April 20, 2018: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180420
PDF: 20180420

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And now, LIVE in its entirety, it’s (THE JOCK SHOW)!

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“That government is best which governs the least.” – Thomas Jefferson

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields!  They are ripe for harvest.” –John 4:35

At just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. — Romans 5:6-8

The Lord your God will raise up for you a prophet like [Moses] from among your own brothers. You must listen to him. — Deuteronomy 18:15

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” — 1 Corinthians 15:54

Thought: As Christians, even if our bodies die, we don’t! Our physical death just means that we will be given immortal bodies. Christ will raise us up and clothe us with immortality. Death will not have a hold on us because we are God’s children. Victory is ours. Death does not have the final word; Jesus does, and he says, “Rise!”

Prayer: Father, I know that my physical earthly body is fragile. Dear Father, I know that no matter how good a shape I stay in or how careful I am about my health, I cannot stop the process of physical death in my body. But I am excited to know that even though my physical body will fail, you won’t fail. Even though my human body is fragile, I know you are powerful and triumphant. Father, I do look forward to the day of victory when death is swallowed up by the glory and power of Jesus’ return for me and transformation of me. Until that day, dear God, I serve you with joy as I look forward to seeing you face to face. In Jesus’ mighty name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 John 4:20 NIV = If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – APRIL 19, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
248 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is GO AROUND SINGING “YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE” UNTIL EVERYBODY SCREAMS DAY***That shouldn’t take too long.

Today is NATIONAL TAKE A BREAK TO RESET YOUR MIND DAY.  ***Which you’ll need after listening all day to someone singing “You Light Up My Life”.

Today is the ANNIVERSARY OF SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED SO LONG AGO EVERYONE HAS FORGOTTEN WHAT IT WAS DAY.

Today is LOOK ALIKE DAY. ***By the way, why do the Goth kids, who are anti-conformists, all look the same?

TODAY IS ALSO…

Chinese Language Day
International Cli-Fi Day
National Cheddar Fries Day
National Pot Smokers Day
National Teach Children to Save Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, APRIL 21

Auctioneers Day
Bulldogs are Beautiful Day
Husband Appreciation Day
Kindergarten Day
National Chocolate-Covered Cashews Day
National Pro-Life T-Shirt Day
National Surprise Drug Test Day
National Yellow Bat Day
Queen’s Birthday (real date)
Record Store Day
Spring Astronomy Day

SUNDAY, APRIL 22

Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day
Earth Day
Girl Scout Leaders Day
Global Selfie Earth Day (NASA)
“In God We Trust Day” Day
Mother Earth Day
National Jelly Bean Day

MONDAY, APRIL 23

English Language Day
English Muffin Day
Impossible Astronaut Day (Dr. Who)
National Lost Dog Awareness Day
Movie Theatre Day
Talk Like Shakespeare Day
World Book & Copyright Day
World Book Night

TUESDAY, APRIL 24

Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day
Sauvignon Blanc Day
New Kids on The Block Day
World Day for Animals in Laboratories
World Meningitis Day

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25

Administrative Professionals Day or Secretary’s Day
Denim Day
DNA Day
East Meets West Day (aka Elbe Day)
Hairstylists Appreciation Day

Hug A Plumber Day or Plumbers Day
International Guide Dogs Day
International Marconi Day
International Noise Awareness Day
License Plates Day
National Mani-pedi Day
Malaria Awareness Day
Parental Alienation Day
Red Hat Society Day
World Penguin Day
National Golf Day

THURSDAY, APRIL 26

Audubon Day
International Girls in Information and Telecommunication Technologies Day
Hug An Australian Day
Lesbian Visibility Day
National Help A Horse Day
National Kids and Pets Day
National Pretzel Day
Poem In Your Pocket Day
Richter Scale Day
Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day
World Intellectual Property Day

FRIDAY, APRIL 27

Arbor Day
Babe Ruth Day
Day of Dialogue
Mantanzas Mule Day
Morse Code Day
National Day of Silence
National Devil Dog Cakes Day
National Little Pampered Dog Day
National Hairball Awareness Day
Undiagnosed Children’s Awareness Day

ON THIS DAY

1905: Stanley Marcus was born. He originated the Neiman-Marcus fashion shows. ***Stanley Marcus proved the theory that if you feature clothing on women that are impossible to look like, you too can be a huge success.

1912: On a game-winning two-out single by Tris Speaker in the 11th inning, the Boston Red Sox edge the New York Yankees 7-6. It was the Sox first game in their elegant new stadium, Fenway Park.

1942: Boston Braves manager Casey Stengel got so mad at rookie pitcher Warren Spahn because he was unable to hit Dodgers shortstop Pee Wee Reese in four pitches, he sent Spahn back to the minors to learn better control. Spahn returned to the majors four years later to become the winningest lefthander of all time.

1959: Singer George Jones scored his first #1 country hit with “White Lightnin.” He had recorded earlier as Hank Smith and Thumper Jones.

1971: The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the use of busing to achieve racial desegregation in public schools.

1981: An investigator for the Dallas district attorney’s office was fired for biting off part of a man’s ear in a brawl after a Texas Rangers’ baseball game.

1989: On the 100th anniversary of Adolph Hitler’s birth, a survey showed that 44% of West Germans still thought that German blood should be kept pure.

1991: Kennesaw, Georgia, unveiled the street sign that would mark its new General Norman Schwartzkopf Avenue. They misspelled Schwarzkopf.

1991: The Hastings Reminder in Michigan reported the marriage of Michelle Johnson and David Wax, both of Kentwood. The photo caption was, of course, Johnson-Wax.

1992: Madonna signed with Time Warner to set up a multimedia company, reportedly making “the material girl” the highest paid woman in pop music.

1993: A quick thinking teller in Mainz, Germany, did exactly as she was told, almost, and an inattentive bank robber escaped with a money bag jam-packed with trash.

1993: President Clinton accepted responsibility for the decision to try and end the 51-day siege at the Branch Davidian compound in Texas, but he said David Koresh bore “ultimate responsibility” for the deaths that resulted. ***So his thought process was, “I take full responsibility for this, and it’s that other guy’s fault.”

1999: An 8-year-old boy plunged 17 stories from a Hong Kong apartment but survived after hitting four clotheslines on the way down and landing on a canopy. He was hospitalized with a broken arm and leg, but no life-threatening injuries.

1999: Actress Jane Seymour received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

2001: A British security firm launched a new security alarm that made burglars sick. The device emitted a screech that made anyone within earshot throw up within seconds. The Inferno alarm was devised by the Swedish army and took 10 years to perfect. The sound was compared to someone scratching long nails down a blackboard.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1441: During the Council of Florence (1438-45), Eugenius IV issued the bull “Etsi non dubitemus,” which asserted the superiority of the pope over the Councils.

1718: Birth of David Brainerd, colonial American missionary to the Indians of New England. Following his premature death from tuberculosis at 29, Brainerd’s journal (published in 1649 by the Jonathan Edwards) influenced hundreds to become missionaries after him.

1826: Birth of Erastus Johnson, American hymnwriter. A lifelong student of the Bible, Johnson, at age 47, penned the hymn, “O Sometimes the Shadows are Deep” (a.k.a. “The Rock That Is Higher Than I”).

1943: In Poland, Germans Nazi troops massacred the Jews in the Warsaw Ghetto.

1987: In Columbus, OH, the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) was organized, making it the largest Lutheran denomination in the U.S. It represented the merger of three smaller Lutheran bodies, and was officially born on Jan 1, 1988.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Lethal Weapon”, “Rectify”) Clayne Crawford, 40
  • Actor (“Blossom,” “Brotherly Love”) Joey Lawrence, 43 (audio clip)
  • model/actress (Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Scary Movie 4) Carmen Electra, 46
  • actor (Marvel films, Dawn Of The Planet of the Apes, Lord Of the Rings) Andy Serkis, 54
  • Actor (Back to the Future movies) Crispin Glover, 54
  • actor (Apollo 13, The Water Boy, “Gentle Ben”) Clint Howard, 59
  • Actress (King Kong, Tootsie, Blue Skies, “American Horror Story”) Jessica Lange, 69
  • Actor (Love Story, Paper Moon, “Bones”) Ryan O’Neal, 77
  • actor (“Star Trek”) George Takei, 81

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1908 : Lionel Hampton

1923 : Tito Puente

1939 : Johnny Tillotson

1945 : Jimmy Winston (The Moments, The Small Faces)

1948 : Craig Frost (Grand Funk Railroad)

1951 : Luther Vandross

1970 : Phife Dawg (A Tribe Called Quest)

1971 : Mikey Welsh (Weezer)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Where did we get the term “Gothic?”

Gothic was originally a term of criticism among the Italian Renaissance artists who coined it. The term implied that, compared to superior classical buildings, the Gothic medieval cathedrals were so crude that only a Goth could produce them. By indirectly condemning the Goths, the Italian architects revived an old hatred. The southward migration of these warring, loathsome German barbarians in the fifth century A.D. had contributed to the decline of ancient Rome.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A Malaysian cop was arrested after he allegedly broke into a Mercedes Benz to steal it but then dozed off on its luxurious seat.  ***Best Mercedes Benz promotion EVER.

A new study finds the average American utters their first curse word of the day at 10:54 AM.  ***I have a hard time believing this though – rush hour starts around 8am.

Meghan Markle’s nephew is creating a strain of marijuana called the “Markle Sparkle.”  ***If I had to give up my career to join a stuffy royal family, I’d probably need to smoke a lot too.

Sears has added nine more stores to their list of those closing.  ***At this rate, Sears should just rename itself Radio Shack and get it over with.

Police in Halifax, Nova Scotia, are looking into the legality of a contest being promoted by a chain of East Coast smoke shops that promises four winners “free weed for a year.” Mary Janes, which has three stores in Nova Scotia, is promoting the contest on social media claiming the winner’s name will be drawn the day marijuana becomes legal in Canada. Customers must make a purchase to get a raffle ticket. Employees at one of the chain’s two Halifax-area outlets say there has been lots of interest, but didn’t have details on the amount to be won, or the legality of it. Const. Carol McIsaac says, “Presently it is illegal for any person, business or entity to sell, give or distribute cannabis unless authorized by the federal government.” Each province and territory is developing its own legal regime for cannabis production and consumption.  ***Well, they didn’t say what KIND of weed – maybe it’s dandelions!

Dale Winton, who hosted Supermarket Sweep, has died at the age of 62.  ***The undertaker found the perfect coffin in aisle 10 with the Supermarket Sweep sign already attached.

“Black Panther” opened in Saudi Arabia last night. The first public movie opening in that country in 35 years!  ***They almost didn’t show a public movie at all, as they were originally given the opportunity to show “The Emoji Movie”.  But then somebody yelled “April fools!” and everyone had a big laugh about it.

Dwayne Johnson is coming out with his own Tequila.  ***No word on whether you have to drink it on the rocks.

Police in Great Falls, Minnesota had little trouble apprehending an alleged bank robber after he held up a teller at a Stockman Bank branch on 5th Street. It seems his getaway vehicle of choice was a skateboard. Within about 20 minutes of the initial report, an officer located the suspect where he was taken into custody. Witness Courtney Cappis said, “The suspect did not have a good choice of getaway vehicles… he tried to evade cops via walking and skateboard!” So far, the suspect’s identity has not been released. ***He’ll be able to hang ten while doing five-to-ten!

The Washington State Department of Transportation is apologizing for an “oops” when the words “U Suck” appeared for a while on one of their electronic freeway signs.  ***Had the sign said “WE suck” it would’ve been a lot more accurate.

Steph Curry’s wife is starting her own label of wine.  ***So… what kind of wine goes best with curry?

Lyft is offering a $4.20 rebate on Weed Day today (Friday – 4/20) so people don’t drive while stoned.  ***The trick will be getting people who are stoned to remember to call for a Lyft.

After spending a year in California, the MTV Video Music Awards are heading back to New York. ***It’s as if the Sunshine State said, “okay – they’re just too weird and narcissistic now, even for us!”

A Georgia high school student arrived at her prom last weekend in a casket… as a reminder to her fellow students not to drink and drive.  ***It’s hard to find a coffin that fits you perfectly and has a slimming effect.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Scientists from Korea have turned the main ingredient of calamine lotion into a tiny material that converts sound waves into electricity. The research could lead to panels that can charge a cell phone from a conversation or provide a boost of energy to the nation’s electrical grid generated by the noise during rush hour traffic. ***Who needs to drill for oil when you’ve got teenage girls on cell phones?

A UK-based horticultural firm has developed a method of producing both potatoes and tomatoes on the same plant. ***It’s expected to produce a spike in arguments about pronouncing its name and calling the whole thing off.

Men, forget that old pop song’s advice about marrying an ugly woman to be happy for the rest of your life. Instead, let whichever lady you hitch your wagon to be the boss in your home because researchers have determined that is the key to lasting marital bliss. Iowa State University researchers studied couples’ relationships and found that women, who typically have stronger opinions regarding their home and family, tend to control such important household matters as housework, family schedules and activities. The happiest husbands were those who did not disagree with their wives regarding these everyday decisions. Indeed, the hubbies who expressed opposing viewpoints were more likely to find themselves unhappily embroiled in family feuds. So the moral of the story is guys, let your gal rule the roost. ***This is complete balderdash. I’m the man… it’s my castle… what I say goes. I wear the pants in the family. And I can say all of this because I know my wife isn’t listening right now.

Japanese authorities seeking to remove accident-prone senior citizens from the road are offering them a discount on ramen noodles in exchange for their driver’s licenses. ***Although, let’s face it; if you’re that desperate to get a discount on ramen noodles, you probably can’t afford to buy gas to drive anyway.

Data from State Farm shows drivers in West Virginia are the most likely in the country to hit a deer during their vehicular travels. West Virginia drivers hit more deer, followed by drivers in Montana and Iowa. ***This is just the USA though. Worldwide, the greatest chance of hitting a deer is on the Elfling Tollway at the North Pole.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy was dead, Millard was dead, Racquet was dead… everyone was dead except Nozzles and Sully! Wait a minute… never mind, that’s the wrong script. Ah, here we go… last time the animals found the source of some giant footprints… a giant gorilla!

CLOSE: Alright – I’m with Millard on this one. Forget the whole friend thing, I’d stay in that cave… just to be safe. We’ll find out what the rest of the animals do, next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Visual examples are a great learning tool – as one ski instructor found out!

Austrian ski instructor Guenther Muehlenbach took his students to the edge of a slope to explain the dangers of leaving marked trails and exposing oneself to a potential avalanche. Guenther demonstrated by leaving the marked trail, where he was instantly swept away by an avalanche. Guenther is now in a hospital being treated for shock and hypothermia. ***MARLAR: And, perhaps, ironic disbelief.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN TIMES YOU SHOULD NEVER USE YOUR CELL PHONE

10. At the movies. Unless your conversation will be funnier than what I’m seeing on the big screen.

9. During a funeral. Pay your respects with your heart, not your ringtones.

8. In a meeting. Especially if you’ve called it. Or if your boss is there.

7. In the hospital delivery room. Especially if it’s your wife (and child) on the table.

6. At a restaurant. Unless you’re calling the waitperson because your coffee cup has been empty longer than two minutes.

5. At a wedding. The only rings here should be the ones on the happy couple’s fingers.

4. In a museum. You’re there to use your eyes, not your ears.

3. While driving. You may like the challenge of handling a cell phone, a steaming cup of coffee, the morning paper, and a 4,000 pound vehicle all at the same time, but it just ain’t safe.

2. At a concert. You can’t yell loud enough to be heard anyway.

1. In worship. God may call you, but he won’t do it through Verizon.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Some two-bit crooks are behind bars after they dropped the dimes on themselves.

FILE #1: An Appleton, Wisconsin police officer was investigating a robbery at a store. While checking outside for footprints in the snow he noticed a quarter. He walked a little further and saw another coin, and then a little further and saw another one. The trail of change ran for four blocks and onto the front porch of a home. The men inside were arrested after they apparently loaded stolen rolls of coins into a milk crate, which then spilled out during their getaway.

FILE #2: In Kansas City, Kansas, a man who tried to steal an ATM with a backhoe was arrested when he asked police officers who were chasing him for help after he jumped into the Kansas River.  ***MARLAR: If there’s a bank fee for withdrawing money from an ATM, I can only imagine what the fee might be for withdrawing the ATM from a bank.

FILE #3: Police in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, were in a standoff with the occupants of a house on Tuesday. Officers said they were worried about reported drug activity at the house and called for a tactical team. For hours they tried to make contact with anybody in the house. After seven hours, agents approached the house and found… no one inside.

STRANGE LAW: In Louisiana, it is illegal to gargle in public places.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A man avoids prison by sending someone else there instead – and he claims its for drug rehab?

A criminal, who avoided prison by bribing another guy to go in his place, is finally behind bars. Dexter Mathis, who was jailed for 20 months after pleading guilty to receiving stolen money, paid Pierre Carlton to serve the sentence. All was well with the scheme until Carlton decided to escape with only 47 days left on the sentence. As to why Carlton would go to prison for someone else, the man said he wanted to use the time in prison to beat his addiction to crack cocaine. Mathis also paid Carlton $1,000. During his time in prison, Carlton also got the equivalent of a high school diploma, although it was in Mathis’ name. Meanwhile, Mathis is now serving his original sentence and faces further charges of conspiring to defraud the United States. His lawyer claims he was just trying to help Carlton get off drugs. ***MARLAR: Oh yes, he’s a saint. He sacrificially gave up his prison sentence for another man.

PHONER PHUN

Today is LOOKALIKE DAY. What celebrity do people say you look like?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What interpreter of dreams was in exile in Babylon?

ANSWER: Daniel (Daniel 1:1-6)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What size pumps did cross-dressing Corporal Max Klinger wear on the TV sitcom M*A*S*H? 

ANSWER: Size 10 (audio clip)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The Mexican Jumping Bean is actually an insect. (True. It is a thin-shelled section of a seed capsule containing the larva of a small gray moth called the jumping bean moth <Laspeyresia saltitans>).

2. The English-language alphabet originally had 28 letters, not 26. (False. It had only 24. One missing letter was J, which was the last letter to be added to the alphabet. The other latecomer to the alphabet was U.)

3. The most famous movie theatre is the “Chinese Theatre” located in Los Angeles, USA. (True)

4. The average life span of a peasant during the medieval ages was only 35 years. (False – it was only 25!)

5. Great White sharks have about 3,000 teeth. (True)

6. There is a doggy disco held in Italy every year where owners can dance with their dogs. (True… the fox trot?)

7. The most frequently performed stage illusion is sawing the woman in half. (False, it’s the “Zig Zag Girl.” In this trick, a woman stands in a cabinet and appears to be cut into three pieces.)

8. In 1971, the postal code was introduced in Ottawa, Ontario. (True)

9. In New York City, approximately 1,600 people are bitten by other humans annually. (True)

10. In-vitro babies are born in the U.S. more than any other country in the world. (False – there are more born in Australia)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ EXPLODES IN FUNERAL HOME (DEAD BODY)

The corpse blew a casket!

Family members who gather at a Texas funeral home to mourn the death of 38-year-old Robert Cavazos Jr. reeled in horror when the dead man’s corpse suddenly exploded, according to their shocking lawsuit.

The force of the blast ripped open Cavazos’ cement-lined coffin and filled the funeral home in Raymondville, Texas with “a horrendous, foul odor,” according to Maria Perez, the family’s attorney.

The lawyer said Cavazos’ body exploded because it was not embalmed and gases formed within the corpse as the decomposition process occurred.

“Robert’s 82-year-old mother, Theresa, and about 20 mourners were at the funeral home on a Sunday morning in a room with the casket when they hear a loud explosion and smelled a real foul stench,” Miss Perez told WWN.

“They could see the body through the cracked casket and saw that Robert had been buried in his underwear,”  Miss Perez said.

“They still have nightmares!”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.

After seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

JOKE #2

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

“Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. “I would like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because,” he replied, “that’s a microwave.”

JOKE #3

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves. One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”

Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”

Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.” As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for 3 days…”

USELESS FACTS

When Canada’s Northwest Territories considered renaming itself in the 1990s, one name that gained support was “Bob.” ***Where do you live? “Bob.”

New Mexico State’s first graduating class in 1893 had only one student—and he was shot and killed before graduation. ***I’m guessing that didn’t do much for their goal of being party school of the year.

FEATURED FUNNIES

BIBLE CLASS
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THANK YOU

A postman could end up in prison because of junk mail!

Postman Robert Cloyd did something that you will definitely appreciate. 51 year old Cloyd dumped 1,088 pieces of advertising mail into a trash bin outside the post office where he works in Chicago. Apparently, he was tired of delivering junk mail so he took it upon himself to get rid of it all one day. But it’s against the law to do that. Even though Cloyd dumped not one piece of first class mail, he has been charged with the misdemeanor offense of mail desertion, which carries a maximum sentence of one year in prison and a possible $100,000 fine. ***MARLAR: I can see his point… can you imagine getting attacked by some guy’s dog every day just so you can deliver a post-card saying it’s time to think about spaying or neutering your pet?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THOUGHTS TO PONDER

“God rarely gives you a sign that you are on the right track, until after you have stepped out on faith! Because that’s what faith is … believing in God’s Power, believing in His Word, believing every promise that He has made! In His Wisdom, God knows that it doesn’t build your faith if He gives you a written road map for each and every thing you do. He wants you to believe in Him, not in signs, or wonders, or yourself. He wants you to step out on faith alone … knowing that He is there, with you, always.” –Author Unknown

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GOD HELP ME!

Read: Jeremiah 2:26-30

Where then are the gods you made for yourselves? –Jeremiah 2:28

Ever notice how some people react to tragedy? The most non-religious people suddenly clamor for God’s attention and help, even though they had been ignoring Him for years.

Crying for God’s help… according to the newspapers, that happened a lot after the tragedy at Columbine High School 2 years ago. When the school erupted with senseless violence, all kinds of people suddenly cried out to the Lord for rescue. In the aftermath, many pleaded for comfort. It happens too when people are faced with tremendous loss due to natural disasters such as floods and earthquakes.

It would be nice to think that the heavenly Father is just waiting for times of panic so He can send all the emergency equipment of heaven to our rescue. But according to the Bible, that’s not always the way it works.

God may instead use tragedy to show us the emptiness of our self-centered values and the powerlessness of the gods of this world.

Through Jeremiah, the Lord challenged His people Israel. They were in deep trouble, and they were trying to get help from the idols they had been worshiping. So the Lord forced them to face the futility of trusting false gods.

God could ask us the same question He asked Israel. What if He said, “Why call on Me now that you’re in trouble? Where are your basketball stars and your famed musicians? Where are your beautiful movie stars? Why not seek help from your big-screen TV, appeal to your paycheck, take comfort in your new car, buy a 6-pack, or rely on your credit cards? You’ve been serving these gods faithfully. Let them help you now!”

Not very consoling, is it? God doesn’t want us to think we can trust the gods of this age and still expect Him to step in and protect us from the consequences. In His grace He always grants us forgiveness if we are truly repentant. And He offers us hope and help when we learn to depend on Him in good times and bad.

LEFTOVERS

GET A WHIFF OF THIS

Finally… a way to keep the bugs away from you this summer! The secret is garlic! U.S. Scientists have discovered that bugs find the smell of strong garlic very offensive. A new product called Garlic Barrier says that it’s garlic spray keeps away birds, rabbits, deer, mosquitoes, and armadillos. ***MARLAR: It also keeps away neighbors, parents, and any social life you might have a shot at.

LIFE… LIVE IT

COLLECTIBLES

There was a time not so long ago that you thought you would retire on your Beanie Baby collection. While the Beanies have taken a nosedive, there are still some hot collectibles to make money on.

Vintage baseball cards and psychedelic posters from San Francisco’s Fillmore Ballroom are money makers. Then there are some collectibles that never go out of style like Chippendale or Queen Anne furniture. Believe it or not, other hot items are old fashioned weather vanes and appliances from the 1970s, if they’re in avocado, autumn harvest, or rust colors. Of course, the biggest collectible market is for toys, especially from the 1950’s and 60’s. However, if you don’t have any of that stuff and want to start planning for your future, look for what the kids are playing with nowadays and buy those.  Of course, whatever you do, don’t open the boxes or you’ll lose most of the value.

JUST FOR FUN

HOLY COW!

A man is injured… by a falling cow!

Imagine yourself sitting quietly at a coffeehouse, reading the paper and drinking your favorite cappuccino. Suddenly you hear a loud crash, and the next thing you can recall is waking up in the hospital. “What happened?” you ask your friends. They look around the room, start giggling, laughing, and then finally explode in boisterous laughter as they explain that a cow fell on you! Sounds like a joke – but it really happened to Ethem Sahin. He was playing dominoes with some friends at his favorite coffeehouse when the cow fell through the ceiling and knocked him unconscious. Ethem was treated in the hospital for a broken leg and needed seven stitches to his forehead. The cow apparently wandered from the hillside where it was grazing onto the roof of the coffee house, which was built into the side of the hill. The cow was not seriously injured. ***MARLAR: On the plus side, the coffeehouse has offered Ethem free cream in his coffee for life.

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED…

  • Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”.
  • The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
  • People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
  • You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
  • You get inpatient waiting for your dinner to be ready… from the microwave.
  • You find yourself trying to convince a nutritionist that M&Ms are a food group.
  • When you no longer care what the public thinks about you or your children as you jump up and down and laugh maniacally in the grocery store imitating your child’s behavior.
  • You are happy that your child needs some time in their room.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

FIVE THINGS THAT MAKE A GREAT DAD.

Here are the five most important qualities of a great dad according to the experts.

  • Consistency: Some dads would rather be a “pal” to their kids and they bend the rules every so often. Children need clear and definite limits in their lives… regular bedtimes, curfews, etc.

  • Sense of humor: This is the other side of the consistency coin. While discipline is important, it’s also important NOT to become a humorless drill sergeant. Children value a strong parental figure who knows how to joke and laugh with them.

  • Patience: A lot of fathers don’t let kids finish their own sentences. It’s important to let children say their piece even though you’ve heard the story a thousand times before. Your children want to communicate.

  • Safe Driving: A fathers driving habits have an effect on their children’s sense of security.

  • Prioritization of parenthood: That simply means making fatherhood the most important thing in your life.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

If you want to make a good impression, there is one thing you should never include on your resume: a cute, amusing, hip, witty or clever e-mail address. This type of address looks so unprofessional that it could actually be a career killer, according to Kevin Tamanini, a doctoral candidate in industrial and organizational psychology at Ohio University in Athens. It seems that job candidates with quirky e-mail addresses are rated lower by potential employers than those who have more professional sounding e-mail names.

The best beverage for weight loss is water. Yes, drinking an extra glass of water every day may be the secret to fighting middle-age spread and could be even more important than exercise and dieting when it comes to lowering the numbers on the bathroom scale. That’s the word from Harvard University researchers, who have conducted one of the largest and most comprehensive studies on the dietary benefits of drinking water. The 20-year study tracked the food and beverage habits of nearly 125,000 U.S. adults in their 30s, 40s and 50s. By replacing one soda a day with a glass of water, the middle-age adults in the study weighed about seven pounds less than those who didn’t drink as much water. And the more water they consumed instead of sodas, juice and whole milk, the less they gained overall.

Want to be happy?  Keep aging!  The happiest Americans are also the oldest Americans, according to a recent study of 28,000 people ages 18 to 88 by the University of Chicago. Older adults are also more socially active, which makes sense since being social not only makes us happy, but also can banish the blues. In fact, the odds of being happy increase 5% with every decade you age. The bad news? Baby boomers are miserable. Of all the age groups surveyed, they are the least happy.

GEE, YOU SMELL HAPPY TONIGHT! How can you tell if someone is happy? Most of us would say by looking at the smile, listening to the laughter or seeing that unmistakable twinkle in the eye. While these are all true measures of a happy disposition, we also tell if others are happy in a much less obvious way: their scent. And we’re not talking about their choice of perfume or cologne. We mean their sweat. European researchers have demonstrated — at least in the lab — that human beings pick up on others’ positive emotions via chemicals secreted in their sweat, reports HealthDay News. And this actually makes sense, since previous research has shown that negative emotions, such as fear or disgust, can be communicated by human scent. When we breathe in that scent of happiness in someone else, it makes us happier, too. The study found that when the women sniffed the “happy sweat,” their faces also showed happiness, something the researchers called behavioral synchronization. That is, the sweating man’s emotional state was picked up by the women and revealed in their facial muscles.

Salt has been branded as the scourge of our good health. The problem is not the salt you add to food. The problem is the salt that is already in food — and you may not even realize it. Think of it as hidden salt. In fact, most of the salt we consume we never see. It’s found in packaged, processed and restaurant foods. While sodium is an essential mineral that helps the body maintain fluid balance, too much salt raises your risk of high blood pressure and that, in turn, increases your risk for heart attack and stroke. Processed foods that contain high amounts of salt may also boost your risk for certain types of cancer. “Most Americans are consuming too much salt, and it’s coming from a lot of commonly consumed foods,” explains Zerleen Quader, an analyst with the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in Atlanta, GA and lead author of this study to determine which foods have the most salt. If you want to reduce your salt intake, you absolutely must know the hidden sources. The CDC found that 44 percent of our salt intake comes from these 10 foods.

  1. Bread made with yeast

  2. Pizza

  3. Sandwiches

  4. Cold cuts and cured meats

  5. Soup

  6. Burritos and tacos

  7. Salted snacks

  8. Fresh chicken

  9. Cheese

  10. Eggs and omelets

***So in other words, everything you like.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(Good News Network) For some high schoolers, prom is a night that they will never forget – especially for this 18-year-old student with special needs who had a superstar date for the dance.  NFL defensive back player Don Jones II made good on his promise to return to his home county in Alabama and take Lindsey Preston to prom.  Jones is acquainted with the Preston family because his mother taught Lindsey in elementary school. So despite having a busy schedule playing for the San Francisco 49’ers, the 27-year-old traveled back to Lawrence County and took Lindsey to a special needs prom on Friday.   “Anything I can do to make some kids smile, I would be more than willing to do,” Jones told local media. “I think the most fun was all of the guys, I showed the guys about five or six new dance moves…all of the guys followed me around all night and I was just glad I could dance and put smiles on the kid’s faces.”  And according to Preston’s mom, Jones was exceptional at making “all of the kids feel special”.  In addition to joining his second season with the 49’ers, Jones has played with the Miami Dolphins, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, Cleveland Browns, and Houston Texans.  (See pictures of the couple at https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/nfl-players-makes-good-on-his-promise-to-return-home-and-take-special-needs-girl-to-prom)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

There’s big drama going on in the obscure but passionate world of old-school arcade games. The organization that oversees records has stripped a top gamer of his high scores in Donkey Kong and Pac-Man! Twin Galaxies of Iowa concluded after a lengthy investigation that Billy Mitchell did not play on an original arcade machine as required but instead used a software “emulator.” The more damning implication is that Mitchell – previously credited with being the first to score a perfect game on Pac-Man and the first to crack 1 million points on Donkey Kong – faked his games. He adamantly denies it and promised in a video statement to prove his scores are valid. Still, Guinness World Records acted in accordance with Twin Galaxies and wiped Mitchell’s records from its books. The decision also means well-deserved vindication for Steve Wiebe, the lovable underdog score-chaser who saw his heroic attempts to make Donkey Kong history repeatedly (and suspiciously) thwarted by overtly villainous Mitchell in a documentary film. Indeed, Wiebe is now recognized as the first to hit 1 million on Donkey Kong. After an official challenge lodged by another gamer, Twin Galaxies studied the videotape of Mitchell’s 2010 record-breaking Donkey Kong game and concluded that it was not played on an original console, as he claimed. The group not only scrubbed all of Mitchell’s scores from its records, it forbade him from submitting new ones. (Polygon)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

To you taxpayers out there, let me say this: I hope you filed your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a ‘pain in the neck,’ the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


APRIL 20, 2018…

Rampage-–Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) is back on the screen with an early try for a spring blockbuster.  In this film, Johnson is a Primatologist (no, it is not another political party) and through his life, until now, he is friends with a silver-back gorilla named George. Enter something that alters the equation, yes, the experiment gone awry, and George begins growing larger and larger, and with a bit of a temper, too.  Not only that, but other creatures are becoming Godzilla-size and roaming the country. What to do?  Well, The Rock can’t wrestle everything to the ground, so there are other measures, but George is special. Also, in the cast are Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Will Yun Lee, Malin Akerman, Marley Shelton and Joe Manganiello. “Rampage” is rated PG 13 for action sequences. Rating of 2 for fans.

Super Troopers 2—This group of police, namely Highway Patrol, are now sent to the border between Canada and the U.S. There is somewhat of a dispute there and a Highway Patrol Station is needed.  Can anything go right?  The cast includes Rob Lowe, Lynda Carter, Brian Cox and Tyler Labine. “Super Troopers 2” is rated R. No rating.

APRIL 27 2018…

Avengers: Infinity and who hasn’t been waiting for this film? Your favorite  comic book characters are back in action to save the world.

Animal Crackers is an animated film about inheriting an old circus. Voices of John Krasinski and Danny DeVito.

I Feel Pretty stars Amy Schumer as a woman who suddenly thinks she is pretty.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.