April 20, 2015: Monday ONAIRprep

 

CLICK HERE FOR A .DOC VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20150420

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And now, LIVE in its entirety, it’s (THE JOCK SHOW)!

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields!  They are ripe for harvest.” –John 4:35

 

At just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. — Romans 5:6-8

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

The Lord your God will raise up for you a prophet like [Moses] from among your own brothers. You must listen to him. — Deuteronomy 18:15

 

Thought: Jesus is that prophet like Moses. He has come and taught us God’s truth. He has taught us with his words recorded in the Gospels. He has taught us with his example, through the deeds he has done. He is teaching us through his abiding presence in us and through the Spirit he has given us. But he teaches us most effectively when we put into practice what he has said.

 

Prayer: El Shaddai, who thundered from Mount Sinai and gave your Law to your servant Moses, I believe you are still speaking today through Jesus. Help me not only hear his voice, but listen to his message and life and put it into practice today. Gently correct and lead me in the way of obedience so that I may more perfectly glorify you with the worship of my daily life. Through the mighty name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

1 John 4:20 NIV = If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.

 

 

TODAY IS MONDAY – APRIL 20, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 250 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is GO AROUND SINGING “YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE” UNTIL EVERYBODY SCREAMS DAY***MARLAR: That shouldn’t take too long.

 

Today is NATIONAL TAKE A BREAK TO RESET YOUR MIND DAY.  ***MARLAR: Which you’ll need after listening all day to someone singing “You Light Up My Life”.

 

Today is the ANNIVERSARY OF SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED SO LONG AGO EVERYONE HAS FORGOTTEN WHAT IT WAS DAY.

 

Today is LOOK ALIKE DAY. ***MARLAR: By the way, why do the Goth kids, who are anti-conformists, all look the same?

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Chinese Language Day

National Pot Smokers Day

Boston Marathon

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, APRIL 21

Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day

Kindergarten Day

National Surprise Drug Test Day (because yesterday was National Pot Smokers Day)

Queen’s Birthday (real date)

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22

Administrative Professionals Day (Secretary’s Day)

Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day

Earth Day

Girl Scout Leaders Day

Global Selfie Earth Day (NASA)

In God We Trust Day

Mother Earth Day

 

THURSDAY, APRIL 23

English Language Day

Impossible Astronaut Day

National Lost Dog Awareness Day

Movie Theater Day

Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day

Talk Like Shakespeare Day

World Book & Copyright Day

World Book Night

 

FRIDAY, APRIL 24

Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day

National Hairball Awareness Day

New Kids on The Block Day

National Teach Your Children to Save Day

Satchmo Days begin

World Meningitis Day

Arbor Day

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 25

Bob Wills Day

DNA Day

Eeyore’s Birthday

Hairstylists Appreciation Day

Hug a Plumber Day / Plumbers Day

International Marconi Day

License Plaes Day

National Mani-pedi Day

Malaria Awareness Day

National Dance Day

National Go Birding Day

National Herb Day

Parental Alienation Day

Penguin Day

National Rebuilding Day

Red Hat Society Day

Save The Frogs Day

Sense of Smell Day

Spring Astronomy Day

World Day for Animals in Laboratories

World Healing Day

World Veterinary Day

World Tai Chi & Qigong Day

World Penguin Day

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 26

Doo Dah Day

Hug An Australian Day

National Help a Horse Day

Audubon Day

Mother, Father Deaf Day

National Kids and Pets Day

National Pretzel Day

National Pet Parent’s Day

Pinhole Photography Day

Richter Scale Day

World Intellectual Property Day

 

MONDAY, APRIL 27

Babe Ruth Day

Mantanzas Mule Day

Morse Code Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1905: Stanley Marcus was born. He originated the Neiman-Marcus fashion shows. ***MARLAR: Stanley Marcus proved the theory that if you feature clothing on women that are impossible to look like, you too can be a huge success.

 

1912: On a game-winning two-out single by Tris Speaker in the 11th inning, the Boston Red Sox edge the New York Yankees 7-6. It was the Sox first game in their elegant new stadium, Fenway Park.

 

1942: Boston Braves manager Casey Stengel got so mad at rookie pitcher Warren Spahn because he was unable to hit Dodgers shortstop Pee Wee Reese in four pitches, he sent Spahn back to the minors to learn better control. Spahn returned to the majors four years later to become the winningest lefthander of all time.

 

1959: Singer George Jones scored his first #1 country hit with “White Lightnin.” He had recorded earlier as Hank Smith and Thumper Jones.

 

1971: The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the use of busing to achieve racial desegregation in public schools.

 

1981: An investigator for the Dallas district attorney’s office was fired for biting off part of a man’s ear in a brawl after a Texas Rangers’ baseball game.

 

1989: On the 100th anniversary of Adolph Hitler’s birth, a survey showed that 44% of West Germans still thought that German blood should be kept pure.

 

1991: Kennesaw, Georgia, unveiled the street sign that would mark its new General Norman Schwartzkopf Avenue. They misspelled Schwarzkopf.

 

1991: The Hastings Reminder in Michigan reported the marriage of Michelle Johnson and David Wax, both of Kentwood. The photo caption was, of course, Johnson-Wax.

 

1992: Madonna signed with Time Warner to set up a multimedia company, reportedly making “the material girl” the highest paid woman in pop music.

 

1993: A quick thinking teller in Mainz, Germany, did exactly as she was told, almost, and an inattentive bank robber escaped with a money bag jam-packed with trash.

 

1993: President Clinton accepted responsibility for the decision to try and end the 51-day siege at the Branch Davidian compound in Texas, but he said David Koresh bore “ultimate responsibility” for the deaths that resulted.   ***MARLAR: So his thought process was, “I take full responsibility for this, and it’s that other guy’s fault.”

 

1999: An 8-year-old boy plunged 17 stories from a Hong Kong apartment but survived after hitting four clotheslines on the way down and landing on a canopy. He was hospitalized with a broken arm and leg, but no life-threatening injuries.

 

1999: Actress Jane Seymour received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

 

2001: A British security firm launched a new security alarm that made burglars sick. The device emitted a screech that made anyone within earshot throw up within seconds. The Inferno alarm was devised by the Swedish army and took 10 years to perfect. The sound was compared to someone scratching long nails down a blackboard.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1441: During the Council of Florence (1438-45), Eugenius IV issued the bull “Etsi non dubitemus,” which asserted the superiority of the pope over the Councils.

 

1718: Birth of David Brainerd, colonial American missionary to the Indians of New England. Following his premature death from tuberculosis at 29, Brainerd’s journal (published in 1649 by the Jonathan Edwards) influenced hundreds to become missionaries after him.

 

1826: Birth of Erastus Johnson, American hymnwriter. A lifelong student of the Bible, Johnson, at age 47, penned the hymn, “O Sometimes the Shadows are Deep” (a.k.a. “The Rock That Is Higher Than I”).

 

1943: In Poland, Germans Nazi troops massacred the Jews in the Warsaw Ghetto.

 

1987: In Columbus, OH, the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) was organized, making it the largest Lutheran denomination in the U.S. It represented the merger of three smaller Lutheran bodies, and was officially born on Jan 1, 1988.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (“Blossom,” “Brotherly Love”) Joey Lawrence, 39 (audio clip)
  • Actor (Back to the Future movies) Crispin Glover, 51
  • Actress (Oscars for Tootsie and Blue Skies) Jessica Lange, 66
  • Actor (Love Story, Paper Moon) Ryan O’Neal, 74

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1908 : Lionel Hampton

1923 : Tito Puente

1939 : Johnny Tillotson

1945 : Jimmy Winston (The Moments, The Small Faces)

1948 : Craig Frost (Grand Funk Railroad)

1951 : Luther Vandross

1970 : Phife Dawg (A Tribe Called Quest)

1971 : Mikey Welsh (Weezer)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Where did we get the term “Gothic?”

Gothic was originally a term of criticism among the Italian Renaissance artists who coined it. The term implied that, compared to superior classical buildings, the Gothic medieval cathedrals were so crude that only a Goth could produce them. By indirectly condemning the Goths, the Italian architects revived an old hatred. The southward migration of these warring, loathsome German barbarians in the fifth century A.D. had contributed to the decline of ancient Rome.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

What started as a good day of golf for Jonny Diaz quickly fell apart. Jonny says he pared 6 of 7 holes before the water hazard did him in. He shared a short video showing his shot from the edge of the water bouncing off the bank and rebounding into a much deeper part of the hazard. The text from Jonny said: This is when it all fell apart.

 

The band Shiloh is asking for your help as the participate in their first ever tour. The are touring right now with 7eventh Time Down and Ryan Stevenson but this week shared that their bus keeps having trouble. We latest difficulty came when they blew up the transmission in Gulch, California. Band members say they we need funds to fix it so they can continue with the tour. If you would be willing to help go to the Shiloh fund raising page: http://www.gofundme.com/shilohmusictour

 

The up and coming band Among The Thirsty is asking for your help. This week someone broke into their trailer, making off with almost $10,000 worth of equipment and rendering the trailer unusable. Unfortunately band members say their insurance doesn’t cover anything. In response a friend of the band started a fund raising page to help Among The Thirsty raise $5,000 to replace some of their items. http://www.gofundme.com/amongthethirsty

 

 

The Jamie Grace foundation auction is now online. The first item on the auction is Jamie’s first vehicle but Jamie says more items will be added daily. A portion of the proceeds from the auction will go to help benefit families through the Jamie Grace foundation. Check out the auction items…

http://www.ebay.com/itm/261853334260?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1555.l2649u

 

 

Francesca Battistelli was living out her song This Is the Stuff this week. She tweeted that her tour bus broke down hours away from the venue, delaying their arrival at the site of their next concert. To make matters worse, her family was scheduled to come into town to spend the day with Francesca. Not a good day to be stranded hours away from where they were going to meet.

 

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard is asking for your prayers. He tweeted: If you guys could be praying for my voice I’d appreciate it! After 8 straight days of shows and writing it is getting pretty ratty!

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Police: ‘Tree Ninja’ caught chopping down tree with a hammer
BOSTON (AP) — Boston police say they have arrested a 65-year-old man they believe is the infamous “Brighton Tree Ninja.” For several years a vandal has been damaging newly planted trees and shrubbery in the city’s Brighton neighborhood. Authorities have been unable to apprehend the…

 

Connect the dots: Minnesota city gets umlauts back on signs    photo
ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) — Minnesota’s Great Umlaut Crisis is over — and without Gov. Mark Dayton having to use his paint and brushes. At Dayton’s order, road crews on Thursday restored the two small dots above the ‘o’ in Lindström (LINDT’-stroom) on two highway signs on the edge of the…
US Sen. Roberts’ ‘Frozen’ ringtone creates hearing hysterics
WASHINGTON (AP) — Sen. Pat Roberts is urging people to “let it go” after his cellphone filled a somber committee hearing room with the first few bars of a song from Disney’s “Frozen.” HASH(0x1397460) Twitter exploded, with the celebrity news focused TMZ and Roberts’ 2014 primary opponent,…
Police: Woman blames coffee-drinking parrot for car crash
UNIONTOWN, Pa. (AP) — State police say a woman blames her coffee-drinking pet parrot for distracting her moments before she crashed her car into a guardrail in Pennsylvania. Troopers from Uniontown say the 35-year-old woman was driving on a South Union Township road just before 5 p.m. Tuesday…
Trucker jailed for days after he couldn’t pay fine is freed
CANONSBURG, Pa. (AP) — A Florida truck driver jailed for days in Pennsylvania because he couldn’t pay a portion of the $17,000 fine he got for driving an overweight rig has been released. Fifty-six-year-old Francisco Amarales-Amarales, of Hialeah, had been jailed since Saturday. Court and…
Prosecutors: NY office worker posed as dentist, pulled teeth    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — An office manager was arraigned Thursday on charges she posed as a dentist when the real dentist was away and seriously injured patients after pulling their teeth, performing root canals on them and injecting their mouths, prosecutors said. Valbona Yzeiraj, who said she…
California man, 95, sets world record as oldest active pilot    photo
PLACERVILLE, Calif. (AP) — A 95-year-old Northern California man has become the world’s oldest active pilot. The Sacramento Bee (http://bit.ly/1yuDpQR ) reported Tuesday that Guinness World Record keepers confirmed that a flight last month by Peter Weber Jr. qualified him for the record book….
Booze clues: Fingerprints on bottle lead to robbery suspect
WILKES-BARRE, Pa. (AP) — Police say a suspect in a Pennsylvania liquor store stick up tripped himself up by leaving fingerprints on a whiskey bottle before pulling a gun and telling a cashier he was robbing the place to help his kids. Pedro Ewing is charged with robbery, retail theft and…
Maine man on the run ends up in mud hole, hits beaver bog
LIMINGTON, Maine (AP) — Maine police say a Baldwin man led them on a short car chase before getting stuck in a mud hole and running into a beaver bog in Limington. The York County Sheriff’s Office says officers tried to stop 47-year-old Stoy Daye’s car for loud exhaust when he drove off and…
Mayor seeks $51,000 raise after cutting predecessor’s salary
RAHWAY, N.J. (AP) — The new mayor of one New Jersey city wants to boost his salary to $72,000 after cutting his predecessor’s to $21,000 when he served on the City Council. Rahway Mayor Samson Steinman says former Mayor Rick Proctor did not work full time. HASH(0x13d48a0) Steinman says he…
Wolverine tries to escape from carrier at New Jersey airport
NEWARK, N.J. (AP) — Authorities say a wolverine tried to escape from its metal carrier at a New Jersey airport and had to be tranquilized. Joe Pentangelo with the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey says officers were called to Terminal C at Newark Liberty International Airport on…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Intersex surgeries spark move away from drastic treatment    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — She was born to a young Chicago couple, named Jennifer, and grew into a beautiful long-lashed child with wavy dark hair, big brown eyes and a yearning, youthful desire to be just like all the other girls. Only she wasn’t. Doctors first noticed her slightly enlarged genitals,…

 

Physicians want Dr. Oz gone from Columbia medical faculty    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Columbia University has not removed TV celebrity doctor Mehmet Oz from his faculty position as a group of top doctors has demanded, citing his “egregious lack of integrity” for promoting what they call “quack treatments.” “Dr. Oz has repeatedly shown disdain for science and…
Study: High school smoking fell as e-cigarette use boomed    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Teen smoking hit a new low last year while the popularity of electronic cigarettes and water pipes boomed, a government report shows. The number of high school students who tried e-cigarettes tripled in one year — to more than 13 percent. Water pipes or hookahs were used…
Financial incentives OK’d for workplace wellness programs    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — In a victory for business, federal regulators said Thursday that employers can continue to use financial penalties and rewards to nudge staff to participate in fast-growing workplace wellness programs. But the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission — which enforces…
Families make videos to reassure patients with dementia    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — For 94-year-old Louise Irving, who suffers from dementia, waking up every day to a video with a familiar face and a familiar voice seems to spark a flicker of recognition. “Good morning, merry sunshine, how did you wake so soon?” Irving’s daughter, Tamara Rusoff-Hoen, sings in…
Study: US moms typically space pregnancies 2½ years apart    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — For U.S. moms, the typical time between pregnancies is about 2½ years but nearly a third of women space their children too close, a government study shows. Experts say mothers should wait at least 18 months to give their body time to recover and increase the chances the next…
Florida governor says he’ll sue Obama over hospital money
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) — Florida Gov. Rick Scott said Thursday he is suing the Obama administration for withholding federal money for hospitals that serve the poor, saying they are doing so because the state won’t expand Medicaid. The announcement is another twist in what has been a gritty…
Disney-linked measles outbreak soon to be over in California    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — A measles outbreak that began at Disneyland and reignited debate about vaccinations is nearing an end. The outbreak will be declared over in California on Friday if no new cases pop up, according to the California Department of Public Health. Disease investigators worked…
Drug strategy agency mixing health, safety proposed in NYC
NEW YORK (AP) — A new drug policy agency would focus as much on health as on policing under a proposal a New York City lawmaker introduced Thursday to shift how the nation’s biggest city approaches illegal drug use. The drug strategy office would advise city leaders on lowering drug-related…
Study: Many Medicare cataract patients given needless tests
Millions of older people are getting tests they don’t need to prove they are healthy enough to have cataracts removed, a new study finds. The excess testing before this quick, ultra-safe eye procedure is costing them and Medicare a bundle, and many patients don’t know they can question it, doctors…
USDA veterinarian: Bird flu outbreak could be ‘devastating’    photo
ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) — The nation’s poultry industry may have to live with a deadly bird flu strain for several years, which would be “devastating,” the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s chief veterinary officer said Thursday. Dr. John Clifford also said that while new cases should drop to…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

Join my new Facebook group, download the free app for Apple or Android, subscribe to my YouTube channel, sign up or my newsletter, visit my Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and more at www.DailyDoseOfWeirdNews.com! [Theme music provided by Turner Broadcast Music Library and 615 Music.]

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Ever wonder why specific sounds bother you. According to Time Magazine, there is actually a name for it. It’s called misophonia—the “hatred of sound”—a condition that causes people to feel irritated, or even enraged or disgusted when they hear specific noises. Scientists don’t fully understand why specific noises frustrate misophonia sufferers, but early research suggests a hyper connectivity between the auditory system and the limbic system, a part of the brain that deals with emotions. According to Time Magazine, the top cringe worthy sounds, starting at number one, are: #1 – soup slurping.  #2 – gum chewing.  #3 – nose sniffing.  #4 – nail clipping.  #5 – knuckle cracking. ***And #6 – listening to my Daily Dose of Weird News.  http://ti.me/1bnjBnT

 

Bob Barnard’s ears are a little too cozy. The Washington DC reporter was doing a piece on Museum Week when an African Moon Moth decided to land on Barnard’s ear. The moth eventually left but not without leaving two souvenirs: moth eggs.  ***MARLAR: Bob has not yet decided whether he’ll keep the babies or give them up for adoption.

 

The woolly mammoth has been extinct for hundreds, or possibly thousands of years, but now, researchers are attempting to bring it back to life. A team at Harvard has successfully inserted woolly mammoth DNA into the genetic code of an elephant.  ***Isn’t this how Jurassic Park started?  And that worked out soooo well.

 

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is confident he can defeat Hillary Clinton for president, saying: “If I run, I will beat her.”  ***No… I’m pretty sure as big as you are, she’d outrun you.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A new study reveals that fish living near wastewater treatment plants have been found to contain various medicines designed to treat cholesterol, allergies, high blood pressure, bipolar disorder, and depression.  ***MARLAR: Sounds like they might be the healthiest fish in the world.

 

More good new for chocolate lovers. We know dark chocolate may help our hearts. Now a study in the Archives of Internal Medicine cites another benefit: People who ate dark chocolate often had lower body mass indexes. Try and ounce of dark chocolate (70% cacao) daily.  ***MARLAR: Which is awesome with ice cream and a big glass of whole chocolate milk.

 

The sound a number makes can influence our decisions about it. In a recent study, one group was shown an ad for an ice-cream scoop that was priced at $7.66, while another was shown an ad for a $7.22 scoop. The lower price is the better deal, of course, but the higher price (with its silky s’s) makes a smaller sound than the lower price (with its rattling t’s).  And because small sounds usually name small things, shoppers who were offered the scoop at the higher but whispery price of $7.66 were more likely to buy it than those offered the noisier price of $7.22 – but only if they’d been asked to say the price aloud.  ***MARLAR: So from now on, I’m making my opinion available to you for the low, low price of just $6.66.  Go ahead… say it out loud.  Six-sixty-six…

 

Do you do the same thing every day when you get to work? I’m not talking about the work itself, but other things. Do you always wear a favorite tie? Do you always use a certain coffee mug? A new report says doing that can actually make you more productive and happier in your job. In a survey of over 1,500 people, most of them said they wore their favorite clothes to important meetings to make them feel more confident. Three out of four said they rewarded themselves with a snack (like chocolate) for completing their least favorite job duties. ***MARLAR: This is absolutely true.  In fact, my least favorite duty is getting up in the morning, and I reward myself by immediately going back to sleep.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Airplane Black Box”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Thor Ramsey, “Hair and Fitness”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Sully the Aardvark was extremely angry at Gruffy Bear for continually breaking promises to play checkers with him. And the bowling team in the tournament, which started this whole mess, doesn’t need Gruffy anymore now either…

 

CLOSE: It’s good that Sully isn’t holding a grudge in all of this – and finding Nozzles to play checkers with is a great idea. But now Gruffy is really depressed about how he acted. Will he be able to make everything right again? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 25/26, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson, after escaping from the hospital to avoid getting his tonsils taken out, found that because of his cowardice, most of his friends, family, and even children in the future will all suffer cowardice as well – getting sick and dying from following Marvy’s example!

 

CLOSE: Tune in next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode in the never-ending deep-jungle saga that is As The Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Visual examples are a great learning tool – as one ski instructor found out!

Austrian ski instructor Guenther Muehlenbach took his students to the edge of a slope to explain the dangers of leaving marked trails and exposing oneself to a potential avalanche. Guenther demonstrated by leaving the marked trail, where he was instantly swept away by an avalanche. Guenther is now in a hospital being treated for shock and hypothermia. ***MARLAR: And, perhaps, ironic disbelief.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN TIMES YOU SHOULD NEVER USE YOUR CELL PHONE

 

  1. At the movies. Unless your conversation will be funnier than what I’m seeing on the big screen.

    9. During a funeral. Pay your respects with your heart, not your ringtones.

    8. In a meeting. Especially if you’ve called it. Or if your boss is there.

    7. In the hospital delivery room. Especially if it’s your wife (and child) on the table.

    6. At a restaurant. Unless you’re calling the waitperson because your coffee cup has been empty longer than two minutes.

    5. At a wedding. The only rings here should be the ones on the happy couple’s fingers.

    4. In a museum. You’re there to use your eyes, not your ears.

    3. While driving. You may like the challenge of handling a cell phone, a steaming cup of coffee, the morning paper, and a 4,000 pound vehicle all at the same time, but it just ain’t safe.

    2. At a concert. You can’t yell loud enough to be heard anyway.

    1. In worship. God may call you, but he won’t do it through Verizon.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Some two-bit crooks are behind bars after they dropped the dimes on themselves.

 

FILE #1: An Appleton, Wisconsin police officer was investigating a robbery at a store. While checking outside for footprints in the snow he noticed a quarter. He walked a little further and saw another coin, and then a little further and saw another one. The trail of change ran for four blocks and onto the front porch of a home. The men inside were arrested after they apparently loaded stolen rolls of coins into a milk crate, which then spilled out during their getaway.

 

FILE #2: In Kansas City, Kansas, a man who tried to steal an ATM with a backhoe was arrested when he asked police officers who were chasing him for help after he jumped into the Kansas River.  ***MARLAR: If there’s a bank fee for withdrawing money from an ATM, I can only imagine what the fee might be for withdrawing the ATM from a bank.

 

FILE #3: Police in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, were in a standoff with the occupants of a house on Tuesday. Officers said they were worried about reported drug activity at the house and called for a tactical team. For hours they tried to make contact with anybody in the house. After seven hours, agents approached the house and found… no one inside.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Louisiana, it is illegal to gargle in public places.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A man avoids prison by sending someone else there instead – and he claims its for drug rehab?

A criminal, who avoided prison by bribing another guy to go in his place, is finally behind bars. Dexter Mathis, who was jailed for 20 months after pleading guilty to receiving stolen money, paid Pierre Carlton to serve the sentence. All was well with the scheme until Carlton decided to escape with only 47 days left on the sentence. As to why Carlton would go to prison for someone else, the man said he wanted to use the time in prison to beat his addiction to crack cocaine. Mathis also paid Carlton $1,000. During his time in prison, Carlton also got the equivalent of a high school diploma, although it was in Mathis’ name. Meanwhile, Mathis is now serving his original sentence and faces further charges of conspiring to defraud the United States. His lawyer claims he was just trying to help Carlton get off drugs. ***MARLAR: Oh yes, he’s a saint. He sacrificially gave up his prison sentence for another man.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Today is LOOKALIKE DAY. What celebrity do people say you look like?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What interpreter of dreams was in exile in Babylon?

ANSWER: Daniel (Daniel 1:1-6)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What size pumps did cross-dressing Corporal Max Klinger  wear on the TV sitcom M*A*S*H? 

ANSWER: Size 10 (audio clip)

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The Mexican Jumping Bean is actually an insect. (True. It is a thin-shelled section of a seed capsule containing the larva of a small gray moth called the jumping bean moth <Laspeyresia saltitans>).

 

  1. The English-language alphabet originally had 28 letters, not 26. (False. It had only 24. One missing letter was J, which was the last letter to be added to the alphabet. The other latecomer to the alphabet was U.)

 

  1. The most famous movie theatre is the “Chinese Theatre” located in Los Angeles, USA. (True)

 

  1. The average life span of a peasant during the medieval ages was only 35 years. (False – it was only 25!)

 

  1. Great White sharks have about 3,000 teeth. (True)

 

  1. There is a doggy disco held in Italy every year where owners can dance with their dogs. (True… the fox trot?)

 

  1. The most frequently performed stage illusion is sawing the woman in half. (False, it’s the “Zig Zag Girl.” In this trick, a woman stands in a cabinet and appears to be cut into three pieces.)

 

  1. In 1971, the postal code was introduced in Ottawa, Ontario. (True)

 

  1. In New York City, approximately 1,600 people are bitten by other humans annually. (True)

 

  1. In-vitro babies are born in the U.S. more than any other country in the world. (False – there are more born in Australia)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ EXPLODES IN FUNERAL HOME (DEAD BODY)

The corpse blew a casket!

Family members who gather at a Texas funeral home to mourn the death of 38-year-old Robert Cavazos Jr. reeled in horror when the dead man’s corpse suddenly exploded, according to their shocking lawsuit.

The force of the blast ripped open Cavazos’ cement-lined coffin and filled the funeral home in Raymondville, Texas with “a horrendous, foul odor,” according to Maria Perez, the family’s attorney.

The lawyer said Cavazos’ body exploded because it was not embalmed and gases formed within the corpse as the decomposition process occurred.

“Robert’s 82-year-old mother, Theresa, and about 20 mourners were at the funeral home on a Sunday morning in a room with the casket when they hear a loud explosion and smelled a real foul stench,” Miss Perez told WWN.

“They could see the body through the cracked casket and saw that Robert had been buried in his underwear,”  Miss Perez said.

“They still have nightmares!”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.

After seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

 

JOKE #2

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because,” he replied, “that’s a microwave.”

 

JOKE #3

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves. One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”

Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”

Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.” As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for 3 days…”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Six-year-old Natsumi Shirahige released a balloon into the sky in Japan with a note asking the finder of the balloon to write back to her and her school.  That was fifteen years ago – and the note was found on a fish that was caught 3,300 feet below the surface of the Pacific Ocean!  A fisherman found the note sitting on the sticky flatfish in his catch along with a piece of the string and red balloon.  It’s still a mystery how the note survived for so many years, or how it ended up stuck to a fish.  ***MARLAR: Why would it be such a surprise to find a fish with a note?  After all, they do have schools!

 

A vet in Battersea, England, gave a shar-pei dog an eye-and brow lift when its skin got so wrinkly, it covered his eyes and blinded him.  ***MARLAR: That’s why some people use Botox!

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

BIBLE CLASS
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THANK YOU

A postman could end up in prison because of junk mail!

Postman Robert Cloyd did something that you will definitely appreciate. 51 year old Cloyd dumped 1,088 pieces of advertising mail into a trash bin outside the post office where he works in Chicago. Apparently, he was tired of delivering junk mail so he took it upon himself to get rid of it all one day. But it’s against the law to do that. Even though Cloyd dumped not one piece of first class mail, he has been charged with the misdemeanor offense of mail desertion, which carries a maximum sentence of one year in prison and a possible $100,000 fine. ***MARLAR: I can see his point… can you imagine getting attacked by some guy’s dog every day just so you can deliver a post-card saying it’s time to think about spaying or neutering your pet?

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THOUGHTS TO PONDER

“God rarely gives you a sign that you are on the right track, until after you have stepped out on faith! Because that’s what faith is … believing in God’s Power, believing in His Word, believing every promise that He has made! In His Wisdom, God knows that it doesn’t build your faith if He gives you a written road map for each and every thing you do. He wants you to believe in Him, not in signs, or wonders, or yourself. He wants you to step out on faith alone … knowing that He is there, with you, always.” –Author Unknown

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GOD HELP ME!

Read: Jeremiah 2:26-30

Where then are the gods you made for yourselves? –Jeremiah 2:28

Ever notice how some people react to tragedy? The most non-religious people suddenly clamor for God’s attention and help, even though they had been ignoring Him for years.

Crying for God’s help… according to the newspapers, that happened a lot after the tragedy at Columbine High School 2 years ago. When the school erupted with senseless violence, all kinds of people suddenly cried out to the Lord for rescue. In the aftermath, many pleaded for comfort. It happens too when people are faced with tremendous loss due to natural disasters such as floods and earthquakes.

It would be nice to think that the heavenly Father is just waiting for times of panic so He can send all the emergency equipment of heaven to our rescue. But according to the Bible, that’s not always the way it works.

God may instead use tragedy to show us the emptiness of our self-centered values and the powerlessness of the gods of this world.

Through Jeremiah, the Lord challenged His people Israel. They were in deep trouble, and they were trying to get help from the idols they had been worshiping. So the Lord forced them to face the futility of trusting false gods.

God could ask us the same question He asked Israel. What if He said, “Why call on Me now that you’re in trouble? Where are your basketball stars and your famed musicians? Where are your beautiful movie stars? Why not seek help from your big-screen TV, appeal to your paycheck, take comfort in your new car, buy a 6-pack, or rely on your credit cards? You’ve been serving these gods faithfully. Let them help you now!”

Not very consoling, is it? God doesn’t want us to think we can trust the gods of this age and still expect Him to step in and protect us from the consequences. In His grace He always grants us forgiveness if we are truly repentant. And He offers us hope and help when we learn to depend on Him in good times and bad.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

GET A WHIFF OF THIS

Finally… a way to keep the bugs away from you this summer! The secret is garlic! U.S. Scientists have discovered that bugs find the smell of strong garlic very offensive. A new product called Garlic Barrier says that it’s garlic spray keeps away birds, rabbits, deer, mosquitoes, and armadillos. ***MARLAR: It also keeps away neighbors, parents, and any social life you might have a shot at.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

COLLECTIBLES

There was a time not so long ago that you thought you would retire on your Beanie Baby collection. While the Beanies have taken a nosedive, there are still some hot collectibles to make money on.

Vintage baseball cards and psychedelic posters from San Francisco’s Fillmore Ballroom are money makers. Then there are some collectibles that never go out of style like Chippendale or Queen Anne furniture. Believe it or not, other hot items are old fashioned weather vanes and appliances from the 1970s, if they’re in avocado, autumn harvest, or rust colors. Of course, the biggest collectible market is for toys, especially from the 1950’s and 60’s. However, if you don’t have any of that stuff and want to start planning for your future, look for what the kids are playing with nowadays and buy those.  Of course, whatever you do, don’t open the boxes or you’ll lose most of the value.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

HOLY COW!

A man is injured… by a falling cow!

Imagine yourself sitting quietly at a coffeehouse, reading the paper and drinking your favorite cappuccino. Suddenly you hear a loud crash, and the next thing you can recall is waking up in the hospital. “What happened?” you ask your friends. They look around the room, start giggling, laughing, and then finally explode in boisterous laughter as they explain that a cow fell on you! Sounds like a joke – but it really happened to Ethem Sahin. He was playing dominoes with some friends at his favorite coffeehouse when the cow fell through the ceiling and knocked him unconscious. Ethem was treated in the hospital for a broken leg and needed seven stitches to his forehead. The cow apparently wandered from the hillside where it was grazing onto the roof of the coffee house, which was built into the side of the hill. The cow was not seriously injured. ***MARLAR: On the plus side, the coffeehouse has offered Ethem free cream in his coffee for life.

 

 

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED…

  • Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”.
  • The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
  • People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
  • You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
  • You get inpatient waiting for your dinner to be ready… from the microwave.
  • You find yourself trying to convince a nutritionist that M&Ms are a food group.
  • When you no longer care what the public thinks about you or your children as you jump up and down and laugh maniacally in the grocery store imitating your child’s behavior.
  • You are happy that your child needs some time in their room.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY (using Monday’s post). The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago. Posted as new entries become available.

Wise Guy

Once upon a time there was a worker who was unhappy with his lot in life. Specifically, his job. It seemed like he had hit his advancement ceiling. His neighbor was likewise unhappy with his work. He needed something new and invigorating to revitalize his career. Oddly, the neighbor across the street was hurting because someone decided he was no longer a fit for the company. He was unhappy because he was unemployed.
Now, a fourth neighbor on the block wasn’t unhappy with her work at all. As a matter of fact, she was just offered a remarkable opportunity. But she lacked the right information to help her make a wise decision.
All four of these valuable workforce members had something in common. They were ripe for some wise counsel from the very creative, bestselling author Jon Acuff. Actually, they just needed his new book, Do Over.
I had Jon Acuff as a guest on my talk show this past week. It was the very day of his book release. Do Over focuses on how to build a “career savings account.” As Jon sees it, virtually everyone in the work world will face a “Career Bump,” a “Career Jump,” a “Career Ceiling” or a “Career Opportunity.” All of these would benefit greatly from learning key techniques to advancing the next step. It is a good read.
I first came across Jon Acuff as I was looking over his tongue-in-cheek writing on Stuff Christians Like. Jon has a fine sense of humor and is capable of delivering serious material in a not-so-serious way. His presentations fit the same bill.
Acuff was on the team of Dave Ramsey for a few years. Then he made his own career jump. No real warning. No big opporunity waiting. He claims it was just right time for such a move. Apparently, he likes risk. Truth be told, he was still in the throes of having a New York Times bestseller, Start.
I heard Jon deliver an excellent presentation at the weeklong course of Ramsey’s called Entre Leadership. Few speakers have such good command of an audience. His talent has been well groomed.
Certain writers and speakers have a treasured gift of giving others hope and encouragement. The sum of that encouragement often exceeds the technical quality of the message. What I mean by that can be illustrated by my former Sunday School teacher, Zig Ziglar.
Zig was not teaching rocket science. Neither is Jon. Zig was about “folksy” and real life, told in stories. Jon Acuff is a story teller as well. But the impact of the message by both of these message senders is borne out extremely well with audiences. TED talks demonstrate this. They are a form of masterful communication.
Delivering hope and encouragement, with life changing results, requires something else. One must challenge the status quo. People who genuinely want a better life must face both truth and a change of pattern or habits. You can love a new way of thinking but do you love it enough to embrace the changes required … whatever form that takes?
The very best at this was none other than the Creator of all humankind. He is more commonly referred to as Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus and His parables are legendary. His words are still changing lives every single day. Many could not, and cannot, bear up under His revolutionary style.
But who better to follow? After one of His more difficult sessions, this followed: “At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him. Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, ‘Are you also going to leave?’ Simon Peter replied, ‘Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life.’”  (John 6:66-68, NLT)
Are you learning from the wisdom teachers? Remember, when the going gets tough, the tough pull up another TED talk … or read their Bibles. 

As Mr. Miyagi would say: Banzai, Daniel-san! Banzai!

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

FIVE THINGS THAT MAKE A GREAT DAD.

Here are the five most important qualities of a great dad according to the experts.

  • Consistency: Some dads would rather be a “pal” to their kids and they bend the rules every so often. Children need clear and definite limits in their lives… regular bedtimes, curfews, etc.
  • Sense of humor: This is the other side of the consistency coin. While discipline is important, it’s also important NOT to become a humorless drill sergeant. Children value a strong parental figure who knows how to joke and laugh with them.
  • Patience: A lot of fathers don’t let kids finish their own sentences. It’s important to let children say their piece even though you’ve heard the story a thousand times before. Your children want to communicate.
  • Safe Driving: A fathers driving habits have an effect on their children’s sense of security.
  • Prioritization of parenthood: That simply means making fatherhood the most important thing in your life.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Posted as stories become available. No stories posted on the weekends – unless I feel like it.

Earlier this year Dan Price took a $930,000 pay cut. Price, the founder and CEO of Gravity Payments in Seattle, decided to raise the minimum salary at his 120-person payment processing company to $70,000. At a company where the average pay was $48,000 per year, the move affected 70 workers, 30 of whom saw their salaries double. Most of the money for these raises will come from cutting Price’s salary — which is now $70,000 per year rather $1 million. The rest will come out of the $2.2 million the company expects to earn in profit this year. http://huff.to/1NDQZI4

 

In the early ’90s, Pitcher Matt LaChappa seemed destined for greatness. He was fast becoming a rising star in the Padres minor league organization, when, on one evening in 1996, he suffered two massive heart attacks. But what happened next was completely unexpected — Priscilla Oppenheimer was the director of Minor League operations for the Padres. Even though he could no longer play ball, she re-signed him the following season to his existing minor league contract. Priscilla said: “Every year I would just give him a new contract, it was for a minimum amount of salary, but it was the insurance that really helped, especially since he needed 24 hour care.” Twenty years later, Matt LaChappa is still a Padre, still signed to that same minor league deal that Oppenheimer drew up all those years ago.

 

Pope Francis’ old iPad sold for $30,500 at an auction in Uruguay this week with the proceeds benefiting a high school in the country. Officials from the Uruguayan auction house that handled the bidding told ABC News the pontiff gave the iPad to a Uruguayan priest with the hope that he would find a way to do something good with the tablet. The priest donated the iPad to the high school, which will receive the $30,500 windfall from the holiest iPad. http://abcn.ws/1b3ewBn

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

To you taxpayers out there, let me say this: I hope you filed your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a ‘pain in the neck,’ the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 17, 2015…

 

Unfriended—Another film with found footage, the story is about the past year, when a high school student commits suicide from being bullied. A year later, friends (and not so friendly people) are online when someone interrupts and says they will eventually die. What to do? Stars Heather Sossaman. Another working title was “Cyper Natural.” “Unfriended” is rated R. No rating.

 

Monkey Kingdom—This movie is a Disney Nature documentary about a family of Toque Macaque monkeys living in jungles near Laos and have to move when hostile monkeys come along. The mother takes her babies (including one called “Kip”),  to a new location and it is a dangerous journey. “Monkey Kingdom” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for nature fans. Narrator is Tina Fey.

 

Child 44 (opening in select cities)—Based on Tom Rob Smith’s novel of  2008, it has Tom Hardy starring as a Russian police detective who gets involved in a case of murdered children under the Stalin regime. Also in the cast are Noomi Rapace, Vincent Cassel and Joel Kinneman. “Child 44” is rated R. No rating.

 

Paul Blart: Mall Cop—Kevin James co-wrote this film that continues the adventures of his character, Paul Blart, Mall Cop. This time, Paul is doing security in Las Vegas and, of course, gets into many adventures. The first film was a hit. The cast includes Neal McDonaugh, David Henne and Raini Rodriguez. “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of Kevin James.

 

Clouds of Sils Maria (opening in select cities)—This film is really a study of three women working to put on a play by a noted playwright. Juliette Binoche is seen as the lead actress in a younger role and then studying for an older role in the same play, while Kristen Stewart is her assistant and Chloe Grace Morentz is auditioning for the role that Juliette used to play. How gracefully do people age, especially those in front of the spotlight?  “Clouds of Sils Maria” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

True Story—Based on the memoir by newspaperman Michael Finkel, this is the story of convicted murderer Christian Longo, who killed his wife and three children in Oregon, then escaped to Mexico. Finkel was an alias he used. James Franco stars as Longo, with Jonah Hill as Michael Finkel, and Gretchen Moi. “True Story” is rated R. No rating.

 

 

APRIL 24, 2015…

 

Little Boy is a story of a child during WWII who decides he wants to end the war.

 

The Water Diviner has the directing debut of actor Russell Crowe as a farmer in central Europe, trying to find his sons in a war.

 

Infinitely Polar Bear (opening in select cities) is a Mark Ruffalo comedy about married life with children.

 

The Age Of Adaline  is a romance film that stars Blake Lively as a woman who doesn’t age.

 

Ex Machina is a science fiction film about making a robot that is almost human. Stars Domhnall Gleeson.

 

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.