April 20, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

 

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160420

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And now, LIVE in its entirety, it’s (THE JOCK SHOW)!

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields!  They are ripe for harvest.”  –John 4:35

 

At just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. — Romans 5:6-8

 

The Lord your God will raise up for you a prophet like [Moses] from among your own brothers. You must listen to him. — Deuteronomy 18:15

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit. — 1 Thessalonians 4:7-8

 

Thought: The call to holiness is easy to ignore in a world which lives by much different standards. Satan gets us to compare our lifestyle with those around us, deluding us into devaluing our sins in comparison to others. But the issue is not comparison shopping our sin; the issue is a thankful heart that has been cleansed by the Holy Spirit and saved by grace. Ignoring, or toning down, the Spirit’s call for holiness is rejecting God. Let’s be passionate about holiness in our lives, both because it is what God wants and also because it is what we should seek.

 

Prayer: Father, forgive me for trying to water down the significance of my sin. Use your Spirit to kindle in me a passion for holiness and please empower me to live in a way which honors you for all that you have done to save me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 John 4:20 NIV = If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.

 

 

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – APRIL 20, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 248 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is GO AROUND SINGING “YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE” UNTIL EVERYBODY SCREAMS DAY***MARLAR: That shouldn’t take too long.

 

Today is NATIONAL TAKE A BREAK TO RESET YOUR MIND DAY.  ***MARLAR: Which you’ll need after listening all day to someone singing “You Light Up My Life”.

 

Today is the ANNIVERSARY OF SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED SO LONG AGO EVERYONE HAS FORGOTTEN WHAT IT WAS DAY.

 

Today is LOOK ALIKE DAY.  ***MARLAR: By the way, why do the Goth kids, who are anti-conformists, all look the same?

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Chinese Language Day

International Cli-Fi Day

National Cheddar Fries Day

National Pot Smokers Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

THURSDAY, APRIL 21

Bulldogs are Beautiful Day

High Five Day

National Ask An Atheist Day

National D.A.R.E. Day

Kindergarten Day

National Chocolate-Covered Cashews Day

National Surprise Drug Test Day (***How can it be a surprise if we know today is National Surprise Drug Test Day?)

Queen’s Birthday

 

FRIDAY, APRIL 22

Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day

Earth Day

Girl Scout Leaders Day

Global Selfie Earth Day (NASA)

“In God We Trust” Day

Mother Earth Day

National Jelly Bean Day

Passover

Satchmo Days (22-24)

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 23

English Language Day

Impossible Astronaut Day

National Dance Day

National Lost Dog Awareness Day

Movie Theater Day

Talk Like Shakespeare Day

World Book & Copyright Day

World Book Night

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 24

Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day

National Pet Parents’ Day

Pinhole Photography Day

Mother, Father Deaf Day

New Kids On The Block Day

World Meningitis Day

 

MONDAY, APRIL 25

DNA Day
Eeyore’s Birthday

Hairstylists Appreciation Day

Hug a Plumber Day (Plumbers Day)

International Marconi Day

License Plates Day

National Mani-Pedi Day

Malaria Awareness Day

Parental Alienation Day

Red Hat Society Day

Save the Frogs Day

Sense of Smell Day

Spring Astronomy Day

World Day for Animals in Laboratories

World Penguin Day

 

TUESDAY, APRIL 26

Audubon Day

Hug An Australian Day

National Help a Horse Day

National Kids and Pets Day

National Pretzel Day

Richter Scale Day

World Intellectual Property Day

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27

Administrative Professionals Day (Secretary’s Day)

Babe Ruth Day
International Guide Dogs Day

Mantanzas Mule Day

Morse Code Day

National Little Pampered Dog Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1905: Stanley Marcus was born. He originated the Neiman-Marcus fashion shows. ***MARLAR: Stanley Marcus proved the theory that if you feature clothing on women that are impossible to look like, you too can be a huge success.

 

1912: On a game-winning two-out single by Tris Speaker in the 11th inning, the Boston Red Sox edge the New York Yankees 7-6. It was the Sox first game in their elegant new stadium, Fenway Park.

 

1942: Boston Braves manager Casey Stengel got so mad at rookie pitcher Warren Spahn because he was unable to hit Dodgers shortstop Pee Wee Reese in four pitches, he sent Spahn back to the minors to learn better control. Spahn returned to the majors four years later to become the winningest lefthander of all time.

 

1959: Singer George Jones scored his first #1 country hit with “White Lightnin.” He had recorded earlier as Hank Smith and Thumper Jones.

 

1971: The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the use of busing to achieve racial desegregation in public schools.

 

1981: An investigator for the Dallas district attorney’s office was fired for biting off part of a man’s ear in a brawl after a Texas Rangers’ baseball game.

 

1989: On the 100th anniversary of Adolph Hitler’s birth, a survey showed that 44% of West Germans still thought that German blood should be kept pure.

 

1991: Kennesaw, Georgia, unveiled the street sign that would mark its new General Norman Schwartzkopf Avenue. They misspelled Schwarzkopf.

 

1991: The Hastings Reminder in Michigan reported the marriage of Michelle Johnson and David Wax, both of Kentwood. The photo caption was, of course, Johnson-Wax.

 

1992: Madonna signed with Time Warner to set up a multimedia company, reportedly making “the material girl” the highest paid woman in pop music.

 

1993: A quick thinking teller in Mainz, Germany, did exactly as she was told, almost, and an inattentive bank robber escaped with a money bag jam-packed with trash.

 

1993: President Clinton accepted responsibility for the decision to try and end the 51-day siege at the Branch Davidian compound in Texas, but he said David Koresh bore “ultimate responsibility” for the deaths that resulted.   ***MARLAR: So his thought process was, “I take full responsibility for this, and it’s that other guy’s fault.”

 

1999: An 8-year-old boy plunged 17 stories from a Hong Kong apartment but survived after hitting four clotheslines on the way down and landing on a canopy. He was hospitalized with a broken arm and leg, but no life-threatening injuries.

 

1999: Actress Jane Seymour received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

 

2001: A British security firm launched a new security alarm that made burglars sick. The device emitted a screech that made anyone within earshot throw up within seconds. The Inferno alarm was devised by the Swedish army and took 10 years to perfect. The sound was compared to someone scratching long nails down a blackboard.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1441: During the Council of Florence (1438-45), Eugenius IV issued the bull “Etsi non dubitemus,” which asserted the superiority of the pope over the Councils.

 

1718: Birth of David Brainerd, colonial American missionary to the Indians of New England. Following his premature death from tuberculosis at 29, Brainerd’s journal (published in 1649 by the Jonathan Edwards) influenced hundreds to become missionaries after him.

 

1826: Birth of Erastus Johnson, American hymnwriter. A lifelong student of the Bible, Johnson, at age 47, penned the hymn, “O Sometimes the Shadows are Deep” (a.k.a. “The Rock That Is Higher Than I”).

 

1943: In Poland, Germans Nazi troops massacred the Jews in the Warsaw Ghetto.

 

1987: In Columbus, OH, the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) was organized, making it the largest Lutheran denomination in the U.S. It represented the merger of three smaller Lutheran bodies, and was officially born on Jan 1, 1988.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (“Blossom,” “Brotherly Love”) Joey Lawrence, 40 (audio clip)
  • Actor (Back to the Future movies) Crispin Glover, 52
  • Actress (Oscars for Tootsie and Blue Skies) Jessica Lange, 67
  • Actor (Love Story, Paper Moon, “Bones”) Ryan O’Neal, 75

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1908 : Lionel Hampton

1923 : Tito Puente

1939 : Johnny Tillotson

1945 : Jimmy Winston (The Moments, The Small Faces)

1948 : Craig Frost (Grand Funk Railroad)

1951 : Luther Vandross

1970 : Phife Dawg (A Tribe Called Quest)

1971 : Mikey Welsh (Weezer)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Where did we get the term “Gothic?”

Gothic was originally a term of criticism among the Italian Renaissance artists who coined it. The term implied that, compared to superior classical buildings, the Gothic medieval cathedrals were so crude that only a Goth could produce them. By indirectly condemning the Goths, the Italian architects revived an old hatred. The southward migration of these warring, loathsome German barbarians in the fifth century A.D. had contributed to the decline of ancient Rome.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Jason Roy says the company you work with can make all the difference. TheBuilding 429 front man was putting up outside lights at their home over the weekend and posted: I’ve never enjoyed doing a lighting install as much as I did yesterday with my son Avery.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BENEhHvwhvN/

 

Third Day is again giving you a behind the scenes view of their tour devotionals during the tour with Steven Curtis Chapmen. Members of Third Day posted: get our tour devotions straight from the dressing room by following our tour pastor Nigel James on his twitter account: @NigelJames3d

 

Lauren Daigle will be heading to Hawaii this summer. She announced this week: So excited to put my feet in the sand…Cliff jump…Swim with turtles…and Surf. But she’s also pumped for some solid worship time, some good laughs, and for God’s presence to fill us up! Lauren will lead worship at the Bloom conference in Honolulu June 24 and 25. It’s described as An Event for the Next Generation of Female Leaders

 

Hillsong United’s Joel Houston and Taya Smith recently sat down to talk about the band’s new song ‘Say The Word’.

http://hil.so/s/5hi

 

New Love and the Outcome music is available only at their shows and on the radio. The husband and wife duo released their new song The God I Know to radio this week. Right now the song is only available on the radio or through an EP that they sell at their shows. Chris and Jodi say it will eventually also be included on their new album that is currently in the works.

 

Jamie Grace says her voice is kinda messed up. She quoted her dad when he said, “oh girl you sound bad…like a train…a train wreck…” Jamie says her voice is getting better but it’s still rough.

 

Casting Crowns is featured in a 7-day devotional series on the YouVersion Bible platform. This devotional dives deeper in to some of the songs from our most recent album “A Live Worship Experience”.

http://bible.com/r/bk

 

 

The members of Stars Go Dim may have to be reintroduced to their families. They posted this week: enjoying our first relaxing week at home in five months.

 

Lauren Daigle recently posted pictures as she celebrated a Louisiana Saturday night. Lauren is enjoying some down time before joining Hillsong United for the next leg of their Empires Tour. The Louisiana native was enjoying crawdads with friend and she says they consumed four plastic bags full in one sitting.

 

Colton Dixon is cleaning out his closet and he’s making many items available on line. This week Colton started an ebay site called Colton’s closet. It features designer clothing he wore either on tour, on a variety of red carpets, or during photo shoots. And Colton says more items will be added to the auction down the road. Check out Colton’s closet…

http://www.ebay.com/usr/coltonscloset

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

LG has developed a new line of refrigerators that can open automatically.  ***Because that’s exactly what the world needed – one more way to avoid burning calories and making any effort as we reach for the double-chocolate-chunk.

 

The next big thing may just be flexible computer and television screens. LG Display recently gave the BBC and exclusive hands-on look at their new screen. It can be rolled up and scrunched around, and the display is full HD. The current model is 18in corner to corner, but the team at LG say they’re aiming for screens that are 55in and beyond.  ***So now while watching TV, if you see your dog pee on the floor, you can roll up you TV and hit your dog in the nose with it.  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-35230043

 

Police in China have seized and destroyed almost 20 tons of smuggled chicken feet. ***Chicken feet?  I’d think people would be thankful someone would take them away!

 

Guns N’ Roses lead singer Axl Rose is now also the lead singer for AC/DC.  ***So you can now expect your AC/DC concerts to also run an hour-and-a-half late.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Biologists report that Minnesota moose are dying at an alarming rate.  ***Authorities have eliminated the possibility of a Russian plot, since no squirrels have been harmed.

 

A recent survey on jeans reveals that men take longer to find the perfect pair than women. One-third of women polled try on up to 10 pairs before making a purchase, while some of the men in the survey admit to trying on as many as 20 pair before finding the perfect-fitting jeans.  ***MARLAR: That may be true – but while a woman will buy one or two pair, we guys will buy 15 pair so we never have to go shopping again.

 

A woman in London claims she is allergic to modern living. Cars, microwave ovens, cellphones — they all emit electromagnetic waves which she claims causes her skin to rash and her eyelids to swell.  ***MARLAR: Odd… that’s the same reaction I get when I’m told I have to work late.

 

If you’re like me, your dental hygienist scolds you every six months for not flossing. You hear the warnings that sticky plaque tucked between your teeth can lead to gum disease and health problems, but still you have trouble squeezing it into your daily routine. But here’s some news that may inspire you to remember: Flossing your teeth, experts say, may do more to fight the effects of aging — at least over the long-term — than plastic surgery. ***MARLAR: The tricky part is getting the floss between your face wrinkles.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Do Not Turn Upside Down”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Paul Gustufson, “TV Preachers”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, all of the animals had purchased fancier and fancier shoes hoping to be the envy of all of the others – who also bought fancier and fancier shoes.  Now everyone is broke, and Millard is about to find out that he still is not the envy of the entire jungle.

 

CLOSE: Millard always did learn his lessons slowly.  Hopefully soon he’ll learn that looks aren’t all that important… the rest of us can’t afford for this storyline to continue much longer, we’re all broke.  Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF APRIL 23/24

 

OPEN: FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, everybody was so caught up in their own talents, voices, and instrument playing that nobody was making beautiful music together… because nobody was together at all!  In fact, even all of the band members wanted to do their own solos!  Everyone wanted their own spotlight.

 

CLOSE: Okay, I think we’ve gone just about as far with this solo-thing as we can go.  If individual piano keys and individual guitar strings won’t play together, what’s left?  Find out next time – As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Visual examples are a great learning tool – as one ski instructor found out!

Austrian ski instructor Guenther Muehlenbach took his students to the edge of a slope to explain the dangers of leaving marked trails and exposing oneself to a potential avalanche. Guenther demonstrated by leaving the marked trail, where he was instantly swept away by an avalanche. Guenther is now in a hospital being treated for shock and hypothermia. ***MARLAR: And, perhaps, ironic disbelief.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN TIMES YOU SHOULD NEVER USE YOUR CELL PHONE

 

  1. At the movies. Unless your conversation will be funnier than what I’m seeing on the big screen.9. During a funeral. Pay your respects with your heart, not your ringtones.

    8. In a meeting. Especially if you’ve called it. Or if your boss is there.

    7. In the hospital delivery room. Especially if it’s your wife (and child) on the table.

    6. At a restaurant. Unless you’re calling the waitperson because your coffee cup has been empty longer than two minutes.

    5. At a wedding. The only rings here should be the ones on the happy couple’s fingers.

    4. In a museum. You’re there to use your eyes, not your ears.

    3. While driving. You may like the challenge of handling a cell phone, a steaming cup of coffee, the morning paper, and a 4,000 pound vehicle all at the same time, but it just ain’t safe.

    2. At a concert. You can’t yell loud enough to be heard anyway.

    1. In worship. God may call you, but he won’t do it through Verizon.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Some two-bit crooks are behind bars after they dropped the dimes on themselves.

 

FILE #1: An Appleton, Wisconsin police officer was investigating a robbery at a store. While checking outside for footprints in the snow he noticed a quarter. He walked a little further and saw another coin, and then a little further and saw another one. The trail of change ran for four blocks and onto the front porch of a home. The men inside were arrested after they apparently loaded stolen rolls of coins into a milk crate, which then spilled out during their getaway.

 

FILE #2: In Kansas City, Kansas, a man who tried to steal an ATM with a backhoe was arrested when he asked police officers who were chasing him for help after he jumped into the Kansas River.  ***MARLAR: If there’s a bank fee for withdrawing money from an ATM, I can only imagine what the fee might be for withdrawing the ATM from a bank.

 

FILE #3: Police in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, were in a standoff with the occupants of a house on Tuesday. Officers said they were worried about reported drug activity at the house and called for a tactical team. For hours they tried to make contact with anybody in the house. After seven hours, agents approached the house and found… no one inside.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Louisiana, it is illegal to gargle in public places.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A man avoids prison by sending someone else there instead – and he claims its for drug rehab?

A criminal, who avoided prison by bribing another guy to go in his place, is finally behind bars. Dexter Mathis, who was jailed for 20 months after pleading guilty to receiving stolen money, paid Pierre Carlton to serve the sentence. All was well with the scheme until Carlton decided to escape with only 47 days left on the sentence. As to why Carlton would go to prison for someone else, the man said he wanted to use the time in prison to beat his addiction to crack cocaine. Mathis also paid Carlton $1,000. During his time in prison, Carlton also got the equivalent of a high school diploma, although it was in Mathis’ name. Meanwhile, Mathis is now serving his original sentence and faces further charges of conspiring to defraud the United States. His lawyer claims he was just trying to help Carlton get off drugs. ***MARLAR: Oh yes, he’s a saint. He sacrificially gave up his prison sentence for another man.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Today is LOOKALIKE DAY.  What celebrity do people say you look like?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What interpreter of dreams was in exile in Babylon?

ANSWER: Daniel (Daniel 1:1-6)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What size pumps did cross-dressing Corporal Max Klinger wear on the TV sitcom M*A*S*H? 

ANSWER: Size 10 (audio clip)

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The Mexican Jumping Bean is actually an insect. (True. It is a thin-shelled section of a seed capsule containing the larva of a small gray moth called the jumping bean moth <Laspeyresia saltitans>).

 

  1. The English-language alphabet originally had 28 letters, not 26. (False. It had only 24.  One missing letter was J, which was the last letter to be added to the alphabet. The other latecomer to the alphabet was U.)

 

  1. The most famous movie theatre is the “Chinese Theatre” located in Los Angeles, USA. (True)

 

  1. The average life span of a peasant during the medieval ages was only 35 years. (False – it was only 25!)

 

  1. Great White sharks have about 3,000 teeth. (True)

 

  1. There is a doggy disco held in Italy every year where owners can dance with their dogs. (True… the fox trot?)

 

  1. The most frequently performed stage illusion is sawing the woman in half. (False, it’s the “Zig Zag Girl.” In this trick, a woman stands in a cabinet and appears to be cut into three pieces.)

 

  1. In 1971, the postal code was introduced in Ottawa, Ontario. (True)

 

  1. In New York City, approximately 1,600 people are bitten by other humans annually. (True)

 

  1. In-vitro babies are born in the U.S. more than any other country in the world. (False – there are more born in Australia)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ EXPLODES IN FUNERAL HOME (DEAD BODY)

The corpse blew a casket!

Family members who gather at a Texas funeral home to mourn the death of 38-year-old Robert Cavazos Jr. reeled in horror when the dead man’s corpse suddenly exploded, according to their shocking lawsuit.

The force of the blast ripped open Cavazos’ cement-lined coffin and filled the funeral home in Raymondville, Texas with “a horrendous, foul odor,” according to Maria Perez, the family’s attorney.

The lawyer said Cavazos’ body exploded because it was not embalmed and gases formed within the corpse as the decomposition process occurred.

“Robert’s 82-year-old mother, Theresa, and about 20 mourners were at the funeral home on a Sunday morning in a room with the casket when they hear a loud explosion and smelled a real foul stench,” Miss Perez told WWN.

“They could see the body through the cracked casket and saw that Robert had been buried in his underwear,”  Miss Perez said.

“They still have nightmares!”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.

After seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

 

JOKE #2

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because,” he replied, “that’s a microwave.”

 

JOKE #3

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves. One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”

Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”

Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.” As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for 3 days…”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Six-year-old Natsumi Shirahige released a balloon into the sky in Japan with a note asking the finder of the balloon to write back to her and her school.  That was fifteen years ago – and the note was found on a fish that was caught 3,300 feet below the surface of the Pacific Ocean!  A fisherman found the note sitting on the sticky flatfish in his catch along with a piece of the string and red balloon.  It’s still a mystery how the note survived for so many years, or how it ended up stuck to a fish.  ***MARLAR: Why would it be such a surprise to find a fish with a note?  After all, they do have schools!

 

A vet in Battersea, England, gave a shar-pei dog an eye-and brow lift when its skin got so wrinkly, it covered his eyes and blinded him.  ***MARLAR: That’s why some people use Botox!

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

BIBLE CLASS
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THANK YOU

A postman could end up in prison because of junk mail!

Postman Robert Cloyd did something that you will definitely appreciate. 51 year old Cloyd dumped 1,088 pieces of advertising mail into a trash bin outside the post office where he works in Chicago. Apparently, he was tired of delivering junk mail so he took it upon himself to get rid of it all one day. But it’s against the law to do that. Even though Cloyd dumped not one piece of first class mail, he has been charged with the misdemeanor offense of mail desertion, which carries a maximum sentence of one year in prison and a possible $100,000 fine. ***MARLAR: I can see his point… can you imagine getting attacked by some guy’s dog every day just so you can deliver a post-card saying it’s time to think about spaying or neutering your pet?

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THOUGHTS TO PONDER

“God rarely gives you a sign that you are on the right track, until after you have stepped out on faith! Because that’s what faith is … believing in God’s Power, believing in His Word, believing every promise that He has made! In His Wisdom, God knows that it doesn’t build your faith if He gives you a written road map for each and every thing you do. He wants you to believe in Him, not in signs, or wonders, or yourself. He wants you to step out on faith alone … knowing that He is there, with you, always.”  –Author Unknown

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GOD HELP ME!

Read: Jeremiah 2:26-30

Where then are the gods you made for yourselves? –Jeremiah 2:28

Ever notice how some people react to tragedy? The most non-religious people suddenly clamor for God’s attention and help, even though they had been ignoring Him for years.

Crying for God’s help… according to the newspapers, that happened a lot after the tragedy at Columbine High School 2 years ago. When the school erupted with senseless violence, all kinds of people suddenly cried out to the Lord for rescue. In the aftermath, many pleaded for comfort. It happens too when people are faced with tremendous loss due to natural disasters such as floods and earthquakes.

It would be nice to think that the heavenly Father is just waiting for times of panic so He can send all the emergency equipment of heaven to our rescue. But according to the Bible, that’s not always the way it works.

God may instead use tragedy to show us the emptiness of our self-centered values and the powerlessness of the gods of this world.

Through Jeremiah, the Lord challenged His people Israel. They were in deep trouble, and they were trying to get help from the idols they had been worshiping. So the Lord forced them to face the futility of trusting false gods.

God could ask us the same question He asked Israel. What if He said, “Why call on Me now that you’re in trouble? Where are your basketball stars and your famed musicians? Where are your beautiful movie stars? Why not seek help from your big-screen TV, appeal to your paycheck, take comfort in your new car, buy a 6-pack, or rely on your credit cards? You’ve been serving these gods faithfully. Let them help you now!”

Not very consoling, is it? God doesn’t want us to think we can trust the gods of this age and still expect Him to step in and protect us from the consequences. In His grace He always grants us forgiveness if we are truly repentant. And He offers us hope and help when we learn to depend on Him in good times and bad.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

GET A WHIFF OF THIS

Finally… a way to keep the bugs away from you this summer! The secret is garlic! U.S. Scientists have discovered that bugs find the smell of strong garlic very offensive. A new product called Garlic Barrier says that it’s garlic spray keeps away birds, rabbits, deer, mosquitoes, and armadillos. ***MARLAR: It also keeps away neighbors, parents, and any social life you might have a shot at.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

COLLECTIBLES

There was a time not so long ago that you thought you would retire on your Beanie Baby collection. While the Beanies have taken a nosedive, there are still some hot collectibles to make money on.

Vintage baseball cards and psychedelic posters from San Francisco’s Fillmore Ballroom are money makers. Then there are some collectibles that never go out of style like Chippendale or Queen Anne furniture. Believe it or not, other hot items are old fashioned weather vanes and appliances from the 1970s, if they’re in avocado, autumn harvest, or rust colors. Of course, the biggest collectible market is for toys, especially from the 1950’s and 60’s. However, if you don’t have any of that stuff and want to start planning for your future, look for what the kids are playing with nowadays and buy those.  Of course, whatever you do, don’t open the boxes or you’ll lose most of the value.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

HOLY COW!

A man is injured… by a falling cow!

Imagine yourself sitting quietly at a coffeehouse, reading the paper and drinking your favorite cappuccino. Suddenly you hear a loud crash, and the next thing you can recall is waking up in the hospital. “What happened?” you ask your friends. They look around the room, start giggling, laughing, and then finally explode in boisterous laughter as they explain that a cow fell on you! Sounds like a joke – but it really happened to Ethem Sahin. He was playing dominoes with some friends at his favorite coffeehouse when the cow fell through the ceiling and knocked him unconscious. Ethem was treated in the hospital for a broken leg and needed seven stitches to his forehead. The cow apparently wandered from the hillside where it was grazing onto the roof of the coffee house, which was built into the side of the hill. The cow was not seriously injured. ***MARLAR: On the plus side, the coffeehouse has offered Ethem free cream in his coffee for life.

 

 

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED…

  • Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”.
  • The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
  • People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
  • You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
  • You get inpatient waiting for your dinner to be ready… from the microwave.
  • You find yourself trying to convince a nutritionist that M&Ms are a food group.
  • When you no longer care what the public thinks about you or your children as you jump up and down and laugh maniacally in the grocery store imitating your child’s behavior.
  • You are happy that your child needs some time in their room.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

FIVE THINGS THAT MAKE A GREAT DAD.

Here are the five most important qualities of a great dad according to the experts.

  • Consistency: Some dads would rather be a “pal” to their kids and they bend the rules every so often. Children need clear and definite limits in their lives… regular bedtimes, curfews, etc.
  • Sense of humor: This is the other side of the consistency coin. While discipline is important, it’s also important NOT to become a humorless drill sergeant. Children value a strong parental figure who knows how to joke and laugh with them.
  • Patience: A lot of fathers don’t let kids finish their own sentences. It’s important to let children say their piece even though you’ve heard the story a thousand times before. Your children want to communicate.
  • Safe Driving: A fathers driving habits have an effect on their children’s sense of security.
  • Prioritization of parenthood: That simply means making fatherhood the most important thing in your life.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Do you feel like you more married to your cell phone than with your spouse? Try these 3 “house rules” from Family Life:

  1. No devices at the dinner table.
  2. No phones at the restaurant.
  3. No texting or talking about really important personal issues over the phone.

http://bit.ly/1UToIRd

 

In 2006, Cathryn Couch was working as a chef, making home-delivery meals for clients. According to NPR, One day, a friend called and asked: Did Couch have any cooking jobs for her teenage daughter? She didn’t, but the friend persisted. So Couch eventually came up with a project: making meals and delivering them to a local homeless center. In 2007, the Ceres Community Project was born. That first year, 21 volunteers made 4,500 meals. By 2015, the program involved 400 volunteers who prepared more than 90,000 meals.

http://n.pr/1XcXTVz

 

A Grateful student has paid off his grandparents’ mortgage to thank them for raising him. According to Today, 24 year old Stefun Darts scrimped and saved for the past six years. Earlier this month he met his goal. He wrote out his very first check and handed it to the grandparents who raised him. He said the $15,000 would pay off their mortgage — and pay for a trip to the Bahamas to help celebrate.

http://on.today.com/1UT0SV0

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

To you taxpayers out there, let me say this: I hope you filed your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a ‘pain in the neck,’ the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

APRIL 15, 2016…

 

The Jungle Book—Adapted from the book for the screen, this movie is in animation and about the boy, Mowgli (Neel Sethi) who is raised by wolves and was brought to them by a black panther (Ben Kingsley).  When a Bengal tiger (Idris Elba) wants no humans in the jungle, Mowgli and his friends go on a journey to find out who he really is. Voices include Bill Murray, Lupita Nyong’o, Scarlett Johansson and Christopher Walken. “The Jungle Book” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Barbershop 2: The Next Cut—Film Four in the series about owning a barbershop and how one has to become inventive in fighting street gangs.  The cast includes Ice Cube, Cedric The Entertainer, Regina Hall, Bernie Mac, Anthony Anderson and Common. “Barbershop 2: The Net Cut” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Criminal—Kevin Costner is an ex-con with a ;mission in his head.  He has implanted memories and must complete someone else’s mission. The CIA is involved. Also in the cast are Gary Oldman, Tommy Lee Jones and Gal Godot (the new Wonder Woman.). “Criminal” is rated R. No rating.

 

Everybody Wants Some!!—A comedy directed by Richard Linklater, this film is about college baseball in the 1980’s. You could write about any sport and put this title on it, but baseball is the theme here and the stars are Zoey Deutch, Ryan Guzman and Blake Jenner. “Everybody Wants Some!!” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Hardcore Henry—The over-used story of a vigilante (Sharlto Copley) trying to find a kidnapped wife, but this time, the action is viewed through the eyes of the vigilante, who has been brought back to life (think of television’s “Second Chance”) as a soldier. The cast includes Haley Bennett, Tim Roth and Will Stewart.  “Hardcore Henry” is rated R. No rating.

 

APRIL 22, 2016…

 

The Huntsman: Winter’s War has Chris Hemsworth back as The Huntsman and this time against two evil sisters.

 

A Hologram For The King stars Tom Hanks, based on Dave Eggers novel, as a salesman going to the Middle East to get a big contract.

 

The Meddler is about a lonely widow whose daughter doesn’t like her meddling, so points her in another direction. Stars Susan Sarandon.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.