April 19, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160419

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I was at the post office the other day and had to make a couple of copies for my tax returns.  Where else but the post office would they bolt a copy machine to the floor that doesn’t work?

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. –Matthew 7:24-25

 

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. — Romans 13:8

 

These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ. — Colossians 2:17

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” — Galatians 4:6

 

Thought: The first vocalizations of many babies are the syllables “ab, ab, ba, ba.” Not surprisingly in Jesus’ day, that was the name babies used for their fathers. When God saved us, he gave us his Spirit. The Holy Spirit blesses us in many ways, but one of the key blessings is his work with us in prayer. He intercedes for us when words won’t do (Romans 8:26-27) and he helps us approach God with familiarity, dependency, and respect as we call God our Abba.

 

Prayer: Abba Father, thank you so much for loving me, saving me, and inviting me into your family. Thank you for the Holy Spirit, who is helping me right now as I share my thoughts, words, and emotions with you. Thank you, dear Father, for giving me the power to be what you want me to be. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Philippians 4:19 NIV = And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

 

 

TODAY IS TUESDAY – APRIL 19, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 249 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is SNAKES RETURN TO IRELAND DAY.  ***MARLAR: I had no idea the IRS was even based in Ireland, did you?

 

Today is NATIONAL GARLIC DAY.  ***MARLAR: Perfect for keeping away vampires, co-workers, and members of the opposite sex.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Bicycle Day

Education and Sharing Day

John Parker Day

National Garlic Day

National Hanging Out Day

Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day

National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20

Chinese Language Day

International Cli-Fi Day

National Cheddar Fries Day

National Pot Smokers Day

 

THURSDAY, APRIL 21

Bulldogs are Beautiful Day

High Five Day

National Ask An Atheist Day

National D.A.R.E. Day

Kindergarten Day

National Chocolate-Covered Cashews Day

National Surprise Drug Test Day (***How can it be a surprise if we know today is National Surprise Drug Test Day?)

Queen’s Birthday

 

FRIDAY, APRIL 22

Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day

Earth Day

Girl Scout Leaders Day

Global Selfie Earth Day (NASA)

“In God We Trust” Day

Mother Earth Day

National Jelly Bean Day

Passover

Satchmo Days (22-24)

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 23

English Language Day

Impossible Astronaut Day

National Dance Day

National Lost Dog Awareness Day

Movie Theater Day

Talk Like Shakespeare Day

World Book & Copyright Day

World Book Night

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 24

Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day

National Pet Parents’ Day

Pinhole Photography Day

Mother, Father Deaf Day

New Kids On The Block Day

World Meningitis Day

 

MONDAY, APRIL 25

DNA Day
Eeyore’s Birthday

Hairstylists Appreciation Day

Hug a Plumber Day (Plumbers Day)

International Marconi Day

License Plates Day

National Mani-Pedi Day

Malaria Awareness Day

Parental Alienation Day

Red Hat Society Day

Save the Frogs Day

Sense of Smell Day

Spring Astronomy Day

World Day for Animals in Laboratories

World Penguin Day

 

TUESDAY, APRIL 26

Audubon Day

Hug An Australian Day

National Help a Horse Day

National Kids and Pets Day

National Pretzel Day

Richter Scale Day

World Intellectual Property Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1927: Actress Mae West was convicted of “indecent behavior” in her Broadway production of “Sex.” She was sentenced to 10 days in jail and fined $500. ***MARLAR: Nowadays the production would probably be rated G.

 

1956: Prince Rainier III married American actress Grace Kelly, transforming her into Princess Grace of Monaco.

 

1980: For the first time in history, women took the top five spots on Billboard’s country music chart. #1: Crystal Gayle, “It’s Like We Never Said Goodbye.” #2: Dottie West, “A Lesson In Leavin’.” #3: Debby Boone, “Are You on the Road to Lovin’.” #4: Tammy Wynette (with George Jones), “Two Story House,” #5: Emmylou Harris, “Beneath Still Waters.”

 

1985: In Berkeley Township, New Jersey, Central Regional High School’s Al Leiter used an 85-mile-an-hour fastball to strike out 32 batters on the way to a 0-0 tie! The game was called after 13 innings because, in Leiter’s words, “I have to go screw my arm back in place.”

 

1988: Chinese radio began playing western pop music for the first time, ranging from Glenn Miller to Madonna. “Roll Over Beethoven” was banned for being disrespectful to Beethoven.

 

1988: Sonny Bono was sworn in as mayor of Palm Springs, California.

 

1990: Fearing his staff of eight lawyers and seven Ph.D.s was too brainy, Vice President Dan Quayle told them to start reading People magazine to get in touch with the real world. ***MARLAR: Even worse, in the memo he spelled “People” P-E-O-P-L.

 

1994: A California court ordered the city of Los Angeles to pay Rodney King $3.8-million in damages for a 1991 beating by police. ***MARLAR: But he blew it all and came back with “Can’t we all get a loan?”

 

1995: A museum in The Hague paid $25-thousand at a London auction for a 300-year-old bird egg. The 15-inch egg, one of history’s largest, was laid by the now-extinct Madagascan Great Elephant Bird. ***MARLAR: It became extinct after hanging itself to death on a tree limb from its nose.

 

1996: At the site where the Murrah federal building once stood, hundreds of mourners paused for 168 seconds of silence on the first anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing that killed 168 and injured another 500.

 

1998: A British inventor who couldn’t stand the smell of his grandson’s sneakers invented a sneaker with a refillable deodorant reservoir in the heel. He claimed sneakers remained odor free while undergoing rigorous sniff testing. ***MARLAR: This shoe inspected by nose #2…

 

2001: A 24-year-old German man climbed down a 50-foot-deep unused well to retrieve his mobile phone on the grounds of a mediaeval castle at Stolberg. He got the phone, but then got stuck and had to use it to call for help. Emergency workers pulled the man from the well . He was not injured.

 

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany was elected pope. He took the name Benedict-the-16th.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

526: Justinian I is crowned Roman Emperor in Constantinople’s magnificent cathedral, the Santa Sophia. Attempting to restore political and religious unity in the eastern and western empires, he ruthlessly attacked pagans and heretics and created the Code of Justinian, a massive restructuring of law (including much regarding the relationship of church and state) that would be the basis of legislation for nearly a millennium.

 

1054: Pope Leo IX dies. Because Leo refused the title of Ecumenical Patriarch to Michael Cerularius (Patriarch of Constantinople) and demanded recognition of the filioque clause (the western addition to the Nicene creed that asserts “the Holy Ghost . . . proceeds from the Father and the Son), he is usually assigned responsibility for the final break between Eastern and Western Christianity, though the conventional date for the schism is July 16.

 

1529: In Germany at the Diet of Spires (Speyer), a document signed by Lutheran leaders in fourteen cities lodged a “protest” which demanded a freedom of conscience and the right of minorities. Henceforth, the German Lutheran Reformers were known as “Protestants.”

 

1560: German reformer Philip Melanchthon dies. The leader of the German reformation after the death of his friend, Martin Luther, Melanchthon composed the Augsburg Confession of 1530. Much more a peacemaker than Luther, he called for Lutherans and Zwinglians to put aside their differences for the sake of the reformation of the church. In addition, he led extensive efforts to develop the German educational system, for which he has been called “the teacher of Germany.”

 

1823: Birth of Anna L. Waring, Welsh Anglican hymnwriter. “In Heavenly Love Abiding” is one of her best-known hymns, and is still sung today.

 

1887: The Catholic University of America was chartered in Washington, D.C.

 

1930: American pioneer linguist Frank C. Laubach, while serving as a missionary in the Philippines, wrote in a letter: “Fellowship with God is like a delicate little plant, for a long nurturing is the price of having it, while it vanishes in a second of time, as soon as we try to seat some other unworthy affection beside Him.”

 

1941: Robert F. Wagner, Sr. introduced a resolution in the U.S. Senate stating that U.S. policy should favor the “restoration of the Jews in Palestine.” The resolution was supported by 68 Senators.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Star Wars: Episodes I, II and III) Hayden Christensen, 35
  • Actress (How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days; Almost Famous – daughter to Goldie Hawn) Kate Hudson, 37
  • Actor (Harry Osborn in the Spider-Man movies) James Franco, 38
  • Actress (“Spin City,” Don’t Say a Word, Louann ‘Crystal’ Turner on “Judging Amy”, “Blue Bloods”) Jennifer Esposito, 44 (audio clip)
  • Actress (Double Jeopardy, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Kiss the Girls) Ashley Judd, 48
  • Actor (Hunt For Red October, The Three Musketeers, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Muppet Treasure Island) Tim Curry, 70

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1892 : Germaine Tailleferre

1934 : Dickie Goodman

1941 : Bobby Russell

1942 : Alan Price (The Animals)

1947 : Mark Volman (The Turtles, Flo and Eddie, Mothers of Invention)

1956 : Rod Morgenstein (Winger)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Where did the hair dryer come from?

The first hair dryer was the vacuum cleaner! Around the turn of the century, women dried their hair by connecting the hose to the exhaust of their vacuum cleaners. In early models, the front of a vacuum cleaner sucked air in, the back blew air out, and the hose could be attached to either end.  In 1920, the first true hair dryer came on the market, but it was extremely large and heavy, and frequently overheated. Not until 1951 was the first really workable dryer made. The device consisted of a hand-held dryer connected to a pink plastic bonnet fitted over the woman’s head.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Two high-speed trains were delayed in Central China by lines of pebbles placed on the tracks by four school kids. Conductors hit the brakes after a train rolled over the rocks and a whizzing shard cracked one of its windows.  ***Let’s recap… a cow, a car, or a person on the tracks is no problem whatsoever and the train roars right through, but heaven forbid a few pebbles land on the tracks.

 

A study predicts that Lake Mead, a key source of water for more than 22 million people in the Southwest, will be dry by 2021 if warming continues and water use is not curtailed.  ***On the plus side, once it dries up, Hoover Dam is going to be an awesome skateboarding park!

 

A plane approaching Heathrow Airport is believed to have hit a drone before it landed safely. The British Airways flight was hit as it approached the London airport with 132 passengers and five crew on board. After landing, the pilot reported an object — believed to be a drone — had struck the front of the Airbus A320. Aviation police based at Heathrow have launched an investigation. ***Way to go, jerk – you just pushed back pizza deliveries via drone by at least five years.

 

Donald Trump is the least liked (popular) presidential candidate since David Duke.  ***Vote Donald Trump – just barely more popular than a former leader of the KKK!

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Hey parents!  If you’re going to tell your teens they can’t text and drive, that means you can’t do it either!   A study released by The Pew Research Center’s Internet & American Life Project says adults and teenagers are equally likely to have texted while driving. And adults are more likely to have chatted on their phones while driving.  The study found that 47 percent of adults who text reported sending or reading texts while behind the wheel. ***MARLAR: I was so interested in this information I had to pull over and finish reading the article on my mobile phone!

 

Want to fight breast cancer?  Grab a handful of walnuts!  According to a study from the Marshall University School of Medicine, adding two ounces of walnuts to your diet may be one of your best defenses against breast cancer.  In the study, mice that were fed the equivalent of what would be two ounces of walnuts per day for humans showed a delay in tumor growth as well as fewer and smaller tumors.  ***MARLAR: So the big question is… which candy bars have walnuts?

 

You’ve got the youngster in the cart and they spot something on the shelves and gotta have it.  Researchers from Yale University announced the results of a small study, which confirmed that; to children at least, food that’s marketed with cartoons tastes better.  Forty children from the New Haven, Connecticut area were asked to do a taste test of gummy fruit snacks, graham crackers and baby carrots. One bite came from food in a plain package with a simple label, and one bite came from a similar package that also had a Dora the Explorer, Shrek or a Scooby Doo sticker on the front.   Both packages had the same brand of snack, but the children consistently said that the food from packages with cartoons tasted better, according to the study just published in the journal Pediatrics.   Children in the study were aged 4-6, and most of them could name the cartoon characters used in the study. Ninety percent of the children recognized Dora the Explorer, 77 percent recognized Scooby Doo and 60 percent of them recognized Shrek. ***MARLAR: Things sure change when you grow up, don’t they?  Now I know things taste better if I see the words “Betty Crocker”.

 

It won’t be nearly as much fun as eating candy bars, but a big study is being launched to see if pills containing the nutrients in dark chocolate can help prevent heart attacks and strokes.  The pills are so packed with nutrients that you’d have to eat a gazillion candy bars to get the amount being tested in this study.  ***MARLAR: Forget the pills study – I want to sign up for the study that lets us eat a gazillion candy bars.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “911 Emergency”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Rich Praytor, “Disneyland Burgers”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, a small badger sold fancy shoes to all of the jungle animals (and me), promising each of us that we’d be the envy of all of our friends.  We weren’t.  So we all went out and bought fancier shoes without the others knowing – so again, none of us were the envy of the jungle.  Now Millard is trying to buy fancier shoes yet…

 

CLOSE: I am never going to complain that my wife buys too many shoes ever again.  These things don’t even match my checkerboard socks.  That’s it… I’m done.  Sounds like the jungle animals are too.  We’re all broke, and we all have…well let’s face it, ridiculous looking shoes.  Just wait until Millard finds out.  And he will… next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 23/24

 

OPEN: FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, everybody was so caught up in their own talents, voices, and instrument playing that nobody was making beautiful music together… because nobody was together at all!  In fact, even all of the band members wanted to do their own solos!  Everyone wanted their own spotlight.

 

CLOSE: Okay, I think we’ve gone just about as far with this solo-thing as we can go.  If individual piano keys and individual guitar strings won’t play together, what’s left?  Find out next time – As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

What’s the one thing you never ever want to do to a metal pole in the middle of winter? That’s right.

Ambulance crews were called to rescue a seven-year-old Canadian girl after her tongue froze to metal railings. Yup… you heard me right. She stuck her tongue to a below freezing metal railing. Amanda Sharkey was hidden from view on a footbridge in Calgary, panicking that she couldn’t get loose and that no one could see her to rescue her. Fortunately, an engineer eventually spotted her. Paramedics sprayed warm water on the railing to release her. Her mother, Tracy, says: “When the paramedics came, she thought they were coming to cut off her tongue. She’s a very lucky girl.” Amanda says she never thought her tongue would actually stick to the railings. ***MARLAR: Do they not have Christmas movies in Canada?

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON’T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A LUMBERJACK

 

  1. Your “Sierra Club 4 Life” tattoo

 

  1. You spend more time picking splinters out of your hands with your “lucky tweezers” than actually chopping wood.

 

  1. The waxed and polished Ax with a cushioned polyurethane grip and ergonomically correct handle was a dead give away.

 

  1. You think pancakes loaded with syrup are bad for your cholesterol

 

  1. “Flannel? Oh no, sweetheart, this boy does not look good in flannel!”

 

  1. It takes you a week to grow that rugged 5 o’clock shadow.

 

  1. The “truck” you drive is an El Camino.

 

  1. You get out of breath just lifting a “Cheese Log.”

 

  1. You still can’t tell the difference between polka dots and plaid.

 

  1. Maybe if you whistled fewer show tunes

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Taking a nap can sometimes be invigorating… but not if you do it at a stop light.

 

FILE #1: Gregory Tarver was self-employed… sort of. See, he had his own printing business – he liked to print counterfeit money. In fact, he had just printed up around $40,000 in counterfeit bills and they were in his SUV. He also had in his possession a device for cutting the sheets of cash into individual bills. Greg must work really, really hard, because he was so tired that he fell asleep behind the wheel of his SUV while he was stopped at a red light. A police officer awakened Sleeping Beauty, noticed the bills and equipment in the back and Greg was busted.

 

FILE #2: A teenager from Berlin was arrested for driving a bus through a red light. The 18-year-old man not only ran a red light, but he also stole the bus he was driving. But wait, there’s more! Here’s the kicker — he stole the bus and ran the red light because he didn’t want to be late for his court date. He was going to court to face charges for an earlier arrest for leaving the scene of an accident. Police escorted the young man to court, whereupon his original hearing was rescheduled. The justice authority spokesman said the teen deserved some credit. “At least he was on time for court.”

 

FILE #3: The passenger wanted a ride to the jail — and that was just fine with the cabbie. Deputies in Prescott, Ariz., say Jacob Bundy didn’t have the $32 for his cab fare and chased the driver with a knife. Authorities say the driver convinced Bundy to put the knife away and offered to drive the man to a bank. On the way, the cabbie said his deadbeat fare suggested they go to the jail instead.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Youngstown, Ohio, is it illegal to ride on the roof of a taxi.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Beer and bereavement don’t mix.

Sheriff’s deputies said a Texas woman started a brawl at a wake in Arkansas when she arrived with a beer can in her hand. The woman faces a third-degree domestic battery charge, as does another woman who joined the fight.  Deputies said the first woman arrived at the Christies Chapel Church with a beer can in hand and that she refused to leave.  The first woman then allegedly grabbed a man by the face, leaving scratch marks on his lower right cheek and causing him to bleed. The man’s mother, then allegedly slapped the woman and kicked another woman in the chest.  A sheriff’s report claimed the woman with the beer became “passively aggressive” with deputies and said that “no backwood country cop” was going to take her to jail.  ***MARLAR: Ironically, that’s the exact thing to say to a backwoods country cop to get taken to jail.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

If only ____ was tax deductibe, our family would NEVER owe taxes…ever!

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What did Jael use to murder Sisera?

ANSWER: A tent peg through his temple (Judges 4:17-21)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What state has the most prisoners on death row and the most Girl Scouts?

ANSWER: California (Gosh, I hope there’s no correlation between the two!)

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. One billion seconds is about 12 years. (False, 32 years)

 

  1. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt are the four US presidents whose faces are carved on Mt. Rushmore. (True)

 

  1. The Tokyo World Lanes Bowling Center is the largest bowling establishment in the world with 252 lanes. (True – and one very tired pinsetter!)

 

  1. There are 2 different versions of the Mona Lisa under the visible one. (False – there are three, according to X-ray technology)

 

  1. The hundred billionth crayon made by Crayola was simply white. (False – Periwinkle Blue)

 

  1. When the Hoovers did not want to be overheard by White House guests, they spoke to each other in Pig-Latin. (False – Chinese)

 

  1. Mageiricophobia is the intense fear of having to cook. (True)

 

  1. When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like “Coca-Cola” when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was “Bite the wax tadpole”. (False – although many believe it’s true.)

 

  1. Grand Rapids, Michigan is the “SpaghettiOs Capital of the World”. (True, because per-capita consumption is highest in that city, per the Franco-American Company. Reportedly, there are more than 1,750 “O’s” in a 15-ounce can of SpaghettiOs.)

 

  1. A black cow is a chocolate soda with chocolate ice cream. (True. The term dates from the Roaring Twenties. Another term for a black cow was a mud fizz.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ZOMBIE ______ (GUN)

The Russians have developed mind-bending ‘psychotronic’ guns that can effectively turn people into zombies.

And Vladimir Putin loves them!!

The futuristic weapons – which will attack the central nervous system of their victims – are being developed by the country’s scientists.

They could be used against Russia’s enemies and, perhaps, its own dissidents by the end of the decade.

Mr Putin added: “Such high-tech weapons systems will be comparable in effect to nuclear weapons, but will be more acceptable in terms of political and military ideology.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage. He whispered to the usher, “This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.” The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”

 

JOKE #2

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.”

 

JOKE #3

A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.  Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop.  The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A New York couple completed a 2,500-mile cab ride to their new home in Arizona.  ***MARLAR: Yep… that’s what you can expect from Springtime road construction and detours.

 

“Hey, doc, did you wash your hands?”  In an era of rising rates of drug-resistant infections and overburdened medical staffs, hygiene experts say the best-protected patients are those willing to take safety into their own hands — by asking health workers to wash theirs – because doctors and nurses are only washing half as often as they should.  ***MARLAR: Even cats and dogs wash themselves up regularly.  How sad is it that we’d be better off with our dogs licking our wounds then letting doctors use a scalpel?

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

JOCK JOKE

My niece visited the radio station the other day… she’s about 4 years old. She was really intrigued with the headphones, and the microphones, and all the cool gadgets that you can find in a radio studio. I thought it’d be fun sit her behind one of the big microphones, put some large headphones on her, and then take her picture for posterity sake. After I got her ready for the picture, I couldn’t help but begin thinking how proud I was that my niece wanted to follow in her uncle’s footsteps. My footsteps! My four-year-old niece wanted to be a radio disc jockey! But then she spoke into the microphone, “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

BLOWING IN THE WIND

A man in Richmond, Virginia, learned that when hauling wood, it’s best to tie it to the top of your car.

…Instead, the 43-year-old man tried to hold it down himself. The man and a friend were attempting to move some wooden fencing by carrying it on top of their van. The one man literally laid on top of the wood on top of the van to hold it down. But while driving 50 mph, you can probably guess what happened to him? He was hospitalized after a gust of wind carried him off the car roof.  ***MARLAR: They were originally arguing about whose fence it truly was when the driver said, “I’ll flip you for it.”

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

When it hurts to look back, and you’re scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.

 

Good friends are like stars…. you don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.

 

Don’t frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.

 

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

 

Everything is okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WHO’S WANT TO BE JOE?

Read: Genesis 39:1-21

The Lord was with him; He showed him kindness and granted him favor. –Genesis 39:21

Joe’s family was a mess. His father had 12 children by four different women–two of whom he was married to, and two of whom were the maids of one of his wives. In addition, Joe’s dad had spent lots of years on the outs with Joe’s uncle. Would YOU want to be Joe?

Let’s continue… Joe’s only sister was assaulted by an outsider, who had the nerve to turn around and ask if he could marry her. Some of her brothers were so angry that they killed the offending man and all his friends and relatives.

For Joe, who stayed out of that mess, the real problem came later when it was discovered that his father liked him more than all the other 11 brothers. Since killing people was not beyond them, they plotted to do away with Joe. Fortunately, they just sold him to some people from another country. Then they went home and lied about it.

With such experiences happening to Joe, you can probably imagine what a mess he turned out to be. So what happened to Joe? Did he:

  • Become a serial killer?
  • Marry and divorce several times?
  • Become a druggie to try to dull the pain of his dysfunctional family?
  • Become second-in-command over his new country and rescue that country from a famine?

If you know the story of Joseph in Genesis, you caught that he was not a person who complained about his circumstances and got himself into trouble. No, Joseph continued to trust and obey God–and overcame his seriously flawed background.

What an example! We all have things in our past we can blame if our life blows out of control. We can say, “My dad was too harsh,” or “My mom didn’t take good care of me.” But ultimately the only person responsible for us is us.

No matter what the circumstance, Joseph continued to depend on God and to do the right thing. He obeyed his father, and after he had been sent to Egypt he refused the advances of Potiphar’s wife. As a result, “the Lord was with him; He showed him kindness and granted him favor” (39:21).

Who’d want to be Joe? No one would want the trouble he had. But we should all want to be the kind of God-honoring person he became despite those troubles. Like Joseph, we need to do what is right–no matter what.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE (APPROPRIATE AFTER “TAX DAY,” DON’T YOU THINK?!)

  • American Express calls and says: “Please leave home without it!”
  • Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
  • You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a deep and loving bond with Abe Lincoln.
  • Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.
  • You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
  • Your rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
  • You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
  • Your bologna has no first name.
  • You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice and cookies.
  • Sally Struthers sends you food.
  • McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
  • At communion you go back for seconds.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

LAZINESS EXTENDS YOUR LIFESPAN

Forget all that “nose to the grindstone” trash that’s been stuffed down your throat ever since you were a kid. A couch-potato lifestyle, free of stress, is definitely the way to go, say medical researchers Peter Axt and Michaela Axt Gadermann. In their book, “The Joy of Laziness: Why Life Is Better Slower, and How to Get There,” the authors prove that goofing off more and exercising less will make you smarter, younger looking, less cranky and more loveable. The German doctors developed a 5-step plan to lazy up and lengthen your life span.

  • Forget long-distance running — marathon athletes often die at an early age from heart attacks. Switch to a brisk but easy stroll several times a week to boost circulation.
  • If you live in a northern climate, think about moving south. Warm weather and sunshine dispel depression and alleviate stress.
  • Sleep in whenever possible. Long hours in bed pump up your immune system so your body can fight viruses and disease.
  • Combat the aging process by slowing down your metabolism with an occasional daily fast. Even digesting food can take a lot out of you.
  • Relax your brain by hanging out for a day doing absolutely nothing more strenuous than channel surfing. Do it as often as you can.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

RIBBIT BOOM

Helpful hints on how to make toads explode!

If it weren’t for the fact that this is not April 1st, I would swear this next story is an April Fool’s Day joke. According to a German researcher, cars passing toads on the road (even if they don’t actually touch the toads) can make the amphibians explode! (See, I told you this sounded like an April fool’s joke.) Apparently, the air pressure created when a car goes whizzing by, forming a wind tunnel, decreases the outside pressure around the toad, making them expand, and KA-BOOM! The faster the car travels, the more likely this is to happen. The researcher says speeds as little as 20mph can cause toads to explode – and he’s calling for speed limits and toad-crossing signs.

 

 

FUN LIST

METRIC CLICHÉS

Some believe that the world converting to the metric system would greatly simplify our lives. However, look what such a transition would do to our old time-tested clichés:

  • Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.
  • Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
  • A miss is as good as a 1.6 kilometers.
  • Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
  • Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
  • Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HEIGHTEN YOUR FIVE SENSES

(Men’s Health) Sense-sharpening brain implants are decades away. Until then, use these simple tricks:

  • Touch — Look at the body part that’s doing the touching. A British study found that looking at the body part increase activity in the area of the brain that controls sensation. The reverse works, too. Look away when receiving a shot.
  • Hearing — Simply smile. The muscles that turn your frown upside down also tense your middle-ear muscles. In turn, this softens low-frequency noises including the hum of an air conditioner, the din of traffic, or office chatter, by as much as 20 decibels.
  • Taste — Take a good whiff of your food before you eat. “Ninety percent of taste is smell,” says Alan Hirsch, M.D., a neurologist. “The more odor molecules hit receptors in your nose, the more robust your sense of taste.”
  • Smell — Run the hot water. Before odors reach your smell receptors, they first pass through a membrane. Warm, moist air helps odors dissolve into the membrane. But hurry, your heightened sense will last only a few minutes.
  • Sight — Position your computer monitor so you’re looking slightly down at it. Your eyes won’t be open as wide, so they won’t be exposed to as much cornea-drying air. That means less eye strain and blurring and better vision.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

If you need an excuse to audition for your church choir or worship team, here you go!  A new study suggests that singing in a choir for just one hour boosts levels of immune proteins in people affected by cancer, reduces stress and improves mood, which in turn could have a positive impact on overall health. The research raises the possibility that singing in choir rehearsals could help to put people in the best possible position to receive treatment, maintain remission and support cancer patients. The study tested 193 members of five different choirs. Results showed that singing for an hour was associated with significant reductions in stress hormones and increases in quantities of proteins of the immune system — which can boost the body’s ability to fight serious illness.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/04/160404221004.htm

 

A Colorado school district will soon distribute satanic and atheist literature to middle school and high school students after pressure from atheist groups. According to CBN News, the Delta County School District will provide students books from Freedom From Religion Foundation, the Satanic Temple, and Western Colorado Atheists and Freethinkers after the groups complained. The push to hand out satanic books happened in response to Gideon Bibles being distributed in a passive way to students while school is in session.

http://go.cbn.com/7974

 

If you’ve ever wanted to explore one of the country’s majestic National Parks, this week is the time to do it. According to Relevant Magazine, in celebration of “National Parks Week,” more than 500 parks around America will have free admission from April 16-24. Several of the parks are even holding special events throughout the week. You can head over to FindYourPark.com to find the closest participating park in your area.

http://relm.ag/eLpXkN5

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I had to finally break down and do my taxes yesterday. Evidently my whole leave-it-out-and-the-little-people-will-do-it-for-me-while-I-sleep-paradigm wasn’t nearly proactive enough for the IRS. –Chris MacEachen

 

If everybody’s thinking alike, somebody isn’t thinking. —Anonymous

 

Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance. –Anonymous

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 15, 2016…

 

The Jungle Book—Adapted from the book for the screen, this movie is in animation and about the boy, Mowgli (Neel Sethi) who is raised by wolves and was brought to them by a black panther (Ben Kingsley).  When a Bengal tiger (Idris Elba) wants no humans in the jungle, Mowgli and his friends go on a journey to find out who he really is. Voices include Bill Murray, Lupita Nyong’o, Scarlett Johansson and Christopher Walken. “The Jungle Book” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Barbershop 2: The Next Cut—Film Four in the series about owning a barbershop and how one has to become inventive in fighting street gangs.  The cast includes Ice Cube, Cedric The Entertainer, Regina Hall, Bernie Mac, Anthony Anderson and Common. “Barbershop 2: The Net Cut” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Criminal—Kevin Costner is an ex-con with a ;mission in his head.  He has implanted memories and must complete someone else’s mission. The CIA is involved. Also in the cast are Gary Oldman, Tommy Lee Jones and Gal Godot (the new Wonder Woman.). “Criminal” is rated R. No rating.

 

Everybody Wants Some!!—A comedy directed by Richard Linklater, this film is about college baseball in the 1980’s. You could write about any sport and put this title on it, but baseball is the theme here and the stars are Zoey Deutch, Ryan Guzman and Blake Jenner. “Everybody Wants Some!!” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Hardcore Henry—The over-used story of a vigilante (Sharlto Copley) trying to find a kidnapped wife, but this time, the action is viewed through the eyes of the vigilante, who has been brought back to life (think of television’s “Second Chance”) as a soldier. The cast includes Haley Bennett, Tim Roth and Will Stewart.  “Hardcore Henry” is rated R. No rating.

 

APRIL 22, 2016…

 

The Huntsman: Winter’s War has Chris Hemsworth back as The Huntsman and this time against two evil sisters.

 

A Hologram For The King stars Tom Hanks, based on Dave Eggers novel, as a salesman going to the Middle East to get a big contract.

 

The Meddler is about a lonely widow whose daughter doesn’t like her meddling, so points her in another direction. Stars Susan Sarandon.

 

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WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.