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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I was at the post office the other day and had to make a couple of copies for my tax returns. Where else but the post office would they bolt a copy machine to the floor that doesn’t work?
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“If government is to serve any purpose it is to do for others what they are unable to do for themselves.” – Lyndon B. Johnson
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. –Matthew 7:24-25
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. — Romans 13:8
These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ. — Colossians 2:17
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Then the end will come, when he hands over the kingdom to God the Father after he has destroyed all dominion, authority and power. — 1 Corinthians 15:24
Thought: Closing time! That’s when everything is counted, the doors are locked, and the final tally is made. Jesus is Lord of closing time. Even though he won the victory over death and sin while he was here, we’re still waiting to get swept up into in his victory march. But, that day is coming. Every knee will bow! Every evil power will face destruction. The hearts that are yielded to God, however, will be placed into his loving and mighty hands forever. Our Lord reigns!
Prayer: Almighty God, Father of grace and mercy, I appreciate your tenderness and patience with me. However, Father, I am also comforted to know your power and might. I am heartened to know that Jesus will assert his rule and destroy everything false, malicious, evil, and wicked. May that day come, soon! In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Philippians 4:19 NIV = And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
TODAY IS THURSDAY – APRIL 18, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 249 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is SNAKES RETURN TO IRELAND DAY. ***I had no idea the IRS was even based in Ireland, did you?
Today is NATIONAL GARLIC DAY. ***Perfect for keeping away vampires, co-workers, and members of the opposite sex.
TODAY IS ALSO…
Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Action Day
Get to Know Your Customers Day
John Parker Day
National Garlic Day
National Hanging Out Day
National Ask An Atheist Day
National D.A.R.E. Day
National Stress Awareness Day
Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
FRIDAY, APRIL 20
Chinese Language Day
International Cli-Fi Day
National Cheddar Fries Day
National Pot Smokers Day
National Teach Children to Save Day
SATURDAY, APRIL 21
Bulldogs are Beautiful Day
Husband Appreciation Day
National Chocolate-Covered Cashews Day
National Pro-Life T-Shirt Day
National Surprise Drug Test Day
National Yellow Bat Day
Queen’s Birthday (real date)
Record Store Day
Spring Astronomy Day
SUNDAY, APRIL 22
Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day
Girl Scout Leaders Day
Global Selfie Earth Day (NASA)
“In God We Trust Day” Day
Mother Earth Day
National Jelly Bean Day
MONDAY, APRIL 23
TUESDAY, APRIL 24
Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day
Sauvignon Blanc Day
New Kids on The Block Day
World Day for Animals in Laboratories
World Meningitis Day
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25
Administrative Professionals Day or Secretary’s Day
East Meets West Day (aka Elbe Day)
Hairstylists Appreciation Day
Hug A Plumber Day or Plumbers Day
International Guide Dogs Day
International Marconi Day
International Noise Awareness Day
License Plates Day
National Mani-pedi Day
Malaria Awareness Day
Parental Alienation Day
Red Hat Society Day
World Penguin Day
National Golf Day
THURSDAY, APRIL 26
International Girls in Information and Telecommunication Technologies Day
Hug An Australian Day
Lesbian Visibility Day
National Help A Horse Day
National Kids and Pets Day
National Pretzel Day
Poem In Your Pocket Day
Richter Scale Day
Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day
World Intellectual Property Day
ON THIS DAY
1927: Actress Mae West was convicted of “indecent behavior” in her Broadway production of “Sex.” She was sentenced to 10 days in jail and fined $500. ***Nowadays the production would probably be rated G.
1933: The United States abandoned the Gold Standard. ***Not sure which year we abandoned all the rest of our standards, but it was pretty recent.
1939: Connecticut finally approved the Bill of Rights — 148 years after the rest of the country.
1956: Prince Rainier III married American actress Grace Kelly, transforming her into Princess Grace of Monaco.
1980: For the first time in history, women took the top five spots on Billboard’s country music chart. #1: Crystal Gayle, “It’s Like We Never Said Goodbye.” #2: Dottie West, “A Lesson In Leavin’.” #3: Debby Boone, “Are You on the Road to Lovin’.” #4: Tammy Wynette (with George Jones), “Two Story House,” #5: Emmylou Harris, “Beneath Still Waters.”
1985: In Berkeley Township, New Jersey, Central Regional High School’s Al Leiter used an 85-mile-an-hour fastball to strike out 32 batters on the way to a 0-0 tie! The game was called after 13 innings because, in Leiter’s words, “I have to go screw my arm back in place.”
1988: Chinese radio began playing western pop music for the first time, ranging from Glenn Miller to Madonna. “Roll Over Beethoven” was banned for being disrespectful to Beethoven.
1988: Sonny Bono was sworn in as mayor of Palm Springs, California.
1990: Fearing his staff of eight lawyers and seven Ph.D.s was too brainy, Vice President Dan Quayle told them to start reading People magazine to get in touch with the real world. ***Even worse, in the memo he spelled “People” P-E-O-P-L.
1994: A California court ordered the city of Los Angeles to pay Rodney King $3.8-million in damages for a 1991 beating by police. ***But he blew it all and came back with “Can’t we all get a loan?”
1995: A museum in The Hague paid $25-thousand at a London auction for a 300-year-old bird egg. The 15-inch egg, one of history’s largest, was laid by the now-extinct Madagascan Great Elephant Bird. ***It became extinct after hanging itself to death on a tree limb from its nose.
1996: At the site where the Murrah federal building once stood, hundreds of mourners paused for 168 seconds of silence on the first anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing that killed 168 and injured another 500.
1998: A British inventor who couldn’t stand the smell of his grandson’s sneakers invented a sneaker with a refillable deodorant reservoir in the heel. He claimed sneakers remained odor free while undergoing rigorous sniff testing. ***This shoe inspected by nose #2…
2001: A 24-year-old German man climbed down a 50-foot-deep unused well to retrieve his mobile phone on the grounds of a mediaeval castle at Stolberg. He got the phone, but then got stuck and had to use it to call for help. Emergency workers pulled the man from the well . He was not injured.
2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany was elected pope. He took the name Benedict-the-16th.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
526: Justinian I is crowned Roman Emperor in Constantinople’s magnificent cathedral, the Santa Sophia. Attempting to restore political and religious unity in the eastern and western empires, he ruthlessly attacked pagans and heretics and created the Code of Justinian, a massive restructuring of law (including much regarding the relationship of church and state) that would be the basis of legislation for nearly a millennium.
1054: Pope Leo IX dies. Because Leo refused the title of Ecumenical Patriarch to Michael Cerularius (Patriarch of Constantinople) and demanded recognition of the filioque clause (the western addition to the Nicene creed that asserts “the Holy Ghost . . . proceeds from the Father and the Son), he is usually assigned responsibility for the final break between Eastern and Western Christianity, though the conventional date for the schism is July 16.
1529: In Germany at the Diet of Spires (Speyer), a document signed by Lutheran leaders in fourteen cities lodged a “protest” which demanded a freedom of conscience and the right of minorities. Henceforth, the German Lutheran Reformers were known as “Protestants.”
1560: German reformer Philip Melanchthon dies. The leader of the German reformation after the death of his friend, Martin Luther, Melanchthon composed the Augsburg Confession of 1530. Much more a peacemaker than Luther, he called for Lutherans and Zwinglians to put aside their differences for the sake of the reformation of the church. In addition, he led extensive efforts to develop the German educational system, for which he has been called “the teacher of Germany.”
1823: Birth of Anna L. Waring, Welsh Anglican hymnwriter. “In Heavenly Love Abiding” is one of her best-known hymns, and is still sung today.
1887: The Catholic University of America was chartered in Washington, D.C.
1930: American pioneer linguist Frank C. Laubach, while serving as a missionary in the Philippines, wrote in a letter: “Fellowship with God is like a delicate little plant, for a long nurturing is the price of having it, while it vanishes in a second of time, as soon as we try to seat some other unworthy affection beside Him.”
1941: Robert F. Wagner, Sr. introduced a resolution in the U.S. Senate stating that U.S. policy should favor the “restoration of the Jews in Palestine.” The resolution was supported by 68 Senators.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actor (Star Wars: Episodes II and III) Hayden Christensen, 37
- Actress (How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days; Almost Famous – daughter to Goldie Hawn) Kate Hudson, 39
- Actor (127 Hours, Rise of the Planet Of The Apes, The Interview) James Franco, 40
- Actress (“Spin City,” Don’t Say a Word, Louann ‘Crystal’ Turner on “Judging Amy”, “Blue Bloods”) Jennifer Esposito, 46 (audio clip)
- Actress (Double Jeopardy, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Kiss the Girls) Ashley Judd, 50
- Actor (Stephen King’s IT <1990>, Hunt For Red October, The Three Musketeers, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Muppet Treasure Island) Tim Curry, 72
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1892 : Germaine Tailleferre
1934 : Dickie Goodman
1941 : Bobby Russell
1942 : Alan Price (The Animals)
1947 : Mark Volman (The Turtles, Flo and Eddie, Mothers of Invention)
1956 : Rod Morgenstein (Winger)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Where did the hair dryer come from?
The first hair dryer was the vacuum cleaner! Around the turn of the century, women dried their hair by connecting the hose to the exhaust of their vacuum cleaners. In early models, the front of a vacuum cleaner sucked air in, the back blew air out, and the hose could be attached to either end. In 1920, the first true hair dryer came on the market, but it was extremely large and heavy, and frequently overheated. Not until 1951 was the first really workable dryer made. The device consisted of a hand-held dryer connected to a pink plastic bonnet fitted over the woman’s head.
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
An ex-security guard for the Church of Scientology is telling tales — including the claim that John Travolta and Tom Cruise are major rivals within the religion and can’t stand each other. ***Bickering between followers inside a church? Gee, you NEVER hear of THAT happening!!!
Elon Musk’s Boring Company (that’s the actual name) has raised $113 million to dig tunnels around the country. ***Which appropriately sounds like a really boring job.
A menu for the first meal served on the Titanic is going to be auctioned off. ***How wad would it be if it included iceberg lettuce?
Air Canada is going to introduce lie-back seats in business class for some of their longer, coast-to-coast flights. ***I’m sure the person sitting behind you is going to LOVE that.
Women who drink alcohol in their 50s live longer and healthier lives than their teetotaler friends. That’s the word from researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health, who determined that middle-aged women who drink alcohol in moderation have a better chance than nondrinkers of staying healthy as they age, reports Health.com. ***This is really good to hear. I just thought my wife was drinking more because she was depressed being married to me.
A woman was recently arrested at New York’s Kennedy Airport for attempting to smuggle $110,000 worth of cocaine, hidden inside bottles of Bailey’s Irish Cream. ***And you thought you were addicted to Bailey’s and coffee BEFORE!
Khloe Kardashian has named her baby True Thompson. ***Which, despite being an odd name for a baby, is still better than any other baby names the Kardashian clan has so far come up with.
One of the world’s top Donkey Kong players has been stripped of his records for cheating. ***How do you cheat at Donkey Kong? Do you shave off Mario’s mustache to cut down on wind resistance?
James Comey’s interview on ABC News brought in an average of 9.8 million viewers, making it the network’s biggest interview since Diane Sawyer’s 2015 sitdown with Caitlyn Jenner. ***And the Caitlyn Jenner interview had more credibility.
Recent research proves what anyone who has ever downed a dozen cookies at a lifeless family reunion already knows: people eat more calories and more fatty and sugary foods when they’re bored. It’s not that tedium makes us crave junk; we’re simply reaching for some excitement to distract ourselves. ***Either that, or you are eating through your newly-found depression after realizing you are related to all of those weirdos.
A Colorado man arrested outside of Taylor Swift’s Beverly Hills home last Saturday was wearing a mask and rubber gloves, had a knife, rope and ammunition, and told police he had driven from his Colorado home to see the singer who was not there at the time. ***Too bad he didn’t meet her – a guy like this would’ve made a great ex-boyfriend song for Taylor!
Steven Spielberg is the first director to have movies that have earned over $10 billion at the box office. ***And I’m guessing NONE of those dollars came from his movie, “Duel”.
When Florida police made a traffic stop recently, a woman told them she didn’t know anything about the cocaine they found in her purse and that “it must have flown through the window.” Kennecia Posey was one of two passengers in a car that was swerving in the roadway when it was stopped by Fort Pierce police. When officers approached the vehicle, they smelled marijuana. During a search, they found cocaine and marijuana in separate bags inside a purse Posey had on her lap. Posey admitted the marijuana was hers but denied having cocaine. She claimed: “I don’t know anything about any cocaine. It’s a windy day. It must have flown through the window and into my purse.” ***In her defense, if you’re doing cocaine and marijuana at the same time, you might actually believe this story.
Lawmakers in South Carolina are considering a ban on energy drinks for teenagers. ***Because banning teenagers from having stuff has always been a foolproof game plan. After all, we never see teens driving without a license, drinking underage, or smoking cigarettes. This is the perfect solution!
A report says the company that makes those candy hearts with the messages on them could be going out of business. ***And honestly, wouldn’t that make the world a better place?
Texas Biomedical Research Institute officials are making changes to their enclosure after four baboons briefly escaped from the facility. The animal care team determined the baboons rolled a 55-gallon barrel upright near a wall of their open-air enclosure, then climbed it, which allowed them to escape. The enclosure was built nearly 40 years ago and all three escaped baboons were recovered within 30 minutes. Officials initially thought a fourth remained on the loose but after completing a head count of all the animals determined it had returned to the enclosure almost immediately. ***Isn’t this how Planet of the Apes started?
The workout company CrossFit is now getting into the meal delivery business. ***Delivery times will be really slow though, as all delivery people will be running to your house instead of driving.
The biggest Black Lives Matter page on Facebook-with 700,000 followers-turns out to be a fake, set up by a white guy in Australia. ***Because people will follow anybody who says what they want to hear.
For reasons beyond our comprehension, a restaurant in Durham, N.C. is serving up a burger that would make anyone with arachnophobia run for the hills. Bull City Burger and Brewery is offering up the “tarantula burger.” They said it’s for Exotic Meat Month, but the only way to get one of the eight-legged beef sandwiches is by winning the Tarantula Challenge, meaning you have to sign up for a lottery. The burger costs $30 and includes a pasture-raised North Carolina beef-burger, gruyere cheese, spicy chili sauce, and an oven-roasted tarantula. You can sign up for the limited challenge in the restaurant. If you eat the entire burger, you get a free t-shirt. ***So that makes it tooootally worth it.
Over 100 geese fell from the sky in Idaho last weekend. The leading theory is that they were all killed by a lightning strike as they migrated together. ***What’s good for the goose is good for the gander – even if it means your goose is cooked!
Neither the Trumps or the Obamas will be attending Harry and Meghan’s wedding next month. U.K. Prime Minister Theresa May also did not get an invite. ***And my invitation has obviously been lost in the mail.
North and South Korea are planning to make a stunning announcement at their leaders’ summit next week — a permanent end to the 68-year state of war between them. ***Fear is a good motivator to bring people together – and it took Donald Trump as president of the U.S. to scare both Korean leaders into talking to each other.
Over in England, 23-year Scott Purdey described himself as a “hot-blooded heterosexual” but says painkillers have changed his sexual orientation. He now identifies as gay. Purdy “enjoyed dating women before he started taking the painkiller Pregabalin, also known as Lyrica.” He said, “I noticed my libido for women had gone and I was wanting male attention. I turned around and said I didn’t find my girlfriend physically attractive anymore.” FYI, Pregabalin or Lyrica is a medication used to treat epilepsy, pain associated with the brain, and generalized anxiety disorder.” Purdey said, “I stopped taking it for a few weeks and that desire for men just left. But I’m on it now; I’m very happy. I want to keep on taking it because it makes me feel happy about my sexuality. It’s made me feel very open. It’s liberating.” ***So, in case you missed that – homosexuality is now a side-effect of medication.
Apple announced that it is now powered entirely by renewable energy. ***Well, that and the billions of dollars it receives from selling us overpriced products.
Richard Overton of Austin, Texas, has some pretty impressive genes. His birthday comes up next month, when he’ll turn 112. Part of his secret to a long life-smoking a dozen cigars a day and the occasional whiskey and coke. ***So when passing out cigars to everybody in celebration of becoming a new father – go ahead and give one to the baby too, to start it off on a long life!
A Japanese man’s attempt to rob a bank failed when he collapsed with hunger. Police said the man perked up when they provided him with a meal after his arrest. ***You know times are tough when you have to a rob a bank in order to afford the McDonald’s Dollar Menu.
Hard to believe but an 8-year-old second grader took a kitchen knife to a central Minnesota elementary school and randomly attacked three other children. Police Chief Perry Beise said the victims – aged 8, 9 and 13 – suffered “superficial wounds” requiring stitches in the attack at Pleasantview Elementary in Sauk Rapids. No one else was hurt. There is no known motive. Beise said, “He randomly cut three students then walked into the office and set the knife down.” The police chief said the time officers arrived the boy was in an office with a counselor and the three injured students were being treated by the school nurse. He said he didn’t know if the boy had been bullied, or if he had mental health issues. ***He took a knife to school and slashed three classmates… so yeah, HE HAS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES!
A study says a sudden loss of wealth increases the risk of dying early. ***Well, the desire to kill yourself, at least.
Mariah Carey is being sued by her former manager for alleged civil rights violations. ***Don’t take it personally, buddy – she doesn’t treat anyone civilly.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Our personalities stay pretty much the same throughout our lives, from our early childhood years to after we’re over the hill, according to a new study. The results show personality traits observed in children as young as first graders are a strong predictor of adult behavior. “We remain recognizably the same person,” said study author Christopher Nave, a doctoral candidate at the University of California, Riverside. “This speaks to the importance of understanding personality because it does follow us wherever we go across time and contexts.” The study will be published in an upcoming issue of the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science. ***Meaning (Charlie Sheen) has always been that way… and likely always will be.
There seems to be a new outbreak of the extremely dangerous necrotizing fasciitis virus – more notoriously known as the flesh-eating disease. ***Sadly, my doctor just diagnosed me with the flesh eating virus. He says I have about 80 years left to live.
Research by the Harvard School of Public Health says that eating bacon reduces the vitality of a man’s sperm. ***Let me get this straight: So, not only is bacon tasty but it’s also a contraceptive?
According to new research, psychologists suggest that our brains find simple things beautiful. ***Which might explain why people find Lindsey Lohan so attractive.
A Nielsen poll has confirmed what many have already observed — the nation’s teens are increasingly using texting as a major source of communication, but a communications expert feels parents should be aware that this trend may have some hidden dangers. While it may not come as any surprise that teens text more than other age groups, what could be disturbing is exactly how much time they spend twiddling their thumbs on their cell phones. According to Nielsen, American children under the age of 18 send and receive roughly 2,800 texts per month, or about 93 per day. ***On the plus side, they are doing a lot less talking.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were finally tired of running away from a giant-footed creature. Actually they weren’t running away from it, because nobody had ever really even seen it. In fact, this could all be just a big joke! There’s only one way to find out though… and it’s scary…
CLOSE: Oh no… it really IS a monster leaving those giant footprints! It’s a giant gorilla! What will happen to Millard? Will he really be eaten? And will the words salsa and Cheeze Whiz play a large part in our next episode? Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
What’s the one thing you never ever want to do to a metal pole in the middle of winter? That’s right.
Ambulance crews were called to rescue a seven-year-old Canadian girl after her tongue froze to metal railings. Yup… you heard me right. She stuck her tongue to a below freezing metal railing. Amanda Sharkey was hidden from view on a footbridge in Calgary, panicking that she couldn’t get loose and that no one could see her to rescue her. Fortunately, an engineer eventually spotted her. Paramedics sprayed warm water on the railing to release her. Her mother, Tracy, says: “When the paramedics came, she thought they were coming to cut off her tongue. She’s a very lucky girl.” Amanda says she never thought her tongue would actually stick to the railings. ***MARLAR: Do they not have Christmas movies in Canada?
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON’T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A LUMBERJACK
10. Your “Sierra Club 4 Life” tattoo
9. You spend more time picking splinters out of your hands with your “lucky tweezers” than actually chopping wood.
8. The waxed and polished Ax with a cushioned polyurethane grip and ergonomically correct handle was a dead give away.
7. You think pancakes loaded with syrup are bad for your cholesterol
6. “Flannel? Oh no, sweetheart, this boy does not look good in flannel!”
5. It takes you a week to grow that rugged 5 o’clock shadow.
4. The “truck” you drive is an El Camino.
3. You get out of breath just lifting a “Cheese Log.”
2. You still can’t tell the difference between polka dots and plaid.
1. Maybe if you whistled fewer show tunes
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Taking a nap can sometimes be invigorating… but not if you do it at a stop light.
FILE #1: Gregory Tarver was self-employed… sort of. See, he had his own printing business – he liked to print counterfeit money. In fact, he had just printed up around $40,000 in counterfeit bills and they were in his SUV. He also had in his possession a device for cutting the sheets of cash into individual bills. Greg must work really, really hard, because he was so tired that he fell asleep behind the wheel of his SUV while he was stopped at a red light. A police officer awakened Sleeping Beauty, noticed the bills and equipment in the back and Greg was busted.
FILE #2: A teenager from Berlin was arrested for driving a bus through a red light. The 18-year-old man not only ran a red light, but he also stole the bus he was driving. But wait, there’s more! Here’s the kicker — he stole the bus and ran the red light because he didn’t want to be late for his court date. He was going to court to face charges for an earlier arrest for leaving the scene of an accident. Police escorted the young man to court, whereupon his original hearing was rescheduled. The justice authority spokesman said the teen deserved some credit. “At least he was on time for court.”
FILE #3: The passenger wanted a ride to the jail — and that was just fine with the cabbie. Deputies in Prescott, Ariz., say Jacob Bundy didn’t have the $32 for his cab fare and chased the driver with a knife. Authorities say the driver convinced Bundy to put the knife away and offered to drive the man to a bank. On the way, the cabbie said his deadbeat fare suggested they go to the jail instead.
STRANGE LAW: In Youngstown, Ohio, is it illegal to ride on the roof of a taxi.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
Beer and bereavement don’t mix.
Sheriff’s deputies said a Texas woman started a brawl at a wake in Arkansas when she arrived with a beer can in her hand. The woman faces a third-degree domestic battery charge, as does another woman who joined the fight. Deputies said the first woman arrived at the Christies Chapel Church with a beer can in hand and that she refused to leave. The first woman then allegedly grabbed a man by the face, leaving scratch marks on his lower right cheek and causing him to bleed. The man’s mother, then allegedly slapped the woman and kicked another woman in the chest. A sheriff’s report claimed the woman with the beer became “passively aggressive” with deputies and said that “no backwood country cop” was going to take her to jail. ***MARLAR: Ironically, that’s the exact thing to say to a backwoods country cop to get taken to jail.
If only ____ was tax deductible, our family would NEVER owe taxes…ever!
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What did Jael use to murder Sisera?
ANSWER: A tent peg through his temple (Judges 4:17-21)
QUESTION: What state has the most prisoners on death row and the most Girl Scouts?
ANSWER: California (Gosh, I hope there’s no correlation between the two!)
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. One billion seconds is about 12 years. (False, 32 years)
2. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt are the four US presidents whose faces are carved on Mt. Rushmore. (True)
3. The Tokyo World Lanes Bowling Center is the largest bowling establishment in the world with 252 lanes. (True – and one very tired pinsetter!)
4. There are 2 different versions of the Mona Lisa under the visible one. (False – there are three, according to X-ray technology)
5. The hundred billionth crayon made by Crayola was simply white. (False – Periwinkle Blue)
6. When the Hoovers did not want to be overheard by White House guests, they spoke to each other in Pig-Latin. (False – Chinese)
7. Mageiricophobia is the intense fear of having to cook. (True)
8. When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like “Coca-Cola” when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was “Bite the wax tadpole”. (False – although many believe it’s true.)
9. Grand Rapids, Michigan is the “SpaghettiOs Capital of the World”. (True, because per-capita consumption is highest in that city, per the Franco-American Company. Reportedly, there are more than 1,750 “O’s” in a 15-ounce can of SpaghettiOs.)
10. A black cow is a chocolate soda with chocolate ice cream. (True. The term dates from the Roaring Twenties. Another term for a black cow was a mud fizz.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
ZOMBIE ______ (GUN)
The Russians have developed mind-bending ‘psychotronic’ guns that can effectively turn people into zombies.
And Vladimir Putin loves them!!
The futuristic weapons – which will attack the central nervous system of their victims – are being developed by the country’s scientists.
They could be used against Russia’s enemies and, perhaps, its own dissidents by the end of the decade.
Mr Putin added: “Such high-tech weapons systems will be comparable in effect to nuclear weapons, but will be more acceptable in terms of political and military ideology.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage. He whispered to the usher, “This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.” The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.”
A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”
“Hey, doc, did you wash your hands?” In an era of rising rates of drug-resistant infections and overburdened medical staffs, hygiene experts say the best-protected patients are those willing to take safety into their own hands — by asking health workers to wash theirs – because doctors and nurses are only washing half as often as they should. ***Even cats and dogs wash themselves up regularly. How sad is it that we’d be better off with our dogs licking our wounds then letting doctors use a scalpel?
Truman Show Delusion is a mental condition marked by a patient’s belief that he or she is the star of an imaginary reality show. ***Then there is Kardashian Disease, which is a mental condition where an already famous person hasn’t really done anything to become so.
My niece visited the radio station the other day… she’s about 4 years old. She was really intrigued with the headphones, and the microphones, and all the cool gadgets that you can find in a radio studio. I thought it’d be fun sit her behind one of the big microphones, put some large headphones on her, and then take her picture for posterity sake. After I got her ready for the picture, I couldn’t help but begin thinking how proud I was that my niece wanted to follow in her uncle’s footsteps. My footsteps! My four-year-old niece wanted to be a radio disc jockey! But then she spoke into the microphone, “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
BLOWING IN THE WIND
A man in Richmond, Virginia, learned that when hauling wood, it’s best to tie it to the top of your car.
…Instead, the 43-year-old man tried to hold it down himself. The man and a friend were attempting to move some wooden fencing by carrying it on top of their van. The one man literally laid on top of the wood on top of the van to hold it down. But while driving 50 mph, you can probably guess what happened to him? He was hospitalized after a gust of wind carried him off the car roof. ***MARLAR: They were originally arguing about whose fence it truly was when the driver said, “I’ll flip you for it.”
When it hurts to look back, and you’re scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.
Good friends are like stars…. you don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.
Don’t frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Everything is okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
WHO’S WANT TO BE JOE?
Read: Genesis 39:1-21
The Lord was with him; He showed him kindness and granted him favor. –Genesis 39:21
Joe’s family was a mess. His father had 12 children by four different women–two of whom he was married to, and two of whom were the maids of one of his wives. In addition, Joe’s dad had spent lots of years on the outs with Joe’s uncle. Would YOU want to be Joe?
Let’s continue… Joe’s only sister was assaulted by an outsider, who had the nerve to turn around and ask if he could marry her. Some of her brothers were so angry that they killed the offending man and all his friends and relatives.
For Joe, who stayed out of that mess, the real problem came later when it was discovered that his father liked him more than all the other 11 brothers. Since killing people was not beyond them, they plotted to do away with Joe. Fortunately, they just sold him to some people from another country. Then they went home and lied about it.
With such experiences happening to Joe, you can probably imagine what a mess he turned out to be. So what happened to Joe? Did he:
- Become a serial killer?
- Marry and divorce several times?
- Become a druggie to try to dull the pain of his dysfunctional family?
- Become second-in-command over his new country and rescue that country from a famine?
If you know the story of Joseph in Genesis, you caught that he was not a person who complained about his circumstances and got himself into trouble. No, Joseph continued to trust and obey God–and overcame his seriously flawed background.
What an example! We all have things in our past we can blame if our life blows out of control. We can say, “My dad was too harsh,” or “My mom didn’t take good care of me.” But ultimately the only person responsible for us is us.
No matter what the circumstance, Joseph continued to depend on God and to do the right thing. He obeyed his father, and after he had been sent to Egypt he refused the advances of Potiphar’s wife. As a result, “the Lord was with him; He showed him kindness and granted him favor” (39:21).
Who’d want to be Joe? No one would want the trouble he had. But we should all want to be the kind of God-honoring person he became despite those troubles. Like Joseph, we need to do what is right–no matter what.
SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE (APPROPRIATE AFTER “TAX DAY,” DON’T YOU THINK?!)
- American Express calls and says: “Please leave home without it!”
- Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
- You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a deep and loving bond with Abe Lincoln.
- Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.
- You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
- Your rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
- You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
- Your bologna has no first name.
- You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice and cookies.
- Sally Struthers sends you food.
- McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
- At communion you go back for seconds.
LIFE… LIVE IT
LAZINESS EXTENDS YOUR LIFESPAN
Forget all that “nose to the grindstone” trash that’s been stuffed down your throat ever since you were a kid. A couch-potato lifestyle, free of stress, is definitely the way to go, say medical researchers Peter Axt and Michaela Axt Gadermann. In their book, “The Joy of Laziness: Why Life Is Better Slower, and How to Get There,” the authors prove that goofing off more and exercising less will make you smarter, younger looking, less cranky and more loveable. The German doctors developed a 5-step plan to lazy up and lengthen your life span.
- Forget long-distance running — marathon athletes often die at an early age from heart attacks. Switch to a brisk but easy stroll several times a week to boost circulation.
- If you live in a northern climate, think about moving south. Warm weather and sunshine dispel depression and alleviate stress.
- Sleep in whenever possible. Long hours in bed pump up your immune system so your body can fight viruses and disease.
- Combat the aging process by slowing down your metabolism with an occasional daily fast. Even digesting food can take a lot out of you.
- Relax your brain by hanging out for a day doing absolutely nothing more strenuous than channel surfing. Do it as often as you can.
JUST FOR FUN
Helpful hints on how to make toads explode!
If it weren’t for the fact that this is not April 1st, I would swear this next story is an April Fool’s Day joke. According to a German researcher, cars passing toads on the road (even if they don’t actually touch the toads) can make the amphibians explode! (See, I told you this sounded like an April fool’s joke.) Apparently, the air pressure created when a car goes whizzing by, forming a wind tunnel, decreases the outside pressure around the toad, making them expand, and KA-BOOM! The faster the car travels, the more likely this is to happen. The researcher says speeds as little as 20mph can cause toads to explode – and he’s calling for speed limits and toad-crossing signs.
Some believe that the world converting to the metric system would greatly simplify our lives. However, look what such a transition would do to our old time-tested clichés:
- Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.6 kilometers.
- Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
- A miss is as good as a 1.6 kilometers.
- Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
- Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
- Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
HEIGHTEN YOUR FIVE SENSES
(Men’s Health) Sense-sharpening brain implants are decades away. Until then, use these simple tricks:
Touch — Look at the body part that’s doing the touching. A British study found that looking at the body part increase activity in the area of the brain that controls sensation. The reverse works, too. Look away when receiving a shot.
Hearing — Simply smile. The muscles that turn your frown upside down also tense your middle-ear muscles. In turn, this softens low-frequency noises including the hum of an air conditioner, the din of traffic, or office chatter, by as much as 20 decibels.
Taste — Take a good whiff of your food before you eat. “Ninety percent of taste is smell,” says Alan Hirsch, M.D., a neurologist. “The more odor molecules hit receptors in your nose, the more robust your sense of taste.”
Smell — Run the hot water. Before odors reach your smell receptors, they first pass through a membrane. Warm, moist air helps odors dissolve into the membrane. But hurry, your heightened sense will last only a few minutes.
Sight — Position your computer monitor so you’re looking slightly down at it. Your eyes won’t be open as wide, so they won’t be exposed to as much cornea-drying air. That means less eye strain and blurring and better vision.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
You know it’s good for your muscles, heart and lungs. But walking is also good for your brain. When you pound the pavement, the impact of your foot sends pressure waves through your arteries that significantly modify and can increase the supply of blood to the brain, according to a small study conducted by researchers from New Mexico Highlands University. Until recently, it was thought that the blood supply to the brain (cerebral blood flow or CBF) was involuntarily regulated by the body and relatively unaffected by changes in the blood pressure caused by exercise or exertion. But now the New Mexico Highlands researchers have found that the foot’s impact during running causes significant impact-related retrograde waves through the arteries that sync with the heart rate and stride rate to dynamically regulate blood circulation to the brain. Translation: The waves are in sync with your heart rate and stride, whether you’re walking or running. The faster you move, the better it is for your brain. while the effects of walking on CBF were less dramatic than those caused by running, they were greater than the effects seen during cycling, which involves no foot impact at all. Green says the results suggest that “brain blood flow is very dynamic.”
If you are one of the 35 percent of adults who have trouble falling asleep, try a simple, 10-minute “Tension Tamer” routine developed by physicians at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, MD. Just before you go to bed, close your eyes and mentally focus on a serene and inviting place — that is, your happy place. For example, it could be waves softly crashing on a sunny beach or a cool, quiet lake surrounded by trees gently blowing in a spring breeze. While you’re in your happy place, breathe slowly and deeply. Feel the tension lift. This technique was tested by Dr. Arn Eliasson, a research consultant with the Integrative Cardiac Health Project, a health promotion and cardiac risk reduction program at Walter Reed. 65 percent of the study participants improved their perceived level of stress with the “Tension Tamer” routine, although 34 percent reported worse levels of stress. Those whose stress improved also had significant improvement in sleep quality, including taking less time to fall asleep and experiencing less daytime fatigue.
Remember when your parents used to tell you to never get in a car with strangers? Well that rule no longer applies to many busy parents needing their kids to get from point A to point B. Busy parents are embracing taxi-replacement service Uber as a way to move their kids around. “Parents say the combination of easy pickup, easy payment (automatically by credit card) and the ability to track vehicles via GPS through the app gives them a sense of control, efficiency, and security they don’t feel they have with traditional taxis.” Nick Allen, chief executive for similar service Shuddle, says, “Parents are busier than ever these days. Both moms and dads are working, kids have activities all over town, and parents can’t be in two places at once. This is giving kids independence and parents breathing room to have a better quality of life.”
You may feel as if you are sitting still right now, but it’s an illusion of miraculous proportions. Planet Earth is spinning around its axis at a speed of 1,000 miles per hour. Every 24 hours, planet Earth pulls off a celestial 360. We’re also hurtling through space at an average velocity of 67,108 miles per hour. That’s not just faster than a speeding bullet. It’s 87 times faster than the speed of sound. So even on a day when you feel like you didn’t get much done, don’t forget that you did travel 1,599,793 miles through space! To top things off, the Milky Way is spinning like a galactic pinwheel at the dizzying rate of 483,000 mph. If that isn’t miraculous, I don’t know what is. Yet when was the last time you thanked God for keeping us in orbit? I’m guessing you’ve never prayed, “Lord, I wasn’t sure we’d make the full rotation today, but You did it again”! We just don’t pray that way. And that is the ultimate irony: we already believe God for the big miracles like they’re no big deal. The trick is trusting him for the little ones. [Adapted from Mark Batterson, The Grave Robber (Baker Books, 2014), page 19]
How much would it take for us to have enough money? Remarkably, studies show that most people, regardless of income, answer the question the same way: We need about 10% more to feel comfortable. Ten percent will make a difference, and whether we earn $30,000 per year or $60,000 or $250,000 or a cool million, just 10% more is what we want. When people are asked the same question over time, Loyola Marymount University Professor Christopher Kaczor reports “when they do get that 10%, which typically happens over the course of a few years, they want just another 10%, and so on, ad infinitum.” This reality prompted British psychoanalyst Joan Riviere to make the following observation: “by its very nature [greed] is endless and never assuaged; and by being a form of the impulse to live, it ceases only with death.”
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
A visitor from Seattle was really impressed with his Sunday dinner at Chicago’s Boka (boh-kuh) restaurant. The food and service made him so happy that he gave each of the restaurant’s 17 employees $100 bills. That $1,700 came in addition to tipping 39 percent — or $300 — on his $769 meal for six. The man, only identified as “Mike from Seattle”, tipped a total of $2,000.
(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(News.com.AU) An Australian man has been jailed for drunkenly stabbing his best mate in the thigh during a game of golf, causing massive blood loss that could have been fatal. Matthew McKay, 31, and two close friends had been drinking and watching a boxing match on TV before they headed to Broadford Golf Course, north of Melbourne. The trio played a few holes but McKay appeared intoxicated and was damaging the greens, scratching one with a flag and stomping golf balls into another. His friends Simon Mudd and Shaun Peterson told him to stop and he stormed off to his car, returned with a fold-out Smith and Wesson knife and attacked his mates. He first swung the weapon at Peterson before he turned to Mudd and drove the blade into his left thigh, hitting a large artery and blood gushed from the deep wound. Mudd was airlifted to hospital where he received a major blood transfusion and emergency surgery. McKay was arrested, convicted and ultimately ordered to serve at least 10 months in jail before being eligible for parole. ***So a fight between two golfers, ended up as a HOLE IN ONE!
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
I had to finally break down and do my taxes yesterday. Evidently my whole leave-it-out-and-the-little-people-will-do-it-for-me-while-I-sleep-paradigm wasn’t nearly proactive enough for the IRS. –Chris MacEachen
If everybody’s thinking alike, somebody isn’t thinking. –Anonymous
Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance. –Anonymous
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
APRIL 13, 2018…
Beirut (opening in select cities)—This is a political drama/thriller starring Jon Hamm. He portrays a former diplomat who is called into action to save a friend from assassins. Also in the cast are Rosamund Pike (“Hostiles”) and Dean Norris. “Beirut” is rated R. No rating.
Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero—This is a true story, partially computer generated. Stubby began as a homeless Boston terrier, who was found by a young man going off to WWI. Logan Lerman plays the man who becomes quite fond of Stubby and before you know it, Stubby is on foreign soil and, it is discovered, has special skills. He can smell mustard gas from a distance, thus helping troops avoid that area, and he can find wounded soldiers so medics can help them. Talk about bravery. After the way, Stubby ends up being the most decorated canine ever and the first—and only—canine to be promoted to the rank of Sergeant. Helena Bonham Carter also stars, and is the narrator of the story. You will recognize Gerard Depardieu, also. “Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.
The Rider (opening in select cities)—For western fans, this film is about a professional rodeo rider (true story) who is at the top of his game when there is a serious accident. What to do next? What direction to go now? The film did well at Sundance. Cast includes Brady Jandreau, Tim Jandreau, Lilly Jandreau and Lane Scott. “The Rider” is rated R. No rating.
Miracle Season—This dramatic film, based on a true story, is about volleyball. Specifically, the Iowa City West High School Girls Volleyball Team. Their captain, Caroline (Danika Yarosh), nicknamed “Line” dies in an accident and the team is devastated. What to do? Helen Hunt is their coach, and together, the team decides to “go for the gold and for Line.” They start winning and you can figure out the rest. Other sports films that had similar themes include “The Mighty Ducks” and “Miracle” (both hockey), “Hoosiers” for basketball, “The Replacements” and “Necessary Roughness” for football. In this volleyball film, William Hurt is also in the cast along with Erin Moriarity. “Miracle Season” is rated PG-13. Rating of 3 for fans.
Flower (opening in select cities)—A coming-of-age film (think “Lady Bird” here), the film concerns a teenage girl (Zoey Deutch) living with her Mom (Kathryn Hahn) and the Mom’s boyfriend, Tim Heidecker. Enter, the boyfriend’s son (Joey Morgan) who has emotional problems and before you can snap your fingers, the teens are out for trouble and that includes harassing a teacher, Adam Scott. “Flower” is rated R. No rating.
APRIL 20, 2018…
Rampage stars Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) as a scientist whose friend is a large gorilla—but the gorilla keeps getting bigger and bigger…….
Super Troopers 2 has the group on the Canadian/US border. Stars Rob Lowe.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.