his friend, Martin Luther, Melanchthon composed the Augsburg Confession of 1530. Much more a peacemaker than Luther, he called for Lutherans and Zwinglians to put aside their differences for the sake of the reformation of the church. In addition, he led extensive efforts to develop the German educational system, for which he has been called “the teacher of Germany.”

 

1823: Birth of Anna L. Waring, Welsh Anglican hymnwriter. “In Heavenly Love Abiding” is one of her best-known hymns, and is still sung today.

 

1887: The Catholic University of America was chartered in Washington, D.C.

 

1930: American pioneer linguist Frank C. Laubach, while serving as a missionary in the Philippines, wrote in a letter: “Fellowship with God is like a delicate little plant, for a long nurturing is the price of having it, while it vanishes in a second of time, as soon as we try to seat some other unworthy affection beside Him.”

 

1941: Robert F. Wagner, Sr. introduced a resolution in the U.S. Senate stating that U.S. policy should favor the “restoration of the Jews in Palestine.” The resolution was supported by 68 Senators.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Star Wars: Episodes I, II and III) Hayden Christensen, 34
  • Actress (How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days; Almost Famous – daughter to Goldie Hawn) Kate Hudson, 36
  • Actor (Harry Osborn in the Spider-Man movies) James Franco, 37
  • Actress (“Spin City,” Don’t Say a Word, Louann ‘Crystal’ Turner on “Judging Amy”, “Blue Bloods”) Jennifer Esposito, 43 (audio clip)
  • Actress (Double Jeopardy, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Kiss the Girls) Ashley Judd, 47
  • Actor (Hunt For Red October, The Three Musketeers, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Muppet Treasure Island) Tim Curry, 69

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1892 : Germaine Tailleferre

1934 : Dickie Goodman

1941 : Bobby Russell

1942 : Alan Price (The Animals)

1947 : Mark Volman (The Turtles, Flo and Eddie, Mothers of Invention)

1956 : Rod Morgenstein (Winger)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Where did the hair dryer come from?

The first hair dryer was the vacuum cleaner! Around the turn of the century, women dried their hair by connecting the hose to the exhaust of their vacuum cleaners. In early models, the front of a vacuum cleaner sucked air in, the back blew air out, and the hose could be attached to either end.  In 1920, the first true hair dryer came on the market, but it was extremely large and heavy, and frequently overheated. Not until 1951 was the first really workable dryer made. The device consisted of a hand-held dryer connected to a pink plastic bonnet fitted over the woman’s head.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Tenth Avenue North has been snap chatting for some time. Now other bands are starting to join in. Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard and Building 429’s Jason Roy both recently announced that they are also on Snapchat.

 

Please keep Casting Crowns front man Mark Hall in your prayers. This weekend will be Casting Crowns first concerts since his kidney surgery. Just this past weekend Mark was forced to go back to bed after taking on a little to much.

 

Chris August will make his debut at the Grand Ole Opry. His first ever performance on the famous stage will take place this Saturday.

 

Aaron Shust had to reschedule his home session online concert this week. He said the broadcast will instead be held on June 30th. Aaron will also have a Christmas album session, featuring his Christmas project, on July the 28th.

 

Rebecca St. James will be part of another movie this summer. The Christian artist and author says her next acting job will be in the new film Faith of Our Fathers. It will release in theaters on July 1.

 

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What started as a good day of golf for Jonny Diaz quickly fell apart. Jonny says he pared 6 of 7 holes before the water hazard did him in. He shared a short video showing his shot from the edge of the water bouncing off the bank and rebounding into a much deeper part of the hazard. The text from Jonny said: This is when it all fell apart.

 

The band Shiloh is asking for your help as the participate in their first ever tour. The are touring right now with 7eventh Time Down and Ryan Stevenson but this week shared that their bus keeps having trouble. We latest difficulty came when they blew up the transmission in Gulch, California. Band members say they we need funds to fix it so they can continue with the tour. If you would be willing to help go to the Shiloh fund raising page: http://www.gofundme.com/shilohmusictour

 

The up and coming band Among The Thirsty is asking for your help. This week someone broke into their trailer, making off with almost $10,000 worth of equipment and rendering the trailer unusable. Unfortunately band members say their insurance doesn’t cover anything. In response a friend of the band started a fund raising page to help Among The Thirsty raise $5,000 to replace some of their items. http://www.gofundme.com/amongthethirsty

 

 

The Jamie Grace foundation auction is now online. The first item on the auction is Jamie’s first vehicle but Jamie says more items will be added daily. A portion of the proceeds from the auction will go to help benefit families through the Jamie Grace foundation. Check out the auction items…

http://www.ebay.com/itm/261853334260?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1555.l2649u

 

 

Francesca Battistelli was living out her song This Is the Stuff this week. She tweeted that her tour bus broke down hours away from the venue, delaying their arrival at the site of their next concert. To make matters worse, her family was scheduled to come into town to spend the day with Francesca. Not a good day to be stranded hours away from where they were going to meet.

 

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard is asking for your prayers. He tweeted: If you guys could be praying for my voice I’d appreciate it! After 8 straight days of shows and writing it is getting pretty ratty!

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Police: ‘Tree Ninja’ caught chopping down tree with a hammer
BOSTON (AP) — Boston police say they have arrested a 65-year-old man they believe is the infamous “Brighton Tree Ninja.” For several years a vandal has been damaging newly planted trees and shrubbery in the city’s Brighton neighborhood. Authorities have been unable to apprehend the…

 

Connect the dots: Minnesota city gets umlauts back on signs    photo
ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) — Minnesota’s Great Umlaut Crisis is over — and without Gov. Mark Dayton having to use his paint and brushes. At Dayton’s order, road crews on Thursday restored the two small dots above the ‘o’ in Lindström (LINDT’-stroom) on two highway signs on the edge of the…
US Sen. Roberts’ ‘Frozen’ ringtone creates hearing hysterics
WASHINGTON (AP) — Sen. Pat Roberts is urging people to “let it go” after his cellphone filled a somber committee hearing room with the first few bars of a song from Disney’s “Frozen.” HASH(0x1397460) Twitter exploded, with the celebrity news focused TMZ and Roberts’ 2014 primary opponent,…
Police: Woman blames coffee-drinking parrot for car crash
UNIONTOWN, Pa. (AP) — State police say a woman blames her coffee-drinking pet parrot for distracting her moments before she crashed her car into a guardrail in Pennsylvania. Troopers from Uniontown say the 35-year-old woman was driving on a South Union Township road just before 5 p.m. Tuesday…
Trucker jailed for days after he couldn’t pay fine is freed
CANONSBURG, Pa. (AP) — A Florida truck driver jailed for days in Pennsylvania because he couldn’t pay a portion of the $17,000 fine he got for driving an overweight rig has been released. Fifty-six-year-old Francisco Amarales-Amarales, of Hialeah, had been jailed since Saturday. Court and…
Prosecutors: NY office worker posed as dentist, pulled teeth    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — An office manager was arraigned Thursday on charges she posed as a dentist when the real dentist was away and seriously injured patients after pulling their teeth, performing root canals on them and injecting their mouths, prosecutors said. Valbona Yzeiraj, who said she…
California man, 95, sets world record as oldest active pilot    photo
PLACERVILLE, Calif. (AP) — A 95-year-old Northern California man has become the world’s oldest active pilot. The Sacramento Bee (http://bit.ly/1yuDpQR ) reported Tuesday that Guinness World Record keepers confirmed that a flight last month by Peter Weber Jr. qualified him for the record book….
Booze clues: Fingerprints on bottle lead to robbery suspect
WILKES-BARRE, Pa. (AP) — Police say a suspect in a Pennsylvania liquor store stick up tripped himself up by leaving fingerprints on a whiskey bottle before pulling a gun and telling a cashier he was robbing the place to help his kids. Pedro Ewing is charged with robbery, retail theft and…
Maine man on the run ends up in mud hole, hits beaver bog
LIMINGTON, Maine (AP) — Maine police say a Baldwin man led them on a short car chase before getting stuck in a mud hole and running into a beaver bog in Limington. The York County Sheriff’s Office says officers tried to stop 47-year-old Stoy Daye’s car for loud exhaust when he drove off and…
Mayor seeks $51,000 raise after cutting predecessor’s salary
RAHWAY, N.J. (AP) — The new mayor of one New Jersey city wants to boost his salary to $72,000 after cutting his predecessor’s to $21,000 when he served on the City Council. Rahway Mayor Samson Steinman says former Mayor Rick Proctor did not work full time. HASH(0x13d48a0) Steinman says he…
Wolverine tries to escape from carrier at New Jersey airport
NEWARK, N.J. (AP) — Authorities say a wolverine tried to escape from its metal carrier at a New Jersey airport and had to be tranquilized. Joe Pentangelo with the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey says officers were called to Terminal C at Newark Liberty International Airport on…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Intersex surgeries spark move away from drastic treatment    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — She was born to a young Chicago couple, named Jennifer, and grew into a beautiful long-lashed child with wavy dark hair, big brown eyes and a yearning, youthful desire to be just like all the other girls. Only she wasn’t. Doctors first noticed her slightly enlarged genitals,…

 

Physicians want Dr. Oz gone from Columbia medical faculty    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Columbia University has not removed TV celebrity doctor Mehmet Oz from his faculty position as a group of top doctors has demanded, citing his “egregious lack of integrity” for promoting what they call “quack treatments.” “Dr. Oz has repeatedly shown disdain for science and…
Study: High school smoking fell as e-cigarette use boomed    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Teen smoking hit a new low last year while the popularity of electronic cigarettes and water pipes boomed, a government report shows. The number of high school students who tried e-cigarettes tripled in one year — to more than 13 percent. Water pipes or hookahs were used…
Financial incentives OK’d for workplace wellness programs    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — In a victory for business, federal regulators said Thursday that employers can continue to use financial penalties and rewards to nudge staff to participate in fast-growing workplace wellness programs. But the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission — which enforces…
Families make videos to reassure patients with dementia    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — For 94-year-old Louise Irving, who suffers from dementia, waking up every day to a video with a familiar face and a familiar voice seems to spark a flicker of recognition. “Good morning, merry sunshine, how did you wake so soon?” Irving’s daughter, Tamara Rusoff-Hoen, sings in…
Study: US moms typically space pregnancies 2½ years apart    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — For U.S. moms, the typical time between pregnancies is about 2½ years but nearly a third of women space their children too close, a government study shows. Experts say mothers should wait at least 18 months to give their body time to recover and increase the chances the next…
Florida governor says he’ll sue Obama over hospital money
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) — Florida Gov. Rick Scott said Thursday he is suing the Obama administration for withholding federal money for hospitals that serve the poor, saying they are doing so because the state won’t expand Medicaid. The announcement is another twist in what has been a gritty…
Disney-linked measles outbreak soon to be over in California    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — A measles outbreak that began at Disneyland and reignited debate about vaccinations is nearing an end. The outbreak will be declared over in California on Friday if no new cases pop up, according to the California Department of Public Health. Disease investigators worked…
Drug strategy agency mixing health, safety proposed in NYC
NEW YORK (AP) — A new drug policy agency would focus as much on health as on policing under a proposal a New York City lawmaker introduced Thursday to shift how the nation’s biggest city approaches illegal drug use. The drug strategy office would advise city leaders on lowering drug-related…
Study: Many Medicare cataract patients given needless tests
Millions of older people are getting tests they don’t need to prove they are healthy enough to have cataracts removed, a new study finds. The excess testing before this quick, ultra-safe eye procedure is costing them and Medicare a bundle, and many patients don’t know they can question it, doctors…
USDA veterinarian: Bird flu outbreak could be ‘devastating’    photo
ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) — The nation’s poultry industry may have to live with a deadly bird flu strain for several years, which would be “devastating,” the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s chief veterinary officer said Thursday. Dr. John Clifford also said that while new cases should drop to…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

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NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NONE ON THE WEEKENDS

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

NONE ON THE WEEKENDS

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Airplane Black Box”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Thor Ramsey, “Hair and Fitness”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Sully the Aardvark was extremely angry at Gruffy Bear for continually breaking promises to play checkers with him. And the bowling team in the tournament, which started this whole mess, doesn’t need Gruffy anymore now either…

 

CLOSE: It’s good that Sully isn’t holding a grudge in all of this – and finding Nozzles to play checkers with is a great idea. But now Gruffy is really depressed about how he acted. Will he be able to make everything right again? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 18/19, 2015
OPEN: When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson learned that, because he ran away to avoid tonsil surgery, that his tonsils got worse and killed him! Other kids also died because they saw Marvy as a hero, and even the entire population of Razzleflabbin Island is now gone because Marvy wasn’t around to keep them from being hit by a giant tidal wave!

 

CLOSE: An entire generation of Snufflesons wiped out because Marvy wouldn’t get his tonsils taken out? What more could possibly go wrong? Tune in next time to find out what happens – as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

What’s the one thing you never ever want to do to a metal pole in the middle of winter? That’s right.

Ambulance crews were called to rescue a seven-year-old Canadian girl after her tongue froze to metal railings. Yup… you heard me right. She stuck her tongue to a below freezing metal railing. Amanda Sharkey was hidden from view on a footbridge in Calgary, panicking that she couldn’t get loose and that no one could see her to rescue her. Fortunately, an engineer eventually spotted her. Paramedics sprayed warm water on the railing to release her. Her mother, Tracy, says: “When the paramedics came, she thought they were coming to cut off her tongue. She’s a very lucky girl.” Amanda says she never thought her tongue would actually stick to the railings. ***MARLAR: Do they not have Christmas movies in Canada?

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON’T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A LUMBERJACK

 

  1. Your “Sierra Club 4 Life” tattoo

 

  1. You spend more time picking splinters out of your hands with your “lucky tweezers” than actually chopping wood.

 

  1. The waxed and polished Ax with a cushioned polyurethane grip and ergonomically correct handle was a dead give away.

 

  1. You think pancakes loaded with syrup are bad for your cholesterol

 

  1. “Flannel? Oh no, sweetheart, this boy does not look good in flannel!”

 

  1. It takes you a week to grow that rugged 5 o’clock shadow.

 

  1. The “truck” you drive is an El Camino.

 

  1. You get out of breath just lifting a “Cheese Log.”

 

  1. You still can’t tell the difference between polka dots and plaid.

 

  1. Maybe if you whistled fewer show tunes

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Taking a nap can sometimes be invigorating… but not if you do it at a stop light.

 

FILE #1: Gregory Tarver was self-employed… sort of. See, he had his own printing business – he liked to print counterfeit money. In fact, he had just printed up around $40,000 in counterfeit bills and they were in his SUV. He also had in his possession a device for cutting the sheets of cash into individual bills. Greg must work really, really hard, because he was so tired that he fell asleep behind the wheel of his SUV while he was stopped at a red light. A police officer awakened Sleeping Beauty, noticed the bills and equipment in the back and Greg was busted.

 

FILE #2: A teenager from Berlin was arrested for driving a bus through a red light. The 18-year-old man not only ran a red light, but he also stole the bus he was driving. But wait, there’s more! Here’s the kicker — he stole the bus and ran the red light because he didn’t want to be late for his court date. He was going to court to face charges for an earlier arrest for leaving the scene of an accident. Police escorted the young man to court, whereupon his original hearing was rescheduled. The justice authority spokesman said the teen deserved some credit. “At least he was on time for court.”

 

FILE #3: The passenger wanted a ride to the jail — and that was just fine with the cabbie. Deputies in Prescott, Ariz., say Jacob Bundy didn’t have the $32 for his cab fare and chased the driver with a knife. Authorities say the driver convinced Bundy to put the knife away and offered to drive the man to a bank. On the way, the cabbie said his deadbeat fare suggested they go to the jail instead.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Youngstown, Ohio, is it illegal to ride on the roof of a taxi.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Beer and bereavement don’t mix.

Sheriff’s deputies said a Texas woman started a brawl at a wake in Arkansas when she arrived with a beer can in her hand. The woman faces a third-degree domestic battery charge, as does another woman who joined the fight. Deputies said the first woman arrived at the Christies Chapel Church with a beer can in hand and that she refused to leave. The first woman then allegedly grabbed a man by the face, leaving scratch marks on his lower right cheek and causing him to bleed. The man’s mother, then allegedly slapped the woman and kicked another woman in the chest. A sheriff’s report claimed the woman with the beer became “passively aggressive” with deputies and said that “no backwood country cop” was going to take her to jail. ***MARLAR: Ironically, that’s the exact thing to say to a backwoods country cop to get taken to jail.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

If we could only deduct ____ our family would NEVER owe taxes…ever!

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What did Jael use to murder Sisera?

ANSWER: A tent peg through his temple (Judges 4:17-21)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What state has the most prisoners on death row and the most Girl Scouts?

ANSWER: California (Gosh, I hope there’s no correlation between the two!)

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. One billion seconds is about 12 years. (False, 32 years)

 

  1. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt are the four US presidents whose faces are carved on Mt. Rushmore. (True)

 

  1. The Tokyo World Lanes Bowling Center is the largest bowling establishment in the world with 252 lanes. (True – and one very tired pinsetter!)

 

  1. There are 2 different versions of the Mona Lisa under the visible one. (False – there are three, according to X-ray technology)

 

  1. The hundred billionth crayon made by Crayola was simply white. (False – Periwinkle Blue)

 

  1. When the Hoovers did not want to be overheard by White House guests, they spoke to each other in Pig-Latin. (False – Chinese)

 

  1. Mageiricophobia is the intense fear of having to cook. (True)

 

  1. When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like “Coca-Cola” when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was “Bite the wax tadpole”. (False – although many believe it’s true.)

 

  1. Grand Rapids, Michigan is the “SpaghettiOs Capital of the World”. (True, because per-capita consumption is highest in that city, per the Franco-American Company. Reportedly, there are more than 1,750 “O’s” in a 15-ounce can of SpaghettiOs.)

 

  1. A black cow is a chocolate soda with chocolate ice cream. (True. The term dates from the Roaring Twenties. Another term for a black cow was a mud fizz.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ZOMBIE ______ (GUN)

The Russians have developed mind-bending ‘psychotronic’ guns that can effectively turn people into zombies.

And Vladimir Putin loves them!!

The futuristic weapons – which will attack the central nervous system of their victims – are being developed by the country’s scientists.

They could be used against Russia’s enemies and, perhaps, its own dissidents by the end of the decade.

Mr Putin added: “Such high-tech weapons systems will be comparable in effect to nuclear weapons, but will be more acceptable in terms of political and military ideology.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage. He whispered to the usher, “This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.” The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”

 

JOKE #2

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.”

 

JOKE #3

A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.  Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop.  The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A New York couple completed a 2,500-mile cab ride to their new home in Arizona.  ***MARLAR: Yep… that’s what you can expect from Springtime road construction and detours.

 

“Hey, doc, did you wash your hands?”  In an era of rising rates of drug-resistant infections and overburdened medical staffs, hygiene experts say the best-protected patients are those willing to take safety into their own hands — by asking health workers to wash theirs – because doctors and nurses are only washing half as often as they should.  ***MARLAR: Even cats and dogs wash themselves up regularly.  How sad is it that we’d be better off with our dogs licking our wounds then letting doctors use a scalpel?

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

JOCK JOKE

My niece visited the radio station the other day… she’s about 4 years old. She was really intrigued with the headphones, and the microphones, and all the cool gadgets that you can find in a radio studio. I thought it’d be fun sit her behind one of the big microphones, put some large headphones on her, and then take her picture for posterity sake. After I got her ready for the picture, I couldn’t help but begin thinking how proud I was that my niece wanted to follow in her uncle’s footsteps. My footsteps! My four-year-old niece wanted to be a radio disc jockey! But then she spoke into the microphone, “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

BLOWING IN THE WIND

A man in Richmond, Virginia, learned that when hauling wood, it’s best to tie it to the top of your car.

…Instead, the 43-year-old man tried to hold it down himself. The man and a friend were attempting to move some wooden fencing by carrying it on top of their van. The one man literally laid on top of the wood on top of the van to hold it down. But while driving 50 mph, you can probably guess what happened to him? He was hospitalized after a gust of wind carried him off the car roof.  ***MARLAR: They were originally arguing about whose fence it truly was when the driver said, “I’ll flip you for it.”

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

When it hurts to look back, and you’re scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.

 

Good friends are like stars…. you don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.

 

Don’t frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.

 

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

 

Everything is okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WHO’S WANT TO BE JOE?

Read: Genesis 39:1-21

The Lord was with him; He showed him kindness and granted him favor. –Genesis 39:21

Joe’s family was a mess. His father had 12 children by four different women–two of whom he was married to, and two of whom were the maids of one of his wives. In addition, Joe’s dad had spent lots of years on the outs with Joe’s uncle. Would YOU want to be Joe?

Let’s continue… Joe’s only sister was assaulted by an outsider, who had the nerve to turn around and ask if he could marry her. Some of her brothers were so angry that they killed the offending man and all his friends and relatives.

For Joe, who stayed out of that mess, the real problem came later when it was discovered that his father liked him more than all the other 11 brothers. Since killing people was not beyond them, they plotted to do away with Joe. Fortunately, they just sold him to some people from another country. Then they went home and lied about it.

With such experiences happening to Joe, you can probably imagine what a mess he turned out to be. So what happened to Joe? Did he:

  • Become a serial killer?
  • Marry and divorce several times?
  • Become a druggie to try to dull the pain of his dysfunctional family?
  • Become second-in-command over his new country and rescue that country from a famine?

If you know the story of Joseph in Genesis, you caught that he was not a person who complained about his circumstances and got himself into trouble. No, Joseph continued to trust and obey God–and overcame his seriously flawed background.

What an example! We all have things in our past we can blame if our life blows out of control. We can say, “My dad was too harsh,” or “My mom didn’t take good care of me.” But ultimately the only person responsible for us is us.

No matter what the circumstance, Joseph continued to depend on God and to do the right thing. He obeyed his father, and after he had been sent to Egypt he refused the advances of Potiphar’s wife. As a result, “the Lord was with him; He showed him kindness and granted him favor” (39:21).

Who’d want to be Joe? No one would want the trouble he had. But we should all want to be the kind of God-honoring person he became despite those troubles. Like Joseph, we need to do what is right–no matter what.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE (APPROPRIATE AFTER “TAX DAY,” DON’T YOU THINK?!)

  • American Express calls and says: “Please leave home without it!”
  • Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
  • You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a deep and loving bond with Abe Lincoln.
  • Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.
  • You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
  • Your rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
  • You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
  • Your bologna has no first name.
  • You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice and cookies.
  • Sally Struthers sends you food.
  • McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
  • At communion you go back for seconds.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

LAZINESS EXTENDS YOUR LIFESPAN

Forget all that “nose to the grindstone” trash that’s been stuffed down your throat ever since you were a kid. A couch-potato lifestyle, free of stress, is definitely the way to go, say medical researchers Peter Axt and Michaela Axt Gadermann. In their book, “The Joy of Laziness: Why Life Is Better Slower, and How to Get There,” the authors prove that goofing off more and exercising less will make you smarter, younger looking, less cranky and more loveable. The German doctors developed a 5-step plan to lazy up and lengthen your life span.

  • Forget long-distance running — marathon athletes often die at an early age from heart attacks. Switch to a brisk but easy stroll several times a week to boost circulation.
  • If you live in a northern climate, think about moving south. Warm weather and sunshine dispel depression and alleviate stress.
  • Sleep in whenever possible. Long hours in bed pump up your immune system so your body can fight viruses and disease.
  • Combat the aging process by slowing down your metabolism with an occasional daily fast. Even digesting food can take a lot out of you.
  • Relax your brain by hanging out for a day doing absolutely nothing more strenuous than channel surfing. Do it as often as you can.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

RIBBIT BOOM

Helpful hints on how to make toads explode!

If it weren’t for the fact that this is not April 1st, I would swear this next story is an April Fool’s Day joke. According to a German researcher, cars passing toads on the road (even if they don’t actually touch the toads) can make the amphibians explode! (See, I told you this sounded like an April fool’s joke.) Apparently, the air pressure created when a car goes whizzing by, forming a wind tunnel, decreases the outside pressure around the toad, making them expand, and KA-BOOM! The faster the car travels, the more likely this is to happen. The researcher says speeds as little as 20mph can cause toads to explode – and he’s calling for speed limits and toad-crossing signs.

 

 

FUN LIST

METRIC CLICHÉS

Some believe that the world converting to the metric system would greatly simplify our lives. However, look what such a transition would do to our old time-tested clichés:

  • Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.
  • Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
  • A miss is as good as a 1.6 kilometers.
  • Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
  • Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
  • Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.

Wise Guy

Once upon a time there was a worker who was unhappy with his lot in life. Specifically, his job. It seemed like he had hit his advancement ceiling. His neighbor was likewise unhappy with his work. He needed something new and invigorating to revitalize his career. Oddly, the neighbor across the street was hurting because someone decided he was no longer a fit for the company. He was unhappy because he was unemployed.
Now, a fourth neighbor on the block wasn’t unhappy with her work at all. As a matter of fact, she was just offered a remarkable opportunity. But she lacked the right information to help her make a wise decision.
All four of these valuable workforce members had something in common. They were ripe for some wise counsel from the very creative, bestselling author Jon Acuff. Actually, they just needed his new book, Do Over.
I had Jon Acuff as a guest on my talk show this past week. It was the very day of his book release. Do Over focuses on how to build a “career savings account.” As Jon sees it, virtually everyone in the work world will face a “Career Bump,” a “Career Jump,” a “Career Ceiling” or a “Career Opportunity.” All of these would benefit greatly from learning key techniques to advancing the next step. It is a good read.
I first came across Jon Acuff as I was looking over his tongue-in-cheek writing on Stuff Christians Like. Jon has a fine sense of humor and is capable of delivering serious material in a not-so-serious way. His presentations fit the same bill.
Acuff was on the team of Dave Ramsey for a few years. Then he made his own career jump. No real warning. No big opporunity waiting. He claims it was just right time for such a move. Apparently, he likes risk. Truth be told, he was still in the throes of having a New York Times bestseller, Start.
I heard Jon deliver an excellent presentation at the weeklong course of Ramsey’s called Entre Leadership. Few speakers have such good command of an audience. His talent has been well groomed.
Certain writers and speakers have a treasured gift of giving others hope and encouragement. The sum of that encouragement often exceeds the technical quality of the message. What I mean by that can be illustrated by my former Sunday School teacher, Zig Ziglar.
Zig was not teaching rocket science. Neither is Jon. Zig was about “folksy” and real life, told in stories. Jon Acuff is a story teller as well. But the impact of the message by both of these message senders is borne out extremely well with audiences. TED talks demonstrate this. They are a form of masterful communication.
Delivering hope and encouragement, with life changing results, requires something else. One must challenge the status quo. People who genuinely want a better life must face both truth and a change of pattern or habits. You can love a new way of thinking but do you love it enough to embrace the changes required … whatever form that takes?
The very best at this was none other than the Creator of all humankind. He is more commonly referred to as Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus and His parables are legendary. His words are still changing lives every single day. Many could not, and cannot, bear up under His revolutionary style.
But who better to follow? After one of His more difficult sessions, this followed: “At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him. Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, ‘Are you also going to leave?’ Simon Peter replied, ‘Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life.’”  (John 6:66-68, NLT)
Are you learning from the wisdom teachers? Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough pull up another TED talk … or read their Bibles. 

As Mr. Miyagi would say: Banzai, Daniel-san! Banzai!

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HEIGHTEN YOUR FIVE SENSES

(Men’s Health) Sense-sharpening brain implants are decades away. Until then, use these simple tricks:

  • Touch — Look at the body part that’s doing the touching. A British study found that looking at the body part increase activity in the area of the brain that controls sensation. The reverse works, too. Look away when receiving a shot.
  • Hearing — Simply smile. The muscles that turn your frown upside down also tense your middle-ear muscles. In turn, this softens low-frequency noises including the hum of an air conditioner, the din of traffic, or office chatter, by as much as 20 decibels.
  • Taste — Take a good whiff of your food before you eat. “Ninety percent of taste is smell,” says Alan Hirsch, M.D., a neurologist. “The more odor molecules hit receptors in your nose, the more robust your sense of taste.”
  • Smell — Run the hot water. Before odors reach your smell receptors, they first pass through a membrane. Warm, moist air helps odors dissolve into the membrane. But hurry, your heightened sense will last only a few minutes.
  • Sight — Position your computer monitor so you’re looking slightly down at it. Your eyes won’t be open as wide, so they won’t be exposed to as much cornea-drying air. That means less eye strain and blurring and better vision.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I had to finally break down and do my taxes yesterday. Evidently my whole leave-it-out-and-the-little-people-will-do-it-for-me-while-I-sleep-paradigm wasn’t nearly proactive enough for the IRS. –Chris MacEachen

 

If everybody’s thinking alike, somebody isn’t thinking. —Anonymous

 

Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance. –Anonymous

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 17, 2015…

 

Unfriended—Another film with found footage, the story is about the past year, when a high school student commits suicide from being bullied. A year later, friends (and not so friendly people) are online when someone interrupts and says they will eventually die. What to do? Stars Heather Sossaman. Another working title was “Cyper Natural.” “Unfriended” is rated R. No rating.

 

Monkey Kingdom—This movie is a Disney Nature documentary about a family of Toque Macaque monkeys living in jungles near Laos and have to move when hostile monkeys come along. The mother takes her babies (including one called “Kip”),  to a new location and it is a dangerous journey. “Monkey Kingdom” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for nature fans. Narrator is Tina Fey.

 

Child 44 (opening in select cities)—Based on Tom Rob Smith’s novel of  2008, it has Tom Hardy starring as a Russian police detective who gets involved in a case of murdered children under the Stalin regime. Also in the cast are Noomi Rapace, Vincent Cassel and Joel Kinneman. “Child 44” is rated R. No rating.

 

Paul Blart: Mall Cop—Kevin James co-wrote this film that continues the adventures of his character, Paul Blart, Mall Cop. This time, Paul is doing security in Las Vegas and, of course, gets into many adventures. The first film was a hit. The cast includes Neal McDonaugh, David Henne and Raini Rodriguez. “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of Kevin James.

 

Clouds of Sils Maria (opening in select cities)—This film is really a study of three women working to put on a play by a noted playwright. Juliette Binoche is seen as the lead actress in a younger role and then studying for an older role in the same play, while Kristen Stewart is her assistant and Chloe Grace Morentz is auditioning for the role that Juliette used to play. How gracefully do people age, especially those in front of the spotlight?  “Clouds of Sils Maria” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

True Story—Based on the memoir by newspaperman Michael Finkel, this is the story of convicted murderer Christian Longo, who killed his wife and three children in Oregon, then escaped to Mexico. Finkel was an alias he used. James Franco stars as Longo, with Jonah Hill as Michael Finkel, and Gretchen Moi. “True Story” is rated R. No rating.

 

 

APRIL 24, 2015…

 

Little Boy is a story of a child during WWII who decides he wants to end the war.

 

The Water Diviner has the directing debut of actor Russell Crowe as a farmer in central Europe, trying to find his sons in a war.

 

Infinitely Polar Bear (opening in select cities) is a Mark Ruffalo comedy about married life with children.

 

The Age Of Adaline  is a romance film that stars Blake Lively as a woman who doesn’t age.

 

Ex Machina is a science fiction film about making a robot that is almost human. Stars Domhnall Gleeson.

 

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.